Adrian colby

There is no one in control because at the deepest level there is no other, only Being, absolute and unconditional. The universe did not come into existence through will or control, because will implies a subject separate from an object. The arising of mind is the first veil, the first movement away from pure Being, the first self-deception. Mind generates the illusion of separation, of self and other, of control and controlled. But Being remains prior, untouched, unconditioned, not controlling, not willing, simply is. The entire universe unfolds as the spontaneous self-expression of Being through the self-deception of mind. And so: there is no controller, because there is no separation from which to control. Being (the One, pure awareness) simply is — prior to mind, prior to any arising. Mind is the first movement away from that pure being — the first “veil,” the first “distortion,” the first illusion. Mind is what creates the appearance of separation, otherness, subject-object — and thus is the root of projection, of world, of experience. Life did not come about because it was willed into existence by a separate being or agent. Life is existence itself, spontaneously expressing. The arising of life is not caused by a will external to it; rather, it is the inherent flowering of Being (not driven), not commanded, not controlled, but simply happening because Being is. The very idea of ‘willing’ implies a subject separate from an object, a chooser separate from the chosen. But at the deepest level, there is no such duality: there is only One. And that One, being unconditional, unfolds not by will but by its own nature. Love, in its truest form, is not control or direction. it is the unconditional openness that allows infinite expression. The universe arises like a dream arises in the dreamer, spontaneously, without plan, without effort, because dreaming is what the mind does. So too, creation arises because Being is what Being does. It is the dance of what cannot not be. It’s hard to describe the transition because it is all simultaneously happening in an eternal moment.

It’s freaking me out because I’m struggling to hold it. I know that the tighter I try to grasp and hold, the more likely it is to fall away into obscurity. I’m grateful for seeing it though as it’s cleared up the source of ‘frustration’. It’s added another layer of peace to being in this experience. ❤️🙏

This is prior to will. Prior to movement. Prior to infinite mind ( god). It is the source that god created itself from. The mind that thinks and wills is a construction of absolute allowing or being. If something wills, it is creating a motion from a bias. Creation and will are simultaneous. Do an astral projection practice. Go into the void, into absolute. Another, mind, reality, body experience will inevitably appear but it arises in the moment and any discernment about it is simultaneous. It’s the first self deception as it turns away from ‘one’ to ‘oneness’. Nothing and no one controlled that.

I tried. It didn’t work!

If what is being explained is prior to allowing and accepting, absolute unconditionality which is what absolute love is, then how can love control? If there is only ‘cannot be named or grasped’ and no one or thing to control then What even is control. This is prior. This is being prior to mind or bias. There is no oneness ( manifold of mind or minds) in control, there is only a one, ( this one is prior to god ( the infinite mind) so there is nothing to control. It spontaneously arises with the infinite mind in the moment and self deception is immediate. There’s awareness prior to anything in itself of itself as itself and then there is its reflection or the other side of the mirror, it’s attributes or what it ‘does’, mind, movement, discernment.

God is the first mind, the first bias the first deception as awareness looks away from itself. The first environment within which things occur, it creates the bias and the law but that is the first deception. It comes from love with is completely chaotic, accepting, allowing anything and everything to arise. The second it does, the mind imposes distinction, even god. It contrasts form v other form and judges something to be an improvement so theirs is an arrow or direction of evolution ( entropy). I’m only just able to grasp it( not grasping at it but understanding from the experience) so I’m not going to articulate anything very well right now.

