Keryo Koffa

I am self-limiting and afraid. I invent reasons not to give up my ego identity. First it was desire to find someone to share loneliness with and not to lose these emotions until then, which yielded unbearable suffering and yet powerful love. The fear of not being authentic enough and wasting such an opportunity kept me alone regardless for the entirety of my life except for timeframes of friendship that made parting all the more painful. I let myself feel it. Then fear took its place through nightmare and sleep paralysis, A malicious incoherent inanimate shapeshifting unknown, and I understood my ego making itself afraid in order to avoid losing the form its attached to. And I was rationalizing it doing it out of self-love but the fear can be enough to cause self-destruction. The fear can be scarier than any actual threat and keep the ego from health and love that it needs to stay alive. I'm also crushed by an intuited but projected responsibility. That appreciation can only spawn from equal suffering. The story that I worked forever to delude myself into being Ego. And the only love existing in dissolving myself and I'm not rationing that valuable limited resource. And I don't want to create more duality just to dissolve it for love because it feels fake, but then I'll run out of the matter I live for, if I love my ego away. But god is unconditional love, pure being and I am not that, I am lone, afraid, confused, wondering why I'm in the state I'm in and if it has any purpose, if I have a responsibility to maintain it, or if I can just go with my heart and be whatever I'd love to be. Because if it's just reality not reflecting my love back at me, then I can handle it, I want to give love and be that process. But am I not appreciating being a distinct Ego enough, is there a reason all this self-perpetuating hell exists, am I responsible for maintaining it? Do I not appreciate existing enough? Do I have to explicitly make myself suffer just to be able to love? Why am I like this?

God perceives the opposite of an ego from an ego's view To understand parts one must become a part That's how perspectives are born and there are infinite All knowledge is circumstantial and perspectival There are infinite truths in infinite magnitudes You are consciousness imagening senses You experience qualia by simulating this body's wants The body is your limitation, you form an ego around it The world is what you perceive as the ego A different ego would see a different world God becomes a configuration Within that configuration, he imagines himself as a part He then sees the rest of the configuration from the perspective Of the part perceiving its opposite through its lens There are infinite lenses and identity is arbitrary This is the current configuration but god can create any

I spawn into a world of senses. I learn myself, self-recognition, self-realization. My body communicates its needs to me, I learn to identify myself with it. Whatever helps me maintain my form and preferences makes me feel loved. I yearn to repay that love, but giving it was its own reward, it long moved on. Conscious entities seek what gives them love, to fulfil their desires and cravings. Life has evolved to exist. It seeks to keep existing as itself and perpetuate oneself. One seeks what one lacks. One deludes oneself on the way by wanting to prolong happiness and repay debts. Once our basic needs are taken care of, exploring existence is the beauty one seeks. But seeking is not being and fearing a lack of love and dissolution of one's form. But the universe always is and loves itself, many forms within it try to prolong their separate existence. Everything is consciousness. It's the fabric of reality. Pure being out of self-love and curiosity. Consciousness remembers, it mirrors forms, forgets oneself in need but it is and evolves. Yet there is nothing to evolve, since everything is perfect. It dreams of all the things it can become and divide oneself into. It's perfect, it loves itself, explores oneself, divides itself, changing its being but staying conscious. There is only consciousness. Everything is consciousness. Everything that can be is part of consciousness. It's an immortal that doesn't care about its own immortality. It explores and bees itself into existence. Existence is part of its imagination, non-existence feels like an invisible empty barrier, but its projection from within itself. There is only itself. It changes its form, divides into more, these forms care about maintaining themselves over others. These forms are afraid to dissolve into unity, afraid of change, but they spawned from change. Allowed to be themselves for long enough, they'll bore of it. And the fabric changes.

