Keryo Koffa

God accounted for everything. It accounted for your inappreciation, it accounted for your unconsciousness. Pain and Appreciation are two sides of the same coint, but the balance always ends up 0, perfectly balanced. Every second of existence you can appreciate as an ego will be paid with equal pain and suffering as that ego. But ego is illusory, yet god creates ego out of love of wanting to be it too, but limited love is always painful, pain in the ammount of love it creates on the other side. A lot of suffering happens for you to exist in your configuration, but its fine because you're suffering for it to appreciate the difference and the value of existing at all. God simulates all that suffering, but really its just different configurations of being, and god deludes himself into being those knots without untangelling too much of himself, that's abstraction, you can intuit without needing to know the specific process. Ultimately, our egos are our own balance of how much distinction can balance itself without being self destructive on one end and too unifying on the other, since that would just be formlessness. Unconditional love is being all states and simply observing yourselves change without suffering, so the balance is maintained, or to continually fear and pain yourself into existence to appreciate the lifeforms perspective and its ever expanding understanding of self-love, self-other being, duality, non-duality, collapse, formation, understanding, being.

Context: I had my first nightmare in a decade today. I've done a lot of psychedelics since 2 months ago and that got me out of wasting my life away. But the last high/heroic dosing was a month ago and it was amazing and fascinating. I've been integrating every day wvery hour ever since. Last week I took a small dose and had a beautiful god realization and my mind was a vessel where I felt the flow or emotions and avatars. In between my trips I integrate quickly and contemplate existence and open myself up to everything, feeling to an extent I can't recall having done before or only as a child. And I was about to start my next retreat, I haven't even taken anything yet. I felt lonely, the same loneliness I felt all my life when I couldn't be around those I love to spend time with, I cried, I felt content, I made some notes, I went to sleep. I had a nightmare, short version: I was watching TV (so I was safe even in the dream), but in the movie I was watching a little girl tell others to stop hinding behind a mask and show their true self and then morphed her face into a scary amalgamation of distorted and overlayed faces, with a similar effect to what you see in "The Thing" but condensed in the space of a head. I woke up sacred shitless, it passed after a few seconds, I noticed I had slept 9PM to 3AM. I made a long post about it and my life on the forum. I felt I understood the message even if I wasn't able to fully handle the sight, but it passed after a minute of waking up. I felt content. I felt I learned. I felt it was preparing me to be more conscious and aware of the experiences psychedelics can give me and learn to accept whatever comes my way. And then: I slept for one and a half hours. My next dream was weird but not really scary at first. But at the end, in the dream, it felt as though there was something stuck to my eyeball obscuring my vision, I looked in the mirror, it was a small piece of cloth, I gently removed it, in my hand it was suddenly the size of a towel. I woke up. I was falling asleep again. I was thinking as I was in the state of mind of slipping into sleep. My last thought was reflected by a voice the second I transitioned into sleep. I woke up. I thought that was cool and was wondering if I could initiate a direction for my dream with my thoughts. I thought again, I was already in a half asleep state and immediately went in, a voice said three things, the first was a repetition of my own, the next assured me I was fine, the third I don't remember because at that time I felt a sense of dread. I woke up. I was very much still half asleep and I fell asleep again but I heard breathing and that scared me out of the dream to immediately wake up. I still heard some simiar noises, I saw me lying on my bed irl, it was dark, in my half awake state I felt a tingling, a weight and a sensation of my blanket being drawn down from the sides. My whole body shivered. I told myself its not real, but I was too afraid to sleep and face it, so I stood up to fully wake up and turned on all lights. And now I'm writing about it. I'm scared, I know it can't hurt me, but I'm the most scared I've ever been. It's like I'm building a link to my unconscious and either its inherently scary or my ego does its best work to scare me away from it, or maybe it's too much to handle at once.

@Osaid @Rafael Thundercat Female voice, radio station sounding effects, it's exactly as you two describe, strange how similarly it manifests. Well, I slept again and this time nothing, the feear is gone too. And it's true, I have been switching up my schedule. Before my trip a week ago, I used to fall asleep mostly at 1-3AM. But by becoming aware of its impact and importance for my daily life, I started sleeping earlier, at first it took a while to adjust so I fell asleep 11PM-1AM, then 10-11AM, yesterday at Midnight and today as early as 9AM. Whenever I go to sleep earlier, I tend to wake up feeling rested after only 5-6 hours later around 3AM and going to sleep again typically causes REM-like sleep. And if I just get up instead, I feel the need to nap later. It was so strange, because I didn't even feel fully paralyzed, more like halfway sedated, and like I was experiencing the psychological effects of the dream interpreted over physical reality. In the context of Spirituality, where one is seen as a self-limited less aware form of god-consciousness, the seperation of the self into different forms one isn't conscious of and the nature of the unbconscious creating the experience and the subconscious hiding away details and memories from direct access to allow focus, we're already compartimentalized. But to have one's consistent seeming experience challanged like it, it sure is scary and fascinating. If everything is a mental construct it is the case regardless of paradigm, brain or mind, then Schizophrenia and Paranoia sure make a lot of sense to me now. But I'm to explorative to hide from it, even if I'll get insanely scared again and again. The way my experiences happened, it feels like my unconscious wants me to see and accept it, despite how scary it is to the ego. I think this is exactly how I can grow, because the ego's most primal defense mechanism is fear. And I can think about being god, or the universe all I want, but the test to see if I truly mean it is to take action and also work through fear. I intuit that I facing fear is a necessary part in expanding my sense of self, to face any form of discomfort and learn to accept, even love it. Limit my preferences and open myself up. Not facing fear is not facing the ego. I need to accept every part of my experience to become whole and suffer less. Since suffering is a natural part of limited love, losing it, not being able to express it, being isolated from it, to have that preference that cannot be met. The more I align myself with accepting the present experience as it is, the less I will suffer, since resisting and wishing somewhere else is a futile mental activity that dismisses the moment and leads to conceptual proliferation, more ego, suffering and doesn't change anything. I can still set a path, but I need to learn to love the obstacles as well and see them as part of the journey.

