withinUverse

Well alright… so it’s been over a week since I wrote and I’ve been going strong on the urban community design. So strong that I”ve had to restart on the design because my original designs were not looking at a larger picture I actually want to design. So I began to design the new one and it started with pretty much starting with a large basement in the backyard. I’ll go into details but I just want to start by purgining out my ideas with how I came to some design conclusions… so yes this isn’t organized as well as I’d like but oh well… this is my way of purgining. In fact I’ve been working on perspective drawings and wanting to start to give a reference of what I’m trying to explain… and in my head I want it all to be as inclusive as possible before sharing.. but I just want to start sharing before I have it designed out… hehe… I”m just too excited about it. Man… I guess I can start with the big picture a bit before I break into details… so I think I’ve mentioned wanting to have the consideration of being certified as a Platnimum LEED design… so that has definitely been in my mind as I”m designing this. I’m wanting this community to have it’s own microgrid energy management system. I”m sure due to it’s location we’ll still have to be hooked up to the grid to comply… but there is so many amazing discoveries made for sustainable ways to harvest and store energy and I”d like to include many on this property. So we can monitor it’s effeminacy and store the energy to use when needed. Ideally we’d have much excess energy reserves we can either share and I believe get compensated by returning the energy to the grid… or I like the idea of sharing the excess energy to the direct extended community around the urban community. I think this might be a good way to get in good with the neighborhood… I’m sure just like the carpenter… people here will be skeptical of having such an innovative lay progressive structure being placed in their vicinity… however, if eventually having us in the neighborhood will reduce their energy costs maybe they might not be so resistant of this type of change. Again I’d love this to be an educational space… and hell… maybe they can check out the different ways we are harvesting energy and might want to install their own on their property and might need to share with ours eventually. However, I’m really wanting the ones of us who would like to build community focused projects instead of individual focused however… that’s not where everyone is at and that’s perfectly fine. Being more self reliant and self sustainable in any degree are steps towards the wellness of the whole. And again… I realize that cities are in a much larger scale doing what I”m proposing however their development could have been through centuries of change so remodeling the original systems can be a bit more tricky… and I guess that’s one of the reasons I thought maybe of placing a basement under the backyard and many other places because I’m thinking to have access to the systems to monitor and repair.. and also if it’s drastically not the proper technology for the times anymore that it can be replaced with newer technologies. I’m trying to remember that what I design is not just for my lifetime in this body… but for the future generations as well. This community will be designed to last and want to try my best to keep at flexible as we can at this time. I realize that disturbing the soil isn’t really in lines with sustainable approaches… however, I want to in this particular case because a lot of the soil isn’t healthy on this plot… and this is just a guess by the outside appearance and might not be accurate; however, growing soil will be a focus on what we do here as well… so in a long term view… we’ll be more sustainable… I hope… hehe.. so I think I’ve mentioned the aesthetics of the community too. So if any of us have been interested in looking at videos of say the water filtration systems on off-grid homes…. The systems work but aren’t as aesthetically pleasing as I’d like… I’d much rather have the containers underground and from the ground we see beautiful water garden habitats… right that’s what nature is already doing… we just have the ability now to be able to create a replica in specific locations. I guess I’ll focus on water energy first since that was where I started on my design concept. So what… we’re thinking we have a backyard, a front yard, and a three-story building. We’d be circulating the water through the entire community and also using the different heights to possible add in ways to capture energy and also cleaning the water. Let’s start with the different systems that I’ve been gravitating towards… and less just remind everyone… I’m not a professional in any of this… hehe.. I”m just a dreamer who sees these things are available and if I had the opportunity to design a space I’d like to incorporate these ideas. I’ve done some research however, I know there’s many gaps because I don’t have direct experience in these areas… but I”m also very open to collaborations and I’ll be attracting people who will have far more knowledge and be very open to fitting in the puzzle pieces that I cannot see. But let’s continue.. the pumped hydropowered storage looks promising in this project. Hydropower Department of energy What is Hydropower? Hydropower plants produce electricity using the elevation difference created by a dam or diversion structure. They contribute significantly to the flexibility and stability of electricity grids by providing energy on demand. Facilities can ramp up or down and start and stop quickly to ensure communities have the electricity they need to stay up and running. As a result, these facilities can also serve as a dependable backup during major electricity outages or disruptions. These qualities make maintaining existing hydropower facilities while expanding capacity important to ensuring electricity grids remain reliable, resilient, and secure. While most people might associate hydropower with the Hoover Dam—a huge facility harnessing the power of an entire river behind it—hydropower facilities come in many sizes. Some may be large, but they can be small, too, harnessing power from water moving through existing pipelines, irrigation canals, and other humanmade structures.  One of the best opportunities to add more hydropower to electricity grids is by adding power-generating infrastructure to dams that do not produce power. Notably, the United States has more than 90,000 dams that were built for many purposes—such as flood control, water storage, irrigation, navigation, and recreation—and less than 3% of those dams currently produce power. Meanwhile, pumped storage hydropower (PSH) is the largest contributor to U.S. energy storage. It relies on two reservoirs of water, one at a higher elevation than the other. During periods of high energy production, excess energy can be used to pump water up into the higher reservoir. At times of high demand, PSH facilities can release water from that higher reservoir into the lower pool, spinning a turbine that runs a generator to produce electricity. So theoretically we’d have at least two main reservoirs to store water at a higher elevation than the lower reservoir. In this example it seems to imply that the turbines are attached directly to the generator for instant energy access which might not be what I’m looking for… possibly… but I’d think that I’d want to be more interested in simulating an open-loop hydro powered system in a closed-loop setup. Which will have the ability to be constantly turning the turbines which can store the energy in batteries for later use. Here’s more information on the difference between open and closed loop systems. Pumped Storage Hydropower Department of Energy Open-Loop Versus Closed-Loop Pumped Storage Hydropower PSH can be characterized as open-loop or closed-loop. Open-loop PSH has an ongoing hydrologic connection to a natural body of water. With closed-loop PSH, reservoirs are not connected to an outside body of water. Open-loop pumped storage hydropower systems connect a reservoir to a naturally flowing water feature via a tunnel, using a turbine/pump and generator/motor to move water and create electricity. Closed-loop pumped storage hydropower systems connect two reservoirs without flowing water features via a tunnel, using a turbine/pump and generator/motor to move water and create electricity. So I’m hoping to simulate a river on the property where there is no standing stagnant water. Here are some reasons why I’m not wanting to promote closed-loop reservoir ideas. Cons to Standing Water Google Search AI Overview Compared to flowing water, standing water has several disadvantages, including: increased risk of bacterial growth and disease transmission due to lack of movement, potential for harmful algal blooms, accumulation of pollutants, attraction of disease-carrying insects like mosquitoes, and a higher likelihood of developing unpleasant odors and tastes due to stagnant conditions. Key points about the downsides of standing water: Bacteria and pathogen growth: Without movement, standing water provides a perfect environment for bacteria, viruses, and other pathogens to thrive, potentially causing health issues if ingested. Mosquito breeding grounds: Stagnant water is a prime breeding site for mosquitoes, which can transmit diseases like malaria and dengue fever. Poor water quality: Standing water can accumulate pollutants and debris from the surrounding area, leading to decreased water quality. Biofilm formation: Biofilms, a sticky layer of bacteria and other organisms, can form on surfaces in stagnant water, further contributing to contamination. Unpleasant odors: Due to the decomposition of organic matter in standing water, unpleasant smells can develop. Limited oxygen levels: Lack of movement in standing water can lead to reduced oxygen levels, impacting aquatic life. By the way… I’ve been visiting Wikipedia lately for my research and each time they have a message to donate a small amount to help support them… If anyone reading this wants to donate before the new year here’s the link I just seen when I went to water stagnation… Water stagnation - Wikipedia I am not an affiliate just thought some might be interested. But let’s continue… If we are going to be filtering the water it will have to have a consistent flow as well… so it just makes sense.. and honestly I want to create a man-made hot spring to enjoy… so our system will be like nature as well with a combination of areas looking like a river and other points that look like a spring… hehe. I’m not certain on the flow rate that would be needed here. I’m guessing for the hydropower storage will need as much velocity as possible to be efficient but then for other areas such as cleaning or filtering the water and also solar heating the water for the hot spring and for all season access to the system will need more time and less velocity to do it’s thing. So again designing this into the planning phase is crucial but definitely doable. I’m assuming there’s an aesthetically pleasing way to do this too… hehe… in my mind we can have this beautiful waterfall coming from the third level to the ground like a damn??? And having a large base to hold the water temporarily as it channels through a smaller canal to slow down the flow rate into the backyard and use gravity and a minimal grade to the land??? Even though the water will be held at the base for a longer period of time since it’s being agitated by the waterfall it will have the qualities of a stagnant water source. With it being on the third story… there’s opportunities to have cascading falls coming onto each floor and possibly having multiple hydropower storage opportunities. Such as waterwheels and such… i don’t know there’s so many options and ways to design… it seems endless… hehe… So using gravity is the obvious advantage which will be utilized; however, as this original system the pumped hydropowered storage implies… we need to get the water back to the top and so they use a pump which sustainable practices uses solar generated pumps to get the water back to the top. So of course this is an option that is already being used and is sustainable… but of course I ran into another system that is intriguing and I would like to introduce into the design at least somewhere to take advantage and room to explore more possibilities. A water pump that doesn’t use electricity. I have seen it being called the Wirtz pump… hehe… however it seems like Wikipedia says that’s incorrect that’s its the Wirz pump with no “T”… if we do a search without the “t” it won’t show anything though… hehe… but here’s a bit of information on the pump… I really enjoyed watching YouTube videos on people building and demonstrating how this spiral pump works… moving water from a low point vertically to a high point. Water Pumping Wikipedia Spiral pump A spiral pump, sometimes called a Wirz pump or incorrectly Wirtz pump, is a low lift pump which is composed of a long piece of metal plating, which is wound into a coil and sealed at the top and back extremities so as to resemble a cylinder. The outer cavity serves as the inlet, while the inner (partial) tube serves as the outlet. A coiled plastic tube will suffice for this arrangement. The outlet pipe is fixed to a water wheel, engine or animal which is capable of rotating the pump quickly. Due to this rotation, water is picked up by the outer cavity and pumped upwards in the hose. Applications The spiral pump, as many low lift pumps, is commonly used for irrigation purposes and for drainage of lands. Based on the same principle as the Archimedean screw, it consists of a rotating tube or plane (screw) to move a liquid. Unlike the Archimedean screw, it can pump while horizontal. The Archimedean screw must be tilted at an angle. The spiral pump, if fitted with a suitable rotating seal, can deliver water to a greater height than the coil pump, typically 5-10m, above their discharge opening. Its main drawback is that the output is small - an output proportional to the volume of the largest coil being moved each revolution.[3] Despite the emergence of new pumps that operate on other principles, the spiral pump remains an important tool as it can be built and repaired easily at a very low cost. This is possible as all the components can be built from local resources such as sheet metal bent into the desired form with or without machine tools. Origins The Zürich pewterer Andreas Wirz (often incorrectly referred to as Wirtz) invented the pump in 1746. The first published description and mechanical analysis was written by JH Ziegler twenty years later, in 1766, with Wirz' consent.[4] Wirz' original pump was powered by a stream wheelin the Limmatriver, to raise water for a dye house.[5][6][7] I’m chuckling a little bit because the diagram they are using isn’t the most successful design for this pump. It has a tight coil spiraling from the center of the wheel… in the videos I’ve seen… this doesn’t work well… the gentleman had to go to his buddy who has a successful one he uses and he was told that the spiral coil needs to be larger to gain more elevation but Also concentrated on the edges of the wheel not in the center… so I see all of these opportunities to edit the content… I’m have tempted to change it, but I don’t know the accuracy but I wish that guy did… hehe… he might’ve used the diagram and got it wrong originally because of it… hehe.. anyway… these can be created by resources found nearby it says… and again… I’m always looking for cool opportunities to make the environment aestically pleasing and interesting with the introduction of variety… I know of a few professional glass blowers and I wonder if they’d be down to create a glass spiral pump so educationally and just cool way to see the process of increasing the air pressure to move water to elevated heights… I can’t remember how high water can be lifted but far enough for our project definitely. I found this little article to give a better idea of an actual working Wirz pump. https://lurkertech.com/water/pump/tailer/ The Spiral Pump: A High Lift, Slow Turning Pump By Peter Tailer, TailerP@aol.com Summary: A spiral pump, first invented in 1746, has been recreated and tested at Windfarm Museum using lightweight and inexpensive modern materials. A 6 foot diameter wheel with 160 feet of 1-1/4 inch inside diameter flexible polyethylene pipe is able to pump 3.900 gallons of water per day to a 40 foot head with a peripheral speed of 3 feet per second. With its low torque requirements, the pump is particularly suited to be mounted on and driven by a paddle wheel in a current of two feet per second or greater. This easily built, low maintenance spiral pump can be used to provide water without the need for fuel wherever there is a flowing stream or river. It can also be hand turned or otherwise driven to provide a low cost, efficient pump. So this is more like I saw that was working in the videos… especially I saw that it needed to be a slower rotation… in the videos when the guy was trying to rotate by hand at faster rates it wasn’t as successful as it was being turned slower… which I noted and so again for deign purposes… I’d want to simulate the appropriate river for this application in this location. I wonder if I can find that YouTube video real quick… Found it… here’s Steve Mould’s video https://youtu.be/wCxRHueX6jQ?si=TMeFQvwA19DOQkev I forgot to subscribe but I remembered… I think I’d enjoy his content… we’ll see… but yeah maybe the glass design is not practical… but sometimes during my designs it doesn’t have to be practical… hehe… sometimes I just want some cool stuff just because… So… I’m going to jump over to the hot spring design which continues to change… hehe… but it’s something I want to include and address right now. So…. Literally right before I started typing the Journal… I decided to change up my design I had where I had a separate pool from the hot tube… but I think I’d much prefer to have this feature connected. It’s most likely going to continue to change… but we’ll continue from where we’re at right now. So… ideally I want o have a water feature that we can enjoy… when I say we… I’m saying humans, plants, and possible habitat for insects and small animals maybe? I’m not sure what kind of animals might be interactive in this space since it’s in an urban setting but I know birds and squirrels for sure. So… where to start? I guess I’ve been really drawn to these natural pools or organic swimming pools. Have you checked this out yet? Love them! At least the theoretical principles since I haven’t actually been inside of one… but it looks right up my alley. Here’s a google search on them to give you an idea of what I’m talking about. Organic Pools - Google Search so I’ve been wanting to incorporate this somewhere on the property. Many of these are fairly large and I’m not really looking for a lap pool…just a space to enjoy and cool off. And we may wonder how in the hell are we gong to cool down with a hot spring? Well I’m trying to figure this out right now… hehe.. so originally I separated the space but I don’t think that’s necessary. Water is cooler the deeper the water… so there will be a 9 foot depth in this design which again will be cooler, but not at the surface level… for me right now I’m ok with this particular area…. So we can still cool off if we want to. So there’s part of this design I haven’t mentioned yet. I’ve been looking at the adjacent neighbors land and using this to help in the design process. In this location it’s the farthest point of the land and it’s very sparse in terms of trees and natural privacy which has a fence at the moment for privacy… however our building is going to be tall and so I’d like to have trees in this space to add natural privacy for the upper floors. So there’s an idea of having this location for the drum circle which will have a fire element and adding a water feature as well… so… the ground level will have the water feature and we’re going to build a second floor over the water to have an organic roof concept to plant trees. So here’s the types of organic roof concepts. Organic Roofs - Google Search AI Overview There are several types of organic roofs, including: Intensive These roofs are like gardens and parks, and can include urban agriculture. They can be covered with a variety of vegetation, including trees, grasses, herbs, and bushes. Intensive roofs allow for more design options and can include both hard and soft landscaping. Semi-intensive These roofs are mainly made up of small shrubs, herbaceous plants, and aromatic plants. Unlike extensive roofs, the client and landscape architect can choose the plants for these roofs. Extensive These roofs are low maintenance and natural, and have a shallow base. They are ideal for roofs with high slopes and typically support sedums or moss. Blue-green These roofs combine green roof technology with blue roof technology to maximize water storage. They help to reduce runoff and contribute to sustainable urban drainage systems. Biosolar These roofs combine solar energy and green roofs to provide renewable energy and biodiversity. Biodiverse These roofs are primarily used for their ecological benefits. They contain recycled materials like rubble, gravel, rubber, or logs to encourage wildlife like bees and small insects. Sloped These roofs are highly visible and attractive, but they have unique challenges. They need to deal with shear forces and erosion due to gravity. In this particular area I’d like to look into the Intensive roof so we can plant the trees… which will need a heavy duty foundation which will already be known from the start. We’d like to combine the blue-green, bio solar, and biodiverse green roofs too. So… there’s so many things that go into my head and I’m hoping I can mention a few while I’m writing… but there’s going to be an obstacle course which is going to be hidden in the landscape. This will be one of the elements… there’s going to be stairs leading to the organic roof and there’s going to be a cutout on this deck so we can jump through the hole into the 9 foot deep section of the hot spring… I’m thinking there’ might be like a monkey bar setup under the upper deck over the water to cross over in a more challenging way instead of swimming to the bank. But anyway… I thought it would be cool for people to jump into the water this way…and also be able to cool off… could possibly be a way for a cold plunge??? I don’t know if the water at the surface will get cool enough for this.. but it will still be cold jumping into the water in winter… especially getting out of the water… hehe… for some reason I’m drawn to using warm water therapy so maybe there will be another opportunity for me to design a cold water station… I just haven’t gotten there at this time. So I feel like this area will be the lower reservoir area… I’m not certain if there is going to be a water storage container even under this area but possibly… in the hot spring section it’s been designed around hot tubs so around 40 inches deep and slopes to ground level for vegetation and young kiddo play areas. I’m not certain how I”m going to separate the deep end for children but that’s already present in my awareness… I’ve just been absorbed in the wet spa area…hehe… so I wanted to utilize the space under the stairs leading to the upper deck. I want to include as many healing modalities for us to take advantage of…and I notice that the Aussie likes his saunas… so why not add an intimate sauna setting under the stairs and over the water… I’ve been looking at different ways of heating the water when it was going to be a hot tub… and I don’t know if necessarily have the water at hot tub temperatures all the time.. but maybe occasionally… and I really like the wood burning tubs… have I mentioned this already last time? Hehe.. anyway applying this to the sauna and I’m actually leaning towards the Nordic regions of using the sauna on the daily. My buddy from Sweden made a sauna on the river when he was in Peru… I didn’t get to experience it with him but it sounded amazing… and I want this to be an international community and I want to include as many cultures as I can to help everyone feel included. So I’ve been looking into the under the staircase sauna room lately. Definitely been trying to look at the building codes to be able to find a design that is safe for the space. I’ve been showing some of this to my pops and he loves it because it’s similar to his fantastical ideas he comes up with.. but he assumed I’d be using wood construction for the stairs… and I said we can make it out of different materials. I’m leaning towards a stainless steel stairway… with architectural styles we could customize it to our wishes. But mainly it doesn’t have to have posts to support its weight and also we can remove the stringer if we want depending on the design. I”m not sure how much detail I”m going to go into at this time… but it’s been so much fun to go into all the materials available to help this system be safe but also effective. So I’ve been looking at fireplace and oven designs to use sustainable materials to retain thermal heat and also release the heat slower in its surroundings. Sustainable materials like mineral wool insulation which is supposed to be self extinguishing properties when caught on fire… just in case… and terra cotta clay tiles to help with easy cleanup too. I”m thinking about things being somewhat hidden in plain site… like I mentioned the obstacle course earlier… I don’t want it to look obviously like an obstacle course but if we’re observant enough…we’ll start to notice the opportunities… which is the case in Reality anyway… the beauty and potential seems to be hidden in plain site… we only need to continue our awareness and creativity to take advantage of all the potential already present. But anywho… To access the wood burning heating element we’ll have a step that will open up to access this space to add in the logs and such… in this stair design it has a few landings so this will be at a landing location so the access will be larger than a 12 in step normally… in the current design it’s about 28 inches deep so it’s not too deep to reach the space to add wood but also to clean up the ashes… which we’ll have an ash trap door under the unit so we can sweep it down into an ash storage area.. which I’m still finding a way to access the ashes easier from the ground level so we can use ash in different projects… right now I’ve got the access door in the basement area which is doable but not too convenient. But this design is in its fetal stage of development. We’ll have ourselves as organized as possible… so we’ll use another stair as a storage area where we can place objects like a short handle broom, fire poker/fire straw, safety fire gloves, collapsible log grabber, natural fire starters, things like this… that can be easily accessible but obviously the return the fire tools location too. We’ll have an outdoor fire pit too which I just went to an amazing winter solstice event where they were very intentional fire tenders… the fire pit design is much better than what I originally had. So that’s being changed… hehe… oh goodness I can continue to go on tangents and I’m trying my best to not allow my mind to go there fully… I’m trying to give an idea of what’s going so far and it’s potential… I’ve been finding several companies who will custom design elements for each project which is awesome. The metal coil would be one example… we can change the material… looking at copper coils with 1-1/4” diameter which will be threaded down to the basement so it can enter the lower water level of the hot springs to draw in the cool water and as the wood heats the water it rises to be expelled to the upper water level to create a warm water eventually hot springs feel. Many might ask why use a fire burning as the heat source? Because I love fire… hehe… I’m open to change this since we have an outdoor fire pit… but I also was looking at the Nordic designs… and I found the smoke saunas in Finland as very interesting thought too… smoke rises and it has a layer of smoke at the ceiling which I think would look super cool and of course they cannot describe the feeling it is to be in one unless we’ve done it for ourselves… so maybe I’ll have to check it out before actually building one… but I have a feeling I’m going to love it… hehe… so there are going to be vents incorporated into the steps to allow the smoke to be expelled instead of using a chimney. Having the chimney right off the fire I feel wastes a lot of the heat. This becomes a ritual as well…so taking the time for the fire to burn and allowing the smoke to build but also can be released if desired and just wait for the lava rocks to get heated up so we can dip our long handled spoons into the water and steam up the space by pouring it over the rocks. Oh goodness… here’s an opportunity for a cool idea just because it’s cool and not necessary… just an opportunity to design something cool… hopefully… so I think having a double seating setup inside this space like many saunas… so we can sit closer to the ceiling so it’s hotter, but the lower seating will actually be inside the water. By the way… I had mentioned this idea to a builder and he said it’s impossible and I’ll be overheating people… and that’s not what I want… so we’ll have measuring tools that will allow us to monitor the temperatures of the water and air so we’re not reaching dangerous levels for the bodies. I guess the first design I’ll try to explain is the hidden upper seating available to use. I”m going to see if I can find a picture similar to what I”m thinking… I’ve seen this before in furniture designs but I haven’t found it again.. but I’ll try again real quick because it’s going to be easier for me to show you instead of explaining….hehe… So I couldn’t find it again… but here’s a similar idea I found on Temu… vintage style wall mounted folding shower stool versatile - Temu So I’m wanting to design this so the section of the seating that is being folded down from the wall is the only wood that is showing… in fact I’d have it recessed into the wall so it looks like it could be part of the decoration for the wall treatments… but when we want to sit higher in the room we can grab the wood and start pulling them down to make a seat. Oh yeah the example I found had a piece of wood that has all the brackets connected like one unit… but I would not like this.. I’d like them to be all independent and we have a choice of seating for one person or more and depending where we want to sit we can decide which ones we pull down to use. The wood will be the classical cedar or whitewoods. But the cool idea I was thinking was putting the water onto the rocks. I love having the long wooden spoon to use however, I’d like a different way to do this that again isn’t as obvious. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to describe this but I think it would be cool to make a cook wall installation where we can dip the spoon from where ever you are seated and place it into the wall cubbies maybe where the cubbies will be connected to a system that will maze it’s way to over the rocks and start to drip the water onto the rocks. Ok… again… I have only been in a sauna geesh I think only once… hehe… so i”m not a professional user of this so maybe… this isn’t ideal to have more prolonged dripping system of adding water onto the rocks instead of the burst of a ladder of water poured onto the rocks. I mean we can be using a combination of the two systems… hehe… we can have sporadic drippings and when desired a burst… does this make any sense? I’ve looked at the salt mines in Peru that make these tiny canals with gradual water movement that created these curved squarish designs in this location but I also saw ceramic tiles that created veins and that’s what I’m thinking… creating veins or canals for the water to follow until the water can be released above the stones. I keep wanting us to be able to see the water doing this… but of course water is transparent… so I”m not sure how to see or watch this movement without putting any color into the water… I definitely wouldn’t want to use dye… but maybe there is a way… i know we’re creative enough to find some cool solutions. It’s an idea I get and I think of these movies that have some cool things like this that happen and why not make it happen in our space… hehe… but I’ve also thought of different ideas in this small space too. Which again I don’t know if it’s really practical or doable in this space… but ok I’m going to come right out and say it… lol…. Well it’s taken me awhile to talk about it but I cannot help but think of creating sexy spaces into this design… I mean… I’m designing this for everyone but I also know I’m going to be sharing this space with my lover as well.. and so I cannot remove this from my design concepts… so I thought of areas I can create an atmosphere for some sexy time together… so this area will be enclosed and private… there’s going to be like a half door to enter into the space where it will be hovering over the water and can be locked from the inside. I realize this wouldn’t stop anyone from swimming under the door to enter the space… but I’m hoping we have mature community members and understands that this closed door concept is the same thing as hanging a sock on the door knob or something like that… it’s private time for the people in the space. And yes… I’m even designing the benches in the water to be designed to create potential opportunities to enhance sexy time in this space in a creative way where I think it sounds sexy to be in water in privacy and design opportunities to maybe play in different positions… again… this might not be necessary because a flat regular bench will be just fine… but what if there could be more fun with a different approach. So I want to have plants inside this space too… so I’ve been debating if there’s going to be a window or not. So I want a window for the plants inside to get access to sunlight… I’m thinking we can create a tropical setting with the humidity being captured in this space… I remember being in a canoe in the village in Peru and all of these little water lettuce floating plants in the river… I’d love to have them floating on the water in this space… hehe along with diverse plant selections. Possibly the plants that are more harmful for animals and not humans in this area so I can create a healthier habitat where animals will have access… but there’s some cool plants I enjoy that can be in this enclosure so they don’t have access… again nothing is written in stone just throwing out some of the ideas. The window ideas could allow the sunlight in near the ceiling and then add reflective qualities in the ceiling and walls to reflect the light and have a passive lighting for the plants… or maybe a two way mirror design? Where the public outside of the space wouldn’t be able to see any of the activities inside… it will help enhance the outside space reflecting the outdoors with the mirror but while we’re inside the room the sunlight can come in… and actually we can monitor the activity outside in case people are arriving abruptly we can wrap sexy time… hehe… I don’t know if this is an ethical option??? It says if it’s installed in a public space it’s legal but in private spaces it’s not… so what if it’s both… hehe… anyway… I haven’t eaten yet today… and so I’m going to take a break. I might get back on later… but I just wanted to share a little bit of the design process I’m absorbed in at this time… hehe… I’m enjoying myself definitely… but I’m also hoping to find collaborators who might be interested in this type of design. There seems to be some changes that are going on right now for me… and so I have to continue to remind myself to not get obsessive right now in this project… I’ve got to be open to many opportunities presenting itself. It’s been an unusual holiday season for me… well… when I’m not visiting family… it’s normal… but since I am home and not spending much time with family and friends seems odd.. but I’m oddly ok with this too. Not that I haven’t spent any time with family and friends… it just seems there’s a lot of segregation going on… and I’m not really into involving myself in drama as much as possible. I did have a girl friend who came back for a week who I haven’t seen for a few years. There were three of us who hung out a few days back that was really enjoyable. Gosh… I went into the urban design as the focus today… but there’s so much more going on .. but again… I’m hungry so I’m going to leave it here for now. Ok.. until next time… enjoy ourselves!

Ok… I cannot stop expanding on this urban community design… today I had to restart the project because when I first started I was thinking quite small and I can’t stop and I don’t want to stop the expansive ideas I keep getting and so I was like… I didn’t have this when I started and I kept on getting restricted on the original design… so I started over. As I was rethinking what I would actually like to build… first of all… I’ve been wanting to build for most of my life and I”ve done some construction projects in Colorado in the small village but these were remodeling projects and I didn’t get a chance to design… I was the master carpenter’s helper… so I was just following instructions which is where I needed to be without knowing how to use tools and no idea of what the design was…. But what if I had my own project… well I’d do it to the best of my abilities and go big… what’s the point of going small? won’t have much potential to grow… if I go large then I’ll have more benefits to gain from. So yeah… it’s so fun to allow my creativity to explore.. there are so many ideas I’m having and I know I”m just starting. But I also know I want this to be a Platinum LEED certified building. Again why shoot for small… if I know at the beginning I want this certification… then I can design this into the plans. I have a few friends who are or were builders… my buddy I stay with in Colorado he did this for decades and I got a chance to text him tonight. He was going to hangout with neighbors so we didn’t get a chance to actually chat but what I told him… he was excited to check the project out… he hasn’t done this for awhile. He’s had a few businesses and he was a restaurant/bar owner the last one before he retired which is when we met a few years back. But he said he likes checking out projects like this… so I’ve got many questions… I’m hoping he can trigger areas I haven’t thought of right now. So… now that I know I’m going to be going into the ground and also having some floors above ground… I’m also looking at the construction materials I’d like to do from a sustainable aspect. There’s ICF that doesn’t use foam and has some great qualities for me in particular there’s a great noise reduction… they’ve used this even in between railways to reduce the noise which says seems to really quite the sound… I want the sound studio part of the design and don’t want to disturb the neighbors and also be able to record with fewer issues of noise. Plus just the comfort of the occupants in the space… I’d like it to be a relatively quiet environment… but in the studio it can resonate with great sound. I’m doing the dance studio where I’ve always wanted to make sure I add in floating floors… and I”m wondering why I wouldn’t place this in areas that the occupants would be using too… anti fatigue so easy on the joints… most of these ideas I feel I could design and build without having to hire installers… we’ll see… but there’s a lot of projects that I’m looking at that seems it would be awesome to build them myself… I’ve already thought about furniture designs too… it’s crazy how macro and micro my mind is getting in this design… so much so it goes from one thing to another… I cannot stop… and I’m trying not to fixate on one project since I’m trying to do the macro… but I cannot wait to get to the micro too… I”m going to be personalizing every little detail. I mean I’m even plotting out the size of a 3 ton excavator and figuring out the path it should be taking on the land so it has less damage to the ground and where to place it waiting for further use of the dirt. I met a buddy who was interested in ceremony last time I was here from my home town who has his own excavator and does large machinery for his job. I don’t think the excavator he owns is going to be big enough to dig as deep as I’d like… but I”m sure he has a network to ask for help. So yeah this time it’s getting much more detailed… even the different types of concrete I want to use which there are several… but especially for basements I’m leaning on pouring the microfiber cement into the ICF blocks. Again I haven’t check all the options but I’m gathering a ton of information. I’m really wanting this to be an education center and I’ve been telling myself I want to easily access these processes and also able to show people what’s going on below the surface. So I’m going to be building underground corridors where I’ll have water filtration systems for gray and hopefully black water systems… which again I see above ground in plastic containers and some place them under decks… but I’m hoping to design it in a way where it looks like and somewhat underground, but there will be access from underneathe to service or repair any damage. And if we need to replace the material… we’d be able to do this. I mean I’m thinking in these corridors I’ll mount shelving with most likely supplies that would be needed to maintenance the project. And adding a library ladder to roll to the different filtration stations… which again since they are underground… I want to spread them out so aesthetically it can be designed to be more pleasing and natural when experiencing above the surface. I”m hoping to be able to rotate this water and so I’d be able to grade the land in different directions to help with gravity feeding. And ability to irrigate the lawn. I was looking at google earth again and I started to look at the trees outside of the yard in the neighbors yard… and it started to change my ideas of location for bedrooms especially on the upper floors… there is a lot of tree coverage in one spot… and I think I’d like our bedrooms there… we can have windows but have the trees be beautiful to see but also some privacy. There’s a part of the backyard that hardly has any trees and is quite open and I’ve been looking into green roof designs… and I’m thinking of adding a second story intensive green roof in that spot and go ahead and get mature trees to get some immediate private in this corner of the land. Oh… and there’s a huge privacy fence surrounding the property… I was looking at the neighbors yards and I think in some spots I”ll keep a fence probably made of stone of some type with plants… plant wall or something… but it’s also the area where I plan on having a drum circle area so again help reduce the noise from getting to the neighbors. Unfortunately I don’t want to enclose the drum circle so I’ll just have to be neighborly and talk with the neighbors to see what’s appropriate for them. But normally I’m not a fence type of person. I mean I”m more of a everybody’s welcome… and it makes the space look larger than it is if we can see the other yards as an extension to ours. But I also see that most of the neighborhood has fences so I guess I want to have some creative fences… some that I can draw a design and cut out so some privacy and some air and sun flow… but also to express this personality of creativity here. There’s one fence design that I saw that I really enjoyed. It was made of these thin sheets of metal in small strips that were placed with about 8” gaps in between them. It made a really cool visual effect and I love that idea. But again as I’m thinking about the neighbors and also the guests here… who might want the more privacy thing.. I’m thinking of having those vertical strips in some type of material… but placing them on a turntable so it can be opened or closed depending on someone’s preference. There’s a neighbor who’s pretty close to the yard and has a fire pit there… so yeah if they have guests over and they don’t want to be social… they can walk up to the fence and close them fairly easy to get their privacy. Because it rotates it can be accessed from both sides. I’m thinking of the LEED certification… I’m wondering if we’d get points if a lot of the projects are made by ourselves and not being bought and shipped to us? I”m not exactly sure what they all consider but they do have a team that helps through the entire process from planning and building. I’d like to hear what they consider important. I’m hoping to create more green spaces than what’s there now. I mean it has quite a bit and I’m going to be building but that’s why the green roofs… and with the temporary residents especially the wwoofing community I want to have projects they can be involved with… so of course fruits and vegetables… of my goodness I absolutely love fruit and so does my dad… and so I’m thinking of planting several fruit trees probably in the front yard so it can be a neighborhood thing… they might not care to take care of them… but when it’s time to eat them I’m sure everyone would be interested in that. But I was also thinking of storage and with my pops building a “root cellar”… hehe… I’d like to have a root cellar as well. But since a lot of the food being grown is going to be on the upper floors then I’m looking at root cellar designs for this. Which also plays in the weight of the foundation can hold up… again which is great that we’re thinking about this now in the planning phases… because one of my ideas is a cob cellar… I’ve always found cob interesting because of the organic shapes it can make. I don’t think I can get approval for a large cob structure… but starting off with smaller structures should be approved. I believe I mentioned the cob stove/fire pit that might go into a natural floor heating system… but a cob refrigerator root cellar would be cool too… and this could be where we store produce… but also it can be use for the occupants closer to their bedroom quarters? Thres’ many factors in play to designing this which I won’t go into right now but the necessity of storing fruits separate from the vegetables because of the gases they omit is something to think about and possibly areas where it can store regular fridge items could be separate too? There’s just so much I cannot even think about all the things I wanted to write about… oh obviously this is going to be a smart home design… having technology assist in energy efficiency, comfortability of guests and residents… automation in as many areas with sensors recording the data… to who is on property using keypads or cards… there’s so much and I’m so excited to design this project. Crazy how it didn’t arise until I was on my hands and knees at a home scrapping off paint and glue from the new floors… hehe… There’s going to be a few similarities from the original design I started maybe but I’m switching some stuff up definitely. I”m pretty sure I’ll be able to remove the necessary parts of the roof to add upper floors about the existing structure… and any materials we remove we’ll be able to use somewhere else. I”m hoping to talk to my buddy soon to see what his opinion is of this… and if it’s best to just add to the original foundation for more strength… he doesn’t have anymore contacts for structural engineers but he’s done several projects so he can give me an idea. We’re going to be digging around the entire perimeter of the original structure so I feel it’s definitely doable. If we have to go around the foundation in areas I’m cool with that too… it’s underground… hehe… so it won’t be an eyesore and again might be an option for someone in the future and see how well it works. I cannot stand the hvac system with the heat coming from the ceiling… I’ve been thinking about this and possibly adding the exterior mass around the existing home might help. Hell placing fans or something to help distribute the heat downwards temporarily might also help… but I’m half tempted to put in another system below the existing home for the ground floor and then the original system will be used for the upper floors… so I am still using the system but making it more affective. lol… I keep getting messages to rest and it’s so hard for me when I’ve got my mind set on a project. But yeah… I just wanted to jot some ideas down on here tonight… well I guess it’s the morning… the clock just changed to 2:22am… so yeah… I’ll rest… tomorrow is solstice… I had an invitation to go to an all-night drum circle and I’m still wondering if I’m going to go or not. I don’t have a drum of my own but I think I can get one to use possibly. I couldn’t convince anyone I know from this area who drums to join me…but the people hosting the event down south… I can think of one guy the hubby/chef/musician who started the drum circle around the fire where I started to hear music connecting the beats… he’d be the one I’d ask. Geesh… I should go… I know I’d like to… it’s just supposed to be in what the lows of 24 degrees and I know we’ll be drumming so I shouldn’t get cold… but I get in moods where I make excuses especially since I’m really into this project. So I know I can sit here for days on end thinking more and more about ideas… but it’s much healthier for me to get out at times… socialize and do things I enjoy. i know I want to spend more time with him and his wife… and hopefully meet there kiddos. So yeah I’ll reach out tomorrow and see what happens. There’s many things that are playing out and entangling lately not just this project so I’ll get myself out there. Ok… good night everyone… until next time… enjoy!