I go into a white light on Bufo ( 5MeO) one of two states experienced on the substance, the other being both black and white light where one is so bright it’s black and the other so dark it is white. Hard to describe because there’s no form at that point. disintegrating means the structure of the dream I’m having while asleep falls appart and I wake up( become lucid) in that energetic white light state. Kind of like being underwater and poking my head slowly through the surface tension but the dream anc any sense of body, head or face disintegrates the more lucid it becomes. I had one weird instance where I was half in the light and half lying in a zen garden ( dream) hearing wind chimes and a Native American woman stood over the top of me and hit me in the stomach with a shaker bead instrument ( percussion) and it shot me straight back into my body, awake in this world on my bed clutching my head wondering what had happened. I hadn’t taken any substances for several months and Bufo, I hadn’t had for years. when I become lucid in those states I do question have I actually taken something which is almost always no. 😅

https://www.actualized.org/insights/infinite-mind-visualization it’s interesting to see this visualised on screen. Most of my trips are completely mental( as in no visual) and all my insights come flying blind. It’s hard to describe, descriptions of mental mechanisms when there are no forms at that level to describe and yet thus is how I would describe it. In fact the majority of the time I go into infinite mind including the audio distortions are when I’m practicing staying aware while the body goes to sleep at night. I get them way more often when sober. I’ve woken up/ become aware in the dream state in psychedelic spaces and twice in something like bufo white light energy. I decided to try and do more sober consciousness work to flex this ‘muscle’ but I had to stop for a year because I found my vision and sound sporadically disintegrating while I was at work! And once while driving so that’s not exactly desirable. I love it though.

That was my second point. None of those cases serve me because none justify my existence. It’s just a few observations lending to both internal and external influences creating a wide variety of variation in experiences people have ie: all of the above. Unfortunately for the sake of communication and keeping it short, it can’t go into a comprehensive list so tends to take the stance of one or only a couple of perspectives. of the cases that people have presented to me in the past for arguments sake, in the de-transitioner camp, the back story of the person suggests a rapid onset of the condition which suggests psychological coping difficulties, ( shutting down to the self, deflecting and adapting to survive emotional pain by changing its character or persona drastically) which is not transgenderism ( which has a history from early to mid childhood of consistent cross gender identification ) that’s not implying that other types of cases and scenarios don’t exist ( they do) it’s just a generalisation of what I’ve come across. what is being said here is that psychological disorder is not the condition in question as the condition in question is known to have a biological basis to it ( that also doesn’t dismiss the external factors that also influence a personas makeup) it’s a complex system. I cannot allow my bias to get in the way if I am to keep up to date with the ongoing study and understanding. I do have direct experience of the condition so I have a unique opportunity to also be able to look at it from inside the experience.

Mosaic theory (the ineptitude of the human mind to grasp it maybe impossible to create definitions owing to the boundless mess of infinite diversity) ordered/disordered but still existent and experiential.

That’s because those people weren’t trans in the first place. It also goes to show depending on someone’s sensitivity how unrealistic expectations of social stereotypes ruin a persons experience of their own uniqueness. it can also be the case that the social pressure and lack of safety and dismissal can be so emotionally hurtful to someone that they shut down their authenticity and go back into hiding again. theres a case of an ftm who went through conversion therapy via a church community. They detransitioned but is on social media on a regular basis still dreaming she’s a man. An individual who is clearly still struggling and deeply sad with their situation even though they’ve been conditioned to accept and align with only the female part of their biology.

