Beans

I truly believe my tata’s death was the catalyst to this healing. ❤️‍🩹 before I was chained by my trauma and his death freed me. my nana’s experiencing a severe stroke is also another piece to this catalyst she has taught me death is unavoidable. She’s teaching/reminding me nothing really is mine. all we take in death is ourselves. And to some that can be very scary, but for me. In a certain aspect it brings me peace. one day even my suffering will end the only thing that gets me is so will all the beauty in this world I get to experience. how beautiful love feels. how beautiful restored faith feels how beautiful it is to begin the story of who we are and what we want to stand for. we are truly our ancestors wildest dreams. never in my generation has anyone been truly more free. And here I stand a reminder of what my past relatives endured in order to give me this opportunity to stand firmly today. where there is death there is rebirth and so even as I watch pope Francis body be taken to burial. I keep this in mind.

Today I was speaking to my dad about seriously giving Penny up to a better home. Since no one is taking care of her the way I’d like her to be taken care of. for those who don’t know I use to live in an very abusive household. My family is imperfectly perfect. We all have deep rooted trauma and before I use to feel so much anger and teenage angst that I was blind to see the forest, because I was to busy looking at the trees in front of me. Once you get through the fog, however that changes your perspective sometimes for the worse, and sometimes for the better. It truly matters where you lean, and how you do it. Before it is subconscious mind leading, but if you continue training yourself, you become conscious only then can your consciousness begin to lead you to where your true values are.

Penny my dog. Who I’ve had for eight beautiful years. she wasn’t my dog originally she was my eldest sister. She got Penny a year after my great grandfather passed. Which was 2017, my tata passed in 2016, may 2nd around 3am. I remember waking up that day, finding out about the news. And my dad telling us in the morning. I didn’t believe him, because he has a habit of not being serious and use to make jokes out of things all the time. It was the very first time I saw my dad in a serious way. my Tata’s death was the very first time I’ve experienced an ego death at 13. this is when I realized. One day we will all die. And I think this is why I feel so close to pope Francis. on his casket he wrote “WE WILL ALL DIE” and I respect that, because it’s so true. It’s so true. When I was at the peak of my depression I became extremely suicidal. and I had multiple attempts, but only was hospitalized at its worse. When I no longer cared if my family watched me kill myself in front of them. it took a very intense situation to wake me up. it took my grandmother crying after hearing what I’ve done. it was the fear in her voice that woke me up. Afraid that if I’m mentally ill and they take me to the hospital they’ll kill me/ or in her times lobotomize me. I can’t imagine how many women lost their lives to that. my heartaches thinking about how much she must’ve endured.

It has been way too long since l've done my workout. My last workout was 4/10/25 Life has been getting the best of me, but today I'm outside with Penny my dog. And also the support of my twin sister. I'm grateful.

I feel like now that I got everything off my chest that I wanted to say I can finally rest again

I plan on continuing to take care of myself to my best abilities. My goal is to 1. Get my car back running 2. Find a job 3. Stay sober until I can join jobcorp 4. Find a stable blue collar job I can depend on and live comfortably with 5. Continue intense trauma therapy. Continues therapy with Michelle 6. Keep running 7. Focus on my physical and mental health

I’ve decided to grow my hair out in this journey

It’s so bad, because I want someone to talk to. And I keep looking in different spaces to find someone to talk to. Is this just apart of the deep rooted subconscious trauma? it’s so difficult, but I’m doing my best to not serve it anymore. So I’m try giving myself more grace and time to dismantle this deep rooted subconscious trauma. I’m sorry if I’m spamming.

My journey is to take care of myself which I want to continue challenging myself with running. and when I begin working I want to continue trauma therapy. i want to fix my car i want to replace my tires i want to stay sober and join jobcorp which will train me for a better job environment and that way I’ll be able to more stabilize myself more securely I want to continue therapy with Michelle while I try finding another job. Until I can pay for trauma therapy myself.

What joy doesn’t know is that my tata’s death anniversary Is on May 2nd I found it ironic how things were spiral down of control during this time, because it felt so intense during this time. perhaps he was calling me back in a spiritual sense, because my twin sister had two dreams I came home. And I’ve never told my twin sister about my arguments with joy. but she had a dream once after an intense argument between joy and I and two months later again after an intense argument between joy and I it wasn’t until recently that I finally told joy about that. though at that point I was already feeling as if my cup was overflowing I truly believe things happen for a reason. I don’t know why. Or how, but I trust the universe.