Alright… It’s been over a week and I’ve been getting in some good alone time and getting some more clarity on my situation right now. Mostly I’ve been in my own little world of designing an urban community but I’m not going to start there. I’m going to start with romantic relationships. I think it’s going to be pretty funny if people have been reading this and has seen me before I seen myself.. but that does seem to be the case at times… it takes me a while to see myself. In this case I knew who and what I wanted but I guess I had to have a direct experience of what I didn’t want to make sure to confirm what I am really looking for and found. So what am I really looking for in a romantic relationship? As much as I have the love to have the capacity to love multiple partners… I’m not really looking for that. I want to be monogamous and I don’t want second best I want the whole enchilada. I want the ultimate romantic lover. I want to be able to share everything with this partner and compliment each other through thick and thin. There’s no denying my connection and attraction to this amazing man who lives in Australia. Our relationship has been complicated however it’s been the most rewarding learning experience for me to push myself to my fullest potential. And I have more to grow into and regardless of how he is in my life… I’ll continue to expand my potential. Of course ideally I’d love for him to be by my side with reciprocity, openness and vulnerability. This will come and I’m not sure when or how but I trust it’s already in the works. I only started looking for dates is because he wasn’t ready for this type of relationship with me. So I was thinking I would be able to look for a second best relationship. If I wasn’t able to have the top of the list at the time I wanted it, then I’ll just move down the list… even though I really didn’t have a list… I was just hoping I would get guidance. I found myself in crazy situations in the last two months by returning to Indiana… but with these experiences I was trying to tell myself that this is ok… but this is when I wanted to be polyamorous. Because I knew there was no way that I’d find anyone who would take the place of the Australian. But I thought that I could share romantic intimacy with people who were other than him… and going through these situations… and through time for contemplation… I don’t want these crazy relationships… I mean… I want a crazy relationship but I want it with one and only one man. I’m fine to going back to a celibate lifestyle to wait for the best. lol… I had two sexual encounters and that’s all I needed to know that this isn’t what I really want. I wasn’t really comfortable but I was trying to be bold and try new things and was hopeful. But that doesn’t mean I have to be in that state longer than necessary. If I realize this isn’t my cup of tea… then I don’t have to keep trying to force something that just isn’t there. As much as I try to ignore my feelings for the Australian… it’s just exhausting to do this. His presence is there and I don’t want to ignore this… I cannot help but think of him as I’m making decisions. We do not have a continuous line of communication at this time… so many times I’m must using my visions, intuition, and guidance to get me a better idea of where I have to go in life to be able to attract him into my life. And I guess this is where my urban community design starts to come into play. The last time I wrote in this Journal I was going to help my buddy clean up a remodeling job he’s been working on. Well…. I went and I was cleaning. I didn’t have WiFi so I was in silence most of the time in this space. As I was cleaning… I started to think about the possibility of him coming to visit me. I was thinking I was going to be looking for a mobile home and just travel with my little fur buddy and have this be my home because I didn’t think of the Ozzie being physically present in my life anytime soon. I mean I thought I had to get to Nepal before I’d have the chance to see him again. I’m questioning this… I feel like it doesn’t have to be the case. Now doesn’t mean that my visions are wrong… that’s not how they work… it’s speaking to me in a manner that my consciousness understands… and it motivated me to take steps in my life that I didn’t know I needed. Being grounded is the huge insights that I’ve been embodying. Grounding and stability for a strong foundation. There are so many dreams I’m wanting to create and without this grounding and stability… it will all remain talk and dreams… I’m not satisfied with this… My dreams are going to come into Reality. So I’m going to continue to be aware to stay grounded and also build more stability in my life. Now… granted this Australian is the epitome of groundedness and stability which is very attractive to me. But I want to embody this more in myself as well… I want to be complimentary but I don’t want to rely on someone else. I want to rely on myself and have complimentary relationships. He might have much easier aspects for him to be more grounded and stable than myself.. but there are so many benefits for me to be more on the airiness I easily embody. If I was to use the elements I could possibly rate my aspects from ethereal to air to fire to water to earth. I feel like when I speak with people in my life… they might not rate me in this manner though… depending on who they are will depend on how much I show myself to them. So let’s say it’s a stranger who doesn’t really know me well… they might actually assume I’m fire and earth to air to water to ethereal… they probably see much more confidence and passionate about my life. Water and earth are my elements that I’m working on. Again which is funny because many see so much water and earth in me but again it’s hard to see it within myself. I express my emotions but I also want to tame my emotions with a dial of appropriateness… i tend to be more on the fiery side so my emotions can be in bouts of emotions… and I’d like to express my emotions in a more grounded manner… and I can see this happening so I’m glad I’m more aware of what I’m looking to create in myself. That groundedness that earth element has been key to balance. Yes I had degrees of this already… but the dreams I have are huge and so the necessity to increase my earth was desired. So I started to look at the possibility of having this man come into my life. Well… let’s just see what I would consider his elements would be… again this is just my opinion with the limited time of communication… just my feelings… I could consider him earth to air to ethereal to fire to water. He’s stable and routined… he’s extremely intelligent and creative… he practices Zen Buddhism but doesn’t consider this a spiritual practice and he has passion but the mind and stability holds him back to pursue his passions fully and because of our limited communication I’m assuming that his emotional side is something he hasn’t fully embodied at this time. It’s not that he doesn’t have emotions… we are motivated by emotions… but the ability to express emotions with absolute vulnerability… because again he’s so earthy… if it’s not logical or practical then denying emotions is more easily stunted. So as I was cleaning I started to ponder on the possibility of having him come and visit. He’s a gentle giant. So cramped spaces isn’t the ideal space that I would like to host him in… so even though I think he would enjoy the mobile home… it would be only for a very temporary situation. He wouldn’t want to stay in this space for long periods of time…. Times of vacation and adventure… but not all of the time. I don’t either… I would use the mobile home idea but I knew I would be visiting people and communities so I’d have more space and for some reason a permanent location does seem to add to stability for me. But I’m also ok staying with my pops for now with my cat… but again… if he was to come and visit me… this would not be a location for him to visit either. There’s absolutely no way I’d feel comfortable asking him to visit me there. I can barely live there but I love my dad and I don’t mind the way he lives because again I know it’s a temporary situation… and so I was like… holy shit… am I looking for a home? If groundedness and stability is something I want more of to be a foundation and container for my creativity to flourish… then yeah… having a home could do this. I was quite surprised that I was considering a home in Indiana as well… I’m not sure why it’s so surprising because this has been the only location that I really lived in a home style living. I had an apartment in Arizona way back in the day and for a season in Colorado… but it wasn’t really a home… it was a location to put my things and do activities but it wasn’t really homey. But I do feel like home when I come to Indiana. And even though I don’t think this will be my one and only permanent home… I could definitely choose this as one of the locations I’d like to have a home. I’ve always said everyone underestimates Indiana and even I was. There are so many amazing people I find here every time I visit… I love the people I meet here and Indianapolis is a small/large city. Most of it is residence but there are some really cool aspects about Indy that I love. I was at this location and I was surprised how this home is very confidently located… it has the potential to get anywhere in the city quickly through traveling with a car, public transportation, or biking. It’s only a few blocks away from a main road, but once we get into this neighborhood… it has a neighborhoodly feel to it… it’s close to White River and I love that so you have these huge old homes along the river and I guess the Yacht club isn’t far from this location where we can put in a boat or canoes to float down the river which is really fun. The neighborhood that this house lies is mostly ranch working class homes. It does seem a bit overcrowded… but it doesn’t bother me much. This space started inspiring me to design what would I do with this location. At first it looked like I was just designing a home to live in with my cat and having a second bedroom for guests… but I started to realize this isn’t going to only be for me… I won’t be here all the time.. so I want this to be more for temporary people needing a place in transitions… but then my entire personality started to come out… I started to ask myself about looking for communities who I want to work with. I keep finding that most aren’t really ready for any of my input… and honestly it’s valid because… I haven’t had my own community yet… and so I was like… who is ready to work with me? I’m ready to work with myself… hehe… so I started to think that this will be a urban community design. I’ve been wanting to design communities forever… and I thought that a city design would be my final project in this body… and maybe that is the case… but what am I waiting for? why not start the process by building now and learn from it… I don’t have to have a one time huge project as the final compilation of life experience… I can have some to several projects that will continue to expand my knowledge and understanding… where each project will know areas I didn’t know when I first begin. And I love diversity… so I wanted to travel the world to different communities with different land conditions and see solutions. Again… why not start on land that I know better than any other land. I’m sure there’s so many challenges that I don’t know about this land… but I want to know. I want to use solutions but also find alternative solutions. I want to design this community to the best of my abilities now but I also want it to be a research project to allow the community to make changes to see if there are solutions that are better. I haven’t designed a plan in a while and it’s awesome… I absolutely love doing this and I forgot that. But I also see that it continues to change because I keep thinking bigger and more expansive and wholistic. I really would love to design a community that is a caretaker for the community that lives in it. It will have to be a symbiotic relationship… if the community has direction and inspiration then the care they give to the space the space will be designed in return to care for the community. So I know this urban community design is going to be a sore thumb in this neighborhood… but I’m ok with starting a movement then following the crowd… be an example instead of the herd. I was speaking with the main carpenter and he’s been in this neighborhood for forty years and he was stunting the owners plans. The owner has several properties and wanted to add much more to the property and he said that she should look around and see what kind of neighborhood this is… he said this is more of a redneck area of the city. So doing all these upgrades… no one will want to move into this neighborhood with those amenities… this is where I don’t agree. In fact… I love the practicality and ingenuity rednecks have… they want something they’re going to find a way to get it done with the supplies they have. They’re resilient and I respect this. My small town could be considered a redneck town and I love the people. I’ve got tendencies myself… I’m from Indiana… so hillbilly life isn’t something that is foreign to us… and actually something we embrace… hehe. It’s also funny to me because I was telling him where I’m from and he was surprised because I’m not who you would think would be created from the environment… hehe…. Our town is known for a slower acceptance of race in particular… and how in the world does someone with a mixed race who embraces all come from this environment? He said that this was the last location that the black panthers had a parade… so I guess I found another location that is slower in the acceptance of race but because it’s in a city… it’s evolved faster than my small town. But anyway… this urban community will welcome it’s neighbors… I’d love to have the people share the vicinity with the space to get the opportunity to enjoy the space. I hope to also give opportunities for people to experience things they wouldn't because of finances. I”m also really interested in travel people from the States and globally… so the couchsurfers, wwoofers, and workawayers are all welcomed. And the rural community that I was looking at first doesn’t allow travelers convenience and culture as much as an urban one. It would not be challenging to find transportation and diversity when located in a city. I just checked and someone coming from the International Airport could get to our spot in 2 hours and 16 minutes… which isn’t terrible for public transportation. Well… since I travel to different destinations… I wouldn’t think this is terrible… hehe… I’d think it’s pretty awesome that it only takes two buses to get there. The first would stop downtown and I could walk around the city and check it out before hitting the second bus to the community. If they were to drive from the airport? 40 minutes without rush hour traffic…. Again doable. I’d like to have a vehicle available for guests alone with bikes and such for people to use. But anyway… I want this to be a safe space for people to come and enjoy themselves. I’ve been thinking about not being here all the time and knowing I don’t want vacant spots so of course I”m thinking of some type of airbnb opportunities to. I was thinking the living quarters I would be living in. And since I cannot help but include myself without my Aussie dream boat… it would be our living quarters we would rent out when we are not there. There are going to be housing where it will be designed for longer stays compared to temporary stays… so the temporary stays are for those workawayers, wwoofers, and Couchsurfer…. I don’t think I want to have airbnbers there. Most of this isn’t going to be paid to live there… but if I do want people to pay and stay…. Then I’d like to open it up to our space which is going to be a bit more isolated in a sense from the activities that are going on in the space. I mean everything is inclusive but this area does seem to be more private. I plan on designing this area would also be connected to my dads space… so if someone is going to be sharing a space with my pops… then hopefully having a nominal fee would selectively choose occupants to respect the space and the people involved in this community. In this home… it was a trainwreck which I did see pictures so I agree there was a lot of work to be done. And they did their best with the budget they allowed for the space. So I like the idea of keeping its roots. I’m going to keep the original home mostly like it is… I’m going to be changing the space so it’s handicap accessible however, and it’s a quirky design so I wanted to design it to be more useful. But there’s is quite a bit of land… I mean it’s not a ton, but it’s got ample land. I don’t know the foundational structure of the original house is… So I don’t know how much higher I could go on it’s foundation… but if I build around this home… I can know exactly about the foundation and I can go high and low. As I’m going high I’m also thinking that the roof of the original home will have to go and altered… Adding a complex around this home will alter the way we want the water to move around the space. I also feel like the original design has given opportunities to connect to the new foundation over the original house and make sure it’s still strong and possibly add more space to the second or third floor… hehe… I don’t know exactly how high the roof is and the construction… but it’s in my awareness to consider. I like to keep elements but I’m not opposed to removing elements as well. I love ecovillage designs where we can grow food and water harvesting… so even though I am going to be removing usable land space where buildings are going… I want to add land to alternative floors… I see these things are possible and I want to explore this more especially for urban designs. This is also why it’s become a three level design… I didn’t want to take over all the land… so having a smaller footprint on the land but also increasing interior space by going up. There’s definitely elevators and freight lifts… it’s a combination of commercial and residential. Obviously there’s stairs as well so we aren’t reliant on the elevators but this can all be considered in the planning phases. I really want to look at the water harvesting and storing properties… this is something I want to learn more of and I’d love to use permaculture ideas… I love the Earthships in many ways but also not in all ways… but I want to incorporate some ideas. That’s the thing as I design there are many areas that I know a little about but I”d love to go and collaborate with people who have far more experience than I do. I’d love to see the space have water purifying and recycling and collecting as much as possible. I’m not sure how I’m going to get the building code approvals from the designs I want to create.. but I think keeping the original house will help assist in this manner… so I’ll have what we already do and acceptable… but hope to convince them that we are trying to study and try approaches that were prior to modernity but also more innovative then modernity… hehe… As an example… I’m not sure I”m finished exploring this… but when I was designing a camper… there was camper that said they would be willing to custom their campers…and I took this literally… keeping it’s original design essence but also adding more to what I would like in my camper. It’s designed as a weekend camper but when I thought it was going to be my home then it lead to water storage. There’s empty space where it could become a storage tank… and the addition of a roof design where rainwater could be used to capture and more this water into these storage tanks and filter out the water… so anyway… having fresh water and a lot of it would be something I would want in my camper… hehe… mostly came from the desire to have a tub with me in my camper… hehe… having enough water to make a bath from time to time would be a desire I’d like to have… hehe… ok any way when it comes to the home design… the roof is designed to capture water and put them in gutters to downspouts back onto the ground which could have a barrel or something to capture… which is nice… but doesn’t look aesthetically pleasing to me and really it’s not that much water… plus the foundation in these areas don’t necessarily love all the excess water. So I was thinking about water storage on the top floor which runs under the floor. I guess I can try to explain that say we were in the shower and the water runs down the drain… what if we had a water storage container underneath the shower to capture the water? So when it rains or snows and becomes water… the floors have water containers that will store down the drains. Now it’s not going to be just a storage unit… so we don’t want the shower to flood once it’s full… like a clogged drain… but it will be attached to an entire system that is going to be constantly cycling through…so we aren’t going to be having stagnant water… there’s an underground water tables flowing… we’d have the same thing under the flooring. Ideally it would be gravity fed flow… but if we have to add some pumps here and there… then we will until we find solutions where it’s just natural. Some of the systems will be designed for black water, grey water, and rainwater… again… visiting the sewer plant in my hometown last time I was here… black water can get purified enough to be placed back into the rivers and creeks… so designing the system to be able to do this on the property. Again this is already being done… but I haven’t done it for myself and I’m sure more people might be interested in this process. But I cannot help but think of aesthetically pleasing environments as well… so placing the large storage system under a floor seems more appealing to me… hehe… but I also want to be able to access these areas in case something needs to repaired or improved… so considering this will be important more than the aesthics at times… and even though things might be more unseen or hidden… I definitely want to teach so there are going to be spaces to take people to so they can see how the system is working. I thought about most of the basement level of this complex could show a lot of the system especially under the backyard… hehe… oh geesh. I have a picture of the state of the backyard earlier this year. It was struggling… that’s also another reason I love this property… I want to love this land… it’s been neglected for a while now… the owner allowed her son and partner to live there and they just didn’t care much about it. So it can use a bit of tender loving care… and also a reason why it won’t make me feel bad when I dig most of it up… hehe. It wasn’t in the best shape in the first place… but I also want to experience how to shape land. Again… shaping it in a smaller scale compared to the large land that I want to shape in the future. I’m going to building spaces underground so I’ll have excess dirt to place somewhere… so shaping the land would be awesome… and if there’s more to use… I’m down for rammed earth walls in areas too. I’m not sure what the structural strength of rammed earth but parts of the backyard won’t have tons of weight on top of it… so I think it would be cool to have rammed earth walls in these spaces instead of materials like concrete… I’m not sure what the flooring would be.. but I’d like to see how it feels underground in rammed earth walls which would be how it is but different… i haven’t put much thought into this idea… it just came up while I was typing but something I’m going to consider…. So… what activities do I see in this community design? I’ve always thought about having a creative center… I want to have spaces that I enjoy…hehe… and open this up to people to use if they are interested in these same activities… and if it’s something people might think is something they might like… they can try it again in a safe space to learn. So even though I love many things… I also have to limit the activities because I do love going into other spaces to learn… so I have to continuously remind myself of this… I’m going back and forth about a kiln…hehe… I’d love this but I don’t have much experience… but I’ve been following an IG account in South America and they make specifically musical instruments out of clay and there kilns are fairly simple… so I feel like it doesn’t have to be something large… something simple but meaningful I feel for myself… geesh… I cannot help but thinking of more and more ideas that I hadn’t explored until I’m writing about it… so damn it… that’s going into the design too.. I’ve been wanting to make a cob oven and see if I can heat the floors by using the heat… so why not add this into the design… if I know it’s something I want to explore… if I have it in consideration in the planning phase then I can implement it instead of waiting for me to wish I would’ve thought of it before… hehe… ok anyway areas I already have is of course an art studio which will share space with a sewing studio. I have a dance studio which will share space with a music studio. I think about the Australian and I remember he liked to exercise and one of the activities was a martial arts style. So I want this space to be able to transform into a gym. I’m not sure I’m really into the gym equipment… but physical activities… so being able to transform the space by adding mats on the floor and the walls. I’m designing this and there’s something that keeps triggering in my mind… I feel like I’m forgetting about the kiddos. I love kiddos… and I know I want to think of them in this design… I also am thinking about animals in this space… I am trying to incorporate as many community members as I can at this time. I know that I’ve been considering handicap accessibility… but I also want to think about the hearing impaired and visual impaired… this would be great to create complex spaces that enhances our senses as in many ways as possible. Adding more considerations of the possible community members allows me to expand the depth of design that will be in play. I mean I put in a zen garden sanctuary in the design because again the Aussie man… I want to implement aspects he would enjoy as well… along with a large library… and herbal garden… but let’s take the zen garden which will have sand, right… I have a cat who is going to be exploring this space… sand for a cat will lead to disaster… hehe… so I’m thinking about enclosing this space so this space won’t be accessible to Elvis. There’s no way I want him to be using the restroom in this sanctuary… but I also see so many benefits of having sand. I’ve been looking into zen garden symbolism and seeing symbols he’s used… I think I want to add these symbols here and throughout… Buddhist symbolism is much more acceptable than shamanism… hehe… and so I’d love to incorporate these… I enjoy symbolism in many forms. I’m sure I’m going to be incorporating symbolism in many cultures anyway… I love eclectic and diversity! But anyway… the circular doors into the zen garden sanctuary will have actual doors to enclose this space… I know how intelligent how cats are… so I’m going to have to think about a retractable roof as well in this space… not only for rain protection.. but for my little buddy in particular… hehe… I have to train him much more than I have by the way. He’s a spoiled little brat who gets away with many many things… and so I realize I want to help him more and be a little more strict on some of his behaviors. The thing going on right now is there are outside cats that come onto the porch and he sits there pawing at the window. I’ve have to continuously go into the living room and tell him no and grab him off the table and the window and just keep doing this over and over again. He’s getting the idea but he also has a behavior to break. I know he doesn’t have much stimulation in this space so he’s bored… and I’m hoping that this little zen garden would be at the back of his mind because there’s going to be so much more stimulation to not have him want to be in this space. I also want to put a waterfall aspect in here so again will allow less time for him to be in this space because of the sound… and bells hanging on the tree… again factors to enhance the space for human occupants… but for a cat? He’s hopefully… ok there’s so many more options to play and relax somewhere other than this space. Honestly I haven’t given up on him using the bathroom in a toilet still… hehe… it was working when we tried it… it just wasn’t a stable location to keep going… but he was figuring it out. I love him so much… I can’t wait to design a space that he’s going to be able to go inside and outside and I’ll feel confident he’ll enjoy himself and he won’t get into positions that might harm him. I don’t think I’m going to make a fortress or anything so he’ll be able to go out of this space… but I’m hoping he’ll have plenty of opportunities to find safe spaces to want to stay in the space… but honestly I want to socialize him a bit more too. I’d love for him to enjoy human engagements more less stranger danger mentality… hehe… I want to introduce my pops to this as well. It was funny when I was thinking of his space… I became much more fantastical because he has such whimsy in his designs… I’d love to create a more open space for my dad to design and build things he wants to do… he’s so creative and I’d love to see what he thinks of. Giving him the space and opportunity… he’ll be able to expand his creativity. It’s going to be hard to get him away from his house right now… he has created his own little world here… but I’m hoping that our space will be a bit more appealing for him. I’m trying to think of all his areas he’s drawn to… but allowing the opportunity for him to expand his creativity by immersing into different activities and people. I want a large kitchen for him to cook… but also this will be a shared space for me and my Aussie…who also likes to cook… I like to cook as well and so I hope to make a nice kitchen for us all to enjoy. I’m already thinking of two kitchens… I guess standard kitchens not including the outdoor grill spaces. I’m not sure if that’s all but for now… that’s what I”m thinking… again some of these areas will be more on the private side… my pops kitchen… will be more on the private side… there’s a decent kitchen already in the original home which I feel would be good enough for all the temporary residences. This is leading to my hometown girl friend… I keep thinking about her and her situation. She’s the one who is labeled as fully disabled when she was an addict. Through this addiction she triggered epilepsy which gained her this status. She’s absolutely darling and such a big heart… but most of all… has been completely supportive of me and my transitions in life. I’d love to have her in consideration as more of a permanent resident here. This would also include at least one dog… Luna… she’s adorable and I love her too… her daughter has a dog who is my friend’s dog too… I’m still exploring if she’s willing to leave Arnie with her daughter… and it’s something she can consider but isn’t fully on board. I haven’t thought of this but there are two bedrooms in the original home… I thought of just asking my friend to come… but maybe I need to be asking her daughter and her boyfriend to come too? Maybe they can have the second room? They are bright and loving youths as well… and I know my girl friend would be much more comfortable with her family with her. I thought they might want to be on their own and so I thought they could stay at the home my friend lives in… learn how it feels to be on their own… but they work hard and why not make it easier for them to thrive? Opening their doors to opportunities and less concern for financial concerns… can allow them to thrive far more sooner than struggling for years. They’re more on the partying side… I mean they’re young twenties… that’s the only concern I have right now… I don’t want this space to be a party as in drinking and marijuana… I’m not sure how I feel about this right now… in my ideal version… there’s going to be so many opportunities to get into the creative flow and zone that this won’t be necessary… but how flexible am I willing to be? Hehe… I’m sure I can find a solution… they are far more worthy than this… hmmm… why not… I can consider this… this might be much more appealing for my girl friend too… and I’m hoping to show her opportunities that she doesn’t think is possible. And having her love and support has been so beneficial for me and I’m so extremely grateful for having her around. She’s been the one who is allowing me to take baths right now… hehe… it’s important for me right now… and again I’m super grateful… but when I reunited with her and told her who I am now… it was her response that really struck me… how much she loves and trusts me and it doesn’t matter what I was telling her I was able to be completely vulnerable and honest and express myself fully… she and my dad have been the only ones who I’ve been able to communicate in this manner without doubt and uncertainty from them in me. It really is something I want to show how much I appreciate. Saying thank you isn’t going to cut it for me… I want to show it in a much grander gesture. I’m not sure my dad or her is able to receive my love fully yet… but the design is going to be designed for them if they wish to join me. I cannot wait to see them thrive and see what they want to create in this world. I’m also hoping that they don’t want to stay here permanently either… hehe… eventually I’d love for them to go and create wherever they want to. But even if it’s going on vacation… I’d like them to see more potential in themselves and in this Reality. This might lead to my movie marathon with my pops yesterday… hehe… my dad once in awhile goes on Tuesday matinee where he watches three movies at a time with a large refillable popcorn and drink for around $20-25… so he asked me to go with him to watch Moana 2… I was planning on going to my drum circle at 7 which takes about an hour to drive to. As long as the timing works I’ll join him. I asked him what all movies he was going to… so I joined him for two movies… Gladiator 2 and Moana 2. I understand I get in an obsessive mode when I’m designing so finding opportunities to enjoy away from this is something I like to do so I can get a break. So… within the first ten minutes of Moana I found myself tearing up… it surprised me and it became apparent to me of how much I miss my family. Specifically I was thinking of my brother and sister here in Indiana. It also made me sad about the relationship I have with my mom’s side which are Samoan… which Moana is as well… but I didn’t really get that type of community like they were showing… I feel like when I was there as a child until I was five it was probably like this… but when I returned at 15 it didn’t feel like this… it felt like I was an outsider… it could have just been my state of mind… but I also think it was my families state of mind too. I feel like being raised there as a child really did affect my psyche. I was being trained to be the princess of the village… one of the caretakers of the the entire village. I was by my grandfather the chief of the village watching and observing of how we are to serve the community. I”m not sure if any of my family remembers this of me. I was given this title before my aunt was given this title. She was given this title after the divorce when I moved with my dad in Indiana. If they do remember this they might not like the fact that I don’t live in the village. I guess what I love about Reality is… I would’ve loved to have this role… this is something I would love to do but Reality had me understand that my community is more expansive than a village and one culture. I absolutely adore the village life… it definitely feels like home when I find myself in a village… but that’s any rural village… I know another community I’m going to be designing is the village along the Ucayali River… I know I’m going to be building there.. and would love this as another home. But it will need a different design… I realize this and I want to learn more about water harvesting designs before attempting their design. It’s the Amazon rainforest… there’s a lot of water and I’d like to learn how to work with it. Honestly it’s far easier to learn in an area that is more comfortable and less in survivor mindsets because of the environment. But I will learn and I will proceed in the design of this community… but I want to learn more through experience before this attempt. My main shaman’s family is missing me and I’m missing them too… but it’s hard for me to explain how what I’m doing is eventually going to benefit them… us… I’m not forgetting about them… they’re family and there’s no way I can forget them. And that brings me back to Moana. She has a little sister and once she came into the story… tears came streaming down my cheeks. I have a sister that recently moved to Indiana with her boyfriend… my dad is trying to get me more involved with family gatherings but they aren’t ready to include me back into their lives. He spoke with my sister and asked her what did I ever do to her for her not to want me in her life? She said it was how I treated her as a child. My first response was she’s judging me for an immature child… who was clueless… but another part of me is like.. I absolutely adored her! We didn’t live in the same house but when we had the opportunities to be with her… we all adored her and wanted to spend as much time as we could with her. But I also had a temper back then. I remember a few times I would be intense… I can’t remember every situations but it definitely was far and few… and it was always in a long term conversation. Something I was hoping she would find important to consider for her future self… I was serious and intense at times and I’m sure it scared her at times too. But by no means did I ever harm her. I did put her in a situation where she was harmed which still haunts me. I took her to a friends place who had an akita dog and the dog ended up biting her in the face and she has a scar on her face to remind her of how her sister took her into a place that scarred her for life. I didn’t have a clue the dog would do this. I played with this dog many times before… it was like a second home to me… and I believe it was the first time the dog bit anyone. It eventually bit me in the shoulder later and they put the dog down afterwards. But maybe she holds this against me too… and I understand to a degree… but I can’t believe it takes over and surpasses all the love I had for her. The last time we spent time together when we were still talking… I had a party of girl friends in Indy… and at the time i was drinking… and I remember her mom came up with my girl friends and I was talking badly about her. I still had hold ups of how I was treated and how abusive she was at times with me. I didn’t consider who I was talking to also included my sister and I was talking about her mom in this manner. But she wasn’t treated the same way I was. She was her blood and I wasn’t… but honestly her mom is far closer than we are now. She started an IG account so she can see what I’ve been doing. It’s nice to see that she cares what I’m doing in life. Anyway…I love her and I’m willing to wait to have a relationship with her. She doesn’t know who I am now but I also don’t know her either because of the distance. I watch her IG as well to get a glimpse of her life and her posts to get an idea of her personality. But I also trust our relationship will build again but that time isn’t now… and I”m ok with this too. My brother is another bag I cannot explain. It was the three musketeers growing up… I cannot believe how much influence his wife has had on him and our relationship. I’ve gotten several messages about him and working together… but again… I’m willing to wait. But I am also looking forward for this to arise back into our Reality and getting a chance to get to know them more as who they are currently. I can’t help but have a strong feeling how much my dad and brother will love this Aussie man I love. They’ve got so many similarities that they’ll just mesh so well together. They haven’t met him yet, but once they do.. everyone will understand why I’m waiting for the best. Ha… I even spoke to my dad about him… I asked him how he will feel if he meets the Ozzie? I know he can hold grudges on people… does he hold a grudge on him since he hasn’t given me a chance? My dad knows who I am and I’m sure he can’t believe someone wouldn’t just fall in love with me right away… since this Ozzie man hasn’t fallen for me… something must be wrong with him… hehe… but I told him… what if he does come into my life? He said he’d be open to him… he’d just need time to get to know him outside of what I’ve said. I explain to my dad how people are working on themselves… and it takes time… and what I”m looking for in a romantic relationship is strong and deep… so there’s more work to do… when we reunite… the Aussie man will be meeting a newer, healthier and authentic version of myself… and in return… I will be meeting him as a newer, healthier, and more authentic version as well. I cannot wait to be with this man… I cannot wait to observe him! I cannot wait to observe myself too… hehe… For some reason… I think I”m going to approach him in a much more traditional way. Traditional and unconventional mix really… It’s challenging for me to not be unconventional… that’s just who I am and I’m happy with this… but I can be traditional as well. Thankfully I had these few occasions these past two months because I understood how I want to approach our relationship. I want to go at a slow burn… I mean I have to be honest… he’s extremely sexy and attractive and it’s not like I don’t think about the bedroom play we’d have together… but I saw that I have to get to know someone and spend time with someone for me to even be authentic in the bedroom. I’ve mostly known him from memory and visions and small conversations… we’ve been doing this for seven years… but this doesn’t mean I really know who he is now. And that’s what I really want.. to observe and experience this current version of him. Just like I observe anyone else in my life… I want to see how he behaves in multiple settings and situations… quality time is the main love language right now when it comes to romance. I understand touch is up there… but touch doesn’t mean intercourse… I cannot wait to wrap my arms around him and to feel his arms around me… I cannot wait to hold one another. I mean looking at him will be so satisfying but to be held by his massive arms… oh my god and holding my body next to his… Jesus! I cannot wait but I can as well. I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube videos on permaculture and aquatic gardens and funny many of them are from Australia… and so hearing him talk will be so satisfying as well. And I remember how attracted I was to his intelligence… I cannot wait to just listen to what ideas he has and the knowledge he has whether from direct experience or theory… I’ll still enjoy.. hehe. This also leads to another insight I gained since returning to Indiana and the romantic thing. Well it started off with feeling like I found a safe space. I’m was assuming that factors outside of me was triggering me to be more authentic. I thought I was finding a community and a potential partner that gave me the safe space to be more authentic… but that’s not really the case. I’m growing in this within myself. I”m ready to be more authentic and expressive… I’m exhausted by not allowing myself to be this way… it’s draining to not be this way. So Reality was giving me what I needed to notice this in myself… even when I was with this hostel’s founder… I found that I couldn’t stop but being completely vulnerable even when it was terrifying at times… I found I wasn’t stopping regardless of how I think I should have been able to… At the time I was hoping I was meeting a potential romantic partner.. so I realized how I will be behaving with the Aussie… he’s going to be triggering me to grow far more expansive than I would expect. I don’t want to hide regardless of any conditioning I still might hold… I won’t be able to while in his presence. And I don’t want to fucking hold back… and I’m glad my body is incapable of doing this now… I want to be completely raw but my raw still has curved edges… it’s not jagged and sharp… it’s a graceful rawness regardless of how vulnerable I am. I understand how I was trying to sabotage myself… so I can understand when people do this towards me too. I recognize that I’m no longer wanting to sabotage myself. I”m worthy to exist and be as authentic to who I am and cannot wait to see my evolution as my authenticity matures as well. I’m worthy of romantic love as well… and I’m ready to step into this… and I’ll wait for my romantic lover to feel worthy of this too! I can wait because when this happens will be at the perfect time… not only for myself or us, but the entire universe ok… I’m getting sleepy and I want to rest… until next time… enjoy! P.S… hehe… I’ll go ahead and share the design I have so far… but realize this will definitely continue to morph and it’s not cleaned up either… as I’m designing I know what I’m designing so I don’t always have all the background said in a planning design… it’ll get there though… and I’m ok with however long that will take even if this isn’t the specific location… it’s the direction I’m being guided towards. P.S.S hehe… I had a feeling I might lose what I wrote when I did the attachments so I copied and pasted on my notes… good thing because I went to screenshot my project which also didn’t save my current design… it had to revert to the last saved one but I’m not about to do it to what I had… I’ll just share the one it saved… probably files getting to large for the cloud.. hehe… I also had to cover the address for the Google earth pic of property… but anyway when I returned this site only saved a paragraph so I pasted the whole thing and added this. Ok good night

