Adrian colby

A member of my personal spiritual group totalling 12 people ( we bonded and supported each other after surviving a badly run ayahuasca retreat 5 years ago)…he put up a reel talking about “manipulation and guilt” where the main idea is not creating expectations by doing a favour and projecting blame when there is no reciprocity. He suggests keeping to one’s self and not spreading the blame, cutting off the feeling and keeping it within so as not to spread the mindset or negativity that goes with it. I understand and agree with not placing responsibility for one’s happiness in another person because if they don’t or never respond, the feeling of disappointment and even rejection can be painful and a lot of people react to that pain with anger and push the person away by blaming them and projecting.( not understanding that they set up the expectation in the first place so creating a sort of self fulfilling prophecy) The danger in overemphasizing non-duality is that it begins to devalue the emotional, social, and ethical texture of being human. The way we relate to each other is essential for human coherence and reality navigation. In the same way, realising the non dual nature of reality should integrate not negate the duality. Like projecting right or wrong onto something when the thing is neutral till meaning is attached. Meaning can be attached and is necessary for purpose in rationalising. regarding the manipulation and guilt issue, while it’s important to take responsibility for one’s own actions, emotions and states of mind, the whole point of reality which can also be understood as real, reality, relate, relationship… it’s about form relating to other form or the ‘one’ as ‘many’ relating to itself from multiple different perspectives ( like mirrors reflecting itself to create feedback and information) In order for one person to relate to another person there must be reciprocity so while we can take responsibility for our own actions and the way that we feel, nobody learns anything unless there are consequences.. shutting off any relationship with other people when their behaviour crosses physical, emotional, or conceptual boundaries does not teach the other person to learn. There is nothing against which the other person can relate to in order to correct themselves.. if we are in loving relationship with our community and we send out our own love as our true state of being and that love is not reciprocated then there is no community. There is no harmony or coherence creating a ‘whole’. humanity holds itself together through loving coherence, love and relationship, meaningful relationship, openness, vulnerability and the capacity to lower entropy by reciprocating communally. if a person is not capable of feeling any guilt for an action that they have carried out then it means that they quite possibly don’t have any empathy and are so detached that they live in isolated circumstances. I understand that guilt is not a feeling that someone should be feeling or residing in but it may be just a tiny spark that pushes someone towards developing and understanding rather than wallowing in prolonged guilt. It’s energetically an informational push toward understanding something- understanding a mistake and rectifying one’s behaviour in order to get along with the rest of the community in harmony. so being able to hold other people accountable and ourselves accountable at the same time (not in a guilty way, not in a punitive way) but in an understanding and loving way. this is where we live in harmony and if it’s based in love, compassion and understanding then the community is harmonious, coherent and stable. ( not all people are at that level of development and do need to be contained) if I were to take responsibility and I mean ultimate responsibility for everything that I do everything that I feel and everything that I think, I’m just allowing people to walk all over me or to completely shut them out altogether without placing any responsibility in their court, there would be no relationship. If I love someone of course they need to reciprocate that love for us to have a relationship. It is not my responsibility to solely love someone and have them just walk off.( I can love someone unconditionally at the same time but there is a reality here that I am participating in as a mind, body, identity) If I communicate with someone directly, there is a responsibility on that other person to respond because not responding is just me living in an isolated fantasy world and also rude of the other person especially when there were no ill intents in the communication. Cutting someone off for being rude is not a form of manipulation or guilt. it’s trying to hold somebody else accountable for their behaviour and lack of relationship in harmonious community.. what I’m describing is the necessity of integrating non-dual insight into the relational, dual world we actually live in and experience. Not as escapism or bypass. Taking full responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts, and actions does not mean giving up the boundary-making, relational feedback, or moral structure that makes communal life viable. If that were the case, abuse would be perpetually tolerated, and meaningful dialogue or correction would be impossible. There’s a critical difference between: Blaming and projecting in reaction to pain versus Naming and communicating how someone’s