withinUverse

Ok… I’m ready to explore what I’ve been thinking on my sexual healing at this time. I’ve been trying to go to sleep but my thoughts kept on going and finally I got up and smoked and wanted to go ahead and write out my feelings. I can get impulsive at times and I know patience is such a key attribute that I’ve been working on so I’ve been able to work things out a bit more in my mind. When I knew it’s time for me to address this automatically I thought this was going to be a lesson for the community that I’m involved with at the time, but I don’t think that’s the case anymore. Who knows where this is leading but after some more thought… this isn’t what I actually want. I originally thought that if I work on this in a public manner as in being an adult entertainer it will keep me from actually getting too close to anyone. I know there’s plenty of people here that would like to share that kind of activity with me, but I had to really ask if that’s what I want? I again have been practicing celibacy for over six years and so when I thought about having these activities back into my life… I got excited… I’m always wanting to learn more in this area… well all areas hehe… but I feel like this has been a huge struggle for me. I’ve mentioned that many of my ideas aren’t always direct messages… there more like cryptic codes I’m trying to decipher and many times I have to just put it on the back burner and wait until I can address them with more experience to address it from a different angle. And so I should already be understanding that my first instinct isn’t really the solution off the back… it might be something I’m working towards… but there might be a more appropriate approach that I’m actually ready for. So if anyone has been reading this Journal I’ve been writing… there’s been a heavy presence of a certain gentleman who has been in my ceremonies… it’s so strong that it’s hard to deny and I’m to the point that I cannot deny it from myself, from him, but to anyone else. I’ve been in a 13 year relationship but after the separation I had a period of polyamorous… in fact because I started having ceremonies consistently about him… I thought I was going to go back to being monogamous. But because we do not live in the same country… I mean we barely share the same day we’re on opposite sides of the globe… I’ve chosen the celibacy path. And holy shit I cannot say how much I’ve appreciated all the benefits I’ve been able to gain by doing so… but just like I’ve been learning with everything… most of the time this is for a period of time… continue the path until something better arises and replaces this. And I’ll have to continue to remember… that this too has the possibility to pass and so not be attached because if it no longer benefits and something else arises… I’ll be flexible enough to be ok to make those changes. I think I’m preparing myself for an alternative to celibacy completely. Because I was in this phase for six years.. it’s hard to explain how time goes by in my life… but it really does seem like a lifetime ago when I was a lover… in person… flesh and blood… I have been literally trying to avoid any type of intimacy in a sexual manner… I’ve mentioned that I thought not even taking care of my physical appearance would help keep guys away from me and not want to see me as a sexual partner. I know now that isn’t what I want.. I enjoy being attractive and I’m attractive more than my physicality… I just learned to state my boundaries clearly and and also be more upfront of who I am and what I’m trying to create in life… and many times this interests guys but also scares the shit out of them… hehe… so why do I think I’m needing to look at my sexual healing now? Because I feel like I’m starting from step one on the romance scale again… I’m so nervous to be this way and I really thought that I was just going to wait until finally this certain gentleman and I would reconnect… but it seems like… in my mind… that I need to start practicing again. What does it feel like to be a romantic partner? To be honest I don’t know if I’m really ready to have intercourse… just because I’m horny doesn’t mean I want a penis to penetrate my vagina… I’m much more missing touching. I’ve realized how much I haven’t had that in my life and how much I miss this. I haven’t been touching much even though it’s platonic but an intimate touch… that hasn‘t been happening… and I’d like to have more of that in my life. I want to start becoming a lover again. I’ve been traveling around and meeting amazing men and women wherever I go.. but there seems to be four guys that has this intriguing attraction that makes me uncomfortable… and I just don’t know why I have to make it so difficult. It’s perfectly fine to be romantically attracted to these men even though they are not that certain man. Ive gotten so many messages about this certain man, but that’s not excluding other messages that involves men that is not him. And yes they’ve been on a sexual tone… and in ceremony… I”m all about it but when I get back to my regulated consciousness… I talk myself out of it and remind myself that I want to be monogamous.now… and I continue to get the message that its worth the wait… but I think I’m misinterpreting that message… I don’t think its to completely deprive myself from sexual contact until we return together… which is what I was doing. I mean… it doesn’t bother me at all thinking and knowing he’s been dating other woman. I mean… it doesn’t stop me from my desire for him and my curiosities… but I also feel like whatever he has to go through before we return together is exactly what needs to happen. So why can I not be able to apply that to myself? Well I guess that blockage has opened up because there are a few amazing men that I’m attracted to. One does happen to live in this little village in the mountains. He’s attractive in many ways… creatively, spiritually, physically, and his curiosity and drive… he hasn’t been a part of this community long but everyone… I mean everyone respects him and looks up to him. He’s an amazing man! Secretly when I was making up this event I was waiting for the chance to get to play with him… but also make it seem like it wasn’t going to be a big deal because we’re going to be open to playing with any or all guests… but honestly… he’s the only one I’d really be interested in playing with. So I guess more honestly is that I would be curious to see how everyone approaches adult entertainment… but again there’s so much more I feel like we can benefit one another far more than sexual entertainment. There is a kicker though… he’s not single anymore… so that’s a thing… I hear they’re pretty open in their relationship but I really don’t know if that’s true or what that actually means. I was supposed to meet up with him today to have lunch but it didn’t work out.. which is great because I got more time to think through what’s going on with me… and so we are trying to reschedule it for Friday. So we’ll see how it goes. But he’s got a brilliant creative mind… he use to sing and act for Broadway… that’s how he found this little town through the connection to the theater here. And for some reason he decided to stay. But we’ve shared ceremonies together and he does so well in them… he’s very powerful and its so satisfying to see such a strength and comfort in a ceremonial setting. It’s like how I feel when I’m in ceremony. I didn’t return last summer so I haven’t seen him for a while but he’ went to an Aya retreat while I was gone… around the Spring time… and I’m so damn curious to see how it went for him. I wonder if he felt like he was home in that setting as well? I’d love to hear his thoughts and messages. He’s very communicative which is a huge turn on… and I’d like to tell him more about what’s been going on in my head. So this leads me to this path that I’m on… traveling to Hawaii, Japan, Mongolia, possibly Taiwan, Vietnam, and Cambodia, to Nepal, Tanzania, and back to Peru… with who knows where in between… I cannot get my visions out of my head… but as I was thinking this out I had the idea that many of these locations in my head seem to have more of a conservative culture when it comes to spiritually and that maybe it would be best to have a man traveling with me at times instead of being by myself. I started thinking of these select four gentleman that I have an attraction towards and I thought… why don’t I ask them to come along? I figured most of them cannot take off two years of their lives to travel all these destinations with me… but maybe they can take off a few weeks to months? I’m going to need all the help I can get creating a documentary about this initial vision quest I’m on… but I definitely see them coming to the Aya ceremonies I’m going to be hosting when I return and after my dietas. And they’re definitely on the list of the ones I’d like to select to come and share in the spiritual expedition in the Himalayas. I’d like to participate in spiritual learning that I’m interested in but I’d also like to see what they’d like to continue their learning based upon the location they come to visit… I know if I expand my learning to their interests it will only benefit me… this isn’t a solo journey. I have a feeling which hasn’t been confirmed because I haven’t really talked about this to any of them yet… but I have a feeling they have this mutual attraction that I feel for them. And I’d like it to be professional as in I’d like for them to gain so many benefits out our time together, but I also would like to see if they’d like to be a companion for me too. I mean… we already enjoy one another’s company… but maybe instead of me having my wall up to keep them out… maybe I can put my wall down for them and just see how much we can enjoy each other’s company. Geesh my buddy from Sweden who came to the US for the first time… only when he was leaving was I being more affectionate with him and hugging him… it has been such a long time and I just felt so uncomfortable not because he was making me feel that way… it’s because I was making it difficult for myself to enjoy myself. Why the hell am I doing this? This does not seem like a healthy behavior to have… and I don’t know the answer to correct this.. but I need to start doing something different than what I’m doing right now because what I”m doing right now is not working properly. It worked for awhile but blindly sticking to it is not going to continue to work… I already see how it’s not. So why do I still feel hesitant about this idea? The word selfish is ringing in my head. Am I just being selfish? Am I really wanting this all for myself? No… of course I”m going to gain benefits from sharing this with them… Again it will have to be mutual and consensual but again… there’s more to the story. We’ll all be learning from this. I’ve got to admit when I’m about to share ceremony with someone I have a hesitation because I know sexual messages come up and in my head I”m hoping it doesn’t because I don’t know how it will go. I’ve had to tell many people that I don’t want to share a sexual experience with them… and a few times I’ve kissed a few just because I feel bad and I also know it’s teaching me to better teach anyone I share with. And it doesn’t mean I have to kiss everyone… I can literally just talk about these things… hehe… but I know sharing ceremony is going to be a big part of my future…and I want to be the healthiest I can be when I share them… and I’m ready to be healthier sexually. Even though sexually healing is what I”m focusing my discussion tonight about but there’s so much more that’s going to be gained. Three of the four I feel like I”m ready to address… I know them personally and I’ve spent time building a relationship with them. The fourth one… not so much… he’s something similar to that certain one I’ve been talking about all the time. At one point I thought he would be untouchable… so impossible that I’d even be noticed from all he’s dealing with. But for some reason I still have a shred of hope and almost a confidence that eventually…. We’ll meet and find out why there’s been an attraction forming. But again I’m patient and the big fish… they take much more time and effort and patience and strategy… hehe… and if it isn’t meant to be, so be it…. But…. If it is, then everything we do will just allow it to happen in its perfect timing. I feel much better expressing what I did… there’s small details that I didn’t mention but it’s not necessary to share at this time. And this is what I needed to get off my chest for now. Ok then… until next time… good night!

Alright good morning…. I feel like there are things that I’d like to explore a bit more… I cleaned out and moved into the airstream two days ago… it looks like I still need a buffer zone around people. Not only formyself but also for my cat, Elvis. We’ve been staying in a room in the house where there are two housemates and a dog and also my buddy who owns the house. The dog hasn’t really been around cats before and he’s a border collie who was asked to leave the farm because he wasn’t helping herd the farm animals… he was actually scarring them. He’s super cute but yes you can see the bit of the aggressive side… I’m not sure it’s even aggression in a way but it’s more the pushiness or adamant he gets. So Elvis and I’ve been here four summers? Time is skewed and it’s hard for me to keep it all straight and really it doesn’t make a difference… hehe… at least right now. But this might just be our third summer at this location. Regardless… he feels comfortable here and normally we have dogs here but everyone just lets one another have it’s own space and he can still roam around the house and even go in and out of the house. We’ll that wasn’t the case this time. The fire ban was set in place last week and so my buddy pulled his airstream back from the campsite onto his property. I started to think that maybe it will be best if we just move out there so I don’t have to keep Elvis shut up in the room and it will allow him opportunities to go in and out… spend some time outside… he especially loves the mornings because there’s not much human activity going on outside so he can explore a bit. He seems to be super happy… and I’m happy as well having our own space. So… this is just warming me up a bit.. because this isn’t what I wanted to address… but it is helping me clear out my energy and allowing space for me to think about what’s happening with me right now. So… it looks like i’m working on sexual healing within myself right now. Anytime I get this guidance to address… I get nervous… but I also get excited… so how did this even come about? So I’ve been working a construction job with my old boss buddy and it’s been pretty rainy for a couple of weeks. There was one day that I just kept on working and it was muddy. My boss wasn’t wanting to get all dirty and said that I didn’t have to keep working. I told him that I didn’t mind getting muddy… in fact I should have been a mud wrestler because I love the mud. And I do… hehe… he said so if I make a mud pit you’ll let him rub all over me… i chuckled and said yeah in a way, but this mud here is super rocky so I would prefer just mud and I’d have to see if I can find any girls who would like to join me in the mud… wrestling maybe but more like dancing. So these words… are what triggered me into a consuming mind warp for like a week. Well… it was also a combination of looking a someone’s particular story posts… he had been posting quite a bit and one of the posts was a beautiful natural scene that had a large river and waterfalls and three beautiful naked women bathing in it. I started to chuckle because I was like finally… he’s interested in naked woman again…hehe… there was a long period of time that I was questioning how his connection to communities who were female bashing was going to hinder his ability to find a lover? I started thinking of planning an event that would have kink mixed into it. And more of his posts started showing party scenes with beautiful men and women engaging in flirtation and sexual tones… so the mind warp consumption kickstarted. I started thinking… ok… am I going to be doing adult entertainment here? I’ve been slowly building a reputation here… and mostly one of the few who do not engage in alcohol or weed… they’re all getting the idea of how serious I take my spirituality… but many continue to assume that this also leads to a stale lifestyle… but they follow my travels and also of course once the music is playing I allow my body to express itself and I have to admit that it excites both genders… and it’s not because it’s overly sexually abrasive… but it’s more in the way how confident I am in my own skin and yes I like to move in seductive ways at times… but also how well I move with my dance partners… I love to compliment… and it all combines for people to notice and are attracted to this. In my mind… it was immediate and obvious that people were attracted to me when they first met me… but I wanted them to see more than just my appearance… just like I was talking to my buddy I’m living with… it’s taken over five years for even him to see me more than a pretty face. I think i was exaggerating a bit, but it was to make a point. It’s been challenging for people to take me seriously or want to get to know who I am deeper than looks… when someone works with me, they definitely get a different perspective but that’s also seems to be a label I’ve been wearing that I didn’t intend… is being serious. I take my life seriously because there were states of consciousness that I wanted to obtain and become so it took me to be serious about it to be able to achieve it… but I love to be playful as well… but its not coming as easy as it once was. And most people who want to be playful around me it steers towards the sexual… and damn it I’m just like another pervert too.. but it’s not as fun for me when it’s taken so literally… it can’t just be shooting the shit with a buddy… If i start to make fun comments it’s as if I have to be stating what I’m going to be doing with the people I’m speaking with or something… I hope that makes sense. But anyway… sexuality is all over the place here… it’s always been here and so I thought maybe it’s time I can give some adult entertainment to this community. I remember how much fun I had when I was briefly doing some exotic dancing for a few months a few years back… I thought well… I enjoyed expressing myself sexually while also giving pleasure to the people I was with. I thought maybe I can do this here as well. In fact there has been a few deaths… more people getting sick and having to move to a lower altitude… I feel like I might not be returning here for a few more years once I leave… so I thought… geesh there might be many of in this community that I might not get a chance to see again. I usually run into them and get time to share together… but maybe what they can benefit from is having some sexually infused experience… many are single and let them remember the good ole days… days when they were young and full of virility. I mean even if they’re not single and happily married… again allowing them to share in some fun where its possible to set up a setting for them to let loose… and again I know I’d enjoy myself because I love to give people pleasure. So here I am thinking about this event… and I have my buddy who I’m talking to about this and both of us are on the perverted side… I’m not sure if i am… it’s not like I think about this all the time… but when I do get into this mindset… both of us found it challenging trying to focus on anything else… lol… we were trying to figure out a location, the entertainers, the guest list… games and entertainment… when I was thinking about the schedule of events I could only think of sexual activities… and I started to notice that I couldn’t get my head out of the gutter… I knew of people who would be down for this event… but I also wanted to invite everyone… people who are more shy and some more on the conservative side… I wanted this to not be so taboo… but then I was like how can I make it a great event with creativity and talent that is being showcased in the next generation to our established generation… have an event where it was full of theater, music, comedy which is readily available here and then sprinkle in the kink so it doesn’t frighten anyone. I thought about having three acts…and so it can lead to a build up of kink where it can be poured on by the third act… and everyone could have a window for them to leave if where it was leading was going to make them uncomfortable.. but if I could get them there in the first place and treated everyone with respect and professionalism that just maybe they would be so curious enough that they’d just stick around to observe to be curious enough to see how things go down. I was thinking that the entertainers would give the guests a menu to choose from… we’d have appeteasers where it would be a small adult entertainment open to the guests for a short period of time and can limit the amount per guest and also state the boundaries and preferences the entertainers have… to have a diverse group to show that it’s healthy for everyone to have their own ideas of what is sexually appealing. The entertainers would also have the “main dishes” to offer to the guests… but these would be bigger items that would be auctioned off. The guests would bid against one another to get the opportunity for the special adult entertainment…. I thought a few would be on the private side but then half of them would be public… I wanted plenty of opportunities for people to learn. I mean that’s really why I would love to do this… because I know how much I”d be learning from this experience…. From setting and planning… to recruiting… to hiring staff… properly managing the events and activities as I also attend the guests with top notch service…and to listen to my own conversations throughout the entire time. I mean… for me this would be awesome. But I also am part of this community who isn’t here full time. I’m here and there but not committed here like many are. So when I started to talk to people specifically the ladies… they have been much more hesitant to be involved as an entertainer because they aren’t certain how people would treat them after the party… so they were more interested in being a part of the supportive staff… they think it sounds like fun and they’d like to be there… but to be part of the adult entertainment… that was a bit too much to ask for. The guys I have spoken with seem much more ready to jump all in and participate… I’ve had to emphasize this would be a professional event and that we can have an after party once the guests have been given the time of their lives. I mean I was writing out a contract for everyone who is involved was going to sign as the RSVP to the event. I wanted to address consent, privacy, anti-harassment, adult entertainment, release of liability, and property damage liability… it sounds like a lot for an event but I figured if everyone knew these ground rules it would actually allow more freedom to be expressed. There’s a lot to this… but I’m still feeling like I’m avoiding what I’m really trying to explore right now. I also started to get on the political side of the subliminal messages I was trying to also say… this underlying ideologies of the established generation which has been conditioning and setup the ground work to the following generations. There are some great things that have been established… however honestly there’s a lot of toxicity as well. I’ll just briefly mention some keywords that pop into mind without going into detail at this time… exhaustive work, no rest, play hard… alcohol(ism)… visitor’s monetary gains is far more important than building a foundation for hopeful locals in the next generation to establish themselves… limiting housing… limited groceries…. A split in political participation… ok that’s good enough for now. But anyway… I mentioned just a little bit to a woman who is a housemate… she’s only a few years younger than I am but she’s been building her reputation here as well since childhood. I tried to address this a little and she actually got offended and said she knew people who would be as well. She said that not everything I was reading was offensive, but there were specific topics that I stated which are a sore spot. Everyone knows its an issue and the party sounds fun but once you start to mention things that is on people’s mind in a negative way… because they’re not sure how to turn it around… mentioning this is going to turn everyone off from wanting to go and have fun if it seems like it’s going to be another political event. I thought I had addressed that we aren’t going to be preaching or having any formal discussions… I was trying to present an experience that is unforgettable by the next generation who is going to be taking the ropes… creative brilliance everywhere, but of course because I feel like it’s taken a while to be seen… that I feel the established generation might be a bit blind to the actual creative brilliance here. I was hoping to see if we could get networking and funding to help support the next generation of hopeful locals… Here most of the homes are Airbnbs… people have lovely homes but are only here in the summers and rent it out to visitors… this town hasn’t allowed corporate food chains to come in and place a shop in town… however corporations are coming in and buying up the land and housing… so it is getting more and more difficult for the people who work at any establishments to find a location to live. Three are getting to be fewer and fewer locals who stay to rent out their rooms for workers… hotels allow you to stay during the winter affordable.. but once summer comes everyone has to figure out arrangements for five months before they can return.. most will just camp out. She was wondering who I was warrioring for? And it got me thinking… yes not everyone here has been in a similar situation… and yes I’ve met many who have… but is this something to address? I mean… my buddy here is trying to sell his house… once he does, I don’t see myself returning to this town… I mean Iguess once I’ve established myself financially that I could return, but do I really want to come back to support a town that doesn’t really prioritize the working community? It’s so strange because many of the established generation are super hard workers… but the way they approach their staff… of course not all of them but many are cutthroat. Ok… I feel like I’m veering off course again. Hmmm… maybe because I’m not really ready to address what I thought I was going to address this morning. We’ve got a parade today… so I think I’m just going to go into the hot tub and relax, bathe, and get ready to watch the parade… Let’s see if next time I’m better ready to dive deeper into my sexual healing

Ok…. So I’m back in Colorado… in the small mountain town I’ve been visiting for the past six years minus last year when I stayed in Indiana. So how did this happen… signs… yes I receive signs and I cannot help but get moved by them. It’s very interesting how these signs speak to me. Because I was getting signs on staying there in the Temple and then all of a sudden… it was time to move on. It only took me a week to get things together and head out. Without going into crazy detail I’ll just say the main sign that got me moving I read on IG… I find him… I’ll find you. #osprey #Iseeeverythingyoudoandyousee #shellybeachsunshinecoast #caloundra which was posted on July 20th and I was getting dropped off in Colorado in a couchsurfer’s spot on the 28th. I found a very sweet spot by the river and the host was an interesting character. It was just an interesting time… hehe… so there was supposed to be a festival going on. My friend who drove me took me to the festival so we can do an exchange I guess. We listened to some music and chatted for about an hour but the host was no where to be found and wasn’t responding anymore to the texts we were sending. Reading the other messages you could kind of tell the host started engaging in substances… i assumed alcohol and I was mostly right. But anyway my friend didn’t feel comfortable leaving me at the festival alone so he dropped me off at the spot where the host lived. It was a gorgeous spot next to the river so I didn’t mind at all. The host lives with his father and they have a third home for airbnb guests. But the backyard was ver enchanting and I loved hanging out there. The host came back pretty late and he was pretty lit up… but we ended up having a great conversation. I was really looking forward to hanging out with him more the next morning. But it was like a light switched turned off. So it was night and day the following morning. The host and his dad were doing some remodeling to the airbnb house and I thought I’d be able to give them a helping hand. But he didn’t want any help but he said if I wanted to mow the lawn that would be really helpful. So I did… I mowed and weed-eated the backyard and I really enjoyed myself. He wasn’t being overly rude or anything but finally he admitted that he was concerned that my cat was going to injure his pet bird in the bird cage. I was telling him that he doesn’t have to worry… I don’t even think my cat knows the bird exists… he’s trying to understand this new space himself. But he asked me to go ahead and leave the next day because of his anxiety. I totally understood… and booked my train ticket for the next morning. During the night he said that I was being very sweet and patient with him… he sees that my cat wasn’t going to do anything but it was going to make him feel better to not have to think about all the things that could’ve happened. I just said I wish he would have communicated his concerns before I arrived because I let him know up front that I’m traveling with my cat. He said that he hoped he wouldn’t wig out about it… but he did anyway. But Elvis and I took the Zephyr tot he mountain town for our first time. It was running along the Colorado River and it was really comfortable trip with great views. My buddy picked me up from the station, went to the grocery store, and headed to his place. I was so excited to cook in his large kitchen. It was interesting how it felt like it was forever since I’ve been able to cook. But taking my time cutting up the ingredients and touching the food… cooking it in the pan with the fire… it was just really nice to be back in this opportunity again. I made myself a veggie specifically mushroom omelette and was a very happy girl… things I was craving was the eggs, mushrooms, onions, and garlic that I had eaten rarely in the eight months at the temple. I added more veggies but these ingredients were a must for me as the first thing I wanted to cook and enjoy and savor. I’ve been here for 16 days now… and I have to continue to remind myself to slow down while I”m here… I’m on the go, go, go… and this location has such a remarkable beauty and energy that unfortunately can be easily taken for granted while I’m here. I’m use to working and the more I come the more I limit my time working. But literally tomorrow will by two weeks into working a construction job with my old boss buddy. I didn’t want to deal with the public right now and I like to problem solve and this boss buddy of mine is like the most ultimate problem solver because all of his jobs are the jobs no one else wants to take on… and no matter what he’ll figure it out… even though he’s frustrated the entire time. The first week I already told him that I’m going to just work until lunch for this week. And damn… it’s been kicking my ass. I love it but my body is just not ready for all of this… we’ve been building stone retaining walls, redirect the water drainage system… crawling under the crawl spaces to dig footer holes 30 inches down in the Rockies… so yes there’s rocks everywhere… one of the holes I just dug a second large hole to roll a 200 pound rock into it so I could get the footer hole where it needed to be and just bury the big rock again next to where it was… hehe… my buddy boss thought we’d be able to pull it out… but we couldn’t get the chain to stay… so he said what I did was fine… hehe… but we’ve started pouring the footers to half of them… I think we’ll be finishing pouring tomorrow. The previous builders had some pour design decisions which has collapsed the decks and the foundation was failing and the guest house connected to main house was sinking. I was super happy to find an excavator on site.. but when I started looking around with the tight and narrow spot we were in along with the steepness of the mountain we are on… it was much more beneficial to watch my buddy boss do his thing and see what was the capabilities of excavator. I’d love to get a chance to learn, but not in this setting. He’s trying to get the foundation rebuilt by September 5th… so I might be able to get this taken care of with him before then. And then I’ll probably not continue… I like to learn but I just want some extra cash for groceries right now. Plus… working in the mud with the boss buddy got me thinking of trying an event here. I’m not sure how this came really to play.. but I feel like I want to explore or allow my wild side to let loose for awhile. I have been thinking about setting up an exclusive event that will sprinkle a bit of kink into the mix. As I continue to think about this it started to get political and so I’ve already slowed down… and asking myself if this was a squirrel moment… hehe… for some reason I don’t know but I think this might be a good-bye party. It feels like it would be a forever good-bye, but I’m not really sure that’s the case. But I don’t think I’ll be returning for at least a few years. There has been a few deaths that have happened this year in this community.. and there are more and more that seem to be getting sicker and it just seems like it might be the last time I see some. There’s just some weird feelings that I’m having. Because I have been doing some tough labor… I’ve been sleeping most of the time… hehe… I wasn’t expecting to come back here and do this… but I think I need stabilize my energy and see where it leads. This community is a work hard, play hard community… and much of it has been conditioned in us and I’d like to look at it to see actually how healthily this is for future generations and sustainability. The politics here has affected the direction of this community and of course it’s hard not to notice. I wish I could address this… but just saying a little bit to some… they understand… and a few others got offended.. and so I wonder if that’s really something that I should be addressing at this time. It’s a cliche story of have and have nots… many of the locals who are the workers struggle to even find a room to rent let alone establishing a home here. Most of the homes are airbnb… so it’s pretty frustrating when majority of the homes sit empty and we’re trying to find a room to place an air mattress to sleep on. And still have to pay $700/month if we find that… hehe… there’s ton of work and we’re expected to work two to three jobs… where we’ll use all our energy for the owners so of course we’ll be able to pay this… but to what cost and to what extent? Also the older established owners who have lead this direction has all the “correct” ideas… so catering to the visitors instead of the community that has to maintain this place is the “better” way… geesh… I don’t know if I’m going to get into this right now. I at one time thought I could try to establish myself here.. but the system was a bit too toxic and unsustainable… which was fortunate for myself because I’ve been able to see a different life.. but I also see people who would love to stay here and still struggle. What am I really trying to do while I’m here? Is there anything I can really influence here in a larger perspective? Or is it more the individuals here that I can help. I’ve been doing this already… why do I want to make it a larger community thing right now? Do I even have enough time to try to address this? I’m going back to Indiana the first of October because my cousin’s wedding. Yes… there’s more grounding that I need to do right now. I’m not sure how I got so out of wack… For some reason… I feel this month isn’t going to have any resolutions that I’m looking for… I’m curious what September is going to bring. Maybe I can just continue to lay low here. I keep thinking that it’s time for me to go, but I keep finding that slowing down and laying low is much more where I’m supposed to be at this time…. Hehe… alright.. I just wanted to get this out… let’s see where things go from here.

Ok… some interesting shifts are and have been happening around here… mostly there’s a family of three that moved into the guest house with me and Elvis. They are devotees from Seattle and there are moving here pretty much permanently. I guess there was supposed to be an apartment that was going to vacate to allow them to move in… which I don’t see the vacancy happening any time soon hehe… I heard some suggest they don’t have to unpack everything right now because we’ll get them moved into the alternative location. Hehe… smh… ok so there’s not a whole lot of communication that goes on here at property. Usually like for myself… I get the notice that someone is coming to the guest house usually the day of, and sometimes the day before. So there’s no calendar that lets anyone know what’s going on. Which if fine, we just always have to be flexible to shift things at any given moment. Which again is fine… but i could see how things could actually be a bit more organized to help everyone involved. So… this gentleman who is being asked to vacate… is the son of the previous owner of the house… who is still living in the house… Anyway without getting into too much detail… there’s a lot of belongings the son has, plus I think he might have a substance abuse issue which doesn’t allow him to fully want to be as cooperative as one might hope. So there’s a maintenance man whose been here for over ten years who is not a devotee or live on property… but he likes to help to some extent and he’s the one saying not to have to unpack everything… I understand his wishful thinking of having the vacancy sooner than later… but I asked realistically do you think the son will move out before a month’s time? Most likely not… so maybe it won’t be a bad idea for them to start unpacking and figuring out where their belongings are is not a bad thing. Now this family has a lot of belongings. They pulled in with a 26 foot U-Haul truck filled to the top completely… I helped unload their belongings into garage the morning after they arrived. Not only were they moving their home belongings but the mother has an Ayurvedic medicine business and her oldest son has a EBay business… so anywho…many things. We haven’t been able to close the garage door the last two nights because it’s overflowing… hehe… but they also needed some rest. They’d been packing for five days before arriving here… so it looks like today they’re starting to make decisions and unpacking a bit. But this has been interesting to have roommates and I’m curious how it goes. So far I enjoy them… Elvis doesn’t know exactly what to do right now… but I think once it calms down, it’ll be good. There was a few days where the owner wife was not feeling good last week… so I was able to help manage the days when she actually rested which I’m glad she didn’t try to push it and just relax… we are not in life and death situations here… but it went smoothly… I found myself wanting to do many of the projects but instead getting people from one project split them and continue different projects to get things mostly done. Just a few observations that I saw was an elder who’s been helping as long as I’ve been here; he comes on Fridays to volunteer. I had set him on a project to power wash the main deck of the temple. I was in a middle of a tour and he came to let me know that there’s another project that the owner wife wants from us. We had to get three llamas brushed and ready for possible sale. He also said that a devotee inside the temple would love to do the temple tour. I said great… I told the tour that he will be assisting them. We’re finishing up the outside tour and so we’ll get inside and tag-team so the tour can get the temple tour. He wanted to help by saying the three people that would be needed to brush and grab the llamas. I told him that’s not necessary right now. It doesn’t take that many people and I asked him to continue finishing the power washing… He and his partner for the day had gotten half of the area done… so I said by the time you finish the other half your shift is done and go enjoy your lunch. I have just been noticing some quirkiness that happens when people start to think you have some authority now… even though just a hair of some type of authority… there was another devotee who saw I was trying to repair a hose… which I think I already mentioned because the owner wife and I got into our second tiss because she started to raise her voice to me saying that I shouldn’t tell people to go buy things. I said I didn’t tell her to do anything. She decided on her own that she was going to do this. I figured we could always use some more electric tape anyway. We, the wife and I, fixed the hose together… and when the devotee returned she asked her to return the tape and get a refund. And it almost seemed like the devotee was expecting that to happen… as if this was a weird “thing” they do… and that’s the thing the wife said that this devotee likes to use the credit card to buy frivolous items… and that’s what I explained to her… how am I supposed to know your history together…. I didn’t know this… how was I supposed to suggest to her that she shouldn’t go buy tape … it didn’t seem like a big deal and again this devotee has been living here for ten years… who am I to tell her what she can and cannot do… but yes… quirkiness and subtle dramas that’s been developing with the “staff”. I ran into this when I wanted to talk to the maintenance man. So the day before I was helping manage the day shift and the final last hour after the tour I went ahead and wanted to start tackling the thistles that are overtaking a specific area. The wife said that the thistle don’t grow every year but they are going to seed which just creates more to deal with the next year.. so it was just good to go ahead and cut them down and we’ll throw them in the dumpster which for us is a horse trailer so we can take it to the dump to dispose of trash. There was the vegan chef there to help me and so we started looking for tools.. We grabbed the big lawn shears and we were looking for gloves. As we were looking I saw the maintenance man and I figured he’d know where some good pair of gloves might be. He told me and asked me what tools I was going to use to tackle the thistles… I told him I found three big shears…. I hear they’re not the sharpest so I have a file to sharpen them if needed. He said well he just uses a shovel to knock them down and then just stab at the base to break the stems. At first I thought he wanted us to dig the roots and I said she said it wasn’t necessary but then he mentioned the whole stabbing thing. Well I told him I’ll take a shovel to see what works best. So we drove the truck to the area and started… the shovel was not successful.. but again it wasn’t really the proper shovel to use… so I just started using the shears. They weren’t super sharp but if I got the stems near the wedge of the shears I could cut them down… so I just started doing that. I noticed the chef was trying to dig up the roots and I told her that it wasn’t necessary… and I just showed her where I was cutting the stems at. Again the shears are dull and she wasn’t having any success at cutting down any of the stems so we just started the system where I would cut down the stems and she would take the stacks of thistles and load them into the back of the truck. We dropped off two loads off at the dumpster and by that time it was time for her to finish for the day. So I was just going to go back out and continue but she said to wait til tomorrow and she’ll help because it’s really a two person job… so I said ok… I can do that. There’s plenty of projects to work on so for the remaining two hours for my shift I did something else. So the next day I wanted to tackle the thistles… she got called into kitchen duty so I found someone else to help but the work truck wasn’t there… the maintenance man was using it… so again… other projects… fine. The next day we were going to have supposedly two large groups who are going to be volunteers and so I was speaking to the wife of the different projects we can have them do… again one being to tackle the thistles… so I saw the maintenance man while I was taking my lunch and I said I had a question for him. He sat down and said that there’s probably more than one question I have for him… so what are they? I said if I could use the truck tomorrow between 11am to 1pm… he asked why and I said we’re supposed to have a crew here to help and we’d like to continue on the thistles. He said any time I need the truck I just need to ask him because he can use other vehicles… i mean he has his own truck that he drives to property with. I said ok… well normally I don’t need the truck and I know you’re busy and use the truck more often than any of us. But I figured I’d go ahead and make arrangements with you… so we’re on the same page. Well I thought that seemed reasonable… but for him it seemed that he just wanted me to wait until tomorrow and when I needed the truck to just tell him and then we’d get it done. I said ok… that’s fine. But then he started asking about our technique of cutting the thistles… I told him that I took a shovel but it was easier for us to just use the shears. Which again wasn’t what he wanted to hear because that’s not the way he does it. And then he said well… why don’t we just cut down all the thistles and leave them in piles and in a few days he’ll just go with the truck and pick them up. I told him… that it seems better to just go ahead and load them instead of leaving them in a pile… once they’re cut they might want to seed which is what we’re trying to prevent. Which again… this was a long drawn out battle… I just said if we don’t have the truck we can just do other things but if we can have the truck then I’ll have people help out. And I said… we started the thistles… we’d like to get it done.. and then he said yeah… you guys started but you didn’t finish. I said well we had other priorities in the morning so once we got to that project they only had an hour left before their shift ended… so we did what we could and we got a lot done in the hour. He said well why wouldn’t you just finish. I said if that was the only project of the day… it would’ve been but that’s not how it works. I don’t care if it gets done the same day because right now it’s not a priority but we need projects for volunteers to do and this seems like a good one… and the more they can get done, the less we have to do… which seems good in my book. Well… then he continued about using the trailer instead of the truck. I have to mention that he thought of this while he was grilling me… he said why don’t I just hook up the trailer to the truck and load the thistles inside of it? I said that does seem like a good idea… but I don’t have much experience hauling a trailer… yes it’s easy going forwards… but the area we are at I have to back up to make it useful to have the trailer there… plus she already warned us not to get the truck stuck because we’ve been dumping our llama maneuver in this areas so there are soft spots… so I wasn’t even thinking of bringing the trailer… I was walking the land to make sure where it was safe to drive the truck in without getting stuck… adding a trailer to deal with didn’t cross my mind, but again it would be safer and easier for me to just use the truck. It wasn’t hard for us to load the back and then unload into the trailer. Well I ended up finding out that he doesn’t like going into the trailer to unload at the dump and that he would prefer the thistles just stay in the back of the truck. I said well we can do that, but what’s in the trailer now was two truck loads… and we’ve got about three more and so it seems like we can get more done by filling up the trailer. In the middle of our discussion or debate maybe… another devotee was outside doing her flower arrangements and started laughing at us and said to the maintenance man to stop giving me a hard time… I’m just starting to take on more responsibilities. I said that I didn’t ask for these responsibilities… but I figured I’d get things lined up tomorrow to make it easier when the groups show up. I mean… the only thing I wanted was to see if I can get the truck for a few hours… then it became something else… I mean he’s been working here for ten years and all of a sudden using a shovel and a trailer is the best way to do the thistles and we should’ve known that in the first hour of doing this. I spoke to him before we started and he only mentioned the shovel which we tried and it was harder than just using shears… and he hadn’t thought within the ten years of working the land to use the trailer.. but we were supposed to think of it. And we don’t usually drive trailers… so why would be think to do that? But anyway… I told him we appreciate what he does… and I respect his opinions and his time and that’s why I wanted to see if two hours without the truck was going to be a big deal or not… and I guess it’s not? I’m not sure… hehe… but this whole conversation got me thinking about the “staff” that has been on this property for years how they are going to transition when new management comes in to play. So normally the maintenance man and I get along very well… I feel like I’m one of the few that just talks to him without wanting something from him. And I know he prefers to work alone, but I offer my help when I’m available and rarely will he accept my help. But he’s been wrapped up in this drama that happens around here with the “staff”. I remember his opinions about the wife when I first got on property, and I’m glad that I don’t just take people’s opinions as truth… I listen but I have to feel out for myself what’s going on. But anyway there has only been one time in the past six months where he seemed to get upset with me and held a grudge over me… hehe… he didn’t now that I already had a schedule for the day and I was about to take my lunch break and a longer break before returning for another two hours after most of the staff left. He had five helpers already.. and I gave him my helper but he wanted me to come and help…and I said… this isn’t going to be done in five minutes and I’m taking my break right now. I’m sure the six of you guys can take down the inflatable jumping cage thing just fine without me. Again… I didn’t think it was a big deal until he refused to speak to me for a few weeks after this incident. So what I’m actually getting at is… there’s been management that has established it’s core staff and how they relate to each other has been developing and it’s now become their “thing”. I might hear the staff complaining about the bossiness of the wife; however, it seems that they actually prefer it this way. Not just the maintenance man… but many devotee staff again… likes the banter back and forth and look forward to having these little bouts of drama… maybe their life in the bubble needs a bit of excitement so they like this drama from time to time. So how would a new manager approach this? I mean… if I put myself in this position… I wouldn’t promote continuing the drama… I wouldn’t promote bossing everyone around… but the solution wouldn’t be to just start fresh with a new staff would it? It would be really trying to establish communication as the priority to start a new relationship… every one here that has been established as the staff… again likes this drama and they’ve been trying to rope me into gossip about people here… which I just don’t get involved with. I make it short and sweet and pretty much say… this is not my area to talk about… best to talk to the source instead. It’s tricky… of course I can pick out things that I feel could change, but how habitual have these dramatic tendencies been engrained into the mindsets? Taking people’s words not on face value but actually seeing the repetition that continue as their behavior as the truth instead of the words being spoken. Again so many complaints.. but it’s comfortable and even though they might not agree with everything… it’s a system they’ve been able to learn to deal with. So if there were changes… would they just continue to complain because it’s just what they really want to be is unhappy… even if everything was changed to their recommendations.. would that allow them to be happy? Or again… this is something internal for them to work on… of course this is the case. That’s why I have been thinking specifically about this maintenance man. He’s a good old boy and he’s set in his ways… he’s got a lot of experience and knowledge to share… but… could I try convince him to actually work with people so he can share his knowledge? Maybe people might want to keep this knowledge to themselves so they can still have significance in a particular situation? He knows that the owners are near the age of having to pass the reigns to the next generation… is he not seeing this happen in his position as well? He’s one of the few staff members that actually gets paid… what would happen if that was going to be taken away? Would he still care about the property? Would he still be as opinionated about the activities that continues to be done here? He’s got a bit of a hoarder mentality as well and so I know I’d recommend getting rid of the trash… I mean that’s being asked now, but there are still things he stashes away… and it just sits there waiting to be used. I’m all for cross-training.. and I’d love for him to actually work all the different areas that goes on here and so he can see that what he does is important, but there are many important positions that goes on too. I also promote duties that are more of a solitude position, but again balancing it out by doing group projects. He’s been there a long time and it seems like it’s a very similar mindset that I find the wife gets into as well… they’ve been doing the same things over and over again.. that they forget that most people who walk onto property to volunteer is their first time at the property.. they have no clue what they’re getting themselves into. And many of the duties asked of them is their first time… but also we have to figure out how to do these first time projects with janky and limited tools… and then get yelled out for not doing it right… or made to feel insignificant because they don’t now what they’re doing… but they’ve got many odds against them and not a whole lot of opportunity to set them up for success. Yeah it’s been interesting the thoughts that have been going on in my mind lately… but let’s see if we can shift gears real quick. So… I’ve been thinking about this over sharing message that I get, but then I also feel like transparency is important… so finding a balance in this is continuous. So… I’ve been learning that the collective consciousness is strong and so if I choose to share my thoughts on particular subjects to particular groups… the level of the collective can either shift to promote or hinder these thoughts… so I’ve been trying to be more selective on what topics I share. Again it’s challenging because I just want to continue as I do and just allow my tongue to be loosey goosey on the online Journal… but that’s what’s different about my personal journal to an online one who is subject to the collectives interpretations and also the shifts that can happen. Do we realize everything is allowing for everything to exist, right? I think we might have an idea of what I’m saying. Everything that has happened in my life so far has led to this moment. But not just everything I have done.. but everything that anyone has done since the moment of birth… and before the moment of birth… everything had to play out exactly as it did for this moment currently to exist. So let’s just say we are complaining about all the “bad” things that have happened in this reality… all of these bad things had to be played out for anything to exist. Now of course these bad things might have been repetitious enough until we were conscious enough and creative enough to try new courses to adjust or replace these bad things… so again… the bad things had to exist to realize we wanted a change from them… yes? But not just human happenings makes existence exist…. I mean every little thing has to happen just the way it does for this moment to exist. So every plant, insect, animal, microbial activities that has been happening since my birth and prior has allowed this moment for me to exist. I’ve been listening to people to about how insignificant our lives are…and I just don’t have that same understanding. Of course in an existential way we can say it’s insignificant but it’s just the other side of the coin of saying how significant our lives are. But all depends on the development of our consciousness to how we perceive the seeming difference of insignificant to significant… many people just assume what the person is saying without getting any additional information…. And I guess I fall in the same trap as well… assuming most people will need a word that is more positive for them to focus on so I’d like to encourage the significant life…. I mean not only the actions… but the thoughts we have in each moment has to exist for existence to be at all… we are so intertwined… I feel it’s quite significant… what maybe insignificant is that we don’t have to make it happen… it just already happens without our control of it. Many of us our paralyzed by doing the right thing or not… and in a human sense I can understand this.. but in a universal sense… every minute little thing is the right things… the universe doesn’t make mistakes… what seems like a mistake is just looking at a short term existence… but the universe is geared for eternity. Our existence is lining up existence that we’ll not be able to perceive in these bodies… but in my understanding…. It’s the human who thinks there is a wrong or right way of doing things… which again many I know seem to feel like they don’t know how to do anything or try new things…. Hehe… which in reality is the perfect way for them to be at this moment… we are where we are and this is the perfection of reality. So this goes hand in hand with the recent video about the psychology of being wrong. I whole heartedly agree that these are one of the tell tale signs for me to see how much someone has delved deep into their spiritual work… true humbleness because of the many realizations of how mistaken we’ve been and how much mystery continues to build in this reality. This reminds me of conversations I’ve had when people I’m speaking with about ceremonies and visions with Ayahuasca. They already know how passionate I am about this process…it’s pretty evident when I start to communicate… but any who.. what if my visions and guidance is wrong? This does not stop me in anyway from learning. What would stop me from learning is over analyzing and over thinking whether I should trust myself or my visions or my guidance. There has to be a huge capacity to trust in the first place to receive benefits in Aya ceremonies… and again a factor that I observe in people of their capacity to trust in general. But with my understanding of reality as perfection… is when I’m in ceremony… my conscious levels are being elevated to be able to receive and perceive in magnitudes greater than waking state. However, ceremony or reality knows exactly what motivates me and inspires me and it speaks to me in several layers… It already knows where I am and speaks to me in the manner that kind of makes sense in this realm of communication. I love to solve problems… so again it’s not going to give me every detail because that just isn’t much of a fun life to live in my opinion. But again… I might be mistaken of all the reasons of why I’m getting theses messages… because in my human state there something inside that wants to figure out the resolution…. The destination of why I have received this message… but I’ve been observing for a while now that the destination is not what fills me up with joy… it’s the journey… so again… it speaks to me in a manner and knows where I am and how completely crazy and curious I am… that I’m going to go ahead and explore these visions and guidance… and not to get to a final destination but what I’m going to be learning all along the way! I’ve had many things I’ve been guided towards… and of course the human in me wants to say it’s because of one thing or another… but that’s really to satisfy the other humans I’m communicating with… this is something that is common in our lives and so I”ve appeased the humans to try to give them a logical answer… but in reality inside my own mind… I don’t need any logic to have me want to explore… because even though i don’t know the entirety of what I”m going to be learning…. I know I’ll be learning regardless and my observation skills and contemplation is increasing that… there’s far more that I”ll get out of what I think I’ll get out of it…. I understand this to be true for me. I”ve been thinking about Leo’s last videos and there was a part where we can put ourselves in so many traps because we’ve been great at learning in this manner… I feel like that has been me most of my life. Again… I feel like I’ve gained so much skills in resourcefulness and confidence and trust… that regardless of what I get my crazy self into… I’m going to be exactly where I need to be to learn something even if I don’t know exactly what I’m learning until I’m in the thick of it… and most of the time it was until after the fact… but my skills are increasing to be able to see growth as it’s happening now too. But so yes… I’m so comfortable at being wrong or mistaken… because again…this is something the humans care about… but that’s just a conditioning of intelligence is knowing things and being right… which I’d like to question… I mean really… how intelligent is it to stand our ground on everything as truth and not be open to explore alternative options to our stance? Reality has been trying to teach us through example all the time… if we can observe it… what do we say… change is inevitable… for this to be true do we have to be wrong? Or is this just stepping stones… infinite amount of stepping stones… hehe… but again language wants to distinguish one thing to another so if one thing doesn’t work out like we thought it would be think this is wrong… and so the right thing has to be something completely different… if we think of things as stepping stones and then maybe we’ll just make those small corrections as many times as we need to find solutions we accept and enjoy… until the next generation comes with something else… hehe…. Well… we’ve got four llamas being rented out tomorrow to go hiking and camping for a few days… I’d like to get them ready a bit more and damn it… maybe I’ll even tackle some more thistles… hehe… we’ll see how things go… but I want to take a break so until next time… chao

