withinUverse

good morning… got some good sleep and feel good to head out today. I wanted to continue a little more about the breath work… I used a form of yogic breath while I was hiking. I know I’m not in the shape I’d like to be physically and I don’t have much experience hiking with gear and equipment. So when we were hiking especially up hills I would start focusing on my breath… this would help me not focus on the struggle I could be feeling of carrying my weight and my bags weight up climbs. I also just trying to keep up. I had people mention they didn’t realize I was struggling while we were hiking and I was keeping up with everyone, but the reason they didn’t realize this because the struggle wasn’t as present when I was focusing on my breath. There were a few times where we were in the canyons… granted we had only day packs on but in these exciting environments I didn’t have to do any breath work because I was more interested in exploring and embracing the moment. I wanted to mention that the hiking boots I had purchased was from a second hand store; however, they seemed pretty new and not as broken in as desired. I knew this going in. It wasn’t surprised when I started to get blisters on my feet. Mainly on both feet they were forming under my big toes and slightly on the outside of the feet. My left foot also had a blister forming on the pad. We would do medical checks and when people noticed these blisters they were concerned and asked if these were hurting. They were not and even though they were growing I was confident they would be ok. And they were… now that I’ve had a few days off during my break the liquid has disappeared and nothing popped. They’re back to normal and I’ll see how they do this week. I wanted to address the smoking situation as well. It was surprising that I didn’t have any issues. While I was in the wilderness I was so focused in being in the moment that I didn’t have a desire to smoke. Once in awhile I’d check in with myself to see if there was any desire to smoke, and no the desire did not exist out there. Now when we returned back to base and I’ve had days off… I do find that I still smoke at times. I’m glad at my relationship right now. It’s good to know I won’t be struggling without it and I feel eventually on my days off I’ll find I don’t continue to have that desire, but however long that takes I’m ok with that. Again my goal is to be more conscious with my relationship with tobacco. There was a trainee who brought up the desire to smoke and I happened to mention how I want to diet tobacco and it has helped me in different situations in ceremony. She admitted that tobacco has helped her as well. So… yeah wanted to address that. There was a situation where it was a bit odd… I found myself telling a fib… hehe… we were playing a game of Dogs and there was a time I was running from the hacky sack being thrown at me. I thought it went through my legs and didn’t make contact, but everyone said that they heard it… and so I said ok… I’ll go into voltereta mode. Then the instructor said that it’s up to me whether I feel it hit me of not. I said well… I didn’t really feel like it hit me so I’ll continue to play. And I feel that some of the trainees thought I was lieing. And for some reason I was ok with the fact they thought I was… it did get me to question whether I was as well.. but it didn’t really bother me regardless if I am or not… lol… it wasn’t a big deal but I overheard a few comments after that interaction that implied they were uncomfortable for me to continue playing. The next day we were all playing again and this is when I started to actually play… lol… they were like holy shit where did this come from. They’re like she’s a sleeper she’s been playing us the whole time… I chuckled and said that I enjoy having people take me for granted… I said it under my breath but it true. And I’m not a hacky sack player but when I get some time and repetition I pick it up and it’s not just hacky it’s throwing and catching as well… which I have a lot of muscle memory with… hehe. We had the last play before we were heading back to camp and the last play I ended up faking everyone out and got the instructor who’s really good. He was laughing because he said he was so shocked that I faked the throw that he didn’t expect me to throw it at him… we all were chuckling. I’m hoping there are other games to learn and play while we are out there. I’ve sent emails to different staff such as HR, manager, and events coordinator… I was trying to see if I could just email pdf for all the certificates and pics of my identification instead of bringing hard copies. I’ll be leaving here soon so I guess I’ll just bring them with me. The manager I was wondering if I could just join the group with the carpooling gentleman who is taking and hopefully bringing me back so it would be easier to coordinate transportation. There’s supposed to be an app to use to update hours worked which I haven’t gotten the link or name. I’m hoping to include four days of work to be included with this first check even though im out in the field. I’ve heard there are staff who keep their phones on them, so I’m thinking I’ll be doing the same thing for submitting days worked. I probably won’t need to after this, but this first check will be helpful to get as much as I can since I’m down to a very small amount. Help establish a base to work with. And the events coordinator I saw there’s a free family climb day coming up on the 11th of November. I was wondering if I could bring my roommate and her daughter since I don’t have I’m educate family here in Utah and I’m trying to build a family connection with them. I’m scheduled to work that day but I also wanted to see if we could arrange a few hours away to join or at least allow me to invite my roommate and daughter to give as a gift for helping me with my buddy, Elvis. I like to see how the company will respond to different requests. There’s an organized chaos that seems to be going on at base… I’m trying to get my bearings. It actually won’t be bad to have a half day there today to see what I can figure out. I’m thinking I can do quite a bit of studying while I’m there as well… we’ll see. Ok.. the daughter is trying to get my attention and I’ll give her some before I head out. Until next time… ,

So I want to write a little more today… I won’t really have the time to write as much and there’s just going to be more to journal about so I’ll just go ahead and do what I can now. So… the first thing that keeps coming up in my head is my desire to want to go all in. This is usually my tendency but I’m trying to reign myself in. I have to continue to remind myself that this is not my company… as much as I want to see if there are opportunities to make something that is working well… to work even better… hehe. I guess I cannot help myself. First of all there is a lot that I really love about this program and I know there’s a lot that’s already going to help me learn in areas I’d like to build. I’d like to be more assertive and concise. A lot of this program is to feel our feelings and learn how to express them. The ones listening aren’t trying to fix the emotions we’re feeling but they are confirming that they hear what we’re thinking and feeling… and it’s up to us to work out what these feelings are doing for us. I love this concept and I also know I have the tendency to try to fix it though too. If we have a suggestion we have to approach it in a manner to ask questions to steer the thought as a potential idea that was created by the person expressing. Does that make sense? Especially with one’s who have limited life experience. hehe… it’s a bit funny because I’m thinking that I write in this journal more than I actually write… I seem to want to write in here more than I have been. I feel this position will encourage me to express a bit more. Well we’ll see if that will be the case. There seems to be an idea that comes to mind and I don’t really know if it’s the case or not. I don’t know why I feel like I’m out of place with the coworkers. Not all of the time with everyone… but for some reason I feel like I might not be allowing these people to get to know me. There’s things in play where I feel I should be treading lightly. I know we are not supposed to disclose personal information to the clients, but does that have to apply to the staff? I’ve already met two coworkers in passing who are connected to shamans. One I was having a conversation and he mentioned he does sweat lodges. Of course my ears perk up and I start asking whether it’s open for the public but it’s by invitation only. He gave me the contact information to the shaman he works with who would be the one to make those decisions. I wrote to the shaman today just saying hello and I’m interested in the sweat lodges but I found myself mentioning I’m a shaman in training who works with the Shipibo in the Ucayali region of the Amazonas. I said I moved here for work and so I’ll be focusing on that and that I’ll be working my way to getting a vehicle so I’ll be more available and free to meet, greet, and potentially attend these gatherings. Another coworker who is from Indiana originally and has ties to Colorado as well has a history working with Mayan shamans. I didn’t get the chance to clarify whether she’s been in the Central American region to participate in ceremonies. I know she has found a shaman in Colorado who does have this experience and she said she’d love to share her contact information. She admitted that when she was working in this style of spirituality she found it hard to balance the spiritual practices with the living daily life of an North American resident too. I told her I knew how she felt. She is currently in the field and so I wrote her saying I hope she finds rest after her shift and I’d like to learn more about her experiences and appreciate her sharing her contact’s information. I continue to find myself looking for connections and opening myself to learn new modalities in a variety of spiritual practices. I’ve been interested in what a Mayan shaman would be like. I’m curious what their style of approach to spirituality work looks like. I’m just afraid I’m not really ready to reach out to them because I’m giving a commitment to this position. For some reason I feel like I’m not fully committed yet… I’ve got some skepticism and reservations… is there a reason why? I want to take my time and feel things out, but darn it… I’m also ready to find situations where I really connect as well… so I feel like I’m open to change things up.. hehe. We’ll see how it goes. There seems to be some interesting people involved in this position. I mentioned that there was a few hours in training when some of the owners and therapists came to visit us. So there were three of them. Two were therapist and one was part owner. He has been studying and researching wilderness therapy for twenty years now. The other therapist is the one who is getting his certifications in yoga training… which doesn’t really explain what he works on and what he understands. The third is another owner. He seemed to be the one I was first curious about… in a good way. Not that I’m not interested in picking the minds of the therapists as well.. there just seems to be something about him. There was a curious first encounter when we shook hands and introduced ourselves he seemed to be observing me in a way that made him curious and hesitate to look at me when I said my name… he kind of gave me a look that he might recognize me? Or I thought that maybe they were forwarded the communications the recruiters and trainees were having and maybe he was placing my face and name to the words I had expressed. Of course I have no clue just thoughts that came through. When they were speaking with us. This guy seemed to have a presence as the lead. And I did enjoy the way he carried his conversation, and I noticed there was a bit of a tendency to be more on the masculine side… not exactly toxic that’s not how I’d describe it but… maybe a bit macho, maybe? Again nothing overtly disturbing but in a subtle way it was present. It wasn’t his confidence even though that was obvious but something I cannot put a word to describe it. I’m hoping my vocabulary will develop more in the different emotions I feel. They seem to imply that they are looking for ideas to improve this program, but why do I feel like if anyone presents new ideas that they’re going to want it presented in a manner which will be fact based and I guess in a masculine manner… hehe. There are several part owners and I wonder if I’ll get the chance to meet and speak with them. Hmmm… is there an essence of arrogance in the staff? Is that what I’m getting a whiff of? There does seem to be this essence in the staff that I’ve met. Again not all of them but a fair amount I’d have to admit. Granted I haven’t given any ample time to really get to know anyone in this company… and I’m not necessarily saying this is a bad thing… but I just seem to be getting vibes and I’m trying to figure out what this means to me. I cannot not notice people’s behavior… it’s noticeable… and again the program emphasizing mindfulness, acceptance, and open-mindedness… I’m looking to see how the staff embodies these qualities. I shouldn’t be looking at how the staff embodies these… my focus will be on the way I embody these qualities. I’m bringing myself with me and I understand that I’m going to be setting myself up to really evaluate myself. I’m really looking forward to this. There were a few situations where I found myself laughing at my behavior and response. Again I was struggling to go all in on this program and questioning if the benefits are going to outweigh the challenges. There were the pendants that were being awarded to the attendees. There was only two of us left. I knew that the “empathy” (salamanders) and the “self-control” (shaman) were the two pendants left to give. Originally I thought that it would be cool if they gave me the shaman pendant, but as I thought about it… I figured out of the two of us remaining, I could see they would give me the empathy one instead. I was correct in this line of thought. Many times in my journey it’s easy to see that only people who are on the shamanic path consciously will see who I am and what work I’ve done. People who don’t understand what the word shaman may mean will not be conscious of who a shaman may be like or look like. Even when I read their definition of shaman they were focusing on the thin line of a shaman who will use their power to help heal or help harm; hence the “self-control” association. I haven’t gotten permission from the trainee who got awarded the shaman pendant but I think I can say a little bit because he’s very vocal about his spiritual beliefs. There was a tendency for him to mention it quite often and he was actively working on reigning himself in… in fact I’m curious even more to get to know him. There was a training practice where we were to teach a tool to the training group. The comments I received was how they liked how personal I was with the teaching. I was teaching yogic breath… the shaman trainee I mentioned that in fact he has practiced yoga before because we were working intentionally with our breath from another trainee the day before. Pranayama is a facet of yoga and not just the asanas or body movement or postures which could be linked with our breath. The trainee who taught breath was teaching diaphragm breathing for full breath… his background was in music playing the tuba. I was explaining how amazing it is to get deep exhalations starting with the stomach region but we can also expand the ribs I feel in my back to continue a fuller breath and finish with a little swirling air in our throats. Also trying to get the process even slower than expected. There was a trainee and an instructor who admitted about their anxious nature and suggested to try yogic breath in these moments to relax back into the moment where the anxious thoughts don’t have to be present. Same was implied to the trainee who was having issues with falling asleep. She also was having issues in her bowls but I addressed this to the other instructor who was having obvious issues with his bowl movement and so I demonstrated squatting down puts are body into an instinctual position for the body to be in a position to go number two. While in this position we can practice yogic breath will help massage our internal organs to help promote effective functioning to assist in healthy bowls. So in a short period of time I was trying to demonstrate that my teachings are intentional and personal to help us heal ourselves… it’s subtle and it wasn’t obvious to the instructors that they have a shaman on board who is trying to find a way to connect and help in a subtle manner… hehe… this brings up a conversation with the instructor who was my lead who brought up the constructive suggestion to work on being concise. I appreciated this observation which I felt this position will assist me to develop intentionally and applicable training. He brought up the way I spoke with the group. He wondered why I spoke to everyone individually? Was it because I didn’t know how to be concise with my conversation? I said I wanted to start connecting with the people I’ll be meeting in the training. I could’ve ignored the fact that we’re all reading the conversation without acknowledging anyone. I wanted to acknowledge everyone and start to relate and build rapport and find opportunities to express my curiosities for this position as well. It’s all very interesting, but… I’m getting tired and I’m going to leave it at that for now. Until next time… ,

Alright… so I’m going to have a bit of time this morning. My roommate and her daughter is going to be going to church and I’ll have some time to have some privacy for a little while. I’d been living with my pops for a year but we really enjoy our privacy so there’s a lot of space to think and enjoy… now that I’m sharing a space with a six year old… it’s a little different… hehe… she’s so adorable and sweet but at this age they want all the attention on them. I’m trying to get to know her better but also trying to figure out how I can let her know that she can do things she enjoys which mostly is watching her videos on her phone. She sits there and sings and dances and repeats all the words from the shows she watches. She would love for me to sit there and do the same thing, but I tell her that I’ll check out a few of them to get to know what she likes but I don’t want to watch everything with her. I’d like to have time to do things I want to do as well. My roommate is interesting… I’m not sure how to describe it right now… she has a lot of boss energy I feel. She likes to dominate the conversations and there’s hardly any moments where we just sit with each other. The space has to be filled with conversation. Any time I try to talk about any subject… there’s always an opinion about it and usually a suggestion on how to look at it her way and things I could do better or if I’m talking about someone else… what they could be doing better. I know I’m needing more time to get used to this type of exchange, but it can get a bit draining. Lol… I thought the draining of energy would be from working in the wilderness and working on therapy, but maybe I have this backwards… hehe… maybe I’ll be getting a bit more drained from my days off and I’ll need the wilderness to help rejuvenate my energies. Of course I’m working on how to not get so drained wherever I am… and I’m watching my responses so I know I’m getting triggered in a few situations, but not to the point of explosion or anything… but is that where I’m going towards if I don’t address it early? We’ll see how it plays out. For now I’m really enjoying my time here with them. But something in the back of my mind is also being a bit hesitant whether this situation is going to be the best scenario for me and my little buddy. I know my little buddy really enjoys the space and the attention when I’m away. When I’m here…hehe.. I’m wishing I don’t have as much attention that I’m getting and wanting to find some privacy… hehe… but I am going to be keeping an eye out for possible alternatives that might align a bit better. But I also want to allow time to actually see how our relationships develop and we just started so it’s going to take time to adjust and compromise with one another. Oh wait… I need to do a load of laundry… I got some things at the goodwill outlet that I wanted to wash. I found a ride to work and we’ll be leaving midday tomorrow so I’m not going to have much time. interesting… so I ended up loading my keyboard into the laundry…lol… I’m assuming I was distracted talking with the daughter that I didn’t realize I wrapped it in the bedding. I heard it in the dryer and was like what in the world is that sound? Well… my keyboard was rolling around and I tried to use it and it wasn’t working properly… so I might be looking for another option to use a keyboard. I started looking at my finances right now. I have $77 in my bank and I have $55 in cash… this is tempting I can get it delivered by tomorrow for $50 but I don’t think I need this right away. So I’ll wait until I get my check and see what I’m working with. I might want more time to check my options anyway. It’s not going to be that bad to use the screen at this time. I want to take my iPad out in the field but I cannot allow the clients to see me using it… so it’s going to be a bit tricky but I’d love to be able to log my thoughts down within the morning or at night during sleep time. I’d love to take photos of the desert as well… I’m trying to draw but it’s not doing it any justice which the photos won’t either… but definitely better than my five minute sketches… hehe. well darn it… I was hoping to write a bit but honestly it’s going to take longer than expected and I still have to figure out my packing and studying so… I’m going to post my little video of the picture journal I started during training. I’ve been looking forward to trying to track my adventures in the wilderness through drawing sketches. Haven’t done this style of journaling before and it’s promising. If I was just out by myself I could really get more into it but since it’s my job… my attention is focused elsewhere. Let’s see if I can get the video to post. Ok… until next time , out_2023-10-22-12-38-38_1.mp4

Alright… so I”m sitting on Utah’s public bus 821. I’m heading to my in-class First Aid/ CPR to complete requirement for hire. I had to leave at 6:30 this morning so I can make my 10 am class. I’ll be getting there a bit early but the location I’m at doesn’t have many bus options and run about an hour apart… at least at this time. So I thought the bus was going to drive right by me… well in fact that is what happened… hehe… I was out in the road trying to get it to stop. It I guess did a keep around the block to start it’s shift. I tried to jog and follow it and was like, really? I’m going to have to bribe my roommate to take me to my class or at least my next transportation spot. I was heading back to the original bus stop and then I see the bus coming around the corner… so I ran waving my hands and she stopped. I apologized to her because this is my first attempt for Utah’s public transportation. I didn’t realized she was going to be taking a loop around the block.. hehe.. anyway… I have time so I thought this would be a great time to catch up on what’s been happening. So I traveled to Utah with my pops. We did pretty good at switching off and on and getting rest. I found when we were resting if we went to the back with Elvis that he took the whole ride very well too. Hmmm… it seems like I might’ve written about this already. I’m going to go ahead and jump to the training. So I got a ride from one of the girls who were training with me. She picked me up and it was a 2 hour ride to work. We had a really good vibe off each other right away. She’s 46 and has six children. They all are college age and beyond. She’s got experience with adolescent’s in therapy. She was working at a boarding school which would be an option to go to after a wilderness program. She thought she was moving to Utah for another position but it ended up falling through and someone had referred her to take a look at this program. She actually didn’t end up finishing the training. After the first night she decided this wouldn’t be the time to proceed. She’s recovering from a back injury and sleeping on the ground and feeling claustrophobic in the sleeping bag… wasn’t going to work for her. She was really amazing though and I’d assume if she wanted to return… everyone would benefit from having her as part of the team. I’ve got her contact information and I’ve reached out already, but I want to reach out either tonight or tomorrow to actually get a deeper conversation. I’ve been trying to figure things out still so some things are priority. Once I get this course done, I’ll feel much better. I’m hoping to confirm my carpooling for either Monday or Tuesday will also get me to relax a bit more. I’ve got to remember to check my phone to see where I am on the route. This bus doesn’t have the stops posted or the driver’s not saying the locations so I’m trying to make sure I get off at the correct location. I believe where I’m getting off is going to be possible the last stop of this run, maybe? There’s a Forerunner Train I believe it’s called which is one of the main commuter trains to take north towards Salt Lake City. I purchased a Day Pass, but the Forerunner is an additional charge. If I didn’t use the forerunner it would have added two additional hours to get to the location of the class. So yes paying another $5.50 is going to be worth it and also I wouldn’t have made it on time with the alternative route. So… how do I want to start to discuss the training and the position? I guess I’ll say that there was a good part of me that knew that I wanted this job; however, I was feeling uncertain when I was in training. At least moments of uncertainty. I try to go in to situations without expectations, but some things creep in and I try to keep an open mind. I really was looking forward to conscious conversations. I assumed that the people who are drawn to this type of work would be people like myself. I figured they would be younger but we’d have stories to share and relate to. I was going in knowing that I’d have a few challenges I’d have to face right away. I knew physically when it comes to backpacking with gear and equipment for a few miles… I’d be on the struggle bus a bit. I also knew that I have no formal education in therapeutic practices, and even though I have experience… I’m not a technical person as in using lingo and language. We have intellectuals who are part of this staff which is wonderful, but also a bit challenging because I remember when I used to care about the language, influencers, etc of a subject that I assumed I knew a lot about it mostly because I read about it and knew the key words to say for people to think I knew what I was saying. Well… I’m not that way. The program uses some key words such as mindfulness, acceptance, and open-mindedness. I was curious to see how much development has been working in these areas in the staff to be able to embody and teach to the adolescents. I had the opportunity to meet a few of the partners who own this company and I’m still asking myself… who is actually tying to go deep into these concepts? I met two therapist and one is getting a certificate in yoga… and maybe he’s one to try to discus more in depth of what yoga actually leads to. What does the practice of yoga lead to? And I’m sure most have a Western view but does he have the Eastern view? If so… are they prepared for clients and/or staff who dive deep into the techniques of mindfulness, acceptance, and open-mindfulness? They say they are interested in ideas of trying to make this program the best it can… and change is the promotion they are wanting from the clients and the staff… so I feel change could be entertained for the program as well. I cannot help myself but of course I’d like to present a creative healing section to this program. Oooh… I”m about to my next stop to transfer. I’ll get back on here in a bit. Ok.. that was easy enough… I’m on the FRONTRunner I guess is what’s it called… hehe… I was close. And also the fee was $3 because I have purchased the Day Pass with it. So… ok.. I’ll be on here approximately an hour… I think a little less. Public transportation is a little different from location to location and country to country, but I thought it was interesting that there’s a knocking mechanism to enter onto the train. And yes this has the names of the stations posted. I’m going to Murray Central so I’ll keep an eye out for South Jordan which is the station before it. I saw a gentleman who looked like he might be a staff and confirmed this was the train heading north… even though I pointed in the wrong direction… hehe.. I told him I haven’t gotten my bearings yet.. hehe but he asked where I was going and he said this would be the correct train and I’ll have about ten minutes before it departs. So… I’ll continue on my accounts of the training session. I didn’t know how I was going to discuss and I guess I’m not going to be going in chronological order. I mentioned that I would love to possibly propose a creative healing to this program. I think I want to explore this more… why do I want to propose this as part of the program? Well… I knew this was not going to be exactly my forte of therapy and I’m not familiar with clinical approaches and so I’m open to see what they are working with already. There’s a lot of confidentiality agreements I had to sign and so I’m going to be cautious as to how I discuss my thoughts on what I’ve understood the program to be thus far. So the clients we are working with are adolescent or adults who don’t have an off switch. So many of us can maybe relate in engaging or have engaged in activities where it could be said are not socially acceptable. Example could be using or trying substances say marijuana or alcohol. Many may participate but there is a part of us that regulates the usage and has moments where we can stop ourselves so we can continue our lives in a manner that helps us still live lives which is social accepted. I’ve been told these clients don’t have this regulation developed yet… they go balls to the wall and are unaware of the consequences of living in a manner where there’s no self regulations. Because of this the clients involved in the program is introduced to our program and our number one concern is their safety. They don’t prioritize their own safety which in turn tends to lead them not being concerned with the safety of the community involved in their lives. So in my opinion the program has a lot of masculine love set in play. Majority of the clients and staff are in fact born and identify as males. If people who haven’t read any of my journaling yet… I tend to be more comfortable around males but I did find my femininity wanting to be expressed in this environment. I heard for safety reasons… toughing isn’t allowed. My gut reaction is… wow… how can these clients go into this type of situation for 10 to 14 weeks and not have the opportunity to engage in physical contact as a healing modality? I realize that there could be concerns about fighting or even sexual inappropriateness they are trying to avoid, but to have an absoluteness to this rule seems like it could steer towards unhealthiness. I know when I mention this most people swing their thoughts all the way to assume that I just want to be coddling and hugging these clients all the time, but that is not my intention. I observed the trainees and even the owners had moments where they physically touched the people they were engaged with. Now to be honest I’m not sure if I’m looking at this rule as black and white as well… so I’m open to the idea that I’m not looking at this rule as grey as it might possibly be… but during training this black and white approach is more of what the program likes to stick to. So in the training session there were five of us who made it through the training and our trainers were giving us pendants of accomplishment. I’ll go ahead and mention that I received the “Empathy” pendant which has the symbol of two salamanders. They did a really great job of creating a ceremony to give me this pendent. They knew I was making a picture journal of the experience and so they had us sit in a circle and draw our emotions. I thought wow.. this is pretty cool… I didn’t expect them to do this. So I was drawing my emotions of having a vision in the distance which is my focus… but I was at the opposite end of the page looking towards this vision with some chaotic feelings of uncertainty of how to accomplish the goal… I was questioning if this program would help gain clarity in my journey towards my goal. When they gave us ample time to draw they ended up saying that I was the only one who was drawing my emotions. Everyone else was drawing moments they witnessed or shared with me during the training where I showed my tendency towards empathy. It was really amazing and I was touched by the images I was given. One of the trainers actually recalled a moment where we were engaging in a moment of connection and it stood out to her when I touched her shoulder that she really could see how much I care about people and want to show that I want to share in the emotions being expressed in that moment. Yes… I remember this moment, and I also remember questioning myself if this would be appropriate to actually reach out and place my hand on her shoulder. I found myself questioning many of my actions and conversations because I felt there were so many rules that I didn’t know how to appropriately engage with everyone. But it was interesting that it was the moment of touch that was impactful. When I noticed the owners and therapist who came to talk with us out in the field… they obviously know each other and has established rapport and a relationships with each other and they too found themselves touching each other even if it was in a joking manner. It’s just something that’s natural to our nature. We all know that touching is inherent to the healthiness of conscious beings to develop. I feel if we’re going to be wanting to guide these minds to healthy relationships the idea or rules of touch can be looked at. Again… I know when I brought this up they jumped to the fact that I want to touch all the time but again this isn’t the case. So there were cases where touch seemed to be allowed and not really questioned. There’s a hacky sack game called Dawgs. We played this with our training group, but also when we went to visit an adolescent group, we played again. The majority of the time we were not touching, but there were moments where the competitive nature in some had us touching the people who happened to be in our vicinity. No one seemed to mind and really in this moment of play really got me to feel a bit on the normal side of interacting with everyone. I know I was out of my comfort zone and I felt a little bit uptight because I had a belief that rules and structure is uptight… hehe. Also we found ourselves giving hugs to the trainee who left early… I didn’t hesitate because I was gaining rapport with her in the hours of driving and the day she shared with us. I did feel that some might have felt as if they were uncomfortable giving hugs away so casually… and I thought this would be common, but for me… I felt comfortable. In reality there was one person out of the group that I didn’t really feel we built rapport well enough to share hugs together. But for most of the group… I did to an extent where giving a hug didn’t feel awkward. Again though… there was a moment when we were visiting the adolescents in their camp and I found myself wanting to give a high five to one of them but also being aware whether this is an acceptable move. Out in the wilderness staff and clients are busting. We’re trying to make fires by bow-drilling. One of them has been struggling a bit to get one on his own and he actually did it. And I was excited for him… I didn’t get one on my own yet either.. and I automatically wanted to give him a high five. That little gesture of connection felt important even though we may think it’s such an insignificant gesture. In the wilderness every little detail seems significant. Ok… we’re leaving the South Jordan station. I want to double check where I have to walk to get to my next bus… so I’ll take a break to organize myself. I’m going to be getting fairly close to my destination… so I might be taking a longer break to take my class… was hoping to look for some gear and meet for the witch fest too… so I’ll be back later. Alright… I’m heading to the Goodwill Outlet in SLC. I just finished my in class training and received my card online. The instructor said usually his classes are only two to three people and we had seven which filled up the room. Our 30 minute class took an hour. But I’m glad I was in it because they had medical staff there and so we went ahead and did infant training as a bonus. I took the online class in the info at training as well just because. So… the other trainee who is supposed to be starting on Tuesday with me wasn’t there. I’m almost positive that this was going to be the only in-person class available before we start on Tuesday… but hopefully he’s found an alternative option. I was trying to help him out by sending him information to get signed up, but I got the feeling I was the odd ball of the group so they were being nice but not necessarily wanting my opinion on things. So we’ll see… so I was going to be all this way up in Salt Lake I thought I’d check out their outlet. I score on some good items when I’m in Indy so I wanted to see what’s offered here. I”m assuming its setup in a similar fashion. Since it’s Utah I thought there might be more outdoorsy gear and apparel possibly.. so I’ll see if I can find some hiking pants maybe a puff jacket and looking for a -20 degree sleeping bag or quilt. If there are bonuses such as sleeping pads and such that would be great as well. I’m also looking for a full size bed sheets. I’m borrowing a set from my roommate and normally this is easy to find at an outlet… and also some hangers for my clothes in the closet. So I’ll browse around a little there and then I’ll take the public transit to meet with my roommate’s family at the festival in West Jordan. She was wanting to pick me up from SLC, but I didn’t want to feel rushed and said I’d just meet her when I finish up. She planned on staying a while at the witch fest so I should be able to meet them there and enjoy in some of the festivities. Let’s get back to the training a little more. So we were talking about the touch aspect of the program. I believe I heard that at times they do allow the adolescents hug when someone leaves. When it comes to them crying however, this is where it’s going to be a case by case situation. This program is for the clients to feel through their emotions and learn how to cope with how they feel in a manner that doesn’t endanger themselves or others. So the struggle… the struggle is not masked by say substances or angry outbursts or running way… it’s facing them and hopefully allowing the opportunity to express the emotions that are being felt. Trying to separate our beliefs to the objective situation being felt upon. We’re trying to get them to not assume that the objective situation doesn’t automatically assume the emotion they are feeling. It’s their belief systems which is involved that ignites or triggers their emotions. People can be experiencing the same objective situation with different emotional responses because there are different beliefs systems at play. This program wants to empower the clients and again not want to save them. I understand that I”ve been working my way to realizing this in my own experiences with people in my life. We who want to help has to realize that the ones we’re helping will ultimately have to help themselves. And knowing that they can do it is crucial for someone to not be dependent on others… start to gain autonomy… hopefully in a more conscious manner. So I realize this… but…. If there is a situation where the healthiest choice is to give someone a hug or a touch on the shoulder is there… shouldn’t that be ok? We are not allowed to be alone with the adolescents. There has to be at least two staff members with a single client. Again safety being the primary concern…. We don’t want any situation where something unhealthy or unfavorable to the clients or staff to be allowed to the best of our intention. Ok… well I was typing and scooting along and I about missed my stop, but everything’s all good. I went to the outlet and I’ll have to admit I think Indy has better outlets but I still found some things I was looking for. I found two sets of sheets and some warm weather gear preparing for the winter. I found a puffy jacket which is smaller than the one I have so it’ll pack easier and I can use it before I really need to bundle up. Got two bags for $13 so not bad in my book. Where was I? I have about an hour before I depart to my destination Gardner Village. My roommate, her daughter, sister, and mother are already there and I’ll find them once I get there. That also reminds me to admit having phone service has been making things easier. Not that it’s impossible without it, but it has been making things easier and that’s what I’m looking for. I did end up talking to my neighbor originally from Indiana. Have a said anything about him? Well I met him the first evening we arrived and he lives across the hall from us with his family. He’s literally from the same county as I am in Indiana and he actually knows the family I’m close with who are Mormons and are half Tongan… that helps when in Indiana… there aren’t too many Polynesians and so it was pretty crazy he knows them. He hasn’t lived in Indiana for awhile but he’s a car mechanic. When my dad and I arrived to Utah… one of our break pads on the driver side back fell off and was obstructing the tire movement. My dad and I were joking saying that that’s exactly who we’d be needing tomorrow. We told him and then he took a look at it. It took a few days but he ended up hooking my pops up on repairs and parts. I ended up leaving the apartment before my dad did because of the brakes situation but he made it back safely and I’m hoping to call my pops tomorrow to catch him up on things. But the Indiana mechanic I’ve been speaking with to see if he knows anyone who might be selling a cheap vehicle. He happens to have a buyers license and has a partner who goes to the auction to scout out cars to fix and sell. He told me this after he mentioned a buddy who has a car dealership. I told him I’m really just looking for something around $3500 and make some payments. He said let’s check out the auctions. I told him I’ll be saving some money through November but whomever I’m dealing with… if they’re flexible I can make payment arrangements with them. It’s not looking so easy to be able to carpool… we’ll see… I’ll still be doing it for the next month and I’m hoping it’ll all work out. The other trainee who I was talking about with the first aid class… he too is looking for a ride to work so maybe we can go in on a work vehicle maybe? I haven’t asked him… like I said I was bit of the odd ball of the group. A few times felt like the outcast but generally I’m ok with this even though it doesn’t happen often. Let’s just say I don’t know anything about pop culture or celebrities… so it’s not easy to strike up a casual conversation if that’s the go to way to chat it up with someone. Geesh… I feel the bus goes faster than expected… I’m already half way to my stop. I think I’m going to go ahead and take another break and wait until I get back to the house to continue. I’d like to checkout the scenery. ok… I just copied and pasted my notes while I rode the public transit today. It’s getting late so I’m going to head to bed, but I wanted to post before I did. Until next time

