Whitney Edwards

First step- to forgive the rapist Second step - to understand the rapist and his sadistic tendency Third step - to realize that such aspects exist in life. There is survival as well as death. There is no point in wanting everything to be perfect. The problem lies in expectations. Expectations that we will live in a happy world. This creates dissonance. It creates resistance. Good versus evil. Fourth step - that evil is a part of life and is here to stay. We can't pray it away. This is life. This is Dystopia. Fifth step - to liberate oneself from the notion of safety. To be one with un-safety. It's Wild West everywhere. Safety is Utopia. We were never guaranteed safety by any Sugar Daddy or Sky Daddy. Sixth step - That evil is as much a part of human design as Good is. That's why it doesn't go away. If it dies in one form it emerges in another. This is the Drama of Life. Last step - to find love within the elements of love. But let evil persist. Don't fight it. It wants to survive along with you. It won't completely destroy you as long as you aren't fighting for it's demolition. What destroys us in the end is calamity and not evil. The strange hatred against evil is because of extreme paranoia and it's not the solution to a peaceful existence because THERE IS NO peaceful existence. Those who love you will always love you unconditionally. They might not destroy evil but they love you. That is God-love. Devilry will stay. But the beauty of love will survive too. Maybe the rape dreams are a realization that I should simply accept reality. It's also a part of the reptilian brain. I can also call it tribalism. I might even think or assume that the Aztec lifestyle was close to reptilian behavior. This opens up new doors into my psyche. Also I shouldn't give up Christianity altogether. Christianity is the innocent aspect of the valley Girl. Also these could be manifestations of Stockholm Syndrome. It's a disease and it will have symptoms. I think rape dreams are a part of this symptoms range. I think it's like allergy or Inflammation. It keeps flaring up. Every time the stockholm syndrome flares up, there are possibilities of rape dreams and these subconscious symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome playing out. I also know that this is a Stockholm Syndrome thing. But I look at it this way. I don't look at it as something I need to get rid of. I look at it this way - Let's say this rape dream like a bad memory problem. It's like I'm having bad memory. Now I try everything in the world and yet it doesn't resolve my bad memory. Obviously I can't live with a bad memory because it's worsening my daily life with errors and mishaps and probably limiting my capacity and potential. I can't get rid of a "bad memory." Because the memory itself is corrupt. Yet I have to operate with this corrupted disk. I'll have to figure out ways to work around it in such a way that I'm operational despite a bad memory. You get that now. I will have to learn to get back my functionality despite this bad memory. Now I'm not going to gain my functionality 100% back, but I can gain it to a certain extent. That is let's say I was committing 50% errors in any work and now with improved alternatives to assist a bad memory, I'm making 10% errors. So that's a huge improvement. I guess that alone would be more than enough. That's what I'm looking for. I don't want to know the suffering of real rape victims. Because that's not solving my problem. That's only making me feel ashamed of something I don't want to be ashamed of. I want to treat it my own way which will make it feasible for me to operate despite it existing in the background. I know it's symptomatic of my past abuse lodged in my subconscious mind and it comes back as a haunting in the form of rape dreams yet I also know that this is a diseased part of me that I have to live with just like you live with an amputated leg. You just find ways to circumvent that.