Good morning… I’m feeling much better now… I was exhausted and overwhelmed with mental masturbation… and much much better now. I’m not upset about the situation.. I’m not mad at the universe… I see what it’s been trying to tell me and I’m ok with this.. because this is only going to help me elevate. I am transforming and regardless of how it happens… it’s the best for me and it was in the manner that I would understand and able to expand from it. So… what am I feeling right now and how do I explain it? I guess I can start with those two questions I said near the end of my last entry… What do I really want? And what do I really deserve? These are great questions… but honestly this isn’t how I approach questions anymore… when I am in a situation… it’s not just about myself physically… I consider the collective as myself… so the question should be what do we really want? And what do we really deserve? So obviously I’m going to be using this example for my explanation. What do we really want? To be loved and accepted and seen…. These two are amazing people and it doesn’t matter about the age thing for me. I adore them both regardless if they’re working on some pent up trauma… this is absolutely fine with me and it’s expected at this time. What am I really thinking that I’m going to be running into Enlightened people everywhere I go? Not right now… and so of course there’s going to be some work needed to be done. They are both brilliant and fun and loving… and no matter what… I love them both regardless of anything… I’m not running away from them… I am however walking away for the time being… to actually allow them to have their time alone together. In my opinion… I feel like they don’t need to be separating… the love that I feel from them… again should be expressed and not be secret. But I wanted to tell them this but I didn’t end up speaking to them about it… they didn’t want to hear any suggestions that I had… and over explaining things isn’t what’s always the best thing for the situation. I left them clues and hints… They thought they had to keep things secret because of the age thing… I’m assuming… I knew about it and for a day they were able to not have to put on a show in front of someone and was able to just be… but they were still unable to communicate with the person who found them out and wasn’t comfortable to hear what the opinion was. It’s ok… I look at both of them before I knew they were in a relationship as people I’d like to share ceremony with and potentially apart of my Enlightenment projects. This does not change things… it actually feels like they should be a part of it even more. Because to go through this process… we have to overcome shame, guilt, and embarrassment…. Be able to accept being transparent, embody integrity, increase our acceptance and embody unconditional love. It’s not the easier thing to do and it’s going to be quite easy to just run away from the situation… I mean I had thoughts of total scrapping my idea of staying here for a year and start to think where am I going to go now. I don’t want to go to Hawaii… and I cannot help myself but I even thought I wanted to sweep in to Sydney and see the Ozzie guy again, but we need time to mature and it’s not the right time right now. And so what… that’s ok… I’ve been bumping into several opportunities… and these opportunities are things that I’ve been wanting to attract in my life so I can just do this… and let things settle down. My body wasn’t manipulating me… it was honestly expressing something that wants to be explored… and it was my developing mind that wanted to manipulate the situation because of human conditioning. I understand this but it still gets a bit frustrating… but it wasn’t too bad. I noticed I still had the tendency to want to overreact and respond emotionally and I observed that I was handling it way better than I would have in the past. He had been expressing himself to me and I wasn’t listening either. He needed time and space and giving him two weeks break at a time wasn’t enough space and time for him… and I continued to come and visit with him because I want to build a bond… I was curious about him and want to see what the hell my body was talking about. I’m glad I went through this though… I saw things that he felt like he had to hide from me. And I wish he was not at the point of hiding still, but it’s where it’s at… and I’m ok with this… and I hope he understands that I am. Because I left without saying much he probably thinks that I have given up on him. And I guess I want him to go through those feelings as well. I want him to process over his mind… and I hope he can remember how I was behaving through it all and that I wasn’t trying to make him feel guilty. I didn’t even make it seem like we had a relationship either… I don’t know if she knows that we were starting something… and that’s why he kept me secret. I really think he cares about us both but he underestimated how we would respond if we both knew he cares for us both. Again which is confusing because he’s openly polyamorous. I did see her as my sister… even though she struggles for me to want to care for her… doesn’t stop me from caring for her. I’m not competing with her. I already mentioned this… her love is what he needs right now too… and I’m happy he has her to be able to love him in this manner at this time. And I hope it’s not temporary. I hope they continue to build a stronger relationship beyond this moment. Again I wanted to express this to them, but I felt it would not be received… I wasn’t on the level of trust and acceptance from either of them. And yes I’m ok with this too. I do hope that small token of a pillow will help them understand the love I share for both of them. I did put a lot of effort and time because I wanted to and I enjoyed it. The gift was from both of us… but I knew she would appreciate it now because it was mostly from him… but I hope she understands that I can love her too and we don’t have to limit our love. He doesn’t have to limit his love either. I already expressed… I love the Aussie and there’s nothing I can do to stop that…. That’s love… it’s there and I realize this… but the our timing is not now… and I’m realizing my love is not limited to only him either. I have the capacity to have an expansive love. I love and am attracted to many… but I also am getting a better understanding of when I’m romantically attracted and in love in this manner compared to sisterly or brotherly or motherly or fatherly or friendship… I think we get the point… I too am not ready to have the love from the Ozzie… but it seems like I am ready for the love I can share with the founder. My capacity is growing but it will always grown and I know it’s coming but I’ve got things to work on. And I’m ok with this too and I can accept this at this time. What do we really deserve? Also to be loved, accepted, and seen again… we deserve this… and we are working on this. We don’t have to have all the solutions right now… we need time and space to realize this in each and everyone of us… it’s going to be at each individual’s pace and honestly when we realize this it’s going to be exactly perfect for the collective as well… that’s how perfection goes. I keep hearing the song breakdown… I don’t care if you love me…. I don’t care if you don't… I’m not afraid of you running away honey… I get the feeling you won’t….. I hope he remembers that I was moved by him… and I was singing a song of understanding to breakdown to fully surrender to love is challenging…. But I’m ready for this… I trust that I’m not afraid of running away and I have a feeling I wont…. But doesn’t mean that it wasn’t there… but it’s not who I am anymore. I don’t know where he is… but I hope he gets to that point of not being afraid and doesn’t want to run away either… if he truly wants an expansive spiritual love… he does have this with me… but I’m not going to force him to realize this… he’s going to have to find this for himself. He has to understand that he deserves this for himself. And when he realizes this… then we can start to take the steps necessary to explore the terrain of uncertainty… beyond our mind’s games of fear… i feel it’s going to be far better than what our mind assumes… I feel like it’s going to be far easier as well… but we don’t understand and realize this through our thoughts… it’s through our experiences. I did get a message that “He believes you” and I don’t know which “he” the message was about… and why does it have to be one? Maybe they both realize this… and I already was thinking how challenging it would be to have a partner expressing their true nature of living and sharing the Enlightened path… That has to be a lot to take on… and what if they’re not ready to take it on… can I be ok with this? I can… even though I wish they were ready doesn’t mean it is so. But he believes you doesn’t mean he knows the steps to take to walk into this path. Doesn’t mean I know the steps either. All I have is the trust and love from the universe that everything is playing out exactly as it should. And right now I’m by myself and I want to explore the opportunities that I find myself in. I got a message from my ex today who’s the dj… he works construction and said I can pick up some extra cash by helping clean a home they were remodeling. I told him I’m available and thanked him for thinking of me. And I told him I’m hoping to go to the jam session tonight that starts at 4… he said he’ll get a hold of me in an hour and so I’m waiting to hear back from him. If it works out… I’d love for him to join me at the jam session… I think he would love it and be able to contribute in a positive way. He’s been trying to get me to sing vocals with him.. but I don’t think he’s gotten any lyrics down but he just posted that he’s trying to find people to collaborate with on his music. And so again… I’ve got opportunities knocking and calling… I can put my energy towards this… I don’t need to put my mental energy onto how can I get him to realize the love I already know I have for him… I don’t know we he needs to do, but I trust he does. He’s extremely intuitive… and he’s the universe himself so I trust he’ll figure it out and we’ll reconvene when it’s time to. Right now… he needs to spend time with her and I hope they realize this doesn’t have to actually be the end for them. So I’m going to go back to the my friend on Thursday. The founder messaged a group text about trying to find her a place to stay in Indy while she was working… most of the days he had her a location to stay except for Thursday. I feel like I might have written this already but I guess I’m going to repeat myself. I thought about my buddy who is on house arrest that I met and I’ve been wanting to go and visit with. I asked him if he’d be willing to host her and he was. As I was communicating… I was also realizing that nothing was stopping me from joining them… So that’s what I did… I went to hangout with him and I picked her up and we spent the night at my buddy’s house. We ran some errands, made some dinner, and had conversations. She was exhausted working so she went to sleep fairly early compared to us. And I do want to mention that she’s can be very nurturing for me too. She sees how much effort I put into my life and wants to constantly remind myself to take care with rest and eating. She and I have similarities that I recognize… and I know she realizes this too. She found out that she didn’t actually have to work on Friday… oh wait… I think I have the days wrong… it’s Wednesday that we spent the night together and she didn’t have to work Thursday or Friday… so yeah I was trying to see if I could just bring her down to the hostel with me on Friday morning. But the founder had already planned to pick her up on Thursday and it didn’t matter how many times I suggested to help her was admit to picking her up himself… again at this time I didn’t realize he wants as much time as he can get with her. They’ve created that bond and he wants to care and protect her as much as possible. We haven’t developed that bond however so there’s distance and space in our trust of one another. But anyway… before he responded I wanted to run errands too. And while I was running errands I realized that I wanted to share ceremony with my buddy instead of having her around anyway. So I knew she was being picked up and I’d have the night alone with my buddy who I hoped was ready for ceremony. He’s an amazing guy… yeah he has a crush on me and I was telling him that I’m in the middle of building a relationship with the founder and am not looking for anyone else at the moment… but I don’t think it sunk in and that’s again normal and i guess I have more patience with everyone. But I was hoping to get to the trifecta… I’ve been missing Aya and getting to the trifecta would have gotten me to be with Aya and I was excited for this… and we spoke about it and everyone was getting excited… but we started ceremony a couple of hours after we ate dinner. I was clearing out his space and normally I explain everything I’m doing when I share ceremony but I found myself not doing this… I realize later that I did end up telling him during ceremony… and so I know I need to continue doing this. We started to do our bodily cleanse with snuff and tobacco… with the rapee we snuff this up and he said he’s very familiar with this because he has had a relationship with cocaine… but I saw that he wasn’t taking preparation as seriously as I was. I was taking my time… I had clogged sinuses and so I continued to repeat the process until my nasal passages were clear. I was doing this and I noticed he was observing how diligent I am with this process but he wasn’t doing the same thing… I was thinking how do I get him to do more… and finally I have two rapees and so I asked him to try the second one. It was noticeable that he still had mucus but again this wasn’t something he was familiar with and so he just did it the once and didn’t do anymore and I continued to take my time until I felt ready to begin. I have had the feeling that I wanted to try being the first to take the Bufo instead of being the last… I was hoping that I could guide the session better this way. I tried this the last time I was with my buddy in Colorado… and I noticed that I was still able to help people take the Bufo… but what I noticed this time… was if they aren’t ready to surrender then I can take more than I need to… I want to explain verbally… but I also want to demonstrate it so they can watch me…and when I do this… I go in fully and I hope they too will go in fully… but that’s not the case…hehe… as much as I want it to be the case. I realized that I was in it… and he was struggling to get in it… and I couldn’t stop being in it as easily. But I did find myself stopping. I found myself wanting to work on his energy body and his physical body. I started on his left foot and was making my way up his leg when he stopped me and asked if he could do more. By the way… he wasn’t listening to how to smoke it… again he feels like he’s experienced with psychedelics and so he doesn’t really need to tell him what to do… but I went through a lot of Bufo and he still didn’t go in… it was as if he was just blowing it out right away or holding it in without actually taking it in and holding. I even tried to give him a shot gun… but didn’t see him inhale just hold the smoke in his mouth… he wasn’t ready to surrender… we tried one more time… and that’s when I stopped my session. I wanted to work but there was a wall of resistance up and it’s ok to just be in a state not quite in but relaxed. He wasn’t really truly relaxed just a degree of it. He didn’t melt…. There was tension still held in his body… there were many signs and I could see this and again I’m too hopeful people are more ready than they actually are. We spoke a lot and got to asking questions about building apps and such… he has his degree in biology interest in genealogy… and it was great information but a language that was foreign to me so only snippets were getting through. After our conversation actually during our conversation I could feel my eyes getting heavy. I told him we are not going to continue. And he said he feels like I blue-balled him on the DMT…. And I said I don’t mind if he takes some with him upstairs to his bedroom… but I’m going to go to sleep and I’m closing the ceremony session. I don’t mind if he goes on… I’m just not joining him. He didn’t want to do it without me. And I explained that I get messages… i was stopped in doing my work during Bufo… I was going through a ton of it to try to get you to go in and it didn’t work… so I’m thinking…. Why go on… when people don’t surrender to Bufo… I don’t know why we would go into DMT or changa when trust and surrender wasn’t present. There was tension still held in the body and I wasn’t able to release this from him because he didn’t want to trust me enough to do this for him. So no i didn’t want to continue… and he was upset… but I also knew he would have a tendency to want to make this a recreational event instead of a spiritual one. Of course everything is spiritual but I have to see things from the perspective of the ones I’m with having to categorize things as something different from one another for understanding. We’ve been talking since then and he really wants to do it again… and I told him that when the time arrives we’ll try it again.. but it’s ok to have space and time to work things out. He’s not immoderately going to trust me and the ceremony…. So allow the time and space for this to occur. There’s no rush and I am patient. Patience has been a huge lesson for me and I’m seeing my behavior is embodiment this more even though I still also see the struggle to accept this in me still… but it’s getting better. He did give me a vape pen for tobacco. I went to his dad’s nursing home to get his 67” television for him and he was appreciative and so I did accept his vape offer. He suggested it the day before and I dismissed it… but while running my errands I realized I didn’t have to dismiss it so suddenly… I’ve been wanting to approach my relationship with tobacco differently and I don’t want to stink like tobacco all the time and so I do want to give it a chance. See how it works for me. Our mutual friend who introduced us who I went on that haunted house date thing with sent me a video about tobacco… specifically nicotine and I mentioned a few things to him and her while we were spending the night together. And they thought I was full of shit and so they had Alexa fact check me. It was a simple thing telling them there’s several fruits and vegetables that have nicotine in them… and I said even tomatoes have nicotine and they fact checked me and was surprised when tomatoes do actually have nicotine in them…hehe… I didn’t even fact check myself when I heard the information… I just know how important tobacco has been for me in this journey… and maybe it’s the nicotine. I’m open and I’m sure more will come out of it. So I asked him what the hell is in these vapes anyway. I asked about the nicotine and he said it’s like 5% and then I asked well what’s the other 95% with a giggle but also with curiosity… what the hell else is in there to be smoking… I don't’ even know what he said… but that’s usually more addictive then the nicotine. I mean I’m not addicted to tomatoes… hehe… anyway… I’ve had it and I find myself using it a lot. So I’m going to continue to observe my relationship with this. I do like they convince of smoking this without having to go outside. And it really does taste good and smell good… so I’m afraid it’s going to be more addictive then smoking my pipe. But I can’t make changes without trying new approaches so I’ll continue to see how it goes. I think I got out what I wanted to get out for today. My buddy should be getting a hold of me soon. I didn’t get to some of the ideas I’ve been having about water and transportation and energy harvesting… but I’ll get there when it’s time… I have more time and space needed to explore it I guess before speaking about it. But for now I feel good… and I want to love on my little buddy as he’s resting beside me. Until next time folks… enjoy and continue to deepen our love for ourselves

=ell shit… so my dream was accurate and it was confirmed this weekend. I’m exhausted and I’m back at my pops place. So… yeah me and the universe is in a little argument right now… why in the hell am I being placed into these situations? Why is my trauma now attracting people who are off? Technically he’s just not developed and has a shadow that has been growing that he’s been ignoring to heal. But what the fuck? Seriously I want to vent like a human real quick…. She’s barely over 18 and he’s 45… he’s charismatic, charming, and confident. So he’s going to be able to be a predator… I really think it’s a sexual addiction for power. Why was my body reacting in that manner towards him… is my body still affected by toxicity? Because it was absolutely crazy… this weekend when I went to hug him for the first time to say hello it also said a noise and a rub that seemed a bit more friendly than a friend… and he noticed and i noticed… I was like what the fuck? Shit… so I’m sabotaging myself to this connection because I’m assuming I’m terrified to get close to anyone romantically… so I’m questioning myself. I went down there because the young lady is getting her car together to drive to North Carolina soon…. I had pillows for her and we spent the night together on Thursday in Indy and we went shopping at the outlet… she picked up some more items… so I was bringing her her things and yeah I wanted to hangout and get some time to spend with everyone. And so I assumed that everyone was doing the same things such as morning meetings and such so I got there early enough for that and it was quiet. I didn’t go into the rooms but I ended up putting on the fire and crashed on the couch. When I woke I noticed the young lady was not there and was trying to see where she was by reaching out. She was with the founder at his house and they were going to be there soon. And when they arrived things were pretty normal. She and I got her stuff and situated her car together on how she was going to be able to sleep in there. All the pillows were perfect to fit inside to make her comfortable. I was super happy and she has all these different fabrics and was deciding where she was going to place things. There was a piece of fabric that I brought for her and she wanted to cover a pillow and so I asked her if I could do that for her. She’s strong headed and doesn’t want any help… but she said yes and so that got me excited. I wanted to make it really nice for her and hopefully show her that I’ve got the skills to help her with her car. So I went inside to work on it. The founder wasn’t really talkative to me… it was as if he was avoiding me… and I thought it was because I said I only wanted to be friends and not have a romantic relationship… but it was a bit unusual but I don’t know him well so who knows who he really is. But I did talk to him a little about the pillow I was making… I already had a good start but I said I wanted to personalize it for her… whether I put her initials on it or if I put the hostel name on it… and he had a glimmer in his eye… and it seemed he would love if I put his hostel name on the pillow for her to remember her time here. He’s been doing so much to help her out… and I knew he cared for her deeply and so I decided I’d make it really nice for her and that it would be a present from him too. Wait a minute… I did have some dreams when I first arrived that I’m going to mention… First of all in my sleep it felt like they were there with me in the room… I thought she had grabbed my toe to mess around with me. And in my dream I woke up to speak with them and everyone was friendly and happy…. But I wasn’t awake. And later I started to have a dream that he was talking on the phone and he was getting really angry… and there was a girl who I didn’t recognize telling me he gets this way sometimes… and I asked her who he was talking to but I don’t remember what she said but I woke up at this time. I remember talking to the young lady with her car and her mentioning to me that he has a bad temper too. But of course I don’t see that when I’m with him… he’s calm and kind to the outside world. I wanted to mention this because trying to go in a timeline… but this will be brought up later. So back to deciding I’d make the pillow for her from the both of us. She and I have had a slow start to our relationship. She didn’t trust me which isn’t unusual with the people who are currently there… but we did build a relationship and each time she opens more and more. I told her that I looked at her as a sister figure. She’s not the happiest of people… hehe… and she’s skeptical and blunt about things… but some comments she said to me that stand out… was when dealing with the car that she said that she likes that I’m getting excited but this has nothing to do with me. I said well I’m excited for you… and I care for you so I’m happy you’re happy. I didn’t tell her but I went solo and it’s challenging but very rewarding… and she’s doing this at such a young age… I hope she gets as much benefits that I have by traveling solo. So yeah… I want to help her car be as comfy and cozy as possible so she can be calm in her travels. And doing the pillow was like an upholstery project which I’d love to learn more about. She also mentioned how long I was taking to make the pillow and how unnecessary it is. And I told her that I really enjoy what I’m doing and the time it’s taking is not bothering me because it’s something I want to do for her. I said even if you don’t think you’re worth this much time, but I feel you are. She doesn’t like it when I’m being open about my affection towards her and she ended up interrupting me when I was trying to tell her that it’s ok for people to want to share their love with her in many forms and this is one of the ways I want to show her… she interrupted me and then abruptly wanted to talk about the fire… and i said no firmly and said I don’t want to hear what you’re going to talk about right now. And she asked why… I said you dismiss me this isn’t the first time you dismiss me interrupt me, and talk over me. Right now… I don’t want to hear whatever you have to say. She said she interrupted because she thought we were going to get into an argument… and I said I was trying to express how much I care about you? How is that turning into an argument… but the conversation dropped and I just continued to work on her project. It did take a while to do her pillow by the way. It took me two days worth which took me three days… half the day on Friday, the whole day on Saturday, and half the day this morning. Friday evening the three of us were hanging out. And that’s when I noticed their behavior… again… it’s really not out of the norm… they’re very publicly affectionate and he’s like this with many… they’re usually more on the big and little sister though wrestling around with one another… crawling on the floor… her hanging off his legs and piggy back rides… but there was something I noticed this time. She cooked some rice and was sitting on the couch with a bowl and she lifted the spoon up to feed him a bite. And since I’ve been with him in an intimate way… the noise he made was very distinctive… he makes distinct sexual arousal noises and he did this when she offered him a bite and he went over to her so she could feed him. So yeah… my spidey senses started to go off… and I was sitting next to them and found myself moving a little farther away and again uncomfortable watching this. I definitely felt like I was the third wheel here. It wasn’t inviting even though I had been with them four weekends working hard on all these projects. I got her a place to stay in Indy and decided to stay with her to make her more comfortable… it was very exclusive. I could hear them whispering when it was just the three of us together… and I felt unwanted and uncomfortable. Finally they said they were going to leave for the night and go to his house. I was still not completely certain if all of this was in my mind… and I didn’t know what the fuck my body acting that way was saying either… I got messages from tarot for having solitude.. so I said good… I can personalize her pillow without prying eyes. I thought it was the best for me to be alone so I can work… which is what I wanted to do … I really love projects… of course I wanted to be included, but if I’m not… then I’d like to be alone to work on the pillow. And as I was alone… I was able to contemplate while I’m in the zone of sewing. She loves to sew and crochete…. She was wanting to tell me what to do with the pillow but said I could do it… when she saw what I was doing she made a suggestion and I thanked her and she said that I’m the artist and I could do whatever I want… and so my plans started to get more elaborate. I haven’t crocheted for a long time… so I thought I’d crochet the logo which is a tree and around the pillow I placed the words (Hostel) loves u (name). I made a heart button in the middle and there were four hearts placed in the letters and inside the logo of the tree had a heart as well. so I didn’t get it finished that night… but when I was talking to myself I was going over if they did have a romantic relationship going… what do I feel about that? This is why I said that the conversations with the universe can be very confusing… because again… my body has been speaking… and I’m assuming it’s because it’s.a message it’s a romantic partner… so I’m trying to be open and accepting… and she’s young but she’s of age and seems to be consensual to the situation… but I kept going back and forth…. This night and the next morning I was on board to be the accepting partner of a polyamorous man that I already knew… but the one thing that really bothered me with our engagements was always the secrecy…. Why is our relationship secret? Why is there relationship a secret? It’s not a secret that he’s polyamorous…. So why are his interests kept a secret… however he does have relationships that are known to everyone… so he just has a web of multiple partners… some who are public and some who are secret… and why am I one who is a secret? But I thought I would do a head and heart meeting with him in the morning and I remember a message i heard to not make the move… and so I opted out of writing him. They returned to the hostel in the afternoon. She said she fell into the river they were walking along and that’s why she’s wearing his pants. I was going along with it and said that it looks good on you. She was trying to look at the pillow while I was trying to hide it from her. We were alone together inside and I finally gave in and said that it’s a work in progress and I’m still working on it. But I showed her what I had done…. She was surprised I was doing crochete… and I said it’s specifically for her… if I was doing it for someone else I’d choose to do something different… I havent’ done it in a while but I’ll work with what I got and what I remember and in the end it will look good. So again… she doesn’t really like when people are openly trying to express how much we care and wasn’t that excited and didn’t understand why I would be taking this much time and effort to do this for her. I looked at her and said well… this isn’t just from me. I was speaking with him last night and we decided to do this for you…. He loves you… and you love him… and she seemed shocked and got weird… I told her so even though I’m making this pillow second hand it’s coming from him. And she’s like where is he right now? And rushed outside to talk to him. They were gone for a long time. He came into the hostel once and went into the office… I continued to work… he came out of the office and wanted to say something but stopped himself… opened his mouth and closed it… and walked out… and then hours later he came back in with a to go box of Mexican… they went to eat. He looked at what I was doing… and he said that he’s going to go back to his home. I looked at him and said… you don’t want to talk? And he said no… not tonight… I’ll be back tomorrow but not tonight. And he left. She came inside and was messing with the fire and I asked her if she’s going to stay the night here? And she said yes tonight she’s going to but she’s going to stay in the Uni… or the library tonight. I told her that I was going to go soak first so I don’t wake her up later… and so I soaked. And this night was a bit more disturbing for me. I definitely started to go on a whirlwind of a rollercoaster… I was thinking how I was going to setup a voice recorder in the room while I spoke to him so if I went to the police it would have him talking about it. But again… I don’t think him sleeping with young females is illegal… I believe all of them are over the age of 18… but I know that her grandma who told her about the hostel would not like the fact that the owner has slept with her grandchild…. And that’s what I was thinking… I’m assuming she isn’t the only one. He’s very cold sometimes when he’s dealing with his staff… just in a manner where he will give but not too much… right…. He’s having a relationship with her… but is trying to have a relationship with me too… he said he wanted to wait until the new year to get some alone time… and that’s because he wants to spend the last moments with her… which wouldn’t bother me if there was honesty and transparency….. but he’s wanting her to leave as well… he’s been dropping her off to different locations mainly Indy so she can work and get her license and fix her car and get gas money. He doesn’t want to do it all for her… which is respectful… but why does she have to leave at this time? He’s out of work and they could spend more time together if he wanted to build something with her… but he’s doesn’t want to. Anyway… that day they were also talking negatively down about the manager who is depressed right now… and it was funny for them… I was thinking how arrogant they have been… and how dismissive they are to everyone… guests and staff like myself… very arrogant… but I’m still fighting to be a good partner too though… I was like… my body was telling me something…. And still assuming that he’s a potential partner…. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… but that’s not how I feel now… but this night I was still trying to defend him. I thought he was acting so cold towards me this time because I was telling him I just wanted to be friends… so I thought this next morning… they thought I was going to fight and yell and shame them… but I was going to apologize for lieing to him… and ultimately I was lieing to myself… I thought I didn’t have any romantic attentions anymore until we build a friendships… but when I gave him the hug my body’s reaction was saying something else. I was going to tell him… that we are all at different levels of consciousness and if he still needs to be mean then that’s why he needs her love… because this is a way they can connect… but he’s told me he’s looking for a deeply higher spiritual romantic relationship.. then he can also have me for this… I will not engage in these activities… and I wanted to talk to him about my amazing partner who introduced me to polyamory… everyone was honest and open… everyone was introduced to their partners so nothing is hidden. I didn’t hang out with her but we knew of each other. I was going to suggest this to him. I wanted to tell him more about the Australian I’m in love with still and said he just needs more time and life experience to step into this relationship. But maybe it seems like you think she might need more life experience as well… and it’s a good idea because ten years isn’t long really and she’ll have a better idea about the world and herself… and she might be at an age that society would think is more acceptable. But I still also deeply feel that if they love one another… to just let it be known…. Be honest and transparent about it…. Expressing love openly is far more healthy then keeping it a secret. And they deserve love too… Yes I was battling back and forth about my thoughts…. I couldn’t sleep well… I tried and got back up to finish the pillow… and finally I couldn’t keep my eyes open I fell asleep. I woke up and was working on finishing the pillow in silence… there were several messages that were going back and forth… What do you really want? What do you really deserve? I continued to question whether I was still believing I’m not worthy of love still? Is that what is happening right now? Am I still putting myself into situations where there’s toxicity tied to relationships? Really… I’m still doing this… and it was the universe who is getting me to question everything… What do I really want? I want to have someone who fully loves themselves so I can love them fully… in return I truly love myself so I can be loved fully. What do I really deserve? I deserve to be loved…. Not in secrecy not as the second mistress… a love partner… I was telling myself that I’m hearing a call from my partner… and I want to find someone who is healthy enough to receive my love. I can’t help it but my messages are weird and it’s getting used to it but at times I feel like I’m talking to someone…and they were suggesting to me that I should just leave…. Reminding me of the dream with his temper… you don’t want to get him angry… and I agreed that I don’t want that to happen… but I wasn’t finished with the pillow and I was getting close. I continued and they both arrived… again I was friendly… and said I’m getting close to being finished. They were doing their own projects.. but their demeanor was different today. They were all work today and no play… and I noticed he still didn’t want to have a conversation and I didn’t want to have one with him either. I started to feel my exhaustion with this entire situation. But all I wanted to do was finish the pillow and get the hell out of here. And so I did… I cleaned up and placed the pillow on the couch and started to put my belongings back into the van. I went ahead and gave people hugs even though my skin wanted to crawl. And she stopped me and said… are you finished with the pillow? I said yes… it’s on the couch. She said I thought you wanted to see my reaction? I told her… well you told me that you don’t like that and you don’t really care… so I think… why do I care how you react? And I got into the van and left. I really do hope she realizes that I was trying to show her a non-manipulative type of love. I wanted to do something without anything in return from her… and it was just out of the kindness of my heart… and kindness is not weakness… just because I don’t show all my cards up front means I’m ignorant and that they missed out on an opportunity for some deep conversations, growth, and friendship. Who knows what will happen in the future, but I’m still open they will want to increase their conscious levels. I’m definitely on empty right now… but I wanted to write this down and now I want to pass out. Ok… until next time… enjoy and continue to love ourselves