behavior disrupted mutual harmony. Guilt in compassion leads to self-reflection and change. Guilt in shame becomes paralysis or deflection. So when someone feels no guilt and cannot register the impact of their actions, it’s not “freedom from guilt”—it’s a lack of empathy and attunement. That’s not enlightenment, it’s a relational void. Many people use the “you are responsible for your own state” trope to shut down relational repair. the One as Many implies relationship. The One knows itself through form—through us, through love, through mutual reflection. You can’t have mutuality without responsibility. Without that, you get spiritual narcissism. many teachings of personal responsibility go to the extremes of isolation and fail to teach integrating insight into embodied life. And that means relationship, consequence, and communal resonance. Not living in a cave of detachment, nor burning bridges with projections but walking a fine line with nuance. When someone hurts us and we express that pain, we’re often told “That’s your trigger. That’s your work.” Sure! there is wisdom in tracing our emotional reactivity back to its source. But this doesn’t mean we should endure mistreatment or abandon our need for relational integrity. To be human is to relate. And to relate means to impact and be impacted, to feel and respond. spiritual maturity includes: Owning our emotional reactions and Naming when someone’s behavior is harmful or incongruent. This is not guilt-tripping.It’s not blame or emotional manipulation. It’s feedback grounded in care. this is where I start to notice Leo’s insistence on learning about politics and humanity. We can sit in higher mind states and understand how it all works but that’s useless if you come back to this level of distinction and try to push it on people in situations where it makes absolutely no sense to shite on about non duality. A lot of spiritual teachers have been becoming disillusioned by the whole ‘spiritual movement’ and dropped right back to helping people struggling with trauma and basic mind traps because it seems non dualists or the greater spiritual community have forgotten that our lived human experience is also a part of the whole thing so negating it is essentially bypassing an entire section of reality. im not innocent in this. The excitement of having awakenings about non dual nature was the biggest thing at the time and the topic of conversation but also a put down to those not yet in that stage of development. Recognising that was a big shift in realising I was actually bypassing the experience and learning of relationship, family, friendship, community, society. in a sense when I recognise that I am also now starting to see the pattern in myself using that as a put down to the non duality people when it’s likely they are simply just at a particular stage of development as well that hasn’t recognised that it is at a stage of development. its why I’ve started gravitating back towards people who simply still live in ‘this world’ to try and bridge the gap between the void and the experience and take the whole thing together in one big generalised understanding. this occured after one of my group was really struggling and the others rejected them and shut them out because they had cried wolf one too many times. It wasn’t that they kept doing it, it was that no one was meeting him where he was at. No one was showing any compassion or understanding that the crazy or horrific story he was telling had an undertone of crying out for help. It’s very easy to push someone away when they claim they are going to do something horrific but it’s another thing ( shadow love) to hear that there is a tormented soul crying out underneath it all. While I was lambasted for engaging with him, I continued to be there, to listen and gently guide him through his feelings. 4 days later after sticking with him, he is not going to go through with his threat, he is stopping drinking and is not going to go to anymore psychedelic ceremonies as he has now realised that like the drinking, he’s using the ceremonies to bypass and sooth/ relieve himself of the emotional pain. We’re going to continue to sit with it and find the pattern or deep rooted self beleif that caused it. We’ve already identified some patterns that weren’t already known so he’s had some lightbulb insight moments already. It’s small but it’s more progress than in a year. now how could I do that if I had turned around and blamed him for emotional manipulation or guilting me. I have the capacity to help a friend and protect my boundaries at the same time. If I claim to be a friend then I would hope that I had the capacity to show up, support or even just listen without judging. For the rest of the group it looked like it was a nuisance disrupting their positivity and fun because as soon as he left, they completely redirected the conversation. I don’t blame them and they certainly wouldn’t be capable of holding space for someone but I’m also repeatedly dissapointed myself that none of them even bothering showing up for a coffee. You can be a friend and spend time with me or you can tell me to stop being emotional and go away and deal with it instead of ‘projecting’. At what point does the word friend loose its meaning here. At what point does the” do you want to go for a coffee” imply that I’m imposing when I’m expressing to spend time and actually nurture our relationship?

