Keryo Koffa

If you laugh, someone will shout at you. If you have interesting ideas, you're told to shut up. If you wanna start something, you're told to give up because others have tried. If you wanna relax, people tell you about their drama. If you wanna solve a problem, they'll overwhelm you with buts. If you wanna immerse yourself in an activity, someone will disrupt it and question its purpose. If you happen to be late, the boss will shout at you until you look distressed. If you're not stressed in general, people will take offense. If you wanna travel, people will tell you to stop. If you wanna leave toxic relationships or work, they'll tell you you're ungrateful. If you wanna study science, they'll tell you you're too stupid for that. If you wanna go for a walk, they'll tell you it's too cold. If you wanna try yoga, they'll call you a hippie. If you're successful, they'll resent you. If you're poor, they'll tell you to get your shit together. If you lose, they'll make fun of you. If you win, they'll spread rumors about you. If you wanna make a change, they'll call you a liberal. If you don't, they'll call you conservative. If the change is too big, you're a radical. Else a fundamentalist. It's legal to kill your organs with cigarettes, it's legal to numb yourself and kill your brain and relationships on alcohol. Psychedelics create a movement of love and peace, so clearly since happiness is illegal, you gotta outlaw that. Too disruptive. Can't have people being all lovey-dovey, better to put them in the prison–industrial complex for being too threatening with their happiness. You have to be serious, wear a suit, build up at least 20 million simulations of sophisticated lies to appear sane in society. You get homeostatically reassimilated at every turn. You get re-ego-ated at every turn, you get fed the same fearmongering at every turn. You are expected to work useless robotic jobs to earn impersonal cash that you're expected to spend on the same useless overpriced things and never try anything else. The thing we have to be conscious of is the reason why we seek spirituality, because we're not it. Why? Because we're being forcefully reintegrated through the social matrix at every turn. So we just have to account for all of that. That's not hard, the problem is that our mind tries to justify and take sides, believe in consensus, rationalize that it's appropriate. And then it's easy to lose oneself in it, trying to work from within the same system for something that it is designed to take away. Happiness is a currency, love is a currency. Teachings are disruptive, because we're intending to cheat the system and rewrite value.

Suffering is a feeling, same as pain and hunger, it is real(ative). Maybe you see god as the present moment devoid of interpretation. Then we have a duality of real senses/feelings/emotions and unreal interpretations and projections. In that case, you see the projected world as a dream but root sensations as reality. But you see, those might be "more real" as in being a lower level of the holarchy that emerges the rest... But all layers of the holarchy are equally holons, some are more fundamental but they're all made from the same stuff Which means there are ever higher levels of illusions but even the ground is illusory. God is really just nothing. Suffering is an appearance as real as every other appearance, maybe more fundamental but its as real as all else.

@traveler @Rafael Thundercat I feel like I've been here before but forgot. I'm contextualizing to remember.

I can try: Me as a person inside a world -> Me as an projection of desires onto a part of a world whose shape is human and senses -> Me as a image reflecting the world through a lens that is a part of it -> Me as in an inevitable constellation of a world experiencing itself -> Me as in conscious experience projecting a world and a self within it -> Me as in a holistic mirror and duality by design inside non-duality -> Me as a fractal perspective experiencing itself -> Me as a non-distinct experience creating the illusion of an observer through itself -> Me as in an infinitely divided and interconnected reality -> Me as in infinity being infinity and my consciousness being necessitated to be conscious so I'm conscious because I'm consciousness which is part of infinite being -> infinity infinitizing