yes, my need to know was quite prevalent back then too. I approached my questioning from anything in biological makeup to psychological disorders. I went through discussing many possibilities with the very small support group/trans community and was met with allot of anger and dismissal. It later occured to me that the level of survival these people were in, had shut them down to any level of open mindedness or curiosity about themselves whatsoever. I love that you can openly contemplate and bounce ideas off people in this forum but you wouldn’t find a curious mind loose enough from its bias back then. It just left me dissolutioned and distancing myself from the lgbt as just another conforming culture with a narrative to follow. I was hard line atheist/science aligned so despite that, my recognition of conceptual constructs meant I was always in the pipeline for truth seeking or spirituality. If someone had said that to me five years ago I would have walked out and slammed the door in their face. From a biological standpoint I would say we are the result of a genetic mosaic ( as is everyone else) but our combination of factors and how they express themselves into the final human structure ( while it is an obvious part of reality) is at odds with the cultural conditioning of traditional scientific definitions that no longer stand up to what is presenting more frequently in our reality. The continuing study and updating members understand it better where the traditionalists are having a tantrum being asked to let go of outdated findings that weren’t comprehensive due to a lack of data. understanding the human body as a symbolic representation of the ‘one’ and how it separates can open a deeper meaning to the cosmos. For example: the one is a mentation/mind/idea and in its perfection has no form only the potential to become anything/something. the body is a blueprint: one, and from it can come infinite variations. For sexual organs, all we have to look at is the clitoris and penis ( there are others). While they look like distinctly opposing sexes, they are in fact the same fundamental organ that is at differing stages of development. If you lack 5 alpha reductase enzyme from your genetic makeup even if you have XY chromosomes with SRY on the Y, that organ cannot develop into the penis version of the form. You could be born ‘looking’ female when the rest of your unseen genetics have made the other structures in your body male. male and female is what we label the surface appearance of things without realizing that male and female are components that combine to make up an overall appearance. Any one of them cannot solely be used as a determining factor, hence mosaic. Deciding you are born female claims to be one going to the other when it’s more likely you are a combination of both ( we all are just most of us are predominantly more one side of that dimorphism) male and female are a binary just as the masculine and femanine are aspects of the infinite mind. What manifests out of that combination is infinite diversity of form. logos is a perfected idea of a form and manifest is the exploration through variation of that form which is infinite. ( I do think that there is religious confusion over this description taking it as a literal description of biological sex and forgetting it is symbolic of the mechanism of the mind) all the minds(gods) imagined ( creation) experience is the appearance of everything as it is here and now. splitting it appart and studying is just an attempt at justification for its existence. It already exists as it is and doesn’t need further investigation. You can blend a frog and look into smaller and smaller parts to see how it is made up and how it works ( which goes on infinitely) but you loose the essence of what the frog was in that process. The frog in its totality was the experience and ‘knowing’ ‘what’ it is as opposed to knowing ‘how’ it is put together and works (science or the justification for its existence when it already clearly exists) it would be an eternal mystery. That is what the great mystery is. That nothing of the manifest world can truly be known rather experienced from its own existence. You are the embodiment of that experience. it’s completely up to you how you want to interpret the meaning for yourself and how that creates a life story for yourself. I can only advise going with what feels authentic for your own unique version of existence as you won’t find or be able to correlate it to anyone else’s. When your mind becomes sovereign and creative. You don’t need to justify your existence, just live it with an open heart and keep exploring and enjoying the best you can while you learn and grow from it. i’m here for you if you ever want to bounce ideas.

@Clarence I’m also this so called transgender thing but I don’t identify as such. I’m one of the old ones from way back in the 1990’s. ( I do have a bit of DSD in that I had gonadal dysgenesis) the work that has been done both surgically and psychologically means I fully identify as a male. I don’t conform to the regular stereotypes but no one knows about my condition except my wife but she has never known me or seen me as anything other than a man nor has anyone else. transgenderism and its issues are not a part of my life and haven’t been for decades. None of it exists because it’s not a thought in my mind. The practicalities and day to day living don’t have any issues other than if I were to create them by telling people I was something distinctly different for everyone else which I’m clearly not by demonstration. i went by an unambiguous name that served as an acronym for the name that became legal and this was all done as soon as the legislation was passed here in 2014 followed shortly by my marriage to my wife. ( that’s not the name on my profile and I don’t expose myself for my and my families safety. I went through a full rejection of anything sexual, anything female and it was toxic enough to tip me over into a dislike of women. fast forward through a few awakenings and the mother of all of them, union with source. I’ve reintegrated the feminine and balanced both. I contain factors of both male and female biology but the genetic mutations and neurology are male. It’s just a body and a character now that my higher mind experiences through and it is loved for what it is, the lessons it provides and the challenges. the earlier days were not only absolute hell wandering through a world where no one knew or could even see me but it was constant battles with platos cave and the mind trap. Once I had sorted the condition out and aligned myself to the best of medical techs ability, I was still not satisfied with the world and kept going by deconstructing the identity and ultimately dissolving reality as well. the condition is no longer an issue and life has been let back in to do its thing. The deep healing has occured and now this one holds space for those embarking on tackling their trauma. Emotional and deconstructive work for initiates and more advanced spiritual guidance for those open and actively in the process of seeking infinity. nothing but the deepest gratitude for the lessons of this character and the adversity that has pushed it to grow. and I’ll always be deeply grateful for those like yourself who have travelled in parallel and been brave enough to share the story. It important to let the others know they are not alone. At least until they are ready to face their own infinity 😉