Interpretation 9 Forgiving the rapist and tolerating the rape. Since I felt powerless and suffered Stockholm Syndrome, and survived and lived with the rapist in my dreams, I was left with a split personality. Psychologically speaking. On one hand, part of my personality was seeking tender love. I was extremely compassionate towards anyone who suffered. And I break down in tears when someone shows compassion to me. The other part of my split persona was to constantly imagine this act of victimhood and suffering where these images of my suffering at the hands of the rapist constantly arise taunting me, intrusive thoughts, the rapist is always in the background like an enemy sitting there watching me, telling me that I'm weak and helpless. That he hates me. That I need to suck up to him. That I'm his slave. Etc. Forgiving the rapist. On one side my subconscious is looking for tender love. The other half is reiterating that something is there that's holding me back. Can this be called subconscious sabotage? I don't know. But it's something. It does feel like sabotaging my spirit. It does feel like some Devil inside/outside of me who makes fun of me. How to forgive a rapist? Maybe by sympathizing with him. This is the ultimate. It's tough to do this. How can you forgive those who have done wrong to you? But there's no point in holding anger either. There is nothing to gain. Just let go. Consider the rapist to be a human being with needs. He has sadistic tendencies. His relief lies in torturing someone. He satisfies his bloodlust by rape, torture and sadistic activities. But nature has allowed this. This is a part of our animalistic tendencies. Nature does not say no to murder. Predator prey murder happens in nature all the time. The mightier wins. Reptilian aspects. Even in nature, the mightier is allowed to fuck the female. It sounds barbaric yet this uncivil part exists in nature just like the wild boar, the hyena, the vulture, all those. The animals are sitting duck to this torture. Forgiving the rapist Integrate the rapist. The rapist is animalistic. Yet the rapist exists of his own volition. He is never removed. He is not welcome either. Those animals live there. Those animals eat other animals. This feeling of being a prey. These aspects will always play out in life just like the aspects of hope, empathy, tender love. Where do we see these aspects? We see these aspects in War. Insane Wars. Children dying. Women being raped. War Crimes Then we can't make sense of senseless torture. Yet in that senseless torture we have to still find hope. Raging against the enemy does deliver temporary satisfaction. But it doesn't free us from War. We think war will never happen. But War is still happening. Wars will continue to happen. Also if it's not human war, then it's natural disaster that mimics a War like situation. The same pestilence. The same suffering. I feel like I am living in a dystopian fantasy. Stage Red survival. I will call my Rape Dreams - Dystopian Survival. Live or Die. Can't complain.

I'll add this to my morning playlist.

