Spiritual Warrior

A lot of good answers here. For me, I would rather navigate through life with an understanding of Truth, rather than being blind as a fucking bat and swinging at things randomly. It's nonsensical to me to live like this. And I do think that it will make my life experience more enjoyable in the long run.

I'm sorry that you had such a dysfunctional family dynamic growing up. You didn't deserve that :/. And you're right, kids are fragile and should be nurtured with love. As an adult, you're quest will have to be finding ways to give that love to yourself, the love that you didn't receive as a kid. And now that you are aware of this dynamic, you could even make a life purpose out of it and find a way to help other kids or families that are in similar situations. Best of luck to you.

I can't wait for this realization

I am currently contemplated what Nothingness is metaphysically. If you'd like the exercise, attempt to explain what Nothingness is on a metaphysical level. Thank you

Transcending the Spiral, Entry #19, The Quantum Crawl into Stage Two Thinking, April 6, 2025 I would like to journal about where I am at in the spiral nowadays. Since my last post, I broke up with my girlfriend and I started working 60+ hour weeks as a substitute teacher and a ballroom dance instructor. I want to make ballroom dance my career path and this is what I have to do right now to make ends meet. There is no possible way that I could have balanced my intimate relationship with all of the working that I'm doing. I am sorry *****, I really did love you and I wish you the best through the rest of your life, you deserve anything and everything that you want. As a recap, back in March of last year, I started to take a look at what it is going to take to make the quantum leap into stage two thinking. At that time, I was convinced that I was ready for the leap but I was sorely mistaken, I had many blind spots to fill first (or selfish desires we may want to call them.) In September, I had just broken up with my girlfriend and also had an "animalistic" shrooms trip in which I was fully unleashed, barking and saying anything and everything I wanted. I then started feeling like I wanted to integrate stage red into my system. Since then, I have calmed down quite a bit. Nowadays, I am getting a handle on my finances, very much in stage orange mode, being strategic in order to get out of debt and create a nice financial foundation for myself. I always work a lot and I have pulled back from socializing with my friends. A lot of my free time nowadays (which is very little) is being used to read spiritual books such as The Book of Not Knowing and I am a Strange Loop. I don't see the benefit of socializing right now. I don't see the benefit of dating either. Both things seem like a waste of time given the strides that I would like to make in my spiritual conquests. And socializing is EXTREMELY distracting. It completely clashes with my spiritual pursuits and I am keenly aware of this. I honestly have come a long way on the spiral in the past year. I used to be a lot more concerned with my status as a man, posting things on social media to get attention and being overly concerned with how women see me. I don't care so much about these things anymore. My attention is more focused on being a more loving person, on being a more mature personal, on being someone that is capable of making a large impact on the world. This is more my focus and it feels great, it is very liberating to not think about my own success so much. The spiritual work and most importantly gaining the insight that the self image that I hold of myself is completely fabricated has allowed me to not worry about myself as much. Of course I still have lots to work on but I can clearly see the limitations of thinking about how I am being viewed. It's as if I can look out into the world now and go about my business without having the need to manipulate my environment so that others see me in a positive light. These thoughts don't cross my mind so much anymore. I am acting more authentically. And if I act inauthentically I can usually see it happening and it frankly grosses me out. This is you transcending out of the needy- orientation and into the being-orientation. Congratulations-fuckin-lations. You are on your way. It hasn't been a quantum leap into stage two thinking, it's been a very slow crawl and I have much farther to go.