Woohoo! I didn’t realize Leo posted some videos again… that was a happy surprise. Plus of course I support his content and really appreciated the vulnerability in the second half of the psychology of being wrong. So glad he took time for himself… again we want him at his full energetic potential as much as possible. I thought I might do his exercise about all the areas I’ve been wrong… but I feel like I’m pretty vulnerable here… so I’ve done this in a long drawn out manner..hehe.. and this is something that stands out to me when I speak with people… spiritual work.. true higher consciousness training one will be able to admit how wrong our thoughts can be… and become quite humbled from this.. and more cautious moving forward… not sure that’s the correct word, but if we’ve seen how many mistakes we’ve done we understand more will come and so understanding and communicating this honestly makes it easier and easier to try things out regardless if we are “wrong” or not… hehe… what specific traps does my personality might be susceptible to sounds like a good exercise to do on here though… Because I keep finding myself running a few programs that are engrained just being here in an ashram for the past six months that I can share… and I’m sure there’s more insight I gain from it too. In fact I feel myself… pulling myself out of a few of them and trying to ground myself to what really calls to me. Let’s give it a go… I’ve only been on this online Journaling thing for a year… so I actually haven’t had the opportunity to do any of his exercises on here while the videos are being posted… so this seems like a good entry to try out. And the saying that there are some who love to learn… I liked to express what I’m learning from these traps I’ve found so far… so let’s see what happens and where it goes… So let’s see…. The first thing that might have thought to be a trap and I was cautious when I first arrived was observing a very powerful lady who can be on the negative and demanding side. I was cautious because I’ve dealt with this style of personality in fact we had a conversation pretty much the first few visits to her about it’s hard to work for leaders because my high standards of leadership. She wanted to have examples… and I told her some and giving examples that I thought might be the case I’d run into working with her, but not saying it in that manner. Not only was there a trap of working under this leadership style… I also know of my history of being extremely involved with my work environments. I find that I go and observe and see what I can do to help the system work “better”… hehe… which I know I just went through all these changes I’d do to this temple… but again this wasn’t my original goal here. I was here to relax in an ashram setting… but this is where it came to, but this is because I’m debating whether I’m going to step in to a position where i”m more engaged for future partnerships… this hasn’t been determined… I still am allowing time and space to see where or if this partnership will continue. So the first trap was judging the lady to be at the same consciousness level as my past bosses. I’ve been able to observe her and sympathize why she might be in this state. I was also falling into the trap thinking my consciousness levels haven’t increased to be able to navigate these types of situations like I hadn’t grown from my past. And this isn’t true… my navigating has matured; however, still so much room to grow. I mentioned that I got snippy at her last Friday… and in fact I got snippy with her again today. But we were able to talk it through… it seems to be getting triggered when she starts yelling at me and me getting all snippety back… again I’d hope this wasn’t my reaction, but I see this is still happening.. but I feel when this happens its almost being a mirror to whom I’m speaking with for them to see how it feels to be treated the way we are treating everyone around us. I notice when I get upset with her; she doesn’t like it… not because we have differences of opinions… because we’re not arguing about differences of opinion… but the fact that my demeanor of communication has changed in these instances where it’s agitated and irritable… Again… usually I’ve very calm and she has liked that about me. When she is getting in fights with devotees or her husband… usually I’m not involved but try to calm people’s temper and she points out that I never get mad at her. Well… it seems like I’m getting mad at her now and I think that’s making her uncomfortable. Now, I’ve been able to express to her is she’s initiating these outbursts which triggers in me the same reaction. Again I hope to continue to develop to not mirror, but I feel she’s starting to understand that I only respond in this manner when she’s in an outburst state with me. Now… I hope she will one day not only to not approach me in this manner but to start redirecting her communication with everyone with more respect and calm nature… I”ve already seen this happening… but conditioning takes time to change so it’s not an overnight thing. And I am not expecting her to change overnight, but do I see effort and improvement… yes and I can appreciate this and work with this as well. I know I’m falling into a trap with her about not expressing myself fully. I know there’s things that are building up and I know it’s not healthy to keep this bottle up… that’s probably why these outburst reactions are coming out right now. I was able to mention a few things… but we did not have a deep discussion which is needed. I’ve been trying to be patient and allow time for her to observe my personality and demeanor and been waiting for her to put down the walls to actually get to know one another. I faced that wall within the first few visits and I’m not going to try to waste my energy breaking this wall down… so I’ve been patient. This trap I find myself in by getting very involved with my work environments… I’ve been noticing for years about this… so I’ve been more aware of my habit to do this… so this isn’t the first time working on this, but honestly I knew I was going to be able to help but on what I would say my capabilities are on a very low standard. Well… high standard with minimal energy. So I haven’t been stepping in doing as many projects to show how well rounded I can be… because I have been building a mindset… this is not my project… this helps me keep some distance… I say high standard with minimal energy because I am who I am.. so whatever assignment she asks of me I do to my best of my abilities… but I’m also trying not to go above and beyond.. because I haven’t had the acceptance of who I am fully here. This is something that I again continue to remind myself… while I’m here I am stunted in my communication but with only a very select few on the property. I still get very personal and transparent with majority of my relationships here… but when it comes to the actual Krishna devotees… there’s a gap… they’ve all assumed I’d be like past volunteers coming to try to convert them as my main mission… so stopping me from having conversations about this.. has created a bit of suppression in communication within me… I’ve been trying to express my spiritual understandings in passive ways by having conversations with people in public so what’s being said can be heard if anyone is curious enough to listen… and I feel not much conversations go without notice with her. So again I feel like I’m playing a chess game with her.. which really I wish wouldn’t be the case… but it is where we are. And the chess game is just for us to be grateful to have one another in each other’s lives at this time. We’re getting there… even on my end… like I said I had jumped to judgements without getting to know her… just like she was doing to me. We’ve been observing each other and we’re both getting more comfortable working together. Again I sympathize with all of her responsibilities she’s placed on her plate… but that’s it… she made her own dish to consume herself… and there seems to be much more drama on her plate that I don’t really want to be involved with. But also maybe I’m calling in drama as well… lol… I’ve been known to be quite dramatic as well. But I’ve been seeing where there’s this atmosphere of urgency and importance in all the tasks around the temple… that just isn’t necessary. If we need to brush the llamas for a picture it has to be now! If we have to fix the hose to the sprinklers for the birds it has to be now! If someone who was talking to me decides to go and grab some tape thinking it will help the project… it’s the assumption that I’m bossing people around as if I’m the authority of the person’s action… when in reality I’m not going to stop someone from doing something they want to help with.. especially when the tape can be used for many projects on property. lol… these are not life and death situations and placing everyone in this state is just unnecessary and just waste too much energy. I’m trying to think if there has been anything of an emergency that has happened on this property in the six months I’ve been here? In my opinion… no… I wasn’t on property when we lost a baby llama… I was still living in the neighboring town… I came to volunteer right after this lady had fallen and broken her wrist and bruised her rib by trying to carry a baby llama to shelter… again I could see being able to make this situation a priority and to move quickly to get assistance.. but I wasn’t here in these moments. Mostly what we do is very standard duties but yet there’s so much urgency and importance into everything mostly because our leader is yelling all the time and flustering everyone which leads to reactions that aren’t necessarily the responses we’d be getting if everyone is just calm about it… hehe… so before i moved in I was also able to get a room that wasn’t on property.. I thought there would be no way I could last here if I had to sleep in the same cabin as the owners. Placing myself in these unnecessary heightened and negative situations I knew was going to be a lot of draining of energy… so having that around me for everyday seems like a trap… hehe.. so I was able to get that lined up.. plus I got my schedule to help give her rest from the temple during the evenings a bit… by working 4 evening shifts but having 3 days off… many do not do this… there’s another devotee and staff members who don’t live on property that shares these same shifts… again I knew I wanted to focus on resting… which comes to another trap I placed myself into. Before I moved in here I was looking for a job… having money allows more freedom, but I knew if I was to move onto property… this would be a trap…. I would not have any income coming and this means I would be more reliant on the housing and food and activities that are allowed at this ashram. I kind of ok with delayed gratification.. and again being uncomfortable is a good thing for temporary periods of time… so I was willing to see how I would responde to this trap I placed myself in. It’s obvious that I’m working on my conditioning to money… but my conclusions have been this supposed lack of money has given me so much benefits… which again leads to another trap of being comfortable of just thinking this is the only way to gain benefits… I know I’ll continue to learn with money as well. But what have I been learning in this situation for putting myself in this trap? Well first of all… I’m super grateful there’s a space that allows this to even be possible for me to experience. I absolutely love the opportunity to reflect without having to occupy my energy to worry about survival needs. I have a room with my cat Elvis where we mostly have solitude which is a blessing. I really love the fact I have access to a bath tub… hehe.. sounds trivial but this is a ritual that gives so many benefits to my energy and peace levels and the ability to feel like I’m nurturing my wellbeing. Again this is my first ashram experience and I’ve been able to not run away for six months to get a real appreciation of what this environment can provide not only for myself but for anyone. And I guess this is why I have gotten to the point of what changes I would make, because I understand that I’d like to be building or assisting in community design and I can live pretty simply and be satisfied with this, but I also can see subtle improvements… I’m not sure if this is a trap inherent in me as well… is looking for solutions… hehe… possibly… but I feel this is where I am currently. Again might be trivial to some, but not having the freedom money can afford in this setting does not give me freedom to eat what I’d like to eat. So again for me this is a delayed gratification technique… I’ve gone so long eating the same things over and over again… that I can see how this is going to give me much more appreciation to have a kitchen and choosing ingredients that I enjoy but adding variety to it. Now there are some dishes that I enjoy but having them over and over again the dishes don’t become as appetizing anymore. I feel I also have observed how much I enjoy having more raw food options… they serve veggies here but it seems like they are overcooked and have to have some type of sauce or syrup of all things on them… why? lol… we have a vegan chef here and I feel like we’re missing out on a huge opportunity to not really learn more of the different options she can share with us. Now she has been doing some dishes which my body has absolutely loved and now craves for the diversity… hehe… but we don’t have to be a chef to be able to share our dishes… I like to cook as well but there hasn’t been room to share. I don’t have a kitchen at my spot so I’m looking forward to having a kitchen again. I can just see how much more I’ll appreciate having this again. I feel like I’ve fallen into this trap myself when I feel like I have a limited budget to work with same as the temple… it’s just safer to buy the same things over and over again because you can get the bang for the buck… but wow… having the choice of the ingredients still is far more desired than not having the option. I still find ways to get out to restaurants from time to time just to get a break… but my body is craving it and so it feels like my desired is really yelling at me lately… hehe.. but I also see the diversity in people’s diets since I’ve been here and again allowing these diversities would be something I’d encourage. I’m not saying that we have to have an open menu with meat included… I like the vegetarian option in an ashram… but even this we can have so much more variety. And i mentioned this whole syrup in the veggies thing and why? Why is it decided for anyone to eat this dish that it has to have syrup in it? I’m sure it’s just as easy to not have it in there and when someone wants to add this they can, but that decision can be personalized. That’s just one example… but we get what I’m saying… everyone who comes to eat assumes this food is healthy food… the temple implies it’s healthy because it’s vegetarian… but there’s so much sugar and let’s just say unnecessary ingredients that doesn’t have to be in the dishes and could be a choices for someone to choose if desired, but also not have to if one wishes. Not having access to a kitchen is not ideal either. I don’t believe many volunteers at the cabin use the kitchen there either. I’m uncertain anyone feels comfortable using the facilities… it seems some access isn’t available there as well, but I’m thinking there’s a cleanliness thing going on there as well with the birds and just a bunch of clutter. But right to have a property setting to setup a community… food is something important to consider. We also talk about this farm as an organic farm, but most of our food is store bought. I’ve been here for the winter and spring… and yes we just had summer solstice but what has been from the garden that I’ve been eating? We’ve had butternut squash dishes that were about to be frozen and eaten in this season… we’ve got zucchini which has also been frozen and stored… we had a few apricot cobblers that came out of the freezers. That’s it that I know of. I might be able to see what get’s produced from the gardens but honestly I don’t see a ton of produce that’s going to come out of it. We have a green house that doesn’t get used either… so… how do farms work this out? Farmsteads I guess… I’m guessing what we have in gardens could do well with a small family, but when it comes to a community… we’d have to have them larger and also use the green house effectively. Grocery shopping isn’t out of the picture of course… but it’s challenging for me to promote organic vegetables and fruit for the buffet when one dish if we’re lucky has our organic produce. Even though this is the season for gardens… should we be setting up the greenhouse as well? Getting produce started for the fall and winter months? This is what I’d assume, but again I’m not a gardener and just thinking out loud. Because I’m not making any money… which by the way I don’t know if this is a practical rule here too… not being able to work while at the ashram… it feels like a trap all over it… not having the opportunity for people to make money while living in this community.. it seems more like a control power play. But again it’s possible because they’re not really wanting long term volunteers here. I mean I’ve been able to do it and feel ok, but I’ve seen a few volunteers who would’ve loved to stay on property but they wanted jobs to make money which had to move off property because of it. I’m not sure why there isn’t a system where rent can be paid in supplement of the time not volunteering that is required. Maybe even offering pay after the volunteer hours have been done. But again… this defeats the purpose of resting at an ashram though too… hehe… tricky! I just got back from my evening walk to give snacks to the neighborhood horse… she’s a dancing horse and she’s wonderful… but it does seem like I don’t mind placing myself in traps… it really helps me observe my maturation process… each time i find myself in similar situations, I observe where I’m growing and where I’m still a bit short in i guess… but let’s continue the process First of all this whole money thing… If I had a bank account that affords me the freedom… at this point in my life… I wouldn’t have allowed the time of day to see any of the benefits that I found here. I know for sure I wouldn’t have gained as much trust in humans and get better at communicating…. Which I’m going to continue growing in… but I also know there’s a part of me that thinks that money is going to corrupt me in some way… that I won’t still approach my life in the same manner and damn it… I love my life and my approach… so there are things that are going to differ, but many of my attributes with stay in tacked but ultimately I would assume it would open doors further to experience and learn from. I’ve already been establishing minimizing material belongings and again I’ve been living a full life without much monetary means… I just don’t see how I’d just forget the wisdom I’ve gained already… I feel like I’ve been living several lives in this current one I find myself… and I understand that money is going to increase… but I see this life as always learning lessons to benefit my conscious level… and if money isn’t a part of it yet… I’m still going to appreciate life where I am… that’s not going to change if money is a part of it as well. I’m confident when it comes… I’ll be for more conscious about it than I would have any time before it. So let’s move past money for now and see if it comes back… I’ve been finding myself in a trap when it comes to animals… hehe… I absolutely love and adore all types of animals and insects… but I do see this as a trap. It’s so easy for me to want to be responsible for them… I was just telling a buddy of mine that I know this about myself and so it’s easy for me to assume to love them partially because I don’t want to feel the loss of attachment when I leave. I know that I’m working to actually love them fully and not feel the attachment when I leave. It’s easier for me to leave people… mostly because it’s easy to continue a communication and developing a connection with them by exchange contact information… but when it comes to an animal… it’s usually just a clean break understanding it’s highly unlikely to see them again. I noticed this more when I knew that the llamas were going to get rented out for hikes and camping trips. I realized a part of me started to get protective and possessive over their wellbeing… I was like how much history do we know of any of these people who are going to take the llamas? How do we know they’ll take care of them? One of the volunteers were helping me out and saying that they’ll be so happy to get off property and sightsee new land and a new atmosphere… I agreed they would enjoy this… and it wasn’t anything too serious, but then when I started hearing about the selling of the llamas… again… I was being possessive and even saw how selective I was to whatever llamase would be sold… I was looking at their personalities and figuring out who would be ok being alone. I feel like there’s only maybe three who might be up to that task… but I also feel even though they like to be by themselves.. I feel they feel much better to be in a herd and choosing when they can get their alone time. But once she gave me the list of llamas who were up for sale… I started to get them ready and groom them… spend more time with them and walking them… the first llama is going to a sheep farm to guard them… and when I saw the list I had a good idea of who would be chosen… I even took a last video with him before he left since I figured he’d be the one chosen out of the options. But again in my head of was wondering why some of them were chosen over other ones. I lucked out during the day the buyers came… I prepped the llamas, but then I guided a tour of visitors when it came to the final decision and taking him off property. I’m not certain if he would be the one I would have had as an option… the only reason why is because he’s still fairly young and he doesn’t feel comfortable being alone. I couldn’t get him to be comfortable to take a walk around the property on his own… he always wanted a second llama with him. But he’s sweet and he’s been in smaller sections pinned up since I’ve moved onto property so I love the fact that I think he’ll share I think it was 12 acres of land with the sheep. And even though he doesn’t have any llamas… i think he’s going to have a big herd of sheep that he’ll have as company. And since he’s young.. he should be able to adapt fairly easier than most. I met and spoke with the family and they were all very sweet. The owner was trying to encourage them not to use the llama as a pet, but I could see some of the daughters leaning towards giving him quite a bit of love though… hehe… so I’m happy for him. Now we have another buyer who wanted six llamas and she was thinking about doing that but then decided that three would be her max. There are only six llamas males to choose from. The oldest, cloud wouldn’t be for sale because of his age and this is his home until he passes. And technically there’s only five because she wouldn’t be giving away the alpha either… oh my goodness how miserable he would be to leave his herd… I couldn’t even imagine how we would have to deal with that. But out of the five remaining.. I see them in two pairs and a solo… I thought one of the pairs wouldn’t be a consideration because most of the herd has the same bloodline as the alpha so the one who doesn’t would stay… but that’s actually not her approach. She said that it’s fairly easy to connect with other llama breeders and exchange alphas to introduce new blood. So she’ll try breeding him before he leaves so we’ll have babies with his blood line. He’s a pretty sweet and handsome llama… he’s the second alpha… and he’s much more of a lover to humans than any of them. His buddy partner will be going with him… and then the solo guy will join him. So I’m trying to get them all to get along before they leave. The solo llama picks fights and gets beat up. He’s trying to challenge all the older llamas, but he’s not strong enough to make it up the ladder. He’s actually a very sweet llama… I’ve been spending quite a bit of time with him because he seemed to always be the outsider of the male crew. I’ve been allowing him to spend time outside of the ladies quarters and he’s loving that. He’s in his own little section right now and I’d love for him to get larger land to enjoy… right now I just don’t know how to have him get along with the second alpha. The third is a gelded llama so he doesn’t get into fights really… hehe… so I’m glad she told me the llamas… because again I can get my time with them before they go. I’ve been thinking about these animals a lot lately… I feel like there’s an abundance of animals to take care of in comparison to the people who are willing to care for them. So reducing the numbers is not a bad thing. But that also got me thinking whether domesticated animals is the more conscious move for the animals themselves… I can obviously see the benefits we humans get to have the animals but what’s best for them? Did I already talk about the parrots? I think so… should we be rehabilitating them instead of sanctioning them for the next sixty years? If we do sanction them… shouldn’t we be making a larger effort for them to be more concerned in creating a habitat for them to feel more like a parrot by helping them fly again and having trees and fruits for them to pick off the trees… not having to put them in cages… so much do i enjoy animals… and I definitely see a future having animals in my life… but I feel like there’s more to understand before assuming domesticated animals are the thing to do. When they’ve already been domesticated… do we continue this? Or do we try to rehabilitate? Many questions I ask myself aren’t answered right away…and many times it’s very situational. But we’re figuring this out… and I’m trying to figure this out in my involvement with animals too. I mean I just got back from this neighborhood horse… the dancing horse. I found her a few weeks ago and I’ve been back every evening since except when I went swimming and hiking a few days back. I see myself getting attached… I had written a letter to leave on the gate to ask the owners if I can have permission to clean her area and if I had a chance to groom her and get to know her name… I didn’t say all of this… but that’’s what I wanted.. to establish a deeper relationship. But I haven’t left the letter yet. The reason I am drawn to her is because again she’s alone and in a smaller area than what I would deem comfortable for a large horse. I see that hay is getting dropped off maybe every 10 days and I have to keep checking her water levels because it’s been so hot and it gets so low… good thing there’s a pump right there and I just fill it up. But I start to think that if I establish a relationship with her… she can get more attention and not have to be lonely by herself. But it can definitely be a trap getting attached to her. I noticed once they dropped off the second bale of hay she’s not eating eating it as much. I’m wondering if I’m getting her to think she can rely on my feeding her a bag full of alfalfa and grasses… instead of eating her hay? Goodness.. I’d definitely not want her owners to think they can go longer periods of not feeding her too… so am I really helping? If these animals aren’t really my responsibility… how much interference should I be doing? As much as I’d love to care for these animals… I also know that I’m not in a position to want to be settled into a location. That’s why I keep thinking about a shared community… many great people like to have the stability of staying primarily in one place… if I can visit from time to time to love on them… it would be awesome because I feel like I can love them but not lose them… hehe… I’d like to love them even if I lose them. And I do… but not have this attachment… I don’t think I’m going to go into attachment at this time… I feel like I’ve addressed this already a couple times in this Journal. So… there’s another trap that I found myself in while I’ve been here and I’d like to go into it but I’m going to go to the grocery store to grab a snack before getting into it. It’s getting late and I feel like I might be up a while longer and it would be nice to have a snack… hehe what nice walk… yeah I think I’m good at the traps I”ve been noticing… and I don’t see them as traps anymore… I have tendencies and again… im gaining benefits from them… and i had been getting messages about possibly over sharing… ha! So maybe it’s best that I take a while to get to the point mostly because I’m still just laying out possibilities in my mind… I‘ll leave it here for the night…. Good night

Oh my goodness… what a wonderful afternoon and evening in the mountains by a river and a small walk up to have a picnic while the sun was setting… this was very much needed for all of us… three of us are volunteers and getting time away from the property was very necessary for our wellbeing. But anyway…. Let’s see where we left off and continue the thoughts… ok… I see where I left off.. the nonprofit idea and also classes on learning… so yes this would be a possible way to earn some funds for the property, but honestly the value of having classes available and learning from whomever and whatever is around at the time would seem beneficial for anyone… but let’s try to make it more tangible. So already mentioned the cooking classes… but there is a large space that is being used for storage currently… again ideally in my opinion this would be an amazing space for more activity areas and doesn’t have to be on the quiet side of spiritual practices. Using this space for possibly obvious activities as asanas, but many spiritual practices have included dance, music, and singing… so I’d highly encourage this space to do this as well… but of course I’m not going to exclude physical activities where we can get into the flow state… any time we get into the flow state is a spiritual practice regardless of what that is… but I’d love to install a floating floor to help cushion our joints and everything… but we can add activities such as acro yoga, capoeira, the list can go on forever… but also we cannot exclude artistic activities… I get so many messages in this type of flow state.. so it might be in the activities pavilion or inside where the kitchen tables are.. but anyway there are going to be classes. And of course for beginners the flow state doesn’t automatically start when learning… but there are glimpses and if we find something we are enjoying we build up the desire to continue multiple experiences to eventually getting into the flow and truly seeing the value in this state. I’m not certain if there is going to be set classes all the time… of course I feel like some would be staples but I really like the idea of how many interesting people that have come by the temple that have unusual or cool hobbies and passions… so allowing pop up classes to occur just because there’s someone who specializes in an area and would be willing to share. I can really go on and on about classes and examples but haven’t I already done this when I was talking about my nonprofit before? I believe so… if not I feel we get the picture. And I just have to mention that of course there will be kids classes… and empowering children to teach classes as well… children teaching adults I know from experience was extremely beneficial for my growth and understanding. I started teaching adults around 9 to 10 years of age… and that’s been huge for my confidence and ability to understand that regardless of age… we can enhance in skills that adults might not have wanted to so… the multiple experiences in areas doesn’t depend on our age… it depends on our desire and time we’ve put into understanding a specific area. So this helped out definitely not to blindly follow supposed authority figures… even though this did not stop me from giving respect. I don’t think I”m going into this right now… again I feel like I’ve already touched on this in past journal entries. Spiritual practices are not a narrow set of practices that are labeled spiritual… these practices expand far greater than societies definition of what’s spiritual or not… everything is spiritual and so our practices will be diverse… because introducing up to a variety helps us grasp and create in a more expansive way. But also many people haven’t given themselves time to explore what really interests them… but also cost could definitely stop people from trying something out for the first time when we don’t even know if we’d enjoy it or not. So having classes available for people to at least give new activities a try would be beneficial for a community. Classes will also expand into the farm of the ashram too. There are so many people I’ve met here that is interested in permaculture and plants and herbs… on and on.. and why not have a facility to again allow people to explore their ideas and get the chance to get our hands dirty… it’s amazing to get our hands dirty people… haha… but not only for food purposes… but how to regrow plants for reforesting the land… so there’s a scrap yard right next to the property and I was asking a few guys interested in plants… and I asked them… you know… what would be the steps to take to remove any toxic waste that vehicles sitting in a location for years would inevitable leak fluids into the earth… how would we bring the land back to life? And I was happy to hear without hesitation what their ideas are… I don’t know the exact terms they used but there’s companies that can drop of wood chips and scrap branches and trees directly onto property… there’s bacteria or even mushroom species they would use on this location which works miracles in creating healthy soil… and they listed plants that also know how to pull toxins out of the soil… they were projecting a maximum of two years… but they would also suggest to go ahead and plant while this process is happening shortly after they start. They were talking about making forest quickly by consistently chopping off the tops of trees and plants to help them want to grow faster. I asked about different processes I’ve heard about one example about burning the land and using activated charcoal… they suggested that the land known around this areas doesn’t necessarily need more alkaline in it and they would suggest something different.. but they said honestly they don’t know since nature brings in fires around the surround landscape more often than not… so any way… they don’t have the space to do this for themselves… but what if this property could allow them to try these practices out? Again by sharing with the community and also open to have the community share their experience and ideas to implement. I’d assume there will be some areas where it doesn’t go as planned and not being afraid of these moments… because we can actually see what works and what doesn’t so we can continue down the list of alternative solutions… I’d encourage a green house that is functional… there is one but no one uses it through the fall and winter months… only in the spring to prepare for the planting season… I feel like I can go on and on in all these areas.. but I am trying to get to the idea that’s opening up a window to a global community… and there’s just so much I can say about the current location… I’ll just quickly try to finish up this temple so I can get to an insight that I would have never had thought to approach until a few weeks ago… so let’s go to the animals quickly. The main thing that I’d first change is the water quality and storage for the animals. I do not like the containers with standing water… it just too ripe for the wrong bacteria and whatever grows in standing water that we don’t want around our property or inside the animals. This would be a little trickier because ideally I’d like to have station setup to where not only we humans can have wash areas and bathrooms… but installing a pipe system to circulate the water so there’s not any standing water. I’m sure there are solutions already out there… I’m just not familiar with it… this goes more into if I was building a community from scratch and prioritizing how to filter, harvest, store water from rain and snow and integrating it to the system to help water plants, animals, and the entire landscape… but yes I’ve been putting smaller buckets around for them and I just change the water more often then these large vats holding water just because it looks like much cleaner and healthier water for the animals to drink specifically the llamas and cows… the birds have little dishes already for water… and the koi pond already has fountains and waterfalls to circulate the water and as we use gravity fed lines to water the gardens we can pump the well water into topping the water back up again… but specific to this location… there’s definitely opportunities to store water from rain and snow especiallly… I’d think we’d can find was to effectively use it to nurture the property in many ways. But animals themselves are amazing to care for and again if you’re an animal lover we already know all the benefits they afford to be around them. I’m still not certain about the whole separating the herd male to female… I understand regulating the population… but watching these poor guys suffering this spring… I’m like why can’t we allow them to have a little fun… hehe… I know one main reason is not having llamas being born during the winter… I’d suggest for a future project to redesign the barn to have a structure where it can be a shelter from the elements as well. Shelter from the winter and the sun here in Utah… suggesting some type of earthen structure to help regulate temperatures and the use of thermal mass… I’d like that for part of the green house too… but that’s details that I don’t want to get into. Now the birds… hehe.. this is the first time dealing with domesticated birds for me. I”m not certain how I feel about this…hehe… there’s an African Grey who is super sweet but the three Macaws seem grumpy and miserable. Now.. if I was put into their position I wouldn’t be happy either living indoors and cooped up in cages or even aviaries… they have been domesticated to the point that they are capable to fly but they don’t know how or they don’t remember or what’s the use when they don’t have much space. Also I hear having a bird extends their life span to around 80 years old… the oldest bird here is 20… so all of these birds potentially will be here for another 60 years plus… that’s a long time to not live in a more natural setting. Yes we are a sanctuary of sorts… but are we really give them a habitat that allows them to flourish… can domesticated birds be rehabilitated to return to the wild? Or can we train them to fly again? I don’t know but I feel this is a step towards the direction to give them more happiness in their lives. Also wow… I know everything uses the restroom… but it’s messy and it’s everywhere… so I don’t know how beneficial their feces is as a fertilizer… but I thought instead of aviaries in the cabin… what about the green house? Possibly? They are cool but I’d like to really see if the best steps would be a sanctuary or rehabilitation? I don’t know but I’ve been thinking what actually would be best for the animals. This is tricky for me… because I absolutely love them and want to treat them as pets in a way… but what is the more conscious approach? I’d love to brainstorm with people to see what solutions can be brought to the table. I did mention housing already correct? Again probably something not right away… but having more housing options to grow a community ashram would be recommended… obviously the sooner the better. But the community I’d encourage here isn’t so everyone permanently stays on property… I’d still encourage the temporary living still… generally housing available for people sho want to stay two days to two weeks to two months up to two years consecutively… once they hit the two year mark we’d encourage them to get out of the bubble and explore and see what opportunities to gain in this world. If there’s a case they want to return… I’d think they’d have to have a minimum of six months before returning. Details that aren’t official just in a random thoughts sort of way. I could go into the housing deigns as well, but again tonight it feels like I want to not dwell on the details of this property as much… as we can see there are ideas I’d like to introduce… only if the owners were open and willing to see a transformation to their baby… which I”m not certain they would be for or against. Haven’t brought it up so I don’t know. But what I’ve been trying to get to and I think I want to explore more… is this nonprofit idea…. It’s not new to think about a nonprofit, but I’m seeing a window of how I can use a nonprofit to open up to a global community. (Ok… where to begin… I’m going to take a quick break and smoke my pipe for a little bit before I tackle this idea) Ok… after taking the break I feel like I’m going to backtrack a little bit because there one detail I didn’t mention to what has happened when I took a break from journaling which seems to apply because it started to get me into this new idea… I did submit my storytelling application to National Geographic Society. It was by the hair of my teeth to submit it on time because factors played a part on submitting the information online that i didn’t know i was going to run into… anyway… i think I had 9 minutes to spare for the deadline. I still would absolutely love work within their network, but I”m also confident that it’s going to play out with or without their support. The results are supposed to be announced sometime in August… so what is the underlying goal that I was trying to get at in this proposal? I wanted to expand the definition of spirituality and how we define spiritual practices. I wanted to present my approach to show an approach that might not look like it has structure but ultimately it’s not a human way of structure but a structure trusting the universe’s mind beyond human thoughts. I guess I haven’t been able to find a good way of explaining this… but anyway… I was hoping to partner with an organization that has established itself in reputation and sharing diversity and future sustainability for this planet we find ourselves involved with. So again I see this as a spiritual organization even though society or governments wouldn’t label it a spiritual organization… because they value transparency and exploration… I thought this would be an ideal partnership to help show this universal approach to spirituality to expand our mindsets but also possible laws that are currently placed which seem to be limiting exploration into our spirituality. I think I’ve been trying to find a way to work with a system that has so many labels and rules to narrow our definition of what spirituality is and what religion means and what it has to look like in specific areas… as if our human desire isn’t to expand beyond human survival mode into a universal harmony and gratitude of what this reality really is. I feel like there are windows of opportunity to follow these rules but the content that can be shared actually helps assist in expanding these rules to not be so rigid. Geesh writing this out I can see so many people assuming that I’m promoting some type of anarchy… it’s not exactly this but by definition it might seem like that’s what I’m going for… but I’ll try to continue my explanation and we can see if anarchy is what I’m trying to encourage or not. So in a way… finding a way to stay in the parameters of the rules but to demonstrate or show example why the parameters can be expanded. So I’ve been thinking about this ashram.. and there’s so much that flies in and out of my mind… but I thought there’s no way I can be involved with this temple because first of all I’m not a Krishna devotee and this is a ISKON temple. I”m not willing to be a devotee just to help be a steward of this temple and land… but I’d really like to see this place flourish regardless of whatever the label people want to place on things. But since I’ve been here I’ve been noticing some benefits of having a religious organization… of course I’ve been observing for years now and so it’s been seeded way before I came to this location. I mean… when I look at visiting new countries and looking at the visa options… I wish I could come as religious visa but again I’d have to have an established relationship with a specific religion. Again which is something I wasn’t even entertaining before… another seed is having a friend who has been currently trying to create a new religion and listening to the steps he’s having to take to get this religion approved. I love the idea of a nonprofit but I hadn’t considered having a religious nonprofit… because in my conditioning religion had a bad taste in my mouth… because of the examples of religions I’ve been experiencing. But what if participating in a religious nonprofit can open opportunities to be an example of what I feel is more on the lines of spirituality growth and not necessarily through the structure of religions? Now I can wait for our collective to realize that spirituality is just as important as religions… and wait for policies to expand and update… or is there a way to go forward using their definitions to have the opportunity to show a new example? I saw there are many benefits religions seem to have over nonreligious organizations even in the nonprofit sector. In the States by law there is supposed to be a separation of church and state. Where there are still many rules to follow to qualify as a religion; however, there does seem to be room to play because there is somewhat a perceived idea of separation. There’s an extent to too many questions that’s appropriate to ask about religious practices… there’s somehow a line that shouldn’t be crossed…so is that wiggle room? Ok… I’ve briefly started looking into how to submit a 501c nonprofit religious organization and one example I saw this wiggle room is having a doctrine of the history… geesh… let me see if I can get actual wording instead of trying to recall everything accurately… where is that… one moment… So I was looking it up and I found that I was reading about exemption for a church on form 1023 a formal code of doctrine and discipline… for me ideally I’d not want that to be a requirement because literally from my own spiritual growth towards Awakening… i barely ever touched a scripture to be able to elevate spiritually… so I feel this could be a way but for me it was just tangling our minds in theory which is far different from direct spiritual experiences and ultimately spiritual embodiment. I read somewhere that the government couldn’t technically ask to read the doctrine since the separation law thing. But… honestly I was reading a bit and navigating through the IRS… and even noticing that 501c exemption is not the only way to proceed forward… there are religious organizations out here that aren’t exempt status I’m sure. But yes it feels like there’s more to explore. But maybe I can go into my idealistic view yes before I search for the tangible way of approaching this. So since this doctrine thing isn’t really my thing I was thinking about nondenominational and interdenominational. I tend to prefer the term nondenominational but interdenominational applies really well too… hehe… I want to include anyone and everyone… so if I steer towards interdenominational this implies inclusion of multiple religious beliefs… granted it seems that it implies multiple Christian denominations… but what if it includes every religion around the world down to shamanism… and the doctrines are already there and there’s no need to create one which I don’t want to do in the first place.. hehe… wait… how am I going to approach this? There is still research that I want to do to get more direction on how to guide this process… but what has been motivating me to explore further into this option? I find it valuable in my spiritual approach to learn from everyone. When I started to travel to countries outside of the States… I found a spiritual practice that completely amplified and exponentially expanded my consciousness into levels I thought would take decades to achieve. So… yes the ability to travel and get introduced to different spiritual practices around the world I would highly encourage. Even though I found spiritual practices that is highly effective… I’m still getting messages to continue my travels around the world and learn about spiritual practices because there’s always more to elevate into this existence… so variety is healthy. I know I’ve said this before but having the concept of biodiversity in our spiritual practices I feel is super healthy just like nature’s biodiversity nurtures a natural setting to thrive. So there are two examples of religions where I am currently that allows this opportunity to travel around the world specifically for spiritual reasons. In Utah we have the Mormons.. they’ve created this gigantic network of sending their members all over the world for spiritual practices. That’s what I would encourage as well… now the ones who are missionaries that travel are trained to preach and hopefully convert… which obviously isn’t what I would be promoting… hehe… I’m not much of a one way spiritual communicator… I’ve found the word preach hasn’t been giving me a good taste in my mouth as well… hehe. But they also have service missionaries which this approach isn’t necessarily to preach, but to serve in their local communities. I really love this idea. I find myself looking for opportunities to serve wherever I find myself. I’ve joked around with the service missionaries that come to the temple… that I’d love to have the resources that has been given to them… all of these locations that are open to having people volunteer at their locations. So combining the two concepts sounds more in alignment of what I could see as something beneficial to spiritual growth… service missionaries that travel the world and volunteer with the local communities. Not to go and change the new cultures beliefs systems but to be introduced to their practices to see if it can be beneficial or not to include in our personal practices. But again… yes we can use the typical definition of what spiritual practices are… but again through my personal journey I’ve been able to expand past the typical definitions so also encouraging opportunities to immerse ourselves into this new environment as a curious explorers… not with an agenda to accomplish but just allowing expansion opportunities to arise just through pure curious exploration of the culture and the land. Now ideally our intention is to expand into a global community… so going to diverse locations again not to change anyone to become what we are… but to be able to have the diversity exist and actually experience the benefits of community even when we have differences. Differences doesn’t automatically apply as negative or bad… at least it creates interest since its a different approach of viewing reality. At least I’d hope it creates interest… hehe… it would be great if we already had a community established which could be a base where we can get our feet wet… when their our challenges that arise again a community to where we can rest and regroup before giving it another go. But its pretty impressive how the Mormons have been able to build this system… I think I saw there is about 88,000 current missionaries at any given time serving missions in over 400 mission locations… an entire system that helps gets passports and visas… preparation through language education and culture… its pretty cool in my opinion. When looking at the types of visas I always thought it would be cool to have a visa for spiritual purposes because the amount of time that can be spent in this country is far greater than a regular visitors visa. I know the Mormons primarily focus these missions for people under the age of 25, and throughout their lifetime they may participate in possibly two missions. Well… this would be a practice I’d like to implement for all ages… and to do it as many times as we are called to personally. Hmmm… i was just thinking that it’s fairly easy for American Mormons to travel for their missions around the world…. But I don’t know if this applies to Mormons outside of America… is it just as easy for them to travel for missions? I have a Mormon buddy in Peru… I wonder if the access is similar or not? Hmmm… this could be technically be part of the discipline, correct? I know I read things about distinct from existing religions… it’s definitely similar but yet it’s different as well… that’s what I feel like I’m doing is taking traditional religious practices but putting a twist on them and collaborating them together… there’s a lot about global community ideas I was having… but I feel like I’m winding down for the night. It’s getting late again and so we’ll just continue this next time. Good night!

