Adrian colby

I got fed up with the constant dismissive and down right nasty onslaught on human diversity after I had an autism masking collapse ( suicide attempt followed by diagnosis), I recovered honouring my nervous system and being authentic to who I am and my preferences. I was never identified with the lgbt culture but in light of the last 6 years I’ve recognised there’s more love there. Who you love and how you love is still love. Absolute love is beyond acknowledging accepting and allowing… it’s simply ‘being’. i wrote a song about being love and love coming from within each of us but as soon as I put down the baseline, it turned into a Gay anthem. It’s also my best production so far for a non pro music producer/sound engineer. thought I would share.

I like to call it abstraction. I was talking to a new Ager and my brother in law overheard. He went to his mother to say I was mental so I ended up having to explain symbolic language and getting to what the person is trying to point at using simile, metaphor ,analogy to similar patterns in different style language or framework. I called it abstraction. Likening it to the Socratic method or what Pierre grimes would do with dreams. I did it with my dad in hospital when he was up to his eyeballs on morphine. Everyone else dismissed his slurred rambling and left the room. I had one of the most interesting conversations I’ve ever had with him. I also get what you say about meaning but only in context. This became very apparent to me while figuring out how AI was stringing words together to make intelligible sentences. It’s also something that has cropped up after my (very recent) autism diagnosis and that is not understanding what people are saying particularly in short group chat comments on the likes of WhatsApp and it’s because the word or sentence lacks the context. Just as with the nature of reality, meaning cannot mean something unless it relates to another meaning. It’s the relationship between the two where any understanding or distinction can occur. that’s just going to send me off into an expanding contemplation… I’ll stop my brain before it keeps itself awake all night 🫢

@Leo Gura Love and hate are distinctions that arise at the relative level from an originally undifferentiated unity. In that sense, hate is not separate from the absolute, but a conditioned expression emerging within multiplicity. Love can be understood as the absolute itself when resting simply in being, whereas hate appears when consciousness moves from pure being into identification, division, and reactive doing contrasting against itself. i watch people come back from trips. Their ego Co opts the experience, then they struggle to hold both absolute and relative simultaneously mistaking their ‘I’ for the absolute.

I always take these ideas as contemplation fodder so I’m thankful for the answer. there’s probably some truth in what you’re pointing toward regarding identity formation like social mirroring and autistic differences in social processing. But I’d be careful about reducing autism to simply ‘weak theory of mind’ because modern understanding is moving away from that idea as a blanket explanation. Many autistic individuals can understand others deeply…sometimes excessively deeply through analysis but may struggle with rapid implicit social interpretation in real time. That’s different from lacking empathy or lacking a theory of minds altogether. I’d also be cautious with the idea that identity mainly comes from copying others. Social mirroring certainly contributes, but identity appears to emerge from many layers like biology, temperament, nervous system structure, endocrine influences, embodiment, attachment, memory, social interaction, and self-reflection. Ironically, many autistic people report not a weak identity, but an unusually persistent internal sense of self combined with exhaustion from masking and performing social expectations that feel unnatural. That has certainly been part of my own experience and the phase of exhaustion I’m currently at. Where I think discussions like this become dangerous is when a leap is made from ‘autistic people process identity differently’ to ‘therefore trans identity is simply confusion or imitation.’ That doesn’t logically follow.Autistic individuals are often less socially conformist, more introspective, and more likely to question imposed roles rather than automatically absorb them. So the same observations could support the opposite interpretation: that some autistic people are less capable of suppressing internal incongruence for the sake of social harmony. In my own case, having a DSD complicates things further because we’re not talking about a purely social or conceptual phenomenon. There are biological developmental variables involved from the outset. I think these ideas are worth contemplating carefully, but I’d avoid collapsing a very complex interaction of biology, neurology, embodiment, and social development into a single explanatory mechanism. A lot of the problem I find is A lack of understandable communication between divergent ways of processing and one trying to pathologies the other. my wife is very good at interacting with me. She does a lot of animal behaviour work so is clued into highly sensitive nervous systems ( she communicates with that, not my intellect) Humans are constantly faster, bigger, louder, overstimulating, desensitised, short attention etc so when someone like myself goes into an environment where there’s so much change, it interruptes the hyper focus I have my baseline in, it becomes very overwhelming very quickly. I tend to remove myself and enjoy the quiet and subtle nuances of natural environments instead. I'm going to stop yhere cause I realise I’m diverging away from topic.