There are other feelings that accompanied the feeling of NEGLECT. feelings like - FEAR ABANDONMENT HOPELESSNESS FAILURE DESPERATION SELF PITY SADNESS NO HAPPINESS NO STABILITY NO IDEA OF THE FUTURE NO SECURITY NO GROUNDEDNESS FEELING LIKE IM FLOATING LIKE A VAGABOND NO HOME FEELING LIKE AN ORPHAN FEELING RAPED LIKE SOMETHING TAKEN FROM ME FEELING UNLOVED NOT FEELING STRONG CHAOS I think these feelings also existed in me due to losing my father at a young age. The feeling of lack of security and helplessness came from there. Knowing that there's not much left without a dad. A dad is generally a security figure. Losing that security. I saw a young ginger guy who was raping me in my dreams. He was a sociopath. And I still trusted him believing that he might love me. Despite his obvious coldness. Did I associate rape and torture with the feeling of security. I'm suffering from a problem since over a year now. I constantly get dreams where I have been or being raped. I don't understand why this happens. If anyone has any clue. My reactions to me being raped are two fold - one is where I feel helpless, desperate and pity my self. And it's like some kind of a reliving my helplessness. Like a negative reaction to it. And the second reaction is where I am feeling secure in the arms of the rapist. I know it sounds very absurd. I have spoken to my psychiatrist about this but they simply tried to gloss over it. The security feeling is like this - I feel the rapist would give me food, shelter, clothing, water in return for getting his way with me. I don't understand this feeling. But I don't feel like retaliating him. I don't feel like punishing him. Or escaping him. In my mind the feelings - "I deserve to be raped because nobody wanted me. This is rightfully what should happen to children like me who were abandoned." And then I feel like as long as I serve the needs of the rapist, I don't have to worry about my survival. What's the root cause of such feelings that make me feel stuck in some type of victimhood story? I wasn't sexually abused as a child. The worst part of this is that I associate rape with security. Why is this absurd corelation in my head when I should literally be thinking the opposite? Rape should have created the sense of panic and fear and or "fight mode" in me but it does the opposite. It's not soothing yet it feels like the rapist wants me, thus ensuring my survival. What complex feelings and beliefs or root emotions are breeding these weird mental patterns? My own interpretation of my rape dreams - I think there's a strong component of power association/dissociation going on. It seems like if someone was severely bullied in childhood (which I was), there was a nexus of power established between me and the bully like a bully contract. According to the terms of this contract, my own submission to the bully was equated with my survival. Survival was only possible by pleasing the bully. Satisfaction was reached when the bully was happy. They didn't give me any trouble. This became the survival dynamic in the early years of childhood. This established a power-surrender system and feedback loop. Whenever such surrender to the power was achieved, it meant ceasefire and thus relief. This relief meant a "peaceful survival." In Hinduism intercourse is defined as "sanbhog" or "mutual eating." I think by offering myself as a food to the rapist, it's like seeking the permission of the Devil. Or offering oneself as food to the Devil till they are satisfied. There are self-sacrificial elements involved. The bully power nexus aspects get reiterated in adulthood in the sexual context, where the same dynamic as childhood has to be played out. This also involves aspects of surrender, submission to the power of something. Slavish aspects! Interpretation 2. Sadism, power, control, submission. The rapist is seen as a bully. A controller. Sadist. Exploitative. Interpretation 3. Rape also involves intense aggression. It means some sort of intense aggression has been involved in childhood. Elements of aggression and control. Interpretation 4 Validation and comfort seeking Why do I seek the validation of the rapist in my dreams? Because in childhood I was supposed to be seeking the validation of an authority figure in a disdainful less respectful ways. The rapist is seen as someone very powerful. The need to seek the validation of someone so powerful is a source of relief. The mind that has been subjected to control seeks excitement in a power differential that is bigger than that found during childhood. Interpretation 5 Being validated by the rapist. This is temporary and sets up a very addictive dynamic. This is mental addiction. Just like an addict is looking for a high and then feels stimulated to the high of porn or sugar, initially there is dopamine release. The brain is in the stimulated state. Then it calms down and the stimulation hormones are low. Addiction means the arousal for stimulation happens frequently. Once it has died down, this need remains temporarily satiated until the beast arises again like hunger. Like the addiction to sugar. Once the deprivation is reached, the body once again looks for a high and another "shot." To feel better or excited. Once again the mental addiction to look for the validation of the rapist. The rapist's validation becomes a drug. In order to be validated by him, there has to be submitting to his predation once again. It doesn't feel good if he is unhappy. His satisfaction and validation is the high. There's a particular slave mentality involved here. "please the master" mentality. I found that this particular aspect was very powerful in my rape dreams. The master slave equation. It was really important to please the master to an addictive degree. It just didn't feel right if this wasn't reached. Like withdrawal symptoms. This addiction to punishment. Everytime I did not feel punished by the rapist, I felt intense frustration and upset, tiredness and feelings of guilt, emptiness or something lacking or insecurity. Did not want to be invalidated by the rapist. Yea these feelings mimicked withdrawal symptoms. These felt like apathy, listless, dull, bored, lack of motivation, even depressed. Feeling like I'm useless to the rapist. What if he doesn't want me anymore? What if he doesn't crave me anymore? Fear of invalidation and abandonment. What if he abandoned me? I would feel terrible. Whatever self worth I felt, it came from serving myself to him. Being his "food." He gave me that validation by making me feel wanted even though through coerced means. It's someone powerful not validating me anymore. He is not satisfied or I didn't do a good job at pleasing him. Interpretation 6 I think my frustration is arising from not being able to integrate this aspect in my life. This rape fantasy aspect. This is a loveless form of sex where the rapist has never shown me tender love or care but used me sexually and made me feel used, humiliated or attacked. This "attacked" aspect of my life. It's difficult to find peace with this aspect. I think I should not let it be buried in my subconscious and never address it. Rather integrate it into my life and forgive the rapist for what he does to me in my dreams. Interpretation 7 The aspects of being raped are also associated with the Gaza war or any kind of war. That's why I relate so much to the war. The death of innocence. Knowing that your enemy lives with you. I think in this rape ideology, I'm imagining that I should forgive my enemy for their unfairness to me. For my own powerlessness. The resistence to rape will only make it worse. Surrender to it. Although it's not an enjoyable experience, it also feels deeply unfair that I'm not being loved. Yet. This lovelessness is my shadow. I expect the rapist to love me. But I have become addicted to his hate. In his hate I should find love.. So I think other fundamental aspect of my rape dreams is that it shows a shadow of love and hate intermingly. I'm associating the rape with me being hated. And I should open my heart to this hate in a Jesus Christ kind of manner. My rape and rapist is my shadow aspect. Even in this shadow aspect I'm looking for love and not able to make sense of the animosity I have been shown. What is the rapist saying to me - "I'll destroy you. I'll make you my sex slave. I'll own you. I will torture you." He is establishing a chemistry with me but a sado masochistic one. A controlled one. His power and viciousness is what I'm attracted to because there in lies my security for life at least in a fictional way. Interpretation 8 I'll call this the wild boar aspect of my life. A shadow aspect. This wild boar is a predator.. This wild boar is a bully. He is a perpetrator. He is oppression. Slavery. It could be that my ancestry involved slavery and these aspects of slavery were lodged into my subconscious and they continued through samsara or birth cycle. And they haunt me now in my dreams.