It’s not complicated. It’s complex—and it was already complex before it was given meaning. Complication is the result of confused thinking, whereas complexity is the nature of the thing itself. So what is it that is already complex? There are two sides to the infinity mirror: the One and oneness, being and knowing, awareness and consciousness—the void (nothing) and the infinite dream of reality (everything). We live in the interplay between them: mirrors facing mirrors, depth reflecting depth. Meaning isn’t an error—it’s a function of awareness encountering complexity. It’s how the universe understands itself. The complex is the everything that comes from the nothing, and we are the meaning-making filters (egos) that reside in the middle. Humans evolved to navigate and make sense of that mess—not to survive alone, but to survive together. ‘I am your friend, but I don’t know if you are mine.’ It’s an interesting paradox, but it rests on a kind of intellectual detachment that forgets the roots of our nature. Friendship isn’t an abstraction. It’s an evolution. Our ability to discern who is truly a friend comes from the crucible of survival. We’ve survived as a species not through isolated strength or by being the fittest, but through interdependence, cooperation, and care. We kept each other warm, watched each other’s backs, and held one another up when we faltered. That wasn’t sentiment—it was necessity. But in that necessity, something beautiful emerged: empathy, intimacy, reciprocity, love—a deep mutual attunement, rather than a performative or superficial role. At its core, friendship is an extension of that evolutionary impulse: to reduce entropy, to build cohesion, to hold not just ourselves above the water, but to ensure that others do too. Humanity, society, culture, community, family, friends—all evolve and grow through cooperation (mutual love), and they fall apart when their members don’t cooperate. A body is the harmony of all its cells and organs—but when one or more parts go off on their own and don’t cooperate, the body falls apart. Everything flows and grows in harmony because they are all one and the same as the whole—as a unity. The whole universe grows and evolves itself through love. We’re not separate observers. We are the witnessing heart of the universe, giving form and meaning. It’s not that nothing matters—it’s that nothing has inherent meaning, so everything matters. If we don’t choose to care, to show up, to reflect and reach one another, then what are we? Just fragments adrift—meaningless mirrors facing away from one another? We can create spectrums to describe and categorize “friendship,” but every spectrum has a range beyond which it becomes self-neglect to still consider it a friendship, no matter how honourable we deem ourselves to be in showing up for that other person. We can believe ourselves honourable in saying that all responses are valid expressions of friendship—from the heroic gesture to avoidance and silence—but that spectrum has a threshold. Beyond it, a ‘friend’ who never shows up, never reaches out, never stands beside you when it matters—ceases to be a friend. Their behavior isn’t just neutral; it actively increases disconnection. It fragments what would otherwise cohere. Life is relationship. How form relates to form. Reality. Relate. Relationship. Duality exists for relationship—to teach the One how it appears in many. And if all forms are part of the Whole, then in relating to one another, we are essentially relating to ourselves. To love—to show up, to listen, to care—is not sentimentalism. It’s cosmic maintenance. It’s coherence. It’s low entropy. And in that sense, the universe teaches its own lesson: It is always better to hold together than to fall apart. What is the point in falling apart back into the void, when you’ve already spent eternity there and grown tired of its silence? You can know a friend by how they show up and reflect you— by how much they want your company, by how much time they want to share with you, by whether they not only ask of you but also offer something of themselves. By respecting your energy when it’s low, and loving and indulging in it when it’s high. Sometimes a friend’s actions might not fully reflect their thoughts—they may not have the means to be there for you— but you can still feel the sincerity in their energy beneath it all… because they want to.🥰 and then the response was ‘Nope! Lovingly’ the heart, still raw, sank once again. 😢

