Vali2003

I feel it would be powerful to talk about what precisely scares me so much here. But also, I’m really frightened to speak about it. I’d have to face my demons. That’s what would make it powerful, I guess.

I’m feeling anxious this evening. I spent all day doing stuff. Not spending a lot of time outside, or doing physical activity. But I’m not anxious because of that — at least not for the main part. It’s more because of the dopamine detox, I have a social media addiction after all. I strongly feel the urge to look at the sub forums here, or just open my laptop and turn on an episode of Modern Family or some other sitcom. Not to be dramatic, but it feels like I need it to survive. It’s not the most kick in the nuts kind of fear. It’s more steady, and fed by lack of social media or the quick dopamine hit to shut it off, within the next hours.

I stopped doing CS50 . I know I said I’ll definitely continue with it, but I knew already that I’ll talk myself into stopping. I think it was the right decision, however. I had already put some 30 hours into the course and my understanding of what programming entails is a lot better now than it was at the beginning. Of course, it would be even better, and more accurate had I continued for 5-6 more weeks. But the effort for the, likely marginal, gain seemed disproportionate. I gained valuable experience through doing this. But I’m really happy to focus on my business again. I just had this sensation, like nothing more was to gain for me by continuing. David Deida describes this nicely in his The Way of the Superior Man: “Among signs of fulfilling or completing a layer of purpose are these: You suddenly have no interest in a project or mission that, just previously, motivated you highly. You feel surprisingly free of any regrets whatsoever, for starting the project or ending it. […]” Both point one and point two ring true in my case. I’m happy I started it. And free of regret for having ended it. I feel I know, being a programmer is not my biggest passion, but still, I developed some interest for it. And I could imagine myself learning further skills if they’d be useful in a concrete case. Is there some doubt about stopping? Honestly, yes, there is. Just a little though, in the background. I think I’ll always have that when I stop with anything. Knowing when I stop with something genuinely, because I think it’s smarter vs. because I’m deceiving myself, is not one of my strengths. That’s for sure. Good quitting is a skill I’ll need to develop. I think this is due to my frequent school skipping, which I did as a kid/early teenager. I’d lie to my mom about being sick and then I never knew when it was actually legitimate to stay home sick. I always felt like I was lying to my mom, even if I was actually doing bad. It’s the same now. I’m always gonna feel this slight doubt. At least for now.

Here’s a counterintuitive thing that helps with productivity that I struggle with: Nor having any work-related, stimulating or stressful thoughts 1 hour before going to bed. Examples from my life: Thinking about how I’ll find a mentor for my online business Thinking about what kind of design I’ll do for my bedroom Thinking about how I’ll achieve anything I ever want Thinking about work I have to do tomorrow I have these thoughts, because it feels like I’m being productive. But really, it just leaves me too stimulated to sleep and therefore I’ll go to bed later. For me, sleeping early is really counterintuitive all together. Maybe it’s just a force of habit.

I have tinnitus as a result of upper back/neck tension and I think I’ve found one of the most potent stretches for releasing tension in that area (my mom showed it to me, but I’ll take credit for trying it ). I want to share it, because I think it’s quite cool. It’s a bit difficult however and you need good body-control to do it safely. You start in this position: Then, while keeping the legs straight, you move towards this position: Obviously, you have to be incredibly flexible to get your legs as low as in this picture. But that’s not what counts. Just try to get your legs in that direction. But be gentle. Only go so far until you feel a light stretch. When you’re more comfortable there, you can progress. If your body control is more limited you can try bending your knees. It will give you more control and the stretch still works. This is the best stretch I’ve ever found for the upper back.

I also realized that I can’t sacrifice everything at once to be able to work harder. I’ll need to go bit by bit so I don’t burn out. Here’s a list of all the things I could sacrifice to be able to work harder: Cooking nice food It takes a lot of time to cook, which I could also use for working. Spending time with friends, watching basketball/football (soccer) matches together Costs time of course and fucks with my sleep rhythm. Especially the NBA matches disturb my sleep rhythm as they’re in the middle of the night over here in Germany. But even some football matches — especially Champions League — are too late to suit my optimal sleep rhythm. Browsing the actualized-forum a lot I could replace late basketball practices with gym, because it’s more flexible This one would be super tough for me. Movement is one of my highest values. And going to the gym just doesn’t satisfy this need for dynamic movement within me. I don’t think I’ll sacrifice this. It would cost too much. Taking the bike or bus instead of walking I love my walks. I average about 9000 steps per day. I walk pretty much everywhere I go. It helps my sleep and is good for my health. However, I also spend a lot of time doing it. But man… I really dislike the motion of riding a bicycle. It’s so effortful compared to walking and unathletic compared to running. Sorry to all the cyclists 🚴 😌 Wasting time with social media. For me, it’s YT-shorts, the actualized-forum (although I’d like to think it isn’t wasted, but still), listening to podcasts, YT-Videos. Realistically, this is by far the biggest time-consumer in my day to day. This is what I should focus on the most. It mostly doesn’t serve any of my values, stresses me unnecessarily, and wastes by far the most time. The other things are actually important to me. This really isn’t. It’s just an addiction. If I got this under control, I’ll focus more on the rest if it’s necessary. Sacrificing will be tough. But it’s necessary if I successfully want to build a business while also getting a degree.