Alright… coming live from Utah, now. Elvis, my dad, and I arrived around 7:30pm yesterday… after 28 hours in the van. Wasn’t bad timing. So… there’s been things that I’ve been thinking about writing but I was just running one day to the next… tomorrow I was hoping there wasn’t going to be anything to do for a day before I start training on Thursday. But… there’s usually some type of vehicle issues that follow us when we travel and this trip is not excluded either. The driver side back tire had issues with the internal brakes. The bottom metal bracket got dislodged and so the brake pad slid down and something is preventing the wheel to turn properly. Since we’ve arrived to Utah there seems to be friendly folks to chat with. The neighbor across the hall actually is from the same county we live in in Indiana. He actually knew a few families from our hometown. It was pretty surprising. And he’s a mechanic. He was supposed to help us out today with the brakes issue but he was swamped at work. I’m hoping he’ll be able to give us the materials and tools for us to replace it tomorrow… so my dad can head back and also I don’t have to worry about it while I’m at training. We’ll see how it goes. So Elvis is loving our new location. It’s been really odd but he’s warmed up to my roommate and somewhat her daughter already within 24 hours. I never know how he’s going to respond when we enter into new space. When we were on the roadtrip I tried to setup the ride a little different than the past. I had the mattress down and placed my belongings on the back half and had half of it where we could sit and read or lay down and rest while he had his areas to rest too. So instead of my dad and I sitting in the front seat and have him at the back by himself. We were either driving or relaxing in the back with him. It made a huge difference with his temperament. He didn’t ever want to shoot out of the van when we opened doors. He ended up laying on my dad’s lap which I’m glad my dad got to see his sweet side. He’s a sweet boy but normally it takes him a bit of time to warm up to people. Well it seemed to translate once we got into the new place, because he’s been visiting my roommate today while she was working from home. He was in the window sill when the daughter came home and had three of her friends over playing in the same room. That really surprised me… hehe… I went in and pet him and to check if he was feeling ok… hehe… but he wasn’t bothered until they all started to want to hold him so he ran out of the room, but to stay as long as he did was really good. It’s making me feel easier to leave him for training for the eight days. I know it’ll be a little struggle for him, but I’m hoping that he’ll be able to ease into fairly smoothly. Oh before I left I did go ahead and made him a cardboard scratcher… he loves it… he’s sleeping in it as we speak. I spent some money on this fancy cat cave thing and I have to try to bribe him to get into it, but once I started to make this cardboard scratcher; he was in love… hehe. But the cat cave he’s slowly opening up to as well.. in the van and also already in the room he’s found some peace inside it. So again its making me feel better. So I’ve gotten everything pretty much ready to go for the training. I (Ok… so he came with the parts and the tools and was going to go ahead and change it for us tonight… so I grabbed some lights for him which was good his light he was using ended up going out. But there were four different versions for this van so he had the wrong size so he has to get the correct parts tomorrow and finish it up. I didn’t expect him to work on it this late. That’s very kind of him.. I wish he could just get done so he didn’t have to continue messing with it, because it seems he has a full schedule. He said this is an early night for him.) So yes training I feel I’m pretty much ready. I finished the online course for the First Aid/ CPR.. it brought up different times where I responded to the best of my knowledge in moments of emergency when I was in high school. I believe I mentioned when my dad was choking but also I was with my girl friend at a home and it was a small party and we were drinking underage. I remember there was a flash of light from just turning on a switch and my girl friend triggered a seizure. I remember hearing from my aunt and cousin who has seizures at times is to not touch the one who’s having a seizure. I was making sure she wasn’t going to hit her head or anything while she was in it. I was yelling for someone to call 911 and I remember all the older guys who were of age refused to call because they were afraid of getting into trouble. I remember how pissed I was because I said there’s no way I’m going to let her die here because they’re afraid of possibly getting into trouble. I probably shouldn’t have done this but I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I didn’t own a cellphone back in high school. I ended up picking her up over my shoulder and putting her into my car and drove her to the emergency room. Good thing we lived in a small town so it didn’t take me long to get her there and get her help. I was able to answer the questions and stayed until they said there’s nothing more to do at this time. I can’t really remember about the aftermath just that moment of when it happened and then the response of the majority of the people who were present in this situation. I happened to bring that up to her and she said that’s the first one she had and that’s when she found out she was epileptic. It feels good to be taking this course and getting the certificate. I know I don’t need this to be able to respond but now that I’m a bit mature I feel I can make better decisions if I happen to run into an emergency situation again. I also learned more about children and infants and other allergic or poison related emergencies as well. I’ll be finishing up the certificate on the Saturday between my shifts. It should take me two and a half hours to get to the appointment by public transportation. Oh… yeah that brings up the location that I’m staying at right now. It’s a suburb and there’s quite a bit of city around, but we’re kind of secluded from it as well. The complex we’re in there’s corn fields around it and there’s a Tech University being built across the way. I’ll have to walk about 20 minutes to get to the bus stop, but to me it’s worth it because I prefer to be a bit away from the city hehe. This condominium complex has a lot of children running around and dogs and cats… it just seems like a very relaxed and family oriented location which I enjoy. This is the first time that I’m really living with a child and it’s been interesting so far. She’s a sweet heart but she’s full of energy. She reminds me of my nephew who’s about six months older than her. I’m really looking forward how this all falls into place. I like that I’m going to be doing one extreme to another in a way. So I’ll be able to get a break from one thing to another and I usually prefer the diversity of attention. My physical at CVS went well. I haven’t been to a family doctor since I was in high school… actually it was closer to middle school. So I didn’t have any records of my history. I told the nurse practitioner that I went to public school so I had to have the vaccinations but I’m uncertain how I would prove it. She told me to get a hold of my school. They should have these records, and I reached out and got the proof of vaccinations. There was also a part where they wanted me to have a current tetanus and TB, but I admitted that I’m uncertain if this is a requirement for work. I’m already pushing my budget on this move… is it ok if I decline at this time until I see if it’s a requirement. I wouldn’t be able to do the TB anyway because I wouldn’t be able to return to get the test results because I’ll be in Utah. She was reluctant but agreed and good thing because when I submitted the physical exam results to my employer they said everything looks good. So I did happen to see that my BMI was like 24.3 and I saw the range of healthy range is 24.9 and 25 would be considered obese. This makes me laugh because I feel this has always been the case for me even though I feel I’m far from obese but in this test I’m right on the verge. Well I can definitely see this position will most likely get me into the best shape I’ve ever been. I’m looking forward to getting fit. I know it’s going to be a challenge to change my habits but I also know that I can do it. And it’s in my life and I have every opportunity to be ready to make these changes. I’m looking forward to the struggle because change is on the other side of this struggle. If people are wondering about the money portion of my move… I can go ahead and update where I am right now. So when it comes to my bank account I’m at $172, and my cash right now is $180… so $350. Which isn’t so bad right now actually. So I’m trying to figure out how much to pay for carpooling. I need to find the address of the base camp we are meeting at… where is that? There’s so many communications from different people and either email or text so… where is it? Ok found it in an email. So I’m 96 miles away. There’s only two of us carpooling together because the size of her car can hold us and our packs only. So I’ll need a ride there and back and I’ll be splitting the cost from that distance. Online it says the average car gets 25.4 miles a gallon so that would be about 3.75 gallons. The average price per gallon in Utah is $4.16. So… I should be giving around $15.60… So I’ll be giving $20… I’ll have $40 just in case but it shouldn’t be more than $30 even for a truck. So I’ll need to pay this for two times before my next check so I’ll keep $60 in cash to pay towards carpooling to work. I’ll need to go to that in class course for Firsst Aid/CPR. I’ll be taking the day pass for $5 but also I think there’s an express train I’ll be taking which isn’t a part of the day pass. Let’s see what the cost of it will be. Round trip would be $5. I saw there was a vanpooling. I went ahead and sent them an email asking if going to our location of work is too far for vanpooling because there could be a potential of 7 people per ride going down and coming back. I’m not sure it’s really an option but there is a need for this especially in our training group where most of us are needing rides. I was lucky to jump on the first opportunity and she lives on the south end of Provo and I’m even farther south so I’d be on the way out towards work. I saw there was a Utah carpooling FB group but they unfortunately haven’t responded to my inquiry into joining the group. I’ve even tried to plant seeds into the trainees minds that in a month or two we could even pitch in to buy a van as our commuter to share to go to work. We’ll figure it out one way or another. Just trying to search and ask as much as I can to see if any opportunity pops up. So back to expenses. I’ll be paying say $60 in gas and $10 in public transit… $70 from the $350 I have leaves me with $280 and really all I need would be groceries for a week. So I should definitely be fine with this amount. So yeah I feel like I’m in good shape… hehe… I’m getting tired and so I”m going to crash for tonight, but I wanted to touch base with things. I’m not certain I’ll be writing tomorrow before training or not… but definitely when I return I want to make time to share my experience. Ok.. until next time.

Good morning…. I’ve been really going since the last time I wrote. I ended up falling asleep fairly early last night… around 9:30 and so I’m up now at 4:45. My dad is still sleeping so I thought this would be a great time to write in the Journal. So where did I leave off. Yes, I have made some decisions since. There was the young mother and her six year old daughter whom I really enjoyed speaking with. I had thought I wanted to see what other options are available but honestly it was just going to make it more difficult that way. So I reached out to her to see if she’d still be interested in me sharing her home together and she was excited that I wanted to join her little family. So I’ve gathered that she just moved into her place only a few weeks ago and she has separated with her ex. So this location is new to her and that’s why she’s still getting her rooms situated. She’s so sweet… she had wallpaper that she wanted to put into the space before I got there so she’s been busy doing that. I told her she’s more than welcome to wait for me so I can give her a hand. Since I decided to move-in with her now I’m able to drive out there and bring more of my belongings and Elvis with me. My dad will be joining us because he’ll have to return the van for me. He’s not to thrilled to have to do this; he’d much prefer to have me take the van. He talked to his wife to see if he could help convence her to just allow me to take it, but she really feels that she’d rather have the money from the van in a large lump sum instead of having it paid off through February. He said he’s never said no to her once about anything, and she constantly says no. I told him it’s not a problem when people say no… I wish he could start to feel more comfortable in saying no a little more than he does… hehe… but he’ll have to figure that out for himself. So my new roomie said she’s looking for a futon for my dad and has extra linens for him to use and wanted to see what he enjoys so she can make recommendations for him to enjoy himself while he’s here. I chuckled and said that it’s not necessary. I’m going to be brining a mattress with me and I had to tell my dad that he should sleep at least one night before he left. If it was up to him he would just help me unload and return as soon as possible. I told him stay the night and take advantage of a nice shower. I said that should be motivation enough to stay a little longer… he’s been living without running water for two years… take a shower or even a bath… hehe. I told him that it seems like my roomie would spoil him, if he would accept it. There’s no rush for him to have to leave. I was hoping to maybe pick up some items from around the city like tables and lamps and then drop me off the morning of my training. I thought I’d be able to get my physical done in town but the locations here do not have a physician to perform physicals. They’re mostly for dental work. If it’s not obvious by now I do not use a family doctor. I haven’t been to a doctor for decades. I’m going to have to see expense wise if I should go ahead and go to like a CVS or go to the Emery Health Center which is recommended by the company. Emery is familiar with the program and it’s seems it would be easier. With the documents I received it seemed like they would like to have this done before training, but when I spoke to them through email; they said I needed these before my first shift. I said I’m anticipating to start my shift within four days after the training is over so it’s going to be a little tricky. So the First Aid/CPR card… the lady I’ve been speaking with for about month with helped me out by signing me up to take the online course and said there are options of the classroom training available on the 21st which will be on my break and before my first shift. I really appreciated her making it easy because It felt like I had so many things to take care of I started to feel scattered, but she made it easier. So I’ve been doing the online training. Since I hadn’t rested it was actually hard for me to concentrate and not want to fall asleep while I was doing it… that’s why I went to bed early last night. My body and mind was like… hey girl… this is important. Even though this is a refresher of things you’ve been introduced to… it’s best to be taking this course with a fresh mind. I haven’t had to perform CPR on anyone before, but I have had to do the heimlech on my pops before. I started that section on the course and it brought memories of me having to do this for him. It was at a holiday gathering. This was many of us sitting around eating but we were sitting on a sectional. People were laughing and making jokes and I happened to turn to look at my dad and was laughing along with us but then very suddenly he was choking. I quickly moved behind everyone to get behind him and did the heimlech and was able to help the food blockage get out of his airways. This was a while ago… I was in high school maybe early college… it’s a bit of a challenge for me to remember exact dates, but since then he’s actually had to count how many times he chews his food to make sure the food is easier to digest. The course said that many people are scared to act when someone needs to perform CPR or don’t know what to do. There were some technical details that I had forgotten but for the most part I did remember. And I’m confident that I wouldn’t hesitate to act if I was found in this position. Now my physical… I called Emery and they would be able to schedule an appointment for me at 8 that Thursday morning. They said it usually takes about a half hour for the results but it’s not an exact timing. Now that I know I don’t actually need the results for that day… I wanted to see how early my dad and I would have to wake to get there. And also get a hold of them and just see if they’d just email me the results or if I can come back at a later date to pickup the results. Let’s just check it out. It might be easier to just go to a CVS to do this so I don’t have to wake up my dad unnecessarily. I heard it shouldn’t be an issue to get a ride from another staff member to go down on Wednesday so we can sleep the night before and wake up and go. But I actually missed the first meetup meeting… yeah I felt bad. They sent three invites to meetings using meetup instead of like a zoom where we can meet the fellow trainees and also the recruiters we’ve been dealing with. This was the day after I hadn’t slept and I saw that two of them I could join but one I was going to be drumming at an art fair. So this was when I first started the first aid online course and I felt myself getting tired. I had mixed up the times and I thought I would be able to take a two hour nap and wake up in time for the zoom. Well I did mix up the time so when I tried to get on they were already in session. I messaged to see if I could join on the feedback section, but there wasn’t an answer and so I wasn’t wanting to interrupt more that I was already. I messaged my recruiter and told her what happened. She already knew I hadn’t slept that’s why she sent me the link to the first aid for me because she’s trying to help me out as much as possible. They would have like me to join two out of three, but said I have to at least attend one. So that will be tonight at 1am my time 11pm their time. I’m going to confirm that but if my memory services me right.. that should be it. I have the drum performance tonight and I’m going over to my cousin’s to pick up one of her backpacks to use. I was telling her about the position and she knew right away this is something that I’ve been looking for. First of all she’s like where is it… I said Utah and she said well that’s somewhere new for you… you’ll love it. When I started to tell her about the therapy part it was obvious to her that this was better then just learning about wilderness training… let’s just say… it was nice to see someone who gets me… hehe. I hadn’t told anyone really because I wanted to wait until I confirmed that I got the invitation to join the training before I had an announcement. So I received a list of gear that I will need. At first I was told that I would need like my own backpack, sleeping back, hiking boots, and clothes. Well I had that but when I got the list there were other items that I needed that I didn’t have. So the company has a lending library, but not all of the items do they have to lend out. So they suggest going to thrift shops and borrowing from friends and family. If I get it from their lending library then I’ll be able to use them for the training and first three shifts for apprenticeship, but after that I’d have to purchase. So I figured if nothing else I’ll do this. Well at first I didn’t know they wouldn’t have everything on the list to borrow but I felt like there was a buffer I had and I’d have a few checks by that time so I shouldn’t have a problem affording to get the equipment. I decided why don’t I see if anyone I know in Indiana would have any of the gear I needed. When I posted this I didn’t think I was taking my cat with me and said I can borrow and return by Thanksgiving. I really wanted to post that I had to take a year for my mind to rebuild. I’ve been patiently waiting for the call to move forward, and this is it! And I’ll be leaving in a week and posted my job listing to give people more information about it if they’re curious so I don’t have to repeat myself… because many people I know would like to hear what my next adventure is. Sending a link many people got to read it and then be able to respond. But I listed a few items to see if anyone could help. And people responded. Actually a coworker from my concert gig… someone who worked with the riggers and I hardly spoke with ended up sending me $200 through PayPal. It was sweet and very unexpected. He wrote me if I had paypal and I didn’t know how to respond at first. I said I do actually have paypal and i gave the emoticon of smile, smile with a piece of sweat coming down, and a heart. I didn’t really know if I should assume that he was wanting to send me money, because I didn’t think this would be available to me. Later on he wrote… can you send me the information please. And again I had to check myself. I thought… well maybe he doesn’t have the gear I”m wanting and he’s just trying to give me help. Should I just message him my information? Well I said it’s not going to be a big deal just give it to him. And so I created a little image with my picture, email, and QR code to send me payments. And right away he sent me two hundred bucks. I immediately thanked him and he said he wanted to help me to be safe and comfortable… so sweet! So he just helped me pay for my physical. I told him it’s much appreciated. This has been an abrupt decision so I wasn’t as prepared as I would’ve hoped but I’m going to move forward anyway. I ended up getting the $300 from my stepmom for the vehicle work I did to two of her cars and she sent it to my dad’s account. I told him to just keep it and we’ll use it on gas on our trip out to Utah. So I asked my roomie if it’s alright if I just pay the prorated rent for October and I’ll be getting a check on the 31st so I can be on time to pay the full month’s rent for November. She said she was going to suggest that to me because she gets it when it comes to moving suddenly. So I sent her money through Venmo.. which I had to setup.. I usually just use PayPal. I have a pay bill option through my bank and asked her if she wanted she can fill out her personal information when I arrived so she didn’t have to give me her account information, but she said she’d much rather use Venmo and so I signed up. Usually it’s challenging for me to do this because I normally don’t have a phone and there’s always codes and verifications that need to be sent and many times this isn’t an easy option for me, but I bit the bullet and got my phone. I went ahead and set up direct pay so I’ll be spending $35 each month for phone, text, and 15Gb of data. It’s a prepaid monthly plan so I can deactivate it anytime as I wish, but for now it works for me. Now that my friends know what I’m going for now they started reaching out and sending me best of luck and congratulations and some had the items on the list I gave. Well I was thinking I was going to just ask my Indiana friends because that’s where I am. But my buddy in Aurora reached out to me and said he had plenty of gear for me and I should stop by on my way out. I didn’t even think of that and he is the perfect person to receive assistance from. I asked him if he happens to have wool socks and he said yes, and I said it’ll be worth it to go for those because those are pricey items and I really wanted to have some good socks. I bought hiking boots but they were pretty much new even though I got them from a thrift store. I’ve been wearing them to break them in and also stuffing the high tops inside the shoe to loosen them up. I got them to do my orienteering a while ago before I knew I was going earlier to Utah and thought I’d be waiting until January. But they worked well on our two mile hike and they seem broken in enough for me to not get blisters but if I had some thick woolen socks it would make me feel better to help prevent blistering. Well I ended up direct messaging my friend because there was a lot we were going to discuss that didn’t need to be posted on my public post. So he’s retired and he’s done many things in life mostly building in remote locations in the world. He was part of the crew who originally build camp one at the Himalayas and he’s also one of the rare people who have been to Antártica to build there… I think he’s been there twice now. Since his retirement he continues to teach Boy Scouts survival skills in the Rockies during the winter time. So yeah I’m just learning about wilderness training. He’s been doing this pretty much all his life since he was a child in boys scout. So does he have gear? Yes he’s collected a lot of them. I’ve been to his place and has helped him try to organize his mother’s home. She was bit of a hoarder and he moved in there when she passed, so I went to go help him out. So he said anything I needed he’d be happy to help and he doesn’t need any compensation for it because he just doesn’t need it. He’s set financially. So I did go ahead and send him the pdf file of the list of gear they are wanting me to bring. He came back and said he could give me half of what’s on the list. Holy cow I was so happy. The main ones is he said he has many 70-100L backpacks to choose from which is a huge ticket item. Even if I had to use the lending library when it came time to purchase it… it would’ve been a big chunk of savings, but now… I won’t have to worry about it. They will be nice and broken in and I’ll be able to use if for at least a year and I”m sure longer. So yes! Plus he has a sleeping pad which again I know he’s older and wants to be comfortable sleeping so I”m sure this will help ease my mind to be better comfortable to sleep on the ground for half the year. Let’s just say he’s hooking a sister up and I’m so thankful. I keep telling him that I’d like to give him some compensation once I start getting paid but he refuses to accept it. He’s bit of a talker and I told him that I apologize but I won’t be able to stay long while I’m driving through. My roomie has a six year old and I don’t want to push the bedtime hours so I don’t affect her rest. I think he understands… I hope I don’t have to tell him when I arrive… hehe… I do think I’ll be able to have lunch with him though… if our timing is right. So yeah I went to eat with my ex-stepmom. The mother of my sister and she ended up giving me gift cards to McDonalds, Dairy Queen, Taco Bell, and Subway. I chuckled because I know she knows I don’t eat at these locations but she said they should help out in case of emergencies. And she also thought I’d be able to take out my roomie and daughter to get ice cream and stuff. I said actually that does sound great! As I think more about it I think I will be able to use them more than I think. I can help pay for meals for my pops and I while we’re taking this trip and I could give him one as he returns so he doesn’t have to spend a lot of extra money. Since I’m not tent camping and everything I’m going to be spending almost all the money I have and so for the weeks before my first paycheck I’ll be able to get meals with them. She gave me like $250 worth of food. And I can’t not accept them. And she knew I’d be using the Subway more and gave me a hundred on that one. So thank you so much! I’ve got a buddy here who is homeless and we’ve been talking about things while I’ve been home. He’s the one I shared ceremony with and had a metaphysical head butt that occurred during ceremony. He wants to help as much as he can and wants to offer some of his stuff. He already gave me a hammock with insect netting. I feel hesitant to take anything from him but I also don’t want him to feel bad. I was talking to him and said that actually if he could get his anger issues under control… then he would be great at this position too. He said that he actually thought the same thing. So that’s another reason why I wanted to post the link because I feel this position calls to some select few and I happen to know quite a bit of them. And so I wanted to indirectly show them a potential opportunity. He wants to give me more but he’s very scattered and disorganized… hehe… so I told him its not necessary because I’m getting hooked up by my Aurora buddy but he doesn’t want to take no for an answer either. I told him to accept me to pay for some of these items and he’s like me and said that he’s giving it to me because he wants to help not to get money from me. I told him we’ll play it by ear. He can always get more gear with the money I send him to help him be more comfortable too. We’ll see how our stories unfold, but I hope he sees that changing our habits could be a good thing…. Oh and that brings me to the things I know I’m going to have to struggle with while taking this position. So I’ve been wanting to quit smoking and when I am just thinking of myself unfortunately it’s easy for me to make excuses, because it’s not that I think tobacco is bad. In fact I want to learn more about it. I just don’t want to be using it habitually like I am. Well… I’m not able to bring tobacco with me on my eight day shifts… so perfect! I know I want this position so much that I’d be happy to struggle through symptoms of withdraw to have this opportunity. So yeah this will also give me good examples for the kids to show them my thoughts about not being able to smoke. So this program is an open-minded program. Some of them have started to use drugs and they will be struggling with withdraw too. So I’ll be able to relate to them. I’m going to be an example where I’m not just a person who doesn’t have issues. I have issues but I’ve matured to a state to handle them easier and I’m ok with the struggle now. I’m not someone who is exempt of struggle, but I don’t see it as a negative thing. For me its necessary to transform into someone I’m creating. Also on my days off if I have to I can smoke, but I also wanted to choose living with a child because they too help me to not smoke. I’m not going to smoke at my place and the more I put myself in situations where I don’t want to smoke the easier and quicker I can stop the habitual nature I have with tobacco. So yeah I”m excited to get through the struggle… hehe. And now that I’m going to be driving and able to take more things with me… I’m thinking I can set myself up to share ceremonies out there if the situation comes up. First of all I know my girl from the original twelve does ceremonies and I’d love to share again with her. But I’ve already been talking with the other potential roommate about it too. So it seems clear to me now that this guy is interested in me romantically. He called again and we talked and he’s not overly apparent about his attraction but in subtle ways he’s showing me he’s interested. We did end up talking about Ayahuasca and the ceremonies I hold while I’m in the states to prepare people. He’s eager to do it with me, but I told him that’s not how it works. I’ll have to have conversations with him and see where he really is before I share. I told him there’s people I’ve been working with here in Indiana where it’s taken 6 months and we haven’t shared ceremony yet. I told him I’m not in a hurry. I’d like to prepare people before going in. And to do this is to have deep conversations and allow me to observe their behaviors and communications. But I did think about the gear I’ll be getting I could take people into the wilderness to share ceremony together. I have two sleeping bags and if I had to take the plane I’d have to choose one, but now I’m taking both.. so I’ll be able to have gear not only for myself but for someone else to join me. And I know I run into many personalities… in case they aren’t hiking people they wouldn’t have to get gear just to go with me. I’d have things lined up to just go out together. I don’t know if this is what I’m going to do, but they are thoughts that are running through my mind. I didn’t know if this would come up in my interview as well. Ive been thinking about not wanting to mask anything. So she knew I have done all this international traveling… how did it start for me. And so I told her about the struggle I had in Italy with my ex and I wanted to go to the Amazon jungle to try ceremonies that have been done for many family generations. I didn’t go into every detail about Ayahuasca but I did let her know more of my approach to spirituality and it made her more curious about me and it didn’t stop them from wanting me to join the training session. When I talk to her she seems excited to have me on board… and I make it known how excited I am to meet her and the staff and the guests. So… what am I really wanting to discuss at this time? I feel I have to go back to my financials… there are so many things I’d like to purchase for my space but I need to be more realistic of what I actually have to work with and how much I have to spend. I know I needed a bed and I found a double thick full mattress and box spring here in Indiana for $40 bucks. The woman I was speaking with is really nice and at one time we thought her husband sold it to another person, but fortunately their truck fell through and so I was back open to take it. So I said yes I’ll take it and I can be there Friday morning to pick it up with my pops. We took my dad’s full bed to the back of the van and it fit snug as a bug back there and so the mattress will be in the back so we can also have a place to rotate sleep while we’re driving out there and place my belongings on half of it. We do have to strap the box spring to the top of the van which my dad’s not too happy about because it’s going to take more gas to go, but I told him it’s going to be fine.. hehe. If I have a box spring and double thick mattress then I don’t have to worry about a bed frame right away and anyway I like things closer to the floor so I think it’s going to be worth it. He said the gas might tell us differently that it’s not just going to be a $40 mattress set… I told him the prices I was seeing in Utah were more in the one hundred dollar range so it shouldn’t add another $60 to our gas, but if it does it’s still exalts out and this is a double thick mattress not a single one… so I would like to get the more comfortable option. Plus I just enjoyed talking with the woman seller. We were chuckling that she’d much rather give it to me because she knows I”m an actual person… hehe. So I’d like to get a few side tables because I’ve got a few decorations that I’ll be brining to make it feel like my space. I know I want to get some new things but brining gifts I’ve received from friends and family that I still enjoy will be helpful and pleasing for me and again I’ve got the space to take now. I’ve got most of everything packed up. It is more than I’d like to take so I’ll go through it again and see if I can minimize them more. I feel like I”m stepping into a newer version of myself and so I could just reduce more of my belongings and be patient with my savings and get things that relay who I’m becoming or am now. Actually I’m not taking my artwork. I’m going to keep it here for my dad. Most of them represent our family and so I think he’ll still enjoy them. There’s a few canvases that I was painting on the summer… I will take them and use them as an outlet. I can continue to paint over them just to get my creative juices going. I’ve got mirrors here I’ll take with me too… makes my room feel larger and I just enjoy mirrors. I have one which is big enough for a headboard for the bed and three longer mirrors like the basic mirrors to check how your clothes fit and look. I put three of them together because I do enjoy dancing and it’s nice to watch how my body moves as an example doing my Tahitian… see if I’m moving my upper body… how much I’m extending out my hips and how my rotational circles are and how fast I can move them without getting sloppy… hehe… I”m bringing the mirrors I love seeing the patterns from across the room in the mirrors and I just love the dynamics its a highlight for me in my spaces. But…. What can I actually afford at this time if anything. What do I still need to buy? I have the mattress/box spring $40. I’m also going to buy a portable drum. There’s my buddy from the drum troupe that found three options and I chose the smallest one but it has authentic raw hide as the head which is what I want for $25 but he and our other buddy thinks the one that is a little bigger should be the one I should take because it has a synthetic head and if I’m camping out and it starts to rain then it will hold better for $35. I asked if I could just take both then… hehe… The smaller one is something i”d like to dance with it’s a great size it’s what I used when I was learning middle eastern style. It was hard for me to find online… actually I couldn’t find it so I’d really like to have it and I won’t have to take it camping with me. I can use it indoors. Plus I feel I’ll like the sound a bit better. And even though it’s short it looks like the head is a good size like the circumference of the head is larger then someone would expect for that size. That also interests me. So I’m not sure if he’s wanting to get rid of both of them. He said let’s just discuss it when I go to the drum performance. But let’s say I do get both of them… that would be $60 and if I find that I need to cut back on expenses I can just get one for now. Technically the company doesn’t want us taking personal items with us… at least for training. I saw a photo with someone having a guitar but they specifically said not to bring instruments for training. So I might not even be able to take it to work anyway. If I have to choose i”m going for the smallest one with the authentic hide. Of course I’d like to play them first because the sound will also affect my decision making. But if I go with one then I’ll pay $25. I’ll need to pay for the physical which I saw is around $200 for a CVS one. Let me make sure I’ve been looking around at so many things tha’ts why I was late for the meeting. I just didn’t keep things straight. So let me verify the cost on their website. So yeah I’m glad I checked because it’s only $99 with takes let’s say $105 ish. So… $40 + $60 + $105 = $205. I don’t think I’ll need to pay anything for the CPR/First Aid because my company set me up for this. I didn’t have to put any card information into the system to start doing my online course. So I’m assuming the classroom training will be the same. And I saw when I read the documents they were able to give us a code to do this for free. So that won’t cost anything. So what do I have as my balance now? So I have $675 - $205 = $475… what’s the gas prices going to estimate to? Now I’ve already talked to my dad and he said I could pay him back for his return trip gas when I get paid so I’ll be looking at the one way trip with the money I have to use for it now. He just went to California on a roadtrip with his wife and her sister and he said it’s about $80 to fill and it should take about 4 fills to get to Utah = $320 now my dad thinks there’s going to be more since we’re strapping on the box spring on top so I’ll go ahead and round it up to $400 in gas. He has three hundred in his account that I told him to keep for gas and then I’ll have to pay another extra $100 from my stash. So $475 - $100 = $375. For food I can use the gift cards and I know my dad if he starts to get picky he can eat wherever he wants but can also pay for it if he doesn’t want to eat at the locations I can pay for him. What am I missing? Gas money to get to my training? If I go to CVS then I don’t need my dad to take me early and I’ll just go ahead and hitch a ride. If that’s the case around $20 for round trip? Well it’ll take two hours one way so maybe I’ll double it for $40 bucks round trip. $375-$40= $335. There’s a credenza, coffee table, and night stand for $70 which I’d like to get if they are still available when I arrive. $335 - $70 = $265. Elvis is good on food for a month or so.. but I could grab him another bag of kitty litter but that’s like $10… = $255.. So it looks like I’m good really. Even if I have… oh wait…I’ll have to go to my first work position with this money so that will be another $40 bucks. = $215… Yeah I think I’m good. I’d like to pay for my dad’s gas for him to return but I think he’ll be ok to wait until the first of November to get it. On the first I’ll have $650 (rent) + $320 (gas for dad) + $80 (gas for work) + $35 (phone) = $1085 and from my first check… what is my estimate pay? $1825 + reimbursed for my physical exam so an extra $105 = $1925 - $1085 = $840 sweet! I’ll have enough to actually get groceries and maybe a few other housing items… I’m wanting to make more of a haven for Elvis in the room since he’ll be alone more and want him to know I love him.. hehe… we’ll see how it reacts… if he gets along with the ladies then I won’t have to buy him so much material things because he’ll be getting attention and that’s what he really wants… hehe. So we’ll see. I’d like to start saving as much as possible. But maybe that will be more for the November paychecks. I usually like to start paying rent in advance just so I can get a better since of what my sailing are but I can get to that when it comes. But yeah… I think what I’m wanting to do should just be fine! Since I’m going to pick up the mattress on Friday then I’ll go ahead and see which CVS that has the minute clinic around the area I’m going to be at and I wanted to go to Walmart… oh yeah there’s a few items I wanted to pick up there like I need a watch with an alarm. I found a basic watch for like $10 at Walmart. But I think I’ve got enough money to have room to buy a few things here and there. I was going to go back to the Goodwill Outlet to look for a puffy coat. I have a vest which should be fine because I have many layers I can take… actually I’ll probably just wait on the puffy coat.. I’ve got enough to make it work. There’s actually an outlet in Salt Lake I saw and I’m thinking there will be more options on hiking and camping clothes and maybe gear there then here in Indiana. So yeah… Things are working out. I’ll go ahead and continue my online class while my dad is still sleeping. I’ll setup an appointment at CVS for Friday, I’ll do another run through with my stuff to see if I can condense it down more. I’ll take what I’m not taking with me to the Goodwill in Muncie. Do my drum performance with the troupe and head to my cousins afterwards and return in time to do the 1am meeting with the trainees and recruiters. So not too bad of a day ahead. It’s so exciting! until next time