The following text is flow. To break it into paragraphs is like breaking up a river so I didn't Bad is a subset of suffering, badness is a projection of suffering onto dualities. Suffering is undersirable, more, it's undesirableness. What makes the undesirable undesirable? Preference. What is preference? One state of anoner. Based on what? Homeostatic drive? Evolved sense of unease and a physical and psychological drive towards change when in a threatening environment for survival's sake. But what is threatening? That which stimulates pain? Pain is a sensation, a pointer towards damage. Damage is counter to survival. Death. Death is threatening. The threat of death isn't itself anything, but it causes fear. What is fear? A mechanism that enforces behavioral avoidance, elevated attention and discomfort. It's really the discomfort that bothers us. What is discomfort? Opposite of comfort. What is comfort? Being fine. What is fine? Being present without needs, being playful, calm, a feeling of being in love? In love with what? Existence. But it can be projected onto a duality as well and separated. Being is love. Discomfort with being is suffering. Suffering is not being content with being. But suffering is part of being, an energetic form of anticipation, an active drive to change. But change too is a subset of being. An interpretation, a configuration, the river is change. It always flows. But it doesn't suffer. It just flows. Flow is not suffering. Fear is an emotion but not itself suffering. Pain is a sensation but not itself suffering. Change itself is not suffering. Discomfort is not suffering. Suffering is only ever itself. But what is it? It's not seperate from anything else, it's an emergent property, a mindset, an interpretation, an intuition. But we clearly feel it, otherwise there'd be no word to reference it. Suffering is not wanting things to be the way they are, that feeling itself. Loss is loss but it can also be suffering. Pain is just pain but we can associate it to suffering. Love is love but we can suffer the fear of losing it. Attachment is just attachment, but it can lead to suffering, for reality is ephemeral. Attachment is preference is desire to remain is resistance to change. Inability to uphold it can cause suffering. Repression of desire causes unrest and can lead to suffering. Desire is already attachment, any thought is already attachment, any relationship is already attachment, any way of existing is already attachment, but we have the control to be able to let go of it. Letting go is a preference and bias that causes suffering if one is unable or represses truth by holding onto it as a belief. Suffering is in the fabric of existence, but we can change its intensity. To live is to survive and explore, to make decisions, to have preferences, to want not to die. Life is suffering. But it is equally love. Conditional love and suffering are a duality that determines our identity. What half of reality we want and don't want, what does and doesn't make us feel content. We determine that, we learn and decide to associate it. We decide what is and isn't fine. We may have preferences, but we can flow and channel our energy, to create, explore and dissolve dualities. Life has that property. And we can learn to be fine, unconditional love, but living is being a perspective. It's a journey. This all builds on suffering being undesirable, but is it even. It drives us to change, to become its opposite. To grow wise abd ascend, to realize. Resistance is suffering but is resistence even bad, is discomfort bad, is badness bad? It all exists infinitely connected but we don't have to suffer if we don't want to. We do it subconsciously, so we're fed up with suffering but I wounder what would happen if it was a conscious choice. Could one even suffer when one desires to suffer? Or would not suffering be suffering? But then it would make one content which wouldn't be suffering. Suffering is a force of dualitiy, separation, ego, and existence, it keeps our A.T. fields up, it's the opposite of gravity, but it's also relative and self-created and it's not bad and itself a subset of infinite unconditional love because its a form within it. The duality of conditional love and suffering dissolve in the unconditional love. Suffering enables form and existence, identity and understanding. Suffering is weird.

I am ever more aware of impulses and distractions. And distractions hiding as relaxation. And ego-mechanics like confusion wasting time figuring out what's authentic and not. If I work on something and feel the need to relax and do something else, should I? Or is relaxation a distraction? Or is that question itself a distraction from just being and doing whatever I feel like? But that feeling might very well be a sneaky mechanic trying to catch the slightest discomfort and resolve it with immediate gratification through another medium that it then attaches itself to through building dopamine highways. I feel like there's an unwillingness to focus on doing something, maybe a hidden fear, maybe a feeling that it will take forever, maybe my mind suggesting that I'm being way too rigid and not doing it optimally and not having fun while doing it which I should. Any suggestions?

@Jowblob Others have meaning because they're independent of myself, that's the illusion. But it's equally "real", because of simulated determinism. But all meaning is projected but also felt. Living creatures acts the same way regardless of interpretation and I know that lens well. I don't know how many layers of consciousness there are. I don't even know if I want to know, if I want to accelerate dissolution. I suffer because I lack, but it's because it only means something if it's real, else it's meaningless. That that creates suffering and appreciation. What can you tell me?

