TheCloud

What are your top messiest issues?

First of all, emotions are normal. What you're going through is not something that needs to be rejected, or rather, rejecting it might make it worse. Second, what do you do to manage your mental health? You need to find something you can reliably sit down and do to work through things like this.

Good for you! Opportunities aren't always about what we deserve, but what we take action on.

My advice is to focus on your own ability to recognize and accept opportunities with an open mind. They may be few and far between, but even if you're neurodivergent, as long as you are meeting new people and situations, opportunities will appear before you. What matters then is whether you can accept them and are you ready. Are you decisive? Have you honed your strengths, challenged your weaknesses, and kept your mind as open as you need the minds of others to be for you? I'll say it again; unexpected opportunities WILL appear before you, without warning and often with very little time to act. Don't worry about if; prepare for the inevitable when.

I'm moving away from insisting on a mechanically comprehensible meaning of life. The meaning of my life is whatever I'm doing right now. My reason to keep living is to keep doing whatever that happens to be. I know I'm going to die one day, but I don't know when or how. Insisting on knowing everything ultimately leads to insisting on knowing when and how I'm going to die, which is simply an act of suicide.

The main problem I see is anything you two are doing that can't be shared with her husband. Assuming he's not abusive and is mentally stable, the ideal is that she should be able to share anything you two are doing with him. Strict monogamy is ridiculous precisely because it creates situations like this, where men and women following natural feelings but unnatural rules form twisted connections. My first question is; what is her growth potential, as you perceive it? If you talk about honesty and integrity and open relationships and personal growth with her, how much of it can she comprehend? It's only possible to take this relationship from where it is to a healthy place if the people involved can and are willing to comprehend what "healthy" really means and that what they have now is unhealthy.

Same here. Earplug + eyemask has noticeably improved my sleep quality.

Victims imply perpetrators. Who is the perpetrator in this scenario?

Suicide is extreme, and so far as I know, irrevocable. What less extreme options have you tried? Have you given away your possessions and gone on a pilgrimage? Have you tried fasting meditation? Have you tried it again? Have you tried moving somewhere else; if you're in the city, to the country; if you're in the country, to the city; if you're in the east, to the west, or vice versa? Have you tried psychedelics? Have you tried them under spiritual guidance? Have you looked for a different job? Have you openly violated oppressive social norms? My point isn't that you should do all or any of these things. My point is; think about how your fixation is specifically on suicide, when reason would dictate that there are invariably more options to be considered if you are even marginally healthy in body. If you just wait a while, you're going to die anyway. Why insist on receiving early what is already guaranteed?

How do people see you? What are people thinking when they see you? Who are these people?

I'll just put this out there; intrusive suicidal thoughts, once begun, are non-rational. I have a friend who had never been depressed or had a suicidal thought until he was in his late thirties and hurt his shoulder. It was nothing major that couldn't improve with physical therapy and certainly not a disaster to end one's life over, but he was and always had been materially and psychologically dependent on having a strong body, so he started on a downward spiral where he stopped eating, drank heavily, and openly talked about going out back with a rifle. Over time, his shoulder got better, and so did his mood. His suicidal thinking had a reason behind it, but I can't really call it rational. I myself, after being triggered by prolonged verbal abuse and neglect in my adolescence, had regular intrusive thoughts of ending my life until my early thirties, when they went away without any explanation. I just noticed one day that I hadn't had a suicidal thought for a few weeks. Nothing else had changed, I wasn't noticeably happier or wealthier or more enlightened, but I didn't think about my death anymore without deliberate effort. My point is that the reasoning behind thinking of killing yourself is arbitrary. Anyone could be triggered to think about suicide over any kind of loss or upset, depending on their personality. Your reasoning for suicidal ideation seems to me to at least be more reasonable than hurting your shoulder, but the fact is that someone else might go through what you went through and not think of suicide at all. Your circumstances are irrelevant, excepting that they are what triggered you. You're trying to reason your way through something that is not rational; there is no tipping point where you are supposed to or must commit suicide for any kind of reason. Whether you live or die is an arbitrary result of the fact that for billions of years, every single one of your ancestors without exception is the one who lived to reproduce. Suicidal thoughts are certainly a part of your suffering, and add to it. There's no greater meaning to them beyond that, though, other than that they are a window into the specific nature of your own consciousness.

A truth which silence defends as well as words. So, in the interest of duality, I have to say I'm curious as to what makes you say so much about so little (non-duality being a matter for which significance is not possible)? Because you have to admit, you've had a lot to say.

@Someone here Does one who obtains happiness directly then stop eating, drinking, smoking, gambling, etc.? Or, are they satisfied by anything, regardless of quality or content?

@Princess Arabia To me, it sounds as if you've had an epiphany. If so, and if you don't mind saying, what specifically happened? Also, does it and how does it relate to unconditional love?