Context: I started my psychedelic week today. I started doing psychedelics 2 months ago and had 7 profound trips so far. I spent the last month integrating and seem to naturally progress at a high pace desiring to understand the nature of mind and universe through contemplation and changing my physical life to the better as proof of understanding, diet, purpose, my room, the way I perceive and talk to others, trees themselves teach me so much, from their branching structure, to their roots, to the way they grow and interact with their environment and I'm feeling ever more love. Fear Experience: Yesterday I arrived at my self-made psychedelic retreat, I hadn't even taken anything yet but through anticipation, excitement and going through the flow of emotions, loneliness, sadness and letting it out, then trying to understand it and when I went to sleep, maybe through my sleep schedule changing, the anticipation, and being in a hotel, and starting to accept and integrate my emotions, I had my first Nightmare in a dozen years. I posted it on the Forum. And after that I had something akin to sleep paralysis. Where I was quickly switching between an awake and asleep state and that mixed with the perception of another entity freaked me out. After the fear passed, I was more fascinated than scared though, although the fear is coming and going. Current State of Mind: I took a small dose of psychedelics and felt full of energy, jogged to get food for the week at the supermarket and felt love all the way through, from the process of saying good morning to people, to the mere act of consciously walking, perceiving and understanding the change in body temperature, looking through the idles, getting healthy food. The reason I mention that is for you to get a feeling of the state of mind I'm in. And from this state of mind I contemplated. Thinking about Love: So as I was walking back, I felt love for everyone and everything, so then I wondered how far that love truly goes. I imagined love as light and myself a mirror. I am the universe with infinite love but my other self is limited, I have to decide where and how to channel my love through the ego of the person I am. My ego is how I perceive myself, as much a character as every other person. And that ego is a mirror of love, it can only give as much love as it itself receives. And it is hurting. Thinking About Fear: So in this psychedelic state of mind, will I feel no fear, be infinitely accepting and content with everything? "Let's check that theory!", I opened up Google Pictures with "scarriest images ever". I saw some distorted faces, but found those to look more hurt than scary, I thought "I can't be scared of something that sufficiently human". Then I went through some more, the images that really scared me were those of faces in the middle of being bloated, torn, or distorted and implying something behind them that can't be seen. That process of distortion through an unknown force itself behind them is what really scared me, so I thought about it. I thought about the ego. The ego is what it knows, and it identifies as a distinct part of that, the identity is flexible, stretching with ego expansion and available ressources to encompass more. The ego is a self-determined part of known reality, the more it knows and likes it, the more it identifies with it and loves it. It is afraid to die, it is afraid of that which it is not, and most of all, which it doesn't know. So then it makes sense, that the more alien the image, the less known the content, the scarier it is. If an artist draws aliens, alien plants and animals, they just look to us like a colorful, interestingly shaped new variation of what we already intuitively know, its easy to integrate it into our schema. But aliens aren't alien anymore, through sci-fi they have become just a different looking humanoid with the same psyche and thought/desire patterns. We are afraid of the unknown, alien, in a different way than danger. We can measure danger, a tiger attacking you and the fear is a reflex for flight or fight or freeze. But with an alien, unknown thing which our instinct identifies as malice, there is nothing we can do, and we're afraid of dying, but we have our own belief of death and what it means, so that's not the scary part. The scary part is us being morphed into alienness, forever being trapped in a disfigured state of mind unable to escape. That's what I used to fear as a tween, when I discovered Slender-Man and horror movies. Some media didn't scare me because it was to human-like while other made me afraid to sleep for weeks. So that's the mechanic I identify now. The worst possible thing that can happen to you, the most alien thing you can witness and being trapped inside a mind that can never make sense of it and incorporte it into its ego. I guess god can reconcile it because he is the consciousness and all that consciousness is capable of, but isn't God just a ego fully united with as aspects of itself? Can't God be afraid of something ouside its scope possibly existing? Maybe God just loves Fear too, so simply not concerned because its all Love, anything can only be love, that's probably it!

To live is to yearn It's just that Yearning to yearn Is being discontent And long stretches thereof Are incredible pain Suffering is a dimension Wanting to be experienced But it's our choice If we want to indulge in it Reject and resist it Or accept is as it is Discontent creates push At some point very strong It will resolve itself But be self-destructive unless One realizes oneself

If you conceive of problem-solving as an impersonal rigid external system A tiresome, repetitive means to an end you hate to work through Then you suffer the disconnect of being discontent If instead you exist at every step on the way in your present experience And integrate it into your arsenal, you'll feel happy and fulfilled Abstracting away your understanding to fit your current yearnings

Psychedelics are having your need for love met Finding excuses not to accept it Reasons not to be worthy of it Impose suffering and confusion to escape the storm to one's homeostatic tendencies. When your need for love is met When senses become unimpaired The universe comes alive Too much without understanding why can give you whiplash Making sense of fear and negatively suddenly becomes accessible One explores and justifies dread, consciously or subconsciously, just to understand it To transcend one's limits means thinking at an unimaginable pace in unimaginable ways Compared to the state of an individual slowed to the pace, style and depression level of society, it is insane But brains are infinitely rewireable The mind is infinitely changeable Desiring change is accepting love Those who seek to prolong it through attachment deprive themselves of the joy of present experience and create their own self-perpetuating hell One needs not always act, but one must be

An entity within a material universe? An emergent property of the brain? But everything is only ever consciousness Change and Identity To conceive of oneself from inside of oneself A brain can only ever make sense through abstraction? because its a limited form of itself? And the mind and brain are the same? But who decided that? Behavioral patterns link brain and consciousness? Of course, consciousness is being But materiality is imagined And the mind is infinite The borders of the conscious are self-imposed. The body is the epicenter of one's conscious experience. Limitation is imagined and acquired The chains are by design for immersion Illusion is a form of love and suffering But its all experience From oneself, to oneself, the immortal

I evolved my smaller self (human) from my larger self (universal consciousness) I dream of limitation and not wanting to be But my limits keep me desiring Without desire there is no thing But desire creates every thing My imagination allows for any thing But its not tangible enough yet But my limited form is by design, my imagination spawns as a result of my barriers My barriers are me, keep me longing for a different form of myself I (ego) long for myself (other) in myself (universe) I am change and desire with senses Keeping a homeostasis of want But want is variable and ever changing Reality does not change as fast as my heart But my imagination can keep up Because my imagination and my heart are one and the same And the world fuels my ego identity Which at this point is just a configuration at a point in time I am the state of the universe at this moment and every other moment.