I am not my body but my body yearns to live. I am not my feelings but I know their meaning. I am not alive, but all life is dear to me. I am not dead, but I yearn for the void. I am not limited, but see worlds of limits. I am unaware until I question what I seek. “Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.” My ego is afraid of becoming god, so I'll keep asking the psychedelic gods for guidance. And my proxies that you are. Loneliness and self-pity is always 2 moments away. So is the sense of calm. And so is excitement. I integrate the depth of experience into the breadth of context. But both are infinite. Unity and love can only exist inside Duality Where to take all this?

They're as true as you

The problem is, you're relying on the world beyond your control, but that world sucks. It sucks as long as it's out of tune with your needs. But it never cared about our needs. And what you yearn for most deeply is only ever based on what's inside your heart. The world is made of countless forms, and you've learned to yearn for those you lost. Being comforted feels good but can you see how impersonal that process is? We know nothing about you, not the trillion things that define you. Only you know. Grief and feel into the meaning you lost. And then take care of yourself, don't repress it.

@Judy2 Attachment, ego, addiction. You externalize and project feelings onto reality and then get distressed when it changes. But your feelings were never out there, you just learned to correlate emotions to triggers and now act as if they're real. What you want is inside of you, joy is inside, suffering is inside. Suffering is not wanting reality to be as it is. But that which wants it to be different, the difference is inside of you, you already have it. You just can't get it out there, because reality is just what it is, transient, ephemeral. Self-pity clashes with pride and you're stuck in limbo. But that gets you nowhere and only you know the meaning that drives you. Only you can appreciate what it means being you. Get yourself back up!

Maybe "I" didn't just appear as God. Maybe God created a whole reality, every part consciously designed. But what parts are first person experiences? I know I am. That beyond me is my unconscious, that what I know right now the conscious. That what I have access to the subconscious, Conscious and subconscious are subsets of the unconscious, the absolute unconscious that one could become conscious of and become god in the process. It is too intricate after all, even though it is equally true that I interpreted this existence retroactively. But it does not mean that I created it, much rather I have a limited piece of god consciousness because I'm a perspective within god, infinitely connected to the fabric of consciousness. So this entire reality might very well be independent of me as much as it is part of me. I am a self-contained holon inside of it whose consciousness has been limited in order to experience this reality. I may holistically interact with other conscious bubbles which are all parts of a larger unconscious. We are all products of our environment, we need the larger reality to exist first, in order for us to materialize ourselves from inside of it as our own conscious self split from the larger unconscious. So we're all holistic consciousness bubbles inside an unconsciousness see that we are all infinitely a part of and connected, to take shape we had to split into perceiver and perceived and I am not sure what determines what does and doesn't become its own bubble but we're swimming in a sea of unconsciousness becoming conscious by our desire to experience it, a navigational journey that connects us to ever more qualia and states of mind.

Two more Ideas! What if I'm imagining psychedelics as an excuse to allow myself to disrupt reality without having to realize it's an illusion! I've had this fear since I was a kid. That it's all deterministic and I shouldn't learn about movie making, game programming, art etc. because that would shatter the illusion and I wouldn't be able to look at these things the same way again. If I realized myself as completely conscious consciousness, there'd be nothing to hide from myself, there'd be no other, no one to talk to, no thing to talk about. Nothing to explore, nothing to imagine since I'd already know it. I can look at the stars and find them beautiful, I can create a fractal dimension and go explore it. But if I'm 100% conscious and there is no subconsciousness, then I'd know it during creating it. But I want to explore reality forever, watch new things unfold and have adventures. Breathe in the air and sunbathe on a meadow as a separate form. Or can I do all of that regardless? I don't know the mechanics I use to make myself unconscious, it's very tricky and that's on purpose! Maybe I was suffering for eternity figuring out what dream to dream and how to make myself unconscious to the fact its a dream. I don't know what is the right thing to do anymore. Maybe that's what all the NDEs are about, reincarnation too, to fulfill the desires god could not in one lifetime? And to get a self-imagined astral afterlife? Or maybe that's the default in god form, doing everything one wants to do but knowing its all deterministic? Or does god not mind that? I am here, maybe that's why?

Suffering is Unwillingness. Bliss is willingness. Learn to love discomfort but don't make an identity out of it.