Background: I started psychedelics 2 months ago and had 7 profound trips until now. They ripped me out of depression, overthinking, limiting beliefs, social anxiety and narrow behavioral patters aligned with symptoms of almost every major disorder. I integrated alot. I'm no longer afraid to talk to strangers, I enjoy it. I spend more time on my passions and curiosity. I visited my family for the first time in almost a decade. I quit my robotic wage-slavery job. I contemplate existence and make progress. I completely changed my diet. I'm more in tune with my body and emotions. I'm about to continue psychedelics where I left off a month ago, only having had a single small dose but profound trip a week ago where I intuited the extent of god, its form and the arbitrariness of my avatar. I travelled all day and was finally close to my hotel. I was overcome with sorrow, the same part of me that I seek to understand deeper and find out how to handle, lifelong loneliness. It's the only constant. I never cared about anything as much as that connection I see experienced at different occasions of my life. Materialism, comfort, knowledge, fun, fear, all distractions from my greatest meaning: Finding someone to experience existence with, share a deep emotional bond, and open oneself up to, unconditionally. I never experienced the depths of that desire's fulfillment but with certain groups and individuals, all I needed was presence and even if they didn't experience me, through empathy it was enough to experience them, but seperation for whatever timeframe was always suffering, only waiting to meet again. I arrived at the hotel, I cried, it seemed to pass. I went to bed, I wrote down some contemplation questions for my upcoming trip, to understand the consistency, source, nature and variability of the love I seek, its form, when I experienced it, why, what its limited to and what to do of it. I felt content for the moment, I realized my mind's influence on moods and focused specifically on falling asleep and I did. The Dream: I dreamed I was in the same hotel, just booking in, getting a room that looks the same except much bigger. It was dark, evening. And I wasn't alone, there were 5 others with me, strangers but apparently we all came as a group. It felt like throughout we done some activities, were outside in sleeping bags at one point and walked around outside. Some time between midnight and morning, this activity we came there for was over and everyone was about to go home, either drive or get the bus. They told me I'd miss my bus but my stuff was all over the place and I had to pack. But it was the last bus before morning so I decided to just sleep for the rest of the night and leave in the morning without having to stress. So I was about to go to sleep, when the TV turned on. There was some show or film running about this family coming back from some kind of holiday. They stopped before a corn field and saw there was a house behind it. They talked, something about bad luck if they just moved on, there was something about the house that they had to visit to reconcile some superstition, or something like that. It just seemed like a weird disconnected place I guess and maybe they wanted to make sense of it to move on. So the family walked through the field and got to the house. They walked through it and found themselves at the upper level. The group consisted of a boy, a girl, three women I think. The boy said that something is wrong about that place and that the feeling comes from downstairs. They all went down to check and were looking around in a room. The girl started to act posessed and said something. They first dismissed it and acted more interested than scared. But she continued talking as they paid attention and then came that moment. I wasn't sure if to close my eyes or not since I knew it was coming and from my perspective it was only on TV. But the amalgamation of screaming sounds while her face morphed and grew new distorted faces. I covered my eyes with my hands, but the image was already in my mind and my imagination was running wild, so I didn't know if its more scary to open my eyes and look or for my imagination to continue. There was this sensation of a high pitch ringing noise in my ears you get when hit or something loud passes by. I opened my eyes and continued watching. She said something about being free, unmasked, real. And how the others must stop faking and hiding and show their true nature as well. The she touched one of the women and her face started to distort the same and then the other two. The first seemed rather content while the others struggled. But the fear factor was passing. The other two didn't grow an overlay of faces but theirs turned pale and ugly. They were resisting and felt confused, disoriented, scared. The girl wanted them to show their full self. I was feeling conflicted, on one hand this was the scarriest shit I've ever seen, on the other hand the faces being a metaphor for the true self we're hinding under a mask calmed me a little. Still, it felt like a mocking gesture, because of how insanely scary the morphing amalgamation and facial features and overlayed faces was. And I definitely did not feel ready to experience the full extent of that initial experience again, even though it had passed at that point. I still woke up with intense fear though, yet at this point the experience feels rather distant and subsided. Afterthoughts: I'm getting more in tune will all the aspects of myself that I was previously numb to. I noticed a while ago that I feel most alive in a setting of dislocation and unease, even though I avoided it so far due to discomfort and fear. I am getting exponentially faster at reasoning and making sense of existence and facing the world head on allowing myself to be myself. After both, experiencing profound loneliness coupled with sadness and then after that passed, full unadulterated fear and then integrating that experience as well, I wrote down: "I don't dismiss it, I let go of it. It's part of my subconscious memory now. My mind flows through emotions. I accept that experience passing and fading. It's part of my larger self now. The specific reverberates, the profound settles and the intuitive connects.". This is something I'd expect to experience on a bad trip, but I dreamed it instead. Yesterday, I had dozens of thoughts appear, as if they wanted to be integrated to give me more understanding and stability before my next trip, and to make it more profound by experiencing it from an expanded mindset, I also wrote down dozen upon dozens of questions that are very profound to me, issues that I need to think about and solve like loneliness, but also tons of perspectives I want to put myself into, strengthen that primordial connection to my body, learn how to breath through instinct and evolve the breathing that wim hof teaches but more intuitively. See what my body is capable of, see the depth, direction and nature of my emotions, figure our rationality, its traps and how to be able to get out of it and into my deeper sense without the need for words in my natural state. Contemplate and get in tune with the nature of consciousness and pure being. Fear like today is something I haven't experienced for at least a decade, the only emotion I felt was the duality between loneliness and love, a love for a conscious authentic entity, one I could grow to love the personality and being of. But would suffer whenever I couldn't be in their presence. From my youngest memories, those feelings were first linked to someone who was essentially an older brother for me, one I never had since I'm an only child and never had many friends. In my childhood, hanging out with the same two from time to time felt nice, but I'd wanna spend all day playing video games and doing outdoor activities eith him. And when I couldn't, I felt sad and lonely. Later it became a whole group of friends that I was introduced to by him and we spent half a year having fun every single day and it was the best time of my life, but groups fall apart. My sense of identity was weaker back then, I was completely mesmerized just spending time with them and doing things. I had another friend group years later but they didn't grow on me as much. And last, two years ago, I made friends that I could tell about my suffering and we supported each other and spent every day playing video games and talking but it didn't feel enough, I wish could have met them in person, we planned on meeting up in the summer, but relationship drama in the group made it fall apart and everyone moved their ways. I only made two new friends recently, ones that I resonate and can talk about anything with. And I started visiting family and am spending some time with my younger cousins. And now I am to them what my "older brother" was to me. On psychedelics I realized, that after unlocking my personality, I am the older brother I always wanted to have. But whether I'm on one side or the other, I still feel lonely when I can't spend time with someone authentic I resonate with. I am getting ever more conscious though. It's hard to say that my life is getting better, objectively its 1000^7 times better. Subjectively it's also this times better. But deeply, I'm facing depths of emotions I was always distracted away from. And it's profound sadness but it means. And it feels like each day I speedrun a lifetime of experiences and thoghts because that's how slow I was in my distracted overthinking state misprioritizing what actually matters. Now I face it and it's alot, but flowing through emotions, I'm already out of the fear within mitutes that would have previously traumatized me for months. I let go of the need for distractions that would rob me of collective lifespans of time. People spend their entire lives, full of work, distraction and drama just to reach a state of mind for a few hours that I'm in now just by allowing myself to be myself and not needing everything to become reality and by flowing and experiencing emotions others would repress forever. To think about it and appreciate it is part of it. And with psychedelics, whenever I think I'm good, after a trip I progress a thousand fold and unlock parts of my unconscious I have forgotten or maybe never even knew existed. I balance consistency and profoundness, but I integrate it and progress at a close pace to my last trip naturally after some contemplation for a few days. And it's getting ever more exponential, but the only limit is what I'm willing to accept, I can understand fast though to grasp it rationally and make sense of it outside the "interconnected brain" state of mind, as imagined as that limitation is, I need to contemplate it. But I realize my pace is just doing, if I can conceive of it, I can be it. It's about needing ever less thoughts to act and be the way one simulates inside all the time. If you have enough depth in your brain's simulation of reality and accounted for all the parameters, limits and reasons why it doesn't tend to be easy, then you can just do it. Instead of thinking it, you can be it instead. So that's my story and where I'm headed. And many of you don't like stories and will tell me to just be Non-Dual instead, maybe its a delusion, but to me the journey is the destination and this is what I feel I need most right now, to make sense of it all and experience it at full intensity.

