nexusoflife

@zeroISinfinity Thanks. I have always wanted to take up some form of martial arts practice as it would absolutely be life changing and would help me to cultivate more balance and further help me to get to know myself and the dance of life; and maybe now is the time. I know essentially nothing about Reiki other than that it is a form of healing. I will look more into this and integrate the practices as needed over time with my daily life. Thanks again.

@dorg It’s all thoughts in the mind of God, it’s God’s dream, God’s imagination. Perhaps it’s the fact that I am still in ego and that is what has created this fundamentally illusory gap and subsequent frustration. I am really going to think on and meditate on your reply.

@daramantus You do not yet know what God is. Simply put. Your post here and the post that you kinked (I read all of it.) show that you still have your foundation for interfacing with reality fundamentally in a belief in concepts. Please do more work in exploring your (God) consciousness.

@remember It is all spiritual. It has nothing to do with the senses. Everything can be zoomed in on in every conceivable way for infinity. There is no limit to the ways in which God can magnify itself on a micro and macro level. I am familiar with chakras but practical integrated daily chakra work is entirely new to me and I am implementing it into my practice as of today.

@Consilience Thank you. I also meditate 1 hour per day but I have been doing the do nothing technique for years. I am going to incorporate these changes and see what happens. I have a very good feeling about this. I need to really truly open my heart chakra all the way up. I also had an LSD trip where I felt a similar vibe to yours in this area. I have to open my heart to loving all that is, so I can really see the beauty in all that is. Consciously being a loving human will now become a big part of my practice perhaps my main practice which I stack all other practices on top of. Thanks again for the advice and words of wisdom.

@zeroISinfinity I got a lot of value from that post. Love, acceptance, balance. Follow your path and play authentically. Even now I feel my mind trying to understand your post fully; but I will be honest I don't and I'm OK with that because as I continue in life I will and it will be great. Thanks.

@Consilience I feel grateful but not as grateful as I could be.I struggle with loving all that arises and I don't know why. I love all of myself as a human currently and it feels great! But as God I don't love all aspects of existence which I am, and it feels strange like a hole or a gap between nondual awareness and this human mind. I still have an issue with the infinite menagerie of forms and the suffering that many forms experience. You are right a much deeper dive into love and acceptance for existence is what I need to focus on. Are there any books, techniques or practices that you would recommend?

@remember Phenomena is all of the forms of God. It's God playing in it's imagination so it can learn about itself through limited forms.

@remember You are very perceptive.I have experienced states of complete contentment and happiness with whatever is arising. However for some reason I feel like I have a bone to pick with existence. Like I am insulted by the fact that God has to learn about itself. There is a frustration within myself that I feel arising whenever I think about why anything exists. I am indeed missing a piece of the puzzle. There is no core of myself as what constitutes me is a collection of thoughts and experiences collected over 22 years. I am infinite you could zoom in infinitely on a physical, mental or energetic level and never reach an end, that’s what God is. I am indeed very lost in the ocean of forms in existence, yes it’s beautiful but God can know itself without experiencing limited forms. There is another way. I don’t know what that way is, but there is another way because God is infinite and this everything is possible. Perhaps my approach to this exploration is a bit disconnected and for this it is creating a gap. Maybe once this gap is resolved the confusion and frustration will be resolved. I am actually traveling right now and am currently visiting Sweden. (I’m from the United States) I have been writing a book about how the noosphere affects the biosphere since 2017.

@zeroISinfinity Thank you. I needed to read that.

@Leo Gura I don't understand. Isn't there some phenomenological demarcation between Samsara here and Nirvana? Everywhere=Nowhere=all is one; but there are many subdivisions of God even if they are illusory. I'm not trying to get anywhere with the secession of experiencing existence, simply a permanent extinguishing of experience never to enter form again.