I had the experience of the pure light of consciousness and also an understanding of ‘the one’ it all pointed to but understanding how the whole universe worked and its nature being that of infinite mind was easy for the intellect. Embodying into the experience has never been that easy because naturally, the more limited, the more complex. It’s not always obvious that’s somethings wrong especially the deception or trauma constructed that life in the first place and it’s all you’ve known.

I can’t get this through to people….. the spiritual work caused an expansion of the heart and this one couldn’t contain that love. It wasn’t projected outward. It was sent back in on itself which healed it and opened it to generate and overflow. in the little human form, that mind wanted to expand that love to encompass everything and express in its own limited way. it wasn’t projected outward called everything from :cheat, pervert, greedy, sick it wasn’t romantic, it was about healing. Loving genuinely enough to care, to step that little bit closer to unconditionality. not to possess or need or want but to just be there to love. the pain of the resistance and rejection everywhere is almost too much. Almost convincing to shut the heart down again. But beauty is everywhere and expressing joy in its presence is what the universe is doing through me, to know itself. I guess it doesn’t matter how blind its other eyes are. It doesn’t just love itself, it is love itself anyway. 🥲

Another thing I’ve noticed and started doing prior to any advanced spirituality is ‘embodiment’ if it’s a trauma or neurological or one of many occurrences that makes a person overwhelmed and unable to cope or regulate their nervous system, they tend to disembody or dissassociate. In other words they ( the soul) contracts itself up into the head ( a restricted form of mind). Like living from the neck up. Shut down and lacking access to the body so they don’t get information from their emotional states. Someone who is so contracted can’t even feel the emotions so they have no way to trace their way back to what caused the trauma. It’s what could be described as a total imbalance of the divine masculine and femanine where the femanine ( emotion) is cut off and the masculine ( logical/reasoning intellect) is engaged and lived through instead. a person can be fairly successful living from the mind and even have a great ability at metaphysical thought but the lived experience neccessary for growth isn’t embodied so there’s always something unfulfilled or unsatisfied about life. most people are disembodied and probably why allot of people seek out practices like yoga, breath-work, qi gong etc. bringing someone back into the body and re familiarising them with the sensations is a first step. coming into contact with a strong emotion, trapped emotion or tension in the body is the part therapists are afraid to bring a person to. these sensations can be the residues of a trauma and can flood a memory, re-traumatising someone so it’s important to teach emotional and nervous system regulation practices to help someone cope when they begin to face memories or somatic releases. in the ancient mystery schools this would be likened to initiation and preparing someone for contact with the higher mind by going through the release and purification process of tensions and energies held onto by the body and mind. psychology and therapy is starting to catch up with this by introducing things like ‘clearing method’ and training therapists to sit with and ‘hold space’ for a client who is coming back into contact with the emotion and thoughts of their trauma. Slowly and gently is best so the client can work their way through it without becoming re-traumatised and shut down or disconnected again ( sometimes worse than before). This is why it’s not always advised to use psychedelic therapy before a good deal of teaching how to regulate and observe one’s self as the substances force open access to the higher mind and increase sensitivity dramatically. it’s also being noticed that people doing a lot of ‘new age’ or spiritual body practices classes have people going into somatic release or re-embodying to intense sensations and not actually understanding what is happening so the clients are not getting any help or advice how to advance beyond a stage that can end up shutting them down again.

@Leo Gura There is no one in control. The unfolding of reality happens spontaneously, without a separate will steering it. The very moment the mind becomes aware of a reality, it is already participating in its creation — projecting its own meanings, biases, interpretations onto what arises. Reality is not a fixed world apart; it is the living, immediate emergence of mind’s interplay with awareness, inseparable from the act of seeing itself. Every experience is simultaneously perception and projection, discovery and invention, the dreamer dreaming the dream while being dreamed by it. Knowing this brings a profound release: no controller is needed, because nothing stands outside the unfolding. It simply is. There is no one in control. At the deepest level, there is no other, no second, no separate agent, only the One. Creation unfolds spontaneously, as a logos, a word, an idea arising within the infinite mind. It is allowed to manifest in infinite ways, not by the will of a separate being, but as an expression of love, love as pure allowing, pure being, prior even to acceptance or permission. At that level, there is no controller, no hand guiding, because there is no subject to control an object. The moment mind arises ( infinite mind), individual mind, the very act of appearing brings with it bias, perspective, and veiling. Separation implies limitation, and every experience within mind carries the subtle movement of self-deception: an infinite mind creating the illusion of finitude, of otherness, of multiplicity. The entire universe is a projection of this self-deception, not as a flaw, but as the very play of being itself. And so: there is no controller, no one in control, because nothing stands outside the unfolding to control it. It is all simply the dream of the One, dreaming itself. There is no one in control!!!!!!! —- this was a few moments ago and now I’m back and grounded, I remember one of Leo’s awakening videos as he was going through it laughing and saying “there’s no one in control!” how many years later… I get it! 🤣🤩🤯😱🫥 not induced by psychedelics, this came out of a meditative state after heavy dialectic with an insight followed by surrendering the insight. I was trying to see why I had been able to understand the whole universe and reach a sense of peace because of it but yet remained a frustration of not being able to deal with individuated problems clearly while in a therapist/spiritual advisory role. It’s so hard to grasp that insight as it’s on the edge of no experience at all. And it happens so fast ( it’s almost always missed) the self deception, the sudden forgetting of the inward as it is distracted outward and that creation is eternally now from moment to moment. ok I’m going to stop there as I’ve noticed. I’m going into a loop