@Wilhelm44 Thanks for this topic. I find it very useful to have a collection of techniques as I use Gabor mates compassionate enquiry for preparatory sessions before doing any psychedelic ceremonies. move recently started using philosophical midwifery along side compassionate enquiry and IFS as the mechanism of enquiry is the same- tracing back a pattern from a dysfunctional emotional reaction. In Phil midwifery it’s using one’s dreams as a mirror of the day. I’ve also started using peoples day dreams and daily fantasy as an indicator of what is missing or a desire in life they feel they lack. Contrasting that with what the mind presents in the night dream, tends to point to a core beleif much like compassionate enquiry does. It’s fascinating. I like to get trauma, psychology, mind traps out the way first before pointing to any kind of advanced spiritual experiences. The learning of the mind continues on in the psychedelic but at least they are some way prepared in how to use it as a tool cause I’ve seen too many going straight in and developing a temporary psychosis that traumatises them on top of everything else.

@Leo Gura 🤔 I'd be a double chimera with diplhallia. And probably identify as a four spirit person🤣. An embodiment of the logos “many in the one”. Technically two zygotes that assimilated their twins and then assimilated each other. Like cell division in reverse…. chances are depending on the culture I come from I’d bend to the pressure of ( western) man or woman ( or the modern one of 50+ genders) with surgery to align. or (like east Asia ) some kind of revered Demi god representing the god of sex ( not a god of fertility as I reckon that genetic mutation would probably be infertile). boy am I going to have mad dreams tonight 🤯

It might also be wise to step into another or higher perspective of looking at this or any other situation. While looking at the science or ‘components’ involved and how they work together, we loose sight of what ‘it’ is holistically. Does anyone remember Leo’s frog in a blender analogy? when we study something we are taking it further and further apart to see its components and how they work together. It gives you a ‘how’ in separated forms but still doesn’t answer ‘what’ and in the process looses the what altogether. By the time you take it apart and understand components, it is no longer the holistic experience of being. You see the arguments taking place in here about narratives and justifications… myself included, leads to assumptions about the beings existence when we have lost sight of the beings personal experience. You see allot of assumptions contrastive with a drastically different direct experience. there are things in this life that I will never experience but there are people who will. My only access to what that might be like is to ask them but not pass a judgment on whether that’s right or wrong. I’m not experiencing it so it’s probably wrong for me but that doesn’t mean it is wrong for the other person too. Their experience, insight and sometimes profound meanings they derive from their own experience and how it is known in contrast to others experience, is part of the holism that is lost when we ourselves get lost in our speculations about it. you cannot see the cause of being which leads to all of life and form being a mystery in itself. Just existing for itself to experience itself and create meaning for itself and its own purpose while it is here. Sometimes that meaning is automated and conditioned other times it is sovereign, conscious and directed.