Alright… good morning! So where was I? Organization and clutter… so there hasn’t been an established group of what we could call permanent staff or devotees because community isn’t the strongest suit that has been built here. And there’s a revolving door of volunteers that pass through here… geesh can I remember how many volunteers that have been here in the past six months? Let’s see if I can get a pretty accurate number here… I’d say between 15 to 20 volunteers… where 2 left before the 2 week mark which is supposed to be the minimum requirement. When it comes to the devotees and their families… there are 10 which includes the owners… where three are rarely seen on property of the temple or farm. So these are the ones who live on property but this temple also has a large amount of community service helpers and Mormon service missionaries that filter in and out on the regular basis. What I’m trying to get to is… when a volunteer comes to the property… since there is not much organization… half of the time we’re looking for supplies and tools to be able to accomplish what’s asked from us. Now general statement here… but because this is the majority of the “staff” to maintain and grow the property… the mindset isn’t necessarily sustainability.. its a very temporary get this done attitude. And there is lack of accurate and suitable tools and supplies available and not much direction or instruction to accomplish tasks… things are just slapped together. So efficiency isn’t a focus here… sometimes I feel its because it just gives people something to do..hehe. Tasks are being done repeatedly over and over again… I feel the leader who wants tasks done are also not as forward thinking about sustainability. Everything seems like an emergency so people just try to get projects done quickly… and maybe that’s because we just don’t know if anyone will be here the next day… so trying to get people to finish the project they started might be more important than taking our time and require the proper supplies and tools and instruction to accomplish projects that works and lasts so we aren’t constantly band-aiding projects all over the property. This is something I’d like to tackle as soon as possible. Being able to organize the tools but also removing and clearing out spaces. This might go ahead and lead to an app I would like to be able to create some organization to the volunteers and service members. But I also want to address the mindset of our leader to help projects build and be successful, not sure if that’s the right word… but let’s see how to explain my thoughts. So the owners have built and maintained this property… this is their baby and so I realize there is a different attachment to the property than anyone else. But it also shows the mentality of the development of how forward thinking we are dealing with at the same time. So generally the wife is responsible for the temple “staff” and projects to maintain the farm and temple. While the husband is the “preacher” and festival, radio, promoter of the property. So I’ve drawn closer to the wife. Again I do respect her but I continue to let people know that spiritual work… majority of the time it’s experience what we “don’t” want to continue to do… people show and demonstrate behavior we want to avoid. And also because I’ve been able to really develop self observation and contemplation I’ve been able to see this in myself and see how it’s evolved. So she’s the top of the pyramid here when it comes to the “workers”. She is what we would call a workaholic… which again I can relate to because I was there myself at a time in my life. She has a mindset that doesn’t trust the people who come in and and help… if she’s not doing it… well now out her age… if she’s not a bit of a micromanager than it’s not going to get done properly… which really this is far more nuanced than what I can explain as I type this out. Because in some situations she’s right there and other she allows us to do it without her.. so micromananger might not be the appropriate word. But we’ll just focus on the when the temple was opened in 2001… she’s pretty much worked every day without a break. I’ve tried to get a real example of what types if any vacations she’s been able to have in this time period. I guess the most recent was a few years back they went to an animal sanctuary for a weekend here in Utah. I think earlier on prior to opening the temple there was much more traveling in her history. But since the opening of the temple.. 23 years ago… I’m going to generally say which isn’t accurate but I’d say a couple of years she might take a weekend or possibly a week off. So out of 276 months of opening she literally might have taken off 2 or 3 months… now even if she has taken 10 months out of 276… I feel this is crazy… hehe… definitely what I would call a workaholic… Now I don’t want to go into why she has done this… I want to go into what I don’t want to do. I would not like to be at the top of a pyramid. With this big of project there would be a team of leaders who help maintain and create visionary future projects to come… and I’m assuming this team will morph and grow with new members and different numbers as reality ebbs and flows. But I highly value rest and relaxation so people are at 100% of energy or as close to it… 75% might be acceptable… but anything below this isn’t really effective work results… again in my opinion and just giving the idea that…. People should have the ability to have time off to relax and explore. Many creatives get inspiration from diversity… so the team members are going to be encouraged to get off property and explore and vacation… so instead of having to talk to one person to see what is supposed to be done on a daily basis… we all have an understanding where the direction of the projects are going… and are familiar with how we’d like to get these projects accomplished at the time.. so when someone wants a day off or a heck a month off… they can. No one will feel like everything will collapse without their presence. The team will trust one another and the process… which might not be present at first, but we are gong to be working on raising consciousness which means observing our emotional reactions and self talk… and putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations to our own personal extents. So again I would not have this property attachment as my own child or baby… but that doesn’t imply that I wouldn’t feel responsible for being a steward of the space or land. I would take this seriously… however… I trust the perfection of reality and have the perspective that my bodies responsibilities will not last as long as the temple farm land will last in this reality… so I’d do my best but realize future generations will be coming in and evolving with the times so constantly teaching and encouraging for everyone to teach what they are doing so we aren’t the specialist in a specific area… so again building skills in everyone and dropping the sole responsibility and the creation of the only one who can get it done right mindset. So…. I’ve been thinking about an app being used at the temple. Now technology isn’t the wife’s best friend… hehe… of course she uses it but not to degrees say my generation is and definitely not to the youth… so yes… I’d start moving the encourage technology far more than what is happening currently. So we can start with the app for the volunteers and service members who come on property… it would be a map to locate the buildings and areas on the property… where tools can be found and where it should be returned. It’s kind of a joke but I was speaking to a computer programmer about possibly having the app be playful to encourage us to clean up after ourselves with the projects.. tools get placed anywhere and everywhere on project so somehow be able to track where the objects are placed and who had the tool so there’s a target area to return it to and it can be rated of how well our organizational skills are but truly being mindful that someone after your tools use will want this tool and would love to be able to go to the location and get it without spending unnecessary time to try to find it. But to actually have a set location in the first place to find it would be a start. And the tools we have would need to be looked at… I mean we use brooms, rakes, and shovels often on this property and they are not in the best of shape and very few of them available to use. Again I understand that many of us volunteers don’t respect the tools that have been given to us because we personally don’t spend expenses to purchase them… so some can be more careless with tools… but also people purchasing the tools want to save on expenses instead of paying more to have more quality… so of course this is something to create balance in and will be maleable. But there will be a big picture of what projects that are actually going on at the property. When we first arrive many don’t realize the organic farm or animals, or building projects… again most of this information is inside a single leaders head… so we’d like to share the common daily and seasonal tasks that maintains the activities of the property… and also future visions of where projects are leading to. Everyone that arrives have different personalities and experience they are bringing with them. So if someone is coming onto property because they need to do 5 hours of community service… then we’d have options for them to choose from… ideally if they want to be alone doing this… or work in a group project… this would be organized for them to do this. Jobs can be rated by difficulty levels as well… but volunteers say who want to be here for six months can have a better idea of not only the daily duties but start to look at the seasonal duties… and depending on their history of knowledge… step up to give advise and feedback in areas where we might not have direct experience and assist in tangible steps to take because of experience… i think that makes sense… I’ve met so many amazing people come through here which have passions in permaculture or animals… or many things… and instead of trying to hear what they’ve found successful in their experience… there’s a traditional way of doing things here so we just keep playing the same old record over and over again… I feel if we can have both of these playing along side would be nice especially when it comes to gardening and permaculture… we can continue some practices that have been found to work in this location… but also have space to try and research alternative options that might be successful or not… so I’m all for exploring and not afraid of making mistakes… this is where creativity really kicks in… so encouraging people to try ideas out… and again at a personal and group levels. I don’t want this pyramid… I’d like everyone to be comfortable being leaders and sharing leadership roles… able to lead in one project we have the most experience and inspiration while at a different project allow someon else to step up because they have the most experience and inspiration in this particular project… so encouraging to build and empower ourselves… not a hierarchy model. Now it might look like this at first but it will be a deliberate attempt to teach, but also have the students start teaching fairly quickly to newcomers while the original teacher observes and assists when needed… if anyone has taught anything… we learn far quicker and deeper when we teach… we start to break it down differently when trying to explain to someone else than just automatically doing something… so we become more mindful. And the original teacher has had more time to be mindful in this particular areas so again… be able to assist in areas that are missed but also have constructive feedback for the student. Communication is key… but anyway this can be the basics of the app…. But I’d like to have it be able to have links to instruction videos as well… if say someone isn’t around and they want to be introverted at the time so they can pop up a video that demonstrates how to accomplish the duty. Things continue to pop up like possibly being able to help assist the international volunteers with possible international licenses, phone service assistance.. things to make it easier for them to be welcomed and comfortable as they arrive to a new country. I’ll get to the larger picture of a global community later but I’m trying to stay local at this time with the ashram idea… specifically if this Utah property is something I’d like to really engage with. So I guess I’m going to tackle the devotees for a second now… there seems to be a hierarchy that is being encouraged from my observation. I’ve been learning about their philosophies and I know I’m not going to do this justice but there are different classes to the human race. Which works together to create a whole… simply what I’ve been seeing is their are priests here and for some reason the responsibilities seems to only pray and do offerings and not necessarily contribute to the community. There are four whom I’ve been observing where it looks like when we are struggling in an area there’s not a willingness to step in and assist. It’s as if this assistance is below them. I’m not certain I agree with this… their mindset has a specific way of what is considered spiritual practices… so again serving at a temple has priority over say helping organizations that might be involved with community service… and also down to just helping someone who is not a part of this community isn’t favored… what I’m tying to say is the mindset is not very expansive… its very narrow and specific. I’d like to encourage a broader view of what is spiritual practices… hehe. Again the changes I would like to develop further and not right away just because I think such drastic changes will shock people… and of course I have no authority to place this but again I get to use this space for imagination… ideally this wouldn’t be a specific temple to a set belief system… it would just be a temple open to everyone and anyone… so say this is set into place… what would the priests do? If they are not encouraged to sit in the spotlight to preach… but placed an any of us equal to share our practices and beliefs and experiences… but also being the listener and listen to anyone who wants to share their practices. Let’s even take it a step farther… I’d like the altar with the deities and the statue of the guru placed outside of the temple and possibly into the homes of the devotees… so their rituals can continue and be much more intimate… and they have the opportunity to share this intimacy to ones who are interested in participating… so if this is removed from the temple… what will the priests do to contribute to the community? Will they start to realize the system behind the temple that allows and affords them to practice their spiritual practices so freely? Will they start to see how much work and effort it takes to maintain this property and would they be inspired to actually be a participant to help in the maintaining this space instead of expected everyone else to do this and this isn’t their responsibility? To be honest this is why I deeply respect the wife say in comparison with the husband…. She is the foundation to allow this entire property to exist… and since she’s taken on this responsibility in possibly a degree of extreme intensity without caring about her own wellbeing… has allowed her husband to have much more time to relax and travel to be able to “preach”… everyone comments on how she’s negative or rude or whatever, but anyone working this much on such a large project without rest would presumably be the same. I’ve tried to encourage her to rest and relax and release the reigns of responsibility to others to hopefully have her be more aware of how much better she feels when resting… and how the property doesn’t collapse when she’s resting. And also in these past six months… I’ve seen a change… granted a very subtle small change on how she communicates… but I observe it.. so I know the rest is helping her out. Just because I’m promoting rest… it’s just there seems to be an unbalance in our societies mindset… People like to work as well… I’d just like to be inspired to work or help because we want to not that we feel obligation to. And again if we’re talking black and white… our help will be far more effective when helping at 100% compared to 10% energy levels. There are three devotees that I see who are actively involved in maintaining the property to function… is there a correlation going on here… possibly because of the hierarchy that has been programmed into them? The three who are making sure the system is moving forward are all females. And the priests are all males… hmmm… I’m about equality in gender roles, but yes we can see when there seems to be an imbalance in our mindsets. I mean I experienced for myself as being a female who’s passion is spirituality and Enlightenment… and where some do not take me seriously just because of my gender. I mean there aren’t too many examples of Enlightened females in history.. I think it’s pretty cool when I found about the Buddhist Enlightened Goddess Tara with all her different shades of colors to represents a complex personality we all have… we actually share the same name… love that! I’m around more Asian Indians being here and how I pronounce my name is the same way their word for star is… so it’s cool to hear people be able to remember how to pronounce my name… when most of my life people wouldn’t remember because a different way to pronounce it here in the states is more common than when my dad read the word Tara and had his own way of pronouncing it. Many will ask if I was named after the goddess or the stars? I laugh and say nope… I was named after the warrior princess in the warlord comic book series. Anywho… straying away from the topic… But yes if the removal of the specific spiritual practices are removed to allow everyone to enjoy this space in our own way… three of them would still be able to continue without a glitch because they already have an understanding how this community lives without these material symbols of spiritual practices. I’m not certain if their service they are already devoted to is considered devotional service in their minds… I would definitely consider them to be… and it’s funny when I explain this to guests that I’m explaining a more ideal approach to what devotional service is than what actually happens to most of our approaches, but that’s just how it is at times. Anyway… the remaining three devotees are two teenagers and a wife who works off property to make an income outside of her husband’s volunteering. That would be something to look at too… allowing volunteers to also have jobs if they choose to. It would be nice to have them remove themselves away for a temporary period of time… but some also would like to stay in this environment but also not feel like they solely reliant on the temple as well…which is healthy. Right now this is frowned upon… possibly because again they aren’t really trying to build long term community… if most are here for a very short period of time.. then they’d like the energy to be focused on assisting the community… however, if anyone wants to stay for months if not years… these rules should not apply.. Geesh I feel like there’s so much to continue and it feels like I’m only scratching the surface.. but let’s just keep moving on to get to the larger picture. So say the temple get’s transformed to where the primary focus isn’t to make money and to preach… then what would the space be used for? Well the temple upstairs should just be sacred space for majority of the time for personal connection… I also feel having some group sharing opportunities in the space is also very beneficial. We would have to get a new elevator because there are mobile restrictions to some of our guests who are not able to actually see the temple because it’s upstairs. Some have asked if there are pictures to see what it looks like. I took my IPad upstairs and did a video of the space for her to view to get a sense of what’s up there… but again this is a theory approach and not an experiential approach… she would gain much more value if she could get upstairs herself and take her time to explore and observe how her body, mind, and spirit responds to the space. And so if we remove the clothing and jewelry in the gift shop area… I’d also move the desk office area in the nook out of the temple which again just collects clutter… this can be in a personal location… but it does have some intimate qualities to this nook so this could be the library section where people can come and read literature if they wish. Like a library they would be able to take it for a period of time and return it once they are finished. For guests who don’t live here locally can have the opportunity to donate to take the literature with them. But there will be empty space which sounds wonderful to me… but upstairs in the temple will allow this… empty space is so satisfying… but since there are still going to be some more of an active activities here such as the dinner area. So I figured we’d have a conversational lounge for the visitors and community to share with the visitors too. Again we’d be encouraging sharing are diverse backgrounds so having spaces to encourage conversations will be designed in the layout. There are tables setup up for the buffet and since we’ll reduce the buffet to the weekends.. during the week the tables can be used for conversations as well but we could possibly use it for classes as well. So I like the increasing of a vegetarian diet for us. I’m much more flexible in my personal diet, but I feel changing my awareness to my diet has been crucial for my spiritual expansion. So I’m on board with promoting more awareness to our diets. So helping the public learn delicious vegetarian dishes would be helpful for our local community outside of the property. There are vegans who visit and we could also have classes with this as well. Now I’d keep it vegetarian like it is currently… “ish”…. There are some items that aren’t included on the property now that I would allow in these classes and into the buffet dishes too… the first thing is mushrooms… they do not allow mushrooms because they are a fungus and not a vegetable or fruit… with all the benefits mushrooms allows for our digestive health let alone how huge they are for our natural landscapes… mushrooms are going to be our friends here. Now we are all about consent so it’s not like we’re going to force anyone to eat them who wish not to participate… but this is not going to be a forbidden ingredient… hehe.. same as onion and garlic… I’m not knowledgeable about Ayurvedic diets; however, again I’d like to encourage this as a personal choice… especially if we are getting taught to cook.. if one decides to flavor the dishes with onions and garlic that is their choice. but I would have to say that not promoting cooking meat in the temple is still very much encouraged. Appetizing dishes without meat and ease of preparation and cooking will help encourage us to add more dishes of this manner is beneficial. Another thing is there is so much sugar being used in the dishes right now… For some reason our cooks feel like our vegetables should be sweet as well… maybe because its frowned about by the owners to use spices… hehe this might have Indian food but it’s not what people think of Indian food when it comes to the spice levels… again which is absolutely fine but teaching about the spice pallet flavors and then allow us to adjust to our own desires is wonderful. Just like sugar… I had reduced sugar in grand amounts before arriving here on property.. and now I see myself needing a sugar kick every other day.. hehe… so teaching alternative sweeteners and again if someone wants to add sugar to their dishes… they can do this personally but not assume everyone wants to taste sweetness especially when vegetable are delicious just by themselves… some of us enjoy our veggies taste. Also there is no recycling system here.. now they do reduce their food waste by feeding the llamas with the scraps from preparation which is great… but in a kitchen there are a lot of waste from can goods, plastic and glass bottles, cardboard…etc. and being able to develop and maintain and grow this awareness is something I’d like to encourage. What I’ve heard this isn’t necessarily in the mindset of Utah government or residents… so it would be nice to try to encourage this… and again not because I’m an expert… I just know increasing our awareness for future generation is healthy for our society. I’ve personally been gaining awareness in reducing and reusing, but recycling is something I’m getting my toe wet with… so I could get more help in this area as well. But anyway… having cooking classes throughout the week is what I’d like to encourage. People who are attending the class can prepare, cook, and eat together… I can’t explain how much I enjoy this. This is one of the favorite activities I share with my family members… we have Sunday dinners and being able to help make the homemade egg noodles and chopping up the chicken… possibly helping with the deviled eggs with family members preparing their own dishes to share is so satisfying. And I wish for every holiday especially Christmas time… waking up and preparing and cooking a brunch together and eating in it with each other again is so desirable… so yes we can have classes but also just having community building time to prepare, cook and eat with the members of the community is a good thing. Now yesterday I mentioned the clothing and what to do with this… So again most of these items are donated… so actually allow people who want these items to give a donation for the items… we place these price tags on the items and some can be hundreds of dollars… I don’t agree with this approach… of course I’m not rolling in the dough either… but value of an item is personal… we dont’ want to be a storage of nice clothes… we want people to enjoy the clothes we have and take it away from the temple and wear it wherever they go and possibly returning to the temple with the outfit they got here… but literally use the word donation as something the buyer decides not the seller… we say the buffet is a $10 donation… there’s been a few times where people are unable to pay the $10 dollars… I allow them to eat and give what they can. I’d be doing this for the clothes as well.. Some may think $20 for a top is nothing to their expenses while someone doesn’t have the budget for that top… why not just allow people to donate what they feel is the value they can give? We are getting these clothes for free anyway. And why not allow volunteer hours stack up to use the facility in different ways such as getting clothes or participating in classes? Any way I want classes everywhere…. Hehe… I’ve wanted to create nonprofit about learning…but also a community design that focuses around learning… it’s so valuable… but let’s get to this at another time… it’s lunch and I’m getting hungry. Also we’ll be leaving in the afternoon to go swimming and hiking so I might come back after lunch but most likely it will be late tonight or tomorrow… again I just have a lot on my mind that I’d like to share and get out of my mind. Ok.. until next time… have a good one

Well… it’s been awhile since I’ve written and there seems like there’s things that have happened that could be highlights… I guess I”ll just mention a few, but there’s something on my mind that I think journaling on here would be great to get down my thoughts. Let’s see… the last time I wrote was March 7th… so I did get an invitation to sing backup for a band at the festival of colors here at the temple. It was my first time singing on stage with a band and there were around 5,000 people so that was cool and it was quite fun! It was like a swing rock band and yes I really enjoyed that. It was the last weekend of March. It’s the main event of the year here at the temple and it was fun for a one time thing, but it’s not really my style of festival. Yes everyone loves the whole color aspect of it… throwing dyed cornstarch, but wow the cleanup is something else and all the plastic that is till being found on property from time to time because there’s so much trash that gets left behind… and combing the grass!?! Not sure if that’s the healthiest for the grass… but the guests seems to really enjoy it. And the temple has four llcs that I know of and it all seems to revolve around the festival. They have one for the admittance for the festival, they sell the colored power as another llc because they sell and ship the colors for other events that happen throughout the year, they have the third llc with the food they make and sell at the festival… I’m not sure if it’s also the same llc when it comes to the daily buffet… the last one they have is selling llamas which isn’t part of the festival… but I understand this is the one event that pretty much funds the temple monetarily I guess. But when it comes to this festival there is so much storage that is taken up for the event. There’s such a huge building which loooks like it would be a really cool space to use but it’s now just storage. I’m guessing it wasn’t built to be a storage space, but that’s what they talk about a lot… and they seem very proud of the results of how the event has taken them thus far. I’m not really sure if I feel it’s that successful because they don’t really have much of a “congress” i guess or their definition of devotees from this festival. People just come for the one day to enjoy but it doesn’t necessarily get them to want to explore what the temple is actually for. A week after the festival my buddy from Sweden came to visit me here at the ashram for two weeks. I really enjoyed having him around. We hadn’t seen each other in person in like 5-6 years, but it was easy to be around each other. He didn’t know what he was getting into while he was here… I tried to explain, but words just don’t give an encompassing ideas of what the actual experience can relay. But I think for the most part he enjoyed himself. The favorite thing he enjoyed was when we went camping on the full moon night in the desert with another friend. He has never done any psychedelics before and I wanted to do a Bufo ceremony for myself since it had been awhile, but I did invite them to join if they wanted to. It was not planned out, but they both said yes and they were both very timid especially since it was being smoked. My Swedish friend hasn’t really smoked before… he said he had done hooks maybe a hand full of times but not really. I didn’t get their permission about writing about their experience. But it went well for first timers. They definitely understand what I keep trying to explain that conversation will never grasp what ceremony is until they actually do it. I wouldn’t say they went in as deep as I would like… lol… I had to give them both shotguns of smoke for the first round. And I gave them a second round later by the fires and they did it on their own and it looked like they were giving their best effort. So it went exactly how it should’ve gone… just like it always does. I had my own issue I was working through during our camping trip that I knew I was going to face and observe to see how I responded to it. I was trying to not sleep on the same mattress as my Swedish buddy in the tent. I was saying how I’ll just sleep outside watching the stars, but I also ended up just giving in because I was making it much more of a bigger deal than it should have been… mostly in my mind… he is a very sweet man… and I trust him and goodness… it’s been a lifetime since I’ve cuddled with a man at night. So we did cuddle that night and I enjoy being held and touching another body… nothing intimate just companionship type. And I enjoyed it. In fact I had to tell him before he left that it has been a very long time since I’ve had that type of closeness… yes it wasn’t any kissing or sensual situations… but hugging and holding seems very intimate nowadays.. and so I told him this is why it might have felt like I was being a bit awkward… When he was done packing and we were about to head to the bus stop together I went ahead and jumped in his lap and held each other… because damn it…. It feels good to embrace. I use to be such a touchy feely person and I’ve noticed that I rarely touch anyone anymore… but I have been getting back to hugging people more. I love to hug and I feel like its become more natural again. We actually spoke to each other for the first time since he left today over video chat. It’s very easy to speak with him… because of our conversation is why I figured I can do some journaling tonight. I have found a neighborhood horse that is by itself in a smaller-ish pen that I’ve been visiting and while I was walking back I was like… yeah maybe we can write this stuff down… some of the insights I’ve been thinking about since I’ve been at this ashram for six months. I’ve been wondering what all I can be gaining and learning as I’ve been here… and there’s been a lot of rest and purging… but ideas have also been intriguing me a bit more so I think I’ll go ahead and write it out. Ok.. how do I start this? So… since my transition I’ve been observing the changes that have been going on in my reality now. Most of the messages I was receiving last time I was in my Aya and master plant dieta which now involves working with people… like collaborating with people. Prior to the Awakening most of my messages were very personal on what changes I can do to elevate my consciousness… but now I’m moving into a new direction… it’s not necessarily new since I’ve always wanted to better my skills in collaboration.. but it seems like the dynamics is much more connected into a web that continues to form in the back of my mind. And also understanding more of how the collective is part of who I am… the approach so far is far more passive. lol… I’m not sure if it makes sense but when I was working on my personal lessons it seemed like it was easier for me to make decisions in a more assertive way. Even though I still have assertive qualities, but when I’m searching for collaborators I feel most of my time is being passive and observant and curious to the people who are in my reality at this time. So… I’ve been trying to see why I was drawn to stay in this ashram at this time? First of all…. This has been the first actual ashram that I’ve ever stayed in. I’ve been looking to be involved in an ashram for six-ish years now… since I’ve consciously started my Spiritual journey. Wanting to have a space where I can focus on integration with the messages I’ve received and before I found this space… I assumed that I would have to be identified or label to a specific Eastern tradition to be able to be allowed to stay at an ashram. I remember when I was in Peru after my dieta thinking I’m going to have to go to India or something to find an ashram… my body was yelling at me to go and figure out what the hell just happened to me.. lol. I even did Sadhguru’s inner engineering program to be able to go and be a volunteer while I was at my dad’s before I decided to just stay there… because in a way it was a type of ashram as well. He allowed me so much space to just explore myself. And I’m so grateful to have him as a father who can allow me a year to digest what happened to me. I again thought it was time for me to start earning the bucks to get onto my journey with my visions hence I moved to Utah for the wilderness therapy gig… but shortly into the move I found an ashram that allowed me to stay. Again I’m extremely grateful to be able to find a place to continue my rest and understanding. I’m not certain this is a typical ashram though… lol… but it was the ashram I was supposed to find because there’s been so much I’ve been able to gain value as I’ve been here. I was very hesitant moving onto property because of the owners here. I’m going to try my best to portray my feelings without disrespecting them. But the personalities they have formed for themselves is typically not my cup of tea. And normally I wouldn’t have even given it a chance… but putting myself into uncomfortable situations has always been beneficial in my growth. I too wanted to see if or how I would be able to engage in this environment. I can say that I’m proud of how well I’ve been handling myself with such domineering personalities. It’s definitely similar to a my way or the high way type of thing here. They were told right off the back briefly about my Aya shamanism practices which has guided my spiritual practices along with yoga techniques. But not much detail went into this conversations because they aren’t really interested in getting to know what that actually means. I might be a broken record but they are more of the preaching way instead of the conversational way. They only want to tell their views of the “right” spiritual practices and have no interest in practices that aren’t their way. So I respected this and I did not go into details with them. I’ve been patient and I did actually get a chance to discuss this further on Thursday with one of them when we had a round trip of 3 hours in the car together. I was surprised she even asked more about it. It has only taken six months of time together for her to be curious enough to ask about my spiritual practices. It was nice to see that she was curious… I’ve been trying to demonstrate the difference between preaching and embodiment. And eventhough it’s a longer process to observe behavior… being patient and just being myself… I figured some day their might be conversations about how my approach to spirituality is eventhough it differs from their personal choice. Let’s just say… they’ve been looking for someone to take over and manage their property for around ten years now. There has been several devotees that have come and tried, but it doesn’t take long for them to give up on pursuit because of the owners personalities. I’ve heard that if the owners decide to actually leave for their retirement that most of the devotees who were interested in managing would return in a heart beat… but they aren’t going anywhere. That’s actually what I joined her in the car ride. She and her husband are finally going to build a separate cabin specifically and mostly for them to enjoy their remaining time in their bodies. They’ve been living in the basement of the shared cabin where all the volunteers stay while they are here. She finally said that it would be nice for them to have privacy. I agree and have the opportunity to rest in a deeper manner without having to engage with volunteers 24 hours a day. I know part of it is that they think they are living a selfless and simplified manner by living with the volunteers, but I also know that part of them doesn’t trust anyone so they didn’t trust having volunteers at the cabin without supervision. But they both turned 78 this year and they have decided that it’s time to be more in solitude when they aren’t active in temple activities. I’m glad they are going to do this for themselves. It’s not selfish to want this for themselves. Regardless of what I might say next, they have dedicated their lives to their spiritual practices to the best of their capabilities and they do deserve and be worthy of doing this for themselves. Now even though I’m proud of how I’ve done so far in this dynamic… I do have to admit that it’s been extremely challenging. There’s a lot of negativity and disrespect when it comes to conversations dealing with them… and I’ve been finding that there has been many months of being passive and not reactive to how much I dislike this behavior. It’s really uncalled for and their is far more effective ways to communicate, but again they are only doing the best of their abilities… I understand this, but in another way… the leaders are the example and to talk like a human a bit more… if I was a devotee of these leaders… I’d be a bit embarrassed or ashamed that they are the example to follow. It might be harsh but it is true. They definitely aren’t up to the standards I hold myself and that’s fine. That’s why it’s challenging for me to work anymore because the leaders I’m supposed to being working under just aren’t up to par. But that’s here nor there at the moment. Welp… Friday I showed a little bit of attitude when I was dealing with her as we were working with the llamas and a few volunteers. Granted… i do not mind at all helping her with chores she wants to do… but I’m at the limit it seems of how she communicates her wants. It is going to seem very picky because I’m only going to be giving one example which isn’t really going to explain the actual daily way of the communication we live with. But it seems like there has been buyers who are interested in purchasing some llamas right now. I might have my own personal issues of dealing with this along with how she barks instead of talks to us…. That led me to push at her buttons a bit. So the first buyer was coming and we had prepared around eight llamas by grooming them before they showed up to view and select. We were finishing up and she said she’d like to go ahead and take pictures of four alternative llamas that will be available for the second buyer in a month or so. We are short handed on the farm right now and with this being spring fever season… we usually don’t have the males and females together in the same area. And we definitely saw why… they haven’t had time in each others space and they get completely excited and don’t care what we have for them to do… hehe… I’m not sure why they haven’t been able to “play” together yet either… but this is not my call. Anyway the plan was to grab the four boys and quickly walk them through the barn where some of the ladies were and get them to an area on property where we’ll groom them and then take pictures. Well… as we are trying to get the boys out of the barn onto the property she was yelling at us to grab the brushes so we can groom them… we were just trying to get them out without any direct interactions but when we had to grab the brushes the male and females started to engage and of course they started to go nuts… not in a bad way… they were just all very excited to be around one another… and even though they get trained doesn’t mean they want to listen when they finally get a chance to be around the girls… hehe… so they are cheering and they are very strong so getting them away from the girls is not any easy task. We finally get them onto property and we start to groom them and a minute into brushing… which means we didn’t even really get a start she starts to yell at us to let’s go ahead and take pictures. I asked her… did you not want us to groom them for the pictures? She said never mind that just take pictures now. And for some reason it triggered me… hehe… i tossed my brush in the air and said well ok… this is bullshit but whatever she wants we better follow her demands. I led my llama to her and said llama… you better stand right here and don’t move because this is what she wants from you. Someone passed me a piece of straw grass and I said llama you better eat this grass right now because she told you, you have to eat it right now. She didn’t like the side view shot and wanted a different angle and I said man llama… why don’t you read her mind and do exactly what she wants the first time. She hasn’t had me respond this way to her before and she actually chuckled when she saw that she got under my skin a bit. Plenty of volunteers and devotees lash out back and forth but I’ve been able to stay calm until that day…hehe. And its just again holding in all these thoughts which isn’t healthy but I think it’s the respectful thing to do… to not feed her negativity, but i guess my reaction was fire with fire… of course it wasn’t that crazy disrespectful or anything, but again when it never happens it does create a response of woah… something just happened that doesn’t happen… of course my hope is for her to evaluate what might have gone down for me to react in this manner… but I already know she just told everyone I was in a bad mood. I said just because I’m trying to train her that I’m not going to continue to respond nicely if she chooses to only bark and not talk. And just because I’m not appreciating how she treats us doesn’t mena that my whole day is going to go sour and I’m upset with the whole world now. There just seems like there is always a state of emergency and importance to everything she wants done when she speaks her desires to the volunteers. Granted its not all the time… but I’d definitely give it a 60% of the time this is how she speaks to everyone. Taking pictures of the llamas is not an emergency and it wasn’t really of importance either. She even mentioned that she’ll have to probably take new pictures after they are groomed… ummmm…. Exactly… she couldn’t wait what 15 minutes for us to groom them before taking pictures… since there was three of us for four llamas… it might have taken possibly 30 minutes to do them all… but we had the time… and why in the hell was all the yelling about grabbing brushes if we weren’t going to even use them? This is one of the ways… which I’m sure she’s not fully aware of… of how she drains energy from the people who are involved with the volunteer work. She sits on her throne and bosses everyone around to do her bidding. Again mostly there’s not a conversation in a civil voice and attitude of respect when asking us to do chores for her, but a demanding and yes I’m going to continue to say a disrespectful manner to how she communicates. Again she is the owner and she’s an elder…so majority of us want to respect her… but there’s not reciprocal respect and so our energy gets drained. Goodness I would absolutely not want to hear her internal conversation with herself. The way we treat and speak to people demonstrates a part of how we treat and speak to ourselves. I’ve been trying to give a little heads up to the new coming volunteers to not take how they communicate personally… however, it does show us things to work on ourselves by our reactions or our responses… observe how we feel when we are engaged in these types of conversations. Most of the people here to volunteer are more then happy to help out around the temple, but instead of being grateful to have people to help out… it’s as if we’re incompetent laymen who should be grateful to have the chance to help at this temple. Ok… I’ve been going on this rant… seems like I needed to purge this out… but I’m going to gather myself and redirect my initial intention of this entry. So the Ashram aspect…. This is definitely something I can see integrating into my future… especially an ashram farm. In theory I knew this would be something I could find beneficial but again…. I had to live it to see whether it was true or not. So my entire life is about raising our consciousness… and I’ve been interested in a global community in some fashion… and while I was speaking with my buddy today… I could actually start to see how it could work. Now just because I can see how it can work doesn’t mean it’s going to go exactly as planned… but yes… I’m starting to see how things can play out even in the rules of society at this time. Again how to explain the ideas that’s going on in my thoughts? There seems to be so many legs to this that the sequence could probably be better planned out as a discussion but… again this is my journaling style which seems chaotic because I just allow my thoughts to flow as they come… But maybe this is a lesson of patience for us all who happen to read these entries… hehe… I’ll get there! I know I’m going to be help and building communities… around the world. I already know of a community in a village in the Amazonas. In an intimate way I’ll be helping with the Aya retreat center to focus on ceremonies and master plant jungle farming… not to mention whatever’s going to happen with my vision of digging… but besides this the village itself is something I’d like to help assist with getting them to live a bit more comfortably than what it is now. A bit more comfortable so they can start using their energies in ways more than survival. So to try to just get it out briefly… a few things I’d like to suggest is the homes having more guards against insects… the build of the home a bit more sustainable with the materials we use. It would possibly be nice to also include bedding… many I know sleep on the wood floor or on hammocks… I’m trying to not suggest outrageous changes… but having better options to rest and relax is beneficial for everyone. Water… water seems like a primary focus for me lately when it comes to design… not saying that I have the answers yet but it seems like something that is important… the quality of water that is in the village can be looked at but also hydroelectricity for the village using the Ucayali river but the extreme seasons of rainy to dry is vast… how to harvest, store, redirect, and purify water is something I want the community and a team of experts and creatives to look at. The roads are dirt roads and not in the best of shape… again finding more sustainable materials would be preferable in my opinion… but also grading the land to help filter the water away or around the roads I feel is important which isn’t happening now. There’s a ton of rain during the raining season… I mean the village looks almost like a different village because there’s a lake or a large river actually through a good part of the town which isn’t there during the dry season. They know this and use to it… but instead of the rain washing away the roads and collecting and standing on the roads… grading the roads and landscape to divert the water… I don’t know if this is something they might be interested in… but using hydro agriculture at the side of the roads so when the water is being diverted into storage possibly plants can be hovering above the water so the roots are gaining it’s necessary benefits to grow. Again this is not something I’ve actually done… just saw some resources and dabbled into exploring… hence why I’d love to work with professionals and creatives who actually done this process to help steer designs that possibly might be effective. From one village to the next is quite a bit of distance… I thought it would be cool to be able to have edible healthy local foods along the roads for everyone to enjoy but also take care of. I’m not sure but I’m thinking there could even be a revolving crops where these roadside plants can be replanted into locations agreed upon… I mean not all of the plants have to be edible either… if there are certain wild flowers or grasses to transplant to locations again to assist in the initial phases. I’ve been dabbling in the gardens here… and thinking about the approach my shaman wants to do with the master dieta plants. I got the impression with the master plants we don’t do a standard farming in rows… we plant them in the jungle because the diversity and energy of the jungle plays a part in the healthy and potency of the effectiveness of the benefits the master plants get from growing in its natural environment instead of in rows where we are pulling out the so called weeds. “Weeds” and undesired plant… who decides this? With the revolving volunteers coming in and out… it’s interesting to see one group view what are weeds…. And then as a new group arrives… they weed almost everything except what we planted because their thoughts of an undesirable plants is far different from the original group. Again I don’t know which is more preferable since I’m a newbie to this… but it is interesting to observe. My initial thought is to allow more diversity into the soil but I also see in the general areas there’s an abundance of “foxtails” in the landscape… not talking about the gardens anymore. I hear these are not good for the llamas. I do seem them in some of the hay we purchased… so is the foxtail so abundant that it’s invasive? Again these ideas of what’s desirable or not… and to what extent of our decisions plays a role to the “health” of the ecosystem…. Interesting? I”m sure this is going to be more illuminated the more I dive into these areas. But back to the village… one more thing I feel like I’d like to address is trash. There’s already a small landfill starting in the village. They are starting to consume more and buy more “things” and there’s not a system setup to dispose of waste. Of course I’d like to promote Reduce and Reuse before recycle… but consumerism is newer to them… and trying to get them to not buy things that they see the people on the internet have… is probably asking too much from them… hehe… I’ll try to explain that there are many foundational issues that weren’t important until it was a slap in the face issue… so maybe we can look at the issues that has arrived from consumerism to countries of possibly the first-world countries and see if we can address them far earlier than the slap in the face. It’s already obvious in the cities in Peru, but it’s coming for the villages as well… we can see it as we’re floating down the river… I’d love to inspire this village to be one of the examples for villages around them… but I’ll soon connect this village with the larger picture to be able to be example globally not just locally. Now I have not been to the European countries for long periods of time. I know there are several countries who are leading a far more conscious manner towards sustainability responsibilities. In fact my buddy from Sweden is highly interested in these areas… it seems its very common for folks to be aware and conscious of their consumerism and have a head start in innovative design concepts. Which again plays a role in this global community I seem to be drawn to. I hope I get that far with this entry. But again… in a more direct manner to raising consciousness in a direct conscious manner is the Aya ceremonies. This seems to be more of a primary area of my attention before the village… I still feel like Awakening more of us so when we approach these community designs… we’re thinking more expansively and broader than before the transition. So… again this is something that I’m drawn to focus on… so when I have gone through my own spiritual practices before and after ceremonies… I would have loved an ashram to be able to actually rest and observe myself and how my perspective is changing due to ceremonies. So… another piece to the puzzle of helping in the Awakening process is also having my selected guest have access to an ashram. many will have to do much work to even be able to take time off from their societal expectations to go to ceremonies in the first place… I tell people a minimum of one month in the jungle… minimum… the more the better, but a month is a good start or introduction. lol… now… I’m also going to see who can give more time away from societal expectations to go to an ashram before to prepare for ceremonies… and then after to start to ground and guidance on how to integrate and embody lessons from ceremonies. So… again… geesh at least a month to prepare doesn’t seem crazy for me… but maybe even two weeks would probably be the minimum to prepare our psyche for ceremonies… really focusing on trust and surrender to fully be present in ceremonies… again wherever we are at is exactly where we should be… but sometimes I can be an idealistic type… so the longer to prepare would be ideal. So that’s six weeks already I’m asking for my selected guests. And this doesn’t even include the grounding and integration… I’d love to say two weeks, but this I feel should be minimum of one month. I”m already preparing the Aya ceremonies to integrate master plants and reducing the amount of Aya ceremonies and more time to integrate and prepare for the next ceremony… but I still feel it would be so beneficial to have a buffer at the end of ceremonies to allow time and space to grip the messages before one decides to get back into the swing of things before they left in the first place. So again I’d say a minimum of two months I’d be asking guests to take off for their spiritual growth… I mean many that I have been running into could do two months and more… we’ve already found the importance to have space and freedom to prioritize our spirituality… but I’m going to assume not all will have this from the start. Ok… the ashram… so as I’m here I’m asking why I’m here… I have an understanding now that an ashram is something I want to be involved with. Of course my first thought of assumption is…. Is this the ashram I’m supposed to be teaming up with? I still don’t know this answer but where I can go is looking at what I’ve observed at this ashram… what have I been able to learn to be able to apply. This has been established and it has its own momentum… and what if I was to be directly involved… what would change if anything and why? lol… this is a bit funny to me because I feel that it is obvious by now that change is where I lead towards… I feel there could be alternatives that can work better than the system that is here already. Why? Well… again this is a temple and I’m assuming that there is a desire for a community that will be involved in nurturing and building the temple for the future generations. This temple is not currently the best at building community. So… of course I’d like to change this… hehe. But let’s see if we can look at things I wouldln’t change… and as much as I’d like to be idealistic and look and imagine the future… I’ll try to keep it more practical and present to start with. This temple attracts interesting volunteers and guests to experience the temple life. I have met amazing people in the past six months living here and I feel this temple being a bit misplaced one might say and unusual seems to bring in curious minds. There’s a Hindu temple in the middle of Mormon land…. Curious minds are like… hmmmm… I want to check it out. So the design of the temple is beautiful and unusual for the landscape… that many locals love to come and take photoshoots just because of this. But again.. the volunteers have a minimum of a two week commitment if they want to be involved. Now a few of the volunteers haven’t made it to the two weeks… but more than average people decide to stay a bit longer though. So a temple that stands out and that is open to the public is something that I feel works. Now with this temple it also has been establishing a farm as well which I feel is another positive aspect. The owners have been establishing two organic gardens and a llama and peacock farm with two cows. It’s actually a sanctuary for a few llamas and parrots as well. As an animal lover I absolutely dig the fact that animals are integrated into this system already. Caring for the animals is very rewarding and just being around them brings peace and comfort and a ton of laughter. Watching the quirky behaviors of animals is quite humorous… and it’s very satisfying. The space energetically provides huge amounts of tranquility just being on the land which i love and would love to encourage the stewardship of the land itself. I mean… the wilderness and natural environments are more of my type of temple than a building is anyway… but the space inside the temple is beneficial as well. The location is pretty phenominal because we are surrounded by the mountains and when each evening at sunset they color in hues of pink and purples is pretty satisfying as well. So the foundation of this temple is positive… but I’m going to go ahead and move into the changes. This is just my opinion… and it’s my space to envision and contemplate… I haven’t even brought any of these ideas to the owners…. Again it took six months before they put down their walls to get to know a little more about me… originally I was just someone who can work on their projects and wouldn’t cause harm to them or their property. Now I’m starting to take steps into maybe a friendship relationship. But let’s see… So as a volunteer I feel like I’d like to start here. I realize there are many projects that need up keep at this location, but my opinion is that volunteers are desired here to work on the projects and to listen to them preach about their spiritual beliefs. I cannot help but be blunt about my opinion… but they are energetic bodies that are getting drained once they arrive unless they are aware of the energy resources. I’ve been trying to remind the newer volunteers to rest and rejuvenate… that this is an ashram as well… and not only does manual work take a lot of energy out of us… but again who our current leaders are… will also not hesitate to drain our energy as well… again I don’t think it’s intentional… but regardless.. it’s happening. The wife barks orders and demands attention and importance which takes energy. The husband preaches and is a one way conversationalist who demands attention and importance which takes energy too. I don’t really mention the owners being like energy vampires to most people… and I definitely don’t straight out say it but I try to remind everyone that our responsibility is 24 hours a week… the rest of the time we can rest. And honestly I put in more than 24 hours but 24 hours is set aside to do whatever specific tasks they ask of me… and I’ll do it willingly because I am a guest in their community and I respect what they are trying to provide. But I also like many of the chores… so the additional hours I Help with is… because I like to help and I see things that need to be done in areas that I enjoy. It doesn’t take a lot of my energy to do things that I’m not being told to do and I enjoy… but I also see… that if I try to do too many hours… I get depleted and also a bit more easily irritable. When I had the whole llama tiss with the wife on Friday… I worked two weeks straight without a full day of rest… so I’m not able to do this at this time or maybe ever… I’m uncertain.. but I’m taking my days off this week. She asked me if I wanted to help catch the koi fish this morning and I told her I wanted to rest… I got a hiking and swimming date tomorrow with two girls and a guy to get off property and enjoy Utah summer afternoon and evening in the mountains. So yes this would be something I would prioritize for the volunteers. I’d prioritize the ashram aspect of solitude and rest to disconnect from the societal conditioning of responsibilities to connect to our higher selves and giving space to communicate deeper to recontextualize our conditioning.. to purge and transmute… and then able to receive guidance from our intuition on the direction to go forward. Again… I’d be more about opening the doors to building a community instead of using people for a short period of time. I don’t have the same ideas of thinking this temple is the only “right” and ‘responsible” way to connect deeper in our spirituality either… many of the devotees primarily only stay at the ashram because there is a bit of a concept that the world is crazy and delusional and it’s best to stay away. I’d definitely be encouraging to have a bubble here at the temple temporarily but to also burst the bubble and get out. Utah has amazing landscapes so actually encouraging volunteers and devotees to go on a hike or camping… explore the landscape would be ideal. Many volunteers do not have vehicles when they arrive. Many of the international volunteers don’t have a valid international license either. So public transportation stays in the civilized areas of city life… but not to go out into the wilderness. There are vehicles here on property, but they are not easily accessible for the volunteers. So opening up this accessibility would be something I’d like to encourage. Housing options… ideally it would be great to have more housing options just to have more availability for more people to come and join but for now… there are seven rooms in the cabin available for volunteers. I happen to stay at the guest house only because I have a cat which wouldn’t get along with the cabin cat or who knows what could happen with the sanctuary parrots in the house… so I got lucky to have a little distance from the temple. Most of the time I’m here by myself. There aren’t too many guests who pay to stay here for a few days. In the six months there have been two families that have stayed here about a week each. There was one single lady who stayed one night. And then when we had festivals we’ve had devotee performers who stayed three nights. So not even a month worth of guest “rentals”. So without having to build extra buildings… I’d open up the guest house to volunteers as well. This guest house does not have a kitchen… and I’d update this somehow to give some type of opportunity to cook meals that we’d like. I’ve been primarily eating the same food for every meal for six months… Being away from a kitchen makes me want to savor having a kitchen again… hehe. I cannot wait to cook whatever I’d like to… hehe. Alright… going to the temple. So first of all to admit that I’m not really the commercializing thing… so I realize there is an expense to maintaining and growing this temple… but in my opinion how they are doing it wouldn’t be my approach. Again I’m thinking how to build community. So currently there is a gift shop and a buffet in the temple at the ground floor. The second floor is the temple space for meditation and worship. More than half of the gift shop is donated Indian clothes mostly like bridal or special occasion clothing… which isn’t necessarily the most popular option for people in Utah or people in general wear. Even Asian Indians I assume don’t always wear formal attire. So needless to say… not a lot of clothes are being bought. I was in the gift shop mostly through the winter and there were several comments about how it’s the same clothes year after year for the past ten years. They always hope there are new options but its the same things. They did actually find new things because We were receiving donations during the early spring so I was replacing the clothes to switch up the selection that I also saw wasn’t selling. So yeah half of the bottom of the temple is dedicated to items that aren’t even popular… so I’d get rid of the clothing and jewelry… now I have ideas of what to do with the fabric and notions but I’ll wait on that for now. To begin with I would still probably like to keep items to build an altar and the literature… oh… actually the llama section also sells so keep that if not expand it which could happen if we remove all the clothing and jewelry that hardly sells. So the other half is the buffet. Again in my opinion… I would not have this everyday open to the public. Most of the people who come to eat are here on the weekends. So Friday through Sunday… why? Well… There is a lot of expense that goes into the groceries… and because of the responsibility of having it everyday and having dishes ready to exchange on the buffet… it seems like the simple solution is to just keep buying in bulk and making the same things over and over again…which could change if we reduce the days. We could go to a more of a weekly grocery budget and literally have new items on the buffet for say Friday when the public can come and eat… so by Monday when the devotees and volunteers can eat.. we can still eat leftovers but also continue to have variety of choices and more of us to have the opportunity to cook and show the variety of dishes we can share with the community. The volunteers are a small group and we don’t need an entire buffet to eat each day… for five days we don’t need all the options and just cook normal meals again using up what wasn’t eaten during the weekend. We have a vegan chef volunteering here now and she’s been making a few different dishes and everyone i mean everyone is appreciating it! The Sunday service regulars who attend I would think would appreciate some variety even if they only come once a week… at least throughout the month they can get different options when they come too worship instead of the same thing over and over again… I might be making it a bigger deal but I very much value variety… and just like I cannot wait to have access to a kitchen… I cannot wait to buy a variety of ingredients as well… ha. Now… for the future… I have much more changes… but to start to put the toe into the water… this would be a good start. The clutter… this is huge and would be one of the first things I’d encourage to make the change to remove anything that is not being used off of property. Whether donation or selling… there is so much clutter of unnecessary stuff or junk wasting up good space. But there’s no organization to the tools and supplies for the temple of the farm. Ok… it’s very late… hehe… I think this is a lot and I’ve got so much more to express as well but I think I’ll go ahead and wait until next time. Good night!