I think the purpose of life is experienced at different levels. These levels can be called aspects.. Material aspect. Well being in a material sense. Bonding aspect. Family aspect. Spiritual aspect Supernatural aspect Humanitarian aspect Christianity aspect, religious aspect Character aspect. I think it's like a pyramid, like Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Purpose of life is experienced in every minute and every minute is an opportunity to execute this life purpose. I think our entire life journeys are about this life purpose. So you keep graduating at every level. And you keep building and refining at every level. The universe is always trying to align you to a purpose. And we are always getting distracted from this purpose by the world and our own life circumstances and problems.

An imaginary girl who was sweet and kind to me. She filled some void inside me. The feelings were abstract. They weren't concrete. I felt like I was looking for something I could never find. The valley girl was a girl with a pure heart. Either create or accept. Every minute we create reality. Dive deeper. What is it that you can repair? Sometimes nothing. In a minute, everything is silence. Everything is beautiful. Humanity is karma. Karma is the energy of creation. I'm shifting between states of consciousness. Humanity is really karma. The purpose of life is to find a home for your heart. Your heart is not happy. It's not fulfilled. All the problems are bothering you. Whatever happens it's not your prerogative to fix things. It's not your job. Bad things will happen. That's fine. The universe will take care of it. There is no need to worry about it. There is no right or wrong about it. Your frame is only human. Not non material. Life is deeply unfair and there should be acceptance of this reality. Inability to accept this creates storm and tension. What is the valley girl saying to me - take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. This world will snatch your soul. Your soul family is with you. I had a dream almost like a nightmare. In this dream I was scared of genuinely expressing my emotions. I said to myself - I didn't turn to drug addiction I didn't turn to drug addiction. I also realized for the first time that the deepest root cause of my upset and anger was NEGLECT I FELT NEGLECTED. This was the root cause of my abnormal and chaotic behavior and feeling mostly depressed and having that strange void that I often talk about. The coldness, the indifference, the neglect. Was the source of my pain and anguish. I feel like this was a supernatural clue to my problems.

This is a novel facet of consciousness that I have recently revealed to myself. Reality/consciousness is Absolutely Good, but simultaneously better than Absolute Good These two aspects are equivalent and interchangeable but not reducable to either one, which is what generates an infinite loop of form getting better than void The void is generic and the form concrete, and the concrete forms are all equally absolutely good, but some forms can be better than other forms. Infinity plus one is not infinity but more than infinity, thus some forms are better than absolutely good, and this feedback loop is accelerating in time. It does not reduce back into infinity or Absolute Infinity but adds more to it. Differentiation is as good as absolutely good, but it can be better than undifferentiation So after reality being love and absolutely good, it is also lovemaking and euphoric All void is euphoric, but some forms are more euphoric than other ones Void is making love with form, this is the most beautiful thing that exists, and even more beautiful than that because of the self-definition to be better than better Because of this suffering does not exist, pain is not real, and there is infinite bliss for forever. My definite plan for this month - embodiment - growing my intellectual capacity - writing my love stories - learning about the darker sides of the human psyche - going on a whirlwind trip of knowledge and understanding everything I can get my hands on. - working on my health - staying happy mostly - making sense of my past - being hyper active - giving a different direction to my life - being extremely productive - gaining a lot of wisdom and self awareness - working on being my best self - making a solid plan - knowing what kind of person is suited for me - working on my borderline disorder - burning karma. - keeping myself generally happy -wiping the slate clean - keeping myself trouble free - im contacting a spiritual guru this week - knowing the meaning of love.