It’s a bit tough right now. I’m currently doing a three day social media detox (except for writing here) and all the emptiness, that usually accompanies leaving the comfortable and known, is reaching my nervous system that’s finally catching a break from the constant stimulation. I’m also second-guessing if it was such a good idea to move together with my only real friend here in this city. I’ll find out. Just feeling a tad lonely at the moment.

My sleep has been pretty consistent btw. I wake up at 7.45AM in the morning and try to sleep at 23.15PM. I will slowly transition to 7.00AM wake-up time and 22.30PM bedtime. I’d also like to wake up even earlier — because it guarantees me undisturbed work time — but I’m uncertain if it’s realistic. We’ll see how it goes.

First thing I gotta do is get my room set up though. I need to purchase some things, and think how I’ll design it etc. This is the basis for effective work and routines. So that is my acute priority right now. I’ll try to work my ass off the next days so this “in between” phase of moving, wears off as quickly as possible.

I realized I need to find a mentor for my online business. I’ve been trying to learn everything from scratch. And while I think I could succeed that way, it’s just horribly ineffective. It won’t be easy to find them, but I’m committed and I’ll find a way. There’s a lot of stuff related to this that I’ll have to figure out: Like, how much will I pay them? Where will I get that money from? How can I use their time effectively? How do I know who is a good mentor? Stuff like that… I’ll get there.

I’ve grown to like the habit of writing in this journal. I’m glad I started. I’ve moved all my stuff to the new apartment now. It’s always feels a bit weird at the beginning of living somewhere new. It feels like you’re visiting somebody, but don’t have a place (home) to go back to. But it will normalize again very soon. Even though I spent most of the day still moving my stuff, I did CS50. I sacked my evening basketball practice in order to be able to do it. It hurt, but was important. I must prove to myself now, through aligned action, that developing a strong work-ethic truly is my top priority. It starts with small decisions like that.

good night

Obviously I don’t always have this state in crucial moments. Sometimes I mess up mightily. But yet, I feel that there’s something more to them. It’s worth uncovering what exactly triggers it and puts me into this flow state.

Anytime I have to get tasks done like moving now, for example, I tap into the state of infinite requisite variety. I didn’t have shit planned out today. Most people would say I was way too poorly prepared. They wouldn’t be wrong. But I had infinite requisite variety. I knew I’d figure it out. If the bike didn’t work out, I would’ve carried my moving boxes by hand. It wouldn’t have mattered how long it took. I was willing to deal with it. This is one of the best — and maybe closest to my Zone of Genius, actually — states that I can tap into. It happens when something just has to get done. If I have to succeed at something, infinite requisite variety gets set free. Have to catch a plane? Have to spontaneously present some project that I didn’t expect I’d have to present? Have to find exactly the right words in a moment my girlfriend really needs it? Weirdly, I thrive in those moments. I not only succeed most of the times, but I actually find it enjoyable. I need to contemplate this. Get to the essence of it. Also, I realize that this is exactly the state I need to succeed in business and with LP.

I transported my moving boxes and other stuff with a public cargo-bike that you can rent for little money. It’s only about a five minute bike-ride, so I just went back & forth until all my stuff was over there. At one point the police stopped me. I drove up a small hill with cobbled streets. It was like my fourth way over there. I had already figured out that it’s less noisy if I drive on the left side of the street since it was more even there. But in Germany there’s something called “Rechtsfahrgebot.” It just means you must drive on the right side of the road. Anyways… the cops slowly pulled up next to me with the window rolled down. Apparently I didn’t hear them calling, because I listened to music . I was in a really cheesy mood and chatted with them for a bit. I felt weirdly confident. I told them I’m only driving on this side, because I’m trying not to be noisy. They then said that I could get a ticket for listening to music, because I couldn’t hear them. But I knew I wouldn’t get a ticket. My state was amazing. I was so confident, I felt like the cops were in my frame as opposed to me being in theirs. Sometimes, in situations like this I can be quite charming. This is one of my strengths, even though I’m actually pretty introverted.

It’s the last night in my current shared flat. All my stuff is already in the other apartment, except for my blanket, pillow and phone charger. I’m really happy to be moving. In a new place, it will be easier to change my identity. Become a person that’s laser-focused on realizing their LP and escaping Wage Slavery. And we’ll have a dishwasher…lol Doing CS50 was really tough today. Especially since I had so much to do with the move. My mind tries to convince me that I don’t have to do continue doing it anymore. And that it would be smarter to go back to working on my business only. And I think it likely is smarter… But I would have this lingering regret if I stopped now. I’d feel like I failed.