“Through all of my lives I never thought I'd wait so long for you The timing is right The stars are aligned So save that heart for me Cause girl (boy) you know that you're my destiny Swear to the moon, the stars The sons, and the daughters Our love is deeper than the oceans of water Hey, I need you now I've waited oh so long yeah Baby love, I need you now I've waited oh so long” This song “Past Lives” by Borns is going over and over in my head. If you want to check it out you can listen to it Here on Youtube… enjoy! So… I’ve got this festival coming up at the end of the month… and I’ve been inviting friends to come and volunteer. I don’t know if anyone will be able to make it for the actual festival but my friend from Sweden will be arriving a few days after. We spoke a few days ago and showed me the location where he’s staying at in Columbia. It’s a really sweet little village… well not so little but still a beautiful location. He was trying to rub it in how he’s in paradise… paradise for me can look many ways, but seeing all the fruit trees did trigger a desire to eat some sweet fruits… Hawaii will have many opportunities for some fresh fruits… sounds amazing. I was trying to let him know what the rules are for being a volunteer at the temple and he seemed to feel like there wouldn’t be an issue. Eating vegetarian and no caffeine and volunteering 24 hours during the week wasn’t a problem for him. I was saying that I was trying to find people to host him so it’s like recruiting Couchsurfing hosts without them actually being involved with Couchsurfing before. I told him how I’m at the guest house but most volunteers will stay at the cabin with the owners. The guest house is usually reserved for the performers for the festival, guests who are willing to pay around fifty bucks per night, or if the cabin of volunteers is full. I spoke to an older gentleman who I find I chat with every Sunday. He came over Sunday after service to hangout and I mentioned it to him and he’s going to think about it. He said he has an older home and probably won’t be the ideal location. I said it’s not a big deal if he doesn’t feel comfortable to host… I just said that he likes to go on short hikes in the mountains in the surrounding area which would might be nice to join him with some good companions with interesting conversations. He was more interested in going on some little adventures more than anything. He use to travel all over the desert while he was young and more nibble. We were talking about navigation and he mentioned that he really never needed to use a map and compass because somehow he just never would get lost. It didn’t matter if he tried to because he would just be able to see the landscape and remember how to get in and out regardless of how many twists and turns. I hung out with two friends who I’ve really been enjoying our conversations when they come to eat on Saturdays. I went over to their house and met their two sweet rescue dogs. Pippa and Perry… oh my goodness they’re so adorable! Pippa wants all the attention and loving while Perry is timid and wants love but is very hesitant with a lot of attention. Perry has a perfectly marked heart on his body which I guess most people notice right away like myself. These guys are really comfortable for me. They say they’re more on the introverted side but I haven’t had any issue having deep conversations with them. They took me on a walk along the river walk which was really nice. I was asking them more about their histories growing up in a Mormon community. It was interesting what they have to say while they were growing up and going to school in this type of community. We discussed the positive and negative effects being involved with this history. They invited me for tea afterwards… they’ve started a selection of teas to enjoy. I had a combination of Hibiscus, Lemon balm, and Comfrey. They love plants and know quite a bit of information about them. I’ve always thought it was cool how they forage for “mountain salad”. Yes… I’m looking forward to building relationships with them. The current volunteers have been asking to hangout and play uno… normally I say yes, but lately I’ve been wanting to have more own space or maybe distancing myself with specific people. I’ve been enjoying challenging my mind with sewing projects and allowing my mind to ruminate over the grant. So I’m still trying to find the words to describe what I’m trying to create that is professional and organized while not being so airy-fairy and all over the place… hehe. I’ve been reaching out to the people I know that is going to be involved whether I get their consent to list their names or if I should list them as anonymous. Most of them have given me their consent; however, there are a few on the list that I haven’t asked them for consent but I know I want to involve them… but listing them as anonymous is rewarding as well because I know they’ll come on board eventually but whenever they choose is the right time for them will be the right time for us. It seems like the most cherished in my life are on that anonymous list…and are still my significant teachers and supporters… and I have the most patience with to allow them the space and time to see if they can find themselves and their visions would be able to be weaved into the projects I’m creating. I’m just really excited but very calm at the same time… I’ve got my sewing machine calling my name… so I’m going to get off here and finish up my projects. Until next time… enjoy yourself!

Alright… it’s been a good break and I’m starting to have things happening in my life that I feel would be beneficial to share… to see if I can gain any insights through the journaling process. So where to begin… well… I guess I can write about the things that are coming up within a month. So the grant proposal that I’m working on is going to be due a little over a month and I’m getting excited as I’m clarifying the vision for the next two years. And I’m trying to hint what will come after. But I also have started preparing my little buddy to travel to Hawaii… we’ll go in next week for his titer blood withdraw so he will be allowed to enter Hawaii again. I have a friend who is from Sweden who is coming to the States for the first time and it’s getting me excited yet there are things that are coming up that I think I want to address first. Yeah… I’ll start here and see where it goes. So I met him in Peru during a Couchsurfing situation. He owned a home that he used as a hotel and when there were empty rooms he would allow Couchsurfer come and enjoy the area and that’s how I met him. I feel like I’ve mentioned this before. I remember when I was there and the night I was going to go and meet him… I was finishing up ceremonies and I remember how excited I was to meet him… there was a weird occurrence which seemed similar to a ceremonial feeling and I didn’t really understand why I was so excited to meet him. I just want to be frank but I had a feeling that he was a potential romantic partner. Even though I am extremely drawn to the Australian man… I still have tendencies to be open to polyamorous situations… so at the time I was wondering if he was connect to the Aussie in some way. It didn’t turn out to be that but still we had a great time together but was very brief. We’ve been communicating off and on ever since and he’s decided that he wanted to meet me in person again this year. And last week we pretty much officially started making plans for him to come here for the first time. This is the first time hosting someone where I am not in my own location. Usually when people come to visit and I host I can take time off and show them around and spend majority of my time to share with them. In the situation I’m in.. I don’t know if I will be able to make that happen. I’m already getting on the ball and talking to people and seeing what options we might have. So right now he is working remotely and so he would be working during the mornings. If he decides to stay with me at the temple as a volunteer then he would need to work hours in the evening to stay here on property. So it doesn’t sound like the ideal situation for him on his first visit here. So we’re going to be talking again in the next few days to see if we can find different arrangements… but I’m starting to see if there is anyone here who could host him for short periods of time so he won’t have to be working all the time and will have options to be able to explore this beautiful state while he’s here to visit. I’ve been seeing myself getting protective of his comfort level. I was talking to a friend here and he asked me if I feel like I need to protect him? And I find that I do find myself feeling this way for some reason. What really am I feeling? So… when I’m in situations that aren’t necessarily ideal… it doesn’t really bother me. Putting myself in uncomfortable situations helps me grow and see where the areas I can work on. And I have been building skills of detachment and acceptance that uncomfortable environments aren’t an issue for me. BUT when I have someone I care about who wants to come into the same situations is when I really start to questions whether this is a space that is really a place I’d like them to experience. So I am very appreciative of the temple experience I have here… there are many positive aspects, but also there are some aspects that aren’t ideal and I feel like if I can find alternative options than… that would be best to have options. So yes I’m going to go ahead and address this as well. Now again I’m grateful and respect what I’ve been able to gain in this experience; however, there are aspects that aren’t ideal. When visiting this temple the initial impression can be very impressive and status and reputation is important for the owners here. So they have high expectations on how they are being perceived from guests… but there are things that seem to be missing. So maybe it’s not missing but what I would be able to bring into a situation is probably what I look for when I visit locations. So I guess the first thing is there is lacking warmth here. I come into situations wanting to be warm and friendly and open to conversations and that isn’t necessarily what guests get here when they visit. Many of the regulars who are here have been here on this property almost on their own little island and very comfortable to allowing people to come and go as they please… but not really taking the time to get to know the people who do become attracted to come and visit. I have a personality who wants to give quality personal service and hospitality… I also really appreciate the people who come into my awareness in this life… so I want all to be welcome and I am curious who is interested in coming at this time. So in my perception I feel that I was judged when I first came here. I had to give referrals to be able to even volunteer here on a weekly basis. Many volunteers come and go here and referrals were not needed for anyone else that I know of… at least not since I’ve been here on property. I’ve been enjoying my time to get to know the volunteers who have decided to live here for a few weeks… and many regulars seem to not want to get to know them to personal degrees and it makes me wonder why that is? I seem to want to build relationships beyond the near future… I guess many of the people I meet develop deeper the longer we allow our relationships grow. Yes there are many times that many people I meet I don’t build relationships with but many do evolve… so that’s why I try my best to give the opportunity for the relationship to develop. What is it that I really don’t want my friend to experience here? Dismissiveness and disrespect…. This is probably my concern for him to feel this way from the people he would meet here. I’m sure he’s had experiences like this in his life, but I guess when it comes to me recommending and introducing a location and community that this wouldn’t be a part of the experience. But again this isn’t my temple so it’s not that I’ve built this mentality and brand so I shouldn’t feel like I am responsible for how this has been developing here. But I have met people who are attentive and respectful and curious about people’s ideas and interests… that’s where I’m trying to find ways for him to be able to spend time with these people. Geesh… I wonder if he really should be visiting me at this time. I am getting so excited to have him here, but also I wish I was a bit more prepared to host someone at this time. There’s an area that I’m avoiding… there’s a few aspects that I’m avoiding which I’m noticing that I’m doing and I’m wondering why I’m doing this? Why am I being hesitant to saying what is really going on in my mind at this time? I know I love to use journaling to purge out my thoughts but I also feel like many will not understand this process if they haven’t done it for themselves. I want to purge and it’s so beneficial… but when I get into the purging process it sounds so unbalanced and so it’s a one sided story and many will not be able to intuit that there is more than what I’m purging about that is going on here. But damn it… that’s why I got on here was to purge…so.. it is what it is, right? So I’ve been here at the temple… again I cannot explain how grateful I have been to be here for the last few months and I plan on continuing the help here until the festival at the end of the month and even the clean up through mid April…. By then I’ll be preparing to head to Hawaii to visit my family but also explore Hawaii in a the way I haven’t been able to do but I’m ready this time. So… I was hesitant to come here because I knew that my style of Spirituality isn’t necessarily accepted here. I am trying my best to be respectful, but I do find that I’m finding more people who come to visit and we start talking about Spirituality and my story comes out. I’m also writing my grant proposal which also involves Awakening practices and so it’s just so very present in my awareness… and I really don’t know if it will not be there. I don’t know if I ever want to lose this connection anyway… i don’t think it’s possible. But anyway… I’ve been getting challenged to speak my truth. I have been holding in a lot of expression to the regulars and owners of this temple. I’ve been able to express with guests, but for some reason this isn’t as fulfilling as wanting to address this to the owners. Why? Friends of mind are saying they are older and set in their ways… there’s nothing you can say which will make them change their minds and ways… so stop dwelling over it. I’m trying my best to not dwell but the more I hear their teachings the more things well up inside and thankfully I’ve had friends able to allow me space to purge but I also wonder if I’m really going to be here for three months and not saying my truth? I share a similar purpose of raising consciousness towards liberation or Awakening or whatever it means when we develop our consciousness to be in direct communication with the divine through everyday life. I know we all are working our way to this but is it really up to me to address this to them at this time? Do they really think of me as someone they want to build a relationship with and work together in the future as well? I would definitely be open for this… but the relationship wouldn’t be how it’s here at the moment. It’s very one-sided and I’d like to build a mutual relationship and more reciprocal. If reciprocation is not present… do I really need to be patient with the relationship until it’s ready to be? Geesh…. As I’m writing about this… this is bringing up romantic relationships as well… I feel like I’ve been noticing how much I’ve been wanting to run away and avoid… with my friend from Sweden coming to visit… it’s been exciting but challenging. I’m afraid what might happen when he comes to visit. What I’m afraid of is actually if anything starts to become romantic. I haven’t allowed myself to experience this in many years and it really seems that I’ve been transforming so much that it was an entirely different person who used to have romantic relationships. There have been times when romance and actually sexual aspects are introduced into my life… and it can be challenging and exciting. It’s exciting when there is a mutual curiosity and challenging when it’s not mutual. My friend and I are mutually curious about each other… and I’m trying to be open to see where are relationship can go. I deeply feel we’ll have a great friendship bond…. But is there any romantic feelings? I feel like I don’t really know him deeply enough.. but because I’ve kept myself away from romantic relationships I wonder what I will do if this is introduced to who I am right now. I tried to flirt with the Aussie a few weeks ago and it seemed like it went right over his head. And really I felt like I was being quite crude with my attempt to flirt and I’m laughing at myself about how out of practice I am for attracting romantic conversations. It’s so weird when we message each other… it seems like we’re both trying to be casual and cool yet ultimately awkward… lol… but I also feel he’s going through a lot of introspection work on his business aspects. He is not happy and I know he wants to make changes… it’s just so tricky to actually make changes. So I’m sure this is not the appropriate time to cheer him up or let him know that he’s got so much going on for him then his work. Especially when he’s in a space of brooding. Run away and avoid?? There seems like there are changes coming up and I feel like I’m trying to give excuses to keep distance from people. A part of me wants to give opportunities for him to not come and visit with me. I asked him if he really knows how unusual I am… and how challenging it can be to be around me. I know how to seem normal, but normal isn’t really who I am. He chuckled and said that he’s well aware of this and that’s why he wants to get to know me more and is interested in hanging out with me. I haven’t really let him know what I’m planning for the next few years… so he thinks that I’m just really going with the flow and so he’s been entertaining ideas to have us go to Argentina or go traveling through Europe in a camper van. As I am writing this grant… again clarity has been increasing and I am not interested in doing this at this time. I have visions that cannot come out of my mind… and I’m getting more and more confident that I’m starting to see the path to getting these visions into manifestation. It’s been weird… I’ve been sewing some new clothes to wear in Hawaii and as I’ve been sitting here the last few days I’ve been getting dejavú. There something I’m trying to remember in this moment…. There are feeling that seem similar to when I was in Peru last time. At first it seems like my paranoia that came over me when I was in solo sessions. Is this why I’m being so critical of the temple? I was laughing at myself because I thought maybe they might be wanting to sabotage me in some way… I’m wondering why would they even care to do this? But it came into my thoughts. When I remember my paranoia in the solo sessions it lead me to where I needed to learn, but also I saw how extremely dramatic I took it and had to take time to relax and not go to so many extremes. I tried to remember when I leave this temple if we are happy… dejavú is a working process with me… and it felt like I remember at least two people here that are regulars who seem to be so similar that I knew I would meet them… but I was trying to see if I could remember if we end this time together was a happy situation and not something crazy… hehe… There is another time in Peru that is coming up at this time as well… I went to Cusco and I was at a hostel and I knew that my cat and I were not going to be there long and that they were going to ask us to leave soon… and that’s a feeling I have right now as well. And I keep wondering if this is a future vision of what’s going to happen… or is it something that happens because I’m thinking it’s going to happen? I remember when I was in Peru as much as I was trying to relax and not think about this going to happen… it was still in my thought and yes… it happened. And I’ve been getting thoughts literally today during service as if some people walk up to me and escort me to leave. I kept looking at the people who were entering to see if they were gong to approach me. Again this paranoia feeling is happening and it’s something I”m dealing with which isn’t something I’d like to have in my experience, but I feel I’m going to be learning what this is and how I respond and why I respond this way. I think that’s why I came on here to write about it. My mind is going in ways that seems to be quite unrealistic. But honestly it’s not too unbelievable either. Escort me out of the building? Why? What have I done or will do to have someone want to escort me? It’s crazy because I have been entertaining the idea to stop living here on property and just volunteer on Saturdays for the llamas and help with the festival, but allow more time for me to focus on the grant and spend time with my friend. But this week during my volunteer hours went so well… I loved spending the time with the guests that came to visit. We all were having a great time sharing our energies with one another… and many stayed hours with me… and it was hard to want to leave these opportunities to connect with amazing people. There were children and pet connections that happened this week which I loved. The first was with an eleven month year old boy who I found us crawling and rolling around the floor together while his parents got the time to enjoy their meal together. They were taking video and pictures of us because they said that he usually doesn’t act this way with people… and they loved watching how we are interacting with one another. Well… I was in heaven loving on this little one. There was a four year girl who came with her mother on another day… it seemed like the mother wanted to be able to talk with the priest at our temple… so I was able to entertain the daughter to give mom some personal time… but we all sat down and played and talked and again it was very enjoyable. There were two guys who I love talking with and it was a very slow evening so I got to spend a long conversation with them… and I’m really looking forward to get to know them more… I’m hoping we might all get the chance to hangout this Tuesday on my day off. And then the last day there was a couple who came in with one of their pet bunnies. They said it was a mix of a dwarf Netherland and lion head… I think that’s what it’s called…and his name is Babycakes… too cute! Yeah… I really enjoy being with the guests and it seems like they enjoy me as well… so I’m not sure why anyone would like to escort me out of this situation? Why would I think someone is trying to get me? Might not get me, but want to do harm to me? And what’s weird it’s not like I”m really feeling afraid or paranoid… how do I explain this. I just am getting a feeling that there might be something that might happen…. But I feel like I’m calm and be able to experience this is a very relaxed manner. I haven’t done anything wrong.. so why get upset? lol… why is this going on in my mind? It is so I’ll express it…. I guess these are areas of shadow work that I will be addressing at this time. I don’t feel the flow that comes when I’d be getting some answers from journaling so… I’ll wrap this up. But we’ll see if I can get back into the flow in a few days… see how I can get back in to the journaling flow. For now… I’m getting a bit sleepy and looking forward to getting some rest. Oh the two guys who I hope to hang out with on Tuesday… they have given me some tea to help get some rest. My mind seems to be more active right now.. so it should assist. I’m not sure I see any benefits, but I still appreciate them sharing this with me… and I’ll see how affective with more usage. But ok… until next time.

Alright… so I’ve been thinking about writing a proposal.. right now for a research project and/or documentary. I’ve gotten into this space a few times and I feel it coming on strong. So it’s time to explore more about the details of what I’m trying to create. This process doesn’t mean it’s going to happen step by step, but it does help clarify what is in my mind. I found it interesting this Sunday service because when I was listening to the husband this evening… it was interesting to hear a little bit about how they started building this Temple here in the middle of Mormon state USA… they seemed to have similar draw to just take steps and not having everything planned out but to trust how it unfolds will be how it unfolds.. so it confirms to me that what I’m led to proceed forward with is not something that is impossible. It’s very possible and I’m so much more calmed down from my first time experiencing messages. It’s time to take another look at this time and see where it leads. I’m debating how much I’m going to be sharing in this Journal. I’d like to be able to do pretty much everything on here… but again I’m hesitant because I know how strong the collective energy is and if there’s a lot of energy that is not supportive, then it will have effects. But it also can go the other way as well. So let’s just see where this goes and I’ll figure out if it’s the right thing to do to document this on here… or if I need to just go back to my pen and paper and do it like I’m used to doing. So… where to begin? Do I begin with the research proposal or documentary proposal? I don’t have the credentials for a researcher; however, I do want to participate in this experiment directly and I want to be able to record it. So… I guess I think I am going to start with the research first. So I’ve taken a look at how to write a research paper. I’ll just go ahead and pick one that I’ve seen and just go with it. So… let’s see which one to do first. I’ll start with research.com… why not… so here’s the website Bouchrika, Imed. “How to Write a Research Proposal in 2024: Structure, Examples & Common Mistakes“. Research.com. https://research.com/research/how-to-write-a-research-proposal. January 2, 2024. Accessed January 7, 2024. “This article aims to describe the common steps taken to prepare a written proposal as attractively as possible to achieve approval and/or funding. It also seeks to discuss key aspects that must be considered to help ensure that you can convert your proposed study into well-conducted actual research work (Bouchrika).” ”At this stage, it is good to ask these preparatory questions to help you steer your research in the right direction: What is the topic I want to study? Why is it worthwhile to study it? What practical or valuable problems will it help solve? How does it build upon—and possibly improve—existing research already done about the topic? (For students:) How is it important within the subject areas covered in the course/program? What are the specific tasks that I must plan to do? Can I get those tasks done within the time and resources available? Generally, a compelling background and significance in research proposal will manifest if it effectively captures your knowledge about the topic and shows your deep interest to conduct the research. Handle it with the purpose of making your readers engaged about the study and what the outcomes will be (Bouchrika).” ok… let’s start asking and answering this suggestions from Bouchrika. Topic I want to study? So this is about Spirituality of course. I want to study this approach that I have found myself in. Traditional religious practices is common and accepted by majority of society; however, when it comes to psychedelics as a spiritual practice or tool there seems to be many opinions… mostly as not a valid way to practice. However, there is a growing awareness from a group of people who have found in their own practice as valid. The issue that I think I want to really focus on is what I’ve been finding as I speak with traditional religious practitioners… there’s a huge reliance on reading scriptures to gain spiritual understanding. Which I can see as something that is helpful, but in my opinion not the best practice for spiritual understanding. We are not understanding that the level of our conscious development depends on the depth of understanding. Direct experience is king… hehe… I think Leo Gura had said this… oh man… referencing and sourcing the words that come out of my head is going to be a tricky one.. hehe.. I’ll try my best. But in my experience I can validate that statement. I know people are gaining an understanding that psychedelics can be used for entheogenic experiences. Ok… here’s another citation… and it looks like this website will be able to give me more literature to cite in specific topics… so here’s another website: “Entheogen.” ScienceDirect. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/neuroscience/entheogen. Accessed January 7, 2024. They highlighted a definition at the top of the website… “An entheogen has also been defined as “any substance that, when ingested, catalyzes or generates an altered state of consciousness deemed to have spiritual significance.” From: Toxicology in Antiquity (Second Edition), 2019 Hehe… we are just going to be referencing one another over and over again… hehe.. but I guess this is how we do when doing research. After this… it has many articles that use the word “entheogen.” As I glance through the ones on the first page… I love the fact it states ancient practices and religions who use entheogens… and how there’s going to be an increase in research in these areas to come. So…. I have been wondering who is already trying to do studies in these topics. So which one is talking about research increasing? Let me take a look at it… well… there seems to be a few that catches my eye.. one at a time. “Building Bridges Between Neuroscience and the Humanities” Brick Johnstone, Daniel Cohen, inNeuroscience, Selflessness, and Spiritual Experience, 2019 “Although controversial, future research is likely to include increasing exploration of psychoactive substances, what scholars of religion have referred to as “entheogens,” namely, different plant substances, like mescaline, peyote, or ayahuasca, that have been used in different cultures. It is noted that plant entheogens have been used for centuries in indigenous religions throughout the world to enhance spiritual experiences. While some scholars of religion have argued that chemically induced experiences are entirely “artificial” (e.g., Zaehner, 1957), others have stated that they can produce genuine divine or cosmic connections (e.g., Huxley, 1954). The well-respected scholar of religions Huston Smith (1964) long ago asserted that a failure to explore the connection between psychoactive substances and spiritual experiences would be akin to theologians’ refusal to look through Galileo’s telescope because they worried it might change their ideas of humanity’s place in the (divine) universe. To ignore these topical territories and the subjective experiences of countless individuals would be to lose access to an important area of research and understanding about the human experience. As William James clearly understood over a century ago, … there lie potential forms of consciousness entirely different. We may go through life without suspecting their existence … No account of the universe in its totality can be final which leaves these other forms of consciousness quite disregarded. How to regard them is the question—for they are so discontinuous with ordinary consciousness. (James, 1902, p. 298)” (Johnstone and Cohen). “Psychology and Religion.” R.W. Hood Jr., in Encyclopedia of Human Behavior (Second Edition), 2012 Entheogens Among psychologists of religion, entheogen has become the preferred term for chemicals such as psilocybin that are psychoactive drugs that have profound effects on consciousness. Researchers have long noted that naturally occurring entheogens have been used by religious groups such as the Native America peyote cults to facilitate religious and spiritual experiences. The use of entheogens to facilitate mystical experience or a sense of union with God or a larger reality have produced some of the most frequently cited textbook cases of true experimental research in the psychology of religion. Set and setting have been documented to be important factors in facilitating positive experiences and a religious interpretation of them. Denominational opposition to chemically facilitated experiences is well documented, making research using religiously committed participants difficult. (Hood Jr.) So yes… hehe… how do I get involved with this type of research, because this is what I would like to do. I’m not sure I want to do their own research projects which is probably very structured but invite them into the style that I would like to explore. Which might not be considered actual research hehe… but that’s where I do want to get into the area that it could be used as a study project. Ok… so back to the question about the topic… entheogenic experiences but personally artistic flow is also a spiritual practice that is very impactful for myself as well. Dance, Instruments, Singing, Artwork such as drawing and painting… these are spiritual practices as well… again.. I feel this connects to indigenous spiritual practices as well… so.. this could go on and on… hehe… I feel that I’m interested in sacred spaces as well but Nature is sacred spaces too… so my topic seems to be wide… How can I condense it? Would it be combining indigenous spiritual practices to the modern consciousness? But not all the spiritual practices are indigenous… hmm… ha honestly I want the topic is to explore enlightenment practices. I’d like to see if the practices that I’ve happened to use for myself will help others as well. I’m actively involved with the Krishna Consciousness devotees and that’s what they are trying to do. Why couldn’t I try it as well? How many enlightened souls have come out of this particular Temple? They’ve been here for twenty years… have they had one? Are the ones who are leading this enlightened themselves? How successful are they? And even if they’re not successful… they’re still allowed to try. Why not other practices? That’s the thing… I want all of these practices to be successful.. but I only know the techniques I’ve been drawn to use… and I too want to see if it will be effective for some. Geesh… I feel if I have twenty years… I feel I’d at least get one. Hehe… when it comes to actualized.org… I wonder how many of Leo’s followers have been Awakened? He’s been doing this for around ten years… I don’t even think quite that long… but how many are his numbers? Four? That might be a good guess but I really don’t know… I’m curious to know if Leo has an idea actually. He mentions that he’s met other Enlightened ones… some who might have helped him as well. That’s what we want to do is help each other to Awaken. So… is there a way I can get support to give it a go? Well… I know I have support from Infinite Intelligence… hehe… of course it might not be as successful as I’d hope it to be… but who cares? It will help me learn how to adjust and learn. There’s a difference to my style of approach as well. I’ve been finding that I continue to mention that I’m not an open door policy. While most traditional religions somewhat are. So there is many people who can come in and participate. The thing is the congregation doesn’t necessarily have a personal relationship with the priest. I do want a personal relationship with the ones I’m working with. I mean that also makes me different from Leo’s approach as well. He has a Forum… but aren’t there rules not to use this space to meet with other people here? I was wondering if this is something I just made up or if I had read this somewhere on the rules. Let me check real quick… Yes… there is no recruiting for meetups in our city, private groups, things of this nature… hehe.. Ok that makes sense for this forum… but again… when it comes to my journey… being engaged one on one is something that I want to share with the people I’m working with. I just don’t have a sign that says… hey everyone and anyone wants to try this out? Come on in… hehe… I’m more like… umm… let’s see where we are together. I’m far more discerning these days… hehe. Well… I guess this audience isn’t potential team members then? Most of my team members are who I’ve ran into personally anyways… but I do feel like I want to see if I can get a hold of some researchers and see who is open to talk to me one on one. I’m curious who I’m going to reach out to. I chuckle because I remember reaching out to a few people after my solo sessions…hehe… I was so excited yet ungrounded that I’m sure I was a crazy lady… hehe.. and I don’t mind being a bit crazy… hehe… I feel the people I’m drawn to work with will have a bit crazy in them as well. We’ll make an interesting team for sure. Hmmm… I feel like that my mind gets a bit distracted when I’m writing here on the journal when asking these questions. There’s a responsibility to cite everyone and everything. Sometimes I just need to let things flow and go to get into a groove and I wasn’t really able to do it tonight. I kept going to other websites and this distracts me and maybe I’ll go ahead and go back to the pen and paper during my next two days which are my days off. I feel like this would be satisfying for my process. Alright… this is good for now…. Until next time… Oh! I almost forgot… I got the nova double flute yesterday. I’ve got 24 hours of practice and I love it. I’m apologizing to my housemates because I have a feeling I’ll be playing quite a bit. Oh and I also randomly got a $50 Amazon gift card from my credit union by filling out a survey… so I ended up getting a drum thing that is easily portable and compact. It’s supposed to have two different sounds… snare on one side and bongo sounds on the other… plus there’s an ability to use it as a shaker as well. I guess I can strap it to my waist or thigh… onto my body if I want to be able to move as well… I thought it was worth a try since I got a gift card… I’d give myself a gift to hopefully have a drum alternative that I can travel with. Ok… just wanted to mention this. I’m excited to get some instruments to play with and travel with… ok..now, is a good time for a break