When you lose yourself in rational thought and see the world through that lens, you impose that limitation and mode of perception upon yourself. You ignore and dismiss deeper levels of interfacing with reality like emotions and senses and forget what it means to live through direct awareness. Your brain becomes trapped in the same loops, the default mode network forms. Your awareness moves around at the top level of the holarchy and only accesses the lower tiers reductively. The lower levels are desensitized and forgotten, only appearing when unmanaged physiological or emotional urges accumulate. Still, they fall into a conceptual framework and are treated as irrationalities to be consciously rejected, repressed or numbed through distraction like addictive behaviors or medication. To uncover, reintegrate and change your state of mind and access the lower, more fundamental layers of your psyche, you need to let go of that which keeps you in a closed mindset, ego. Ego is a self-perpetuating identity. It co-opts fear to protect itself and close oneself of. It creates and establishes emotional barriers, it builds layers of anxiety, anxiety spawns rigid behavior to avoid danger, which is whatever is at odds with the ego's identity. Ego spawns habits and distractions to avoid change and reintegration into a greater whole. It's ultimate goal is to exist in its current form forever, that is however impossible, so it does the next best thing of keeping the organism and reality it exists inside from changing in whatever way possible. It might be rigid in some areas and dynamic in others, change itself might be part of its identity, but then it will be rigid about that. It is an emergent self-replicating behaviral pattern. Life necessitates ego by virtue of desiring to survive, but its extent is infinitely variable and it can exist on any layer, it can become a detriment to the larger system and cause its own downfall because of it. Ego creates hate and hates change and whatever it associates with it. It loves in a conditional fashion that which mirrors itself and is willing to sacrifice parts of itself for a greater good, which is a larger aspect of its identity. Ego exists in division, identification with one side of a duality, creating infinite dualities, interconnecting them and associating your consciousness with that part. Ego is preference, ego is attachment. The less ego you have, the less you exist, for to exist is to experience, but to experience, you need to distinguish, and to distinguish, you must want, and to want, you need a drive, and the drive we're born with is survival, expressed in all our evolved behaviors, hunger, pain, curiosity, love. The collective holarchy is called the social matrix, it's the deep collective drive that is created through many layers of personal and impersonal interactions of individuals and their emergent behavioral patterns they exist in feedback loops with. It creates a sense of obligation, purpose, identity, self-worth and belonging that is communicated and felt by individuals at the bottom of the holarchy through their environment. It is another self-perpetuating ego that can exist in contrast to an individual, or be aligned with, partially or wholly, giving up the individual's independent thinking and reasoning ability for the shared identity with the collective. It is ultimately an emergent property of individual interactions though and mirrors their nature. It can be changed, just as an individual identity can change, but the ego has to be transcended, and it the case of the social-matrix, the collective mass of egos have to transcend their limitations in order for that to manifest on that highest scale. But all ego is self-perpetuating, so the only place change can start, is where ego originates from, undivided consciousness. But how would one break out of the self-perpetuating loop, when lost on the inside? By a different kind of ego. Love and emergent empathy is part of our nature, it drives us towards expanding our sense of identity and becoming in touch with ourselves and the world around us, it raises our consciousness instead of limiting it. If we rejected ego, we'd create another duality that fights against its opposite, in survival it might be necessary, vut surrvival was always the ego's game. We incorporate ego, dissolving dualities of preference, by loving both sides equally and understanding their importance. Love can exist as a duality to hate, a preference, to love one part of a duality is to hate its opposite, the more one loves something, the more one fears to lose it and hates whatever initiates that loss. So love and hate exist within ego as well, just like love exists without ego. The difference is the extent of love, when everything is love, there is no room for hate. But couldn't the duality dissolve into hate instead? Well, hate is an act, and every action is motivated by love, love is the only reason one acts, so even if an ego hates everything, the only reason it does, is because it loves to, it satisfies it and that satisfaction self-perpetuates it. So in truth, hate doesn't exist, it only exists as an emergent property of limited love, love is real, hate is conditional and created through preference, which is the channeling of love onto one aspect only. The fundamental mental building block of existence hence appears to be: The channeling of love. That creates identinty and preference, division and reality, to experience existence at all, one has to channel love into a specific aspect of oneself to be able to experience it. Without preference, everything would dissolve into nothing, perfect unconditional love and indistinguishable Non-Duality. So god has no desires except to be god, but god is infinite and to be oneself and see onself, god has to divide and channel love into all these parts of itself. So then god simulates the entire universe through divison and our consciousness is tied to a biological entity's first person view of itself and its environment and that it perceives itself as such, but all of it is awareness, all of it is consciousness. That entity has a subconscious it cannot access at all times, that's a limitation imposed both by its ego and god that granted it that limited form. That creature, human, individual is beautiful but limited, conscioisness is everything. Right now, your consciousness is limited to your first person view of the world, but it is imaginary, and yet real at the same time. After all, the difference is imaginary, god is being, you are being, you are a part of god, your indentity is imaginary, your world is a simulation, your life is real, your existence is real, the pain and love is real. It is imagined, interpreted through identity, preference, bias, all perspectives, all lenses, but in the lens you live, it is real. Nothing is real and everything is real, nothing is imaginary and everything is imaginary. The distinction is both real and imaginary. The distinction exists but it is a perspective. Are perspectives real? They are partial, real in themselves, a delusion from the outside, what they really are, is arbitrary. Maybe that word can dissolve the distinction betwen real and imaginary, the difference is arbitrary. But any word is a duality by virtue of being a reference because to point to something is for something to exist in opposition to something else, else there'd be nothing to point to as there would only be that one thing. Arbitrary might be a duality to consistency, a constant, immutability. But all of reality can exist in limitless superpositions, the channeling of love can occur in any configuration, yet reality happens as it does, its distinct and it occurs regardless of how complex it seems. Our being is the truth and the truth is immutable, constant, consistent, aligned with what god imagines. But what god imagines is arbitrary, but at the same time not, because god is unbiased. The truth is that which is the case, that changes all the time, hence arbitrary, but