Hehe… I couldn’t go to sleep. This is how I get when I am this determined. I laid down and thought about it. I really didn’t like the fact that Elvis wouldn’t really have any days with me in the space before I would leave for work. And I kept thinking that I’d want to have the money I have now and then start saving before move-in and wait for more options. But really there was an option that I really like and it’s ready to move-in except for bedding. She uses it as an office right now, and I honestly don’t mind if she keeps it in there… she’s got multiple screens so I figured she might work from home… at least a good chance. But she was sweet and the housing looks really nice and it’s in my price range. I don’t think she has a lease that I will be signing. I thought maybe I can just grab a futon. I’ll get her approval on which one I’ll get, but there seems to be one for $85 in Utah a little north of Salt Lake. I was wondering how I would get it to her place and I started thinking about the driving option again. I’ll be able to pay for gas, futon, and first month’s rent and still have around $300 which all I’ll need is food until I have to leave for work and the six days between. And that’s doable and I might ask my pops for maybe $500 and I’ll be able to pay him and her for next month’s rent on my first check. The $500 will be the gas he’ll need to pay to get back to Indiana and then around $200 for just in case something comes up… hehe… we’ll see I probably won’t need that extra money, but I’m sure I can get a little extra if I need to. But I’m hoping that if I do find a location that is better suited like maybe the horse location… I’d be able to keep the futon in her office. I’m waiting a little longer before I give her a call and see what she says. Wish me luck… hehe. I’m going to try to get my physical done today.. there’s two spots in my hometown which should be able to do this for a reasonable price. Ok… I’ve got more searching and responding to the people I’ve messaged. Enjoy your day!

Ok… The phone interview went well… they are higher consciousness when it comes to communication. The interviewer was awesome and let me know up front that there isn’t a time limit… it was just a slot and so we spoke for about an hour. I asked quite a bit of questions answered through email. I received and email later for the invitation to join the training program next week!!! YAY!!! Ok I haven’t jumped the gun, and so now it’s trying to narrow things really down. I thought this would be a unique situation that I feel I can share, especially since I’ve seen some people here on the Forum has concerns with finances. Well.. I’ve already mentioned that I don’t technically have a lot of income myself for most of my life, but when I get something in my mind my determination just jumps in and tries to find solutions. So why not express this in more detail while I’m trying to figure things out. So… I have only $940 in my bank. I did a little work on vehicles and I’m going to be receiving another $300 in a few days. So this is what I have and I’m going to relocate to Utah for this wilderness position. Now granted… I’m going to try to take advantage of the 8 day shifts at the beginning. If I’m training and working I will not have to pay for room or board… this is included with the position. So again I’m going to use this to my advantage. I am not able to take the van with me and but Im able to use it to drive out there. I am looking whether I should drive or fly. Well… cost efficiently flying will save me around $200, but not having a vehicle does cause a little hardship of getting around. During my interview I did get a confirmation that there’s opportunities for me to contact other trainees and staff members about carpooling from Salt Lake so I’m feeling more comfortable to do this. As of now I’m thinking I’m going to go ahead and fly Frontier from IND to SLC for around $75. I’ll be able to have a carry-on and personal item. I’ll be taking two bags with me so I won’t have to check a bag… at least I’m hoping I’m still figuring out what I will have with me to take but I think I can keep things minimized. I have met those two prospective roommates so I’m going to reach out to them to see if there would be a chance for me to stay on their couch for one night. It’ll give us time to get to know each other better and they’re located in locations which will work for the carpooling. I’ll have to take the public transit to these locations and the farthest location from the airport would be two hours and only cost $5 for a day pass. I’ll give them a little money for the night stay… The flight I’m looking at looks like I’ll be making it to their home around lunch time. Now this will be arriving on Tuesday so they may be working.. so technically I don’t know if this will work. I think one actuallly works from home, but I’ll know when I reach out. And if I happen to be able to talk to any of the carpooling coworkers I could see if they wouldn’t mind if I spend the night with them as well. I don’t mind asking and I don’t mind if it doesn’t work. I do have a friend in Salt Lake (one of the original 12) I might need to ask her and the last resort will be an airbnb… ohh… I haven’t looked this up yet. So it looks like there’s two options that run for $55 for the night. So the next day many will leave to head to work because they allow us to stay at a bunk house the night before so we’re there and ready for our 9am shift. So I’ll have to pitch in for gas. I’m thinking $20 or less. I will probably be eating out or already prepared meals at the grocery during this 24 hour period because I’m not allowed to take any personal food into training. Let’s say $50 but I’m sure it will be less. So I’ll be in my training for 8 days… nothing needs to be paid at this time. They are giving us three days usage of the shared housing to get things figured out for housing they said. Well… I’m thinking that I’ll stay there but I’ll need to stay one more day somewhere before the first available shift for me to work starts again. So there’s only 4 days in between this shift because the training is Thursday to Thursday while the shifts are Tuesday to Tuesday. So there’s that RV park who rents out tent sites. Right now it has two sites which are available for this day. Now I’ll still need a ride to get there so technically it will dependent on people who have cars… how long are they going to stay in the shared employee housing. If someone stays the three days then great, but if they all decide to leave early then I’ll have to stay longer in the tent. Renting the tent site is $25/day. So it can range from $25-$100 depending on how things play out. But the RV park is at the local place of work so it should be hard to have somebody drop me off and then pick me up to get out to work. The location for work is closer to the mountains so about a half hour drive from town. Technically depending on how I’m feeling I could just hike it or give a try at hitch hiking… hehe… I have tried that once before in Australia and it worked out really well. Had great conversation and he happened to own an Indian restaurant so we had dinner together as well. So… let’s go on the high end of things… from the flight to the days after training how much would it cost me? 75 (flight) + 5 (bus) + 55 (airbnb) + 20 (gas) + 50 (food) + 100 (tent) = $305 So let’s go ahead and remove that from the money I have $940 (bank) + $300 (extra work) = $1240 - $305 (expense before first shift) = $935 So by this time I’ll start my first 8 day shift, again no expenses at this time. The last day of this shift I’ll be getting my first pay check ( I asked the dates of the pay periods for the month of October). Now I’m uncertain which day they cut off for the pay period but it’s going to be around $2,650 for the monthly pay for this position. Now OBVIOUSLY I’m not wanting this position because of the pay… it’s the quality of the position I’m drawn towards and motivated doing all of this. Lol… many workers in Colorado if they saw this they would laugh at me because we make a little more then double over there, but again… this position isn’t working in a restaurant or hotel… this isn’t saying that these positions are bad, but what I’m saying is money is not my motivating factor when it comes to work for me. I also have the opportunity to get a part-time job on my days off to supplement my income… but I might just want to have those days off too.. so I’ll see how I feel when I return from the field. I’ll say for now that I’m not going to get a part time for this projection. But I’ll go ahead and divide the monthly income by half to get a rough estimate of what the first pay will be. $2650/2= $1325. Now training is not paid; however, after we work our first shift our first paycheck will include a $500 stipend. So we can add that onto this. $1825. So now how much would I have in my bank? $935 + $1825. $2,760. Now that probably will give me enough money to move into a place, BUT with this scenario I’m going to be dragging a small tent around with me. And I don’t want to drag it around to just use it for four days… so I’m going to go back to the RV park and rent a tent site for six days this time for $150. This time I’ll be in town and I’ll be able to get to a grocery store and grab a few groceries for the week. And I’ll be at a RV park… there’s other people there. I’m going to be talking to people and at first I thought I could probably get by with Peanut butter and fruit sandwiches mostly, but I’m sure I’ll have an opportunity to use a stove or hell… I might be able to join a pitch in and throw them a little money for being so kind for sharing for me. I’m going to say at the high end which I feel again is a lot higher then what it actually will be, but I’ll say it’s $60 for the week for food. So I’ll want to be hitting up locals and see if there is any possible housing opportunities. Yes I want that horse opportunity, but it hasn’t been confirmed. I’d much rather be living in a small town then the city so I’m going to give a good effort to see if I run into an opportunity for housing there. I did actually see there was a 3bd/1bth apartment available in this town for $650/mo including utilities. And I’ve messaged to see if it’s still available and see whether they are cat friendly… So technically I could pay it after my first check but I don’t want to be too hasty either. I don’t think it will be that bad to stay in a tent for a month… it’s worth it to be able to have enough money to get a decent place and allowing time for opportunities to show itself. So I forgot that when it comes to the shifts for work, the company again offers the coworker shared house the day before and the day after our 8 days… so I could take advantage of sleeping on a bed at this time.. which honestly I will do… hehe. But I won’t need to make the corrections with the tent area it would be $100 not $150 but when I project I’d much rather be on the higher side of expenses because things come up. So after my second shift, the last day I’ll have my next pay check = $1325 So what would I have then? Expenses are $150 (tent) + $60 (food) = $210 and we can go ahead and combine my savings at this time $2,760 + $1325 = $4085 and take away the expenses $3875 and actually I’ve got this phone service now so another $35 needs to be taken out as well. So I’ll have $3,840 and at this time the date will be November 14th. This is where I’ll have to make a decision and hopefully by then I’ll have a housing option available. And really I think this is going to determine what I have to do. If I have something, then I’ll probably fly back to Indiana so I can pick up Elvis and my other belongings. Or if I don’t have anything then I’ll have to do the same thing… rent a tent for another week = $150 plus food $60 = $210 expenses before my third shift and at the end of this shift I’ll be getting another $1325. I’d have… $3840 + $1325 = $5165 - $210 (expenses) = $4,955 and that date will be November 28th. Now honestly it doesn’t sound awesome to be sleeping on the ground during all this time with only what with 8 days of sleeping on a bed. But again I’ll do what needs to be done and depending on how this falls into place… I’ll have had 16 days of trying to get housing setup. When I was in Colorado it took me only 2 days to get a place but I was in a more desperate situation and took whatever I could take. I’m more patient and more conscious who I’m going to be sharing space with so I’d much rather see what options are. I’m going to go ahead and do the figures when I return to get my little buddy and belongings. I’d be purchasing either a round trip ticket or I might drive on the way back to Salt Lake if I bring too many things… hehe. I’m pretty good at minimizing, but sometimes I still find a way to want to bring things… probably depends on what type of housing I was able to find and agree to. Well… let’s take a look at both. We’ll look at flights going out before my third shift of work… there’s limited flights so I’d be leaving on Thursday the 16th arriving on the Friday 17th. I’d have to return on the Monday the 24th. Wait that won’t work it would arrive on Tuesday around 1:34am and I’d have to be at work at 9 am. I don’t know if any coworkers would wait for the morning to drive to the location… maybe but where am I going to stay to wait for four hours with my cat? I can’t find myself paying for an airbnb for 4 hours. And these 4 hours would be from 2am-6am so I wouldn’t want to go to someone’s place. And shit I wouldn’t even have time to take my cat to the spot. And I’d like to spend a day or two at minimum before I leave him for 8 days… I would’ve already left him for a month with my dad… and don’t worry I’m going to be video messaging my dad and Elvis so he can try to figure out that I didn’t abandon him. But having a few days to get him ok… well maybe that whole driving back might be the better option. My dad would be driving with me to take the vehicle back and maybe he could stay a few days or even two weeks so he can stay with Elvis for the days I’m working and then when I’ve got my days off we can go exploring together. So hmmm… I’m going to check the other dates and see if I’m going to run into the same situation. I didn’t run into an issue of blackout dates when I was looking earlier. Let’s see if I want to purchase a round trip after the 3rd shift… Ok wow! There aren’t any flights after my third shift… hmmm… Let’s jump back up to the price if I go after the first shift? I had to go back and read how much money I would have at that time; I’ll have $2700 Ok.. this actually was the date I was looking at earlier because I really would hate to be away from Elvis for too long. So what does that look like for flights? This is what I thought… It will be $320 for a round trip ticket adding in the pet fee and a checked bag. I’d be leaving the 1st of November arriving on Thursday the 2nd. I’d leave Indiana on Sunday the 5th arriving on the 6th. This would leave me with $2380. With this amount then what would I have to do… I’ll have to have housing so I’d probably have to pay first months rent and deposit. My quarter of income would be $700 so I’m thinking move-in cost would be $1400 so let’s take that away. $2380 (bank) - $1400 (move-in) = $980 remaining. That also means I’d have to find something in those four days in between the training and first shift… owww… I’m not certain if that would be good. Ok… I’m thinking the round trip ticket isn’t my option. My option would be to fly back and drive back… now this also assumes that the van that I couldn’t take with me will still be available to use to drive me back. It might be sold by this time… hmmm… interesting… what other options would I have? That would be either a train or a greyhound… of course not ideal when traveling with a cat but…. We do what needs to be done. So…. Let’s think about this… This might take a lot more time to get back to Salt Lake and I still feel like brining my dad with me to help me ease Elvis but also show him where I moved to… So I’ll be seeing what the difference in cost would be… hehe… so this is what’s going on in my head and much more but when we don’t have the convenience of having a good chunk of money to relocate… then this is how some people with less means has to plan things out. Takes a little more work, but there are solutions to be found. Realistically I don’t think I’ll find anything in those 4 days… I might if other co-workers decide to go in on a place, but I don’t know about a local moving that quickly. I might have to give them time to prepare unless I can get an apartment. Hmmm… so many factors to consider. Well… it’s 4:30am and I’m tired… so I’ll take a look at this tomorrow. Ok… until next time

Haha… oh my goodness… I haven’t been this lit up in awhile. I have to laugh at myself because I’ve been so stagnant and resting that it’s been awhile since I’ve got my attention attracted to something and how I get when this happens… hehe… I’ve been trying to find housing and I’m posting and reaching out to quite a bit of people to see if I can get a lead. I have two so far and a possible third one. They’re all good prospects and the two I’ve spoken to actually I’d like to go and visit them if I don’t choose to room with them. The first one is a young single mom with a six year old daughter. She sent some really sweet pictures of her apartment. I’d be moving into her office. She’s from Uruguay and she said she’d love to find more opportunities to speak Spanish to help me learn… hehe… but we had a good conversation. This year in Indiana I had noticed there more in counters with the Mormon community and I didn’t know if I mentioned it here on the journal… I know I mention a few things but I remember asking myself what’s going on here? I grew up with a Mormon family that I absolutely adore but it seemed like they were coming up more often and now I feel it was trying to maybe prepare me for moving to Utah… there’s a large population of Mormons who live there. And many that I’ve met and spoke to our very open to other beliefs… it’s really refreshing. The second person I spoke with is around my age and has two children one son and one female. They would be visiting every other weekend. He doesn’t have a lease right now and suggested for us to go in on a place together. He’s from El Salvador and also was talking about learning Spanish and his experience learning English. He actually seemed he had an interest and a knack for learning languages… and the nuance between them and the connections as well. We had a good conversation and he had a pretty funny comment at the end of our conversation. I was telling him that I spoke to the young mom and also waiting to hear back from a lady who owns a horse maybe horses? And he said so right now I have a decision to speak with the Cho voy (there’s a tendency for Uruguayans to have a che in their Spanish) or speak Neeeeeehhhh (horse sound)… I laughed out loud because I wasn’t expecting him to make that noise, but I loved it too… And I told him the horse language is something I’m really interesting in learning. He actually grew up around horses when he was younger and said there is a language that can be learned by being around them. But these two option are both in the city. I’ll live in the city, but I’d much prefer to be in a small town instead. So I’m holding out and seeing what options may come up. So this third option I happened to find looking at housing groups in Utah. I saw her post on someone’s ad that she has a quiet place for the right person. I clicked on her image and she happened to share four friends from Colorado. I reached out to one of our mutual friend to see if they knew her directly. Unfortunately she only knew her on FB, but she says she looks like good people. So I went ahead and messaged her. I received a message from her saying to give her my phone number because she doesn’t read her messages often. So I replied and with more information. So she’s the one who owns the horse. I’m getting so hopeful but trying to keep grounded… but dude…. Dude!!!! If I can work out in the wilderness helping and learning therapeutic practices for 8 days and then spend time with a horse or horses for 6 days… I would have found the jackpot! Lol… but I’m also a bit concerned about not having a vehicle so I’m really trying to hit the different groups in the town and surrounding towns where the company’s base location is. The ads have been interesting. I’ve been talking to a few people who have responded to my ad. Mostly running into the issue of having Elvis with me. But one wanted me to be fully vaccinated to be able to move-in and right now I’m not interested in getting fully vaccinated so it wasn’t going to work out. They actually had some political ideological questions for me which I found interesting… hehe… asked if I was liberal? If I believe in Covid? How I feel about Trump? Stance on Black Lives Matter? Let’s just say I gave a thorough response to each question and he appreciated the thoughtfulness in my response. But I did find it interesting. They didn’t offer their opinion on the questions but I figured it’s ok to let that conversation go. But then I got a comment about Utah is full… which I laughed at… but also thought… hmm… maybe I’m too liberal for many people here? But I’m conservative in many ways as well. Two ladies in the actual town’s group posted that my ad was a scam… I clicked the surprised icon… I was like what? How is my ad considered a scam? Well I might have been overly lengthy in my response… maybe I’ll add a picture if I remember at the end of the journal, but I was trying to convenience them I wasn’t… hehe… and that’s when I started writing on here… I need to relax a bit. Maybe this is giving me an idea of the mentality of the people who live in town.. but I know I can’t assume that to be for everyone who lives there. And I was a little blunt at first but gave more details… hopefully other locals who read this will reach out to see if I’m a real person looking to rent a place… hehe… but I’m trying to see if I can set something up before I arrive… but I know honestly that’s not going to stop me from going and checking out this opportunity in person. I have a feeling this is exactly what I’ve been looking for. I’m trying to look at this in many directions and trying different approaches. I’ve even contacted a leasing company because they’re looking for a part-time leasing agent. I have the experience and actually one of the top marketers in the corporation. So I was going to see if I can work some days on my days off and see if I could live on site possibly. It’s in the city though and I haven’t actually heard back but that was one way I was trying to approach it. I thought well maybe I can try to convenience my step mom to sell her van to me and allow me to pay it off in four to five months. She said she’s needing the large lump sum right now so she would rather get someone to fix the issues and then sell it for a larger amount. She has a brand new vehicle which has been a struggle for her to keep up with payments. Her payments are around $1000/month and I told her if she allows me to pay it off I’d be able to give her $1000 or actually more a month to pay it off. But she thinks she’ll get the lump sum and just pay it up front when she gets it. I was hoping to be able to be more mobile but also if I have to sleep in the van then that would be a temporary solution. There’s a RV resort in the small town and it has one more tent spot vacant that I can rent for $200 a month… and that might be my option if I can’t really find what I’m looking for before I go to training. It’s tricky because you just never know when someone will book it before I need it. But Im just not at that desperate spot quite yet… hehe… with it being that low, I’d be able to purchase a tent to stay in and be able to make some rounds around town for a month or two to see if I can find opportunities. I saw a listing for a trailer in that town where they are trying to sell their trailer for $8000… the pictures show that they started the demolition in the interior and wanted to remodel it but gave up on it. So let’s say it’s pretty rough, but I messaged them and asked if Elvis and I could rent it for cheap for a month or two and while I’m there I can do some cleanup and light construction to get the place a little more completely look to be able to sell it easier… only if he’s open to the idea of it. I did that when I was in Colorado… I do whatever I gotta do… to some extent but I’m pretty open hehe… I keep remembering that with the communications with this position that I could also wait until the training and speak with the staff there and see if they are looking for roommates and I might be able to find something with them. So I still have that in mind… Again…I’d prefer to have something lined up even for a month before getting there…. So maybe that tent spot because that will give me a month to see what I can attract and find. I’ve done it before, but do I want to do it again? I’m going to be asking whether there is a carpooling opportunity for the training program. They do for staff, but if Im not technically staff yet will there be any opportunities? This will help determine whether I’m going to fly or drive. My stepmom will let me use the van to get dropped off if I need it. She wants to help me, but she’s really concerned about her payments. Flying would be much more cost efficient but I’d have to have a ride to the training from Salt Lake. If I have to get dropped off it goes from $200 for a ticket to $800 in gas.. which I’ll bite the bullet if I have to. Shoot that RV resort has really amazing reviews about the family who owns and runs it and I’ve been even thinking about buying a used camper and parking it there. If I stay in the tent for a few months I could buy one I saw in two months… I might go and check the camper out again…it was more like I spotted it while I was searching but was primarily looking for apartments or home or roommates… but that’s an option I’ll explore too just in case. The real thing is I’m putting a lot of urgency into this and I just need to relax… I’m hoping the lady with the horse calls in the next few days… that will give me more peace of mind whether it’s an option or not… because I feel that’s what I would really want. I’m assuming she’ll have some land I think I might remember seeing a dog… I don’t know my mind is repetitively thinking about horses so it’s hard not to get excited about almost having the chance. I’ve been telling a few people about what’s going on… I’ve been getting a lot of mixed feelings… many are very happy for me but they also are bummed I’m going to be moving. Oh my goodness one of the guys I’ve been working in ceremony with confessed his love for me. I told him that I’m not looking… I’ve already have my eye on the one I want to share that type of relationship with. He said that he’s thankful for me being upfront with him. I laughed to myself because I thought I was already being upfront with him about this… a few times… especially when I am considering sharing ceremonies the Australian man always comes up and how much these messages might be considered the most challenging that I’ve received. But I told him that I’m happy he understands (finally). But again I hope I’m not jumping the gun and building this up more then what it is so I’m really looking forward to the interview… my concern is it’s only going to be 30 minutes… to me… that’s not a lot of time… hehe… So I have to keep reminding myself to keep it concise as much as possible, but on the other hand I feel I won’t be as authentic and I’ll just see how it goes and hopefully flows. But I know the training will really be what I want to experience to test out what it’s actually involved with this program and whether I’m ready for this style of work. It’s definitely going to be tough. I feel like there’s going to be a select few who would be able to thrive in this position. I feel I might be one of those few who would genuinely thrive in this atmosphere. I feel I won’t have to have a shell… they say they’re open but can I speak about my spiritual practices? I probably not bringing it up to the young men, but the staff? I’d hope I’d be able to express this… I don’t usually have any reservations… or maybe I’m not good at filtering anymore.. hehe Well… I should get some rest before tomorrow.. wish me luck until next time

So I might be jumping the gun, but when I said I’ve been stagnant for awhile… that means when I see an opportunity that looks very promising… then I’m ready to go, go, go… hehe… So I’m talking about this position in Utah. I was thinking that I’d be applying and moving in January and getting a gig for a few months to save. Well… I went to my hometown gig and unfortunately the position I was going to apply for was filled. I went back online to check to see if there were other positions that interested me and there really wasn’t… hehe… they were 2nd and 3rd shifts running machines at other locations outside of town. I wasn’t really thrilled about taking these positions honestly so it might have been easy to not really push to get these positions. There was the other job that I had thought about applying for out of town with the babies to toddlers at Gymboree. They said they had positions available in Indiana but when I called they said they’re not looking for anyone at this time… so…. Why not go ahead and see if I can swing this opportunity in Utah now rather than January? So I’ve been enjoying the communication that’s been going on with the recruitment department. And I just went ahead and filled out the online application and let her know that I applied. She automatically pushed me through for a phone interview which is setup for Monday. If the 30 minute interview goes well, then I’d go to the training/interview between October 12th to the 19th to actually get the real feel of what I’d be doing and who I’m going to be working with. See if they’re a fit for me and I for them. Again… why not see if this really is something I’ve been looking for instead of waiting for the new year? So originally I thought I wouldn’t have the funds to swing this, but I have to remember that I did something very similar six years ago when I moved out to Colorado. When I moved to Colorado I had a part-time job and no housing and didn’t know any locals… I had $200 in my pocket and two cats in our van… hehe… so what should be stopping me from taking another risk? I have a little money saved up to at least get me a flight there and back with a bit extra for probably most of my move-in cost. There wouldn’t be much I’ll have to borrow and even though it’s not ideal to borrow the money… it’s not the end of the world and I know I’ll be able to pay it back on my first check. So they’d have to wait two to three weeks… not a big deal. So I don’t need to make money an excuse. Also I am going to keep my cat here in Indiana while I figure these arrangements out. Housing seems like it would be great to have lined up before going, but in honesty I don’t know if this position is what I’m thinking it’s going to be.. and who knows maybe I’m not in the physical shape they’re looking for either. So I started positing some ISO ads online trying to see what kind of options that might be available. Also the company seems to feel that I can also wait to talk to fellow staff members and see if I could find housing along with them. Also they’ll give me three days of temporary housing in the town the position is in… so I’ll have a chance to see if I can talk to locals. I’ll need to check out what’s in the town and see where there are locations that I can socialize. Shoot again in Colorado… I literally started a job on the weekend and that Monday I moved into a locals home to help him out and of course for him to help us out too. When I found my own spot I was working at the grocery store and I just spoke to all the locals if they knew of anyone wanting to rent out a space or at least consider it. And that’s how I got a spot in the backyard in a grandma’s cabin in a beautiful garden… hehe… so I’ll try to see what I can do online… coworkers… but then go in for the locals… something will fall through even temporary until I can get some paychecks saved up in the bank. I even saw this mobile home which isn’t fully finished and a bit run down… shoot… I might be able to talk about working on the place for them… I just never know until I start chatting with people. So I called my buddy in Colorado who is going to be heading out to his Cabo condo at the beginning of October. He’s looking forward to the change of scenery and friends. I was excited about this position and he starts laughing at me and said that sounds terrible… lmao… I’m like I don’t really care if you’re trying to talk me out of this…this really sounds like something I want to try out. But I love the honesty so that’s why I wanted to chat. Really he was saying that sleeping in a sleeping bag with a tarp as coverage would be not fun…which I agree with. But when I applied they sent more information about the program and I saw the youth who are the guests of this program have to be in the wilderness for 10-14 weeks. That kind of put things a little in perspective… these 13-17 year old guys are sleeping like this for close to three months in the wilderness. This company has been doing this for about twenty-two years… and it seems they found this isn’t an issue. So I need to keep an open mind. I’m debating about asking them if I can bring a hammock with me in case I need to take a break from the ground. Will they consider this? I’m in my 40s… there’s a bit of a difference in our bodies… I’ll try my best to do as the group is doing, but hopefully they might be open for me to bring it “just in case.” I’m also wanting to bring my yoga mat to use as a pad as well.. hehe. We’ll see what they say. But they gave me more detail about this program; it’s a therapeutic facility which chose to work in the wilderness without walls. This is what seems like an added bonus for what I was looking for. I was looking for wilderness training but to get the training and also having it geared towards therapy sounds awesome. There was another PRO that I didn’t really think of right away, but the quality of conversations we’ll be sharing. This is where I’ve been challenged with lately and trying to develop my social chit chat… hehe. It will be nice to have a community that’s going to be more intentional with their conversations. Even if there might be som intense and uncomfortable moments… I’d be much more interested in this than conversations about nothing much… hehe. Right… ceremonies and prepare for ceremonies brings up conversations that aren’t always being discussed in a casual manner. I know I should balance out my conversations… but honestly I’ve had so many chatty-chat that it’s been very skewed and some needed intentional conversation would be appreciated… hehe… that would create the balance. So the primary modality they use is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). I really love that the main concepts involved will be mindfulness, acceptance, and open mindedness. I’m looking forward to see how they apply these concepts. DBT is sometimes considered a part of the "third wave" of cognitive-behavioral therapy, as DBT adapts CBT to assist patients in dealing with stress. [14][15] This approach was developed by Marsha M. Linehan, a psychology researcher at the University of Washington. She defines it as "a synthesis or integration of opposites".[3] DBT was designed to help people increase their emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers that lead to reactive states and by helping to assess which coping skills to apply in the sequence of events, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to help avoid undesired reactions. DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness largely derived from contemplative meditative practice. (Wikipedia) ‘Dialectical Behavioral Therapy’ (2023) Wikipedia. Available at: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy. Accessed on: 29 September 2023. I was speaking with my pops and was kind of comparing their program to what I’m wanting to create. I know that there are some things I’m going to want to do differently but with so many similarities it’s really got me interested. SIMILARITIES: 1. Wilderness setting and training. I can see we both agree that the beauty of the wilderness is beautiful and can be appreciated when there’s not so much conflict in the mind. The wilderness narrows down distractions and unplug from the daily grind. Being in a group in the wilderness will build team and communication skills. Differences: Our group is going to be of a maturing age. Comfort is going to more of a concern than theirs. Like I said I’m concerned about sleeping on the ground. In our expedition I’m thinking of how to bring cots, hammocks, pads, and pillows to help with option for everyone to get peaceful rest. Because of the extra weight we are not going to be focusing on backpacking… we’ll be doing horse packing to help with our equipment. I’m still banking on having helicopter access as well to assist in this but also maybe some other comforts or items to lessen the weight being carried by the animals and in our packs. 2. Purification of conditioned mindsets and openly exploring our ideas. I’m assuming we both are aware that our mind is maturing… so being able to question what we think we know right now and open for alternative ways to look at our thoughts. Differences: Their group is I’m assuming a little more clinical in their approach. Which isn’t a bad thing… actually I’m looking forward to learning more and able to find ways to incorporate approaches. Our group will be on the mindset of spiritual and enlightenment work. No ones going to be looking for someone else to give them answers, but exploring their answers they derive from the level of consciousness they’re at… and open to re-examine their decisions in the future as their levels elevate. 3. Extra adventure activities. Both of our groups like to be adventurous and participate in activities that can be done in the wilderness. Activity examples can be rock climbing, rappelling, spelunking, canyoneering things along those lines. Differences: Honestly there wouldn’t be much differences here except we’ll be adventurous by participating in ceremonies in the wilderness. I’ve gotten messages about doing ceremonies in caves… who knows maybe we’ll find an opportunity in this expedition, maybe not… but we’ll be open to it as a possibility. We’ll also be involved with horses or possibly other animals so there will be training and activities that might involve them other than just having them work for us. If we get everyone good and comfortable with navigation we can possibly allow the horses to roam and graze wherever they want. Make sure they’re enjoying their experience too. So yeah… I’m hoping I’m not building this up too much, but I’m getting more and more excited. Looking forward to how the phone interview goes. That’s good for now… until next time.