Hmm. Spirituality is a part of something. Growth lines. - food, success, relationships. Health - spirituality, expansion of consciousness, enlightenment. Awakening. - love, peace, healing, growth, goodness, progress.

The rose in my sister's garden. Cute.

OK trying to collect pieces together once again. - I have to do a recap and restoration of my old journals. - focus on food girl. Go cook. - hunting for new perfumes. Still looking. Precious goodies. - will mute Snapchat after I reach a 1000 snapscore. I need a barely there social standing lol. - need to remind myself to take meds. New med schedule this week. - start some Facebook group and start some blog work girl - I'll be hunting for new job after 6 ¬months. Till then break and work on mental health. Therapy etc. - I have found a new friend. Great.. - continue writing End of Days - write schedules strictly. - what about the ice packs and use the private journal as well. Wink. - look into IFS therapy - look into DBT therapy for borderline - look for some productivity apps - book stuff after 10 days. - get your favorite perfumes girl. - my sister won a promotion. So I'm glad.

Confused between God and Satan. God is a feminine caring entity in my mind. Satan is a masculine dominating punishing entity in my mind. I want to do two standard practices - God's prayer for good intent and outcome. For grace and blessings. For beauty. For health. For growth. For compassion. For mercy. For love and company and support. For healing. For comfort and strength. For the ability to take the higher road. For virtues. For curing and healing. For doing the right thing. For expansion of compassion and empathy. For understanding. For peace. For sharing. For showing compassion. For celebrating. For Satan meditation - this is for release from moral judgement, this is for unburdening, confession, humility and for prevention from wrong things. Cleaning out demons. Cleaning house. Releasing blocks and psychic attacks. Generational curses. For fighting and blocking demons. For honesty. For forgiveness, compassion and mercy, repentance and confession and redemption innocence and clearing out conscience. For purgatory, punishment, hell. For liberation. For masculine protection. For saving. For belongingness and for loyalty, trust,faith. For obedience and harmony. For humility and destruction of pride and ego and other evils. For vices. For preventing further harm. For preventing abuse and disciplining. For getting straight and not loitering. For preventing traps and misery. It was quite a hot day. I was sweating like crazy. The temperatures climbed 90 degrees. I slept like a log through noon. I just couldn't get anything done. I was too tired and grumpy. Heatwaves are spreading throughout my city and some deaths were reported. My house is on the 6th floor. And it's directly exposed to the hot sun during noons. I could barely breathe.

I finally find a person who talks and expresses their phrases just like I do. Her name is Shea Whitney. I don't know what she does or who she is but I completely feel myself when I look at her gifs. It's like I found my twin.

Some of my art work.

Some of my art work.

Some of my art work

Took a character test. https://www.viacharacter.org/ And these are the results of my test - MY SIGNATURE STRENGTHS 1 Love (HUMANITY) Valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing & caring are reciprocated; being close to people. 2 Creativity (WISDOM) Thinking of novel and productive ways to conceptualize and do things; includes artistic achievement but is not limited to it. 3 Fairness ( JUSTICE) Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice; not letting feelings bias decisions about others; giving everyone a fair chance. 4 Curiosity (WISDOM) Taking an interest in ongoing experience for its own sake; finding subjects and topics fascinating; exploring and discovering. 5 Appreciation of Beauty & Excellence (TRANSCENDENCE) Noticing and appreciating beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in various domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience. Her personality is so much like me. Her name is Shea Whitney.

