Spiritual Warrior

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #155 Morning routine: Weigh yourself: 5 Shower and groom: 1 Meditate: 1 Drink protein shake: 5 Journal: 1 Night time routine: Brush teeth: 1 Wash face: 1 Whole day goals: NO MORE PORN: 0 Limit 3 songs on spotify: 1 No YouTube: 0

Habits and Disciplines Journal Entry #1 Okay, it is 10.29.25 and I have realized that I have no discipline in my life which is setting me back from accomplishing my goals. Listed below are the habits that I would like to integrate as well as the reason for doing so: 1.Read when I get home (no electronics) this is for the purpose of having better sleep. I also have a larger vision of being very well educated, which starts with reading lots of books. Just a little bit every night will go a long ways 2.No sexual stimulation from internet No sexual stimulation from the internet. I see no benefit in watching porn, I have a history of being addicted to it and have therefore had struggles having an erection with a real woman, this is a no brainer. Stop with this nonsense. 3.Workout at gym 3 days a week Workout at the gym 3 days a week. I want to get really fuckin hot, like really fuckin hot. And the best way to do this as a man is to hit the gym and do it in a strategic and intelligent way. I am going to go 3 days a week, I am going to work out my chest on Monday at 11am - 12pm, this will be barbell bench press, dumbbell incline press, and that one with the cable that stretches your chest, it is going to be 4 sets and the first set is a warm up, so 3 real sets. Next is legs, I would like to use the angled leg Press, 4 sets, then the leg extensions, 4 sets, then use a calf machine, 4 sets again, next is back and arms. I want to start doing deadlifts again, I love deadlifts, then a barbell row and then a dumbell row, I really want to get my back jacked for dance. 4 sets of each again and this will be the workout routine for 3 months. Then I will have a de load week, in which I take the whole week off from weight training and I reevaluate how far I've come. I will also need to measure how much protein and carbs and calories that I am in taking and also weight myself on a daily basis so that I can track my progress 4.No ejaculating for 3 years No ejaculating for 3 years. This has to do with my goal of having sexual abundance in my life. I want to have sex with real woman, not with my own hand. Not ejaculating also gives me more energy to shift my focus into other things in life, such as having a bigger impact on people, reading books, meditating and overall being a healthier human that people look up to. I lead with integrity. 5. Approach and hit on 10 women every week for 1 year Approach and hit on 10 women every week, which would equate to 500 women on the year. This would be a great milestone for me and it would make me very proud. This coincides with the goal of wanting to have sexual abundance in my life. I want lots of sex with lots of women. That is what I genuinely want. I don't want to fake that anymore, I want this and therefore I will have it. Thank you God for allowing me to have an abundance of sex with an abundance of women. - Half time: as you can see, we already have an interrelated system at work, the no ejaculation goal supports the hitting on 10 women every week because not ejaculating will give me more motivation and energy and time to hit on several women a week, on the flip side if I hit on 10 women every week, watching porn and ejaculating becomes a lot less appealing, both cogs in the system are supporting each other. Nice job there. - 6. Eat 150 g of protein every single day I have learned that eating a lot of protein is imperative to building lots of muscle. I want to build lots of muscle in order to become the sexiest man I can be. This is required, therefore I have to eat enough protein. 7. Meditate every morning for 30 minutes moving past physical attractiveness, I want to be attractive in a sense that I am magnetic as a human being, people want to be around me, and I also want to be able to stay present and within the moment both for dance and also for the people around me, such as students and friends and family and co workers. The more I meditate, the higher my consciousness grows, and the more I understand the truth of reality, the more I am able to make an impact on the world. Overall, this is mainly for better mood and mental clarity, the motivation is NOT towards enlightenment, although I predict that is what it will turn into 8. Wake up at 7:30 am every day this challenge has two benefits: 1. It is going to build self discipline and character, and 2. I have to wake up that early in order to get everything done that I want to ( I've already mapped out my schedule accordingly) 9. Brush teeth morning and night this is also building self discipline and it is also for the betterment of my hygienic and overall health and well being. I am also a dance instructor, I work very close to people, therefore it is imperative that I have fresh breath. I may even want to pick up a toothbrush and toothpaste and keep it at the dance studio. 10. Floss teeth every morning another habit for self discipline and overall wellbeing 11. Shower and groom hair every morning this is similar to the last two, it is building character to stick to a habit. The main thing that I'm trying to do with this morning routine is that there are no grey areas here - no - I wake up at 7:30 am, I brush my teeth and floss, then I take a shower, then I groom my hair and beard, then I go downstairs and meditate for 30 minutes on the floor, then I do my push ups and pull ups, which is the next thing on this list and there is no wiggle room, there is no being wishy washy, no I am doing this every fucking day, I don't care if I get kidnapped and wake up in Antarctica, no - I am going to follow the same routine no matter what. Fuck variety - life is chock full of surprises, a routine keeps you grounded and focused and stable - this is the true masculine power - to have the self discipline to stick to this routine 12. Do 3 sets of push ups and 3 sets of pull ups every morning again, this is self discipline and it will also have a cumulative effect in turning me into a sexy, attractive man. I am going to make these things happen every single day like clock work. There are no excuses. It is time to start living with integrity and purpose and direction. This is the desire that I have been suppressing and distracting my self from with spiritual pursuits. I don’t really want to be enlightened, at least not yet. I have been using enlightenment as a distraction for many years because hitting on women and developing discipline in life is scarier and more uncomfortable to me than reading spiritual books and meditating. If I do these things, I will become the quintessential model of healthy masculinity. And this is what I truly want. I want to maximize my masculine energy to its absolute full potential. Then once I hit that peak, I will move into something more selfless, such as spiritual enlightenment, or whatever else I want to pursue. I am going to need a checklist that I have to check off every single day. This needs to be made public so that I can feel the embarrassment of missing a day. I want to do this on actualized.org, my favorite forum. Thank you God for allowing me to become aware of my authentic desire of being a vessel of healthy masculinity in this world. Thank you God for allowing me to create sexual abundance in my life. Thank you God for allowing me to create a life filled with love, laughter, joy, purpose, and gratitude. Listed below is my checklist for the first two days of my challenge. 10.31.25 Morning routine goals: Brush teeth Floss Shower Groom hair Eat breakfast Meditate Work out Night time routine goals: Brush teeth Wash face No electronics before bed "Whole day" goals: No porn No ejaculation Eat 150 g of protein Weekly Goals: Weight lift 3 days a week Approach 10 women I did a good job on everything except for no electronics before bed and eating 150 g of protein. I was on my phone before going to sleep and I am going to have to figure out how to incorporate 150 g of protein into my diet. The weekly goals are going to be assessed at the end of the week on Sunday. I am going to actually keep a counter of how many girls I have approached. I would also like to create a counter so that I can keep track of how many days I consecutively stuck to my habit. The higher the number, the more fulfilled I will feel.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #154 Meditation streak: 1 Drink protein shake: 5 Weigh myself: 4 Brush teeth 2x streak: 0

Good, I want to be held accountable, thank you.

