withinUverse

Ooohhh-weee! Ok I’m excited… I was doing some online searching and I’m getting excited! I found courses and clubs that I think are going to help me train for future projects I’m working towards. So again I cannot seem to forget about my visions in the jungle so I find myself trying to figure out how to prepare for these expeditions. So originally I’ve been looking into finding employment on a horse ranch so I can get experience on what it involves to caretake and ride horses. But I also found there are packhorses for expeditions in the wilderness and there’s some employment opportunities usually for hunting excursions but there’s days-long to week-long camping trips using horses too. Now, going through the employment side of things is tricky because… ding ding ding… I have no experience. So it’s hard to get a response from the employers. I thought well maybe I can ge a guest instead, but as a guest I wouldn’t necessarily be learning the skills I’m wanting to learn because everything will be catered to me as a guest as if it’s the easy way of exploring the wilderness. But then I ran into National Outdoor Leadership School and then I saw there are courses that seems to be right up my alley. Let’s see the language they used that caught my attention. “Vacations are great for a week or two. NOLS teaches real skills in wild places so you can adventure for a lifetime.” “While learning to climb, sail, backpack, and more, you’re getting experience making decisions and mentorship from your instructors on managing risk with your group—meaning you’ll finish the course ready to lead friends and family on your own wilderness trips.” “WE’RE MISSION-DRIVEN TO BE EDUCATORS, NOT GUIDES That means you’re the one learning to set up your tent, cook full meals on a camp stove, and be a leader in your group. While your instructors will provide mentorship and support, by the end of your course, their goal is to be your sidekick rather than your boss.” “CONNECT WITH OTHERS AND FULLY OWN YOUR EXPERIENCE The benefits of a course like this go beyond paddling a kayak alongside ice-blue glaciers, or reading a map to navigate Alaska’s flower-studded valleys. When you focus on learning, you gain trust in yourself, the communication skills to cultivate a group culture, and the confidence to take risks and attack challenges.” “Refining your personal leadership style Practicing Leave No Trace principles Connecting with and respecting local cultures Forming relationships with your peers Becoming a responsible, competent wilderness traveler NOLS Adult Expeditions. https://www.nols.edu/en/adult-expeditions/. 28 August, 2023. “DATA-DRIVEN CURRICULUM The curriculum on your course has been tested in the wilderness and informed by the latest research and industry standards. Our staff are industry experts and experienced practitioners devoted to best practices. Curriculum for Expeditions Curriculum for Wilderness Medicine” Why NOLS. https://www.nols.edu/en/professionals/why-nols/. 28 August, 2023. This is what I’m looking for! The initial interest in is the Wilderness Horsepacking Expedition course. I’m also interested in the Wilderness Medicine curriculums. “GET CERTIFIED Step forward on your next adventure with the preparation, confidence, and knowledge that comes with a wilderness medicine certification. Wilderness First Aid 2-day course designed for outdoor recreationists like hikers, campers, and boaters to gain confidence in managing common injuries and illnesses in the outdoors. Wilderness Advanced First Aid 4-day course designed for outdoor recreationists like hikers, campers, and boaters to gain confidence in managing common injuries and illnesses in the outdoors. Wilderness First Responder 9- or 10-day course designed for outdoor professionals to respond to emergencies and make decisions in remote environments. Hybrid Wilderness First Responder 3 modules of online learning and 5 days of in-person learning. Wilderness EMT 1-month course offering EMT training and certification combined with skills for providing pre-hospital care in the wilderness.” NOLS Wilderness Medicine Courses. https://www.nols.edu/en/wilderness-medicine/courses/. 28 August, 2023. I’m not certain, but I might want to go all the way to the Wilderness EMT but definitely First Responder. I know this would be geared to professionals but if there isn’t going to be a professional in our group then might as well get as much training as reasonably possible. That also makes me want to say I’ve been looking into these courses to also train the group I’m going to be taking with me. It’s nice to see there are options in Spanish-speaking locations as well. I know at least there are going to be Peruvians joining me and I want them to be as prepared and confident as well. So lol… I didn’t look into courses at first I knew they were an option but I always seem to assume these courses would be out of my monetary range, but actually it doesn’t seem to be too bad. The equipment doubles the cost, but I don’t see these costs as out of range. And honestly this is the first website that I found and there are probably alternative schooling available that I’ll explore later. I was in the groove last night and so I started to see if there were any courses for scouting or cartography… actually I’ve looked into this a little without really finding any success of going several years to a school or something, but I did find “Orienteering” as key word instead of scouting. And there is actually Orienteering clubs and one that’s not far from where I am. There seems to be several clubs throughout the country and possibly in other countries which is wonderful! I went ahead and reached out to the local club and directed my inquiry to the Educational Director. He quickly responded and we’ve started our conversation on how to begin this activity. I thought this would be a great prerequisite before enrolling into a wilderness program. I won’t feel so “newbie” if I can begin navigating and hopefully mapping unknown territory. Lol… of course when I get excited I want to talk about it and so of course I start telling my pops. We laugh because he’s getting our routine down when I find things I’ve been looking for by switching up my approach from time to time. I’m really excited to see what the educators of this club has to offer. Again he’s been very responsive which is a wonderful sign. Shoot I might start this week… yay! Lol.. I don’t even have a compass yet but I think there are a few options to choose from so why don’t I get an experts advice on how to choose and just go from there. Ok… I wanted to write this out for now… let’s see what comes up.. yay, until next time

Alright… so I went on a little camping trip to the Sand Dunes in Michigan with a guy I’m getting to better understand. I wrote about him back in March… I met him through salsa dancing and we went on a small hike at Mounds State Park. We haven’t really spoken until recently. I did remember a few weeks back I was wondering what he was up to and then shortly after he reached out. So we decided to go to the dunes and camp out. I didn’t realize the park was also along the coast of Lake Michigan. So after hiking and working up a sweat in the dunes we got to cool off and relax in the lake and on the beach. I passed out on the beach and so I got a little more sun than I was expecting. I got a little hint of redness but it’s tanned over now. It was fun to go into a different space in nature I haven’t been before. I’ve visited some sand banks that are decent size in Florida, but I haven’t been to dunes before. Ran into some plant species that I haven’t seen before which was cool. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, but it went well. He’s about ten years younger then I am. I have a feeling that he might be curious to see if I might be interested in him in a manner romantically. I have that in the back of my mind, and I wish it wasn’t so present in my mind when I’m meeting and hanging out with people. But it’s there and I always have to figure out the appropriate time and manner to address my romantic mindset at this time. But he’s very mature and it wasn’t needed to be addressed immediately. I wasn’t sure how our conversations were going to go but I know I was finding an opportunity to see how much exploration into spirituality he has gone. There were a few attempts where I was trying to seed his curiosity but most of the time he wasn’t taking the bait. It wasn’t until we were driving back to Indiana that I took a more direct approach and asked him direct questions. Right… I use words to see if he’ll ask questions or expand on his understanding in these areas. So psychedelics and Enlightenment where key words I feel I started to seed him to see if he wanted to continue a deeper conversation or not. By the way… most of our conversation is not these topics… I usually like to get to know the history and interests of whom I’m speaking with. And I’m getting better at feeling that possibly I might be giving too much information to absorb so redirecting the conversation back to comfortable material subjects. I know I’m trying to get better at socializing in a more general sense, but I also know there’s a desire to see how to explore someone’s curiosity towards spirituality as well. I figure what’s attracting us to have this experience together? Yes I’m getting better at being more comfortable in new energies and bringing up topics in a more casual way as well. Having different conversations with different states of consciousness always increases my understanding in general ways, which is important for me. It was pretty funny when we went to the campground to setup our spot. He brought the tent but it was the smallest tent that I had used before… hehe… it was a backpackers tent that could fit two bodies and unable to sit up without hitting the top of the tent. So utilitarian tent to sleep in. I was chuckling as we were putting it up… A part of me was like… I don’t mind sleeping in close quarters with him, but I don’t really know him too well… so depending on how this plays out… I made a comment that I won’t hesitate to just sleep in the car if necessary. But again… this isn’t the way I say it, but I know he’s picking up what I’m saying without making him feel like I’m creeped out by him. But I find myself chatting with some of the other campers who are walking by. There were two couples who are retirement age walking by and I found myself asking them how they are and where they’re from. They make a joke about the tent’s size… and they’re like I want to sleep very close to you…lol… he said he had a larger tent but he couldn’t find it… but he emphasized if we decide to do this again he’ll find the other tent to make it a bit more spacious and comfy for us. One of the ladies was laughing because that was a similar situation that her girlfriend (the other lady) had with her now husband on their first date. But her girlfriend said it wasn’t their first date… it was their first camping trip. I laughed because that was what is happening here… I didn’t say it but I was like at least they were in a dating situation… hehe… but it really wasn’t a big deal. Again he’s a gentleman and respectful so I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. But yes of course I made it clear to him that I’m not interested in him romantically. But again not directly… I had been mentioning ceremonies… there’s many topics I would bring up but I did bring up what I said had been the trickiest messages I’ve had which is about the Aussie man. I didn’t go into every detail but he caught on by the words I used. I knew it was understood when the next day in a conversation he brought him back up… and I was thankful that he was listening and connecting the dots. However, when I was speaking about enlightenment I knew the connection wasn’t as obvious or being understood. I also found myself finding a way to stop the engagement and redirect the conversation. Hoping something might encourage curiosity some time to come. But maybe not. He’s very intelligent and says he’s scientifically minded. He’s a materialist and finds it hard to accept Christianities views about spirituality. He mentioned at the camp that he feels what I focus on about spirituality and enlightenment is admirable. And so I thought this would be a way to ask him a direct question when we were in the car the next day. We had like three hours in the car so I thought it would be time to see how deep we could go into conversation. So I asked him what his understanding of Enlightenment is. He said that he used to think about it more when he was younger, but lately he doesn’t really think about it. So I said.. in the past what was your concept of Enlightenment for him. And he said he feels it’s a way to simplify his life. He doesn’t want to have to go and travel or take any substances to explore his internal world. I thought that was a good start but I wanted to see what he meant by the words he chose to use. I first asked about his internal world… obviously I said this is crucial in spiritual work. This internal conversation that plays out in our mind. I asked if he had attempted to meditate… he said he had… I asked if he felt frustrated when he first attempted and he admitted that he had felt that. I said when I began I noticed that I’d try to listen to sounds in my surrounding and then I’d notice that my thoughts started to drown out the sounds. I remember we spoke a little about this the last time we spoke. He had admitted at times he’s talking to himself in his head that he doesn’t necessarily always hear what’s being said. But again… from time to time I knew he was listening from how our conversation was going and mentioned… so he was doing a pretty good job at being present. I also mentioned how sometime I was frustrated why the certain thoughts were even being brought up and didn’t even know what was going to be thought next. It was the observation of all this that is the internal work which is important. So technically yes he doesn’t have to travel or take and substances to do this. But we can be doing internal work anywhere and at anytime. So he actually does travel a lot.. so I know that’s something he’ll continue to do and that shouldn’t stop him from doing the internal work, right. Sounds obvious but sometimes we make criteria of what’s the perfect setting to do the spiritual work. I didn’t address the extra substances at this time. But I went into the simplification of his life. I wanted to understand what he meant by this. I was wondering if it’s material objects in his life? Or is it distractions in his life to focus on what he finds valuable. He said yes… that’s what he had meant. I also said this seems to naturally come when we become more conscious in our spiritual growth. So I liked what his understanding is. So this is when I tried to see how open his mind was and to see if i was going to spook him by talking about enlightenment in a way that maybe he wasn’t familiar with. I admitted to him that when I started this work more consciously I didn’t know that there was going to be a dimension to this work where enlightenment takes our understanding beyond human. I had to mention what I repeated in just general conversations that language is being interpreted differently… but I’m going to continue anyway and that it’s going to possibly sound crazy but again I wanted to continue this line of conversation. He didn’t ask what beyond human means… he didn’t actually ask many questions which I hoped he would. It give me a chance to explore his curiosities, but I just went ahead and said… when I said beyond human it’s experiencing life not only as a human. I tried to give a little background that what most of us experience is being conditioned to believe we are humans living a fragile and limited life. I was seeding a few things when I was explaining things… but again there were no questions. And then I decided to use the word the realization of a deeper understanding of God. So this was brought up briefly the day before on the beach but again… there wasn’t an in depth conversation about this. I was trying to see if we could explore all the definitions of what God could be. But I told him that I had a very rudimentary and crude definition of God when I was an atheist… it was such an absurd definition mostly to be able to debate and argue with people. Obviously I do not consider God as a supreme being in the clouds of heaven watching and judging us. My understanding as it continues to grow that God is absolutely everything. We are God but not just humans but the Universe is God. God is not separate from anything. This is when he said it’s hard for him to consider that God is part of babies die from hands of murderers and things like this. He cannot see how God would be involved with any of this. I said what if… when we are only in human consciousness he tend to view God as another human personality… so we assume we judge things as good and evil… and that death is something we are trying to avoid at all cost. He said if this is part of God, then I don’t want anything to do with God. I said God is a part of that but is a part of all the things you love about reality as well. I was trying to explain to him using the example Leo has used about gravity. We have an idea of gravity being present on Earth and it has no biases to anything. It doesn’t have a personality to judge people as evil and then just allow those people to not be affected by it’s gravitational pull and allows those people to float off into space and away from Earth. In a way that could be a way to see God. Instead of having a judging personality… God loves the babies but also the murderers the same. In fact what if death is the realization we are God? At this time he said well I don’t really agree with this statement. That seems way too much like Christianity and I don’t agree with this. He likes Christianity because they are trying to give a good sense of morality to people. But in a sense he likes to view things scientifically and when we die we just don’t know. I said… not knowing is a good place to start. I didn’t continue the conversation. I thought maybe it’s getting a bit heavy and a bit too much to discuss so I tried as smoothly to change the subject. But in my mind I continue the conversation. I feel if he heard what I said… most Christians I know would think the statement I said would be almost blasphemous or heretical. I’m not certain.. maybe he has more open-minded Christians he speaks with… so that’s great. But many of the Christians I speak with seem to have a belief they are not worthy to be placed in an equal manner as Jesus let along God. They are trying to be moral to gain worthiness into the gates in Heaven to meet and be in the presence of God. To say when we die we become God… I don’t know of too many Christians who would agree to this. And many would feel the same as his views of not being able to see God in what they consider evil acts. I’m wondering when we meet again if this might be a conversation I might bring up. I’d like to see what about Christianity he doesn’t agree with. I know my opinion, but I wonder what his is. By the way, I did get permission from him to discuss our experience together… but I wanted to get some things off my mind. I had babysat my cousin’s baby last week. I thought I had written in the Journal about it, but I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Any way it was a lot of fun and it’s getting me to wonder a different job potentially. I had been looking into a company called Gymboree which teaches newborns to five year olds and their parents to play and learn together mostly through music and art. I haven’t really taught this age group before and I feel I’d really enjoy it. I believe there’s a position relatively close by that offers part-time opportunities. I’m contemplating adding this along with the stage setup. I’d really like to be able to have a better handle on my cravings for smoking. I know I’d be able to not engage with it while I’m at work, but I also know the thoughts that arise when I’m resisting the urge. I feel like I”m right there to be able to push myself to stop, but I’m also not trying to push myself too fast… I can feel my momentum shifting to being ready to be ready to not be a consistent smoker. I’m getting there. Well… that’s good for now… until next time.

Alright, hello… so… I’ve been waking up the last few days and I keep thinking about communication in different states interpreting the communication. I’ve been more aware how much lost in translation occurs… at least in my opinion. But in a greater sense it’s what it is and so if it’s supposed to be lost then that’s what it is. Even though I notice this doesn’t stop me from wanting to find a way to communicate with more clarity. I’ve been noticing when I’m lost and when other’s are as well. I’ve also been aware that I’m trying to be more socially acceptable… hehe.. I’m not sure how to explain this because in a way I’ve always worked on this, but also in another sense I haven’t. So let’s see what’s been happening to explore more of what I’m trying to say… hehe So Tuesdays I’ve been driving to the drum troupe practice which is an hour away and so I like to make a day out of it. Before I left I was messaging a few guys. The first conversation was with the guy who has been doing well in conversations of whether he’s ready to continue consciously with his Spirituality and ceremony. I had introduced him to Leo’s video the dangers of Spiritual work. I received a message that he wants to continue… he says he keeps asking himself if this is something he wants to do even watching this video he feels like he’s ready. He said he’d like to share ceremony and would like to invite my girl friend who I introduced him too. Now in a sense I’d love for this to happen, but in another way I’m trying to figure out if he’s really ready. I’m still very relaxed in sharing ceremony. I’ve been finding that the more people are asking to share the ceremony the more I’m questioning their motives. So I told him to not necessarily worry about ceremony at this time. Ceremony will arise when it does and we don’t have to necessarily plan it out right now. I admitted to him that communication has been getting lost in translation so I wanted to make sure that ceremony at this time is giving him glimpses of the potential of higher states of consciousness. But it’s the daily life activities where he’s learning how to embody these higher states. So most of the work is done outside of ceremony per se. So again I was trying to emphasize that the work he’s going to be doing on himself and his Spirituality is going to be on the regular daily basis. I know he’s excited about ceremony, he had a really great experience with Bufo and I think he’s just excited with such a new approach he perceives I lead in my life. But I also find that he has a hastiness to him too. I get it, but I’m trying to steer him to be more grounded than I was myself. I asked him if he could explain to me what his thoughts were of why he thinks he should be on this path and what did he think about Leo’s video… His response was the exact same from the last time we spoke. When I was visiting him and his family he said this and his result was that he probably isn’t ready. This time he used the same words to say he is ready… hehe… I was trying to encourage him to open up a bit more to better explain to me and himself why the change in mindset. But there wasn’t anything new to his thoughts. So as I’ve been getting to know him deeper… I do find that I want to use language that isn’t really in his vocabulary. I’m definitely familiar with that myself… My vocabulary can use some help, but I also want him to get a better idea of levels of consciousness and introduce him to areas that I feel will help him get a better sense of the vocabulary and ideas I’d like to talk to him about. So I suggest a few more videos of Leo’s to see again if he’s willing to open up his mind to Spiritual topics and I keep trying to tell him how much Leo has helped me along this path. I keep telling him how much Leo has dedicated his life to help assist people to Awaken and if he’s serious I want to introduce him to tools that have helped me. I don’t know if these will help him or if it’s his style, but if this is knew to him… I frankly don’t want to explain things that Leo has done in much more depth and the variety of content that I’m willing to do myself for him. I’m asking him to do some work on his own time with guidance from someone who helped guided me. I am finding that I’m wanting to create a distance to people so they don’t rely on me to hold their hands through this process. And I’m telling him that his work is to find out what works for him, but since he’s new to this what I can suggest are things that worked for me. I”ll help you right now, but eventually you won’t need my help and also I don’t want to do the work for him… it just won’t work anyway… hehe. So with our conversations I went ahead and suggested the no—bullshit explanation to Spirituality, the introduction of the model of spiral dynamics, and what is authority. This time I was more specific about our conversations over these videos. First of all I sent him videos that are older… so I told him that these are a few years old… just to give him a better idea that I was watching these videos when they were originally posted. I’ve been watching Leo’s videos for years now and I’ve been using these tools and I restated that I’ve watched hundreds of hours on these videos, but this was not something fleeting in my life. I took it seriously and possibly if I can see he’s wanting to take it seriously than I’m more willing to spend more time with him as well. I understand that I can help in conversation but I also know I’m very developed in ceremonies as well. Not saying I’m the best but I have a natural knack in this space, but again I’m not so open right now to share it with everyone when they want me to. If they want to share ceremony with me, I want to make sure they understand that my time and attention is going to be shared when I’m ready as well. I want him to be able to have conversations about these videos I said. I’m hoping he can see the value in Leo’s work so he can start getting interested in exploring the material that’s being given and easily available. But again trying to let him know that most of his time is going to be with himself and not with me. Now granted I do see the advantage he has to have me available to speak with. I told him there’s not going to be many people he knows that are going down this path… so having me as a resource will be an advantage for him, that I was not able to have as I am in this process. Well… hehe… I told him possibly using the forum might be of value to him… so I guess I did have the forum available to me that I didn’t use and which was in my opinion an advantage for me in my path because I know people on the forum like to point out things or debate things that I feel would have hinder my style of understanding. But it could be a possible resource for him. I’m again trying to show him tools and he’ll have to find out whether they resonate with him or not. So as I’ve been communicating with him… .not just in this conversation but in other conversations I’ve been trying to find a way to get him to understand what I’m trying to point to… but again I also know what he’s picking up is exactly what he’s supposed to be picking up. I know at his stage he’s only going to be hearing and understanding what he’s supposed to be at this time. I know I’ve been more blunt with him, but I also know I’ve been trying to ease it into conversation… I know I do this a lot with the ones I communicate with, but I also know that if it gets to the point of being blunt without ease… I’m getting more comfortable doing this as well. Lol… I’m finding that being easy into situations seems to lead to lost in translation situations… so I’m getting more comfortable of not always being easy in my approach all the time. I do feel a bit of frustration in conversation, but it’s not them… it’s me… why am i trying to making it easy and being fragile with the messages that are an apparent focus at this moment. I know I’m still trying to find a balance in communication. And I feel he’s a bit more receptive so I don’t have to be so aggressive like I find myself being with others. Aggressive probably isn’t the vocabulary I’m wanting to use… it feels like when I communicate there are times that I use dramatic language when it’s not the case, but it’s the way I try to make a point… hehe… I’ll get better at this. Anyway… it was a good conversation and I”m curious to see what results from this. So after this conversation I had another guy message me. We hadn’t hung out since our camping trip. This is the brother who has a dog. He wanted to see if I was available to hangout… he was leaning towards playing some disc golf. I thought about what I wanted to do this trip to the drum practice and I thought I didn’t have to go play disc golf in Yorktown this time and I could go ahead and get a game in before I left. So I suggested that to him. When I said this I told him that I was going to practice and I make a day out of this. I believe he knew this, but possibly he didn’t remember… but then he said he’d love to join me on my day along with his dog if I’m looking for some company. Lol… in fact I didn’t want company because I really enjoy my day to myself before practice. I’ve really been liking my alone exploration time throughout the day and being very chill. But that didn’t stop me from opening the opportunity to allow them to join me. So I was thinking what am I going to be doing? I’m stopping to get some spring water, get doughnuts for my pops, I was going to get a few groceries for myself, I wanted to do some hiking and swimming at the reservoir again, and then I’ll be in practice. So we’ve got a dog that wants to join us… this is where I was thinking about being socially acceptable. I know this friend really likes to clash with authority of society and I feel he assumes I’m the same way… again in a way yes, but not always in certain situations. He mentioned that he and his dog can just hang somewhere while I was doing my thing… so I asked him if there’s a particular place he wants to go… but he didn’t. So I said I’m not certain being with his dog will work… The drum practice is indoors for three hours… so I doubt he’d want to be alone outside for this time… and I don’t believe this reservoir trails and swimming allows dogs only in the camp areas. As I was running this through along with my desire to just go by myself I ended up telling him that today will not be the best day. I’m completely free tomorrow or Thursday… that will work best for me. He did mention that he’d like to get some spring water too so I said I could swing by and pickup his containers. When I said that he said ok cool… I’ve got to get some food and water for the dog before we go… and I knew something got lost in translation. I said that I don’t think we’re on the same page… let’s see if he read what I was intending. Today I’m going to stop by and pick up containers to get spring water for him… and tomorrow we’ll take the dog and go swim and hangout. His response was funny… he said well. “I suppose that’s one way to read it”… and so I made it clear… that hanging out tomorrow will work for me. And he said that he just likes to be in the Now and doesn’t really like to plan things out so much. But said tomorrow will be cool too. I’ll post this part of our texting…hehe.. it’s been humorous to see so many times where we’re not on the same page when I assumed we were while we were talking. Ok so I have to admit… my poor dad has to hear my reactions to these conversations… lol… I seem to not be able to stop myself… even though I”ve been more selective of what I share with him… but there’s time I am expressing the thoughts going through my mind. This is when I’m telling him that I want to be, “AAAHhhh!” But on the other hand I’m like why am I wanting to be so “AAAHhhh!” Lol… he understood… there’s a weird style of communication that I have especially with people I’ve had years and years of experience with that makes sense… hehe… well I don’t perceive any lost in translation going on. So again this is my process of easing into communication. Again it’s inside me… I knew that I wanted to go alone but I also am open to hanging out with him. If I was just clear at the start it wouldn’t have gotten lost, but when it was brought up I didn’t really think it through too much.. so I was trying to work it through to make everything work… but then I was honest with myself and then trying to find my way to get to the clarity so everyone’s on the same page. We did end up hanging out yesterday and enjoyed ourselves but I’ll go into that after I finish my Tuesday. So he wasn’t ready for me to pick up the containers for the spring water… So I went ahead and headed out. Again I’ll continue to say the small things I’m experiencing is so satisfying… like driving in the country… I absolutely love country cruises, once I get onto a nature trail it just does something to me. I feel so calm and connected… I love the dancing leaves in the wind and the music from the wind, birds, and insects. The large grasshoppers who are trying to fly away from me but we’re following the same gravel path. I’m getting better at noticing the spider webs… because I love seeing the spiders but feel a little guilty when I walk through them because I wasn’t paying much attention. The cooling sensation when walking into the shade of the trees. Water!!! water… being submerged into water… floating… the sensation on my skin… so satisfying… the feeling of my hair and body floating and weightlessness… feeling the difference with allowing the flow with the currants but also the resistance to the flow is nice too. I ran into some raspberries so I did a little forging too. Yes these moments are really appreciated when I’m alone… I know I still have these moments when I’m spending time with others but I feel more open and available when I’m not with another human…hehe… when a human gets involved I start to adjust my focus. And at times I’m good with that, but at other times… I’d rather not. The drum practice was really fun! There were four more drummers I hadn’t met yet. Having more drums really added to the experience, but in another sense made it a bit more chaotic. Now I know that this is where I’m getting lost in translation. I’m not used to African drumming compared to this troupe so I’m still getting introduced. Not always was it chaotic but there were a few moments where the sounds seemed to get so mashed up that I couldn’t hear the harmony of it but it still gave me an intense reaction that felt good too. I’ve been practicing the rhythms so the woman I usually follow along with started introducing adding a few rhythms in the same song… to add diversity into the mix and add a bit of challenge and I loved it and she loved how quickly I was picking it up. They are still asking if I want to do a solo, but I feel I haven’t really got the confidence to be free to do a solo yet… but I’m getting there. I’m trying to add the different tones and slaps and flams… hehe… I love the conversations with sounds during the practice too… I love that we are using the sounds we hear to help communicate things… i find myself giggling a lot and I feel it brings a good energy when people have been doing this awhile I can understand that sometimes the little moments of joy can be overlooked. There was a song I’ve been learning sounded completely different when all of them were there and they played the entire composition and it went from a regular pace to a slowed down tempo and it was awesome and I couldn’t help but to display the joy I was feeling in that moment. It’s been so fun to be able to share this with them. I’m grateful I’ve got this opportunity right now. I’m hoping to attract more music sessions into my experience. It brings so much life and joy. Lol… I even downloaded an app last night where I’m trying to develop my voice a bit more as well. Music seems to be getting attracted right now.. even working at a concert venue too. So music in different areas… I’m enjoying it! So yesterday morning I got ahold of my friend to see if he still wanted to hang and go swim with his dog. He was still interested but he had another friend of ours… the one who was my classmate and asked if he could join us. I told him I didn’t mind, but he didn’t catch that I said that. Because when I asked him if he’s gotten a hold of him to go he said he didn’t know if I was cool with that. I didn’t address it because it’s not a big deal. I just said that I’d like to spend time with him… by himself is cool, but if he wants to bring another buddy with us… I’m ok with that too. During our conversation he had mentioned our buddy wasn’t having such a good start to the day… so I wasn’t sure I’d like his energy with us… but again I allowed whether it was going to happen or not. Fortunately my buddy is pretty aware of himself and said that he wasn’t feeling up to hanging out with us.. so we went by ourselves along with pup. So i felt calm and I had a free day so I was looking to enjoy myself and take my time. I was hoping to see what our conversations were going to be. I know lately I’ve been wondering if he has the ability to talk about things that aren’t about getting high… and mostly those conversations are because of who we’re with. When we’re together… our conversations don’t lead that way. I did feel like I was being more quiet and see where he wanted to lead the conversations… I got him to open up more about his history and his family. I’ve been hearing so many different stories from the new people I’ve been introducing into my experience that I’m now able to remember more details about him specifically. We went to a Miami tripe Nature preserve. It’s called the Seven Pillars along the Mississinewa River next to the reservoir up there. I know he wanted to swim but going there was going to be fairly shallow but I knew it wasn’t going to stop us from getting into the river. That’s what I wanted him to notice was how much we really love nature. Wading in the river but then getting into the cool water which had a pretty strong and steady current was even better. Climbed on some of the rock structures that’s been carved out of the water and wind… it was really beautiful and fun… oh my goodness watching his dog’s joy jumping and prancing through the water and the grass was fun to witness… he’s so adorable this dog isn’t quite a year old but he’s a big boy… but I love observing how much their attention gets drawn from one sensation to another… they get so excited that it’s hard for them to even listen to what the humans are wanting from them…hehe… I really enjoy having animals with us. I haven’t really spent a lot of time in this area. It was a cloudy day and it was getting a bit chilly in the water so I suggested to find some trails around the area. We drove a bit in the country and we found some trails and we took the Lost Sister Trail. It was awesome with just how long it was… how much it was away from cars… yes a few times but most of the time was the amazing sounds of nature. I loved watching my friend finding and questions all the fungi, plants, and flowers as we were going along. I saw how excited and curious he was so I’d try to help find mushrooms for him. We were smelling a lot of different things… hehe… we we’re finding seeds that looked like walnuts… I don’t remember ever smelling walnuts and when we smelled them they had a citrus scent like citronella-ish… some seeds that smelled similar to Juniper… yeah I really enjoy smelling things and we both admitted we’d like to know more about flora, fungi, and fauna. We ran into a little rain at the end of the trail which really put a highlight to finish our day out together. I really had an enjoyable day with him… it was nice. There were a few times he seemed he wanted to explore some of his fear and conspiracies he’s had on his mind for years.. but I didn’t encourage these conversations. Even at times he was trying to speak about people he admires and explain their thoughts… again I found myself not wanting to encourage these conversations and bring it back to our own experiences and interested in his thoughts. It was good to hear him admit that he has a thing about society… wanting to resist against the norm, but than he eventually admitted that there are some things he’d like to get better at which is social acceptable and be ok with wanting to be in alignment with these too. Yeah… it was good… things that I was hoping to bring up to him actually found their way into conversation and it was easy and wasn’t having to use brute force… it just flowed in throughout the day. I feel we’re getting better acquainted with each other when we just have time to share… not even in the discussions we’re having just the energy we’re sharing and enjoying together. When I went to pick him up I did have a cool discussion with his mom and his niece. His niece is a missionary and had dedicated her life to her Spirituality and I found our conversation interesting. I’m hoping to run into her more possibly to get a more in depth conversation. She’s going to be in Indiana for a year before she goes out on her mission. She just got back from training in Mexico a few weeks back. She mentioned she learned different languages through the BEC program and I looked into it briefly when I got back home last night. It’s similar to what I’ve been doing but in a more formal approach and possibly because there’s a structure to it people can be more aware of learning a language in a concise manner than my approach of just winging it and finding out how to make it work… hehe… but yeah… I’m getting hungry so I think I’ll go ahead and make some lunch. I’ll talk at ya later then.