Balance is the key. I want to be with people who value me. Who will never disappoint me. Not perfect. But considerate enough to understand my needs. Yea I was chilling and watching YouTube. Beauty community lol. Too much drama. James Charles. Jeffree Star. I remember back when I followed them.. Unintelligible bs. You know sometimes karma just catches up with you. You know when you got all the fame, wealth and success in the world and you don't know what to spend your money on, then you graduallly turn into a miserable old hag, with all the makeup peeling off your face, the botox kinda popping up (think of Putin), the clothes getting outrageous and tacky, the language more vulgar, the eyes getting smaller, the eyebrows disappearing and getting replaced by long overdrawn pencil lines, the lips looking oddly shaped, all that plastic surgery showing your mistakes you made in your youth, and then all the silicone popping up, and you holding on to your baubles, your empire crumbling, the megalomania, you buying the latest trendy stuff to appear relevant meanwhile you been irrelevant since years now, and you don't really have peace of mind, the failure of your business driving you crazy, you drinking heavily every night and partying as a cope and then spending money on shallow stuff. I mean some people need their karma to realize that no amount of fame and money will ever bring true peace of mind. It's an illusion I mean on the flip side, I want to grow and find new avenues of growth, I want to continue to make positive changes to my life, I want to keep succeeding in my life in my own ways and find new opportunities and new ideas and creativity and experience and learning and real growth. God doesn't prey on your insecurities. God doesn't prey on your flaws. God doesn't judge you God understands your mistakes What's masculine and what's feminine? Masculine is bold, brave, leader, fearless - holding someone accountable. Confrontational. Making someone realize what wrong they are doing. Bashing. Not punishing. Using anger productively. - ownership of one's mistakes. Taking accountability. - being very authentic and honest. Not afraid of being honest. Not afraid of being authentic - being abundant in providing. Not afraid - being bold on their word. Feminine - being able to keep everyone happy - being able to show understanding, empathy, compassion. Analytical. - being able to show hope and positivity and provide comfort during someone's crisis. - being vulnerable about one's weaknesses. Being able to cry. Think masculine all the time A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. What if a thing shuts down? What would you have done then? Do we die if we don't have a phone? Make good of whatever you have. Rather than chasing what you don't. Focus on LOA, you'll get what you want one way or another. Even if you don't get something, the door is shut, another door opens. Even if you don't get something, it's okay. God is the ultimate masculine provider. Remember stage blue values. We think that that things are essential. But shouldn't God give us the things that are truly essential to us? A narcissist will always market himself as a true trophy. It's like a girl who is trying to play hard to get. The feeling that people are chasing the narcissist is particularly important to him. Yet what he is offering is hardly of any great value and it's perceived value dissipates in the drama and mayhem that he generates to give the image of the perceived value. The narcissist likes to believe that they are offering something of great value because that's how they legitimize themselves. They come from deep insecurity. I don't know why I'm loving Marilyn Monroe so much. She has become my new inspiration. Regarding communication. I also don't want to talk to people who don't want to keep any goodwill with me. It's not necessary that someone needs to be my friend. But I'm always stuck in situations where I'm trying to resolve (all it needs is some talk),but the other person isn't interested in resolving things. Then fine. Go your way. I don't need to talk either. Once I know that I'm apologizing to someone (mostly because they started some mess), I realize that I can never have long term peace with such people. Then it's done. What are the 5 big things that I want in life Peace of mind Healing Love Freedom Stability and Security

One positive affirmation statement. There's peace in my heart. I want to be with people who value me. Who will never disappoint me. Not perfect. But considerate enough to understand my needs. I was thinking about being mega rich and starting my own brand . I would have named it Burlase Organics.