Good morning… so awesome start to the week! My pops and I were able to go to my cousin’s new house up north to share in some family time for the holidays… great big old home that’s super warm and welcoming and had a blast with everyone. We’re gamers and so got a chance to play some new games… the first was Seven Wonders I think… and it was a bit tricky getting the rules, but I had beginner’s luck and did really well playing my cousin and her two kiddos… who are growing so fast.. the youngest had his 20th birthday on Monday… and her daughter who’s 24. We got to cook together in their kitchen which is probably my favorite activity to share during the holiday season… well cooking and games… so perfect! Monday…. I’ve been waiting a week to go to my first beginner’s jam. I knew I was going to love it and it was far more than expectations obviously because I couldn’t imagine all the nuance and details of emotions I was going to experience. And I didn’t know the players who were going to attract together to share in this moment. I went a little early to meet with the gentleman I met a week earlier at a drum troupe practice. It was an old building which had so much character. He gave me a tour which was music studio/living quarters/workshop…. I absolutely loved it and briefly met his dog Indy… maybe a labordoodle mix? But guys started to arrive with their own instruments and wasn’t certain exactly where I was going to find myself… but I ended up with the electrical drum kit. And there ended up being six of us… I guess there was a seventh who showed up because he happened to hear the music as he was driving by… he’s from Indy and happened to be in Anderson. He’s a karaoke singer and it was nice to have him stop by but there was something about someone who comes into a jam session and wants us to stop just to hear him sing…. Hehe… he finally sang along with us… I guess that was just the point… we’re here to connect and share into the musical collaboration. But anyway it was really fucking awesome! I had sat at an acoustical drum kit before. I was dating a musician what nine years ago for a little bit… I went to a few practices where they let me play a little bit… but nothing like this… it was close to three hours on the kit… and I wasn’t by myself… I was with a group of seasoned musicians who were very inspiring and encouraging. I love it! I remember having like four different minds connected to the hands and feet… when I started I just started with my hands… I felt a bit comfortable with this. It did seem that I heard and felt a beat that continued to thread itself throughout the night. I kept trying to get to different rhythms but i could hear these original beats returning and peaking through during the duration of the evening. But dynamics started building on top of it. I was oozing with excitement… I couldn’t stop from giggling of pure bliss in the entire experience. First of all I haven’t found owning instruments so to walk into a studio and be allowed to pick an instrument and give it a go is a blessing. So just being there in the first place warmed my heart and soul. The indoor fire pit might have helped to the warmth too… hehe. But then again… being able to kind of hear a way to sync with the sounds was happening… not to the extent by the fire… but there was something there. I’m still so new to this language I could feel myself finding a simple beat but desire to explore to add more complimentary variety which at times worked but mostly just the potential for something… hehe… it was funny to listen back to the two and a half session the owner recorded for us. During the jam I knew at times I was on but majority being a bit off…hehe… but when I watched it again… I was like holy shit.. there was so much of the music being played by the players that I missed. It’s not like I couldn’t hear them… but I was so focused that I missed their communication of brilliance that I was able to hear in the video… but also telling the drummer… hey girl… shush a bit… there’s some amazing juice here and you’re not adding to the flavor right now… but I know that I can’t learn without going through that struggle of giving it a chance and explore the mistakes to gain confidence. It was fun to struggle through the jam. I could hear the moments where everyone’s musicality was increasing and peaking and I could feel it but couldn’t execute reciprocation of balanced harmony… but I was definitely reciprocating elevated energetic enthusiasm. I want to be able to express myself in every way possible. Again a new language I’m being introduced to where I have a desire to learn and I understand that I’m ready to attract more of this in my life and hell yeah… finally!!! Not that having it any sooner would’ve been better… I wouldn’t have been ready for it… so it’s the perfect timing with the perfect people and the perfect situation… so I wouldn’t have appreciated it if it was before the time it was. I had to gain enough confidence to even exist in this space and so it’s exciting to see I’ve gotten to this point. There’s so much I would like to express but feel like my words are going to be falling short per usual. But I’ve got some cool stuff in the next week that I’ll briefly mention. Yesterday the girl from the hostel needs a place to stay in Indy while she’s working so a message went out to see if anyone can help her out. There weren’t anyone responding and I started to think about a recent buddy I met downtown who has a cool spot and feel like he would be open to this because it seems like he’s craving some attention. So I messaged him and he said he’s down. As I messaging to let them know I have an option… I started to think… hey I’ve been wanting to stay with him too so we can talk about creating apps and websites… so I mentioned I’ll join her at this spot. I’ll pick her up and drop her off from work. I messaged her last night and I’m going to take her to the goodwill outlet when she gets off work and give her some practice time driving on the highway in the city while she’s here. She’s so stinking adorable… I’m so happy we met… yeah I feel like I can get that sister feeling I don’t share with my younger sisters… so I’m loving it. She’ll be going back to Wisconsin next week to get her driver’s license so she can go volunteer in Asheville for the hurricane recovery. But yeah… so heading there today, spending the night with them, hangout out more with my new buddy on Thursday before returning back to my hometown so I can pick up my childhood girl friend on Friday… so we can spend a few days together. She’s willing to share time with me even though her dogs won’t be able to come with us. We’ll be going to the hostel… the manager is hosting a wild game party which will serve meats he hunted and then have games including the Chicken game I’ve spoken about. We’re going a day early to help setup and prepare for the event. People will be showing up Saturday… and that day will be filled with laughter I’m sure. Sunday is up in the air… I’m not sure if we’ll stay one more night at the hostel or if we’ll go ahead and continue down to Kentucky early. I met a beautiful soul during the intention convention who invited me to come to her home in Lexington for a dinner party and ecstatic dance party at her home. She said that we could spend the night too which is awesome! So we’ll head back home on Tuesday. Again I have these ideas of how things will go… but I’m trying to be more open to spontaneity. This will be the general outline and guidance… but so curious to experience all the details. Ok… I want to start getting myself together before I head out. Until next time… enjoy! here’s a clip that i made for IG reel on first jam session, but not last IMB_75Bb6b.mp4

OK…. So… it seems like every time I go somewhere I get more motivation to add more projects onto my list… hehe… so… I’ve gotten messages to allow space in my schedule. And I want to… I love spontaneity… and I love to contribute because these are all areas I want to build upon. So where to start. I went to a djembe troupe practice last night. I love being part of their group… my hands were throbbing with energy and I love it! It feels so good to be connected and creating such powerful vibrations with a group. It’s normally three women and two men who are the usuals… and I make four women… but there were two other men who joined us last night. One of them has a music studio in a neighboring city. He hosts impromptu jams for beginners. He says he teaches in a unique way and I’ll get a taste of that next Monday. I don’t have to own an instrument. They are provided and it’s encouraged to play instruments that we aren’t use to playing. So it’s getting out of our comfort zone and try new things while everyone there is doing the same thing. he told me to come early and he’ll show me around and get me acclimated to his approach to teaching music. So I’ve got that on my schedule and looking forward to it. So yes… one of the main areas I want to focus on is what I’ve been wanting to gain skills in… music! It was so powerful and fulfilling when I was hearing the music at the drum circle that weekend with strangers playing around the fire. I can notice it when we are doing a free style drumming. People start to play a rhythm and I start to hear a beat that compliments the rhythm. In this state it’s not exactly how it felt when i was drumming around the fire… i heard a melody that I was trying to drum but I didn’t know how to drum it on the steel drum I was holding and so I just started singing it. I could hear it and I just used my voice as the rhythm… and in between the rhythm there were spaces to add lyrics but I didn’t have the lyrics yet… just the understanding that there is space to have it. And one day it will come. The night I was drumming with them around the fire I took a half a hit of marijuana which I know helps my mind quiet down and just flow with the music… and I want to be able to get there without using marijuana which I know is going to happen as well. When I’m in ceremony with Aya… it just happens… I mean it can be complete silence and then music just becomes the space. It overcomes me and it sounds so different each time I sing. it isn’t a build up it just exists and whatever the energy is… that’s where it is… I feel it and actually I already start to sing before I get the nuisance of the mood that is being shared. I guess that’s just how ceremony goes for the most part… when I’m helping someone I’m the vessel and I get moved to be in that space and while I’m moving I get more context of why… but I don’t even care of the why most of the time… I just understand it’s what is and it’s perfect in that moment. Ceremony is becoming Reality… however in this state of consciousness… its a bit delayed… I can observe how it shows up and how I work with it until it’s just there and I want to express it. It’s different but I enjoy this too… It’s happening where it will just come but it’s a process in this degree of consciousness… but I want to integrate musicality everywhere I go. And so it’s nice to see that opportunities are here and be able to explore this more. I’m very excited about it. It makes me wish I had instruments to play with… I have my flute and traveling drum… so I play but not as much as I think I would… maybe it’s the addition of having people to play with? But I also get inspired at times… just like the song breakdown that I kept hearing and finally I was like I can play this… and found videos to put together and finally I was like I want to sing this to him… and it came very easily to add it to the movements. It was only a few days and I was able to do this because I was inspired. I get that way when I”m drawing, painting, sewing… when I’m inspired nothing stops me from expressing myself. I keep thinking about the number 4… The summer I got back from Peru and I was in Colorado looking for an ashram… I had the number 4 appear to me… it kept changing shapes… well it was always a number 4 but the material kept changing… anyway… I didn’t know what it meant and I remember that I said I hope it’s not 4 years before I return to the jungle. Time is weird for me… but has it only been two years since I seen this? It seems like it’s been forever ago… but it’s only been two years, yeah… and so I have two more years… to what? It took me four years of conscious spiritual work to experience the Awakening… maybe it’s going to take me four years for my consciousness to get acclimated into this state… I continue to feel like I’ve got the hang of it.. but it starts to pickup again… so I have to continue to ground myself. Oh my goodness… My little buddy… he is so stinkin adorable… I feel so bad because he’s been literally attached to my hip and my stomach and my shoulders… hehe… he won’t get off of me for long. Watching him react to me being gone for days at a time… I was gone for a week last time and he is not dealing with it well…. I’m thinking it’s because he’s here at my dad’s place. I’m not sure but this isn’t the place for him to stay long periods of time alone. He will drive himself mad. I don’t like leaving him behind either. I keep meeting people who live in their vehicles… and I’m thinking that might be the move I’ll be making here shortly. There are situations that don’t want me to have a cat and if we have our own space that we can take with us… he’ll be able to be with me but can stay in our vehicle if he has to…. We can find areas where he can get out and explore… he loves that and I love that for him too. I love loving on him too… he’s my little guy and we’re just a pair. I keep on thinking about specific visions I got of people lately too… especially two of them… the one where I’m walking up to a fire with a group of people already there and there is a young man… I don’t know I”m not good with ages… but he’s like in his twenties and he’s wearing a toboggan and we recognize one another and he nods his head. I guess the other vision that keeps coming up to mind is not of a person… it seems like I was in a room and on a bed and there’s a fan on and there seems to be a red light on… and I watch Elvis walking in front of the fan on the bed walking towards me. I have a feeling like it’s during a ceremony… they keep coming up and I keep thinking that these are going to be in the States… I don’t know whether they are or not but it gets me thinking that if I have two more years left… maybe it’s two years left in the States and another reason why living in a vehicle continues to come up… maybe I should be traveling more. It’s weird because I feel like I want to have a home base here in Indiana… but I feel like I don’t have to remain in Indiana the whole time… I’ll have moments of exploration too. But I keep adding more on my schedule… is this what I should be doing? What have I said yes to? I guess it’s not official for many events… I just know there are many events coming but which ones have I said yes to? The one is my class reunion… this is a yes and we haven’t set a date to this yet. I’m wanting it to be in the summer… and the location I want to have it I need to see what available weekends are to give our class time to choose which will work for most of us. I’ll assume it’s going to be in July or August. There is a festival for the anniversary couple that I said yes to as well and it’s June 7th, right? Let’s see… yes… that’s correct. And I want to say yes to this… they have aspects that I feel they will allow me to learn as they are learning. I started to look up sponsorship approaches… and it’s an unknown territory but I still would like to make steps into this direction. I know eventually for the Spiritual Expeditions I’ll be wanting to partner with several sponsors so I want to start getting experience in this area. They told me that they’re gong to start in January because they heard this is when companies get their money and some of it is set aside for donations… I asked if they’re going to do any planning during the month of December so we are ready for January… they said they haven’t really started that but it sounds like a good idea. So we’ll see…. I want to do this but I have to be honest that I’m not quite to the inspiration stage to this quite yet. I feel like I should meet with them again and get a better idea of who they are and what they’re event stands for. I have an idea but I feel like I want to get to know them more. I guess I’m been noticing the communities I’ve been introduced to… I’m also wondering if I’m jumping ahead… I had made notes about the meetings… I made summaries of each community… I sent the rough drafts to each property for them to review and finalize and then I’ll post them all together. It’s been almost three weeks and nobody has done any finalizations… so I just ended up putting them all together and posted it so I don’t have to be the middle man. They all just go to the group document and make the changes there. I guess I want to see how much they are looking for networking opportunities… many people have the best intentions but they might not actually be ready… and that’s why I’m wondering if I’m jumping the gun with them. I find it interesting that there were no steps taken from their side… it is near the end of the season and they are worn out… but it would’ve been nice to see some type of reciprocation. So yeah…. Maybe I don’t want to go all in when I feel not everyone is on the same level of reciprocation. Since I posted the group document… I feel like this is off my plate now… I’ll check back through the winter to again see if anyone takes any steps forward. It would be nice to go and visit these communities… but are these the communities I’m going to be working with actually… like actually ready to work together with? Hehe… the ashram temple isn’t ready to work together however, I know it’s one of my communities I’ll be involved with… so I guess I’m curious to see which communities I’m drawn to. I’m drawn to one of them… and I’m not sure if they’re ready to reciprocate either… hehe… but I do have a strong feeling it’s one of the communities I want to place more energy towards… There are areas the communities want help in… and I think I can help in these areas and maybe that’s where I’ll start… just smaller projects to get chances to observe and learn more of whom I’m curious to work with. Since I applied for the storytelling grant I saw all of these areas that I want to build skills in… and one is video documentaries. Working with cameras, lighting, sound, syncing time codes… etc… I’ve been finding people who are already doing this in a way and I’m sure I can learn from them… but I feel like they’re schedule is quite full and I don’t want any excuses to not be able to build a skill that I’m wanting to gain. I’ll continue practicing with the equipment I have and will keep my eye open for obtaining more equipment along the way. The man who has the music studio also was talking about his recording and videography he’s been doing with his jam sessions… so I plan on checking out his setup on Monday when I go to the jam. I’ve got my dj buddy who wants me to sing for some of his tracks… so he’s got experience with musical digital mixing which is also skills I want to build… i want to make music for the documentary as well… mostly for ceremonies… but I’d enjoy creating music and recording sounds and creating too… I can see working on this more and again… most of these opportunities are here in Indiana. But there’s land that I keep thinking of too… hehe… There’s a park in Kentucky that I’d like to visit… and I keep getting all of these hot springs in my feeds that look so very enticing… I figure taking baths won’t be in my future as much as I’d like if I go to the vehicle lifestyle… so stopping at hot springs sounds like it would be very beneficial in many ways… but i’ts so grounding and healing for me to be in baths… I won’t be able to clean myself with soap… but spiritual cleansing in hot springs is better, right? Hehe… but I was talking with my dad about how I know where I want to go when I’m traveling… and it looks like that’s just what I’m drawn to do anyway… these areas are just things I want to include in my life more often anyway. I don’t have to wait to start gaining these skills… and I can start now… what am I waiting for? I’m very curious about this potential romantic partner who is in the friend zone for now… if we actually start to make steps towards romance then I’ll definitely allow space for this to grow and explore… but if it’s not going to take steps in this direction… then friendship is where it will be and I’ll be open for romance whenever it comes… at least it looks like I have better ways to understand what communicates to me of someone who I”m actually attracted to in a romantic way… I know when I get better at this… I probably won’t squirm so much and by that time… I’ll just understand myself better and won’t need these types of clues… but for now I’m grateful I get some assistance to get to know where I am right now. I still want to dance, sew, and do art… I feel like this will just make it’s way into my reality and I’ll just be inspired and it’s just a part of who I am. I am curious… there is a drag show/ burlesque show that is at a community I was introduced to… I’d love to make costumes… I wonder if I can assist in this? I’m not sure when this event is held.. but I would like to be open and attract these types of opportunities. I’d like to make a larger effort to allow dance in my life… I absolutely love dancing and I feel like I’m out of shape and not flexible… but I can change this fairly quickly… again I cannot help but the housing I’m in right now doesn’t inspire me to move… there’s not a clean space and it’s cold… hehe… I know it’s excuses… but I also know if my settings change a bit… then I’ll see myself making more room to dance with myself. Of course I enjoy with dancing with others but again not making up more excuses to dance. There is a woman who I met who invited me to her house in Lexington on December 9th. It’s on a Monday and I plan on going down south on the Thursday to help with the dinner party… I want to take my girl friend with me… and maybe we can swing by Lexington too? It’s about 2.5 hours from the hostel… it ends at 8pm sharp so she can put her daughters to bed… so we could make it back to the hostel or we can find somewhere to stay the night closer to Lexington? Of course I’d love to invite my potential partner… but I’m trying to give us more space at this time. I’ll feel him out when I go and visit next time… see how things go. I’m not sure how late my girl friend can stay away from her pets either. So we’ll see but it’s something I’m considering. I’m just thinking about things… but it does look like I haven’t really committed to as much as I thought I had… I have potential to work with many… but I’m going to observe them first before committing to them. I’m definitely more conscious of giving too much right now. I jump in quickly to give… but what’s being given in return? So… I’ll continue to balance this. Well… this is good enough for tonight… Hope everyone enjoys their holiday… I hope it doesn’t take a holiday of thanksgiving to have us be grateful of the lives we get to experience. Until next time… enjoy

Hehe… I already started to type but it seems like I have to start all over. Well… I’m going to attempt to be a romantic novelist and try to share the setting of a shared sexual play I had the opportunity to share. I was given consent to share so why not share some juiciness… I was a bit bewildered but swept up in excitement and curiosity I would love to see how I would express this. So… let’s give it a go… ok The farmhouse was filled with warmth and giggles. I was hunkered down next to the wood stove adding to the fire. My girl friend snuggling up with her blankets while lounging on the couch. As he starts to walk up the creaky stairs he calls my name and asks me to show him what I’ve been working on these past few days. I finish arranging the wood and close the door to the stove and start my accent up the creaky stairs following him down the hall. We enter the last room on the right. This is where he usually sleeps when he stays here at the farmhouse. I showed him where I patched up the small and large holes and added a new coat of paint on each wall. I knew he would be returning, so I made his bed once I got all the furniture back into place. I said I finished the room next door as well. This room is the bunk room which has four twin beds which is for the work traders who come to visit. I was turned toward the back wall and window babbling about the Japanese beetles who have found their way into the room and found heat in the corner of the walls. And I feel his strong hands caress my hips. I stop babbling and before I could do or think of anything else; he swiftly turns my body where we are face to face. He brings my body close to his and my hands intuitively goes from hanging loosely to my sides to bracing myself on his chest and shoulders. As I slowly lift up my eyes to meet his… his hands are synchronized with my movements… rising up my spine which is delightfully ticklish. My chin rises up and my head is thrown back with a huge smile on my face. He catches the back of my head with his fingers tangling into my hair. I hear an enticing moan as he brings his mouth close to my neck. Not to kiss but to exhale a foggy breath of heat and moisture and moves up to my ear where I can hear him moan again. I reciprocate with my own moan of approval. His grip in my hair massages my head and slightly pulls my roots and every hair on my body rises to attention. Wow… ok… this is happening.. I start to think… and as he continues to maneuver his mouth around my body not to kiss but to tease and I stop thinking. We stand together in the middle of the room allowing our hands to roam and explore one another’s body… we exchange moans and tones of excitement, consent, and desire for what’s more to come? We were in a dance of teasing and starting to allow kisses on our necks… maybe on the forehead or a nose or a chin… it was now the tease of not kissing mouth to mouth. Again I feel his hands on my hips and he firmly pushes my body up against the wall. He closes in and compresses his body onto mine and moves my hands up above my head… and continues to move my hair away from my face. He’s moving confidently and smoothly… I’m finding myself just riding the wave of bewildered bliss. He has now grabbed under my thighs lifting me off the ground and taking us to one of the beds. He sits down and places me on his lap while I wrap my legs around him. My body is speaking her own language in this position. Squeezing his body and arching my back and small slow rotations of my hips… my eyes are looking at him in a manner to question how far are we going to take this right now? We’re both smiling knowing wherever it goes… it will be fun! We make our way to his bedroom and get even more comfortable lying on his fuzzy blankets on our skin. He lies down first and has his arm out for me to fit right in next to his side. I don’t hesitate and crawl right into place only for a moment until I want to straddle his body. He has given me a lot of his attention and so I wanted to reciprocate and he allowed me to roam and explore and tease him for awhile… licking, nibbling, and biting… all while allowing my body to speak her own language of curiosity and interest. He gives me time, but he wants to take over again and this time he slowly removes the long-sleeved shirt I have on with little splatters of paint on it. He observes my nude breasts for a moment before licking, nibbling, and biting in such a pleasurable and exciting manner. Holy shit he’s good… holy shit! I get the chance to take his shirt off too so I can press and rub our partially nude bodies against one another. He rotates the breath of heat and moisture to the licking and blowing cool air… goosebumps and tingles everywhere… and I’m trying to keep up and return the favors. He suddenly stops and says wait… he grabs his phone and sets an alarm. We’re supposed to be cooking dinner for the staff and guest tonight. Whatever we are doing… we’re going to have to stop and go cook. We had about 20 minutes left before the alarm will go off. He gently pushes me so I’m laying down on my back and he grabs my legs. He’s moving and arranging them in several positions and starts to lick my toes and massaging my feet. I cannot help but giggle aloud. My arms are to my sides caressing his thighs and tracing over his member and he folds my legs on top of me. He’s lying on top of my calves and knees to my chest and in a split second he removes my black tights with paint splattered on my knees. Well alrighty then, sir… time is not pressuring his artful process of seduction. He begins with heat on my vagina… I am squirming with excitement and he penetrates my pussy with his fingers… his mouth is slowly making his way up my body to my breasts as he continues to penetrate… I’m so wet with pleasure I can hear my juices as he going in and out. His mouth slowly makes his way down… and my body is trying to stay calm as he starts to lick… flicking my lips… yeeessss… oh yessss! He gets in deeper and my body arches and my hands find his hands to grip tightly. He removes one of his hands so he can alternate from licking, blowing cool air and penetration… my knees are bent and I push my pelvis up off the bed and start to turn my body as I pulsate my hips around his head and the alarm sounds… holy shit… are you kidding me? I turn completely over and lay on my stomach with my face in the blankets. Holy fucking shit… ok… we agreed that we need to cook dinner when we hear the alarm, but I’m moving very slowly and hesitantly and even in a bit of a pouty demeanor. Really? I make it to my knees and as he’s getting dressed he continues to play with me. I whisper that I’m going… I’m getting there… and I finally get to my clothes to put back on. Our eyes are fully of satisfaction and yearning… this will have to continue after dinner. I’m following him back down the creaky stairs into the kitchen. My girl friend pops up off the couch and asks if we need help cooking dinner. And I’m like yes please do… I’m a ball of mush right now and I cannot think straight. I had already decided we were going to make breakfast for dinner… so pancakes, bacon, and eggs. He takes over the pancakes and adds an egg, vegetable oil, cinnamon, and nutmeg to the basic batter. She looks at me and chuckles and said… i can do the eggs… what vegetables do we have and what kind of cheese? So yes… I know where things are at and I need to help her find them… I really am not in a clear mind right now… I’m extremely overwhelmed and unable to concentrate. Acclimating myself out of the bedroom into the kitchen with another person who has no clue… well she has a little clue… hehe of what just went down upstairs. But I finally realized that I’m going to be in charge of the bacon. Ok this is the easiest part of this meal… so come on… get yourself together. We’re all sharing laughter and cooking together while the manager makes his way to the farmhouse to join us. Everything was a bit fuzzy and I found moments to tell him this and he giggles and says that’s exactly what he was going for. We have gratitude circle and all I can remember is saying my name and I’m from the world of la la-woo haa land… and because of that I’m unable to think straight and I’m just so grateful the Universe has attracted this moment to experience right now. We eat and again we find ourselves in his bed snuggling. Before we get heated I start to suggest something I want to try. In our break I’m wondering if I’m ready to have sexual intercourse tonight or not… so I want to try to slow it down a bit. I start by saying that I use to give myself self body massages from head to toe. I’ve always wanted to try this with my partner where we mirror one another while we massage each other head to toe. He asked how do we do this and we both chuckle when I said I don’t know… I haven’t tried it before, but we’ll figure it out. And so he said that I already gave him a foot massage before and so he wants to return the favor. So he starts to massage my feet and I said… well.. I’m going to mirror you so I’m going to massage your feet again as well. He starts to suck on my toes and I started to do the same sucking on his toes. He massages my feet and I’m trying to mirror his every action he does to my body I return at the same time on his body. He said well it looks like you’re going to let me lead the direction…and I said I can do both lead and follow, but it feels appropriate to follow right now. And we continued to massage and mirror. I’m sitting on his lap facing him as we massage and scratch our scalp and hair… and move to his ears, his temple, and his chin… his neck and shoulders. He then said that there’s moves he’d like to do that I won’t be able to mirror… so we’re going to have to go back and forth. He starts to massage my arms and pushing pressure points to loosen my muscles. He notices and remarks how I don’t seem to hold much tension in my body. I remark that I’m not a person who gets tense much anymore. He does a series of massages and stretches and he starts to increase the sexiness and I stop him so I can return the favor before we get heated up again. Trying to remember his sequence but end up doing my version of what I remember and just find myself wanting to give his body attention and affection. I’m so grateful to be sharing this experience with him. And I hope he understands how thankful I am for this opportunity. We get heated up and I start to move to his pants and undo his belt and take off his pants. It takes me more than a split second to remove his pants. And now I’m going to return the favor of going down on him. I love licking around his member and creases in his thighs and hips…. I place his member in my mouth and move my throat up and down slowly over his member. Rotating my tongue in circles around his member while rotating my mouth. Soft sucking to more intense sucking… deep throating to focusing on his member’s head… I’m also trying to keep in the manner he has been playing in our session so it was more of a teasing manner. I spit on my hand to lather up slippery hands to jack off his member while I lick and suck his balls. He positions me so he can reciprocate and we enjoy time sucking and licking one another. I really enjoy fellatio. I even thought maybe I would be able to get him off in this manner, but he seemed to not be ready to finish at this time. He repositions me so he can focus on going down on me and I can feel myself wanting to explode. As he gets me squirting he inserts his penis inside my vagina and we finally connect and penetrate deeply. We waited so long and it was much more satisfying delaying our satisfaction. We’re also sharing deep kisses mouth to mouth by this time and it’s hot and rewarding. I’m toning and moaning with absolute delight and he whispers if I keep it up… he’s going to cum. I assume he didn’t want to yet and so I apologized but I couldn’t stop myself of voicing my pleasure and shortly he cums inside. He said we should have probably talked about this before we started, but he has gotten a vasectomy and didn’t think it would be an issue to cum inside. And I was thankful that was the case and admitted how much I really enjoy the act of ejaculation inside of me. So… this is what I’ve been waiting to experience for all these years of celibacy. Interesting? It was exactly what I was looking for without knowing what I was looking for.

Ok… good morning… I had a series of weird dreams and it took me on a trip of my mind and how it works sometimes still… and it’s interesting… and it also reminded me of another area that I was thinking of when it comes to this specific location and when I’m observing him. So… let’s start off with the dream I first had that my mind was subconsciously thinking of… so I was at a shared hostel setting but it wasn’t really the same space as it is in the physical reality but it seemed like nothing was really unusual. It was like it was just a normal day there… well it was more like a normal evening. We were making dinner together… I’m not sure i feel like it was just the two of us cooking and it was he and I but it felt like it was just four of us that we were cooking for. So it felt like it was the two of us, the nineteen year old girl and the manager. geesh before I continue… I guess I should mention that I did get a message before I slept that there are some messages that are standing out to me and it’s hard to explain but I did have one message that I heard days back about being part of a community that might have something hidden going on and it seemed to imply that it was something that isn’t the healthiest… so I heard this and I still remembered it… but right before sleeping I also received another message that said that I shouldn’t have an emotional reaction and that I should use more logic than emotion… and so this was sticking out to me as well.. and it felt like these two messages were coming up once I had this dream… so let’s continue… So we finished dinner and we placed the plates onto the table and we were going to get the other two so they knew that it was time for dinner. He went to get the girl and I went to get the manager… and I don’t really remember talking to the manager it seemed like he was around the space and he was somewhat there… but not really present just a sense he was around and he was waiting around like I was to wait for the other two to join us. And then I started to notice what I was thinking… he was gone for a long time and I hadn’t seen the young girl… and I started to think that oh my goodness… he keeps my relationship secret… so what’s to stop him to keep many other relationships secret as well…. And so I started to think that maybe when he is gone for a long time that he’s having make out sessions with someone else… and so I remember thinking of my goodness I hope this isn’t the case but I started to walk to the young girls room and as I was opening the girls door I was hoping that I wasn’t going to see what I was about to walk into… I was hopeful that it was all in good nature… but I opened the door and called out her name and I saw him and the young girl in bed together and moving away from one another and I said oh no… I can’t believe this… and she was a little flustered and I said… she’s only nineteen… you’re in your mid forties… this is not right… and I started to walk out… and I heard him say something and I turned back around to talk again and I asked… did you just say that I’m acting like this because I’m jealous… and he said yes… and I was like… holy shit what’s going on here and I started to feel like I had to run away from this community and I started to feel like he wasn’t a safe space any longer and I felt like I was in danger. As I was running away I heard her say I can’t believe she just opened my door what if I was taking a bath or something… and I just kept running until I got to my room. I was in a room that had a door but it didn’t have a lock and it was a sliding door but for some reason there was a sliding curtain thing that was there too and there was a hook thing on the wall so I was rigging it so it was going to be really hard to open up the sliding doors… I was thinking that he was going to try to stop me from leaving… and after I got it closed and somewhat locked I looked around and saw a window that was high on the wall and I climbed up and saw that I was able to fit out of the window to escape if anyone was going to try to break in. I was looking at all my belongings and I thought how am I going to take everything… and I was thinking just get away who cares if you take anything with me… and right about this time I woke up. And I was laying there… and I was like ok? What the hell does this mean? I did feel like the character in the dream wanted to be emotional and my body in my bed was fairly calm but as I was laying there it started to get a little uncomfortable… I was wondering what the hell… is there some type of sexual distortion going on? Is he using this space to sexually exploit his deviant sexual pleasures? Is this another fucking situation where I found some type of crazy sex scandal? And then I started to question why in the hell has my body been communicating in a manner that I assumed was a potential romantic partner… was it squirming because it actually noticed that there was something off about this man? So I noticed this was going on but I was also tired… and I kept remember to not be emotional and be more logical…and I ended up falling back to sleep and I remembered the dreams that followed… which again help to put the first one in better context for me. And I don’t remember them in such a huge detail but I kept waking up at different moments for me to recontextualize. My dreams went back to my classmates… so it was with people that I’m fairly comfortable with… and I’m more accepting of who they are and possible lessons they are learning… and so there was one buddy of mine who was with me and I started to have dreams of him wanting to be violent with guns involved…. And in the dream… I again wasn’t being emotionally moved but I woke up and was like… ok… this is not the character of my buddy… even though he has guns… he’s not going to be using them to murder people in a crazy frenzy… so to me it showed me that my dreams and mind can show me unconscious thoughts and depending on how familiar I am with people will see whether I start to allow my mind to go on tangents of neverending avalanche of thoughts of uncertaininty and distrust… but with this old buddy of mine it was right away to notice that mind dismissed the dream and was like… that isn’t him. So I started to calm down about the potential romantic partner I’m dealing with… I’m still getting to know him… and there’s a part of me who is scared that I might be choosing someone who isn’t the best for me. It’s challenging for me to want to surrender to a relationship where I’m not trying to keep an escape route… just in case… I’ve been mentioning this while I’ve been expressing is how I have a foot in and a foot out just in case… and that it takes a while to feel comfortable in a space and around a community… it’s like a fear response of flight… that this would be my way to leave if I’m not feeling comfortable… and I’ve been in several situations where I feel like I find myself in what could be considered toxic and I use to not care of my personal safety and stayed in these situations until I was experience the toxicity before I realized it was time to leave… it’s like I didn’t really want to believe that the toxicity was going on… and when I started to notice this… I went to the extreme of leaving at the drop of a dime… but again I continue to find a balance and at times I realize that I can judge a situation fairly early and I start to remember the messages I get and that at times I just want to leave but there’s something for me to experience and learn from… so I should be patient and see what I’m not seeing past my original judgement. A good example is the temple farm… there was quite a bit of resistance while I was there… but I also gained so much insight and found a community that I enjoyed… granted I felt restricted in expressing myself authentically and being accepted however I see the potential and it was a safe space even though it can use a little more work to make it a great safe space. But this community and space… it was fairly soon to the space that I felt like it was a safe space. My body is responding to this safe space and I’m starting to have break through moments and I really do want to feel comfortable because I can see how I can stop holding myself from full expression of who I am… and I understand this… but again I can still notice the subtle moments of my mind still not wanting to trust my own feelings… and questioning if my judgements are accurate… am I trying to make the situation something that it’s not. I had some continued dreams of my classmates.. I guess it’s because I’ve been thinking about my reunion… but people started to come to me as if we were in a dream space… where they were asking me for help… and I was able to move around easier to get what they wanted more quickly as well… I just don’t have many distractions and high degrees of focus and clarity when someone needed something… I would be able to go and get it done… and it was as if I wasn’t questioning what the needs are that they were asking for… I remember there was one guy who was asking me to get him drugs.. and I found myself getting it for him and not flinching… and I’m not like this when I’m in the waking world… but yeah even who I am in my dream can be skewed to the image people may have on me… and this kind of reminds me right now… that the potential partner also doesn’t really understand my psychedelic choice of spiritual practices. He had used the word drug when it came to Aya and so I understand that this is something unconsciously he doesn’t really have a direct experience with psychedelics to see it far more than a drug. But using the word drug also implies that he doesn’t trust this way either… and so I can see h im not wanting to trust me either because of the choices I make. Just being more empathetic of doubts he is processing when he’s getting to know me better as well… I feel like I want to have more time with him in private to get to know one another better… but I also noticed that I can show who I am when we aren’t together privately as well An example is when I was left alone at the farmhouse…. He actually started to see the actions I choose when I’m by myself… this communicates a lot that I wouldn’t be able to show if we were together… I am struggling trying to participate in a community dynamic and it’s a bit chaotic for me with so much activity and what I feel like there is so many distractions that its challenging for me to focus… but he’s been able to observe how I move in a space and speak with people when I’m comfortable again which tells more about how I am then just a one on one conversation together… and so… it’s been a blessing that we haven’t had so much one on one time together to gain a better understanding… especially of how I behave in this style of moving in life… this isn’t necessarily what I’m drawn to and so observing this should be giving him intel… and he’s intelligent and very intuitive… but I also want to continue to remind him that I’m still working on getting comfortable moving in this manner…and I’m adjusting but this isn’t what I’ve chosen to live in recently… so… right now this is a good move to not have so much one on one time… we’re still trying to see if we’re actually safe people to be around. As much as I’d love to have one on one time… not to rush this has been a blessing and giving us feedback that is necessary to hopefully want to take down our walls and feel safe to express vulnerably… in depths that we haven’t experienced yet. But we haven’t gotten to this stage in our relationship yet… and this is perfectly fine. I’m already wondering how I’m going to manage all the people and projects that I’ve been getting introduced to just by being in Indiana for almost two months. It’s exciting but I also feel like how am I going to balance my own energies? How am I not going to drain myself because of how excited I am… I see that I’m aware of this… so it’s not going to go to extrémeme as far as I would go before…but still I think I’m taking it farther than I’d like… I feel like I want o rest for the next few days because I’m just so exhausted from laboring so much last week. A lot of the projects I’m wanting to move forward with won’t be laboring… and so I feel like I’d much rather work on these projects right now. They’re also skills I’m wanting to build so it’s also more attractive to me. So… the insight I gained while I’ve been observing this community and also the founder. I started to almost categorize communities that I deal with into specialties… I was feeling like this is a wonderful place for youthful energies… which makes sense since this falls right into line of his mission of this space. It’s a sandbox, playground, summer camp vibes to remind the importance of play and youthfulness to balance our lives… and I am drawn to have more play in my life as well.. but I do find myself wondering if being in the space for too long will support me to go too far in the play mode… but again this will be my lesson to balance out. But there has been wonderful youth that I’ve met here and again the category of play and youth seems to be apparent here and I really thought this is a great place for connecting with the youth which I haven’t found in the communities that I’ve found thus far. I’m sharing space with the youth here… and as much as it’s not what I”m use to… but I’m enjoying it so much… and I really enjoy watching him as well when dealing with the youth… I don’t have much context but this young girl at the hostel has been wonderful to see them play as brother and sister…. Her grandmother wanted her to look into this hostel to see if it could be beneficial for her at the time and she started to do the monthly interviews… and finallly the founder invited her to join the community and he travels a lot and was around her area and offered to pick her up to take to the hostel. She’s been here since September and now she’s wanting to go towards her next adventure. She wasn’t sure where to go… she was trying to apply for ski resorts and did a few interviews… but she found a volunteer opportunity for the hurricane victims in Asheville… and so she was far more motivated to go there. So he is helping her get to this destination… she didn’t have a car or a license… so he’s purchase a car for her where she will be paying him back for it. She needs to get a license so she needs to get temporary work to pay for this… and he placed a post on FB where people were wanting to help her out and offered her opportunities to make some money… this is why I was left alone for sometime… he was taking her to the different positions… some came and picked her up to… but he’s trying to show her what steps can be taken to get what you want in life. He’s taken her out four times to learn how to drive… I was with them the last time and it was so sweet to watch them… and how nervous she was… I was trying to get her to relax because of the way she was carrying herself there was so much tension throughout her body… but she didn’t want to relax.. she was going to take it seriously and wants to do a good job in front of him.. so yeah… I’ve really enjoyed watching this aspect of him and what he’s been creating in his community… And I can recognize this… and any subconscious doubt that is trickling in… is my lessons of trust and not his problem… I don’t want it to be a problem either… so I’m grateful that I went through this rollercoaster last night… ok… I’m still laying in bed typing… but I’m actually still tired… so I’m going to sleep for another few hours before getting up. It was fresh in my mind and wanted to remember… but.. until next time… enjoy ourselves