I have recently left my last job and have not had to go to a job for over a month now and it has been a very refreshing experience to not have to wake up at 4:30 every morning to go to work. I have used this time off for much self reflection and internal work on myself. However as the prospect of getting a new job looms on the horizon I have been having nightmares about returning to the workforce. Every cell in my body does not want to return to that hell. There is just something in me that snapped during this time away from a job and it will not allow me to torture myself like that ever again. I was wondering how many of you have nightmares about going to work and also how many of you have found a way out of this uncaring cycle? How do I overcome this victim mentality? I think I am going to let go and see where life takes me. I have a belief that if I do not get a job that I will become homeless and become so deeply depressed and defeated that I will just let myself starve to death on the streets. I have this need for stability in my life and having a job feels like the biggest risk I can take. It feels like I am walking on a tightrope that can snap at any time and thus I loose my income and quality of life. I am holding on to my quality of life and income as a means to achieve my goals in life. This feels very myopic to me and I wonder what will happen if I let go of the mental construct that I hold. Will I die? I am afraid of dying is what this all boils down to. I'm not going to live my life from a place of fear anymore, I have spent too long doing that and it has caused too much damage to myself.

I will provide a bit of background. I have been meditating around an hour per day since March 2014 at the age of 17. Since then I have changed much as a person. I went vegan in 2014 and have been raw vegan since 2015. I have done psychedelics including cannabis, LSD and mushrooms for purposes of nondual entheogenic exploration. As a result of my consistent meditations and mindfulness I have had a number of peak nondual experiences. I had a kundalini awakening event in June of 2017 a few days after consuming psilocybin for the first time in which during a meditation I felt a jolt of energy surge up my spine and explode in my head. Additionally I have read more books in the past 4 years than I have in the last 10. My mind has wondered and contemplated the infinite complexities of existence daily for years now. I also went through a deep dark depression with suicidal thoughts from 2016 to 2017. I have consciously been on the path of nonduality for 4 years now and I know that everything in existence is fundamentally ONE and that everything is GOD. I am well aware of the infinite fractal nature of reality and I see infinite universes in everything, not hallucinations but a deep knowing and feeling of energy from past profound experiences. Systems thinking is now my normal mode of thinking after absorbing as much information as I have. The feeling of my mind melting all started back in mid-April of 2018; Age 21. I began to notice small changes in my cognition. My memory had begun to slow and become slightly hazy. I began to behave less efficiently and complete tasks less effectively. I have spent much time writing over the past year and a half and I have always been a good writer. However since this phenomena arose in my experience I have struggled to be able to string together sentences and thoughts in writing. Thus conveying ideas through writing is growing increasingly difficult. Even writing this is proving to be quite difficult whereas a year ago a post of this length would have been no problem at all. As the months went on this feeling became more and more apparent I my life. The seeming collapse of everything that constitutes my worldview has resulted in massive amounts of confusion which are making the completion of basic daily performance decline. On my worst days there are times where I cannot even get out of bed because the feeling of absolute confusion is so immense. Focus has gone down the drain. I am frequently forgetting to eat meals due to the absolute insanity of my mind feeling like it’s melting down, and there have been countless days I the past few months where I am eating on average 800 calories per day whereas normally I would be consuming 2,100 calories per day. As a result my energy levels have tanked. I have grown very sensitive to sound to the point where loud noises can be physically painful to my ears. All sounds are louder and sharper. I have always been introverted but now I am so easily overwhelmed by modern life. Making a living feels like a burden. I feel like all of my concepts of life, reality, who I am and what life is are all melting down and basic function is becoming increasingly difficult. There is always a feeling of pressure in my mind. I am not experiencing physical pain in the brain, but a pressure of the mind. Let me give an example, typically after wake up or finishing meditation my mind feels cool and free flowing for lack of better terms. When I am having a busy day working etc my mind is being stimulated and feels warm and active for lack of better terms. Now with this meltdown/ reconfiguration happening my mind always feels hot. For the past 3 months or so my mind has felt like an overheated computer CPU. For most of my life I have functioned with one particular mental configuration. Now it feels as if that well established configuration is melting down into an unrecognizable liquid to be rebuilt into a new reconfiguration. Using an analogy; similar to the life cycle of a butterfly I have spent the entirety of my 21 years of life in mental configuration 1 analogous to the caterpillar stage of the lifecycle. I feel like this year I entered the chrysalis stage of development in which all of my concepts beliefs established patterns etc are all melting down and being “liquefied” to be reconfigured and transfigured into something new, configuration 2; analogous to the liquefication of a caterpillar in a chrysalis getting ready to enter the next stage of its life being the butterfly. Hopefully I enter into the next phase of this process sooner rather than later. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. School and work have become massive sources of sometimes crippling anxiety. I do not want to completely meltdown and loose the majority of the external structure of my life (being job loss, school loss and loss of stability) but as my mind continues to melt performance is declining in all areas of my life. I think that I am going to collapse soon. I recently had a bad panic attack regarding all of the stress this is inducing. I see broken people everywhere I go and it is hard because I can feel the pain of people I am around and yet my mind is at a point where even forming simple sentences is proving increasingly difficult. Some days I wish I never unplugged myself from the matrix of reality and society. Some days I just want to be plugged back into the matrix. Recently even my dreams are not forming correctly. The appearance of the dreamscape is now grainy and torn in many places in most of my dreams now. I feel like my 400ug LSD trip in November of 2017 changed my epigenetics. I felt like a different person afterwards. It was the most powerful experience I have ever had. I have used various meditation methods over the years and thus I have tried them to see if they could help with this and all have been unable to help mitigate this. For the first time in 4 years meditation has become relatively ineffective for me. I know the ego is trying to control everything and I should probably sit with this experience and let it pass similar to a thought in meditation but that’s really hard to do when my mind and life are slowly falling apart in front t of me. In the past couple of months I have been experiencing muscle twitches and spasms particularly in the areas of the face, neck, back and hands. The only other times I have ever experienced ongoing random muscle spasms like these were right before my initial awakening in 2014 and after I did mushrooms the first time in 2017. In the past I have limited myself to doing psychedelics 3 or 4 times a year. So I am not a frequent user. And I have always used them in a meditative setting. I have taken nootropics in the past for mental boosts as well. But since around June of this year I have been very wary of taking any substances that are mind altering (psychedelics, nootropics, medications, etc.) due to my current mental state, however if anyone thinks that there are nootropics that would benefit me I would like to know. I have always had a low sex drive but since my mind has started going through these changes my sex drive has shot up. I used to sexually relieve myself once a week or less on average and sexual thoughts have never been prevalent in my mind to the point of them being almost not a factor. However now I am sexually relieving myself 3 times or more per week and my mind has sexual thoughts every single day. Not sure if this is relevant but my music tastes are changing too. I have been listening to primarily ambient music since 2012, however in the past 5 months or so, strangely I have been listening to increasing amounts of rap, metal and dubstep. So all in all I need some help figuring out what is going on with my mind. Is this a kundalini awakening gone wrong? Is my energy messed up? Am I nutrient deficient? Changed neuroplasticity? I do not know what is happening to me or why this is happening but I think I simply went too fast in these past 4 years with all of the meditation, books, psychedelics, lucid dreaming, raw veganism, calisthenics and my mind couldn’t keep up with the mental activity and changes that have been happening. Please, to anyone who read through all of this any advice or help you’d like to share would be greatly appreciated. And thank you for taking the time to read through this post. Positive energy and high vibrations to you all.