Alright… let’s see… yesterday was a beautiful day. I went to hangout with a buddy of mine who I’ve known since childhood. His family was like my second family growing up. I have went into it before… but they really helped and I appreciate them so much. He had invited me to join him at his nieces wedding since it’s here in Utah. I’ve looking forward to seeing him and visiting with his family. Actually I haven’t been to a wedding in a long time… so it was really nice! They’re LDS so I could only wait in the waiting area at the entrance of the temple, but that was quite alright. There were a few of us there even my buddy’s two daughters where with us too. Oh my goodness… I absolutely find it so easy to fall in love with his girls… they’re too cute and I was excited to visit with them… he said they were excited to see me too. So I ended up taking the bus and train to get to their location. It was going to take me close to two hours… so I had planned to speak with my Swedish friend who is in Peru right now. So we tried to do a video chat but the bus I was on was fairly loud that I couldn’t hear him… he so we just talked old school… hehe. It’s very interesting when it comes to this friend of mine. We really don’t know each other deeply… especially compared to my childhood friend, right… but we still comfortable with each other. It was funny speaking with him because it felt a little like it was an interview… hehe.. had many questions for me. I’m not sure if I’m going to go into our conversation… I want to touch on some things but I want to admit that I’m not certain how to approach this relationship. I feel like he doesn’t know either… so we’re in an awkward phase… hehe. Anyway… he was really curious about my LDS friend and their beliefs so we went into that quite a bit. But he was really interested to see if I was tied to a plan for the year. I’ve already been talking to him about this… tentatively I”m thinking I’ll be here at the temple until the end of March and possibly go to Hawaii afterwards. But he said that it’s not set in stone, correct? And I said well… if someone wants to take me to Nepal tomorrow… hehe…. Then I want to be able to have the freedom to accept that or not… hehe…. He said well exactly! If I decide to invite you to Peru tomorrow… then you’ll consider it? I said well… yeah I’d consider it. I try to explain that I’m guided to a vision but how it unfolds is not certain so I want to be able to be flexible with how the vision unfolds. I was a little surprised that he was thinking about inviting me to Peru. We had discussed him coming here to Utah for the festival in March… he’s still thinking about doing that as well… so we’re both kind of open and flexible… hehe. He started also telling me about the girl he met on tinder… he had spent Christmas with her and what he first thought was going to be friendship ended up turning into something a bit more. So she accompanied him to New Years in Iquitos as well. He said they’ve moved into the dating phase he said. She’s a psychologist and is very fascinating and nice. And so of course I’m happy for him… So this is a good point for me to process through my feelings about our relationship. I’m sure this may be redundant if someone actually has read through all of this… hehe… but I want to readdress this and see where I am about this… especially before I speak with him again. So… what am I feeling right now? I feel a bit frustrated just a little bit. Why? Because I absolutely want to be able to just focus on my Aussie dream lover, but there’s still that desire to see some physical movement for us though too. So… I’ve been recently been posting some stories on IG the past few days… it’s been close to a year well longer than a year since I had posted… usually I am a little active but I haven’t been. This is how we communicate with one another in the physical realm. He’s actually been posting more than he usually does as well. He’s fairly sparingly with his stories and posts, but there’s been high activity with his stories. We spoke briefly before Christmas and it seems like… I’ve been thinking about him a bit more intensely than it has been lately. I can’t explain this connection we have but I’ll try to work this out… if you cannot follow.. it’s ok.. this is me processing… hehe. So we are both intelligent… we both are attractive… and it seems like we’re both trying not to come off as too interested… hehe… at least right now.. we went through a phase, but anyway… there seems to be a strategic way we interact with one another. So… I keep trying to explain that things are changing in my life and this also puts a bit more quirkiness into the situation. I’m getting more and more confident in my visions from the jungle… I’m certain my messages are playing out… and my connection to Infinite Intelligence is getting steadier and easier. There was a time I was journaling and I felt like I was on a chess board playing myself… and when I was writing it out the first time… I wasn’t ready to checkmate myself… but now I feel like I am ready. And when I checkmate myself then… I’m just going to go all in and not question this perfection that is being played out in my experience. lol… so… what am I really frustrated with? That I’m not being able to just be comfortable letting everyone I meet that I am not interested in romantic relationships. I feel like I shouldn’t have to talk about this but it’s there… and if I don’t address it then, I’m leaving it as a potentiality. Am I worried that I might get tempted since it’s been so long to share affection with someone in a mutual manner? In a way… I am a bit… I still have these damn visions that involves clean and healthy semen as medicine for me… hehe.. this stresses me a tad bit… hehe. There were two specific semen which would be the ideal medicine, but in my ceremony I was able to transmute the semen into the proper chemistry to be medicine if it wasn’t from the specific semen. So yes… this is hard for me to understand but also challenging to not have in the back of my mind. These messages I cannot ignore or forget and I don’t want to… but this also makes me want to be cautious… hehe… but I don’t want to be cautious though either.. hehe. What am I really worried about, really? Well… I feel that what I would be worried about is not being able to be clear with my relationships. I’m going to be more specific. Just to let it all out clearly… IF my Aussie dream lover was really reciprocating mutually and actively… I wouldn’t have to be processing in this manner… but since it’s not the case… I want to go ahead and process. So he has been curious about my stories recently. I have been showing my curiosity as well. This is a good thing, but I also know deep down.. that he is not ready to take the steps that I’d imagine to have right now. But it isn’t happening… so we are not in alignment yet. And…I’d got shit I’m figuring out myself… so I’m not ready either… even though I think I’m getting close, but right now… is not there yet. But I don’t mind being wrong… it really doesn’t matter… deeply in my depths I’m preparing to reunite with my Aussie lover. I’m preparing to be able to share divine partnership where we can experience God as a lover with one another. Technically it could be with anyone and it’s God… but there’s something else… I’ve been getting this message from the very beginning and there’s something there for me to explore. Regardless if anyone could be God… God is also specifically wanting me to share this with the Aussie. I have a feeling why, but that’s not exactly what I want to process right now… what is it that I’m trying to process? How do I feel about my Swedish buddy? So I found him through the Couchsurfing app… I was in Peru doing my rounds of Aya… it was my second round and I had a moment before meeting my Swedish buddy where I was getting emotional feelings similar to messages I receive in ceremony. It’s challenging to explain if we haven’t had these types of experiences… but anyway… it hit me when I was leaving the place I was staying at… and heading to his place. My body was extremely excited… I didn’t know why… and it was excited to meet this Swedish man. I remember asking myself why this is the case? When I’m in ceremony mode.. many things play out in my mind… I thought maybe for some reason he might be friends with my Aussie dream lover… This world is far smaller than I had expected and so I thought maybe this crazy thought isn’t so crazy because anything is possible… hehe… but there were other thoughts going on… I was going to avoid saying it, but I think it’s best to be honest and just come out with how my thoughts process at times when it comes to romantic matters. So when I was practicing Polyamory… these tendencies seems to come into ceremonies at times too. So yes… mostly romantically my Aussie man is center stage, but…. He is not the only one when it comes to sexual messages. How do I explain this? So again he is center stage, but I have had moments where messages would bring my attention to someone… and I would definitely be curious and excited to have opportunities to share sexual experiences with them. Oh my goodness… I guess I’m going to go into details a bit… Geesh now that I think about it… it was my second round of Aya ceremonies where I was getting these… hmmm… so… I had said that the first ceremony of the my second round…. I ended up nude at the Aya retreat center…hehe… I’m sure I went into detail before… but I’m going to process so there’s going to be some repetition… and maybe I’m going to go ahead and admit things that I didn’t mention before. We’ll see how this all goes down… hehe. So… wait! Before I go any further… I want to remind everyone that messages in ceremony can get recontextualized at times… so I’m open when I get messages… I get an opportunity to explore these messages when I’m receiving them… and I cannot explain how open I am in ceremony… and how extremely curious I am as well… hehe… so… If one hasn’t read this part of my journal… I’ll see how I’m going to play it out this time… So… at the time I was celibate for eight months. At that time I would never have thought I’d go that long without having sexual relations with someone. I felt like this was a huge accomplishment. I was proud that I could go that long… even though I felt a bit frustrated that I had to continue to wait that long too. Hehe.. So this was when I was getting two shamans a male and female… I was with the female when I started to strip away my clothing… it started with my jewelry and went from there. What I remember is that I didn’t need to wear a mask to cover myself up… that applies in many ways… I was actually wearing jewelry and clothing that I had purchase the year before with the same shamans. But I was there in ceremony pulling and even breaking the jewelry to get it off of me. I was trying to show my appreciation for them and I thought it would be nice to show this by wearing these items. Again… I felt like I was learning that it doesn’t matter what I was wearing.. I can show appreciation in a far more deeper ways than wearing clothes they made…but also I was still under the impression that I was trying to find shamans to show me the way to become a shamana… and again this stripping away of these articles from me… was trying to teach me to not try to conform to what I think is supposed to be and strip down myself to my authenticity completely… there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m beautiful and not in a physical manner… but deeper… there’s nothing I need to hide… there’s no need for placing identity on me that isn’t really my authentic expression. I need to find a way to not hide my authenticity… geesh… it feels like this is a similar message I’ve been thinking about recently… I still find that I’m trying to make it easy for people to receive me… hehe… and more of me is like.. why the hell am I doing this? It’s exhausting and so much more of a hassle and it takes far more time doing it this way. But I keep thinking… that it’s best to ease people because I’m a long-term person who has developed quite a bit of patience. So why not make it easier for people… hehe… but what’s going to be easier for me? hehe… is it really easier for me to tip toe around people and prep them to allow them to see who I am? So many times no body wants to see so I wait until we find times to get deeper. But I have been finding that I can get to the point much easier and faster these days… I”m actively watching this process going on. So yes I’ve been getting better… but I”m more conscious now and I can continue to dive deeper into getting better now as well. So… this was playing out in my thoughts as I was in ceremony… but this isn’t the only message that was playing out at the same time. I’m uncertain how anyone else processes and receives messages in ceremony… but I seem to be able to be processing different messages when I’m in action or movement.. geesh I’m going to get better at explaining… I”m just in the process of get better… hehe… but yes I was with the female shaman who is actually after the male shaman. When I was with the male shaman we had some messages about the Aussie man. As I remember it now is that it was a bit more somber or cumbersome… something to this nature… I felt like I was thinking how much I wanted to be engaged in a more tangible relationship with the Aussie man… at this time I thought messages were a lot more quick in a manner than what reality was showing. I thought I’d be learning more about him in the physical realm but it wasn’t playing out that way. So I was processing my emotions of how sad I felt not being able to communicate with him… and there wasn’t any mutual curiosity anymore… definitely not to the same degree as when we met the year before. The shaman’s masculine energy was very comforting as if he was a male family member who knew I was hurting but also giving me support and space to be hurting but a confidence that things are getting better… so this memory came to me when I was with the female shaman… and it felt like she was allowing my wild side unleash… it was like she was like… why are you sad and hurting… you are beautiful not only on the inside.. but truly in a physical manner as well. And this was playing out in my mind as well before I started to strip my clothes off… hehe… I remember my thoughts started going sexual when I was thinking of him when I was in her presence and I also remember saying aloud… oh my goodness… I called her by her name… you’re so naughty… and I started chuckling… because I can be very naughty as well… hehe… and I remember I started dancing on my hands and knees… and our energies started increasing… and I remember I felt like I was being encouraged to not hide and embrace my beauty and go wild… let myself free… and while I was standing up stripping my clothes I was dancing in a circle again… laughing at how naughty stripping to my nudity would be but fuck it… this is how it’s going to go down… ha! I was dancing in the nude… and I went back down onto the mat and I was on my hands and knees and continuing dancing and feeling very sexual and a bit naughty… I remember saying how I’ve been such a good girl for eight months now… and it’s been a lot of work… hehe… I was definitely dancing and thinking about the Aussie man which was fun, BUT…. There was a moment where I started to sense the facilitators presence. There was a male and a female facilitators. I knew the male from the year before and the female was new this round. I started to think about the male facilitator first… and I was giggling to myself… but yes I was saying things out loud as well… I know I had said his name and the facilitators are not drinking with us in ceremony… so there’s a possibility that he heard me and I didn’t care. So I started thinking about how interesting it would be to have sexual relations with him… and I wondered how our energies would mesh together… I could imagine having a great time with him. And yes…. My thoughts went to the female facilitator as well… which I found new and interesting… so I started to think hmmmm…. How would our energies work together in a sexual way… I said her name as well… I was like… oh… I haven’t been with another female sexually… I wonder how this would be and again I could imagine how much fun we could have together as well. So the shamans were not in front of me by this time. And then this is what helped lead to me rolling over to the guest next to me. But I started getting thoughts about a sexual energy in the air. lol… I probably might have began the energy but it felt like I wasn’t the only one. I even started to get excited because I thought maybe sex was going to be a collective lesson for this ceremony… hehe. I was definitely open and up for learning more about sex… lol. I remember I was going over how the facilitators were probably more strict about not having sex before, during, or after retreats…. I thought the shamans wouldn’t have so much restrictions. I thought possibly they knew sexuality needs to be healed and addressed… instead of them bringing it up… they would try to encourage me to try it. That’s when I tried to take initiative to see if in fact this ceremony was going to be a teaching session about sex. I’m blushing right now… because it sounds like I’m a bit crazy… and maybe I am… but this went down fairly close to what I remember. I had a male to my left and I had a female to my right. At that moment it didn’t matter which way I rolled… I was going to see if anyone else was interested in learning about sex tonight… lol. So I went into the details with this gentleman that I rolled to and all the shit that went down from it… but that wasn’t really what I wanted to get into. But… I know there are times in ceremonies that I get messages and I’m so eager to have the opportunity to learn these messages…. And I definitely wasn’t as patient as I am now. I’m getting better… hehe. But I feel like I need to process where I am and that’s also taking a look at what’s what down in ceremony… changes are happening… and recontextualization in my approach needs to be addressed and questioned. I’ll go back to my Swedish friend… that was a thought I had about him was a possibility he could be friends with the Aussie… but another thought was that he might be a potential sexual partner and intimate relationship like a polyamorous relationship. I have no clue why this came into my thoughts… it just did… and I hadn’t even met him. I have to admit that I was wondering if my Aussie man might find this Swedish man attractive as well? When I met this Swedish man… I do have to admit that I found him attractive as well. The good thing was he was dating someone and she was beautiful and sweet so it made it easy for me to not flirt with him and keep a safe distance so I didn’t explore the excitement I was feeling before I met him. So I’ll go back to the ceremonies before I met the Swedish man… yes the first ceremony went down with the nudity… but there was another ceremony where a sexual nature came up and again… it was like a polyamorous situation involving the Aussie man with another man. At first when I was getting messages about this man… it was more like how I would be getting introduced to each other through the internet. I mean it was obvious to me… because I’ve been watching his YouTube videos for a few years by then. So I thought it was going to be more business in nature when I had him come into ceremony. There was definitely something about expanding communication when it came to him. And it seems like the internet is the opportunity for me to introduce myself to him as well… at least the opportunity now exists. It’s taken over three years to take the steps, but I have started my attempt. As he continued in my ceremony… it led to my thought wondering whether if there was going to be something other than business with him? Oh my goodness… I’m going to stop myself again… hehe… I’m not sure how comfortable I am to continue to express my thoughts during ceremony. Let’s just say it was interesting… and I’m still curious about it… and again messages don’t seem to be forgotten or ignored. Well… ignoring seems to be easier than forgetting. Hmmm… has there been anyone else? No… I cannot remember anyone else. Honestly though I know there are gaps in loss of memory in some ceremonies. I know I’ve experienced receiving messages again and triggers the original time it was brought up… so I might be missing one, but I honestly don’t think that’s the case. I’m trying to even remember my ceremonies not with Aya… there’s been a few times where sexual energy presents itself.. but I’ve been able to not really allow it to go further than say kissing and sharing techniques and some dancing. Is that what I’m thinking that I’m worried about… that there might be people I’m attracted to where I might allow more than kissing. And do I feel guilty about it? yes… I think that’s what I’m feeling… and I think I just want to be open to give myself some grace. I think I have conditioned thoughts of how I’m suppose to approach romantic relationships… even though I feel like I’ve tried to be as radically open as my conditioned mind would allow. There’s still room for me to open up even more. It seems to be challenging to continue to open to more changes in a few of my areas of life such as sexuality. I want to… and I feel like I’m going to be exploring this more this year. We’ll see maybe I won’t get the opportunity… but I seem to be thinking about this area quite a bit. Maybe it’s to just purge it out. But what’s the affective way for me to do this? I don’t know until it plays out. It’s almost been three years since I was placing myself as an exotic dancer… and I have memories of how exciting and fun it was… but how I wanted things to be more mutual and not so structured around having to be a bit obligated to engage because it was a position that it was expected. It’s having clear communication…. Again… I continue to want to take steps that doesn’t ruffle so many feathers with anyone I’m engaging with… so this approach draws everything out and goes through loops and dips because I’m just not able to find that I am the one who wants to lead these conversations. I actually talk to the Swedish man… and he also was hinting around to me… lol… because I do this so much it sticks out to me when I hear it. He said that this tinder girl he’s with took initiative and he was surprise yet grateful. We are in a bit of limbo-land… and I feel we both are mature enough to address it. And that’s the thing… maturity is crucial here. I feel like I’m going to listen to Leo’s video on maturity again… This Swedish man is a ladies man… he probably wouldn’t say that.. but in my observation.. he is. And… to me that actually makes me feel a bit more easy about approaching him. I want to have some fun and no pressure about making it into “something.” Everything right now is speculations because honestly I haven’t been able to have the balls to just address it directly. But damn it… I just want to be feminine. I want to attract men who can have the balls enough to address it directly as well. Yeah… I’ve been seeming how unattractive it’s been when I find that men cannot just be direct and open in their communication. That is attractive… there’s a lot to attractions but it is unattractive to me at this time… beating around the bush. I feel like there’s only one man that I can allow that from… that’s our game of anticipation playing out… and our subtlety has a dynamic that is’t easy to explain or comprehend.. hehe. He is the exception to any rules that I might feel like I have… lol… who knows why, but I know this is the case right now. But I’m a good student so I’ll continue to learn and readdress my thoughts on things. Ok… wow… I didn’t know I was going to go this way today. I thought i was going to go into the things that are playing out the last few days. But I guess that’s not what I was really focused on. I”m starting to give my things away. I’ve got four ladies coming tomorrow to pick some of the items up. Hopefully more to come. Oh yeah… I’ve been playing the $5 flute for maybe five days to a week… well… I want a better quality so I went ahead and purchased a decent flute today. I got a High Spirit’s Nova double flute in the key of A minor… the third eye chakra frequency, they say. So I’m hoping I can get this maybe by the weekend… I’m excited! I know I’m purging my things but I’m trying to actually have the things I want to travel around with. And I feel like I want some instruments. I’ve been really wanting to play more music… I want to sing more as well. This hypnotic mantra I hear over and over here at the Temple makes it easy to practice. The wife has asked me if I’m going to stay til the festival. I said I think so, but I also seem to be getting other offers… so I haven’t committed yet… we’ll just have to see how it goes. And yes… interesting… we’ll just see how things go. Ok… until next time…

I’m really pumped after the first day of 2024 closes. There’s something in my body that is wanting to explode with excitement… hehe… but usually my body knows something a bit earlier before Reality shows me why the excitement. So what shenanigans have been going on lately… let’s see it’s been a few days since I’ve written so where to start? Well… for New Year’s Eve I really enjoyed sharing energy with one of the German volunteers who danced with me. So mid week last week… the husband asked us to join him for a cookout since many of the international volunteers will be leaving soon. So we met us, and another volunteer ended up showing up that night whose origins are from India but he’s volunteering for three weeks and returning to Arizona. So his first few hours at the Temple involved a cookout with us. There were some tents that were setup maybe for a week now in front of the main cabin. I guess there was a bonfire table thing and two heater stands… so I guess this is why they set it up so have some gatherings through the winter. So cool… we had some veggie burgers, baked beans, and tortilla chips with soda… hehe… I didn’t eat all that I had worked that day so I was snacking already from the buffet so I did have a veggie patty with a little baked beans. Anyway… the husband wants to practice his rapping. He approached me during my shift saying that he heard I could sing. I said I’d like to work more on it, but yes I enjoy it. He wanted me to sing that night so he wasn’t gong to be the only one singing… I chuckled because I told him I don’t really know many songs that I’d be able to sing. But we’ll see how it works. So… I heard his rapping. Goodness… I think he had five to six different raps. He started with Ganesh and moved to Shiva… and so on… I’m sure I’ll continue to hear them. And I thought he did a good job and it looks like he’s put a lot of work into it. So what I noticed is that he was running out breath as he was doing his thing. There were times where he was trying to get his audience interacting where he did a call and repeat thing… example… he said when I say “benevolent”, you say “elephant”… benevolent elephant… and things like this. And again he was running out of breath or sometimes delayed when it was his time to say the first call word. So I already knew I wanted to help him out. We of course, the audience, were participating with him. And the next day I was talking with him. First he said that he really liked how I became the life of the party… I chuckled. He said he enjoyed my singing and dancing. I said I really liked hearing his rhymes. I told him that I thought he did really well too… and maybe I have a suggestion for him to be able to catch his breath. He said that would be nice… and so I said.. maybe add a simple course in between his verses. I said when he was doing his call and response… he could just make those his chorus. If he keeps it simple and repetitive then it would be easy for the crowd to pick up and sing along with him. I feel bad but I don’t remember all of his lyrics and they were actually pretty good… but let just use the basic example we used already… I said if he starts chanting benevolent elephant over and over… then the crowd will be starting to repeat him… and that would be a good time to take a breath… and then when you’re ready he can come right back in once he’s ready. It’s a start for him to get his creative juices going. He said it would be nice to have this every week or something… I think he wants more practice and I think it’s not a bad idea especially if there’s going to be more volunteers. I hope we can get a little better healthier food options… hehe.. but I was fun. We all mostly went up and did a little karaoke and ended up putting dance music on and it was fun to do this together. So.. this happened. Like a day before I had asked the gentlemen who live at the house with me if it would be a problem if I have the volunteers over to the house around new years to have a dance party. So we were thinking that maybe we’d be able to go to the ecstatic dance at the SL temple on Wednesday, but one of the volunteers would be leaving that morning.. so I thought… why not just do it at the house then… So I asked first the chef who lives in the basement apartment with his family. He would be the first priority because they are in the basement and would be hearing the walking around from us. I was seeing what time would be best to finish our dance session so it doesn’t bother them. I told him he didn’t have to answer right away… but ask his wife and see what she says too. So I gave him a few days to think about it. He said that New Year’s Eve should be a good night for a dance party. I asked the new priest who came the day before the same thing. I knew he goes to bed early so I was wondering what time would be ok with him. lol… and I don’t think he understood what I was asking. There’s a little issue with trust around here… and so he said there’s not going to be any alcohol is there? I said no… we all are volunteers here and it’s fine without alcohol. He didn’t say much but a few days went by… and then during lunch on Sunday he came up to me with the husband. The wife happened to be sitting at the table as well. The husband started asking me what he was talking about. The priest thought he should spend the night at the main cabin since I’m having people over to dance. So the husband was asking me what was going on. I said the volunteers and I wanted to have a dance session at the guest house, where I stay. I was trying to get a time of how long we would be able to dance tonight. I looked at the husband and said… we have a lot of fun dancing and we’d like to bring it inside to celebrate the new year. So the wife said… well no one has talked to me about any of this. This dance party isn’t going to happen. I looked at her and said… well I asked the people who I live with who are the ones going to be affected by it. I got their permission… but I’m just trying to see how late we can gather. A few hours is all we need and that should be fine. She said that the wife downstairs would not approve. And I said I asked them early in the week and I haven’t heard anything saying that it would upset them. The husband said… she seems like she went through and was asking permission from everyone… that doesn’t seem like that’s a bad thing. But the priest needs to stay where he is because there’s no space in the main cabin. I said that’s what I thought. So we ended up deciding that we can dance until 9:30pm. And that would give us about two and a half hours… and so I said that sounds reasonable. And thanked them… hehe… I doubled checked with the chef to make sure 9:30 was ok with him and his family… to him it seemed like he didn’t mind if we did it later… The priest spoke to me again and he kept asking about my “friends”… I kept trying to explain to him the “friends” are “volunteers”… the ones that are living in the main cabin… the ones who have been volunteering here for three weeks or longer… I keep trying to explain that my “friends” are part of the Temple. He admitted he thought I was brining in friends from out of state. I said… technically they are out of state… hehe… but I haven’t invited anyone who doesn’t live and volunteer on this property. Our ecstatic dance isn’t going to be a big bash with alcohol. We just want to dance for a few hours. Hehe… I even was talking to the volunteers about this during the week and I thought having a blindfold on would be really fun and interesting. And the chef overheard me saying this… and he asked what’s the blindfolds for? I said… well have you been in a situation where we’re not able to connect to music because we can see other people watching you dance. When we put blindfolds on… then we don’t have to worry about that… we can connect to the music and our bodies without worrying about people watching you. I asked him if he ever put on a mask and felt like he could transform into someone else? He laughed and said… his mind went pretty dark… and I laughed and said… yes… I’ve been finding out that most devotees here seem to go dark at first. We aren’t trying to do anything wrong. There’s nothing wrong with fellow volunteers gathering listening to music and dancing together. We just did this the other night outside… what’s the difference inside and focusing it more to connection with the music? Anyway… last night we got to do it… and it ended up be so peaceful and quiet that I doubt anyone would have any reason to complain. And… all of the volunteers actually have been running around the last few days so most of them were worn out… hehe. So the two of us who are actual dancers were up for it and have been looking forward to it since we’ve mentioned it. She’s been wanting to practice more about her teaching skills of belly dancing and she’s actually been to ecstatic dances and so I figured she’d be the one to lead. I was interested in learning more. She had asked the wife to see if she’d be able to teach belly dances at the temple like the yoga classes.. but the wife said it was too sexual for the temple. So I told her that it’s ok to do this at the house. I have had some belly dance classes and I absolutely love Polynesian dancing and it’s similar in ways. Honestly… any dancing sounds amazing to me… hehe. So I guess there were going to be two other girls joining us but they wanted to rest and come later. So we starte out by ourselves. She wanted speakers and there seems to be a system installed in the home with speakers in the ceiling but I haven’t used it. And we couldn’t get it working anyway. But again… it wasn’t necessary. It was loud enough for us in the living room and it didn’t bother anyone else. She actually found out when she was teaching… she found herself turning down the music for her comfort level and for us to hear her anyway… hehe… but while she was waiting I said we could start warming up and doing some dancing anyway… she said that it looks like I’m pretty comfortable dancing… if the girls don’t make it we can just go into the ecstatic dance. I said… I can always continue to learn. I’ve taken a few belly dancing classes and what I’d like to see if she can help with is… how they use their arms. And she did great… and it was so fun to be able to mirror her. My body was creaking and cracking… hehe… it felt amazing… it was waking up! The other girls arrived and then she was able to do her lesson. It was more slow and foundational and intentional which isn’t how most of the belly dance classes I’ve attended are. So I know that all of us appreciated her sharing her experience with us. I wanted to definitely tell her how grateful I was with her lesson… and she was equally grateful to have a compliment and feedback from another dancer. So it was time for ecstatic dance and the other two girls ended up leaving. So it was back to the two of us.. which actually worked out great because we’d have much more room and with blindfolds we won’t have to worry about hitting someone by accident. So we turned off the lights… we both had our sleep masks and she had a play list for about 20 minutes of her style of ecstatic music. I loved it… I hadn’t tried dancing with a blind fold either. I noticed one time I got a little off balance…. But I adjusted and it was very fun to be liberated from not being watched. I do have to admit that there were a few times where I had thought about my dream lover and we dancing for him… and it was hot… hehe… but not the whole time. But we laid down on the floor afterwards and every inch of our bodies were buzzing with energy… there’s not any words that I can say to explain how satisfying dancing is for me. We were chuckling a little about how much effort we had to do to be able to do this… hehe… there’s a bit of stress the volunteers are having dealing with the wife and yes… it was a purging session and releasing any tension that happened to be stagnant in our bodies… I understand what she’s saying… to say it’s challenging… it’s saying it nicely… hehe. But how can this be wrong… hehe… and there are so many pictures and artwork at the temple with people dancing and expressing joy… however, it’s pulling teeth to be allowed to dance… hehe… and wow… I don’t see much joy in the devotees… moments, yes… but majority of the time… that’s not the energy they’re projecting. I can’t say that for every devotee… but I’ll say it’s more rare than it is common. The artwork also has beautiful women with little clothing and men half nude and attractive. I mean literally Krishna is the all attractive one… and Rama is all pleasure… this is the mantra that is being chanted all of the time… it’s almost a trance or hypnotic how much its repeated everywhere… hehe. But how much they’re afraid of people having any thoughts of sex or attraction and pleasure to people who are not Krishna… I don’t know it’s baffling to me… hehe..and I had to actually laugh about it out loud with someone. So the dance session was beyond satisfying and very much needed. I hope to find more time to do these types of sessions with myself or with others as well. She really wants to be able to go on a Wednesday to the event at the SL temple…so we’ll see if we can figure that out. We finished the night by going up to the roof of the Temple and watching the fireworks in the distance from the neighbor towns and cities. It was really nice and all of the volunteers ended up making it up there and sharing it together. We were laughing trying to figure out where next year we will all be… since most of us wants to be traveling quite a bit. One asked if we could choose one word to help explain the year we want to create for 2024… I think my word would be “expansion.” There was a $5 flute which was donated this week to the temple. I saw the women and children who bought it… and they left it on the donation box for anyone to use. I left it there for a few days and no body picked it up and used it… so I thought… why not me? I used to play a little flute in middle school… I was pretty decent at the time… I love music and why not. They don’t like my drumming because it’s not their rhythm and also they said the tone doesn’t match the same as what they have. So if I do play I need to play it softly enough for them to not really hear it… hehe… I’ve been able to play the flute twice now. I’ve practiced a little at the house and went to the temple to practice as well. It’s not a flute that plays off to the side it’s similar to a recorder. I cannot remember what the Indian name of it is… but it’s a very basic flute and so I’m trying to find the sounds that is soothing combination… I’m not sure if I’m able to do the octave higher on this flute. We’ll see… but I did meet a guy tonight and I got him to participate in aarti with us. I gave him one of my little drums and he liked having it and danced a little with it, and he liked hearing my flute with everything as well. I met him during dinner and found out that he’s had a few Aya ceremonies and feels like it’s calling him back again. He did three sessions in Cancun, two nights in Utah, and two nights in LA. We barely got to talk with one another, but there was a good start. He is moving closer to the Temple soon and hopes to be able to come more often. I decided to see how it plays out before we exchange information. It would be good to talk to him again. He asked when I was going to have ceremonies. I told him I don’t have an open door policy… hehe… I’m much more involved then hosting a night and saying ok… have a good life! Ha… but he said he respects that. So… if we are to work together and share more… it’s going to happen. So… I should be meeting up with my old friend… we grew up together and he’s Mormon and his family was like my second family growing up. He had invited me to share in the celebration of the wedding of one of his nieces. Her wedding is actually Wednesday, but they are having a celebration tomorrow before they unite for family and friends. I’d love to go and celebrate and catch up with him and his bro. I”m also supposed to talk with my Swedish friend who’s in Peru at the moment. Actually he would be Iquitos now for New Years… I wonder how he likes it. So I hope to be able to call him on my public transportation ride. Oh.. I need to see if we can adjust the time a little from what he wanted. I should probably send that out fairly soon so I don’t forget. Oh my goodness… my cat… he hates being stuck in this room. He’s always at the door pawing at it… he wants to go and roam the house. He doesn’t use his nails but still… I don’t want him to continue this behavior… I’m not sure how to get him to stop. I had my sleep mask next to my bed…and I ended up throwing the masks at his paws and the door… hehe.. I’m sure that is not a good way… but I’ve tried different approaches and I’m not sure what’s going to make him stop. I know he’s similar to me… we like our freedom. And I know I want to be able to give us that sooner than later. I don’t like keeping him in this room either, but dang these are the rules… but I think we can be flexible enough to deal with some things we don’t necessarily like for a little while. I can see how reducing a bit of our freedom can ultimately help us have more freedom later. I took him outside earlier and he enjoyed it. I’m hoping to take him to the farm soon to meet the llamas and the birds. I feel like we’re going to have a farm in the future.. so getting him used to the different animals will be helpful. Ok… this is good enough. I’m getting tired so until next time… enjoy the new year!