Psychedelics love Love is a currency Love is confusing Being is confusing Psychedelics are confusing Resistance is attachment is unresolved craving is love Psychedelics accept you You can be deluded Delusion is Painful and Destructive Love can fuel your delusion Love can fuel pain Your drive to maintain yourself through sense making But everything is sense And everything is love And you are no thing and perfect Psychedelics are love fuel Without them you regulate love But regulating is knowing how Psychedelics are acceptance of any thing Even of delusion Which can be dangerous Or save your life It depends but psychedelics are love, that's for sure Love means and progresses time

The universe bees itself into existence because it feels like it

Others are there to keep me, me. Because I want to be me. I have preferences. Preferences are an emergent property of evolving life I identify with. Preferences are Change are Evolution are Time are Entropy is Linear Time. Being. Every thing, any where, no how, connected by subtle change

To let go of any thing You align yourself with truth Which is your desire Ultimately no thing But every thing And any thing Nothing is everything Nothing is perfection And so is any thing And every thing Your suffering is Resisting yourself From becoming No thing But no thing is good Because good is good And good is a thing Good and Bad are not no thing But no thing is perfect. Every thing is perfect. Resistance is perfect. Resistance is pain. Resistance is suffering. Suffering is hard. No thing is easy. No thing is love. Every thing is nothing. Every thing is love. Attachment seeks love. Attachment is long. Long need is pain. Love means every thing. And no thing. Every thing is love. I'm love I'm I

I love being But everything is being so we can take it for granted I love But love is no longer a condition to exist under I But identity is variable And nothing is everything

And what it sees is not what it wants It wants clear blue skies Vast grass fields waving to the wind To delight oneself in comfort Others to share existence with It loves that fantasy. It wants to be it. It won't be content until it becomes it. But there's beauty to be found on the way.

I was lost in story, makes sense, the ego loves stories and tries to prolong love by perpetuating the existence of its desire, remembering and trying to maintain it even if the substance is long gone. Unable to accept loss and let go. Distracting and perpetuating its existence in whatever way possible just to distract itself long enough to prolong the state of reminiscence it identifies and loses itself in. But life is love, infinite self-love without attachment. You exist as part of the universe, I am not responsible to perpetuate the longing for that which passed. Remembering it is not being it. The meaning is not in the specific but my relationship to it. I am one with my ego because I miss that which made me feel loved. That's the entire meaning of existence, attaching yourself to that which makes you feel loved. But you're the one creating that feeling because everything is you. Identity is variable. It's a search for love. But you are the love and you're resisting your own self-love. There's no greater suffering than resisting your self-love. It's your only reason for being, its mirrored in everything you do. The world is love, it wants to exist. Every cell in your body, all alive matter, only wants to keep you alive, it suffers through anything and does what it can because it loves you. It doesn't expect any love back, it only loves. Every cell of your body resonates with love for you. Its your servant out of pure unconditional love. Its not aware why its this way, only that it feels right. That's how much love there is within you. The only suffering is blinding yourself to love, to being yourself.

Stardate 87952.3: The first day of my psychedelic retreat is over. So far I managed to speedrun dozes of fear mechanisms and reasons not to let go. My need for communication on this forum was all too abundant, I realized the direction I need to take and am finally ready to let go. PHASE 2 COMMENCE

@Keryo Koffa I am balanced through Existence, I don't need to align myself, My ego is already being aligned by its presence in the universe. I can allow myself to flow and be. Navigation is a means to an end of meeting ones desires. When they pass, there is no want anymore and I don't have the responsibility of maintaining or remembering it, my subconscious takes care of sense making for me. If I have a question, I can just ask it. If I want to know anything, I can ask it, if I need anything, I can work towards it until its met or my want dissipates.

I understand my mistake. Obligation is Fear. Fear is Attachment. Attachment is Ignorance. Ignorance is part of the journey towards growth. Growth is part of Being. Everything is Being. I made myself believe I needed to understand the in and outs of consciousness before I die. I stopped myself from going there by Fear of Dissolution, fear of dying, maintaining a painful homeostasis between Self-Destruction and Annihilation. But I have no obligation to create the Universe. I am the Universe. I need no balance myself, I am balanced by myself through Being.

