Vali2003

The funny thing is, I had all the time in the world to experiment and discover my LP (or something close to it) in the last two years. However, I wasn’t mature enough to really see and understand how I would do that. I see it now, though, and the hindsight stings. However, I’m doing the right things now. I’m slowly, but steadily building the strongest work-ethic I can. And I experiment.

I want to discover my LP, so badly. I want to love life to its fullest, so badly. I want to create the most beautiful thing I can, so badly.

Here’s an insight I had while playing basketball: I was doing a skills-workout, and the goal of my current exercise was to hit 9/10 jump shots on the left wing and 9/10 on the right. If you got that, you could move on to the next level. I really wanted to get it. It was probably the third or fourth time doing the exercise and it’s generally pretty hard I’d say to hit 9/10 consecutively on each side, but I had already gotten close the previous time. I had hit 10/10 on the right side, and then absolutely shit the bed on the left side and hit like 6/10. I have a tendency to choke in those moments when the pressure rises in little exercises like these (ironically more than in real games). Ok, now I did it again. One more time, I hit 10/10 on the right side. Left side also went well, I was 7/7 so far. “Just don’t piss yourself now” I thought. And I noticed that I slid into that same frame of mind as the last time. But then I realized, if I’m ever gonna not choke, then there’ll be a moment where I just have to do it. And that moment has to be in the Now. Cause I noticed then and there that I always lose concentration in such moments. And it was the realization that all I need to do is focus and that I need to break through it Now! I also hit 10/10 there and move on to the next level. The point is, some things that we want to learn are always in the future, but we’ll never learn them in the future. They have to happen Now. Sorry if this is a bit off topic. Let me know if you’d like me to post exclusively career-related stuff here, as that’s what I say in the first post.

Peter Ralston is really badass

One big insight I got through reading some Peter Ralston is that the fastest way to learn how to do something is just by trying to do it. There’s a barrier in us to do that, though. Especially if there’s some ambiguity as to how that’s possible. But exactly then do we need actual experience to refine our understanding of what we’re dealing with. For example: I wanted to do some sprint training. And I didn’t know how you do sprint training since I’ve literally never done it before in my life. So I did a quick GPT5 research for sprint training best practices. It was basically “sprint at 90-100% max intent for 20-30 seconds and then jog slowly or walk for 3-4 minutes and repeat 3-4 times.” I didn’t feel satisfied at all by that explanation. I didn’t feel well-prepared going out to do the training, but I did it anyways. Going out and doing it, I learned so much about sprint-training, so that I’d now feel pretty well-prepared if I went to do it again. I learned, just from doing it one time that I tend to go too intense, that I definitely need water, that I need to bring my fitness watch for a timer, that I need to warm up pretty intensively. Of course, I could know all of those things without the experience. But I wouldn’t know them. The satisfaction and confidence that we search from reading about how something works is not in the researching, it’s in the doing. You best learn how to contemplate by contemplating, you best learn how to write beautifully by trying to write beautifully, you best learn how to relax your body by relaxing your body, you best learn how to jump by jumping. The more abstract and wishy washy the thing we’re learning is the longer we tend to want to stay in the process of researching. Confronting the imperfection of not being able to do something properly is really uncomfortable. But it’s not nearly as uncomfortable as we think it is. And once that bit of discomfort is bridged, it gets really rewarding.

Lately I’ve been really having the desire to do psychedelics again, after I haven’t done any for three years. I would love to just sit in my room and contemplate all day then. The value I’d get from that would be enormous. However, since I’m a pretty ungrounded person and struggle with anxiety sometimes, I fear that it would be smarter not to do any psychedelics until I’m about thirty. Also my aunt had/has (we’re not in contact therefore I don’t know her exact situation right now) schizophrenia, which is why I have some extra worries. I, stupidly, smoked weed when I was a teenager and did some psychedelics in my late teenage years, which, I think, increases my risk for psychosis as well. So I don’t want to fuck around with my sanity, which is why I haven’t been doing any drugs. I had bad experiences on weed all the time. Nothing horrible, but I was anxious most of the times I smoked. However, I never had any bad experiences on psychedelics. They were positive every single time. But still, I think it’s smarter not to indulge in them now. There will still be plenty of time when I’m older, and I’ll also wrestle through those problems with a sober mind.

Here are my Top 10 Values btw: Health Excellence Creativity Truth Movement Connection Nature Spirituality Family Contribution At least that’s what they were 2 years ago when I took the LP course. They still seem mostly accurate though. Especially Health, Excellence and Creativity being the top 3.

As I currently plan it, I will dip my toes in 2-3 more domains (like Computer Science right now) that would likely be good for survival. These should also be degrees where a bachelor’s will suffice to get a good job / start a business. I still have to do research about what that could be. I will then pick the one that resonates the most with my values and that I liked the most.