Alright… I’m back at my pops house tonight… and it feels so good to be back with my cat Elvis… he is so happy to see me… and I could tell how much he was anxious without me there… and how relieved he is when I’m back here… I’m looking forward to giving him a bunch of attention while I’m back. I left the hostel this morning to go back to Indy to participate in a drumming and dancing event… its a diversity drum circle where many cultures are represented and it was held at the global village and I hadn’t been to the new location and I really enjoyed the feel of the space… and so happy to be there and get the chance to visit with so many lovely people… I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with everyone… I’m pretty tired still so I don’t think I’ll be typing long but we’ll see how that goes… hehe… I just was sitting here and I started to notice that there was something I was missing from the week… I started to notice that I wasn’t getting triggered to extremes when I was dealing with this guy… I was wondering why am I being guided to share experiences with him and why him… and I started to remember the different times he was dealing with me… and I watched myself not being triggered and actually thankful that he was addressing the things on his mind. One was a direct conversation and one was indirectly but I had received a message to not overreact and I wasn’t sure what that meant but I didn’t overreact because it wasn’t making me offensive… hehe… it was cool to recognize this… I really could see how much growth I’m receiving right now… but this wasn’t so clear until I was sitting here playing a game… and so let’s see what these two situations were… so I was left alone at the farmhouse for a few days… and I loved it because I had projects to work on… when I started I was probably seeding him because I heard him saying that he doesn’t trust people easily.. and I made a comment on the group chat to the likes of… oh man… it’s going to be dangerous leaving me alone in the farmhouse… I was joking around because I was given a job to use the putty to patch up holes left from the staff through the season and to repaint the walls when needed… and so I started to do this… and it’s an old farmhouse which is being well used and so it the furniture the entire space… and so I wanted to take the time to pay attention to the space. There was one room which had a hole cutout of the wall and had a blanket over it. And since I had been working at the manager’s house I knew we had material for me to cover the hole and not allow the air to come through… so they like to take pictures of what we are doing towards the job.. and when I sent the first message I also sent a picture of the patches I was doing in the a few rooms… and then I sent the picture of patching the hole… and the response was… oh I hope that’s easy to remove because that’s going to be a window… it was a summer project that didn’t get finished but the room is so hot so having a window will be nice…. But since it’s going to be shut down for winter… then it’s not a bad idea to cover it up… and I said yes it’s easy to remove… and so I continued… it was time to start painting and I was supposed to use the paint color warm Carmel… but I couldn’t find that particular color… there were several colors and some with a lot of paint but I asked if I should use the colors we already have or should I go buy the warm Carmel… and it was said to go and buy the particular shade. I was supposed to go to Walmart to grab the paint and it was late so I was going to buy it and he’d just reimburse me. So I went and they didn’t have that color… there was spray paint with that color but not interior paint… so I found a similar color and asked if I should buy transcend instead? And he said that it would be fine but to get two gallons so the rooms can be universal in color. And so I did and I started to paint that night… the next day in the mid day the manager came over to see what I was doing… he said that the founder asked him to check up on me… he’s afraid that I wasn’t doing the job he was asking me to do… and that I was trying to fix things that wasn’t asked of me… but when he saw me he saw that I was painting and that I had two rooms almost done.. and he said… well… it looks like you’re doing what he asked so cool… I’ll let him know. And I got a message from him saying that he’s grateful of all the love I’m showing the farmhouse right now… and I hearted his message… for a second i wanted to think… well why would he think that I wasn’t going to do what he wanted… and then I started to chuckle… and I said… well honestly it’s not like I didn’t think about doing much more than what he asked… hehe… I could see many things that I would do to fix up the space and get it ready but I decided to just focus on what he asked for because I didn’t have months to do all the things I would do… so I chuckled that intuitively he knew that I might have that tendency to do extra without permission and he’s true… and I’m more of a type to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. But I also had a feeling of how I work with the hoarders in my life… I can only do so much change before it’s really uncomfortable… and so I was thinking about that when I was painting and patching… there are three colors used in the rooms and I only focused on the two which was the transcend and white… the black walls which are the chalk walls I didn’t touch because it had writings and drawings on them… and they seemed very nice and hostel like and showed personality… and so I decided to not patch or paint those walls and I’m glad I didn’t because I think it helped him not have too many changes… I’m noticing me wanting to care and pay more attention to spaces while I’m there… they are getting well used and I feel grateful to have these spaces to have and experience inside them and with so many people and activities going on that sometimes they get a little neglected and so I really enjoy caring for them… and yes I wanted to spend even more time.. but it’s not my place to do so… even though I was thinking how would I treat this space if it was my space…and so it’s finding a balance right now. But yes… I could see in the past getting all worked up about him not trusting me to do what he asked… but I thought it was funny he read me so well… but I gained a little bit of his trust because I was doing what he asked and the rooms look great and now they are all universal in color which they were not before. And the second time that seemed like it would be a good time to get triggered… I handled it pretty well… he was being honest with me and he said he wasn’t sure if he was going to say something to me or not… but he thinks I might have a deodorant issue… hehe… and he started out by saying… are you the type who likes to be told if I have broccoli in my teeth type of person… I said ummm yeah…and then he was being very hesitant and then I said holy shit what? And then he said it… and I didn’t really know how to respond at that moment but I told him that I’m glad he said something. And I did feel a bit embarrassed that he said it… but again… a little bit later we were able to talk about it more… I told him that I did kind of warn everyone how I can get fixated on projects… I was by myself and there was one day I didn’t eat at all and then I kept getting up at 4ish in the morning to continue working because it was on my mind to get everything done… I wasn’t only working on the farmhouse I was also working at the manager’s house… and since I was sleeping at the farmhouse I could work on it night and early mornings… and so I was getting fixated… I could see myself doing it and I was trying to adjust but I wish I could do better but I wasn’t where I wish to be. But I was only bathing about every other day. I told him he surprised me when he wanted to make out with me too… yeah I did not take a shower before this session because I really didn’t think he was interested in me in that way really. It felt like he was treating me like everyone else.. and so I wish I had a clue that it was something he’d be interested in because yeah I would be better prepared… and I wouldn’t have approached this time to be a work week… I was getting paint on all my clothes and in my hair and I was waking up doing things over and over again… and so I was wearing myself out… when he said this to me… early that day in the meeting I said my ambition was to take a bath and rest for the entire afternoon… that’s what I knew I wanted because I wasn’t taking care of myself and wanted the afternoon to pamper myself. I mean we had group activities that didn’t give me the entire afternoon to myself but I did finally get an hour and a half to take a bath but I didn’t care if I was going to be late to the meeting… there’s so many schedules and I was putting so much on my plate that I didn’t want to miss meetings but when I take a bath and relax I want to take my time at it and not have to set a watch to make it to a meeting… hehe… yes I know I can be a bit spoiled but I like to spoil myself. And by the way… I did not go into this much detail when I was talking to him… but it’s the journaling process to express myself fully. But I even told him that I’m out of practice of trying to attract a partner as well… I’ve been trying to do the opposite and repel partners… hehe… he laughed and said I’m too pretty and nice to be able to do this… and I said well it’s not like I want to do this… I was just afraid to have to tell guys all the time that I wasn’t interested in them sexually… and so yes I’m not the best at being aware of my odors… but also it’s really a slow process for me to get use to a space and community too. It’s the third weekend for me to go and volunteer and visit and this is the first time I slept inside the farmhouse with the staff… I’m starting to get more comfortable so I’m opening and using more of the items there… an example is the kitchen equipment… it feels like I’m in a new space that isn’t mine so I don’t just go and act like this is my stuff to use… but eventually I’ll feel like it’s a space that is allowing me to do this. I mean they have a washer and dryer and this is the first time that I used it… this time I could see myself getting more comfortable and feeling like I can be a community member here. But anyway… bottom line is I want to smell good and I want to be attractive… and I’ll get better at this. So yeah… I was appreciative that he said something.. but I also was wondering if he took into consideration anything in context… it’s not like I was like this the other two times that I was here… I didn’t put that much responsibility on my plate and took much more time away from working and I am able to take baths and showers and it’s not a problem… so I was wondering if he noticed there might’ve been something different this time. Maybe not… but it was interesting how he acted once I was back from my shower though too. So we had already talked about the whole breakup sex thing with the scarves and rawness… and I thought it would be funny if I wore one of those scarves I mentioned… so I took a bath and was smelling fresh and clean… I put on even a little pheromone perfume and then I added a scarf around my neck… I was curious if he was going to say anything but when I got back to the farmhouse… I just made it back for the meeting which was the gratitude circle before dinner with a minute to spare… whew… which by the way is how most people arrive with a minute to spare or a few minutes after… but I made it and we did the circle and ate… and instead of him wanting to be closer… it seemed like he wanted to be farther away… but it did seem like he was also watching me more though too… so I’m not sure what was going on in his mind. I ended up giving the anniversary couple their second dance lesson and I was in deep with them because I absolutely love getting lovers closer together… I guess he was trying to get my attention before he left… but I didn’t know he was going to be leaving the farmhouse.. I thought he was just going to be staying in one of the rooms again.. but I got a message when I was done that said he tried to get my attention… I said well why didn’t you just come and get me? I asked if he would enjoy a little snuggling tonight and promising I won’t make noise so none of the staff which was one girl would become an audience… and that’s when he said that he left to go to his home. And I said oh.. ok… well I guess another time then… and this is when I really started to ask what the hell am I doing with this guy… why in the hell am I guided to explore this situation.. why is my body getting all squirmish and getting messages on how to approach this relationship… this is when I really said that I need to move this into a friendship zone for right now. I was trying to tell him this a few nights before because it just felt like we were connecting in a way… but nothing deep which again is understandable because he’s processing his breakup still… but this is not what I want from a romantic partner… I want to be romanced… I want to actually date… and that’s not what is happening… and since it’s not… I just want to approach it as a friendship… in fact today I even noticed that I don’t even want to approach a professional relationship with him right now. I was talking to my girl friend and my dad… and it was really apparent to me that I was getting along with the guests far more than expected… but that was because we really were interested in getting to know one another… we found time to have conversations with the two nights they were staying. They were curious about me and I was curious about them… it was a mutual curiousness.. and I’m not finding that with him right now. it seems like majority of the time he gets to hear me express it’s in these group setting in meetings when he asks great questions for the group to answer which have been amazing questions and great ways to get to know one another… but this seems to be the only time we’ve had to have deep conversation… we had a moment of an hour together where i was the squirmy girl… and we had a conversation after we had our make out session.. but even that one I initiated the conversation because it was something i wanted to address because of the importance it is to my life and how I live that I didn’t think he was comprehending… but yeah because he speaks indirectly to me… I find that that’s how I speak to him indirectly…. Through speaking with people around me… and that’s why I felt like he was watching much more at dinner and afterwards… because I think he noticed how comfortable I was with this anniversary couple… and again they loved to ask me questions that I could answer and ask them questions… and that’s when I asked if I could partner up with them in the sponsorship of their festival in front of him. I mention that I think we can work professionally together… but he’s never asked what I’ve meant by this. I feel like he thinks that I’m talking about being a laborer for him… and yeah I’m good at laboring but that’s not what I’m talking about… and since he hasn’t really brought this up… I feel like I’m pulling that off the table for now too… hehe… Again I hope we can work to friendship, professional, and romantic… but we need to just start at friendship… there’s too many red flags for me to jump into romance and professional…. We need time and space… and I’d like to see how this goes for us. I haven’t told him this is the move I’m making right now… but I will… he’s able to express his thoughts about me… and so I want to express my thoughts towards him as well. Did I say that I thought originally I was going to be going back the weekend after Thanksgiving with my girl friend? Well I was thinking about this … but I’ve decided to return the weekend after… yeah I think I did mention this… but I spoke to her and told her because I think it would be nice to just spend a few days as friends instead of staff… we’ll obviously volunteer some hours.. but just the three hours that’s required and nothing more. And yeah… there’s going to be a dinner party and I want to see who ends up showing… it’s the manager’s friends so I’m curious to see who shows up and looking forward to the conversations. I have a feeling that it might be possible once the hostel closes that there might be differences in our relationship and how we communicate… but maybe not… time will tell. But yeah… I wanted to get this out since I was thinking about it. My cat is laying on my chest snoring and its so soothing… I want to sleep as well. So I’ll leave it like this for now… until next time… enjoy and good night

Alright… what a week… hehe… where to even begin… well let’s just say I think I have a better idea of where I am right now… at this moment. I think I’m rushing into the romantic life… I don’t think that’s where we are right now. And I’m interested in building a relationship, but more on the friendship and professional side of things. It’s funny because I mentioned this to him and he said that the romantic and vulnerable side is something that comes easy for him.. but I don’t feel romance coming from him. I’m not even sure if I see the vulnerability either. I see the honesty and I see him being friendly and we even had a hot make out sessions… however, the “romance” isn’t what I feel right now… I feel distance. I mean I thought I was going to have to seduce him because he’s friendly with everyone and so I thought he was just being friendly with me and was surprised when he started the make out session with me. I mean I had a lot of fun and it was very exciting… but ultimately I think he’s keeping me a secret… which makes sense since we’re new to one another… but how romantic and vulnerable is a secret… hehe… so what was I learning this week? I saw that it’s still a challenge for me to balance work and rest… I found myself alone at the farmhouse for a few days and I had a project that I could work on… and I got hooked into it. There are six rooms here at the farmhouse for the staff and I patched holes and repainted the rooms. I am also challenged when I’m around so much activity. When there are many people who are at the house… it’s hard for my mind to stay focused. I find when I go to the library which is a separate home on the property I can take a bath and have silence…. It feels really good to have stillness and I wanted to take advantage of that much more than I did. I got fixated into the project… and I do this at times especially when I’m working on artwork. I get so deep into the project that I don’t eat or sleep… and I got into that zone… I wanted to finish the rooms and stayed longer to do this… also to have more time to spend with him since he was traveling quite a bit. We actually spoke about things we get fixated on and I mentioned this… and then I saw myself doing it. And there was a day that I didn’t eat when I was alone… and I kept waking up early to continue the project.. I’d do the other projects with the group and in the afternoon… but I was doing quite a bit and I just like to get things done and once I start a project I’d like to finish it. So… I finally asked to take a half day off to rest a bit and also I knew I wasn’t taking care of my hygiene and so I wanted to pamper myself… and we had a slow start to the day… and then we ended up hanging out by going shopping and the young staff member is learning how to drive so we let her practice on the country roads… it was fun… but also I was tired and wanted to get a few projects that I wanted to complete and then again… pamper and rest… however, by being part of the community I was able to eventually but not in the pace I would have chosen if I was by myself. I’d like to figure out how to be in this type of space but also being in a more free form of movement of activity… there are some schedules that seems to get me to pressure myself instead of just going with the flow. I understand that this is something I’m working on but I”m wondering how much I’m going to bend? I also noticed that the guests that were visiting seemed to draw my attention far more than anticipated. I was very interesting… I’m very into hospitality… world class hospitality… and this isn’t a strong concern for this hostel it seems… it’s almost as if this community doesn’t engage much with guests. They will have dinner with them and have gratitude circle with them before dinner… and if they are around for our morning head and heart then the guests can participate… which are great moments to introduce guests to the community life style. But I hear comments about not really our responsibility to entertain the guests… which again at the time I appreciated however… the guests were really interesting and I couldn’t stop myself from hanging out with them and wanting to know more… and three of the six guests I ended up exchange contact information. And I can see myself hanging out with them more than the people at the hostel… interesting… it seems like the guests were far more interested in getting to know who I am as well… it felt good… and even felt like I was finding more community with the guests than with the hostel family… I mean I’m gaining community in both areas really… but I am finding myself getting into the nurturing mode with the hostel community… I want to clean and organize and work a lot… there’s a lot of projects going on and the winter it closes… so I wanted to make things progress at an efficient rate. Most of the staff is warn out at the end of the season so I can come in with fresh energy to help in this area… and I see the appreciation… but there seems to be a little space between us. We’re getting closer but it still feels like there’s a gap… and I wasn’t feeling like that with the guests. The first guest that really caught my eye was a woman around my age who recently became homeless by leaving her boyfriend. I didn’t ask her permission to talk about all the things.. but let’s just say in the first half hour she mentioned “llamas”, “peacocks”, and “ayahuasca” without me telling anything about myself…. Hehe… I was like what the hell… ok… well let’s get to know her. And she’s an amazing woman and I do want to get to know her more… but she deeply needed to rest and ground herself. And so she wanted to contribute but she paid to be a guest so I told her to take this time to relax and rest.. and ground… and she did and she felt so much better when she left. We went roller skating together and it was fun… I hadn’t skated for years now and it was rough start… but it was fun to see her in her element. Next time I hang out with her I’ll see if I can say more about our conversations… But I had a feeling and so did she that we were attracted to meet one another here and now… and she’s been doing her spiritual work… of course there’s areas she’s not ready to address… but she’ll get there. There’s another couple who is here for their anniversary… and I really clicked with them. I didn’t get their permission either but I just want to mention that I ended up teaching them how to dance with each other and they absolutely loved it.. and so did I… they did really great and the woman said she had two left feet and admitted it was all in her head… and she did wonderfully.. he was really good from the start… they’re great! They hold festivals in their front yard in an area in Indy which is known for live music and local artists… so we spoke a lot about this. I told them that I’d love to help them find sponsors for their event in June… and supposed to start asking businesses in January when they get their money for the year and they can allocated it for donations… and I said I’d love to learn how to do this… and they’re just learning as well… so they said yes they’d love that. They also said they’d love for me to be the mc for the festival… I said we’ll see… I’m good at performing and entertaining… I’m not afraid to speak to big crowds… but I”m really good at the back of the house type of things… and that’s what I’d like to learn too. I actually performed a song I was working on… I recently said that I want my mindset to change to being a musician instead of wanting to learn music more… there are some breakthrough moments with music and instruments for me… and so I’m just going to keep attracting more of these moments… It was fun to play and sing for them… But yeah… they’ll be leaving tomorrow and so will I… so I’m looking forward to seeing them before we all head out. Such a sweet couple! Alright who am I kidding… I want to get to my reaction to how I was responding to my potential romantic interest… I did get his permission to speak about what has gone down with us as long as I don’t link him… so where do I begin? So I already said that I told him that I’d like to have conversations with him to get to know him more… and we do but not really… in this environment… it doesn’t allow privacy and I”m not sure he wants to have privacy with me right now anyway. We did have one night of privacy without staff members which is why we had our sexual play encounter.. but again I didn’t know it was going to happen. He is very affectionate with all the people. So there wasn’t any indication that his affection towards me was any different than the affection he shares with someone else. Is this what he considers romantic? I feel like it’s just his nature… I didn’t see it as romantic… when I think of romance that it’s something that seems to be a bit extra than normal conduct. Only when we were by ourselves did there become something extra… and I’m not sure if that was romantic either. It was sexy, but not romantic… I mean in a way it had a romantic flare to it… because he was extremely patient and wasn’t rushing any of our time together… but his confidence was sexy and I know I loved what was going on… but I was a bit surprised and I did feel like I was holding back a little… I’m not sure if it’s because it’s just such a new thing.. or if it’s because we really haven’t had much time together to get to know one another still.. and so there’s a connection.. but not the type of connection I want to be romantic. But again I was loving what he was doing and it was sexy… and of course I have these feelings for him and so I didn’t want to stop what we were doing and wanted to see where it was going to lead. Most of the time I wasn’t thinking of the destination which was good… but I did find myself starting to think about it the closer we got to possible intercourse… again in my head I was wondering if I was going to go for the penetration or not… well… long story short… I did allow him to penetrate me…and even then I didn’t know that’s where it was going because the entire time we were playing and so I thought it was just going to continue… hehe… but all of a sudden we were there and I enjoyed it and I don’t feel bad about it.. but I started to ask if this is really what I wanted to do at the moment? There was a moment that I thought I was just going to break it off with him because he’s not really ready to take anything serious with me… and I asked him to pound my pussy so hard that it’s raw so she can get out some wild expression and be satisfied for awhile because who knows when I’ll have sex again… hehe… I told him that I found some scarves for props and let’s just see where it goes and we can focus on just being friends and business team… and he didn’t want to at the hostel and asked me to come to his house instead after the weekend. I am not available… I’ve been gone for a week and I want to get back to my cat and also find some rest that I haven’t been able to find successfully here at the hostel. But again… that’s the only time he invited me to his home… if we are going to be engaging in sexual play… it’s not like he’s asked me on a date… yeah… we aren’t dating right now… hehe… and so yes I”m rushing all of this. And it doesn’t seem like I’m putting him in a good light… but he’s very sweet and charismatic and an all-around great guy… but I’m just wondering why I was getting all these messages about him… hehe… what really is there about him that is making me want to explore him more? Right now I feel like his heart is unavailable… and my heart wants to explore this… but the make out session we didn’t even stay in the same bed… and I hear his voice in the morning in my dreams… I guess that’s a way to say it… I wasn’t really dreaming about him.. I just heard his voice come out and it sounded like, “slow down sib”… and I was like sib? Maybe it was sis? Anyway… it was him saying slow down… or it was me saying it regardless.. it was saying I was rushing things.. and it was too late to slow down on having sex with him. But yes… right now I want to slow down and even almost halt with going forward romantically. I thought originally that I was going to be coming down the Friday after Thanksgiving… but I think I’m going to wait until the following weekend after the hostel is closed. The current manager is having a dinner party and he wants to play the Chicken game which is the sexual group play. I want to bring my girl friend down to check out the hostel and she’s interested in playing this game.. so maybe I’ll just come for that event instead of spending an entire week here again. Plus I’m not sure who is all going to be involved.. but yeah… I want to play around and get attention that isn’t so secretive… and I’m not ready to have sex again and so I just want to have sexual play with people who just want to have fun with everyone. So that sounds more of where I am right now. I know that’s two weeks away but at this moment that’s what I”m tentatively planning for. I’ve got a diversity drum circle event tomorrow that I’m excited about. There’s several cultures who will be demonstrating their dance, drumming, outfits, and instruments… and I’ve done this a few times now and I enjoy myself fully when I’m there… so I’m looking forward to participating and hoping to get a lot of video footage… they’re going to want me to participate and I’m hoping I can find a balance to do both. There are going to be drummers there that I want to speak with… I’m hoping to join drum circles again. The drum troupe I was playing with the last time I was here is having practice on Tuesday next week and so I’ll go and see them too which I’m looking forward to playing with them and visiting with them again… great people! I’m also wanting to figure out when I’m going to visit the guy who is an app builder who I want to ask questions about the difference between the capabilities of a website to an app… and he’s wanting to have a conversation to see if he can help. But there is a conversation I ended up having with the romantic interest that I want to mention real quick… I’ve been trying to tell him that I’ve crossed over into the Awakening… he isn’t understanding what I’m saying and I”m trying to make it plain as day… and I think I finally got through to him but of course he doesn’t believe me. Which again is understandable… but it was a good conversation and I said i’t’s not fair that I want to be so expressive and upfront with him… when normally I would take my time and see where he’s at before blabbing everything out. But I also was thinking about how someone would feel when hearing this… well I can understand that holy shit this chick is crazy… but what if they actually question… what if she’s telling the truth? What would go through their minds if they ask that question… should that make a difference? Ideally I’d think it shouldn’t however I feel like there is a quite a bit of difference though. I’m not sure what all I can express at this time… because I have gotten messages to not express my dreams at this time… and to hold off and so I’m guessing that’s with this forum and to anyone at this time… I just give bits and pieces and not the entire scope. lol… not that I can get to the entire scope… I thought of a way to explain it but I think it’s to drastic for most to handle and I’d just have negative energy against my visions that I should just keep to myself and express things that people can find digestible. But when it comes to a partner I want to have… what would it be like for them? What was I thinking when I was telling him this and thoughts afterwards? I was telling him there’s going to be huge changes.. and I have a feeling that monetary growth is going to be a part of this.. and I wonder why do I want a partner who would want to be engaged with me romantically before this happens? Why do I want to make sure that the monetary concerns isn’t a part of the relationship that is such a factor to make or break us… In my mind… if we don’t connect or start to connect deeply romantically before than there’s something in my mind that will question the intentions behind motivations. I mean… messages are changing and more strong lately… but it always seems this way too… but it does seem to be noticeable changing and deepening… and I’m almost to the point of allowing my higher self checkmating me. No one will get this reference unless you’ve been reading from the beginning… but I know that eventually I want my higher self to check mate me… and instead of my higher self just doing it immediately… it slowly allows me to set myself up to be in the position of… yes I’m ready for transformation… I”m ready to receive and I’m ready to fly. It’s getting late and I’m trying to bullet my thoughts so I can give a bit of context of what went down… and so I do want to mention that I was helping store and inventory of the event equipment here.. and it looks like that have enough for around 140 people… he said that they had a 200 guest wedding there and so I was thinking about my 25 year reunion this year… and I think it would be a fun idea to have an adult summer camp for the reunion. I just started thinking about this maybe with the past 30 hours.. but I was thinking that I could probably talk to my high school and see what I can do to rent a few buses for the event. Our hometown is three hours away and I think it would be cool to get people back into the vibe of school days by taking a bus down to the hostel… even though I don’t drink… I was thinking of having a party bus feel but not crazy partying because i don’t really want to encourage sloppy drunkenness… I’m going to see how to legally do this.. but my bus driver actually had a son who graduated with me… and I think I’d talk to her and see if she has someone else she would refer to hire as the bus drivers for the event and invite them to join in on the festivities… I loved her and she’d have a blast. I’m not sure if I’m going to allow a family event or adults only… I might even have one day for family and one for adults? I’m not sure.. but there are quite a bit of activities around this hostel and I think it would be a blast dropping of a bus of adults to different places and people could possibly have one drink an hour type of thing… again they can drink but not excessively and also say that we will ask them to leave the event if it gets out of hand. I’m going to encourage not to bring your own alcohol.. but I’d like to pay for everything.. we’ll see if that’s what happens but I would love for everyone to come… they helped shaped our character and I appreciate all of them and they all played a role…and I’d love to celebrate and party with them. I gave them options of where to go last time for our 15 year, but this time I’m just going to tell him that we’re going to go here… and then there are choices of what activities they want to participate in… it’s fun here at the hostel.. but yeah there’s diverse activities around as well. I thought maybe I’d have a bus that would only stay one night in case people cannot stay the entire time… but I’d love to have the entire weekend with everyone and limit the vehicles that are on property… I want it to be whatever happens will stay there… and really see if we can relax and enjoy everyone’s company…. I’m really getting excited to plan this event out for everyone in our class. I think the summer would be the best time to take advantage of the clay lagoon which is clothing optional… and the buses should be more available since it’s not during school sessions. So anyway I just wanted to mention this so I don’t forget and be able to build on this… I’m wanting to send out a message soon to the class to give them a heads up that the plans are starting… and give them some dates to choose from so people have what six months to plan in advance and able to get time off and/or watch the kids. But yes… I’m exhausted and cannot wait to melt when I get back home with Elvis… so I’m going to wrap this up… until next time… enjoy and have a great night… by the way I’m surprised I didn’t go into detail about the sex play…hehe… it was very fun… but I guess it’s something I don’t want to share… hmmm