I’ve Deffinately come across that before, many times. If someone’s neuroendocrine pathway development is divergent from the reproductive sex it’s certainly in line with a type of neurodivergence. there must be some truth to it because I’m trans and also have a DSD… and just today I started the proper assessment process for an autism and adhd diagnosis. ( age 40+, the typical collapse of masking revealing all the sensitivities). my sexual variation had a part to play in triggering my awakening but my awakening triggered the slow collapse of my personality. first time was an intellectual deconstruction, the second time was the exhaustion of an unfit adaptation. No more being inauthentic. others have suggested following his authenticity and I second that. Be what you are, whatever that is and you know, when you start to function better. … and definitely integrate both masculine and feminine aspects. For me that had nothing to do with being a man but a balanced human being.

I think the cult documentaries are going to be timely and interesting. im currently watching a friend ( ceremony facilitator/druid/shaman/healer etc blah blah) claim to have gone through a transformation and become his true self ( again!) and this time “shits getting real”. after a lengthy speech to ‘headhunted’, ‘special’ helpers, my red flags are flying in all directions as I can clearly see a tragectory ( not yet a cult) but with serious potential to turn into one. i think I might start a journal in the journal section with my analysis of the ‘problem’ but I’m expecting to see similarities in the documentaries Leo is sharing.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow who sent me a video of JFK ‘making a speech’ ten days before his assassination. ive told him before to stop jumping in with assumptions based on the framework other people sell to him that is highly reactionary and emotionally provocative. He claims he knows it’s nonsense but it’s telling that he would send me the speech because a part of him is not sure still. the speech obviously goes on about ‘secret society’ and ‘control over American citizens’ but in this decade it can sound like he’s talking about the ‘current’ conspiracy narrative Maga, Qanon and a lot of spiritual people have fallen into “the great awakening”. A lot of spiritual/ceremony community spaces have that print map by the artist “champ parinya“ draped across the wall like some kind of prophetic bible.a concoction of narratives by conspiratorial groups with no connection… tomorrow I’ve to sit him down and explain ‘context’ who was the audience JFK was addressing?( journalists) what year was this speech made?(1961) what was going on globally at the time?( Cold War, covert operations , information control, espionage, communism etc) Was he talking about the evil satanic cabal? No! He was talking about the culture of secrecy and lack of trust between nations. The tension between national security and transparency, freedom of the press v state secrecy. the interpretation is constrained by… ’context!’ it’s the difference in a narrative driven cognition and a detail driven cognition. If the narrative takes priority, it tends to make a person fit the details into it by picking some and ignoring others rather than looking at evidence and allowing those details ( all of them) to form the basis for any real conclusion. if you go with narrative first, it reduces complexity, gives something a quick ‘meaning’ and sense of orientation which is great as a stabilisation mechanism for the mind ( albeit a deception). Someone who is automatically reactionary is going to look to stabilise something that is chaotically senseless by making it ‘feel’ like it is internally coherent. part of human survival is ‘pattern recognition’ like recognising faces, finding threats and finding meaning so for the most part ‘fear based’. This is a normal and valid human function but it overextends itself when linking things that have no causal connection to create that ‘certainty’ to alleviate the fear and claim to be ‘in the know.’ It’s not irrational but a misuse or overreaching of a valid survival function. it’s not about challenging someone but illuminating the ‘structure’ of how meaning is constructed. ( a projection on reality not a constraint from acceptance of reality) my friends repeated exposure to being sent these stories or it being brought up in new age communities can make it start to feel plausible because it becomes familiar. He doesn’t ‘beleive’ it but doesn’t know how to dismiss it either… enter epistemic responsibility… to look at how you think, not ‘what’ you are thinking about. Examine the method rather than defending the beleif. It’s not whether it is true or false but rather what kind of thinking produced this? Then moving into discernment: are you noticing patterns that are actually there or are you building a pattern by connecting incomplete pieces? One is properly grounded. If the connection isn’t solid then you need to learn to tolerate “I don’t know”. That’s the antidote to conspiracy thinking. I’ve noticed some spiritual spaces can drift into this because once you start questioning surface reality, it’s easy to keep going and start questioning everything without always grounding it again.So instead of dissolving illusion, it can turn into building new ones that just feel more meaningful. ( delusional) and naive psychedelic users in these spaces are highly susceptible to it. Way too many facilitators peddle this as a true worldview connected to being spiritual. a lot of conspiratorial narratives use language that is conflated with spiritual language like ‘awakening’ and ‘seeing behind the veil’, ‘good v evil’ etc. so rather than deconstructing reality to get a glimpse of the source, they get caught in narrative within the illusion. most people in spiritual spaces don’t know what spirituality is and are actually there for trauma resolution, personal development and ways to figure the improvement of their health/life. If you think there is a conspiracy against you, it can certainly redirect your attention and bypass understanding your own mental mechanisms, conditioning and emotions … that would otherwise lead to improving your life.