We need good things in life to feel good. I don't know maybe I'm a bit materialistic but that's okay. Like Leo says burn your karma first. First i need to start with music. I want to make a morning activation playlist that gets me ready for the day. Jumpstart ready. And then some healing music. I want to add some happy vibe music too. And then some Shaktipat vibration kundalini music followed by meditation music. I want to align my energy to the highest goodwill and to the highest peace. As well a good mood. I want my aura and vibration to be healed. My goals Work on borderline personality disorder Work on autism Farm work Shaktipat Kundalini energy work Mental health improvement INFJ personality Sigma characteristics Law of attraction Manifestation Bryon Katie work Emotional healing Focus on getting my health on track Prepare for my exams and tests Cultivate a beautiful relationship with my husband. Heal my sexual repression Become a Tarot reader or pursue as a hobby Tenets of Hinduism. I need people with 7 qualities in my life. People who understand me people who know how to trust me people who show me maturity people who are competent people who know how to exactly handle me people who are totally fair and not biased Healthy, honest, non judgemental, direct, confrontational and extremely loving, courageous, protective, matured, forgiving and extremely competent. I have to remember to empower myself. I don't know where the next leg of my journey is going to take me. . I have to live. I have to nurture myself. I learned some lessons. In fact I learned a lot of lessons. I feel like I am growing up really fast. This has always been the case. I'd love to live in this room lol. I understand that life is best played in a collaborative, non-zero-sum manner, and I will strive to enrich and empower others through careful logical considerations and my own authentic heartfelt moral compass. Furthermore, I am open to exploring and understanding consciousness through meditation, kriya yoga, and psychedelics, as I believe this will help me to become a more compassionate and empathetic person. If they're like a worm in your mind, you gotta surgically remove that worm. It's just not worth the hell that it brings your life. I like the word "emptying work" for this -- it's letting go. https://www.nothingcon.com/ Focus on the beautiful and the positive. When there are so many beautiful and positive things, why focus on the negative. And people who are negative to others, really what kind of people are they anyway - either immature, aggressive, narcissistic or just with nothing better to do. Probably jealous or just people who are never taught to be nice. Remember decent people (not necessarily good hearted, at least they possess social calibration and know how to respond, bad or good is a different ballgame) will never act like this. In reality however, people who act like assholes online can be helpful or genuine. Not everyone who lacks social calibration is bad hearted.. Don't be carried away and deluded by sweet words. First way to control impulsivity is to re-read your own post 3 times before posting. Do that. I have to remind myself that I have BPD and I'm autistic. I'm sick and tired of all the judgement. Why do I justify myself so much to people? Why don't I feel truly confident in myself? I think if I develop confidence then I will not need to constantly please others or justify myself. I need to be able to say a hard no. Like fuck it. "whatever you want, I don't care" mentality because I have zero obligation and those who wanna stay, they won't keep blaming, it's another thing if someone is genuinely upset with me and it's totally my fault. But otherwise. Why does it matter if someone thinks bad about me? When you have low self esteem a lot of things can get screwed up. There is some sort of comfort in rejection. There's empowerment in rejection You tend to engage in self blaming when people gaslight you. It's a potent form of cultish psychological abuse. But when you reject on your own, you're no longer seeking validation in a parasocial relationship. You deny it. You deny its usefulness. When you reject something, you no longer feel bad, low, humiliated, discarded or guilty. It's up to you to reject something that is never meant for you. Don't give so much power to others that you begin to lose your own power. One thing that I have realized is that I'm not exactly low IQ (or I might be) but I'm certainly not very wise. And my mental illness tends to complicate my lack of wisdom. Also, my autism might be a major contributing factor. Dismiss what doesn't belong to you. Appreciate whatever comes.

Journal Entry Monday August 12 Feeling exhausted a bit. Still thinking how I should arrange my planner. I have a test in 2 months for which I need to prepare. I need to take better care of myself. I spend a lot of my time in unnecessary stuff. My spiritual stuff is still pending. My tarot cards are on the way. Things are looking better. I don't feel suicidal anymore the way I used to sometimes. My mental health is not improving rapidly and that's frustrating. But still I'm taking baby steps. I want stability and security. And a sense of self that is firm. I'm an INFJ pisces female. I have mental health issues that I need to work on. The only thing I shopped for was tarot cards. They fascinate me.

I don't know if there are hidden advantages to being a conformist. If you're a conformist you can be an excellent corporate climber.