New Chapter in My Life: Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #153 This journal is about training the brain. If you allow your mind to run things, you are in for a hell-ish ride. The mind is lazy and scared and it doesn't want to work hard. It takes you expanding out of your mind so that you can look down at this person sitting here and ask yourself what's the best thing for him? You can zoom out even further too, and ask yourself what's the best thing for this entire group? Then you can expand even further, what's the best thing for this entire community? What's the best thing for this country? How about for the world? How about for the universe? You can ask these questions to yourself, it's just a matter of if you're able to zoom out of your current vantage point. One thing I've realized is it's been really nice getting a break from women in my life. Like holy shit, they drive me crazy. They really do. I am going to start tracking my streaks again, but we're gonna keep it insanely simple for now. I just want a meditation habit. And that's it. I m not adding 8 things here. We do one a time, make sure that one is solid, at least 30 days and then we move on. The funny is that I feel a sense of doubt when saying I'm gonna meditate for 30 days. Well guess what buddy, this is the ONLY thing that you have to do until June 11th. Im not going to force you to do ANYTHING ELSE. All I'm asking is that you meditate for 20 minutes every day. And guess what? I don't even care what kind of meditation it is. Sit there and fantasize about women the whole time if you want. Think about Truth. Release every thought that comes into your head. Watch every thought like a hawk if you'd like. Try to question the thought, ask it what it is, I mean aren't you curious? You know what I've noticed? When I see a woman that I'm attracted to, I cannot look at them in the eyes, my eyes divert away and then come back. Why is that? I am clearly avoiding something. I'm avoiding feeling sexual energy just by look at them. How do I deal with this? Well, you start by meditating... And continuing to value Truth. This means that you care about relative truth as well. I have a new rule for myself, if it doesn't bring me closer to Truth, then I'm not doing it. For tomorrow: 6.30 shower and groom 7.00 meditate 7.30 eat breakfast 8.00 work out (legs) 8.30 visit from nurse 9.00 read books and organize room 12.00 eat lunch 1.00 get picked up to shoot music video 4.00 read book until 5.00 5.00 eat dinner 6.00 work out again (arms and stretch) 7.00 clean room and give yourself a haircut and then read some more of your book 12.00 go to bed and do it all again 5.11.26 Meditation streak (20 minutes):

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #81 ~ Mon May 11 '26 ~ 9:56 AM Now what do I do from here? You keep going FURTHER. That's what's you do. And you continue to do the things you need to do for your dream self, feed him, allow him to feel fulfilled on his desires, but don't allow your mental capacities to overtake your Spirit. The mind needs to be quieted down for self inquiry to truly work. You are destined to be truth realized, believe that. But you are still a human being living in a human beings world, you can't escape that. Even the thought of leaving everything here behind for a whole year one day down the road could be a pipe dream. Yes doing this would probably make things easier to integrate, but it's not going to be easy anyways, whether you're here or not. And the thing is that you have to survive, meaning you have to make money, there is no way around that. I've been realizing that I want to start taking nootropics so that I can increase my mental faculties and overall health. I have to take medication on the daily basis anyways, so might as well add some supplements. I have real tangible addictions and attachments to people and things within this dream state. These things have to go. I am also very selfish at times, with a hugner for vengeance. This also must go. The only thing that should be left is Truth, which is divine, pure, awareness. Thats whats real, all the other crap needs to be taken out with the trash that you take out on a weekly basis. Its ALL FUCKIN TRASH. Get it the fuck out of your head. The funny thing is that you can still act and feel like a human being. And as a matter of fact, I think I will function, much better. This work is making me less anxious, much more go with the flow and I'm excited as to where it takes me. Again, my thoughts are shit. My story, my personal story is shit, therefore stay away from Instagram for a little while, stay away from thinking about your future and thinking about the past, allow these thoughts to run over you and then pass, just like water trickles down your body and then happily moves towards the drain, never to be seen again. And how do I hold myself accountable and continue to keep my feet to the flames? I wish I could be in exile right now, to be cooped up in a cabin in the woods, just like Julie form Spiritually Incorrect.. I want to disconnect so that I can figure this shit out and become truth realized. But at the same time, I don't want to leave all of this behind. And it's not about my friends and family or girlfriend, it's about the dance studio. I love my students and I love dancing and I love teaching and I love making an impact on them. That is the hardest thing to give up. I just want a real tangible plan towards becoming enlightened. I don't want to be wishy washy about this. I want to dive into the fire and come out scorched, with very little of my body left. That's how seriously I am going to take this shit. After I ejaculate, I always feel ungrounded, as if I don't want to be I nthis body anymore. I want to escape. Not good for meditation. Why have I stopped meditating? Because I have no discipline over my mind. My mind doesn't want to meditate, therefore it does not. My mind is COMPLETELY running the show. The only way out of this Hell is to train the mind so that it is doing things under your control. But do you really have control over the mind? Is there really any way out of this? What does it mean to be unfounded? To be unfounded is to not be found, which is to be never found. Have I been found? Who would be doing the finding? Me of course. I find myself. That's how the saying goes. I am soul searching. I am finding myself. But how does someone find itself. That's a paradox. You can't find yourself. Because you already are yourself, do you see that? So finding yourself is not a thing. You already know yourself therefore theres nothing to find. But I don't know myself. I have zero consciousness of who I actually am. I have a character in my head but it's not what I truly am and this is becoming very clear to me. But it's like I'm still living that way. Nothing has changed. Well, I can't wait to go back to the life I was living and see what stays and what goes. The new ultimate goal is to become enlightened. Whatever the fuck that means, I want it. And I won't stop until I get there. Would it be easier if I took a break from this world that I'm living in? Yes, it would be a lot easier. And maybe I will take a break, 3-5 years down the road. Maybe that exactly what I need. But you won't know until you go down the path. But I want Truth. Give me some thing true. You know your life story is a fabrication! Now what on earth are you going to do about it? I am going to clean house. I am going to rid myself of everything that is untrue. So much so that there's only one thing left, Truth. Set up your entire life for that. It actually makes a lot of sense that you haven't been with many women. You don't want them to steer you away from your path.. and guess what, they do do that. They steer you away from your vision. I want to be able to have multiple full body orgasms. I want to have mastered that by the time this 8 week period is up. And I want to ejaculate less. Right now it's every other day I allow myself to ejaculate, let's switch it to two days in between. So I need to contain myself during those days (and it should be longer than that, but I'm practicing right now on a daily basis. Its hard, sometimes you just keel over.) But why do you allow yourself to keel over? You know it would benefit your body if you were able to circulate the energy around the body , maybe even bringing it up to your head. Yes, but I'm lazy, I like to give up and not work hard. Let's get my meditation habit back on track. What do I have to do to receive Truth from the Universe? Do I just sit here? Do I journal? Do I read? I want enlightenment, and that's it. Give me it please, I'm asking nicely. Life is never ending, just like this song. It doesn't matter what you do with your time here it's all meaningless. You're in a dream and this dream isn't even a tangible thing. It's a constructed hallucination. I am a fiction. My body is a fiction. My life history is a fiction. Science is a fiction. My mother is a fiction. My girlfriend is a fiction. My house is a fiction. The New York Yankees are a fiction. The things you identify with is a fiction. Self love is a fiction. "Being cool" is a fiction. If all of this is a fiction, then what is real???? I don't know my son. I really don't. I know that I am real though. I am real because I am here. I am existing on this plane. And I cannot step off of this plane. My mind can feel lucid sometimes, as if I'm no longer on planet earth. My flow state is surreal, leaving no room for worrying or anxiety, completely lucid, completely comfortable, not thinking AT ALL. But achieving this state takes work. It requires you to let go of everything but at the same time you want to stay disciplined in your ordinary life. You are setting yourself up for success behind the scenes. I cannot wait until I can move back out of my mom's house and back into my friend's house. But I need to keep my money up in order to do that. I can't wait until I can get back to business as usual. I hope I don't let go of this drive to become enlightened though, it's all I really want. Truth. That's it. Does that mean that I should let go of my dream desires? Technically yes, these dream desires are not going to come with you when you reach the other side. But I want it to feel dream like. That's why you stay disciplined. You are chasing for the dream to feel more dream like which will counter intuitively take you outside of the dream so that you can look at the dream that you are playing around in from an outsiders' perspective. I am reading "The Book of Undoing" right now and want to reflect on what I'm reading. The jist do the conversation in the book goes like this; when you think of a memory, there is a sense of being, when you think of a future instance, there is a sense of being. This sense of being is what is constant and never changing. Are there any boundaries to this sense of being? What does that mean boundaries? Like is it confined to one spot, held together by something? The sense of being? I don't think so, it's just a beingness, it's an awareness, but I can't see behind that building, in that sense, there is a boundary there, the building is the boundary, right? Sure, we can go with that for now. So you have a sense of being in your memory but it is held together by boundaries because you cannot see past the horizon or behind the building and you cannot smell whats cooking in the cafeteria while you're standing outside the building, is that what we're going with? Yes, I am bounded by the restrictions within my own awareness, I cannot see forever and ever, I can only see what's within my domain of possible awareness. Now we can confirm that this sense of being has been with you for as long as you can remember, it is with you currently and it will be with you in your future endeavors. Do you agree with that? Yes, that seems true. This means that you are eternal. Being eternal means the absence of time, it is something that is outside of time. Do you agree that your sense of being is outside of time? Well, I'm not so sure, what does time have anything to do with "being?" I mean youre just talking at me, I don't understand the correlation. I mean what is time anyways, it's just a metric that we use to count the days, it's not a real thing. I'd rather just throw that notion out. Okay fine, we don't have to use that as vocabulary. Time is an illusion, I'm with you there. The next thing that happens in the book is the subject says that she does not see a boundary or a centeredness to this state of being and I don't understand this, when I think of my memory from when I was in elementary school, this beingness did have a center, and it was within the body. I was looking out from the body, from the eyes. I experienced things outside of the body, therefore the centeredness and the boundary was inside of my body so I'm not experiencing what she's saying by it being boundary -less. But let's focus on the memory itself. The memory itself has an image of a younger you. That's not the actual experience of beingness, that is a picture. Those are the confines that you are talking about. Do you see that? Confines are imaginary. So pure beingness has no boundaries? Correct. It's just beingness, there is nothing attached to it, nothing to grasp onto. You are falling from unimaginable heights. And you won't be able to land unless... You begin to fly... Take flight and you will begin to see the Truth. But taking flight requires you to let of of Mind, let go of thoughts themselves. Let go of self image. Think about pure awareness, better yet, focus on pure awareness, erase everything else. My name is Ben is a facade. I like her is a facade. Every person that is in your life is a fraud. They're all fake. Fake friends fake friends fake friends. I mean they're real in a relative sense, don't get me wrong, so try not to hurt them. Don't hurt their feelings. But they are you and you are them. We are in the same realm. Do you see that? There's another realm in a slightly higher dimension. Allow your Heart to touch its sweet lips. This is the human realm and you are engulfed in it. Attached to all of these human beings and animals and loved ones. Let them go just for a little while so that you can see the Truth. But I'm scared. I'm terrified. Don't want to lose them. Would they care for you lose them? Sure they would! But you are them and they are you so

