Beans

I eeeb and flow

This is obviously a big part of me, but there’s millions of different sides of me how can I make them all live at once? how do I stay true in everytning while trying to become everything I want.

But I’m happy to be learning, expanding, and standing outside my restricted original model

Content creating is difficult

Yesterday got so bad that joy punched themselves in the face out of frustration (we’re in the parking lot at the movie theater in the car) I cried heavily I’ve never seen anyone ever do that to themselves in person, but my heart broke so badly seeing joy do that. I tried telling joy that I believe the relationship is getting too bad. That I was afraid this relationship might cause Joy to harm themselves even further. That for both our safety I thought it may be a better idea to end it. Joy didn’t want that Joy suggested we take a break I said we should've taken a break the week Maddison mentioned it I don’t know what will happen in therapy today, but it’s definitely going to be very difficult

we never did get to watch the movie another argument popped up just before we entered the movie theater.

I would like to clarify I wasn’t pretending you didn’t exist

Bro the fact you crumpled up my resume. like I’m so convinced you fucking HATE me

It is absolutely unfair. I am human. I was frustrated, I was struggling, and wanting to do it independently. I kept trying to tell you I didn’t need help. I apologized for hurting your feelings, but you keep telling me that I have no feelings to it. That you’re the only one who feels like an abuser, etc. Joy I’m not going to punish myself for making a mistake and being a human being. You were the one complaining about not being able to cancel our couples therapy and I told you if you really felt that way then tomorrow we can discuss with madision that the session will be our last one and we will part ways. Michelle taught me that giving grace to others and myself is so important because we’re human beings. and if you can’t give me grace for being an imperfect human being then we need to have an extremely important talk in therapy about our relationship

Absolutely insane perspective . I kept telling you I didn’t need your help I was already feeling frustrated with my phone and felt even more frustrated trying to figure out how Microsoft works i I struggle HUGELY with passwords and spelling because of dyslexia and you kept being persistent with helping me distracting me causing me to start over again when I lost my place multiple times you weren’t respecting me telling you I don’t need your help, I became more vocal, my tone was a lot more demanding and a lot more strict. I find it absolutely appalling how I give you grace every single time your behavior gets extreme regardless of it being verbally and escalating by hitting the counter, mirror, etc. and the moment I’m extremely set on my boundaries and not buckling im abusive??

????????

Congratulations friend ❤️🫂‼️ I’m also trans I’m nonbinary, but I do enjoy being both genders, but also not being defined as gender. im so happy for you and your journey. Wishing you the absolute best. Take care!

^^ thank you i love you. I can’t wait to start working one day and be able to buy you one too

I have zero fear in my heart I don’t care what happens to me. I’m speaking up for my family and friends who I want to be safe. And maybe I am afraid but that won’t stop me from speaking up and doing what’s RIGHT!

The fact Donald trump disobeyed Supreme Court when they ruled against him 9-0 is absolutely insane the fact that he lied while on camera saying they ruled in his favor is insane the fact he’s telling El Salvador president to build five more concentration, execution camps is absolutely insane the fact he’s opening talking about sending Americans over there he sent a American man who has no criminal record over their and admitted to this mistake himself he has no interest in sending actual criminals he’s going to send everyone who opposes him STAND UP AND SPEAK OUT AGAINST DICTATORSHIP THIS IS HISTORY HAPPENING BEFORE OUR EYES

Also after shopping a ladybug landed on joy! super cute! Ladybugs are widely recognized as symbols of good luck, good fortune, and positive change. They are also associated with love, happiness, and protection.

Losing someone very close to you. Is extremely hard regardless of if it’s a present relationship or previous ones. I heard a very close friend of mine who I’m no longer on speaking terms with got married yesterday. And it quite literally broke me, because I lost my best friend within that relationship. And seeing her in a wedding dress when as children we discussed that at our wedding we’d be each other’s maid of honor. It broke my heart. Regardless though I just want her to be happy. She was my best friend for 16 years. And I’ll always want the best for her.

Pardon the mess <.< Joy and I made up and so now I’m reorganizing, however I do find it extremely irritating having to do so. it’s not the first time I’ve done this, but trust it’s the last time. After joy and I spoke once we’re in a calmer state. I told Joy I was no longer excusing this kind of behavior. And that if it gets this extreme again I’m 100% ending the relationship and not looking back. I was 99% certain on ending it yesterday, but we spoke. Talked about it, I set my boundaries very clearly. And now we will be discussing this in couple’s therapy. For those who don’t know. I come from an extremely abusive household. So I don’t really have any boundaries/very weak boundaries. Throughout this relationship the only reason I’ve learned boundaries was because joys consistent persuasion to begin therapy. And ultimately because of that I’ve learned what I was okay with and what I wasn’t okay with. Before I use to be very flimsy in my boundaries and today I am not. You can have your judgements about me and my relationship all you want, but at the end of the day I’m a grown adult who can decide for themselves what they want in their life and what I don’t want in my personal life. I mean it when I say I love joy, and it’s true we do have quite a lot of difficulty in our relationship. Though I don’t think I’ve ever really grown this much with anyone. I obviously cherish this relationship I have with joy. And the thought of it ending did hurt, but at the same time it is difficult. Fighting constantly with ocd. That’s not a dig to joy, that’s not to say I think they’re evil. It’s just my truth. And sometimes when the expense of your own will being is to great, sometimes unfortunately you must part ways. And I was very much feeling that yesterday. im not really sure what will happen next though regardless of joy and I being in a romantic partnership or not they will always be a very special person in my life. Joy will always have a best friend in me.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DIPliAyMfxZ/?igsh=Y21yMXdtMjZ0ZXZp

Today was terrible and I am exhausted

It’s not funny I suffered a lot today and the first thing you do is laugh at me youre not sorry don’t apologize me if it’s just some bullshit words you’re gonna say

it really broke my heart hearing you calling me stupid. in those moments I see doc.

You still didn’t listen then you said you didn’t want the relationship and I finally agreed I was done. You began calling your mom to inform her and I began packing my shit

And I kept telling you. I don’t want to fight pickle pickle pickle and you kept egging me on you followed me to the bed room and kept fighting with me after the first time I warned you and told you in the kitchen that I’m not gonna put up with this behavior I’m at my breaking point pickle

And then you got mad at me for wanting to watch Bernie sanders and be at the queer event. I want my presence accounted for virtually history is happening and I want to watch it. I want to be apart of it i dont understand why people force me to choose just one That’s not what I want i want to be here with my queer family and with Bernie