I have been thinking recently... Where are we all going? What is the point of this thing called life? We must be going somewhere... The answer to this question lies within the spiral of spiral dynamics. The goal for all of us is to climb up the spiral and fully integrate each stage on the way up. The higher you climb, the closer to God and truth that you get. I want to help my friends move up the spiral. I don't want to manipulate the people within the friend group for my selfish gains, I want to manipulate the entire system, so that they all, individually move up the spiral at their own pace. This requires me to understand where each person is at and what they need to do in order to fully integrate a stage and then transcend it. I will also need to develop myself along the spiral simultaneously so that I can better help them. This plan also requires me to start tapping into stage yellow. In order for me to change a system, I will need to understand how a system works. I am talking about a single human being as a system here, and also the friend group itself as a system, which I will have to understand more clearly in order for there to be real change. I need to first understand where each player is at on the spiral. Do they have any red? Orange? Blue? Green? Any yellow? What does each person embody? What do they enjoy doing? What are they working on or need to work on? (I am not using their real names for privacy) For reference, we are all about 27 / 28 years old right now. Listed below are the main players within the friend group. There is a hierarchy to this. I am going to put Pablo at the top. He hosts the most, is very close with all of the top players of the friend group. I would consider myself his right hand man. (its possible that I am being biased here, I will try to more consciously look at this matter) I am the best at schmoozing with everyone. I am the closest with the people at the bottom of the friend group. He is closest with the people at the top. My role is to make them feel included. His role is to plan and organize things. I trigger stage green empathy and stage orange charisma for this, he triggers stage orange planning and also has the best sense of humor, probably also a stage orange trait. Pablo - Has fully integrated red at a young age. He got into a fight in high school while standing up for what he believed was right, and has had several altercations with authority figures in which he was standing up for what he believed in. I feel safe while he is around. Has integrated blue very nicely as well, he has strong family values, strong loyalty, has self-discipline (although could maybe use a little work), he does tend to engage in "white lies" but he has improved upon this over the years. (White lies show lack of empathy and a willingness to manipulate other people) Has not fully integrated orange yet, he does have a house, a nice car, and seems to be well off. But he is still a penny pincher. This means that he is not living in abundance with his finances. Its as if he has been stagnant financially ever since he bought his house a couple of years ago. Green - Not a big hugger, eye contact is good. Has never done yoga. Does not eat healthy. Does show empathy towards others, but mainly kids, women, and the elderly. Struggles to give out love and empathy towards other men. Summary on Pablo: Seems to have nicely integrated red and blue and is done with those two. He is now stagnant at orange, needs to work that out. Honestly, I think that getting him to dive right into green would be very beneficial to him. Get him to a yoga class. That's the first step. Myself - Red- Has not fully integrated red yet. He is still small, has not worked out enough to build real muscles. Does not always say how he feels so that he will get approval from other people. Blue - Has not fully integrated blue either - Work ethic and self - discipline are not great. Is fairly loyal towards his friends and family. Orange - is not financially independent, is in credit card debt, does not have a house or even an apartment, does not have a serious girlfriend or a nice car. Green - Has integrated green nicely. Was a vegan for 2.5 years. Goes to yoga. Eats healthy food. Has done psychedelics. Gives out a fair amount of hugs. Is triggered by ugly stage red antics, such as animal abuse and racial inequality. Yellow - Has ambitions to integrate yellow's systems thinking, but I'd say does that have any integration of yellow just yet. Summary of myself: Although I have a lot of work to do on the red/blue/orange front. While I am working out those kinks, I will be able to simultaneously show my friends what stage green is all about - I want to get them to engage in these activities, such as hiking, yoga, healthy food, psychedelics, and being more loving towards others. Ant - Red - I know that in his rugby days in college and football days before that, he must have had to trigger red at times. I also know that he would have these crazy drinking and fighting competitions in college at his rugby parties. This screams red to me. I know he has also kicked people out of his parties in college, is also a big dude, definitely worked out for a while in his hay day. He shoved one of our other friends to the ground one time for "crossing a line" - It was controversial, but this shows that he is willing to trigger red and assert his dominance. (this was like 4 years ago) I think he's fully integrated red and transcended it. Blue - Has to wake up every morning at the same time. Has good loyalty and good family values. Orange - does have a house, a nice car, has fixed up the house, makes good money, shows good charisma, Green - Does have a good amount of green. Uses the word love a lot. Asks me if I need a hug sometimes. (I never do that) Is very caring and empathetic to the feelings of his friends, although I do notice that he misses the cues of his girlfriend when she is upset. Has never gone to yoga. Eats somewhat healthy. Drinks kombucha sometimes. Does still drink alcohol a lot. Summary for Ant: He seems very well integrated on all fronts. Am I missing something or is he ready to start moving over to yellow? He actually may have integrated more green than myself. I am unsure how to handle him. Paco - Definitely some red. His fighting history and interest in the UFC and the WWE is evidence of this. Does he have enough red? Yes. Does he have enough blue? No. I think he could use an increase in his self-discipline and work ethic. He is inconsistent and tends to slack off, not wake up on time. He is lazy in soccer, does not get back on defense, which is evidence towards not being a team player. Does he have enough orange? No. He is living with his parents right now and therefore not financially independent. He has orange-like traits in his money grabbing and ego-centric ways. His charisma and strategic thinking could use some work. Does not have very much green. Not that into hugging and is just very eco centered. He cares about his friends and loved ones, but doesn't care about strangers. Not very accepting of the transgender community. Still uses homophobic slurs. Summary - He is way too ego centric. He will have to integrate the more communal and loving stages of blue and green. If I can introduce him to stage green more, I think that will go a long way. Hug more, invite him to yoga, etc. Overall summary: Several other people within the friend group will need to be analyzed, but this is a good start. What can I do right now to help these folks? Get them to go to yoga with you. Or go on a hike, be more loving, flash green in front of them, get your hands on some psychedelics.