blog post Beyond insanity part 1: when not using psychedelics, this is what my yoga nidra or astral practice looks like. Not much different than meditating sitting or lying down, beyond the no self state, another reality will form. one session I decided to allow literally anything horrific that I could imagine. I let my mind let rip and instead of disgust or horror, I loved. That broke a boundary and love entered insanity. I go through phases where the darkest realms are the most beautiful and I actually prefer them.

I’m a man ( trans/DSD containing both male and female). I like women ( sorry that’s boring and traditional). also a field of awareness that is neither a man or woman ( sorry again but this is the actualised forum and I have experienced god realisation and nondual awareness). I can say I like all women but it wouldn’t be true because I have preferences/biases. I have preferences for certain types of women and that can be cut down again into specific women I find attractive. Would I with a trans woman? It completely depends on the person. I have come across one I was attracted to. ive had a rigid preference for women shorter than me but I fell for someone taller than me and that prior ‘dealbreaker’ flew out the window, so it’s completely dependent on the person. It’s my preference, and a preference is not something prescribed for others and not for others to judge me over ( that’s stepping over someone else's boundary implying moral superiority… not ok!) It’s not “Im not attracted to a person because they are trans”, I’m not attracted to them because I don’t find them to be an attractive person. I can’t fake that but I personally wouldn’t use being trans as an excuse because I wouldn’t just be rejecting them but invalidating their identity as well and that’s stepping over a line. I wouldn’t want it done to me so I wouldn’t do it.

I’m trans. I don’t identify as such but I’m aware of the biological incoherence in my own system even though I had no external influences. There’s a difference between biologically emergent identity and symbolic level identity regardless of symbolic level influence, a biological system will always have an inherent identity. ( incoherence within a system becomes part of that innate identity.) I had no internet growing up. I wasn’t exposed to any lgbt culture, I’d never heard the word trans and I don’t think there was anything other than binary biology at school. There were no doctors in my country at the time who knew anything about it or treated it. my identity was persistent and sustained from 4-5 years old and it became a severe problem at 14. I stayed away from the lgbt or any activism. I did go to check out that scene when I was part the way into my treatment but I was not impressed with the behaviour. I didn’t gel with anyone in that community and figured it was just another culture to conform to. it was more the case for me, get treated correctly and reintegrate back into society as normal so I’m straight male and the condition once treated no longer exists…when I was treated by a competent team, I was diagnosed with a DSD and gender incongruency. No one knows about the condition. I didn’t talk about it, kept up with healthchecks at the doctors but just got on with my life. I see others making a show of themselves, shouting at people and demanding respect ( I understand the anger and frustration in them, I’ve been there…but) you’re heading for a punch in the face behaving like that. being prior to 1990’s when I started having problems, it wouldn't have made a difference in my case, what timeline widespread education happened. I was treated incorrectly in the beginning so the only benefit to growing up post ‘90s is that I would have had access to the proper healthcare and not suffered a rake of issues that could have been avoided. I think I would agree that educating about the different types of people in our species reduces marginalisation but telling kids they can do whatever they want without undersranding complex biological systems is playing into symbolic identity which can fragment someone from innate identity. That’s not a good thing for a regular kid or trans kid either.