Interesting… for the last two mornings I’ve been waking up with my shirt around my wrists… I’m at the hostel and we’ve been making fires for our heat… in the night I’m getting hot so I start to strip but it seems like when I take off my shirt I’m not taking it completely off… I’ve been keeping it around my wrists and I’m just falling asleep before I take remove it. And I’m waking up thinking about my romantic interest… it’s almost as if I’m thinking about how much I trust or want to work to trust him completely. I guess I was thinking about the situation I was in when I was younger and I had an older cousin who was treating me in appropriately… but the main issue was feeling like I had no control.. I had no control but it was a situation that the person I was encountering was not a safe space and wasn’t allowing me to express myself openly… he was taking away my consent. And maybe in my head I have something inside that wants to give consent even though there’s an impression of loss of control. I’m just wondering if this is something I’d be interesting in trying it out. I’m not sure if he’s interested in rope play… but maybe because I was speaking with a couple who do enjoy it and I also so photography of this kind of play… maybe it’s triggering a desire for me. I was thinking about this… because I don’t think it’s very attractive in the appearance of someone who is tied up… that doesn’t really excited me sexually… but as I think about this… what I think is sexy is the trust that goes into allowing this… I could see myself doing this as a way to demonstrate the trust I have in my partner. It’s like whatever you do… I trust you. And I’m not certain why ropes or getting tied up is a part of my psyche… but it’s something I’m waking up to. So I just wanted to address it and think about it a bit more. Again… the look of someone who is tied up doesn’t really look aesthetically pleasing to me… and I even thought that if I was to be tied up… I’m not sure if I’d like to use a rope… I see aerial acrobats with silks and that’s beautiful for me… so yes I’d like to get tied up but probably with items that are aesthetically beautiful and also tacitly comfortable or soothing on my skin. I’ve done a little tying in the bedroom… but not much… but I use like silky ties… it feels good on the skin.. there was a partner that would like me to tie him up… so yeah he trusted me and I don’t remember if I enjoyed tying him up really… I just remember that he enjoyed it and I wanted to do things he wanted to try in the bedroom… I remember we tied multiple ties together and he asked if I could do a little asphyxiation to him… So what we ended up doing was tying a tie around his neck… we looped the ties over the clothes rack bar and I pulled down slightly on the ties to get it to tighten around his neck and again get that sensation he was looking for… and I went down on him while i was doing this. I remember the action of this but again I don’t really remember if I enjoyed it, but he enjoyed this. So yeah… I guess there seems to be a desire to try this out but I’m not sure to what extent. What I was thinking this morning is there’s a combination inside me that is wanting to reach a state of complete surrender and trust and so my psyche is suggesting to use rope or being tied up… but with someone who I trust and has created a safe space for me… I don’t think this is the only way but it might be more of an extreme way for me to be ok with losing control within a safe space. Which is what I continue to work on with the Universe… and maybe I can do this with my romantic partner to allow full surrender… again this might be all symbolic which will just be fine with me… but also it might be something I want to work towards. There is something else that I was thinking which again might be triggering when I saw photos of people suspended in the air all tied up. Again… looking at this didn’t really get me excited or aroused… however, sensory deprivation is coming up to mind… I’ve been interested in caving because I’ve heard about opportunities to experience sensory deprivation. When I was in the space it was obvious to lose my visual senses… and I ended up seeing light and at times no blackness at all… but I could still hear all the sounds of the water moving… a few squeaks from the bat near by… I also could feel my weight sitting or lying on the ground… so it wasn’t total sensory deprivation.. however I thought if I was floating in water inside a cave would help this sensation. Similar to a float tank… but I guess I have a feeling that this suspension could help with sensory deprivation of weight… along with blindfolds and earplugs… so yes trying ways to experience total sensory deprivation sounds so enticing. Something is calling for me to experience this. And I’m wondering how this will come through.. I saw these pictures of women mostly tied up and suspended… but I mean I also think about learning about vertical climbing of ropes and that was keeping me suspended… but i do remember I felt the weight around my harness that was holding my body up. But I’ve also known in the past that there are some sex swings I saw… Never used but thought it would be something I’d enjoy… being weightless and easy for my partner to hold me up… actually they wouldn’t have to hold me up but we could do positions that might not be doable without a swing.. I don’t know it’s something that I woke up thinking about so I thought I’d start with this before recalling what’s been going on these past few days since arriving to the hostel. So… Thursday I left around 6:15 ish… to get to the hostel… I was trying to get there early so I could actually help with the projects they’re doing and also get as much time as I could to be with my romantic interest before he left. He told me he was going to be gone for the weekend but would be able to see me Thursday and most likely Monday night or Tuesday when he gets back. I planned on staying until Tuesday so we’ll see how things play out. But everyone was surprised I made it for the head and heart meeting. The founder wasn’t there in person he was driving and was on a video chat while we were talking about the morning expression of how our head and heart is feeling… I was expressing my head is running thoughts of a project that I’ve been thinking about… I’ve started reaching out to people who might be able to direct me or even join me to get this project going… I’m curious if this is the right time… I didn’t go into detail of the project but this community network website and app is what I was thinking about. And I said that my heart is grateful that I’m starting to listen without always questioning every step. And I said for my personal ambitions I wanted to play the piano and also wanted to dance. I said I’d love to teach anyone who might want to learn partner dancing and I was implying the manager and the girl staff member who are the staff at this time… The founder was going to be leaving so I knew he wouldn’t be joining us… but if any or both would be interested I’d love to share that with them… but if not… I just want to dance sometime today. The founder has a question of the day at the end of the meeting and he asked if there is something that’s going on in our lives that no body here would know about. And the class reunion popped into my mind… I said I just realized a few nights ago that it’s going to be 2025 and it will be our 25 year high school reunion… I had wanted to do a reunion for this and I had forgotten about it… and since I was class president I want to start making plans to host a wonderful reunion. He asked me if I knew what I was going to do… I said I hadn’t yet… but now I’m going to be looking for ideas… last time I gave them two options and they chose the bar and drinking one.. and so this time I’m not certain I’ll give any options and just choose the event I want to host and hope they enjoy themselves. He asked… are you going to give them all psychedelics? I said I’m very picky with whom I share ceremony with… so I wouldn’t be considering it… and he said you could be giving them the psychedelics but don’t have to participate with them…and then I said I’m not a distributor either… I’m out a dealer… and he said he was just joking… and I said I realize that you’re just joking… but ceremony isn’t something I wouldn’t like to relate it to a joke, because it’s not a joke and it’s transformative. This reminds me of a brief occasion that he called Aya a drug. I didn’t address it but it did give me a hint that maybe he’s uncomfortable with “drugs”… which isn’t what I wold call Aya or many psychedelics… but I hope we get time to talk about it. The thing he said that we wouldn’t know about him is that he’s been telling everyone he’s taking a week off once the hostel is closed… but he’s been thinking about it and is going to take an entire month off… and the Pacific Northwest seems to be calling to him. And I was happy to hear he’s going to take time for himself… said good for you… he deserves to self care and relax… I mean he has three months off… take as long as he needs without putting a timeline on it. As much as I’d like to spend time with him on his break… i also know that our time will come when it comes and if he needs solitude to get to where he needs to open up to us more…then do what you gotta do babe. that’s funny actually I almost called him a pet name while we were working… I caught myself but i did think that was unusually and a little startling that I was wanting to call him a pet name and we’ve barely spent time together and yes we haven’t been talking about pet names… he just happened to be talking to me from another room and I was telling him ok I’ll do it… but was about to call him I can’t remember if it was babe, baby, honey… something of this nature but I stopped myself before it came out. So yes… we had a break after the meeting to eat breakfast and stuff before we actually go as a group to work on the project. So he was able to join us at this time and we were going to the manager’s house to continue remodeling. I’ve learned that I need time in a space to get a feel for what the project is and what’s the expectation of quality… so I’ve been here a few times now and I can feel myself more comfortable in the space…and we actually spent most of the day here. The founder and I seemed to be more willing to do this type of work… we did it a bit longer than the other two. But we all worked on the house and it continues to feel and look better each time I visit. The founder is all work when he gets in there and I am too… we find a few moments to have some privacy and I’m trying to see how I responde to him.. but there is a bit of hesitancy and awkwardness but I was able to figure out… and I told him later when we were together… I’m extremely attracted to him; however, I don’t really know him.. so my mind needs to understand the attraction… the more I have conversations with him and the more I’m just around him.. the more I understand and enjoy myself and able to show my affection more. I’m definitely needing privacy to show affection but I feel like it’s getting better. The girl staff member saw me hugging him from behind while he was sitting and she came in to let us know something… and I stood up… not abruptly but I stood up and she said that I don’t need to stop… and I said thank you I understand but I enjoy privacy right now to show my affection. Again… I’m just observing how I am right now and I find it interesting. Let’s see… I was hanging curtains which looker really nice with beads and draping going on… and then I was mixing old paints that didn’t have much left to make it’s only color to use for the laundry room. I didn’t paint that day just mixed the paint to get it ready. Mostly we were working on electrical projects… removing the old fixtures and placing new ones up. He noticed how much I enjoy myself and told him a little more about me studying interior design, architecture, and art in college… i haven’t had too many opportunities to actually build but I found a master carpenter who has let me him in projects… an old school mountain builder… I asked how he got into remodeling and it started when he bought an old Lutheran church in Indy and remodeled it so it was an event for weddings and specifically for his wedding photography business he was in. He said he didn’t have money to hire people to remodel… so he did it himself and he enjoyed it. He has this hostel and so he’s been building here and continues to learn more… I’ve done a little electrical but he showed me how to do the things he needed.. and yes I do enjoy how thorough he is in his explanation but he started to get the idea that he didn’t have to go through all the details he’s used to explaining to his volunteer and said I’m sure you actually understand..and so it was nice to see us working as a team..and I do enjoy being around him. I think I noticed that he saw me a bit hesitant with him, but when I was talking to the girl staff that it seemed like we were more friendly with one another.. which makes sense to me… because I’ve been spending more time with her while I’m here then getting the chance to spend with my romantic interest. This is why I wanted to come on a weekend where there wasn’t an event hoping there would be more opportunity to share together. But again I can’t explain how intuitive he is.. so he just started to ask me more questions and establishing a rapport and I wasn’t so hesitant and however much I want to touch and be physically attentive towards him… I also feel myself holding back because he’s still processing his separation…and so there’s a part of me saying that’s it’s not time to truly surrender to him… wait but not being cold about it… being warm but also communicating that we haven’t actually officially going on in with each other. Without going into great detail of the entire day… we worked until the evening and headed back to the farmhouse. I was surprised he had stayed this long… I thought he would be leaving sooner and he thought he was too… but he’s enjoying his time and felt like he wanted to continue enjoying it. So it was the three of us who were at the farmhouse this evening.. the manager lives at the manager’s house so he didn’t join us after we shared the gratitude circle.. he wasn’t feeling social. the founder said he’s willing to stick around and doing something with us.. but it seemed like people were leaving and girl staff was going to sleep but when he said he’d stick around a little longer she was interested in hanging out. She’s 19 and she was homeless before getting here. Her grandmother told her about this hostel through word of mouth… and she applied and was doing interviews with the founder… and he was close to her location and asked if she’s wanting to join he’d love to have her… he’s driving by Wisconsin so he’ll pick her up and take her to the hostel if she’s ready. And so they came back together. She’s going to do her three months here and I can see how amazing he’s been in her life. He’s a safe space and she was looking for that and wasn’t getting much support from her family she said… so… I was trying to allow space for them… Again I understand how magnetizing he is and how people want his attention.. he’s been trying to line up work opportunities for her so she can get to her next volunteer job in Asheville. He was able to find people who need things done around and are willing to pay her for her help… some donated money… anyway he got off the phone with one of them and so I started cooking my dinner and just taking me time in doing it.. it was in a different room and so they could talk with one another without me hovering over them… plus I was tying not to listen in even though I did hear a little bit…they’re very playful together.. such a sibling vibe or even parental but very respectful and fun. I finally joined them so I can eat at the table. He bought her a used vehicle so she can drive to Asheville and is giving her time to pay him back.. but she loves the car and wants to decorate it.. I have pillows I’m going to be giving her and hoping to help decorate however she seems to do most of the work. She asked me what i wanted to do… and I said I’d love to dance… that’s one of my personal ambitions today… and I still want to… she said she doesn’t have the energy to dance and I said it doesn’t have to be an energetic dance.. and maybe the founder will join us since he’s here… you guys can partner up and I can teach. So we were talking a little bit and he said he wasn’t feeling like dancing either… and he started to go into more detail and I think we ended up alone while he was expressing this. He said that last two months he’s been partner dancing… it was like a last attempt for his exe to reestablish our connection and he wasn’t finding it very fun. He said he’s tried to partner dance a few times now and each time he wants to be hopeful that he’ll enjoy himself but gets let down… he said he wants to either fully enjoy the music and/or fully enjoy his partner… and he doesn’t experience this with dance lessons in person or online. I was able to explain to him how passionate I am about dancing and how I was a ballroom instructor… he wanted to know the dish and just letting him know how much I enjoyed helping gain confidence with singles and couples… letting couples know whether they’re still wanting to make themselves work as a team or not…just a lot… I’m very passionate about dance and if anyone has read any of my stuff I go into details and rambles about how much I love dancing…and he noticed my passion it’s hard to miss when I get a chance to talk about it. We were talking about the desire and time to actually dance leads to confident good dancers… anyway… I ended up telling him that I’ve been wanting to come up with a new way to teach dance that doesn’t have patterns. I realize patterns are an easy way to build confidence if confidence is what people are looking for.. but I want to teach more intuitively. He said continue…and I said well that’s about as fas as I’ve gotten… I haven’t had a partner to practice this idea on… it’s just a thought at this time. I was looking in his eyes and said I would love to dance with you.. no expectations… we don’t have to have music I’ll just listen to you and your body. He said this evening would not be the time he would like to dance with me… but he will one day. Actually this morning I got a message from him saying that he will dance with me… made me feel good when i woke up…and I responded i will love that… whenever he is ready… and whenever he wants to really surrender to our romantic partnering exploration… we’re both hesitant but open… he was driving to New York and it was late but he reassured me that he’ll drive until he can’t and he’ll pull over and rest…he has a bed setup in the back of his car because he’s use to traveling… and it's not a problem to rest when he needs to… I do notice myself in nurture mode when I’m with him… I’m keeping myself in check though because I don’t want it to feel I like mothering.. because I trust him… I just want to make sure he’s not too careless with endangering himself… like I have any room to talk because I’m pretty confident and many say careless… but I just trust myself in many ways and I can see this in him too. I just feel like I want to promote self care as much as possible to him. And it does seem like he takes time for himself… but I also feel like there’s just so many thoughts and projects on his mind… I really wonder how much time is in silence and not doing anything? I know the more I’m around him th more I’ll get a better picture of how I can assist…. I know he enjoys me around as well… my energy is inviting and comforting when energies are aligned…. Why is this happening at the moment? It’s because we’ve both been doing the work… and our energies recognize this and wants us to share happiness and joy with one another… the Universe will get the opportunity to experience love and life through us and I’m looking forward to see what it is like as well. After he left for New York.. it was me and the girl staff left alone. We were hanging out and I told her I’d still love to dance… if she wanted to dance with me… she didn’t want it to be energetic and I said I’ll keep it slow… and she said she’d give it a try. We were building a fire together and I was setting up the mood with slow blues music.. and turning off most of the lights and dimming lights… she knew of lights hanging that reacted to sound and would change colors… so yeah it was really nice and we started dancing. She hasn’t had much experience with partner dancing… however, she was amazing at it… she was following and not try to lead… only a few moments did she and she caught herself… I told her if there’s two people trying to lead it becomes a wrestling match… but what i didn’t say… is when I feel her lead… then I’ll let her… no intentional wrestling when I share dance. But it was quite a magical moment for the both of us. Again she’s 19 and we’ve been able to get to understand a little more about ourselves. The last time i was here there were three of us girl staff and she said that she thinks she’s a lesbian. she’s not sure because she got hurt real heavy with her boyfriend so she might just be traumatized right now… but she feels more comfortable and safe with women. And so I also wanted to show her I’m a safe space as well. She actually has two energies… both masculine and feminine who are a safe space for her… and care about her… she’s got trust issues too and letting her guard down is something she’s working on like all of us… and it’s nice to see how well we moved and communicated with the music. She said she really enjoyed herself and was grateful we danced… I reciprocated the same feelings I’m just more verbally expressive about it. I encouraged her to continue learning and practicing… because she’s got it going on…hehe… she did so well intuitively that I did move to a few different patterns and she picked everything up so well.. but we were both getting tired.. I headed upstairs for the first time to sleep in a room in the farmhouse instead of sleeping in the van. I did pick up a ukelele however to just tune it and learn a few notes… I downloaded an app for free for 7 days…and I ended up playing for at least an hour… it was so fun and easy compared to a guitar… just the size of it is so much easier to handle.. but also the strings seem easier to press down as well. I love all the instruments here.. I love having access! Ok… I feel like I’m getting sleepy again… I went to bed early around 9:30 … slept six hours… but I have time to take another rest for a few hours before waking up waking up for the day… ok… until next time… enjoy

Ok… so I just got off a video chat with a friend I met in a karaoke bar in Utah… It was funny because our group entered the bar and was showing our IDs and he was on stage singing “Creep” by Radiohead… he was doing a fabulous job and I thought right away if I do a duet tonight i’m going to ask if he’ll join me. And that’s exactly what I did… I approached him and his friend and we all went to the patio so I could smoke while we got to know one another. I was asking him if he knew the song “Crusin’ Together” by Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow… holy crap.. I was going to help my dad outside real quick and I was so excited I jumped to type… hehe… I’ll be back.. Alright… I’m back… and I’m so excited to write about my ideas but also there’s a part of me that’s wondering how much should I be sharing… I’m trying to gather a team to start working on the building website sites and application and cyber security side of things… I’m just wondering if someone has the means if they’d want to go ahead and do it before we get the chance? I mean I was looking at some of these places that deal with volunteers and they aren’t going to approach it the way I’d like to approach it… so even if I tell everyone my ideas… it’s not like I would want to compete with anyone… I’d probably ask to collaborate together… the more people taking a look at this from different angles is exactly what I would love to have happen to try to create something more holistically than one person’s view. So… let’s just give it a go. So back to the story… he did not know that song but he said he’d give it his best attempt…. He never sings songs without practicing but with my enthusiasm… he’s going to give it a try and we had fun attempting our first duet together…. We met up again at the temple to have a chat and that’s when I found out he was in the cyber security field. We spoke about many things but I didn’t ask his permission to discuss personal details so I’ll have to do that some other time maybe. But I think I mentioned a few days back that my girl friend who was a ballroom instructor with me wants to do cyber security and I gave her his information, but she hadn’t reached out yet. So I apologized to him that she got distracted and might be a little shy because she wishes she knew the answers she’s going to ask him. I told him I have a project that I want to start where I want people to be completely vulnerable with themselves and everyone who would have access to their information.. If we have cyber security in mind from the get go this might help people feel more comfortable doing this… and since I want to be as intentional as possible I’m going to see how much I can push them out of their comfort zones… this is where the real magic is… but also I would like this to be a recommendation or referral program to where we see the pros and cons of each person… but also see how they are developing… What I would describe myself ten years ago is not the same as I would describe myself now… and people’s opinions have changed I’m sure as well… and honestly I’m not a people pleaser anymore so it might be presumed I’m not as nice anymore but really I respect myself more and value myself and energy… but these things might not have the chance to be recognized from a brief encounter… so anyway… he told me his credentials of over twenty years experience…and his list includes working with Stanford University, Facebook on a global security project and NASA… I was like holy shit ok… I’m glad I’m talking to you about this then… seems like you know your shit… hehe… but I wasn’t really prepared… i was babbling and we happened to be free so we did a video chat… but I’m going to send him an email that will give him more information about what I’m looking to start and what questions I have for him. I know that when I say I want people to give their information I was hoping somehow this could help people from around the world to travel to different countries so recruiting volunteers or communities could be possible and help them get their visas to travel.. and when they’re in a new country how to get SIM cards, transportation… just make it as simple as we can. So I thought… let’s go journal about it and see if I can get better paragraphs out to him instead of my rambling chaotic manner i write. Hehe… this reminds me of the conversation I had with my potential romantic interests I had earlie… well hell might as well get that off my chest too. So I’ll keep it brief as I can because I didn’t get his permission to spill the details but I’ll definitely express my side of things but again not in too much detail…. Hehe I’ll try my best too. So I was in a state of limbo right now… After seven years of not being in a relationship in person mostly with a imaginary idea of an Australian man who I’d been having messages for the four years with … he’s not imaginary but the ideal of him was imaginary… he wasn’t reciprocating mutual feelings except at the beginning and he was not a safe space to express my feeling to and pretty much he thought I needed to see a psychiatrist because I was expressing my feeling for him honestly. I wasn’t really ready to jump all in and so I was holding onto something that would actually help me stay celibate and learn to love and respect myself and not to mention focus to be in the Awakening… so thank you for that.. but now I’m ready to go all in full blown vulnerability and expressing my crazy to see whom I might attract. Well.. my body was communicating that there seems to be a gentleman I reconnected with after five years. I only knew him for about a week visiting his hostel and the rest has been random FB posts that we’d see… His posts were attracting my attention and so before I arrived to Indiana I planned to visit with him. This is a broken record but I don’t know how much context I need to be including before I just go with it… I can’t find a way to find anything I’ve been able to say on here without having to go through all of it… so I figured if people don’t want to read through all of my entries.. I can give a little summary. So long story short my body was showing me how extremely unusual I am when I am speaking to him specifically because of an attraction that seems to be far more deeper than I’ve had with anyone else I had spoken with in person. So… I fumbled and bumbled around with words but I got it out to him that I was attracted to him more than friendship or business partnership… what I didn’t know when I told him this is that he was going through a breakup with one of his current partners… they had been together for over a year and none of us were prepared for the attraction and even though I’d like to explore this with him.. he needs time to process his feelings. He doesn’t really know me from Eve… and so we also have the work trade volunteer boss relationship going too. So I’m going to help tomorrow but I wanted to clarify to him that even though I enjoy contributing to his community the main reason I’m going is to hopefully get a chance to have some conversations with him.. real conversation and prefer more on the private side. I know he’s going through a break up so I want to give him space to do what he needs to do… I still need more time to clear out my energies to allow myself to receive him fully so I understand but excited as well. But I went ahead and gave it a go to see how he would handle my crazy… to wrap it up quickly I’ll just say… we had actual back and forth conversations… I’d write out well thought out communication and he would reciprocate with his well thought out communication. I was vulnerable enough to share my crazy and he didn’t think I was psychotic and needed to go speak to a therapist… in fact he’s looking for a “truly transformative, soul-entangling intimacy/sexuality/romance”… and I said well… you just found one… hello there… it’s nice to finally meet you… I’ve been searching for you too… we chuckled over our conversation but he also said he just needs his solitude to figure his mess out right now but he notices the chemistry, finds me wildly attractive and easy to be around… and anyone he finds who has goals towards spirituality, karma, and big picture lifestyles he’s intersted in connect with… so I’m very satisfied at this time because he clearly communicated his needs at this time and I was able to do the same. I’ve got this project on my mind right now.. so I can focus on that and see if and when we give this a shot. So… the project… geesh… again I feel like I have to give context because damn it I’ve been talking about this for a long time now but I don’t remember what all I disclosed and again it’s not like I can say go to this topic in my conversations because this isn’t setup like that. So I guess I’ll just have to begin as if you don’t know what I had said in the past. So I’m an Enlightenment shaman who is following her guidance from the Universe. I’ve been intentionally working on removing attachment to labels that keep me in a human mind set instead of Universal mindset. We are the Universe waiting to realize this within ourselves. This is the path we’e always been on and many are ready to Realize this… I mean you’re on actualized.org forum page… I think you know what Leo’s all about… well I am too… and I’m hoping you are too. I do have messages on how to assist in people to get to the Awakening through preparation and deconstruction, Ayahuasca and ceremonies, but mostly through the integration work. But this hasn’t been my true calling… My messages are what happens after we Awaken? So I’m not worried about people being able to Awaken… this is already happening… it’s just going through the process of Awakening for the last three years… I’m very fresh to what all I have been doing to process this transformation… it was necessary for me and I’m grateful I’ve been preparing myself to allow the freedom and time to process. So yes… I’m planning on people Awakening when we’re ready to… but also ready to arrange things to allow the aftermath of Awakening… I cannot assume it’s going to be the same, but I have found tools and locations that might be helpful to assist in this time we’ll find ourselves in. It’s happening and I’m excited and we’re all doing our thing… and this is my thing I’m working with the Universe on… at this stage it’s a system to network communities and volunteers. In the bigger picture I’d like to establish this as a nonprofit so people over the world can travel easier with having borders they have to cross… not that the religous nonprofit will automatically do this, but right now that seems to be the easiest way for international travelers coming from third world countries. We are the Universe… we can learn and benefit from anyone at anytime anywhere… as long as we are intentional and at higher degrees of consciousness. So… people who are going to be involved with this system will agree to be on this mindset of growth and expansion for themselves and the collective. This is where the idea switches away from what I see is out there right now. My thinking is I don’t want everyone to be able to create an account, login, and not be involved actively. Of course I don’t want to remove this population… but also I want to encourage stepping out of our comfort zones and engage… this is where the juice is… and so there will probably be a limit of stagnancy built in where if someone hasn’t logged in for a long duration… then they’re account will be removed. I’m not sure how to get people to not have several accounts either.. especially since this is going to be a transparent community and if they start getting what could be considered negative marks… they might want to give up on the original account to start a new one… but this is about growth not perfection… so what if we get negative marks on us… we don’t want to run and hide and make things up… we want to own our current state of character and be inspired and motivated to make changes to mature and elevate our conscious levels. I’m not sure how to do this thing while trying to keep the energies cleared and not crowded with toxic people creating drama because they’re bored and want attention. I was thinking there’s going to be referral program… again where people can’t just sign up freely… they have to earn credibility somehow… I think this has been a concept in this Forum and I see why the attempt and I’m not afraid to attempt it again. Not only do i want to maintain credibility to individuals but also to communities who want to be involved. Yesterday I said I don’t want to assume a community is conscious enough to host intentional volunteers so I didn’t want to promote them… but maybe there’s a referral system but also maintain a level of credibility to stay an option for intentional volunteers. I’ve been wanting nonprofits to work together why not communities too? If we aren’t familiar with a particular area we’re struggling with… why not network with our community to get answers, workshops, and volunteers to get the challenge addressed and find multiple solutions and start to go through them until we’re satisfied with our results. If we are tearing down structures or digging dirt or have extra llama hair and dung… why not let other communities know that there’s excess of something we have and if someone wants to use these supplies it’s available. Transportation would also be something I’d like to include to make it easier to go from one community to another. Again how do we use what’s already in the play and collaborate together… extend and connect the communities that are already in existence but want to intentionally work together and learn… I feel many of us are ready for this… and those who are not… are not being forced to.. in fact I hope they’re not attracted to our system… just to cause problems. Geesh I don’t like to assume any of this.. but it was shocking when I came onto this forum and was reading some of the posts… and I too live in a world where some of us are not ready to trust and share… but those who are ready… why not make it easier to find one another. We’re out here… we’re doing the work… we’re looking for more of us… and we’re attracting one another… can this be an additional tool to use? I think I can give this more thought and see if I can start reaching out to my known network of friends and family… and see if we can start creating brainstorming events to give feedback and also make it happen. this is where I’m at… and I have the energy and time to dive into more… but not at this exact moment… hehe… I’m hungry and my eyes are hurting a bit… I’m doing some digital art and I think I want to go play around some more for this evening… it’s very relaxing and I want to leave early tomorrow. Ok.. this is good for now.. until next… enjoy ourselves

