Tenebroso

I don't believe there is a right answer to dealing with lust. For some people it seems to never be a problem, they indulge without guilt and are able to live full lives. I think a healthy way to deal with urges, is to say to yourself at the start of each month, I am not going to masturbate or watch porn, at some point during the month, if you have a healthy libido something will trigger that urge and you can give in to it without guilt or do something to replace satisfying of that urge e.g. lifting weights, painting, meditating. As time goes by and you learn your triggers, you can make a conscious decision to avoid them but new triggers might appear.

LOL I have been binge watching Nero Knowledge this month. Yes, very impressed with his stuff and also put off by the N Word.

I went out last week and I saw see very good looking couples. I looked down and away wondering what that is like to hold a woman's hand. I see women desiring men, I am aware of it but it has never happened to me so it's like looking into the window of a family having dinner, while you're starving outside. My male friends do very well with women, they have had all the sex and are now looking to settle down. I think I passed a threshold where it is possible that I will always be unfulfilled in this area, I do not know if I can recover my self esteem. Hypnotherapy sounds interesting, I will have to research that. I was born with a birth injury and spent much of my childhood in and out of a children's hospital, someone told me that may be responsible for a deep trauma around the feminine. When you say I am subconsciously wanting it that way, I can't disagree something is broken in me maybe that's why the girls in school who predicted I would die alone said what they said. I am actually living healthily despite my pessimism. If my depression is a wave, it is very subdued at the moment. I have not watched any porn or masturbated this month, I walk 10,000 steps almost every day, socializing etc How do you call forth something different? When I read about manifesting, there is often the assumption that you have manifested the things you want before and you just need to remember that. How do you manifest something which you have not even come close to experiencing?

I want to be more positive but it seems very rare for a man to be fulfilled romantically and sexually. Most men including myself will never know what it's like to be truly desired

@Emerald I am from London, it's a very competitive city. I have childhood female friends and always went to mixed schools. I have women in my social circle but they are all in long term relationships. I have always socialized with women, I have never really had the classic male interest; sports, cars, video games(I know women can be interested in these things) etc I have tried flirting in the past but it was clear that it was unwanted, so I stopped. It doesn't feel good to make someone uncomfortable. I asked another woman out who was a friend of a friend and she agreed to a date but never turned up, so I got stood up for what would have been my first date. I still have never been on an actual date with a woman. The majority of the time, the women are nice about the rejection but one I think has scarred me. I remember receiving this look of complete repulsion and that killed my confidence for a while. At university my roommate and close friend was one of those stereotypical chad player types, women were very forward with him. They would basically invite themselves to his room and at one point he was seeing about 7 women at once but it got a bit toxic because one of the girls wanted something more and threatened to commit suicide if he didn't oblige. It was eye opening to say the least, to see how direct and brazen women could be with very attractive men. He's married now, in fact a lot of my friends are and I am still trying to get a date. I wonder if the messages we receive as children manifest in our life. I got teased a lot at school and I remember a girl saying I would die alone. Lately my mother has begun pressuring me to get a girlfriend and she has said the "you are going to die alone" thing as well.

@Princess Arabia I read a lot and go to events at bookstores but it still seems I am invisible. Thanks for your help.

What if you accept yourself and women still are not attracted to you? Is there really someone for everyone?

Insightful post. What are the first steps to becoming a man who understand women? How do you find who you are compatible with? If you have never attracted anyone, wouldn't it be difficult to gain the experience to understand different types of women and those who would be compatible with you? Seems like a catch 22, you need experience to get experience kind of thing.

Excellent point, I find something sinister in the drive to make the simple desire to be in a romantic relationship something toxic and wrong.

In theory relationships should trigger growth but judging by the way people talk about relationships, it seems that there is a lot of stagnation i.e People not learning from their mistakes, knowingly entering into destructive situationships repeatedly, using others etc I have never been in a relationship, so I am writing from an outsiders perspective but the people will very active love lives at least in my generation, don't seem to be anymore emotionally or psychologically developed. I think you have to make an active choice to grow, being in any particular situation won't make you grow automatically just because. This is just my limited understanding.