This is my first honest attempt at doing spiritual autolysis. This is a method to attaining truth- realization coined by Jed McKenna. "Autolysis" means self-digestion, and "Spiritual" means the level of self that encompasses the mental, physical and emotional aspects. All you really have to do is write the truth. Just write down what you know is true, or what you think is true, and just keeping writing, until you come up with something that is true. Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #1 - Wed Apr 19 '23 - 8:28 AM Lower self: I am a human being. My name is Ben. I know that I am a human being because I was told that I am a human being from my schooling and my parents and everyone else within society. I am told that we as human beings have evolved from chimpanzees or bonobos. Higher self: Okay... do you have any direct experience of yourself as being a human being? Lower self: No... this is just what I have been told. Higher self: Okay... then how do you know that it is true? Lower self: Well... I don't. I am just trusting what other people have told me. Higher self: Okay, then we agree that you do not know for a fact that you are a human being? Lower self: Yes. I agree... My name is Ben though. I was given this name from my parents when I first came out of the womb. Higher self: Have you ever experienced what it means to be Ben? Lower self: Well... I have a bunch of beliefs and pictures in my head that I feel like embody who I, or Ben is as a person, i.e. what Ben is good at, what he's bad at, which people are my best friends, who Ben's family is, etc. Higher self: Okay... Would you agree that these are all just beliefs and pictures in your head, this Ben cannot be a truth within the universe. There is nothing fundamental about it. You do not know what it is like to be Ben. These are all just fictions in your head, beliefs about yourself, there is no being to speak of. Lower self: Yes, I agree. I am starting to see a recurring pattern here. Does the truth lie within being? Higher self: Yes, I think so. Lower self: Well how do you know? Higher self: Well... I don't know, it just seems like the correct way of thinking about things. If all of these beliefs and fictions in our heads are just that, fictions like Pete Ralston has talked about, then how else are we going to come to the truth about things. Lower self: First off, you are putting your faith in Peter Ralston too much. How do you know what he is saying is true? Higher self: You're right, I don't. I want to question what he is saying as well. But... we have already established that there is no inherent truth to the Ben label or the human being label, correct? And this has been established because when we boil down the human being label, this is just a label that other people have come up with in order to label what this species should be called. We call this species human beings. No pure truth to this. Just a label. Same with the beliefs that you hold about Ben, no pure, fundamental truth there either. That is what this work is all about, cutting past all of the bullshit labels and getting to what is truly TRUE. That is what we are after here, and I think this was a good start young Padawan. Lower self: Thank you When will we speak again? Higher self: When you are ready.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #80 ~ Sun May 10 '26 ~ 9:23 PM Every person that you imagine in your head, you are going to have to extinguish. Blow them away with your flamethrower until they turn into ash. The truth is pure awareness, pure presence. Set your life up to experience just that, nothing else. This is what you're missing right now. You are allowing yourself to do whatever you want. You want truth right? Well start acting like it God damnit. This isn't a children's game. This is a game made for serious adults. Serious seekers. Not let's get serious. The problem is that I am so undisciplined, but it's more so I just lack direction. I'm not totally sure what I should be doing in this instant... That's not really true though, I know I should be getting into the shower and starting my day, but the problem is I just don't feel like getting up so I don't get up. My mind is VERY untrained and untamed. He gets away with everything he wants. Now, what is true? Nothing is true. Not a god damn thing is true. I am here. I am present, of course. But nothing going on inside of my head is a true thing, it's all fabricated and I'm going to start touching it with my handy flamethrower so watch out, no body is safe.... This is how I feel right now.. I've got shit to do though, I have to workout, shower, weigh myself, workout, eat breakfast, finish writing programs for work... Because I'm still in this dream so I have to present myself accordingly, as Ben. And I don't want my dream self to look like a smuck. To the contrary actually, I want him to be really hot and I want him to get attention from lots of women so that he can get laid without really trying. But of course, in the background, he is going balls to wall in Truth work. That's the thing that I'm missing, Im not going balls to the wall.. and I want to! I want to start ripping this shit open so that I can feel real progress. I haven't felt real progress since the epiphany I had about pure awareness presence. And this wasn't even new information to me, but it finally clicked as to why you have torch everything except TRUTH, that's actually the biggest epiphany I could have had, there can't be anything else left, that's what makes this work so difficult, you're so used to living a certain way and we are flipping that on its head, it's very uncomfortable for the human to experience. I also know for a fact that I do not want to run a studio at Arthur Murray, it sounds painfully stressful, which I'm really not down for. I want to help people meditate, I want to help them with their lives, I want to be an enlightened being, that's what I want. Y'all know this song? This shit puts me on a different planet, or more related to the title, in the clouds with the angels. Anyways, let's get our day started and then we can come back to this journal. The sooner we can get dream stuff out of the way, the sooner we can get to the real work, Truth work. You're lazy bro, you are VERY lazy and I'm not really sure how to snap you out of it. Good luck. I really can't work out my chest, it hurts my sternum too much and I don't want to do more damage to it, I mean it got cracked open just a week ago, what the hell do you expect? Anyways, I am well aware that all of my thoughts are false. I therefore try to extinguish them with a flamethrower or a knife as soon as they arise. The problem is that I do have responsibilities, so I do need to think, right? Would my responsibilities get done if I just stopped thinking? I don't know, probably not, right? Why are you so sure of that? Haven't you had success just letting go and actually allowing the Universe to take the wheel? Yeah, I mean I guess I have had some success doing that. I mean you kill yourself overthinking everything, its all gonna be okay man, trust me. But shutting off the brain is harder than you think. Is it? I don't think its hard at all? The thing is though is my mind is screaming at me, saying "if you turn me off, you'll be weak forever!" You're never going to work out, youll allways be scrawny and on top of that, youll never reach any of your goals! Now how do I deal with this blathering idiot up in my head. Shut him the hell up. But how? How do I shut that little weasel up? I don't know man, hes strong, just keep slicing your thoughts away with a machete until theres nothing left of them, they have no where to go and you are fully at peace and one with the present moment. Easier said than done, that's for sure. I have been noticing this butterfly-like feeling in my stomach that makes me feel all gitty and light, as if everything is great, everything is okay. It's really nice, I think there's more where that comes from as I continue down this enlightenment journey.