@RossE This was an amazing report of your experience. So mush wisdom is here. Thank you for sharing this!

@Joseph Maynor Thank you for posting this! This is why i'm a raw vegan, for this reason and many others.

@gleb Thanks for taking the time to read through it. I really do appreciate it!

This is my recount of my first experience with LSD. I would like to begin by saying that I felt a level of stress in my life before I took this substance. I felt that all of society was constantly conspiring against my growth and development as a human being heading towards self-actualization. I awoke before 7 a.m. in the morning and I retrieved my LSD. For this trip I would not have a trip sitter available so I was on my own, however I have done high dose psychedelics from a nondual perspective in the past and thus I felt confident in my set and setting. I had four LSD tabs. I tested the tabs the day before using the Erlich testing reagent and they all registered as authentic Lysergic acid diethylamide. I cleared my room of anything that could potentially be damaged or that I might accidentally hurt myself with. I listened to Gregorian chants for about five minutes and began to meditate. I turned off all technology around me. After this I looked at the tabs of LSD and said, “I will go wherever you take me with grace”. I then placed the four tabs underneath my tongue and meditated at the edge of my bed. After what felt like 20 to 30 minutes the tabs dissolved and I swallowed them. Shortly after this I felt the first effects begin to take place. It felt as if all of the nerves just beneath my skin were warmed up by the substance. My mind while in a calm and meditative state became hyperaware of my surroundings. The mind asked questions such as will I be safe without a trip sitter? I slowly began to pass out as the LSD entered my serotonergic system. The LSD assured me that I would be safe. Then I saw a fractal energetic alien looking figure that said, “Ok, let’s get this started.” Next the ego structure melted. My body began to move in the bilateral yoga positions that Martin Ball talks about. My body contorted into positions which normally I couldn’t do. I had experienced this strange phenomenon before with psilocybin mushrooms. On the level of sensory perception I experienced something extremely strange. It was as if my senses began to meld into each other. No longer could I distinctly hear, see, smell, taste, or feel anything independently of each other. I smelled sensations, and heard colors, as insane as that sounds. My entire body was almost vibrating from the amount of nervous system stimulation that it was receiving. Notably, for what seemed like quite a while, my hands began to move in very odd ways and preformed a very strange type of sign language which was completely out of my control. It was as if the LSD had possessed my body and was trying to see how it could guide me similar to my psilocybin trip. Throughout most of the trip the mind was constantly making comparisons and drawing parallels my prior mushroom trip. However unlike psilocybin the lysergic acid diethylamide was much more lenient as a substance as the curious ego structure was not ever abruptly silenced. The nature of this substance in my opinion was a bit more lucid and exploratory than other psychedelics that I had experienced. After this my body passed out for a second time. My ego structure was further dissolved and my consciousness/awareness was sent to a place far outside of space and time. It was at this point that I was shown the infinity of existence. I am completely lacking in the vocabulary necessary to convey exactly what I experienced but I will do my best. My consciousness/awareness came to a place where it was shown the World of Form from an objective viewpoint. All of creation was seen as an Absolute Infinity in every way. I saw the infinite ever changing fractal nature of existence. My awareness was transported to other places across the world of form as well. I was shown what I can only describe as organic computers. These spiritual machines several millions of orders of magnitude more powerful than even the most advanced human quantum computers today. I also saw what I would call energetic crystal architecture. I distinctly remember a palace of sorts it looked like a cathedral and Hindu temple made of pure crystalline light. It was beyond beautiful. It was in complete harmony with the ecology of its setting. Fractals were everywhere and in everything. During this experience the ego wished to revisit the Akashic Records that it had seen before from the psilocybin; however the LSD conveyed that it’s all an Absolute Infinity, even the Akashic Records containing all of the knowledge in the multiverse are only an infinitesimally small part of the Absolute Infinity of existence. At this point the experience became chaotic as I lived the lives of countless organisms. The stories of entire lives were experienced in immeasurably short lengths of time. The mind was racing at the sheer amount of stimulation from the experience. Then the most amazing part of the experience occurred. I will do my best to describe this using the limits of language I was shown existence from outside of existence. I saw the totality of the infinity of existence as incomprehensibly beautiful and profoundly complex infinite fractals. Each