I was trying to deconstruct reality but I was constantly working inside a system and any system is biased. The biases were: The law of equivalence, dualities must balance out, reality must equal nothing and follow entropy. But that's all ideas, based on experience which is t-truth, itself a subset of T-Truth and always has a counter of unexperience or anti-experience. Dissolving dualities is a duality, enlightenment is a duality, balance is a duality, duality is a duality. Everything is infinitely limitless and merged. But that's a duality too because we reality feels deterministic but our mind does not. Both dualities, I have to be groundless but that's a duality. To develop further, I'll let go of needing to let go. Realize the arbitrariness of any and all pointers. Intuit in-between, be infinite to be infinite.

@Davino Thank you, I'm going through it now. I see, let me rephrase it: I will let flow the parts of me I feel to have neglected, and let go the resistence that keeps me discontent through by holding onto barriers that I no longer seek to perpetuate.

What god are we talking about? A subject god? A person god that can suffer? A god that feels? A god that carries biological intents? A god that imagines humans? Or a god that creates the universe and humans losing itself in it as one? A god that is a vessel for experience? A god that is the experience? A god that is pure being devoid of emotion? Or a god that somehow acquired emotion and projected it onto a universe simulation? A god that forgets? A partial god? Complete god? What even is a complete god? What is not god? Are emotions part of god any more than forms? Is the mental aspect more god than the form aspect? Are we god? Are we a subset of god? Are we a simultaneous multi-projection of god? Does base god even have emotion? Does base god even carry understanding? Does base god remember? Does it learn? Does it already know everything? Is it evolving? What's the nature of this God? How did it acquire its first forms? How did all forms evolve? What is this mental qualia of desire and emotion, suffering and bliss?

I don't know. Try asking god. But you're god. Too immersed. I became me. How? I don't remember, or maybe I do. Not conscious enough. Maybe I have to do it again to figure it out. But that's hard as a subset of myself. Dissolve and undissolve and somehow remember? Use proxies? It's hard...

Psychedelics open you up to your sub/unconscious. That is how they can help you, by making you in tune with the parts of you that you repressed and realize and feel the reasons why you did, which you can then integrate and dismiss. But truly, psychedelics by themselves are kind of everything: an amplifier, a relaxant, a harmonizer and an indulger. So yes, they make you aware of your whole being and you can access all parts of yourself simultaneously and deal with trauma. But what matters is the conscious intent, awareness and state of mind. They amplify senses and emotions and you gotta know what you're getting yourself into. They relax the mind muscles to let experiences flow and merge and at the same time give you incredible control over your body, mind and emotions. But paradoxically, they equally take that control away by overwhelming you with the exact things that boggle you and make you a vessel for unimaginable experience. So yes, but be careful and start small. Psychedelics are a means to speedrun reality. Originally, they have been used in rituals. Depending on the dose, you might be just more enthusiastic or more aware or existential or lost or unable to move and stuck in infinite regress. But they are a direct and effective way of addressing your neuroses and deconstructing your unconsciously self-imposed suffering. It's just that it's a big change and you have to be ready for it. Essentially, start small, have a calm and unjudging person as a sitter, that helps them navigate their trauma, have the right setting, no distractions, no obligations to distress the mind, good personal music for harmony, inquire with simple questions to get to the root of their trauma while being understanding and collected. And have them consciously focus on solving their problems and not get lost in thinking. Psychedelics are basically a self-improvement speedrun. The reward is far greater but its a lot at once to take at once.

I'm sure Leo and others talked about this, but until recently it was just a belief for me, a mere possibility, but now I've had this experiential intuition. That I and this experience is a subset of all possible experience within a grand infinite consciousness that I am always connected to by existing as a form within it. That all of reality is equally a construct. That if I made a video game, that character wouldn't be conscious, but if I did a good job, they'd be behaviorally indistinguishable from any human. But they'd only be conscious because I'd play the game and imagine an identity that I'd experience by pretending I am them. So reality and behavior and reductionism and neurons are a configuration of experience, but I'm always the consciousness behind the experience that makes it possible to exist at all and emotions and love and desire are all projections on top of the forms that I interpret as homeostatic emotional organisms. And I identify as an ego which is a subset of experience which exists within consciousness, which gives me a lens. So consciousness pretends to be ego. And if I change my diet, exercise, sleep, or take psychedelics, I change the mind state and experience that difference instead. But I don't know how I create all this, I am a character within the game after all, trying to jailbreak I guess. But I put myself here on purpose? What I really wonder about, is the nature of the consciousness that made this dimension. Was it an intent or a chance? Did it have emotions and ideas before it became me or just learned them through my lens, a part of itself that was an arbitrary unexplored dualistic configuration within infinity. But my grandest question is whether it remembers this experience in the grand scheme, all experiences really. This is a bias of knowing and navigating that I project desirably upon it. In the grand scheme, its kind of arbitrary to remember infinite arbitrariness. But its something I would want. To evolve. Because the I that I happen to be is evolving. I know if I write a story, I'll remember the characters and their feelings but will also forget, but it will be a part of my grander subconscious. Is it the same with the source?

