Beans

Yes.

As someone who was/is suicidal. i struggled with the understanding of why I must suffer so much. And why my siblings and I must go through so much unspeakable pain. I still struggle with finding a will to live. Part of me says I’m a failure, but the other part of me wants to live. it is a constant battle between the two. One of self destruction. And you would think from someone who’s survived through so much trauma I wouldn’t crave instability. Though somewhere deep inside me. I suppose I do. Even though my conscious self tells me “that’s insane and stupid why would someone ever do that?” Theres the subconscious. “It hurts… this is what you deserve.” “you are nothing and you always have been nothing” ”you are better off dead” ”you serve no purpose” Craving violence and destruction. as a child I was never like this. I was probably the happiest, sweetest kid you could ever meet. I was the happiest with my grandfather. And not a day goes that I don’t think of him. Not even my biological father, but someone who raised me as if he was. he didn’t even say much, but you could tell in his own little ways that he cared. and he himself suffered in so much silence. becoming sick with stage four cancer. He refused treatment and still continued smoking his cigarettes. when he passed even the smell of the cigarette would trigger me breaking into a million pieces. the first time I smoked those cigarettes myself my body trembled and began shaking violently. when I began smoking I didn’t really care for my life either. The shaking felt as if my grandfather was shaking me. Felt as if he was upset with me. Trying to shake me free from this sick twisted product. Every blue moon I’ll have a cigarette but every time I do. I know he’s scolding me. I cannot help it tata (my grandpa) please forgive me. I still feel like a failure. I still feel trapped. i still feel confused. To answer your question i was born without the fear of the dark ive never been afraid of death and still till this day I’m not afraid dying to me feels like the easiest option. In this Ive romanticize that in death I’ll be reunited with my loved ones. whom actually love me. I’ve welcome death with open arms. And ask for her to be gentle with my soul. To give me directions on where I can find my real home again. (https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=L0zed4pqLFk&si=JMi0XObB8g5T33Rd)

I actually really enjoyed both of them. except the beginning intro to the second one felt like the vibe wasn’t consistent. As you get deeper into love affair it becomes steady flow and a fun groovy beat. it’s super cool to be the first ones to hear it. We (joy and I) can’t wait to hear more :)) i can def see this song in a club, concert, and even rave. :3 keep up the good work

I believe. In my own experiences. That whoever you may believe in. Regardless of it being a “God” or Religion. That our spirits are a collective thing that forms this “God” I personally do not believe into a “God” or Religion. I believe in spirituality. And collectivism. I listen to my body, heart and soul. And In that I walk into the directions it takes me. And I have found that as I continue to do so. I’m always where I should be at the “perfect” timing. Even if I am late. (which rarely happens, but everything happens for a reason) I have found. That tuning into who I was, and who I am, today. Are two completely different aspects of my soul. I am anger, and love. I am divine, and scary. And a lot of people don’t like that. Neither do they understand the shape shifting forms, that divine transformation can give you. In my lifetime I will be a chameleon, because my soul is infinite. I believe even in Death. Our spirits and souls connect to us. Just in different ways. for an example. When I experienced the loss of a loved one. They came to me in butterflies. What a beautiful offering. It is now my duty, to offer safety, comfort, and love to butterflies. Not because God told me so, but because of how powerful love. And spirituality is.

@Leo Gura I don’t appreciate this kind of. Unfruitful and Toxic Behavior. I assumed this form was about spirituality? And didn’t honor low iq standards.