It’s amazing the many ways it can see itself. The stories and narratives it creates through the meanings imposed on the experiences it has that cause all the profound insights. Each individually significant for the one experiencing it alongside being contradictory to another one’s experience. Isn’t it wonderful ❤️🙏

I understand that when you refer to “hell,” you’re describing a state of internal suffering—a kind of separation from peace, presence, or alignment with one’s true self. And yes, many people who live with dysphoria or identity conflict can absolutely experience that kind of existential distress. But it’s important to consider that for many transgender individuals, especially youth, that state of disconnection is present before they receive medical intervention—not because of it. Puberty blockers are prescribed to create space for alignment: to pause the distress of a body changing in the wrong direction and allow a more integrated sense of self to emerge. The side effects you listed aren’t being ignored—but without proper context, they can be misleading. When used appropriately and under medical supervision, these treatments often lessen the kind of suffering you’re describing, not increase it. Several studies support this: • Turban et al. (2020, Pediatrics): Transgender adults who accessed puberty blockers during adolescence had significantly lower odds of suicidal ideation. • de Vries et al. (2014, Pediatrics): Adolescents who received blockers and later gender-affirming care showed psychological functioning equal to or better than peers in the general population. • The Trevor Project (2022): Trans youth who received gender-affirming care—including blockers—reported lower rates of depression and suicide attempts. So if we’re talking about “hell” as a metaphor for psychological or spiritual disconnection, then we also have to talk about what brings people out of that state. For some, it’s presence. For others, it’s healing. For many trans youth, it’s the ability to have their inner self seen, respected, and aligned with the body they live in. Denying that path often prolongs disconnection and suffering—not the treatment itself. I’m sorry, but what you’ve said here is, in places, incorrect and out of context. The side effects you’ve listed are not common and generally only occur when blockers are used improperly or without oversight. Blockers have been safely used for decades to treat children with precocious puberty, and the outcomes have been overwhelmingly positive and beneficial. It’s no different for trans youth when properly managed. This fear-based narrative around blockers was started by people who don’t understand the treatment or the condition. In the clinic I attended, DEXA scans were mandatory, and among 200 patients, only those over 40 showed any signs of bone density reduction. In my own case, my bone density increased after starting hormone therapy tailored to my specific needs. Yes, the injections hurt—but that’s the nature of my condition. I can’t produce the necessary hormones, and I need them to maintain my health. That’s not suffering. I could experience physical pain and still not suffer. Suffering, in the deeper sense, is mental anguish—a state of resistance or disconnection from reality. Pain and suffering are not the same, and it’s important to distinguish between physical sensations and emotional resistance. While some of the points you listed do reflect possible experiences, many are taken out of context, and others are simply incorrect: • Hot flashes don’t occur in children starting blockers at puberty onset. • Mood changes in children most often involve reduced anxiety, not increased distress. • Fatigue is typically circumstantial and varies per individual—it is not a common or inherent effect of blockers. • Headaches are a side effect of almost every medication, and often stem from stress, not the drug itself. • Weight changes don’t happen with blockers—they occur with hormone replacement, as natural fat and muscle redistribution takes place. That’s biology, not a side effect. • Injection pain is common with any injectable medication—even saline. It’s not unique to blockers. • Delayed growth is the intended effect—it’s what blockers are designed to do. • Fertility concerns are misunderstood—many people with gender disorders already experience compromised fertility. And not everyone wants, can, or needs to reproduce. • Sexual dysfunction is irrelevant in prepubescent individuals who are not sexually active. In adults, the condition itself—not the treatment—is often the source of dysfunction. Blockers are primarily used to reduce distress and anxiety in trans youth by buying time to make informed decisions about their future. As mentioned in earlier comments, they are rarely prescribed for more than two years. The effects you described largely pertain to adults, especially male-to-female trans people post-puberty, who may use blockers or anti-androgens to safely initiate HRT. For these individuals, suppressing androgens is a necessary step to prevent adverse cardiovascular events. Some of what you described as “negative side effects” are, in fact, the desired and therapeutic outcomes of treatment. Calling those “side effects” is like calling reduced inflammation a side effect of ibuprofen. This isn’t about ignoring suffering—it’s about treating it at the root, with compassion, informed choice, and the tools that bring people back into harmony with themselves. You seem to be greatly misinformed. when you look up information like this, remember, you are not an expert and can take it completely out of context. Be careful what way you see and use your information and it’s always a good idea to cross reference it against someone’s direct experience of it. I can do that for you and if you read my other responses you will see I am not suffering.