Habits & Disciplines Journey Entry #152 I had an open heart surgery on April 28th, which at this point is 11 days ago. This has been a pivotal moment in my development as I had to do everything with a heightened mindfulness while recovering in the hospital, I ended up sitting there "meditating" quite a bit, and my roommate told me a story about how he saw what it was like in heaven. Now I am back at home and I am feeling much better. I have all day free to do whatever I want pretty much and this is going to last another 6.5 weeks before I have to go back to work. I've spent the past two years basically working without any vacations. I am super excited for these next 6 weeks as something has clicked within me and I understand now what it is going to take from me to use a spiritual autolysis journal to attain enlightenment. This is in part because I started reading Jed McKennas books again, starting with the second one. I found the excerpts of Julie's spiritual autolysis journal especially helpful as they have provided me with a great example of what the process should really look like. Basically, what I've come to realize is you are at war and you NEED a flamethrower lol. Now I am at a crosshairs. With this newfound determination to discover the Truth through spiritual autolysis, many of the goals that I have been very open about on this journal could be changing drastically. I say this because this Truth thing is now my number one priority, it's not becoming a dance champion, or having lots of sex, or buying a house, or running a dance studio, or making 6 figures, no... I want to become Truth- realized and I WILL NOT stop until I achieve this. After I become truth realized, then I can decide with much more clarity what I want to do with the rest of my time here on earth. In the mean time, as I continue to pursue Truth, there are things that I would still like to pursue that pertain to my dream self. 1. I want a shredded physique, I want to be jacked and shredded, this requires me to work out and eat right. 2. I want to get good at sex, this requires me to practice circulating my sexual energy away from my genitals during sex while simultaneously squeezing and holding my perineum like a kegel exercise. This will result in multiple full body orgasms if done right. 3. I want to start saving up money, this is either for a house or for traveling. I may need to leave and go away for a while in order to integrate this Truth - realized state. I am starting to realize that this is going to have to happen more likely than not, which also means that any intimate relationship that I have here is going to have to end eventually so that I can leave and integrate my new paradigm of viewing the world. And that's really it, that's all I'm going to focus on right now, in recap, 1. Become Truth- realized 2. Shredded physique 3. Harness sexual energy and practice on real life partners 4. Save up money so that you have financial freedom. We're going to keep it really simple right now. Next, let's talk about how this journal is going to fit into my life moving forward. As you can see, I have started back up my spiritual autolysis journal and that is taking much more of my attention than this journal. The other thing that Ive realized is that I hate having to force myself to do things, and guess what... It really doesn't work, it just gives me a headache...but, at the same time, I want to go to the gym 4 days a week, I want to give myself a haircut every weekend, I want to do my laundry every weekend, etc. so in order to hold myself accountable, it would make sense for me to have a list that I check off, right? Right, I don't think there's any way around this, you should keep this journal around because it will increase the likelihood that you will meet your goals and it will hold you accountable. Okay, let's start with some things that are non negotiables: Doing laundry every weekend - this has got to get done so that I have clean clothes throughout the work week. Clean room on weekends - make sure that your area is clean and clear so that your head remains clean and clear Meal prep two days a week - on the weekend (covering Sunday / Monday through Wednesday) and then on Thursday morning (covering Thursday through Saturday / Sunday) - the meal plan is going to match a predetermined set of macros that align with my physique goals. For these next 6.5 weeks before my body will allow me to weight lift, I have a new schedule for myself in which I work out 6 days a week, push, pull, legs, push, pull, legs using just resistance bands. I am going to start that tomorrow. The thing with this list is yes it seems like a lot and I've never been able to stick to everything for more than a week or two (lol.) but I now have a real purpose in my life, which is guided by becoming Truth - realized which I think will catapult everything into existence. Also, even once you leave CT in search of the integration of the Truth realized state, you are still going to want to stay fit and keep things clean so these habits are going to do wonders for you down the road. Create the habits now and then you can coast on them for the rest of your life. You have to remember that you are still going to be a human being living in a society, talking to other human beings. Just because you will eventually become aware that you're dreaming doesn't mean you escape the dream, the dream continues, in which you still have to get a haircut, you still have to eat and bathe and whatever else, that's never gonna change. So the sooner you can integrate healthy habits into your life, the better. And we're actually gonna stop here. From now on, I want to start small and build habits that way. You don't have to do everything all at once and as a matter of fact, Ive been trying that and it HAS NOT been working. For tomorrow, I am going to wake up and shower and then have my breakfast, protein shake and granola, and then I am going to get my workout in. I then will have a picnic at 11:30 am. I also have to take my meds of course. Then I have to finish the programs that I started for my students. I probably have about 5 more to do but they shouldn't take too long, the ones left haven't been here that long. Then I also am going to finish cleaning my room and doing my laundry so that I am all set for the week ahead. For my workout, I am going to do a chest workout. Wake up Shower and groom Eat breakfast Workout Start on programs Picnic Finish programs For tomorrow, I'd really like to wake up at 7 am, shower and get ready, meditate, eat breakfast, etc, work out if I can. Then I go to my eco which is at 9:15 am. Them, some things that'd I'd like to do are as follows: Make sure programs are in order Call Aflac to check on status of things Continue editing music videos Get a meditation session in Call health insurance to get insurance card Figure out what else I need for food this upcoming week, we are trying to add some pounds, mainly muscle Get packing tape Nootropics stack that id like to try: Ashwaganda Vitamin D3 Fish Oil Gingko Biloba Lions main mushrooms L theanine Vitamin A