I can’t help but notice that I’m finding I’m chuckling to myself a lot and finding myself smiling for just living with whatever I’m dealing with lately. I don’t know if i can really explain this but I think I’ve been making it cleat that I’m very unexperienced in many “normal” things people handle on the daily. I was having a conversation with one of the guys about stability. I was trying to explain to him that this wasn’t necessarily a value I had in the past… only lately have i really noticed that having some stability does seem to help the human side of life, right. Many who are grounded may be laughing at me, but that’s just not how I have developed in life. So I know I”m not the only one having these experiences so I want to help people in similar situations as myself… that they’re not the only ones having to face things that make us feel uncomfortable. So I got a check yesterday and so today I was hoping to get a bank account so I can cash my checks regularly. Let’s go over my banking history. It’s not the best history… so I didn’t even know if I’d be able to get an account. Gosh let’s see I might’ve had an account when I was in high school but it was so brief that I cannot even remember it. What I can remember was when I was in college. I was living in Arizona at the time and I had a bank account and I had my first overdraft fee. It was at the time when I was desperate but I know it was less than $60. I hadn’t handled this account for decades so I know the interest continued to build up month after month and year after year. I checked my credit report and I didn’t even see it on my account. I’m sure it’ll come up but it took me close to a decade or more to even look for another bank account. So I qualified for a credit union in Indy and I was doing well with it. When I moved to Colorado to start working there… I got another credit union account. When I started to travel to Peru more often I did find that I was over drafting in smaller amounts… like less than $10… smh… it would take me a long time to get back to the credit union especially the one in Indiana because I just wasn’t there often enough. If you don’t remember I don’t have a phone line either so I’ve setup another challenge of communication. When I moved back to Indiana last year I ran into a situation where I went to go cash my check… I was just going to payoff the balance I had, but they went ahead and closed my account. They said that I’d have to setup another appointment to reinstate my account. Well I wasn’t confident that i was going to be working at this location long… I went ahead and asked to see if I could get paid in cash. They actually didn’t give me a problem doing this. So I still have an account in Colorado. Smh… I don’t have a debt card right now… it was eaten up at an atm in Peru. Lol… I literally had to go through loops just to get that card to me. It was going to be expiring while I was in Peru so I switched my mailing address and had my dad mail it to me there. Most addresses in the jungle do not have mailboxes. Mail men aren’t going house to house to deliver mail. So I had to figure out how to receive a letter… and it took almost two months to get the letter…. But it only took like twice at the atm to get the wrong code and the machine to keep my card… hehe… anyway… I haven’t been reliant on it so much… so it hasn’t been a big deal. Yes many people don’t deal with much cash anymore, but myself… I still highly depend on cash. Anywho I go to the credit union here to see if I can get an account. I knew I would have a problem in different areas to get an account but I figured I’d go and see what I can do. So proof of address… I have been so here and there… I don’t really have proof of residency. Most companies want utility bills or your current address on your ID. Well I still hold a Colorado driver’s license. I can’t say that I’m not going to be returning to Colorado again. I guess I can keep switching up my license everywhere I go, but it doesn’t really bother me. I grabbed my credit union statements that are sent here to Indiana since it’s my current mailing address in their system. So to my surprise they accepted those as proof of residency. Lol… I even asked my pops to join me just in case to see if he could verify that I’m his daughter and I’m living with him… hehe… well things were going well but then they said that if I wanted a checking account they charge $5/month. I stopped everything and said I’m not sure I’m wanting to commit to that right now. I haven’t had to pay a fee to have a checking account before… it’s a small charge of $60 a year, but again when I’m traveling around… every dollar counts so I said I have to see if that charge will be ok or not. Right now I’m going to see what other options I have. Well I thought I could just put my check to my dad and he could cash it at his bank. Which literally we did 9 months ago, but today… I am not on his account so he wouldn’t be able to cash it for me. With them I needed to have a utility bill to be able to prove residency so I wouldn’t be able to apply for an account. So what’s my options? Well… I went ahead and deposited my check through my credit union account in colorado. I’m transferring money into my dad’s account so he can give me the cash… smh… I messaged them to see if I can get a replacement card but of course I need to call them to do this. So I’ll have to wait to see when I can get access to a phone to call them and get a card sent so I can actually use the money I’m depositing. I know.. i know… I’ve made things complicated, but I do find it funny and I’m going to get better at not making things so complicated. Shoot I know I’m eventually going to be opening accounts internationally so getting a bit familiar with banks and proof of residency or proof of anything that involves stability will need to be developed.. lol… All I can say as of now… It will be easier to save when I’m depositing checks into an account that’s not so easy to get access of using the money being deposited. I know my dad is used to my crazy and he’s got his own similar ways of crazy so he doesn’t mind giving me cash as I transfer money into his account, but I’m not wanting to rely on this for too long. What else was I running into today that I found funny… oh helping my dad out. So he has a pool with gold fish in them. I think he says he has 20 to 30 fish in it. He has another pool he’s been filling up to capture rain water. He was treating it with chlorine but he hasn’t been treating it for a month or so… so he’s noticed there’s been a lot of mosquitos. He wanted to move some of the fish into this pool to help with the procreation process of the mosquitos. This pool is near his hot tub area… hehe… so he had tried out but didn’t have any success. He thinks that I’ll be able to help him out. So I said I will help him. I’m like what’s the equipment that we have to use? Well we got a bucket to fill the pool water in so we can transport the fish to the new location. He has two nets on poles but they are broken and taped together near the head so the resistance the water has on them makes them break frequently.. lol and then he had like a window screen that he thought we would be able to hold under the water and see if we can capture the fish IF they swim above the mesh. Let’s just say I couldn’t stop laughing as we were trying things out. I was like… dad these fish are pretty intelligent and fishing is an art. I definitely don’t know this art but what we have is not going to work. So I said the netting is probably the best idea but we need something bigger. So he had something like chicken wire but plastic so it’s a netting and a larger piece. He asked if I had any weights to help the net sink. I remember cleaning out the garage there were some fishing gear and weights were there and so I grabbed them. So we decided to place some weights on the edge of the net and then a few towards the center of the weights we placed to help keep the net lower in the water. So we placed it in the water about half way across the pool and we were able to pick the net up easily and quickly.. so we grabbed the fish food again but I said instead of spreading it around everywhere lets just put it in the area where they have to swim across the netting to get to it. And it worked. We didn’t really want the fish to get caught under the netting so we didn’t want it to set in the pool for long. But we got eight fish out and he said he wasn’t 100% sure about the chemical properties in the second pool he said let’s see how they respond before fishing out more. We hope they are going to do well in the new location, but we’re only doing the best we can do at this time. I’ve been killing some insects and it makes me feel bad but I also know this is the only thing I know what to do at this time and with what I have to use. I know I’ll learn better ways but I also know I’ve got to do things now even though it’s not exactly the perfect scenario. That’s what I have to keep reminding myself… the human mind’s idea of the adj perfect scenario that would be an ideal to start something. In fact it is not necessary to have that scenario to start something and learn from it. So instead of making excuses of why I’m not starting something now… just do what I can do with what I have and just learn with what I have going on right now. And I’m finding it fun in a weird and quirky way. I’m not getting frustrated but it’s amusing. I have a feeling this isn’t the way I’m always going to be approaching these situations but it will be fun to have memories of change in perceptions. I did reach out to my manager and she was happy to hear i’m looking to learn… she’s putting my name on the training list. She actually hasn’t set a date but wants it sometime this month. She also wants to talk to me about being a part of her corporate staff as well. I spoke to two guys who are a part of the corporate team and it seems it’s very similar to what we are doing now at the concert but they go to other event locations to setup. As an example many have heard of the Indy 500… so we’d go to the race track to help setup the live concert areas and who knows what else. When I was talking to these guys I was hinting around about liking to learn how to setup and build the stages and they said that it seems more hands on with the corporate team. The manager said the corporate season… so I’m uncertain what that means… so yeah I’m interested in speaking with her about it. I’m chuckling to myself right now because I watch tarot readings and most of the time it’s like running in the background and there was a statement that I heard today was the viewer who is supposed to me is becoming less rigid. I feel like I am conscious that that’s exactly what I feel like this position can help allow me to learn. To stop being so rigid about things… or at least less rigid…. And I wouldn’t have described myself in this manner but I honestly see that I have those qualities that I want to adjust. I feel like I want to use the word adjust more than change… i feel it’s a better explanation for people I work with so it doesn’t seem so drastic. In a sense spirituality is drastic but to be more grounded it’s making adjustments so we’re not swinging the pendulum so drastically. I just want to assure people who are here wanting to work on their spirituality… regardless of where we’re at… we’re able to adjust our consciousness to higher degrees. It’s not going to look the same as everyone else doing this work or not consciously doing this work. I know Leo has advised people to get their money handled before working on Enlightenment work… not exactly but sometimes it’s insinuated, but… we can Awaken and then be able to work on money from a higher consciousness state as well. If we’re drawn to Spirituality… just work from where you are. And when you’ve connected to universal consciousness… it’s going to give us a calm and confident approach to whatever we’re wanting to work with as we understand where we are as part of the collective. I’ve enjoyed how my life’s been unfolding… it’s been amusing to see where I have placed myself and I’m looking forward to how I adjust to it now. It’ll be interesting to see if I return to this Journal five years from now and see what adjustments I’ve been able to make and create in this life experience. Alright… I just wanted to get this out of my mind at this time. I feel like practicing a few rhythms for tomorrow’s practice. I’ll talk later… until next time.

Alright… so I tried out the new gig. The gig is a stage hand at the local concert location now Ruoff… when I helped out for a summer in my high school age was Deer Creek. This is out of my comfort zone because I have any knowledge in this area. So it’s exciting and there might be possibility to learn. So it was my neighbor who had setup this opportunity. My neighbor is a friend of someone I’ve been working with towards ceremony. The brother who has the dog. Well I’ve been meeting his family and one of his sons also works here. It was pretty sweet the morning of the first day the son came to my place. My neighbor wanted it to be easy for me to get in and get acquainted to the position so he asked the son to help me out. So I followed him to the location and it was easier to just follow him instead of trying to figure out what the manager gave me to follow her directions once we were at the location and to get in through security check points. I met with the manager and she seems very sweet and motherly… she has been very helpful trying to make me feel welcomed and the first priority for them is safety. Actually everyone I spoke with spoke about safety first because there’s such a big crew going here and there and working with equipment that can be heavy so fingers and toes can get smashed or run over fairly easily and being aware there can be sudden stops and starts and people around corners… it was pretty fast paced especially at the night shift when it was during load out. So I had no clue what this position involved. So in the morning we were there to load in. So there were several employees who were stage hands. And then there’s a crew of the actual band that work together. Please this is only what nine hours of experience and a very vague understanding of what’s going on, but this is how I’m perceiving it as of now. So the bands crew has the stage hands load and unload their equipment. So during load in the stage hands we line up and when the crew removes the equipment off of their semi trucks they direct where to take their equipment. So I didn’t even really understand stage direction… example stage right and left, down or up stage, pit area and front of the house. During load in I was the son’s shadow. I came in with him and they seem to like him and wanted to help show me the ropes. They say there are waves… we move quickly when it’s our turn to move the equipment but then we wait in line. Once we get the equipment unloaded we kind of break off into groups to help in certain areas such as audio, video… things like that. The son and I were chosen to go to the VIP area to help set things up there. So There was a truck parked next to this area and we unloaded and then helped the crew set up the furniture and space. So this is actually a little more comfortable for me. When it comes to assembling things that makes sense to me. It doesn’t take long for me to figure it out and feel like I’m helping out. Once we helped out in the VIP area we returned to the docks there was a lot of standing around. Many of the current staff were just hanging out and socializing. Again I was shadowing the son who is in his mid twenties. So when I was listening to his conversations I felt like I couldn’t really put much input into the conversation. hehe so there’s a break in the day before we return and during this break I was thinking at first… hmmmm… there was quite a bit of standing around and waiting… I’m not sure if I like that. Plus when we’re standing around there seems to be a lot of socializing… and i thought I’m not the best at casual conversations… hehe… I also thought well this is a good opportunity to learn how to do this better. Also to relax during work… i know I’ve been working on that as well. When I work I like to be involved in many areas to keep my mind active and engaged instead of monotony. But as I distance myself in the work I’m engaged with the more I question whether what’s too far for me to be involved. I have long term visions and there’s no way I can forget them. In a sense I don’t want to commit to projects that I feel aren’t going to relate to these projects, but I also know that there’s connections that come into play that involve areas that I’m not directly focusing on either. So I want to be open. And most of what I find I do is seem to be drawn to work with certain people and I find they are from a huge diverse backgrounds so… I never know when I’m going to meet them and the more diverse I keep myself the more opportunity to run into these people. There were some interesting people at this location. For some reason many of the faces did seem familiar to me. I did feel there could be opportunities for some unusual conversations. I guess I’m open to whatever it can be. After the load out… I feel much more open to giving this gig a try because it was fast paced and hardly any standing around. It feels good to break a sweat. So during the break I was already half way to Indy and the cultural diversity drum circle meets on Sunday. The leader has just returned from Africa and I was wanting to welcome her back and say hello to whomever joins us. I had a little time to spare before the drum circle so I thought I would try out a new disc golf course nearby to the university we meet to drum at. When I arrived to the course there was a private event going on so I was unable to play. Looks like there was a jazz concert about to go down there… and I thought that would’ve been fun to be invited to the private event… hehe… a little jazz in the park sounds like a great time. So I headed towards the university garden’s to take a stroll through the woods and listen to the birds and wind through the trees. I absolutely love the opportunities for a peaceful stroll through the woods. They have a pond with a water fountain that holds large koi fish which are just monstrous in size.. hehe.. I was able to chat with the leader when she arrived. We decided to go ahead and drum outside. A little chance of rain which worried the leader but all the ladies who showed was reassuring her that everything is all good. So yes it was the first time that there was only women at the circle. To be honest there were only two who seem to have enough experience with drumming to create and mesh together to play improve drumming. The remaining four of us aren’t so experienced. I was hoping this would be a good opportunity for the leader to help guide us or direct us to learn some of her rhythms she knows from her childhood. She did start to want to teach us but she was teaching us more on how to sing. So she had us just keep a steady beat and come in and sing at the proper time. I would like to learn how to do this better too. If you’ve ever tried to sing and drum at the same time… it gets a bit tricky and I’d like to get better at it as well. I keep thinking about Aya ceremonies and how opportunities and can arise to grow deeper on ways to help guests connect during ceremony. In my opinion Icaros can involve music with voice and instruments and rhythms. Once I start to get a collection of instruments… I’m looking forward to having them in ceremony with me and see if I’m drawn to use them. Lol.. shoot when it comes to ceremonies there’s a highly likely chance that I can pick up an instrument and start playing as if I’ve been doing this all my life.. hehe… ceremony is just so wild and I have a feeling that my style of Icaro will be leading to explore this more. I was able to make it back home to watch the final two episodes to a series with my pops we’ve been watching and grabbing something to eat before returning to Ruoff. This time I came in about an hour early to my shift. I came solo and so I was able to check if they needed any help before the shift but they already had staff to come in early so they didn’t need my help until I was scheduled. So I went ahead and checked out the concert. It was Zac Brown Band… I’ve heard of his group and I’m sure there’s some song they sing that I’ve heard, but I cannot recall what they are. I thought this is part of the benefits to working here so I thought I’d check out how the stage looks, see how the crowd is and see what the feel of the atmosphere is. It’s been a long minute since I’ve been on the lawn area of Deer Creek. It was packed and it was fun to people watch for a bit. I remember that was one thing I enjoyed when I worked here years ago was the diversity of fans that show up to the live concerts. I watched a few songs and then headed back to the docks. I checked in and at this show when we checked in they gave us a specific area to work on and gave us color coded shirts to keep us organized and to have the crew know who is working with them. They put me on the audio team with blue shirts. I sat next to these two guys and eventually I struck up a conversation with them. They were wearing blue shirts too and asked if they knew a little bit of the expectations of being a part of the audio team. They happened to be a father-son team. The father helps setup audio and Vistula at the JW Marriot and he hires this team to help him setup events at times and he enjoys participating in these gigs when he has time. His son just started this summer and I’m happy I spoke to them. They were hard workers and were much more knowledgeable than most in this area… i presume. They warned me its going to be chaotic for load out. There’s going to be so much going on so again be safe. It was a circus… hehe… and I felt an energy of rushing to get things packed up and shipped out. So I have little experience with disconnecting microphones and wires so I felt like I was the least experienced on site… hehe… but I knew I’d pick it up and not afraid to ask for help. Lol… there was a moment where a gentleman was asking me to help him out with his equipment. And even when it came to locking up the case I wasn’t familiar of how the latch works. I was chuckling to myself because I didn’t know how to do it… I felt like I was wasting his time but I figured it out… and he was so calm and collected and was going to explain it to me. That’s what I felt was really good. Most of the crew were really calm about explaining things to us. It seemed that they first would ask us to do something and when they saw if we had hesitation then they would take the time to explain in a calm manner. There was so much language that was being used that was going over my head but there were some things that were clicking into place… lol.. it was fun. I found myself smiling and chuckling to myself and someone actually asked me what I’m laughing at. I wasn’t expecting anyone to notice and I couldn’t even really respond.. I was enjoying all the little things I was noticing and just chuckling to myself how much I don’t know what’s going on but observing behavior that people aren’t seeing though either. So I know there’s so much I’m missing as well. Anyway it was fun. I went ahead and signed up to join the staff coming up this Friday. It’s another country band, Eric Church I believe. I remember when I was teaching dance one of my students really loved his music. I might try to come in early again to check out a few of his songs. It would be crazy if I run into my past student… he was a bit shy so I don’t know if he’d go to a concert or not. But who knows… I think I’m going to message the manager today. I think there might be opportunities to have some training opportunities. The son I was shadowing said there might be a rigging training coming up on the 14th. I don’t even know what that involves.. hehe.. I guess I want to let her know I’m definitely interested in getting any training I can. I know I’m learning a lot being thrown into the chaos but it would be nice to have a little more structured training as well. Plus I’ve been seeding to her that I’m interested in learning… I’m used to being a hard worker and being noticed by management, but with so many people running around… I figure it might be best to speak up about opportunities then to randomly stand out of the crowd. So we’ll see where it leads. My life was getting pretty monotonous so I’m happy I’m looking to change things up a bit. Oh one of my buddies also got a hold of me and wanted to see if I’m interested in an art project. He’s working for a company where they have many scraps to possibly build things. He was brainstorming with his girlfriend and they thought maybe of making playscapes for cats. They actually have a girl that is interested. He doesn’t have the time to do this, but he thought of me. So I told him that I’d be interested in meeting the girl and see what she’s looking for. I guess she likes to do pole dancing for fun and lol… I could find some fun conversations to have with her. Again… I’m trying to open up to new conversations and experiences. I’m heading back to the drum troupe practice tomorrow as well. I’ve been practicing the rhythms I recorded… even though my little buddy Elvis is not sure he likes my drumming. I’m using a five gallon water jug to practice on. I hope he can get use to it more, because I definitely know I”ll be getting a drum sooner or later and I’ll enjoy practicing. I’d love for him to get use to it so he doesn’t freak out about live music. I feel we’re going to be attracting this into our lives. He did so well with Aya ceremonies and Icaros and the energy going on. Instruments might get added into them as well and just casual jam sessions are potentials… so just get him used to it and maybe it will translate to other noises that makes him uncomfortable too. Hehe he’s been all over me today. I was gone for most of the day yesterday so I’m going to go ahead and get off here and spend a chill day with him and my pops. Ok until next time.

Alright… so I watched a show and a movie with my pops then I wanted to take my walk to the park and I ran into my neighbor. I was talking to him about applying to a place he was involved with but he suggested a gig that’s a little closer and a little more laid back. So he reached out and I can see how it is on Sunday… so that works out. Let’s look at Tuesday real quick… I was excited for the drum troupe practice. It’s about an hour away so I made a day out of it. I stopped by the Yorktown disc golf. I checked to see if my uncle’s wife was wanting to give it a go, but they weren’t home so I went solo. I keep on finding feathers there… and large ones which are pretty cool. I keep picking them up even though I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing with them yet… usually if I don’t find something to do with them then I’ll find someone who will do something with them. I’m curious to see if I can find out which bird these feathers are coming from. I stopped by a local fruit and vegetable stand and picked up some peaches and a little stick of honey. I cannot get enough of fruits and I can’t explain how much I enjoy the dripping juices when I bite into them… hehe… it’s one of the best sensations I enjoy so much. I headed to the reservoir near the location of the drum practice and I had about four hours to spend so I went to their beach to check it out. I’ve been loving getting into any water that I can lately and the beaches here in Indiana aren’t really a beach and they rope it off so it’s such a small section. There were mostly families there and I enjoy watching all the kids playing but then you also get the parents yelling at the kiddos too. I spent about an hour there but I saw there were some hiking trails along the south end so I went to check them out. It was a bike trail as well and I could see it would be a really fun trail to go mountain biking but the walk was really nice as well. Kept finding feathers… I think I found a blue jay feather which was cool. One of the trails ended with a park bench and a fire pit along the bank of the reservoir and so I sat and enjoyed the view. I wanted to go back into the water and I was debating if it would be appropriate to go skinny dipping or not. I decided to just swim and good thing there were a few bikers who came by and a few distant boats. I don’t think anyone would’ve noticed if I was in the nude or not, but I enjoyed swimming there much more than the beach. Plus there were fish flopping out of the water and birds on the banks and in the water… it was just a little more to my liking. So if I return I’ll skip the beach and just go hiking and swimming at this spot. There was a large hiking trail… I didn’t even get through all of it because my time was running short to meet for practice. But hell yeah that’s a great day for me and practice was cool too. They let me record some of the songs so I can remember and practice a bit before I return. They are such a sweet group. I didn’t get to meet anymore new people but the ones who were there last time returned and we all really mesh well together. The leader said if I wanted to join them in their performances that I’m welcome to… they really are impressed how quickly I’m picking things up. I didn’t know if I could join them but I’d love to watch and he said that they’ve had sit ins before and I didn’t have to know every part to participate. So we’ll see. For now I appreciate sharing this time with them. And my hands are a little raw because I get into it so much.. hehe. The last few days there’s a weird animal thing going on at the house. Normally there’s two stray cats that we see time to time… one of them comes all the time. She’s the one that stayed with us last winter and she’s my dad’s little shadow when he’s working outside. But then all of a sudden we see there’s two more stray cats. We’re thinking she’s in heat and so these guys were drawn to her but we haven’t seen them before. The next day we were going outside and there were two dogs on our porch. They didn’t have any collars on but they looked very healthy and well taken care of so they must have gotten loose. We have a container that catches rain water and the little pug was lapping up as much as she could. It looked like they’ve been running the town… hehe… and now we have a possum that’s been getting inside the house. It’s been like three nights in a row now… hehe… dad thought he had taken care of any holes where any critters can get in but somehow the possum has found it’s way in and he’s like Houdini making his way through the house when we think we’ve got him trapped somewhere he finds his way to another area of the house. He’s fallen into a bag of kitty food so we’ve been able to take him outside but we’re hoping he’ll fall for it one more time and we’ve agreed that we’re going to have to take him to the woods now. He’s not too old but I don’t think he has a mother but he’ll just keep getting bigger and I definitely don’t want Elvis to get in a fight with him. I have no clue why my cat doesn’t seem to notice this little guy roaming around the house. It’s like he’s oblivious to him. I’m actually grateful for that. He’s a smart little guy so I’m not sure he’ll fall for it again but I know my dad’s getting pretty annoyed with him. So it will be the best for us all if he accidentally falls into the food bag again so we can safely put him into the woods. Been having a good conversation with one of the guys I’ve been working with. He’s the one that I shared ceremony with… not the metaphysical head butt one. The one that was giving me hope that maybe some people might actually be ready for the spiritual path. But he messaged me saying that he started seeing visuals that were similar to what he saw during the Bufo ceremony and asked if that was normal. I didn’t know all the details at that time but I said that normally it would be out of your system by now… it’s been a week ago but I’m not certain how his psyche is handling it. He said there were some odd things going on and wanted to talk about it. He was at work at the time and I was about to head out to do the day at the reservoir before drumming so I said tomorrow would be a better day to chat. But I went ahead and sent him one of Leo’s videos… the dangers of Spiritual work… hehe… I told him I introduced something new to his psyche and I know we enjoyed it but I wanted to make sure he knew what he’s getting himself into. I try to explain it to him, but I also know that Leo does an amazing job at this and I’ve spent hundred of hours with his video and it’s an amazing foundation to see if Spiritual work is something we’re ready to do or not. I told him I had a good idea of what the consequences would be and I was willing to pay the price for it. I’m enthusiastic about it but I also know the challenges I faced as well… many won’t want to go through these challenges. The next day we chatted a bit and he mentioned the first time we met over the fall/winter months. He remembered when he was telling me he wanted to focus on overcoming his addiction using Aya and I had said this will go much deeper than addiction. He admitted when he heard this he was like… .meh… I don’t think she really knows what she’s talking about. But now that he’s been having conversations with me and experienced Bufo he’s realizing what I meant by that statement. He said that he’s been thinking a lot of things he hasn’t thought about before. He had no clue how deep I was wanting to take our conversations. And I told him that we’re taking our time. I’m really impressed with how well he’s open to what’s been discussed and how well he opened up in ceremony, but I also wanted to make sure his intentions were pure. As we hangout and get to know each other I’ve been getting a feeling that there’s a little of him that wants to continue to make me happy and I told him that cannot be the reason to proceed. He admitted that he wants to purify his gut reactions he has towards women… and I said that’s a good insight to admit and I’m someone he can discuss these things with. I’m a woman who does not want anything sexual from him… I’m someone who is literally wanting him to understand himself beyond a human surviving… hehe… which may sound cool, but the implications go deep and just because you might have a crush on me and talk about things that sound cool and introduce him to psychedelics which are cool… these are not the intentions to proceed forward. He agreed that it wasn’t what he thought it was going to be. He has a bit of him that wants to continue on, but another part of him is hesitant. He’s back to work in Ohio this week so he said he’ll try to get his mind gathered to see if he’s actually ready to go on or not. I said I’m here for the marathon. He doesn’t have to be ready now… if it takes a few years… then that’s what it will take. If he decides the spiritual path isn’t for him… he’ll be like most where it will be an unintentional path because he’s already on it before we met. He was laughing at himself because he never thought he’d have these types of conversations with people who are looking at him weird and having personal conversations about women to a woman… lol… I’ve been calling him out on a few things that I’ve heard him do… nothing too crazy but I’m trying to give him a better idea of how my mind works and how much I’m observing and my interpretations of it. He’s starting to get a better picture that I’m always working… hehe… Last night I had a pleasant surprise. One of the original twelve messaged me. He’s one of the twelve that I’ve gotten to know much better because we’ve hung out quite a bit since the first round of Aya ceremonies. He’s the one I was finding myself synchronizing Icaros for him with the female shaman. We’ve been back to Peru together to share ceremonies. I went to visit him in Florida and he’s come to visit me in Colorado. I didn’t get his permission to discuss what we talked about, but it was really good to hear from him. It’s been over a year since we’ve spoke. I saw his message and there was no way that I wasn’t going to call him instead of messaging him back. There was too much excitement. I’m just glad he’s alive and doing well… he was pretty down the last time we were together and yes we had an exchange that was challenging and it took him awhile to be able to reach out to me. He looked at my social media and noticed I hadn’t been posting for over a year as well. I told him I’ve been processing a lot and I needed a break myself and I knew he would understand this. It was so good to hear from him. I thought it was interesting that some times in our conversations our connection would fail and it seemed it happened when there was talk of possibly getting together soon. As much as I would like to visit him, I feel there needs to be more time and space before we should connect again. He’s feeling like he wants to clear some shit out so he’s trying to find ceremonies close to him. I recommended a mutual friend of ours who said he was in the states temporarily and so possibly he’ll reach out. He wasn’t sure he was wanting to go to Peru but if it comes to it and I’m not going I have another friend to recommend whom he hasn’t me yet. But I think she would be great for him to share ceremony with. She’s involved with a retreat that includes plant dieta along with Aya and that seems to be what I’m leaning towards for recommendations now. Dieta is an amazing balance with Aya. Yeah it’s interesting like I said in my earlier post… my structure towards sharing ceremony is transforming… I”m trying not to swing the pendulum so drastically even though I’m much more hesitant than I was… Wont’ really know the balance until I try things out and not rush anything. Most of the people who wants to share ceremony with me… I’m just not feeling it, but I also know how much I learn when I do share so it’s a tricky situation. Ceremony really really kickstarted me on a deliberate Spiritual path… but that was through Aya. Are these ceremonies I’m sharing going to be as impactful? I’ll just keep feeling my way through it. I do know I’m trying to create a little space from it right now, but who knows how long that will last… hehe. Ok that’s good for tonight. Until next time.

Alright… I feel a bit antsy or eager… lol.. I definitely want to switch things up. I’ve been trying this patience thing out and I’ve done better than I’ve done in the past… hehe… but I’ve got a drive inside that wants to put things into gear. I left a message for the mayor today to hopefully get an appointment to setup a job shadow with the street department to learn the basics to drive the machinery. I’m getting to a point that if it takes me digging with a shovel then that’s where I’m going to be. I want to get back to the jungle and at least get the experience of personal intention into Aya in solo ceremonies. So again I know I had first impression interpretations of what would be required. But I also have to be open to being wrong. I know I wanted to do my dieta and dig the next time I return but hey if it takes a few times to break it down then that will be fine too. The last time I wrote I ended up getting some messages from different people and I’m finding myself wanting to shut down my communications again… lol.. I don’t think I have to go to those extremes but it does go through my mind if it’s not best to disconnect a bit more to available energies. Direct my attention to a few accesses… it’s not like I don’t enjoy catching up, but since I’m reevaluating my structure towards ceremony… I feel I have to deal with the consequences of what my approach was before. Lol… so the more I speak to people the more I feel they aren’t really certain why they want to share ceremony with me. And I’m wondering if I should be sharing with them as well. I enjoy it, but are they actually ready to take the necessary steps psychologically to handle what is coming for them? So just to give another history of the approach to ceremony. I was extremely surprised to find that I have abilities in ceremonies. It was hard for me to admit this to myself so mostly I would just be doing Aya and doing the integration. I decided after the third round of Aya to start introducing DMT during the integration period. Shortly after I was doing this solo I started to get messages of sharing it with others which I was reluctant to do because I didn’t think I would be ready. But after sharing ceremony I understood why it was so beneficial. Then it seemed that I swung the pendulum over to where I wanted to share it with whomever showed any interest in it. And I was being vocal about it in social apps. After this Awakening I was shook up to the core and needed time to ground and integrate and now I’m looking at sharing ceremony to sense where potential guests are at. What are their intentions? What’s they’re maturity level… trauma..etc… I feel like I have put this responsibility on myself. And with this responsibility it isn’t lining up with their desires. I’m running into psychonauts who are fairly careless with their usage and their approach isn’t showing much respect to the process. On one hand I want to show them a different approach but on the other hand I’m wondering if I’m really the one to share ceremony with them? Again when I started to be deliberate in shamanism I originally thought I was going to have to share with everyone who was interested but now I’m understanding that many things I’m drawn to do isn’t that style of shaman. I’m not wanting to be at a center waiting for guests to come to share. I’m exploring the messages I’m receiving and yes that includes sharing but it’s more of a particular crew not just everyone. Maybe one day I’ll be there but right now… I don’t want to. And I want to be ok with that. There are people who want to share ceremony with and one hand I want to but the other is honestly we’re not in alignment. I don’t want to share with them at this time. If I continue to deal with the same people its going to want me to close myself up. I’ve been getting out of town and meeting some new faces and I really enjoy that. I want to add more of that into my life right now. Because I’ve been closed up for a long time now and I don’t want to continue to close myself off… I want to have conversations where they’re not expecting anything from me. I’m entertaining the idea of getting back to work again. Again I’ve rested and grounded so I feel I can handle engagement’s with people. I’m not as sensitive to people’s energies lately either. So adding this back into my life is my next step. I’m not looking for 40+ hours a week… Start off part-time and see where I’m at. I think I have an opportunity which isn’t exactly what I’m looking for but I think it will be interesting as well. I hope there’s enough variety but that’s what I’ll have to check out. I’ll be allowing opportunity for new conversations and also allow me to not be so available for the people I’m working with now…hehe… it sounds so bad to say this, but yeah I feel like there’s a little neediness even if subtle. They will accept the excuse of me working other than I’m just not interested in hanging at the time… hehe… but I feel like I’ve got an abundance of energy that needs a place to have an outlet. I really love the drum troop practice because I can see how much of my energy is booming and on the edge… and it’s been nice to have that outlet. Lol… my dad’s wondering if I want to watch a movie with him… so I’ll go ahead and watch one with him. I’m sure I’ll return and ramble a little more.