Good morning… I woke up thinking about dancing… so I think I’ll begin here. So… I was thinking if I am going all on in with a romantic partnership… I’d like to share my passion of dance. I love to dance and I used to instruct but there are some dances that I don’t know as much as others… and they’re really calling to me and more improvisation. So I’d like to see if we have a conversation of what we’re wanting out of our relationship I have many ideas to talk about but for now in the Journal I will say I want to introduce dancing as part of a way to increase our partnering, sensuality, and fun. I have two dances in mind that I’m hoping he might find as something he would like to learn and share with me…. Argentine Tango and West Coast Swing. I have a dancing buddy who owns a studio close to the location I am now, but I feel like we’ll be closer to where my romantic interest lives which is three hours away. From his location it’s almost four hour drive to my buddy’s studio. So I messaged my buddy to see if he has any recommendations of top notch instructors in the Louisville area… it’ll only be an hour away. I just sent the message and haven’t heard back but my buddy dances competitions and travels a lot to areas so I’m hoping his network would include some great dancers in this specific area. He hosts traveling instructors at his studio and I enjoy watching his posts. He specifically hosts West Coast events… so I asked him about this, but I’ll add the A. tango when we chat. So I looked up Tango studios and it looks like there’s a few options in that city… but I also ran into a video of a couple from Buenos Aires who is offering a dance event in Argentina for 13 days… it’s from April through May but this wouldn’t be a good time for us since his hostel would be opening up at this time. But that has definitely been at the top of my list of locations to go. I want to dance the tango everywhere in Buenos Aires… I think I’ve mentioned this before but I fantasize everyone dancing in the restaurants and the streets all over the city… I’d love to go and do this. I used to drink Malbec and I mention that if I ever get to Argentina… I feel like I’d be much more open to drinking alcohol just to have Malbec from where it originates. I don’t know if I’d be interested in drinking when I get there… but I could entertain the idea of possibly. But I’d love to dance where I travel. Anyway… I would love to introduce him to the magic that dance can bring into our lives. I figured we’d start off with taking beginner classes together. I might have a lot of dance experience and instruction experience, but I don’t necessarily want to start our dance relationship in a teacher/ student dynamic. I’d much rather be a student/student dynamic and possibly why I’m interested in learning dances I don’t know as much. I’d like it to be like date nights. As a teacher I kind of know how it goes when one of the partners are in the teacher mode and yes… I want to set us up for success and enjoyment. To be honest I don’t know if he knows how to dance already… I could see it… he’s very musically inclined and most musicians that I’ve met have a tendency to be able to pick up dancing easier… and he looks like he’s athletic as well… so I think he might pick up fairly quickly but I don’t know if he’d have the desire to learn with me or not. But it is something I’m going to suggest. West Coast is danced to a variety of music… it’s a smooth improvisation and moments of playfulness throughout. Sometimes it can get sensual but not always. I guess I do want to mention that I did see blues swing dance as well which I’ve dropped into classes a few times and I enjoy. But I remember when I was talking to him about his singing… he said his voice is fitting for blues and jazz which he really doesn’t listen to and wished he could mature his singing to fit other genres. I know I enjoy listening to his music and of course I don’t know any of the artists or the songs… which is quite normal for me… hehe… but I’m so glad I don’t know them because he’s going to be introducing me to a whole new range of music which excites me. Also… if this is improvisation dancing… it’s good to have the lead have a better understanding of the musicality while I can just follow his lead. Ideally both would know but that’s not necessary… my body will hear the music and do it’s thing anyway.. hehe… but I want to focus on my partnership development. I feel like I might be a little slower getting into the down and dirty intimacy… who knows.. but if so… I definitely would like to demonstrate my energy while I’m dancing…because… I know its attractive and can be quite powerful for my partners… I just get so damn excited… and when I let loose it’s so fucking fun! That’s what I want to show him which I might not be able to demonstrate outside of this setting. I’m going to work my way here… but it does seem like I’m a bit stiff right now…hehe… And it’s just because I haven’t had people to really play with… no I’m not going to blame anyone else… I just have been focused on my spiritual work and sometimes I’m bit more on the strict side with myself. since my transition I’ve gone off the deep end of strictness and was like fuck… it’s time to relax and enjoy now… and I do to some extent but I can do this more and it’s become more obvious how stiff I am compared to him especially. Argentine Tango is a very passionate and sensual dance… I absolutely adore this dance and want to have more opportunities to learn. We taught this style of dance but yes it felt like it had too much structure to this free flowing dance… I mean structure is necessary when beginning to gain confidence and learn how to communicate with partner.. but with this dance it’s for lovers to explore this style of nonverbal communications… how to speak with our bodies and I’m so excited to hear what he has to say… and I’ve got some things to tell him too… hehe… yes I’d love to see if he’s interested. Of course I find that this would be great for us to do together and build a bond through… however I am looking down the road for him too. I’d love for him to have more tools in his belt to enjoy himself whenever and wherever he is. He travels to different cities and countries… so possibly if I introduce him to something he didn’t realize he would enjoy… He can find dancing while he moves with the flow of life. The dance community usually isn’t a stingy group… we love to dance with our romantic partner yes, but we also love to dance with everyone! And I have a feeling he’d absolutely love this as well. So I want to be very intentional with him. I’m not wanting to make any excuses or have fear to stop me from expressing what I’m looking for in a committed partnership… if we choose that we want to move in this direction then I’m not going to hold back.. this is something I want to share with him. And I’m definitely interested and open to activities he wants to introduce to me as well. He enjoys caving and I was introduced to this through his hostel and i loved it and could definitely see myself doing it more. I was hoping to have trips with him but I found myself in other groups and we’ll have plenty of time to find opportunities to share trips together. I’m hoping he’s a taking his time caver…hehe… we’ll see when it happens. But he seems so fascinating… and who knows what he has up his sleeve… I’d love to hear what he thinks is something that can build a bond together… maybe there’s a secret desire to learn something with a romantic partner that he hasn’t tried yet… for some reason I feel like he probably hasn’t hesitated to try things out romantically but who knows until we have a conversation. We might have a brief time to say hello this Thursday and maybe Tuesday… he’ll be traveling and so this won’t be the time to talk to him… but I’m still trying to give him space from his separation. I’ve been trying to flirt but in a very subtle and minimal manner right now. Again I have that shit going on that I’m going to be too much or too intense… but I have a volume button and right now it’s on low… and intuitively this is the right move right now. Honestly I need this time as well for myself… I have been clearing out romantic energy of past energies myself. I’ve been doing this for awhile now.. and have been successful except I can feel a bit of lingering going on with the Aussie man. I feel like he too will have some remaining from this nest mate. I think if we’re honest about this… it will help us not feel bad if there’s a lingering that exists, but I hope our chemistry can spark us to inspire us to have a desire to get to know one another where we can clear those past energies in a short period of time. I do need to know what he’s looking for in a relationship. If he’s wanting to not have anything serious or just wants a fling… then I don’t think we’ll be able to move into a romantic connection. I want to attract someone who is on a similar page. I’m not looking for a fling and I’m hoping if I go into this fully then we’ll be building a relationship for our lives. People might think this is pretty extreme but it’s where I am. I’m not saying I want to get married right now.. but I’m saying… I’m looking to build a bond for life and as life flows we’ll work and dance with it together. Again… I’d love it to be romantic, but I feel like we’ll be amazing friends and business partners… so our relationship for life doesn’t have to be specific in one area compared to another… but flexible to change while we grow… and not having to plan everything out from the start but be as open and authentic to see where our relationship leads. So yeah I’m looking forward to talking with him, but I’m patient to see when we’ll actually get a chance to engage fully and privately… hehe… until then I know I have more own energy to clear to set up a better start to our journey together. So… I finished the drafts for the communities from the intention convention event last weekend. I’ve been wanting to get into this and finally I’ve gotten there. I don’t think I’ve said much about the convention except for the moment of bliss drumming around the fire. So how to begin? Ok… so there were eight definitive communities represented. We had guests who are involved with other communities but weren’t really representing the same information as the eight communities.. most of them were founders, shareholders, and board members… they have a bit more skin into the community i guess. My romantic interest asked me if I’d like to be the meetings note taker… I thought about it and said that yes… I can give that a try… I’m curious to hear what everyone has to say and what everyone wants to talk about…. I know I have my ideas of where it can lead… but if I’m a note taker then I won’t talk much and mostly just listen. I hadn’t really had much experience in this except for the owner at the temple who would have me type out her words for different communications she had. So I guess I started to have a little bit of experience. But anyway… I keep saying how intuitive he is… he might not realize this but for some reason his suggestions for me seems to benefit me highly and I’m so appreciative of this. Hehe… it was intense trying to keep up with the conversations. He got two of us to be note takers and we both were focused at trying to get as many words down that we could. We now realize for next time that having a mic and amp would be very beneficial. Sometimes it was hard to hear people, plus we want to sync a transcribing program for ease. However, this was very beneficial for me to take these notes. I was using my iPad along with my portable keyboard… so I’m sitting there clacking away on the keys trying to keep up… We had long meeting sessions… so both sessions my iPad died on me… hehe… we were in the middle of the woods in a Greek theater setting… it’s beautiful actually but I didn’t have any extra battery bank with me… I mean I do but I don’t have the cord to charge my iPad… hehe… any way once my iPad dies I’d move to hand written notes… the first session I didn’t realize how many words would be spoken and I only got a fraction. But I only brought three pieces of paper thinking I’ll just type everything out. Well.. I filled those pages and couldn’t get all of it down but there wasn’t much before we broke for lunch. The same thing happened during the second session except I had enough paper with me to continue recording until the end of the session. The problem that I had was I was using loose paper… it wasn’t in a notebook and I didn’t number the pages either… so when I was putting the information on the paper onto the iPad… it wasn’t in order… hehe… but it didn’t actually stop me from how I approached the information I wanted to deliver. So… i guess I didn’t really understand what was expected from me and the other note taker… I think she was a bit more familiar in doing this… she was talking about taking minutes and is very detailed oriented on formal procedures… hehe… ummm… ok… yeah that isn’t really what I was thinking of doing. But we were supposed to work together.. and I wasn’t sure how other than posting my information that I had typed out… it wasn’t in order all the way but she created a shared document and she was hand writing the entire time so it was going to take her time to enter her data in. She’s a full time student and is trying to launch her first issue for a magazine she’s trying to publish. So yes formality and grammar and editing skills is right up her alley… and it’s funny that she gets partnered with me who is not good with any of these areas… lol… but she was very stressed out about the note and the time of submission. I admit that I had that feeling at first as well… I don’t know if any of you read a few submissions back when I got back.. but after that session I was able to relax because I was the only one pressuring myself to get things out for the community members… hehe… and so I was trying my best to let her know that she doesn’t need to be frantic that nobody is breathing down our necks except us doing it to ourselves. She said she’s been busy in many ways in her life and I said to not worry… do your things… I get the vibe from the people involved are just appreciative of how we were wanting to help… and they’ll be happy with whatever we share with them. We had another girl who did end up creating an audio recording… so she’s going to continue her formal submission which is going to take her a few weeks to finish up with her schedule and just the tedious nature of this style of record keeping. I’m not sure how our relationship is going really… she is hostel fam… so she’s involved with the hostel and is close to the founder. She is in fact the other lady he sandwiched himself between and the whole opportunity for me to touch his hand… hehe.. i was the timid side he was dealing with while she was the comfortable side and the whole massaging of the head and everything.. so yes no issues of demonstrating affection… hehe. But I met her for the first time at the caving event. She was one of the guides and so she’s an avid caver as well.. and I like she’s a bit more on the professional side of things.. so yeah I recognize a bit of stiffness like I see in myself.. but I’m thinking it’s more on the distrusting some… I guess I feel like specifically she doesn’t know if she can trust me. I could definitely be projecting but I did feel this so I was keeping space and allow reality to have us engage whenever that time happens to be. I might have a bit of projection going on but not fully… to me I can explain it in the way she started her note taking.. hehe… she had everyone’s name listed and she had these elaborate and flowering words to describe everyone present. Even to the ones who were wanting to get more information about intentional communities and weren’t directly involved in sustaining a community…anyways when I got down to my name the only words she had for me is “note taker”… lol… so yeah she wasn’t really interested in anything I was sharing during the event. But granted I didn’t know she was on her way of publishing a magazine either… but I feel like I overheard a little conversation in regards to this but it seems like she wasn’t sure if she should let the group know what she wants to do… or maybe waiting for the appropriate time to let us know… I’m not sure but I didn’t think too much about it because if I’m to know I’ll get that chance to let it unfold in the appropriate timing for myself. So really… I feel like there’s a weird girl jealousy thing going on between us I think… I’m not use to dealing with this much anymore… not that I haven’t danced this dance before… but yeah… I think that’s why she has a distrust in me… of course I don’t know but this is my Journal so this is a great space to purge my thoughts regardless of how accurate it is… I want to get her out of my thoughts.. hehe… not that I don’t want her out of my thoughts completely because I told her that I have more information beyond the words spoken at the meeting because I have ideas I want to present with possibly brainstorming for solutions to network everyone for the coming year. She was trying to understand what I was doing with my notes… oh yeah… I didn’t even get to what I was doing with my notes… hehe.. tangents. So yes she was going to focus on the formal side… and I wanted to focus on how does this information help us understand what was said…. So in my opinion the first thing to do to help with clarity is to separate the communities and have a general summary of what the community shared with us. So I’d start with one community and I’d copy and paste all the members words of that community together so I can use their words to summarize their information. So this is what I was saying I didn’t need to have everything organized in order to do this. In fact many speak like me where answers weren’t given during a specific questions but was spread throughout the entire time of their speaking. Similar to myself I might have heard the questions but it wasn’t until later did I realize my answer so yeah… I found reading through their words a bit more scrambled around… helped me actually get their summary out by deciphering my crazy notes… hehe… a few times I’m like what the hell did I type and what’s being said… I didn’t run into many situations like that but it was fun. So yes if we have a summary we don’t have to read down through the entire conversation of the meeting to find an answer. I think I did a fair job summarizing their information together. What I really enjoyed when I was taking their notes were the words people were saying… it makes me giggle just thinking about it. Our character and personality I was trying to keep as I was summarizing… so yeah for me formal recording wasn’t what I enjoyed… I felt like this was a family meeting and so to remember everyone’s character I loved keeping their quirkiness… it’s absolutely adorable. I found myself laughing out loud when I was trying to get their message out… when I submitted my drafts to the specific communities to review and edit for accuracy… I got a few laughs back… they laughed that I used the actual words they were saying… I said I don’t mind what was said as long as it’s authentic… we’re family so I don’t think anyone will get offended… I mean this was how we were talking anyway… of course I have some of my language in the mix since i was editing their information… so I wanted to make sure they were happy with what I had to represent them. I also know there are areas such as the financials that went over my head… hehe… words I’ve heard before but not really any understanding in the context and so I wanted them to better explain what I couldn’t do for them. Plus there were a few communities who didn’t say much during the meetings… so I wanted to give them another opportunity to share more… it’s possible it was overwhelming to be in such a large group and finding a chance to express yourself… the founder was giving people the opportunity, but again didn’t mean they were confident and comfortable expressing… maybe now they’re back in their space they can find the words without any pressure on them. Yes… I’ve been loving the opportunity to gain rapport with the individual communities as well.. I didn’t know how I would approach all of this… but during the meeting we are taking about networking.. so I was going to see how comfortable people are by sharing conversations through online messages. I’d like to start to get to know who I’m working with as well… I know how group chats going with each community… I’ve sent out the drafts and I”m waiting to have them returned their edited version. So yes… the fellow note taker wanted to understand what I was doing so I was able to let her know and she has access to my summaries in the shared document so I figured she would understand what I was doing. And she did say that it seems like this is not a requirement for me to do, but I told her it’s something I want to do. I’ll get to know the communities there a little better with this summary… because it was fairly chaotic trying to keep up with the words…hehe. And the founder also told both of us that he didn’t expect us to do these extras… he thought he was going to receive our chicken scratches and submit them for people to decipher for themselves… but he’s appreciative of our initiative mannerism we both share. I told her I’m enjoying myself and since I’ve done this I’m starting to find connections between them which is what I’m more concerned with. So I told her that I’m not a good editor…for my second project I’ll type it out and she can go back and edit it if she wants to. But I told her she seems like she’s got her hands full with the transcribing already which will take a few weeks… that it’s not necessary. She wanted to edit the summaries I wrote but I told her that I’d like the communities to do the editing. I saw a few of her edits and yeah it was missing the character of the person speaking. I guess it was too formal for me… and honestly I don’t want her to make my content so formal either… I want my character to come out as well.. and my heart and my passion… this is part of my passion project and I’m super grateful to have this opportunity right now. I’ll get into this.. well.. if you’ve been following along for the past six months I don’t have to continue repeating myself of my desire to help communities and connect a network of communities globally… but there’s some lingering baggage when it comes to her specifically so let me get this out for a little bit… so the girl jealousy thing is what I’m wanting to address… so of course I don’t know anyone’s relationship to one another. Before I move on I want to continue to warn people this is a space for me to purge my thoughts.. she is not a bad person.. in fact if she’s been introduced into my life right now I’m excited to see how our relationship develops. So keep that in mind… I find it fascinating how relationships evolve and I ultimately have hope for us to bond eventually… but I”m pretty patient to see that… I’d hope within this year things can completely change but if it takes five years from now… then I’m fine with that too.. I don’t want to have to prove myself and I don’t expect her to prove herself either… I just want to get my initial baggage out so I can open my mind to find a different perspective… which I’ve already been noticing and I want to share but I start from the chaos before clarity… hence my title… its a beautiful chaos and I appreciate this process… so ok… why do I think there’s a girl jealousy thing going on? So I met her at the caving event… I knew I went there to specifically get an opportunity to talk to the founder but I noticed how needy people are of his attention and so I laid back during the weekend and thought possibly we’d have a chance during the few days after I planned to volunteer… so yes I could see he wanting his attention… and she wasn’t completely needy… she has a relationship that’s been developing so he’s more willing to give her attention. but I wasn’t sure if I saw her desire for a possible romantic attention… I’m not sure why I think this.. but I think that’s what i was getting the vibe originally of why she was wondering why I was at the event… maybe she was wondering if I was there because of a romantic interest too… so possibly why she didn’t care to get to know me… which in turn I reciprocated. Again I was observing her and I liked how informative she was when she was getting everyone ready to cave… she went to the same cave as I did however there were two groups and I was in the meditative while she was guiding the adventurous one. we had an incident during the caving the third group in this same area had a girl who got a cut on her leg which was more like a puncture wound and needed to go to the hospital. She wasn’t present when the founder brought her back to take her but when she returned with her group we informed her. It was again interesting to see her reaction. I definitely would describe it as professional yes, but also filled with worry and concern and even anxiety of making the correct steps forward at this point. She was the only staff member at the location now… she’s the leader and she knew she wanted to make the correct decisions which makes sense. We were all tryin got help her get to the results we got too… I feel like I was reminding everyone that it’s not a life a death situation… not using these words of course.. but the one of the girls I was with who helped the founder get the girl inside the car and had a staff member join them to watch her in the car while they went to the hospital… she was a bit frantic as well… when I saw the mannerism of the founder with the injured lady… at first I got up and wondered the degree of severity it was… he was quite calm and had it under control… she’s got a minor injury that needs to be looked at. So I didn’t react… in fact I allowed the people who jumped into help and I continued with my conversations. So the frantic one addressed the note taker partner…and again I can see how she wanted the energies to elevate to degrees which isn’t necessary… to help the frantic one I asked her how close is the hospital and it was like 10 minutes away… she thought it was going to be hours away and thought there was going to be such a huge blood loss etc etc… once she saw that it was right down the road she felt better.. and so again when they were both together she couldn’t help herself wanting to elevate the energy but I felt like I was able to keep it calm and stable for the leader to understand that it wasn’t a life or death emergency. She wasn’t sure again who to trust at that moment but she kept her cool and started to focus on the logistics… she was the only staff and there was a group who didn’t have a staff guide. She questioned if she should go and get them… she feared that they shouldn’t be alone… I reminded her that it’s more of the advanced group… there were many experienced cavers there who are confident in their skills and should be fine for them to get back out when they’re ready. Many confirmed the people present in their group and she recognized some of the descriptions and finally she said ok… she doesn’t need to get them. But then she started to look around to the vehicles… the founder’s truck is here and he will not be returning to get it back… so we’ll need to return it to the hostel. She wondered if all the vehicles present part of our group. I said yes every car came with us… again a question whether to trust me… and so I got out my iPad’s footage and said I recorded everyone arriving because many of us are first timers so there was electricity in the air… so ok… all of the cars are there… one car was missing so how many additional cars do we need. This is when she decided that she’s going to stay back while the two groups who are finished can return to the hostel… sh’ell drive the truck back and any person who needs to ride with her. Good solution and again good observation. we really didn’t have any more interaction that stands out in my mind… we just move to this weekend event and the first memory is the founder talking to her and asking if she remembers me… and she looked up and said oh yeah I remember her and we both just shared a simple smile… hehe… not grand affection for one another and again I will reciprocate… and I completely understand. But yeah… I see there is an affection between them but I also don’t sense a romantic chemistry or spark there either… polyamory being so present gets me wondering who is partnering with who…lol.. like it’s my business… and actually that’s not what I’m asking myself.. I’m asking who is he partners with… but I did see her celebrating a ten year anniversary with her partner on FB and so that’s was cute to see… and yeah I’m not sure why there was a thing for a second… I’ll see how it unfolds… ok.. I feel good leaving that behind so let’s move into the insights I’m getting from the note taking. Since I’ve been involved with the temple farm in Utah I’ve already been brainstorming ideas of what suggestions I’d have for that particular property but again it always leads back on how to scale it to other properties and eventually globally… and again with me not talking at the event and taking notes I found it interesting to hear commonalities and differences in each approach. At the end of the meetings I had a brief moment with the founder to ask how he thought it went and of course he said it went well but he can see things he wants to change for next time. The setup had people arriving Friday afternoon or Saturday morning… the meetings were scheduled longer with both during Saturday before and after lunch.. people will leave at leisure on Sunday. He thought splitting it up through out the weekend would be best… four shorter sessions one on Friday and Sunday and two on Saturday.. I’m sure there were more details he thought of but that’s all that was said at the time. I agreed because I felt we only got to know communities and we really didn’t get to any action steps of solutions for areas of concern. And I think that’s what’s going on right now while I’m deciphering these notes. I guess there’s something I want to address real quick before the details is that at the end of the session there was a collective agreement for the properties wanting to create a blueprint of the function of a community… talking about an outside mediator.. and who would be interested visiting properties to find network opportunities… inside I wanted to say that that’s exactly what I’d be interested in, but I didn’t want to commit to only these properties… so I waited to see who would volunteer or be interested… and there was someone who said she’d be interested… and it was very interesting to see how everyone responded to wanting to support her to do this. She already travels between many communities… I believe she has seven on her list for next season already… and only one was present during this event… so is she saying she’s going to add another seven? I spoke to her one on one… because of course I’d love to support her as well and I wanted to see how she was thinking of approaching this… i love her passion and enthusiasm towards problem solving solutions for her communities.. and I can relate a lot to her.. I found myself reminding her that self care is important if she wants to do this. Ok… I just got done eating a spaghetti lunch with my pops… I feel better using him as a soundboard at this time because it’s not so much spiritual stuff like Aya and deep shit… it’s language he can understand again if he’s not really passionate about but there’s more feedback from him…hehe… and by talking I knew I was missing something… I didn’t know what but I think I figured something out… I want to help these communities and right now I’d like them to focus on self care of course but they’re really wanting a body of intentional volunteers… I was seeing where my nonprofit comes into play.. I’ve got high standards of the communities I’m involved with… right at this time I have communities I adore but all but one are places I would recommend to friends and family to freely go to without my presence… I know it sounds a bit…whatever the word is… but I’ve got high standards and I want my recommendations to be valued because of intentional results… just as an example… I love the temple farm but with the personality that runs this space and there rules… i don’ know much of my friends and families who would enjoy themselves alone, but if i was there to put things into perspective it would be a different situation… same thing applies to the shamans that I work with… a few months ago someone was wanting me to write a FB review on their retreat and I said I wasn’t able to do this because I don't think they’re recommendable at this time. Not that I’m not going to continue me work with everyone… but once they’re ready then I’ll recommend them… but if they’re not there yet… then whomever is attracted to work with them without my recommendations is how it’s supposed to go since that’s what’s happening. I want to build skills to enhance my understanding of what I’d like to do for WithinUverse nonprofit and I was thinking I was going to be recommending these particular communities… but I don’t really know these communities right now… and so I don’t know where there standards are…. But what I could see WithinUverse backing up right now that can help these communities… finding volunteers who are intentional and desire to contribute… I can see creating a program to find these volunteers… I’ve met volunteers I would put on the list already… and possibly it’s going to be a recommendation program… not everyone can go on to the site and sign up with their details… somebody has to recommend them to join… and this tool can also be used as a reference for volunteers to find opportunities. So yes I see I can put my focus in this area at this time. Everyone want to know how to get volunteers to actually work.. and there’s a concern they’re just looking for a free place to live so they’re not homeless… and I would consider myself as a work trader and I can see how these could be a perception to look at but that’s going to limit volunteer opportunity because of the lack of trust. Now the people I know doesn’t mean they’re all completely perfect volunteers… we have our pros and cons; however… they’re intentional to grow and learn and connect… so I’d recommend them to be volunteers for these communities… even though I’m not sure I’m recommending the communities until I actually have time to understand where they are. Another factor that seems to be in the way is that these communities don’t always have housing for these volunteers… so this will need to be addressed. WithinUverse would love to have a collection of intentional volunteers and to start a system to start gathering these people I find will be very beneficial. Interesting… it’s going to be nice to narrow down my focus right now… so where do I start? Hehe So… what are programs that are already out there that seem like it’s the same thing or similar? Let me do a search real quick… right now I’m thinking workaway, woofing, couchsurfing…. Things of this nature and I also remember LDS has a website dedicated to finding volunteer opportunities… but there’s more out there I’m sure… lets see what I can find… so actually I think I’ll finish this session here so I can do some research… sweet… until next time… enjoy!

I’m glad I went to play disc golf… I really do enjoy you woods in my hometown.. but I forgot there was a tournament playing on Saturday mornings… but I pulled and parked and went to the shelter house because it looked like one of the main guys who takes care of the land was there. And I wanted to say hello and see what’s going on with the event… some were finished with their round of 27 holes… but some were still playing so I wanted to wait until it was finished before I threw. But it was fun to see familiar faces from last time I started disc golf… there are some that I somewhat watch on FB when their posts come on up and i’m scanning through… but one guy likes to hike and adventure around and he was there and it was nice to see him… in a week he’s going to Red River Gorge and I told him that this location has been on my mind as a place I’d like to go visit while I’m here this year. There’s a few posts from different people and yeah it looks like a great spot… this particular guy kind of goes off trail and finds hidden waterfalls and areas that the public doesn’t go.. so the pictures he gets aren’t the normal picture… he’s a great photographer as well. But yes I’m glad I went because it’s fun to do something a bit different to switch up activities to use the mind and body in a variety of ways… i actually really like it when I throw the disc and I have to go find it… for some reason I feel like this is a good skill to continue to build even though I’d like to build the skill to throw better and stay in the clearing… hehe both applies. I sat around chatting for the most part and I went ahead and threw a round of 14 holes before I went back to the house to do some cleaning. For some reason it seems like I’m always looking at my belongings and ask if I really need this at this time… and so I put a few piles separated from one another… I was putting things that I know I’m using currently… but I started a pile that I put in a drawer of belongings that I’ll be donating to the hostel mostly sewing supplies and a second pile of things I don’t know if I need anymore and most likely donate. I was thinking about going back to Indy to visit friends but I wasn’t really sure when that would be. But I reached out to my last housemate to see if he was available to hang out… he’s married now and I’d like to meet them and he’s just a funny and great guy and want to catch up while I’m around… we actually met because we were both on a coed softball team called the Fireballers… we were all in the mix of having a great time playing and not so much on the competitive side… many of our players hadn’t even played the game before… hehe… and yes back then we were drinking fairly heavy during and after the games. But he’s like… do you think its time for a Fireball reunion? And I said I’m definitely down… I’d absolutely love to share time with everyone… I’ve been watching many of these people as well on FB and there were two members that actually got married and have a daughter now… there will be much change from when was that? Eight years ago? It’s challenging for me to even remember that person I was then… hehe… but yes I’d love to have a reunion with them and he said he’s going to work on it. I was also thinking about the girl group that I use to hangout with a lot while I was living in Indy and I also watch them and I”d love to have a little girls reunion too… maybe a Friendsgiving maybe? But it’s just around the corner and I’m not sure if it’s too late of notice but I’ll see what happens. This also brings up the fact that I went to go to another childhood friend’s house last night since we hadn’t seen each other since I returned… but when I was leaving we were talking about the new year being right around the corner and can’t believe it’s going to be 2025… all of a sudden it hit me… oh wait… I was going to host a 25 year reunion… and wow… that would be next year… I’m the class president and I’ve only hosted one reunion in 2015… but I thought the next time would be 25.. so I guess that’s the year coming up… hehe… and I’m going to be around… so cool… I’ll be planning on figuring out where we’ll go and what we’ll do… last time I put out two ideas for people to vote on… one was going to a woodsy area that is setup for large gatherings and I thought maybe we’d cook together.. have opportunities to have social area and have classes to meet their children with art and dance.. but allow moments for private conversations and doing some type of lantern ceremony at night… this was my vote… hehe… but we chose to go to a local Elks club, hired a band, and people wanted to eat the prepared food there and mostly drink. I don’t think I’m going to put a choice up this year… hehe… or I’m going to not have a drinking at the bar as an option… not that I won’t allow drinking to be involved I just don’t want that to be the main focus. I literally just remembered this year is upon us… so I’ll need to see what kind of ideas come up… it’ll be fun to see anyone who shows up… many people on FB are from my hometown and especially from my graduating class.. so it’ll be fun to see everyone. I also enjoyed spending time with my girl friend… we went to a brewery which had a very large backyard that had several fire pits and was able to find one where we had it on our own… not at first but the group ended up leaving… and we enjoyed our privacy. A very family oriented brewery with kids running around but they didn’t seem like they were that out of control.. mostly throwing football or tag… so I didn’t mind the atmosphere… but I definitely didn’t want to be inside because yes it was crowded and watching the Indiana State football game… I wanted to be intentional in our conversations and sitting by the fire seems far mor desirable and it was wonderful. Of course we were catching up… I hadn’t been around for a year and we might have caught up four times online during this time… but we got to get more details of what’s going on… I was impressed how I was able to get through the year in a concise manner especially for me… hehe.. but she was able to do as well… What I was wanting to get to and what she was most interested in is this whole move towards wanting to share a romantic relationship with the intentional community host. She really gets surprised when I tell her how long I haven’t had sexual relationships or any other touch in a sensual manner…. Right she’s known me from childhood and just like myself just can’t imagine I’ve gone this long… this is reminding me of my video chat with my buddy who I stay with in Colorado who retires in Cabo for the winter.. I told him that I want to date this winter and he about passed out and mentioned how that sounds so weird coming out of my mouth… so he’s only known me when I intentionally been working on Spiritual Enlightenment.. so he’s seen me remove distractions… discipline of making changes… and even through the point of me relaxing… anyway…he’s seen me change through this process but was excited for me that I’m making these moves.. I told him to wish me luck and he said he will but I won’t need it… it’s only going to be newish for a short time and I’ll fall right into with flying colors. And that’s what my girl friend was encouraging me as well.. and I have that same understanding too. But I was liking to talk about the process and she was able to give her feedback… she was able to talk about her personal experience with her long-term relationships which has been a similar story I’ve been hearing but it’s obvious she’s been noticing her negative thoughts and moving intentionally to redirect her self talk. And she looks happier and she is more concerned about her self care which is always a good sign. I didn’t get her permission to discuss her details so I won’t go into it… but what I will go into was our conversation about me meeting people from the kink community. I did get their permission to discuss… so I’ll continue there I’ve met different people in this scene and I enjoy how open they’ve been in sharing their opinions with me. I’m only been on the fringe of this scene but it has been something I’ve been curious about. I mean I see everything as an opportunity to gain spiritual growth and understanding and sex is not separate from this… I want to learn more and excited when I get opportunities to step in this direction even if it’s just talking about it. I know the way I’m going to gain experience is waiting to share itself to me when I’m ready and when the people align with sharing this with me. I dated a guy for a few months who taught me about polyamory and kink… he was from my graduating class and there were three of us from our hometown would get together and hangout and it started to continue from there. I was getting out of my 13 year relationship and was looking to see what I didn’t know about myself in romantic relationships and the concepts of polyamorous really resonated with me. I mean I didn’t know if the multiple partners was my thing.. but all the other principles of transparency, integrity, communication, and consent was something all people should be practicing with people in general but especially romantically. He implied to me that this scene doesn’t really put a focus on sexual penetration of genitalia. He was drawn to the scene where they wanted to see how many ways we could get sexual arousal and satisfaction without actually having genitalia penetration. I found that interesting but I could see how that applies for him… and when we were dating we didn’t really do a lot of sexual sharings… I did ask him to tie me up because that was something he seemed to really enjoy.. he had a trunk of treasures which involved ropes. I remember how exciting it was for me to have him do this to me… he was very good at making me feel comfortable but I didn’t really have any reservations at the time and I trusted him… and he went slowly and did a very basic tie… I didn’t have any unusual body positions just the basics around my torso and my hands… but yes his approach of slowly wrapping it around me and circling my body and watching my reactions the entire time.. it was fun and I remember it and I enjoyed it. Well… I met more ropers… I don’t know the terms and I already know that I’m not going to be using the accurate terminology but hey thats again just how I go… but I wanted to hear what kink means to them and how they approach it as a couple and they were very open to sharing. They’ve been together for three and half years now and the first time they met was at a kink party… when it comes to their basic physical structure she’s short and curvy while he’s tall and solid… so she said he stood out in the crowd. They spoke a little during that first event of meeting but it wasn’t until later that they started to want to build something deeper. She found that she’s a “Demi-sexual”. I asked what that was and she said that it takes her a long time to be sexually attractive to someone because an emotional connection has to be developed before she becomes attractive. So I’m assuming that she doesn’t find people just physically attractive.. however she said that their are two types of men she seems to be attracted to are one that their androgynous where they aren’t clearly masculine of feminine but a beautiful mixture of that.. or two a man that’s literally going to break me in half…with a chuckle.. and she said when they first met she wasn’t really sure if they were going to make it because her partner was very active with several partners and she told him that if he wanted to engage with her in a sexual manner that he would have to pretty much stop playing with other partners until they gained a foundation of trust. And at first he continued to play because he enjoyed it, but he came back to her and said that he’s definitely willing to do this to get to know her more and so they started to be exclusive with one another… and again it took months of getting to know one another before they engaged in sexual exploration with one another. She said she was a jealous type at the beginning so this foundation really set up trust and it took her awhile to open up to sharing which is something he’s interested in but they took the slow steps to introduce a third party into the mix…and what she was surprised by is the fact that it’s pleasurable to watch her partner with another partner. She said that technically she doesn’t really especially wants to always have sexual genitalia penetration and I’m not sure how far they go with a threesome but she does admit that she likes to watch him. But she said that thus far they’ve only had two females and one male and she’d be curious to see how it would be with two males and one female. She also admitted that not all the time she enjoys the threesomes because she’s not mutually attracted to the female… but again this was wonderful to hear. They were saying that the kink scene is extremely diverse so you’ll have some parties where sexual genitalia penetration is accepted and expected while other parties absolutely won’t allow that as part of the party. They were mentioning all kind of terms… they educate the public about boundaries, communication, consent, and signs of predator behavior which unfortunately exists in this scene. As much we’d like to hope everyone has elevated their consciousness to respect and honor all the guests with best intentions… that isn’t the case at this time. He said that the most common fetish that seems to be around is “impact” which again i wanted him to explain… he said like spanking and pressure and I’m sure he gave more examples but this was a language that’s not familiar so I can only remember a snippet of information given because I don’t have any experience in the context… but he himself is interested in rope as well. I asked him how this developed… and he said it was actually through his exe’s ex-boyfriend. He himself was very conservative for most of his life and when he was with his exe they were fairly… hehe… cannot remember the term they used… but it was “bland” or you know what I mean unflavorable? I don’t remember but they did start to introduce some toys eventually. So they had a box of play toys they had used together and when they separated his exe kept the box. But he eventually got introduced to a Japanese sexual rope play… it starts with an S… let me look this up real quick… ok called Shibari.. and he ended up messaging his exe to see if she was using any of those toys and if not can he use the rope… and she commented that yes she doesn’t use any of the toys… her current boyfriend has his own ropes… and this stood out to him.. he has his own rope…and eventually he got the chance to ask him about it… and the boyfriend was open to share this with him and it’s built from their. He really like to take photography of the rope bondage and Shibari especially and shared some of his work with me which I saw the beauty and artistry that took place in the bondage and photography… and so it was interesting to have this introduced for me to think about. He also admitted they like the dominant/submissive thing as well… I’m sure there’s a term that I don’t remember… but he said that many engage with this but there’s a few variations with this kink… first of all some may play this role only when at parties… while some may do this all the times in their life… there are people who have a set dominant and a set submissive while others choose to change the roles throughout the play… they didn’t specifically say what their role was but just by observing them… I saw the female seemed to be the submissive I saw he would ask her to do things for him and she was not hesitant to do them for him… but again this isn’t necessarily saying this to be true.. I just didn’t dig any deeper into this with them. They were saying that the kink doesn’t necessarily tie to polyamory either… there are many couples who only play with each other.. but they happen to like voyeurism Holy cow! My iPad died on me and I lost so much content that I was writing… and I thought i plugged it in but it wasn’t charging… and at these moments I feel like what I was sharing wasn’t all necessarily meant to be shared… it goes through my process of purging to gain insights.. and I felt a moment where I was tightening up again and hitting that cord… and it was beautiful… I still want to continue to write but I’m going to just put some key insights in instead of the process for me to get there… so I’ll try to continue where I left off… it didn’t erase everything… but yeah while I was waiting for enough juice to power it up I was like… what is going to be left of my session? And I was hoping everything would still be there.. but it wasn’t… but I’m ok with that and I’ll see how I’m going to proceed and what I”m drawn to recall… so interesting of what should be shared or not… ok where did the entry leave off? Voyeurism… now this has an implication that it’s secretive and without consent but that does not apply for a kink party it’s open and fully consensual but the act of enjoying being watched and watching sexual activities. I am interested in both of these areas… when it comes to this though I feel like it’s not only for gratification but for educational purposes too. Where am i right now and what do I see could be steps to move forward with my lessons at this time? I am ready to go all in and be as completely vulnerable and trusting that I’m attracting a deep partnership where not only are we going to express fully our attraction but also our desire to share in each other’s passions. I realize that I’m afraid that my intensity and passion is too much and I’ve played myself down so I can be accepted and received but that’s no longer my approach because I don’t want to play games and waste anyone’s time… if my authenticity is something that can be received at this time.. then I don’t need to wait to be received… I’ll continue to do the work to attract this bond of depthless that I’ve been truly wanting to experience and I’m now ready to experience. I’ve had to do a lot of work to be able to unconditionally love myself and this romantic depthless is not something I want to keep from myself any longer. My body and mind are on the same page of fully giving this a chance… a balance of logic and emotion… a balance of directness and softness… I’m excited to see where Reality will lead me as I walk this path intentionally. I’m very hopeful but will be also listening to any flags that might arise in this process. I originally thought that I might have a rule of no penis penetration into my vagina or my anus to start with… but I don’t want to have anything stopping us from how we express and learn together.. I thought possibly my creativity and motivation would be stunted if I share my powerful sexual energy and I’ve had to clear energies of past partners.. but honestly there’s nothing to be afraid of… I embody these qualities and it’s not dependent on my sexual energy. In fact I feel like if I’m able to express my sexual energy deeply with my partner… is only going to lead to more strength and more grace… and be a better teacher and guide. Not that I want to immediately step into the penetration right away… I want to start with communication. I mean honestly have conversations where we want to not assume we understand by our own definitions of words but willing to have conversations more than a sentence long to want to understand what our partner is trying to express at the time. I don’t take words for granted and I will continue to ask for clarification and I’m hoping he will find this endearing that I really want to understand him… we have different programming and nuanced differences in each word… so the desire to understand and communicate is where I’d like to begin. And when it comes to sexual interactions… I’m wanting to learn to not have an expectation of destination… I want to just immerse myself fully into whatever transpires. I was sharing an intimate moment of touching one another’s hands… I mean I could see how powerful it was to have this brief encounter but I wasn’t in the setting that would have allowed me to explore and express… but I found pleasure to do this with him.. and I’d like to share more of these moments in privacy until however long it is for me to be able to display it differently. I was saying I already know he’s polyamorous and this is something I do not want to take away from him… but I’m hoping he might be open to giving me a few months of time to see if there’s chemistry between us before he adds a new partner.. and if we can build this then I would understand if the new partner would need this as well.. I don’t know what he needs but i want to know. And right now I’m sure he just need space and time to process his separation. And I want to give him this. I want to learn how to support him in the way he wants but also in the ways I can. I’m very grateful I’m moving forward with more intention and direction of what I want to add into the mix of my fucking amazing life that I’m so grateful to be experiencing. Regardless of the results… we will be able to learn so much from one another and grow ourselves which is a value we both share. Man it feel like I’m just not in the flow like I was earlier before the iPad died… there are things I was going to write and I’m not sure i”m in the zone any longer. I guess I’ll just try to briefly put in a few things and see if it starts to ignite inspiration to continue. Yesterday when I was cleaning i came across some of my tarot cards and I thought why not see what messages I get… I chose two decks which I don’t necessarily have to pull out the book to read the messages.. I’ll just go with the little that’s written on the front. So I started with the Angels and Crystal oracle cards… and two cards flew out… the first was Rodocrisita : Be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot and you need time to heal and recover. The second was Tanzanite: You are ready to love again. Your heart has healed from the wounds of the past and is open to love again. I grabbed the Love Angels oracle deck and got more cards (1) Chemistry: Feel a strong magnetic attraction. (2) Open your mind: Your soulmate may be different from the type of person you expect to meet. (3) Honeymoon: Appreciate the charm of a couple's holiday. (4) Give your relationship a chance: Make time for your partner. (5) Flirtation: Give your carefree energy to others! I asked if there is anymore clarification that can be given at this time and three more cards fell (6) Forgive and Let go: By releasing the past, you live much more love in the present moment. (7) Separation: A period away from your partner is announced. (8) He deserves love: He is worthy of being loved! I can feel like my attention is straying and so I’ll just mention this morning I was thinking about ways I would approach the Chicken game differently and remembered the book I want to write about exploring sexuality.. I’ll just put it down to maybe pickup at another time. Until next time… enjoy!