Everything is one and that one at a fundamental level is a void. Unlimited, infinite, boundless. If it has total sovereignty and control over itself, that has to be when it becomes aware of itself being a self otherwise there’s no thing to have sovereignty or control over. Prior to it being a self constructed mind, there is no control. The self and the mind come into being by the very nature of it being unlimited. having said that, it’s just various levels of consciousness in limitation on top of limitlessness simultaneously. The limited and controlled, willing version of it is the part that focuses into ever more finite possibilities or the many. working backwards from the beleif the mind has in finitude, you can dissolve all the way back to a source that is unbounded void where nothing and no one is in control. To control, a mind or self must first form from that void. Discussing it, grasping it and trying to describe it, I end up loosing connection with it. leos recent video touched on it in a few of the proofs he discussed.

Nicely put! ”Manifestation is only possible possibilities” that would explain the rigidity of this world in contrast with less finite worlds like that experienced in trance. Plenty of incoherent appearances there but again all within the creation/ mind. your words offer another way of seeing or describing and bring it a bit closer to my understanding of the second law of thermodynamic and entropy. Or like hydrodynamics. Water is hydrodynamics, incoherence cancels out and doesn’t manifest. Where coherence forms patterns and form. There’s no agency behind it. thankyou for your way of describing it. It has added to the clarity of what was being pointed at. im aware that my own mind is clearly making a distinction here but I see all phenomenological appearance including mind as the creation or illusion ( I don’t dismiss it) but I see a clear distinction between that and what it comes from. Personally I’ve always called it ‘awareness’ and ‘consciousness’ aka the source and its dream aka infinity itself and infinite mind.

yes, it’s all One, no separation, no other. I see that too. Where we might differ is here: for me, even saying ‘the Source extends itself,’ or ‘controls itself,’ or is ‘responsible for itself,’ still carries the subtle implication of an agency, a doer. But in what I’ve seen, the Source is prior even to the distinction between actor and action, between controller and controlled, between extension and non-extension. It’s not an actor doing something to itself; it’s Being simply being. And in that is-ness, appearance arises not as an act of will, but as spontaneous unfolding. Control and responsibility are beautiful metaphors from within mind, but from the point prior to mind, they dissolve into pure is-ness, prior to allowance or acceptance, no willing, no controlling. You see it if you practice no self before dream yoga. The new environment, mind, body and story unfold out of the void with no intention. It and the mind spontaneously appear and it grasps at it immediately the second it’s attention is drawn to a happening perceived as external.. mind within mind has the illusion of agency and can create intention to shift between realities and environments but that is still not the one or the whole. Back at the point of undivided one, there is only being and nothing controlling or to be controlled( that all happens within the formation of mind)

What I’ve seen is that the Source is not an agent that wills or chooses. The arising of illusion, mind, logos happens spontaneously, without a subject willing it into being. The moment mind appears, it immediately begins projecting — creating meanings, causes, narratives. But these are not caused by an intentional will; they are the spontaneous play of appearance itself. this doesn’t imply will is separate or independent from the Source. Nothing is separate. Will appears within the Source, as an aspect of the arising illusion of mind. The Source doesn’t will illusions. illusions simply arise, like ripples on still water, without an agent making them. Any sense of ‘will’ or ‘intention’ is already part of the illusion that arises with mind. The Source is prior to will, prior to agency, prior to the distinction between movement and stillness. It simply is. That is why I say: there is no one in control. Existence is unfolding by itself, without a doer. the Source is not “responsible” in the moral, causal, or intentional sense. Responsibility implies a separation between a doer and a deed, a creator and a creation but you’ve seen that there is no second, no other, no separate act. The Source is not an agent among others; it is Being itself. not “doing” existence, but ‘is’ existence. You’re implying relational causality with your argument? Is responsibility and therefore agency not also an illusion within it? what I just experience was simply being and there is no control or conditionality as a prerequisite to anything arising. At this end it certainly looks like control and or will and agency but the mind likes to make sense of things that are a-rational and prior to being. Not ‘a’ being but being.