Good morning… So I thought I wanted to go ahead and Journal about the last few days… again I’m processing things that might seem like rambling,,, and maybe it is but I feel like doing this and seeing what comes out of it. So Saturday I ended up going to Salamonie Lake to swim, emerge into Nature, get to understand where some of the guys I’ve been spending time with and see how I’m responding and see what I’m attracting. So one of the guys I’ve been working with had offered to go camping with me on Wednesday. And so Saturday we decided to go and by then he had invited another friend to go and while we were getting ready we asked another friend to join. So it was the three guys that I shared ceremony or at least a version of it. So originally I thought I would just ride with them but I was a little hesitant because I’m getting an idea of how relaxed they are and I’ve been waiting to go to my niece and nephew’s play on Sunday. I had asked if we would be able to return back in time for me to get to the play on time. He said that shouldn’t be a problem, but I still kept thinking maybe I should drive separately. He picked me up and the car was already loaded down and we were supposed to pick a friend and his dog. We went to pick him up and he was with another friend. I ended up asking if he wanted to join us and we’d just take another vehicle. It made me feel more confident to return when I wanted to and not having to rely on them. They liked the fact that I was allowing them to take their time on Sunday when they want to return and I can leave whenever I wanted to. So again when I say let’s go camping… I realize my intension differs from them. I really want to connect with Nature… mostly I wanted to go swimming specifically. There’s been a lot of heat lately and I’ve been trying to find times to go swimming…. I absolutely love to be submerged into water. I thought possible this might be a good opportunity to share a deeper experience with ceremony. I know one of them struggles to surrender in ceremony, but I thought having the two of his friends it would allow him to be more comfortable to surrender a little more. The guy that I was originally talking about camping I’m still a bit hesitant to share ceremony alone with him because he feels there’s a sexual connection he wants to share with me. I don’t know how this came about. In my opinion I”ve been honest of where I am with sexuality and who I want to share my sexual experiences with but in my opinion… that made it a challenge for him and he wants me to have him as part of that experience. After a few comments I started thinking that I have to literally be more direct with him so he knows that is not an option to share sexual energy with him but I didn’t get the chance to do this. So when did I see the difference in our intentions? Once they were together they started to ask each other what substances do they have to get high. The guy whom thinks we have a sexual whatever is on probation and is not drinking or smoking weed at this time, but he’s open to psychedelics. The two other guys are habitual weed smokers but they didn’t have any. So they both were uncomfortable not having it with them. My old class mate was ready struggling without having weed to take. He was the one who I asked to come along at the last minute. He was frazzled because he didn’t have much time to prepare. He said that’s he was told he wasn’t going to be able to come because there wasn’t enough space. If he thought he had a chance to go he would’ve been looking for smoke immediately. In his mind he needs weed not just for his sanity but for everyone he’s with. He says he behaves differently. He says he’ll be more withdrawn and not social. And that’s exactly how he was. Most of the time he sat alone and barely engaged in conversation. If I am completely honest, it was a breath of fresh air. Normally he overpowers the conversations and when I’m camping I would like to enjoy listening to the woods then always listening to conversation… hehe… even though the guys I was with wanted to play their music instead of listening to the natural music that’s there. Again just a different approach to camping. I decided to wear shorts… I haven’t been wearing shorts lately because normally when I’m going out doors I’m heading to the woods to play disc golf so I cover my legs because there’s poison ivy that I’m trying to avoid catching. Also with my scars I haven’t been wearing shorts either because I still have a little self conscious and not wanting people to have me explain what the scars are from. It’s really not a big deal, but sometimes I make it a bigger deal than what it is. Anywho the guy who thinks there’s a sexual thing going made a comment right away. He said he hasn’t seen me in shorts and he really enjoys my thighs. He thinks they are sexy. I looked at him a bit surprised but I said thank you… it’s been hot lately and I really want to go swimming so it’s going to be more comfortable for me to wear shorts. So I realize he has an attraction towards me, but there’s a bit of toxicity because he’s not aware of how I’m responding to his comments. But I’m also not being as blunt as I want to be out of being courteous but also seeing how aware he is in this area of interaction. There were a few other times he mentioned something about my thighs… but I didn’t even recognize what he was saying at first because most of the time I was focused on gathering wood for a fire and I didn’t expect him to be making those comments. I am walking around the camp and the woods to search for wood so that was my focus and then I’d realize… wait was he trying to hit on me again? I haven’t complimented him in return… I haven’t encouraged this talk so I keep thinking why does his conversation want to lead in that direction? So that’s when I’m thinking this cannot continue… I’ve got to be more direct and possibly saying something in front of the guys so they understand that this interaction makes me uncomfortable and I hope to not have to continue to address this. I’m not looking to hook up with any of them. My class mate already knows this. We’ve discussed this and he said he’s spoken to the guys that I’m not that type of woman, but we also know saying that doesn’t stop them from their attempts. The other friend may be attracted to me but he’s not overtly obvious about it. His approach was more subtle… it’s actually been interactions with his dog did he imply that he was attracted to me in a sexual way. Lol… so I happen to be on my period right now and the day I started I was hanging out with him and my neighbor. I waited too long to go to the store to pick up sanitation pads and they thought I was wanting a drink or snack so they were offering me things and I said it’s a feminine thing that I wanted to grab at the store. Well my neighbor said he had an extra tampon he keeps around for such an occasion and I thanked him. Well throughout that evening the dog was definitely curious about me and my scent. He was getting excited and his owner was trying to get him away and curbing his behavior so he wasn’t getting aggressive towards me and not nagging me. Lol… I wish he was that aware with his buddy because his buddy is acting like the dog but in a human form. So that’s why I thought making a public comment might help… I don’t know if it will. That evening with the dog was when we were microdosing the L and so when we were prepping to leave it was happening there were words being said under their breath… under the breath… are those words supposed to be heard. I think it is… but he said that his dog is super smart and he knows I’m leaving so he’s getting as much of my scent before I leave. He said he’ll allow him to run it off and work it out of him. During the camping trip it was happening a little again and he told his dog that when he gets old enough he’ll find him a bitch to work on but he’s not there yet. So yeah there’s an undertone of domination being there and the intensity of sexual desire is present but he can curb his approach. I don’t think they have connected my behavior towards them is curbed because I’m aware of this… so I don’t hangout with them as regularly and if sexual conversations come up then I approach to respond in an exclusive way and give details about myself and my desires if its sexual… again not them but someone else… anyway I wish this wasn’t such a factor in our interactions but I also know this is pretty normal. But I also have many engagements where its not so present and getting to know each other and building a connection is more apparent. These are what I’m trying to attract more of. So while we were setting up the campsite I was hoping to build up a sweat so I can enjoy swimming more. Fortunately for me a brother of the friend who has a dog was on his way with two of his daughters to go swimming. So when they arrived and were about to head off I asked to see if I can join them. And so I did end up swimming which was about five miles from where we were. The other guys didn’t end up joining us except the brother so if they didn’t come… most likely I wouldn’t have got to swim or I’d have to go alone which wouldn’t be a problem because again that was the main intention to go camping in the first place. And not having all the guys join us actually gave me a break from them which I enjoyed…hehe… The girls are two cute and a lot of fun. One girl is in the third grade and the other is in sixth. They like the whole youtube dance videos so I had them teaching me their dances they like and we found ourselves in the water making up our own dances. It was refreshing to be with the young girls and having a different approach to what they have their attention on. I also enjoy speaking to their father. The father is who I want to share ceremony with but he suggested that I start with his brother. But this was a good time to have a conversation. One thing that I enjoy about the father is that he went into a deep experience with DMT before we came back to having conversations. I think it’s been well over a year and he says that he’s still waiting to be ready to go back into it again. He’s overcome addiction and it’s present in his awareness that what he experienced wasn’t to get high…. I see that in him and I respect that. He also has visions he’s trying to manifest with his family and I cannot wait to see him actualized his visions. But I also know that conversations are just as important as ceremony. I would like to have a one on one conversation but I can settle with having his brother there with us because again is guard is down and he’s interacting more casually with his family around. It’s nice to see there honest thoughts instead of trying to approach conversations with me by using complicated thoughts of people they enjoy listening to. We spent close to four ours swimming and we had such a beautiful sun set over the water… pink and purple clouds with seagulls flying in the air… it was really enjoyable and pleasant. We headed back to camp so he can drop us off and again I was pleasantly surprised to see that the sexual guy had one of his girlfriends there. There was a little bit of a boundary that was present when she was there and that made me feel good. I thought thankfully I won’t have to call him out in front of his friends and have to deal with him making crude comments for the rest of the night. Also now that I got to know her more I can now have more conversations towards someone he shares sexual engagements with when these topics come up and that helps. She was a bit distant to me at first… she was trying to figure out why I’m there… I”m not certain what’s been said about me but I wanted to show her a that I’m just a buddy there with friends. After we ate two of the guys ended up microdosing L and the rest of us didn’t participate. The classmate was still by himself and probably in his struggle bus but wasn’t involving us in his struggle and fell asleep first. The girl and I were more on the quiet side and didn’t say much and mostly listening. The two friends were talking and most of their conversations was about their past experiences of drug use and how extreme they were with it. They would remind themselves that they are happy they aren’t in that place anymore, but again they couldn’t direct the conversation in a new direction. Finally I wasn’t really wanting to listen to more of those stories… honestly I’m getting bored listening to these stories… I would like to see what they are wanting to create in their lives but the past is hovering and consuming their minds. I went to bed trying to sleep on the ground in the tent and finally when everyone else decided to go to bed I got up and moved to the back seat of the car because I knew it was going to be much more comfortable and it really was. So in the morning I went ahead and directed the conversation and my focus was to get to know the girl more. I asked her what she’s in to. She wasn’t sure how to respond but she said she spends most of her time with her grandkids. So I jumped on to it because I enjoy kids and mentioned my family… and so she started to open up a bit more and started to tell stories about her family and the joy she gets spending time with them. She started to say how she loves to work on wood… she words for a cabinetry shop and what types of arts and crafts she enjoys. Yeah she definitely opened up and loosened up. She actually gave me a little sign that she wasn’t trying to be standoffish when I woke up and found a little branch that was woven into a heart shape. I loved it and she was smiling and said she thought I might enjoy that… and once that happened I knew she was open to connect a bit more. It takes a little while for some to wake up and needs their coffee or whatever so yeah there was a moment to start a conversation with her. So it was getting towards the time I was wanting to leave and so I parted ways and because she drove separately I didn’t feel responsible of trying to figure out how to get my classmate and all his belongings back. I knew they would be slow moving in the morning and thankful I didn’t have to push him a little bit to get his stuff together so we could leave. Because she was there I knew they would find out the way to get everyone and all the stuff back whenever they decided to head back. So I had an hour drive back and mostly country… I love that and I was getting excited to see to my kiddos again. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen them because of a little disagreement but my dads been able to continue the relationship and since this was a public event… I wasn’t going to let the disagreement stop me from enjoying their performance. My niece was in a play last year that I wasn’t here to attend and so I didn’t want to miss out this year and since i”m here I want to go and check her out. It was the first performance for my nephew and I was excited to see how they would do. I remember a few plays I was in when I was in elementary. There was a video that I remember and how cute all the kids are and some unconscious habits that shows… any way I was looking forward to it and excited. When I returned home my dad already got back from his trip from LA. We thought we would be meeting at the play but he got in earlier then expected and he said he was getting loopy the last few hours when he got back to the comfortable area of Indiana. He said he was in Lala land but knew he was almost home. He got about five hours sleep before getting up and I arrived about a half hour. So we were just relaxed the rest of the morning preparing to go to the play. We had to drop off the van to his wife’s house and got to the play. They were doing Willy Wonka Jr. I thought they did an amazing job… I couldn’t help myself thinking about what I would do to the set.. hehe but I thought it was funny that my dad didn’t remember how dark the movie got. I thought they did it well without focusing too much on the darkness but I couldn’t stop smiling when I saw the kiddos up there. I found myself chuckling to myself a lot when I saw my nephew and niece. They are adorable. Because of this disagreement, I wasn’t sure how they would respond. Well I knew my little nephew would be pretty normal… He probably forgot about it not that long after it happened but also when we’re together we get into our own little world and we just enjoy that world we share together. But my niece she’s a little older and she will better understand what the disagreement was about and so she might not know how to react to me. Yes the disagreement wasn’t between us but it was between adults that she admires and adores and didn’t know how to respond with them not agreeing and reacting in ways that made her feel uncomfortable. So I noticed that she saw me and I saw her not know how to respond but she also kept her professional performance face on. I just saw that she redirected her eyes immediately… hehe.. but not so obvious. I also saw her eyes draw towards us from time to time when she was on stage.. she still enjoyed that we were there to watch them. After the show they came out so people can talk to the actors/actresses… I could finally love on them and I was in heaven. My niece was a bit more hesitant but my nephew wasn’t. We were just drawn to each other and so I spent my focus on him. I don’t know when I’ll get another opportunity so I’ll take advantage of it as much as I can. I get into a little bubble when I’m with them and so we were playing zombie super power rivals… and yes there were quite a bit of people and kids but we were trying to not get over board but still being childlike. I’ve been looking for an opportunity for awhile now and I’m super happy I got it. I didn’t get to see the other kiddos or my brother, but I’ll accept what I had and extremely grateful. Maybe it can be a turning point, but we’ll see how it unfolds. Yesterday evening I met up with another guy I’ve been working with. He had worked in Ohio for the week and he said he’ll have more time to digest our ceremony and will be able to have a better conversation about the experience. So we got together and he was laughing because he was still struggling where he normally doesn’t struggle with conversation but how to explain what happened to him in this experience he hasn’t found it natural. I asked if it’s ok for us to visit a girl friend of mine who lived right around the corner. She’s a close friend I share ceremony with and she understands how challenging to explain her experience as well. I thought it might be good to introduce them. They both are recovering addicts in their own poison of choice but again they are recovering and has gotten the huge struggle out of the way and now they are maintaining. They also have both recently separated from their partners. They both do fairly well in ceremony when it comes to opening up and surrendering. And they’ve been through a Bufo ceremony and so I thought it would be good practice for them to try to discuss this. Again it was nice to introduce people who are kind of in a similar place in their life. They don’t feel so alone in their attempts when they see people in the same boat. I can admit to them that I’ve been there and am still there in my own way but they don’t relate me in the same manner as they did with themselves. I’m noticing the guy is starting to really click with his awareness. We had a conversation about theory and direct experience and he admits that he seems to not be understanding, but when we were talking with her there were a few times he noticed when he went to give examples he wanted to give examples of what he heard from other people instead of his direct experiences and he was catching it. He’s like I’m going to be approaching life completely differently aren’t i… I said hopefully you want to approach life more consciously… if that’s the case then yes we’re going to be changing. we might be heading back to his land this weekend… not sure, but I might see if we can share a ceremony with the three of us and see where it goes. I’m excited for tomorrow drum circle and trying to plan a day where I go disc golfing with my uncle’s wife, swimming in the reservoir, and drumming. I just got a message from the leader and so I’m going to respond. I think theres a full moon in Aquarius tomorrow so I’m going to see if there might be an opportunity to play drums outside or not… maybe I’ll wait until tomorrow to see where everyone is at… but that might be cool! Alright until next time.

So I thought maybe I’d go to the Forum and respond to some threads… but I didn’t see any threads that were sticking out to me to respond to… so I thought what threads can I start sharing? So what things have I been learning lately with the people I’m engaging with that seem subtle but interesting. The first thing I thought of is words of wisdom.. or advice… I’ve been noticing more that when I’m engaging with someone I might have advice to share… and before it seems like I was responding and thinking that this is a lesson I knew and this is an area that they can develop… but I’m realizing if this is coming up in conversation then it’s something I need to look at as well, and an opportunity to look into deeper. How many ways does the universe communicate? Hehe… it’s boggling and exciting I’ve been running into the issue of the structure of conversation. What’s the intention behind a conversation? I’ve ran into one-sided conversations… so I’m guessing I still need to dig deeper in myself on how to balance a conversation out better. When it comes to people I don’t know well in my human experience I find that I’m listening more than speaking, but say I’m talking to people I know really well then I become a rambler… hehe especially when I speak to my pops. So what’s my approach to a thread? Giving and receiving advice… anyone noticing our advice we are giving is directed not only to whom we are speaking to but also ourselves? Having issues socializing? Do we really want to connect or are we just desperate to have someone to talk to? Hmmm… I feel like I’m trying to get somewhere with this, but it’s not coming out as easily Maybe I need to go to some examples and start working it out… see if I can find the juice I’m looking for. Advice… one thing that is coming up to me is when I was having ceremony with my buddy and I noticed that he was on edge… not that he was necessarily being obvious that he was nervous but I could feel it and I’ve just been observing his mannerisms when we’re in social settings. When he’s inside a space he sits off to the edge of the social circle with his body language faced towards an exit… just in case. I thought he is on the verge of running away… am I on the verge of running away myself? I’ve been trying to get to a point where I have one ticket in and no ticket out so I can take in the environment and judge for myself whether I want to continue to stay or not. When I see him I can see the tension in his body as well… He definitely plays it off that he’s the most relaxed and chill guy there is but his body is solid and not pliable. I know I’m much more stiffer than I’d like… there’s tension in my body that once in awhile I’m trying to work out. What am I tense about? Am I trying to run away from something? I’ve been having conversations with people and I know I’ve been saying that I have attracted myself back to Indiana because I’m supposed to be here. There’s people I’m supposed to be talking to and things I’m working out. But in the back of my mind I wish I could just get started already on making some steps towards getting back to the jungle.. hehe…. I’ve been trying to calm down and let things go with the flow… I’m trying a different approach to attract instead of pushing. I’m excited to get back and see where ceremony goes. I cannot help myself… This message of putting my intentions into the Ayahuasca to find my guidance to locate items in the ground… that’s fascinating for me. I’ve heard about this about other shamans who have been guided to find plants or whatever in ceremony and now I get a chance to do this for myself. I’m so curious what it’s going to be like. I’m not there now so I kno wI”m not ready to do it or… I’d be there doing it hehe. I’ve noticed that I’ve been drawn to a few things that I feel have been getting me prepared in a way… Disc golf… Here in my home town we’ve got a pretty wooded area to throw in… so I’m still throwing my discs into the woods less than I used to but still I have to go searching and hunting for them. I’m getting pretty good at locating them… and there are times where it’s almost to the point that I give up…. And I think to myself… what if I get to that point in my upcoming adventures… I’m sure I’m going to pushed to the point where maybe I should just give up. When I’m by myself I’m not in a hurry and so I don’t give up looking and I end up finding them. I have lost one disc but that was when I was with someone. We tried but also it felt like after a long while… we should just continue on. I let the guys I know who take care of the course know that I lost it and so I know they’ll return it to me if they find it. But that’s what I’m learning too right now… not to give up, right? I’ve been playing a this two dots online game and sometimes they offer a seek and find game which I’m getting pretty good at… it seems like it’s elementary style but honestly it’s been helping me pick out the disc quicker it seems. I’ve been getting an idea that when I start to dig that it will be more in the dry season. But I guess I also am getting when it comes to locating and figuring out what I’m supposed to do… I should be by myself. If I’m by myself I won’t give up and feel a pressure that I’m taking too long for someone else. So it’s on my shaman’s land… I feel like I can get to the point where I can ask him to allow me some time by myself to do those sessions. I was in the maloca when I received that message. I will start there and see if it eventually wants me to go to that part of the land to continue. Maybe I should just start at the location of the land… it showed me that location for a reason, right? So yeah if I go and do this myself I feel like I should prepare myself as much as I can before I go. What I mean is to get more grounded before going solo again. I already feel like I’m more grounded and I know that will help when I get there… but I still feel like I need to do more dieta before I go and do solo work. I’m still up in the air about the dieta portion… I want to start of with mapacho. There’s a master mapacho shaman who I’m very interested in learning from. The only reason why I’m hesitant to go with him is because of the outrageous prices he charges. If I didn’t worry about the price then I wouldn’t hesitate. I want to get a better relationship with mapacho. I found how extremely beneficial it’s been in ceremony space and if I diet it seriously I know it will be beneficial for me. So Let’s just say it now… I’m going to be doing a full diet of mapacho with him. I don’t know what that entails but I prefer not to go in rushing it. He also uses others master plants and that’s what I’m hoping for are other plants for grounding. I’ve been feeling around to other shamans as well, but really I know that he’s the one that’s intersting me the most. I don’t even think he uses Aya… and there’s nothing wrong with that. Whatever the structure is to dive deeper into mapacho is what I’m looking for. So… I guess I’ll be starting out in Iquitos. I haven’t been in Iquitos for four years now. I have many connections there that I would like to go visit. Now I”m not trying to map it all out completely but I’m trying to narrow it down a little more. I know I want to be open to spontaneous decisions when the Universe wants to introduce someone or something or a location or an experience for me… so I realize that. I know I have options of two other shamans that I might be doing dieta with as well… I know how important dieta is for me and my growth in holding ceremony… so I’ll do as much dieta as necessary before I go into the solo session of placing my intention into Aya. There’s so many people from Pucallpa that get a hold of me. Lol… it’s almost exhausting to tell each one that I’m returning but I don’t know when. There’s things I have to do in the US right now. I think they’ve had so many people in and out of the jungle… with many that don’t return that they might be afraid I’m gong to do the same thing. Yeah it’s tricky to communicated the expectations they have of me. I want to help as much as I can but it’s definitely not in the way they think it’s going to be. I had to tell a good friend of mine a little more about why I am going there to participate in Aya. She’s not really understanding how seriously I take it and she’s gotten a hold of me three to four times for money since I’ve been gone. I told her this last time that I’d appreciate it if she’s stops asking me. When I’m with her and her family I give as much as I can but right now money isn’t what I can offer her. If she wants advice in anything… then I can help with that. Even just chatting about what’s going on with her and her kiddos would be great. Right it’s gotten to the point that’s the only time she reaches out is to ask for money. Lol… I was talking to another friend and we were getting lost in translation as well. She is an amazing artist and so is her daughter. They sent pictures of some of their embroidery and Aya pipes they’ve made. I saw the Aya pipes and said I had bought one off of their parents and I had trouble using them. I asked her if they are just for decoration or to be used. I couldn’t get her. To answer the question… hehe… I was hoping to see if she can find a way to have them usable because I would get one if they could be used. But there’s like a varnish they put on the outide of the vine that smokes up when I go to light up the pipe… and someone said it’s really just for decoration. I couldn’t get her to say if it was or not. I don’t think she’s ever used the pipe to smoke out of. I think she was trying to say she wants to have an online site that would be called the Tara’s factory… smh… I don’t want that type of website… lol… they think they want to work with me, but they don’t understand how picky I can be. Lol… I’d be pushing them to make their own art through their own experiences… she’s on of the women I’ve been trying to get her into ceremony at least to be present in that space. I’d love to help them out, but again it’s not how they think. I’m also in this for the long haul so it’s not like I’m trying to rush into anything with them. However long it takes, it will take. that’s another thing that I need to look at… I know I feel a little bit of a rush to get these things going because of one of my messages… “He will follow”. Lol… He… he… he… he… I cannot wait to see him. And I know I want to get this all going because it will get me closer to seeing him again. That’s the thing in my first messages I was looking for him and he wasn’t there… so I don’t think he’s going to be actually there in the mountains with us… I hope he is, but I don’t think he’ll at least start in the mountains with us. But He is a big influence on me. But we’re not attracted to each other right now for a reason. We aren’t ready and me wanting to rush this process won’t be of any help either. So I had a vision of this number four… it was all kinds of random fours rotating… and I didn’t know exactly what it meant… and I still dont but what went through my mind is that it’ll take four years to get this going. In my mind I was hoping it will take four years to get to the mountains… shit hopefully it’s not going to take four years to get back to the jungle… lol… damn I don’t think that will be the case. But shit it might be four years in the jungle.. I have no clue.. hehe… but I know it won’t matter how long it will take I’m not giving up. But I don’t think I”m ready to start a thread though either right now… I’ve got many strings I”m involved with here that I’m just going to keep adding them if I post a thread on here. I just thought maybe I can direct some threads a little differently than what I’ve seen the topics are right now… but maybe I’m not the one to do that… hehe… this is good enough for tonight I think… it’s raining again and I might take another walk out in the rain… it was really windy earlier but I think it’s calmed down now. I’ll go check it out.

Alright… Today I was messaging a friend I’m getting to know more who is interested in ceremony. I’ve been speaking to him for awhile and I’m really wanting to get into deeper conversations with him but there’s a distance right now because I believe his wife is not comfortable with us being together… you know what I mean. I’ve tried to suggest that we all three sit down together and talk, but that hasn’t been addressed. So I’m not pushing it. So this friend decided that maybe I should work with his brother as his way of getting his wife to see where we are going with all this. So I’ve been working with his brother. I enjoy both of them and the whole family actually. The friend with his wife they have six children and I’ve been over to their place three times now and had time to spend with them. The first time one of the younger daughter’s got me on their wrestling mat to do some stretching.. hehe it was awesome and they were just very curious and sweet. The last time I went I played darts with the girls, they aimed and fired water balloons at me but I ran away when they tried to dump the entire cooler, and then ended up playing a game of 21 with the boys. I was exhausted yet energized… I absolutely love it. His brother has two boys who around town and I’ve been trying to get to know them a bit more when I get the chance. So yes their sense of family is very inviting for me. And I can’t help myself… I’m looking generations deep in consciousness so I’m trying to create a bit of an impression on the kids too… with all the kids I met I think the range in ages goes from probably eleven to twenty-two-ish. I mean i met their mother and we enjoy talking, and today I met the grandmother. So generational goes in as many ways as I can. So we briefly saw each other yesterday when we were finishing talking to the Mormon missionaries. He was briefly trying to discuss about what he heard about a woman connecting bible verses with the physical body. Today he ended up sending me one of her videos. So I’m going to be completely honest… I rarely ever watch a video that someone sends me. Usually there is no context to why they are sending it to me. They usually don’t have any commentary about why they are sending it to me either. Just a random video. If someone continues to send videos without talking… normally I’ll ask them to not continue. Most of the time that works… hehe… unless she’s in her 70s and forgets I’ve told her about uhhh… five to six times now… hehe. But I’m ok with it, but I still don’t watch them. But in this case… I’m trying to figure out how to catch a way to bond with him. I understand now that I’m trying to find a language to be able to relate and for a better understanding of where we can connect. So he sends the video and I say thank you. We continue the conversation but it’s a little rough. I’m not saying I’m interpreting this correctly but it seems the group of men that I’m working with whom also hangout together often enough. There seems to be an undertone of out impressing each other…. And not in an overly obvious way, but the subtleties aren’t so subtle either. Plus there are varying degrees of feeling like a visitor in their close circle. So I feel this when I have conversations with them… not all the time but there are moments. That’s actually why I like to hangout with people several times because the first time the best face is usually placed and wants to be perceived in the manner that will be acceptable to whom they think I am. After time they start to take off that best face and they just become themselves and especially when they get a better idea where I’m coming from as well. Right, I happen to hear and see things that they think aren’t being observed. I’m not making it obvious that I’m observing them. For the most part people underestimate me and I don’t mind that because I can observe more because of that. There’s a group persona but then each one has their own persona… and I’m trying to figure out how to connect with him. So ideally I want to have deeper conversations with him. So why was it a bit rough? What I can assume is he thinks he has a video that he found some Truth in that is interesting. When he found this video and watched it, he assumed he understood what he was listening to. Which in a way he did, and in another he could’ve interpreted completely different. He’s tried to talk about this woman and her video to me at least two times if not more, but it’s a struggle to understand. He’s struggling to remember the vocabulary she was using. But again… he finds it as a source of Truth and so he thinks I will want to listen to it as well. (I wanted to take a break. I heard the thunder and so I figured it would start raining soon. I got dressed and took a walk around the park and back. It was perfect… it was mostly a mist. It kicked up a little midway. Three quarters it stopped, but then the last two blocks it was coming down hard enough to get my hair wet… perfect! Just what I was hoping for… ok let’s get back to it) So I told him I’m sure I’ll find some Truth in her video but I’d like to hear her words to describe what I think she had in the title Super Consciousness Awakening. I mentioned something similar to what I first mentioned that I”m not really into watching videos sent to me, but I’m trying to get to know him better so I’ll listen to a video he finds interesting. Maybe that will help me out… when in reality I know if we just take time to spend together… we’d get to know each other. Earlier I was writing in this Journal so I mentioned I won’t know when I’ll watch it. I also said I’d prefer to learn from engagements with him. I guess I didn’t know how to tell him that direct experience is the way to learn the best for myself. If I had this women in person so I can talk to her and ask questions and we go back and forth with each other. That’s where I can find some more benefits. But instead I’m listening and trying to interpret a topic I don’t understand in more than a general sense. And then he has his own interpretation of her words… and then I guess we give our opinion about our interpretations. I don’t know… I didn’t even make it half way through the video. But I guess the last part is supposed to be good, he said. So I’ll try to pick it up near the end. Again it’s just a language I’m not familiar in and it’s interesting what she was saying but I’d prefer to attract the visionary scientist I will be working with who I can engage with directly. When that time comes I’ll be ready to wrap my time and attention into it. Right now… not so much. Again I’d prefer to just talk to him about his own experiences instead of other’s words of their experiences. If we talk about our own experiences it’s much more natural and also more clarity. If someone has questions to clarify what you’re trying to say… it will be easier for us to think about another way to respond. When we’re talking about someone else or something we haven’t experienced it’s all speculation and no clarification. Anyway I thought maybe i can send him one of Leo’s videos so he can see my style of videos I enjoy listening to. At first I was going to send him the link “The Advanced Explanation of God-Realization.” I was watching the video to see if that’s really what I wanted to send him. And there was good stuff but then we got to the solipsism part and I thought there would be another one to choose from. Now I’ve always had struggled with solipsism in the way I thought I was interpreting him in his explanations. i was open to it and I of course experience solipsism but the no other consciousness. I remembered he had one last year that might be better, “A New Kind of Awakening, Infinity of Gods.” He had posted this last year in May and this would be the time I’m trying to get out of Peru and didn’t know exactly where to go… at that time I thought I needed an ashram… hehe. But in June I went to Colorado for three months before heading to my dad’s place which became my ashram. So I kind of knew I watched it but I didn’t remember it. I was so frazzled that I couldn’t remember what I heard, but I just got finished watching it and decided to Journal some more. Because this is what I was leaning towards from the beginning of my Aya experiences. Lol… in the God-Realization Leo goes on a bit of a rant on Aya entities and snakes and whatever… I totally agree with this! When it comes to artist and the level of consciousness of the people telling their experiences is portraying Aya far less than its capabilities. Mostly I’ve been starting to talk to the artist I’ve ran into. They are beautiful artists and many of their images are about beautiful animals in the jungle as if that’s what the visions are all about. I’ve found out many of the artist haven’t even drank Aya. They know people will buy this style of art and that’s a popular tourist destination item to purchase. There’s a younger artist I’m talking to who says he drinks, but he doesn’t ever really give me details or elaborate. Which honestly I don’t think he has but is afraid to admit it. I told him it’s so powerful that I cannot stop thinking about it. I also told him all the different imagery I have in my visions when I have them… which most of the time is not the case. I also told him how much my art has changed since participating with Aya. I have a feeling that once these artist actually gain a relationship with Aya they can start to transform the artwork to their personal visions which will show the real diversity that occurs in Aya. I’ve mentioned the women in the villages I know who I”m trying to get to drink in ceremony too… they do designs without understanding why they do the designs. So yes art gives the general public not familiar with Aya a very narrow avenue of the possibilities. Im getting a better understanding on infinite possibilities. But I’ve been able to telepathically connect to five shamans… thats a way of communication during ceremony especially working with guests… I’ve had experiences with this with guests in the space and outside the space as well… yeah we’ve always been getting these connections so it’s been hard for me to understand Leo’s style of expressing solipsism… now I feel like it’s going to evolve with the more experience I gain and really I don’t know if telepathy is an accurate word for it. I’m not hearing someone else’s voice speaking into my head. But I do seem to feel the difference between two people. But there’s time I reach out to specific people to see if they can connect or communicate… sometimes I send my energy out to see whoever can understand. I did this a lot in the dieta… I felt myself asking the people who are ready to work with me to attract each other. I asked them if they’re ready… I told them I’m ready and looking forward to meeting them. I’m calling in my divine lover as well. Lol… that’s the game I keep trying to explain to people. When I listened to this video when I was relaxed and able to focus… I was like yes.. this is how I see it too. The game that we are human so I have to talk to you like a human. And hoping to find a way to get that human to trust me to help them become something nonhuman and universal… but able to go back and forth. It’s been hard for me lately to humor people when they’re bashing on existence. And I’m getting more comfortable of not wanting to humor them anymore. But we’ll see… playing the human game is fun and dramatic… so we’ll see how it goes.

Well good morning. I guess I feel things weren’t really worked out last night. I got a little bit of rest and I remembered a bit of my dream. There was like a man who seemed to be a really close friend or long time coworker… I’m not sure. He did not look familiar. But really it was unusual with how he looked. At times when I would see him he literally looked like he was flat as a board… from the side but when he was in that state that when I looked at him from the front he was really round and tall. I wouldn’t say he would be physically attractive but still I was magnetize towards him. I mean other times I saw him he was quite heavy when he was more of three dimensional state where he had excess skin that was sagging and heavy. He was very quiet and maybe even shy and timid, but he was just as attracted to me. It was a play with him trying to get him to know that I wanted something sexual between each other. Lol.. it was as if I was telling him in so many ways but I was so wild and free he didn’t really believe me but he was wanting to be around to see how I would treat him. It felt like I was really affectionate to him. I was really obvious with wanting to be close to him and again it was as if he was surprised that I wasn’t repulsed by him. It almost felt like a personality that was being displayed where I was figuring out what to do was to be a dancer with him. That’s when I noticed this magnetism and even attraction when we danced together. There was a lot of entangled moments where it seemed like I was at events and finding objects that people left behind… yes many times things were being left behind. Almost as if maybe we were all really into partying. I feel like possibly if we were in the roaring 20s… something like that. I think I was waking up in the dream and finding signs of how wild we were the night before. I feel like I had a really close girlfriend who we just lit up the party together. When I started showing these affectionate and sometimes crude or even say vulgar gestures and comments towards this man… most people were chuckling as if it was a joke but then they started to realize I wasn’t joking at all. I felt like I spoke this out line. I am looking for a companionship. And I do have to admit that I miss being affectionate. the love language of touch has not been present in my experience for awhile now. I’ve been trying to work out a balance with this. So I’m usually a hugger and when I talk I touch people. I used to not really have a safety bubble. Through my work I have been more aware of the misunderstandings and so instead of small adjustments I went more extreme. I even notice that I’m more conscious when I touch someone. Specifically when I touch a man. Something that is popping up is when I went to visit the drum leader and he took me on a ride on his motorcycle. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on a bike so instinctively I just thought it would be safe and appropriate to wrap my arms around him to have the opportunity to hold on if I needed it. It wasn’t a hug or anything but I was able to wrap my arms and then lightly and softly place my hands together without being a bear hug. Well after awhile I saw I have really good balance… hehe… so by the end I wasn’t using my hands and I was able to work the bottom half of my body to counter balance even if there was a sudden slow down. The first time that happened my body went forward onto him. And yes I was apparent thinking about not necessarily placing my breasts on his back. Yes it’s not a big deal but I also know these are subtle moments of communication. So I didn’t remember this aspect of being on the back of a bike. And that’s what I’m saying… I didn’t want to do that so I was adjusting and being more aware of how he was driving to be able to counter that. Now I’m not trying to be standoffish or prude, but also showing a boundary as well. There was one time I wasn’t trying to hug him I found that I placed my hand on his shoulder instead. Lol.. I was just trying to figure out what I was comfortable with. Now when I said goodbyes at the end of the evening I didn’t hesitate to give everyone a hug. That’s a little more conscious as well… I’m not singling any one out but yeah I love to have that touch so it’s great to share hugs. I love the subtle communication of hugs. So I’m wondering if there’s some type of karma that I still need to burn. I’ve been finding myself going back to Leo’s videos. I’ve watched many several times and I’ve noticed how much I was getting out of the videos each time. And nothing’s changed… there’s new understandings. What’s interesting is listening to it and having an understanding through experience instead of theory. I just wasn’t aware how words fall short in communication. Or it’s the degrees of consciousness that makes it feel like it falls short. I don’t want to think of it in that manner because I know this is important for communication as well. Taking Leo’s videos as an example… I wasn’t ready to hear the deeper meanings he was expressing… At my state I needed to interpret it in the manner I did. Each time I’d go back there would be more direction with my deepened growth. And so on. So I know that I had a conversation with one of my ceremonial guests which was a strong memory because I think I had the opportunity to make sure he understood what I was really trying to express. I was telling him different specific messages I was having in my own Aya ceremonies and he asked me… what if I’m wrong? I said quickly that I don’t care to be right. Now this was the opportunity to elaborate. Saying it so casually can be taken differently then what I meant. But to set this up I was trying to explain it seems like we are capable of running as a human experience but then we are also capable of running as universal experience. He wasn’t aware that he has only experienced a human experience so the question of asking what if I’m wrong.. is a judgement statement as if the universe judges. I responded with the understanding of the universe and my human in me understanding that universally there is no wrong… so if humans interpret it’s wrong I know ultimately I go deeper into the situation and understand this is complete perfection and my misinterpretation is part of my state of consciousness… infinite intelligence already figures this into the dynamics. I feel like I want to be more aware of this as well. In a sense I want to be more aware to be able to be more purposeful with my words, but in another sense I just want it to free flow and see what’s said with much effort. I feel these two are combining where it’s easy flow of words with purpose and depth. The other side was how much was actually understood. That’s where I want to ask more questions. But not being so abrasive… hehe I don’t know how to explain it but I know I’m getting better at understanding of being this artistic masterpiece of existence. I’ve always been drawn to an internet name I’ve chosen years ago 2dance2art… I want to be a masterful dancer through the ultimate masterpiece of art which is existence. I’m now able to be more aware of my being in this artistry. And how my way to dance is evolving. I shouldn’t be surprised but it’s still very fresh at this new state so I still am humbled and yet surprised and extremely grateful. I’m leveling up in a more consistent manner it seems and I’m getting more comfortable with it. I know it was a bit overwhelming at first but I’m starting to feel in the groove of it. And it’s really empowering to continue to see how my process is being played out. Lol… to be honest it would be great to pick Leo’s mind on a one on one basis. I get so much out of the videos, but I also know if he engages with me directly… he’ll be seeing things I’m blind to at this state. In a similar way I can do with the minds I’m engaging with. I’d love to have an engagement with a higher state of consciousness. But right I know I’m pretty awesome too.. .hehe… so I’d like to see what I can see him that he might be blind to as well. I’m sure we’re not too blind but that’s a way of saying it. When or If it happens it’s meant to be, but until then I need to continue to observe my own lessons and integration. I’m just so thankful we attracted our attention through YouTube… hehe… it has really changed me as much as ceremony. But existence has probably been the best teacher but I had to learn to be the best student I could be in these tools I’ve been blessed to attract into my experience of a human figuring it out… hehe… it’s a blast!