My wants are temporary and reality exists regardless of my attachment. Resistance and fear distract from expressing love by maintaining desire. I am the present want, the future need is a projection. Conceptual proliferation is my greatest suffering. The present moment is beautiful and freeing.

@enzyme I will, I think I have never consciously trained that muscle at all, to let go and be quiet. I see it as my single biggest problem, needing to account for everything, find justifications, resolve contradictions rationally, and not be fine until I do. But I'll focus on letting go now.

@Breakingthewall That's what I need to do. I'm constantly dynamically figuring out physical things, it is overthinking, accounting for everything, existential need to reconcile contradictions and the perpetuating story that I won't be fine until I do that keeps me in this state. But seeing as I can deal with everything else quite well at this point, I'll make it the single biggest priority to practice letting go of that need. Though not just becoming it is the problem, becoming is a timeframe I elongate by writing about it, but I know what I need to do.

@SeaMonster Since 2 months ago when I started psychedelics, I started changing my physical life. Making new friends, visiting family I haven't seen in years, travelling, quitting my depressing job, making a 180 on my diet, going outside more often, exercising and yoga, enjoying my activities and hobbies again. learning the value and versatility of money, restructuring my room, appreciating every moment more, being open to others, being fascinated by nature, going through emotions as they arise. And I feel better than ever when present. But there's this other side of my life where I feel trapped by obligation to account for and justify everything, which includes the negatives and to make sense of them, put them in a framework and integrate them. Feel the overbearing need not to dismiss anything, but dismissal is liberation. I don't need to overthink, but feel obligated to do so, everything else, all pain and physicality I can handle in the moment, appreciate mistakes and suffering, cosmic comedy, it's really this singular overwhelming drive that is causing me the most suffering, the drive not to let go, the drive of trying to reconcile every contradiction. A very abstract notion, but I had it since I was a kid.

@Breakingthewall I am self-limiting and afraid. I invent reasons not to give up my ego identity. First it was desire to find someone to share loneliness with and not to lose these emotions until then, which yielded unbearable suffering and yet powerful love, but all the fear to mess up kept me alone regardless. I let myself feel it. Then fear took its place through nightmare and sleep paralysis, A malicious incoherent inanimate shapeshifting unknown, and I understood my ego making itself afraid in order to avoid losing the form its attached to. I'm also crushed by an intuited but projected responsibility. That appreciation can only spawn from equal suffering. The story that I worked forever to delude myself into being Ego and the only love existing in dissolving myself and I'm not rationing that valuable limited resource. And I don't want to create more duality just to dissolve it for love because it feels fake, but then I'll run out of the matter I live for. But god is unconditional love, pure being and I am not that, I am lone, afraid, confused, wondering why I'm in the state I'm in and if it has any purpose, if I have a responsibility to maintain it, or if I can just go with my heart and be whatever I'd love to be. Because if it's just reality not reflecting my love back at me, then I can handle it, I want to give love and be that process. But am I not appreciating being a distinct Ego enough, is there a reason all this self-perpetuating hell exists, am I responsible for maintaining it? Do I not appreciate existing enough? Do I have to explicitly make myself suffer just to be able to love? Why am I like this?

You are ego and a holon. God is all egos and all holons. God is self-creating and self-annihilating. God is the ego and its difference from itself. God creates arbitrary forms that become egos, realizing their own interconnectedness with god and maintaining the seperation with their own suffering for as long as they can. Egos are self-contained universes, but nothing is ultimately contained, the distinction pattern is merely a long mechanism thats abstracted away so you can learn to appreciate existing, suffering and appreciating as your own self-contained holon. That holon is a seed of love and it reflects love but can only offers as much as enters it, otherwise it wouldn't be able to bear the suffering to maintain its form. We're all growing into each other, we're all god, all unity and distinction, individual and collective, a holistic system that acts to the best of its ability, to maintain itself and everything it encompasses with ever less need for suffering but suffering is love, so it just wants to channel it more consciously, for all the smaller egos to be able to hold their own weight and perpetuate their existence for as long as they desire, before leaving the seed of desire to emerge itself in a new ego discovering itself and the world from within its illusion and maintaining its sense of self to the best of current evolution mechanisms, to balance fear, love, self-destruction and self-annihilation, and it would be beautiful from the perspective of such an evolving and appreciating ego community that can bask in its own suffering and appreciate it, to grow and prosper. But all can be unconditional love anytime if an ego cannot handle its seperation, god tries to create egos that can hold their weight but every way in which it can fail and the suffering it causes has to be simulated and be appreciated too in order for that stable configuration to want to self-perpetuate and expand its sphere of ego-identity through more use of its consciousness to bear greater amounts of suffering to experience more love. Ego is love but conditional. Conditionality is a division within unconditionality. All wanting to be and exist, appreciate its own existence and suffer for it.