Alright… wow… things keep on a’coming… hehe… it might not seem like it, but I can feel it. And man I continue to get more excited each day. So I’ve been working at the Temple in the afternoon to evening and I’m loving my conversations. There are so many people stopping by from all over and it’s really neat to be a part of that. Briefly I met a couple who might be connected to plant ceremonies in the Salt Lake area. They’re involved with volunteer work at the Krishna Temple up there in the gardening area. They did mention they have a yoga, ecstatic dance, and sound healing bath on Wednesdays. That’s my day to work but I might be able to open a Wednesday up to participate maybe. I was speaking to some of the volunteers about it and one of the German girls is leaving on Wednesday so… I offered my place here for us to do it together. Only the German girls have actually participated in ecstatic dances back home… and everyone else has been interested in trying… so hopefully we get that arranged this weekend. New Year’s Eve or on the day possibly? I cannot wait to share that experience together. I’m hoping to possibly get blind folds while we do it… let’s see if we can get that going… hehe. I scanned through what I wrote last time, but it looks like I haven’t mentioned the new priest who just arrived. He’s from Nepal… woot woot… so I’m hoping to find some time for conversations. It was pretty funny the first lunch I shared with him and the family that was staying here he said he’s from Nepal… I mentioned that’s where I want to go this year. And he said well he’ll show me around. The wife of the family chuckled and said… wow… it’s like I manifested him to come here… for sure I’ll be getting there soon… hehe… yes I’ve been mentioning Nepal many times… hehe… I’ve got my mission and I am attracting network opportunities to get there. So the priest arrived yesterday and he’s staying in one of the rooms at the place I’m staying. The family left today to return to Dallas… and I think I did have that comment about the evening aarti when their son played his flute. It was beautiful. I could hear him while I was working, but I wanted to make it up there even for a little time to make sure he saw that I saw and heard him. I was able to sing along with him and I loved it. I can hear that he was pretty steady but he started to let loose and started to ad lib a bit and it was great… so I had to encourage him to continue to freestyle and go with the flow… because it was great to have the flute sound radiating in the temple. Plus the priest was on drums…. And so it was really fun to hear everyone together. The family was soooo sweet and I’m grateful they were the first guests to stay with me. We got a selfie with the African grey parrot, Ramu to capture a moment. Since the family left… the husband and wife were not comfortable with me and the priest staying at the house together alone. They said this isn’t normal for ashrams to allow that. They tried to move him to the cabin where they live, but all the rooms are occupied… so they allowed us to do this at this time while they can see if they can make different arrangements. The priest whispered to me that they’re scared of fire and air together… it creates a lot of heat. That was one of the first things he mentioned to me was how attractive I was. It was surprising to me to have a priest act in this manner. He’s not overboard with it, but still I didn’t expect this. I mean he has a wife and children and I’d assume these comments wouldn’t be coming out of him. But he has no clue that I’m not interested at the least in having any relations with him in that manner. But the wife also told me that he’s new to the country and it’s best that I keep my distance, and try not to start any conversations while we’re alone together. When she was saying this she happened to mention that I’ve got a very strong energy… she was saying something like a whirlwind or whirlpool… something like that… and who knows what I’m going to attract towards me. Again I was a bit shocked she was saying this… but I wish I could have a conversation more about my history and my mission… but we haven’t had these moments yet. There was another incident today which I didn’t think was going to happen, but somehow I thought it could be a possibility but I wanted to see how things would fall into place. There is a gentleman who I met and went to eat dinner at the place he’s staying. He was supposed to go to Arizona, but he’s decided to spend at least another month here in Utah. Any way he’s been messaging me… a bit too much and so I said I don’t really want to message this much back and forth. If he wants to have an engaging conversation, then it’s best to speak in person. I was telling him different options and finally he said that he would come and join evening aarti and be able to spend the night if he volunteers the following day. So I’m assuming… he’s already volunteered here for two or three months at the beginning of last year so I figured he’s already built a relationship with the wife… and I’d assume that he would get all the arrangements taken care of before he arrived. Well… he joined the aarti… I’m downstairs closing the buffet and getting the building ready to close and lock up… and the wife was training a bit more and then I hear him ask the wife if he’s able to volunteer the following day. She was fairly abrupt with him and short and I noticed that she wasn’t too fond of him. It’s obvious he is attracted to me and he mentioned the reason he was there was because of me. She asked when he was going to volunteer… during the morning? She monitors the volunteers in the morning? He wasn’t answering and was hesitating. He said he’d like to do the morning aarti with the husband, but he’d like to volunteer in the afternoon with me. She looked at me and said I’d have to give him work if he wants to do this. I said well… I can give him dishes at least and I’m sure there’s more I can find for him to do during my shift. So… that was the conversation and in my mind is… he never called and talk to her about this… so he hasn’t mentioned anything about spending the night at the place…so I brought it up to the wife. I said… ok by the conversation I just heard… he hasn’t gotten a hold of you before he arrived. She said… you don’t really know this guy do you? I said no… I just met him here. She’s like well… he’s definitely a character. I said… well what he hasn’t said is that he wants to spend the night at the house. She forcefully said no! He looked at him and said you do not have permission to stay here. All of the rooms are taken up at this time. And she was looking at me and said that she had no prior notice of this. I said I thought he was going to talk to you about this. And she was implying that that’s what everyone says. I said… hearing the conversation he just mentioned this to you… so I knew he didn’t get your permission. That’s why I stopped you before you left because I want you to address this. She said that nobody stays the night or the weekend unless she knows first. The family that stayed with us got a hold of her and told here how many days… and she scheduled everything out and they had to pay for their stay. I said yes that sounds like a good process. She ended up getting a call in the middle of the conversation. And I look at him and started chuckling… I asked him… why wouldn’t he contact her before he arrived? He didn’t want to answer when she was still around. She came back and enforced her decision. He said he brought a sleeping bag with him… is there a public area where he can sleep for the night… she said no again. Absolutely not… he’s going to have to go somewhere else to sleep tonight. I nodded and said that’s not a problem… the buses are still running. She ended up leaving and I was left with him. So I asked him again… I said she’s the boss around here… of course he has to get permission from her. He said… well.. no body here follows her rules. Many do things behind her back…she’s really strict. And I looked at him and said… do you think I’m not going to follow her rules? She knows the activities I do that aren’t what she wants on property and she said that if I do it off of the property she can’t stop me, but if I’m on property she wants me to follow the rules. I told him I want to work as a team with her. I don’t mind following her rules. She’s created an amazing space that I’m going to have many opportunities by being here. So I know you didn’t want me to mention this to her… but I can’t believe you didn’t tell her. She already is trying to trust me… so I saw the red flag and jumped on to it. I respect her. I’m here to hopefully get her to have time to relax, paint, and just rest a bit more than what she’s been having. She and her husband have been working everyday for twenty years. I’ve heard they’ve had one vacation for a weekend to volunteer at an animal sanctuary. She’s been working hard and is probably irritable. I feel if we can find opportunities for her to rest and rejuvenate… she doesn’t have to be so curt with everyone. She’d be able to be more gentle, but I know how irritable I can get without getting any rest… so I’m hoping to be that for her… even if it’s a small period of time. I feel he heard me. I told him I have integrity and I wasn’t going to go behind her back. No way would that be comfortable for me. Now that I’m writing this… what kind of man is he… if he’s not able to communicate clearly with her? It’s quite a cowardice move. I got time to talk to him more and I’m not trying to make him feel bad, but damn it… be courageous… even if you think it’s going to go bad… do it anyway… do go behind people’s back. I know he assumes he knows me, but I wanted to make clear tonight that he hasn’t heard much about who I am… he likes to talk a lot about himself. But it’s time for him to get a reality check. I can be a lot easier to give it to him… but he has a better idea of the strength I have. What was interesting was while we were waiting for the yoga to finish up… we were chatting and the husband comes in with some groceries. The husband saw this guy and again I could see he wasn’t fond of him either. He asked what he was doing here at this time? The guy said that he wants to join in morning aarti tomorrow and also volunteer afterwards. The husband looked at him and said. Honestly I don’t think that’s a good idea. If he wants to come on Sunday, that’s ok, but he doesn’t want him on property on any other day. The guy asked him, why? And the husband looked at him and earnestly said… we housed you for months here and he was very difficult to handle. He was there to volunteer, but he wasn’t productive at all… things never got done and there were too many controversial conversations about complaining instead of just doing what they asked him to do. He even said that he seemed like a black hole. I could tell the husband wanted to be clear and firm. But he also was gentle and said that he didn’t want to have to say this, but he asked a direct question and so it gave him the opportunity to give him his honest opinion. I could tell that it hit hard for the guy as well. But I don’t know their history… and honestly if this is how it went down… then I can see why they had their opinion and they have the authority to make these decisions. So when the husband left us… again I looked at him and chuckled… and I said wow… what’s going on here. He seemed a little distressed and said well… I’m going to have to tell you something. He referred to the five languages and how the acts of the service is something that is far from what he’s used to doing. So that’s why he wanted to do WWOOFing. This Temple was the first experience for him to try to get better at the acts of service. He said that that was tough to hear from him. He said that the husband would never talk to him while he was living there. He said he wished he would’ve said something while he was there and he would know to make those changes. I said well.. how well do you know yourself. And he said he does self reflection all the time… so he knows himself. Then I said…well you know if he was telling the truth or not. He said well.. he’s been having slight issues with a few of the locations that he’s been volunteering at. Not in the same words, but there was another location that asked him to leave because of political talk that wasn’t agreed. Finally the location he’s at they respect his service he gives. So I said… ok… well you started here and you sucked at it, but it looks like you’re getting better. I wondered if he had ever worked before because that’s acts of service. I asked if he’s taught anyone something… again acts of service. And so he said he used to tutor and he found it easy. And so you are trying to stretch yourself in acts of service that you feel is challenging for you. And he said yes exactly. He wants to get out of his comfort zone to push himself and learn and grow. I said this is great… and as you can see it’s not easy and it’s ok to suck… but as you continue… you’re getting better. If you know this about yourself then you should be able to take his opinion better. The husband doesn’t know the history and the work you’re doing… but he was also being honest and that should be respected. I was able to lock everything up and set the alarm so I can do this three or my four shifts. I’m still missing steps through the shift… and I know I get into conversations quite easy as well. I can see conversations with guests is fine, but tonight I was really getting into speaking with the volunteers again. They work the opposite shift as I do, so we haven’t had time as easily as when I wasn’t living here. I actually had a great conversation with the Chinese volunteer. Everyone went on a walk and she stayed back to feed the llama… I helped with this and so this allowed us time to share. Yes, Aya came up and she loved it! She’s the one writing her master paper on spirituality and so I have been wanting time with her. She said that she feels that she’ll try it at least once in her life. She had many questions and I enjoyed being able to talk with her before she leaves next week. She is so adorable and sweet… I hope to get better at describing people… hehe… my vocabulary is limited.. hehe… but she’s very soft and tender and kind… I really enjoy having her around. I’m already starting to miss them as well. Same thing with the family that visited. I’m going to get better at not being attached to all the amazing people who are going to be coming and going at this location. The guy who came to visit had until 9:30 before he could catch the last bus to go to his place. And I said it was fine for us to hangout until then. We went to walk across the field to get to my place… and he said that he has some boxes that he brought with him… he comes around with two large cardboard banana boxes, a duffel bag, and a backpack… again I chuckle… wow… you brought quite a bit with you huh? He thought he was going to be allowed to stay a few days. I shook my head… he brought all of this without getting permission… he probably knew he was going to run into resistance and thought I wasn’t going to catch on to what he was trying to do. Geesh… anyway. I wanted to get more time with him and see what I can help him with. He wanted to know more about my Aya shamanism and I said that it’s not time for me to go into detail… we’ll see if there’s time that will be better. He asked this because he made a comment how we both know about our shamanism styles… and I said… I haven’t had the time to share. I was listening to him the whole time. So he thought this would be the time to listen to my ceremonies. But it’s not the time. I wanted to see if he could see what these ceremonies have done to my approach to life. So he asked again what in my life lead me to be here? I asked if could get a little more direction on what he wants to know… this is a pretty broad question. He said how did I get to be so confident and courageous with my speech? He said that it’s unique to him. hehe.. I don’t know if he’s being honest or if he’s trying to flatter me, but I asked for direction and so I went ahead and continued our conversation. We were able to share quite a bit… I was trying to give him some nuggets that actually could help him… but honestly I was being a bit sneaky with it… I was using my interaction with the female devotee…. He knew briefly of what went down. But some of what I was trying to help her see… is a general help for all of us in some degree. He had quite a bit of direct criticism tonight and so I thought if I implied it indirectly it would be easier to take. And he’s very intelligent in his own way… and I do feel like he does listen. We spoke quite a bit and he finally asked me to be one of his speakers at his gathering in the fall. I chuckled and said this is not a project I want to commit to at this time. I have my own mission and I’ve got my eyes focused on this. If by chance his gathering is going to be a part of it… then we’ll know closer to that time. But right now… I’m not going to commit to this… hehe… he finally got the hint that I’m not just lolli-gaggin’ around. And… I’m not just talking shit. Even when I was being quite firm and abrupt… it seemed like he was falling deeper in love with me…hehe… not really I felt like he was increasing his respect for me. And that’s what I want… I respect him, I’d love to have this reciprocated. Plus I’m pretty sure that he understands that I’m not looking for a romantic relationship with him. There was a really great and insightful conversation we had… but honestly I’m getting tired and it’s not the same unless its coming out naturally. It was what was needed to be said at this time. He was laughing when he asked me to be one of his speakers… he said I can tell it how it is… I laughed and said … this is just how it is for me and the people I’m dealing with… hehe… but yes. Very interesting… absolutely love this life… so very interesting and I’m eager to see what each moments brings and observe how I respond to it. Guided…respond…learn…how my relationship is going… guided… respond… learn… it’s been exactly what I’ve wanted and needed. Thank you! Alright… until next time…

Beautiful day with some new guests that are visiting from Dallas. It a mother, father, and son. Their origins are from south India. They arrived today during the lunch hour. I had done some grocery shopping in the morning to have some supplies for them to snack on if they wanted to partake or not. I’ve spent most of the day with them, and I really enjoyed our time we shared. They are doing a bit of travel during the winter break… the son wanted to participate in some snow sports so they’ve been skiing a little bit in Park City near Salt Lake…. And now they are spending time at the Temple so they can help in anyway they can. They might also go to the hot springs, but we’ll see how that goes. The wife has allowed me to pretty much show them the ropes around here and it’s been my pleasure. I really enjoy them. They have been enjoying the time they are spending with me as well. They said they would like me to let them know what they can help out with… hehe.. I was telling them that the wife is the one who pretty much runs the volunteers. I’ll give them suggestions, but honestly she’s the one who knows what needs to be done. Before they arrived and after my shopping.. I needed to grabe some water from the temple. I walked by the female volunteer and I said good morning. I know she said not to talk to her, but I figured there would be no harm to at least be friendly and say good morning. Hehe.. she had such contempt in her eyes when she saw me.. I just continued to smile and I didn’t expect her to reciprocate… but kill them with kindness is my approach many times…and I guess that’s what I’ll have to do… hehe.. at least for now. But I noticed I forgot to bring the carrots I bought for the llamas… so when I returned after taking the water, cereal, and milk back to the house… I tried to feed the llamas for the first time with the carrots. It was quite funny. At first I was with the females. There was a black llama with white on her face. She was the most eager to try the carrot and once I fed her… she was stopping any of the other females from eating the carrots… she was spitting at them and it’s kind of like spitting air to let them know to stay back. I had one of the German volunteers who happened to walk by while I was doing this and she tried to distract that black llama and tried to feed more. But the same thing happened. There was a tan llama that finally got a carrot but then she was engaging in the same activity of stopping the other llamas from trying any of the carrots… hehe… I went over to the male side and I say the hierarchy much clearer. Again I feel it’s obvious to see which one is the alpha and second alpha and so on. I tried to feed the first male llama I saw but he didn’t take the carrot right away. The second alpha came up pretty quickly and he enjoyed the carrot and made sure that I couldn’t feed anyone else… UNTIL the alpha came up and was wondering what I was feeding them. Once I tried to feed the alpha I noticed the second alpha knew he was subordinate to the alpha and let him eat. And again… the alpha didn’t have to act in the same manner… every male just knew to let him eat… hehe… so yes it was interesting. I thought maybe I’d have to try to start to feed the lowest on the totem pole and work my way up, but I don’t think that will work either… hehe. It was funny to see this behavior. After lunch once we finished eating I was already introducing myself to the guests. I took them out there and thought maybe with the four of us spread out that maybe we could feed more llamas, but we continued to run into the same situation. So the female llama who is black and has white on her face got most of the carrots. I took them on the hill where the radio tower is located and they got a great view of the property and the surrounding mountains. I also was able to show them where we are staying. I told them I usually just walk through the field but since they have a car… I can show them where the road is. They said they had space for me to sit so I should join them. We drove to the house and I showed them around. Originally we thought the parents would stay in the master bedroom with their own bath and the son would stay in another room. They wanted to stay all in the same space and asked if they could put down a sleeping bag. I offered to just move one of the beds into the space and we compromised by bringing in a mattress onto the floor. We all decided we’ll just rest until later when we’ll go eat dinner and participate in aarti together. While we were resting I could hear the son was sneezing a lot. I asked if everything is ok.. do they need anything and they said they’d like to go and get some allergy medicine for the son. They didn’t mind walking and so I told them that the grocery store is within walking distance. I ended up taking a nap again. I’ve been finding that I’ve been sleeping quite often during the day… hehe… I’ve been reading the Bhagavad Gita from time to time. I just now got to the third chapter. It’s interesting… I find that I feel like many of the interpretations sounds like a human interpreting the text… and not necessarily the interpretation from a non human perspective. But that is what I figured. I continue to see that this line of disciplic succession is stressed highly in this text. I found a part that wasn’t necessarily resonating with me… again why i feel it’s a human interpretation. Let’s see if I can find it… 1.43 O Krsna, maintainer of the people, I have heard by disciplic succession that those whose family traditions are destroyed dwell always in hell. (Translation from the Sanskrit) Arjuna bases his argument not on his own personal experience, but on what he has heard from the authorities. That is the way of receiving real knowledge. One cannot reach the real point of factual knowledge without being helped by the right person who is already established in that knowledge. There is a system in the varnasrama institution by which before death one has to undergo the process of atonement for his sinful activities. Onc who is always engaged in sinful activities must utilize the process of atonement, called prayascitta. Without doing so, one surely will be transferred to hellish planets to undergo miserable lives as the result of sinful activities. (Dialogue from the Krishna Consciousness founder A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada) Bhagavad Gita As It Is (Second Edition Revised and Enlarged). His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. The Bhaktivedanta Book Trust. Copywrite 1972, 1983. Printed in China 2022. Pg. 57 Possibly the people in this Forum will have a similar experience as myself. I agree that the right person who has already established knowledge is a powerful way to receiving real knowledge… BUT fortunately for us, the person also knew that hearing what knowledge he has to share can not be understood until we receive our own personal experience of this knowledge. I wonder how many people understand this? It definitely goes into the authority to our lives. Learning we have authority as well… again… I understand this to a degree… but also how can we further explain that’s not always the case… hehe… anywho… While I’m reading… I’m finding myself wanting to pick at each line a bit… but I understand there are certain customs that were in play during the times of the writing. I can see how culture has influenced the human side of the writing… But I have been introduced to some of the scriptures where I see the non human perspective… so I’m looking forward to see how the scripture unfolds. I also have been running into situations where there are rules and regulations that are set in place but I wonder why studies that have been founded between the time of this writing and now… hasn’t adjusted any beliefs. Did I mention the whole onions, garlic, and mushroom thing that I ran into? I think that was part that was erased… hopefully it doesn’t do the same… who knows until I go to post this… hehe. But anyway. Here I was told that onions and garlic are not to be used as food. These are only used by Aryvedic healers as medicine. So they need to be prepared in a certain way. By the way… this is interesting to me and I”m open to hearing more about these concepts… however… there was more to it… I was told that eating large amounts of onions and garlic also enhances the need for sexual desires. I chuckled because again in my experience I eat quite a bit of onions and garlic… I mean they’re delicious and flavorful… but I’m not lusting over sexual desires carelessly… so again… it can go back to the authority saying this to be true… but what if direct experience seems to show something different? I don’t know… I’m going to follow their rules and so I’m leaving onion and garlic out of my diet for now. And I guess I’ll see what it’s like to have them removed from my diet. I don’t want to speculate until… I’ve actually given this a try. I was also told mushrooms are a fungus and not a vegetable… so they are not to be a part of our diets either. We ran into a couple passing by and it was a bit funny because the gentleman was talking about where he lives outside of Philadelphia. Dude!!! It happened again…hehe… for some reason this page reloaded and half of the text was deleted… hehe… I’m not sure what’s going on. Well darn it… I was finishing it up. Geesh again… what to do? Should I rewrite everything that was deleted? Darn it…. Well… I guess I was in the middle of my thought and I’d like to get the thought out… and I really don’t want to write everything out again. Let’s just say I ate lunch with this couple and we found that our topic of mushrooms was not the right time or place. I ate with a young lady from Texas whose origins are from Mexico and had great conversation about her noticing the temple and decided to come and check it out. She was happy to be able to take her time and explore the Temple and its grounds. Tonight I ate with the visiting family at a local Indian restaurant where they invited me to join them. We were singing and playing music for the aarti together tonight… which was beautiful… and we had a lesson with the wife after… so we missed the buffet. But darn it… we had an amazing time together and I’m looking forward to tomorrow as well.. but I was talking about a part of the lesson the wife was talking about that had me thinking… So… I’ll just continue that thought… Here’s what it says in the Bhagavad-Gita As It Is… As soon as one becomes a devotee of the Lord, he also has a direct relationship with the Lord. That is a very elaborate subject matter, but briefly it can be stated that a devotee is in a relationship with the Supreme Personality of Godhead in one of five ways: 1. One may be a devotee in a passive state; 2. One may be a devotee in an active state; 3. One may be a devotee as a friend; 4. One may be a devotee as a parent; 5. One may be a devotee as a conjugal lover. (Pg4) When she was speaking this to us… she was implying that the passive state is where our relationship begins… and as we get deeper into our relationship we then move our relationship into the active, to friend, to parent, and then to lover. This is getting me to see where my relationship with Infinite Intelligence is at this time? As all of this stuff going on with the computer erasing my thoughts completely or half way… and what I’m finding myself being… that I feel like I’m moving into the devotee as a friend… I was really putting out all my thoughts about things that has been happening but purely for my purpose of purging… and there is consequences to doing this… so I feel like the messages that are getting deleted had moments where I haven’t been as friendly as I could be at the situation. I am really grateful that I’m here… and I know I’m going to be growing leaps and bounds by being here and interacting with the people who are drawn here while I’m here. I can be more tactful of how I’m relaying this in the public domain. I am engaging with the Divine at all moments… I can be more appreciative of our friendship and the way I’m getting taught… so I am understanding this… I can be better at helping people who might be reading this understand this is going on as well. I know it feels good to purge but again… maybe purging out every little detail isn’t what is helpful at this time. Finding that all of these experiences are a friendly way for me to continue to grow deeper into my spiritual understanding… and yes this is what I would like.. and I can return the same respect and be friendly back when relaying my lessons. There are different degrees of friendliness… I can go deeper into this. And that’s what I originally was wondering about… was how will eat feel to be a devotee as a parent and then a conjugal lover? Well… it’s time for me to learn how to be a friend at this time. When and if the time comes for our relationship to mature… then ok… but I’m happy to learn how to be a friend deeper. Ok… I’m going to go ahead and get ready for bed and read a bit… so on and so forth… until next time…

Ok… wow… very interesting… let’s see if I’m able to get this posted or not. So… how to approach this? First of all… I know that I’m going to be learning a lot while I’m here. And I want to make sure that I”m being understood fairly clearly…. I find ways to learn and usually it’s really from daily conversations and interactions. These give me lessons and my emotional reactions shows what I’m attached to and areas I need to look at. So I got triggered today and also triggered people. I knew I was a hesitant to move on property but I’m still hopeful because I can see in these 48 hours there’s a lot of opportunities for contemplation. So… what I noticed that I was getting triggered. This was involving this baby llama. When I first was helping with this baby llama, what I heard was that we are trying not to get her to imprint on humans. What I’ve been told is that when they imprint, they don’t see themselves as humans, but they see us as llamas. When they see us as llamas they will treat us as llamas. So supposedly again what I’ve been told is that they shouldn’t be spitting at us if they’re not imprinted. It’s when they’re imprinted will they be more likely to spit at us because that’s how they communicate with other llamas. Now I’m not saying I agree with this, but the person teaching me this… sees that llamas should be trained to be obedient to us. Now they also see animals have their own soul and connection to the Divine, but there is still a bit of hierarchy. I’ve heard a few times of how useful the llamas are to serve us. Again I’m just beginning my experience with llamas and so I’m open to here any comments that is being given. Right from my point of view… llamas who are wild and free don’t have to do anything but to be what they want to be and don’t have to serve anyone but themselves and their community or herd or whatever this is called. But when they are put into enclosures there brings a different dynamic into play. They are more highly involved with human interactions. So yes… I’ve seen a few llamas spit at us. I apologize when it happened to me because I know that I have done something that wasn’t comfortable for that llama. In fact I was getting the little baby to feed and a female next to the llama spat at me. I was emphatic knowing that I could’ve scared her and also maybe I shouldn’t be so involved so much with the young ones. We have good intentions to help the baby getting larger and warmer in this weather. Again I’ve seen llamas in the Andeans and I do question why the winter is such a dramatic time to have children. And honestly… in the wild it probably isn’t a problem, but since they are getting born in enclosures that some of the natural abilities are being skewed so maybe adding more assistance actually might be necessary. But the person who is teaching me all of this was spat at one day and her reaction was quite different. She was a bit offended that a llama would act that way to her. She was making it clear in human language that that behavior is not acceptable. She didn’t do anything harmful to the llama or anything.. but I’m sure the energy she was creating from her reaction gave a little sign to the llama that she wasn’t happy with the behavior. So there was still communication going on. But anyway we are feeding supplemental milk to the baby. Granted I’m not here every day so I’m not doing this as much as everyone who has been living here. They also live right next to the llamas and so they have had more consistency doing these feedings in the morning and evening. When we first started we were leading the llama with a harness and lead. We were trying to train her to be comfortable to walk in this manner and also her get used to the procedure. We have been taking her into the temple to feed her. So this is why we were using this method. There’s a few times where I’ve fed her out in the enclosure, but I guess the last few weeks it’s been indoors. So I had been noticing that we’ve been carrying the llama instead of using a harness and lead. I thought yes I’m sure that’s the easier way, but I didn’t think we wanted to have much touching involved because of the imprinting issue. But I’m not the one leading this so I’m just observing. Well… yesterday the leader finally said that she would like to have the baby placed on a harness and lead again to take inside. I was happy to hear that, but I also thought in the back of my mind that this will take more effort now and there’s going to be some of us who will not like to be patient with this baby. And that was the case the two times I was helping lead the baby indoors. She didn’t want to go. She was being stubborn. So I’m ok if it takes awhile… again I haven’t been with her day in and day out.. so I feel like I’m more likely to give her patience. But also maybe I might be much more softer than needed as well. I do not know the correct balance of this. But of course it makes me uncomfortable if we’re dragging her. I can see how we can do it for a little bit but for the most of the time doing this doesn’t feel good. In fact this evening she would fall onto her side twice because she really didn’t want to go. It made me feel bad. To me it’s obvious that she doesn’t want to go. But I also see that babies can be stubborn and again the intentions are well in nature so I’m still going with the crew to get her inside. This morning there is about a four month old llama who seemed to comfort her and he was walking free next to us. I asked him to join us outside of the enclosure. The babies are allowed to travel the property freely and so I thought if he was walking around her that would comfort her… and for the most part it helped. This evening he wasn’t there and she was exceptionally resistant. I know that this makes our crew uncomfortable as well. And so I’m tryin got figure out what the best approach is for this all… I feel the energy of the resistant llama… I feel the energy of the impatient crew member… and then I feel my energy of wanting things to slow down and relax. Again what I was told that eventually the baby llama will get the idea of the routine and eventually it will get easier because they’ll like getting the additional food. Well it’s been a month and I still see how resistant she is about the process. So this has been building up in me… and this evening I was watching the baby getting fed and to me it seemed like she was obviously finished eating. I know that she’s going to be a stubborn baby and not want to eat all of the time, but I’m wondering when is enough, enough. When is it ok for us to just say ok… she did good enough to drink half the bottle… and she’s not going to drink the full bottle right now. This morning… she did very well and drank the full bottle without much resistance. To me it didn’t look like there was much resistance… she was drinking… but this evening.. it was a different situation. She has recently started eating hay too. So yesterday she gained a pound when our original goal was a half a pound a day. So I’m getting excited because I’m thinking shortly we won’t have to continue doing this, because she’s gaining her own weight… Again it might be naive… but if she’s going to be able to gain a pound a day… if we aren’t feeding her twice a day… she’s getting her half a pound which is the healthy amount to gain for a baby llama. I really wish I would be able to observe the difference in size from a natural fed baby to a supported baby. The four month baby was naturally fed, but he’s also male. So I’d like to compare the female baby with him but it won’t be as accurate possibly because I’m assuming the male might be a bit bigger anyway. i don’t know… hehe… but I’m wondering how much help our assistance really is.. hehe… I know that the husband doesn’t actually think we should be doing all this extra stuff. He would prefer it to be more on the natural side of it. Yeah.. I’m not sure how I feel about it right now either. I was trying to keep inside my thoughts, but I eventually said that isn’t it good enough for her to drink half the bottle? I mean it looks like she’s full. When is the time when we’re helping and when we’re forcing? I really don’t know this answer and all I know is I was getting emotional and I said that I’m getting annoyed by watching this treatment. So here’s my first trigger. I didn’t want to continue watching… it was crazy because I was trying to join the Aarti tonight with these two young sisters who was with their parents visiting from Columbia. I wanted to have them participate with cymbals and drums and singing… but because this went down… I totally forgot to do this. What I should’ve done is actually go up into the temple and participate in the Aarti because I needed space to calm down… but that was not my reaction. I wasn’t responding… I was reacting. I realize this now, but in the moment I was clueless. Because I was in this state I was carrying around this energy with me into my next engagement. Which… did not go well either. This is where I started triggering people. Well… actually when I got triggered… my reaction was already triggering the crew members helping feed the llama. I reacted emotionally and I wasn’t even concerned how my words were implying that the people helping were not caring about the llamas emotional state. I know they all care for the llama and they’ve been doing their best day in and day out feeding this llama. Also my words were implying that they were being forceful and possibly might be causing trauma for this little one. But my words as well was creating the same to the crew because I wasn’t conscious about my words… and acting out of emotional state. Again I didn’t realize this at this moment. It wasn’t until I sat to eat and was talking with one of the crew members and how she felt about our interaction. I felt responsible to apologize and admit that I was emotionally reacting and I do know that it’s challenging to feed this baby and having her resist is not easy. We’re all trying to help out and we all love her. So I wanted them to know that I know they are full of love and care but my reaction wasn’t productive and was not executed in a respectful manner. I got to apologize to three of the four. I’ll speak with the fourth member tomorrow when I see her. They are one of the huge reasons why I wanted to move onto property is because they are amazing people and I wanted to spend time with them. And I want them to realize that I know it’s difficult… but it was difficult to me to watch and I should’ve been able to walk away and let them do their task without my emotional reactive opinion. So again… we can get that I wasn’t in a very conscious state. I knew I needed to stop watching the feeding… and I wanted to calm down… but again… instead of walking upstairs into the temple… I walk over to the counter with two of the devotees. One of them I’ve been talking with mostly since I’ve been here. He’s very excited that I decided to move in… he’s been trying to get me to move in from the beginning. And the other devotee is someone I’m just getting to know. She is the one I was triggering… not that I was trying to trigger her.. but I know the crew wasn’t trying to trigger me either… but again for me triggering shows me areas I have attachment to and I need to work more in this area… so I’m not reacting… I’m able to respond. Again… I cannot help that this is going to be from my point of view…so if someone is to ask her how the conversation… it can be a completely different and so understand that this is only one perspective of the conversation. So… it started out very casually… The male devotee just came back with two of the volunteers. So I asked how that went and asked what they did. He said it was beautiful but getting very cold. They went to the lake and it was frozen over. They were there during the sunset so there was gorgeous views. They stopped a few places around the lake and found spending time with horses which they all enjoyed. I know many of the volunteers post on their social media, so I’m looking forward to see what pictures they were able to capture. So I was trying to have a casual conversation to just calm my nerves and also thought it would be a way to see if I can gain rapport with the female devotee. We don’t talk much generally and since I have a good relationship with the male… I thought this would be a good time to have a general conversation to get to know one another better. He said that he’s so happy that I have decided to join the community… and she said that she was so happy that he has decided to join us. He said that he has decided to extend his stay here for another few months. I was happy to hear this because originally he was going to leave shortly. I said… ok great… you’re planning on staying through the festival then? That will be nice to spend so much time together. He was happy to be sharing time as well. He ended up saying that he’s looking forward to preaching during that time… and then he stuck out his tongue and said… wait I don’t like that word “preaching”… he said… I’m looking forward to “sharing” during this time. I said yes I agree… I like the word sharing as well and like to use this. So I was talking more about the more fundamental definition of how I perceive preaching to sharing. I was saying that sharing is more of a conversation where all parties are able to be involved with the conversation… where preaching there seems to be only one person speaking and everyone is expected to listen. In my opinion… I’d enjoy the sharing compared to preaching. Well… I obviously wasn’t communicating clearly or… possibly… again this is my opinion… they are assuming something behind my words. The female devotee started saying how this is not what she sees in sharing. To her she is not interested in hearing other people’s beliefs… if they are coming into the temple, they should be open to hearing about our beliefs, but that doesn’t mean we are necessarily open to hearing about their beliefs. She said that if she was going into a Mormon temple she doesn’t think it’s ok for her to share her beliefs about Krishna… she’d expect people to ask her to leave is that was the case. I was trying to let her know that I’m not insinuating that sharing means sharing beliefs… I’m talking about having the ability to have conversations with people. Especially if people have questions… that’s allowed correct? Many people visiting this temple are new… so I’d think they’d have questions. The male devotee said yes… of course I love questions… and I know this to be true… I’ve seen him interact with the visitors. He’s very warm and welcoming and I haven’t really seen him not open to questions. But I know the female devotee wasn’t feeling like she was being understood by me. I was trying to tell her that I’m not trying to have a conversation about converting one another… I was trying to talk generalities of what the difference between sharing and preaching means to me… and was seeing if that was a safe assumption to what was being meant when he said he’s excited to share with visitors. He put it a bit better for me when I messaged him earlier… but she is more on the orthodox style of Krishna consciousness. I was getting that from how she was communicating to me. Many of the words she was using was referencing the texts that they use… and these words should be explanation enough. Of course… I am not able to be tactful at times… so I know I responded with my own experiences with dealing with religions when I’m visiting their places of worship… Most of the people I seem to be drawn to are open and eager to have conversations about spirituality. And then I had to see if they notice when they get offended by people’s opinion if that’s something that they might recognize as areas of spiritual work? Again he was able to say that some of the work he’s learning is discernment. Which I agree is a great lesson to work through. But again… she was not liking me asking this question. It’s ok to not want to be open to hear things that are untrue. Krishna does not care about right or wrong. As long as people serve him is all he cares about. If we choose to not serve him, then we can find demigods to serve. I said what I’m trying to ask is… how do we know what spiritual work we should be working on personally? I said I’ve found when I get triggered… this is an area to work on… personally… I’m not thinking oh these people who are triggering me are wrong and untrue… hehe… well maybe in my reactive state, but when I take time to contemplate… I can see that this is not the case. This is a lesson for me to learn from. Not that the correct way to learn is to just take the opinion of the other people… but to ask why do I have such an emotional reaction to this topic? Again this is one way I can see spiritual work I have. She was not wanting to answer this questions… but the male devotee said that Bhakti is the way he does his spiritual work. Oh my goodness… how do I feel about sharing this? It gets even more intense… and should I be picking out all the details? Man… All I know is that I feel like we’re on the same team; however, our approach is different. I feel like I want to be more effective in my communication… and so I guess I’m trying to see how effective team members are with their communication as well. I feel like I am definitely out of place at times when I’m here… but I don’t know why this is. I feel like I’m an instigator… but am I intentionally doing this? I know I like people to explore themselves.. but I also know that when I see walls… that it’s not the time to continue. I still need to work on recognizing when conversations are getting intense… it’s the time to be much more cautious… and I find it’s when I’m getting more careless and that is not the way I want to be. I think we had an interesting engagement so I think I will continue. This really reminds me of the message I got last year… we are family but it doesn’t mean we’ll get along… hehe. I shook my head when he said this. I was hoping to further engage in this response but the female devotee was again not liking my conversation. I don’t know how to really type out this conversation that was being had because there’s bits a pieces that comes into my mind… which are probably out of order and hard to follow.. but darn it… I’m wanting to purge… so I’ll have to do it the way that is coming to me. So I wanted to see if they understood that if we are open to having sharing conversations and we hear something that we don’t agree with… we can respond in different ways.. right? I was even trying to use Krishna or even their founder Swami Prabhupada in a hypothetical. If we would assume if they were having conversations with people who are saying untruths that they would be triggered by this? Or would they be able to be so deeply in their truth that other people’s opinion wouldn’t phase them. She was telling me that their mission is to serve Krishna and Swami Prabhupada has asked his followers to share the Bhagavad Gita to everyone… they are to awaken people and it’s a state of urgency. And again… it was not the time to ask her questions… I know she was upset but I did not stop myself. I was saying that I have heard how well Swami Prabhupada who she really is a devotee too as well with Krishna… How well I’d assume he was able to connect and communicate with people here in the States when he came by river boat. I feel he wasn’t as effective as he was, if he found his solution was to ignore people who spoke untruth. I figure he’d understand and embody truth to the point that he knew he would have to talk to people who didn’t share this understanding. To be able to be as effective as he was… he had to be open to engage in conversations where sharing was being done. She said that he was sharing the words of Krishna… he wasn’t being influenced by their beliefs. Again.. I wasn’t saying this was the case… for some reason I feel like she thinks I’m trying to convert them… I’m trying to see how much spiritual work can still be done to be more effective to share God consciousness or Krishna consciousness… just helping raise consciousness…. Which is where we find ourselves… and I find myself… hehe… and I keep wanting to ask myself… how much effort do I really need to do… it’s already happening and what am I really drawn to do while I’m hear. I thought maybe having conversations with other spiritual devotees… but she did not like the fact that I came to the conclusion of Bhakti before arriving to this temple. She definitely feels like there is something wrong with me. I told her that’s fine for her to have this opinion of me. I know that I am who I am and I’m confident of the love of myself and the divine… I’m not here to have her like me. I don’t need her approval to continue loving and serving. She has asked me to not talk to her. I said that is fine. We don’t have to talk… that is not a problem. With my schedule… we won’t have many opportunities to engage anyway. I’m working the shifts she’s unable to do. So… maybe I’m not really here to talk everything out? lol… I know I’ve found people to have conversation with… and again… not generalizing that everyone will be easy to talk with. I can again work on discernment. There’s so much to work on… hehe… and again I feel I’ll be blatantly being shown on all these areas. And maybe if I’ve got the time to actually work on these areas… I’ll be able to transmute these energies into something more peaceful and embracing. Again… they’re my family… we don’t have to get along… but do I still have love for them… yes… do I see myself in them… yes… do I need to be understood? No… that’s what’s hard to chew… how much I’d like to be understood.. but it’s not necessary though either. Do I need to be more understanding… yes… I can do a lot of internal work here.. and I like to see all these mirrors helping me see things in myself that are more obvious for me to adjust at this time… let’s see if I’m allowed to stay… geesh… by getting her so upset… I’m hoping that I’m not going to get kicked out. Who knows… we’ll see how it goes. I’m looking forward to see how the perfection of Reality plays out. Ok… I’ve got some shopping to do tomorrow. There are supposed to be three guests coming tomorrow and staying for three nights and leaving on Friday. I want to grab some drinking water, some bowls, plates, and cutlery so they can have snacks if they want. I already want to get snacks like fruit and nuts and veggies… so I figured I’d go ahead and offer them to the guests. The grocery story will actually be open in the morning so… I’d like to get there early and get this taken care of before they arrive…. Which I’m uncertain when that will be. I might also get some bottled water too? We’ll see… I was speaking with the wife and she thought putting a little something in the home for them would be nice. I’m sure they’re going to be eating at the temple mostly. But Im looking forward to the company. I’d like to get some more reading done and get to bed early. Ok… this helped out a bit to get some of these things out. Again… I’m not trying to demonize anyone if that is what it seems like I’m doing… I’m purging… this is spiritual purification… it helps me not have to linger so much attention and energy in rolling over the conversation and interactions over and over again. Alright you guys know what I’m saying… until next time…

Interesting… I went to post and my new wifi connection didn’t have internet connection… so I have to use my mobile hotspot on my phone. When I returned… everything I typed had been deleted. Bummer… but I wonder if I’m not supposed to publicize my opinion about what went down my first 24 hours here on the Temple’s property. Hmmm… I’m sitting here debating if I should go ahead and write it all out again. I was about to do a little more reading of the Bhagavad-Gita before I rest. I’d like to get up early to do another round of Sura Namaskara and Yoga Nidra before helping with the tofu turkey feast for lunch. Welp… I guess I’ll just see how I feel the next time I post. Maybe I’ll go ahead and give a gist of what went down next time… I’m quite tired and want to get some rest. It is interesting though… hmmm… I got some insights while I was purging… so maybe that was all I needed to do was to purge and not necessarily share. Alright… happy holidays everyone… whatever allows us space and time to celebrate and be grateful… until next time…

Ok… so I was exhausted yesterday after I got back from the hot springs. It was absolutely beautiful and they kept a lot of the natural elements to it, but ohhh… we were not ready for the hike. Well more like the ice we encountered… hehe… I think I mentioned on my last go at the wilderness therapy gig… that my hiking boots busted and so I went with my tennis shoes and so did mostly everyone else. There were two that had decent shoes but the rest of us… well we were slipping and sliding everywhere. A few of us were really timid… so what we were told would only be a 45 minute hike… took the group 2 and a half hours… hehe. So we did not stay to schedule. I mean most of us didn’t have time restrictions but the ex who took us was trying to get back in time so my roommate and his daughter didn’t get upset with him. Well because we were running late… unfortunately they were upset. The daughter got over it fairly quickly because she was laughing when we got back and he took her to see some Christmas lights. But my roommate wasn’t happy and was very frustrated and vented to me and tears were showing. She was saying how he always looks like the good guy and she always feels like the bad guy. I didn’t want to actually get involved in the middle of this and so I let her vent. But I also was sore… hehe… I slipped and fell three times so finally I had to let her know that I’d like to sit and relax and eat my dinner. She seemed like she wanted to vent more.. but I did give her ample time… probably close to an hour… that was good enough form me especially since I was cooking and wanting to eat while this was going down. But anyway… I really liked hiking with everyone. We helped each other out… and I believe it was everyone’s first time at a hot spring except for myself. So they didn’t know what to expect and they all loved it! The way back was a bit more challenging then on the way up. Plus we were pretty much at our own pace instead of waiting for each other. I didn’t mind actually I finally got some moments to just walk in peace and quiet with nature. I was sliding down a lot on the way back too which was quite fun… hehe… We all made it back safely and I’ll get to talk to them tomorrow… but I believe everyone pretty much passed out when we returned. We got some pictures and videos… I hope to get their IG names so I can tag them as well. I did post a IG story yesterday. It was with the llamas and the African grey parrot, Ramu. It’s been well over a year since I’ve posted so I had many people reaching out to me saying they missed my posts and asking what I’m doing. It was also good to say hello and wish people happy holidays. I hope to try to get back to posting more this coming year. We’ll see how things play out. I know there’s videos of things last year that I might post as well at some point… I did like using the online social media for my album storages so I can get it off my limited storage I have. This morning I spoke briefly with the wife at the Temple. I think I should be able to move in tomorrow afternoon… but she also didn’t actually confirm that either… so we’ll see. I spent today packing. But I’ve also been thinking about my roommate and her daughter when it comes to Christmas. When I say that the ex brought a trailer full of boxes… it was crowding the living room where we couldn’t even see out of the double doors in there. I felt bad that they didn’t have any space to put up the Christmas tree. I know how much that means to kiddos… so I started moving all the boxes into my closets I have in my room. I allowed them the opportunity to put the tree up and kind of hinted that they could do this together all of them… before we left, but they didn’t end up doing this. But I think my roommate will probably do it once we go. All I know is I tried my best to clear space for them. All my stuff is stacked up and ready to go. So I’m hoping I get the green light with the wife so Elvis and I can move in tomorrow. Elvis usually gets the hint that we’re going to be leaving but he seems pretty content. I feel like he’s just getting more trust in me. This move is only about 15 minutes away so that should be fairly easy on him in the car as well. I’ve been trying to get Snow their cat to allow me to love on him. She kind of wants me to, but every time she smells me she gets upset so it’s not really working out too well… hehe. She is a little cutie… well she’s actually a little bigger than Elvis, but you know what I mean. I’m going to miss playing with the daughter. I know my roommate works a lot and we got a lot of time to play around together, but I’m hoping we can setup some play dates here in the future. My roommate said that they may even come to the Temple to play with the animals. I’d love that. But again we’ll see how things play out. The ex was bummed that I was leaving as well. He said that my roommate needs my rent money. I said right now she needs more space to put all the things he brought over. Plus the cats aren’t getting along. She knew I was looking for another place as well… over a month we’ve been talking about it. It was up in the air, but because of the load that was brought in… it helped my decision sooner than later. It funny that he’s concerned with my roommates financial situation. I know she makes decent money.. and I guess he makes six figures. But he’s barely paying any support money for his daughter. To me, it would be much easier for him to pay support to help them financially… but she said he’s a tight wad and is always stressed out by money. She said that he makes close to 13,000/month… lol… I chuckle because that’s more than I make in the past few years… hehe… and wow… I’m glad I’m not anxious and stressed out to his degree. I hope as I continue to increase my financial circumstances that I continue staying calm with my relationship. Actually I’m not worried about it… I’ve been working consciously about this… and as it increases… I’m sure I’ll make mistakes but I’m more healthy than I ever have been in the past. I’m looking forward how I observe myself as this happens. I took my bath today… again I was wiped out last night and pretty much slept close to 12 hours… hehe.. so I was looking forward to soaking. I cleaned the bathroom and the bedroom up so everything looks nice and clean. I’ll probably have to do a final sweep in the bedroom once all my stuff is out. I have some food in the fridge and freezer and then everything will be ready to go. I know where everything is however if I have to delay a few days. I’m getting a bit excited. I’m not even sure how the place looks.. hehe… I’ve got an idea of what I’m getting into, but honestly I won’t know until I get there. I know by volunteering I’m at least committing to two weeks. So I feel it’s worth it to try out. I’m hoping things go well and I’ll be there longer. However, I feel like I might also be transitioning to wait for other opportunities that might be a better fit. But again who knows.. I’m open to see how things play out. Geesh! I’m looking at all my stuff and I’m like… why do I have all of this with me? Hehe… I know I was planning on staying a year here… but man… I did go a bit overboard. How much do I have… I have two tubs… two suitcases… two bags… and four backpacks and a box… plus a few items for my buddy and then two bags for food. That’s quite a bit. Oh… and my bed with all my pillows.. hehe… Yes… this will probably be one of the first things I address when I get moved in. Start the purging process. I feel like I’ll continue to purge while I’m moving around and figuring things out… but I can definitely get a good jumpstart to this at the beginning of the year. I’m almost out of my tobacco. I feel like it’s getting to be perfect timing. I think I have enough to last me until the first of the year. I might have the speciality tobacco saved back for ceremonies too. I lost a piece to my small pipe so I”ve got my grandpa’s pipe out and using that right now. I’m not sure if I want to use this pipe for ceremony though.. I’ll have to think about it a bit more… but it’s not the easiest to clean so it’s not the best to get a good hit from it. But again… I’m not sure when I’ll be sharing ceremony. I know the girl from German would like to… and I think I’m interested in sharing it with her too… but who knows if it will really go down. I saw a thread here on the Forum and I think I might have heard it before but didn’t really think about it… but absorbing Bufo or DMT through the rectum… I’d be down to try it out. And I know people won’t have as many issues of actually getting a good hit with this approach… hehe…. I just don’t know how comfortable people will be if I told them the way we’re going to administer the ceremony through the anus will go… hehe… well it’s in my awareness… so maybe this might be something to try for myself of course before I asking any guests to do this. I definitely have not run into anyone I’ve spoken to who have access to this style anyway… but crazier things have happened. I’m really looking forward to getting into the country more. There’s are some horses that neighbor the property… kind of… I didn’t know it was there until yesterday driving by. I knew the cows were ther but not the horses. Of course that always interests me. I might take a walk over there and see if I can volunteer with them as well. Again… there are some things I’d like to focus on for a bit… with my spiritual practices… I feel like I want to be less distracted at this time. Ok… I just waned to give a little information before tomorrow morning. Hopefully they’ll be some exciting news to share. Oh I’m not sure if there’s even going to be decent WiFi there… hehe.. the international volunteers said they have WiFi at their cabin but it’s hit or miss on the connection. They said the Temple has the better WiFi signal. I’m hoping the location I’m at will be a bit better because I feel there will be less of us there who want to share the service. But I thought I can go to the library and pick up hotspots if I had to. I forgot they rent out some hiking gear… I wonder if they have spikes to lend out. If I go back to the hot springs… I’d want to have some spikes on. Alright… this is good enough for tonight. Until next time…