Ok… so let’s see… I actually ran into a situation where I ended up taking a quarter of a hit of LSD this evening. It’s probably been around two to three years since I’ve used LSD. Time is getting entangled so it’s an estimate. It wasn’t as impactful for me to remember, I guess. But before then I had taken LSD when I was back in late teens and early twenties and it was far and in between. So what I’m trying to express is my experience with LSD. It’s actually pretty minor. Now I’ve heard great things about it so it’s not something I’m opposed to trying. And the friend who gave it to me is someone who seems to be on the more particular side of pure substances. So… it’s not like I’m just randomly taking it from anyone. He’s also someone who is wanting to share ceremony with me who happens to be a fellow psychonaut. However, his definition through his experience of what a psychonaut is… is different from what I would define through my experience. Anyway… I do have opportunities to introduce psychedelics into my experience to see how I’ll be responding to them now. And so it’s been interesting to microdose LSD… I haven’t microdosed before. But I’ve never taken more than a single dose of LSD either. I’m enjoying it. It’s definitely not visually distracting my attention that I’m commonly used to experiencing. I’m not exactly sure how to describe it, because there seems to not be much difference in my conscious state. When I was hanging out with these two friends whom I really don’t know in depth. They grew up in my hometown. And I know my experience of growing up here was different from them, but there’s still a sense of commonality of what life is like in this space. So I’m not sure if I’m really wanting to go into the effects of what I’m experiencing. In fact if there’s something that starts to be more apparent to me, then I’ll point it out. But right now I’ve got something else on my mind I’ve been interested in and I’m trying to wrap my mind around it. So why not see what happens if I use this tool of the Journal to see if something comes out. There might not be a solution but I appreciate the process of Journaling so I’ll give it a try. I’m not sure how to explain it… but maybe this is going to be about context versus content… or maybe the mystery of language… or communication in a larger scale… at least this is what I think I might be pondering on, but maybe there’s something else that I’m blind to. And I know many times I’ve written in this Journal, some of my blind spots have been shown to me. I might not be able to catch it and explain it here, but I recognize it and then I’m able to incorporate into my daily life. Anywho… let’s see where to start. So I didn’t have too many plans for today. I did tell my buddy who had the metaphysical head butt ceremony with me the other day, that I would go over there today to help move any of his belongings. He’s homeless but he’s in his hometown and so he still has belongings. He even has a storage unit that is packed full. I know that much of his identity is attached to these belongings. But I’m not going there either, but he just has collected some stuff that literally can go into the trash or recycled or donated. I’m hoping if he finds it valuable to do this, then I’ll be there to have the car ready to take those items off of his plate. Well… so he’s a bit scattered so I know it takes him time to wrap his mind around things because his mind is running around all the time. Example… when we’re hanging out somewhere and I have said I need to leave at a certain time. Usually I’ll give him a ride, so I’ll start about 45 minutes before I need to leave to get him into the mind set… hey it’s getting time to head out soon… start wrapping up your thoughts you want to share with the people we are with. Also he carries his art supplies with him, so… hey start finding a spot where you can take a break from this piece of art and then start putting away the supplies. Now… I don’t have to really say that to him… but we know each other and so there’s a language that we didn’t have to say it out literally. Now granted it’s been awhile since we’ve hung out… so we have to remind each other how we do things. So there was one time that I had to give him more information that I’m allowing him time to wrap things up. It’s not a rush… just a nudge to his awareness that if he wants a ride from me, then he needs to acknowledge my needs too. So…. I went by his spot before I went to the disc golf with another buddy. When I pulled up he wasn’t there. I didn’t think much about it and returned after 18 holes and he still wasn’t there. I thought it was odd that I missed him twice, but these guys I was hanging with this evening using LSD mentioned he was there earlier with him painting off to the side of place. There was a little thought that came into my mind that I hope he’s not hiding from me… or avoiding me because of our metaphysical head butt. I’ll give him some space, but I’m hoping to take my painting supplies and sit and just hang with him. I really hope he understands that even though our experience in ceremony was intense… it was really amazing in the larger sense of our lives. So in our ceremonies again I wasn’t expecting it to go down like it did, but again I saw the beauty of it… but also another sense of me is like shit… am I going to call out people I know the shit they are trying to hide? But are we really trying to hide it or do we not know how to communicate it. We think language using content will explain everything, but falls short. So that’s the thing am I trying to see how to communicate in a way that we who I’m sharing experiences with can actually hear or understand? I’m very apparent at how much I’ve been missing in understanding… and also remember how much I took for granted when people spoke to me that I actually understood them. We’ll hopefully dive deeper into this… let’s continue the day. So I met up with another friend to go and play disc golf. Again he’s from my hometown so that gives a shared bond, but we didn’t really have the same experiences here and we’re on our journey of trying to communicate and understand one another. So the way I can explain us is a communication disaster… hehe… In fact I continue to come up with ways to see how I can get him to understand that it’s very difficult to communicate with him. He is not the only person I’m running into this… so I have to ask myself… am I this way as well? I know in a way I am, but I also know I have a little better awareness so I can start making changes to correct my tendencies. So again… lol… I might come off as a dick I guess because I call people out. So he and I have had times where I have to get a bit stern with him because he doesn’t listen when you’re just relaxed and meek. I’m not being aggressive when I’m being stern… again I can emit a presence of focus and importance. lol… i don’t know how to explain it. And he’s not trying to hide from me, and he continues to say he respects that I do this for him. but I still wish I didn’t have to do that. He says that he understands me, but every time we hang it’s like he didn’t hear anything I was trying to tell him. It’s like theres a short term memory loss or something. Or literally he did not understand the words I was saying. Because it was obvious to me today when we were playing a round together. There was a moment where he apologized to me… again he’s a bit scattered in his speech and I could see he felt uncomfortable but he was trying to be respectful and wanted to apologize because he thought that would be the right thing to do. At that moment I asked what are you apologizing for? And he hesitated… he wasn’t really sure what he was apologizing for just the fact he thought that was the appropriate thing to do. He ended up saying he’s apologizing if I’m getting annoyed with him. I asked if he knows what annoys me? Again he hesitated and you could see him trying to figure out what he was thinking but didn’t have any answers. I just said I just want to have a conversation with you buddy. It’s a one-sided conversation. It seems there’s so much going on in your mind that you seem to be talking everything in your thoughts without a break or moment of silence. I wish there were moments of time to allow me to share into the conversation. And many times I’m trying to follow what he’s trying to tell me and I’m not wanting to interrupt. He goes on and on that many of my questions don’t get asked. Sometime I do have to break in to clarify or direct his attention so I can figure out what he’s really trying to say. And when I get the opportunity to share and speak… he usually interrupts me. It’s almost like he’s very uncomfortable being in a space with someone and not being the one speaking. When he hangs out with me and my girlfriend who I’m quite close to. They are neighbors now and so they are very close too… but when we’re hanging out… he’s always interrupting us… hehe… he is the most interesting person in the room. I’m hoping he would get more interested in who all else is with us. We did get an opportunity to see how he reacted in a social setting. When we finished our round, a group of three fellow disc golfers who I speak with every time I see them… I like to get to know people. So they waited for us because they saw my car. So we sat down and just had a casual conversation. I was hoping my buddy I was with could see how the structure of a conversation goes. He sat a little away from us but not unusually away. He didn’t know them but I did the introductions while we were walking up to them and I chose to sit at there table to join in on their conversation. So my buddy saw that the four of us were just hanging out. One person spoke and the three listened. Then there was space and then someone kicked in and of course it continues… lol… it seems obvious things, but it’s not obvious to some. I don’t think he was picking up the subtleties but I can recognize it in me… hehe… there was one time that i almost interrupted but I stopped myself because he wasn’t actually finished with his thought. And I wanted him to recognize that too… lol… I’m directing this interactions in great detail hoping this is something he can observe and possibly learn from. But shit he was possibly sitting there in his head thinking about what he wants to say and not really hearing what’s being said. He did chime in from time to time and if was appropriate it just was a bit timidly expressed as if he wasn’t certain to say it or not. I’d back him up on his direction, if we was struggling a bit on expressing himself I’d just say a line of clarification. that’s what I guess I’m learning about myself too… yes I can be teaching in a love tough love manner, but ultimately I’m there right by them to help support them. I’m telling you this comes from deep love. I still find myself wanting to apologize for giving out tough love. I want to be the feminine quality of nurturing mostly, but my masculine quality of no-shit comes out from time to time. Lol… I’m a bit concerned that my masculine no-shit isn’t going to be balanced with the nurturing. I’m not sure why I’m concerned about it because I’m being balanced with it. It’s like the no-shit approach is to get their attention to focus… and then I’ll use the nurturing to explain. With these two examples they are not comfortable in social settings and I’m trying to help them out with this. Lol… I feel like I’ve been a good conversationalist… but I also know I can get deeper into my understanding. Lol… I’m trying not to take it so personally when I’m dealing with these situations because I’m questioning myself… dude am I this bad? Is that why its in my experience so much… maybe I just need to focus on getting better with it… there’s many who are having similar issues so if I can find a way to communicated it now with my familiar hometown friends… then it will be easier for me if I run into others I meet. So I returned back home and I ended up taking a short nap. Once I woke up… I got a message from a buddy who was visiting my neighbor. My neighbor wasn’t home so he was asking what I was up to. My neighbors is kind of a gathering area… so I met him over there. He and his dog were over there and we just started to hang out. He told me right away that he was microdosing LSD. I didn’t think much about it. In fact I thought maybe I could talk a little deeper and maybe there would be a deeper understanding… lol… anyway we’re sitting there having a conversation and then two young Mormon missionaries come walking up. They asked us if they could talk about versus. Of course I was interested but I wasn’t sure about my friend and he seemed to be up for it too. So we approached them and I asked them their names. I asked them where they are from. How long have them been in our town. I established a setting that I’m familiar with the congress here in this church. A very influential and amazing family were Mormon and highly respected in their church. So I got them familiar with me and let them know they are welcome and ok to be relaxed. I also was trying to show them a great way to obtain rapport with people they are meeting to speak about their beliefs. I don’t know if they have a script to follow to approach new people, but I was showing them hey get to know your audience before coming right out. Ultimately I know they are trying to show a way to help guide us to Truth so I respect the act they are involved with. In fact I feel like I’m a missionary myself in a way. Actually one of my closest brother-friends is a part of that family I mentioned. And I know him, I guarantee that his approach was much different then these two kids, but there only two to four months into this… so they’ve got time to adapt approaches to be maybe better effective. In fact I saw them playing basketball with some kids at the court, and I mentioned that I saw them playing. so again letting them know we’re all cool right now. I know I’m prepping them up so if we do get a bit deeper into our knowledge they would be a little more open to hearing. And I knew there was a possibility that I could trigger something and wanted to be more friendly in my nature and not trying to be confrontational. In my head I’m also thinking of possibly showing my buddy how to approach opposing beliefs or understandings. So they asked us if we are very religious? We said we had some religion that influenced us but now we term ourselves spiritual not religious. I took a little opportunity to tell them my history in religion to spirituality and yes I mentioned ceremonies using psychedelics. My buddy also got the time to tell his background which is different from mine. Now… I didn’t come right out and say this… there was dialogue that was happening and when they directly asked me what ceremonies indigenous perform was when I told them. Again I used words which are commonly used but then spoke my definition. I was trying to explain this approach gave me a tool to experience God directly instead of trying to interpret others’ words. They started to ask us about Jesus Christ. When it was my turn to answer I said I see him as a master teacher of Spirituality. I also gave them an opportunity to understand that Jesus didn’t have a book or teacher for him to experience God. Shamans in ceremonies are approaching their spirituality in a similar manner… they too are master teachers of Spirituality. In my case it wasn’t their words, it was the tool they use that guides me. They mentioned that the need to clarify that they see Jesus Christ as a God. And I was excited about that because I said that’s what happens with you become a master of Spirituality is when we experience God directly and understand God is all of us and everything. I think they were a little stunted but then one asks me if I know about the concept of atonement. I told them my understanding of atonement is when someone feels guilty about an action they have committed or their peers judge their actions as evil that they have to show a display of shame to be worthy of forgiveness of God. They agreed with my statement and didn’t go any further. Around this time my neighbor arrived along with my buddy’s brother. I didn’t really allow the opportunity for introductions because again I want this to continue to be amiable. I don’t know if it was going to get sour, but I didn’t want that to be an option. So I used their entrance into our bubble as a clue that maybe it’s time to wrap it up. And they got that feeling intuitively as well and mentioned we are welcomed to join them this Sunday. We thanked each other and wished one another well. When they left the group of guys there kind of laughed and asked how it went. They asked if we asked them to do psychedelics with us to get to know God… hehe… I said we didn’t, but i did briefly mention that I use them as a Spiritual tool. I seemed to pick up they were surprised I would mention it, but then it seems like a realization that this is what I do so why wouldn’t I mention it. As I look back at this conversation I wonder if I should have observed more than being so engaged? I would have been able to observe how my buddy would’ve chosen to express. I wonder if he would’ve admitted to using psychedelics… hehe… well setting an example is appropriate too, right. So after this we started settling into the hangout mode once my buddy’s brother left. We weren’t in a hurry we were just open to hanging out and see where it goes. That’s when the microdosing LSD was offered. I didn’t respond at first. I wanted to know what microdosing to him meant… lol… I’m aware his doses are not the same as mine. So what does his microdosing mean really. He showed me and that confirmed and he ended up cutting up the microdosing strip in half for me which I didn’t complain. It’s been awhile and I’ve been more sensitive so the less the better. He grabbed some oranges as well and that’s always good to have citrus with psychedelics for some reason. In fact i wonder if I shouldn’t be taking advantage of that more in my ceremonies. Geesh… I feel like there’s a lot of details but I can’t possibly go into everything or I won’t get any sleep tonight.. lol… it’s already 5:44 am right now. Geesh… well I guess I’m going to skip to this language or communication thing I’m pondering on. I’m going to go ahead and bring back my drumming troupe lesson. Oh by the way, I spoke to the troupe’s leader, my buddy I was getting to know before class, he sent another invite for next week which I quickly accepted. Should I go into that communication? Might as well… so I’m not sure if the people who might be reading this is getting the picture that what I do on the daily is my work. I am another master of Spirituality (relatively speaking to whom I’m usually engaged with) and so who I encounter is not taken for granted. We’ve attracted this moment to share even a moment of exchanging a message. So the drum leader was thanking me and saying how much he enjoyed meeting me. He ended up sharing some of his class work in his energy healing course he’s taking. He’s supposed to be creating words to help heal. I read it and I enjoyed it, but I also saw where his development is. So I couldn’t help myself and said I was moved by his words that I’d like to do a collaboration. I told him I didn’t know where it was going to go but I’m going to use his words and intention and maybe be able to create an affirmation from it. So let’s see… I won’t post his words since I haven’t gotten permission but I don’t mind posting my affirmation for him to review… again this was not thought out… I responded writhing five minutes of reading it. I knew he was on the other line so I didn’t want to take too long to response. So let’s see here’s my version: (I’ll go ahead and post a screenshot… I love that I’m listening to Leo while I’m writing this out… hehe.. love it!) Our expression of Great Love pours fourth from us because we recognize our woven connection with Great focus of Spirit. Our Hearts and Minds are in Union with the Beauty, Wonder, and Blessings we share. Glorify our Union moment to moment and we’ve found our Heavenly Home. So again… most of these words are words he wrote or had spoken to me in conversation. So this is his tone he’s setting and so whoever he’s speaking to will be able to relate to these words he’s using. So why was I changing up his words? Lol… not because they weren’t beautiful or anything… it’s just he was sending undertones of separation that he might not be aware of. At the beginning of his words he was talking to something other than himself (God, divinity, Great focus of Spirit) is in a space outside of where we exist (Heaven as something other than here and now). There was a little bit of words using “others” who need to come to this understanding of this “other (Great focus of Spirit and Heaven). I pretty much eliminated this sentence that he used because it’s not necessary really… Great focus of Spirit is not in doubt or in need… that’s how existence is whether we humans experience it that way or not. So I tried to be more inclusive as much as I can without putting in my own words. The next time I see him I wonder if we’re going to talk about this? I wonder if he sees the difference in the undertones of our words… I know he recognized there was a difference but I wonder if he knows what that is. We had some very deep and interesting conversations so I thought he would be able to accept or be open towards this approach to share where we are in our learning. Gosh I feel like I have to go into this too… so for some reason I happen to be working with majority men. Yes I know I’m very comfortable in that setting but also there’s a dynamic our structure of communication which isn’t really being discussed. So again it’s not like I wish this is what goes on but this is what is going on. There’s a sexual undertone that starts our interactions. I can admit that I’m not horrible looking but I know that my appearance helps men to open up to me. Now in the beginning they are trying to portray themselves as a possible sexual partner. They aren’t the brute men who are extremely obvious… they are implying. So I’m trying to emit that my sexual energy is not a possibility in the physical. There’s a lot of work into play in doing this because again I’m not trying to reject them… I’m trying to see that my focus never goes there unless we’re addressing something specific to our concern about sexuality. In fact I try to interject fairly early on my views about sexual relationships as early as I can. Not always do I need to be brute and extremely obvious, but yes some times if not most of the time I have to be this way… lol… it’s refreshing when I don’t have to. Anyway… I realize there’s a lot of assumptions that men have about me and I’m finding ways to spotting them. They don’t realize that I have no intention of sleeping with them and that our interaction has nothing to do with sex. Also I really don’t mind not being the center of attention. These are strong men who are leaders in their own circles… I want them to continue to be that leader I’m not trying to take over. I’m just trying to help in areas they aren’t seeing for themselves. I want to be able to support them without pushing them too hard. There’s a few guys I’m working with… well many if not most who haven’t really recognized who I am for them. They always joke around about I’m their spiritual shaman… but that’s the thing… they are joking. They really don’t see me as this… until they actually are engaging with me in conversation. Shit they were calling me this without a conversation so how serious can they be. They might assume that I’m all femininity in my approach and so there’s a subtle undertone that I might be on the more submissive side… this is where they aren’t quite understanding yet. Yes I love to be in my femininity, but I’m very much in touch with my masculinity as well. And I have so much experience with the masculines that I understand some of the language that isn’t being said aloud. Language!!??!! This is what’s getting me… this language that I’m trying to use to communicate which isn’t a proper tool. Or I haven’t understood what language is and I’ve taken for granted. When I was in the drum circle I recognized there was a language the drum troupe was speaking that I couldn’t hear fully. But I also know that I was picking up on it and they were noticing me noticing that I was trying… lol. When it comes to my friend who leads the drummers… it felt like he wasn’t really getting to know me until we started playing drums. It was as if he was seeing me for the first time when we were drumming because that was a language he knew very well. He knew I was new to this language, but he saw how quickly I was picking up on it. To the point I was aware when I was off and how I was trying to sync back up. There’s a way as a teacher to see how aware the student is and I know he was picking up. Now that I have one class under my belt… I feel like I can let go even more in the next class… It’s like I need a little time to get comfortable with the language and then I’m ready to really express even if there’s mistakes. I just have a lot of confidence in myself… He was very surprised at how quickly I picked it up…he said he rarely sees anyone who has such high aptitude in rhythm. I’m getting more confident that I just have a high aptitude in learning in general. I stopped a worker who was using a backhoe today and he kind of was talking me through it a bit. I realized I didn’t have to work a job doing this. I know I’d be able to pick it up easily. I’ve been trying to find job opportunities but I know it’s not like I want to do this as a job.. .hehe.. I’m already doing my job. But I think I was intimidated by the size and power of the machine and so I thought I’d need some special training and many hours of experience. But I’m getting the sense that I don’t think that’s necessary. I’m going to be cautious but I’m going to figure it out too. If i do run into a project where I can assist then great, but it’s not something I need to make a big deal. Literally… if I don’t get a chance, I’d still be able to get into a machine and figure it out. That’s what I do… hehe. I also officially made a decision with the guys working on these machines all agree… dig in dry season and not the wet season. So that at least narrows down when to start the dig project. I can also stop looking for work in this area. There’s options that have ran across my discussions with people that seem very interesting… but I’m wondering if there’s more options available that is more fitting for me. There’s been rejection when it comes to allowing me to learn on these machines… and there’s a saying I hear from the tarot community… I apologize I can’t remember who says it, but it goes like “rejection is for our protection” and I love that because rejection means we’re not in alignment… something’s off and there’s an opportunity that will be in alignment; it’s just needs some divine timing to show itself. Everything is in divine timing so I’ll just see when and what that will be. Ok… this is good.. there were some things that were sparked in me… and I want time to digest and see what else brews up. For now I’ll try to get some sleep. Until next time.

Well what an amazing day I had. I was looking forward to going to the drum troop practice and seeing what the center was all about. Since I was driving an hour away… I asked a fellow disc golfer if he had suggestions around that area. He said one and I went ahead and planned on going there before I had to meet at the center. I found an all country route to get there which I love. I love the country and while I’m in Indiana that’s one thing I just love doing is cruising in the country. But anywho I arrived to the course and the first thing I found was a long feather over a foot long and I thought it was pretty cool and there were about three of them close together. Sometimes I pick up feathers, but not all the time… this time they stood out to me so I went ahead and snagged them up. I hadn’t been to this course before and was really maintained. I can’t help myself but of course I start thinking about how the design is setup and I start thinking of things for improvement. Mostly how they located the tee spots and pins weren’t really an issue. The signage could definitely help us out more. Good thing this one had a large photo of the map of the course which I snapped a picture of. Granted there’s an app that can be used for much more ease, but I’m not connected to the web when I’m out and about… so use instincts and then any assistance that’s available. That’s where it was a bit tricky…. The locations weren’t as intuitive as I would like to design a course. I’d try not to use the picture and follow the land and even some paths they have and it didn’t lead to the next hole… hehe… but honestly it was a lot of fun! Much more open spaces then what I’m use to at my home course, but still some great little wooded areas to enjoy too. After a few holes I ran across again to some more feathers… they seemed to be sticking out like a sore thumb and I kept snagging them out. I’m not used to seeing so many at one setting to the point where I was looking for more and I kept finding a tone of them. I probably grabbed too many but I couldn’t believe how many were there throughout the course. I’m going to look them over and see which ones to keep or not. I don’t really know what I’m going to be doing with them. I’ve received feathers and kept them for periods of time but then I usually give them away to people who would enjoy them more than I was. When I was picking up the feathers the girl’s brother who is joining the American Indiana moon dance came to mind. I was enjoying picturing myself at the gathering. I’d be getting introduced to another indigenous tradition that I know I’d find so satisfactory… lol… She told me there’s a large gathering that will paint themselves and dance from sundown to sunrise to show gratitude. In my mind I can see music involved… drums maybe flutes? I’m not sure what they will use. I’m not sure if they’ll have a sweat hut involved… there’s some stories that I’ve heard but I haven’t experienced one for myself first hand. Yes, once a sweat lodge and it was intense in a great way. But it was me and my friend who was taught and shared with me since I hadn’t tried one before. I love ceremonial experiences to connect deeper into spirituality so I know I’d love to see what that actually looks like. If I go, I’d like to take the feathers with me in case they are making handcrafts to prepare for the dance. Maybe I can use it a part of my clothing?… a fan? See how they use feathers because I’m sure they’ll have some… well that’s just an assumption… but I know I’m going to be attracting these types of experiences. But I allowed myself two hours to play the course; I didn’t know how challenging it was going to be or not. Well it didn’t take much more than an hour which is about normal for me when I play 18 on my home course… so I had some time to spare. I had directions to get from the course to the center and it was taking country roads and I drove right by my uncle’s place. I had only been there once and we just dropped him off. He hasn’t lived there long. I knew the course was close but it was only two blocks away and I happened to be taking the country roads that passed next to him. So I decided to turn around and visit him. I wasn’t sure if he and his wife were home. His wife answered the door. We’ve met a few times now, but not a lot of conversation though… until today. She’s extremely sweet. We both enjoy walking a lot. She actually saw me on the course playing. She didn’t know it was me when she saw me, but I was wearing my hat. When I came to the door with the hat she asked if I was over there. She was walking around too. She goes twice a day. I told her I do the same thing. We agreed that when we go anywhere to visit one of the first things we like to do in the morning will be to walk and explore the surrounding areas. She said the last time she went to Chicago she walked to all the thrift shops within a three mile radius. We both chuckled because I’m a thrifter myself. Yeah she was actually very personable and we didn’t have any issues having a conversation. She hasn’t been married to my uncle long, and I wasn’t living here when they met and married. I heard about her but not too many details. When she comes to our gatherings she’s usually pretty quite. She doesn’t play cards so she usually leaves early and sometimes we have to drop our uncle off at her place. That’s why I knew where he lived. Well a vague idea where he lived. But again she was so sweet and said that when her grandson comes into town she would like to get a hold of me so I can teach him how to play disc golf… hehe… shoot she said she’d like to learn too. I said that I might be taking a few trips to the center… I’ll just add this as part of the journey so we can play together. She said her grandson and a few other family members went kayaking down White River which normally is fun but they had a bit of a disaster going last time. She can chuckle about it now, but during the trip it was taxing on the group. That is what I remember about her description. She was really sweet and liked to be active… lol… I absolutely love my uncle but those would not be the words to describe him… hehe… but opposites attract, right? I think she’s been rubbing off on him already. I mean he’s extremely smart and business savvy… I feel my family mostly all have a great strategic sense to life. I didn’t plan on stopping by, but I’m glad I did. I made it to the center and I was to meet my new friend at 3 and we’d have three hours to hang before the drumming. I guess he thought the director of the center was going to be showing me around. She’s out of state and wasn’t actually returning until tomorrow… so he showed me around. He maintains the land and fixes equipment and buildings… he also is the man who builds the drums and teaches. I’m glad he was the one showing me around… not that I didn’t want to meet the director. I guess she’s a motherly type who nurtures the center and it’s people… so I know I’ll love her. But this guy… he’s noticeably been developing his consciousness and I wanted time to get to know him and have some interesting conversations. And we did just that. When I first arrived I came a few minutes early so I went to the community building and no one was there. I started to drive the property looking for his van and couldn’t see it… lol.. well we just missed each other at the community building. Finally I returned there and he was there waiting. We got onto his motorcycle and he took me to the reservoir first. I told him that I’m wanting to get my motorcycle license… riding with him makes me want it even more. It is so much fun and the wind… how can I explain how much I love wind. Theres’ many people who understand how much I love fire… so it’s something like that. I’m a windows down and hands out the window and my hair blowing every which way type of gal. A bike… is right up my alley. We returned to the center to part of the 65 acres. It’s the section they’ve given to a conservation organization where it’s not a public land that has a short trail. He helped manicure and deign the path… shaped like an infinity sign. I guess they used to host many sweat hut events but no longer doing it. He said one winter he found himself riding pretty fast through the trail and almost ran into a deer. He was stopped and when he looked around he said he was surrounded by over 60 deer… I can imagine how extremely breath taking that would be. Quite magical and he’s grateful to have gotten the opportunity to be able to experience and remember. They have other trails at a different location so we went back to pick up the golf cart to drive through. It was next to the river… I love the water. When we were by the reservoir I mentioned that I wish I would have brought my swimsuit. He said they have a pool to swim in or even the river. I love rivers but being able to submerge my body fully sounded so great. He showed me the pool as we were going to the river and I asked if it’s ok to go swimming. It’s pretty private and I’d have to go skinny dipping. He said that it would be fine.. we’d just need to go get a towel from his place. After the river he took me to the ceremonies rock circle which really nice… i mean they had so many nice things there.. small community.. let’s say about 10 buildings and three barns maybe around that. He showed me their sanctuary they build with an exterior and interior wall build out of the river stone that they found on the property.. it was absolutely gorgeous with large windows to view the woods. I loved it! At first he thought what can we do for three hours… and once we started hanging out he said… it’s going to go too fast isn’t it? You’ll have to come back to be able to do everything… hehe… well it was about twenty minutes to practice when he dropped me off at the pool. Yaaaaassss… when I don’t have acesss to running water… surrounding myself in water… geesh I descríbale how much pleasure and fulfillment from being in water. It was refreshing a perfect! I strolled back tot he community center a little before practice to get ready and say my hellos to their troop. There were only three of them that showed. He said his troop ranges usually around 6-9 people. Two women and a man. One of the guys from Indy from our small group came as well. I guess he’d been on this property fifteen years ago. He was getting nostalgic about it… he said it really kicked started his art back when he was there last. He was there to do a drumming retreat. Well I haven’t actually been to many drum circles. Well the drum circles I’ve been to actually weren’t always drumming. there was a lot of dancing. It’s more been a freestyle at those circles with sometimes a little instruction. Well… this was setup differently. This troop does performances. So they have around twenty songs they play so that’s what they practice. So there’s a minimum of four different rhythms playing in harmony together and up to seven rhythms. So there would be at least one of the rhythms that I would learn from each song we played. I forget sometimes that people get surprised how quickly I pick things up. I’m just used to being able to do it that I don’t feel like it’s a big deal. The friend teaching said I have a very high aptitude in rhythm. I know I haven’t been taught drumming much but I know I can get pretty good at it. If I can watch and hear the rhythm then I’m golden. It was structured and it really impacted me much more powerfully then the drum circles I’ve been to before. My ears aren’t adapted to hearing all the intricacies of the different drums going all at one time that… I’m describing it dramatically but it’s more chaotic and I usually try to find my own chaos that mixes well. this style I don’t find chaotic at all and we seemed united. I mean there were times we were in the zone that I heard a woman or women singing or chanting with us. The way the teacher was playing his drum… they seemed like there was a choir with us… it actually freaked me out a second because I was wondering who was singing. It sounded so apparent to me that it was throwing me off because I’m expecting to look over and see women singing because they sounded so close. The group laughed at me because that happens a lot in their space I guess. There was one specific song that really did it… and i guess in that song I accidentally was increasing the pace maybe because of how the choir was increasing the intensity inseide me. It was so crazy in the best way. I laughed afterwards because I was jokingly tapping on his drum… and said I guess you’re the only one that can make the girls sing. Because it was so apparent. Our friend from Indy last weekend told me later that he couldn’t hear what I was hearing. I was really surprised by it. that was powerful… exactly that hasn’t happened at a drum circle I’ve been too. One of the girls said I guess that means we’re playing well… hehe… I agree. They are so great and I was able to keep up with the rhythm… I’d make mistakes but able to catch back fairly easily. I could see absolutely loving this way of playing. I mentioned the sa’sa dance of the Samoans… so I said I think it’s just there in me. That’s what I think is so powerful there is everyone in unison playing the different rhythms and chants in unison… I really enjoy that. But there’s usually variety into the mix too that dances through the main beat. We were talking about the language they’ve created playing drums together that I cannot hear right now. I know I’m mostly focusing on my rhythm and also the person I happened to be watching to help keep me in sync. I can hear the others but I couldn’t really enjoy them like I would like. Plus hearing the very subtle cues of when everyone stops the song simultaneously. I cannot help to wonder how ceremony will transform when I start to get music incorporated into the mix. I told them that I’ve had a little experience with piano and flute when I was younger because of my stepmom, but once they got a divorce I didn’t have the access to explore more. I know I’d find a way to really find my way of speaking through the music. I know I cannot regret anything because I get an understanding that I don’t necessarily learn in the general sense… I don’t know how to explain what I’m trying to say. I do learn in the general sense but there’s another degree I learn too… differently when it’s more of a personal exploration. I know when I do get opportunities to play with instruments I have an absolutely amazing time… and so so so extremely grateful. I’ve been having a feeling music is going to be an Icaros I’ll have as part of my style of Icaros as well. I had already started by doing sa’sa in ceremony from time to time. I’m not sure if I’m going to just stick to my body… or if I’m going to be taking instruments in with me. I’m hoping I’ll have some interments the next time I return. I do that from time to time place items in ceremonial space and see if I’ll engage with them or not. Many times no… but there’s been a few times where I will. that’s how I would like to do with the instruments. Lol… I can’t wait to et that chance to play and instrument on Aya… lol… I might even be able to sing my Icaros as the same time… which singing and drumming at the same time at this level of consciousness is tough. but again I haven’t had much practice in it thought either. In Aya… shoot I wouldn’t even have to practice… I’ll remember that they are an extension of myself and that we’re intimately in conversation with one another as if we’ve been together all along. which we have but I don’t have the memories of that relationship. I love the degree of context and content of conversations lately. I’ve been really looking forward meeting with people to hangout. We’ve attracted to this moment to share together… let’s take our time and see what we can discover in this moment. there were so many great conversations and also interesting stories from the people… but nothing is sticking out to me right now to discuss. Well I guess there was one that I’m thinking of. He has had spiritual teachers in his life and many have been American Indian. He was telling me about rites of passage for their children to become adults… is when they are creating opportunities for the children to experience spirituality directly instead of focusing on the external environment… internal and spiritual is just as important if not more. This is when a boy turns into a man. I giggled and said… that rite can also be from human to eternal. Of course there’s a lot I didn’t say to prepare for this but the conversation was just so effortless. I know I found myself trying to tell him that I know he’s highly conscious… I recognize that in him and since I recognize his degree; I want to take advantage of the opportunities to really have meaningful and purposeful conversations without effort because that’s just what we’re inclined to do. It feels easy and effortless. That’s what I’ve been wanting to attract into my life… and I’m starting feel that shift come into play more… especially lately. It’s nice.. hehe… well I’m going to head to bed. I’m pretty tired. Have a good night, or day… whichever. Until next time.