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #79 ~ Fri May 8 '26 ~ 2:40 PM Okay so I am pure awareness and nothing else, this is a known fact. This means that I must make a conscious effort to slice off anything and everything that is NOT pure awareness. This means ANY thought about anything other than pure awareness, take a machete and slice it right down the middle. Keep doing that until there's nothing left. A thought about my dance partner - SLICE I'm an attractive man, these people are all checking me out SLICEEe My name's Ben sliceeeee I have a a mechanical valve in my heart slice My best friend is Cody sliiiiiice A picture of my face talking sliiiiiice Keep going... "This work makes me feel like I'm brain dead" sliiiiiice I am envisioning taking one of these scalpels and splitting the thought as if its a picture right down the middle. The thought then vanishes into thin air. This is an amusing way to go about it. Vision of one of my favorite dance coaches sliiiiiice What is going to be left over once I slice through all of these thoughts. Pure BEING of course, pure awareness, which is exactly what we're after so be patient please.. Okay. Are you just slicing away every single thought that pops into your head? No not doing that, at least for now. I am waiting until there is a thought that is soaked in the stench of Maya and I'm gutting that thing like a pig. Okay and what's an example of a thought that has the "stench of Maya?" Anything that has to do with a dream character, anything that has to do with how my dream character is being viewed, and anything about the state of this dream world so not everything, there are plenty of thoughts that are allowed, at least for now. So that means that you cant think about other people...? No, according to what I'm doing right now, no not at all. Because these people are characters, they're not real, therefore they need to be gutted. Yeah okay, I'm with ya. I'm gonna take a flame thrower and burn everything that has nothing to do with Truth to smithereens. I want to see destruction. I want to see people crying. I want to torch this entire earth until there is but one thing left, TRUTH. And I will not stop until I get there I can promise you that. Pure Awareness pure presence is what we're after. Everything else MUST GO. this isn't a joke, this is war. And I have a LONG way to go. Right now, I'm losing ... By a lot. But I have the heart of a lion and this massive flamethrower by my side and jed of course as a mentor.. and leo, and Om Swami, and Ramji. They've all gone down the path. Just open up one of their books when you need some assistance, should always help. I am going to be the DESTROYER of UNTRUTH. It is my absolute destiny. And I will stop at nothing until I can taste the blood of my enemy. And my enemy is birthed in flames with horns like the devil, he is tricky and deceptive and I fuckin' hate him. At the same time I am impressed. For you to concoct something of this magnitude is no easy feet. Every body is fuckin' in on this lie! You've deceived everybody! What an absolute mind fuck this work is doing to me. I gotta say for years I peddles around like riding a bike on training wheels, just peddling around the street corner. But now.... Something is clicked. I read Jeds books again and I went through a heart surgery and all of a sudden, I feel like I'm speeding down a mountain top on a mountain bike and theres NO WAY off. And I hope the people on this forum come to this journal so you can see EXACTLY what kind of tumultuous journey it is going to take to become enlightened. This is NOT a walk in the park. It is going to take every fiber of my God damn being. And guess what... I wouldn't have it any other way. At this point, I just can't not know the Truth. There's just no way that I am going to allow myself to live in this fantasy world into the day I die. And the funny thing is that that's what it's designed to do. It's designed to keep you living in the fantasy world all your life. But the fuckin truth of the matter is that it's imaginary, it's a fuckin fraud and guess what... I'm not okay with that! I'm ready to hack the fuckin matrix. I'm gonna understand the TRUTH of reality. I would quite literally rather die than to not understand the Truth. There is nothing and I mean nothing more important. All of my actions form here on our are going to be taken with TRuth as it's highest priority. That is where I'm heading. And I'll probably need to be alone for about a year in order to integrate this into my psyche. And I'm oaky with that. This is WAY WAY WAY more important than become a dance champion, owning a dance studio, getting married, having kids, getting laid, having a house... Fuck that shit! Fuck thT egoic bullshit. All of this stuff is actually just going to push me further into the dream. I will be digging myself a DEEPER and DEEPER hole if that is what I pursue. Now of course you need money and I don't blame you for wanting a house, what is riddling in ego is being a dance champion and also running a studio and getting married. You can do all of those things, but please, do it mindfully. Make sure that you're not doing it with egoic intentions, which means that you are doing it because you want to be VIEWED a certain way. That is not what we want for you. We want you to have fun in this dream and there's a lot to do in it..like you're still going to do things, you have at least another 50 years on this Earth, you're gonna want to do a lot of stuff. But ideally you are enlightened first, get that figured out and then you'll know what you wanna do with your time here.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #78 ~ Tues May 5 '26 ~ 9:13 AM What is true? Pure Awareness is true. And that's it. Everything outside of it is false. Of course things can be relatively true, like the thoughts going on in my head, those are relative truths, what are my desires, etc. they are true in a sense, but Absolute Truth is that pure awareness is all that there is. Which means pure awareness if everywhere. It is in the ground. It is on Saturn. It is on my head, it is out there in the air, everywhere because it is Truth with a capital T. Anything outside of it is false. What does this insight do for me and my life? Nothing really, I just know that life is a game now and it doesn't really matter what I do. So I should do whatever I want. And I shouldn't care what others think about me. Because there is no me to uphold, no self image to speak of. So live your life the way you want to. I gotta say, that is liberating stuff and truly paradigm shifting. People love me in a relatively sense, they love the character of Ben and there's nothing wrong with that. But.. there is no actually character named ben. That is what's fake and fictional. Just like there is no jane (my mom) everyone that I know is not real, meaning they are made up and fake. I mean they're real like they are still an entity or an organism or a human being in a relative sense, for sure but at its core, the universe is made up of Nothingness which equates to Pure Awareness which goes on forever and ever. Where am I going with all of this? What is it going to do to me? You know what I don't care. I want the truth even if it kills me. And I think it has to. I will have to give up all attachments, all person histories, etc. What I don't understand is I am starting to get this and how it works, but I'm not enlightened. When does the enlightenment kick in. What do I have to do? I just drove down something that is true so where do I go from here, where is the enlightenment? Where is the no self. I want a reward for all of this work! I don't know I mean I think you're missing the experience of it, you are getting a glimpse of what it would be like to live in a non dual realm, but that doesn't mean that you've even stepped foot in it. Okay, well then how do I step foot into this realm? You don't want to is the thing. Fuck you, yes I do, tell me what I should do to take the first step into nonduality. Dualities are required in the world so that we can make distinctions. It is necessary in order to communicate and survive as a human being. But in reality, these dualities are made up of the same thing, which is pure awareness or nothingness, that is what they are at their core. You need to start understanding the difference between relative and Absolute Truth. I have been researching non duality as of late because I realize that understanding it is what it takes to become Enlightend and enter the no dual realm. Basically, we have created dualities between things, like black and white, up and down, left and right, 1 and 2, etc. in order to make distinctions and therefore survive as a culture or as a society. For example, lets actually take this to a purely survival level, I need to understand the difference between a lion and a house cat. If I did not, then this would be terribly bad for my survival mechanism. Therefore, if I am going to survive within this human form, I need distinctions, I need to understand relative truths. This is an important aspect of life, and this cannot be overstated. Be don't transcend dualities, but we understand that there is a higher level, I higher stakes game, in which there are no dualities, black and white are made up of the same thing, up and down is the same thing, love and hate is the same thing, etc.... Now begs the question, how the fuck do I get there? Unsure at the moment, thats what I'm missing, but the awareness that I have now is a good start. Given this new knowledge, how are you going to change your behaviors moving forward. Firstly, I am going to start pointing out the dualities within the world when I see them. Lets just start with awareness of them. (I am good at socializing and not making things awkward. My mom is terrible in social situations. Its as if she is ALWAYS uncomfortable to be in them, there is never a desire for her to connect to the person across from her.. unless she knows them very well. I don't understand this very well because I am a reserved and shy person, but also very socially calibrated and ADORE people, I LOVE making connections.) (Is this because of her upbringing or is this just how shes always been wired? Unsure. I guess it doesn't really matter.) This video represents me pursuing enlightenment. IT IS going to cost me EVERYTHING. Everything that I know and hold dear to my heart has to be cassed away in favor of a completely new paradigm or view of reality. And I want it, I want it more than sex, I want it more than money, I want it more than a house, I want it more than six pack abs, I want it more than becoming a world champion dancer. I just have to find out the TRUTH. Where is this journey taking me? And at what cost to the people that I love. I ahve experienced SO MUCH love from everybody that is within my circle. Do I really need to let the m go? I dont want to. Also, how long is this going to take? I feel like it is going to take as long as it needs to. You are on the perfect journey for yourself. I am starting to realize that I won't want the stressful and hectic job of running a studio. At least not long term. I am eventually going to get burnt out and need to hit the reset button. I can't wait to have a house with a pool. I can have a dog that I go on walks with, lots of them. I can have a girl for a small section of time that I enjoy intimacy with. But I want truth. Why does it have to be a small portion of time with a girl and not forever? Because NO ONE is going to go down the path that I'm going down. NOBODY is going to understand. Therefore, I can't keep a woman around forever. I have always been a free spirit, a head in the clouds type, and this is what I want. But is this label of being a "free spirit" is this really just a facade, is this imaginary? Or is that TRULY part of my personality? What do you think? I mean we all have personalities, right? So mine can be a certain way just like everyone elses is different. The difference I would like to point out is that you acting like a free spirit to fulfill an egoic image or is that your objective view of Bens personality? Which one is it? Why does no body want to talk about death? Why are we so afraid of it? Because it's unknown. And we fear truth. That is what I fear the most. But it's also what I want the most. That's the paradox of it. So what's it gonna be then God? Are you going to let me have it or allow my fear to win this war? It's really up to you man, I've got no stake in this fight, believe me. What are you talking about? You were just saying that you'd jump into the water and stab a whale in devdevotion to the pursuit of truth. How long is this going to take? Can I become enlightened in 3 years? 7 months? 2 years? 5? The question is how long do you want the journey to last? That's the only question you need to ask yourself. Oh.... Okay, that was easy. I think my mom is a little bitch to be honest. Why can't she act like she owns the place in her own home? She's afraid to die. Doesn't want to deal with that. That's a huge paradigm shift that you need to go through if you are going to enter Human Adulthood as Jed Mckenna describes it. I know for an absolute FACT that I cannot settle down with a girl until I become Enlightened. And honestly I don't even know if I want somebody else in my life to begin with. Honesty and that's not me being scared. When I ready spriritual warfare, jed is wandering around aimlessly without a care in the world, that's what I want to experience. That peacefulness. That playfulness. Will I get this if I have family with kids and a wife? No, no fuckin shot. Once I am enlightened though, maybe just maybe I'll want to come back and settle down. I know I don't really want to write books. But I do love to dance. I love it so much. However long I last here it is just a blessing that I've been able to experience it. I can feel it in the air. What am I to do now? Should I continue to watch nonduality videos? I know that this road only has one ending, but I actually have a lot of time to pursue what I want. Were you expecting it to be easy? Were you expecting heart surgery to be a cake walk, without much effort you could allow your body to recover? No! Of course not! I am doing so well right now because I already put the time in. What do I do when I have a sexual desire? Should I always bottle it up? Or should I let it out? I truthfully don't enjoy sexual pursuits of women. But at the same time, I absolutely adore their beauty and energy. You can enjoy her energy without actually pursuing her romantically, you are aware of that are you not? All you want is to authentically express while around women. That is essentially it. And your job is pushing you to do exactly that . And as a matter of fact, you have to express with her, not without her. Good job on that.