I’m in the fellowship of isis. its mixed pseudo Egyptian /celtic druidry but a lot of spiritual circles in my community tend to be mixed culture like Native American, Buddhist, Druid, Christian etc but on the mysticism side. unfortunately on my travels through them, very few people actually know what spirituality or esotericism is. its mostly aging women who dress up in new age robes, do ceremony at the years symbolic quarter cycles and then stroke my hair and feed me cake cause I’m the only ‘young’ man there besides being the only one they’ve ever met to have a god awakening ( not induced by psychedelics)

I’m in the middle of writing a fuller piece on this, but briefly: I understand the issue with ideology, social pressure, and conformity but those operate at the level of symbolic identity (labels, roles, narratives). Conflating that with pre-symbolic identity( what emerges from underlying biological organisation) is a category error. Biological systems can form stable patterns we recognise as identity while still containing internal incoherence. When a system moves to resolve that and become more functionally aligned and efficient increasing its potential, that’s not avoiding reality…it’s responding to it and taking appropriate action. Telling someone with that predicament to just sit there and accept themselves, misunderstands that is exactly what they are doing! Reducing this to delusion or lack of self-acceptance collapses distinct layers into one, and overlooks how biological systems actually work: dynamic, adaptive, and not fixed. The comparison to animals “just accepting reality” also misses the point. Non-human animals do not possess the same level of self-reflective cognition or the capacity to analyse and intervene in their own biological and psychological processes despite having inate intelligent emergent identity. Humans can recognise internal incoherence and respond to it. sometimes medically, sometimes behaviourally which is precisely what makes this discussion possible in the first place. The same confusion shows up in the “trans in sports” debate. It treats sex as a single, fixed property, when it’s actually a cluster of interacting developmental processes shaped by signalling and environment. Puberty does create meaningful differences but it is not the whole system. The relevant question isn’t what category someone is placed in, but whether specific performance-related traits developed, and whether they persist. Individuals who do not undergo their originally assigned puberty and instead develop under a different hormonal environment, do not acquire many of the traits typically cited as unfair advantage so why implement generalised ban? We already see that biology does not follow rigid categories. Conditions like 5-alpha reductase deficiency (guevedoces) show how developmental pathways can shift, leading to male-typical outcomes despite earlier female classification. Other conditions prevent male-typical development entirely, resulting in individuals who remain within female physiological ranges and sometimes completely unaware of the condition ( but those individuals mostly have coherent systems where trans do not. Some are actually trans as well) So reducing the issue to fixed labels like “male” and “female” misses how biological systems actually function as dynamic processes producing a coherent outcome ( recognisable pattern) Because ultimately, you are not just a set of signals or components. you are the integrated result of them: a biological system organising itself toward coherence over time. And it’s also worth being mindful of how this is discussed especially dismissive and invalidating language. For people actually living this as their direct experience, hostile imposition has real consequences. Social pressure can lead to suppression, adaptation over prolonged internal conflict, and eventual deterioration into mental illness. You don’t have to agree or be supportive. But contributing to an environment that increases harm to people already navigating this reality is something we should at least be conscious of.

Yes I’ve seen this too. It’s the ego holding onto an idea as an identity instead of integrating back into the relative experience. It’s a claim of being absolute while in a relative state which is a misunderstanding and bypassing of the relative state. it’s fine when someone is deconstructing and getting excited about non dual understanding or direct experience but it turns into a big problem when that is where it stops as an absolute instead of completing the circle and integrating everything that was deconstructed back into a lived experience, gaining wisdom as a result. Of course I’m just assuming that is what you mean or in some way similar.

Ecstatic dance, singing, paddle boarding and taking psychedelics for pure expression.

It’s interesting what happens when you get language to start self referencing. Nothing ever touches what everyone is talking about so it’s interesting when the words start to turn back on themselves they diminish till you get paradoxical statement that circles forever until it’s realised this is an infinite paradox. Language falls appart and then we step into what lies beyond that. Like a heavy conversation with someone that goes nowhere or heavy, noisy thoughts in contemplation that go nowhere and then suddenly it stops, attention stops focus on the language communicating something and the something comes forward and completely envelops the field of attention like a deafening silence. the direct reality connection happens.