Wander around! I did that for a while, it was a great experience. You will learn a lot about yourself and about reality. Godspeed

Lol

Interlude: Wat am I Really? What am I really? I am a collection of thoughts. These thoughts create a story of what this person is and identifies with. For example, I am a dance instructor. I am popular, always have been. I am well liked. I am a good looking young man. I am athletic. I have blonde hair and a red beard. I am funny and witty but like my alone time. I am a high quality individual and any woman would be lucky to have me in their life. But these are all just beliefs about myself. I don't know what I truly am, at a metaphysical level. I don't know what anything is really. What is a chair? You can point to the chair and say that it is called a chair and that it is used for sitting, but that does nothing to explain it's real nature. Here lies a problem. We don't know what anything is at a very real level. Now what do we do about this?

Ballroom dance instructor

Interlude: Why do we want to escape? I mean how can I blindly trust the scientists and teachers of the world, they are the same as me. What makes their contemplations any different than mine? We are all blind to the Truth. No human can possibly understand the entire scope of Truth, it is just too massive. It's beyond comprehension.. yet this is what we strive for. Spirituality is a mastery process, it never ends, it goes on forever and ever. The Truth goes on for infinite times in infinite directions. The human mind cannot possibly fathom this in its entirety. The awakenings that we have are experiences of looking through a tiny peephole into the True nature of reality. But it is just a peep hole. We are limited by our bodies and especially by our minds. Now how do we get out of this cage that we have willingly trapped ourselves in? And why would we want to escape anyways? It's cozy in here

Fail 1000s of times, then we can talk The best book Ive read about this topic is The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. Awareness alone of the ego backlash will get you through the changes, it just takes time.

I experienced this to a tee on shrooms. My mind was bombarded by an infinite loop of thoughts and pictures and scenes. The scenes felt and looked very "real." There was no way out of the loop no matter how hard I tried to get out of it. The scariest part was that my self identity was completely gone, I didn't know who I was anymore. And since I had no identity that I was trying to maintain, I did things that were not socially acceptable such as barking in public, trying to rip my girlfriends top off, attempting to jump through the gps screen and peeing my pants. I was completely unhinged. Luckily I was in the company of people that genuinely care about me and they were able to control me and accept what I had done. I appreciate your take on the experience.

I experienced this to a tee on shrooms. My mind was bombarded by an infinite loop of thoughts and pictures and scenes. The scenes felt and looked very "real." There was no way out of the loop no matter how hard I tried to get out of it. The scariest part was that my self identity was completely gone, I didn't know who I was anymore. And since I had no identity that I was trying to maintain, I did things that were not socially acceptable such as barking in public, trying to rip my girlfriends top off, attempting to jump through the gps screen and peeing my pants. Luckily I was in the company of people that genuinely care about me and they were able to control me and accept what I had done. I appreciate your take on the experience.

That's fair. Honestly for me, I just read every book on Leo's book list. I rarely read anything else. Maybe that's cause Im a fan boy. But I also realize that finding the most powerful, life altering books is challenging and I think Leo has done the dirty work already in finding the books that line up with Truth the most.

I don't know what kinds of books you're reading but I have gotten infinite wisdom from some of the books that I have read. Hearing other people points of view about the human experience is very valuable. Not to mention the golden nuggets that you can contemplate from a master in his or her own field. I think reading books is essential for someone that wants to be multi perspectival and well educated. Reading in combination with meditation and contemplation is how you truly actualize yourself to the Truth in my opinion.

Hmmm... Interesting. You may be right. I'll have to contemplate this further. However, changing the system is no easy endeavor. The system is in place for a reason and it has its own self-survival agenda. Someone that wants to make real change has to keep the system in tact as they get into a place of power to be able to make real change. A total and immediate overhaul would cause for complete chaos. Just like an immediate and complete awakening without a period of integration would cause for complete chaos in an individuals mind. Check out the book "Collision with the Infinite" by Suzanne Segal for an example of this.

I love the ending of this video: "But without power, you can affect nothing." So true, if you really want to make an impact on the world then you have to understand and play the game.

Is this rooted in Truth? I don't fucking know. What is Truth anyways?