I think you’re going to be okay joy. No matter what happens or where we go. We both will be okay, because we have the power of love, life and friendship. 444 am Please take care of yourself. sincerely beans yimpa

“Beans missed their family and wants to go back to them. And I want to focus on therapy and going deeper with psychedelics. Two very different avenues here” Beans missed their family I consider you apart of my family even if it’s not a formal or traditional sense. I feel like you’re apart of my chosen family. Like your mom and dad, however in deciding what we’re going to do. continuing our friendship or both separating completely into different roads. If you decide to completely separate please disregard what I’ve said. And if is making you uncomfortable I’ll rephrase. though I think at heart we both want what’s best for each other. I want what’s best for you. And if that ultimately comes at the cost of our relationship. I will accept that. Of course it’s going to break my heart. Not only did I lose my partner. I lost my best friend, but we must keep moving forward. I want to continue trauma therapy. And hopefully find a job, fix my car. Get into shape. And stay in shape. (Temptation is definitely here. With the snacks and everything, but Joy has taught me I can do it) in the most respectful way. I love you. And if me saying that makes you uncomfortable, because it’s too soon to say. Please let me know, because all I’m trying to say is I’m grateful for your presence. And you have a purpose being here joy. I don’t know what it is, but it’s true. You belong here.

It’s strange, because joy always felt that if I’m missing my family or dog. It means I don’t value my freedom, or freedom from abuse. Though I think it’s the entire opposite. Like yes I don’t want things to be the same, but it’s impossible to force people to change if they don’t see their abusive ways. Though joy taught me it was possible to rekindle with family. Especially when it comes to relationships with interpersonal family. Such as mom/dad. And maybe for my circumstances it’s more tricky. Yes, but regardless joy has taught me to see the imperfection in my family. Joy taught me about my quickness to anger and frustrations. Has taught me to accept things for what it is. I think joy has completely showed me an entirely different perspective than what I could’ve ever imagined or never would’ve thought of by myself. And for that I’m forever grateful. You’ve empowered me, but I’m so sorry for the way it turned out. obviously it was going in a direct we both didn’t want. And for that joy I’m truly sorry.

Please don’t forget to cook your potatoes I’m going to miss just dancing with you randomly in the morning and cooking for you

If you’re able to keep my art in a safe place I’d really appreciate it. I actually wanted to take it home, but in our argument joy no longer wanted me there. And so I began packing again. And that’s how I ended up here. if you no longer want it in the house, please put it in my car. (If you can. If not. Don’t worry about it)

I was afraid you might hurt yourself more extremely. Especially after you punched yourself in the face. I only began having those kind of thoughts after feeling totally hopeless about our relationship being able to survive. And now I see my error in my ways. Instead of communicating to you directly about how I felt. I was being passive. And I apologize for that. It probably made you feel unappreciated and uncomfortable. I’m glad being alone feels good. I’m glad to hear it feels like you’re already healing in certain aspects.

What is that??

It feels really strange to be broken up. And separated, but this journey to self healing is essential. Joys mental health took an all time low. And it was only escalating worse and worse. It broke both of our hearts. Both of us in denial about what must happen, and not wanting to let go. We obviously care of each other a whole lot. though joy is contemplating about if they want to continue our friendship. I asked if they can make their decisions once they had the ketamine and if they truly feel it is necessary to end it. Then I won’t stop it. though I want to keep our friendship, because joy has been a wonderful impact in my life. Joy taught me the importance of therapy, self advocacy, to stand up for myself, etc

This is all I wanted from you. I just wanted you to acknowledge how much pain I was in. And not to feel crippling guilt, but to acknowledge what’s happening. You saying sorry means a lot. Thanks joy. I’m also sorry for the ways I’ve felt cold, and neglectful. I don’t know either what else to say but I love you too

@Yimpa my nephew is playing Fortnite with my monke this is making me laugh so hard omfg 😭❤️‼️

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTjrLQsUo/ 😿❤️‼️ I cant help but love and care about you

Please get home safe

Thanks for trying to take care of me. i hope this isn’t the end of our friendship I really care about you and want to see you again

It feels really good to see Penny and my family. I hope your ketamine therapy goes good. I hope you’re okay.