The resting light is only half way after turning away from the objective. Once it’s realised, reintegrate into the experience to develop a harmony with everything. You don’t perpetuate turning away from the objective unless you’re trying to dissolve it. Being able to adapt to situations is part of the balance and harmony with everything. Absolute peace is only when you go back to that state. Being more fluid in the mind allows going into that state more accessible but also being at peace in varying degrees, dissolving is not always necessary. Even when you dissolve the body and world to sleep, the mind creates another body and world to experienced through. It does not always stay in an absolute state of peace. Like a vibrating string, the still string is still it but not it while ‘doing’. Plenty of people walk around claiming enlightenment and ‘floating’ through life not actually engaging but avoiding it.

We know all of this and have moved past it and reintegrated back into reality ( capable of relating to other). They are not claims. They are descriptions using ‘things’, ’terms’, ‘concepts’, ‘metaphors’ and ‘analogies’ from within lived experience ( tangeable) to express and communicate a thought about an ‘intangeable’ being ( not A being but being as a state of inertia/potential that cannot be known due to its indescript and undefined nature. Not a concept derived from contemplation but an actual experience of reality dissolving till it is all that is left at the foundation ) no longer playing games with others about absolutism that cannot be applied at the relative level nor can non duality be used to gaslight the dualistic experience. accepting the human experience is happening ‘now’. All the other layers are there at the same moment but while human interacting normally can point to an experience and understanding of absolute, it doesn’t speak from there even though it’s a part of and encapsulated by it. if you are not interested in communicating or discussing ‘it’ then you are simply creating ‘content’ to draw people into discussion with no other purpose but to flatten and terminate the conversation. What’s the point of that?

Yes. This is when you ‘sit in the absolute’ of which there is nothing you can say because even that is the very formation of mind. however, this is the place of realisation where you sit after deconstructing reality and self where even the ocean of consciousness dissolves. once this phase has been exhausted ( not very long, maybe a year or two as there’s nothing in that ‘state-no state’ to know, you re-integrate everything that was dissolved and have another type of awakening where not just the absolute but everything in experience or mind is also ‘it’. dissolving and realising absolute is only part of the way. Make a full circle back into where you started as a human seeking and recognise all of it as infinity. Not doing this risks nihilism and the dismissal of the lived experience, relational responsibility to the ‘other’ parts of infinity and infinity itself. it maybe described as an imagined dream but it’s not something to be dismissed as mere illusion beyond realisation. That would be existence rejecting its own existence (something a human does when it can’t realise its part of the totality). a great deal of spirituality particularly non duality is falling appart as a certainty amongst study groups at the moment because it’s going nowhere ( sorry no pun intended). love finds itself through its experience not by pretending it’s not happening. ( love being a profound level of acknowledgement, acceptance and allowing that it can simply be ‘being’ or ‘existence’ ( one in the same as infinity)

@Natasha Tori Maru thanks Natasha I appreciate the depth and always open to your point of view. I used to love getting into long proper conversations but I’ve met my exhaustion in the past year.

@Natasha Tori Maru Thank you, Natasha. I appreciate the care and warmth in your response. What’s been sobering for me isn’t the argument itself, but watching how certainty is hardening everywhere and how quickly nuance collapses into repeated ‘slogans’ and how easily conspiracy and incentive-driven narratives rush in to fill the gaps where reflection used to live. After years of recognition and a kind of peace, it’s strange to feel the collective field growing louder and tighter again despite me having done nothing. At times it can feel as though self-erasure would be easier stepping out of the noise entirely if only to spare the less conscious aspects of God from their own discomfort. And yet, I still sense that even a small amount of care, imagination, and honest speech has the capacity to re-pattern reality in subtle ways. So I speak when I can just to keep the space for complexity alive. Thank you for meeting that with respect. Butters is exploring intimacy, love, connection and just a little unsure because of the ‘noise’ circulating at the moment. I’ll always apologise for hate but never for love nor prevent ‘others’ exploration of it.