Alright… so to continue from the last entry… I did made the longer recording of the yoga nidra. I’ve been using it and I enjoy it. I’ll go ahead and try to download the short, medium and longer version in case anyone wants to participate. I’m still mostly doing Surya Namaskara and yoga nidra… I haven’t gotten into the continuance of ashtanga yoga. So when I start to proceed on I’ll probably start sharing this in case again someone wants to begin this as practice too. I’ve been looking into winter positions and I ran across another promising position as a wilderness therapy mentor. They’ve been actually having back and forth conversations so I’m pretty confident they will give me a chance. But honestly I don’t know if I’m as prepared as I can be to apply. They have a training course that starts around the 11th of October and I’d have to relocate to Utah. I don’t have the funds saved up to relocate at this time but the next session will be in January. So that give me a few months to save up. I’ve been doing some gigs near Indy and I’ve been spending about a hundred dollars a week in travel expenses… maybe not quite that much but $80+… So I’m not working full time so that’s definitely been taking a huge chunk of what I’m making along with a bit of groceries. So I’ve mentioned the position in my hometown… I’m not sure if I’ll go this week, but most likely I’ll give it a go starting in October (so next week). I’m dragging my feet just a little bit because it’s a full time position… but I’ve got a direction I’m starting to put together and this will help motivate me. But I’m always looking for opportunities to arise that may align better with me. This last position working at the local concert music center is ending this Friday. Last week we did the FarmAid event and I helped setup the three days before the show on Saturday. They were scheduled for 14 to 15 hours a day… that wasn’t the case which I was thankful for. But there were some interesting conversations that I shared in. Mostly when it comes to Ayahuasca and DMT. I’m not sure but there seemed to be some conversations that I wasn’t a part of that ended up getting me involved to further explain… or at least to let me know that they’d like to take some time in the near future to discuss. It’s a bit odd but our last show is supposed to be this Friday like I said, but I haven’t heard back from the owner to have me be a part of the show. I figured I’d get one more day to exchange contact information with some of the peeps that shared in interesting conversations. I did get some friend requests which led to other profiles so I guess there’s still ways to be able to keep in contact with some of these people. I figured the owner was a little bothered that I didn’t participate in the actual show date on Saturday. I said I could do part of the day but I wouldn’t be available for the load out which is what they needed help with. Unfortunately I have side activities that are more important to me than the money I’ll be receiving. That money won’t replace the enjoyment of the experience I will have… and did have. I had a dinner at a retreat where our drum troupe performed with the group which was female drummers. It was wonderful! It was the biggest drum circle that I’ve been a part of as well. Close to 35 drummers and some where dancers so when there was a free style sessions… I got to get up and dance with them too. I loved it and ended the night with a bonfire and even picked out three pears from the tree to snack on… hehe… yes wonderful people… wonderful event and I’m glad I was a part of it. Also the following morning I already planned my next orienteering training about two hours south of my location. If I was to work I wouldn’t have been getting off until 4am and I needed to leave between 8-8:30am to make the meeting at the M-M State Forest. So another reason I didn’t want to take that shift. Hehe…. It’s a bit odd but when I speak to the owner most of the time it’s very laid back and it’s presented that it’s ok if I don’t want to work shifts… that’s kind of the whole thing that I liked about the position. It wasn’t a requirement. But it seems when I did say no then there were repercussions. Which isn’t a big deal but I didn’t think it would be a problem. I was supposed to be getting corporate gigs outside of the concert venue. The first time they asked me was two days before the event and I already had arrangements to go camping at the sand dunes along Lake Michigan with a buddy and so I apologized that I was unable to with such short notice… but I emphasized that I’m interested. I haven’t been asked back to a corporate event. They asked me to buy clothing for these events, which I did… good thing I’m good at thrifting because I didn’t spend much money on it. But still I thought I’d have more opportunities. And I guess since I didn’t work that night shift I’m not even being asked to return for the last shift? Well again… I’ve seen how to get a hold of most of the people who are sticking out in my mind that I’d like to keep in contact with from my co-workers and bosses. This has been a good stepping stone for me. I wanted to test out how well I’d respond in working mode again. I didn’t want to rush into a 40+ hour work load, because when I was trying to go back into this style when I returned I wasn’t lasting long. I needed time to integrate. I felt like I was ready to get back into it again but I wanted to move slowly and check how I feel… and now I’m thinking I can possibly go ahead and step into a 40 hour work week again. I’m hoping to save on money on gas by staying in town. But also for this wilderness therapy mentor position not only am I not prepared financially yet but also most likely physically. I’ve been doing a lot of walking and I can hike quite a bit, but none of this is done with equipment. I take my little buddy Elvee with me sometimes but even then I’m adjusting the backpack so he sits a little more comfortably to be able to carry him in the front. When I went to the State Forest… on the map we did 2 miles but it was a little longer because we weren’t walking on paths and on a straight line. I had a little backpack which had a two liter water pack, fruits and nuts for snacks, and then a set of shoes. I found pretty much a brand new pair of hiking boots at a second hand store and they weren’t broken in yet. So I thought maybe I should take an extra pair of comfy shoes in case these boots started to hurt my feet. Anywho… I didn’t have much weight on me but after the two hours I could feel the difference it took on my body. It wasn’t crazy unbearable or painful or anything… just more sensitive of how much more work it took then just taking myself. So as I’m talking to this new position things pop for my mind to consider, right? Well… let’s go over the position a bit more in detail. There are things I like about it and some things I’m a bit concerned about. I think it would be wise to take a deeper look into this… I’ve been applying for a few positions but this is the first one that’s been having dialogue back and forth which is definitely a positive. PROS: 1. Training will be provided to get certified in basic CPR/ First Aid and also Wilderness First Response Certificate which I’ve already been lookin into. The alternative is to pay for a course. So… what might be a con is this position wants a year commitment. That wasn’t really what I wanted originally but I also thought that the year experience might be beneficial. A. The courses I would take is first a 2 day course, then a 4 day course, and finally a 10 day course. Because it’s a course it would solely be focusing on wilderness medicine so it would be jammed pack with this for about a two week period. We will also receive handouts, guide books, and handbooks by taking their course which I feel would be of value. The cost for the three courses would be around $1200 which isn’t bad, but these courses are in different states and countries. So there’s going to be these costs to consider. There’s a Wilderness First Response course in Nepal that looks really interesting to me and I can go ahead and start getting a feel for the area. B. The position I’m looking to apply for does have a three week training period. They have an assistance program that directly relates to the certifications. But then I’ll get 11 more months of actual real life experience. I’ll be able to see how people behave and hopefully there aren’t any serious injuries… but maybe a knick here and there and possibly a twisted ankle possibly… again not that I want any of this to happen but there might be opportunities how I’ll respond and observe how others respond and how the recipient reacts as well. I can see this as valuable too. Shoot If I do get the experience through this position… this doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be interested in the WFR course in Nepal too… it might have more details specifically for their region which would not be trained in the mountains of Utah. But much should correlate. 2. It’s a wilderness position and the schedule would be working 8 days out on the field and then have six days off. This would be a good opportunity to slowly acclimate spending significant amounts of time in the wilderness. I mean eventually this expedition in the Himalayan mountains I’m assuming is going to be at least a month in the wilderness… if not up to three months at a time? But this should be developed and I can see this schedule as a good start the training process. Con: Now the downside about this schedule involves my little buddy Elvis. The wilderness position says they are used to dogs going along for the week but haven’t had any cats yet. They needed to look into more to see if this would be possible. I continued to asks questions and based on the answers I don’t think with this position he would be able to join us during the 8 days. This position is a minimal rugged camping. To reduce equipment being taken in they do not have tents. We’d be using sleeping bags on the ground and share a tarp for coverage over the sleeping bags. When it comes to Elvis he would need to have some time by himself. If there was a tent then I’d be ok with having him with us because I know once we find our spot to camp I’d be able to get him inside and he’d be able to relax. I’d really love to get him involved because I’d like him to get used to people and possibly dogs and traveling with groups in the wilderness. I did actually buy him this… what’s it called… a cattasaurus cave. Technically it could be enough space for him to find a space to feel secluded and safe from everything. But I just got this yesterday so I have to see if he will warm up to it. So far he’s got into it once and mostly using it to sharpen his claws… hehe. I’m hoping he’ll warm up to it more… we’ll see. But this could be a potential option though, instead of a tent. LOL… I’ve been thinking about things I’d be taking camping and I feel it’s very unusual compared to the standard… hehe… but we’ll see… I just seem to lean on the unusual. But yes if he cannot come then I need to find housing that will be willing to work with us. If we have our own housing then being able to plan how to have enough food, water, and litter available for that span of time. He’ll definitely have to get used to me not being there for that amount of time too. He’s used to a few days, but gone for a week is something else. But he did go three months when I went on vacation, but he had Mika at that time. He just might first think that I wouldn’t be coming back, but after the routine he’ll understand that I didn’t abandon him when I return. I don’t like the thought to be away from him so much but also it could do us good too. I don’t really know if he’ll be doing the expedition with us anyway. There’s a few situations where he might have to be in quarantine for over a week when we travel and so he can start getting used to me being away but returning consistently will help him get more comfortable with me not always being around. If we find a roommate I hope they would actually enjoy cats and at least help feed him and a little time to pay attention to him while I’m away. With a year commitment I’d only be seeing him half the year but it wold be spread out… this could all be doable. 3. It’s a therapy wilderness excursion. I feel this will be interesting… what will be trained and what I’ll be able to observe with the therapists and guests. A. I’m interested in seeing their therapy modalities using wilderness. This is similar to what I’m trying to create in the Himalayas. It’s not specifically for therapy but Spiritual and Enlightenment work… so we can assume there’s a link to therapy. Shoot we studied psychology for being a dance instructor… hehe… seeing what techniques they use I know will be valuable… even if it’s the case of what not to do. Which i’m not assuming is the case but sometimes this is the case. But I’m hoping it’s more of what to do in different situations with different people. Again having a year’s worth of experience should give many applicable examples. B. Of course I have my own ideas of how to work with people. I know I don’t have any degrees but I seem to be able to help out. I’m interested in working with the guests… but honestly I know I’ll be working with the leaders and teachers… that’s just how it goes normally. I’ll be observing them and I’ll usually find a way to casually approach and eventually get them to open up about their ideas of where they are and where they’re wanting to direct themselves towards. I’ve been successful in others subtle areas and we all can learn from each other. They say they are all about learning and support so I’d hope to think this is a group of similar minded community to meet. 4. There’s adventure programs that are included with the therapy. I’d be really interested in learning these skills as well… I can enjoy a bit of adrenaline from time to time. And I haven’t had the means to join in these activities before… but as a staff member… I can learn and join in on the fun! These activities can include rock climbing, rappelling, canyoneering, fly fishing, stand-up paddle boarding, low ropes courses, mountain biking, rafting and cross-country skiing. I’m not certain if these are included in all the trips but throughout the year I’d assume I’d be able to participate in these activities. Shoot if I found a community that enjoys in these activities… I’m sure there would be opportunities to join in on these activities not involved through work but on our time off. I guess there’s 16 days off paid vacation included for the full-time yearly agreement. 5. Gear Library and pro-deals for outdoor gear and apparel. I’m not sure what kind of deals this will be but I’m assuming I can get better equipment spending reasonable amount for them. I’m a thrifter though.. so I’ll still be keeping my options open for second hand… there’s seems to be treasure waiting to be found if we’re willing to look. But I can see the Gear Library as beneficial though. Throughout the training period we can borrow there supplies to see what equipment we enjoy using before purchasing big ticket items without a clue… which I fall into the have no clue category. Hehe… I enjoy hiking… when I did in Colorado it seemed like there was a difference between the locals and the visitors. We’d be in casual attire and the visitors would have all the name brand hiking attire on. Hehe… I think it’s going to take a while before I’m fully fitted out with name brand stuff… half the time I don’t know what I’m wearing I just know it’s comfortable and I like it. So if that’s the case with the name brand stuff… then I can work with that too hehe. CONS: But I want to try to look at them from a perspective that will help challenge and teach me something. 1. Sleeping on the ground in a sleeping bag for half the year. So I plan on bringing a yoga mat which can double as something like a sleeping pad. I tried sleeping one night like this camping this summer and I ended up going to the car to sleep to be more comfortable. There’s a lot of value that I can see in this position, but also know I prioritize my wellbeing and maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me, but I can foresee this as a hurdle I’ll have to overcome. Shoot when it comes to packing I can definitely see me wanting to skimp out on clothing just so I have more room to add padding to my sleeping bag. I can also use the clothing as pads as well… I’ll have to see. I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and give it a shot. Lol… in the expedition I’m wanting to plan sleeping is one of the main concerns that I’ve been looking into. I already know there are so many factors that are going to be playing on everyone physically, psychologically, and emotionally… I want to make sure they have a sleeping haven to actually get rest. I’m sure I’ll have to probably seriously consider having a hammock as an option to give myself a break from the ground. 2. Housing is not included with this position. The places I’ve been applying to includes housing and it just makes it easier. They advertise it as a plus that they don’t have housing because of the six days off thing. Many of their staff live the van life so they can travel anywhere on their days off. Which does sound nice, but I don’t have a van… so I’ve been looking into housing options in Salt Lake and surrounding areas. They seem to be pretty steep in monthly rates for even a shared living space… which I will only be there for half the year… but will be worth it to have my little buddy Elvis safe and sound in. I’ve got a few connections and trying to think of other possibilities as well… shoot I just thought of a possible option that I might have to look into… hmmm… it’d be Lake Tahoe though and might involve a lot of flying… maybe not the best option but might be a guy I need to ask his web of connections that I haven’t asked yet. Not only do I not have a van… I don’t plan on having a vehicle. Which if I live in say the Salt Lake area shouldn’t be an issue. This position has carpooling options from Salt Lake or Moab. On my days off I’d assume there would be public transportation to get around…. Oh no… I hadn’t even thought of living in a city again…. Lol… this is kind of a bummer. I like visiting cities but to live in one… I’ll only be there half the time… so that’s good there’s a balance there… ok… again this isn’t impossible just not as convenient to other positions I’ve applied for. I found out that one of the original twelve has moved back to Salt Lake. I don’t know if we’d spend much time together, but know she’s there will make a difference. At least a few times to visit would almost make everything worth it. 3. This doesn’t involve horses… hehe… there are a few positions that works with horses and I was really wanting to start learning about them. But this isn’t a deal breaker but if I do hear back from a position where horses are involved… well then that will start to make some difficult decisions. Especially if it involves horses and housing is on site and I don’t have to make a year commitment… hehe… there’s a spot in no-man’s land Idaho whom I’m hoping to hear back from. If I do… they’ll be high on the list. Did I mention the Patagonia volunteer program? Well I think I did… but this horse program is highly interesting to me… and this would be for three months. Again another reason to start getting Elvis comfortable for leaving him for periods of time. I’ve got to find someone who would actually enjoy watching him for that long. I’d like to say my dad, but it would be much more of a burden for him… but I know Elvis is comfortable in the house. We’ll get to that when we have to. So yeah this position seems to be up my alley… but again I’m open to new opportunities that come my way. All I know is I’m ready to make some moves… so getting this full-time gig is becoming more apparent to me. I’d love to say that I’d just be doing the shaman thing and be able to make enough money to do the training I’d like to take but there’s only a few hints here and there as possible opportunities. Most people are just talking and not ready to take action. And I’m ready to start taking action so I can feel like I’m making steps in the direction to creating my visions. I know it’s already happening… but these will be more tangible and not so subtle. I was just talking to my dad earlier about when I first received these visions in the jungle. I was definitely overwhelmed and it felt like I needed to completely halt progress… maybe in the physical aspect of things but yeah I needed my mental aspect to ground to see these visions aren’t as overwhelming as originally thought. I’m starting to see the steps now. Now the details aren’t known but the direction is starting to become clearer. The two times doing my orienteering is starting to see these visions differently as well. I just need to be placed in situations to get a different perspective for mind to look at things from different angles. It’s still needing to do this but it’s reassuring that each time I’m getting things out of it. The guy who is teaching me is also really good at asking me questions and giving me things to consider so it gives me direction on how to clarify what I’m trying to find. It’s been amazing that he hasn’t gotten upset with me not knowing the language of orienteering and mapping. I remind him that I have an idea of what I’m trying to do but I don’t know if I can explain it to him accurately…. And so far we’re doing really well going back and forth and he’s been very helpful and isn’t judging what I’m trying to accomplish. He’s helping ground me in many ways… when I thought about orienteering and mapping my mind goes in so many ways and he’s been helping me narrow down what I really would need. And the first project is in the jungle. And I’m able to break it down into bite sized chunks now. Just the basics of navigation, I’m already confident on the projects I want to construct here. I’ve always been confident in navigation but I’ve always had things simplified down for me. Now it’s my time to go and simplify it down for guests. I’m really looking forward to returning to Peru. I keep getting messages from my maestros… I’m so looking forward to dietas and then onto working personally with Aya to start finding what’s waiting for me to find. It’s there waiting patiently… I just got to figure out how to get out of my way and go and find it. It’s not as easy as I’d hope it to be… but it’s not too hard either. Well… this seems like a good place to take a break… I’ll download the yoga nidra recordings… reminder I’m not a professional speaker or yoga teacher. Please use these responsibly. I’ve got times where I fumble with my words and say the wrong pronunciation or word for that matter… give me a break… I’m sharing to share… I’ve done my critiques on them and they’re not major enough for me to not want to share them. I hope someone will find it helpful. Welp… I guess the files are too large to download. I’ll see if I can adjust them. I’ll edit if necessary. Until next time

Alright… I just wanted to come and write about about how I see why I haven’t been teaching the ashtanga yoga to my lady friend. As I am introducing yoga back into my life experience I start to remember the sequences I had used and it seems like I’m ready to go deeper into these practices. Again I found myself working on things so I can share it with her, but then realized that there is a desire to teach it to myself on a deeper level as well. I can explain when it comes to the practice. Ashtanga has many asanas and are connected to our breathing. I remember how much I enjoy doing this. When I was being taught Ashtanga in a group I remember that the breathing and movement were faster than I would have originally liked. I felt like I wanted to go slower so I could breath fuller using breath that is closer to yogic breath. Ujjayi is actually asked to be used during Ashtanga practice. “Ujjayi is a specialized breathing technique which means victorious. This unique form of breathing is performed by creating a soft sound in the back of the throat while inhaling and exhaling through the nose. It is helpful to gently smile while breathing to allow the air to swirl around the back of the throat before continuing its journey to the lungs. The swirling action is what creates the uniques sound which has been described as wind in the trees, a distant ocean, a cobra snake or, for the less poetic, Darth Vader from “Star Wars”. Swenson, David. “Ashtanga Yoga: ‘The Practice Manual’ An Illustrated Guide to Personal Practice. The Primary and Intermediate Series plus Three Short Forms. Ashtanga Yoga Productions. Austin, Texas. 1999. (Pg 8). The main idea is to create a rhythm in the breath and ride it gracefully through the practice. This sound becomes a mantra to set the mind in focus. We must learn to listen to the breath. It is the guide which will tell us the quality of our practice. If we apply too much effort, the breath will become constricted or forced. With too little focus, the Ujjayi breath may be drowned out by the sound of our own thoughts. Maintain awareness upon your breath and every moment becomes a meditation. (Pg. 8) Vinyasa “The marriage of Breath and Movement”. Vinyasa is the unique linking of one asana to the next in a serpentine flow. It is mare than a simple set of physical maneuvers. It is a dynamic marriage of our internal and external worlds. Vinyasa is an outward expression of the subtle movement of life force. It is a manifestation of Praha. Vinyasa orchestrates balance. A balance of strength and flexibility, lightness and heaviness, movement and stillness. Through vinyasa one may know the vibration of life. This integration manifests when the act of breathing and movement cease to be separate entities. The two actions converge to creat a symphony of seamless unity. Each action encourages the other. They exist as one. The mind is then set free and the practice may become a rhythmic dance. (Pg. 11) Surya Namaskara Surya = Sun Namaskara = Greeting or Salutation “Sun Salutation”. The Foundation. Surya means the sun and Namaskara is a greeting of honor and respect to the divinity present in each of us. The entire foundation of Ashtanga Yoga is based upon the dynamic flow of Surya Namaskara A and B. Surya Namaskara is the birth of your practice. It is here that we may set the rhythm and mood for each session of yoga. The entire series, whether it be Primary, Intermediate or Advanced, is an extension and refinement of the movement learned in the sun salutations. This dynamic marriage of breath and movement into a serpentine flow is what sets this system of yoga apart from other methods. It does not mean that one system is better than the other, it is simply that there are many approaches to achieve a similar goal. Feel the relationship between movement and breath when practicing Surya Nmaskara or the vinyasa sequence. Weaving these two actions together creates a tapestry of grace and stability both physically as well as within the subtle reals of our consciousness. Find the rhythm in your breath and allow your body to respond to it. Feel the inhales lift the body into the Upward Dog and the exhales propel the body into Downward Dog. Identify breath as the source of movement and the very coree of our existence. Ride it as you would a wave in the ocean or respond to it the way your body responds to music. Use only the energy required to get you from point A to point B. Relax areas that are not required to be engaged. Feel the air move across your body as you move through space. Be free. Be light. Be joyful in the experience and expression of your personal practice. (Pg. 15) I’ll insert attachments of Surya Namaskara A and B if anyone is curious to begin a practice of Ashtanga Yoga. I remember this is why Ashtanga spoke to me when I was introduced because Surya Namaskara from my other manual drew my attention and I was practicing Surya Namaskara already on the daily and Ashtanga yoga continued with much more elaboration on asanas to continue. These Ashtanga have slight differences to them I noticed and I enjoy all the variations that I’ve been introduced to thus far. Surya Namaskara is a dynamic exercise. It is neither an asana nor a part of traditional yoga. But because it is such a wonderful practice we have incorporated it into the yoga techniques that we teach. We always recommend practitioners to include it as an essential and integral part of their yoga program. It revitalizes the whole body, removes all signs of sleep and is excellent for preparing the body and mind so that maximum benefits can be derived from the subsequent asanas, pranayama, meditation practices and so on… In short, it harmonizes the whole body-mind complex… it can be practiced at almost any time of the day and in any place. No special preparations are necessary. Saraswati. Swami Satyananda. “A Systematic Course in the Ancient Tantric Techniques of Yoga and Kriya”. Yoga Publications Trust, Munger, Bihar, India. 2013. Pg. 133. Symbolic and spiritual significance: The sun has been adored since time immemorial. The ancient people worshipped the sun with awe, knowing that the sun generates the heat and light necessary to sustain life. They knew that without it there would be no life and no movement. If the sun ceased to exist then life would be snuffed out like a flame of a candle. (Pg. 133) Let us consider the Hindu trinity - Brahma the creator, Vishnu the sustainer and Shiva the destroyer. These symbolize three aspects of life and directly related to the daily movement of the sun. The passage of the sun can be divided into three phases - the rising, the midday and the setting phase. In time these came to represent the three aspects of life - growth or creation, sustenance or maturity and death, destruction or decay. Thus evolved Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. Brahma, the creator, is symbolized by the dawn, the creator, is symbolized by the dawn, the time when things come alive and the daytime cycle starts again. Vishnu the sustainer, is symbolized by the daytime sun which radiates energy into the world allowing things to grow and live. Shiva, the destroyer, is symbolized by the setting sun, which takes with it the energy vibration of the sun. Yet this disappearance of the sun is only a prelude to its resurrection the following morning. Sunset is necessary for growth, replenishment and rejuvenation, in the same way as destruction of previous concepts is neccessary for spiritual growth. (Pg. 133-134) The sun was not only worshipped because of its material nature and power, though it might well have been by less informed persons. The sun itself is a symbol. It symbolizes spiritual illumination and knowledge, the light in the darkness of ignorance. It represents the essence, the spirituality which exists in all material things. It is the essence which is worshipped by the more enlightened people of the ancient cults and religions. The material sun is the manifestation of the deeper, hidden background of substratum… The spiritual sun represents the spiritual aspects of existence, and from it the material sun of material aspects of life is derived. Therefore, it is the spiritual sun that is regarded as the source of power and inner light but because the material sun can be seen by all, it is this aspect that is seemingly worshipped…. Many people still worship the sun in one form or another. You can treat Surya Namaskara as an expression of your regard for the sun, whether it is the material aspect or that underlying spiritual aspect that the material sun symbolizes. Or, if you are not inclined to worship, then do Surya Namaskara for the sake of maintains and inducing good health. This is the stepping stone to spiritual awareness and peace. (Pg. 134) In this manual Surya Namaskara has Asanas, Vinyasa (breath connected to movement), Awareness, and Relaxation like the Ashtanga manual but they also include Mantras. A mantra is a combination of syllables, sounds or phrases, realized by ancient sages which have been widely known in India for thousands of years. They are evocative sounds and through their power of vibration have subtle, yet powerful and penetrating effects on the mind and body. While doing Surya Namaskara, a particular mantra is repeated either silently or uttered aloud with with each position. When Surya Namaskara is combined with correct breathing and these bija mantras (seed sounds), the entire mind and intellect are energized. These bija mantras create a vibration and it is this which creates the energy. Mantras may or may not have specific meanings, but the vibrations which they create should reach every fiber of one’s being. The mantras of Surya Namaskara are energized sound. When repeated loudly, clearly and with devotion, these mantras give the greatest possible benefits to those who utter them, either in hastening the curing of an ailment, acquiring stability of mind and self-control, or dissolving tensions caused by modern living. The bija or see mantras are: 1. Om hram 2. Om hrim 3. Om hrum 4. Om hraim 5. Om hraum 6. Om hrah. The full mantras, one for each movement of the exercise are: 1. Om Hram Mitraya Namah (friend) 2. Om Hrim Ravaye Namah (shining) 3. Om Hrum Suryaya Namah (beautiful light) 4. Om Hraim Bhanave Namah (brilliant) 5. Om Hraum Khagaya Namah (who moves in the sky) 6. Om Hrah Pushne Namah (giver of strength) 7. Om Hrama Hiranyagarbhaya Namah (golden centered) 8. Om Hrim Marichaye Namah (lord of the dawn) 9. Om Hrum Adityaya Namah (son of Aditi) 10. Om Hraim Savitre Namah (beneficent) 11. Om Hraum Arkaya Namah (energy) 12. Om Hrah Bhaskaraya Namah (leading to enlightenment) However, before you attempt to integrate these mantras with each position we strongly advise that you first perfect the physical movement and synchronization of breath in surya Namaskara to gain the maximum benefits. Sequence for learning Surya Namaskara: You should first familiarize yourself with the twelve postures. In the initial stage only be concerned with mastering the sequence of the physical movements, paying little or no heed to the breathing or mantra repetition. Eventually you will find that all the movements are performed automatically; little or no conscious thought or direction is required. At this stage the movements have been programmed into the mind. Awareness of the physical movement is very important. After this has been mastered ensure that the breath is correctly synchronized with the movement. Awareness should be on both the physical movement and the breathing. Later the mantras can be learnt and synchronized with each position. In the final stage the awareness should be directed as much as possible on the movement, breathing and mantra repetition. In its final form, Surya Namaskara consists of these different aspects welded together to give an integrated whole. Therefore, to make sure that the final practice is correct it is essential to master this technique in the process I’ve manner described. (Pg. 134-135) I’ll attach the Surya Namaskara from this manual which will give three approaches one can include into their yoga practice is so desired. Lol… it’s funny I didn’t think I was going to get into this much detail when I began to write in the journal. I’ve actually been finding more benefits in the closing of the practice which is Yoga Nidra. That’s where I’ve been seeing some changes in my practice. So far I have mostly been doing the Surya Namaskara A and B… but when I’m doing these I remember my original Surya Namaskara which is the third one I introduced and I’m going to start adding this back into the beginning of my practice. I did a little with mantras before but I feel I could be ready to include them in more consciously and with more practice. That’s what I’m seeing is that I seem to be ready to go deeper into the practices. So I haven’t really gone into the Ashtanga Yoga sequences yet. Surya Namaskara is actually supposed to prep the body before going into the beginning Ashtanga sequence. I introduced the standing sequence once so far. I try to go slowly and not to push things too quickly when I’m bringing a practice into my life experience. Yoga has been very fulfilling for me in the past and it is doing the same for me now but I have noticed once I get into a space that I share with others that I tend to not continue my practice for some reason. I’m doing my practice in the bedroom I’m in at my dad’s place and he’s tried to talk to me while I was in practice. He seemed to want to apologize for disturbing my practice but I just continued and try to answer him to the best of my abilities. Once I finished I came and talked to him with my attention given to him only instead of my main focus during practice to my practice. Since it’s been awhile since I’ve done any asana sequences Surya Namaskara has been the sequence and afterwards I go into Yoga Nidra. When I was wanting to share this with my girl friend I knew I was going to have to create a sound clip for us to use and for her to use when I’m not around. So I’ve been creating different versions. I’ve been writing out what I want to say to guide through the practice of yoga nidra. Then I record and try to go slow for the pace of guidance. But then I have to practice it myself using the recordings and then during the practice I find I want to change up the pace and also adjust the words. Also different things come up to my memory which I want to incorporate. I have done a smaller version about 20 minutes long. Then I have a longer version about 40 minutes long. I’ve done the longer version a few times now and I know that I’m wanting to do a version specifically for myself that will be even longer and geared for my development and not have to think about what needs to be included for anyone else who might listen. So I’ll continue to work on that later today. I hope I’ll be recording it tonight. Many times I’ve been working on this at night and I can hear the cicadas buzzing in the night and I really love that… so I want to go outside to record my session to have that in the background. I think I’ll go ahead and finish my recording before I start laying out the details about yoga nidra. If anyone wants to start the Surya Namaskara before my next entry in the Journal then I would just recommend after the rounds of Surya Namaskara whether its any or all of the different Surya Namaskara allow time to rest in Shavasana or the corpse pose. Lay flat with the arms relaxed to the side and palms facing up and legs straight and slightly apart. At this stage just lay down and rest until sufficient amount of time to unwind from the movement we did during Surya Namaskara. Many people enjoy exercise and forget the importance of rest afterwards. The resting period for me seems to almost triple in the amount of time it took to exert energy during the exercise. So lie in Shavasana as long as time permits and hopefully there isn’t any urgent situation so we can really relax as much as we want. Ok… this is a good time to pause and until next time… I hope someone enjoys the practice. Surya Namaskara - Tantra Techniques.pdf Surya Namaskara - Ashtanga A and B .pdf