Is my life purpose rooted in Truth? Well first, what is my life purpose? My life purpose is to become enlightened. To maximize my level of consciousness. This will open the door for me to make as big of an impact on people as I possibly can. To be able to enhance systems in this world in order for humanity to evolve. This is my purpose in life, to go as far as humanly possible in this consciousness work and then to be able to bring it down to a human level so that I have the ability to guide others towards where they are meant to go in life. That is why I need the duality of the "lower" and "higher" self in my other journal, Spiritual Autolysis. The higher self is the enlightened being, aka where I am headed. The lower self is the current me, where I am at right now and he has insecurities, issues, concerns, he's very emotion, and he has thoughts constantly bombarding his head. He's a mess, but a loveable one.

Bingo. This is how a human operates.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #63 - Mar 29, 2025 9:16 PM CHAPTER TITLE: Higher Self has a Meltdown Summary: The characters start to become aware of their own self-construction Higher self: Hi, how are you today? Lower self: I am good, just busy doing lower self stuff. Higher self: oh okay.... What exactly are "lower self stuff?" Lower self: Thinking. That's what I've been doing, I feel like it's all that I do. Think. And feel. Think. Feel. Think. Feel. It feels like that is all that I am, this floating ball of consciousness that has an endless stream of thoughts and emotions. Higher self: oh well okay then. Yeah, if that's what you feel like you are, then yeah good for you. Lower self: Thanks, I had to get that off of my chest. Higher self: I'm happy for you. Now what is a statement that is true? True beyond a singular doubt. Lower self: This water bottle is green. Higher self: *Looks taken aback* This water bottle is green??? That's the best you can come up with! I've waited two weeks to hear that?! *Looking dumbfounded* the water bottle is green... First off, water bottle is a concept, it is a label that was given to an object so that it can be identified and categorizing and given value to. Green... What the fuck is even that?*Using a mocking voice* Green. The color green is a label that has been given to an object that is seen by the human eye to have a shade that is similar to the color of grass or a forest or broccoli. It was invented so that we can distinguish one color as opposed to another. Pfft .. this water bottle is green. There is not an ounce of truth within that statement. Try again. Lower self: okay. Give me a second .... I.... I exist. I do in fact exist. I know this because I am moving my fingers, typing on a tiny little phone keyboard in order to write down a conversation that I am having in my own head. This is what I am doing and it is me that is experiencing it. There. I am fully aware that I do in fact exist. *Looks at higher self for reassurance* Higher self: I exist *scratches his chin* If I exist then that would mean that we exist. Then again I am just a voice inside of your head. But then again, who am I referring to when i say "your." *Higher self stares off into the distance, looking confused* Lower self: Yeah I don't know who you're referring to as your.. I am not running the show here. Higher self: What are you talking about? Then who's running the show here? *Growing frustrated* Lower self: My emotions and my thoughts are running things. I have no actual control over any and all behaviors and actions. In a sense I am a selfless being already because I have no control over what I am doing. Higher self: what are you talking about? Of course you have control. Lower self: I don't feel like I have control. I feel like I just do things without any real reason. It's as if I'm on auto pilot and I have been since I was born. That's why I should just let go. Let go of all control. And allows myself to float on down this beautiful river of mystery. Higher self: Why would you want to let go? Aren't you afraid of what will happen to you? Lower self: Yes. I am afraid. Higher self: Afraid of what exactly? *Lower self goes into contemplation mode* Lower self: I am afraid of losing something. Higher self: Afraid of losing what exactly? Lower self: I am afraid of losing... *Sits there in silence for a minute* ... My identity. Higher self: Ahhh okay. Now we're getting somewhere. And what is an identity? Lower self: An identity is a structure that I have built in my own mind in order to describe myself. I feel like I am different than all of the other creatures and things in this world. I identify with this body that is sitting here typing words on a screen. Anything outside of this body`s experience is "out there" and " other than me." Higher self: Now, tell me this higher self, what makes your perspective different than mine. Lower self: Ohhhh. That's a juicy question! Nice one dude! *Higher self gives lower self a high five* *Lower self smiles sheepishly* Higher Self: Now why are you say so self conscious? Why can't you confidently accept the praise and just be yourself? Lower self: Hold on a minute, what is the difference between you and me? Why do you act so confident and I don't? And are we both part of this "identity" that this "I" has constructed for itself? Higher self: I'm sorry, I just get so passionate about helping you. *Starts to settle in* Okay, let's take it from the top. I am a character that is located in this body's head. But I am imaginary. You can picture me as this tiny little version of myself that is able to zoom his perspective out so that he can see things from an objective viewpoint. It's as if I am in this Absolute realm. I am detached from outcome, from emotions, anything that makes you human, I am not attached to. That's what makes me... me. Lower self: Okay, then what am I as the lower self character in this story? Higher self: You are also a fictitious character that was created inside of this body's head. But what makes you different than me is that you have access to the feelings and thoughts and overall the human experience that I do not have access to. That is the only difference between you and I. I am not better than you. I fully accept and love you exactly as you are right now. You are perfect. Lower self: But are we both really the same thing because this I body is one entity, correct? And we are both inside of it. *Looks sad* I just don't really understand what I am though. Like what am I metaphysically? I must have some metaphysical make up. I mean I must be made of something, right? Metaphysically: relating to or concerned with abstract thought or subjects beyond the physical world, such as existence, causality, and truth, or the study of the fundamental nature of reality. Higher self: I don't know, why do we have to be made up of anything? Lower self: What do you mean? Are you saying that we are made up of nothing? What even is that? Higher self: Nothing? I don't know what it is. I literally have no clue. *They look at each other at first deep in thought, then they both grin in an eager way* Next chapter: Discovering Nothingness