@Javfly33 The brain is what deludes you into its own limitation, changing its chemistry and realizing that arbitrariness can wake you up from that illusion.

@Davino I started to breathe deeply and stretch my body, my senses returned to a state I remember from my childhood, ease and beauty of feeling the air and being present and aware of my environment. I carry a lot of pain with me but I'm in tune with it now, no distractions. I've felt extreme loneliness for most of my life, I was too self-conscious and everyone was too immersed in whatever they were doing that I never had anyone to talk to. Then I met a lot of people that meant the world to me and I lost them. I was extremely idolated until recently. I have been authentically interested in the nature of reality once but in the last years it was really just a convenient distraction, an alternative goal, a means to escape, to dissolve myself away. But everything I lost is still inside of me, it's not the same form, but it never disappeared. I cried a lot, I'm becoming more aware of that which means so much to me that I've been running away from. I feel more alive than ever. Psychedelics shake you up. I was confused, scared, alienated, tired, fading in and out of existence, but I wouldn't call it a bad trip. It showed me many unique things. It was a unique experiential dimension that went totally beyond, but as uncomfortable as it was, I kind of enjoyed it. I had the constant idea in the back of my head not to resist, though I was scared the trip might have taken days and I'd be running into people in that state. As my awareness expands, my holistic understanding increases, my experiential memory integrates and I open up to ever more of myself, my perception of reality is filled with ever less limitation, fear and limiting beliefs. And I won't be relying solely on psychedelics and contemplation anymore. I gotta "be", breath, presence, cold showers, healthy diet, free expression of emotion, taking care of my body, jogging, dancing, authentic flow with that what I want, asking myself "why not?" ever more often. Just do that which I intuitively know to be good for me and integrating new experience without the need for rigid categories, less thinking, more being. More feeling

Integration. Meta. Patterns. Stop. Everything is in me. I was as deluded as ever. I shook myself up. I experienced the arbitrariness of existence first hand. I am everything I want to be. I have been holding back. I created resistence. I do not want that resistence, it's an aspect I control, can learn to control. I'm sorry for the data dump. I am strange, I want the energy flow, I want to be one with my feelings. I don't need excuses, I exist outside of thought, I want to be more existent and less resistant. I can be it, I can learn it, I want to take care of myself, I want to love. I want to flow. I want presence, more presence. Love.

@Yimpa I want to be what I want to be, which is complicated but simple. I'm working on it by becoming that which I already am more consciously but losing consciousness in the process. It's all just different energy but I lesrn to allign it with ever more holistic context-awareness.