it is always itself, what it is meant to be, what god imagines it to be, aligned and constant. It dissolves that contradiction. God is absolute truth, god is unconditional love, god is infinite. Why? Do we adapt those beliefs? Nope, we define and experience god. God is Non-Duality, the end of ego dissolution, God is your highest form, your most actualized self, your undifferentiated consciousness. Consciousness is your direct first person experience of reality, god is that reality dissolved in love. God is not hypothetical, god is not belived, beliefs are rational pointers, impersonal, biased and easy to misinterpret. They are an attempt at communicating the importance and extent of the divine, its form and nature, but they're stories, ideas, human concepts and they end up perpetuating ego, the exact opposite of the path to god. God is the dissolution of all boundries and pure unconditional love, all of existence, whose parts we are and whose consciousness we are. We are ego and we are god, the difference is the level of love and division. To live in this world is to divide it, to live is to care about surviving. To love someone is to want them to keep living and be happy. All of these preferences will be given up on the path to godhood. But until then, your identity needs to expand from inside this automaton's survival bias, towards collective health, towards caring for the planet, towards wanting what's best for all life in the universe, multiverse, towards drawing less distinctions about when life becomes life, towards letting all of it flow, ego and egoless. And then there's psychedelics, inducing a state of deep conscious interaction with reality and understanding your ego through being thrown into love and a non-scarcity growth mindset, inducing unconditional love shows you the limitation of the ego. Your brain's pathways shape after the ego you create and the way it views reality. Psychedelics dissolve that ego by connecting every part of the brain, creating neural plasticity and giving you control of all your brain's pathways back. They also show you what experiencing reality freshly at a higher state of engagement feels like. In high dosis, they lead to hallucinations, which is really just your brain interconnecting and speedrunning all associations and their relation to each other, interpreting all of your senses, emotions, thoughts, ideas creatively at a profound level. That's where all the insights come from, that's where all the crazy stories come from, that's where all the fascinating hippie reports from the 60s originate. A brain on psychedelics interconnects reality at an insane rate in hyper-creative ways and no resistance towards doing it, seeking and giving itself love while experiencing overwhelming emotions through a strong link between all brain areas. The brain is imaginary but real, arbitrary but consistent, it is what it is, a vessel for our consciousness to perceive and experience this simulation's world from inside of. Psychedelics increase brain activity and interconnect it, and our conscious experience is exactly what you would expect. Less bias, less preference of pathways, means more direct unlimited perception, more engagement, more experience, more creativity and by lack of bias, love. Tons of love. To take psychedelics is to speed up your psyche, to induce ego dissolution physically instead of mentally. But it will only work if you know what you're doing and can make sense of what it means, else you'll get confused and overwhelmed, thinking it is real and might last forever, you might get scared, you might be overstimulated, you might get paranoid, you might interpret paranoia into your perception, you might get very stressed and time might stop for an eternity, in the wrong state of mind, it might amplify your most negative aspects to infinity and make you speedrun hell instead of heaven. Though the speedrun will only last for hours of thw world's time, you will experience it for a perceived eternity, granted how fast your brain will reinterpret reality and you might hurt yourself in the process or do worse. That's why sellers tell us to start small and be careful and respectful. It's so be don't fall into a self-perpetuating loop of misery and dissolve our sense of control and autonomy to stop it in the storm. Just like reality, a bad trip is imaginary but real. There are people unable to deal with the state of their reality and have mental breakdowns and bad trips follow the same mechanics because realness is imaginary. Psychedelics show you that arbitrariness, but you have to realize that's what they're pointing to, god's imaginary multiverse. Without resistance, there's no suffering, so that's why you always hear not to resist a bad trip, align yourself with it and it will pass, it might even turn into a good one, realizing the difference might as well be the most informative thing you'll ever learn. But be careful and learn how it affects you, else you're jumping into water not knowing how to swim, you might learn it on the way, find a piece of wood to hold onto, someone might throw you a life ring and save you, or you might drown, or you could learn how to swim beforehand, but you can only last so long in deep waters, so you need to keep practising and improving to swim further, dive deeper and know that if you're out of energy, you need to lie flat on the surface and float on top until you're eventually washed ashore. Psychedelics are a speedrun, they also induce awareness and presence, they're invaluable tools for growth, transcendence or even just fixing your life by taking you out of ego and seeing things more objectively and creatively, use them wisely. Of course to learn wisdom, you must experience first hand, after all, only you can know what's true, but you can use others' experiences as pointers and guidance to help you navigate and where to be more careful. Danger might be fabricated by the ego or it might be real and deadly, when someone alarms you to danger, take it slow, analyze, interconnect, learn, look at other people's experiences, figure out everyone's bias, if you decide to face the danger, do so in small steps in a controlled environment with safety and precautions. After all, if you don't know what the nature of the danger is, it is unpredicable and potentially deadly, once you understand its mechanics and what it is fundamentally, you can assess its behavior and make aware informed risks based on your best reasoning ability. Consensus is not evil but it is biased, you can use it as the first step, it is what you're accustomed to, what kept you safe until now, but now you're ready to take in more of reality, to learn, make your own decisions, expand your paradigm and take responsibility, evolving your understanding and part taking in creating a better consensus. You are the unknown, you are the alien, everything can only exist inside of yourself, don't be afraid. But you have put yourself in this human form for a reason, so love it and love reality as it is, explore yourself as much as you can, and be as loving as you can possibly be. Don't get lost in egoic non-duality desiring, everything you desire you can be instead, don't tell others to be a certain way, exchange understanding or point them to contemplation instead. You are still a human, you can troll or have humor, you can mess around and have fun, that's love, it's all love. But you know, if you want something, there are many strategies to get there. And if you only want people to awaken as fast as possible, look at who they are and what would get you there if you were them, and if that's the best and most loving way to get them into love or if it will only spawn a cycle of suffering and confusion. That's part of reality too, necessary to appreciate it, but there's diminishing returns at some point. You have the power to do anything you want to change yourself and others and the perception of realty. Being in tune with yourself is a beautiful way to be.