Alright… so I thought I could write a bit. I wanted to say about the wonderful drum sessions I had this weekend but I did just run into a situation where I found myself a bit frustrated and so I guess I should explore this more. There was an older gentleman who invited me to one of these drum circles and there were two other events going on in Indy which was going to be between my break at work so I thought why not. After my first shift I felt good and once I went to the first event, the festival of faiths. This same gentleman told me about the event and he implied that is was going to be an Asian Indian event. I wasn’t sure but I told him I was just looking up some different Indian restaurants to go eat lunch. So sweet I’ll be able to find a vendor at the festival. Well I didn’t find a vendor but there did happen to be a drum circle to start the festival off… which was unexpected and very fun. So there were several booths of different religions who are all trying to share their views and open to others views. So I enjoyed this setting. When it came to the drum circle all the different religions brought a few of their members and the guests who are visiting all sat around in a circle with two rows of drums. There were all different levels and most were beginners. I love that they still wanted to join and they were smiling as they were participating. There were two leaders and the man was the one who was creating the heartbeat of the rhythm. The one was the one who was creating the fun by stopping us and getting us involved in different ways… and we’d all say 1..2..3… let’s get back to the groove… and I cannot explain with any degree of justice but it was a great event and I really appreciated their approach. Everyone left with smiles and I thought it was all quite brilliant. There’s another drum circle that is involved with a university that involves drumming, dancing, and sometimes singing. There was a large group there which was great because there were many cultures that were being introduced that aren’t necessarily being represented usually. So we had African, Puerto Rico, Japan, American Indian, and Middle Eastern cultures being taught. It was really fun. Usually it’s only an hour long but we ended up going for two hours. There are students who take this course for an extra curricular activity and there were around eight new students… and I could see they were really enjoying themselves. Which of course is wonderful and they were willing to participate which again isn’t always the case. I ended up going to Canal to visit with the gentleman who invited me and I brought some of the other crew from the university to join us at the canal. And I was drumming with several new people. This was more of a freestyle situation. I found that when I was playing this day that I felt a bit more comfortable then when I used to attend years ago. Practicing and learning from the drum troupe has really given me more confidence and I can feel myself more comfortable to try things out during these freestyle sessions. I assumed this would be the case, but I actually experienced the difference and it was a pleasant surprise. So… the gentleman who invited me turned 80 this year. He’s in good health and I enjoy his company but he wanted me to come to his house to chat the following day. I told him that I’ve been very extroverted during this weekend so I’d prefer to just stay at home tomorrow but let’s chat online and see where it goes. So Monday we had a brief conversation… and then yesterday he said that he just wants to get to know the real me. And that he doesn’t even know much…. He said that once i mentioned Aya to him years ago… it was just apparent to him that he liked me without really knowing me. So he wanted me to talk to him in person for a day. He knows that I don’t visit Indy as often right now because of gas prices and I like to make a day full of events to make the trip for me. I said if he continues to do the drum circles at the canal then that makes at least two drumming events and for me that makes it worth it for me to come to Indy for Sundays… cannot guarantee that I’ll come every time but it’s highly likely if I’m feeling up for it and I don’t have any other obligations. But what he doesn’t realize also is I want to see where he’s at… so I figured why can we not go ahead and have a conversation online or over a video chat… things like this before coming to his place for the entire day. He offered me gas money to do this… and I thanked him but let’s start here and see where it leads. He’s been sending me videos lately and 99% of the time I’m not watching these videos. Lol… mostly because there’s no conversation beforehand to why this video will be exciting to watch. Is there going to be a conversation afterwards? What I assume is people are bored and find something they find interesting and want to share. I understand this but that’s what I would consider as good content to place on their social media because there friends have an opportunity to engage with the video if they find it interesting as well. When they send it directly to my messages then I’m assuming this is something of importance to engage together with. Well this isn’t the case. I feel like I’ve already spoke about this but darn it I still have to handle these situations. And I’m getting better at clearly letting people know how I feel when this happens in our relationship. So this gentleman finally started texting questions that he was wanting to get deep into conversation with what’s being contemplated in his mind. I thanked him for taking the time to express some real thought in an engaging conversation instead of just sending me videos and memes to my attention. I haven’t actually asked his permission to discuss what we were talking about so I won’t go into detail. I’m still a bit hesitant to discuss anything about this because I haven’t gotten his permission but I felt that I would just be very vague. If we continue to have any deep conversations then I’ll ask him permission… after our conversation today I’m uncertain if it will continue at all anyway… hehe… geesh I got frustrated with him. I didn’t go overboard but I was being blunt and tried to get him to understand a different way to approach conversations with me. So I spoke with him a lot yesterday. He was using two different accounts and was messaging me with both accounts. I finally asked him which one of these accounts does he want me to engage with. I’ll go ahead and remove the other account. I don’t need two accounts to have discussions with him. He was avoiding me question for awhile and finally I said that many people are scattered and I have enough issues myself at being scattered so to help myself out. I’m going to go ahead and choose one and then I’ll remove the other. So he said that would be fine. When I woke up I got a message from him… he was excited about something and wanted me to get a hold of him as soon as I could. Well at that moment I didn’t want to talk… I wanted to do my yoga and I also wanted to do a round of disc golf before I reached out. I went ahead and did a video chat. So we’re saying our hellos and he starts going into wanting to send me a video that gave him a different perspective and connected dots for him. He wanted to send me the video to watch. Well I said… well before you send it can you please let me know what about the video is exciting you. Well his response were giving a bit of red flags. When he was describing the person who is talking he said he wasn’t fully sure to trust the gentleman.. which I understand but in another sense then why would this be a guy you want to share with me. I asked what part of the content did he get a realization about… and when he was describing it… he wasn’t able to make a clear statement. Again he seemed scattered in his thoughts. So I was telling him… I thought you were excited to have a conversation with me about something. It looks like you haven’t taken the time to actually think through what you want to have a conversation about. He was telling me that there’s one way that I know how to have a conversation and he has a different interpretation of what a conversation is. I said well I assumed when you wanted to have a conversation we’d be talking about something you’re excited about and then I’d response and then we’d feed off each other to have a conversation. I assumed that’s what you thought a conversation is as well. But when I got a hold of you what you wanted to do is give me a video for me to watch and then we’d have a conversation afterwards. I didn’t realize this is what he wanted. He said he wasn’t really wanting to talk about his thoughts about the video… he’d just like to talk about the video itself. I was chuckling inside because this is exactly what I don’t want to do. But I told him… he wants us to have a conversation about the theory we’re hearing from a man on a video. That could be fun but is there something about the video that we’ve shared in our own direct experience where we can engage in conversation without theorizing about theory of someone else’s experience? He didn’t really know how to respond to me and the way I was responding to this whole conversation. I could tell at many times he just wanted to shut down and not talk and just hang up. I could see this and I would say this is a good time to talk things out. Figure out how to get on the same page. I felt a little bad because I could see his image of me was shattering right in front of me. Yesterday he was sending a song… I guess my song where he could get as much as me and continue to get more… well… at this moment he could see that maybe he actually couldn’t take all of me at all… hehe. I had to admit to my dad that I was frustrated. Shoot I even went and bought some tobacco because I was welling up. He chuckled at me and said that I seemed to be able to resolve it by the end of the conversation. I said I did, but I’m frustrated that I had to go through that whole rollercoaster. It is what it is at this time, but maybe it wasn’t really only about the conversation with the gentleman. There were a few others things that were rubbing me the wrong way and because I wasn’t expressing this then it was easier for me to take it out on him. Again I didn’t yell or get overboard, but I also feel I could’ve approached it differently. My girlfriend who I’ve been working with for awhile with has been bugging me a bit. She’s the one who had ceremony with me and said that she received a message that she needs to learn how to love herself. And to focus on herself and she doesn’t really know where to begin. I told her I didn’t have the answers that’s something for her to find, but I can give here some new things to try to see if any techniques I’ve tried would help her. She’s also having issues with her knee and her doctors have been telling her she needs to change her diet habits and working on building muscle. I’ve already been trying to get her to walk with me. She said she wants to go to the gym but hasn’t done this yet. I’m not much of a gym person myself so I haven’t been active at getting her to the gym but trying alternatives. I had ordered an ashtanga yoga manual that I used to have but got water damage so I ordered a new one. I asked her if she would like to give yoga a try. It will still build muscle but flexibility and ultimately connection with her being. She said she wanted to and I’ve attempted a few times to do this. Yesterday she said she was going to visit her dad and she’ll get a hold of me when she gets back. Well I haven’t heard back from her still. I’m the one who has to reach out to have a conversation together and it’s getting a bit tiring. It’s not like I have sleepless nights over this but the more and more it adds up the more I’m like… why am I trying when it’s obvious it’s not time for her to be ready. She was telling me that she wants to share another ceremony with me again. I said your ready.. eh? Well let’s see what happens. It’s easy to have ceremony with her but another part of me is like… shoot we had a great ceremony last time… but with her message I’ve been trying to see how she’s going to take the first step towards her message. I haven’t been able to hear anything… is she thinking that another ceremony will give her a direct message as to what she needs to do? Maybe it will but maybe it won’t. I know through my experience many times I just need to start or attempt things I’m drawn to… see if it works for me or not. Just as an example I’ve been loving all this drumming and there was a Middle Eastern belly dancer and drummer at the event and I’ve met her a few times and I’ve really enjoyed what she shares and I’m interested in learning more. She actually had this really small drum she was drumming and she was showing us how to dance and drum at the same time which really attracted me. So I found her on FB and asked her how I could learn more. She gave me her number… oh yeah I went ahead and ordered a SIM card to get service for a few months… mostly so any of these applications I’ve been sending out for the winter that they can actually get a hold of me more conveniently for them. But I don’t know if I’m going to enjoy this… well I’m pretty sure I will but I’m going to give it a try… for some reason I feel like connecting with this woman more. I’m trying to give my girlfriend opportunities to get out of her house so she can be introduced to things that might give her this feeling… something to explore that might bring her fulfillment. I don’t know maybe I”m just coming up with more excuses why I feel I’m wearing my time here in Indiana out. There was something else that pushed my button that I was dealing with before I chatted with my older gentleman I was getting frustrated with. It was a family thing… again I haven’t gotten any permissions about this but let’s just say it been going on for awhile now and it was just rubbing me wrong. I feel like I want to do something about it… but I also know that I can be patient as well and wait for a better time to direct my feelings constructively. The last time we were addressing this I was to wait for them to be ready to have a deep conversation. My dad has also tried to help nudge my family members to talk about it but they aren’t ready. So patience is where I’ll be. So I have to ask myself why am I frustrated? Am I frustrated with scattered-ness because I’m frustrated of not having as much clarity as I hope. Am I noticing others scatteredness to see I might be blind to my tendencies of being scattered. Am I frustrated with people not wanting to take steps towards messages received in ceremony because i feel like i”m not gaining any ground in my messages? And I frustrated with people who aren’t ready to communicate because I myself aren’t ready either? Geesh it feels like I’m more aware of these qualities I have but I have been making attempts to transform these qualities. Just because I’ve been making efforts why am I getting frustrated… it’s not so simple. Why am I enjoying being introverted more than being social? I mean I enjoy social activities but I find I have to make sure I schedule to take days away and by myself to be able to do more social activities. Ok ok… this isn’t going anywhere at this time. I want to grab some dinner and make more time to start up my ashtanga a little more. I really enjoy the connection between the breath and movement. It feels so freaking good. But I’ve noticed how out of practice I am and I’m excited to get back into the flow of this in my life. Ok… until next time.

I felt like writing a bit. I’ve been really thinking about how to move forward to feel like I’m making forward progress. I know that I needed this time to rest and clear up my mind but I also am ready to get going though too. I just more aware how much I can get going and not take care of my wellness though too so I’m still a bit hesitant. I’ve already mentioned that I’m not certain I’m wanting to spend another winter here in Indiana. I’m thankful for what I’ve been experiencing here, but I also feel a bit stagnant. So I’ve been looking for seasonal positions for the winter. I’ve applied to a horse ranch, but I’ve been looking into other options since that position is a wait list and most likely unavailable. But I did really like what I read and so I thought why not and reach out and apply. I mentioned the NOLS wilderness classes and I noticed they are hiring for the winter as well so I went ahead and applied for the operations assistant. I pretty much told them that I want to take classes with them but if I take classes then that might take a few years to start training in these areas, but if I can get chosen for a winter position then I can get start training in a few months. I feel this would be a great fit for me in many ways. I also wasn’t too late to apply… it looks like they are going to stop the application process mid-September. They also have a kitchen staff position so I might go ahead and apply for that too just in case. There are two other things I’m looking into is a volunteer or a work for stay opportunities in Patagonia. The two I’m looking at are active in training volunteers on how to care and pack for horse trails in the mountains. They range from a few hours to a few days… maybe opportunities to join weeks if I can learn how to ride efficiently enough by those journeys. Even though these are not paid positions… I know I’ll feel really awesome again to start learning areas I’m wanting to learn. But I’d have to save some money before I’d be able to make a trip down to Chile or Argentina. I know I’ve been wanting to travel more in South America and riding in the Patagonia mountains on horseback sounds absolutely amazing. These opportunities range from six weeks to three months… oh man… it’s going to be hard not to want to head to Buenas Aires to dance the tango… love, love, love… hehe… And hard not to want to go ahead and just head to Peru afterwards as well. But anyway… it’s an option I’m considering. So in case I’m unable to get a paid position in the two locations that I’m really wanting to get then I have been looking into alternative options similar to what I did in Grand Lake during the summer… anything to be able to save the money to do what I want to do… so I applied for a ski resort in Colorado as well. I have only skied twice in this life and I know I’d enjoy actually getting an opportunity to learn how to ski on actual snow and possibly this powder that people talk about. If I was a staff member I’d get free lessons, so that would be cool. I’m also thinking I might just bite the bullet and work at a factory here in town for two months to help pay for traveling expenses and deposits for housing and to have a start to help the winter season to begin. There’s a tomato factory here in my home town that’s almost taken over this small little town… I guess it wouldn’t be terrible to actually check out and participate in working here for a few months… I don’t know just to say I did it. But honestly it’s the highest paying positions I’d be able to find working full-time around this area. I know I mentioned about the Gymboree with the kiddos but I’m questioning whether the vehicles I have to use during the winter season and just driving so far each day. And I’ll probably change my mind but I’m trying to get some of my thoughts out. I’m starting to feel more human lately and I’m also feeling like moving forward and I’ve gotten quite a bit of down time… shoot I didn’t know it would take this long to process this Awakening and I’m thankful I took this time, but I also want to get the show running. As much as I want to jump the gun… I also know it’s not wise to do this… I know things are aligning and so I’m trying to balance patience and waiting for opportunities and seeing what will work out. I feel like I’m ready for certain opportunities but Reality will help put my perspective into a better understanding when I see what actually aligns. So I’m open to see what opportunities will arise. I have been really enjoying playing the drums with the drum troupe. They are really interesting crew and are involved in many cool things and it’s hard for me to not want to participate. But I also know that I don’t want to get too involved because I know I want to be open to take advantage of opportunities I’m looking for though. It’s been really nice to find this group. I just found out there name the other week and I love it… it has the word Shaman in it and so I was pleasantly surprised. It’s actually quite fitting… hehe. The last practice the group leader kind tried to push me a little more and challenged me to hear the different rhythms that was playing… he had me playing a simple rhythm but I had to play at specific times with each one. Then he got me to do some speedy drumming… lol.. I don’t know the term, but it’s common for people to do this when they are doing solos. They ask me if I want to and I have not said yes yet… but with what he was doing I could see he was trying to get me more comfortable playing the drum in different ways. I’m really good at watching and listening and then aping it back. I’d like to build up the confidence to do a solo but I also want to feel a little more comfortable with the movement and rhythms… I’m getting a hell of a lot more confident already… I’m loving it. That’s another thing if I do more of a full-time position I want to make sure I can still make my practices on Tuesdays. I’d like to buy a drum before I head out as well. I was glancing back up briefly to my recent posts. I don’t think I mentioned the disc golf tournament last Sunday. If I did, I apologize, but it was a lot of fun. I finished last in my category which was expected… hehe but it was really a social/ networking opportunity for me anyway. I hadn’t even kept score before so I now know that my average is throwing a boogie over par for the round. Plus I appreciate the guys who’ve helped me get started and I wanted to contribute back to the club in some way. Plus I’ve got a disc now that’s from my hometown course which I wanted. I ran into some interesting ladies. One lady who is learning how to forage and create tinctures also has approached personal development in ways that I found helpful as well. We exchanged information so hopefully we’ll get a chance to meetup and get to know each other a bit more and able to have interesting conversations. I’ve scheduled my next orienteering training at a state forest on the 24th. This is supposed to be expert level orienteering opportunities… so I’m hoping my teacher will step up the challenge. I’m definitely looking forward to it. If we end up staying on trails, I’ll still be able to enjoy myself. I’m thinking of possibly camping that night as well… we’ll see when the time comes. I’m going to keep September open to continue to see what options I find before committing to taking a full-time position right now. Ok… I’ll finish it here… oh wait. I just want to mention I overheard an interesting comment when I was walking my regular route through the park one day. There was a group of maybe four people walking and one of them said that we are all vessels of God. They were walking behind me a ways but I wasn’t expecting the hear this comment. And I continued on thinking I can get a bit more context on what was being said. I guess I’m not at the point to approach them and say I’ve overheard your conversation can I join in… hehe… but I again I just continued walking and I thought I might have overheard them making comments about me moving quickly through the park. They might have not been talking to me at all but it seemed like it. I have to admit that I had taken a hit of marijuana without wanting to. I wasn’t thinking I was talking to some of my buddies and they usually roll their own tobacco and so I just assumed that’s what they were smoking but when I took a hit I was like shit… this isn’t tobacco. So any way I wanted to walk it off a bit and so maybe I was being a bit paranoid with overthinking their comment. So I decided to go ahead and sit at the shelter house at the park and people watch. I also was seeing if this group would allow an opportunity for me to strike up a conversation with them or not. One of my buddies ended up finding me there and talking to me so I didn’t get a chance. But that’s just one other reason why I’m not really enjoying spending so much time with these buddies. They participate in activities that I’m not wanting to participate in let alone the conversations that end up arising about recreational use of drugs and psychedelics. Anyway… I keep thinking about that comment I heard and wonder if there would be another opportunity to run into that group again. Possibly? Who knows. Ok that’s where I’ll finish, until next time

So I have a little time before I head to work. I met up with the educational director of the orienteering club this afternoon between my shifts. I was really excited. I knew we would be going over the basics but I have a feeling that this will lead to more of what I’m looking for. I love maps and I’ve always been good at reading them so today’s task was relatively simple, but also because we didn’t go cross-country. We pretty much followed the trails at the park we visited. I hadn’t used a compass before so I thought that was cool and I’m going to be ordering an orienteering compass before I meet up with him again. Near the end he was asking if I had any questions or any direction where I would like to continue the lessons. I told him I was pretty open. I know there’s this whole sport thing that is involved with orienteering so I don’t see why not trying to participate when I can. I thought maybe I would be able to attend their next event which involves foot and boat navigation, but I saw that I was already signed up to work that day so unfortunately I will not to attend the next event, but they have a Halloween event going on in October that I’m sure I can work into my schedule. He did mention one of the permanent courses that Indiana offers and I told him that I’m definitely interested. He said it was an expert course so he didn’t recommend me going on my own, but he offered to take me… so I said yes right away. He said that many he’s taught he just gets a hold of them and tells them that he’s heading to the forest and if we want to join him. I said yes think of me when those opportunities comes up and is wanting to bring someone to teach. So he got a better idea of my interest. He also said if i was interested in how they create games in the forest that I could walk along and see the strategy of how it’s being created. Obviously if I go to design the course or at least observe how the design is done that I wouldn’t be a participant. Again when it comes to the sport version there are normally three classes from Class A where it’s more professional and strict rules and regulations to Class C where it’s more local and relaxed. He said there were mostly two types of games played. One is the point and the other score. So with the point there are points on the map to go and claim that you were at that spot and then go to the next point. I believe with this game there’s a designated sequence to follow. With score games there’s a variety of points that are rated into difficulty or interest and we have a certain amount of time like 2 hours to get as many points and return before the time limit. The other option was a route game, but he said no one plays this so he wasn’t really going to go into it. I might ask him about it next time we’re out because we’ll have plenty of time to chat it up. But yes I liked how simplified he made things. Because I was able to try to use his vocabulary back to him while I was allowed to lead to the next point. Again… I feel this will lead to more cross country which I feel I’m more interested in, but we’ll see how it will go. There was some vocabulary that I hadn’t used before when describing the terrain, but I’m hoping to keep it in my head to remember. I really liked when we were just sitting around and he started to mention how eventually when we look out on the terrain we’ll start to picture how that land would be mapped out and vice versa. Three dimensional landscapes will start to shape in our mind when we look at a map. I know exactly what he’s talking about when it comes to my history of drafting and drawing… being able to visual in 2D and 3D… I’d love to develop this skill when it comes to terrain. Actually I might go ahead and check out compasses while I have it on my mind and allow time to deliver. Honestly we didn’t use it often… just at the very start to orient ourselves and our map. But again I’m hoping he’ll get me into more challenging situations where I’ll need it. I’m really looking forward to where there aren’t really easy landmarks to tell exactly where we are on a map and able to figure it out. I think that sounds really fun… hehe… ok Just to mention I”m excited because when I returned to the drum troupe practice this past Tuesday they invited me to two events this week where we’re going to volunteer our time to play music for a cancer center on Tuesday… and I believe another hospital facility on Saturday. So I’m excited to be a part of that. I don’t know every part like they do but they’re confident how quickly I pick things up that they’re not worried having me as an addition to these events. Ok… just wanted to release some energy I had. Oh just a side note I got to message the man in Australia… it’s his birthday and he’s now in his 40s… so I wanted to welcome him. I didn’t really talk much as much as I want to, but just a little message makes my day as well. It’s my buddy from Brazil’s birthday too and he’s celebrating in Italy… well in Venice right now and so I was able to message him and see how he’s doing. Ok… until next time. Have a good one

Ooohhh-weee! Ok I’m excited… I was doing some online searching and I’m getting excited! I found courses and clubs that I think are going to help me train for future projects I’m working towards. So again I cannot seem to forget about my visions in the jungle so I find myself trying to figure out how to prepare for these expeditions. So originally I’ve been looking into finding employment on a horse ranch so I can get experience on what it involves to caretake and ride horses. But I also found there are packhorses for expeditions in the wilderness and there’s some employment opportunities usually for hunting excursions but there’s days-long to week-long camping trips using horses too. Now, going through the employment side of things is tricky because… ding ding ding… I have no experience. So it’s hard to get a response from the employers. I thought well maybe I can ge a guest instead, but as a guest I wouldn’t necessarily be learning the skills I’m wanting to learn because everything will be catered to me as a guest as if it’s the easy way of exploring the wilderness. But then I ran into National Outdoor Leadership School and then I saw there are courses that seems to be right up my alley. Let’s see the language they used that caught my attention. “Vacations are great for a week or two. NOLS teaches real skills in wild places so you can adventure for a lifetime.” “While learning to climb, sail, backpack, and more, you’re getting experience making decisions and mentorship from your instructors on managing risk with your group—meaning you’ll finish the course ready to lead friends and family on your own wilderness trips.” “WE’RE MISSION-DRIVEN TO BE EDUCATORS, NOT GUIDES That means you’re the one learning to set up your tent, cook full meals on a camp stove, and be a leader in your group. While your instructors will provide mentorship and support, by the end of your course, their goal is to be your sidekick rather than your boss.” “CONNECT WITH OTHERS AND FULLY OWN YOUR EXPERIENCE The benefits of a course like this go beyond paddling a kayak alongside ice-blue glaciers, or reading a map to navigate Alaska’s flower-studded valleys. When you focus on learning, you gain trust in yourself, the communication skills to cultivate a group culture, and the confidence to take risks and attack challenges.” “Refining your personal leadership style Practicing Leave No Trace principles Connecting with and respecting local cultures Forming relationships with your peers Becoming a responsible, competent wilderness traveler NOLS Adult Expeditions. https://www.nols.edu/en/adult-expeditions/. 28 August, 2023. “DATA-DRIVEN CURRICULUM The curriculum on your course has been tested in the wilderness and informed by the latest research and industry standards. Our staff are industry experts and experienced practitioners devoted to best practices. Curriculum for Expeditions Curriculum for Wilderness Medicine” Why NOLS. https://www.nols.edu/en/professionals/why-nols/. 28 August, 2023. This is what I’m looking for! The initial interest in is the Wilderness Horsepacking Expedition course. I’m also interested in the Wilderness Medicine curriculums. “GET CERTIFIED Step forward on your next adventure with the preparation, confidence, and knowledge that comes with a wilderness medicine certification. Wilderness First Aid 2-day course designed for outdoor recreationists like hikers, campers, and boaters to gain confidence in managing common injuries and illnesses in the outdoors. Wilderness Advanced First Aid 4-day course designed for outdoor recreationists like hikers, campers, and boaters to gain confidence in managing common injuries and illnesses in the outdoors. Wilderness First Responder 9- or 10-day course designed for outdoor professionals to respond to emergencies and make decisions in remote environments. Hybrid Wilderness First Responder 3 modules of online learning and 5 days of in-person learning. Wilderness EMT 1-month course offering EMT training and certification combined with skills for providing pre-hospital care in the wilderness.” NOLS Wilderness Medicine Courses. https://www.nols.edu/en/wilderness-medicine/courses/. 28 August, 2023. I’m not certain, but I might want to go all the way to the Wilderness EMT but definitely First Responder. I know this would be geared to professionals but if there isn’t going to be a professional in our group then might as well get as much training as reasonably possible. That also makes me want to say I’ve been looking into these courses to also train the group I’m going to be taking with me. It’s nice to see there are options in Spanish-speaking locations as well. I know at least there are going to be Peruvians joining me and I want them to be as prepared and confident as well. So lol… I didn’t look into courses at first I knew they were an option but I always seem to assume these courses would be out of my monetary range, but actually it doesn’t seem to be too bad. The equipment doubles the cost, but I don’t see these costs as out of range. And honestly this is the first website that I found and there are probably alternative schooling available that I’ll explore later. I was in the groove last night and so I started to see if there were any courses for scouting or cartography… actually I’ve looked into this a little without really finding any success of going several years to a school or something, but I did find “Orienteering” as key word instead of scouting. And there is actually Orienteering clubs and one that’s not far from where I am. There seems to be several clubs throughout the country and possibly in other countries which is wonderful! I went ahead and reached out to the local club and directed my inquiry to the Educational Director. He quickly responded and we’ve started our conversation on how to begin this activity. I thought this would be a great prerequisite before enrolling into a wilderness program. I won’t feel so “newbie” if I can begin navigating and hopefully mapping unknown territory. Lol… of course when I get excited I want to talk about it and so of course I start telling my pops. We laugh because he’s getting our routine down when I find things I’ve been looking for by switching up my approach from time to time. I’m really excited to see what the educators of this club has to offer. Again he’s been very responsive which is a wonderful sign. Shoot I might start this week… yay! Lol.. I don’t even have a compass yet but I think there are a few options to choose from so why don’t I get an experts advice on how to choose and just go from there. Ok… I wanted to write this out for now… let’s see what comes up.. yay, until next time