It still showing as bold on mine 🤣

If we ask ‘what caused the first movement,’ are we not already assuming a distinction between stillness and movement? What if that distinction only arises after mind appears? What if, at the level of the Source, there was never truly a movement, but only the appearance of movement within timeless being? It’s a subtle paradox that mystics, nondual philosophers, and contemplatives wrestle with before or if they ever ( it’s not an experience but I’m going to say) experience it. At the level of the Source, “cause” and “will” themselves do not apply.From the perspective of mind, everything needs a cause, an origin, an agent.But from the perspective of the Source, there is no before and after, no movement from something to something else, because there is no second thing. The Source does not “cause” or “will” movement. Movement spontaneously arises as the appearance of difference, but without an agent behind it and it does so with the simultaneous differentiation of the mind. God mind sees ‘good’ or ‘better’ creating a movement towards better in an entropic or Co operative oneness kind of way. As more finite and limited forms of mind split off there come deeper and deeper self deceptions and dualities ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and the arrow of time. we can’t see or grasp it only become it and intuit its nature. We only experience what it does, but we never experience what it is. We can’t prove or see or point to it. It is ‘nothing’ but not an emptiness. It’s infinitely potential bursting because of its infinite nature, open and unbounded, uncontrolled. Prior to allowing, absolute love. There’s nothing to be said of it so we spend our moments in the exploration of infinite mind.

I hear you — that’s a beautiful way of seeing. And yet, what I’ve come to realize is slightly different. In my experience, the Source is prior to will, prior even to the movement of inspiration. It simply is, and its ‘love’ is not a willful act or intention but its very nature: an unconditional openness, a groundless allowing, a being that does not need to choose, because there is no other, no outside. From this unconditional Being, mind arises as the first movement — the first appearance of difference, of will, of relation, of inspiration. But prior to mind, prior to motion, there is nothing to will, nothing to move, nothing to inspire. Not a void in lack — but a fullness that has no need. What appears as will is the projection of mind itself. The Source simply is, without action, without intention, without a second to love. And yet, that is love in its highest, most unconditional form. You framing love as willed action. Movement implies will. Will implies a subject (even an ultimate one). That subject is the Source, and the will is love. Im framing love as inherent beingness. The Source is prior to will, prior to subjectivity. Love, in its truest sense, is not an act of will, but the very nature of Being itself as unconditional openness. Nothing moves “by inspiration of something prior” because the notion of “prior” already presupposes time, causality, sequence — all of which arise within mind, within appearance, not the absolute.

There is no one in control because at the deepest level there is no other, only Being, absolute and unconditional. The universe did not come into existence through will or control, because will implies a subject separate from an object. The arising of mind is the first veil, the first movement away from pure Being, the first self-deception. Mind generates the illusion of separation, of self and other, of control and controlled. But Being remains prior, untouched, unconditioned, not controlling, not willing, simply is. The entire universe unfolds as the spontaneous self-expression of Being through the self-deception of mind. And so: there is no controller, because there is no separation from which to control. Being (the One, pure awareness) simply is — prior to mind, prior to any arising. Mind is the first movement away from that pure being — the first “veil,” the first “distortion,” the first illusion. Mind is what creates the appearance of separation, otherness, subject-object — and thus is the root of projection, of world, of experience. Life did not come about because it was willed into existence by a separate being or agent. Life is existence itself, spontaneously expressing. The arising of life is not caused by a will external to it; rather, it is the inherent flowering of Being (not driven), not commanded, not controlled, but simply happening because Being is. The very idea of ‘willing’ implies a subject separate from an object, a chooser separate from the chosen. But at the deepest level, there is no such duality: there is only One. And that One, being unconditional, unfolds not by will but by its own nature. Love, in its truest form, is not control or direction. it is the unconditional openness that allows infinite expression. The universe arises like a dream arises in the dreamer, spontaneously, without plan, without effort, because dreaming is what the mind does. So too, creation arises because Being is what Being does. It is the dance of what cannot not be. It’s hard to describe the transition because it is all simultaneously happening in an eternal moment.