If you haven't already, be fully honest, at least with your private self, on how deleterious your mother's behaviors have been/are to you. It takes two dysfunctional parents to make a dysfunctional household. Be honest with how harmful your father's behavior was, and how harmful your mother's was in accepting or allowing it. Imagine you had a child, and your parents were putting that child through what you went through. That's how upset you need to be. Then acknowledge and work through those emotions, which are your real feelings on the matter.

Look at reality, and accept it. You went into the forest with a gun, intent on ending your life, and you came back alive. You had the chance to die, and you lived. That's not weakness. It's not because you were too cowardly to go through with it. That happened because you want to live. That is reality. You say that your connections all fall apart, but here you are building connections. You're trying to live, and not just survive, but truly get something out of life. From what I understand, you know you've been messed up a lot by the cult and your parents, and the truth is, you might be the only person who is fully there for you right now. Healthy people form healthy relationships with other healthy people. They don't look for messed up people unless it's their job or calling, and even then they might draw a line, because messed up people don't know how to maintain healthy boundaries, and because while it's easy to get dragged down, it's really hard to drag someone up. But you're still alive, and you know you chose that. Your parents or the cult, or whatever voices you've internalized in response to them, might call you weak and cowardly and foolish. It's the voices of troublemakers, people telling you that you are here in your very own body and mind on sufferance, and you only might just barely be good enough if you get whipped into shape. But you better watch out, because everything you have, you've been given by an unscrupulous lender who doesn't have set interest rates, but rather demands anything and everything you have to give while asserting that it's not enough and never will be, because you're no good right now and better work hard if you ever want to be any good. The reality is, though, that you are fully welcome to your body and mind, for free, forever. Which isn't to say it won't break down or fail at some point, but until it does, it's gratefully yours. Any voice that tells you different is a troublemaker trying to stir something up. It's a matter of perspective where you can freely choose; parasite, or guest; unfinished, or whole; intruder, or inner circle. Truth is, no matter how hard you work, no matter how great your achievements, no matter how much you surpass your origins, you will never love yourself until you choose to love yourself, and when you make that choice, it will have nothing to do with your work or achievements or what you've surpassed. It will be without condition or possibility of condition. People who don't belong are troublemakers; people who do belong are peace-makers. If you say to yourself, "I'm good," the voice that tells you why you're not is a troublemaker. It is not your friend, and it is not your salvation. No matter how smart it is, no matter how right it is, it's a troublemaker. It's not evil, it doesn't need to be killed, it just needs to be sent to the corner with a dunce cap. Anything it says that's smart or right may need to be acknowledged, but it still needs to go to the corner afterward. Even the you right now can practice this. You don't need to have or know anything else in order to love yourself, other than that it's a choice. Anyone who tells you it's a stupid choice is a troublemaker.

The fact that things are so awful is exactly why you need NVC or something like it. Do you understand your own feelings? Do you know how to establish and enforce reasonable boundaries? Do you know what you like, or what you want? Do you know how to interact with normal people? Growing up in an abusive environment, there's a lot you have that you don't want, and a lot you need that you don't have. Right now, your thoughts are so violent and intense that they're damaging your health. You need a healthy channel for your emotions, but you can't do that without tools. You're not in the cult anymore, so you need to learn some tools for understanding, channeling, and communicating your emotions. Did you know that you can apply NVC, or any other kind of communication tool, to yourself? It's pretty simple. You already interact with various people in your imagination. Just imagine that there's another you, who represents whatever issue it is you currently want to address, then communicate with them according to the tools you're using. 1- Hey, meta-male, what kind of problem are you having? 2- Man, my parents are just the worst. Like, literally. They're awful. 1- That sounds pretty bad. So what are you doing now? 2- Well, I tried to get away from them, but I'm so messed up from their cult that I don't know how to live a good life. I wish they would just die. 1- I take it that you're feeling upset. 2- That's an understatement. I'm furious, and wish for intense harm on those who I despise. 1- So what do you need to address your upset feelings? 2- If I can't kill anyone, I have no idea. 1- Then lets try to come up with some answers. There must be some action, or series of actions, that can resolve this. This is an example of the kind of conversation you can have all by yourself. If continued, eventually 1 and 2 would work together to find out what needs are attached to your emotions. If you're not getting anywhere in dealing with other people, then the best method is one where you just deal with yourself. Then no one gets hurt, and you don't have to be afraid.

I don't want to be all downer. From what you say, it sounds as if you're open and conscientious with her, and she with you. If you stay open to objections, and she isn't objecting, then that's a good thing. The reasons this kind of age-difference relationship is frowned upon may not apply to your situation. Any relationship has an inherent risk of both parties getting hurt. It's not guaranteed that she won't get more hurt if you reject her, especially if you flush a mutual thing for the sake of something like your reputation. I don't have any realistic knowledge of what it takes to make your situation work, or when to call it off. I'm just saying all I can think of. I hope it all works out for both your bests.