Alright… so I went on a little camping trip to the Sand Dunes in Michigan with a guy I’m getting to better understand. I wrote about him back in March… I met him through salsa dancing and we went on a small hike at Mounds State Park. We haven’t really spoken until recently. I did remember a few weeks back I was wondering what he was up to and then shortly after he reached out. So we decided to go to the dunes and camp out. I didn’t realize the park was also along the coast of Lake Michigan. So after hiking and working up a sweat in the dunes we got to cool off and relax in the lake and on the beach. I passed out on the beach and so I got a little more sun than I was expecting. I got a little hint of redness but it’s tanned over now. It was fun to go into a different space in nature I haven’t been before. I’ve visited some sand banks that are decent size in Florida, but I haven’t been to dunes before. Ran into some plant species that I haven’t seen before which was cool. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, but it went well. He’s about ten years younger then I am. I have a feeling that he might be curious to see if I might be interested in him in a manner romantically. I have that in the back of my mind, and I wish it wasn’t so present in my mind when I’m meeting and hanging out with people. But it’s there and I always have to figure out the appropriate time and manner to address my romantic mindset at this time. But he’s very mature and it wasn’t needed to be addressed immediately. I wasn’t sure how our conversations were going to go but I know I was finding an opportunity to see how much exploration into spirituality he has gone. There were a few attempts where I was trying to seed his curiosity but most of the time he wasn’t taking the bait. It wasn’t until we were driving back to Indiana that I took a more direct approach and asked him direct questions. Right… I use words to see if he’ll ask questions or expand on his understanding in these areas. So psychedelics and Enlightenment where key words I feel I started to seed him to see if he wanted to continue a deeper conversation or not. By the way… most of our conversation is not these topics… I usually like to get to know the history and interests of whom I’m speaking with. And I’m getting better at feeling that possibly I might be giving too much information to absorb so redirecting the conversation back to comfortable material subjects. I know I’m trying to get better at socializing in a more general sense, but I also know there’s a desire to see how to explore someone’s curiosity towards spirituality as well. I figure what’s attracting us to have this experience together? Yes I’m getting better at being more comfortable in new energies and bringing up topics in a more casual way as well. Having different conversations with different states of consciousness always increases my understanding in general ways, which is important for me. It was pretty funny when we went to the campground to setup our spot. He brought the tent but it was the smallest tent that I had used before… hehe… it was a backpackers tent that could fit two bodies and unable to sit up without hitting the top of the tent. So utilitarian tent to sleep in. I was chuckling as we were putting it up… A part of me was like… I don’t mind sleeping in close quarters with him, but I don’t really know him too well… so depending on how this plays out… I made a comment that I won’t hesitate to just sleep in the car if necessary. But again… this isn’t the way I say it, but I know he’s picking up what I’m saying without making him feel like I’m creeped out by him. But I find myself chatting with some of the other campers who are walking by. There were two couples who are retirement age walking by and I found myself asking them how they are and where they’re from. They make a joke about the tent’s size… and they’re like I want to sleep very close to you…lol… he said he had a larger tent but he couldn’t find it… but he emphasized if we decide to do this again he’ll find the other tent to make it a bit more spacious and comfy for us. One of the ladies was laughing because that was a similar situation that her girlfriend (the other lady) had with her now husband on their first date. But her girlfriend said it wasn’t their first date… it was their first camping trip. I laughed because that was what is happening here… I didn’t say it but I was like at least they were in a dating situation… hehe… but it really wasn’t a big deal. Again he’s a gentleman and respectful so I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. But yes of course I made it clear to him that I’m not interested in him romantically. But again not directly… I had been mentioning ceremonies… there’s many topics I would bring up but I did bring up what I said had been the trickiest messages I’ve had which is about the Aussie man. I didn’t go into every detail but he caught on by the words I used. I knew it was understood when the next day in a conversation he brought him back up… and I was thankful that he was listening and connecting the dots. However, when I was speaking about enlightenment I knew the connection wasn’t as obvious or being understood. I also found myself finding a way to stop the engagement and redirect the conversation. Hoping something might encourage curiosity some time to come. But maybe not. He’s very intelligent and says he’s scientifically minded. He’s a materialist and finds it hard to accept Christianities views about spirituality. He mentioned at the camp that he feels what I focus on about spirituality and enlightenment is admirable. And so I thought this would be a way to ask him a direct question when we were in the car the next day. We had like three hours in the car so I thought it would be time to see how deep we could go into conversation. So I asked him what his understanding of Enlightenment is. He said that he used to think about it more when he was younger, but lately he doesn’t really think about it. So I said.. in the past what was your concept of Enlightenment for him. And he said he feels it’s a way to simplify his life. He doesn’t want to have to go and travel or take any substances to explore his internal world. I thought that was a good start but I wanted to see what he meant by the words he chose to use. I first asked about his internal world… obviously I said this is crucial in spiritual work. This internal conversation that plays out in our mind. I asked if he had attempted to meditate… he said he had… I asked if he felt frustrated when he first attempted and he admitted that he had felt that. I said when I began I noticed that I’d try to listen to sounds in my surrounding and then I’d notice that my thoughts started to drown out the sounds. I remember we spoke a little about this the last time we spoke. He had admitted at times he’s talking to himself in his head that he doesn’t necessarily always hear what’s being said. But again… from time to time I knew he was listening from how our conversation was going and mentioned… so he was doing a pretty good job at being present. I also mentioned how sometime I was frustrated why the certain thoughts were even being brought up and didn’t even know what was going to be thought next. It was the observation of all this that is the internal work which is important. So technically yes he doesn’t have to travel or take and substances to do this. But we can be doing internal work anywhere and at anytime. So he actually does travel a lot.. so I know that’s something he’ll continue to do and that shouldn’t stop him from doing the internal work, right. Sounds obvious but sometimes we make criteria of what’s the perfect setting to do the spiritual work. I didn’t address the extra substances at this time. But I went into the simplification of his life. I wanted to understand what he meant by this. I was wondering if it’s material objects in his life? Or is it distractions in his life to focus on what he finds valuable. He said yes… that’s what he had meant. I also said this seems to naturally come when we become more conscious in our spiritual growth. So I liked what his understanding is. So this is when I tried to see how open his mind was and to see if i was going to spook him by talking about enlightenment in a way that maybe he wasn’t familiar with. I admitted to him that when I started this work more consciously I didn’t know that there was going to be a dimension to this work where enlightenment takes our understanding beyond human. I had to mention what I repeated in just general conversations that language is being interpreted differently… but I’m going to continue anyway and that it’s going to possibly sound crazy but again I wanted to continue this line of conversation. He didn’t ask what beyond human means… he didn’t actually ask many questions which I hoped he would. It give me a chance to explore his curiosities, but I just went ahead and said… when I said beyond human it’s experiencing life not only as a human. I tried to give a little background that what most of us experience is being conditioned to believe we are humans living a fragile and limited life. I was seeding a few things when I was explaining things… but again there were no questions. And then I decided to use the word the realization of a deeper understanding of God. So this was brought up briefly the day before on the beach but again… there wasn’t an in depth conversation about this. I was trying to see if we could explore all the definitions of what God could be. But I told him that I had a very rudimentary and crude definition of God when I was an atheist… it was such an absurd definition mostly to be able to debate and argue with people. Obviously I do not consider God as a supreme being in the clouds of heaven watching and judging us. My understanding as it continues to grow that God is absolutely everything. We are God but not just humans but the Universe is God. God is not separate from anything. This is when he said it’s hard for him to consider that God is part of babies die from hands of murderers and things like this. He cannot see how God would be involved with any of this. I said what if… when we are only in human consciousness he tend to view God as another human personality… so we assume we judge things as good and evil… and that death is something we are trying to avoid at all cost. He said if this is part of God, then I don’t want anything to do with God. I said God is a part of that but is a part of all the things you love about reality as well. I was trying to explain to him using the example Leo has used about gravity. We have an idea of gravity being present on Earth and it has no biases to anything. It doesn’t have a personality to judge people as evil and then just allow those people to not be affected by it’s gravitational pull and allows those people to float off into space and away from Earth. In a way that could be a way to see God. Instead of having a judging personality… God loves the babies but also the murderers the same. In fact what if death is the realization we are God? At this time he said well I don’t really agree with this statement. That seems way too much like Christianity and I don’t agree with this. He likes Christianity because they are trying to give a good sense of morality to people. But in a sense he likes to view things scientifically and when we die we just don’t know. I said… not knowing is a good place to start. I didn’t continue the conversation. I thought maybe it’s getting a bit heavy and a bit too much to discuss so I tried as smoothly to change the subject. But in my mind I continue the conversation. I feel if he heard what I said… most Christians I know would think the statement I said would be almost blasphemous or heretical. I’m not certain.. maybe he has more open-minded Christians he speaks with… so that’s great. But many of the Christians I speak with seem to have a belief they are not worthy to be placed in an equal manner as Jesus let along God. They are trying to be moral to gain worthiness into the gates in Heaven to meet and be in the presence of God. To say when we die we become God… I don’t know of too many Christians who would agree to this. And many would feel the same as his views of not being able to see God in what they consider evil acts. I’m wondering when we meet again if this might be a conversation I might bring up. I’d like to see what about Christianity he doesn’t agree with. I know my opinion, but I wonder what his is. By the way, I did get permission from him to discuss our experience together… but I wanted to get some things off my mind. I had babysat my cousin’s baby last week. I thought I had written in the Journal about it, but I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Any way it was a lot of fun and it’s getting me to wonder a different job potentially. I had been looking into a company called Gymboree which teaches newborns to five year olds and their parents to play and learn together mostly through music and art. I haven’t really taught this age group before and I feel I’d really enjoy it. I believe there’s a position relatively close by that offers part-time opportunities. I’m contemplating adding this along with the stage setup. I’d really like to be able to have a better handle on my cravings for smoking. I know I’d be able to not engage with it while I’m at work, but I also know the thoughts that arise when I’m resisting the urge. I feel like I”m right there to be able to push myself to stop, but I’m also not trying to push myself too fast… I can feel my momentum shifting to being ready to be ready to not be a consistent smoker. I’m getting there. Well… that’s good for now… until next time.

Alright, hello… so… I’ve been waking up the last few days and I keep thinking about communication in different states interpreting the communication. I’ve been more aware how much lost in translation occurs… at least in my opinion. But in a greater sense it’s what it is and so if it’s supposed to be lost then that’s what it is. Even though I notice this doesn’t stop me from wanting to find a way to communicate with more clarity. I’ve been noticing when I’m lost and when other’s are as well. I’ve also been aware that I’m trying to be more socially acceptable… hehe.. I’m not sure how to explain this because in a way I’ve always worked on this, but also in another sense I haven’t. So let’s see what’s been happening to explore more of what I’m trying to say… hehe So Tuesdays I’ve been driving to the drum troupe practice which is an hour away and so I like to make a day out of it. Before I left I was messaging a few guys. The first conversation was with the guy who has been doing well in conversations of whether he’s ready to continue consciously with his Spirituality and ceremony. I had introduced him to Leo’s video the dangers of Spiritual work. I received a message that he wants to continue… he says he keeps asking himself if this is something he wants to do even watching this video he feels like he’s ready. He said he’d like to share ceremony and would like to invite my girl friend who I introduced him too. Now in a sense I’d love for this to happen, but in another way I’m trying to figure out if he’s really ready. I’m still very relaxed in sharing ceremony. I’ve been finding that the more people are asking to share the ceremony the more I’m questioning their motives. So I told him to not necessarily worry about ceremony at this time. Ceremony will arise when it does and we don’t have to necessarily plan it out right now. I admitted to him that communication has been getting lost in translation so I wanted to make sure that ceremony at this time is giving him glimpses of the potential of higher states of consciousness. But it’s the daily life activities where he’s learning how to embody these higher states. So most of the work is done outside of ceremony per se. So again I was trying to emphasize that the work he’s going to be doing on himself and his Spirituality is going to be on the regular daily basis. I know he’s excited about ceremony, he had a really great experience with Bufo and I think he’s just excited with such a new approach he perceives I lead in my life. But I also find that he has a hastiness to him too. I get it, but I’m trying to steer him to be more grounded than I was myself. I asked him if he could explain to me what his thoughts were of why he thinks he should be on this path and what did he think about Leo’s video… His response was the exact same from the last time we spoke. When I was visiting him and his family he said this and his result was that he probably isn’t ready. This time he used the same words to say he is ready… hehe… I was trying to encourage him to open up a bit more to better explain to me and himself why the change in mindset. But there wasn’t anything new to his thoughts. So as I’ve been getting to know him deeper… I do find that I want to use language that isn’t really in his vocabulary. I’m definitely familiar with that myself… My vocabulary can use some help, but I also want him to get a better idea of levels of consciousness and introduce him to areas that I feel will help him get a better sense of the vocabulary and ideas I’d like to talk to him about. So I suggest a few more videos of Leo’s to see again if he’s willing to open up his mind to Spiritual topics and I keep trying to tell him how much Leo has helped me along this path. I keep telling him how much Leo has dedicated his life to help assist people to Awaken and if he’s serious I want to introduce him to tools that have helped me. I don’t know if these will help him or if it’s his style, but if this is knew to him… I frankly don’t want to explain things that Leo has done in much more depth and the variety of content that I’m willing to do myself for him. I’m asking him to do some work on his own time with guidance from someone who helped guided me. I am finding that I’m wanting to create a distance to people so they don’t rely on me to hold their hands through this process. And I’m telling him that his work is to find out what works for him, but since he’s new to this what I can suggest are things that worked for me. I”ll help you right now, but eventually you won’t need my help and also I don’t want to do the work for him… it just won’t work anyway… hehe. So with our conversations I went ahead and suggested the no—bullshit explanation to Spirituality, the introduction of the model of spiral dynamics, and what is authority. This time I was more specific about our conversations over these videos. First of all I sent him videos that are older… so I told him that these are a few years old… just to give him a better idea that I was watching these videos when they were originally posted. I’ve been watching Leo’s videos for years now and I’ve been using these tools and I restated that I’ve watched hundreds of hours on these videos, but this was not something fleeting in my life. I took it seriously and possibly if I can see he’s wanting to take it seriously than I’m more willing to spend more time with him as well. I understand that I can help in conversation but I also know I’m very developed in ceremonies as well. Not saying I’m the best but I have a natural knack in this space, but again I’m not so open right now to share it with everyone when they want me to. If they want to share ceremony with me, I want to make sure they understand that my time and attention is going to be shared when I’m ready as well. I want him to be able to have conversations about these videos I said. I’m hoping he can see the value in Leo’s work so he can start getting interested in exploring the material that’s being given and easily available. But again trying to let him know that most of his time is going to be with himself and not with me. Now granted I do see the advantage he has to have me available to speak with. I told him there’s not going to be many people he knows that are going down this path… so having me as a resource will be an advantage for him, that I was not able to have as I am in this process. Well… hehe… I told him possibly using the forum might be of value to him… so I guess I did have the forum available to me that I didn’t use and which was in my opinion an advantage for me in my path because I know people on the forum like to point out things or debate things that I feel would have hinder my style of understanding. But it could be a possible resource for him. I’m again trying to show him tools and he’ll have to find out whether they resonate with him or not. So as I’ve been communicating with him… .not just in this conversation but in other conversations I’ve been trying to find a way to get him to understand what I’m trying to point to… but again I also know what he’s picking up is exactly what he’s supposed to be picking up. I know at his stage he’s only going to be hearing and understanding what he’s supposed to be at this time. I know I’ve been more blunt with him, but I also know I’ve been trying to ease it into conversation… I know I do this a lot with the ones I communicate with, but I also know that if it gets to the point of being blunt without ease… I’m getting more comfortable doing this as well. Lol… I’m finding that being easy into situations seems to lead to lost in translation situations… so I’m getting more comfortable of not always being easy in my approach all the time. I do feel a bit of frustration in conversation, but it’s not them… it’s me… why am i trying to making it easy and being fragile with the messages that are an apparent focus at this moment. I know I’m still trying to find a balance in communication. And I feel he’s a bit more receptive so I don’t have to be so aggressive like I find myself being with others. Aggressive probably isn’t the vocabulary I’m wanting to use… it feels like when I communicate there are times that I use dramatic language when it’s not the case, but it’s the way I try to make a point… hehe… I’ll get better at this. Anyway… it was a good conversation and I”m curious to see what results from this. So after this conversation I had another guy message me. We hadn’t hung out since our camping trip. This is the brother who has a dog. He wanted to see if I was available to hangout… he was leaning towards playing some disc golf. I thought about what I wanted to do this trip to the drum practice and I thought I didn’t have to go play disc golf in Yorktown this time and I could go ahead and get a game in before I left. So I suggested that to him. When I said this I told him that I was going to practice and I make a day out of this. I believe he knew this, but possibly he didn’t remember… but then he said he’d love to join me on my day along with his dog if I’m looking for some company. Lol… in fact I didn’t want company because I really enjoy my day to myself before practice. I’ve really been liking my alone exploration time throughout the day and being very chill. But that didn’t stop me from opening the opportunity to allow them to join me. So I was thinking what am I going to be doing? I’m stopping to get some spring water, get doughnuts for my pops, I was going to get a few groceries for myself, I wanted to do some hiking and swimming at the reservoir again, and then I’ll be in practice. So we’ve got a dog that wants to join us… this is where I was thinking about being socially acceptable. I know this friend really likes to clash with authority of society and I feel he assumes I’m the same way… again in a way yes, but not always in certain situations. He mentioned that he and his dog can just hang somewhere while I was doing my thing… so I asked him if there’s a particular place he wants to go… but he didn’t. So I said I’m not certain being with his dog will work… The drum practice is indoors for three hours… so I doubt he’d want to be alone outside for this time… and I don’t believe this reservoir trails and swimming allows dogs only in the camp areas. As I was running this through along with my desire to just go by myself I ended up telling him that today will not be the best day. I’m completely free tomorrow or Thursday… that will work best for me. He did mention that he’d like to get some spring water too so I said I could swing by and pickup his containers. When I said that he said ok cool… I’ve got to get some food and water for the dog before we go… and I knew something got lost in translation. I said that I don’t think we’re on the same page… let’s see if he read what I was intending. Today I’m going to stop by and pick up containers to get spring water for him… and tomorrow we’ll take the dog and go swim and hangout. His response was funny… he said well. “I suppose that’s one way to read it”… and so I made it clear… that hanging out tomorrow will work for me. And he said that he just likes to be in the Now and doesn’t really like to plan things out so much. But said tomorrow will be cool too. I’ll post this part of our texting…hehe.. it’s been humorous to see so many times where we’re not on the same page when I assumed we were while we were talking. Ok so I have to admit… my poor dad has to hear my reactions to these conversations… lol… I seem to not be able to stop myself… even though I”ve been more selective of what I share with him… but there’s time I am expressing the thoughts going through my mind. This is when I’m telling him that I want to be, “AAAHhhh!” But on the other hand I’m like why am I wanting to be so “AAAHhhh!” Lol… he understood… there’s a weird style of communication that I have especially with people I’ve had years and years of experience with that makes sense… hehe… well I don’t perceive any lost in translation going on. So again this is my process of easing into communication. Again it’s inside me… I knew that I wanted to go alone but I also am open to hanging out with him. If I was just clear at the start it wouldn’t have gotten lost, but when it was brought up I didn’t really think it through too much.. so I was trying to work it through to make everything work… but then I was honest with myself and then trying to find my way to get to the clarity so everyone’s on the same page. We did end up hanging out yesterday and enjoyed ourselves but I’ll go into that after I finish my Tuesday. So he wasn’t ready for me to pick up the containers for the spring water… So I went ahead and headed out. Again I’ll continue to say the small things I’m experiencing is so satisfying… like driving in the country… I absolutely love country cruises, once I get onto a nature trail it just does something to me. I feel so calm and connected… I love the dancing leaves in the wind and the music from the wind, birds, and insects. The large grasshoppers who are trying to fly away from me but we’re following the same gravel path. I’m getting better at noticing the spider webs… because I love seeing the spiders but feel a little guilty when I walk through them because I wasn’t paying much attention. The cooling sensation when walking into the shade of the trees. Water!!! water… being submerged into water… floating… the sensation on my skin… so satisfying… the feeling of my hair and body floating and weightlessness… feeling the difference with allowing the flow with the currants but also the resistance to the flow is nice too. I ran into some raspberries so I did a little forging too. Yes these moments are really appreciated when I’m alone… I know I still have these moments when I’m spending time with others but I feel more open and available when I’m not with another human…hehe… when a human gets involved I start to adjust my focus. And at times I’m good with that, but at other times… I’d rather not. The drum practice was really fun! There were four more drummers I hadn’t met yet. Having more drums really added to the experience, but in another sense made it a bit more chaotic. Now I know that this is where I’m getting lost in translation. I’m not used to African drumming compared to this troupe so I’m still getting introduced. Not always was it chaotic but there were a few moments where the sounds seemed to get so mashed up that I couldn’t hear the harmony of it but it still gave me an intense reaction that felt good too. I’ve been practicing the rhythms so the woman I usually follow along with started introducing adding a few rhythms in the same song… to add diversity into the mix and add a bit of challenge and I loved it and she loved how quickly I was picking it up. They are still asking if I want to do a solo, but I feel I haven’t really got the confidence to be free to do a solo yet… but I’m getting there. I’m trying to add the different tones and slaps and flams… hehe… I love the conversations with sounds during the practice too… I love that we are using the sounds we hear to help communicate things… i find myself giggling a lot and I feel it brings a good energy when people have been doing this awhile I can understand that sometimes the little moments of joy can be overlooked. There was a song I’ve been learning sounded completely different when all of them were there and they played the entire composition and it went from a regular pace to a slowed down tempo and it was awesome and I couldn’t help but to display the joy I was feeling in that moment. It’s been so fun to be able to share this with them. I’m grateful I’ve got this opportunity right now. I’m hoping to attract more music sessions into my experience. It brings so much life and joy. Lol… I even downloaded an app last night where I’m trying to develop my voice a bit more as well. Music seems to be getting attracted right now.. even working at a concert venue too. So music in different areas… I’m enjoying it! So yesterday morning I got ahold of my friend to see if he still wanted to hang and go swim with his dog. He was still interested but he had another friend of ours… the one who was my classmate and asked if he could join us. I told him I didn’t mind, but he didn’t catch that I said that. Because when I asked him if he’s gotten a hold of him to go he said he didn’t know if I was cool with that. I didn’t address it because it’s not a big deal. I just said that I’d like to spend time with him… by himself is cool, but if he wants to bring another buddy with us… I’m ok with that too. During our conversation he had mentioned our buddy wasn’t having such a good start to the day… so I wasn’t sure I’d like his energy with us… but again I allowed whether it was going to happen or not. Fortunately my buddy is pretty aware of himself and said that he wasn’t feeling up to hanging out with us.. so we went by ourselves along with pup. So i felt calm and I had a free day so I was looking to enjoy myself and take my time. I was hoping to see what our conversations were going to be. I know lately I’ve been wondering if he has the ability to talk about things that aren’t about getting high… and mostly those conversations are because of who we’re with. When we’re together… our conversations don’t lead that way. I did feel like I was being more quiet and see where he wanted to lead the conversations… I got him to open up more about his history and his family. I’ve been hearing so many different stories from the new people I’ve been introducing into my experience that I’m now able to remember more details about him specifically. We went to a Miami tripe Nature preserve. It’s called the Seven Pillars along the Mississinewa River next to the reservoir up there. I know he wanted to swim but going there was going to be fairly shallow but I knew it wasn’t going to stop us from getting into the river. That’s what I wanted him to notice was how much we really love nature. Wading in the river but then getting into the cool water which had a pretty strong and steady current was even better. Climbed on some of the rock structures that’s been carved out of the water and wind… it was really beautiful and fun… oh my goodness watching his dog’s joy jumping and prancing through the water and the grass was fun to witness… he’s so adorable this dog isn’t quite a year old but he’s a big boy… but I love observing how much their attention gets drawn from one sensation to another… they get so excited that it’s hard for them to even listen to what the humans are wanting from them…hehe… I really enjoy having animals with us. I haven’t really spent a lot of time in this area. It was a cloudy day and it was getting a bit chilly in the water so I suggested to find some trails around the area. We drove a bit in the country and we found some trails and we took the Lost Sister Trail. It was awesome with just how long it was… how much it was away from cars… yes a few times but most of the time was the amazing sounds of nature. I loved watching my friend finding and questions all the fungi, plants, and flowers as we were going along. I saw how excited and curious he was so I’d try to help find mushrooms for him. We were smelling a lot of different things… hehe… we we’re finding seeds that looked like walnuts… I don’t remember ever smelling walnuts and when we smelled them they had a citrus scent like citronella-ish… some seeds that smelled similar to Juniper… yeah I really enjoy smelling things and we both admitted we’d like to know more about flora, fungi, and fauna. We ran into a little rain at the end of the trail which really put a highlight to finish our day out together. I really had an enjoyable day with him… it was nice. There were a few times he seemed he wanted to explore some of his fear and conspiracies he’s had on his mind for years.. but I didn’t encourage these conversations. Even at times he was trying to speak about people he admires and explain their thoughts… again I found myself not wanting to encourage these conversations and bring it back to our own experiences and interested in his thoughts. It was good to hear him admit that he has a thing about society… wanting to resist against the norm, but than he eventually admitted that there are some things he’d like to get better at which is social acceptable and be ok with wanting to be in alignment with these too. Yeah… it was good… things that I was hoping to bring up to him actually found their way into conversation and it was easy and wasn’t having to use brute force… it just flowed in throughout the day. I feel we’re getting better acquainted with each other when we just have time to share… not even in the discussions we’re having just the energy we’re sharing and enjoying together. When I went to pick him up I did have a cool discussion with his mom and his niece. His niece is a missionary and had dedicated her life to her Spirituality and I found our conversation interesting. I’m hoping to run into her more possibly to get a more in depth conversation. She’s going to be in Indiana for a year before she goes out on her mission. She just got back from training in Mexico a few weeks back. She mentioned she learned different languages through the BEC program and I looked into it briefly when I got back home last night. It’s similar to what I’ve been doing but in a more formal approach and possibly because there’s a structure to it people can be more aware of learning a language in a concise manner than my approach of just winging it and finding out how to make it work… hehe… but yeah… I’m getting hungry so I think I’ll go ahead and make some lunch. I’ll talk at ya later then.