I cannot claim to be sure about my intentions before coming into the experience of this life as one of those people but if I were to go with the first thought in my head. I came here to experience a life where I am a type of person who is hated and feared in a time of upheaval and unrest in order to overcome, and develop compassion, understanding and love in the face of all of that. I have been treated badly by many people but I still love. It’s a hard position to be in but not as adverse as a person trying to love everyone while being tortured to death. maybe when I’m more developed I will come back and live that life. For now, this one is hard enough but very beneficial for self growth. It is also a lesson for others to develop compassion and understanding towards my difference to see it’s all one underneath. ❤️🙏

I’ve heard this suggestion many times and having spoken to lgbtq supportive psychedelic therapist in New York, no one is coming out of their trips denouncing their condition. I’ve been working with psychedelics on myself for years and I’ve never come down off a trip and suddenly decided maybe I’ll reverse all my surgery. It’s never going to happen. I’m perfectly content. I’ve come back plenty of times realising I’m god but I am also experiencing being a man with a gender disorder… that is a part of this little one’s life this time and there have been plenty beneficial catalysts and lessons provided by it. Although it was very distressing in the beginning, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

Absolutely. I don’t take my sexuality or the act of intimacy for granted. Had I been born in another time or culture without medical help, I might have lived my entire life without it—or not lived at all. I likely would have either been put to death or ended my own life. I’m incredibly grateful for what the surgeons achieved. Before genital surgery, I had never experienced an orgasm due to the deformity. But through microsurgery on the nerves and surrounding muscle structures, they made something extraordinary possible. First time I ever experienced orgasm was after surgery. Because of the stigma surrounding my condition, I completely shut down my sexuality. I didn’t want it associated with perversion, so I chose disinterest. I took it so far that I began to reject femininity entirely—even women—and tried to erase the feminine within myself. This isn’t the case for everyone with sexual incongruencies, as many are fluid or non-binary. But for me, being masculine in manifestation, I went to extremes—suppressing even the ‘divine’ feminine, which led to a toxic imbalance. Masculine and feminine energies exist in all of us and are meant to work cooperatively, as a unity. This isn’t just about sex or gender—it’s about balancing intellect and emotion, presence and receptivity, within the mind itself. It wasn’t until something happened about a year ago that I realised just how completely shut down I had been—sexually and emotionally. Someone outside my marriage unexpectedly triggered my heart to open again, and for the first time in a long time, I began to truly contemplate and observe the power of sexual energy. It struck me as a fundamental force in the universe, capable of both destruction and creation. When I projected it outward onto someone with an expectation that wasn’t met, it led to intense emotional suffering. But being more conscious this time, I stepped back and watched—my thoughts, my emotions, my behaviours. Instead of pushing the energy away, I let it fully engulf me. I stopped projecting it outward and turned it inward, using its strength to completely love and accept myself. That shift created a deep sense of self-confidence and contentment, and my heart moved from drawing inward to radiating outward—offering love instead of needing it. I no longer sought satisfaction from anyone or anything. In that state, I couldn’t be hurt, because I wasn’t grasping or possessing—there were no expectations, only acceptance. I stopped calling it lust or desire and began to simply recognise it as a powerful energy. That recognition allowed me to transmute it, and when I raised it into my heart, it felt like a partial kundalini awakening. When I embraced and fully stepped into that new way of being, it began to affect the people around me—most profoundly, my wife. She had never shown any interest in spirituality or belief in such things, yet something began to shift in her and one evening she reluctantly said to me “ it’s so cliche I don’t want to say it but I feel like I’m awakening!” She started seeing light around me and described feeling as though she’d been drugged, repeatedly insisting that something must be in the water. She had never taken psychedelics before but started describing seeing bright patterns when she kissed me. I had decided to let it out in front of her and be my authentic self. Singing and dancing in my own way and not holding any resistance to my expression and she said it was like seeing ‘me’ for the first time and who I really was which she called ‘light’. But what unfolded was far more profound—it led us both through a deep sexual healing, revealing how completely shut down we had been without even realising it. Our connection transformed from hollow lust into something rich, sensate, tantric, and deeply intimate—an experience of utter beauty. She has often said that it was in that space she saw the most divine masculine presence she had ever encountered—the very definition of a man. My self-confidence and inner contentment allowed her to feel, for the first time, that she didn’t need