The minds attachment to a dualistic world is what causes suffering. Transcend into a non dualistic state and suffering will cease to be.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #77 Sun May 3 '26 I've started reading Presence by Rupert Spiral and I'd like to start by contemplating the nature of mind and body. If I feel a sensation within my hand, is that sensation what I am? No, I am aware of the sensation in the hand, that's what I truly am. Therefore, I must not be the body. When I envision a thought, is that thought who I am? No, I am aware of the thought. I am pure awareness experiencing a thought. Therefore, the mind and the body are obsolete when it comes to Truth. They don't need to be discussed any further. Yeah, that's all well and good but you still identify with your mind and body, your mind and body are running the show in your life, especially the mind. Your thinking about doing this, or doing that, Ooooh what if I end with this girl or that girl, should I go out to the club tonight or should I not? So although you realize that you are not the mind, it still has its unclenching grip on you. So the question remains, how do I unclench its grip? And if I do, what is going to be left? I've never experienced... Well I guess I should say that. I have rarely experience no thought states, but when I have they have been incredible, absolutely amazing moments, so maybe it is possible to completely turn the brain off, but I need an exercise to do. Just keep working on Truth work, everything will fall into place. It is true that I am the Self, which is pure awareness. What I am not is the body and mind. The body and mind will die when I am old and decrepid, but the Self will not die. The Self is eternal, it will never go away. Okay, now how do we experience it? I dont know.. just do it. Its right in front of your face. I think I need meditation in my life so that I am able to contemplate this further or at the very least develop some focusing skills. My real, true Self is pure awareness, pure presence, it has always been with me. What I am not is the body and the mind. Culture has told me that I am these things but I am not. The mind and body have worked in tandem with each other in order to make sure that I know that I need a self image that must survive and without this survival mechanism, the body and mind will die. So it needs you to be convinced. But in reality, Pure Awareness will never cease to be, this is the non dual state. I am going to access the non dual state, I am going to take the leap into the other side. I am going to transcend mind. I feel bad for all of the people that are chasing their tails, enjoying earhly pleasures, pursuing money and sex. This is the real work, this is really what life is about, getting yourself out of the matrix. This should be everyones deepest fantasy. One day we will instill our children with this knowledge right from the start and not delude them any longer. Okay so to recap, Pure Awareness is Truth because it is the only thing from my direct experience that I can rely on without a doubt in this world. All this other mumo jumbo running through my head and especially my self image is fabricated aka not real. Pure Awareness huh? Pure Awareness is Truth. What happened to I am Present as being Truth? It's really the same shit, just a different label attached to it. Know what I mean? Does this mean that pure awareness makes up all of reality? Cuz what is truth anyways? Truth with a capital T encapsulates all of reality precisely because for it to be True it has to be one thing because you can't have two truths or twenty truths. If it's not true then it's false, which means it's Maya, pure delusion. But why can't there be more than one truth? 1+1 equals 2. 2+2 equals 4. Those things are both true. But not true in an absolute sense. What is math anyways, let's crack into that... Math is a numbers system in which if you were to add certain numbers together, they will equal another number. But what is that really? Does that have anything to do with Pure Awareness. No none whatsoever. But the sun also shines at a certain time, there is a moon in the sky, etc.. you have to admit that there are things that are irrefutable. Ya know what, it does seem that way and I don't know how to rectify that at this moment. I probably need to read more books. But we had some nice breakthroughs. Sorry Dad for being so mean to you in the last post, but it's always best to vent directly without any filter whatsoever. I really do love you. Truth with a capital T is pure awareness. Everything is made up of pure awareness. Maybe that means the sun is made up of pure awareness and mathematics is made up of pure awareness. Ya know what actually? Mathematics is not a part of pure awareness at all what is it about 2+2? This is a thought. You can't have a direct experience of 2+2 equals 4. You can't have a direct experience of a baby being born, etc. but you can trust that you are here, you are present, and nobody and I mean nobody can take that away from you. It feels as though I am now in a different realm, but is this merely my ego deceiving me? I must be careful not to allow ego or mind to trick myself into thinking that it is making progress while it isn't at all. I can now see that my past history is a fabrication, it's imaginary, completely, my self image imaginary, my perceptions of other people, imaginary. All that there is is pure awareness. Pure divine awareness. And that is all that there will be until the end of time. I will not stop until I am through cutting out all of the bullshit in my life. But am I really even ready for that? Am I ready to kill off myself? It seems like I am because I can't continue to go on like this, knowing that I'm living a lie. Now it's just a question of how am I going to get there? I don't want it to be force fed down my throat, this will derail my entire life. I have a career that I am trying to build and relationship goals that I want to experience. But this has got to be most important of all. Cuz I TRULY cannot go on without knowing the Truth. I really can't. There is no discussion, I have to make it to the other side. And maybe I can't do this? Maybe I don't want to actually do this? But the further I go the less likely I will want to turn back. I've started feeling this strange feeling that THIS is what life is all about. This is what people are searching for. TRUTH. I mean that is what all religions are based off of. That's what the baghavad ghita is talking about, it's TRUTH.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #76 Sat May 2 '26 This journal is going to turn into something completely different. My job is to go Further. And further and further and further. I will not edit what I am saying. I am going to just continue to write until I found out the Truth or reality. My father's energy is so neurotic and gripping, his energy is suffocating, it feels as if I am being choked out by his presence. He is so far in his mind and he gets no peace. The more he is in my life, the harder it is going to become to become Enlightened. This man has been a thorn in my side for a very long time to be honest with you. I cannot blame him for my lack of Awakening but he surely has not helped. I just got out of heart surgery and he wants to visit me tomorrow and Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. I don't want him to visit me on any of those days, I truly don't. All I want to do is go home and read books and rest. I don't want to see him AT ALL. He has got to be the most neurotic and in his own head ( which means completely disconnected from his Heart) person I have ever met. And of course he is my father. Lucky me... I feel bad feeling like this, I really do. I wish I could grab him out of his manic and scatterbrained head and bring him into a higher consciousness state but there's nothing I can do, he is too far gone. His presence right in this moment is already annoying me, he won't sit down, he's pacing around the room, and doing this thing where he nods to himself, imagining a conversation in his own head. I guess this is a good example of how my life could have turned out if I never shifted my awareness from the mind into the Heart. Now I have to deal with him for another 4 days, I am going to do my best to just be in my own zone while he's here, reading my own books and things of that nature. I'll probably eat a meal with him and then head to the porch to read and journal. I can't wait for this 8 week period in which I get to be without work and I can just work on my contemplations. I will not let one person ruin my vibe. The truth is that I don't need him anymore. Well that's not entirely true... I do sometimes need him for money. That is a whole different can of worms, why can I not get a handle on my finances? This stresses me out greatly. I will have to deal with this if I am going to live a happy and successful life. Anyways, let's get to Truth work, what is True? It is true that I am experiencing things in this moment. And who is I? I am me. I am this body. This awareness. Are you awareness or the body, which one is it? I am awareness. So you are not the body? No, I am just awareness, pure awareness. And what exactly does that mean? That means that I have the capacity and the capability to experience things in this life. Does that mean that you will stop having this capacity once you die? You did just say "in this life.." no, I believe that this awareness will continue because if I am aware is the Truth of the universe, the one and only Truth, then I may be that forever and ever. But how do you know that? Why can't you be aware in this life while you are alive and then it just ends when the body decays? (My dad is like a leech, when I open the door slightly, he barges in and sprawls his entire body onto the floor, filling up the entire room so that there is no room to breathe.) Yeah, I guess my awareness could end once I die. I mean why can't that be the case? But then what's left once you die then? Is it just Nothingness and if so then what is Nothingness? Or is it just an empty void? Is it Heaven? And how could I possibly know what is going to happen once I die? Cuz Im not dead! What does it mean to die? When I die my body will decay, it is going to be sent into the ground. My spirit will leave my body. My heart will stop working. My brain will not think any longer. But what does that even mean? A spirit leaving the body? What even is spirit? And is the brain connected to truth? How about the heart? What does that got to do with Truth? (My dad is also incredibly controlling. Don't control me ever. No one likes to be controlled. I need to stay away from this toxic person's energy as best as I can. What a controlling and manipulative and selfish person. My mom always leaves the room when my dad is present and it's probably because she can't stand his energy.) Honestly, I don't know. Death is a concept that baffles me. How is it possible to know about something that isn't here yet? I don't know, that's a good point. How could I possibly know about death? All I've experienced is being alive... All I remember is being alive, therefore that is what I'm in touch with. Well let's dive into that a bit further... You are basing that off of a memory that you have in your head. Is there anything real about a memory? Well, it did happen to this human body, I went through pre school and then kindergarten and then 1st grade, so these memories must be valid, right? I wouldn't be so sure. If you are pure awareness, does a memory have anything to do with pure awareness? No and as a matter of fact, a memory takes you out of pure awareness and into your own mind, in which you are no longer experiencing Truth. The problem is that I have a self image of myself, I have a personal history, I have a family and friends and a job. Are we confirming that this is all a complete fabrication and has NOTHING to do either Truth? If pure awareness is all that there is, that is the Truth, then yes, that is what we're saying. You don't exist at all, it is all a fabrication made up in your head, completely made up and imaginary. Hold on a minute though... What are you talking about, why is everyone in on it then, I have loved ones all around me that care deeply about me, they know me as Ben, the dance instructor, the sweet guy. And they have identities as well, my boss is named Yvette, my best friend Paul, my mother Jane.. are we saying that they are not real either. Yes, that is exactly what we are saying.. Hold on a minute, I still don't understand this, I am looking at a picture right next to me of me and my family, that man right there that I am looking at is Ben, how can you deny that? He is Ben, I just know it. He grew up in a small town in East Hampton, CT, parents are divorced, good at sports, has a heart condition and an overprotective father. But that's not truth.... Huh? Not Truth with a capital T. And like I get it, I get what your saying, if pure awareness is all that there is within reality, then that means everything else must be bullshit, right? But how do you know that these things aren't true? Also if I buy into this Truth thing, then what am I going to do about my aspirations to be a world champion dancer? There would be no one to even receive the reward because I am imaginary. This is really boggling my mind.. Let's take this back to the fact that Pure Awareness is all that there is... How can I be so sure about that? Because other things seem true, like coca cola stock is 77$ that is just a fact, the earth is a sphere, 1+1 =2, etc. and also, how is EVERYONE deluded? Every single person on this Earth thinks they are someone, yet they are in fact NO ONE. How does that make any sense? Why are we all so blind? And if this really is true, what kind of psychopath created this world? Why does it even exist at all? Why not just have nothing? Everywhere I look is people with their egos. But how can I blame them? As soon as they popped out of the womb, they were given an identity, why would they think anything else? Why would they even question what's true? And what kind of twisted world is this? Feeling our youth lies and on top of that, we're not even aware of the lies that we are speaking, and how could we be? This takes intense contemplation and intense hand holding and guidance to come out of this dream we have put ourselves in. I am still struggling to truly grasp this though, it's like it does make sense, it really truly does, but that means I'd have to admit that myself along with everyone else is lying to themselves and has been their entire lives. But of course, we are lying to ourselves, each and every one of us. We are all in on this cosmic joke of a material world. And how has so few people woken up this fact? Also, how am I going to truly get out of this mess that I've put myself in. 10 years of spirituality work and I am finally starting to understand just what it takes to get there, just what it takes, not actually getting there. I understand now that I am no one, that everyone including me has concocted a personal story with a self image and an ego that has a personality and is good and bad at things. Everyone has an identity. And this is false. Completely false. It's a complete lie. See I can say that, but I still don't experience it, I still think I'm me, I still think I'm Ben. How do I EXPERIENCE this Truth? That I don't know. And this means that The Truth for all of my friends and co workers is the same thing, that of pure Awareness, their self image and self concept is not real yet they think that it's real. But these are real entities, right? Like I'm thinking about my co worker right now, I know him by Christian, whenever I think about him I am filled with joy, I want nothing but success for him. And he is not me nor am I him. However, the Truth is that his self image or self concept completely fabricated. The only thing that's real is what he experiences.