Well… this might be a time to get back to Journaling because I feel like I’m processing in a way that I feel the Journal will be helpful tool. Did I mention my dad is taking his wife and her sister to LA? They drove out there and everything was going fine until they reached California. He planned out the gas stops and ran into a little hiccup because higher prices than expected. I guess there was a close call on a possible wreck once they got into the state. I got him to rent an Airbnb… he chose one in West Hollywood because it looked really nice… which it is but I guess it was pretty complicated for them to figure out how to get to the spot. He’s very good a road navigation but the host sent videos on how to find his apartment from the parking garage to his unit…. So he’s already aware that it’s challenging for his guests to find… well I could hear in my pop’s voice how tired he was… seemed like the energy is just deflated. He has a tendency to easily complain about things. When I went to Italy and found myself at times suffering, I knew it wasn’t the location I was at… I was taking myself with me. How can I be suffering in these amazing locations. Granted for the most part of was having a great time, but this is when my lover at the time and I were not having the romantic vacation we thought we were going to have together. And a few months after this trip is when I went to drink Aya for the first time. So yeah it was obvious to me that I was the problem, not Italy. Well my dad has traveled with me to different spots and he can be taxing. One thing goes out of what he expects it to be he gets a little huffy about it. I tell him that’s not helping things out, but I also see its an automatic response in his words. I don’t’ know his self-talk of being aware this is habitual for him and that he’s working on changing this habit… but from the outisde it’s a cycle he might not really be aware of. So I have to remind him they got their safely and it’s supposed to be a vacation… enjoy himself with the ladies! Rest, relax, and explore! He chuckled at me because I know he knows he wants to do these things but his psyche has been jolted since reaching California and he couldn’t possibly see how to recover from that before he has to get back on the road and drive back by himself. The kiddos have a play coming up on Sunday so he’s trying to make it back. But I have to remind him that he comes first. Don’t push it if he needs to rest more for his safety then do it. There’s no pressure for him to get back on time. There will be plenty of plays and if he pushes it and makes it there safely… he might end up falling asleep during the play and I guess that’s ok, but defeats the point… hehe I wanted to address this thought about words of wisdom… I mentioned that my buddy I had ceremony has great words of wisdom, because he’s done some great work on himself. I just wanted to remind him that when he’s speaking it to someone… we’ve done the work so we can recognize someone can hear it to help guide them to get their own direct understanding of it. What we might not be conscious of is what is our state when we are aware we are sharing wisdom? Do we think we already “know” this lesson fully, Ultimately? Well if we aren’t aware of infinite depth then yes we might already think we know this lesson and there’s nothing more to explore. But when we are developing into the depth of nature we understand that these words of wisdom isn’t just for the other… it’s for ourselves. Yes we’ve working on this area, but it’s a reminder that it’s time for us to dig deeper into this area as well. Seems like there’s always work to do, but it doesn’t feel like work… it’s just what it is Ok… I’m going to be heading out for the day… I just wanted to jot my thoughts out before I go… chao

`Ummm… something seems to be happening. I’m getting excited about it. So today I got a chance to share in a Bufo ceremony…again… I’ve mentioned him before being in the same graduating class and was reluctant to smoke the Bufo. He gave me permission to talk about what went down in ceremony today. Well shit, let’s just say I’ve never experienced a ceremony quite like this. It’s still a little boggling to my mind right now, because one part of me wanted to apologize but the deeper part was thinking this is what I’ve been wanting to see out of ceremony… hehe. I’ll try to explain how excited I am about seeing these changes in ceremony lately. So we’re both a dollop of fearlessness, splash of sass, and a lot a’bit of creativity and heart. But there’s been times in our past where we’ve butt heads… lol… literally. I think I’ve head butted him twice growing up. Once on accident and the other on purpose. Now calm down, he’s the only one I’ve ever had to head butt by the way. Hehe… it’s not like a regular thing I do… hehe. This is who I’m dealing with…. I had to knock him in the head with my head to get his attention to really snap into focus… lol.. like we’re two neanderthals. I guess that’s what I can try, is to explain our relationship. He’s surprised that he got the bully label for our class, but dude he has to know he was a bit of a bully. Right, there’s ways to show intimidation without pushing to the limits. I’m not really sure if intimidation is the word I’m trying to use… but when I got serious like, hey listen to me… I gave the strict face and widen the eyes a bit to stare… shoot, maybe a slow cock with the head. Or maybe actually an abrupt snap of the neck and dead stare… hehe. I have memories doing this because I did it plenty of times. And have seen that similar look from others too. But I’m telling ya, it had to take an extreme step over the line to get me to respond in this manner. And my line seems to be flexible with much allowance.. hehe in my opinion. Good thing I’m working on not being the intimidator anymore… because I’m not wanting to attract any responses that would lead to that. Well I have to admit I don’t think I was trying to manipulate but i guess it could be a possibility… I guess I have the memory in my bag so It’s tricky writing in here because I feel like I’m working things out in here… but misunderstandings are going to be a part of it anyway… lol. Any who… even playing sports there was a way I carried myself to show presence. It’s a subtle form of intimidation which I think I can stretch, right. But he should also know that he was one of the choices because his approach could lead to a possible fist fight. But he’s been doing some spiritual shit… a lot of the real work. It’s obvious to me, noticing subtleties seem to be coming to me easier. But then I’m not filling in the background when I’m with people sometimes, I guess. I’ve seen how much he’s been “doing the work” by mostly using extreme amounts of suffering. He’s recognized he was being conditioned by bullies. He admitted to me the physical abuse and manipulation he was living with back then, which was unknown to me. I mean I kind of thought that, but I didn’t really experience those extremes with a large span of my life to know what that would actually be like. Well… if I’m honest… I got a taste of toxic manipulation for awhile and it was not easy to handle especially because I was pre-teen. Sometimes I would fall for the subtle manipulation and had to snap myself out of it. But again our degree of abuse were not equal, maybe? I mean I had the opportunity to get out of that situation when I was younger. Now, our relationship is having the capability to form into something deeper for sure. This relationship has impacted me in amazing ways too. My buddy, that’s all he was introduced to or at least impacted his trauma the most. He’s still a bit in the trap of it to some extent. But again he can also taste he’s working to break out of this ancestral trauma conditioning. lol… wait a minute… I’m telling you background on my buddy but I didn’t learn a lot of the details until ceremony. Ok so let’s just go with the damn ceremony then before I start doing the backstory that I didn’t understand. So here I am… I’ve been sharing Bufo with quite a bit of folk now. Hmmm… let me see maybe it’s best to give numbers to get a better understanding… how many people have I shared Bufo with? I’m thinking around 22 people.. welp the goddess who gave it to me, would be 23. The quantity of times we’ve shared has varied from once to the most maybe five times to one person. I know they’re each different but damn… I didn’t realize it was going to be what went down. So first of all… I knew he’s a tough shell to crack. In my ways I’m trying to tell him that I’m noticing how tense and anxious he is but not saying that straight out. He does have a degree of being the laid back guy and I think he even said he’s the most chill guy I’ll ever know. Which makes me chuckle… but I do love this guy. He’s “Braveheart” in his soul but he doesn’t really know how to convey that to people who judge him instantly. If anyone wants to get to know him… it’s going to take awhile before he lets his guard down even though he’s approachable and funny. He’s an enigma like us all. After the first time sharing it with him, I was trying to tell him that I’d love to see if he can go deeper by trusting this more. I mean I really wanted to send him with Bufo so he can share this with his father who is on hospice. I thought maybe his dad was at a state to be able to possibly try Bufo. I’m thinking it’s going to be pure bliss, because most of the time that’s my average… lol. Well… it was tough love time. Again while I’m smoking the Bufo I feel I’ve been getting a bit of intuitive hints to what’s going on with the guest. So I lit it for him while he inhaled. Now he takes three to four times for inhalation in the same amount that usually takes me one without a break. I’m not sure if that makes a difference. And I’m not certain if it’s true, but normally when this happens it shows their hesitancy instead of how well they can inhale. So he said he needed more Bufo and I already packed mine so I gave him some. I tried to finish the last of it and I could see there wasn’t much change in me. So I went ahead and packed a little more and finally I stopped short because again it just didn’t seem like my guest was actually in the experience because I wasn’t being allowed to go far. So I’m trying to get him more relaxed. I can see all his tension his body is storing. And hanging out with him lately.. many times when he’s not in his own space he’s at the edge of the socializing and almost ready to have a straight line to the exit. I was joking with him before we even started. He told me he’s fine and there’s nothing to worry about. He’s relaxed and he’s not on the verge of running away. Well let’s just say the beginning of the ceremony he was threatening to leave. Geesh! I was trying to get him to open up his body and relax... Again I think I’ve just got so much history with him that it was easier for me to be absolutely real with him. He didn’t want to do it but he was struggling with himself and telling me that he knows. I said what do you know? That you don’t know how to relax? he said he knows… he kept repeating it. And then I said oh right I guess the universe is interested in exploring itself to get to know it’s self. It’s been doing this for all eternity but you know it all already. That’s pretty crazy, isn’t it. And then he starting saying that he doesn’t really know it all. And I said thats how the universe sees it… it’s wanting to explore not to know. Once we know the exploring is stunted. The more we know the more we’re stuck and when changes are being orchestrated all around while we’re trying to remain permanently stuck… well that can cause a lot of suffering possibly. He’s got a history and granted I know it’s been challenging, but in our own unique way everyone does… and we’re working that toxicity out of us so we’re not carrying this pattern around… the universe is exploring itself to make changes not to stay cemented in one moment. Isn’t that what we all say… change is inevitable. Well I pretty much was telling him that there’s nothing that can be done if he’s going to be fighting this. He admitted that he wasn’t ready for this. He told me that he told me he wasn’t ready. I asked him when did he say he wasn’t ready? The first time we shared ceremony he asked me for more. I even asked him why did he ask for more before we started. I wanted to hear from him what his experience was like the first time. This is where I wasn’t observant and was hoping for a different result. Again I feel amazing during Bufo… the ceremony was amazing last night and I wanted to experience that with him. But when he said the first time he was getting messages bringing up his trauma. He asked for more so he can see if there was more depth. Well I didn’t share more with him that night because really I wanted to have a solo session with him where he can go deeper. That group dynamic wasn’t quite right and definitely just an introduction. This was our first attempt at going for it. Honestly we did, but not in the way to be predicted. I didn’t know the way to get him to purge about his trama was actually the way it played out in ceremony. Again he was threatening to leave and also asking me to not get too close to him. He has a history of violence and it was a warning for my safety. I heard him and backed off and it was killing me that he got to that extent and I wanted to comfort him so much. It took awhile to get the chance to comfort each other. Once we settled down, we acknowledged we’re not here to argue and for the most part we are agreeing. But we were definitely triggered. I couldn’t believe this was how ceremony was going to go… and I even was saying that during and I was apologizing that it’s going down this way. We’ve been developing our maturity and communication, so we were able to redirect the conversation more constructively. I kept repeating to him that this is the way I’d like to have conversations where we’re talking about real shit… the real work shit than how are conversations have been going lately. Majority of the time when we are together he’s is the talker 90% of the time. It’s not like there’s much silence opportunities. It’s one thought to the next to the next. There’s not a whole lot of back and forth communication and responses. I told him I’ve been trying to give him hints a few times to get him to allow some space for others to talk and maybe be more curious about others too. They would get opportunities to share. Majority of the time he’s repeating stories and seems like there’s a resistance to silence or some word I’m trying to explain it. I’ve ran into many people that are similar in a way. Continuously I have to acknowledge I have these tendencies to a degree so I can relate. But we have each other to learn from. And he’s an amazing guy to be around, but also can be very tasking. I wish it wasn’t so, but honestly it can be. There are things that are getting in his way. Again I’m sure I have my own things that are getting in my way too. I had to remind him that he is very wise, but we have to remember that what advice we’re giving to others we are talking to ourselves to learn more into this wisdom too. We had a really deep and amazing ceremony even though it was in a tough love type of way… we started like a lion and ended like lambs. I think he’s going to be heading to his dads here at the end of the week and I’m helping a little bit here and there so we’ll have more opportunities to have conversations which from now on should be a deeper base level. Not only was ceremony really impactful… I had went to frisbee golf and ran into some really cool guys. There’s one guy who I really enjoy our conversations even though they’ve been very few and far between. But we friended each other on FB, so we can go to other golf locations together sometime and hang. I’m really interested in getting to know him more. I ended up going to my neighbors fire to meet a couple he knew from Indy. My neighbor thought we would mesh well with one another… and he was right and it was really cool! The guy happened to live in a very small town that most people wouldn’t know where it was located. But I happened to have a college friend who is from there and one winter I went and spent the weekend in that same tiny town. We shared a little bit about ourselves. My neighbor and I are getting to know each other and he asked me when I was going back to Peru. I told him I’m going, but I’m not exactly sure when. I’ve been working it out so I have a ticket in and not having a ticket out. I want to be able to feel my way around the area before making a decision who long I’m staying there or not. I guess I’m supposed to be talking to people here in Indiana as of now and see where that goes. I said the universe wants to show me things I’m not expecting so I’m trying to be patient. I have a direction but that path isn’t a straight road. No matter how much I think it should be a straight line… the honest reality it’s going to snake it’s way there and I’m going to be enjoying that much more. I’m trying to not take for granted who and where I’m engaging. I’m interested in them because for some reason we all attracted each other to experience what we are. So I’m going to ask a bit of questions here so I can see if there’s conversations to be had. I told them a bit about myself being a shaman and I found out the the girl has a brother who is a shaman too. He works with native Americans and indigenous in the jungles of Mexico. I mean her brother just bought an excavator for crying out loud… lol… she was getting a bit eerie about it but not in the too creepy way. I guess in a few weeks he and his wife and kids will be driving to the Dakota’s for a moon festival. Which I found really cool. But I think everyone enjoyed themselves. I didn’t friend them right then, but I’ll get the information when I see my neighbor next. Let’s say there’s more windows of opportunity that I see that are available possibly and it gets me excited. I’ve been trying to doing the hunting or in the search for a fit and it seems when I make the first approach of asking… say learn how to operate an excavator it seems like I wasn’t finding the fit that seems to make feel like we’re aligned… but I don’t know about this girl’s brother… that actually seems a lot more appealing than anything I’ve ran into. Her brother is located in North Carolina. I think he’s about to do similar work and I guess the way I’m talking is similar. So yeah… I think I definitely want to reach out and say hello. But yeah… there seems to be something happening right now. I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I plan on going to a new frisbee golf course to try out because I’m going to got to the drumming class. I think the group that met up on Saturday may all join back together in Muncie tomorrow… so sweet! ok.. that’s good for tonight. Until next time.

Hey wait!!! I just noticed that I now have the option to upload a file… lol… sweet! I guess… I’m going to post a few pieces of art I’ve been working on. I have these visions that I cannot stop thinking about and so I’ve started drawing and painting… so there’s a process I’m going through… I guess I’m in works of creating my next shamanic yantra. It’s not finished yet, but I can still post what I’ve got so far. I guess I want to explain that I’m trying to approach my style of art in a new way… I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well… but I’ve been doing art for a minute and I’ve got kind of a routine or structure that I’m comfortable with… mostly planning it out and using visual guides… I’m trying to break away from that. I’m trying to figure out how to draw visions I have from memory… I’m not sure exactly what my process will be to do that, but I am trying to start deliberately working it out… and I guess this is a start to it. (EDITED: I decided to just post the third and fourth instead of all four because limitations) Ummmm… I guess I’ll start out with what I started drawing first. I’ve purging my material possessions and that includes many of the art supplies I had. One day I was in the garage going through things and I ended up salvaging paper from an older photo album. I didn’t keep a lot of art paper so I thought well these are nice large blank sheets… maybe I can draw something… hehe… and that what I did… this one actually isn’t finished either… almost but I’m not going to finish it… it was like the first step in my process. So here’s the sketch I started with. (Oh I haven’t been able to upload my stuff… I thought maybe it would insert into the text… Any way I think it will be in the order of how I upload it. The next is a painting I started because I ran into a buddy of mine who’s been homeless for a minute now. He’s back in our hometown but he still prefers to live outside without walls now… but anyway he paints all the time and so I grabbed a canvas that I thought I could paint over and went to hangout. I didn’t know where it was going to go… but eventually once I got started… i knew where it was going… but it’s a part of my visions that I don’t talk about as much… just because it’s more unusual than my others… so I’m still feeling my way on the appropriate time to talk about it… when people are more open to the ideo of it. Anyway… I am not forgetting about it… well in a way I was forgetting about it… but when I was in creative mode… I was reminding myself to not forget… hehe… so that’s the second piece The third piece started pounding in my mind to try… kind of another drawing i was doing for my friend last year… what came first the chicken or the egg…. But anyway consciousness creating form into existence and then the created form being conscious of the ability to create (lol… oops… ok there’s a limit of MB to be able to upload to the post itself. I thought maybe each photo… lol). So I’ll go ahead and post the last two pics on the next post. The final one is again a work in progress… this will most likely become my shamanic yantra… honestly it might still be part of the process… this is a larger piece and I’ve got another canvas the same size that I’m willing to paint over too… so maybe I still have something I haven’t clicked into place where I’m trying to take this… this is a collaboration of the first three. (Edited: I tried to upload the last two on the next post and wasn’t successful… so actually came back to remove the first two photos to insert the third and forth pieces.)

Wow… so my confidence is almost restored in sharing ceremony.. hehe… I finally had a guest over where we were able to go quite deep into the essence of the Bufo ceremony that we can hold. So… I’ve been talking to a few people this time round returning to Indiana… last time I was here I was all about sharing ceremony. This time I was a bit more reluctant for many reasons. I have been I guess screening people more before entering into ceremony with them. This morning I went to play frisbee golf with this gentleman along with his son. His son is diagnosed on the spectrum of autism. He was adorable even though he was getting impatient on us playing the game. He thought he wasn’t good at the game, so he stopped trying and was strolling along while we were throwing. Anyway we threw a few holes and I enjoyed myself. I was planning on going to a drum circle with a new friend but it was cancelled last minute. But the friend I was playing golf with ended up admitting in a text that he really wants to experience ceremony with me. I told him I’m looking forward to it as well. He has to go to Ohio to work for the week so I knew he would have to get up and leave by 3am… so I offered him to join my today but late afternoon early evening instead of at night which I usually enjoy more. I had already been thinking about introducing my style of ceremony during the day with the different substances to try to create the environment as a bit more easy to experience with less fear. I’ve been learning that I’m not going to find someone who approaches this style of spirituality in the manner I have chosen… So trying to figure out what’s going to be the more approachable way to introduce others to ceremony. So I said lets share Bufo… so he dropped off his kids and arrived at my place. I welcomed him in and lead him into my bedroom where I’ve setup for ceremony. I’ve got like two queen sized mattresses butted next to each other to create a very large and comfy space and I have ton of pillows to again help make them comfortable. He started to nervously chuckle and said… ok so how does this go? I’m actually getting nervous now. I chuckled and said there is nothing to be nervous about, but I know you won’t understand until he experiences it. So I started with how I love Bufo and why I feel it’s a great introduction into ceremony. He knows I’m trying to prepare guests for Aya. That’s why he came to me in the first place is to go to an Aya retreat. I’ve been talking with him since around November. He was referred by a mutual friend who I knew when I was going to school. The mutual friend and I haven’t actually spoken in many years… he just happened to run across some of my videos I was posting when I was in Peru last. So he knew what I’m trying to share to this group of people who happen to be connected to me. I said Bufo for me… and how I’m hoping guests can experience is the taste of Enlightenment. At least get a glimpse and hopefully gets them motivated to be aspiring towards Awakening. Now I’ve already been talking to him about this… but I said its not a normal psychedelic that he’s had before but maybe he can understand that those cool and unusual experiences in those psychedelic states can be deciphered to obtain this state as the base consciousness level. I know there’s a little bit of a lost in translation thing going on, but I feel he knows how to read between the lines… or at least there’s something I’m unable to tell him. And after our Bufo ceremony he absolutely understands what I was trying to say… I cannot tell you what and how you’re going to experience… but it’s amazing and I’m excited to share it with him. There was a lot more that I went into… some questions he asked I answered. I started to show him how to prepare space and our vessels before going in. I explained everything that popped into the experience to talk about. The most important part was to explain how to take in the hit. Hehe… he admitted after our first round that one of his thoughts was… I hope I do this right so she doesn’t get upset… lol… he also mentioned that it was getting hard for him to continue to light while he was trying to inhale. So I went ahead and lit it the second time so he didn’t have to worry about it. Any who… the first attempt… I watched him taking it in… I did notice that he wasn’t really rotating the flame to try to hit the Bufo chunks at different angles… I didn’t see the swirling smoke inside the pipe when he was lighting it. I just observed though and didn’t mention it to him. I went ahead and went afterwards and I noticed that I didn’t actually take the full amount I normally do… that’s happened before and usually that’s a sign someone hasn’t actually gone deep. So I was observing him and seeing how he was responding. He did automatically laid down… he was quiet but there was a little bit of movement in his body… as if he was adjusting the weight more evenly as he was laying down. He started busting out laughing…again I was just watching… I wasn’t really called to do too much. His first experience he was trying to talk about the experience very quickly maybe less than 10 minutes… and as he was talking it was great what he was saying but there was something in me saying… he can go deeper… he didn’t go all the way in. I did eventually tell him that and we both agreed that mostly because this was the first time so he was a bit hesitant. He also admitted that there was a darkness that surrounded him and he felt himself wanting to resist or even fight it… but he said he could hear me coaching him to relax and breathe… he focused on his breath and started hearing the music and he stopped wanting to fight and he said it started to finally fill him up. So he said he could see how someone could fight and get a different experience. He could feel an intensity rising in him when he was in that moment of struggle and he said if he allowed to go into that darkness how someone can experience a nightmare. I told him different stories of guests I’ve shared this with. I try to give him a wide spectrum of possibilities. What he mentioned a lot from both sessions was how all the stress from his kids, his separation with his wife, his parents… all of it disappeared. I asked him if he knew what that meant to him. He couldn’t put it into words and said he wasn’t sure but at the same time he had clarity but it didn’t seem to be in word form… which was great. I was trying to get him into the introspection and integration… so asking questions after the ceremony but not much time after the essence is fading… even when it’s there and fading. Trying to get him used to the process. Yes these experiences are amazing… but what about it felt so powerful… we don’t have to know right now… but hopefully it’s giving a memory of something we are becoming. And what you’re working towards. He laughed and said he’s all in now… hehe. There was a moment where I was close to him and he cradled me into a hug and his hands were roaming a bit… He had apologized for doing so and he said I think I even caressed your breast and he continued to apologize. I told him that everything is fine. He might not be getting messages in this atmosphere yet, but he will… but when he was doing that I was getting my own messages. I had to tell him my reservations into sharing ceremony right now because of what i went through last time with my shaman and in the dieta. I’ve already went into detail here in the Journal so I’m not going to do it again… but anyway… I wanted to be more grounded and confident that I didn’t want to engage in those activities with my guest. There’s really only one person I want to share that type of experience with. To me he wasn’t being aggressive and I know the feeling Bufo has on many of us and so I didn’t find it unusual… but I had no intention on letting it go far… a little caressing wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t want to turn the session into something sexual and it wasn’t… maybe a little for him, but I felt myself more grounded in my intentions that nothing went through my mind that I was going to give into his energy. Plus I’m not offended but reminded him that I’m not interested in sharing that type of experience with him. Lol… after the second session and as we were talking he mentioned again that if I ever want to share sex while using Bufo that he’s up for it. I laughed again and said there is one man that I think of to share that experience with. In fact the first time I tried Bufo almost three years ago… he popped into my mind because I thought holy shit he would be the one I’d love to share Bufo with… lol… and i told him… I don’t even know if I can get that man to share Bufo with me… he’s very stubborn. I said I enjoy a challenge, but damn… i didn’t know I was attracting this much of a challenge… hehe…. Anyway… hopefully our spark can reach these levels and beyond without Bufo… but that time is not now. So after our first session and talking I said to him he can go in deeper. He has a better idea of what to expect and to surrender even more. Hopefully he doesn’t have any hesitation or feeling of fight or resistance. And after the second ceremony he said that it was completely different going in with complete surrender. He thought he enjoyed the first time but didn’t know it could feel and go in this direction. He definitely knew that he went in deeper the second time, and I knew that as well. I’m not sure what it is, but even the way we inhale I can get an idea if we’ve gone in deeper. Again when I was lighting it for him I was rotating the flame and there was the rolling and billowing smoke and it was more consistent. If it’s just thin sheets of Bufo, that’s not necessary, but when they’re in chunks it seems to help heat the outside until we break into the inside. I knew with the amount of smoke and how much he was able to hold that he had a very good hit. I also was able to take a deeper hit, but honestly I stopped myself short than I usually do… I went in deep with him, but maybe I don’t need larger amounts anymore… I’m not sure just an observation. The second time he laid down instantly again… he was much more still… I laid down and was observing him as well… eventually he was moving around and I found myself telling him everything is alright…. He’s alright… relax everything is just fine… in my head I was afraid he was getting overwhelmed with the sensation and the extreme shift in consciousness… I had already talked to him getting into spiritual work and enlightenment…. Is not necessarily easy… there’s a base line that we’re trying to creep up and introduce us to knowledge or understanding… in ceremony it jumps… so I wasn’t sure if he was getting a bit overwhelmed by it. He cradled me in again and I rolled on top of him and we were holding each other and hugging him. It was a point of merging is how I can describe it… right things of the ousted world seems to be melting and our physical bodies are melting together too. I started working on him but also cradling him… in between a few of my messages to him I’d remind him he’s doing so well and everything is fine. I realized how deep he allowed the session to go and I thanked him, because this is how I would love for ceremonies to be. He got a first hand experience to what I try to explain to him. He wondered why it had taken me so long to share with him… and then why I wasn’t just sharing it with everyone who is interested. He’s a recovering addict and he’s now helping addicts to recover now. And I was trying to explain that not everyone is ready… and I don’t really want to spend my time and energy and effort on people who aren’t really ready. I’ve got aspiration of my own. I know I”m going to be working with people in ceremony, but I know I’m not going to be working with everyone… in a human sense… hehe… any way… he saw what I meant just by the difference we had in his two sessions. I told him… most sessions are like what he had the first time… many people have a barrier up and we can only go so far. The second time he let the barrier down and there was a different outcome and I was able to work on his consciousness a little bit myself because he was more open to it. I told him I’m always hoping sessions go this deep… most of them aren’t. I’m not sure if this is accurate or makes sense… but I was trying to explain to him… that as a shaman sharing ceremony I’m there for my guests. I can go as far as you let me go. I told you… I knew you didn’t completely surrender and suggested we go again. This time was different… the only difference… was him… and his ability to trust in this process. He also was talking about groups and something came up for me to tell him another comparison… I try to explain the collective influence. Again it’s not this black and white but I’m trying to express in a dramatic way to get a better idea. So when I’m in a group session…. As a group we’re going as far as the least conscious member of our group. Granted its more elevated then their base level… but I explained to him… most likely we wouldn’t have gone as deep as we would have if there was someone else with us in ceremony. When it’s a one on one situation… I’m not trying to inflate my abilities… but in most situations… I’m not going to be the one resisting the process… in fact I’m learning to ground so there’s more balance… but when I go I want to go and it’s a bit more challenging for me to return. But I can feel the difference in me because I am getting better at grounding myself while in ceremony. The most thing I wanted him to understand…. I asked him, what words could I have used to explain this experience? He laughed and said there was no way to explain it and prepare him… he said I did a good job but still my explanations were nothing to the actual experience. And I wanted him to really digest that… that is a crucial key to remember. Even when I’m saying this is a taste of what Enlightenment and Awakening is… but honestly… it’s not what you think it is until we actually go through it. So even though I say this shows you what that state is… it is in a way, but it isn’t though too. Plus the base line at an Awaken state isn’t as intense… it becomes your norm… which I think he gets in theory… but what I say today… I’m excited for him. He’s really anxious to try Aya out…. He’s asked me when I plan on going back and I’m trying to explain to him that I’m trying to attract things into my life and I’m not putting a timeline on that. There’s a lot more to my life then going back to drink Aya… even though it’s phenomenal and I want to return… integration and manifestation and attraction is important to me… and I’m a lot more relaxed in my approach. Now I had to remind him that I wasn’t like that when I got my glimpses… I had a fire under me and I was wanting to go… and so if that’s where he’s at then I understand, but that’s just now where I’m at right now… but I also know that’s in me… so when I get that fire under me again… I’m going to go, but in a more clam and grounded manner. So I’m going to be looking into a retreat that a friend of mine is involved with right now. He has been a facilitator for ten of my ceremonies… right when I was beginning and I feel confident he would be an asset for anyone getting introduced into Aya. Now of course I’d love for him to just wait until I return but I also know I’m not going to be rushing out into the center to host guests for ceremony… hehe…. I’ve got dietas planned… I’ve got messages I want to explore and I’d like to be able to focus on my work a bit before I’m responsible for guests to join. Now I’m not sure how all the details will play out when it plays out, but that’s my thinking as of now. I might not be aligned with his pace… and to be honest… when I knew I was ready… I was ready and nothing was going to stop me. I still think he can do some more preparation before going… but again I don’t truly know what’s best for him… he’s the only authority who will know. And it’s not that he will know that what he’s trying out is what he’s supposed to do, but it’s the response to what he tries will tell him. As far as he knows… Bufo is something he would like to explore more into. I think I’ll be showing him DMT soon maybe. I mentioned that I might go ahead and introduce him to it during the daytime again… it’s quite different in the day in nature…. Much more approachable. I had to laugh because I told him the personality I had when I first did Aya… we were supposed to do the first two sessions in a maloca where light was allowed to come into space to get people more comfortable instead pitch black. Well after the first ceremony I asked to go to the pitch black because I could see how the blackness allowed for depth. Not everyone thinks this way… and I can understand that and why not approach it where they’re more comfortable… and then… when they’re ready to step it up a little more… let’s do it! So yeah wanted to come and write about it a bit… there were messages I were getting but this is a good chunk of it. Yesterday I went to a friend’s place for a drum circle. There were five of us… the host thought there were going to be closer to twenty… but honestly it was perfect! We were meshing well with our beats and ended up having amazing conversations. I’m going to a retreat on Tuesday where one of the guys lives and works. He builds drums and on Tuesday he hosts lessons for his drum troop. They had around seven shows last month… and I might have the opportunity to learn a bit of drumming in a structured way… not that structured… lol… just more than winging it. I might get a chance to do some freestyle dancing too… not sure how I’ll feel when I get there… I’m looking forward to it. I really enjoyed talking with this gentleman…. Very insightful! Ok… this is good for tonight. Until next time then