fractal was an infinite layer of novelty. I began to hear this extremely strange yet beautiful “cosmic music”, the music of infinity. This music still played until I went to sleep that night. I learned that reality is infinite to such a degree that it cannot be anything else. My awareness returned to my body but was different. At this point I was still tripping extremely heavily. My entire field of vision was almost completely immersed in intricate morphing fractals of beauty. The state of awareness of my mind was very different. I began to gesture to smoke an imaginary blunt. Each time I took a hit from this nonexistent blunt my awareness became more and more aligned, aware and existential. Next, what happened was extremely beautiful. After about three hits from the imaginary blunt I began to speak in a voice that was not my own. It was as if the consciousness of the totality of existence began to speak through me. I had a dialogue with God. My mind would think thoughts and the body would reply verbally, channeling the message of this unity consciousness. I began to speak words that were not my own. It was as if the voice of God (being the infinity of existence) entered my entire being. God told me the following things using my body as a vector to relay. “Reality is an absolute infinity.” “The way your species is living on this planet doesn’t make any sense. You’re causing so much suffering. This earth is all we’ve got. We don’t have any way of moving out and even if we did wed just severely damage another planet.” “All of reality is infinite and everything is simply various forms which I use to experience existence and express myself and that’s really it, now you can do whatever you want with that.” “ It’s all an absolute infinity!” “Everything in all of the totality of existence is an absolute infinity in every way. “I really don’t know how I can make it any more apparent to you.” “It’s infinite to such a degree that its infinity to the infinite root of infinity.” “As long as you know that it’s all one you’ll be ok.” “Everything is going to be alright.” “You really don’t have anything to worry about young man. You’re on the right track. Stop rushing. That’s fear.” “ Fear is illusory.” “Don’t hold yourself back. I don’t hang out with people that hold themselves back, man!” “Really after all we’ve been through, after all the species has been through, you’re really gonna hold yourself back?” At this point I started crying, the mind realized the huge amount of suffering that it has caused itself over the course of its 20 years of life. “Enough with the excuses, no more excuses, stop holding yourself back.” “You’re writing a book. That’s good.” “ All life wants to express itself in every way possible. All lifeforms are expressions and express themselves as fully as they possibly can.” “If you’re going to do something, do it at your all because it’s an expression of life. Put all of your love, effort and energy into it. Anything less is not worthy of you or authentic of what you are capable of.” “Sometimes you’re not gonna have enough money but you’ll always make it through. You’re not gonna kill yourself that’s a no go.” “If we mess up here on earth we are going to mess up there too.” “You’re free to do what you want.” I conveyed to God my fears and insecurities regarding being social and vulnerable with other people. I also explained how even though my views of sexuality are by no means conservative that I still have subconscious thoughts which label various parts of the human sexual experience as negative or ugly. For this I felt ashamed of it. God replied “How’s that bad?! The intricacies of sexuality are just another part of the infinity of existence.” “You need to lighten up!” God also addressed my anxieties regarding sex both as it relates to me on an individual and how it relates to the collective. “You need to have sex. Sex opens you up. It opens your heart.” After this was said, all of the small amount of negativity that I associated with being a virgin left me. “Choose the way that equates to the most openness, love, life and full expression.” Love equates to openness. At this point my awareness was abruptly transported outside of physical existence again and I saw what I can only describe as an Infinite energetic fractal torus of everything. It was as if God said, “look at that! That’s the perfection of everything flowing freely. This is what you are. You are an energetic free flowing being. You are infinity. You are a microcosm of the macrocosm. Whenever you dwell in fear or doubt you block this ever present flow of energy within yourself. You deny me. But most of all you deny yourself.” I was also told things about the power of the placebo effect. However I do not remember exactly what was said. “What will it take for you to live the life that you know you can live?!” “You’re divine yet you live in shit hmm how’d that happen? (Referring to the human species) “Because you doubted me. Because you live in fear. Because you believe in the illusion of separation. The illusion of duality.” "There is only the infinite trans-temporal eternal pregnant present moment, of infinite possibility. What your species calls time, time does not exist.” After this the dialogue ended. I went into a different trance like state where a menagerie of glossolalia came from me. I spoke in words which