There’s also still the question on if it’s smarter (for survival) to pursue a degree and then build a business — although, of course, there can also be overlap between doing the degree and starting a business — or just start a business right away. I’m tempted to say doing a degree is smarter, because it’s the safer option for me. But is safety even always a bad bias to have?

I have some feeling, like it’s unclear whether doing another degree in pursuit of ensuring survival (primarily) will actually bring me closer to self-actualization or further away. I do need money. And I don’t want to be financially dependent on my dad anymore. Obviously, it would be perfect if I knew my Life Purpose, and it would be covered by a degree that also ensures survival. Like if my Life Purpose would be to become a master in business, and help others achieve the same. But I don’t know that. And I don’t think I can find that out so quickly.

Here’s the connection between being decisive and feeling grounded for me: Throughout my days, there often comes up some stuff that I’ve been procrastinating. For example remembering that I have to take care of my university schedule for this semester. But I don’t decide if I’m gonna do it later today, tomorrow, next week or even not all. I just don’t decide. It stays an open tab. These things accumulate throughout the day, which makes me less and less sure of how exactly my day, the rest of my day or the following week will occur. Hence, I feel ungrounded

I’m pretty happy with the CS50 course so far, but I sense it’s going to become really difficult soon. Anyways, I like to tell myself that I don’t mind hard… Pretty happy with the decision to at least try it, and do it however long it takes me to finish Problem Sets zero through six. Leo’s video on how to become decisive has really had an impact on my life. I haven’t made any major decisions since then (except to be a decisive person, lol), but even the small ones have had an impact on me. Not the contents of the decisions themselves, but the process of being decisive and seeing the decision as absolute — not letting any room for backpedaling. Here are some moments where I was more decisive last week: Deciding to do CS50 Many times about what to eat, also whether to use condiments or not and small stuff like this haha About doing a dopamine detox for 3 days About how I time-block my day There’s a specific principle to making decisions that I discovered/experienced in the process. A decision binds you down, it takes away freedom from you in some sense, but paradoxically it feels freeing to just make decisions and stick to them. I also notice how it grounded me, which I usually struggle with (feeling grounded). And it made me feel more masculine in some sense too, I think. I’ve also noticed that my decisions are starting to carry more weight than before. They still don’t carry that much weight, I’d say, simply due to my past of constant backpedaling from my decisions. I notice now, that when I decide something, it actually means something and isn’t just empty words. I can see now, how powerful it is if you practice this over years. Make decisions, stick to them, repeat. More and more will that decision ground you to the reality you’ve decided upon. Hence you become much more powerful in creating your reality.

To everyone reading this right now: If you don’t drink sparkling water, you’re seriously missing out on life. ⚡️⚡️⚡️

I’ll continue thinking about this tomorrow. Need to go to sleep now…

Something bugs me about this though. Is it really logical to do another 3 year degree, to then build a business, and then use that survival security to find my Life Purpose? And then actualize my life Purpose?

You may wonder why I don’t just go to my Life Purpose directly. The problem is, I don’t know what it is. And I had the thought that even if I knew it, I’d need a steady income, before Life Purpose — or at least it wouldn’t hurt to have. I need some survival base first, because 1) It will take time and lots of experimentation to find a good bet as to what my Life Purpose could be. I need to sustain myself somehow during that time. 2) and after I found it, I need to finance myself in some way while I build up my Life Purpose and then transition to making money from it. I think needing money from my Life Purpose as quick as possible, would make me very prone to corrupting my vision for it. I could also, of course, just get a part-time job to keep my head above the water instead. Then, I’d try finding my Life Purpose and build it up, before I sooner or later can quit my part-time and work on my Life Purpose full-time. Sounds pretty decent, but it would put me in a desperate situation to find my Life Purpose quickly and make money off of it.

Doing this course now is a direct learning experience from the first time I signed up for a bachelor’s degree. I jumped in to cultural studies without even knowing what it really is, which was stupid, granted… I had fallen in love with the idea of cultural studies while I remained ignorant of what it really is and if it’s compatible with me. I won’t repeat that mistake. And that is why I now do CS50 to test the waters.

I enrolled now for the CS50 course, which is a Computer Science Introductory course by Harvard that anybody can take for free. https://www.edx.org/cs50 My goal is not to complete the entire course, but do the first 6 Problem Sets which is about half of it. This should take me roughly 8-9 weeks if I work on it for 3 hours every day. I will continue working on my business if I find the time, but I’ve decided, this has higher priority than my business right now. As far as I’ve read the material is pretty dense for an introductory course and it will be tough. However, that’s what I can expect for Computer Science in general… so it’ll be good to confront myself with the reality of it and see if I like it. I sure like the idea of liking computer science. Let’s see if it holds up.