🙄 I’m a bit surprised by this. You often emphasize how language and concepts distort reality, yet here you’re treating a culturally loaded label (“penis”) as if it maps cleanly onto biology, identity, and sexual orientation. Preferences are preferences not ontological truths. Everyone is attracted to a range, not to “women in general” or “men in general.” What people actually respond to is their own internal prototype. A particular configuration of appearance, affect, presence, and embodiment that they label “woman” or “man.” That prototype already excludes vast numbers of biologically female women and includes traits that are not strictly biological at all. Genital appearance does not define biological sex in a clean binary way. The clitoris and penis are the same dimorphic organ, differentiated by hormonal pathways, enzymes, receptors, and timing. Variations exist on a wide spectrum. There are documented cases where individuals are born with externally female genitalia and develop fully functional male genitalia at puberty due to enzyme differences. These bodies do not fit simplified binary categories, yet they are not pathological. When an organ’s appearance crosses an arbitrary visual threshold, we rename it “penis” and treat it as ontologically decisive. It isn’t. Individual sexual components that have dimorphic potential are not exclusive. Calling attraction “gay” or “straight” based solely on the presence of a single organ is a category error confusing appearance with biology and biology with identity. It is entirely possible and biologically documented for someone to be neurologically female and embodied in a form that does not conform to ‘folk taxonomy’. Labels don’t change that and it also does not follow that a person attracted to them is gay. I’m not raising this as an exception, but as a concrete example of the principles above. I know this from direct experience. I am someone who has been scanned and tested, neurologically aligned with male-typical neuroendocrine development, carries XX chromosomes, had female looking genitalia, and gonadal dysgenesis, meaning I did not have endogenous hormones for enzyme production to continue development at a biologically critical age. I embody both male and female biology, but I am in no way a woman, and I have had extensive surgeries to correct that lack of development for the sake of intimacy in a way that feels natural to me. Not everyone in a similar position will feel the same, and there are “nebulous” reasons for that. My wife is most certainly not gay, and after having had intimate relationships with other men, her experience is that I am no different. Unique, yes but not different from her preference for what she considers a man. Sexual attraction responds to a whole, integrated system not a single anatomical component and personal bias/preference according one’s own ideal has a lot to do with that.

@Butters @Butters human being is a human being. If we can’t experience what it is like to be in that scenario ourselves we can experience it through another’s story which gives us greater perspective on reality. Never mind what others say. When you feel love, allow it to just be. The most beautiful and authentic connections can be found there. ❤️

@Butters ladyboy is what the culture uses as you say for a third gender because of a recognition of a type of person ( transgender as we know it) but there is a large number of young men there who do not identify as women who noticed they could get out of poverty by crossdressing and amusing rich foreigners ( it started with military visitors). They don’t transition but live in a woman’s social role for western attention because they tend to be prettier than western women and have no trouble passing. when I was over there about 9 years ago, I bumped into someone in Bangkok who worked as a ‘ladyboy’ educator. Because I’m somewhat in the ‘trans’ category, I asked her if I could meet and talk to a group there so she brought me out one of the weekend to a club where she knew some hang out. I asked a bunch of questions when I noticed a difference between two types. She confirmed that the transgender women ( who were on one side) didn’t really mix with the ladyboys because they were there to make money by ‘amusing’ the customers not genuinely dating. But when I talked to the ladyboys ( couldnt help myself) they said several of their friends actually did transition because the partner they picked up were rich, paid for surgery and took them home-permanently. Really nice people but the ones who seemed to be genuinely neurologically female didn’t mix with them. The woman who I met that brought me there said they call them all ladyboys that it’s just a cultural normality but there are different types. I was curious because I noticed something similar at home about 25 years ago. There are different types. I don’t dismiss any of them for their differences but there are those genuinely derived from a biological variation and others rising out of other types of motivating pressures. plenty other factors I’m sure.

‘Trans women’ are neurologically female. ‘Ladyboys’ on the other hand are likely to have started crossdressing for making money and are neurologically male. That’s not to say there aren’t some transgender women amongst them. i wouldn’t be worried about what a person is but rather who they are. I’ve surprised myself opening up and accepting people as they are. I am oriented toward fully female but it hasn’t stopped me really liking some trans women and also men who are really nice people. if I look at myself and notice my body wasn’t really a choice I made, just something to ferry my mind around, I start to become more concerned with the confidence and authenticity of the being and not the body ( that part will dissolve and go back to the earth) the being part… well.. that’s what they and I shall go back to so I’m really just loving myself at the end of the day. I don’t deny myself or anyone else their preferences though. In life that what we’re here to explore.