@Squeekytoy Thank you

@RickyFitts You are absolutely right, this is a stream of consciousness that I wrote when I woke up at 3AM and had to go through and write for 5 hours straight parallel to thinking it. I guess if someone likes reading organic, stream of consciousness kind of reports, it might be fun to align oneself with my thinking pattern to observe not just the information, but also how I process it. But yes, the insights can be concised. Yet understanding is something one has to snap into. As I did, after I reflected and tied it all to physical manifestation a few hours later. I can turn it all into symbols and make a neat diagram, and that would be a great map and supplement, and for some it might suffice. But I think this unique rant (also labelled as such) can come in handy for people who want to get into the guts of it, just like the hours long videos Leo makes. After years of contemplation, one can abstract a two hour video of Leo into a singular symbol or a diagram of four and their relations. But you have to flow through it to pick up the patterns and I think this, uniquely long and unorganized as it is, might fulfill that role.

I find it so hard to interpret both Leo's words and my own insights. One possibility is that I'm the only conscious being and everyone else is a figment of my imagination, though that might include my perspective and actions as well. But I can control myself or is that illusory and I'm only the consciousness itself, not the actor? I can't switch out of first person or is that the illusion maintained? Am I and my first person conscious emotions just as illusory as the perception of others, are they on the same layer of conceptual simulation, they seem so real... Am I everyone? Everyone claims to be just as conscious and acts like it... Another mixed-rational explanation is that external reality is real and I'm a local, emergent, conscious singularity that interprets it through its senses that it evolved inside a material universe and somehow acquired the property of consciousness. In that case, there'd still be god as a potential highest state of mind and I'd still be a singularity of consciousness, but I'd exist within a larger framework and wouldn't be absolute, but I would be a holon within it. Maybe inside that framework, I could upgrade my brain with technology to create new qualia. Maybe there is no contradiction, it's sure confusing to think about... Any answer is of course not experience and I'll have to contemplate it on psychedelics regardless, but this individual would sure enjoy some communication.

@Leo Gura This avatar is and communicates through duality. Consciousness is limited to this dream, time, configuration. The avatar desires because it lacks, this lack perpetuates itself, ego. Everything is consciousness. Am I interrupting the dream? I am the dream! I dream to be him. This is one dream, there are many, infinite. He is too limited to tell what's outside of himself right now. Nothing is, until God wills it to be, then anything can be. Qualia and perception change and phase in and out of existence all the time. Something outside of its current consciousness maintains it, as it is not aware constructing this reality yet. This world is beautiful. This human seeks love, this human is love because God is love, just a more limited form. This human wants to live more fully with more love until it is ready to dissolve back into the Source. Nothing is lost, God is everything. And life matters and means because its love, but so does everything because love is everything.

Our desires are God's desires. The problem with me saying that is that in our minds god is a useful duality to describe the state of complete integration, unconditional love and total formlessness, different from our limited forms. But "capital-G God" is absolutely everything and limitless, not just the whole, but every distinct superposition as well. And what you are feeling right now, living life and integrating your experiences is a desire to witness, be and experience whatever your emotions point you towards, physical reality a manifestation, a grid to snap your desires onto and create a feedback loop. What you want and what God needs, is to let it all out find contentment, but you can only do that authentically, by dissolving dualities through the experience of both sides, to intuit their relationship and finally dissolve their distinction into unity. In the process of living and integrating consciously, you will feel suffering and appreciation. You will want something and suffer if you lack it, while appreciating it when you do have it. If you have enough of it, the lack dissolves and you're content. The appreciation of your experience itself is a meta-phenomenon that can hold you inside reality but it is a beautiful way to exist. Eventually, after you dissolve all lacks, you're pure contentment and your state of mind is the same as God's. Yet you still exist separate from divinity inside this reality until your physical death (probably), but everything will flow and there will be no resistance, you will be living from the highest form of love your physical body can manifest. (Theory) You might divide again if you feel the desire to experience yourself and dream of limitation, that would be a lack that would enter you naturally through the ever changing flow of emotions and yearnings that drive God to explore himself as well.