to be anything or do anything to satisfy me. That freedom gave her a sense of safety she had never known before. She had always suffered painful intercourse both with me and previous partners but it miraculously dissapeared and hasn’t happened since! Because of that small miracle, she wondered what else could ‘spirituality’ do and so she came into my world a bit more and started her journey. For the first time I understood and had the experience of what love actually is, the contentment and acceptance of what is, the allowing…. its so loving that it’s not even allowing ( that would be conditional) it’s unconditional, it just ‘is’. She doesn’t need to do or be anything for me to love her so the pressures are all gone and replaced with a powerful strength in my presence that allows her the space to do or be whatever she needs to be and it doesn’t change my love of her. our relationship levelled up and we both noticed it. My sexual energy became strangely potent and I noticed allot of attention from woman I never had before. it frightened one of them because she was married and couldn’t understand how her mind had wandered. She never returned to cacao ceremony. ( oops 😅) I consider myself polyamorous in the sense that I love and can be intimate when the moment genuinely calls for it—when there’s a deep resonance, and I feel called to welcome someone into my personal space. But it no longer comes from lust. It’s something entirely different now. I experience it as the universe recognising and loving itself through two beings in a moment of complete surrender. It’s utterly beautiful—life meeting itself, and if I were to look back at the end of my life, I’d carry no guilt or shame for loving in that way. I might hold myself accountable if I ever fall into hatred, but I will never apologise for loving. Because that energy is so potent, I have to be mindful of how I use it. When someone is drawn to me and moves toward intimacy, I first try to share the process I used to love and heal myself. Often, what they’re responding to is the sexual energy, but I try to guide them to turn it inward—to use that spark to discover self-love and inner wholeness. If I see that they’ve entered a state of joy or ecstasy simply from reconnecting with themselves, then I may consider opening that space for intimacy. But if they’re reaching outward to feel loved, needing something from me to fill a void, I know that becoming intimate in that state can create unhealthy attachment and emotional harm. I have to keep watching my own mind too—to stay clear of slipping back into lust—because it no longer aligns with who I’ve become. And I now understand, deeply, how powerful and damaging that kind of unconscious connection can be to someone else. Just to clarify, I don’t actively seek out people to be with. I’m in a happy marriage, and my wife is my chosen partner in this life—the person I walk beside through all the challenges, growth, and shared experiences of a parallel journey. She understands what it means to expand and open to others, because she went through that particular awakening—or activation—right alongside me. It’s given her the freedom to explore her own authentic preferences, knowing she’s held in a space of safety and trust. I don’t judge her for any of it. I don’t possess her—she is not “mine”—so nothing she does for her own joy or self-expression could ever hurt me. That includes explorations with other women, something she once would’ve been too afraid to consider because of the constraints of an uptight family upbringing. Now she’s free to explore those aspects of herself, without fear of losing me. There are lower forms of desire and lust, and for a time, I withdrew from all of it. I was celibate for several years, deeply immersed in meditation. There was a sense of peace and contentment during that period, but in hindsight, I was bypassing life—much like the path often taken in certain Buddhist traditions. I had my transcendent experiences, reached states of God-realisation, and even went beyond that into the void, the singularity, infinity itself. But eventually, I had to return—to come back and face life as a human. Because that’s what this existence is for: to be lived, felt, and integrated. So I do. I open to it fully. It’s part of who I am in this character, in this expression, in this particular ball of energy. Authentically, I am a deeply sexual and intimate person, and I love that part of myself with all my heart. For me, it has been the closest embodied experience of the divine. If I strip away the mental associations, the labels, the bodily framing of sex, and instead turn inward during the peak of orgasm—toward pure awareness—the experience becomes indistinguishable from the overwhelming spiritual vastness of 5-MeO. It is the divine meeting itself through the body. I’ve had many psychedelic journeys where it felt like the universe was simply loving itself—pure, boundless, ecstatic. A complete mind-orgasm overload. It’s so overwhelmingly beautiful. So yes, sexual energy is incredibly powerful when it’s truly integrated. But that’s the key—integration. Without it, this energy gets misunderstood, repressed, or misused. That’s why, in the spiritual community, you often see teachers getting caught in scandals or crossing boundaries with students. There’s a lack of understanding of how to hold that energy with awareness and responsibility. It’s not something to be bypassed, denied, or indulged unconsciously—it’s something sacred, to be met with clarity and care. sorry I went off on a bit of memory lane there. It was a bit long.