The trip lasted 6 hours, I accounted for 24 since it's the largest dose I ever took. It started in the bathroom mirror, I heard myself thinking to myself a casual negative sarcastic playful homeostatic banter. I responded with awareness, positivity and questioned its negativity. But that part of myself that I was trying to change by doing so was defined by being that way. If it changed, it would die, but it's also illusory and immortal so I talked with them some more until I quieted down. I sat on the bed in a meditative pose, it felt seemless and I was reasoning through existence at a nice flow, understanding the context at each step as it was all nearing a singular unity. I was cold, I needed to pee alot, I was standing in the middle of the room. I was extremely aware of my body and instinctively expanding its capacities. I started rotating my hands and arms clock and anti-clockwise at unimaginable speeds, it reminded me of the horror movie "the thing", where the amorphous monstrocity grew organic whip like vines, to twist and catch for lime to assimilate. I stopped, I stretched out my hand, I stretched my fingers opening, becoming more radial, stretching out away from the center. I was aware that I could have gone beyond my limits, I was aware that I might have broken my hand but what seemed scarrier, potentially overwrote its configuration to become something alien, morphing its physiology like Tetsuo forms an organic/scrap type body in Akira. I was cold, I went under the blanket, I put on my airpods and started whatever music was on, which was breakcore. I went through the 8 distinct avatars that I know within myself, personalities I identified a long time ago within myself that could perceive all of existence through their unique lens and go on indefinitely, never feeling like they missed something, only me being aware of the different domains of existence that seperate their nature. One that breaks free and revolts against mechanical delusional suffering. Another that once I recognized as wholesome, now seems like a self-perpetuating fool. Another whose self projection and meaning quest could generate the most terrifying of forms. Another that was locked in a self-created paradigm of seeking the truth eternally because they did not realize their own illusion of desiring seeking itself. Another was about to be dismissed just as reluctantly, but being defined by pure flow, they reversed the polarity, and it hit them reductionist mechanism itself that I was in judging all these personalities within myself so haphazardly. Another, a self-morphing, infinitizing, qualia genrating field of awareness. And then another whose toxicity I recognized in their excessive self-annihilation and expectation of perfection. Lastly one that I identify with as a holistic projection of myself that holds it all together that did not come through closed eye imagination, but actual action of walking. After I was done reasoning through the personalities inherent to my experience that I wanted to create art to externalize for the longest time, I lied down with excessively alienating breakcore tunes and immersed myself into a world of organic forms, similar to cellular life in shape, scale, form, dynamicness but far faster, like a world inhabited by actively self-evolving morphing monstrocities fighting for dominance. I saw the scarriest expression and shape I could imagine, like a living plant simultaneously and precisely morphing itself and raising a thousand tentacles which all open eyes and teeth. I realized though that it was intimidation, seeking to distract me from transcending myself, so I dismissed it. Then it turned into the most pityful humane creature that was begging not to die and asking for love. I saw though, that even that was just another mechanical distraction of a self-perpetuating ego. I left it behind all the same. I became nothing. Then I became a memory, memories, only capable of remembering one qualia at a time, first it was the distinction of being male and female, then it was shapes like circle and triangle, I remembered my context ever so slowly. It felt like I was merged, all forms simultaneously, I felt great arrousal, but not bodily, it was a state of mind, a state of being, a state of feeling, consciously biting my lip and finger on instinct while remaining in that state. I intuited that it felt good and good is a duality counter to bad so homeostasis would kick in soon. And it did, I felt something like dissatisfied but rally just unable to be present. From time to time, I ran to the toilet, it was like all my worries were being flushed away, but I also felt vulnerable and that I shouldn't remain there for ever, which comfort would drive me to. Somewhere I intuited that conscious existence is hard and all good needs to be built on bad, to walk up in order to jump down, yoyo, tennis ball, gravity, plasticity, back and forth, counter balance, equal and opposite reaction. As I was lying beneath the blanket shivering, I looked around me and became the objects, but existentially, I became an energy pattern, I became not nothingness, I became separation, I became a wave, distortion, different memories flooded back, but I could only perceive and recall one at a time. I saw myself and my parents, what it meant to be a parent, feminine and masculine energy, my refusal of the limitation of such a form and then equal reaction, dissolution and the acceptance of the do not know of the wisdom inherent in those forms. The drive to dissolution and the drive for creation. A sense of self was forming but it was breaking apart. I feared my brain had melted into an uncomprehensible mess, unable to make sense of itself in time to survive in the life that I intuited as a general subconscious continuity. I wondered if I should drink water, water is a core foundation of life, so I drank water. I