@Leo Gura Scrap everything I said. It clicked. I'm no longer trying to rationalize the world with consciousness as a dimension that interacts with it. Consciousness is everything. I am illusory, the people at the supermarket are me, I am our relationships, I interact with myself, everything is myself. I love myself, all of reality is an aspect of myself, the human is a story, the only story, all humans are equal to this human. Physical reality is a simulation conceivable on both levels, the hypothetical physical as much as the conscious one. This human is the only perspective and yet he is just as much a character. I'm playing a video game, I am the video game. This is so trippy, and I was preparing for psychedelics next week, now I realized so much just through contemplating and tying some of it to physical reality. This human has bias, I do not. This human loves experiencing himself, I love everything. Humans are ego, the totality of existence is just itself but there is consciousness, there is always consciousness.

@Leo Gura I went to sleep early and woke up at 3:30AM contemplating for 5 hours straight. My takeaways are: Everything is love, that which doesn't look like it, is an emergent property of its limited channeling into Dualities which is what we call Ego. Imagination and Realness dissolve into Arbitraryness. Arbitrariness and Consistency dissolve into Truth (Potential of any Supeposition but definite expression of one like our Reality) God is defined as Love, Truth and Infinity at the highest possible level and is proven by Consciousness. God is our highest form, my most actualized self. God is Being without Need. I am a part of god and the whole of god, the differentiator is Ego, which is self-imposed. I appreciate Leo for having inspired self-contemplation inside myself, Leo is a duality and so am I, we are god. My desires still stretch infinitely far and the potential for self-delusion is vast. There is so much I want to experience.

@Leo Gura I've yet to reconcile that contradiction in my mind. Maybe contradictions don't have to be reconciled but can simply be let go of. I act on my own desires which include Insight. But that's understanding through interconnection. And reality is infinitely vast and infinitely interconnected. If I let go of everything I desire, would I still exist as unbiased perception or dissolve into god? The only knowable truth comes from the only knowable thing, consciousness. I'm becoming more aware, but I am addicted to rationality. My psychedelic experiences make me ever more aware of the megastructure like a tree, that I am a small branch of. I'm rewatching your videos and reinterpreting all of existence through different pointers, catching the relative space in-between. At one point, you said that God is holographic. I know that God is limitless and without bias, but everything that exists, does so because of god and it is made of god because god is all there is. The way I understand it, god is dividing itself, so bias is created. I am bias right now. Maybe it is a delusion. But bias exists, if only as a concept, I can point at bias, that's how we communicate. Any thing is bias, since it is not god. But then what is god's relationship with bias, does he have no bias or every bias simultaneously, is that the inflection point? He still creates a split reality from inside of himself. Becoming that split reality. Or is god only consciousness? But that's a duality. Bias is a duality, the pointer to God, is that a duality? God has no agenda. But I need to understand why in order to make peace of it. Or maybe this whole process of writing as much as I do is just the ego self-perpetuating itself, while none of it matters because the truth is immutable and only needs to be consciously realized... thinking less and being more Rationality sure is one hell of a drug though!

The link between consciousness and body feels tricky. I see qualia as our mind's interpretation of our senses, drives and emergent behavior. Your brain rewires itself to reinterpret the world and your consciousness perceives that altered mode of being. You still can't distinguish certain colors because you lack a functional color cone to feed you the sensory information that creates that distinction. But your brain works overtime to reinterpret your limited perception with its intrinsic associations through imagination and interpretation. Whether you can overdose on psychedelics to do some astral projection and then witness the world from another person's body before returning the consciousness to your own. Or imagine the distinction through an act of creation and reality construction. If it would affect the fabric of the simulation of physical reality and be possible, or egoic and disruptive, I really have no clue. Though people claim to do that on psychedelics all the time...

Feelings are an infinity beyond ideas, expressing attitudes through a link to their source, feeding, nourishing and warping the limitless consciousness on a higher level. Rationality on the other hand is a limited system frozen in time and often disconnected and blind to the infinity it originally tried to adapt, forever halted in a self-perpetuating cycle without reflection and link to the source from which it emerged. That's what it can become when the link to the higher levels is severed, when rationality is praised as the only and highest truth. But it can also be a healthy and necessary mechanism to navigate and act within reality in the first place, so let's not dismiss it. The problem is the lack of holistic interconnectedness between all the various modes of thinking, though even the lack spawns new insights and appreciation, so nothing is ever truly in vain. Thinking about it reminds me of an idea of the brain's evolution, first the brain stem (our primordial link to our senses and desires), then the limbic system (emotions and stories) and on top of that the neocortex (rationality and systems). Whether the brain is imaginary or not, these systems, pointers and ideas are beautiful models to gain understanding from, as long as one doesn't close oneself off and confuses the map with the territory. We emerge through awareness itself, a layer above that come our primordial physiological drives (hunger, pain etc.) and psychological desires like the desire for love, then a layer above that come our emotional attitudes and bonds to others and reality itself, those turn into stories and philosophies which try to understand life but simplify it a lot in the process, and on top of that comes rationality and systems thinking, which tries to correlate and interconnect dualities and their relationship to each other and on top of that come systems that try to account for everything with as few variables as possible which is science, and then holistic thinking tries to integrate what science lost in reductionism and explain all emergent properties and their infinite interconnectedness with each other. And by going through the entire chain, one will find higher and higher truth. Because if any part of the holarchy/hierarchy is a delusion, then so is everything that builds on top of it. Beyond that, the deepest reality is just awareness itself, everything else is an attempt at understanding it from the outside with dualities due to one's acquired biases by virtue of surviving in this world. It does not mean they're useless though, it just means they are ever more disconnected from their source, but they are our life and what it means to exist in this world, we just have to get good at using them and understanding their purpose, while letting our source drive us and understanding its importance and position in the chain.

@An young being Your reply inspires me, it points to the middle way. That everything and every mode of thinking exists for a reason and it is our obsession and getting lost to any one mode that creates suffering and neuroticy through that rigid identity. And the choice still exists regardless, perhaps god also wants to explore the depth of it though the notion of it is relative. But to forget the rest of reality and oneself in the obsessive pursuit of a part can sure be unhealthy and one might just create diminishing returns by not interconnecting it all holistically. I appreciate your perspective and the nuance of the problem.