Then I'd say the thing to do now if you haven't made up your mind, might be to have her weigh in on this thread. It's impossible to favorably resolve all the questions in our minds just hearing your side, no matter how pure and forthright you are. The issues with your relationship going forward right now seem to be, for one, circumstantial; she's 17, and been in increasingly intimate contact with you since 15. Also, you do have to be aware that you likely have confidence issues, and so a 17yo might be subconsciously easier for you than a mature woman. This isn't necessarily fatal, but you might need to keep in mind that a reason you're doing this is because it's easy and you're sad. Any of these could be reasons for you to quit, or they might just be things for you to work through. Edit: There are reasons that relationships between minors and adults are poorly regarded. Keep in mind that going through with this means having the determination to go against those reasons.

That might be it, or it might just be the top layer. Something I've come to believe is that for humans who have their basic material needs met, the greatest negative emotional influence is loneliness. If we're not starving or freezing, the thing we want most is to connect. For many, this unacceptable. We don't want to believe that we are beholden to our fellow humans. We want to be secure and singular. But in reality, loneliness is at the bottom of our hearts, and we've despaired of ever satisfying our human connections. Are better opportunities valuable? Sure. I would venture, though, that despair and/or loneliness are far more basic and potent drivers of your current situation. Seeking money and success are easy surrogates in a society that tends to favor a superficial view of human relationships. Going deep means going past that.

I can't help you with hacking your finances, but if you want to go deeper into consciousness, I would suggest learning about emotions. It's a common blind spot, and it's usually where the real problems are when it comes to procrastination and nihilism and the like. Relationships also tie right into that emotion thing. They aren't a backburner thing you can figure you "when you get rich." Your knowledge or ignorance in emotional and relational matters is affecting you big time, right now.

I've been friends with a girl for well over a decade who contacted me online when she was mid-teens and I was somewhere in my mid-twenties. We never had anything sexual happen, though it has come up. So I can say from experience that age-different relationships do have long-term potential. I can also say from (other) experiences that sex can change everything. Maybe ask her straight out of she thinks you're creeping on her. Be honest with her and yourself about where you imagine things going, what her parents might think, what your friends might think. Maybe before crossing the line physically, talk in-depth about what a life together might be like, including the very real challenges. Or maybe she just wants to bang an older dude. Maybe you're the one who'd end up being used. You won't know it until you talk about it. While you can't totally ignore a potential impact on your livelihood and reputation, her intentions, situation, and state of mind are a lot more important. There is no "safe" thing to do with a minor, though. Even if it's legal.

Emotional work is hard. It seems as if it would be easier to kill or die, than to be honest with someone who hurt you. Communicating your suffering is an essential skill and allowance, that you were largely denied. I'm guessing that expressing your suffering either fell on deaf ears, or resulted in punishment, or was misinterpreted in a twisted way. There was no one to look you straight in the eye and simply accept that you were hurt and what was hurting you. Letting that suffering out in a constructive way is an essential part of communication, and you need to be able to do it with anyone who is in your inner circle of relationships. Most people are mediocre at it even if they have lived normally. Since the methods of communication you grew up with are obviously dubious, one resource that might help you is Non-Violent Communication (NVC). It's a structured protocol for how to communicate your feelings and needs. There are plenty of books and Youtube videos and such if you care to look into it. You would be surprised at how often you don't really know what emotion you're feeling. You'll think you're angry, but you're actually hurt. You'll think your frustrated, but you're actually jealous. Communication starts with knowing what's inside. Then you need to resolve yourself to get it out. Then the hardest part might be, having said your piece, believing you have been or will be heard. https://www.cnvc.org/about/purpose-of-nvc https://davidya.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/feelings-needs-inventories1.pdf

Your story is, essentially, one of a person experiencing psychosis ending up in a psychiatric ward. Without mitigating details, that could very easily be mistaken for a good idea. The story is very one-sided in its telling.

I'm thinking more that my voice is my value and means of survival. It's what I need, and it's not something trivial or secondary. I'm someone who lives best by communicating. I'm not centrally suited for craftsmanship, leadership, care-taking, adventure or risk-taking. I'm suited for communicating, but my voice has become suppressed. I spent too long without any outlet, and now I'm middle-aged yet lacking skills in my central competency. Thinking about it, I've concluded that one central necessity for communication in any healthy relationship is the conveyance of suffering. It's a fundamental necessity, and it's something I often don't do, and can't do with grace. I have a friend who's a writer, the emotionally-honest and literary-minded sort. I've been recently learning from him that writing, and communication in general, is believing that my message is or will be part of a meaningful relationship and exchange. Over time, I've become dishonest. Not just in the sense of speaking untruths, but being generally disengaged, speaking only as a means of deflecting conversation away from myself, precluding the possibility of my even needing to be honest. And in that dark space that I create, I become someone who matches the darkness and who would be ugly if shed light upon, creating a vicious cycle of ugliness and darkness. It seems pretty obvious to me how I became this way. The frightening thing is; what will I say if I'm honest? I can't know that ahead of time, just as life can't be lived ahead of time. Most communication is spontaneous, and it's fairly useless to expect a truly predictable result. Part of the point is to cast aside rigid forms, and become a product of the moment. After all, I may not even live to see any prediction I make, accurate or no.