Ok Ive been contemplating and I think this would be good to write it out in the Journal. So I’ve been talking to these guys for awhile about ceremony. I know how seriously I have taken psychedelics but also how Ive been more on the conservative side with them. Even when I was younger participating in a recreational sense… I never had the inclination to try to dose large amounts… so some of the people ive been working with our friends and they tend to be that type to try to push psychedelics. So originally I was questioning if they’re actually ready to experience a different approach to psychedelics and ceremony. I thought that maybe they actually arent ready… but I also was thinking I am being very picky because I know that most arent approaching it the way I do… so why not at least give them a taste… so more casually then what i would do before. So I happened to be talking with one of the guys and took him to play disc golf for the first time. We were having good conversations and when we finished we walked out of the woods and found another guy ive been working with hanging out with his dog. He was about to take the dog out into the woods. Well it was mentioned that he and another guy who ive been working with would stop by later at the guy i was with later. At that moment I didn’t know if i was going to go. But I dropped him off and grabbed some dinner and I was thinking… well… maybe since they’ll all be together… maybe I can introduce them to Bufo. lol… actually Ive been playing this online game called Two Dots and been really enjoying it. There’s a few sections with different game categories… but it was the first time that I cleared an entire level and the trophy I was awarded was the Bufo Trophy… lol… that was just the night before meeting up with the guys… so there was already a seed planted about Bufo. So I thought… stop being so picky… when its a group its going to be more casual so go ahead and bring the supplies with me and see if the opportunity comes up. Well.. eventually it did… one of the guys had recently got changa and was asking about it. I told him honestly that changa can be made up of many combinations so I dont know what his experience will be with his. He seemed to be a little nervous about it and one of the guys asked him to go ahead and lets give it a try. Well that’s when I interjected and asked if its ok if I show them a little taste of how I do ceremony. I brought some supplies… now they already know about the trifecta… so I also reminded them that trifecta isn’t always guaranteed… but we can start with Bufo and see where it goes. I asked them if they were on anything. Two of them them had been smoking weed a little throughout the day and one of them has been trying to stop his addiction to opioids by using an alternative… sorry I cant remember what its called but I knew he would have that in his system but making sure nothing harsh was being used… and again I mention to them that ideally being clean of any other substance would be the way to approach ceremony, but I also told them what was going on in my mind about thinking that they only approach psychedelics in a more recreational way… and the combination of contemplation can really bring about a new approach to a familiar tool… eventhough it was there first time with Bufo. They were all hanging out and I started preparing. Normally when its a one on one I explain everything I’m doing, but I got up and started clearing out the space with some Paolo santos all over the room. I started to get the supplies for clearing out the sinuses. I asked them if they’ve used “hape” or actually “ra-pe”. They had not, but one said he’s seen people use it online. So I had to restate that actually I’m prepping people to get an idea of how to prepare for Aya. So when they go, this would be common practices… so I had them blow their nose… I saw them prep in three ways… one was really following my instruction. One was more hesitant and was questioning what I was asking for. And one in the middle. When it came to sniffing it in the nostrils two of them were pretty good… and the one who was hesitant ended up not placing the kuripe inside the nostril and blew it into his eye instead… lol… and believe me I gave him a demonstration and he was the last one to do it so he saw three people do it before he went. So I ended up helping him blow it into his system. Explaining that we want things to drain through the system and we’re going to go ahead and spit out the mucus. When you start spitting up brown then its gone through the system but continue to let it drain… we want to not have to worry about spitting when we go in. Now I also normally have Sananga for clearing out our eyes, but mine has expired because normally theres an intense to semi-intense experience. when I was doing my solo sessions I couldn’t feel it working. I still put it in my eyes, but I didn’t bring it for them because they weren’t going to fully get the benefits, but I explained that is part of the preparation. Trying to prepare the body as much as possible to receive ceremony. I go through the process of how to burn and also inhale. I know they are experienced in this type of process, but I also know I’ve seen people rush the process too. Actually during the ceremony I had to explain it again because when I watched them light it up… they could do it a little more effectively… hehe… I was explaining to them that this could be a very sensual process for ceremony. Think of this as your lover… you want to get a very deep connection together so take our time. I asked if they happen to see how I was taking it and only the one who was hesitant said he noticed… he wasn’t fully getting a hit.. hehe… which was obvious to me that he wasn’t going to because of how he was hitting it. Anyway I told them them that you want every piece of her to be enjoyed… so there’s no rush. I told them also that what I have are more chunks instead of thin sheets so it’s going to burn differently. When it’s pieces that are thin sheets then it lights up quickly… instantly… but when it’s chunks it takes some time to get it to burn… not like a whole lot of time but in comparison. So I light the Bufo and I’m not instantly inhaling…. I’m watching her getting hot and smoking up and then I’ll take a sip of her… and I’ll continue to light her fire and she’ll continue to smoke and I’ll continue to sip. Now I love her essence so I’m holding in her essence through the whole process… and I want to savor it as long as I can before I exhale. For me… I am trying to get every piece of her essence into me so at the end when I’m running out of air and also getting to the end of her substance that’s when I really activate my extra reserve of inhalation to get it all in. I told them… by the end of the building up the burn experience we will be in. There will be no doubt that you are in. While they were lighting up I could tell there was questions in their faces and I said you haven’t taken enough… I even had to load two of them again… I believe they were trying to burn and inhale too hard and I think a lot of it was wasted. But when I share again… I’m hoping it’s going to be more of a one on one experience… I know they’ll want to take their time and now they saw there was nothing to be concerned with. They’ll just be more willing to go in deeper in our next sharing. The guy who was more hesitant I’ve actually known the longest in the human sense… hehe… he was in my same class and graduated with me. And I know he’s on the stubborn side which is fine but I also know he wasn’t going to get the full experience like I hoped. There’s more of a trust issue… it’s not necessarily that he doesn’t trust me, right… he doesn’t know if he can truly trust his decisions. He’s the one getting himself out of the addiction to opioids…. And he’s a recreational user… so I know if I was smoking something he’s done before… he knows he’d go all in, but with this he wasn’t sure. And I deal with this a lot when I’m with guests… hehe… I even lighted Bufo for him to try to assist him on the way to do it.. but he wasn’t really wanting to inhale it fully and did things that I asked him not to do… hehe… right we don’t want to inhale quickly but taking some sips when we see the smoke so we have a slower inhale or draw. He took it quickly which ended up not being held long and started to come out as soon as it went in… hehe… which is fine again it happens a lot. And I told him he needs more try to hold in what he still has and relax and we’ll try to go more… and I continued to try to get him to take it more fully but I could see that he didn’t want to. It’s not that he didn’t get a taste, but he didn’t get the full experience because after we were in and coming down… he was the first to come down and wanted more. I spoke to him that I’m not going to give him more this time…. In my mind I want him to hear how we were experiencing it compared to himself…. Not that it wasn’t great what he had experienced but he knows he could’ve gone deeper and fully and when he gets the next opportunity to share with me. He’ll be more ready and hopefully we can go in fully together. The middle man also admitted that he wasn’t as fully confident into going in and the next time he’ll be ready to go slower and I think they really liked the analogy of thinking Bufo as like a lover… and wanting t o get the most out of her but also taking our time. That’s all that I shared with them and again I’m trying to show them my approach. I’ve also tried to explain when its a one on one… I can focus on our shared energy and if I feel we can go deeper there can be opportunities to continue with each step. When its a group people are responding differently and I want us to be a shared experience as much as possible. In actuality… going to one on one ceremonies will get them more familiar and get their nervousness out that later we can do a group experience and then the shared experience will go deeper. Again Aya is where I want them to be able to be as receptive as possible and I know if we can trust and relax into these experiences… it will help to go deeper with Aya which we’ll share one day. So I allowed a day away from it… well actually my buddy who was the most hesitant needed a ride the next day….so I helped him with a ride and it was funny that he didn’t even bring it up. Something else I want to mention he’s a fellow artist… well all of them are, but he brought his watercolors to the ceremony and he ended up painting a Bufo toad during the ceremony and I have it now. I love it! The frog is so calm and peaceful and blissful! It is beautiful! But yesterday I got a hold of the buddy who I took disc golfing the other day for the first time. I asked him if he wanted to join me again for another round of the game so we can discuss his experience. So it was very hopeful when I heard him trying to explain his experience. What was really good was he had questions at some of the comments I had made during ceremony that he wanted clarification. He’s getting a better idea of language and words being subjective and to get a better understanding there needs to be a deeper conversation. There was a time I was telling them I have to play their games… but I will because I know that’s what I have to do to get you to experience something you don’t know exists. He was asking what I meant. And I understand if I say I have to play your games… it can be taken in many ways. Ultimately I told him what I’m trying to say is when I’m getting to know you and where you’re at… mostly I have to listen to all the trouble and shit that’s going on in your life. And the game I play in a way is allowing you to think that Reality is such a tough and hard thing…. Lol… when literally I do not think Reality is that way at all… hehe… I continued to get him to explain how he felt while Bufo was a part of his consciousness… how did you feel… did you think Reality was shit? Or did you feel blissful? And of course he said he loved it and while we were in ceremony I looked at him and said this is how you can feel at anytime… its to inspire us to grow our consciousness to feel this way. I am trying to explain that what he thinks is trouble and shit is judged at a level of consciousness which doesn’t see the beauty and intelligence that’s actually being experienced… when our level of consciousness increases… the trouble and shit may still be going on but its not a negative experience. It’s not effecting us in a negative manner. We will get a better understanding that it’s actually Universal perfection. But at every level of consciousness; its perfection… which is quite magical… but the more conscious we are the more we are perfection at whatever state we are in. I try to explain discernment but also whatever decisions we make there’s not a wrong choice…. That choice is all that we can make at our current state but something other consciousness is telling us we can make different choices… but that’s where the work comes into play. Are you hearing what to change but are we aware of how much we don’t want to do it even though that’s what’s the higher conscious level we’re working towards. I was telling him about “backsliding” and base levels of consciousness… I know he doesn’t understand everything I’m telling him, but I’m still going to plant seeds.. and I did suggest Actualized.org again to him… because he has many questions and Leo has done a brilliant job in his work so I know I dont really want to explain everything to him… if he’s really curious then he’ll do this on his own time. This guy I think… thinks he has a chance to share in a sexual experience with me. He said when he was in the ceremony he wanted to touch me and he said it would be dangerous for us to be alone together. I addressed it but I did it in an implied way and a bit subtle. I know if we share solo ceremonies we’ll have a much deeper conversation. He doesn’t realize that I don’t have the same feelings… lol… I’ve told him about the man I love but I haven’t gone into the details that he needs to hear. But I also know I’m more confident in myself that I actually want to put myself in that situation so I can see where I am truly at. I don’t want to be an unconscious or toxic healer of sexuality… it’s hard to explain, because I know if something happened between us it’s not toxic… but I’m not wanting to share those experiences with him. He thinks he can help me with my orgasm issue…hehe… and he doesn’t realize it’s not been the guys I’ve been with that was the issue… the issue was my mental issues. So i have an idea how I’d respond but in actuality I won’t really know my conscious base line until I get into that situation. Outside of ceremony I know my baseline… but when I’m in ceremony… I can be a less grounded and allow things to happen that I wouldn’t consider outside of ceremony. That’s another thing I had to explain was I am trying to explain not being grounded in ceremony. I admitted to him that there was a moment in ceremony where our shared experience became an eternal moment and it almost came to a point that this was what I was going to be experiencing from now on… but I am noticing I’m getting better at grounding because I had to remind myself and them that our outside Reality is going to be coming back and we’re back into our base line but hopefully there will be a memory of the potential. I know in ceremony I was almost to the point to just accept that the four of us were the only ones in existence and everything outside of our perception was not our experience… And yes there was a moment where I thought this is where I’ll be for eternity… but shortly after I was like… but I don’t want to spend eternity with them… lol… not that they aren’t great people but I want variety and honestly at this moment… there’s someone else I’d like to have there instead of them. But I was thinking if I would have a different opinion if I was with him for an eternal moment… and right now… I think variety would still be my choice but I think I could want to stay in our eternal moment longer and savor it more… lol… the first time I tried Bufo he was the first person I thought to share this with… hehe. I don’t even know if he’d entertain sharing Bufo with me, but damn… I think it would be absolutely phenomenal… lol… but anyway I also want to work on the point I don’t need Bufo to absolutely have a phenomenal time with him. But anyway… that’s what I’ll say for today. I think I’m going to get ahold of the middle man today to see what his experience was like in more detail. Oh I about forgot… I might’ve had an opportunity to attract a learning opportunity. I want to learn how to run an excavating equipment to do the dig in Peru… and another guy I’m working with happens to run an excavator with his job. I’m going to be setting up an interview with the bosses… lol… I haven’t had a formal interview in many many years… I usually talk to them casually and not in a formal setting… but I laugh because I know I’m going to be an unusual candidate. I’m going to be interviewing them as much as they will me.. if not more because I’m picky… lol. In fact because I know they’re involved with the industry I’m wanting to learn I’m going to be asking if they have personal side projects they’re working on… or network if they know anyone who would be a fit for how and who I am and what I’m trying to learn. Normally I’m sure they get people who are wanting to work 40 hours if not overtime to get money…. And that’s just not what I’m looking for. Now if the opportunity is exactly what I’m looking for then I’m willing to give those hours and attention… but I also know and they will know that its for a temporary period of time… and I’m trying to ground myself more so I don’t have to give all the details but they’re going to know that I have building projects in the jungle that I’m working on and that’s why I would love the opportunity to learn from them. Ok… that’s good enough for now. Until next time

Alright… man it’s been awhile. Again I remember this online Journal and I know it was very beneficial for me. I’ve actually been getting some people to start writing their own journals… not online but personally. I have been enjoying myself lately. Nothing big and exciting, but damn it’s so nice to just relax and chill and just see what differences I’m experiencing now. And it’s been amazing. Lol… if anyone sees or hears what I’ve been doing lately they don’t really know how I could be loving whaat I’ve been doing… but that’s the whole thing right… being able to find joy anywhere at anytime doing or just being whatever I choose to be at any moment. I feel readjusting my values helps me see where I’m focused and it’s been rewarding. I also try to mention values to people, but no one’s bit on that concept yet… hehe. So yeah my conversations are changing up a bit. I’m definitely feeling like I’m getting better at being patient and listening to where they are at and give a little bit of wisdom in words that i feel they understand. It’s great to find people who are opening up more on our conversations. It’s really nice. Granted not everyone but that’s where my discernment is kicking in. I”m just not spending much time or effort when people aren’t being receptive. It’s like I’m noticing when they’re not really listening.. hehe. I can see when they’re just in their heads and their listening to their thoughts instead of engaging in conversation. And how I’m not getting frustrated as much. So… there are people who are interested in sharing ceremony with me. I love ceremony so i know I’d like to share with others, but I know many aren’t really ready and so having conversations there’s a lot that can be gained by spending time and attention with them. I did end up sharing ceremony with one of the close friends I had growing up. I believe I’ve mentioned her before. I also asked if I could share our experiences together and she said it’s ok with her. She has been the first person where I could see that she was open to what I’m learning. I find myself chatting with her and I’ll even be saying out loud that I’m surprised at what I’m telling her. Sometimes I know I go too far and it’s over her head, but I think it’s good to plant seeds. She’s got serious curiosity. She thinks what she’s asking makes her sound stupid… and i have to reaffirm her that her questions don’t make her look stupid… they’re great questions even if they sound simple. Simple really goes deeper if she’s wanting to go deeper. But we shared a Bufo ceremony together. I had mentioned the trifecta and last time i was here… I wasn’t adding the third element in ceremony… so she started to get nervous. She knows she doesn’t need to be anxious, but she can’t help herself. I told her it’s normal and healthy… but I know in the middle of ceremony we’ll laugh out loud that we had to talk about possibly having a challenging time. Because she’s pretty natural in this state. She’s one of the ones who actually hasn’t gone into too much research with what I’m sharing her. I’m confident that she trusts me, and I continue to tell her that she wants me to share about my experiences, but her experiences are going to be different. But I feel it’s best to not have too much expectations going in. We didn’t even do the trifecta and I told her that is always the case as well. I don’t know how far we take each ceremony anyway…. Lol… but after ceremony a few days later… I finally got her full attention to ask how ceremony went for her. I mean I know what I experienced and she stayed the night with me. But the next morning was Father’s Day so she had her errands to run and then her daughter had her 21st birthday the following day. So she had some busy days… I tried to stop by the next day but she was taking a nap and so I waited. But she’s like how in the world can we explain it? I laughed with her… it’s not really anything we can explain. But we do enjoy expressing our experiences so we just have to have practice… this is a good time to start. I know we spoke during ceremony, but how would you describe your experience? She gets so excited when she tries to explain. Her hands shake and she feels her body vibrates… at first it was so powerful and intense… in fact she pulled the trash can closer to her as if she felt like she was going to throw up. I saw her doing this… I was finishing up my hit and as I was placing it down… I just whispered to her to relax…. Breathe… and she started to breathe and she went to sitting and then laid down. I remember smiling and saying… this is what life really is. In my mind I’m getting more hopeful that the people I’m sharing ceremony can experience nonduality. But also in a general sense I expect them to start laughing at themselves and at me and at all the people we know… everything as in fear, doubt, worries, and pain melts away…. And for this moment I anticipate people will just start laughing at all the bullshit we put ourselves in… lol… but that’s not what happened… but she was closing her eyes and breathing deliberately and slowly. To her at this time and other moments we’ve shared in ceremony she says…. It’s everywhere… it’s everywhere… I don’t know how to explain it but it’s everything. I chuckle and so do she… She realizes that doesn’t really explain anything but she doesn’t know how to describe it. She looks at me and asks me… do you know what I’m trying to say? Well… with my experience and knowing you…. I’m not sure but when I hear you say that and how you say it is that you are realizing that everything is a part of you. It’s going from being a spectator and looking at things that are separate from you which is over there… but then you realize… oh it’s not over there… it’s here and it’s a part of me and I’m a part of it…. Lol… am I close? And she’s like yeah… that’s how it feels. Now I want to go deeper with her about this… this is a very important insight but I want things to settle in for her… and also finding a time that we can be by ourselves again to really chat. But as I was thinking about this… this is a good way to explain to people the difference between recreational to intentional psychedelics. One of many but this one… intentional psychedelics can give you the experience of oneness which has many degrees. Yes she seemed to understand that there’s something connecting everything together. When she looks around the room she doesn’t see a space where it doesn’t exist. But I’m not sure she really connected that it’s too as well… I think she did but I want to make sure see gets planted with this fact… even if she doesn’t see it in herself.. I’m sure she can feel it. I might try I to go more into the fact that she is intimately involved with what she’s experiencing. And the more conscious part of her is creating this experience. That’s a good way to possibly explain Aya ceremonies too… she’s ultimately creating the experience so that’s why her experience is very personal. And so it’s easy to digest that she possibly could be creating a psychedelic experience, but ultimately that’s what’s going on at all times… but she won’t realize it at first but having that run in her mind in the background… it might get her to be more open. I’ve already been emphasizing the trick is to not know rather than to know. It’s easy to reference a friend of ours that we hangout with… its one of her neighbors. She confesses to me that it annoys her when he acts like he knows it all and it’s obvious to us that many of the things he says he knows.. he really doesn’t. And so it was an easy example to explain that he wants to know it all… since he knows it all then he’s not really as open to learn knew things. Granted we know things… but we can always know things at a deeper level… so if we’re more open to know we don’t know it all, then our learning can be accelerated. She’s got a good handle on what I’m trying to tell her, but I know she can only understand by what she’s experienced and reflected on. But again I’m around to help trigger her memory when she gets distracted… lol. There was a long moment in ceremony where we just stared into each others eyes… it was as if we were locked in… and I asked her if she remembers this and she said yes… I said that a way to explain this is we’re able to look at ourselves at a soul level we could say. I asked her if she was trying to describe who she was looking at? When I was looking at her… I wasn’t thinking of this is Desiree and this is the girl I’ve been close friends with since sixth grade. She has a daughter and on and on… I was looking at you who is me being able to observe ourselves in a really deep manner without all the backstory playing in our heads. She agreed and said there has been many points in ceremony where she seems to be able to look at me at the soul level. I tried to explain to her that not all the people I share ceremony can see each other at that level. I tried to explain that I have a rememberance of the soul level when I speak to people. Again… lol… sometimes I’m waiting for everyone to start breaking down laughing realizing that we are playing out this story we don’t know each other… but we are ancient and infinite friends… lol… so do we really have to play this game out? But it’s not like it’s not fun to play this game out.. but really… really we know each other at a soul level…. Lol.. anyway I told her… even though I’m aware of this… I have to play out the game to see where they are in the game, right. If they’re on the level of strangers and having all these problems they have to get a handle on… I’ll play it out. And honestly I’m getting better at playing this game out. I think I’m better at playing along but also seeding a few things for things to get their minds curious enough to explore more. She knows that I like to give examples… and she also knows that many times I’m giving examples to explain what I’m seeing in her experience… but also it’s helping me learn at a deeper level for myself too. She’s very observant and bright… she just doesn’t have that confidence in her and that was her main message. First of all she asked… what do you actually mean when you say you get messages. I said… do you have any moments when you’re in ceremony and your mind tells you something to notice or understand? She said well I think my message was “to focus on myself”… and i chuckled again… that’s an amazing message and I was getting that for you too. I remember telling you that in ceremony and I remember when she said yes… focus on me… it wasn’t as if she heard me saying it… but she was saying as if… yeah that’s what I was just getting it and you were able to say it out loud and it helped me understand this is important for me to remember and feel. I told her during ceremony that she just needs to relax and be patient… her mind needs to slowly adjust to the changes. But there’s not a manual to tell her what she needs to do to focus on herself. She said she understood… I told her spiritual work is challenging because she’s got to try many new things and there’s no guarantee that it’s going to be a fit for us… but going through that process we get more discerning… and also as we mature… our process will mature with us. The thing with her… she is a recovering addict… so she knows the tough choices she had to make to get her out of her addiction. And I told her… there’s going to be tough choices ahead of her still… if she really wants to focus on her spirituality. She’s a people pleaser and I know exactly how that is and the challenges I’ve had to face and overcome to see where I am wholistically before I go to help people right now. I know a few suggestions I have for her, but I’m not sure if I’m going to tell her… maybe in passing if she wants some suggestions. I have already told her she’s the authority of her life… so i might keep it that way unless she wants some specific suggestions. That’s another thing I want to mention… when she asked me what I meant by receiving messages… I though that was a great question… because to me it’s very obvious… but after she asked me… I realized how someone won’t understand unless they’ve had it themselves. So yes… in my experience I’m not having someone else coming to me in ceremony and telling me messages… again it’s always felt like it was myself but I guess my higher consciousness self giving me messages… and I know now that my state of consciousness will interpret and understand it in the way and manner I could at that point. And I know when I go back to my messages I can see something that I missed the first time. But it was good for me to get better at explaining to people when I know the areas that aren’t really clear. I can put it a bit clearer for people… the best I can… hehe. There has been a few times where I’ve heard an actual voice that did seem it was something “other” than me… so again… in these states I’m interpreting them as other… I still seem to enjoy feeling there’s an alternate version of me who wants to guide me. Because… when I heard these voices… it was shocking and jarred me… because again it was as if I heard them through the ears not through the mind like as if I’m having conversations in my dreams lets say… they hearing is mental hearing but not filtering through my ears mostly.. but when they filtered through my ears… it really does seem more significant and strange. I don’t think I’ve told her all the ways I’ve received messages… so yeah I guess this is helping me figure out opportunities to go deeper with her if we can find the time.d. Of course… once we get together it’s much better to go with the flow and natural… so maybe it’s not just for her and me why I’m writing it out. But yeah… in my hometown I’m running into some interesting characters… and i”m really enjoying myself. I’m finding myself more open for spontaneous attractions as well… so I knew I wanted to get out and explore more. I went to the wastewater plant in town and I thought it was cool… I had already heard about the process but to see it and get it explained by an enthusiastic employee was very awesome. I know that triggers community designs and gets me wanting to ask more questions and see the other styles of how other communities do it. Just one example our little town the sewer and rainwater is combined. He mentioned this so then I figured there’s other systems where they are separate…so I’d like to see what the differences are. It was pretty funny too because they updated their system about seven years ago… so there were plants and trees growing in their older buildings and since I studied a bit about Earthships and I love the way the recycle water… I asked if they’re using the plants to help filter too… and he laughed… no we just aren’t clearing out the older spaces as often as we should. That’s when we used sand to filter out… and so I asked him what the differences to the update and the changes they made. That was near the final when they used to put chemicals into the water and then used the sand to do the final filteration… they use the ultraviolet lights now as the final step to sterilize the water before placed back into the creek. I also would like to know more about the activated sludge that’s created…. we went into the lab, but he’s not part of the lab so he just explained the basics and we saw a chart of the microorganisms that can be or is part of the activated sludge. But I believe they have farmers come and pick it up to make fertilizer. I wonder if I can get the company name again… he named a specific company that’s not too far from our town who takes the majority of the sludge… if I could do a little field trip there too… it would be fun… there’s a few things popping up all over the place that’s drawing my attention…. So I’m not sure who and what I’m going to bump into… but yeah… life is good… until next time

Well hello again… I’m not forgetting my Journal, but I am trying to just be a little more. It’s been quite nice actually… I guess I can thank my dad again for this. I have been able to just be whom I want to be with him… he already does this as well… and I know I’ve said this but I thought he was looking to be happier, but he is already as happy as he wants to be… mostly because of his freedom. I’m still reviewing over my values each day… in fact I’ve already written out the definitions mostly by memory…. So I’m getting there. But this has helped me relax and just enjoy myself more in everything I’m involved in. I think I’m going to go ahead and write them again… using my memory of the definition. Spirituality: Personal transformation of consciousness to deepen understanding of unconditional love and infinite possibilities to be in unison with Universal authenticity. Right now this is more of a background system in my experience… this is constantly being a factor and mostly on the basis of unconditional love… As I watch my decisions I’m not judging myself but seeing how there is a part of me that wants to judge my actions or more of my inactions of expectations that i had placed on myself before. Just in general I’ve been very strict on myself the last five years and I’m finding that I want to break this habit of strictness…. The other value of playfulness is also assisting me at this time. Freedom: Personal authority to be instinctively myself at any given moment and available for Infinite Intelligence’s spontaneous attractions. This is more consciously in my for front lately… just really deciding almost moment by moment my actions depending on how I feel. And I’ve been allowing spontaneity in… I‘ve been more involved with my dad’s daily existence in his environment… so I’ve been taking the rounds with him to notice the progress of his fruit trees and plants. Help mow and found a ton of wild strawberries… and his strawberry patch is producing mature strawberries which are delicious. Unfortunately his bees did not make it through the winter… he had it out still to try to draw in possibly a new colony of bees, but it was attracting a large group of ants… so he wanted to go ahead and process the honey and the beeswax and pretty much start from scratch… he’s not going to move forward this summer but he’s preparing for another family of bees to come for next year. So we’ve never processed honey or beeswax before… lol.. without running water it’s been interesting and sticky… lol… but we’ve figured it out. I know he wants to ask me what to do as if I’ve had experience… i told him we can use Youtube and then just adjust as we see fit. I also found myself walking around town… I’ve been looking for some woods… the value of Nature has definitely been pulling to me and I knew I was going to find something I’m looking for and I finally found it. I had a friend ask if I wanted to play frisbee golf with him… and I had played once before years ago… but I joined him and it was the perfect spot that I’ve been looking for… it’s in the woods and there is 27 holes… it’s really been fun! I’ve been going almost everyday for a week now… sometimes twice a day… i just really enjoy being in the woods… we have a little creek that runs through town and through the course…so the noise of everything really satisfies me. I’ve been running into some old friends who also play and new people of interest… so it’s been nice.. I’ve been promoting to people as I visit different stores to see if the general public of the town knows this forest exists for the public to enjoy since there aren’t any other spots like this unless they have it on their private land. Consciousness: Intuitive acceptance and patient observing of personal and collective phenomena of the awe-inspiring perfection of Existence. These are all just working seamlessly together right now… having these in my awareness…a new hopefully programmed into my subconsciousness… I can really see a different approach to experiencing and this is definitely what I’ve been looking to change… I just didn’t know what it was exactly. But just like how I enjoy village life of people just enjoying themselves alone and with the community without having to feel an obligation to external pressures… I’ve been finding that here in my small hometown too. I’ve found people who are leading towards this style of living too which makes sense to me… and I also am speaking to people who are struggling with the external pressure…which I can definitely relate to.. and so it’s been beneficial for both of us to attract each other to have these conversation. Wellness: Optimal discerning open mind, sensuous fit body, and trustful spirit to be capable to engage completely and harmoniously with Consciousness. Keeping an open mind for me… has me think and explore different opportunities to share with others and even by myself… but the discernment comes to play almost spontaneously in a moment of decision… so the ideas float there as options…. Let’s say specifically with socializing… and then the discernment usually has me approaching differently based upon my current conversations with them. And then there are other times… where I think I’m not going to be expressing as much as I end up sharing because of the receptivity of some which I didn’t expect. This frisbee golf course is pretty hilly and it’s been giving me a really good work out. So I was sore after the first day but I just continue to go and walk it out and stretch a bit at home before and after… until my soreness works itself out… there’s been about two days now that I didn’t wake up sore so that’s a good sign. The trustful spirit is also trying to push itself into the forefront as well… I have to say I still am thinking of options I have… and really there’s no right or wrong option… so I just keep being patient with myself and allowing my spirit to be lead where it wants to right now… if that means just staying still or getting ready to move… either way… it’s what it is and I’ll be looking forward to what comes out of each day. Nature: sensuous stimulating experiences with various energies when aware of symbiotic relationships of the Universe which is beautiful, powerful and fulfilling. Oh man the woods have been huge for me. Again the sounds in the woods just really seem healing or enjoyable… the sounds of the wind blowing the leaves and plants… the dancing of the plants and trees with the wind… the sounds of the water… and sight of cottonwood floating and hovering in the wind and landing on the water and have it’s rhythm change now flowing with the current. The birds, squirrels and the bunnies everywhere… and actually not just in the forest I’ve been spotting them in different locations as I’m walking around town. But I love spotting them. I spotted a little frog and got a video of him… I’ve heard a few of them around the creek but only see there after ripple of them jumping in… but this little guy was away from the water and I happen to see his movement when playing. I explore a bit to see what it was… and there was this little frog covered in cottonwood so blended right in to the ground. I took a video of him and he wiped off the cottonwood on his face so i could get a better look at his beauty… hehe… he was pretty cute. The course was actually built on the old landfill… so if there wasn’t so many shattered glass everywhere… it would be nice to walk around barefoot but I do that a little around the house. But I have been noticing just the interactions with human nature too. It’s been very fulfilling to find conversations with people who are really close to my definition of the value of Family. Again everything is flowing quite nicely together… And I’m thankful I took the time to review my Values to change my mindset or upgrade it really to where I’m at now and what I’m attracting into my experience. Learning: Process for curiosity to explore, discover, and significantly integrate new or deepening insights and experiences to contribute to inclusive applications. Lol… learning to accept how much my self wants to relax, rest and have meaningful conversations… I’m not even sure if meaningful conversations is accurate… but just the joy of having more relaxed conversations and wherever that leads has been enjoyable. I know I’ve always enjoyed talking to most of the people I spend time with here in Indiana… and it’s funny when I hear someone say or refer to themselves as from this small town or from this state as if its unexpected to be spiritually progressive… and it’s makes me chuckle because I have found that to be true for awhile now… but honestly we’re found everywhere… and I’m loving the opportunities to attract them into my experience. I’m also still having running conversations about ceremony with guests… they’ve been vastly different in approach… well all I know I”m vastly different with it comes to patience and discernment… so I’m continue to prepare myself. I know that when I was sharing ceremony in the past I usually had to evolve from people and environment… so I know that’s the case this time around too… and so I”m trying to stay open to approach in ways that I’m not used to doing.. but also I know I’ve tried many things already and found things that just don’t work as well as others… so being honest with my recommendations but also having people collaborate in how to setup the ceremony. Playfulness: Aspiring to attract ecstatic experiences where the focus is on laughter, easygoingness, quirkiness, and cooperation. This has been more in my awareness and it’s been helping me a lot to relax and not be so intense… lol… I say that and I think in general I have a good equilibrium in this.. but i also know that there will be these sudden moments where it’s off the hook… lol… at least in my opinion of it.. and the easygoingness has really helped which does lead to more laughter and allowing my quirkiness to be shared and everyone enjoying each other. I mean it all started with downloading the Boggle game… I’ve downloaded more… and it’s been years since I’ve allowed myself to play games online… and even watching more tv with my dad to bond. Again I’ve just been strict and right now… I just want to play a lot more and not take things so seriously. It’s been nice. Creativity: Courageous attempts to expand imagination by combing intelligence, memory, insight, and Source. This surprisingly enough to me is probably where I’m not as focused on… creativity usually is something that drives me… I’ve packed most of my arts and crafts away so I haven’t been creating in that manner. There are things I’m trying to manifest which is attempts of expanding my imagination… yeah that has probably been the trickiest as of late… but I’m patient to see where it leads and I’m confident that things float and exist but once it manifests… it’s only the beginning to another manifestation being created. Communication: Amalgamation of authentic expressions of emotions and thoughts, observing subtleties, and active reciprocal engagements to connect in shared experience. Communication has been easier it seems… and I really believe it’s because I’m attracting people who want to communicate well too. It’s always nice when at the end of the conversation there’s a mutual agreement that the communication and time shared was beneficial and rewarding to all parties involved. Family: Inspirational desire to connect intimately by receptivity, honesty, acceptance, and devotion to creating supportive energies and synergetic experiences. This right here has been really great. There’s family everywhere… even though we might not share the same definition or label… to be able to find family in any form is very very satisfying… and being able to open myself more to the possibilities and the blood family I absolutely adore are not ready to actually be this type of definition of family… that it’s ok… I find family and I’m patient for family to realize what family means… lol… But yes… resetting and reviewing and reprogramming my values has really been useful. And I just wanted to come back and check in… I”m not trying to completely dismiss this Journalling process… I’m just being more discerning as to what I’m sharing right now. When I was purging… it was necessary, but it’s not necessary at this point… and I’m just wanting to free to be.