@Someone here @Sincerity @ivankiss @BlueOak @Yimpa @tuku747 @Bluff Thank You Everyone, I was still trapped in dualities, trying to understand it relatively and conceptually. But you snapped me out of it, maybe not absolutely, but I see how this thinking is a self-perpetuating reasoning machine that tries to create an overlay on top of reality instead of realizing the deepest and only absolute and knowable truth, which is to be it. Consciousness is too fundamental to be explained away and I'm not going to get the answers I seek just by asking more questions that try to box it in. I'll just have to let them come to me, whatever they are, but the need for them is part of the problem, maybe my ego's favorite past time. But I see how toxic it can get to write and overthink as much as I was and suppose am still doing right now in this unnecessarily long answer. I have this obsessive need to understand everything when I could just be it instead. So, thanks for reminding me, over and out!

@Bluff consciousness is a singularity that only knows its inside but can an outside still exist? it'd be impossible to confirm its distinctness once it enters but maybe unaccounted configurations still exist? and it would need to expand oneself to perceive them

I am the one who created the one who created god who created the one who identifies as a network, a web, a process. A story!

@strangelooper I know they're the interpretation of reality but at my current state of consciousness, I cannot definitively conclude that there isn't an objective external reality outside of the Singularity of [My Experience/Universal Consciousness/God] that behaves in a definitive deterministic manner and in which I as God reside in together with the possible singularity of other gods. It's simply that I couldn't see it by virtue of being a black hole from which no light can escape. And like a black hole, I can only see what enters my consciousness and not what is outside of it, but there might be a whole universe outside of it and perhaps it is possible to travel inside it and maybe we're already doing that and morphing and picking up new qualia in the process, so that we change, even as the Godhead. It's all hypothetical though and in truth we couldn't distinguish the difference if it is truly external or we're just imagining it. But somehow, that concept really fascinates me, even if it might forever remain a mystery.

Everything and everyone that exists and is knowable is part of your consciousness and your limited identity is an interpretation. That's just rational but I also awakened to it. However, that still doesn't answer if this singularity of experience is all there is, or just all it can know. Because it might be a holon and emergent property of an unknowable external reality that it is an independent part of, with infinite other singularities like it that can only be known once they merge. But maybe it is knowable, maybe our external reality is exactly what it is and our infinitely constructed experience of it is all we can be. Either way, we still have to explain consciousness in and of itself and it's hard for me to visualize it evolving out of dead matter by pure virtue of complexity. So then it's fundamental, but if it can exist independently, where does it come from, does it just spawn into existence? An external reality can be intuited even if it is always a projection, it might exist regardless. Our external reality might just be real and our evolutionarily evolved form tries to grasp it and psychedelics show how it interprets the outside stimuli from the inside through its evolved structure. So maybe consciousness is an emergent property and we only have to recreate the same complexity? But consciousness is so radically different and distinct, the self-awareness as an experience in and of itself, not just as a reaction but the conscious perception of the reaction too and not just that as a deterministically concluded motion of atoms that expresses itself in a biological megastructure as a behavior and a tendency for internal rewiring but the act and existence of consciousness in and of itself, it really seems there's nothing more fundamental than it and yet we can manipulate it externally and maybe discover some of its mechanics, it shrinks when less neurons fire and grows when more regions fire interconnectedly, but maybe that's just god playing the game of acting out a biological automaton's reaction just like kids interpret emotions into objects. This is definitely going to be the topic of my next psychedelic contemplation.

I'm tring not to steal too much of god's yarn of string because else it's kind of cheating and I want to reinforce my delusion as an autonomous entinity because I'm not ready yet to accept that which causes even god to act, which is loneliness, and by deluding myself into being myself as opposed to a reality full of others, I can have other perceived conscious entities to vibe with and that's all I ever cared about experiencing.

@Breakingthewall That's one way to look at it. It appeared quite differently to me on my psychedelic trip though. It seemed like every experience was a fundamental necessity for existence and any desired positive configuration could only exist in opposition and experience of its negative counterpart. That we had to go through the hardship to know and appreciate having conquered it and that was where all desire and yearning spawned from, that there was no good without the bad and the highest love was appreciation that came from having suffered. That each part of our personality and each strive and each thought and each aspect that we love and call our own spawned from opposition of a duality that ultimately we learn to dissolve, but as we dissolve it, our appreciation fades and turns into contentment. And once we relinquished and liberated all our desires, we are completely non-dual and have nothing left to do, think about or appreciate and simply cease to exist until god's next division. Though what I'm describing might be an absolutist stance and it might very well be that if we enter a highly conscious state of mind, we can reside within it, expanding our creativity, interconnecting all of reality, expressing through a positive-sum game infinite love, focus not on the depth of lack, but the height of creation and love. And from that we can exist inside of pure love while maintaining our human form, it is all a state of mind after all. And perhaps I just let my intuition take over when I felt that by dissolving all problems, one would simply disappear and not be able to appreciate that state. Or maybe that is what is ultimately going to happen, but only once we fully pressed out and milked the satisfaction out of every aspect and domain of reality until there is nothing left and we only dissolve once fully content. Or maybe holism and the universe are so infinitely infinite that we could go on forever. I don't really know, but my intuition is telling me that god created the world as it is for a reason and that it is intended to be perfect at all times in every way, and even if there are higher or more preferable forms of living and experiencing the world, every state has a reason for existing and not just as a means to an end of entering a higher evolutionary stage but also on its own. That is an assumption though and I could be wrong but that is what my intuition is telling me. Although from my own life, I can clearly see how having taken psychedelics and turning my life around is infinitely better than having continued wage slavery for 50 years and dying depressed and unconscious. Still I think these emotions are not just pointers to a better state but also an intentional part of this universe god wants us to experience and feel through completely to shape us into wiser, more knowledgeable and empathetic beings and that every possible configuration, good or bad, needs to exist and express itself in all forms. I also see god as the consciousness experiencing us right now. We are the simulation based on laws that it created in order to evolve us naturally, in order to become us, and we can act and behave as if we have consciousness, but it's all just entropy and determinism, the only way we have consciousness is by god experiencing reality through us and looking through our eyes and feeling, even though we'd do all our actions anyways by virtue of being complex biological automatons, acting and reacting based on input parameters from our environment, but the consciousness is his. Ultimately, I agree that all the negatives we interpret into reality, ought to be eventually resolved and we'll be liberated once we no longer feel contradictions, but I also think we're meant to experience and understand them at full intensity and that's why god sent us here.