It’s freaking me out because I’m struggling to hold it. I know that the tighter I try to grasp and hold, the more likely it is to fall away into obscurity. I’m grateful for seeing it though as it’s cleared up the source of ‘frustration’. It’s added another layer of peace to being in this experience. ❤️🙏

This is prior to will. Prior to movement. Prior to infinite mind ( god). It is the source that god created itself from. The mind that thinks and wills is a construction of absolute allowing or being. If something wills, it is creating a motion from a bias. Creation and will are simultaneous. Do an astral projection practice. Go into the void, into absolute. Another, mind, reality, body experience will inevitably appear but it arises in the moment and any discernment about it is simultaneous. It’s the first self deception as it turns away from ‘one’ to ‘oneness’. Nothing and no one controlled that.

I tried. It didn’t work!

If what is being explained is prior to allowing and accepting, absolute unconditionality which is what absolute love is, then how can love control? If there is only ‘cannot be named or grasped’ and no one or thing to control then What even is control. This is prior. This is being prior to mind or bias. There is no oneness ( manifold of mind or minds) in control, there is only a one, ( this one is prior to god ( the infinite mind) so there is nothing to control. It spontaneously arises with the infinite mind in the moment and self deception is immediate. There’s awareness prior to anything in itself of itself as itself and then there is its reflection or the other side of the mirror, it’s attributes or what it ‘does’, mind, movement, discernment.

God is the first mind, the first bias the first deception as awareness looks away from itself. The first environment within which things occur, it creates the bias and the law but that is the first deception. It comes from love with is completely chaotic, accepting, allowing anything and everything to arise. The second it does, the mind imposes distinction, even god. It contrasts form v other form and judges something to be an improvement so theirs is an arrow or direction of evolution ( entropy). I’m only just able to grasp it( not grasping at it but understanding from the experience) so I’m not going to articulate anything very well right now.

I go into a white light on Bufo ( 5MeO) one of two states experienced on the substance, the other being both black and white light where one is so bright it’s black and the other so dark it is white. Hard to describe because there’s no form at that point. disintegrating means the structure of the dream I’m having while asleep falls appart and I wake up( become lucid) in that energetic white light state. Kind of like being underwater and poking my head slowly through the surface tension but the dream anc any sense of body, head or face disintegrates the more lucid it becomes. I had one weird instance where I was half in the light and half lying in a zen garden ( dream) hearing wind chimes and a Native American woman stood over the top of me and hit me in the stomach with a shaker bead instrument ( percussion) and it shot me straight back into my body, awake in this world on my bed clutching my head wondering what had happened. I hadn’t taken any substances for several months and Bufo, I hadn’t had for years. when I become lucid in those states I do question have I actually taken something which is almost always no. 😅

https://www.actualized.org/insights/infinite-mind-visualization it’s interesting to see this visualised on screen. Most of my trips are completely mental( as in no visual) and all my insights come flying blind. It’s hard to describe, descriptions of mental mechanisms when there are no forms at that level to describe and yet thus is how I would describe it. In fact the majority of the time I go into infinite mind including the audio distortions are when I’m practicing staying aware while the body goes to sleep at night. I get them way more often when sober. I’ve woken up/ become aware in the dream state in psychedelic spaces and twice in something like bufo white light energy. I decided to try and do more sober consciousness work to flex this ‘muscle’ but I had to stop for a year because I found my vision and sound sporadically disintegrating while I was at work! And once while driving so that’s not exactly desirable. I love it though.

That was my second point. None of those cases serve me because none justify my existence. It’s just a few observations lending to both internal and external influences creating a wide variety of variation in experiences people have ie: all of the above. Unfortunately for the sake of communication and keeping it short, it can’t go into a comprehensive list so tends to take the stance of one or only a couple of perspectives. of the cases that people have presented to me in the past for arguments sake, in the de-transitioner camp, the back story of the person suggests a rapid onset of the condition which suggests psychological coping difficulties, ( shutting down to the self, deflecting and adapting to survive emotional pain by changing its character or persona drastically) which is not transgenderism ( which has a history from early to mid childhood of consistent cross gender identification ) that’s not implying that other types of cases and scenarios don’t exist ( they do) it’s just a generalisation of what I’ve come across. what is being said here is that psychological disorder is not the condition in question as the condition in question is known to have a biological basis to it ( that also doesn’t dismiss the external factors that also influence a personas makeup) it’s a complex system. I cannot allow my bias to get in the way if I am to keep up to date with the ongoing study and understanding. I do have direct experience of the condition so I have a unique opportunity to also be able to look at it from inside the experience.