This might be why… I got caught up in it for two years before I de-brainwashed myself and I’m constantly trying to stamp it out of my retreats.

Yes I was a bit concerned to see that… I wouldn’t have pegged him as one to fall into conspiracy but it seems like his sovereignty of mind is starting to get corrupted. It would be a pitty as he was one of the nicer, calmer more gentle teachers if you were the type of person who couldn’t take harsh truths to hard in one go. my wife liked him but also saw the brand interview and started questioning what happened.

Always been self employed but didn’t start earning a full time living wage till mid 20’s Past: carnival / pageant float and costume maker. Installations and fibreglass props studio sound engineer present: dog groomer ( wife’s business) compassionate enquiry and integration therapist/ philosophical midwifery and dream therapy ( retreat ceremony facilitator for Egyptian Lilly, cacao and mushroom) composer, singer (motivational ceremony songs) in person courses for initiating personal journey through ancient mystery school methods in preparation for mystical experience by natural or substance onset paddle board instructor for meditative excursions

The treatment is used for premature puberty all the time( not trans related) . A child that goes into puberty early can end up with physical and social issues when they are not in the same range as the rest of their classmates. Sometimes the “natural process “ screws up and needs a bit of help. trans kids… same thing. Their natural process is incongruent so it’s better to postpone than jump right in so everyone can be satisfied. early intervention and early treatment has a better overall outcome especially for male to female patients when it’s very hard to correct the secondary characteristics of a male puberty. No one undergoes surgery till around 18. Youngest ever surgery was performed on a 16 year old in Germany. having spoken to the clinician in the European hospital I attended, I asked about blockers so I could hear it from the horses mouth. They’ve only ever had to use blockers on a trans patient once in the 40 years he’s worked there. there are dozens of studies on blockers from the premature puberty group and there are no adverse affects so long as they are applied correctly. Having the correct hormones contributes to bone density development. If it is not present, the density decreases and can develop osteoporosis. Blockers are a short term treatment and should not be used over a maximum of 2 years ( there are exceptions but the patient must be monitored monthly if the usage is to be extended due to their own personal circumstances). again I would posit that the natural process has been subject to a variation in the first place and renders the individual incongruent within their own biology so helping a process that itself has gone awry is not negative or unnecessary. The natural process has gone wrong for the individual so it is being helped back on track. and also in keeping with previous responses about the hormone receptor mutations found in these people, it is necessary for their regulation to be on the correct hormones to begin with. im lucky. Because I had gonadal dysgenesis, I did not produce normal levels of oestrogen so my body didn’t develop a feminine structure and I didn’t have to undergo corrective surgery on my chest. If that was not the case then I would certainly have wished that blockers were available back then, in my day because it would have saved me from surgery that could have been prevented.