Alrighty then… I tried my first personal message here on the Forum… well actually I tried before but I didn’t have access, but I tried again last night and I was successful. And I got a response which is great! I still feel like I’m more effective on a one to one basis… so I’ll see how it goes. I felt like the conversation is right up my alley so I thought we could have a more direct conversation to address things. Anywho… Today I planned on staying home and I was looking forward to a soak… hehe… While I was soaking I gathered some insights and made some decisions. After I cleaned myself I just laid down pretty much with only my nose sticking up for what seemed like a half hour/45 minutes… and allowed the meditative state to kick in. So I’ve been observing this Krishna temple for a month now. And even though I have some reservations… I feel like the right move for me is to move in on property. I wasn’t certain but I think this location can facilitate opportunities that I’ve been looking for. Is it perfect? No, but I don’t need perfect to grow. I’ve been wanting to quit smoking recreationally and also gain more yogic consistency with practices that I enjoy. I feel like I’ll be more likely to implement these practices if I was living on property. I’ve been talking to the wife about the smoking thing.. and I know she doesn’t want it on property… but I also know that I’m working on quitting so I think she’s going to give me some leeway. She’s already giving me leeway with my cat. But I also know how much I want to respect her policies… so I’ll be pushing myself more than when I’m on my own. The thing is she’s used to having volunteers coming through programs like WWOOF and Workaway. I did not go through these programs. I came on my own which got her to question my intentions… hehe… but we work well together and I’m transparent with her. Yes they offer yoga in the evenings, but I’m not certain if I’ll be attending these regularly… it’s just not particularly my style. But again there’s potential to meet the people who are participating. I got a ride from a sweet couple last night so I’m sure I’d enjoy more conversations… so I might because of this. But I’ve got practices that I enjoy that I want to build consistency with. Again this environment should facilitate this. I’ll be moving into housing that’s pretty much going to be empty on my floor with a family of three in the basement. I already know the dad.. and I’m looking forward to meeting the wife who is originally from Nepal.. and I believe the kid is 16. So of course I’d like to get to know them better. But also having spaces that are open to practice asanas will be nice and giving myself more time for meditation and pranayama is something I’m looking forward to. With the conversation with the German anthropologist something was sticking out to me. She said… so you’re trying to get to Nepal.. so just keep that as your focus. Everything else doesn’t matter. lol… yes I guess this could be a way to look at it, but really everything does matter… but Nepal is my focus. I’ve looked into ways of how to get this project started… and I feel like I want to try to approach it again. There might be already people I’ve met that I feel can start to help me with this. I’m sure there are things I’m missing but the point is to start where I think I can find leads to more information. So I met the product designer who own the home I went to dinner with… he mentioned angel investors… so they was a key word that stood out when I was in meditation. Does he actually know any personally? Could I arrange a meeting to see what angel investors look for when applicants are sent to them? I can see, right? And then I thought about the Mormon siblings and the brothers who make movies and they pitch to investors to get money for them to produce their projects. Why can’t I see how this works and how they got a list of investors? Can I set up a meeting with these investors as well? So who knows if this is the time for me to make these moves… but again… it doesn’t hurt to try.. if I fail and make mistakes… ok I’m not ready and the people who want to help haven’t found me either. I’ll need to get a better understanding on how this all works. Shoot I also thought maybe I can possibly have a booth at this Color festival trying to raise funds to Nepal and might be able to come up with some artwork maybe… I don’t know about this.. but it popped into my head as well. Shoot I have to admit… this is the first time in my life I think I might look into unemployment. I have no clue what this involves or how to qualify. I’ve never asked for assistance from the government except when it came to my college loans. Maybe I can find programs to help me out right now… maybe not but I feel like I would do it temporarily if I did get accepted. I’m just trying to make sure I can get the groceries and travel expenses covered because I think I’m about to go into business mode. But focusing on my business. I’d have to say it’s close to the non-profit that’s been popping in and out of my mind for the past few years… I still have it here… and I no the rules and restrictions doesn’t give me a good taste.. but I’m hoping to find a way that isn’t so much that way… hehe… but who knows.. but I”m open to find out if I can create something or find something. So after my bath… I’m feeling good. I had a message from my Indiana radio friend because we had arranged to chat today. He asked if we wanted to go ahead and do a video chat. I am open to that as long as he was. But I wanted to take a quick smoke break. He wanted to grab a coffee so I had a little time. I decided to message the wife at the Temple to see if she had any reservations for me and my cat to move in and have me volunteer. I didn’t read her response as I was talking with my friend. I was fully engaged in the conversation. So again… I love seeing how he operates. When we first began he said he hasn’t used the video chat in many years. He reminded me of how conversations go differently from messaging.. to calling.. and now to video calling. He doesn’t know what’s appropriate… hehe… in his acting days he was used to watching the camera and that’s what he thought he would do. But at times he’ll try to look at my screen to gather some information. I chuckle to myself… because once we start going he won’t have to worry about any of these issues…hehe… but to see how comfortable he is in these engagements. By the way… he enjoyed the video chat. And so did I… of course the more information and details I absorb the more I gain. But that’s me. But yeah.. wow… i feel like we have exceptional conversations. I really love his candor and I feel we give each other room to be vulnerable and honest with the topics we are engaged with. He has a degree and I believe a masters too… so he has a tendency to do a lot of research and reading to gain a better understanding of how things are in Reality. Which again is fine with me but of course I’m trying to get him to eventually have more direct experiences with these topics for himself that he doesn’t have to refer to these books and other people’s thoughts. They can definitely be referenced but to hit home… correlate it with how it’s been applied and what results are coming from the research through …. Da..da…daaaah… direct experience. Do our own research on the results that’s being given to us. Sometimes it’s great to feel a flow with someone where we don’t have to overly explain everything. There’s a language being understood through the words we are speaking. I feel we can get into this together fairly easily. We really are listening to one another and we’re interested in the conversation. I absolutely love this! He was thinking about possibly talking about things that are more on the 3D side of life and so I was telling him what I just thought about in my bath soak. Told him what steps on making to live at the Temple. He wanted some information about that and so we talked generally about this. He had mentioned a few years back before covid he was in Salt Lake City thinking of getting a second job there but found he didn’t want to have two lives spread out from Utah and Indiana so it didn’t fall through. But he said that he wished he would have slowed down so he could get those opportunities to talk to people about their spiritual practices. I said it was funny because that was just what happened to me. I had to slow down and see that there is a bigger opportunity in front of me other than trying to get a job to save money to go to the places I said I want to go. This can be achieved but in a different manner than getting some random jobs that’s going to keep me away from the location that can harbor a space for my growth and exploration. Why not allow myself the this time? I think meeting the international volunteers are also helping me give a push, because I know they’re not going to be here long… a few weeks… I wanted to be on-site to have more opportunity to get to know them more. I also know there’s just been really great conversation with the visitors as well… I’ve been loving this… again why wouldn’t I put myself in the location this is happening? I know I am trying to find ways to do things differently… and it may have seemed obvious to possibly some readers here… but to me.. it wasn’t so obvious. I mean I knew I wanted to spend time here.. but this money thing was really getting into my head. But that conversation about my real goal is Nepal. And honestly it really is.. and so I want to be able to put my attention on this project. I’m not getting these trivial positions because I have a mission I want to focus on. And damn it… no need to distract myself… allow my time to nourish and explore these ideas. As I was talking to my Indiana radio friend.. we realized how beneficial it is to engage in this manner and to find community which allows this to happen on a more consistent manner is what I have here. By the way I did send an invite for him to join us here at the temple if he can find at least time for two weeks of volunteering. It would be a blessing to have him here and I think it would be a blessing for him to also jumpstart some changes he’s wanting to create as well. I’m going to have to go on a tangent about this.. because some of my former conversations with the wife.. she had mentioned that if I was stay in the place I’m planning on moving into.. if there are volunteers that come and stay at the same location that she would need someone to oversee them and make sure they get everything they need… kind of like a RA (resident assistant)… I feel like I could definitely do this. But what would she think if I start recruiting volunteers? I’m not sure if she’d mind as long as they follow her structure. Right? And honestly my work is to elevate consciousness.. it’s the same as she but in a different way. I know she loves my personality and how I can attract people… so I don’t think she would mind at al.. hehe… I’ll talk to her about his when the time is right. But I did already send out two invitations… hehe… I briefly spoke to my girlfriend in my hometown who is on disability. I told her this could be an opportunity for her. She’s struggling with her leg… but getting her more active is what we’re trying to motivate her to do. She thought possibly spending two weeks in beautiful Utah volunteering with the animals and learning more about spiritual practices can be something she’s interested in. Again… she’ll have to make the steps to get here. She was supposed to call me later in the day which she did not do. But I’m planting seeds. I’m always planting seeds… hehe… and I’m gaining more patience in the process. Things are just different lately and I’m really excited for the potential. I’ll go back to the conversation I was having. We were talking about balancing the masculine and feminine… it was interesting how he was applying this to different projects he’s been working on… I can go into the example he had for his radio station. He is talking simply as masculine is the action and the feminine as the receptive. He’s still working things out in this mind but he had thought to possibly say when needs aren’t being met… we tend to be in the masculine side of things… we got to be active to do things and get things done and moving. While if our needs are being met then we can relax and receive. I found this interesting and to a degree I feel like he might be on to something. I guess I didn’t discuss this with him because it’s just now beginning to come into my mind of the law of attraction. I feel like I can give a personal example of getting a job thing. I was in my masculine thinking I need to make things happen so I can start saving money to travel. I’ve been finding myself pushing but I kept coming up with no results. I’ve been getting messages to rest and relax and meditate. So if I use his theory then I was in my masculine because I was feeling I was getting my needs met.. so I turned to my masculine side to get the results I thought I wanted… in the way I thought it was going to work for my situation. But… when I did give a more conscious effort to relax, rest, and meditate… go into my feminine side of reception… I was able to gain clarity onto my next few steps. As I approach my decision to move into the temple grounds and volunteer will allow me to be able to focus on myself and what I want to create… I was find solutions where my needs were getting met. Interesting? I love it! I knew he was on to something and I’ll have to tell him about this… Now we both understand that this is an understatement of masculine and feminine but in a relative way I see this can be beneficial and I feel like I understand more of what the law of attraction is trying to say.. because I’ve seen a tangible example in my experience to clarify more understanding. I can see that I could have come to the same conclusion of moving in and volunteering but have it to where it was a last minute decision because I could think I’m lacking these things in my life and again try to make things happen and be in my masculine saying to myself unconsciously that my needs are not getting me so this is what I have to do. I’m not sure if this is making sense… but I enjoyed being able to link his research and his insights into my life. And I’m grateful for having these times to communicate in the way we find ourselves communicating. I told him at the end of our conversation that what we do when we give each other the time and energy… is a gift. hehe… he was planning on going to get some gifts at the end of our conversation and he was anxious about it and wasn’t looking forward to it. I happened to ask him how he usually approaches gifts… does he get something they need, or want, or experiences to share? At first he didn’t want to talk about it because all the tension he has been building having to do this. But he recognized that he’s open to take a look at it. It ended up going into the love languages and he said that he finds that he enjoys quality time and acts of service to give to people. I asked if he thought there could be a way that his desire to do this for people could be met while giving his gift to these two people he was buying for. I also asked if there would be a way he could take these two people at different times to go and buy gifts together? We mentioned how material gifts can be easily dismissed and thrown away or discarded… so why not make the buying of the gift quality time together with the people? One is going to be more playful in nature and the other would be a possibility to have a bigger purchase and he would be giving his budget amount towards that item. So I was trying to see if he could ease off the pressure of buying the “right” gift… hehe.. he appreciated that we talked about it because he started to clarify what he wanted to do when he was flustered before. Shortly after we got off the video chat he sent me a voice recording saying… wow… exactly… the time and energy and effort that we put into this conversation really is a gift… and he thanked me. I chuckled to his response because… of course it is… but sometimes we just need someone to point it out to us… and sent him hearts in response. I can’t wait until we meet in person again. I think he’s getting a better idea of how comfortable I can get the setting for us. He’s placing the pressure on himself… but I know this… and I’ll help him to relax into our engagements. So mostly I’ve been trying to pack my things up. I thought maybe I should purge some of my items before I move, but now I think I’m just going to wait. I might sell or give away some of my items but I think it would be easy for people to find me at the Temple. Plus it can be a public spot to make people more comfortable as well. And who knows I might find people through conversation that I can start giving my stuff away. I’m thinking I”m going to start lightening my load even more. If my girlfriend from my hometown comes and visits.. I might pay for a checked bag when she returns to take back to my pops place. I brought some items that I want to keep but I don’t want to travel with them. I feel traveling will be coming up and the lighter my load the less stress and more potential for opportunities. I already have my little buddy with me… and he’s important for me to have as a companion. I don’t need to be dragging so many things around with us. I’ve been learning how I operate when I travel and so I’ll be comfortable getting it down to the nitty gritty. I”m sure there’s more for me to learn… but I’m happy for the mistakes I’ve made already… I’m grateful for all the experiences I’ve had to lead me to this moment. There’s no way I’d change a thing. This seems like a good stopping point for tonight. I’ve got things pretty much packed and ready for our hike and soak in the hot springs tomorrow. Yay! So until next time…

I spent the day at the temple. I was planning on spending time with the volunteers. I arrived around noon and they were getting ready to eat lunch. When I arrived.. my bus driver didn’t know where the entrance to the Temple was located and there were three vehicles turning onto the road. So I noticed there was a lot of activity for a Tuesday. The male llamas were close to the road so I said hello to them. I don’t think I mentioned this but when we’ve been grooming them and walking them… when we take them on a walk we line them up from alpha down by age. So I’m starting to get an idea of this when I visit the males. The second alpha is a beautiful llama and he was down there standing on a little hill. I was saying hello and there were others around. It feels like it’s noticeable which one are the top alphas… I knew which one was the alpha and the second alpha without being told. When she did confirm this I found it interesting. But as I was walking onto property I saw a very large gathering of Indian family. I spoke with them briefly and they have been on a roadtrip and they’ll be heading back to Las Vegas after their visit. I noticed a devotee sitting outside and so I sat down to talk with him. I saw some of his art today which was really amazing work. It was a drawing with charcoal and maybe chalk and pen…. He did a commissioned piece of Jesus Christ. He did a very nice job… I’m hoping I can see what else he creates. We didn’t have an in-depth conversation. He’s looking for a part-time job and we share that… he continues to ask me why I don’t just move in to the property. I’m thinking about it, but I also feel hesitant. I wanted to say hello to the female llamas as well… so that’s when I spoke with the family visiting. It was a gorgeous day and relatively warm. I was definitely over dressed… good thing I wear layers. But most of the ladies were wondering around outside of their pen area. I love being around the animals but I went inside to visit. I ate a late breakfast so I wasn’t hungry at this time so I just sat down to visit. The Indian family also sat down to eat and they had several children… I thought Ramu the African grey parrot might be a great idea for them to get entertained. I went to one of the fathers that I spoke with outside and he said that would be awesome but honestly he’s wanting to leave after they eat. If we bring Ramu for the children.. they’ll never leave.. hehe.. I said I’m glad I asked… hehe.. another father asked to warm up some milk for his baby. So I helped with that. And then one of the workers I’ve met a few times with volunteering walked in with his girlfriend and his three year old daughter. I have seen pictures of her but she’s so stinkin adorable. I finally made my way to her and we became friends immediately… hehe.. we were dancing and singing together. The Filipino WWOOFer also is an instant friend… she’s the one who showed me pictures of her… so we were playing with the child. But it seemed like all the volunteers were tired and were heading to take a nap. The brief time I sat with them I told them that my roommates x has offered to take the group somewhere on Thursday but there was a window we have… so we were trying to figure out what to do. Eventually we originally thought we’d go to Y Mountain and take a hike at the top. Later I was speaking to the wife and she said that’s quite boring. She suggests we go to the hot springs. I said I hadn’t heard of the hot springs… would we be able to fit it in the time we have? She said we should be able to and gave me information. I’m going to call tomorrow to double check that the roads aren’t closed. It’s been mild where we are, but the mountains can be a different story. I spoke with the volunteers around dinner and they seemed to like the idea. So yay! I hope it falls into place. But since the volunteers were going to take a nap… I figured I’d hangout with the child and her parents. I got to know the girlfriend a little bit. She’s making dream catchers for the gift shop. She also is thinking about making earrings as well for them to sell. She wanted to look for more feathers so I went with them to do this. The child wanted me to carry her and I got her to be the leader and I’d just follow and see where she wanted to explore. I spent a good amount of time with them until they had to take the child to an appointment. I hope I continue to get a chance to spend with them again… hehe… especially the daughter… I cannot help enjoying my time with the kiddos… hehe I decided to go and make some videos of the animals. I ended up in the field with the female llamas. I havent’ really spent any alone time on the land so I laid down and just enjoyed listening to the birds and the llamas walking and eating close by. It’s really beautiful on this land and the surrounding mountains. I continue to remember to be thankful for finding opportunities to enjoy these moments. I’ve been wanting to spend time out in nature more… so it was nice to find this time. I went to their cabin to see if anyone was up and about. It was quiet… I said hello to Ramu and there were three other birds which I think are Macaws. They are not as sweet and friendly as Ramu. One was actually trying to intimidate me… hehe… and he did a good job so I kept my distance from him. None of them can fly and I’m not sure how I feel about this. Right… I love animals but having them so far from their natural habitat doesn’t feel right though either. But it’s unfair to reintroduce them to their natural habitat when they don’t have all their abilities for survival. I can understand why they’re grumpy. So I wanted to say good bye to the wife before I left but one of the German volunteer came into grab some water. I was hoping to get some time to talk to her, but she wanted to take a nap as well. We started talking and finally we just talked for an hour and a half and ended up at the field again. I really enjoy her and we have some similarities in our personalities… hehe… it was great to have time together because it was easy to just talk about things that are going on in our lives… it was easy for us to be vulnerable and transparent. I don’t think I’m going to go into everything we spoke about… but one thing I’ll mention is she has been to Nepal before. She was envolver with one of the largest NGO programs in Nepal. So she said if I’m interested in volunteering in Nepal she would be able to give me a good contact. It was funny because she’s trying to help and has come up with strategies I’ve been trying to do, but for some reason it’s not falling into place right now. So I’m trying to allow time and space right now to feel things out. She’s so sweet though and I appreciate her support. We ended up eating dinner together. It was interesting because she’s had issues with food for most of her life. And it’s hard for her to digest. She said she’s been vegan mostly but still this didn’t help with her digestion. Of course I feel she can find a solution and I told her I got specific messages about changing my diet through ceremony and it continues to give me messages. I feel she would be able to receive those types of messages as well. She was talking about an app that she’s been using for a month now. She said it’s myHumanDesign. I’ve heard about it but it’s been a long time since I’ve ran across it and so I had to reintroduce it when I came back to my space. It’s interesting, but I’m not sure how much I’m going to use it. But what I did find interesting was how it had mentioned that when she is eating they suggest she sits to eat with low sound… so not having much conversation and multitasking… they also suggested for her to not use utensils and to use her hands. We were pretty much the only ones in the dinner area at the time… so I suggested we do this together. So we ate in silence with our fingers. I love eating with my hands… and being in silence felt good as well. She had experience with eating with her hands when she was in Nepal. It took her about three weeks to get use to it.. but she now finds benefits with it. I forgot to mention she’s an Anthropologist… which is very fascinating! We’ve already mentioned that if we can find a space to share ceremony… we’d like to share together. It’s funny because I’m thinking… hmmm… is this going to be the first girl on the team for the spiritual expedition? That would be really awesome if that’s the case. I actually told her a little more details of why I’m wanting to go to Nepal. It was easy to again be vulnerable with her. By the time dinner was done… the wife asked all of the volunteers to perform the chanting and music for the Aarti.. I really enjoyed participating in this. This is what we do for Sunday service, but to be able to share this with the international volunteers in a more intimate setting really felt good. We were chuckling about them only being there for three days and they’re already in a band… hehe… the wife said she was pleasantly surprised and maybe we should do it for the next Sunday service because there are going to have many of the usual leaders who sing and play won’t be there this coming Sunday. So I think it’s a great idea. We did a lesson as well with the wife which was interesting. There is a closing prayer for Aarti which she says protects us and closes the ceremony. So she told us the background story about why they use this particular closing prayer. I don’t have any of the names down…. But there were things she said that seemed interesting. It actually lead to a Shiva yogic sect which she feels is quite scary. Of course I’ve seen pictures of this group and of course I’m curious what can be learned from them and I feel like there’s probably misunderstanding going on. But who knows… I’m sure I’m quite naive to the different sects found in India. After the story she went into the Bhagavad Gita only for a little bit because the yoga class was going to be starting soon. I’ve got the book and honestly I haven’t started reading it yet. I’m curious to see if and when I start. I think I’m interested in at least giving it a try to see how I feel when reading it. The section she was reading was about how to become a yogi. There was a good turn out for the yoga class. And I’m glad I participated because asana practice has been in my awareness and also how I’m resisting starting up the practice again. It feels so good when I participate though. They go a lot faster than I do when I practice on my own, but it still feels soooo good. There are things that I’m wanting to change and so I feel like I’m just giving myself grace to find the time to implement these changes. I think this will be good for tonight… until next time…

Alright… so this evening went really well. I was invited to a dinner by one of the people I met yesterday at the Temple’s dinner. He was a WWOOFer at the beginning of the year at the Krishna Temple and has been hopping around Utah and he’s heading to Arizona for a little while before heading back to California. He’s leaving on Wednesday and wanted to get to know me a bit better and sent an invite. I happened to take a nap earlier and when I received the invite I thought it would be a good idea. He first asked to do it tomorrow where we would have the entire day, but I had already told the girl volunteers that I would visit on Tuesday. So I said I”m available now and tonight if that works for him. And it was great. He’s staying with a semi-retired couple. He was helping them with some yard projects and found them through the network with the inter-faith group. When we were in the car ride I was able to get to know the husband of the couple who was hosting. His profession is product design. Inventors have concepts and pattens and they go to him to design prototypes and his partner builds the prototypes. So he’s a bit of an inventor in his own right. We talked a bit about how much there has been changes in his design concepts being more aware of the sustainability of the products being made. I was wondering if there was a standard when it comes to being more aware of how to dispose of the products being design. He said there is a standard that is being formed that has that included and when he began it wasn’t there. He mentioned that when he goes toward the production process there are countries who don’t have the best reputation of manufacturing practices that aren’t sustainable… do take standards of building so they still use these countries with specifications to follow. There’s a lot of work and he can feel himself wanting to wind down but his partner is still in full force… hehe.. but he’s still managing it. We spoke about his family and he shared how he met his wife on the disco floor dancing New York swing. I loved it! He had a lovely home with an amazing view of the city of Provo. They were up on the mountain and I enjoyed being in their home and grateful for them to allow me to spend time with my new found friend. While I was at the home I helped my friend cook our dinner. He’s leaving soon so we were using up the ingredients he had and he would have left overs until he left. He also is a shaman. We have the similar ideas of everyone is a shaman. There was a difference because I say we are shamans whether we are conscious of it or not. While he feels people have the potential to be a shaman. I understand where he’s coming from. His definition of shaman is where people who have developed in a manner to be able to consciously heal or assist people. And yes I agree this is an ideal definition. I was trying to explain that how we behave is already affecting everything around us at all times. So even if we aren’t conscious of it or not… we are influencing feeling and thoughts which is powerful. I was trying to explain but it’s easier when he’s talking and then I can use his reference of an example as an example to what I was trying to convey. I think he got the gist of what I was saying. He’s very interesting and is on the logical/scientific side of perception however he’s spiritual as well. I found it interesting how our conversation unfolded. He’s very excited about his findings and what he wants to create and I’m excited for him. He said his plant medicine for him is raw fruits and vegetables. He’s found studies where eating large proportions of specific fruits and vegetables can attach to the same receptors in the brain to create the same experiences. Of course I find this interesting but I also determined that it’s not the same experiences but still it’s working for him. I told him later in the conversation that at the beginning I was trying to figure out a way to let him know that it’s interesting how many people he studies and he finds interesting, but I came to this dinner to meet him. If I get the chance to meet these people he’s talking with that will be great, but I’ll wait until I meet them and I’m not really interested in reading what they have written. It sounds a bit bad… because it’s not that I don’t find what their ideas are, but honestly I’ll be able to get more of having direct conversations with people than interpreting their words. He’s very engaged with reading spiritual scriptures and he feels like he’s having a direct conversation while he’s reading. I told him this seems like a gift he has and to realize this is not the same experience that everyone has when it comes to reading. So I guess I have to give a bit of background. He is planning a gathering with inter-faith participants and focusing on the youth. He combines around seven traditional practices into his core base of how he has building his understanding. We already were discussing that I feel he’s so into the scriptures that there might be a possibility that the youth will not connect as much as he’d like because it would feel like they’re going to a week gathering where they are being lectured to. And if he has truly practiced meditation practices… then there’s a high probability for them to turn off their hearing because they’re not being actively engaged. Is there a way to get them to be engaged or find ways to correlate the scriptures into experiences for them to understand the different between theory and actually begin the understanding that they are reading about? I just want to say… it’s really hard for me to write down every detail that’s being discussed. We are in the flow and there’s a lot that is being discussed in language and beyond language… so if I am unable to convey what really went down is something I’m working on. This Journaling process is helping me remember and gets my juices going and also a purging process. So bare with me.. hehe He appreciated the suggestions that I had for him. He can see that I was trying to brainstorm with him different aspects that sometimes he was aware of and other ones he didn’t think about. I was trying to get him to think about the long term. He doesn’t have to get all the information out in one gathering. If he thinks about his as an introduction then he can relieve some of the pressure of creating something that’s so bogged down with information. I was trying to get him to focus on getting the youth to increase their curiosity. Try to focus on making a connection so they want to continue to return. He wants to create something that goes farther than what’s already been done… so don’t fall into doing the same thing that’s always been done.. hehe. It was funny because he thought at the beginning of our engagement was getting pretty deep and I chuckled and said that this isn’t deep, but we’ll get there… hehe… and that’s what ended up happening. Each setting seemed to go deeper and deeper. We started in the kitchen of prepping. We moved into the dining room and it went a bit deeper. And then we ended up in the living room which only had little twinkle lights and much more intimate where we were able to go deeper with our discussion. By the end I was really lighting up and he loved it. I found myself apologizing that I don’t start off this way because it can be intimidating and uncomfortable for some. I have to feel out my way with how we are engaging which determines how comfortable I get for allowing myself to be this way. I was warning him that this is a way to possibly approach people as well. He is really passionate and I love that but there are times that he just doesn’t allow people to give feedback or even if they’re interested in the topic. Of course I’m patient and I guess I’m not afraid to give feedback and fortunately for him I am interested. I found myself giving him his power. I really wanted to give him confidence but also letting him know to make mistakes and be ok with this. Mistakes are genius ways to learn. We had a great conversation but again I’m falling short of explanation but he was getting the idea that he’s idolizing people because yes they are assisting in his learning but ultimately he’ll be so connected to the Divine… that he won’t be as interested in reading other people’s journey… He’ll have so many direct experiences and he’ll be exploring himself so much that he’ll be more interested in learning his personal connection than he will be with the scriptures he’s fascinated with. They are tools to point us to the direction to find these truths for ourselves. And who knows… we may be able to reach deeper understanding than who we are reading. Open his mind to his own divine power within him. He was glowing as well at the end of our conversation. I feel like there might be a little romantic curiosities that he had towards me. He was asking me things and complimenting me with things that was leading in that direction. I did find myself in an awkward moment a few times… which shouldn’t have been awkward…. But I try so hard to not have these topics being brought up… hehe. And I feel like this is something I need to look at. I’m not sure why I feel so uncomfortable when people are attracted to me. I think it’s because I don’t want to have to explain to them where I am romantically. I just figured we can have such great conversations that romance doesn’t have to be involved with it… hehe. But it’s getting obvious that there’s something I need to work deeper when it comes to romantic feelings and attraction. I want to be attractive but I’m also afraid when people are attracted to me… hehe… and this has to be addressed. I have addressed it but I also know there’s much more room to explore. This is a good lead in to another friend I have who is from Sweden and is traveling to Peru at the time. I mentioned him before. But we’ve been having some great conversations and he’s been assertive trying to plan something together that we can travel or spend time together. And I know I’d enjoy myself so much to do this with him. I don’t know if I have said this before… I feel like I have but there isn’t a way for me to organize this Journal and go directly to the location of where I was writing this information. And I honestly am not going to go back and re-read everything to find it either… hehe. But anyway… when I was heading to his place to meet him I remember how excited my body was to meet him… I was in my ceremony mode and so I get some residual affects outside of ceremony as well. I didn’t know what it meant but I know there was a large amount of excitement which I didn’t know why because I had not met him yet. We spoke over messages but it wasn’t anything too in depth. But when I met him I really did enjoy my brief time with him. And he does communicate well so our conversations can actually get somewhere when we talk. Yes it’s time to time and not all the time… but our recent conversations are leading to actually trying to plan to meet up this year. So yeah… I’m excited to see him. Who knows if it will lead to anything romantic… but he is also someone I don’t believe I’ve told him about my Australian. Our relationship wasn’t built around ceremonies and so the topic didn’t show up. I’ve been trying to see what mindsets I have set in place and possibly where I can see if I can adjust… and this whole romantic thing is something I’m thinking I need to look at from a different angle. I’m not sure what that looks like… but I know this is something I want to address. I’m not exactly sure how to approach it differently than what I’ve tried before. I feel like I’ve been open but most of that was prior to these messages I’ve received in ceremony. But I also have memories of how I felt when trying or being a part of any of this style of engagement since ceremony as well. Where’s the balance of not falling into the same lesson to learn and how to find an approach to learn? Geesh… I know this is something I’m going to be working on, but honestly I don’t know where to start right now. Maybe because I’m not comfortable of expressing things that’s been going on in my mind. I want to roll it over more I think…. Hehe… Things have been let’s say different lately and I’ve been noticing myself responding to different situations and so … I’m curious to see how this part of my life is different as well. I’m so focused on the Australian that I’ve not been entertaining any learning in this in a direct experiential way. I’m afraid of the feeling I have of regret engaging in things in this manner. So why does it feel like I’m missing something? I’m not sure what I’m missing right now… but we’ll see how it plays out. Ok… I feel like I want to take a break from the Journal… I think this is good for tonight. I plan on visiting the girl volunteers tomorrow. I thought maybe I’d go and volunteer at the Temple, but I think I’m just going to go to visit them. There’s insights I’ve been gaining about the Temple environment but again I dont’ want to go into it right this moment. My cat is laying next to me and I just want to cuddle with him and get some rest. Alright have a good one until next time…