Mosaic theory (the ineptitude of the human mind to grasp it maybe impossible to create definitions owing to the boundless mess of infinite diversity) ordered/disordered but still existent and experiential.

That’s because those people weren’t trans in the first place. It also goes to show depending on someone’s sensitivity how unrealistic expectations of social stereotypes ruin a persons experience of their own uniqueness. it can also be the case that the social pressure and lack of safety and dismissal can be so emotionally hurtful to someone that they shut down their authenticity and go back into hiding again. theres a case of an ftm who went through conversion therapy via a church community. They detransitioned but is on social media on a regular basis still dreaming she’s a man. An individual who is clearly still struggling and deeply sad with their situation even though they’ve been conditioned to accept and align with only the female part of their biology.

yes, my need to know was quite prevalent back then too. I approached my questioning from anything in biological makeup to psychological disorders. I went through discussing many possibilities with the very small support group/trans community and was met with allot of anger and dismissal. It later occured to me that the level of survival these people were in, had shut them down to any level of open mindedness or curiosity about themselves whatsoever. I love that you can openly contemplate and bounce ideas off people in this forum but you wouldn’t find a curious mind loose enough from its bias back then. It just left me dissolutioned and distancing myself from the lgbt as just another conforming culture with a narrative to follow. I was hard line atheist/science aligned so despite that, my recognition of conceptual constructs meant I was always in the pipeline for truth seeking or spirituality. If someone had said that to me five years ago I would have walked out and slammed the door in their face. From a biological standpoint I would say we are the result of a genetic mosaic ( as is everyone else) but our combination of factors and how they express themselves into the final human structure ( while it is an obvious part of reality) is at odds with the cultural conditioning of traditional scientific definitions that no longer stand up to what is presenting more frequently in our reality. The continuing study and updating members understand it better where the traditionalists are having a tantrum being asked to let go of outdated findings that weren’t comprehensive due to a lack of data. understanding the human body as a symbolic representation of the ‘one’ and how it separates can open a deeper meaning to the cosmos. For example: the one is a mentation/mind/idea and in its perfection has no form only the potential to become anything/something. the body is a blueprint: one, and from it can come infinite variations. For sexual organs, all we have to look at is the clitoris and penis ( there are others). While they look like distinctly opposing sexes, they are in fact the same fundamental organ that is at differing stages of development. If you lack 5 alpha reductase enzyme from your genetic makeup even if you have XY chromosomes with SRY on the Y, that organ cannot develop into the penis version of the form. You could be born ‘looking’ female when the rest of your unseen genetics have made the other structures in your body male. male and female is what we label the surface appearance of things without realizing that male and female are components that combine to make up an overall appearance. Any one of them cannot solely be used as a determining factor, hence mosaic. Deciding you are born female claims to be one going to the other when it’s more likely you are a combination of both ( we all are just most of us are predominantly more one side of that dimorphism) male and female are a binary just as the masculine and femanine are aspects of the infinite mind. What manifests out of that combination is infinite diversity of form. logos is a perfected idea of a form and manifest is the exploration through variation of that form which is infinite. ( I do think that there is religious confusion over this description taking it as a literal description of biological sex and forgetting it is symbolic of the mechanism of the mind) all the minds(gods) imagined ( creation) experience is the appearance of everything as it is here and now. splitting it appart and studying is just an attempt at justification for its existence. It already exists as it is and doesn’t need further investigation. You can blend a frog and look into smaller and smaller parts to see how it is made up and how it works ( which goes on infinitely) but you loose the essence of what the frog was in that process. The frog in its totality was the experience and ‘knowing’ ‘what’ it is as opposed to knowing ‘how’ it is put together and works (science or the justification for its existence when it already clearly exists) it would be an eternal mystery. That is what the great mystery is. That nothing of the manifest world can truly be known rather experienced from its own existence. You are the embodiment of that experience. it’s completely up to you how you want to interpret the meaning for yourself and how that creates a life story for yourself. I can only advise going with what feels authentic for your own unique version of existence as you won’t find or be able to correlate it to anyone else’s. When your mind becomes sovereign and creative. You don’t need to justify your existence, just live it with an open heart and keep exploring and enjoying the best you can while you learn and grow from it. i’m here for you if you ever want to bounce ideas.