I can’t help but notice that I’m finding I’m chuckling to myself a lot and finding myself smiling for just living with whatever I’m dealing with lately. I don’t know if i can really explain this but I think I’ve been making it cleat that I’m very unexperienced in many “normal” things people handle on the daily. I was having a conversation with one of the guys about stability. I was trying to explain to him that this wasn’t necessarily a value I had in the past… only lately have i really noticed that having some stability does seem to help the human side of life, right. Many who are grounded may be laughing at me, but that’s just not how I have developed in life. So I know I”m not the only one having these experiences so I want to help people in similar situations as myself… that they’re not the only ones having to face things that make us feel uncomfortable. So I got a check yesterday and so today I was hoping to get a bank account so I can cash my checks regularly. Let’s go over my banking history. It’s not the best history… so I didn’t even know if I’d be able to get an account. Gosh let’s see I might’ve had an account when I was in high school but it was so brief that I cannot even remember it. What I can remember was when I was in college. I was living in Arizona at the time and I had a bank account and I had my first overdraft fee. It was at the time when I was desperate but I know it was less than $60. I hadn’t handled this account for decades so I know the interest continued to build up month after month and year after year. I checked my credit report and I didn’t even see it on my account. I’m sure it’ll come up but it took me close to a decade or more to even look for another bank account. So I qualified for a credit union in Indy and I was doing well with it. When I moved to Colorado to start working there… I got another credit union account. When I started to travel to Peru more often I did find that I was over drafting in smaller amounts… like less than $10… smh… it would take me a long time to get back to the credit union especially the one in Indiana because I just wasn’t there often enough. If you don’t remember I don’t have a phone line either so I’ve setup another challenge of communication. When I moved back to Indiana last year I ran into a situation where I went to go cash my check… I was just going to payoff the balance I had, but they went ahead and closed my account. They said that I’d have to setup another appointment to reinstate my account. Well I wasn’t confident that i was going to be working at this location long… I went ahead and asked to see if I could get paid in cash. They actually didn’t give me a problem doing this. So I still have an account in Colorado. Smh… I don’t have a debt card right now… it was eaten up at an atm in Peru. Lol… I literally had to go through loops just to get that card to me. It was going to be expiring while I was in Peru so I switched my mailing address and had my dad mail it to me there. Most addresses in the jungle do not have mailboxes. Mail men aren’t going house to house to deliver mail. So I had to figure out how to receive a letter… and it took almost two months to get the letter…. But it only took like twice at the atm to get the wrong code and the machine to keep my card… hehe… anyway… I haven’t been reliant on it so much… so it hasn’t been a big deal. Yes many people don’t deal with much cash anymore, but myself… I still highly depend on cash. Anywho I go to the credit union here to see if I can get an account. I knew I would have a problem in different areas to get an account but I figured I’d go and see what I can do. So proof of address… I have been so here and there… I don’t really have proof of residency. Most companies want utility bills or your current address on your ID. Well I still hold a Colorado driver’s license. I can’t say that I’m not going to be returning to Colorado again. I guess I can keep switching up my license everywhere I go, but it doesn’t really bother me. I grabbed my credit union statements that are sent here to Indiana since it’s my current mailing address in their system. So to my surprise they accepted those as proof of residency. Lol… I even asked my pops to join me just in case to see if he could verify that I’m his daughter and I’m living with him… hehe… well things were going well but then they said that if I wanted a checking account they charge $5/month. I stopped everything and said I’m not sure I’m wanting to commit to that right now. I haven’t had to pay a fee to have a checking account before… it’s a small charge of $60 a year, but again when I’m traveling around… every dollar counts so I said I have to see if that charge will be ok or not. Right now I’m going to see what other options I have. Well I thought I could just put my check to my dad and he could cash it at his bank. Which literally we did 9 months ago, but today… I am not on his account so he wouldn’t be able to cash it for me. With them I needed to have a utility bill to be able to prove residency so I wouldn’t be able to apply for an account. So what’s my options? Well… I went ahead and deposited my check through my credit union account in colorado. I’m transferring money into my dad’s account so he can give me the cash… smh… I messaged them to see if I can get a replacement card but of course I need to call them to do this. So I’ll have to wait to see when I can get access to a phone to call them and get a card sent so I can actually use the money I’m depositing. I know.. i know… I’ve made things complicated, but I do find it funny and I’m going to get better at not making things so complicated. Shoot I know I’m eventually going to be opening accounts internationally so getting a bit familiar with banks and proof of residency or proof of anything that involves stability will need to be developed.. lol… All I can say as of now… It will be easier to save when I’m depositing checks into an account that’s not so easy to get access of using the money being deposited. I know my dad is used to my crazy and he’s got his own similar ways of crazy so he doesn’t mind giving me cash as I transfer money into his account, but I’m not wanting to rely on this for too long. What else was I running into today that I found funny… oh helping my dad out. So he has a pool with gold fish in them. I think he says he has 20 to 30 fish in it. He has another pool he’s been filling up to capture rain water. He was treating it with chlorine but he hasn’t been treating it for a month or so… so he’s noticed there’s been a lot of mosquitos. He wanted to move some of the fish into this pool to help with the procreation process of the mosquitos. This pool is near his hot tub area… hehe… so he had tried out but didn’t have any success. He thinks that I’ll be able to help him out. So I said I will help him. I’m like what’s the equipment that we have to use? Well we got a bucket to fill the pool water in so we can transport the fish to the new location. He has two nets on poles but they are broken and taped together near the head so the resistance the water has on them makes them break frequently.. lol and then he had like a window screen that he thought we would be able to hold under the water and see if we can capture the fish IF they swim above the mesh. Let’s just say I couldn’t stop laughing as we were trying things out. I was like… dad these fish are pretty intelligent and fishing is an art. I definitely don’t know this art but what we have is not going to work. So I said the netting is probably the best idea but we need something bigger. So he had something like chicken wire but plastic so it’s a netting and a larger piece. He asked if I had any weights to help the net sink. I remember cleaning out the garage there were some fishing gear and weights were there and so I grabbed them. So we decided to place some weights on the edge of the net and then a few towards the center of the weights we placed to help keep the net lower in the water. So we placed it in the water about half way across the pool and we were able to pick the net up easily and quickly.. so we grabbed the fish food again but I said instead of spreading it around everywhere lets just put it in the area where they have to swim across the netting to get to it. And it worked. We didn’t really want the fish to get caught under the netting so we didn’t want it to set in the pool for long. But we got eight fish out and he said he wasn’t 100% sure about the chemical properties in the second pool he said let’s see how they respond before fishing out more. We hope they are going to do well in the new location, but we’re only doing the best we can do at this time. I’ve been killing some insects and it makes me feel bad but I also know this is the only thing I know what to do at this time and with what I have to use. I know I’ll learn better ways but I also know I’ve got to do things now even though it’s not exactly the perfect scenario. That’s what I have to keep reminding myself… the human mind’s idea of the adj perfect scenario that would be an ideal to start something. In fact it is not necessary to have that scenario to start something and learn from it. So instead of making excuses of why I’m not starting something now… just do what I can do with what I have and just learn with what I have going on right now. And I’m finding it fun in a weird and quirky way. I’m not getting frustrated but it’s amusing. I have a feeling this isn’t the way I’m always going to be approaching these situations but it will be fun to have memories of change in perceptions. I did reach out to my manager and she was happy to hear i’m looking to learn… she’s putting my name on the training list. She actually hasn’t set a date but wants it sometime this month. She also wants to talk to me about being a part of her corporate staff as well. I spoke to two guys who are a part of the corporate team and it seems it’s very similar to what we are doing now at the concert but they go to other event locations to setup. As an example many have heard of the Indy 500… so we’d go to the race track to help setup the live concert areas and who knows what else. When I was talking to these guys I was hinting around about liking to learn how to setup and build the stages and they said that it seems more hands on with the corporate team. The manager said the corporate season… so I’m uncertain what that means… so yeah I’m interested in speaking with her about it. I’m chuckling to myself right now because I watch tarot readings and most of the time it’s like running in the background and there was a statement that I heard today was the viewer who is supposed to me is becoming less rigid. I feel like I am conscious that that’s exactly what I feel like this position can help allow me to learn. To stop being so rigid about things… or at least less rigid…. And I wouldn’t have described myself in this manner but I honestly see that I have those qualities that I want to adjust. I feel like I want to use the word adjust more than change… i feel it’s a better explanation for people I work with so it doesn’t seem so drastic. In a sense spirituality is drastic but to be more grounded it’s making adjustments so we’re not swinging the pendulum so drastically. I just want to assure people who are here wanting to work on their spirituality… regardless of where we’re at… we’re able to adjust our consciousness to higher degrees. It’s not going to look the same as everyone else doing this work or not consciously doing this work. I know Leo has advised people to get their money handled before working on Enlightenment work… not exactly but sometimes it’s insinuated, but… we can Awaken and then be able to work on money from a higher consciousness state as well. If we’re drawn to Spirituality… just work from where you are. And when you’ve connected to universal consciousness… it’s going to give us a calm and confident approach to whatever we’re wanting to work with as we understand where we are as part of the collective. I’ve enjoyed how my life’s been unfolding… it’s been amusing to see where I have placed myself and I’m looking forward to how I adjust to it now. It’ll be interesting to see if I return to this Journal five years from now and see what adjustments I’ve been able to make and create in this life experience. Alright… I just wanted to get this out of my mind at this time. I feel like practicing a few rhythms for tomorrow’s practice. I’ll talk later… until next time.

Alright… so I tried out the new gig. The gig is a stage hand at the local concert location now Ruoff… when I helped out for a summer in my high school age was Deer Creek. This is out of my comfort zone because I have any knowledge in this area. So it’s exciting and there might be possibility to learn. So it was my neighbor who had setup this opportunity. My neighbor is a friend of someone I’ve been working with towards ceremony. The brother who has the dog. Well I’ve been meeting his family and one of his sons also works here. It was pretty sweet the morning of the first day the son came to my place. My neighbor wanted it to be easy for me to get in and get acquainted to the position so he asked the son to help me out. So I followed him to the location and it was easier to just follow him instead of trying to figure out what the manager gave me to follow her directions once we were at the location and to get in through security check points. I met with the manager and she seems very sweet and motherly… she has been very helpful trying to make me feel welcomed and the first priority for them is safety. Actually everyone I spoke with spoke about safety first because there’s such a big crew going here and there and working with equipment that can be heavy so fingers and toes can get smashed or run over fairly easily and being aware there can be sudden stops and starts and people around corners… it was pretty fast paced especially at the night shift when it was during load out. So I had no clue what this position involved. So in the morning we were there to load in. So there were several employees who were stage hands. And then there’s a crew of the actual band that work together. Please this is only what nine hours of experience and a very vague understanding of what’s going on, but this is how I’m perceiving it as of now. So the bands crew has the stage hands load and unload their equipment. So during load in the stage hands we line up and when the crew removes the equipment off of their semi trucks they direct where to take their equipment. So I didn’t even really understand stage direction… example stage right and left, down or up stage, pit area and front of the house. During load in I was the son’s shadow. I came in with him and they seem to like him and wanted to help show me the ropes. They say there are waves… we move quickly when it’s our turn to move the equipment but then we wait in line. Once we get the equipment unloaded we kind of break off into groups to help in certain areas such as audio, video… things like that. The son and I were chosen to go to the VIP area to help set things up there. So There was a truck parked next to this area and we unloaded and then helped the crew set up the furniture and space. So this is actually a little more comfortable for me. When it comes to assembling things that makes sense to me. It doesn’t take long for me to figure it out and feel like I’m helping out. Once we helped out in the VIP area we returned to the docks there was a lot of standing around. Many of the current staff were just hanging out and socializing. Again I was shadowing the son who is in his mid twenties. So when I was listening to his conversations I felt like I couldn’t really put much input into the conversation. hehe so there’s a break in the day before we return and during this break I was thinking at first… hmmmm… there was quite a bit of standing around and waiting… I’m not sure if I like that. Plus when we’re standing around there seems to be a lot of socializing… and i thought I’m not the best at casual conversations… hehe… I also thought well this is a good opportunity to learn how to do this better. Also to relax during work… i know I’ve been working on that as well. When I work I like to be involved in many areas to keep my mind active and engaged instead of monotony. But as I distance myself in the work I’m engaged with the more I question whether what’s too far for me to be involved. I have long term visions and there’s no way I can forget them. In a sense I don’t want to commit to projects that I feel aren’t going to relate to these projects, but I also know that there’s connections that come into play that involve areas that I’m not directly focusing on either. So I want to be open. And most of what I find I do is seem to be drawn to work with certain people and I find they are from a huge diverse backgrounds so… I never know when I’m going to meet them and the more diverse I keep myself the more opportunity to run into these people. There were some interesting people at this location. For some reason many of the faces did seem familiar to me. I did feel there could be opportunities for some unusual conversations. I guess I’m open to whatever it can be. After the load out… I feel much more open to giving this gig a try because it was fast paced and hardly any standing around. It feels good to break a sweat. So during the break I was already half way to Indy and the cultural diversity drum circle meets on Sunday. The leader has just returned from Africa and I was wanting to welcome her back and say hello to whomever joins us. I had a little time to spare before the drum circle so I thought I would try out a new disc golf course nearby to the university we meet to drum at. When I arrived to the course there was a private event going on so I was unable to play. Looks like there was a jazz concert about to go down there… and I thought that would’ve been fun to be invited to the private event… hehe… a little jazz in the park sounds like a great time. So I headed towards the university garden’s to take a stroll through the woods and listen to the birds and wind through the trees. I absolutely love the opportunities for a peaceful stroll through the woods. They have a pond with a water fountain that holds large koi fish which are just monstrous in size.. hehe.. I was able to chat with the leader when she arrived. We decided to go ahead and drum outside. A little chance of rain which worried the leader but all the ladies who showed was reassuring her that everything is all good. So yes it was the first time that there was only women at the circle. To be honest there were only two who seem to have enough experience with drumming to create and mesh together to play improve drumming. The remaining four of us aren’t so experienced. I was hoping this would be a good opportunity for the leader to help guide us or direct us to learn some of her rhythms she knows from her childhood. She did start to want to teach us but she was teaching us more on how to sing. So she had us just keep a steady beat and come in and sing at the proper time. I would like to learn how to do this better too. If you’ve ever tried to sing and drum at the same time… it gets a bit tricky and I’d like to get better at it as well. I keep thinking about Aya ceremonies and how opportunities and can arise to grow deeper on ways to help guests connect during ceremony. In my opinion Icaros can involve music with voice and instruments and rhythms. Once I start to get a collection of instruments… I’m looking forward to having them in ceremony with me and see if I’m drawn to use them. Lol.. shoot when it comes to ceremonies there’s a highly likely chance that I can pick up an instrument and start playing as if I’ve been doing this all my life.. hehe… ceremony is just so wild and I have a feeling that my style of Icaro will be leading to explore this more. I was able to make it back home to watch the final two episodes to a series with my pops we’ve been watching and grabbing something to eat before returning to Ruoff. This time I came in about an hour early to my shift. I came solo and so I was able to check if they needed any help before the shift but they already had staff to come in early so they didn’t need my help until I was scheduled. So I went ahead and checked out the concert. It was Zac Brown Band… I’ve heard of his group and I’m sure there’s some song they sing that I’ve heard, but I cannot recall what they are. I thought this is part of the benefits to working here so I thought I’d check out how the stage looks, see how the crowd is and see what the feel of the atmosphere is. It’s been a long minute since I’ve been on the lawn area of Deer Creek. It was packed and it was fun to people watch for a bit. I remember that was one thing I enjoyed when I worked here years ago was the diversity of fans that show up to the live concerts. I watched a few songs and then headed back to the docks. I checked in and at this show when we checked in they gave us a specific area to work on and gave us color coded shirts to keep us organized and to have the crew know who is working with them. They put me on the audio team with blue shirts. I sat next to these two guys and eventually I struck up a conversation with them. They were wearing blue shirts too and asked if they knew a little bit of the expectations of being a part of the audio team. They happened to be a father-son team. The father helps setup audio and Vistula at the JW Marriot and he hires this team to help him setup events at times and he enjoys participating in these gigs when he has time. His son just started this summer and I’m happy I spoke to them. They were hard workers and were much more knowledgeable than most in this area… i presume. They warned me its going to be chaotic for load out. There’s going to be so much going on so again be safe. It was a circus… hehe… and I felt an energy of rushing to get things packed up and shipped out. So I have little experience with disconnecting microphones and wires so I felt like I was the least experienced on site… hehe… but I knew I’d pick it up and not afraid to ask for help. Lol… there was a moment where a gentleman was asking me to help him out with his equipment. And even when it came to locking up the case I wasn’t familiar of how the latch works. I was chuckling to myself because I didn’t know how to do it… I felt like I was wasting his time but I figured it out… and he was so calm and collected and was going to explain it to me. That’s what I felt was really good. Most of the crew were really calm about explaining things to us. It seemed that they first would ask us to do something and when they saw if we had hesitation then they would take the time to explain in a calm manner. There was so much language that was being used that was going over my head but there were some things that were clicking into place… lol.. it was fun. I found myself smiling and chuckling to myself and someone actually asked me what I’m laughing at. I wasn’t expecting anyone to notice and I couldn’t even really respond.. I was enjoying all the little things I was noticing and just chuckling to myself how much I don’t know what’s going on but observing behavior that people aren’t seeing though either. So I know there’s so much I’m missing as well. Anyway it was fun. I went ahead and signed up to join the staff coming up this Friday. It’s another country band, Eric Church I believe. I remember when I was teaching dance one of my students really loved his music. I might try to come in early again to check out a few of his songs. It would be crazy if I run into my past student… he was a bit shy so I don’t know if he’d go to a concert or not. But who knows… I think I’m going to message the manager today. I think there might be opportunities to have some training opportunities. The son I was shadowing said there might be a rigging training coming up on the 14th. I don’t even know what that involves.. hehe.. I guess I want to let her know I’m definitely interested in getting any training I can. I know I’m learning a lot being thrown into the chaos but it would be nice to have a little more structured training as well. Plus I’ve been seeding to her that I’m interested in learning… I’m used to being a hard worker and being noticed by management, but with so many people running around… I figure it might be best to speak up about opportunities then to randomly stand out of the crowd. So we’ll see where it leads. My life was getting pretty monotonous so I’m happy I’m looking to change things up a bit. Oh one of my buddies also got a hold of me and wanted to see if I’m interested in an art project. He’s working for a company where they have many scraps to possibly build things. He was brainstorming with his girlfriend and they thought maybe of making playscapes for cats. They actually have a girl that is interested. He doesn’t have the time to do this, but he thought of me. So I told him that I’d be interested in meeting the girl and see what she’s looking for. I guess she likes to do pole dancing for fun and lol… I could find some fun conversations to have with her. Again… I’m trying to open up to new conversations and experiences. I’m heading back to the drum troupe practice tomorrow as well. I’ve been practicing the rhythms I recorded… even though my little buddy Elvis is not sure he likes my drumming. I’m using a five gallon water jug to practice on. I hope he can get use to it more, because I definitely know I”ll be getting a drum sooner or later and I’ll enjoy practicing. I’d love for him to get use to it so he doesn’t freak out about live music. I feel we’re going to be attracting this into our lives. He did so well with Aya ceremonies and Icaros and the energy going on. Instruments might get added into them as well and just casual jam sessions are potentials… so just get him used to it and maybe it will translate to other noises that makes him uncomfortable too. Hehe he’s been all over me today. I was gone for most of the day yesterday so I’m going to go ahead and get off here and spend a chill day with him and my pops. Ok until next time.

Alright… so I watched a show and a movie with my pops then I wanted to take my walk to the park and I ran into my neighbor. I was talking to him about applying to a place he was involved with but he suggested a gig that’s a little closer and a little more laid back. So he reached out and I can see how it is on Sunday… so that works out. Let’s look at Tuesday real quick… I was excited for the drum troupe practice. It’s about an hour away so I made a day out of it. I stopped by the Yorktown disc golf. I checked to see if my uncle’s wife was wanting to give it a go, but they weren’t home so I went solo. I keep on finding feathers there… and large ones which are pretty cool. I keep picking them up even though I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing with them yet… usually if I don’t find something to do with them then I’ll find someone who will do something with them. I’m curious to see if I can find out which bird these feathers are coming from. I stopped by a local fruit and vegetable stand and picked up some peaches and a little stick of honey. I cannot get enough of fruits and I can’t explain how much I enjoy the dripping juices when I bite into them… hehe… it’s one of the best sensations I enjoy so much. I headed to the reservoir near the location of the drum practice and I had about four hours to spend so I went to their beach to check it out. I’ve been loving getting into any water that I can lately and the beaches here in Indiana aren’t really a beach and they rope it off so it’s such a small section. There were mostly families there and I enjoy watching all the kids playing but then you also get the parents yelling at the kiddos too. I spent about an hour there but I saw there were some hiking trails along the south end so I went to check them out. It was a bike trail as well and I could see it would be a really fun trail to go mountain biking but the walk was really nice as well. Kept finding feathers… I think I found a blue jay feather which was cool. One of the trails ended with a park bench and a fire pit along the bank of the reservoir and so I sat and enjoyed the view. I wanted to go back into the water and I was debating if it would be appropriate to go skinny dipping or not. I decided to just swim and good thing there were a few bikers who came by and a few distant boats. I don’t think anyone would’ve noticed if I was in the nude or not, but I enjoyed swimming there much more than the beach. Plus there were fish flopping out of the water and birds on the banks and in the water… it was just a little more to my liking. So if I return I’ll skip the beach and just go hiking and swimming at this spot. There was a large hiking trail… I didn’t even get through all of it because my time was running short to meet for practice. But hell yeah that’s a great day for me and practice was cool too. They let me record some of the songs so I can remember and practice a bit before I return. They are such a sweet group. I didn’t get to meet anymore new people but the ones who were there last time returned and we all really mesh well together. The leader said if I wanted to join them in their performances that I’m welcome to… they really are impressed how quickly I’m picking things up. I didn’t know if I could join them but I’d love to watch and he said that they’ve had sit ins before and I didn’t have to know every part to participate. So we’ll see. For now I appreciate sharing this time with them. And my hands are a little raw because I get into it so much.. hehe. The last few days there’s a weird animal thing going on at the house. Normally there’s two stray cats that we see time to time… one of them comes all the time. She’s the one that stayed with us last winter and she’s my dad’s little shadow when he’s working outside. But then all of a sudden we see there’s two more stray cats. We’re thinking she’s in heat and so these guys were drawn to her but we haven’t seen them before. The next day we were going outside and there were two dogs on our porch. They didn’t have any collars on but they looked very healthy and well taken care of so they must have gotten loose. We have a container that catches rain water and the little pug was lapping up as much as she could. It looked like they’ve been running the town… hehe… and now we have a possum that’s been getting inside the house. It’s been like three nights in a row now… hehe… dad thought he had taken care of any holes where any critters can get in but somehow the possum has found it’s way in and he’s like Houdini making his way through the house when we think we’ve got him trapped somewhere he finds his way to another area of the house. He’s fallen into a bag of kitty food so we’ve been able to take him outside but we’re hoping he’ll fall for it one more time and we’ve agreed that we’re going to have to take him to the woods now. He’s not too old but I don’t think he has a mother but he’ll just keep getting bigger and I definitely don’t want Elvis to get in a fight with him. I have no clue why my cat doesn’t seem to notice this little guy roaming around the house. It’s like he’s oblivious to him. I’m actually grateful for that. He’s a smart little guy so I’m not sure he’ll fall for it again but I know my dad’s getting pretty annoyed with him. So it will be the best for us all if he accidentally falls into the food bag again so we can safely put him into the woods. Been having a good conversation with one of the guys I’ve been working with. He’s the one that I shared ceremony with… not the metaphysical head butt one. The one that was giving me hope that maybe some people might actually be ready for the spiritual path. But he messaged me saying that he started seeing visuals that were similar to what he saw during the Bufo ceremony and asked if that was normal. I didn’t know all the details at that time but I said that normally it would be out of your system by now… it’s been a week ago but I’m not certain how his psyche is handling it. He said there were some odd things going on and wanted to talk about it. He was at work at the time and I was about to head out to do the day at the reservoir before drumming so I said tomorrow would be a better day to chat. But I went ahead and sent him one of Leo’s videos… the dangers of Spiritual work… hehe… I told him I introduced something new to his psyche and I know we enjoyed it but I wanted to make sure he knew what he’s getting himself into. I try to explain it to him, but I also know that Leo does an amazing job at this and I’ve spent hundred of hours with his video and it’s an amazing foundation to see if Spiritual work is something we’re ready to do or not. I told him I had a good idea of what the consequences would be and I was willing to pay the price for it. I’m enthusiastic about it but I also know the challenges I faced as well… many won’t want to go through these challenges. The next day we chatted a bit and he mentioned the first time we met over the fall/winter months. He remembered when he was telling me he wanted to focus on overcoming his addiction using Aya and I had said this will go much deeper than addiction. He admitted when he heard this he was like… .meh… I don’t think she really knows what she’s talking about. But now that he’s been having conversations with me and experienced Bufo he’s realizing what I meant by that statement. He said that he’s been thinking a lot of things he hasn’t thought about before. He had no clue how deep I was wanting to take our conversations. And I told him that we’re taking our time. I’m really impressed with how well he’s open to what’s been discussed and how well he opened up in ceremony, but I also wanted to make sure his intentions were pure. As we hangout and get to know each other I’ve been getting a feeling that there’s a little of him that wants to continue to make me happy and I told him that cannot be the reason to proceed. He admitted that he wants to purify his gut reactions he has towards women… and I said that’s a good insight to admit and I’m someone he can discuss these things with. I’m a woman who does not want anything sexual from him… I’m someone who is literally wanting him to understand himself beyond a human surviving… hehe… which may sound cool, but the implications go deep and just because you might have a crush on me and talk about things that sound cool and introduce him to psychedelics which are cool… these are not the intentions to proceed forward. He agreed that it wasn’t what he thought it was going to be. He has a bit of him that wants to continue on, but another part of him is hesitant. He’s back to work in Ohio this week so he said he’ll try to get his mind gathered to see if he’s actually ready to go on or not. I said I’m here for the marathon. He doesn’t have to be ready now… if it takes a few years… then that’s what it will take. If he decides the spiritual path isn’t for him… he’ll be like most where it will be an unintentional path because he’s already on it before we met. He was laughing at himself because he never thought he’d have these types of conversations with people who are looking at him weird and having personal conversations about women to a woman… lol… I’ve been calling him out on a few things that I’ve heard him do… nothing too crazy but I’m trying to give him a better idea of how my mind works and how much I’m observing and my interpretations of it. He’s starting to get a better picture that I’m always working… hehe… Last night I had a pleasant surprise. One of the original twelve messaged me. He’s one of the twelve that I’ve gotten to know much better because we’ve hung out quite a bit since the first round of Aya ceremonies. He’s the one I was finding myself synchronizing Icaros for him with the female shaman. We’ve been back to Peru together to share ceremonies. I went to visit him in Florida and he’s come to visit me in Colorado. I didn’t get his permission to discuss what we talked about, but it was really good to hear from him. It’s been over a year since we’ve spoke. I saw his message and there was no way that I wasn’t going to call him instead of messaging him back. There was too much excitement. I’m just glad he’s alive and doing well… he was pretty down the last time we were together and yes we had an exchange that was challenging and it took him awhile to be able to reach out to me. He looked at my social media and noticed I hadn’t been posting for over a year as well. I told him I’ve been processing a lot and I needed a break myself and I knew he would understand this. It was so good to hear from him. I thought it was interesting that some times in our conversations our connection would fail and it seemed it happened when there was talk of possibly getting together soon. As much as I would like to visit him, I feel there needs to be more time and space before we should connect again. He’s feeling like he wants to clear some shit out so he’s trying to find ceremonies close to him. I recommended a mutual friend of ours who said he was in the states temporarily and so possibly he’ll reach out. He wasn’t sure he was wanting to go to Peru but if it comes to it and I’m not going I have another friend to recommend whom he hasn’t me yet. But I think she would be great for him to share ceremony with. She’s involved with a retreat that includes plant dieta along with Aya and that seems to be what I’m leaning towards for recommendations now. Dieta is an amazing balance with Aya. Yeah it’s interesting like I said in my earlier post… my structure towards sharing ceremony is transforming… I”m trying not to swing the pendulum so drastically even though I’m much more hesitant than I was… Wont’ really know the balance until I try things out and not rush anything. Most of the people who wants to share ceremony with me… I’m just not feeling it, but I also know how much I learn when I do share so it’s a tricky situation. Ceremony really really kickstarted me on a deliberate Spiritual path… but that was through Aya. Are these ceremonies I’m sharing going to be as impactful? I’ll just keep feeling my way through it. I do know I’m trying to create a little space from it right now, but who knows how long that will last… hehe. Ok that’s good for tonight. Until next time.

Alright… I feel a bit antsy or eager… lol.. I definitely want to switch things up. I’ve been trying this patience thing out and I’ve done better than I’ve done in the past… hehe… but I’ve got a drive inside that wants to put things into gear. I left a message for the mayor today to hopefully get an appointment to setup a job shadow with the street department to learn the basics to drive the machinery. I’m getting to a point that if it takes me digging with a shovel then that’s where I’m going to be. I want to get back to the jungle and at least get the experience of personal intention into Aya in solo ceremonies. So again I know I had first impression interpretations of what would be required. But I also have to be open to being wrong. I know I wanted to do my dieta and dig the next time I return but hey if it takes a few times to break it down then that will be fine too. The last time I wrote I ended up getting some messages from different people and I’m finding myself wanting to shut down my communications again… lol.. I don’t think I have to go to those extremes but it does go through my mind if it’s not best to disconnect a bit more to available energies. Direct my attention to a few accesses… it’s not like I don’t enjoy catching up, but since I’m reevaluating my structure towards ceremony… I feel I have to deal with the consequences of what my approach was before. Lol… so the more I speak to people the more I feel they aren’t really certain why they want to share ceremony with me. And I’m wondering if I should be sharing with them as well. I enjoy it, but are they actually ready to take the necessary steps psychologically to handle what is coming for them? So just to give another history of the approach to ceremony. I was extremely surprised to find that I have abilities in ceremonies. It was hard for me to admit this to myself so mostly I would just be doing Aya and doing the integration. I decided after the third round of Aya to start introducing DMT during the integration period. Shortly after I was doing this solo I started to get messages of sharing it with others which I was reluctant to do because I didn’t think I would be ready. But after sharing ceremony I understood why it was so beneficial. Then it seemed that I swung the pendulum over to where I wanted to share it with whomever showed any interest in it. And I was being vocal about it in social apps. After this Awakening I was shook up to the core and needed time to ground and integrate and now I’m looking at sharing ceremony to sense where potential guests are at. What are their intentions? What’s they’re maturity level… trauma..etc… I feel like I have put this responsibility on myself. And with this responsibility it isn’t lining up with their desires. I’m running into psychonauts who are fairly careless with their usage and their approach isn’t showing much respect to the process. On one hand I want to show them a different approach but on the other hand I’m wondering if I’m really the one to share ceremony with them? Again when I started to be deliberate in shamanism I originally thought I was going to have to share with everyone who was interested but now I’m understanding that many things I’m drawn to do isn’t that style of shaman. I’m not wanting to be at a center waiting for guests to come to share. I’m exploring the messages I’m receiving and yes that includes sharing but it’s more of a particular crew not just everyone. Maybe one day I’ll be there but right now… I don’t want to. And I want to be ok with that. There are people who want to share ceremony with and one hand I want to but the other is honestly we’re not in alignment. I don’t want to share with them at this time. If I continue to deal with the same people its going to want me to close myself up. I’ve been getting out of town and meeting some new faces and I really enjoy that. I want to add more of that into my life right now. Because I’ve been closed up for a long time now and I don’t want to continue to close myself off… I want to have conversations where they’re not expecting anything from me. I’m entertaining the idea of getting back to work again. Again I’ve rested and grounded so I feel I can handle engagement’s with people. I’m not as sensitive to people’s energies lately either. So adding this back into my life is my next step. I’m not looking for 40+ hours a week… Start off part-time and see where I’m at. I think I have an opportunity which isn’t exactly what I’m looking for but I think it will be interesting as well. I hope there’s enough variety but that’s what I’ll have to check out. I’ll be allowing opportunity for new conversations and also allow me to not be so available for the people I’m working with now…hehe… it sounds so bad to say this, but yeah I feel like there’s a little neediness even if subtle. They will accept the excuse of me working other than I’m just not interested in hanging at the time… hehe… but I feel like I’ve got an abundance of energy that needs a place to have an outlet. I really love the drum troop practice because I can see how much of my energy is booming and on the edge… and it’s been nice to have that outlet. Lol… my dad’s wondering if I want to watch a movie with him… so I’ll go ahead and watch one with him. I’m sure I’ll return and ramble a little more.