Alright… so i went through the values assessment again… I’d have to admit that it went quicker than the first time, but also I had a better idea of how valuable this process is and I know there has been big changes since the last time I went through the life purpose course, but it was very helpful and I can see that I have deeper understanding to the labels… its a little funny that I my definitions got longer… lol… still working on being concise lol… but I’m ok with it so here’s my new list: 1. Spirituality: Personal transformation of consciousness by deepening understanding of unconditional Love and infinite possibilities to be in unison of Universal authenticity 2. Freedom: Personal authority to be instinctively myself at any given moment and available for Infinite Intelligence’s spontaneous attractions. 3. Consciousness: Intuitive acceptance and patient observation of personal and collective phenomena of the awe-inspiring perfection of Existence. 4. Wellness: Optimal discerning open mind, sensuous fit body, and trustful spirit to be capable to engage completely and harmoniously with Consciousness. 5. Nature: Sensuous stimulation experience from various energies when aware of symbiotic relationships of the Universe which is beautiful, powerful, and fulfilling. 6. Learning: Process for curiosity to explore, discover, and significantly integrate new or deeper insights and experiences to contribute towards inclusive applications. 7. Playfulness: Aspiration to attract ecstatic experiences where the emphasis is on laughter, easygoingness, quirkiness, and cooperation. 8. Creativity: Courageous attempts to expand imagination with multiple innovative solutions by combining intelligence, memory, emotions, intuition, and Source. 9. Communication: Amalgamation of sharing authentic expressions of emotions and thoughts, observing subtleties, and active reciprocal engagement to connect in shared experiences. 10. Family: Inspirational desire to connect intimately by receptivity, honesty, acceptance, and devotion to create supportive energies and synergetic experiences. I’m going to go ahead and list my top five strengths again so I have things updated. I did not do another pass with this because this usually is constant and I still find these are true for me personally.. 1. Creativity, ingenuity, and originality: Thinking in new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content we’re doing something to conventional way if a better way is possible. 2. Zest, enthusiasm, and energy: Regardless of what you do, you approach with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or half hearted. For you life is an adventure. 3. Hope optimism and future minded: You expect the best in the future and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control. 4. Curiosity and interest in the world: You are curious about everything you are always asking questions and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploring and discovery. 5. Appreciation of beauty and excellence: You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and or skilled performance in all domains in life from nature to art to mathematics to science to every day experiences. I did find it interesting when I was prioritizing the values list… I know I was wanting to logically place them but when I went through the passes to see where they really rank from me.. the biggest switch was the “playfulness” Originally I had thought this would be the last on my list… but when I really thought about it and used my gut… I jumped it up to 7 which was a pretty significant change. For the last few years I had a focus on Awakening and I took it very seriously. But the manner I was doing it was a contradiction… lol… I’m learning how to be happier in any given moment, but I placed seriousness higher then laughter… and that just doesn’t seem like it’s the right approach for me now. Even when I am thinking about sharing ceremony… I absolutely love sharing but I also find myself taking it seriously with who I share ceremony with… I know it’s beneficial to be discerning, but I also need to lighten up a bit about it… lol… and even though it’s important in my opinion doesn’t mean that we can’t be playful with it too… not careless or destructive, but playful… I’ve had so many times of ecstatic experiences in ceremony… also so much love and patience… I’d prefer to embody that more… ceremony hasn’t been so serious and strict with me and I don’t need to be that way to myself or anyone I share with. I think I’m going to go ahead and reach out to one of the guys I’ve been talking with to see if he’s available for this weekend. I’m not sure what will be most comfortable for him on the location. I can definitely offer my space but honestly I haven’t been able to really visit with his wife yet who is apprehensive for him to participate. It’s odd for me, because it seems like he already chooses to participate in psychedelics at times… definitely not on a regular. Basis… he has taken DMT before but only twice with a year between… so I guess I’m not sure what the difference would be to introduce a ceremonial setting to this process. We briefly met and she seemed very sweet and the children were sweet and funny… actually a few of them noticed how much they enjoyed my energy and wanted me to continue to visit and hangout… lol… i do enjoy youthful energy and so it’s easy for me to connect to them. But anyway… tomorrow I’ll reach out to start planning on getting this rolling. I did have another Bufo ceremony when I took time away from Journaling. It was beautiful like it normally is… and it’s fun to see where it goes. This time was another focus on my little buddy Elvis. It’s really amazing to see how he responds and how I responde to him in ceremony… I can see he wants badly to relax and trust me, but then I can see the struggle that he goes through too… but when we share ceremony together… we really able to spend that time deepening our connection together. In this time here at my dad’s place… I can see a lot of improvement when it comes to him trusting and wanting to receive love more… which makes me happy. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole protectiveness towards the other cats… I know it’s healthy for him not being scared or cower to the cat, but it’s unusual to see him being so aggressive at times. I know we’re going to work more on getting him to the point to be more comfortable around other animals… he’s already getting better with my dad too… lol… he really seems to want my dad to give him attention and affection… it’s really funny because he talking in an unusual manner and i think it makes my dad uncomfortable… lol… I think my dad thinks Elvis could hurt him at any moment… lol.. and it’s not like he’ll be able to hurt him too much… but I’m used to getting a few scratches… he doesn’t like to be held so he jumps away which causes scratches… i grew up with dogs and I liked to get them playing and being a little rowdy… and so I tend to do that with my cats too… and so there’s some scratches from there too… but just like dogs.. I let them know what’s acceptable which is playful and when it goes too far… but again it’s a work in progress. There’s another guy who wants ceremony but I’d like to have another opportunity to chat with him… he’s got a lot of moving parts in his schedule so we’re trying to find a time together… he said he’d like to invite me to dinner and I said that’s fine… I’ve been taking long walks lately… maybe we can just do that too… but we’ll see how that falls into play. ANd there was a third guy who I’m still interested in sharing ceremony with… but I think there’s going to be another time to hangout again… there’s a little residue that seems sexual and I’m trying to get that taken care of before we go into ceremony. He’s suggested going on a hike somewhere and so I might try to find out what can be done this weekend… I’d like to either have ceremony or go hiking or camping… really… if we went camping then I can see sharing ceremony because it’s just hard to not take advantage of sharing Nature’s energy especially during ceremony when it seems to appreciation is amplified. I’m not sure what’s going on with my schedule of sleep right now… it just seems to get pushed back later and later… lol… literally maybe the last five days I haven’t been going to sleep until noon… that’s pretty crazy… I haven’t had this schedule before…and honestly I don’t really want to continue this… but I have to admit that I do like all this alone time if that makes any sense. I have a lot of alone time, but it feels like it’s different when everything around is silent. Ok… this is good for now… until next time.

Where to go… where will it flow? I don’t know but if feels like I’m not certain what to share right now… lol… I’ve been doing a little of my own journaling but mostly recording my dreams… they’ve been starting back up a little bit. So I’ve placed my notebook and pencil next to me when I lay down. But yeah I was trying to express when I’m on here and there was some issues with it posting or erasing… I don’t know it just seemed like I needed to be a little bit more picky at what I discuss. I felt like when I get in the flow it was really helping me out though so I’ve been struggling whether to write or not to write here publically… lol.. But I guess I’ll just go ahead and try and then see where it goes. There was a few days ago when I was waking up thinking about my values again… maybe it’s time to readdress my values. I had taken the purpose class from Leo and I had found my values and I wrote them down on several little note cards and I would place them different places so I could see them often and remind myself what my values are. So I think I’m going to start there tonight and see where it leads. So I’ll go ahead and write down what I had… it was over six years ago when I had written these… Consciousness: Quiet mind, sensory body, witnessing, reality with acceptance Learning: Curious to discover and persistent to find application towards growth Passion: Intense, energetic engagements to motivate beneficial desires in others Courage: Overcoming internal threats with confidence, strategy, and perseverance Freedom: Authentic choice to do a spontaneous act to discover life fully Creativity: Solving conceptual problems in a new way to bring joy Connection: Harmony with the universe through recognition, acceptance, and respect to all organic energies Playfulness: Ability to bring spontaneous joy just to laugh, smile, and feel alive Contribution: Optimal growth from sharing myself to benefit all life Wellness: Ability to recover to optimal levels in holistic way And here was my strengths assessment too.. Creativity, ingenuity, and originality: Thinking in new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content we’re doing something to conventional way if a better way as possible. Zest, enthusiasm, and energy: Regardless of what you do, you approach with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or half hearted. For your lives and adventure. Hope optimism and future minded: You expect the best in the future and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control. Curiosity and interest in the world: You are curious about everything you are always asking questions and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploring and discovery. Appreciation of beauty and excellence: You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and or skilled performance in all domains in life from nature to art to mathematics to science to every day experiences. So I think it would be nice to look at this right now… I just went and watched the introductory video off the course and it seems there’s a good reason why I’m looking at this right now… I feel like there’s a tough decision that I have on my mind and I want to look at it from a value point of view to see if it’s in alignment or if I’m in-integrity of my values with this decision. I like the quote Leo had put on this intro video.. “The story of the human race is the story of men and women selling themselves short.” Abraham Maslow It’s almost as if I don’t have to do this… lol… is because I rally don’t want to do this decision that I’m facing… but I also feel like it’s an option that I know will work for the time being to eventually get me to where I want to be. I’ve done it before and so I know it works… in ways but not in all ways… lol… So I’ve mentioned that for the last few summers I had moved to the Colorado mountain town to work all summer and save money to go to mostly Peru for ceremony. And that time is now… I actually know of one room that is available to rent, and it’s at my buddies place. It’s really hard to find a place to sleep in this town for workers… that’s the trickiest part is to find a location to sleep. If we can find a place to sleep… then whatever I’m willing to do for work and how many hours I’m willing to work is there… and there’s a lot of opportunities to save money. I know in the back of my mind that when I go… yes I can save money… but damn it drains me soooo much… and the positions I work arent’ that challenging or creative… that’s why I usually work several positions so I can add variety into the summer. So let’s run this through my past values… I’ll find my current values but I think it’s best to run through the exercises on my own and then come back with the edited version. So for now… the values I listed is still valid and I’ll use that as an example. So Consciousness…. Choosing to go back to for the summer position will this align me with this value… fortunately… having this as a top value… I can always be conscious of Consicousness… that’s always running in the back of my mind anyway.. so I know that this will help me see whether I’m at consciously… lol… last time I was just getting back from my eight months in Peru and I was so extremely sensitive and drained… not grounded… so I was getting pretty triggered easily… when I went to work I knew it was too early for me to be working with others.. especially with a new crew that I hadn’t worked with before. They didn’t know me, and I didn’t know them… and it didn’t take long before I left and returned shortly back to Indiana to get the rest I needed and the time to integrate. I know I’ve given myself a ton of rest and I am better grounded and I feel like I’d be better prepared to put myself back into the situation of working with others… but honestly I know it’s been tricky for me still to do that currently. Currently it’s easy for me to just say… I can spend a few hours with them, but I can choose to wait weeks before I have to engage with them again or if it would be longer even. If I go I know I can find many available positions… the thing is.. I know I’m a good worker… it’s finding positions that will keep my attention.. lol… plus leadership is huge for me… it’s pretty much impossible for me to work for leaders who aren’t up to my standards… lol.. they have to have respect for the staff and our guests first of all… if I see disrespect… it’s almost an instant no… depends on how desperate I get… lol… and the whole time I see the warning signs… and then it’s just the the battle of how long am I going to put up with the bullshit. And then it’s the energy that I have to waste trying to convince myself that the money is going to be worth it because I’ll be able to do what I need to get done after summer is over. This location is always desperate for workers so it’s very easy to find other positions… but really I have worked so many positions there… nothing is screaming out to me as … hey go back there and do this one… that one is beneficial. I don’t mind getting triggered… it keeps my humble and it shows me what I need to work on. I also know that this location does have people who would like to share in ceremony with me. But right now I’m struggling with sharing ceremony with the people here… I’m going back and forth whether I”m ready or not. I want to… I love it but I also feel like I’m more picky with whom I share my energy and time with. I’m interested in seeing the differences I will be in ceremony and how ceremony continues to develop. So I potentially have those opportunities… but those opportunities are potentially anywhere I happen to be. Ok next value is Learning… again this happens to be a value that I can apply generally in any location. I know that there is so much for me to learn and everyone is a teacher. But if I look at it in a job… is there a position where I can learn new skills? Especially skills that I know I want to learn for my future endeavors that I cannot stop thinking about… lol… well I tried to do that a bit last summer…. I helped a guy with his horses… so I did get time to learn a little… but it wasn’t really a full on training session. I helped only a little and he couldn’t hire full-time. There are a few other locations there that might have opportunities to learn horsemanship there… and that would be valuable to me. I also did some construction work which I think could be valuable as well… the boss though… outside of work… I can handle him… but during work his negativity and constant bitching was a lot to handle… and it wasn’t like a weekly thing… it was an every three hour thing… lol… now he’s been divorced for a year now close to two.. so maybe he’d have a different mindset, but I’ve been asking around and it still seems he’s having issues keeping staff because of his attitude. I know he loved me as a worker and damn it… I know we could do well together if he could calm his temper… I do love the position because we would be doing different stuff and I was learning left and right… so that could be an option honestly. I don’t think he’s changed as much as I hope he will, but I also know that we could find a middle ground… most of the time when we worked by ourselves he’d let me just do my thing… he’d come back to check on me and then tell me where to go for the next duties. It really didn’t work well when he had other workers with us… he’d go off the handle with them and again.. respect is huge for me when it comes to working under leadership. I also know he was in Mexico for the winter and so that should’ve given him some time to relax and unwind… so maybe he’ll be in a better mood and ready for a good summer season. So actually when it comes to learning… I could see possibly seeing if he can use my help with construction and I can look into a few location about the horses… only thing about the horses is I’d need to have a vehicle to help out with them. Some have housing on-site but I’d think they would have those positions filled already.. but it’s not too hard to look into it to see if there’s something available still. Next value Passion… I’m a passionate person, but I’d honestly have to say that I don’t have a lot of passion or enthusiasm to return to the same location. That’s why I’m so hesitant. Honestly I’d like to do something different, but I haven’t been able to figure out what that new thing will be. I know I start off passionate in jobs but many times that gets me into trouble.. lol.. I usually have ideas that aren’t always appreciated… lol.. I know many employers are set in there ways… and it’s not my place to give advice or new ideas… lol.. I know spirituality I’m very passionate about… and ti’s a small town.. many people know what I’m about…. And honestly it makes them uncomfortable…lol.. they think its cool and some might even try to chat to me about it… but that’s not what they’re used to talking about and when I’ve changed my behaviors to not involve the party scene… lol.. that’s what most of them like to do, especially in the summer time. But again… I know if I have the money.. I’d only have to give my energy and time for the summer… and when fall comes around then I can use that money to pursue my passions… I know with whatever money I have at the end of the summer.. I’ll be able to organize my trips to get things rolling. That excavation is in my mind… and I’d assume I’d have to save quite a bit of money for that… and I guess if I have to go for another dieta run first and then get a better idea of how much to save for next time… then I’ll have to do it that way then that’s just how it will have to be. I’d love to be able to do dieta and digging the next trip… but i also know however it falls it the way it is. Courage is my next value… In one way I wouldn’t think this is courageous… in this way… I’m choosing to go somewhere that I know and I’m comfortable in this small town… It hasn’t changed much in the last five-six years I’ve been going there..and so things can be pretty predictable. But I know this was the location where it was my courageous step to move out there not knowing anyone… not having a place to live… not having places to work… I’d have to really go and talk to almost every local there to find my way into this spot… this was also the place where I started sharing ceremonies and I remember having to start to talk to people more about what I did and what I shared and that took a lot of courage. Because this is a summer vacation spot this was a good spot for me to work on being around parties but just enjoying myself and not engaging in activities… it can be fun.. but not that much fun because they were out of it so much… lol.. at one time this was where I proved my courage… but now… it’s comfortable and predictable… which isn’t a bad thing though either. I didn’t know how much I’d appreciate returning back to my dad’s place… it’s pretty comfortable and predictable it’s been appreciated greatly… but honestly I’m getting antsy again because of it… lol Freedom… Again… while I’m there I won’t feel like I’ll have much freedom, but with what I save I’ll have the freedom afterwards. I’ll probably be able to sneak away a few days to hike and camp with friends… but while I’m working there… I’ll feel obligated… lol… but it would only be temporary. It’s just whether I want to give these things up for a five months… it’s tricky for me to say oh yeah that’s not a problem… but that’s challenging for me to agree to that right now… but I know the sacrifice would eventually lead to that freedom Creativity… I usually find ways to be creative in what I’m doing… I usually don’t have any energy to do any personal creative activities unless I get fed up with my position… lol.. and there are other artists there which sometimes have collaborative projects… there’s a small group that is interesting.. a few of them have shared in ceremony with me… but most of their crew entertain and indulge recreationally and so I keep my distance from them too… lol… that’s the thing… I keep my distance from many who live there… but it seems like I keep my distance from most I know… lol.. I can take them for short periods of time.. but definitely not on a consistent basis… lol.. that would be nice to find energies who just happy… lol… i was just talking to one of my girl friends how much I think I want to be social… but majority of the people I speak with are depressed… well shit it’s hard to enjoy myself when everyone is moping around complaining about things… lol… it might be hard to think that that’s not what I do… that’s why i think if I continue working on this public Journal… I might try to see if it’s not a space where I purge all the time… because really I don’t want to be purging all the time… I’d love to talk to people who are passionate… lol… those are the best conversations I have I feel… I ran into one of the guys who wants to share ceremony here as I was walking one day. He invited me to his house and I met his wife, his brothers, and his six children… it was so nice… they had great energy. And he was full of passion about what excites him and what he’s trying to create in his life… that was so refreshing to engage in a conversation with him. He actually has me thinking about sharing ceremony with him soon. He’s going to be leaving for the summer with his family and so I know I don’t have much time left if I do want to share with him. But out of the ones I’ve been talking to… he seems to be the one I’m drawn to share with. But creativity is something I carry with me wherever I am. And it’s not hard for me to find ways to be creative even if its my own way of applying creativity into my life. Connection… this is kind of funny for me… there is a connection I have with the locals here… it’s a small community and we all seem to know each other in a way.. i don’t know most of them too personally or deeply… but there is a connection and there is even support regardless of our differences… lol… but right it seems like it’s a surface connection… but I also know I have several passes at people to make deeper connections… and I know that’s what I do when I go around and visit or even reach out in communication… I see where we are at and see how deep we can go and see if our connection can deepen… so i know I’d try to continue making my passes to deepen the connections there… it’s just a little trying if I go and just bust my ass off to work and save money… that’s pretty much what all the workers do and so we work, sleep, and eat… if we get a day off we’ll try to connect with nature and then go to the live music and maybe out to the bar… i like to go and socialize at times… well try to like to go socialize but it’s not like there’s great conversations when everyone is just trying to get lit up… lol… but there’s music normally… a little dancing… some pool games… and it’s not like I go every week… but every now and then I try… lol… i try to be somewhat normal… lol… but the locals kind of picked up on that too… lol Playfulness… now this seems to be on me. I feel like I can be intense or aloof and it’s probably hard for people to ignite my playfulness… lol… this is something I’d rather place on myself… I’m a lot more chill about things… and actually another reason why I’m looking into this decision because… I’m just not as motivated to go and work jobs that really don’t interest me… but damn it I know there are still benefits … there are a lot of playful locals there and I know I have a good time with them when I allow myself to be playful too. There are just some times where that’s just what’s in my mind.. lol… when I’m with kiddos… all i think about is how to be fun and make them laugh.. when I’m teaching anything creative same thing… my silly side comes out because I’m entertaining too not just teaching. I know this is something I want to be more aware of… but playfulness is something I take with me and is a potential in me to bring out.. if I’m conscious of it… lol… actually if I do go back.. this might help me not get so drained so easily Contribution… woo… this one right here… lol… I took this one too seriously before… I have been struck in the face with the necessity for balance in my contribution… lol… I know I still value this, but not as highly as I did before… or maybe just not in the same manner. I wanted to contribute to everything and everyone… and that’s just not healthy for me. I’d much rather focus on myself honestly… it’s not like I am going to completely be someone different so I know I’m going to do my best with whom I’m with or where I’m working… but I don’t have to go out in every place and every person though… this goes hand-in-hand with my next value… Wellness… this is a higher value for me right now. My wellness has also been slapping me in the face saying hey… I’m important too… take care of myself as much as I’d like to take care of others… I can only help others if I’m taken care of too… lol… and that’s why I’m struggling going back… because I just know how I usually treat myself there… but I also know I’ve been slowly getting away from overworking and pushing myself to the limits… So… really all of these values I carry with me anywhere I go… lol.. right it doesn’t really matter what I choose as long as I know my values I can approach situations appropriately to my values… if that makes sense. Honestly I just really don’t feel like going back to that same town this summer… I want something different. I love Colorado and I’d like to explore others areas when I return… but I know I’d really like to return to Peru.. that’s always in my mind… I cannot wait to do more dietas… and I’m really curious how ceremonies are going to go once I return… but do I need to go in the Fall? That’s usually what I do… and that’s why I would be going back to the small mountain town… so I can have the money for Fall trip to Peru… it’s already crazy to think that this Fall will be a year and a half since I returned… so yeah I can’t believe a year has passed since I returned to the States… this year has been highly unusual for me.. lol.. i never would’ve imagined needing this much isolation time… but I’m grateful that I game myself this time… but again I feel myself getting antsy now. I want to change things up… but maybe just starting with some little changes here and there… instead of swinging the pendulum drastically might be an approach… lol… but really i feel like I’m waiting for a sign maybe… everyone here wants me to tell them my plans.. and it’s hard for me to answer because i know if I get the sign… or a feeling to go and do and move… then I’ll know… but right now… i feel like waiting. Waiting to see what new opportunities are out there… I have to say I didn’t make any official decisions writing this out.. but I got a few places to explore into a little further… I enjoy writing in this journal.. so maybe I’ll try to find a balance with it… lol… balance is what I seem to always be working on

Lol… well shit… it just seems like the learning is not stop i guess.. lol.. it’s a good thing but wow I didn’t expect this… how could I? Let’s just say leveling up is a lot more… just more… than I knew… lol… I knew there would be a leveling up but now I know that I had no clue what that meant…lol… So this Journal has really opened up my awareness… but it’s just happening all the time.. I definitely feel like a vessel for infinite intelligence… just like as if I’m in ceremony. I can’t explain it.. but when I channel in ceremony it’s a message for whom I’m with, but it’s also a deeper message for myself. Yesterday I felt like taking a longer walk… I didn’t know if I’d just take some pics of this town as I walked to make it longer… and before I left I got the feeling to go visit a friend of mine. Just popped up in my head… sent them a message I’ll be heading over there… it’ll take me about an hour to arrive… I don’t have access to WiFi so I’ll just see if they’re home when I arrive… regardless they’re on the other side of town and that was about the length of time I wanted to walk anyway. She was home and so was a friend. But I saw her the day I arrived… my dad and I stopped in but she was busy and we just got done driving from Colorado so it was a brief chat to let her know I’m around. Well we haven’t seen each other or reached out since. She’s one of the closest friends I have. Actually she’s the first person that I told ceremony to who didn’t question me at all… she literally trusts me and it never occurred to her to doubt me… lol.. I’m not sure if that’s healthy… lol… but that’s our relationship… we don’t lie to each other and we’ve been through shit in life and we know we’re not going to bullshit each other. Anyways the friend who was there… quickly knew that we were just going to be nonstop talking.. lol.. he headed out shortly after I arrived… lol… i felt for maybe two seconds bad, but then I was like… good I didn’t have to try to engage or encourage him to talk… like some males.. they just like to sit there.. and it looked like he was wanting to watch tv instead of talk… so anyway… she and I just gabbed catching up and seeing what’s been going on. As I’m talking to her I start to realize that I’m unable to stop myself from just spilling out my heart.. lol… about not being able to bullshit myself or take bullshit from others either.. lol.. I could see how Leo was responding to people in that manner… but I also feel like I can ground this energy and respond better, but yeah it’s tough not to just point shit out… lol.. words being said are beacons. I knew this, but I didn’t know exactly to what extent. It was easier for me to notice people’s words and it gives me an idea of where they’re at. Right, how they talk about themselves, or others, or society.. gives me a little bit about their current mindset…. Sometimes you can hear them repeat their routine stored memories and sometimes you’ll hear after that a desire to change that… so just have to be patient and allow them to say what’s in their minds. When I was having a conversation to her… and how I was responding again because I’m completely comfortable and theirs trust their… I could see I was channeling… to the point where I almost felt bad that I was telling myself more information then i was telling her. She wasn’t getting everything I was saying, but she’s bright and getting the intention out of it… but there was at least one funny insight that I gained while I was talking to her… I was telling her about Awakening… at least what it felt like for me… not every detail just the point where I had no memory of words or thoughts… and the first time observing this whatever this was… lol… and it wasn’t scary, it wasn’t happy, it wasn’t really curious even though i found myself looking around.. i didn’t have any emotion either… i was just new. But then I started to tell her about what I’m finding out about the changes and the newness of who I am now. I was laughing because as I was talking to her my realization of the changes just keep coming up.. like it’s a nonstop thing that’s developing all the time. So when I’m writing and I’m sure others do the same thing.. i use words to talk to a group of people, but then there’s the read between the lines messages that I’m sending too.. lol.. and I was thinking of two specific guys who I’d be talking to… and mostly I”ve been directing my message to one of them, but then I realized the other guy… ummm…. He’s been at my level and beyond… if I’m able to do what i can do… in theory he can do it too and who knows what else… and yes I’ve been communicated indirectly to him, but only on occasions.. well that’s what I thought when I was writing, but then I realized I was talking to him directly.. and to him… and eventually to you all… lol… because we are literally all connected. I don’t know if I’m completely accurate but we’re playing games that we are all alone out here… and no other can understand us or hear us or whatever we tell each other, but there exist no other.. so we play the game to connect.. how to connect? We are already… lol… but again… some of us already know this too… and I’m thinking these somebodies that know are experiencing something similar to what I’m experiencing… so those someone’s… hello! And yes I’m talking to you.. directly… lol… and it doesn’t matter when you read this… you’ll know who you are… and again.. i hope it will be all of us that realize this… lol… but anyway… it’s really fucking cool… and there was a little part of me today thinking maybe I should just give myself another night to rest from Journaling.. and I’m trying to occupy my time… and I can’t stop thinking that I want to address this… and so I will… lol I keep on wanting to plan… or as i say imagine so it’s comfortable for people to hear my plans… because to some this might seem I’m in Lala land.. and so I play the game to make everyone somewhat comfortable. The thing is plans don’t really always work out as I plan them… and i even tell people I have a direction, but I still found myself wanting to plan… lol.. and where to start and where to focus. And what usually happens is I’ll be guided… lol.. once I’m guided then that’s what I do anyway regardless of my plans… lol.. because ultimately I know I have a direction and how it gets there and how long it takes doesn’t really matter as long as I trust it’s going in that direction.. and I do trust that it perfectly works out just the way it does.. lol… and so I got a message while I was sleeping to take everything with me.. lol.. and again I feel like something is going to happen that’s going to ignite me into the direction I’m focused on and so I’m getting ready to be ready. So… today I took another walk around the town… and went to locations i haven’t visited yet… this little town is really pretty awesome. I was telling my girlfriend how lucky we really were to experience growing up here. I was trying to give an analogy of environmental differences from here to Peru… and she thought wow we’re really different… but I said, but are we really? And so I started to explain more how we are very similar but we experienced an easier environment. She’s lived in this town her whole life and she’s the same age as I am… and she’s getting to the point where she’s bored with this town. I laughed because I can understand her, but I told her… if you happen to take a chance to experience something new… I bet you might see this place differently… I haven’t lived here for twenty years and while I was here I was dying to get out and now that I’m back… it’s not like I want to live here for the rest of my remaining years… but damn… I love this place and how lucky we were to have a little town like this with the community we had and the environment we had… it’s really an awesome place. I’m not trying to tell her she’ll be happier somewhere else… she would have to decide that for herself, but I’d hope when she returns here she’ll not take for granted where she actually lives… I don’t get bored anymore.. lol.. I enjoy where I am, until I want to change it up and enjoy wherever that might be… lol… but if she’s getting bored… that’s a sign to change it up. I’d love to tell details, but we were gabbing so much that I didn’t even think about getting her permission to talk about our conversation… so I’ll wait. But I can say because I appreciate her trust in my words and my character… I want to shower her with some extra love… lol… I know she’s got to do her own work, but she’s going to get a little more tlc from me… and obviously my pops… I didn’t realize this until I was talking to her in this state. I know I get excited inside.. and I wanted to tell her more deep shit, but I also knew it was saying a lot to absorb so opted to give her a break.. and really I don’t know if she’s ready for all the love i want to shower on her.. lol.. i don’t think anyone I know is ready… lol… anyone I know… that just sounds different to me now. Especially when I know we are all connected and in so many ceremonies it could feel like we just met outside of ceremony but during ceremony we’re ancient and timeless friends… I used to be surprised by that message.. but it happens so often that it’s not surprising at all now. And even when I meet people… it’s like I’m waiting to see if they want to connect like we’re ancient and timeless friends… or if i have to play the game with them or not… lol.. I don’t mind playing the game… at times I get carried away… lol.. and I am stil surprised.. I’m not sure why I am, but how everything went down last Thursday with the escalated argument. But I love that woman. And I guess… she’s not ready to share that connection we all have yet. And I’m going to be ok with that. I’m not going to forget her, but I do need to keep some distance… I’m still struggling over bitching in my head about what we were saying.. lol.. and I’m hopefully purging it out so it doesn’t have to be baggage I continue to carry with me… so I’m letting myself even though another part of me is like… still? You still needing to bitch about this… lol.. how long do you need? Lol… that’s how quickly the pace of change is happening… it’s been four days and I’m wondering why it’s still lingering… lol… it’ll take as long as it takes, and I”m ok with that. I’ve known her for 13 years or more now.. and I’ve held on to all those feelings that long… so it takes me longer than four days to purge that pent up energy then that’s acceptable to me… lol… because that’s how long it’s taking… lol So… because I feel things are about to change and I get the message to take it all… I start to look around again at my stuff. Instead of keeping them out… I’m packing them now. Plus I’m bringing some more personal material items that has significance to me which I was going to keep at my pops for him to enjoy… and I figured when I find my own place I’d take it with me at that time. Well… I’m going to be having my own space soon and I’d like to have these items with me. I don’t have much, so why not take them with me. But I had to go back and purge through the items… and yet again… there was more I was willing and wanting to get rid of. Lol… I felt like I had narrowed everything down already, but nope.. theres’ more… and who knows I might do it again… lol… I’m getting ready to be ready.. and when will I be ready? There’s a message I’ve been receiving actually for years now. And I always seem to want to jump the gun… lol.. I’m like it has to be time… let’s check. Nope…not time yet… ok a year goes by or just months.. is it time? Nope…not yet… I thought about it today… Is it time? And i was like… am I just wanting to jump the gun? Yes because when I know I get the message… I’ll know and I won’t have to guess… lol… I just need to be patient enough to get the message. Again if that’s tomorrow or a year from now. I’ve struggled a little about free will… I still do… I’m not sure I’m going to go into it right now… but there is a struggle that I have. And damn it… because I’m using struggle I know it’s stopping me though too… lol… when I use the word struggle it’s really that there’s something I haven’t found clarity in. I’ve been getting use to questioning my assumptions and even my interpretations of my experiences… I’m pretty ok with being wrong, and then switching again.. but if there’s something I say I’m struggling with then.. i just need to look at it more.. gain a clarity that satisfies my struggle… and I’ll continue to learn deeper anyway… so it’s not a problem unless I just continue to tell myself I”m struggling. So why do I say I struggle with free will? I guess when I say free will it’s like a synonym of control… my will controls my behavior and actions… before I would observe this to not be true for a long time observing it… again I found that I surrender and not control then I felt so much better… Everything was out of my control and I knew how to roll with the waves that I was swimming in. But who’s will does seem to be in control? Control? What is my definition of control? A force dominating the experiences upon itself and others… maybe? Right now I feel like the word control is a negative thing, but I know that’s not true… so control over my emotions… that’s a good thing.. and I’ve been experiencing gain better control in this area… and then yet again… I got into an arguement where I lose my voice for a few days afterwards…. That wasn’t control. before I would feel really bad… I don’t feel so bad this time.. why? Because I felt in the past that I was hurting someone when I lost control of my emotions… but how do I feel now? I feel like I was teaching them something was needing to be addressed and unfortunately for this particular situation it had to be in a manner leaning towards aggression… I’m not sure if it was really aggressive… but it was clearly letting the party know that I do not agree with the leadership… The leadership is power hungry and was encouraging judgments and hatefulness. I couldn’t just allow it to happen over and over and over and over and over again… I snapped. It took me awhile to snap… but I did eventually… actually I can’t even say I did.. I don’t think I felt my heart racing or beating quickly.. I was breathing normally… so my body wasn’t in a state of tension… it was still relaxed but my voice and body language was in a state to be heard and not walked over by a power hungry toxic consciousness. I can see how this was developed and I know this harsh mental environment she had to survive in would be hard on any of us that would experience it. I would have loved to continue to use patience and docile approach but that just wasn’t working… most of us approach her that way and she just grew more power hungry… so I wanted to demonstrate that being patient and docile isn’t a sign a weakness… it was a sign of respect. And I felt like I had to approach in a manner to get the message across… but again then I felt like I showed a lack of respect… and technically I did. Who’s will was in control? The egos will was not in control… neither of us wanted that to happen… but we couldn’t stop ourselves. So it happened… so it was… so it was in accordance of perfection… and for us we can view it how we will… and I know I learned that I want to continue giving respect regardless of how unconscious the words I hear are. I know I can address it in a manner that can be received when I don’t yell… lol… that doesn’t usually help. The will is universal will that seems to be in control… but I’m not sure if control is the right way to think about this. Maybe it’s similar to me and this plan that I was discussing earlier. My plans don’t usually go as planned… but there’s a direction… and that might be a way for me to approach universal will has a direction it goes towards… how it manifest… continues in that direction… for me when I find myself in situations that shows me I don’t want to continue this behavior I’m grateful because if I wasn’t shown or experienced it… I’d just continue behaving in the same manner. Universal will directs. I am the Universe too… I direct… however that manifests… I’ll know it’s in the direction of universal direction too. So yeah.. this whole separation thing again.. i tried to distinguish my will with universal will as if there’s two different wills working either together or battling each other. It’s directing in the same direction… but I might now see that truth at the moment… but I feel like I’m getting at recognizing it fairly quickly. I wish I could go into detail.. but it’s personal and wasn’t given permission… but I see the parties involved that saw me react in that manner.. will have to work out their understanding of what they witnessed. They most likely don’t have a positive understanding right now… but I know that Universal direction isn’t perceived as intelligent… but obviously it’s the ultimate intelligence… it’s what all the parties involved had to experience becasue where ever we are say in our state of consciousness and how we interpret the stipulation… is going to learn in the manner and that will lead to growth… which will lead to love and acceptance… but how and when is going to be different. I feel like that’s a side of me that I have labeled bad when I raise my voice… but I know it’s necessary at times. I wish it to not be the case. I feel like I’ve been observing this in myself to learn that this is not the most effective way. Yes it can be effective, but to what extent is it effective… and how much time does it talk to repair and recover? I know I’ll continue to direct my intentions to continue to the respect that all deserves… it’s a direction towards love and acceptance… But when the parties I’m dealing with doesn’t find value in love and acceptance? Then it’s time to not address it… even though I know they are leaders??? Why can I not call them out for their bullshit? Because they’re going to continue to teach bullshit… I can still call them out i guess i can say that, but also giving them the respect they deserve. I wasn’t showing love and acceptance. I cannot teach love and acceptance if I make excuses to do it at particular times as if it was valid. There is not a valid time to do this. Again… it was perfect for me to experience it because at my state I can find the lessons to address to change in myself in a deliberate manner with more focus. But I also know I’ll learn at my perfect pace. We all learn at our perfect pace and the perfect environment we find ourselves in. Free will… the freedom to will to learn or not learn… to continue the same lessons or to try different ways to learn the lessons… Freedom to direct universal will toward love and acceptance however that unfolds. My friend said she can’t believe we’re 41… what did she do all those years? I looked at her and said… you’ve been preparing to be the happiest version of yourself… to love yourself fully… to accept yourself completely… we might not thinking we’re doing anything with ourselves… but regardless if we’re conscious of it or not… we have been getting ready to be ready… to be ready to be unconditional love. Love without conditions… I saw my conditional love spewing out of my mouth… I know how powerful words are and I was careless with them… I will be more care-Full… That’s the thing is I know I saw this engagement completely different then she did… I know we’re going to be in a loving relationship… but since she doesn’t see that as part of her reality… i have to play the game until she’s ready to play a different game. I just don’t have to wait around for her to be ready. I want to be around ready ones… lol… I”m one of the ready ones, right? Lol.. I keep thinking I’m ready…and then I get shown that my ready isn’t ready yet… lol… how much more do I need to purify and process… do I have to be in complete integration before I’m ready… lol… pressuring myself to know when doesn’t do any good… but dwell on uncertainty… the think is I’ve experienced certainty… and when I’m ready… I’ll know with certainty… oh that feels good for tonight. Good time to break

Alright… I wasn’t sure if I was going to write tonight, but I wanted to see where it would go. Even though I know to distance myself doesn’t mean that I can make my mind not think about it and to distance… lol… physically distancing is far more easier than mental distance. I feel like I need to purge a little more and then try to focus on something else… I believe what I’ve been bitching about over and over in my head today… was my opinion on their approach of what they are teaching the children. That continue to circulate in my mind. When I hear them being emphatic that they know what’s right and wrong… Oh cool… just had two buddies reach out that i haven’t talked to in awhile.. they both are living in Peru but they’re from the UK… there not buddies I met them different spots… but one is thinking of coming to Colorado this summer to make some cash and enjoy the mountains for awhile and then maybe see what’s up in the States.. that was a good headspace change for me. Hmmm… I wonder if I should just keep the switch in attitude up… I don’t really want to continue to mull over the thoughts of frustration… lol.. ok So I can continue on my imagination… I also listened to a tarot reading that I found interesting.. I might try to find it and write the message… hmm… I might just do that… let’s see if i can find it … let’s see if I can transcribe while she’s talking… this reader is ________… LOL… so i was writing it out… I totally forgot there was part of the message that said this is not to be shared… lol… so I’m not going to share it like I wanted to… I’ve been erasing more than typing the last two nights… lol… I guess what’s coming up to mention was a conversation I had with my dad while we were eating at the local Mexican restaurant. It’s Cinco de Mayo… and it was like the whole town was rotating in and out… very drastic speech but there was many people.. lol… I normally don’t run into people I know even though it’s a small town… granted it was winter and I’m now just getting out and about… but I ran into a few people I knew from school. I get sucked into my own little world… lol.. so i didn’t recognize them at first and it’s been so long since I’ve seen them that it was a struggle to get their names at the tip of my tongue… some I knew but as I was driving away the other names started coming back too… there was one older guy who seemed to know me and my pops but both of us was like… who was he? Lol… we can change in appearance after time.. lol.. I feel bad when I don’t remember peoples name. I know I’d like to work on my memory more.. we’ll see how that can be trained.. but I know I’m trying to do that with my dreams so maybe that will help. But anyway the conversation with my pops… I‘ve been telling him different things I’m thinking about when it comes to the expedition and he’s getting a lot better to give his feedback and suggestions… but I threw him when I started telling him that I had a dream about a double decker helicopter… he laughed and said he couldn’t imagine how much a helicopter would be. I laughed back and said I’m not thinking about the price. I apologized to him but I said I am trying to change that type of mindset. I don’t want to focus on the money… if I did that then I”m not really imagining… when I’m doing this process it’s for creativity and inspiration… if I keep it open as much as possible… I have as much room to roam.. I’ve been telling him how I find if i let my mind wonder from one thing to the next to the next freely it always me to notice something I didn’t notice before or think about before and it inspires me to investigate at a new angle. If I try to worry about the money then I’m going to narrow my playing field to a very small pin point and then I don’t have any room to explore the possibilities just what I know… that’s not the point of my approach right now… lol.. I’ve tried this imagine together a few years back with him… and he wasn’t really inspired to share his dreams with me… or at least didn’t have any confidence to explore them at that time. I know he’s very imaginative but I also know he limits himself.. and I feel with us talking it cannot help to rub off on each other… so yeah…. I still enjoy exploring the different options of my imagination towards these areas I know I’m going to be working towards. I don’t know how it’s all going to play out, but I love to see what may be possible… I did this about six months ago and some things are similar and somethings are new.. so i like that… I didn’t have the wider angle before.. and honestly i know my vision is still more limited then it will be in another six months from now… that’s why it’s fun to continue to explore my imagination… geesh! I don’t even know what I left off on with this subject.. let me see where I was so I don’t repeat myself too much.. lol… Oh my goodness… this is crazy… I lost most of my post… shit… that was some good shit that going down.. lol.. well.. I’ve been at this for hours… and I thought I was going to be finishing up soon… I cannot rewrite all that information… but I’m not sure what’s been going on lately with this Journal… lol.. it seems that most of the information I’m typing is really for me to process and I guess it doesn’t necessarily have to be shared. Maybe… I’m coming to an end of this process style. I’m excited what comes out by doing this… I’d highly recommend for people to try this out. Journaling is really good, but to public journal without filters as much as possible… has really creates a situation that can help us level up… lol… alright well this is a sign for me to go to bed… I want to rest. I still cannot believe I lost all that content… lol.. oh well what is.. is… aright until next time then.