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #62 - Mar 16, 2025 5:37 PM Higher self: Alright lower self, what's on the agenda today? Lower self: It is true that emptiness is all that there is. Higher self: What is emptiness? Lower self: Emptiness is a vast space that goes on for infinity. There is nothing in it, it's just an endless orb of silence. Higher self: What about sound? There is sound in the world around you why wouldn't there be sound within this empty void. And aren't we inside of the empty void? Lower self: When did I say there was sound in this world? And to what world are you even referring? Higher self: You hear sound though, you experience sound. Lower self: No I don't. What is it? Explain it to me. Higher self: Sound is... Hmmm... I don't know what sound is. Or I just don't know how to explain it. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Higher self: Does this orb of silence have structure? Lowers self: It is endless so there is no structure. Higher self: How can something have no structure? Doesn't everything have a molecular structure to it? Lower self: What makes a structure molecular? And what is a structure anyways? Higher self: A structure is something that makes a thing concrete, it makes it tangible, so that it can be measured. Does anything not have structure? Lower self: Yes, infinity goes on forever and ever, it has no end, no bottom and no top. Therefore it is without structure. Higher self: But you said that infinity is Truth and that Truth is something that is concrete and true without any doubt. Therefore, if structure is something that is concrete then how can infinity have any structure to it? But then again infinity is Truth and truth is something that is concrete which means that it does have structure. So it has structure and it doesn't have structure. How do we rectify that? Lower self: What is true then? Is infinity structureless? And you are infinity correct? Higher self: What makes me infinite? Lower self: You have no self, this has already been established. The idea of Ben is a concept, it is imaginary. Your entire world is imaginary. Higher self: Then why is there pain? Pain feels very real. Lower self: Pain is not real, it is something that you have made up. Survival is something that is made up. Your entire world is made up. Higher self: But who made it up? Lower self: You did. Higher self: How do you know all of this? Lower self: Because you are infinity. This is what an infinite being would do. It would make things up because it goes on forever and ever. Higher self: But how do I know that I am infinity. What makes it so that I am part of infinity? Why can't I be apart from infinity? Why do they have to be one and the same? Lower self: Because the self image that you have created for yourself. IS NOT REAL. It is NOT Truth. Infinity is truth. Not let's move towards infinity.

Ultimately the self and life are limited forms of Absolute Consciousness - there is no difference between Consciousness, self, mind, or pizza. Turns out it's all Nothing, and the self is Being. It is all a manifestation of the very Consciousness that is realized in enlightenment. A self, however, is designed to live and die in complete ignorance of this Truth. But it doesn't have to stay that way. - from Pursuing Consciousness page 289

The Self and the Thoughts that Make it Up The self is comprised of beliefs about who and what we are. What are some examples in my own life? I am a self. My name is Ben. I am 29 years old. I am a dance instructor. I have good intentions although I do hurt people some times. I have blonde hair. I am a short man. I am an attractive man. I am a good dancer. These are all beliefs that you hold true about yourself. They are all thoughts. Thoughts are a complete fiction, which means that there is nothing true about them. If the self is comprised of thoughts then the self is also a complete fiction. Now I can write this down on paper and guess what, it actually does make sense. However, how do I actually experience that the thoughts and self are a fiction? How is it possible to experience this reality when I am so used to seeing things from the perspective that they are true. I am so attached to this human being that I believe myself to be. He is all that I think about. It's actually quite gross to be honest with you. Why am I so obsessed with him and his life story? It's not even that interesting. It's not enough to logically point these truths out. I have to recontextualize my thinking, yet as of right now I have no idea how to do that. To awaken requires a direct experience into the nature of self and thoughts.