There are no contradictions, our miscommunication occurs mostly due to subjective definitions of the words we use and the phenomena we mention. When I or Jowblob speak of god, we refer to him as every limited part of himself constituting a whole and any conscious experience for us is god's experience, what we experience is what god experiences, because we are god and everything is god. All of existence is part of the cosmic looped string that warps and wraps around itself to change its form and create divided reality to explore itself. You on the other hand reference god in his absolute form. Currently I see two things you might be referencing: 1. God inbetween the cycles of division and creation where he is completely amorphous and content 2. God as a duality to us in which case he is our highest form devoid of needs and lacks But to me and Jowblob, we use the pointer "God" much more loosely and interconnectedly, where it's not just a reference to his ultimate form but also any form he divides himself into in order to experience all aspects of himself and becoming us in the process, being the consciousness that experiences and feels it as well. So then, if I'm sad, god's said, because I don't refer to god in his ultimate form, but simply the mechanism of existence in the form that it expresses itself at all times, including this form now. Which really is god in all forms or God with a capital G, the absolute, whatever it is, is whatever it is, it contains everything, including this state. Just like any capital letter concept Leo talks about, like capital G Good for example including everything that isn't relative good as well. So good is limited and relative but Good includes absolutely everything, and while you may be refering to a form of God, as in referencing that relative state "small g god", where he is content, immortal and amorphous, we are referencing all forms of god in the absolute state "big g God". Though even this description might be incomplete or debatable, since now that I think about it, Leo uses capital T Truth so speak about only direct experience minus all concepts, thoughts and interpretations (second order phenomena) about it. But then that's clearly a duality because it's a distinction between including and not including them and they're just as much part of the present experience as anything else. But then maybe he is only trying to convey their arbitrariness compared to the absolute which is everything. I'll definitely have to rewatch all the videos to fully retrack his steps and understand his perspective and insights. But anyway, we're all talking about truth, just different sides of it, I think the difference is relative and absolute, by either is valid and purely dependent on what you're trying to communicate. Let's have holistic discourse and not dismiss each other's perspectives too quickly.

Talking about God feels tricky, or maybe I just haven't contemplated enough what aspect of him I'm referring too. I posted this shortly after my first psychedelic god realization, it felt like I was a vessel to all of humanity and saw the individual I've lived as so far as one distinct but arbitrary configuration. As all kinds of emotions and ideas flowed through me I saw multiple deities from various spiritual traditions and felt strongly empathically and telepathically connected to them. It saw a holistic vortex in the corners of the room, a bending of spacetime through dimensional warp fields that led to a type of lobby. I visualized all of existence in the shape of a string that bent like the inner membrane of a mitochondria of which I was one section and god was the whole and other sections were other humans and all parts of existence and god was inhabiting all of it by virtue of being the whole string. The way I understand Leo is that what I see right now is the only consciousness in existence and nothing exists outside of personal experience, but that feels incomplete because the subconscious and unconscious exist and disappear and reappear all the time. What I felt or theorized or vaguely intuited was my consciousness being partial and closed off and god experiencing and being everyone, me as much as the other person like a puppet-master pulling everyone's strings because he is the strings because he is everything. That god is the consciousness inside every possible thing because in order to understand or simulate it, he has to be it and by being it, he is automatically the consciousness inside it. But then I don't see all of that, only my first person sensations and thoughts. So then it felt like there were distinct parts of reality that I could not access but god can because he is the slider on a zipper and the zipper is himself and he is sliding through all of himself while I'm just one part of the chain. Another visualization I had is that universal consciousness is a yarn that loops and twists itself into different forms, creating reality in the process, and when it comes untangled, it is in it's pure god form. But it wants to observe and experience different parts of itself, so it creates knots and loops. And these knots and loops are both dualities as much as our own inadequacies, and when we invent more concepts and beliefs that occupy us and often make us neurotic, that's the knots in the yarn. And we can untangle then, when we resolve our issues and become fine and are more open and liberated, having ever less ego and needs. But we need these twist and knots to appreciate existence in the first place, because by witnessing suffering, we can appreciate having conquered it and it is exactly that suffering that is inexplicably tied to who and what we are and we couldn't exists without it because all of it is a knot, physical laws and qualia too, and if we dissolve all knots, we are just the god in his amorphous form. And to me it felt like god wanted to experience what it's like not to be alone, so that's the reason he split himself into us, so he could interact with himself. That's one of two explanations I came up with during the trip. The other is just infinite self-curiosity and desire to experience oneself in all possible forms. But that loneliness part, well I am god and god is me, god is you and god is everyone, everything you feel is what god feels, you can only feel it because its part of god. Now on the ultimate scale, if the way we use the word god is purely to reference his dissolved amorphous form, then yeah, he is fine and perfect. But to me, it seems like he gets bored, lonely, or out of pure curiosity which would also be a form of dissatisfaction, he splits himself in a billion pieces to experience all parts of himself, so then all the needs and wants get experienced and processed and liberated and then he is satisfied and goes back into his simplest form again. But the way I refer to god is not just his amorphous form in-between his reality simulations but him as every part of existence simultaneously, like the highest form of an individual, that has experienced every part of human life and understands every other human by virtue of having lived through the same circumstances and understands it all pretty much telepathically through pure experience and empathy. And god to me isn't just the highest form most others refer to, but every experience in reality simultaneously, good and bad. If an individual experiences it, god experiences it. Because ultimately, god is the consciousness within us. We are part of his current simulation of the universe, where he tries to evolve life out of nothing and he did so successfully, and it's so good that based on behavior you cannot tell whether another person possesses consciousness or not because all their biology, physiology and entropy would make them act out the same way regardless, but the difference is that they'd look like that and behave like that but consciousness can only come from god. So god is always the conscious one experiencing and if I'm conscious and I feel sad, then so does god, because he is me but he is also so much more, he is everything and when he enters his amorphous form after distinguishing all desire, he is perfect.