sounded very similar to Tibetan throat singing. It felt amazing. I passed out again shortly after this. My awareness was shown the intricacies of energy and food systems, being that they are systems of transactions and that life is about balance in every way. This also relates to life and death. After some time my awareness returned to my body and the ego structure somewhat reformed. The strange sensations all over my body were so pervasive that I thought I had soiled myself however I did not. My body was covered in sweat. The come down portion of the experience began. It had been roughly seven hours since I had ingested the lysergic acid diethylamide. I looked towards my bookshelf and was intensely drawn to The power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. As I looked through the pages of the book fractals still immersed my vision however I could still derive information from its pages. I felt so grateful as a looked at the book. It then came to me that life is all about sex, ecology and spirituality. I put down The Power of Now and looked at my bookshelf again this time at the book Sex, Ecology, Spirituality by Ken Wilber. I went to get the book however I knew that If I picked it up it would have been too much of an emotional overload for me and I would have had a release or break of some sort. I spent a few minutes after this and explored the various books on my shelf. Afterwards I sat for a bit and simply looked at the many fractals in my visual field. A voice came to me saying that, “Everything is divine.” “Existence is here for you. Now go experience it!” I then turned on my phone and listened to the sounds of the Didgeridoo instrument and listened to ambient music. This added a level of intensity to the experience. When I looked at the sheets on my bed I was what I can only describe as tribal art, in action. The hallucinations looked like the cave paintings in France had become fully animated on the sheets of my bed. I was very introspective; my mind was racing with thoughts however I paid them no attention. My hands were still moving in this strange sign language fashion. As time passed I walked around my home and I thought to myself, “this is the quintessential psychedelic experience, most of those pieces of psychedelic art that I’ve seen were inspired by this very experience.” I now understood why LSD played such a large part during the 1960s. I began to look out of the window to my backyard. I watched the trees; grass and sky all begin to morph into several fractals. As I looked outside I saw a squirrel scurrying around in my backyard. As I looked at this squirrel it too began to morph into fractals. At this point I realized that I was not looking at a squirrel but at a reflection of myself and the infinity of existence. I felt a love that I cannot describe, for humans do not have the language for it. The feeling of Absolute Oneness and Absolute Infinity was so much that my mind could not take it anymore. I completely broke down and began to cry extremely emotionally. Tears flowed like waterfalls down my face and I couldn’t believe that this was real. That I was real, that life was a thing, that both you and I are absolutely ONE. After this the mind began to calm. My brother returned home a bit after this and asked me if I was OK. When I explained what I had just experienced he knew that I needed some time to process the experience. As the LSD experience continued to come down I spoke to a few friends that came over. While they are recreational users they were supportive of what I experienced even though they did not understand. Fractals were still present roughly nine hours after I took the substance however it felt good to be able to converse about the experience. I went to the bathroom after this, and looking at myself I realized that my body and that the bodies of all living things are organic architecture. The effects continued to dissipate. I had a mild headache however it was nothing intense. The rest of the day was spent in a state of happiness. I spoke to myself and danced around my room like a crazy person. The effects of the LSD finally wore off after over twelve hours in total. Even after the LSD effects dissipated, my physical body felt different and still feels different. My mind feels different as well. I am already in good physical shape however, I feel much lighter and more agile than I ever have. These are the main things that LSD taught me. Everything is Absolutely Infinite. I need to lighten up as a person and stop being so serious about self-actualization and enlightenment. In closing I would like to say that this experience helped me to work through some very personal stuff and I am grateful to have had this experience. I am a forever changed person. This video gives a good representation of what my glossolalia was like. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwANedEkqaY While I can't convey what I experienced when I say absolute infinity this may help. Play and mute this video of fractals while listening to the song below. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7-iyyR-iSg In another tab play this song and skip to about 2:15, listen to it at 0.75 speed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z685qqdv3zk This is the best recreation that I can provide of the most intense and strange part of the experience.