Well shit… shit hit the fan between —— and I… and it was not good. Not sure how to start it… I’m relaxed now, but man… I couldn’t stop myself… even in the middle of the argument I was thinking to myself having devotion and it wasn’t stopping me… well.. let’s process this a little further… I came back to mention this at the beginning… this is my Journal and I find it beneficial to purge… my purging is not intended to demonize anyone… no one is right or wrong… we are where we are… I find purging helps me think things out in a different way then just observing my responses during times of stress… I love —— but we do have our ups and downs… when I find myself purging it’s usually when it’s the times of the downs… but the main parties involved… me specifically, can say for myself I’m not proud of what happened… and I don’t want to continue doing it in this manner… so I’m hoping the purging process helps me see different options possibly. Please realize the parties involved will have our own interpretation of why this happened. So if we find at anytime where we might say this person is right and that person is wrong… just remind ourself from a different perspective.. this person is wrong and that person is right… I can only try to emphasize… I’m really trying to call out my own bullshit in this Journal then calling out others… I’m still trying to see all the bullshit that is in me… so again… —— all of them are amazing people and we are just trying to figure out for ourselves what works for us and what we want to continue to work on. I’ve already been purging to —— who was able to purge out himself which was good. So first of all we decided to go out to dinner. We were all good… ordered our food… and —— was showing an instagram story when she and her —— went to Walt Disney world and the Star Wars area… well the governor of Florida and Walt Disney corporation became the topic. People were saying their opinions about Disney… and then this movie came up… I’m not even sure what it’s called… let me find it… called Strange World was brought up. They didn’t like that one of the main characters was gay. ——admitted that the story wasn’t even about that, but when it was one of the first things that was mentioned… —— was worried that was what the movie was going to be about… they didn’t expect Disney to have a movie dealing with that… well it wasn’t about that… and they said they were nervous throughout the movie and thought if it comes up again or if looks like that’s what the storyline’s going to move towards then they’ll probably go ahead and pick up and leave… they didn’t have to leave because again that wasn’t the point of the movie. Nothing happened that time… I just laughed at ——because that’s a psychological move for the creators for people who are uncomfortable about homosexuality… they’d be focusing more on that fact then being able to watch what the real message was… but nothing went far into conversation. I have to say I like animated movies/cartoons.. there was a time I was trying to create flip books to create animation at a time… I thought that might be something cool to do… but anyway I still watch animated movies…. So one day my dad asked if there’s anything I want to watch. I asked if we can check out the Disney channel and see what movies I haven’t watched yet. My dad watches the Star Wars stuff so he has the channel… but I saw Strange World and I thought well let’s give it a go… let’s see what they were talking about. And yes it was mentioned but it wasn’t a big deal… but personally I liked the message of the movie. Spoiler alert if anyone wants to see it… but in my opinion… it was about how many worlds are interconnected… the people on this planet found this neon electric green plant and found a way to create energy with it. So the planet transformed with all this abundance of electricity to where they had flying cars and just more technological advances because of this discovery. The boy who is one of the main characters who they were mentioning.. but his dad and his grandad were also main characters. His grandfather was an explorer… grandfather took his son (the dad) who was young on his adventures. They were trying to cross I cannot remember but it was like the mountain which could not be crossed… it was like the end of their world… the grandfather wanted to make it to the other side, but when they got close is when the son and the other explorers found the plant. The son who is now the dad was asking the grandfather if it’s necessary to make it to the other side or not? Why don’t we just take our discovery back to the city and see what we can do with it. The grandfather couldn’t stop… so he continued to try to get to the other side… while his son and the other explores took some of the plants back to the city… years later that young son is now a farmer who farms this new electric plant and he has a son now… The whole city idealizes the grandfather for being an amazing explorer and has a statue made of him… but after the dad’s discovery of the plant… they made a statue out of him too. Now the son who is younger… seems to have more traits like his grandfather the explorer. The dad started noticing something going wrong with the electric plants… as if something was destroying it or at least the power wasn’t maintaining… and they needed to find out why that’s happening… they built this world dedicated to this technology and no one wanted to adjust their lifestyles so they had a group to go back to the edge of the world which the dad and the son was part of… plus more. They got to the other side of the mountain and found themselves in a completely different world with new plants and new animals… when they were looking around they noticed there were a few creatures who seemed to not like their presence and they considered them the bad guys, these creatures. And they also noticed that these creatures seems to be attacking the electric plants, so the people were looking at the creatures as bad guys… near the end of the movie it was getting dramatic because it was like the electric green plants had a central location and it was forming around a large form and the people thought that’s where they would have to have their last stand against the bad creatures who were focusing their attention to get rid of the green plants there. The young son had an argument with his father and so he went out on his own… the son seem to be realizing that something doesn’t feel right… so he continued to again the edge of this world and when he got to the other side… he came across a huge eye… it clicked then to him… that the strange world and his world was just a small part of a huge world… in this instance an entity… again he realized… that what they used for their technology these green electric plants were actually killing the huge entity… it was like a cancer.. and the bad creatures… were like the white blood cells battling the infection.. and when they first arrived the bad creatures saw them as an unknown source which might cause harm so they wanted to get rid of the source before it caused a threat. So the end… the father had to choose whether he wanted to continue his legacy with being a farmer of the green electric plants and only live a short existence… or would he choose to protect the huge entity who is dying from those same plants… which allows everyone whichever world they live in to continue living… so their emergency and dyer situation to save their technology wasn’t as a large concern than the bigger picture of destroying all of the worlds… which in my opinion why they had the brief moment of introducing a hero who happens to be gay. It wasn’t really a large concern than the bigger picture. Honestly I didn’t even see it as a concern, but I knew they did… but in my mind I was like… if you watched the movie you could literally put yourself in a similar comparison with the heroes. None of them were bad people… they were just doing what they were drawn to do, but sometimes their decisions to do what they feel is right… isn’t the best decision for the whole. Again I know my opinion is not the only one and I’m just purging in my Journal… but in my opinion… they missed the point of the movie. In fact they said they didn’t like it tonight… and I don’t care really if they like it… it wasn’t the best movie I’ve ever seen or anything, but I did like the psychology that was being shown. Lol… actually I’ve used this analogy several times through the years… I’ve always tried to tell people it’s like we are organisms living inside a body.. we might not know what all other organisms are out there.. and what they’re doing to support the body to function, but we could be the cancer that’s going to destroy everything around it not knowing it’s going to destroy us along with it too… if we don’t be conscious of it. Mostly that comes up with environmental issues. But my opinion is changing a little bit… at least out of desperation… lol… I know in my experience the realization of everything working out exactly as it should… it’s actually a very perfectly imperfect reality… lol… that’s when I’m talking to humans or the egos of us… but honestly its just a perfectly perfect reality… lol… we already continue to make changes that’s best for the whole… regardless of what we think as an ego separate from the whole, but anyway let’s get back to it. Ok… I thought I was going to post this, but I think I’m going to adjust it a little.. instead of stating who I’m talking with I”m going to use random — to label one character to the other… I’m going to start from the beginning and I can keep myself in here… but I technically didn’t ask permission from anyone else to discuss this topic. So sorry I’m not sorry that is might get confusing… it’s a purging process and to help eliminate and judgements except for myself… i think this will be better. Shoot I”m going to edit quite a bit out… I needed to purge and so I went on and on, but again… I don’t have permission to air all of this out.. so I”m going to see what I can remove so it’s not so personal for them. —— was getting upset because he feels like Disney doesn’t have to shove it into the public face about homosexuality. He said that not everything needs to be addressed in cartoons and it doesn’t need to be Disney’s choice to share this and it also led to the schools and their approach either. I said… sometimes people who aren’t accepted or understood likes to be represented for the public to see us… because we are here and we can be accepted too. Well… he started going deeper into homosexuality… he said he finds it everywhere…. He continued to mention how it’s everywhere… and I asked him what he means? Are you saying you watch it on the news or something? And he said no… it’s mostly in their schools. His oldest son used to have a really good friend and this year she wanted to change her name and wants to be addressed as the masculine. I asked him… are they still friends? I asked do you still talk to the friend? He responded by saying no… she’s not anything anymore to him… he said if she wants to be weird, then she can continue to be weird over there… I did find myself chuckling because I just couldn’t believe —— felt that way. He has been so open-minded growing up… but I’m realizing who he was is not exactly who he really was and who he is now. But i did say.. she’s still the same friend… she’s still cool and fun… she just doesn’t want to be a she anymore… can that be ok to allow her to do that? And the answer was… was she making those decisions based on her own feelings? Or was she making those decisions based on society influencing her? I’d say it’s both really… but again… do I feel if she goes with the changes to become a he… then that’s the change one is making… it’s a serious decision… he’s young and he wants to explore the masculine side of who he is… and I feel and hope that he doesn’t lose the feminine side of who he is either. That’s the thing I enjoy… is understanding that Society in the first place makes a distinction of what’s a Man and what’s a Woman… I’ve mentioned this myself… I wanted to be androgynous… because I just wanted to be me… and if people labeled me being too boyish then I let them… it wasn’t going to stop me from doing things I enjoyed doing. I also mentioned to him… that there’s a pendulum always swinging… and the pendulum is mostly making drastic shifts as it swings back and forth and eventually it’s slowing down and to where it doesn’t have to be so drastic… and that’s in our personal and collective level. I said you think it’s in your face all the time and it’s everywhere… well eventually if it’s there long enough… it will be normalized to where it’s not affecting your reality so much. And that’s when he said… this shouldn’t be normal… we can have disagreements and not be hateful about it… to me… I’m ok with our differences… i might be shocked to hear his honesty just because i thought he would be more accepting of others but I don’t hate him for having that opinion. I told him… it’s what happens from generation to generation… older generation mostly didn’t talk about their feelings or emotions… they were conditioned to a degree where they don’t exist… lol.. I’m being very black and white because I’m using language and that’s how we can easy-ish-ly communicate and understand… with our generation… we know the existence of feelings and emotions, but how do we express them or process them? I can say that I would bottle up my emotions… first of all it wasn’t like that was the thing to do was to talk about these things… I knew they were there but I didn’t want to share it but then I couldn’t ignore they were there and affecting my behaviors. I started to share but it was easier-ish to express happier ones… when it came to ones that were uncomfortable or say negative ones… then they weren’t expressed until I snap under pressure… not healthy and I know this… and I’ve been finding my way to understand healthier ways to do this. But the younger generations like his children… they have been taught earlier on to not ignore or suppress emotions… but to voice them… Now they are voicing them… our generation and older generations are out of our comfort zones now.. oh hell… how do I respond to their feelings and emotions? I’m not used to sharing especially at their ages… thankfully I have been working on them.. so yes I’m one who supports them to express… I’ve done some of that work and I’d like them to not be struggling as long as I struggled… and they are teaching me to grow. his oldest son was the one to make the decision whether he wanted to continue a relationship with him or not… but because he is being influenced by the opinion of his parents… was it really —— decision? Or now does he feel like he has to make a decision to make sure it conforms to his parent’s wishes? That’s a tough decision.. and there’s not a right or wrong answer… but I’d hope —— would make the decision based upon how they treat each other and whether they reciprocate mutual friendship towards one another… not making a decision because he doesn’t want to look bad to his parents. Which is happening to the friend and every child and mostly everybody. So this was already triggering me… I’ve been struggling with ——… to be accepted. Right… she doesn’t approve of my choices in life.. she won’t have a conversation about what choices those are… because I cannot get her to actually have a deep conversation with me. She just has her opinion about me and that’s good enough… I’ve been reaching out to her to not ignore the elephant in the room… and in my opinion it’s our differences in the approach to our spirituality. I do not hate her choices… in fact… I haven’t even heard what her spirituality is… She can say she’s Christian, but many of the people I know are Christian.. and they have different approaches and understanding of what that is for them. I can only assume what her definition of God is… just by the few pieces she shares or showing her frustration out on FB about it. But those few instances doesn’t really give me what she really feels and knows. When we were arguing she was saying I’m hateful… Of course I was reactive and said how am I the hateful one? I’m the one trying to see that maybe we can be accepting of people’s differences… I’m trying to include people not exclude people because we have different lifestyle choices… just because we accept doesn’t mean we have to become the people… we just be us and let them be too… we all just want to be… and I asked her what does your God feel? Do you think your God would hate homosexuals? I think we agree that God is everything.. so how are homosexuals not God too? God creates everything… do you think he made a mistake creating homosexuals? I asked her… what if I’m a homosexual? lol.. which really isn’t a good point… she doesn’t need any more reason to dislike me.. and one of —— came out and she literally doesn’t want to do anything with him anymore. So I know what she would do… but in my mind is I’d hate to see what happens if one of their children finds they are interested in their own gender… geesh… that’s why it’s such a big issue now.. people don’t want to go through all the negative shit they put themselves through and what others put themselves through either. That’s the fucking point… lol… it’s gotten to a point where the pendulum has drastic swung to show us… this is something to look at.. the collective hasn’t had the healthiest approach to dealing with these challenges.. and so the collective tries to do the complete opposite…. If it didn’t work this way then we have to do something completely different… well… eventually it will normalize and balance out… lol… right by the time our generation is gone in the physical… there will be more of the collective that was used to expressing.. well… because we’ve influenced so much.. it may be more accurate to say by the time his son’s generation is gone in the physical… that there will be a better collective to express themselves. I’d hope by then no one feels they have to defend themselves with whatever their personal decisions are… especially sexual… in my opinion how is someone’s choice to be attracted, to love, or take someone to the bedroom my business? Lol.. well… lol… i might be interested if I can learn so fun stuff to try myself with my partner… but really I feel I’d just like to explore with my partner unabashed. If we want to try things out… we’ll see if we want to continue or not… lol.. anyway This was going on in the restaurant… we definitely were raising our voices to each other… —— wanted to leave.. so she got up and none of us was expecting it to escalate to where it did and she was apologizing to the other patrons as she was leaving. The waitress said that she’s gong to leave so she will remove her dinner.. but we said to make it and we’ll take it to go. By that time it was only ——, ——, and I sitting on one side of the long table… and everyone else had moved to the other side of the table… —— and I continued the conversation… and he said… it is getting to the point where he wants to fight too… He feels like his kids and himself doesn’t need to have issues being forced down their throats. And it’s not only sexuality he doesn’t feel comfortable with when it comes to his school, but also how the teachers are building their relationships with the kids now. He said they ask the children how they’re feeling and wants to know more about what’s going on in their homes…. It’s getting to a point where he feels the schools are trying to get the children to go against their parents and he doesn’t feel this is right. I told him… he doesn’t have to take this personally… if you’re relationship is open with his children then they won’t be as easily influenced by their teachers… can there be a chance that there are some kids that aren’t living in a stable home environment and wants to find safety somewhere.. and wants an adult to know there is something wrong in their home environment… again.. I’m not saying what they are doing is right or wrong but I can understand that some kids may benefit for someone reaching out to help… when they don’t have anyone in their family who wants to help them. I told them… schools psychology has been changing… the examples —— had given about the way it was when we were in school that teacher-student relationship wasn’t that way… I said mostly because they thought to make a good citizen is to focus on making us worker bees… learn what you’re going to do as a job for society..even if we don’t enjoy it… and even if it makes us mentally or physically ill. We know how much mental illness is running amuck… so they are trying to figure away to help… they are trying what they know how to do.. and honestly it’s new to address this issue.. relatively new… and so the pendulum is drastically swinging… if we want changes we start somewhere and what we get stuck doing is going too long in that direction even when we see that the solution could be adjusted… to possibly be better, but we don’t know unless we make adjustments again… we don’t have to be fixed to a one solution fits all… at all times of time… lol I feel that’s what’s happening with my relationship with ——… I felt with our history I try different approaches… and then I try something else and now there’s got to be another switch. Let’s give more details… well.. let’s continue with the night real quick… eventually the restaurant just asked us to take it all to go.. I said aloud that I was sorry but I know there’s got to be a larger conversation that needs to take place… I’m just trying to figure out how we can come to a reasonable agreement. I know what she wants is for me to just behave… do and think the way she wants me to… but I cannot accept that… believe me… that was my approach to just ignore my feelings and restrict my behavior and conversations when it comes to her… and really everything would be the same except when spirituality comes up… do I watch myself… its like a big warning siren going on in my head… ok this is something I cannot address.. this is something we do not agree on… change the subject… address briefly to respond to them but bring up an interesting topic that’s more fun to talk about. But as I was leaving… I was already feeling bad that it got that far out of hand… and I did want to apologize to her. She was sitting in the vehicle and I knocked on the window… I knew she was upset and I could’ve guessed her reaction, but I told her through the window that I’m sorry we let this get this far… I don’t hate you and I really wish we can have a conversation. She obviously didn’t want to engage with me and was yelling at me to get out of there. To be honest I don’t know what she said to trigger me again… i feel it was just the fact she was yelling that got me to react in a yelling match back at her. She got out of the car and we were face to face with each other… and yes we were aggressive with our language.. there were times where I’d back away and then I’d find myself stepping right back up to her… we are both very strong women and we don’t cower away and we defend ourselves… well she got to the point where she pushed me… and I was like really? You want to fight me? And she was ready to… —— had to step in between us… I told her go ahead and fight me.. I have no desire to physically fight you… I don’t hate you and i don’t want to harm you… but don’t get it wrong… I was definitely up in her face.. by that time she was calling me the devil… I said that’s not why I’m mad because I think you’re my enemy… I want for you to accept me even if we don’t agree.. i don’t see this as the worst thing to happen… it’s showing us there’s unresolved issues that needs to be addressed. I don’t want the solution to be oh… let’s just ignore it happened… I want to have a conversation… not this style of conversation… but where we are both calm and know when we’re going to get together and talk we’re going to be emotional but it’s not to attack and separate but to get a better understanding of where we are coming from to better accept to eventually be united. And I remember she brought up a conversation about prayer. She said I asked them why do they pray to Jesus when they don’t know him? I emphatically told her that that would not be something I would say to them… first of all… I don’t like talking to spirituality with them because i know you don’t want me to… I wish it could be out in the open with all the differences of opinions of what spirituality can be with people, but I know that’s your sore spot and so I don’t stay on the topic long and try to change it. I said yes, I have a different opinion about prayer… not that they shouldn’t be praying to Jesus at all, but that there really doesn’t have to be specific times to pray… we’re actually praying at all times… God doesn’t wait for you to specifically pray and ignore every moment until you specifically pray to listen… God is present at all times… listening at all times and it’s not just words spoken out loud, but thoughts being thought, and what’s being spoken from our bodies and hearts and everything… God is always present. I laughed because… right now… I told her we are talking to God right now… I don’t see God not being present at this moment… lol.. that’s probably the moment where I started thinking about being a bhakta and devotion, but again.. I just was deeply into the moment to be able to back away… I asked do you think God is listening right now? And she said she would never talk to God this way… but she did pray when she got into the car… I asked her if God is always present? And she said yes I know I am a part of God and he’s with me always… and that’s when I looked at her… he’s always listening.. this is why I say that prayer is happening always. And that’s when I mentioned to her about her reaction to when I messaged that to her the last time we got into an argument over text. I told her I try to express my spiritual views and the way she responded was she laughed at me with an emoji. So yeah when I saw that was her response… I stopped the communication. But then she said oh you want to bring up our last text conversation… She said I was being rude… and I said about what? But again… we have to instigate each other… and she finally said that she cannot stand that all I want to do is teach… that stunted me for a few moments. There were many ways I wanted to respond… and I know she knows that I look at her as a teacher which she truly is one of my greatest teachers… and she doesn’t really know what I’m saying… that’s what I try to explain to her if she’d give me any time… she triggers me the most and she shows me how much I’m able to embody messages of love and acceptance or not and bullshitting myself… she’s the one that showed me that there was something still wanting to be accepted… which I consider her to be… I really would like to just be accepted… I don’t want to have to pretend I’m someone because who I am in not acceptable. She brought up our last text saying that I’m trying to cause drama… I said I’m not trying to bring up drama.. I’m trying to bring up unresolved issues that needs to be addressed to continue healthier and stronger relationships. This conversation led me to looking at ——… and I was like.. you know —— this would be a good time to voice your opinion… she literally thinks all I do is hate on her when we talk… is that the case? Or am I trying to get you to understand that there doesn’t have to be a problem communicating… and of course —— couldn’t say anything and I already didn’t like putting him on the spot and so we continued…but I did address it when we were by ourselves… I said that would’ve been a good opportunity because she keeps telling everyone that I’m trying to separate and cause drama… I wasn’t saying you had to go into your feelings at that time.. because it obviously wasn’t a good time for any of us to be sharing at that state… just would’ve been nice to not have to tell her how much I’m working behind the scenes for you and her to like each other… trying to convince ——really not our enemy. But then she said that we never liked her… she didn’t know why I didn’t like her in the first place. And I shouldn’t have went there, but i did. I said I thought at the time you weren’t good enough for ——.. I thought you had mental issues you were going through that I thought you’d affect —— in a negative way. And she wanted details… I feel like I’m not enforcing enough… that this is a Journal that I purge my thoughts in… I’m not trying to get anyone to demonize anyone… if you want to demonize anyone… demonize me… I’m ok with that… I’ve already mentioned that if I’m the trigger then that’s who I am at the time… triggering for me is helpful… and it was what happened so that’s what is supposed to happen… so again… anything I’m discussing here is not to say I’m right and they are wrong.. I’m just trying to process out what I’m not seeing correctly and how to make different decisions so we can break this cycle… this is something I don’t want to continue.. in fact I’m glad that I mentioned this because I think everyone is getting the point as we can all see… it’s still a work in progress. And so I feel like I’m going to stop purging… and start processing a different approach. So at first I just plain didn’t like her, and so there was only a few times where we engaged. throughout this time we’d still have clashes and disrupt in this manner. When I came back from the first round of ceremonies.. so let’s just say that stupid approach I started with , just plain not liking her, was for 10 years… again I didn’t realize at that time I was just completely unconscious. After the first round let’s say I started to increase my consciousness a smidgen… and I approached her saying I don’t want to continue to have this style of relationship… I’d like for us to actually get to know each other… as if we have a clean slate… lol… I keep using that as an example, but as we can see… it’s never been a clean slate…lol.. but make our judgements from here on out. And we did better for years we did better, but I also knew that I had to be someone different to be accepted and I was thinking at the time that I’m going to swallow my pride and take it up the butt, because however the rules are going to be on me… ultimately I want to have time and build a relationship. I came back after my last round of ceremonies and let’s say i increased my consciousness a smidgen more.. and I remember when I was driving back with my dad we were having a conversation about being excited to see everyone. I really didn’t care about visiting with everyone else.. I wanted to spend time with my family… I really miss everyone. … and just an example that she wants me to work at a coffee shop she likes. I started laughing… I said I didn’t come back to work at a coffee shop… lol.. I don’t even drink coffee… I don’t know the differences in coffee… when i drank, i drank it black… and I don’t usually promote daily caffeine intake… that’s like asking me to work as a bartender… I was like that’s very unlikely, but I didn’t think that would really be a big deal. We went to the coffee shop together and I couldn’t find anything to drink.. and asked for a fruit drink which they fortunately had. I told her that I’m not really interested in working here… plus I don’t really want to commute back and forth especially for this position… I did already find a construction-ish job in Indy that seems to be more my style and I’ll learn things that I find interesting and could help me out eventually. Well again.. I wasn’t going to meet their expectations of what they wanted me to do because they thought it was going to make me happy. I appreciate that, but I’m pretty good at finding happiness in my own way. I wasn’t coming back for them to tell me what’s good for me… as if I’m unhappy… I’m coming back to integrate and spend time with my family. That’s my focus. And during the integration process did I become honest with myself. I’m tired of not being accepted for who I am… to anyone family included… I’m not a bad person… I’m a person learning and I’m learning to be… and that’s more important for me… is to stop thinking about what others think of me to decide who I have to be for that person. I just really want to be me. Also in the integrations process I started to really get a grasp of different levels of consciousness… again through my understanding of the spiritual development of the psyche… is I’m trying to get away from survival mode… I don’t want to separate myself from my surrounding because I think the my surroundings are going to harm me or out to get me. I used Maslow’s Pyramid of Hierachy of Needs when I first started self-help even when I didn’t realize I was on a spiritual path… I tried several approaches… that’s why I was desperate enough to go to Aya for the first time… I didn’t know what else to try and I knew this was a completely different approach and I was drawn to give it a try. So anyway… I see that —— is not approaching her spirituality in this manner… which is fine… she has her own way.. but in my understanding she’s deeply involved with being in the survival mode… she and her family is fighting the world because the world is trying to influence them to do bad things and she needs to protect her family from everyone. It was only a few months ago that I was thinking that maybe her walls are completely up and built from brick and mortar… there’s no way to have a deep conversation with her. She’s not interested at all… and again… I can apply this to many other people.. at least more aware that when those walls are up.. there’s no use to try because I was just going to waste all my energy and time trying… keep your energy and time and wait to see when the walls come down a little or at least made of sticks instead… that allows a little peek hole of possibly considering to hear one another. And have a more likely opportunity for deeper conversations. but again… I have mentioned that maybe I should distance myself more again… not that I want to, but because I feel like it would be healthier for my mental health. Right now it’s very fresh for me to tell people I apologize but I just want to continue to be in isolation and process and integrate… I’m not wanting to be around too many people for long periods of time… I’m learning how to be comfortable saying it and also comfortable with the responses I receive and watching my response to their response… I want to continue to observe how I am responding… in fact I”m going to go back and remind readers… that I’m using the Journal to purge and this happens to be a purge I’m doing now… but it’s not to demonize anyone… or for people to choose sides… no one is right or wrong here… it’s just the style of purging that I’m doing not only to help myself… but also might give insights for others who want them. But I don’t know if literally am going to remove myself right now. Especially after this night… I’d hate to leave it like that. I know I was trying to emphasize to —— that I hope we can find time to have a conversation… he didn’t even know what to talk about… and I told him the issue I see is spirituality. There’s a misunderstanding of our definitions of spirituality… which I don’t think will be too crazy far off, but because it’s not exact it’s causing an issue. He seemed to understand what I was trying to address… and he nodded as if he agreed. That’s pretty much how I ended it… I don’t want to continue ignoring unresolved issues… I want to address them. If we’re not ready to address them.. then it’s not time to resolve or heal… it’ll just be a fresh wound… I know they don’t want to continue to be like this together… all I got to say… this should actually grown them together… even if I’m the enemy at least their bonds will strengthen by having a shared enemy.. so that’s what I’m saying… me triggering is helping in ways for us all. … and I’m not helping in the way I thought I was helping… goodness… I keep seeing the pendulum… I’m trying not to swing too drastically…lol… I know I want to only in one manner… the other manner is there is a smaller move that I’m not seeing right now. I’m like why don’t I just suck it up and be who they want me to be… that would be a solution… but who is it benefiting? Well… after tonight there is so much more damage control and I don’t know how everyone is going to respond… I cannot guess… and a part of me is like… am I doing this on purpose? Am I trying to distance myself? Hell couldn’t I have done that in a different manner… why did it have to go down soooo drastically? I desire to tie up loose ends… that’s just seeing what unresolved issues are there and address them. I keep thinking that a solution can be done, but maybe there doesn’t have to be a solution at this time? I hope that’s not the case. I already messaged —— to apologize how disrespectful I was and I directly asked and will continue to ask (not now, but in the future)… is there a way to have a conversation to heal… at least start the healing process. I messaged —— to apologize and also —— too. I know even though we are frustrated and shocked from what went down… but they will continue to work from where we are. Ok… i’m getting tired… I can feel a little drained and I just want to relax… until next time So just in case this was a little confusing… I had originally wrote this all out with much details and names… I noticed that I was purely purging every detail out, but those details were not only mine… there was information about the parties involved which I felt didn’t need to be published… I did need to purge for myself, but the world doesn’t need to know all those details about the parties involved… the ones I left I felt could be applicable to many people… so I went back up and started editing out the information. While I was editing… I was reading it without the names and all the personal details.. it was quite obvious to me how I would respond in this situation with most people… I definitely would see it’s time to create that space and distance. That will accomplish more than the battle. I want to continue these relationships, but different relationships mature differently and at different rates… when it’s in a battling situation… we’re not likely to find solutions… we’ll always be looking for reasons to continue the battle. Time will heal this wound. And we’ve got plenty of it… I”m unable to find a solution right now… not because I want to give up and avoid it… it’s because I’m not ready to find a healthy solution that would be successful. And I’m obviously not ready. And if I can give my mind some space from it… it’s not like I don’t think about stuff… lol… but eventually another chance for a different approach will come. So good… I thought I didn’t know what the healthiest choice was right now… but going back and editing it and created a non attachment manner by removing names and personal details… it just felt like holy shit… what is there to question about… this isn’t working in the conscious state we are in… so ok… maybe my higher self was setting me up, but for the good… even though some may questions how I can consider this good… well… it just is… lol… ok… it’s light out and I still want to sleep. Again… until next time. That reminds me… I tried to write last night but I was struggling to figure out where the direction of thought was going and I went to another site to paste and everything was deleted. So instead of trying to attempt a second time… I just said it’s a good night to rest… lol.. ok