One advantage of winter: I can make my room really cold at night to improve my sleep quality..

Ahh here’s the insight I actually wanted to post previously but that didn’t come to mind. It kinda came through Leo’s Truth is the highest priority video. But… two weeks delayed. I’ve realized what living by your values means. It sometimes means to sacrifice what feels good in the moment for living more in accord with your values. For example, it may feel bad to tell my roommate that I won’t watch Netflix with him because I’m working on my craft, but Excellence is a higher priority of mine than Connection and therefore I do that. Basically, I just realized the foolishness of doing what feels hedonistically good (comfortable), in the moment, rather than living principled. Feels good.

Ah… I’m likely not going to do Computer Science. One large reason for doing it would be the job security, and I’ve realized, that’s not even given in the current job market. And, it’s impossible to know anyways which sectors will do good in three years and which will do bad. Therefore choosing solely based on this, is a foolish idea. I will complete CS50 until I’ve finished Problem Set 5 regardless. I made a clear decision and need to honor that now. Maybe I’ll fall in love with CS. Then I’ll do it regardless of the job-market, not because of it.

I had a couple of insights recently. That any problem I encounter can be solved if I only have enough requisite variety. That, even if you don’t know what to do exactly, as long as you build the habit of working as hard (and smart) as you can, you will reap life’s benefits. https://www.actualized.org/insights/requisite-variety-and-creative-laziness This is a blog-video by Leo about requisite variety. It’s quite amazing, and I think one of his hidden gems.

Also it breaks routine. I go out, I eat later than I usually do, sleep later, sleep worse than I usually do, wake up later, fry my brain more with YT-shorts and don’t read/journal before sleeping. This is all bearable, but still they are slight annoyances that inhibit momentum-building and make me appreciate solitude.

The last two days have been super busy with my brother visiting and me moving. I broke my streak yesterday. Not having programmed and contemplated. I’m happy my brother came to visit me but there’s always an annoying element in having to spent entire days with someone. And I’d feel like an ass saying: “Hey, thanks you came to visit me, taking the train for four hours only staying for one day basically, but I don’t want to miss a day of my programming, so could you just leave me alone for two hours?” But that’s only a problem for me because I identify with not being my ass and being liked by everybody. I’ll have to sacrifice control. I’ll have to accept that people will see me as an ass now and then.

Totally agree on letting the body do what it wants to do on its own in things like sprinting, basketball, powerlifting. Bodybuilding is a bit of an exception there, I think. Assuming you want to maximize hypertrophy it can be beneficial to control it more. But we went over that -- it depends on your goals with it. I agree also on athletes at the highest level being able to access flow-state better than the rest. However, if I understand flow state correctly, it happens when skill level meets the challenge. The highest level of athletes primarily access this more often, as a result of their higher skill level, compared to the rest. Not because they are mysteriously better at tapping into flow-state. The higher level of skill is a direct function of greater fascial stiffness throughout their entire body. Higher fascial stiffness changes the way energy is distributed throughout the body fundamentally. While a person with lower fascial stiffness will be quad/lower back dominant, a person with high fascial stiffness is glutes/abs dominant. This is just the way the fascial tensegrity network distributes energy at a higher level of stiffness. The difference of athletic potential between these two is enormous. I know this from direct experience.

Talking openly with friends about what troubles you right now is counterintuitive but invaluable.

I’m working through the Ultimate Guide for Dealing with Fear two-part series by Leo right now, hoping to resolve some of my career-related fears. Maybe it will help me see more clearly. Here they are: Fear of ending up like my mom (explanation: my mom is a very intelligent person, who was ambitious as a kid coming from an immigrant family. However, she got her first kid — my oldest brother — when she was just 24. She dropped out of her degree and became full-time mom. My parents divorced like a decade ago and now she’s alone after all of us moved out. Obviously job-market was a bitch for her, and she works as a secretary now, her self-esteem is seriously damaged through this, and she regrets never having had a "proper" career of her own.) Fear of failing at career and getting a shit job, like working at Starbucks, Burger King, Aldi cashier... Fear of falling short of all my life-goals Fear of my father seeing me as a failure or as stupid Fear of my siblings seeing me as a failure Fear of being broke compared to my siblings Fear of being seen as a failure in general Fear of being inadequate (big one) Fear of being seen as a loser Fear of being seen as stupid Fear of failing and standing there with nothing Fear of being a person who always has big ambitions, but never puts them to work/realizes them The common theme among them is shame. I'd feel ashamed for doing something my father sees as stupid, I'd feel ashamed for being poorer than my siblings, I'd be ashamed at standing there with nothing, I'd be ashamed at being stupid.