I recently watched re-watched Leo’s video on How to become decisive and it gave me a lot of food for thought and a couple of insights. The first insight: I will only develop so far in life, as the challenges I encounter require me to. This can either happen unconsciously, or consciously. And I’ve been thinking about what decision I could make after my bachelor’s degree that would push me to grow the most. I’d gain the most new experience, by simply taking a part-time job, and trying to grow my business. This would be super ballsy. I’d have to go completely against the grain of what my gf, brothers, dad — my mom would be fine with it — would want me to do. This alone would be a very new experience for me. Then, I’d also have so much pressure to succeed, because I just couldn’t stand it if they were right and I would have to come back to them crawling, begging to take me in. The pressure would enable me to work harder than ever in my life, which would be good. And the risk really isn’t that huge. If I fail with my business, I still can get some job with cultural studies even if it’s nothing great. More so, I can just try again, and start a new business. But still, it’s not completely obvious to me that this is the best option. Because all the online-marketing stuff is relatively limited in the value I can provide. Maybe it would be smarter to, for example, do a three year computer science degree, and then start my business. I’d have a much more substantial basis to actually offer value to the world. It would also be a challenge but I’d have more of a safety net. if anybody is reading this, I’d really appreciate your input/help here :).

I feel ashamed about telling people I do this. I would never tell my brothers (I have two older brothers) or my father about it. With my mom, I can talk pretty easily about it. I can feel their reaction in my bones just by thinking about telling them about my business. They would see it as a stupid, naive plan. They will project a picture of a stupid kid that just fell for some stupid pyramid scheme, and that they will have to convince now, not to do anything stupid and be responsible instead. If I’d tell them about my plans to become actualized, they would see me as an idealistic leftist kid that cannot accept the reality that life requires work. A kid that wants to cheat the system and find the quick way out. But that’s not the truth at all. I’m ambitious. I work harder than most people I know. It’s just that I’m willing to take risks, to go unconventional routes. I sometimes image how I’d live life without these familial pressures. I’d feel so free. Like in a video game, where I can build whatever type of character I want without anybody shaming me for it. If only I’d realize that the familial pressures exist mostly in my head, and that the chains that feel so heavy in my mind, can be lifted by the absence of thought about them.

I want to talk about my business for a bit (it’s not actually a real business yet, because I didn’t register it yet, but I will do that soon). it’s a online-marketing business. Basically my product is helping people convert more of their website traffic into newsletter subscriptions. I would do that by building a new dedicated landing page for them and creating a lead magnet (a valuable free thing that visitors get if they sign up to the newsletter) for them. I say “would do that,” because I actually haven’t built it for anyone yet, except for my mom. I think an online business is the easiest to start, because you need basically no capital to begin (assuming you have a laptop). I’m unsure if this business model I chose is specifically smart, but I think in general improving conversions is something that’s always demanded by people. It leads to them having more leads (people to sell to), which will end up making them more money. I do know that other people succeed with exactly the business model I have so it should be doable. The specific how of increasing people’s conversions — and if this conversion action should always be a newsletter sign-up — is something that can still change in the future. I still have a bunch of things to figure out with that.

Writing honestly is basically contemplation. You have an intuitive feeling about a truth and try to transform this intuition to language. edit: actually, it’s not about transforming the intuition to language. It’s about transforming the intuition into insight and then finding the fitting language to describe the insight.

Being honest is my number one priority for this journal. It’s also a reason, I just noticed, why I don’t want to focus too much on how good my writing is in here. Because when I do that, I start writing sentences and words just because they sound pretty, and not because they’re honest. This distracts a bit from the honesty aspect. But maybe I’ll be able to combine the two better as I go on.

It’s weird to write so honestly here, knowing it’s available for other people to read. It makes me feel vulnerable. And it makes me feel like y’all will think I’m a bum. Or looser would be more accurate. I think this is exactly what’s so powerful about these journals. It is, in a sense, real self-disclosure. Because even though anonymity mostly remains, we still showcase our authentic being here — maybe even more authentic in some cases than in real life. In that sense we also make ourselves vulnerable to be hurt. The point I want to make is, by opening up about difficult topics on here, sort of is already like opening up in “real life.” It’s like boxing sparring. You do engage in a fight with the other person, but there are some safety conditions. Your sparring partner is likely someone who you sort of like (you know they don’t want to seriously hurt you), you can rely on them following rules as you stem from a similar gym-culture, and the sparring gives you the chance to focus on a specific aspect — like improving your jab for instance. Despite all these artificial things, a sparring will still prepare you for a real fight. Not optimally, but it sure helps. This self-actualization journals is similar. I have to engage in a real challenge by being honest and making myself vulnerable. But I know that the members of this forum, and the conditions around it, form a culture of support and empowerment. This allows me to practice honesty and then take it to the “real world”

Looking back on this in a few years will be amazing.