Spiritual Autolysis: Journal Entry #75: Sun Apr 26 God: What is True? Me: Nothing is True. God: Right, but what is Nothing? It must be made of something. Me: What is wrong with not knowing what Nothing is? God: If something is true, then it should be able to be explained. Me: Why though? Why does it have to be explained for it to be true? God: It doesn't. But you don't know whats true... thats why you are writing in this journal. I am trying my best to communicate it to you. But it is challenging. It is challening because it cannot be explained. Me: Why can't you explain it to me? God: I can actually but that doesn't mean you will experience it. Me: But I want to experience it and you said it yourself, I can create Anything I want. I want Truth. God: Okay, have it your way, but me communicating this to you won't do you any good. The Truth is that you are GOD. You are infinite. You are One. You are everything in existence. Me: But why don't I feel like I am all of those things? God: Because you as God have tricked yourself into thinking that you are in this world with a personal backstory and a family. None of it is real. The sooner you can stomach this, the sooner can get to the next level. Me: What does the next level entail? God: Whatever you want it to entail, you are the Creator, remember? Me: But why do I have to create? God: Would you rather destroy? Me: Sometimes yeah, sometimes I have to destroy what I've built in order to make room for the next creation, the next level. God: Bingo.

Yeah it does, but you have to shift your perspective and not care about what others think. I feel it sometimes when I hang out with my friends and they're all with their wives. But then I remind myself that I am taking a route that is very different from them, I am into spirituality, they are not, I have a job that I LOVE, they do not, I am NOT settling for a mediocre life, they are. I haven't made up for it yet, I have only had sex with two girls in my life so far. I wouldn't say I'm okay with this, I want to have more sex with more women, but at the same time I am in the perfect environment to find a wife through my job as a ballroom dancer. I know that I am going to become romantic with someone through work and it is going to explode in a deliciously sexual and intimate moment. In the mean time, I am going to work on my finances and owning my craft and reading self help / spiritual books. I am working on myself first and foremost. I want sex but am not needy for it. Expectations are constructed within your head, you can either allow society to determine the expectations that you have for yourself, or you can make up your own expectations. My friends live fine lives, there's nothing wrong with what they're doing, but I would never settle for what they have. I could have settled for this girlfriend that I had, she wanted to marry me but I knew that I wanted more out of a partner and I knew that I needed space to figure things out. Here's a good mantra: "I am constructing my own reality independent from the opinions of others." I am very passionate about this because you are in a unique situation that most people cannot relate to. I want you to first and foremost accept yourself as you are and accept the choices that you've made in your life that have brought you here. As a 31 year old single man, you are actually in a very good situation, you are way ahead of the competition maturity wise and much closer to God, which an actual woman of quality will be able to appreciate. Give yourself grace and stop caring what other people think about you.