I am 6'4 and have never really had a love life. I don't want to dismiss your experiences but I can tell you there is no automatic romantic free pass for tall men, a lot of other things still have to line up in your favour. Attraction is mysterious and paradoxical.

I am basically in the same place as you, wondering what is wrong with me and what I am doing wrong? I don't have the answers. I am trying to remain positive and taking each day at a time but it does feel sometimes like you are on the outside looking in to what seems normal and natural for others. Last night I got a bit depressed thinking about a random memory from 10 years ago of a young couple kissing in front of me on a train and wondering what I did wrong to never experience young love. Maybe there is a luck component, sometime I get fatalistic and think maybe it's not meant to be but that kills your overall drive in life, so you have to persist in taking action and finding even small things to be positive about.

I have read the book in full, I was introduced to it young. It kills your idealism about romance and love, which can be difficult to accept. I believe the author Esther Vilar received death threats for writing it. How would society look if every young man received this information at 18, I don't think it would be pretty. I think when men and women are exposed to each other's true nature as they increasingly are today, gender relations become very strained.

OK, I have to concede you are right. I have to turn over a new leaf, I have received similar advice in other places. Start from zero, look forward, let go of the old story and let go of the preconceived notions of female behaviour. Non-attachment. Focus on my internal goals/intentions/visions, while not reacting to the external world unless it matches my desired outcome. Do you believe in destiny/fate or that we actively create our reality, or even a combination of both. So if you really clean up your belief system, silence the inner critic and are clear on your goals, will the results eventually reflect that in the external world or is even thinking about the results counterproductive? "Pretend you are just starting out fresh and have no beliefs about women" I really like this, a return to innocent curiosity. Thanks

I like this

Interesting point. So how do you close the negative feedback loop? How do you get your ego to work for you?

@Buck Edwards How should a man show interest without being needy?

@Emotionalmosquito Exactly. No sympathy for these types, they deserve everything they get.

@Bittu Guys like you who enable women by pandering to them ironically cause more damage. If women were more honest about their supposed 'female intuition', nurturing ability and emotional intelligence they would make less decisions that endanger their own physical safety. They wouldn't try to change men who have no business being changed and they would observe men and potential suitors more carefully, instead of relying on an intuition that clearly doesn't work well or exist, considering the kind of men they endlessly complain about but continue to entertain. I can tell by your response you have embraced the identity of being one of the good non-toxic men. Whatever bro, the world is not sunshine and rainbows, truths might be uncomfortable. Take the condescension elsewhere, you are not more virtuous or moral than me, understood.

Attunement, empathy, playfulness, cheerfulness, listening skills etc are all great qualities but they have nothing to do with attraction. Negative, psychopathic, abusive men have zero issues attracting all kinds of women. It is clear there is no correlation between being a good person and getting laid. As we speak a racists, misogynistic killer Wade Wilson, who murdered two women has received 4000 love letters. Society does not want to deal with the dark truth of what really triggers raw female attraction. Most men keep their wall up due to experience. If you are an adult man and have no experience of emotional safety why wouldn't you self-protect. It is a myth that women are more nurturing and emotionally intelligent than men. The overwhelming experience for men is that you can't trust women with your feelings.

I don't care if it's unpopular but here is a lot of dishonesty in this thread. Society would look very different if actions matched words.

While I am on the side of limiting or removing porn from your life completely, I am not a fan of Dr. Trish Leigh's work. A woman like her is so out of touch with the average male experience, she lives on a different planet.

Thanks dude. One of the most helpful pieces of insights I have received on this forum.

You are a french lesbian living an hour away from Paris?

I think it's social and cultural. The natural gap between men and women in terms of capacity to nurture is smaller than is believed. When women are really free it is clear they are not that nurturing nor do they possess much emotional intelligence as they would like everyone to believe. If woman are so nurturing and emotionally intelligent then why have the raised multiple generations of the most anxious, low self esteem young people ever.