Wow. Philosophy without love becomes violence. Spirituality without embodiment becomes cruelty. What I am witnessing in this thread is not serious ontology, but abstraction divorced from lived reality. I am not arguing about this topic from theory. I am the lived, embodied phenomenon being discussed here. Not one person in this thread appears to be speaking from direct experience of the condition under debate, from participation in clinical or biological study, or from an ontological investigation that includes embodiment. And yet an entire category of human beings is being flattened into a conceptual dispute, with little awareness of the consequences of doing so. I do not need to prove my existence. I am that. My body already contains both male and female biological components which is not surprising if one understands that the human body is sexually dimorphic, and that male and female structures are not mutually exclusive absolutes. They differentiate from the same initial structures, the same source/species blueprint, just as multiplicity unfolds from the One in the universe itself. If my existence feels chaotic or distressing to someone, that does not indicate a problem with reality, It indicates a problem with the map being used to interpret it. Should I erase myself because my existence does not fit a simplified model? I didn’t lose something tonight. I briefly stepped into a colder layer of the world. one in which parts of the whole have forgotten what they are, and respond to complexity by fighting existence rather than acknowledging, allowing, and loving it. As consciousness expands, people develop more nuanced and complex maps of reality not because they become absolutely right, but because they grow capable of perceiving and holding more of infinity. This process is ongoing. When people begin to see the limits imposed by social and conceptual constructs, those constructs loosen. Understanding may be partial or more complete, but deeper understanding necessarily opens one to the genuine complexity of the human body, rather than retreating into reductive binaries. If this forum is truly concerned with truth, ontology, unity, and awareness, then lived reality cannot be excluded in favour of abstraction. Truth is not threatened by complexity. Only fragile maps are. At an absolute level, everything can be dismissed as illusion: form, identity, even physicality itself. But when one reforms back into lived reality, dismissing everything becomes a way of blocking oneself from acknowledging existence in its totality, its unity, and its diversity ( the infinity of form.) When people describe things as social constructs, they are not denying reality. They are seeing through conceptual maps rather than mistaking them for the thing itself. Loosening those maps does not erase what exists; it can allow reality to be understood more clearly. Some people take this too far and dismiss lived experience altogether, which is a mistake. Others loosen definitions without denying reality, and in doing so gain a deeper understanding of it. The backlash against this often comes from identity being threatened when familiar definitions begin to fall apart not from careful ontological inquiry. At the absolute, I am not male or female. I am awareness: indefinable, intangible, infinite. But when distinctions arise, I understand their formation. I no longer feel compelled to justify them or fight them. I accept them and step fully into the embodiment of lived experience, because everything that appears, appears as life. Everything simply is. I have analysed my own psyche and biology to oblivion. None of it disappears or magically changes when I return from the absolute. What changed was not my body, but my relationship to identification. My body still persists in what I can best describe as an intersexed state, whether I like it or not, and I have taken every effort to align it with my neurology so it functions as efficiently as possible within my own expression and in how I relate to others according to the era and culture I find myself in. if this were another time and place with no support, I would most certainly be dead. I no longer cling to labels like “trans,” not out of denial, but because they are not always morphologically precise and as it turns out, not only do I have a genetic mutation only found in male controls and ftm transgender/sexuals, that is known to be a part of neuroendocrine pathway development, I also have a DSD ( gonadal dysgenesis) where I was initially forced to take female hormones in my teens that left me in a completely dysfunctional state wanting to die. I dissolved enough certainty to question what I truly knew — and in doing so, I discovered not only the nature of the body I am experiencing, but also a deeper understanding of what sex actually is. I have no problem with traditional constructs. I participate in them fully and respectfully and understand their purpose. In this life, as a human, I am a man and I love women. Am I traditionally conditioned? No. I dissolved that. And when I resolved again and aligned with what I experience as my authentic self informed by my biology and neurology, it falls within the typical, though neurodivergent, male range. I have a loose enough identity that I could choose something else but it would not be authentic to me. At the same time, I do not judge or dismiss those who do not biologically or conceptually fall within traditional parameters and therefore require expanded language to articulate their own unique variation. When a greater range of contrasting experiences and perspectives is allowed, acknowledged, and learned from, reality gains higher definition — more resolution with which to know itself. Unity is not threatened by diversity. It is revealed through it.