So… things have been interesting at the home life. I had an amazing time yesterday at the Temple dinner table again… meeting some amazing people. But I think I’m going to purge about the home right now before I go into the conversations. So… I knew that my roommates ex was coming for the holidays. She mentioned that her cat Snow will be arriving and she anticipates that Snow will not like having my cat here in the space. And she said that her ex is going to be bringing some of her storage stuff in a trailer. I heard this and I was open to see what this all entails. So Saturday night around midnight was when her ex arrived. Her six year old daughter was super excited… she hasn’t seen her dad for months and so she took a nap during the day while I was volunteering at the Temple and so she wanted to stay awake until he arrived. My roommate was trying to clean up her daughter’s room because that’s where her ex will most likely sleep. While she was cleaning she ended up twisting her ankle and so she’s been down and out for the last few days with all these changes going on. We heard a few days back that her ex had injured his back loading the trailer so they’re not in the best shape to doing any of the moving. So I assumed I’d be helping out. I waited up for her ex to arrive so I can allow him into the home and so I met him when he arrived. I was playing with the daughter and I know how extremely excited she was and how much she loves her dad because he loves to play with her. How the daughter describes is he always played with her and mom usually sleeps most of the time… hehe… it’s funny to hear how children describes their experience. But I was trying to joke around when he knocked on the door… giving the daughter a hard time but the ex did not find anything funny. He admitted that he is stressed out right now and so I didn’t stick around much I said my hellos and good nights to the daughter and went into my room to go to sleep. I slept in and when I went out I reintroduced myself to the ex while he was eating with his daughter. I offered helping him with bringing in the items. He appreciated the offer and the parking lot at the condo didn’t allow him to park the trailer here so he had taken it to Walmart so he was anticipating going back and forth with smaller loads. I was fine with this and it wasn’t as much as I thought. I mean there’s quite a bit of stuff… but it didn’t seem like I had to as much as I thought. But her ex and I had a good introduction. The topic rolls around to Spirituality and he’s more on the open side as a Mormon. He was talking about his twin’s brother turn around about ten to eleven years ago. He described it as his brother was dating a Russian ballerina and she had casted a spell on his brother. His brother was very depressed and upset in his life… he said it was worse than suicidal depression. He tried to get assistance with Western medicine and therapy and he wasn’t finding any solutions that worked for him. So he started focusing on meditation and spent many years in solitude in his room practicing meditation to help him recover from the state his twin found himself in. He also found a community in Arizona which gave him guidance on how to get out of this funk. They have strict practices and it really has changed his mindset. He said that he really knew how down his twin was and to see how big of a change he has been able to do was very inspiring for him. He wants to get better in meditation and mindfulness but he also is not patient enough to want to continue. He says there’s more immediate results that he finds through physical exercise and medications. He’s in the medical field as work position. I’m not sure exactly in what area but I can tell this is where his work lies. He was open to hear a little bit about my path a bit with plant medicine. But he seems to be similar to my roommate where they don’t allow a ton of space to reciprocate conversations. But I found it a bit easier to interject with comments with him than her. But again I did enjoy our conversation and he thanked me for my time and my offer. He had things he had to do and eventually he needed to take a nap as well. I had told him that I go to the service on Sundays…. So I can help now in the morning and early afternoon, but then I’ll be getting ready and unavailable until today, Monday. So I had time to play with the daughter before I had to get ready. I had to let her know that I’m going to get my bath ready for a soak… when I got the bath ready I apologized to the daughter, but her parents are going to be taking a nap and I’ll be in my tub… I asked if she’s ok with playing on her own. And she understood, but while I was in the tub I heard my roommate hobble out into the living room to watch her daughter. So this new cat Snow… she has been stressed traveling from Alabama in a vehicle and now that she’s here in a new location she smells my buddy everywhere she goes and she does not like this. I’ve tried to attempt to say my hellos to her but she smells Elvis and so she now knows I’m connected to the enemy.. this other cat in the space she’s in. They admitted she hasn’t been socialized to other animals. And I admitted that Elvis isn’t the best either. But he’s been doing fairly well. I haven’t seen him hissing just looking at wait.. is that another cat? So he’s been more on the curious side. Snow on the other has been hissing every time I see her and when she sees my buddy. I’m trying to keep Elvis in my room as much as possible. I think we’ll get an opportunity to get the cats together, but it hasn’t been time yet. We have boxes all over the place in the living room and out on the patio. In fact there was a gentleman from the church who came over this morning to help us bring in boxes and pails… I believe I understand this is mostly food storage in case hard times arrives they’ll have food rations. The gentleman was very helpful and I wish I could have more time to get to chat with him. But he helped and then took off. But as the boxes keep coming in.. he asked me if I’m going to help my roommate put these things up. I said I’m not sure… I didn’t really expect all this. And as I’m seeing what is now here… it continues to question if the best move for us is for me to possibly relocate so they have a room she can have to place her storage boxes…and also allow her cat to relax. So… it’s the 18th of December. Maybe I need to be a little more open to what kind of options I might have to find another home location. It’s been in my awareness but I haven’t been wanting to rush because I didn’t want to anticipate something that might not be the truth. So I’m still trying to see if I can not rush any decisions. So we’ll see how it goes. But maybe I need to really look at my belongings and see where I can reduce. Geesh… I might have to send stuff back to my pops? I don’t know possibly or maybe I can just get rid of things… I’m wanting to free up space and travel lighter. Let’’s see where I get later today. So I helped the ex last night about more boxes but we were having a great conversation. He was interested in how the temple dinner went and I told him about the students who are visiting at this time during the winter break. Most of them are international so they didn’t head back to their homes for the holidays. He was an RA when in undergrad and so he had experience getting to know international students and he enjoyed his time. He also mentioned some of the programs that he was involved in as well. He found a non-profit in California where they focused on the compassion side of end of life. He enjoyed learning from them but also mentioned they focused on more on Buddhist practices and was interested in learning more about their practices. He also mentioned he had been involved with homeless nonprofits. He knew how many of the programs he was involved with seemed like a bandaid and not making huge differences in developing them to want to be independent… in fact they were seemingly making them more dependent on the programs. So he’s interested in these areas but also found how much energy it takes to be involved in these programs. I tried to reciprocate in his line of conversation so I mentioned my experience with my grandparents during their time in hospice and my assistance but also the impact it had in my life. I also mentioned me friend who has chosen to go into homelessness and how our relationship has been within the last ten years. So I was trying to let him know that these areas have been introduced into my life and even though I was in a smaller intimate setting while he was involved with larger organizations… we found similarities. Again… it’s nice to get to know him a bit better. I know that he’s moving to Arizona and I’m wondering if he’s moving around his brother’s location. I haven’t found the time to ask but I think he’s getting rid of the trailer today so that will be a large responsibility off of his shoulders and so maybe he’ll be more open to have conversations without so much noise in the back of his mind. We’ll see how it goes. So yesterday at the Temple… my devotee friend who bakes homemade bread and cheeses came over to pick me up. We went to the temple and I was put to work right away to help feed the baby llama. After we were finished I was able to talk with him a bit more. So he has a history of working on his uncle’s farm when he was a child making goat cheese. He was explaining that cheese is essentially the same process but the addition of cultures creates the different variety of cheese. If cheese is not white then most likely people have added colored dye to get the different colors. He was laughing because he found people who look at white cheddar as a special cheese when in reality it’s the normal cheddar without color additives.. however people who make the cheese can profit more because the general public don’t understand what’s involved in making cheese. I didn’t know that either and I figured the orange cheeses where normal but I really never thought about milk not being orange… hehe… but we went into the mold process and how people really might prefer the stinky cheese is the aging process and allowing the mold to develop. I found it interesting that the sourdough bread used wild yeast pores which is just in the air. So he doesn’t have to purchase wild yeast. All he has to do is to combine flour and water and continue to do this each day… eventually the wild yeast in the air will find it’s way into the flour and water and it just does it without really trying. While I’m typing this out it seems like I might have heard this before… but maybe now I was able to give attention to the actual conversation. I find it interesting and wonder if this is the case regardless where we are in the world. Later in the night people were still lingering and speaking after dinner and I found he was standing in the corner watching… and so I asked him to come and meet the new volunteers… hehe… I know he’s a bit shy but he’s interesting and I mentioned to the two girls I was talking to one from Germany and the other from China. I told them he makes his own sourdough and cheese… they both loved it and asked if he would be willing to teach them. I said yessss… we should figure out how he can teach us this process because it would be fun and educational. He was shaking his head and said that yeah maybe he can set something up for next weekend. I wonder if I should ask him if we should start setting up things with the flour and water stuff during the week… so we’re ready to create the dough this weekend. I’m not sure how long the process is a few days… to a few weeks… I’m not sure but I would like to learn. Plus he has quite a bit of experience with cheese making so I’d like to see how this works. And how he orders the cultures. But we had a great conversation as he was taking me home. We gave each other a hug and I was mentioning how shy he was being with the new volunteers. He chuckled and said… he doesn’t normally talk with people. He’s not sure why but it’s easy for him to talk to me… but I seem to be getting him out of his shell.. but that’s not where he’s comfortable being… talking with people. I said he’s fun to talk to and so maybe he should allow more time to share with people because it’s going to be beneficial for all parties involved. So we’ll see how our relationship goes. So dinner time came around and I knew from last week that I want to sit at different tables and talk with different people who are joining the service. I saw an Eastern-Indian gentleman sitting alone and so I asked if I could sit with him. He said it’s fine. He’s been in the States for a year now and has a contract to stay another two years since he was approved for a three year working visa. As I sat down with him… the German girl asked to sit with us and of course I said yes. A young local who is training to be a guru sat with us. And finally the Chinese girl sat down as well. So I was trying to figure out where our conversation was going to go. I was asking questions to the Indian gentleman but it was apparent that he wasn’t too invested in getting into a conversation. He ate and apologized for wanting to leave and it was not a problem because when he left another gentleman sat down who is from California. He has been in Utah for a year and came to the Krishna temple for a few months at the first of last year. This is his last weekend in Utah and he’s traveling to Arizona for a few months before returning to California. He travels through WWOOFing and seems to be very interested in the farming practices. He’s been several locations in Utah for the year. He said this was the first time he lived outside of California. He’s traveled but hasn’t been traveling and living in this manner until this year. He seemed very interesting. He found an inter-faith communities here in Utah which helped give him leads to people who have farms and wanted his help as he continue his learning in farming and spirituality. We exchanged numbers and he has forwarded some apps and communities because I’d be curious to see if I’m drawn to explore these communities as well. I wasn’t sure how I felt when I arrived home and was getting myself ready for bed… it was like an hour after we exchanged numbers and I had gotten several messages from him… hehe… he’s very into researching and reading… so he sent me many resources. I did already talk about this during our conversation but I’m not sure he caught my drift… hehe… The Chinese girl is writing her Spiritual education master’s thesis and so I was asking if she was going to study the very basics of what’s effective to learning. I was bringing up the whole reading about our teachings to the differences of practicing the teachings…and which is more effective. So I was trying to say that reading is great but it’s not as effective unless we have application involved in the practices. So again… I’m not really interested in reading all the information he has sent me, but I do want to check a little bit out and see how it goes. I’m sure I might find sometime this week. I told him this… he enjoyed my presence so he asked me several questions and I answered them. But if felt a bit like an interview. I didn’t ask any questions in return, but to be fair it was late and I was tired. I wanted to write in the Journal last night but I had drawn a few tarot cards and found that I just wanted to rest afterwards. I might get there in a bit. But let’s get back to the conversations so I can remember the just of what was going on last night. The Chinese girl is not doing her paper on specific topics but she’s trying to doing the systematic approaches of specific religions. She doesn’t have everything planned out but it’s like four religions she will compare and contrast their systems. I was wondering if she’s been finding common patterns. She said she has but she didn’t really go into detail. I continued to try to get information she’s been finding but it seemed like it wasn’t coming out naturally so I stepped back from asking questions. I told her that I had been thinking about her because I find her topic fascinating. I feel like we’d be able to having a deeper dive when its a bit more intimate setting possibly more one on one. The German girl is a professor and she went in quite a bit of details about her paper on Saturday during lunch, but I saw more of how social she is and how she was picking up some of my lines of communication to steer conversations. She seemed like she was picking up on what I was doing which intrigued me. I really enjoy being around her as well. Our names our similar and people comment on that and how we could be sisters… and I said we are… hehe. Actually when I came to work with my tarot cards last night I even thought maybe I can pick up on her energy when I was working with the cards. I just got these cards so I’m seeing how we work together. I found out that it’s still introducing my energy and where I am instead of going into our shared energy with someone else. The German girl and I have similarities when it comes to our heritage being very mixed. Wherever she goes no body can quite pick out where she’s from. She’s able to blend in when she travels to new locations. She also said she teaches dance and has done a class in college and found that she might have the opportunity to create a platform. She was trying to see if I wanted to create a platform. She said she’s interested in what my next job would be and that she thinks I need to be more available for people. I chuckled because I’m already doing my work right now. I do very well in in-person situations. I can go with the flow and things just happen and I find I can be more impactful in this manner. I have no clue how to create a platform and it seems like it would be pretty time consuming and I’m not sure if I’m motivated to put in that time. And the thing is I’d much better give my focus when I’m present with people. She seemed she wanted to talk more about it. And I told her I’d most likely be coming a bit more through the week because I’m interested in talking to everyone more. I know they are only here for a few weeks so I’ll want to take advantage of this opportunity. It was surprising though that she mentioned this and the Chinese girl was agreeing with her. I told her I’d like to find a way to get monetary income while I’m remote. If I can find something like this would be helpful. I told her I’ve been finding it challenging to find any kind of job lately.. as if the universe is telling me that these are not the positions I’m aligned with anymore… that it’s pushing me to go in a new direction… but I’m not sure what that is… hehe… I mean I know in a way what I’d like to do but have no clue how I’d be getting any income from it. But I’m open to see what types of platforms she’s linked with and I can see what comes from it. The young man who was a local who is working to be a guru wasn’t too involved with the conversation. I have seen him around the Temple but I haven’t found having conversations with him. I tried to ask questions to get to know him a bit better but his response was very limited… so it wasn’t easy to find ways to lead from one conversation to the next… so I tried to show him how conversations can flow. I have no clue if he was understanding what was being played out in front of him… in fact it seemed like he was in his thoughts most of the time. It was his first time that he came to a Sunday service. He has the whole get up of what would be described as guru clothing. Hat and all… I’m not sure what they are called… but he’s trying to create an identity and thinks looking the part will give him a presence of gaining knowledge about something.. like spirituality… but I’m not sure if it’s genuine quite yet. I’ll give us time to figure out where we are and see if he’s willing to open up a bit more. And I’ll see if he’s curious for me to open up to him as well. There was a gentleman who I had seen last week who hosted a dinner with two other gentlemen and a daughter. I asked him if they enjoyed their dinner… and he said yes. Again another shy guy but I don’t mind… hehe… I said that I was looking for him to sit with during dinner, but I didn’t see him so I thought he left. So I said hopefully next week we can find time to chat. I’m sure he’s got some interesting ideas going on and I’d like to see what that is. I was speaking to my friend and he said that he works in an energy plant but he doesn’t know all the details. But we were talking a lot about different topics and said I should have a good conversation with him. I’m sure I will, but we’ll see. This is pretty good to remind me where our conversations started… and curious to see where it goes from here.. but I do feel like there is changes going on. I’m not sure what that means right now..but I think I’m getting messages for me too completely stop planning… I don’t know what’s coming up. And so I should be comfortable letting people know that I don’t know and that’s ok… I know it’s ok with me… but many will not be comfortable with me being ok with this… hehe… It’s hard to explain. I could go and type out all the information that I read with the tarot messages.. but that’s the thing.. they were messages for me. And I don’t think I’ll be able to express my insights I found in the words I was reading. I understand it and I don’t think I need to purge it to digest it… I’ve got the message and I’m interested to see how my relationship with these cards will go.. hehe. Ok.. this is good for now. I want to grab something to eat and maybe look at the cards again.. but also start looking at my belongings again and see what I can purge at this time. Ok sounds good. until next time…

Alright I did order some tarot cards…. They’re my first English sets so it’s a bit easier to not have to translate but they arrived today and I think I’ll start off with the messages. The first one I opened is the Spirit of the Animals and I got two cards to fall out. The Loon… Intuitive.. Listen to the song in your soul. Trust your intuition as you have a way of knowing. Emerge from the busy life and seek more solitude. Recognize that you are unique and that you are loved. The second card from the same deck is the Swan… Grace… You who glides across the waters of my souls bring me your wisdom and light. Help me transform into elegance and grace. Inspire me with dignity and the spirit of beauty. Normally each deck has a booklet that go into depth on each card. So let’s see a little of the Loon’s message LOON… Elegance, Singer, Communicator, Visionary, Dreamer, Loyalty, Family, Fidelity, Freedom’s Call, Spirit Messenger… The call of the Loon stirs our soul. Their sounds evoke reverence and imagination. Loons have a complex communication system that is highly evolved. Loons are powerful and intuitive. Knowing from within comes quickly to Loon people. Their flashes of insight and imagination are highly developed. Loons mate for life and teach the ideals of family and fidelity to those with this totem. Loons are excellent partners and parents. They often carry their offspring on their backs. Loons are also excellent communicators and they relate well with others… SWAN… Love, Beauty, Grace, Majestic, Self-worth, Mystery, Purity, Angels, Journey, Transformation, Intuition, Partnership, Fidelity, Integrity, Creativity… Swan is a creature with such grace it is regarded as one of the most beautiful of the animal kingdom. But Swan’s story does not start that way. They are the ultimate symbol for change as they morph from clumps cygnet to majestic swan. Swan reminds us that we too can transform from awkward youth to mature beauty and grace. When Swan glides across still waters of your dreams, it is bring you gifts of harmony, intuition, faith, and wisdom. Swans connect us to the realm of angels… So this is interesting because I have read the other cards that I drew when I was opening the decks. i had not read from the booklet for these cards. When I was reading these cards, I was also messaging some friends. There was one in particular who I’ve known for about four years. He’s from Sweden and we met in Peru… he was living there at the time and was running his own hotel which also hosted couchsurfers. He was also one of the Couchsurfer group leaders type of thing… in the city he was the one who organized the larger gathering for couchsurfers… that’s how we met. We didn’t get a whole lot of time together actually, but we had great conversation and again we talk from time to time. I really appreciate his communication. He actually reciprocates equally with messaging. I don’t feel weird by writing a lot because he writes back a lot as well. When I reach out to my Australian mate… this is not the case. I know this to be true, but somehow I’m seeing if this might change one day. He writes these short sentences and asks a question. I’m unable to just write a word or a line to answer. I ask him a question and there it is again… brief. I wish this wasn’t the case, but it is what it is. So yeah… reading other messages I was thinking about this situation I find myself in and yes I guess I keep wondering how am I going to continue to keep this up without and feedback from my Aussie? Usually by this time I’d be back in the jungle and then it’s easy for me to remember why I wait… he’s there very present and my feelings are very present and aware and I’m reminded. So it’s’ funny that both of these cards as we go deeper have fidelity in them. For six years I’ve been faithful to a man who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings openly. When we met, yes… but since then platonic friendship. Again Aya is not a straightforward process but sometimes it’s just an instant download and understanding which doesn’t leave much room for interpretation. Again this is the most challenging of messages I’ve received to date. And I continue to feel there might be ways to interpret these messages differently… but even though I want to try to write these out… I know in my heart that my truth is my truth and regardless of the outcome… I am devoted to this regardless of how much I battle this. It’s so much easier the longer it goes actually… I’ve accepted this as my fate… but why do I still have these wandering thoughts of possibly allowing myself to connect with people who are wanting to connect with me? You know what I mean by connect… they want to have a romantic relationship. I guess I can go more into the other cards I drew because I thought some of them are pointing to a fear I have and I guess it’s time for me to explore it a bit more? I’m not sure… ok what’s the next deck? I went to the Rumí deck and one card fell out… the Star Mother Arrakis… Be the king who has made his own kingdom Be the moon who has made her own summit How much longer will you coo coo like a pigeon? Empty your head of all mortal lusts, and become life without breath. You will not call out for God anymore, for you have become immersed in God - Rumí Your star mother, Arrakis, dances with your soul in the celestial inner planes. She dances in the embrace of Father Sky, shining white and pale, deep in devotion to the light that is behind all that is. Arrakis, Dancing Star of the Heavens, incites our souls to feel the rhythm of life and surrender to it in flow, in grace, stumbling and in play. Like a child we think not of the “right steps” but just moves with music and with joy. She reminds you to dance freely and from your heart. She reminds you that your soul is constantly dancing with the Divine. What better way to connect with the joy and beauty of your soul than to mimic its movements? So dance, beloved. Let your being dance. Oh Arrakis! Your bright beauty penetrates even the darkest of minds to remember, remember, remember… No matter how dark life on earth may seem at times, when we remember our holy heritage we can also realize, “Ah yes, I am blessed, held as one with the mother who shall not be deterred from great holy purpose. I shall prevail! I forgot that and feared, but now I remember and am determined once more.” Then you shall feel joy and be inclined to dance, to sing, to make your art, and to live fearlessly once again… I honor my soul’s need for art and for expression, and for creativity now, from a pure and loving place within me. So be it! Oh my goodness… I’m really getting tired right now… well it’s been building but I stayed up with the six year old roommate to wait for her dad to arrive tonight. I did a full day at the temple and met some new volunteers from Germany, Korea, and China. I’m excited to see where these conversations go. I wanted to write about this but I cannot continue to keep my eyes open. So hopefully I’ll get time tomorrow before I go to the temple for service.. I’d like to se if I can hangout with the volunteers right now. I’m looking forward to seeing where our conversations go. They’re here for the holidays, so maybe I won’t be spending my holidays alone maybe? We’ll see… alright until next time then…

Alright I’m pretty tired but I wanted to write before I head to bed. Today was really fun. I met up with the three siblings for a visit. I went to a botany pond on the BYU campus where there were some adorable ducks everywhere. It was nice to see that the traffic with the cars driving by and the students walking by… the ducks didn’t seem to mind. In fact it looked like I might have had them on edge a bit because I was noticing them… hehe.. they were pretty funny to watch. But I was there to wait for them to pick me up. We went to a Pho restaurant and we all just sat there and spoke the entire time. I got some more details about the Mormon culture and what they have learned from it thus far. The oldest sister of the three is the one who is attending school at this time and she has been on one mission to California. It was interesting to hear her take on her experience. She found that there were some aspects that didn’t resonate with her… it felt like there were some practices that seemed like they were supposed to be a bit pushy. I had mentioned that I noticed that some people I find that I want to teach has walls up… and I think I’m clever enough to go around those walls… but finally I started to notice that it was wearing me down and I stopped taking care of myself because I wanted to be the one who could help break those walls down. I’ve mentioned this before, but anyway I was mentioning it to them to see if they found that to be true as well. And they said they noticed that as well. The brother had his mission in Montana and again he had some differences in his mission. But it was interesting to hear what they had to say. The third sister is only 19 and she’s at the age where its normal for them to participate in their first mission… but she’s not sure she’s ready to do this yet and so I wanted to hear why she thinks this way. She said that it felt like she was doing what everyone wants her to do and she’s taking a year off to figure out what she wants to do with her own life. I feel that’s a great position to be. Actually the way they spoke I felt like they have a mature outlook and actually quite open to learning in different ways. They enjoyed what I was sharing as well. They started to ask me about my religion or my approach and I found myself hesitating. I feel like they are young and not much experience. They mentioned that they noticed how much of a bubble they were living in and so I wasn’t sure how they would react to my background. So I was admitting my hesitance because I don’t want to affect the rapport we are already building. But they were open and we were having a really advanced conversation into Spirital concepts. So I said I found myself working with indigenous in their spiritual practices. They are called shamans and they’ve introduced me to a spiritual tool that has really made a difference in my life. I admitted that I was beating around the bush because most religions are generally accepted by society because they are traditions that are common practice in our area, but the practices I participate would actually be considered illegal here and so this tool would be labeled as a psychedelic drug here, but for me it’s a direct way to communicate with God. And I get to receive messages first hand to help guide me to make changes in myself and also inspires me to explore areas I wouldn’t think to do before getting introduced to this tool. They didn’t seem to know what I was talking about but it didn’t stop them to explore their feeling about what I was trying to tell them. It was refreshing to hear their openness to my approach and perspective. I admitted through my spiritual practice I have found this biggest change is first by being judgemental about this Reality saying things similar to what is common to hear.. this world is falling apart and needs to change. Now change is inevitable but my practice has shown how what this Reality is is the perfection of God in real time. They asked me what my definition of God is… which is a great questions because they understood that this is depends on each individual. First of all I said that this is something that is ineffable. But since our tool is language.. I can try to give a definition but it will fall short of the truth of how I experience God. The word God falls short as well. I also tried to explain that my understanding is not a final definition of God because the more I deepen my understanding I’m ok to have a flexible idea of understanding. As I mature the understanding will mature with me. But I said simply there is nothing that I see or hear or think that is not God. Existence is God. The sister who asked me said something quite appropriate… she said she would love to get that same understanding through her spiritual practices. I really really enjoyed my conversations with these young bright siblings. And I was really pleasantly surprised how much I enjoyed visiting their temple as well. I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t really think about it because I just wanted to wait to see what was there. It was very large… it had three stories which all had high ceilings. It really did make everything much grander. The first area that really grabbed my attention was the bath area where they would perform the baptisms. I knew it was something they did, but to see how important it is in their religion was obvious and quite beautiful. Many of the temples will have common symbolism and yet the motifs around the temple will be locally decorated. So there were many paintings with the mountains that surround this area. But the tub area.. I apologize I didn’t get the correct term of what this is called but it will be common that there will be twelve oxen that creates the foundation symbolizing the 12 disciples of Christ. They are the foundation that is the strengthens their faith. I’m not sure if I got all the details correct but to do a baptism in a temple is for their ancestors that are deceased. If they are baptizing themselves in this body they perform their baptism at their church. It was really beautiful and grand and much of a focal point. I really liked it. And then they showed me the educational rooms where when they advance in their teachings.. similar to after their missions they get deeper into the teachings… they have rooms to learn more… and then they have a room the Celestial room which is a beautiful room where they go and sit to contemplate over the lessons they are learning. We sat in this room for awhile and it was very pleasant. It was surprising to me because there were people in and out and moving around… but sitting there I tended to draw my attention upwards to the paintings on the ceiling and the large chandeliers… It was still quite peaceful and very content with what was going on. They moved next to the space where they perform the wedding ceremonies. It felt like a very sacred and intimate space which I appreciate as well. The altar was lower to the ground because through the vows the couple will be kneeling on either side of the altar and on top there are cushions too so they can hold and embrace each others hands as they exchange vows. Another common feature in the wedding areas are two large mirrors on the wall that’s lined up with the altar to symbolize the concept of eternity. The marriage is eternal and they can see themselves in the mirror reflecting back at one another. It was very sweet to imagine this setting for a wedding. I forgot to mention we did go into a chapel area where it’s mostly another space to come and communicate personally whenever a member would like to do and participate. Many will be in this space before a ceremony such as a baptism or wedding. The celestial room would be where to go after lessons… so it was really cool to see everything, but especially grateful to have these sibling who were there to explain things to me. I never knew the general public would be able to get this opportunity. But I love sacred spaces and I was curious to see how they approached it. And I actually enjoyed it. Again I’d say it’s a bit much on the decoration side, but I also understand it. And I’d have to admit that I might first feel like I’d want to make it as ornate as possible because of how impactful spirituality is for me but I also know it’s unnecessary as well. I mean I tend to go in the middle of the jungle in a large shelter where the noise of the jungle connects me deeply in communion with Infinite Intelligence… so I don’t need much fanciness to connect deeply, but I also have a feeling I’m going to start building onto this area which will deal with water… so it’s interesting the concept of baptism…. Again I just didn’t think about seeing a tub but again it makes sense now. But tubs are important in my design for ceremony as well for purification preparation. I’m not really into going into detail with everything… I”m tired but I wanted to mention things so it can help trigger my memory. This morning my friend from the Krishna temple came and dropped of the sourdough bread and the mozzarella. He made both my hand and learned to create his own cultures.. he does this for friends he feels would appreciate it. I thought it was quite delicious. He hasn’t started working with herbs which will be interesting.. but I also said it would be safe to have a clean palate and allow his friends to season it to their liking. I asked if he thought about offering this as a service at the temple. He hadn’t thought about doing it. And it might be best to just do it for the people he thinks to share it with… I’m just grateful he thought of me. We got to chat about a half an hour before he had to go to work… but I’m hoping to have more time with this sweet man. When I got back this evening from my adventure into the Mormon culture… I ate supper and when I went to go eat my messages started buzzing all at once. I responded to the radio man in Indiana, I responded to a buddy who is Swedish but met in Peru and he’s returning to Peru again… I’m really looking forward to spending time with him again… one day… but I also responded to the Australian man who I briefly commented on one of his stories he shared… I rarely responde to him but last night I was leaving the journal space and I was responding to the Thailand friend he posted and I watched his stories and I was laughing so hard… I couldn’t help myself but to comment. But it’s pretty usual with minimal communication. I sometimes reach out to see if the doors are open and the walls are down to get into deeper conversations. I don’t know really.. we’ve got different schedules but we’ll see how it goes. He posted a few things so I commented on one. He responded and so I commented on another which happened to be the teasers for Dune. I thought it meant that the next series is about to start. So the first thing I thought was to get a hold of my dad and see how we can watch the series together. That series plus the wheel of time were series we were bonding over because I’ve actually read these and so we can give feedback to one another on what we like about the similarity and differences… so I thought this would be a good way to continue our bond. I don’t usually watch television so I didn’t know if it was starting again… but my dad said it won’t start until March. But anyway… it gave me an excuse to comment to him. So what happened last night with the Thailand friend? Well… it didn’t take me long to pretty much tell myself what’s really going on and what I truly want. I happened to be listening to a tarot reading which was quite on point to things that I was thinking about the relationship that seems to be forming between the Thailand friend and myself. So I decided to address things. Not in a crude way, but in a subtle but direct way. Last night I had responded to his “X”. I said “😅 hello there… Are you talking code to me now?” He hearted my response. I fell asleep and in the morning I saw his message, “Thank you friend… enjoy your time..” I responded back saying, “ Well sir… I’d like to be your friend but you seem to keep a ring of protection around yourself. I’m really big into communication and I guess I’ll just wait until you want to move from acquaintance to friendship. I hope you enjoy your time as well (his name)” Just a few minutes ago he has chuckled at my comment. He responded, “ 😂 Thanks friend”.. and honestly I’m not interested in playing communication games with him. My Sweden friend and also my radio Indiana friend has been so refreshing lately… they really express themselves and ask questions in return. It’s like they actually want to get to know me and want themselves to be known too. I’d much rather spend my time engaging with friends who like to reciprocate the engagement. Is there anything else to mention? Hmmm… I don’ think so nothing is standing out to me. I’m tired and I think I’ll just relax and head to bed soon. Ok this is good for tonight. Until next time…

So… I’m in a great mood… I just got off a video chat with one of the original twelve. If you’re just tuning in this is my first crew of Aya familia… but anyway I love this man… and he’s been in a funk for about three years now… but I can see he’s on the verge of getting out of it and that excites me! Now granted he doesn’t look at it the same way I do, but his motivation to do something about it is there and he’s making plans to go to what he says is his last Aya attempt… he wants to go for a month and see what happens… he’s been getting dreams about it and it might be the last because he feels like he’s ready for the “death” experience… even though I’m trying to explain existence exists, but we didn’t really get into that much. Now we have intense moments.. so that did happen… I was trying to help him purge his baggage he’s been holding on to for four years now… but I hope he noticed that he was still resisting letting go and that he’s actively keeping this pain and misery… he says he knows he cannot let go but has been trying everything to let it go and nothing’s working… and I know it is working but not as quickly as he’s like, but he’s in the process of purging his shit out. I didn’t get his permission so I won’t go into details, but yes… I’m happy for him. I’m excited for him. He asked me where he should go for his last Aya.. and I said well if it’s your last then you’ll have to be with me… hehe… of course I’m going to say that. But I know he’s being serious and I guess he doesn’t think I’m being serious, but anyway I gave him a suggestion but he mentioned a location that has hummingbird in the name. And I originally thought it was something he wanted to create. Anytime I hear the word hummingbird, I think of him. That’s the animal I was turning into when I was helping him in ceremony… so i said if he’s drawn to go to that location… then just do it! He also mentioned one of our buddies who has a retreat in the jungle… and I was trying to encourage him to reach out to him… I think our buddy is visiting family here in the States so maybe they can meet up… or when he goes back to Peru he can link back up with him there. He loves the jungle life and so I was also telling him what’s really stopping him from staying there awhile? Why does he have to plan a month there and return? Why not just see where he wants to go while he’s there? I’m hoping to plant seeds in him. For some reason his creativity is stifled… he thinks right now he can either stay in his hell living with his parents or “death”… He’s only been in his parent’s home for three years and before then he was living places and doing things.. but for some reason he cannot see moving out of their home as an option that might make him feel better. He talks about loving living in the jungle… so I asked why not go a live there for awhile? He’ll be able to afford down there for a few months at least to reset him and readjust his non-creative mind… which isn’t true… he’s intelligent, funny, charismatic, caring… he’s just blocked and needs some good purging and to get out of his one-track mindset to start to explore his options. He’s got so much more options than what he can think right now.. but anywho… he’s making moves and I hope to encourage him to continue doing this. I don’t think I’ll have to do much because he seemed pretty dead set and he knows he’s done it before so he can do it again… and he’s different now.. so he can do it differently. I just hope he stops resisting… I hope he can really surrender to Aya… it will make a world of difference! I’m also excited because the three siblings that I met at the Temple during dinner are going to meet tomorrow. I happened to look online about the public accessing the Mormon Temple before dedication and it’s over by Saturday. AND… they want people to make reservations… so tomorrow is the only time available. At first the girl I had her number thought she wasn’t going to be able to go because she has class until noon, but there was a slot for 1:25 so she booked that for all of us to go. I told her I can meet her after class and grab some lunch if she’d like. I even mentioned the genealogy library that’s supposed to be on campus somewhere.. I’m not sure if it’s her campus or not, but I would find that interesting. But anyway… I’m happy to visit with them and get the opportunity to explore a sacred space tomorrow! Now meeting up with them before is not yet determined, but hopefully they’ll want to hang out afterwards to get to know each other better. I also have spoken to one of the devotees of the Krishna Temple yesterday…. I have to admit that when I saw his message I thought it was another person…lol… he was saying things that didn’t make sense to me… hehe… until I realized who I was actually talking to lol. Anyway he’s super sweet. I guess he makes homemade Sourdough bread and he’s going to drop some off for me in the morning with some mozzarella cheese for me to snack on. I’m learning how to receive and I think that it will be wonderful and so thoughtful. We were talking about things and I asked him where he works. He works only about a mile away from me at his cousin’s wood shop where they make cabinetry. Well of course I’m like… if you need any extra help, let me know… It’d be great to get back into a wood shop! Since he is connected to the Temple I also mentioned that I could work there a few days a week and that will allow me to possibly work at the Temple the other half of the week. He asked his boss and at first they said they weren’t busy enough to bring anyone on… but they asked how much I was looking to make. I told them that the Temple was willing to pay me $15/hour as a non-for-profit organization… I’d like to start there… and normally I let my work ethic dictate whether that price should be adjusted or not. So the boss is thinking that maybe he could use my help for a few days a week until they get busy. I said I’m flexible, if that works for them that would be great! I don’t know how the setup is, but I’m sure I can be useful. My friend said that he feels that I’ll be useful in many ways… I smiley faced back at him… but maybe he might actually get an idea of the potential of having me as a team member may bring. We’ll see… I don’t think I’ll be starting this week… but I’d be open to that. The jobs have not been going so well for me. I still haven’t heard back from the temporary agency. I keep listening to the darn tarot readings and I actually pulled a few cards of my own… and my messages continue to tell me to enjoy my time with the mundane. Magic is finding joy in the mundane. I feel like I’ve been expecting to use my masculine energy to find jobs here… and another reader was making me laugh because they were like… you have to embrace your feminine side right now. And this doesn’t mean.. this or that… which is exactly what I’m doing… she was pretty much saying we know you want to make things happen… but just relax and let things come to you… so I’m trying my best not to reach out and email the agency and ask… um I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do… am I suppose to be contacting you right now about the interview? Or am I supposed to just wait for you to contact me? They’re supposed to be my employer right now… but they haven’t communicated anything since I left the office on Friday. Last I knew they were hoping to call me that afternoon… I know it hasn’t been that many days, but dude… I’d think they would communicate SOMETHING.. but I didn’t send any messages out. I’m trying to embrace my femininity right now. I thought taking a year in Indiana was long enough to be patient… but I guess that’s not how things are going to go. There was some interesting tid bits I was getting when I was speaking with the siblings at dinner. He was working something to do with movie business? And he travels from state to state? I wouldn’t mind finding out exactly what he was talking about. And I guess he works for his brother. So… yeah… maybe I can use this as a networking opportunity as well. I’d be really interested in meeting their parents too for some reason…. To have nine children… I think the range was from 19 to 38… They had such good energy so I’m sure I’d enjoy meeting their family as well. I just got a message from the one girl sibling who exchanged numbers with me. She doesn’t think we’ll have time to go to the genealogy library before the time slot if we are eating lunch, but there’s a cool art museum as well on campus. So we’ll have to find another time to go to campus so she can show me around. Which I think is a great idea! I don’t think I mentioned anything about art when I was speaking to them… that’s right up my alley! I haven’t written in here for a few days. I remember yesterday I was restless and thinking about enjoying the mundane. Which again for a year was no problem, but now that I’m out and about it’s like I want to go, go, go.. and I know when I get in this mode I forget about my energy levels… hehe… so I’m not sure why I felt so restless, but shortly after noticing this I started to have a conversation with the radio man from Indiana. We were having a great conversation and we were messaging a lot. So finally I asked if he’d like to talk face to face? I didn’t know how he would respond, but he said he’d feel like he’d need to take a shower and shave before he did that. I said that wouldn’t be a problem. I have things I can do and I was planning on having a soak in the tub but I’m sure he won’t take as long as I will when I soak. He asked if I was ok with talking with him real time but not using the video. I thought he was asking to do voice recording back and forth at first since that’s what he likes to send me. But then I said can we just call each other over the phone… like normal? He asked if we could use Messenger and I said yes that would be fine with me. I’d have to say it was a bit unusual when we began. He was definitely not prepared for me to ask to talk to him over the phone at real-time speed and he seemed like he wasn’t prepared and maybe a little flustered. Not that he was angry or anything like that… but it seemed like spontaneous isn’t his norm. He was almost starting it off in a very professional manner. Granted we were talking about some deep stuff before we moved to voice… so he wanted to know why I wanted to talk to him instead of messaging. I said.. well it seems like we’ve got a lot to share with one another. I thought it would be easier to just speak. He asked me if there was anything in particular I’d like to talk with him about. I said well.. I’ll leave that up to him. We can continue the deep stuff… or we can talk quite casually as well. I’d just like to get to know him a bit better. Leaving it up to him… I think I put pressure on him… which still makes me chuckle. So our approach began with using a timer. This is definitely a first for me… hehe.. he started the timer at ten minutes and then we’d do a check in to see where we were at. So when the ten minutes were up we were both enjoying our conversation… so he set the times for fifteen minutes next. Again… we were in the flow of things that I went over the fifteen minute mark… lol… and he stopped using it after that and we spoke and shared for two and a half hours. He enjoyed our conversation and liked that we were going back and forth. I have to say I took majority of the time at first… but we felt a transition period together… and then he took the lead after. It was great! He said he wished he had our conversation recorded so he could go back and digest what really was being said. He said that our conversation was much more rewarding and he was getting so much more out of it then just reading and listening to stuff online. I chuckled and said… well… we’re moving out of theory mode and being in the moment. I’m sitting here writing and I’m wondering if I should be discussing what we were saying. Again I haven’t gotten his permission. I told him that he’s been mentioned and he said he went to where he thought he would be and read the whole day. So I know he knows it’s a possibility for him to be discussed. But I also told him he would stay anonymous… which should help. But I guess I won’t go into too much detail. I think I’ll just mention that we kind of started out by seeing if we’re on the same page about theory and experience. To make a long story short…. He has had an interesting way he’s been introduced to entheogens and has minimal experience with it… but he’s been doing a lot of research and he feels a bit frustrated that entheogens have been used by scholars and visionaries all this time… yet we were taught to just say no. He’s on the verge of preparing himself to see what experience will be like compared to him theorizing over other people’s experiences. He is preparing himself for the unexpecting encounter of the Divine presence. But his Higher self found a way to get him more conscious in his preparations now… hehe. He also admits his tendencies to not want to go all the way… hehe… he took a couple grams of psilocybin and when it started to hit he said… f* this I’m going to bed… and we both laughed about it! So… I believe he’s more aware of my encouragement to get himself to a point to surrender when engaging with entheogens. If no, I don’t really see the point… wait until you are ready! But I also spoke about encountering people at the other side of the pendulum who are a bit on the recklessly seeking the experience… which isn’t healthy as well… there’s a balance and respect that can be had when engaging. He’s bummed out because I’m no longer in Indiana… but I told him when it’s time… it will be happening… so no need to rush. He has some great questions… and I really enjoy getting to know how his intelligence works. We might be recording our next session together. Which should be fun… he asked if it would affect me. I said I don’t think it will, but I won’t know until we’re actually doing it… hehe. So I’m looking forward to more conversations with him. I had attempted to get ahold of my buddy in Thailand too. The last time we messaged I asked him if his spirit guides have given him permission to chat with me yet… a bit of a joke, but also wondering if he’s ready to chat yet. He put the thumbs up to me. So I waited a while and said… what did I say? Wait a second… let me grab my phone. Ok it was yesterday and that last I wrote was on the 4th. I said, “Hello there! Is today a good day to chat? It’s about 8:30pm here. I’ll be up for a few more hours. It’d be good to have a real time conversation? Yeah? 😅😊”. He responded with a “heart” and then wrote, “You going back to South America” I replied, “I will eventually… I’ve still got things to learn there. How about yourself? About fifteen minutes later I said, “I mean there could be potential to have a good conversation together 😜 I feel we could enjoy a bit more of an engaged communication instead of texting… Whenever you’re able 😊. He didn’t respond right away and I ended up falling asleep. In the morning he replied with, “ohh you asking me on a date”… I left the 😂 to his message. And I said, “(His name)… I’m so darn curious about you and your ceremonies. I know you’re Mysterio but give a girl a break, huh”… and there it is. I think we are going to be amazing friends. We clicked when we were in Peru for the few weeks I was in the hostile with him. And we’re both odd in our own ways… and I think we’d have great conversations together, but I also think we’re creating a fantasy about one another as well. That’s really why I want to talk with him. Get a real picture of what and where we are in our lives right now. I’m not sure if it’s comprehending to him what I do and who I am… I would love to have him in my life, but I’d like to make sure he’s finding and following his bliss. Yes he’s traveling around enjoying exotic locations… but I want to hear what his driving force behind this is. He’s not going to open up right away… I’m sure.. but I’d like to know more about his Spiritual pursuits.. and I’m not sure he’ll expose himself that deeply right now. But I’m wanting to see how much we can be frank with one another. I’m also curious to see how I respond to him myself. I have an idea, but when reality hits.. I just don’t know how things will play out. The thing is… I don’t want our relationship be based on attraction. Not the attraction of physicality… but the attraction of our personality and our visions and curiosities… and spirituality. He has the ability and capability to create and build… will he let me know what that is? Does he understand how deep I’d like to go with him? That even though he’s attractive… I’m not wanting that kind of relationship with him like that? I mean honestly I wouldn’t mind exploring a conversation like that with him… that’s why I’m curious as to what I’m really going to say. I feel we could do well in that space of conversation… and I feel we’d be able to speak openly about things… but… is the time now? Or near I mean… obviously it’s not now.. hehe. Anywho… I won’t know until it happens and if it happens… so I’ll let it rest for now. I was wondering what else I was going to write about. lol… I don’t know if anyone really wants to hear this but I realized what other items I purchased for me “self-care”. I started my menstrual cycle… my moon cycle.. and I remembered that I order a menstrual cups kit. It was over last month by the time it arrived so this month is the first time using it. Well… I think it will be good… it’s going to be an adjustment. I didn’t have as many accidents with my cycle getting all over the place like my clothes, bed, or furniture I sit on. And I had to switch them only twice during the day. So yeah I got two cups. I’d replace it in the morning when I got up and at night during bed-ish time. It came with a sterilizing cup and cap to place in the microwave, disinfecting wipes and gel… along with lube and a few storage bags. I used the lube on the cup for the first time and I wasn’t thinking about it and placed it everywhere thinking I’ll need to do that since… um nothing has been up there for awhile now… hehe… but it was hard to keep a hold of the cup while it’s folded in half so it kept trying to fly out of my hand. So I learned if I use the lube I just need to focus it on the rim and just under the rim. The bottom have does not have lube so there’s a decent size area for me to hold onto while I insert it. And it’s different than a tampon because I don’t really have to go up in there with a tampon at least I hadn’t noticed having to do that, but with this… maybe because it’s new… I do have to go up in there. I wasn’t uncomfortable to wear which is normal with a tampon. With a pad.. it’s definitely noticeable… well I use the big overnight ones normally. But when it’s time to take it out… it’s kind of messy. I have to go up in there to find the little tab to pull it out. I noticed if I’m leaning over to get it… that it wants to continue to go up and it’s more challenging. So I have to sit straight up and reach so it’s closer to the base and easier to pull out. And I’m not sure how to do this quite yet… because as I’m pulling it out the cup is expanding and so it’s hitting my sensitive area and I’m not sure I like it… hehe… It was a surprise the first time it happened… I was like oh hey there… ok that’s been dormant for awhile… hehe but… well.. look who it is… the Thailand buddy has responded with a laughing emoji… I sent one back in response. Maybe this is a good time to finish up… so I can focus… hehe.. Geesh! He responds with an “X”… what does that mean? XOXO type of thing? I don’t know these things… oh my goodness… well.. wish me luck you all… I’ll need it! Until next time…