Good morning… So I thought I wanted to go ahead and Journal about the last few days… again I’m processing things that might seem like rambling,,, and maybe it is but I feel like doing this and seeing what comes out of it. So Saturday I ended up going to Salamonie Lake to swim, emerge into Nature, get to understand where some of the guys I’ve been spending time with and see how I’m responding and see what I’m attracting. So one of the guys I’ve been working with had offered to go camping with me on Wednesday. And so Saturday we decided to go and by then he had invited another friend to go and while we were getting ready we asked another friend to join. So it was the three guys that I shared ceremony or at least a version of it. So originally I thought I would just ride with them but I was a little hesitant because I’m getting an idea of how relaxed they are and I’ve been waiting to go to my niece and nephew’s play on Sunday. I had asked if we would be able to return back in time for me to get to the play on time. He said that shouldn’t be a problem, but I still kept thinking maybe I should drive separately. He picked me up and the car was already loaded down and we were supposed to pick a friend and his dog. We went to pick him up and he was with another friend. I ended up asking if he wanted to join us and we’d just take another vehicle. It made me feel more confident to return when I wanted to and not having to rely on them. They liked the fact that I was allowing them to take their time on Sunday when they want to return and I can leave whenever I wanted to. So again when I say let’s go camping… I realize my intension differs from them. I really want to connect with Nature… mostly I wanted to go swimming specifically. There’s been a lot of heat lately and I’ve been trying to find times to go swimming…. I absolutely love to be submerged into water. I thought possible this might be a good opportunity to share a deeper experience with ceremony. I know one of them struggles to surrender in ceremony, but I thought having the two of his friends it would allow him to be more comfortable to surrender a little more. The guy that I was originally talking about camping I’m still a bit hesitant to share ceremony alone with him because he feels there’s a sexual connection he wants to share with me. I don’t know how this came about. In my opinion I”ve been honest of where I am with sexuality and who I want to share my sexual experiences with but in my opinion… that made it a challenge for him and he wants me to have him as part of that experience. After a few comments I started thinking that I have to literally be more direct with him so he knows that is not an option to share sexual energy with him but I didn’t get the chance to do this. So when did I see the difference in our intentions? Once they were together they started to ask each other what substances do they have to get high. The guy whom thinks we have a sexual whatever is on probation and is not drinking or smoking weed at this time, but he’s open to psychedelics. The two other guys are habitual weed smokers but they didn’t have any. So they both were uncomfortable not having it with them. My old class mate was ready struggling without having weed to take. He was the one who I asked to come along at the last minute. He was frazzled because he didn’t have much time to prepare. He said that’s he was told he wasn’t going to be able to come because there wasn’t enough space. If he thought he had a chance to go he would’ve been looking for smoke immediately. In his mind he needs weed not just for his sanity but for everyone he’s with. He says he behaves differently. He says he’ll be more withdrawn and not social. And that’s exactly how he was. Most of the time he sat alone and barely engaged in conversation. If I am completely honest, it was a breath of fresh air. Normally he overpowers the conversations and when I’m camping I would like to enjoy listening to the woods then always listening to conversation… hehe… even though the guys I was with wanted to play their music instead of listening to the natural music that’s there. Again just a different approach to camping. I decided to wear shorts… I haven’t been wearing shorts lately because normally when I’m going out doors I’m heading to the woods to play disc golf so I cover my legs because there’s poison ivy that I’m trying to avoid catching. Also with my scars I haven’t been wearing shorts either because I still have a little self conscious and not wanting people to have me explain what the scars are from. It’s really not a big deal, but sometimes I make it a bigger deal than what it is. Anywho the guy who thinks there’s a sexual thing going made a comment right away. He said he hasn’t seen me in shorts and he really enjoys my thighs. He thinks they are sexy. I looked at him a bit surprised but I said thank you… it’s been hot lately and I really want to go swimming so it’s going to be more comfortable for me to wear shorts. So I realize he has an attraction towards me, but there’s a bit of toxicity because he’s not aware of how I’m responding to his comments. But I’m also not being as blunt as I want to be out of being courteous but also seeing how aware he is in this area of interaction. There were a few other times he mentioned something about my thighs… but I didn’t even recognize what he was saying at first because most of the time I was focused on gathering wood for a fire and I didn’t expect him to be making those comments. I am walking around the camp and the woods to search for wood so that was my focus and then I’d realize… wait was he trying to hit on me again? I haven’t complimented him in return… I haven’t encouraged this talk so I keep thinking why does his conversation want to lead in that direction? So that’s when I’m thinking this cannot continue… I’ve got to be more direct and possibly saying something in front of the guys so they understand that this interaction makes me uncomfortable and I hope to not have to continue to address this. I’m not looking to hook up with any of them. My class mate already knows this. We’ve discussed this and he said he’s spoken to the guys that I’m not that type of woman, but we also know saying that doesn’t stop them from their attempts. The other friend may be attracted to me but he’s not overtly obvious about it. His approach was more subtle… it’s actually been interactions with his dog did he imply that he was attracted to me in a sexual way. Lol… so I happen to be on my period right now and the day I started I was hanging out with him and my neighbor. I waited too long to go to the store to pick up sanitation pads and they thought I was wanting a drink or snack so they were offering me things and I said it’s a feminine thing that I wanted to grab at the store. Well my neighbor said he had an extra tampon he keeps around for such an occasion and I thanked him. Well throughout that evening the dog was definitely curious about me and my scent. He was getting excited and his owner was trying to get him away and curbing his behavior so he wasn’t getting aggressive towards me and not nagging me. Lol… I wish he was that aware with his buddy because his buddy is acting like the dog but in a human form. So that’s why I thought making a public comment might help… I don’t know if it will. That evening with the dog was when we were microdosing the L and so when we were prepping to leave it was happening there were words being said under their breath… under the breath… are those words supposed to be heard. I think it is… but he said that his dog is super smart and he knows I’m leaving so he’s getting as much of my scent before I leave. He said he’ll allow him to run it off and work it out of him. During the camping trip it was happening a little again and he told his dog that when he gets old enough he’ll find him a bitch to work on but he’s not there yet. So yeah there’s an undertone of domination being there and the intensity of sexual desire is present but he can curb his approach. I don’t think they have connected my behavior towards them is curbed because I’m aware of this… so I don’t hangout with them as regularly and if sexual conversations come up then I approach to respond in an exclusive way and give details about myself and my desires if its sexual… again not them but someone else… anyway I wish this wasn’t such a factor in our interactions but I also know this is pretty normal. But I also have many engagements where its not so present and getting to know each other and building a connection is more apparent. These are what I’m trying to attract more of. So while we were setting up the campsite I was hoping to build up a sweat so I can enjoy swimming more. Fortunately for me a brother of the friend who has a dog was on his way with two of his daughters to go swimming. So when they arrived and were about to head off I asked to see if I can join them. And so I did end up swimming which was about five miles from where we were. The other guys didn’t end up joining us except the brother so if they didn’t come… most likely I wouldn’t have got to swim or I’d have to go alone which wouldn’t be a problem because again that was the main intention to go camping in the first place. And not having all the guys join us actually gave me a break from them which I enjoyed…hehe… The girls are two cute and a lot of fun. One girl is in the third grade and the other is in sixth. They like the whole youtube dance videos so I had them teaching me their dances they like and we found ourselves in the water making up our own dances. It was refreshing to be with the young girls and having a different approach to what they have their attention on. I also enjoy speaking to their father. The father is who I want to share ceremony with but he suggested that I start with his brother. But this was a good time to have a conversation. One thing that I enjoy about the father is that he went into a deep experience with DMT before we came back to having conversations. I think it’s been well over a year and he says that he’s still waiting to be ready to go back into it again. He’s overcome addiction and it’s present in his awareness that what he experienced wasn’t to get high…. I see that in him and I respect that. He also has visions he’s trying to manifest with his family and I cannot wait to see him actualized his visions. But I also know that conversations are just as important as ceremony. I would like to have a one on one conversation but I can settle with having his brother there with us because again is guard is down and he’s interacting more casually with his family around. It’s nice to see there honest thoughts instead of trying to approach conversations with me by using complicated thoughts of people they enjoy listening to. We spent close to four ours swimming and we had such a beautiful sun set over the water… pink and purple clouds with seagulls flying in the air… it was really enjoyable and pleasant. We headed back to camp so he can drop us off and again I was pleasantly surprised to see that the sexual guy had one of his girlfriends there. There was a little bit of a boundary that was present when she was there and that made me feel good. I thought thankfully I won’t have to call him out in front of his friends and have to deal with him making crude comments for the rest of the night. Also now that I got to know her more I can now have more conversations towards someone he shares sexual engagements with when these topics come up and that helps. She was a bit distant to me at first… she was trying to figure out why I’m there… I”m not certain what’s been said about me but I wanted to show her a that I’m just a buddy there with friends. After we ate two of the guys ended up microdosing L and the rest of us didn’t participate. The classmate was still by himself and probably in his struggle bus but wasn’t involving us in his struggle and fell asleep first. The girl and I were more on the quiet side and didn’t say much and mostly listening. The two friends were talking and most of their conversations was about their past experiences of drug use and how extreme they were with it. They would remind themselves that they are happy they aren’t in that place anymore, but again they couldn’t direct the conversation in a new direction. Finally I wasn’t really wanting to listen to more of those stories… honestly I’m getting bored listening to these stories… I would like to see what they are wanting to create in their lives but the past is hovering and consuming their minds. I went to bed trying to sleep on the ground in the tent and finally when everyone else decided to go to bed I got up and moved to the back seat of the car because I knew it was going to be much more comfortable and it really was. So in the morning I went ahead and directed the conversation and my focus was to get to know the girl more. I asked her what she’s in to. She wasn’t sure how to respond but she said she spends most of her time with her grandkids. So I jumped on to it because I enjoy kids and mentioned my family… and so she started to open up a bit more and started to tell stories about her family and the joy she gets spending time with them. She started to say how she loves to work on wood… she words for a cabinetry shop and what types of arts and crafts she enjoys. Yeah she definitely opened up and loosened up. She actually gave me a little sign that she wasn’t trying to be standoffish when I woke up and found a little branch that was woven into a heart shape. I loved it and she was smiling and said she thought I might enjoy that… and once that happened I knew she was open to connect a bit more. It takes a little while for some to wake up and needs their coffee or whatever so yeah there was a moment to start a conversation with her. So it was getting towards the time I was wanting to leave and so I parted ways and because she drove separately I didn’t feel responsible of trying to figure out how to get my classmate and all his belongings back. I knew they would be slow moving in the morning and thankful I didn’t have to push him a little bit to get his stuff together so we could leave. Because she was there I knew they would find out the way to get everyone and all the stuff back whenever they decided to head back. So I had an hour drive back and mostly country… I love that and I was getting excited to see to my kiddos again. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen them because of a little disagreement but my dads been able to continue the relationship and since this was a public event… I wasn’t going to let the disagreement stop me from enjoying their performance. My niece was in a play last year that I wasn’t here to attend and so I didn’t want to miss out this year and since i”m here I want to go and check her out. It was the first performance for my nephew and I was excited to see how they would do. I remember a few plays I was in when I was in elementary. There was a video that I remember and how cute all the kids are and some unconscious habits that shows… any way I was looking forward to it and excited. When I returned home my dad already got back from his trip from LA. We thought we would be meeting at the play but he got in earlier then expected and he said he was getting loopy the last few hours when he got back to the comfortable area of Indiana. He said he was in Lala land but knew he was almost home. He got about five hours sleep before getting up and I arrived about a half hour. So we were just relaxed the rest of the morning preparing to go to the play. We had to drop off the van to his wife’s house and got to the play. They were doing Willy Wonka Jr. I thought they did an amazing job… I couldn’t help myself thinking about what I would do to the set.. hehe but I thought it was funny that my dad didn’t remember how dark the movie got. I thought they did it well without focusing too much on the darkness but I couldn’t stop smiling when I saw the kiddos up there. I found myself chuckling to myself a lot when I saw my nephew and niece. They are adorable. Because of this disagreement, I wasn’t sure how they would respond. Well I knew my little nephew would be pretty normal… He probably forgot about it not that long after it happened but also when we’re together we get into our own little world and we just enjoy that world we share together. But my niece she’s a little older and she will better understand what the disagreement was about and so she might not know how to react to me. Yes the disagreement wasn’t between us but it was between adults that she admires and adores and didn’t know how to respond with them not agreeing and reacting in ways that made her feel uncomfortable. So I noticed that she saw me and I saw her not know how to respond but she also kept her professional performance face on. I just saw that she redirected her eyes immediately… hehe.. but not so obvious. I also saw her eyes draw towards us from time to time when she was on stage.. she still enjoyed that we were there to watch them. After the show they came out so people can talk to the actors/actresses… I could finally love on them and I was in heaven. My niece was a bit more hesitant but my nephew wasn’t. We were just drawn to each other and so I spent my focus on him. I don’t know when I’ll get another opportunity so I’ll take advantage of it as much as I can. I get into a little bubble when I’m with them and so we were playing zombie super power rivals… and yes there were quite a bit of people and kids but we were trying to not get over board but still being childlike. I’ve been looking for an opportunity for awhile now and I’m super happy I got it. I didn’t get to see the other kiddos or my brother, but I’ll accept what I had and extremely grateful. Maybe it can be a turning point, but we’ll see how it unfolds. Yesterday evening I met up with another guy I’ve been working with. He had worked in Ohio for the week and he said he’ll have more time to digest our ceremony and will be able to have a better conversation about the experience. So we got together and he was laughing because he was still struggling where he normally doesn’t struggle with conversation but how to explain what happened to him in this experience he hasn’t found it natural. I asked if it’s ok for us to visit a girl friend of mine who lived right around the corner. She’s a close friend I share ceremony with and she understands how challenging to explain her experience as well. I thought it might be good to introduce them. They both are recovering addicts in their own poison of choice but again they are recovering and has gotten the huge struggle out of the way and now they are maintaining. They also have both recently separated from their partners. They both do fairly well in ceremony when it comes to opening up and surrendering. And they’ve been through a Bufo ceremony and so I thought it would be good practice for them to try to discuss this. Again it was nice to introduce people who are kind of in a similar place in their life. They don’t feel so alone in their attempts when they see people in the same boat. I can admit to them that I’ve been there and am still there in my own way but they don’t relate me in the same manner as they did with themselves. I’m noticing the guy is starting to really click with his awareness. We had a conversation about theory and direct experience and he admits that he seems to not be understanding, but when we were talking with her there were a few times he noticed when he went to give examples he wanted to give examples of what he heard from other people instead of his direct experiences and he was catching it. He’s like I’m going to be approaching life completely differently aren’t i… I said hopefully you want to approach life more consciously… if that’s the case then yes we’re going to be changing. we might be heading back to his land this weekend… not sure, but I might see if we can share a ceremony with the three of us and see where it goes. I’m excited for tomorrow drum circle and trying to plan a day where I go disc golfing with my uncle’s wife, swimming in the reservoir, and drumming. I just got a message from the leader and so I’m going to respond. I think theres a full moon in Aquarius tomorrow so I’m going to see if there might be an opportunity to play drums outside or not… maybe I’ll wait until tomorrow to see where everyone is at… but that might be cool! Alright until next time.

So I thought maybe I’d go to the Forum and respond to some threads… but I didn’t see any threads that were sticking out to me to respond to… so I thought what threads can I start sharing? So what things have I been learning lately with the people I’m engaging with that seem subtle but interesting. The first thing I thought of is words of wisdom.. or advice… I’ve been noticing more that when I’m engaging with someone I might have advice to share… and before it seems like I was responding and thinking that this is a lesson I knew and this is an area that they can develop… but I’m realizing if this is coming up in conversation then it’s something I need to look at as well, and an opportunity to look into deeper. How many ways does the universe communicate? Hehe… it’s boggling and exciting I’ve been running into the issue of the structure of conversation. What’s the intention behind a conversation? I’ve ran into one-sided conversations… so I’m guessing I still need to dig deeper in myself on how to balance a conversation out better. When it comes to people I don’t know well in my human experience I find that I’m listening more than speaking, but say I’m talking to people I know really well then I become a rambler… hehe especially when I speak to my pops. So what’s my approach to a thread? Giving and receiving advice… anyone noticing our advice we are giving is directed not only to whom we are speaking to but also ourselves? Having issues socializing? Do we really want to connect or are we just desperate to have someone to talk to? Hmmm… I feel like I’m trying to get somewhere with this, but it’s not coming out as easily Maybe I need to go to some examples and start working it out… see if I can find the juice I’m looking for. Advice… one thing that is coming up to me is when I was having ceremony with my buddy and I noticed that he was on edge… not that he was necessarily being obvious that he was nervous but I could feel it and I’ve just been observing his mannerisms when we’re in social settings. When he’s inside a space he sits off to the edge of the social circle with his body language faced towards an exit… just in case. I thought he is on the verge of running away… am I on the verge of running away myself? I’ve been trying to get to a point where I have one ticket in and no ticket out so I can take in the environment and judge for myself whether I want to continue to stay or not. When I see him I can see the tension in his body as well… He definitely plays it off that he’s the most relaxed and chill guy there is but his body is solid and not pliable. I know I’m much more stiffer than I’d like… there’s tension in my body that once in awhile I’m trying to work out. What am I tense about? Am I trying to run away from something? I’ve been having conversations with people and I know I’ve been saying that I have attracted myself back to Indiana because I’m supposed to be here. There’s people I’m supposed to be talking to and things I’m working out. But in the back of my mind I wish I could just get started already on making some steps towards getting back to the jungle.. hehe…. I’ve been trying to calm down and let things go with the flow… I’m trying a different approach to attract instead of pushing. I’m excited to get back and see where ceremony goes. I cannot help myself… This message of putting my intentions into the Ayahuasca to find my guidance to locate items in the ground… that’s fascinating for me. I’ve heard about this about other shamans who have been guided to find plants or whatever in ceremony and now I get a chance to do this for myself. I’m so curious what it’s going to be like. I’m not there now so I kno wI”m not ready to do it or… I’d be there doing it hehe. I’ve noticed that I’ve been drawn to a few things that I feel have been getting me prepared in a way… Disc golf… Here in my home town we’ve got a pretty wooded area to throw in… so I’m still throwing my discs into the woods less than I used to but still I have to go searching and hunting for them. I’m getting pretty good at locating them… and there are times where it’s almost to the point that I give up…. And I think to myself… what if I get to that point in my upcoming adventures… I’m sure I’m going to pushed to the point where maybe I should just give up. When I’m by myself I’m not in a hurry and so I don’t give up looking and I end up finding them. I have lost one disc but that was when I was with someone. We tried but also it felt like after a long while… we should just continue on. I let the guys I know who take care of the course know that I lost it and so I know they’ll return it to me if they find it. But that’s what I’m learning too right now… not to give up, right? I’ve been playing a this two dots online game and sometimes they offer a seek and find game which I’m getting pretty good at… it seems like it’s elementary style but honestly it’s been helping me pick out the disc quicker it seems. I’ve been getting an idea that when I start to dig that it will be more in the dry season. But I guess I also am getting when it comes to locating and figuring out what I’m supposed to do… I should be by myself. If I’m by myself I won’t give up and feel a pressure that I’m taking too long for someone else. So it’s on my shaman’s land… I feel like I can get to the point where I can ask him to allow me some time by myself to do those sessions. I was in the maloca when I received that message. I will start there and see if it eventually wants me to go to that part of the land to continue. Maybe I should just start at the location of the land… it showed me that location for a reason, right? So yeah if I go and do this myself I feel like I should prepare myself as much as I can before I go. What I mean is to get more grounded before going solo again. I already feel like I’m more grounded and I know that will help when I get there… but I still feel like I need to do more dieta before I go and do solo work. I’m still up in the air about the dieta portion… I want to start of with mapacho. There’s a master mapacho shaman who I’m very interested in learning from. The only reason why I’m hesitant to go with him is because of the outrageous prices he charges. If I didn’t worry about the price then I wouldn’t hesitate. I want to get a better relationship with mapacho. I found how extremely beneficial it’s been in ceremony space and if I diet it seriously I know it will be beneficial for me. So Let’s just say it now… I’m going to be doing a full diet of mapacho with him. I don’t know what that entails but I prefer not to go in rushing it. He also uses others master plants and that’s what I’m hoping for are other plants for grounding. I’ve been feeling around to other shamans as well, but really I know that he’s the one that’s intersting me the most. I don’t even think he uses Aya… and there’s nothing wrong with that. Whatever the structure is to dive deeper into mapacho is what I’m looking for. So… I guess I’ll be starting out in Iquitos. I haven’t been in Iquitos for four years now. I have many connections there that I would like to go visit. Now I”m not trying to map it all out completely but I’m trying to narrow it down a little more. I know I want to be open to spontaneous decisions when the Universe wants to introduce someone or something or a location or an experience for me… so I realize that. I know I have options of two other shamans that I might be doing dieta with as well… I know how important dieta is for me and my growth in holding ceremony… so I’ll do as much dieta as necessary before I go into the solo session of placing my intention into Aya. There’s so many people from Pucallpa that get a hold of me. Lol… it’s almost exhausting to tell each one that I’m returning but I don’t know when. There’s things I have to do in the US right now. I think they’ve had so many people in and out of the jungle… with many that don’t return that they might be afraid I’m gong to do the same thing. Yeah it’s tricky to communicated the expectations they have of me. I want to help as much as I can but it’s definitely not in the way they think it’s going to be. I had to tell a good friend of mine a little more about why I am going there to participate in Aya. She’s not really understanding how seriously I take it and she’s gotten a hold of me three to four times for money since I’ve been gone. I told her this last time that I’d appreciate it if she’s stops asking me. When I’m with her and her family I give as much as I can but right now money isn’t what I can offer her. If she wants advice in anything… then I can help with that. Even just chatting about what’s going on with her and her kiddos would be great. Right it’s gotten to the point that’s the only time she reaches out is to ask for money. Lol… I was talking to another friend and we were getting lost in translation as well. She is an amazing artist and so is her daughter. They sent pictures of some of their embroidery and Aya pipes they’ve made. I saw the Aya pipes and said I had bought one off of their parents and I had trouble using them. I asked her if they are just for decoration or to be used. I couldn’t get her. To answer the question… hehe… I was hoping to see if she can find a way to have them usable because I would get one if they could be used. But there’s like a varnish they put on the outide of the vine that smokes up when I go to light up the pipe… and someone said it’s really just for decoration. I couldn’t get her to say if it was or not. I don’t think she’s ever used the pipe to smoke out of. I think she was trying to say she wants to have an online site that would be called the Tara’s factory… smh… I don’t want that type of website… lol… they think they want to work with me, but they don’t understand how picky I can be. Lol… I’d be pushing them to make their own art through their own experiences… she’s on of the women I’ve been trying to get her into ceremony at least to be present in that space. I’d love to help them out, but again it’s not how they think. I’m also in this for the long haul so it’s not like I’m trying to rush into anything with them. However long it takes, it will take. that’s another thing that I need to look at… I know I feel a little bit of a rush to get these things going because of one of my messages… “He will follow”. Lol… He… he… he… he… I cannot wait to see him. And I know I want to get this all going because it will get me closer to seeing him again. That’s the thing in my first messages I was looking for him and he wasn’t there… so I don’t think he’s going to be actually there in the mountains with us… I hope he is, but I don’t think he’ll at least start in the mountains with us. But He is a big influence on me. But we’re not attracted to each other right now for a reason. We aren’t ready and me wanting to rush this process won’t be of any help either. So I had a vision of this number four… it was all kinds of random fours rotating… and I didn’t know exactly what it meant… and I still dont but what went through my mind is that it’ll take four years to get this going. In my mind I was hoping it will take four years to get to the mountains… shit hopefully it’s not going to take four years to get back to the jungle… lol… damn I don’t think that will be the case. But shit it might be four years in the jungle.. I have no clue.. hehe… but I know it won’t matter how long it will take I’m not giving up. But I don’t think I”m ready to start a thread though either right now… I’ve got many strings I”m involved with here that I’m just going to keep adding them if I post a thread on here. I just thought maybe I can direct some threads a little differently than what I’ve seen the topics are right now… but maybe I’m not the one to do that… hehe… this is good enough for tonight I think… it’s raining again and I might take another walk out in the rain… it was really windy earlier but I think it’s calmed down now. I’ll go check it out.

Alright… Today I was messaging a friend I’m getting to know more who is interested in ceremony. I’ve been speaking to him for awhile and I’m really wanting to get into deeper conversations with him but there’s a distance right now because I believe his wife is not comfortable with us being together… you know what I mean. I’ve tried to suggest that we all three sit down together and talk, but that hasn’t been addressed. So I’m not pushing it. So this friend decided that maybe I should work with his brother as his way of getting his wife to see where we are going with all this. So I’ve been working with his brother. I enjoy both of them and the whole family actually. The friend with his wife they have six children and I’ve been over to their place three times now and had time to spend with them. The first time one of the younger daughter’s got me on their wrestling mat to do some stretching.. hehe it was awesome and they were just very curious and sweet. The last time I went I played darts with the girls, they aimed and fired water balloons at me but I ran away when they tried to dump the entire cooler, and then ended up playing a game of 21 with the boys. I was exhausted yet energized… I absolutely love it. His brother has two boys who around town and I’ve been trying to get to know them a bit more when I get the chance. So yes their sense of family is very inviting for me. And I can’t help myself… I’m looking generations deep in consciousness so I’m trying to create a bit of an impression on the kids too… with all the kids I met I think the range in ages goes from probably eleven to twenty-two-ish. I mean i met their mother and we enjoy talking, and today I met the grandmother. So generational goes in as many ways as I can. So we briefly saw each other yesterday when we were finishing talking to the Mormon missionaries. He was briefly trying to discuss about what he heard about a woman connecting bible verses with the physical body. Today he ended up sending me one of her videos. So I’m going to be completely honest… I rarely ever watch a video that someone sends me. Usually there is no context to why they are sending it to me. They usually don’t have any commentary about why they are sending it to me either. Just a random video. If someone continues to send videos without talking… normally I’ll ask them to not continue. Most of the time that works… hehe… unless she’s in her 70s and forgets I’ve told her about uhhh… five to six times now… hehe. But I’m ok with it, but I still don’t watch them. But in this case… I’m trying to figure out how to catch a way to bond with him. I understand now that I’m trying to find a language to be able to relate and for a better understanding of where we can connect. So he sends the video and I say thank you. We continue the conversation but it’s a little rough. I’m not saying I’m interpreting this correctly but it seems the group of men that I’m working with whom also hangout together often enough. There seems to be an undertone of out impressing each other…. And not in an overly obvious way, but the subtleties aren’t so subtle either. Plus there are varying degrees of feeling like a visitor in their close circle. So I feel this when I have conversations with them… not all the time but there are moments. That’s actually why I like to hangout with people several times because the first time the best face is usually placed and wants to be perceived in the manner that will be acceptable to whom they think I am. After time they start to take off that best face and they just become themselves and especially when they get a better idea where I’m coming from as well. Right, I happen to hear and see things that they think aren’t being observed. I’m not making it obvious that I’m observing them. For the most part people underestimate me and I don’t mind that because I can observe more because of that. There’s a group persona but then each one has their own persona… and I’m trying to figure out how to connect with him. So ideally I want to have deeper conversations with him. So why was it a bit rough? What I can assume is he thinks he has a video that he found some Truth in that is interesting. When he found this video and watched it, he assumed he understood what he was listening to. Which in a way he did, and in another he could’ve interpreted completely different. He’s tried to talk about this woman and her video to me at least two times if not more, but it’s a struggle to understand. He’s struggling to remember the vocabulary she was using. But again… he finds it as a source of Truth and so he thinks I will want to listen to it as well. (I wanted to take a break. I heard the thunder and so I figured it would start raining soon. I got dressed and took a walk around the park and back. It was perfect… it was mostly a mist. It kicked up a little midway. Three quarters it stopped, but then the last two blocks it was coming down hard enough to get my hair wet… perfect! Just what I was hoping for… ok let’s get back to it) So I told him I’m sure I’ll find some Truth in her video but I’d like to hear her words to describe what I think she had in the title Super Consciousness Awakening. I mentioned something similar to what I first mentioned that I”m not really into watching videos sent to me, but I’m trying to get to know him better so I’ll listen to a video he finds interesting. Maybe that will help me out… when in reality I know if we just take time to spend together… we’d get to know each other. Earlier I was writing in this Journal so I mentioned I won’t know when I’ll watch it. I also said I’d prefer to learn from engagements with him. I guess I didn’t know how to tell him that direct experience is the way to learn the best for myself. If I had this women in person so I can talk to her and ask questions and we go back and forth with each other. That’s where I can find some more benefits. But instead I’m listening and trying to interpret a topic I don’t understand in more than a general sense. And then he has his own interpretation of her words… and then I guess we give our opinion about our interpretations. I don’t know… I didn’t even make it half way through the video. But I guess the last part is supposed to be good, he said. So I’ll try to pick it up near the end. Again it’s just a language I’m not familiar in and it’s interesting what she was saying but I’d prefer to attract the visionary scientist I will be working with who I can engage with directly. When that time comes I’ll be ready to wrap my time and attention into it. Right now… not so much. Again I’d prefer to just talk to him about his own experiences instead of other’s words of their experiences. If we talk about our own experiences it’s much more natural and also more clarity. If someone has questions to clarify what you’re trying to say… it will be easier for us to think about another way to respond. When we’re talking about someone else or something we haven’t experienced it’s all speculation and no clarification. Anyway I thought maybe i can send him one of Leo’s videos so he can see my style of videos I enjoy listening to. At first I was going to send him the link “The Advanced Explanation of God-Realization.” I was watching the video to see if that’s really what I wanted to send him. And there was good stuff but then we got to the solipsism part and I thought there would be another one to choose from. Now I’ve always had struggled with solipsism in the way I thought I was interpreting him in his explanations. i was open to it and I of course experience solipsism but the no other consciousness. I remembered he had one last year that might be better, “A New Kind of Awakening, Infinity of Gods.” He had posted this last year in May and this would be the time I’m trying to get out of Peru and didn’t know exactly where to go… at that time I thought I needed an ashram… hehe. But in June I went to Colorado for three months before heading to my dad’s place which became my ashram. So I kind of knew I watched it but I didn’t remember it. I was so frazzled that I couldn’t remember what I heard, but I just got finished watching it and decided to Journal some more. Because this is what I was leaning towards from the beginning of my Aya experiences. Lol… in the God-Realization Leo goes on a bit of a rant on Aya entities and snakes and whatever… I totally agree with this! When it comes to artist and the level of consciousness of the people telling their experiences is portraying Aya far less than its capabilities. Mostly I’ve been starting to talk to the artist I’ve ran into. They are beautiful artists and many of their images are about beautiful animals in the jungle as if that’s what the visions are all about. I’ve found out many of the artist haven’t even drank Aya. They know people will buy this style of art and that’s a popular tourist destination item to purchase. There’s a younger artist I’m talking to who says he drinks, but he doesn’t ever really give me details or elaborate. Which honestly I don’t think he has but is afraid to admit it. I told him it’s so powerful that I cannot stop thinking about it. I also told him all the different imagery I have in my visions when I have them… which most of the time is not the case. I also told him how much my art has changed since participating with Aya. I have a feeling that once these artist actually gain a relationship with Aya they can start to transform the artwork to their personal visions which will show the real diversity that occurs in Aya. I’ve mentioned the women in the villages I know who I”m trying to get to drink in ceremony too… they do designs without understanding why they do the designs. So yes art gives the general public not familiar with Aya a very narrow avenue of the possibilities. Im getting a better understanding on infinite possibilities. But I’ve been able to telepathically connect to five shamans… thats a way of communication during ceremony especially working with guests… I’ve had experiences with this with guests in the space and outside the space as well… yeah we’ve always been getting these connections so it’s been hard for me to understand Leo’s style of expressing solipsism… now I feel like it’s going to evolve with the more experience I gain and really I don’t know if telepathy is an accurate word for it. I’m not hearing someone else’s voice speaking into my head. But I do seem to feel the difference between two people. But there’s time I reach out to specific people to see if they can connect or communicate… sometimes I send my energy out to see whoever can understand. I did this a lot in the dieta… I felt myself asking the people who are ready to work with me to attract each other. I asked them if they’re ready… I told them I’m ready and looking forward to meeting them. I’m calling in my divine lover as well. Lol… that’s the game I keep trying to explain to people. When I listened to this video when I was relaxed and able to focus… I was like yes.. this is how I see it too. The game that we are human so I have to talk to you like a human. And hoping to find a way to get that human to trust me to help them become something nonhuman and universal… but able to go back and forth. It’s been hard for me lately to humor people when they’re bashing on existence. And I’m getting more comfortable of not wanting to humor them anymore. But we’ll see… playing the human game is fun and dramatic… so we’ll see how it goes.