Just want to let you know that you are not alone, I had my first girlfriend and had sex for the first time at age 29. I am 31 now and have since broken up with her so that I could put more time into my career as a ballroom dancer. At this stage in my life, I intuit that I am going to spend the rest of my life with one of the girl dance instructors at the dance studio. I am not pursuing casual sex right now as it requires a lot of my time for something that, to me, is unfulfilling. I would much rather work on my craft as a dancer, knowing that the deeper I go into this field, the more attention I will get from the opposite sex in an environment where there are lots of beautiful women and very few men. Set your intention and then LET GO and enjoy the ride.

Interlude: I am loved I am loved by my students so much. This was evident today when I got all the gifts from them. Such thoughtful gifts, and people are emotional for me. It's so touching. The truth is that they appreciate you. They genuinely appreciate the work that you put in to this business. And they are impressed by you and want something from you. This is the survival side of things. The human being needs things in order to survive. But survival is not just life or death, it's about surviving in a social sense, surviving in your culture. A lot of the students want to experience something. To experience something bigger than them. How does someone experience something bigger than themselves? By working their ass off in one particular field. The fields that I have chosen are dance and meditation. The students are also choosing dance. And they are spending a great deal of money on it. That's how much it means to them.

I've been getting into self deception recently. I have 3 of Leo's videos that I am watching. Can anyone recommend some books on the topic? I'm sure there are lots on Leo's book list, just not sure which ones. Please help, thanks! Here are his self deception videos: I actually have a couple of books I think would apply: Mistakes Were Made (but not by me) - this is more about the self bias that we hold in favor of ourselves in comparison to others I am a Strange Loop - haven't finished this one yet, but it's about the self identity and how it is a true paradox

Interlude: Hitting the Reset Button My name is Ben and I'm hitting a reset button on my life. There's certain people that I don't feel like talking or being around right now... So guess what... I'm not going to talk or be around them. I'm starting to give less fucks about what others think of me. This is a great milestone, good for you. I want routines and habits in my life but there has to be a good reason for doing the habits because otherwise I will not feel motivated to do them. Over thee next 8 weeks, I am going to take a good hard look at what I'm building and what it is going to take in order to build such things. Interlude: Women My mom's cat is psychotic. He doesn't know if he wants to bite me or wants to snuggle with his whiskers touching mine. It's like he has no ability to regulate his emotions. I feel like this is how women act. This sounds mean, and trust me I love women WITH ALL MY HEART, truly. But, it seems like they feel emotions so strongly and the emotions that they are feeling are all over the place, she sways to this side, then to that side, then she's not sure how she's feeling, then she wants to snuggle, then she wants to hit me... Like God damn... Make up your mind. At the same time, this kind of behavior is intoxicating and exciting, it arouses me, keeps me on my toes, and I want to feel this feminine presence as part of my being. So yes, to my male mind you are a little bit crazy, but I love it and I thank you for being who you are.

Interlude: Taking a Break & Reflecting on What I Want I am taking a break from this journal. There is so much that I am trying to figure out in my life. I am going to hit the reset button. I also have heart surgery in exactly 8 days. I am looking forward to getting this procedure done and over with so that I can come back stronger and more focused on accomplishing my goals. I've spent most of my life feeling lost. At 31 years of age, there is finally some clarity amidst the fog. I am fascinated by Enlightenment. I want to be come so clear headed that there are NO THOUGHTS running through my mind. I want to transcend thought. I want to fuck women. I want to be really good at fucking women. I want to have a dancer wife that I build an empire with. I want to compete with her and travel the world with her. I want to be a model of good health and healthy masculinity out there on the dance floor. I want to make a positive impact on the world and especially my students. Anyone that looks at my character sees a noble, disciplined, highly masculine man, one that is deserving of everything that he has worked for. One that is able to say that he has gone through the trials and tribulations and the hardships and he has overcome things that others won't even try. I am sober, lucidly sober. I am able to take a step back from emotional states and times of hardship and view things with detachment. Detachment from out come and detachment from emotion. People feel comfortable in my presense because I exemplify the fact that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. No matter what happens, everything is truly going to be okay. And I want to provide that sort of presence and energy to everybody that I meet. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. Even if you die tomorrow, everything is going to be alright, truly... because you are GOD and GOD is eternal and furthermore, eternally GOOD.

What are you proud of? As self help junkies, we tend to look for things to improve upon, but it is just as important to be proud of the things that you have accomplished. Please share some things that you are proud of about yourself. Here is my list: I am proud of... The fact that my socializing skills has significantly improved. I am much more likely to talk to strangers at the gym or in a grocery store. I used to feel so quiet and reserved, now I say what's on my mind. The fact that I am competing and placing in these dance competitions, it was difficult to imagine getting to this point a couple of years ago but here I am. My emotional mastery progress, I am much more in tuned with my emotions and allowing them to pass through me is much easier. I am proud of myself for attracting a good looking woman into my life.

The Truth with a capital T is that he is not who she identifies with in an Absolute sense. He has concocted a story with characters and names and labels. NONE of it is real. In order for spirituality to run its course and work, she will have to admit this to himself; she is no one, he has no identity, she has no family, he has no friends, she has nothing. He is quite literally NOTHING at its core. This is so difficult for him to stomach because she is attached to this story that he has played out in her mind. To admit this Truth FEELS like he is experiencing her VERY REAL DEATH. He will not die in an Absolute sense, but her identity will die with the knowing of Truth. The sooner he can stomach this as reality, the sooner she can move on to the next facet of awakening.

Imagine if we started contemplating the nature of reality at age 5? We can raise children this way if we so choose.

Interlude: Contemplating structure in my life What is the current underlying structure in terms of my mind and where do I want to take this structure? As of right now I allow my mind to control the show, it has full control over my Spirit. Now, what do you want? I want to understand the world at a metaphysical level, beyond the material. This is my ultimate goal in life. Now, how do I get there? Right now, I have no direct experience of reality at a metaphysical level, none whatsoever.. I have some beliefs and concepts that relate to it, but I do not have any DIRECT experience of this situation. I have had short windows, mostly while on psychedelics when I am able to access a mind-state that is other worldly, but the problem is I am so bombarded by thoughts that I cannot experience the state for what it truly is. And what have you experienced? I've experienced what it feels like to have no identity, to have nothing to grasp onto. I understand what it feels like to be a floating ball of consciousness, to live in a world without labels, and it is .... TERRIFYING. To lose yourself, to lose what keeps you sane and grounded and stable and supported is one of the scariest feelings that a human being can experience. Why is it scary? Because losing my identity is the equivalent to death. If I lose myself then I will die. This is the conundrum that we find ourselves in when it comes to spirituality. Every one of us is searching for something that in the end will kill us, we have to let go and surrender everything that we hold near and dear to our hearts. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Interlude: The Masculine comes from the Heart I had a couple of cool insights about masculinity on my shrooms trip last weekend. Firstly, be who you are. No one cares about this made up version of yourself. Be secure with yourself. Don't feel like you need to subjugate yourself to ANYBODY... quite precisely because you are that somebody, therefore you don't need their approval or acceptance... you craving their acceptance is in essence craving your own acceptance of yourself, so focus on that first and foremost, love yourself for who you are.. for what you've done... for what you've accomplished. Love your being and it will shine outwards... you will have so much more room to make a positive and loving impact on the world. Sometimes I go through it, I don't know what to do, I'm confused, I need assistance, I'm sad, I'm annoyed, I'm not happy about this or that, but at the end of my life, I will die.. and I will meet my Maker, and I will tell him that I did the best I could with this life.. And thank you for allowing me to live it. I am eternally grateful. Ben is eternally grateful for this opportunity. Every man, as he climbs up the ranks in life will have more and more people depending upon him. A woman needs support to birth a child. The man's job is to be that support person, to be strong for her, to be stable and grounded, to love her being, to love her to the bones. He will also be a father, he has the same role there, he must be strong and emotionally stable yet loving.