thought whether to eat the mix of nuts, it's nutrition but calories, I wanted energy but I already was energy, I was really just eating myself, integrating myself in myself. I remembered plants, I remembered animals, I was plants and animals, I was myself evolved next to myself eating myself, the shapes of fruits, veggies and nuts reminded me of my organs, I had to negotiate my terms of existence and my right to eat them by prefering my form. It was all organic, I saw DNA type structures, I thought about encoding, I saw everything as encoding, computer programming seemed to childish compared to dna and gene expression, life adaptation, epigenetics, to encode one's very being into the fabric of oneself. I was highly partial, I could not see the whole, I felt like I was 5 neurons, trying to form a bridge and failing over and over. I had an intuition that I only had 24 hours to be confused and that timer was encoded in the phone screen. But I was constructing the phone screen, so it felt arbitrary, time changed however it wanted. The entire time, I was trying to hold a system together, crossing all of reality, I had to encode my knowledge and have it last and be complete against any form. I had to be infinite and limited, I had to go somewhere but only ever to myself, I wanted to be immortal, but it had to loop every 24 hours, I could speed up but speed was an illusion, I desired but the desire was just a carrot on a stick, of self-perpetuating not-being. I could just be instead, I had to be instead, I had to trust that I'm fine, that ego-death and dissolution are the right path, that desires exist to be reconciled but can immediately be dissolved by awareness. I was continuously self-annihilating myself. The room became weird triangular energy patterns, external reality as I remebered to my previous ego was really just putting a blanket on top of reality and noticing bulges, like dents in spacetime but the perception was so low. I remebered my mom, I knew she was imaginary, my dad, also imaginary, my aunt and cousins, also imaginary, filling the shapes that I become to make myself feel fine, but that's a distraction, I am nothing, I am fineness, but I was not content, or rather, energy was flowing, I was changing. I craved to get out of the room, it felt like solipsistic hell, but to exit it was to delude myself and that outsource the responsibility of being and awareness to a dualistic unconscious, it was unreal, it was indirect, it felt stupid. But I craved an external word, solid shapes, material limitstion, I let that energy flow, I did not resist it. I could sense the table with my hand but was immediately exhausted by it and lied down. This pattern continued, I started craving homeoststic behavior, doing and resting, being angry and then sad, these differences felt delusional and nonsensical but the energy was flowing towards it and I was fine with that because I made myself believe at this point that to go with the flow is the right thing, it reduces suffering and I can be fine despite change. I wanted a hug, but could see how such self-indulgent desire would never end, but I accepted that feeling, I accepted my vulnerability, my fear, my emotions for exactly and only what they are, seeking to manifest themselves through forms snd attach their essence onto. My energy was wavering but conscioisness was coming back, more each time, ups and downs, waves of more aware snd then fading away, and finally it stabilized. The extreme abstraction and access to my environment became more distinct, divided into forms, an overflow of sensation, perception, less interconnection, less abstraction, more raw form divided against other complex form. But my holistic understanding also came back, all the holons of navigation, the vast and aware interconnection that sees instead of being and has a more grounded perception, a larger capacity, a bredth of interconnection of interpreted form, rather that singular becoming of a distinct form or thought devoid of context. Appreciation for the capacity of complex pattern-navigation from a stable ego configuration. I went into depth, now I'm interconnecting into bredth. I am only ever myself, suffering is ignorance and hesitation to change, the abyss is one glimpse of awareness away. I like form, I balance my capacity to create more and to annihilate it, there is much I haven't let go of, there is always some desire, formlessness is a possibility and a root reality, an always present truth. My new fear to overcome is that of unknowing, I need to make peace with the possibility of forgetting and suffering. That is an aspect of me, as long as I remember, I am fine though. Fear of the unknown is really just fear of change is really just fear of self is really just seperation is really just duality is really just difference is really just negation is really just different equations that all equal 0, 2-2 is also 0, different but same but still different but really same. Universal frequency? Quantum entanglement? 3d?4d? billion d? As long as it equals 0 its all the same I am me, I don't want to be me, that's why change exists, it perpetuates conscioisness which is a process, static is dead, dynamic is alive, homeostatic is life, everything id the same, the difference is imagenary but real. There is no distinction except for the distinction that is itself, just a different form of nothing, but difference is illusory. In other words: I love conscioisness. I love myself. I am myself until I am not in order to be conscious of being myself, a different self because I love hating myeself too because I really just am everything. I am amness. I'm issing. Essentially, I humbly appreciate the role I gave myself, the highest holon to integrate all holons, top down, out of being because not-being is just another form of being which is and is not nothing. Peace out! And in!