@Nexeternity Thank you for reading through my long posts and being supportive of my journey.

@deadforever Time doesn't exist.

@Richard Alpert That's a good question. If you have ever read the book 'Conversations with God' by Neale Walsch? If so, that is what I felt happened. My own intelligence even if it was subconscious could not create the responses which came forth during this experience. All in all it was very strange. Perhaps it was a combination of both.

@Space Exactly! I have read the first book in the series and after the experience I thought to myself the very same thing. That presence is always with us. However it usually takes a deep meditative or psychedelic experience to open the gateway for a direct contact with the unity of existence.

@sweater There is no you to be enlightened. When it occurs you'll know, there wont be any doubt. I'm sorry that you had a negative experience with cannabis. Being that cannabis is a mild psychedelic it definitely has the potential to mess with your mind. If it helps at all i always do psychedelics from a nondual perspective and combine it with meditation. I have a trip report from my experience with cannabis, I hope that it may be able to help you.

@sweater Can you please elaborate on this? I'd like to know which part of my trip report caused you to come to this conclusion.

@Nahm Thanks for reading it. It will be a while before i'm finished with the book. Currently around 300 pages into writing it so far, still much more to go. I feel like it's an integral part of my life purpose to spread information to people.

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo. I would not have come this far in my journey of consciousness growth without your videos.