Good morning… so interesting I was just finding myself doing a physical purge is something minor but it’s a sign for me and I”ve found myself doing this quite often lately… it sounds maybe a bit odd.. but it’s belching or burping… I wasn’t going to start this session with this but literally when I was signing in and scrolling to get to this session to write I was doing this and this is something subtle but it does communicate to me… and for me by participating in Aya ceremonies… I’ve noticed the many ways of purging and this is one of them… to me it’s allowing space and room for me to release the old and open to experience the new… so I guess I wanted to mention this. So when I started with so interesting at the start of this… I wasn’t going to say anything about burping but that’s what I wrote… what I was going to say was interesting is that I fell asleep shortly after my post last night which was fairly early in the night and I slept until I woke up at 2:22am in the morning… I used the restroom and my dad was getting ready for bed… and I thought maybe I was just wanting time to be awake and be the only one to be awake in the house for some solitude in an essence… I thought maybe this is the time I can dive into deciphering the notes from the weekend… but I found myself coming to this forum and I started to read my first entries when I began this Journal. Gosh I didn’t remember who quickly I got into exposing myself with areas of trauma that I had when I was younger… but I was reading and I felt like I was getting tired again… so I went back to sleep and while I was sleeping I started to get some insights of where I can explore my attempt to express why my body is recognizing something.. my body is recognizing safe space… and trust is something to look into more as well. So.. how do I begin? So I was reading about the events I had when I was a child and there were inappropriate engagements that I shared with older relatives… there was one who restrained me and overpowered me when I didn’t want to be with him. I’m sure this is something that has been subconsciously assisting me of not fully trusting people. However much I have a desire to find safe spaces… I have so many stipulations that mind has that doubts or suspects foul play behind people’s intention.. Geesh when I write this out it sounds like it’s so extreme but that’s not how I perceive it… for the most time I do not feel like this but I think specifically when it comes to exploring and expressing my sexuality… this is where I haven’t felt a safe space before. Again wanting to have this was always a mind chatter of wondering if this is a safe opportunity… but if feels right now… that my mind wasn’t really ready to understand what a safe space is… it’s my body who seems to feel like it has more understanding… these are not separate and they work together… but to explain this it makes more sense to split it up… my body seems to be stepping up with clear communication that is more evident to notice… while if I kept it as a mind masturbation… it would be the same old thing… so yes Realities communication seems to be clearer and I’m so grateful I’ve become open enough to receive these communications. Not only was I feeling like there’s an opportunity for a safe space for my sexuality… but at the fire circle… again… there was a safe space for me to surrender and express myself through the drum and voice… I’ve been looking for safe space… and I’ve found it. And I’m excited to see what my potential will be when I have a safe space… holy shit I feel like I’m going to transform drastically and exponentially right onto my path with a much deeper confidence and trust in myself not only the Universe… again which isn’t separated but there’s a humanness that seems to be addressed. There’s a human side to me that needs deeper understanding before it can transition in these areas as Universal love. Hehe… if anyone starts to read this Journal near the end there’s a lot of context that is missing when I’m typing… Enlightenment exploration is what I do and how I try to explain the benefits of transitioning from human to Universal mindsets… when our identity switches… we communicate with the Universe in a manner where messages are being given in massively diverse ways… but once it clicks that this is guidance… there’s no hesitation of oh… when am I going to start working on this? It’s like ok… thank you there is something I’m going to work on now.. and the benefits of working on what’s stopping us from moving forward with authenticity is far more desirable then waiting… I no this is challenging for me to explain… but that’s why my rambling goes through this process… there’s in between the lines that communicates as much as direct words that are coming out. We’ve got to be using our intuition and intelligence to gather the data and gain the understanding. I’m working on figuring out how to speak with clarity and conciseness that I’m heading towards… but this is the process and I’m learning through the process. And even though I said that it seems like we don’t want to wait to go through the lessons but I’ve been getting messages to prepare me to work in this area… so it wasn’t quite immediate… but I guess it’s been patient for me to prepare myself to make these changes… and it’s clearing up room to allow me to be ready to be ready… and I guess once I realize all of the factors that are in alignment… and then I realize… ok I’m ready to do this. So… yes it excites me to see what has challenged me in the past… I’m so much more confident that it’s not going to be as challenging as I think it is… I’m ok with challenge because it’s so worth it to get into it and see the benefits of the results of facing the challenge and embodying the results that are gained through facing… so yes… I enjoy the communication and relationship with the Universe… I’m so blessed to have reached this state of union… it’s what I’ve always desired but didn’t know until I was in it. We’re in it folks… we just don’t realize it until we do… and to do so we have to make commitments to be more intentional in all areas of our life. Ok… let’s get back to safe space and trust. Let’s go into trust real quick… it’s a bit funny but I’ve always been on the side of trusting in my life however I didn’t realize the balance of finding a safe space to really be able to trust. What am I saying? Let’s just bring up the Australian man again… I had gotten so many messages about him and I cannot express how much I trust the Universe and when I was receiving these messages I’ve been demonstrating to the Universe just how much I trust it by overcoming fears.. and when I notice areas of fear I want to explore and discover so the fear can dissolve.. or at least reduced… so we shared intimacy when we met and we met through Aya ceremonies where safe space was present… we were able to be vulnerable and explore and express in this safe space… but when we found ourselves out of the safe space… things changed. I wanted to continue the vulnerability and exploration to continue… my communication didn’t change, but for him… it was different when he returned back to the real world… his communication changed and his opinion of me changed as well. When I went to visit him there were details that he was expressing that he’s not ready to be vulnerable right now.. he was going through a divorce and even though we wanted to see and visit with one another… there was a wall up… and yes safe space wasn’t present but I wanted to trust and still went through the motions that I needed to to get the experience to learn from. But holy shit… I continued to trust because I continued to receive messages… and I’d try to reach out and express with my heart and I didn’t really realize he wasn’t able to create safe space for me. I know I felt this but I wanted to trust that the Universe is wanting me to engage with him… but the Universe was also telling me to be patient and wait… and I felt like I was doing this… but I’ve gain so many insights while I was dealing with him. And it’s to the point where his energy is not needed in my energy right now… I’m moving forward towards growth and if I continue to try to hold on.. that’s going to prevent me from growth… and I desire growth far more than a human. Finally the Universe was able to communicate to my thick skull that it’s time to cut the cord between us. Getting to a point of understanding that I trust the Universe completely and trust it will guide me through the unknown… and I trust myself to be able to walk the steps necessary for my human to learn through experience. I rarely opened up to expressing my romantic side to him… I knew he was not ready for that however we’ve been in our relationship for seven years.. so I thought we’d be able to get to a point where we could talk more deeply… but that wasn’t the case… and I’m not going to wait for him to be ready… in fact I’m ok to remove him and see who and what the Universe wants me to experience. That’s why I think again I was tearing up… tearing up and crying doesn’t come easy but it’s starting to flow much easier than the past… but the Universe knows my deepest desires.. and even though I know this is a deep desire I have… I get in the way and the Universe wants me to allow myself to experience the best and I’m just so thankful that it’s never given up on me… The Universe never gives up on us and knows our deepest desires and wants us to experience these desires… but it also understands the complexity we’ve woven around our hearts to be able to be ready to allow this bliss to enter our lives… I trust the Universe… I’ve been able to trust myself which in turn allows me to trust “others” which again in a way doesn’t exist.. but most people I’m speaking with right now are humans so the concept of others is a thing… so I was thinking about my current romantic interest now… He has been a safe space right from the get go… but of course my mind was not certain… it’s doing it’s thing of observing and contemplating… again.. there’s a desire for safe space to open up freely but again… my mind thinks it’s going to take time for observation before determining through thought to discern whether its a safe space or not… and just to let you know… it’s not like I knew I was looking for a safe space… hehe.. I’m satisfied being with my own energy and even though I want to find “other’ energies to connect and bond with… I’m not desperate and very picky and more patient. I’m noticing that I too have one foot out the door to escape if I feel the need to… and that’s what I’m understanding again by noticing that my body is speaking louder than my thought right now. It’s recognizing something that it wants the mind to understand… when I speak with the man I see that I want to be as honestly expressive than most… it’s hard to explain because I do this on the regular but I also know see there’s a deeper degree that can be embodied and its drawing me into a deep desire to explore right here and right now. My body recognized he is a safe space… I wonder how similar we are to each other when it comes to this… I wonder if he also found himself wanting to trust and find safe space to move into deeper levels of expression. To me from the brief observation that he seems to be well on his way of doing this comfortably and easily… like I was say might be something people perceive of me… but he admits that there is a messiness that he knows he wants to address and so maybe he hasn’t felt that safe space to explore depths to these degrees that we intuitive know exists but finding the combination of divine timing of preparing ourselves to be ready to be ready to open and surrender deeper. I want to be that safe space for him. But he says it’s hard for him to trust and so I understand there’s going to be a process of building this trust. And again… maybe he hasn’t had the loud communication of his body speaking to him like I have… and so maybe I can assume his mind and thoughts are what is speaking to him which makes him want to question everything and as hopefully he wants to be… doubt creeps in and it speaks strongly to carefully maneuver in the Reality in these areas… if this is the case then I completely understand. I’ve been slowly trying to interject to him that I’m not wanting to have a foot out the door right now. I want to keep both doors in… I’m wanting to completely surrender to getting to know one another and see how much growth we can find by committing to explore and surrender depths to allow benefits we don’t understand at this point but intuitively want to experience. I want to have both feet in but there’s also a side of me that is wanting him to know that there is a purpose that I’m involved in that involves universal connections… global connections is how I explain for a human to understand… I’m telling him I can give him a year which might be interpreted differently than what I’m trying to say. I am motivated to move in my purpose that’s universal… there’s something quite profound and grand that I’m involved with and I want this to be understood. Why I am saying a year I can give right now is because… I have a calling that will take me away from Indiana… from the States… into lands I haven’t known as this human body. But the quality of intention isn’t understood right away. I continue to walk with intention at all times. An example from the weekend would be when one of the guests gives readings using his crystals… I noticed people were sitting in the same room and when it was my turn I didn’t want to be difficult or rude.. I like everyone who was present.. but I didn’t want this experience to be public. I wanted it to be far more intimate… I wanted to remove ourselves from possible distractions… I wanted to focus and get myself to ground and receive… we moved into an area where no one present…and he commented on how he loves to see how intentional I am with this reading.. and it makes me chuckle because yes… I understand that the Universe communicates in many ways and if the Universe intentionally becomes intentional then clarity of communication arises… and sometimes not.. but again this is something subtle but sharing time together its understood… removing distractions allows intention as well… declutterring activities that surround the situation… I’m moving back to the moments we shared on the couch… even though I know I gained understanding by sharing this with him and everyone else in the space… but I also gained an understanding that where I am right now… I desire privacy and not a public display. And it wasn’t like anyone was watching us as if they were the audience to see what our interaction was going to lead to… but again I didn’t want to express myself in this environment. As much as I enjoyed enjoying the touching we shared… I was distracted with activities and I felt I couldn’t explore my intentions as deeply as I would like to. I mean this doesn’t automatically assume that when we are alone that I’ll be open either.. hehe… I just don’t know how things are going to play out. But I also don’t know if he has a desire to spend quality alone time with me either… but again I don’t think he knows whether he wants to either. We don’t know one another… and there’s a woman who came into his life expressing at surprised attraction towards him… he maybe wondering why? Maybe he’s wondering if I have alternative reasons? But I also noticed that he didn’t automatically close the door on me either. And I think being able to be around each other’s energy he was communicating that he’s willing to take some baby steps to see if there is a connection or attraction between us. But yes… he’s got a lot on his plate not only all the hostel stuff but his heart is occupied in dealing heavy feelings. I’m not in a rush… there’s nowhere I want to be right now except right here and right now. What I desire is to be intentionally present with him to build strength in trust. I feel there’s something far deeper than just romantic depths… that’s just the cherry on top… and if we find romantically isn’t where we connect or bond… then that’s fine as well… I see us partnering up far longer than the year I am committing to. I feel this year will allow an honest and realistic understanding of where we are and how we work together in multiple aspects of our lives. Many may think that a year isn’t that long of time…but holy shit it can be a life time of experience when living with intention. There’s been transformation from the year I spent in Utah and Colorado which was a year… but again there was an element of missing the feeling of a safe space… I can imagine that having a year of intent, trust, and safe space will again be the perfect combination from tangible growth that won’t be as subtle as in the past. When I say I want to be here for a year… doesn’t mean thats where it will end… in fact I want it to be the beginning of our journey together… allowing us the time and space to get to understand one another… if it goes even a hint of what I’m feeling and intuiting… we’ll want to choose to spend time together outside of Indiana to help support one another. I feel I can gain so many benefits to support him and his empire he’s been creating and it’s amazing and impressive… I’d love to dive deeper into his creative mind and be an assistant to allow him to remember to self-care and clear energies that linger and unnecessary… Even though I would love to support him, I’m also not wanting to lose my empire I am wanting as well… I know this is unshakable and I won’t forget but also communicating that I’m not wishy-washy about my purpose… but people want me to explain it through words and that’s challenging but hopefully I’ll find the words soon… or really when it comes it will come and until then I can express my passion for purpose can be understood by spending time with me. I don’t really know at this point but I have an intuitive nudge that this man has been working towards transitioning from human mind to Universal mind… and that’s where my line of work comes into play… I hope that through my support with his visions for a year will allow him to understand why he might want to support my vision as well… which isn’t excluding him… it’s going to be showing him the potentials that he might not have imagined quite yet… he’s brilliant and creative and has been manifesting larger than what an average human thinks is possible…and I have a feeling he’s confident to give back more to the larger community collective… I’ve made commitments in my purpose that has allowed me to move freely between communities learning about detachment which is not void of unconditional love.. but in my understanding that I’m willing to make sacrifices to create a connected whole ultimately… but my idea of sacrifice continues to mature and I don’t need to sacrifice to degrees where I don’t allow myself to enjoy opportunities I want to explore. I’m over whipping myself to be motivated and disciplined… these are things I am and graceful to the degrees I allow at different times when I fluctuate. Learning to dance to the art of Reality is becoming more masterful… and strategy is looking for that point of a degree of impetuous… I do care but I want to go all in because I recognize the potential results. And I have a feeling it’s far more that what I can imagine at this time but what I’m imagining it’s going to be worth it! And damn it I’m worth it too! I’ve been working to get to this point and I’m grateful how much doubt is clearing away… So again it seems like sex is a main focus right now and I don’t want it to be such a focal point but it’s an area that I’ve been setting on the side so yeah it’s now become important for me to address.. it’s been waiting to be addressed and now I see an opportunity. So in this environment there seems to be many who are involved who are open to sexual play. And they are not shy in their expression but very respectful. I’m sure they can smell it on me… that curiosity of exploration… I think they witnessed moments of raw honesty of bliss with ones that I’ve found to surrender and express…usually when it was in smaller groups that’s where I’m comfortable right now. This is reminding me of a message exchange with one of the guests during the weekend.. she was so sweet and expressive of how she appreciated meeting me and sharing time together… I’ll share the screenshot of part of the conversation. But I bond with people in smaller groups and with time to bond and express… that’s something I’ve noticed with this man the founder… I was able to build bonds with the guests and staff more than I could with him because of time shared… as much as I would like to go right now and share time with him… his attention is on work related issues… and again I’m wondering if he’s more attracted to dealing with me because of what I can help with his work? And I know I can help with him in his work… but I want to get to know him personally outside of work context. I don’t want to piece together who this man is through other peoples interpretations and stories of him… I want to go directly to the source and have my own experiences to create the picture through our shared time together. I feel he wants this balance and is taking tangible steps to create the opportunities to find the balance. I trust he’s already doing what he needs to to realize it for himself. And I also realize that there’s a part of me who wants to prove my worthiness. What have I been doing to make me think this? So… I’m very excited to be meeting the people I’ve been getting introduced to specifically at the hostel. I mean I’ve spent half my time there so they are the ones I’m getting interested in and I enjoyed myself. I notice that in a group setting I’m not as expressive but I also found amazing in depth conversations and bonding when it was one to one and smaller groups.. and those few have a better understanding of who I am because it was the space and time I needed to share myself openly. But again I didn’t get to everyone.. it was only over the weekend which didn’t allow time for me to get to everyone and I know people are attracted to one another and so I’ve been wanting to keep in touch with these people. So how do I show them a part of me that I wasn’t able to express through words? I love to make these video clips of a story I lived and I do this already but it was one way to demonstrate that hey… I’m worthy to get to know better… see… I’m creative and I don’t actually put a lot of effort into these videos… but I’m going to be more intentional in the quality but there is still a degree of intention at play but this will mature… and then I was inspired to create storytelling artwork to capture the event through digital art.. which again is something I haven’t really had the time to explore much but I have a degree of confidence in art that it can be presented with some degree of approval… another subtle way of worthiness through creativity… but then there was another event with more people who I want to get to know and also the case I didn’t get to everyone personally but desire to make arrangements to have that alone time to understand one another more… but I was a note taker… and I placed the timeline of getting the information out in a timely manner that again was a way to demonstrate my worthiness as an allí for this next year and also wanting to get a piece of art out during the honeymoon phase… but I’m rushing the process… I mean I like the artwork but it’s not really at the point that I’m like ok.. .this is why I’m trying this out… and I am concerned that this honeymoon phase is a short lived time period… why? I feel like I’m half assing things because of this perceived timeline I’ve place us on. I’m worthy and damn it if no one wants to find that out then why am I giving so much effort to prove my worthiness? And how many people am I trying to prove to? Again… it’s like what I dealt with in art in general… I hated when i was doing art when I was thinking what does the audience want from me? Let me brainstorm what they want… when I transitioned to not caring what they want and focus on what i want… it’s much more satisfying and fulfilling to approach art this way… and that applies now… and it also applies to showing my worthiness to the people I’ve met. It applies to my romantic interest as well… what does he want so I can prove my worthiness to get to know me better? I mean it’s easy to have the enthusiasm to help with projects around the hostel which can show my worthiness to be a part of the hostel… but there’s far more that I can help with than labor. I’m just used to showing worthiness through labor and results and efficiency. But I’m more sensitive now and I’ve found myself exhausted. And I’m getting messages that my role is changing.. and I’m not sure exactly what that means… but I have a degree of understanding that labor isn’t all that I’m good at… and labor is a very tangible degree to determine worthiness and a blunt way to notice… but I work in the subtleties… and I’d much rather follow what I want to do at each moment without pressuring myself of what i should do to show my worthiness… I’m trying to figure out how to weed out people who are not aligned with me at this time. I’m trying to maintain my energies and wanting to focus energy towards my purpose which encompasses many facets… but I’ve been thinking about temples… I thought that staying in one place limits the potential of ready people to find one another… but that isn’t the case. I found many amazing people by being at a temple… it was attracting the people together and we were recognizing one another… and so my original thoughts of me having to go and travel to find the people… that’s not always the case… many people I’m looking for are in areas that don’t allow the opportunity and freedom for international travel so I know I’ll be going to them… but right now I’m feeling of grounding my roots for awhile… and allowing the opportunity for people to find me. when I come to Indiana especially there are so many amazing people that I hope are ready to move forward to Universal mind… so I have lists of people I want to go and visit and spend time with… but I want to focus my energies… and I don’t know when people are ready… I just know I”m ready to expand.. and why don’t I see who gets attracted to the location I’m at? I mean I’ve always been impressed with the people I’ve met at the hostel… and it was clear it attracts amazing people just like the temple… the founder has built this vortex of attraction… and why not be able to work with this magnetism? He’s extremely magnetic however I feel like I am too… so why not increase the magnetism? I do enjoy labor admittedly… I’m so excited there’s a wood shop here at the hostel… and I haven’t had an opportunity to enjoy a wood shop before except for brief moments in college… the wood shop calls to me and the professors were noticing my affinity to wood and was trying to pull me into their department… I have some experience with carpentry and construction but to not great degrees… I studied architecture and interior design.. so building is something I want to build experience in… and I’m hoping this could allow opportunities… but when I was laying the floor I felt this pressure of getting the thing done in two hours… i felt tension in team members and I found it very challenging to be satisfied with my results… I was distracted with all the factors… and I’m not satisfied with the quality I settled with… but this is a skill I can foresee to build if I was able to be a part of this community for a year… but again skewing the schedule a bit… two hours of construction and woodworking isn’t much time for me to process and create comfortableness. Yeah… that’s something I noticed in the temple when it came to duties of labor… she had a long list of items on the labor list but it wasn’t available for everyone to know what was on the list. I’m not sure why but I could see having a vision of where the community is going is something I’d find valuable and motivating to contribute to that vision. But she also looked at her volunteers as laborers … I’m not saying she’s bad by any means… but she has a lot on her plate that she wants done and so she had a tendency to see laborers for items on her list. She wasn’t really getting to know the volunteers who came onto property… she didn’t really understand what value they have in this environment… she just knew they were there for a temporary period of time and then they’ll move on.. so she’s going to get as much labor as she can even if it’s half assed because at least it’s getting done even though we’ll have to rebuild shortly after… I started to see that if people had specific skills in building she would have projects for them to work on which again wasn’t on a list anyone knew about only herself… so I’d ask the volunteers who came to the temple by court for community hours to give if they have a skill relating to building and so she was able to get specific tasks done by specialized volunteers you know like electrical issues and such… again labor seems to be an easy qualifier of value of someone’s worth… but we all understand that life and communities are so much more nuanced than that. I’d like to look at the nuisance more in this community. I feel like I want to find a recruiting system in the pool of volunteers. I’d like to see what all websites that are out there for people prone to volunteer work… I know there were a few that I learned from the LDS which I browsed through… but I’d like to personally do some outreach to the local population too… geesh I’ve got so many ideas of how I would like to approach this community… but I literally don’t know who I’m working with at this moment. I just have a strong desire to get the chance to know him more. Let’s just stop right here and understand that I have not spoken to him about his visions and goals in a deep manner… I heard what people shared during the meetings but I want to read between the lines… they are so immersed in the community that sometimes it takes an outsider to observe something about the community that it cannot see for themselves… that applies to individuals as well… so thankful for the people I meet who are honest about what they see in me that I couldn’t see for myself.. it’s helpful. But I’m going to stop entertaining visions of what I’d like to help the property with until I actually get the quality time I need for understanding. I do like hearing what they’re sharing but we didn’t get to a point of steps to move forward… some questions seemed easy to answer… but again I like to work with subtleties and nuance… and observing and feeling out a community will give me far more understanding then listening to the words that were shared. And even though I love the people I met.. I also know there is so many lovely people I’ve met and have been building a relationship here in Indiana… again… maybe I’l be more patient to who I’m drawn and attracted to work with instead of just thinking about everyone and narrowing my focus to the ones who are magnetic and attractive. My communication with the Universe is expanding and I’ve realized an example of what that communication looks like with this hostel for example and it’s founder. I felt the draw and wanted to visit these events before i came here… so the lines of communication are open and there just expanding the ways of communication and I willing to expand my communication as well. Music is calling to me… nature is calling to me.. deep bonds are calling to me… transformation is calling to me… building is calling to me… safe space is calling to me… I feel like safe space is becoming more apparent and the different ways that can be applied to my life right now… in a physical manner… no matter how much I love and respect my father… his house is not a safe space to feel comfortable in. It’s again challenging to explain because he is a safe space… he’s been a safe space for me all my life and why we’ve become so close… but his actual home is not a safe space. It’s cluttered and dirty which is distracting and time consuming and tedious especially when I know the efforts and energy I place into it will only last a limited period of time since this isn’t a concern for him right now… but it’s been really challenging for me to cook and even clean myself while I’m here… there’s no running water… which again shouldn’t be that big of deal… this isn’t the only place I’ve stayed in that doesn’t have running water… but the care for cleanliness isn’t present right now… only in very specific areas… but I went eight months without a kitchen at the temple… when I spent two months with my buddy in Colorado we were having the best of time cooking together… how much i underestimated the value of having access to a kitchen will not be taken for granted… just like spending a year here with my pops with out a bathtub… I only took two to three showers when I was in Utah… I took baths.. I find it so beneficial and healing for my soul and so I didn’t want to take it for granted and when I knew I was coming back to Indiana… I knew I wasn’t going to have baths often and I also knew the condition of the kitchen I’d be working with… and I feel myself more resistant to stay in the place… I was able to create a degree of cleanliness when I was here last but it took over a year to accomplish this.. and when I returned.. it was back to where it was… i mean not exactly I see steps of improvements… but I just see so much energy to get it back to where I feel comfortable to be in this space. In fact maybe that’s what I’ll be doing today… just start cleaning again… I’m not sure how long I’ll be here and I cannot assume that I’ll attract somewhere different… so work with what I have and get it to a point where I’ll be able to maneuver easier. I seem to be working with my relationship with the cold a little more too… when I was in Colorado in the airstream I wasn’t as cold as one would assume… it took a little bit of adjustments but I found I was able to sleep and be comfortable in the cold… my dad is also concerned about me being cold because there’s no central heating but he has portable heaters and he keeps wanting me to use them and has given me a heated blanket… and i’m grateful for the concern and tools to keep warm.. but I also feel like the cold isn’t affecting me in the same manner. There time for adjustments and then I’m comfortable. I know I do appreciate him holding on to all of his clothes though…hehe… I’ve gotten rid of most of my belongings and I raided one of his closets to find some sweaters to wear since fall is ending shortly and winter will be upon us. I’ve got plenty to choose from… and I’m grateful… I do enjoy being with my pops… he said last year that he doesn’t want to spend the whole winter here at the house because it’s challenging and we aren’t really invited to the holidays with my brother and the grand kiddos… so it’s just not worth toughing it out the winter and wants to go to New Orleans to visit a cousin who recently moved there. He wants to go for the food…he loves to cook Cajun and wants to enjoy authentic Cajun… he asked me to go… but I said I’d go for the food but I don’t want to go to New Orleans.. I’d want to go to the bayou… in the boondocks… no man’s land… hehe… I can do both but I wouldn’t want to spend much time in the city… i know I’ll find enjoyment there… but I’d like to focus my time in the country… also I’m not certain I’m too thrilled to visit with the cousin… again something in small doses would be good but not a heaping helping…hehe… love her but energy is pretty intense… I know it will help me see where I’m at with dealing with this style of energy but I’ve already had that with someone who lives in my hometown… he’s got intense energy that’s also needy… and the result is I’ve told him to stop reaching out to me at this time… he’s going to have to wait until I reach out to him.. he’s repelling me with that type of energy… it’s really the neediness and desperation of attention… it’s not something I have the energy to share with this person. and subtlety and nuance just goes right over his head so I have to be straightforward and firm. He does the same thing to my childhood girl friend and that’s how he was introduced to him again he’s a neighbor of hers… but she hasn’t made it clear to him where her boundaries are and was complaining about the frequency of his communication and asked if I’m still dealing with it… and I was happy to say no I’m not dealing with it… I was clear in my communication for him to not reach out and I’ll reach out to him instead. I’ll probably go and play a round of disc golf one day with him… but not at this moment… however… hmmm… maybe that’s something I’d like to do right now and then come back to cleaning… yes… nature calls to me and I love the woods here where I play disc golf… yeah… that’s what I feel like doing right now. Ok.. cool… I think this was a good session again… until next time… enjoy

Alright… so let’s see what can be brought out… I got back with dinner with my pops and I’m in a more relaxed state and I’m curious to see what’s going on… so I did want to mention that these moments of fear again aren’t scary for me… in fact I haven’t been aware of these moments for awhile now… that’s been a strategy of mine to do so many activities which is out of my comfort zone so I can live a life without fear… so just as I saw this squirmish thing happening.. I now see that there’s a fear I’m going to be working on as well. I tell people that I look forward when I’m in situations and I get triggered because its a flag for me to see that there’s something to work on and so this is another flag that I want to address. It wasn’t extremes amount of fear but even the subltlest of fears seems to be noticed which is a great thing. So… let’s see how to approach this. When I was in this state earlier there were some thoughts that were bring brought up that I noticed… deserving of love and worthiness… so I’m guessing this is the area that I’ll need to explore more into. Again it’s not that I don’t work on this but specifically when it comes to romantic situations…. I’ll have to address this. Another thing I want to mention at this time is there’s so much inspiration I have from the intentional community event… but I feel like this is something that is occupying my mind and I’d like to purge for a little while so I can free up space to address community networking opportunities. So… where was I before I noticed my body’s reaction… I was talking about my romantic interest having a foundational partner which allowed a buffer for me to approach this. It’s funny all of this is… because I had an idea I’d be working on this in my life and been getting messages to help prepare me, but living through it… doesn’t seem to be anything I could have prepared for but I do see that it’s not hard to walk myself through these challenges.. and it also feels like it’s not really challenging… it’s just something that needs to be addressed and I’m actually looking forward to remove any blockages that remain. So… why does my mind want to make this something completely different than my original thoughts? When I heard he was going through a separation there were thoughts and emotions about this. Let’s see if I can express them… so like I said it was heavy energy and I want to be someone who can hold that space but I also realize I haven’t built that trust to be that space for him. He did mention that it’s hard for him to trust people and that was something said in passing and not directly towards me, but there’s ways of communicating in a group setting that still allows people to get a better understanding of where we are right now. I also remember that there was an approach in that morning meeting to speak with him in a way that was directed towards him but also in a casual way that most won’t really get all the information I’m eluding towards. He was expressing himself and how it’s going to get messy… and I guess I felt to express myself as I’ve literally in front of him address and express issues I’m working on and it was definitely messy and not as smooth as I hoped but it was necessary to see how I authentically feel at the time so I can get a better understanding where I’m at. I was telling him that in a short time he’s been able to get me to express messy emotions and thoughts and not only did I observe all the mess and squirminess… he did too… and he was brilliant at holding the space for me to do this. And I didn’t go into too much detail of what our conversation was because that was personal and it’s not time to talk about this with fam staff or guests. We have no clue what this is and we don’t either… so yes just hinting that messy is going to be so worth it because of the growth that’s going to be gained from it… we’re both passionate about growth and we’ve found this in our own ways but it seems like we’ve been successful at approaching growth and apparent that it’s going to be something we’ll be able to hold the space for growth to happen. He responded that he loved to be part of watching the squirming thing I was going through etcétera etcetera… in the moment I was like what is happening and why are you reacting this way… but I also see how brilliant it was to be as transparent as I could be at that moment. So again what’s the difference between him being involved with his partner or not? Well… I guess if he had a tight bond with a partner… I assumed that maybe that would allow buffering to where his attention wouldn’t be focused on me… I obviously don’t know exactly how he approaches his life or relationships but I figured that there could be an attraction and bonding but again the intensity wouldn’t be there because he already has someone he has built a bond with. So I’m not sure who else he might be talking with or dating or has relationship with… we haven’t spoken about this with him… I only knew of his nesting partner and the girl he brought to visit the hostel.. and so I don’t know what’s going on there either. Hell I don’t know what’s going on with us either… that’s the thing this has come out of nowhere.. and hasn’t slowly built up.. I mean the slow build up would be only noticeable with myself.. I knew his posts were attracting my attention which was making sense that he’s an amazing man… but I didn’t think about having this amazing man as a potential romantic partner. I thought he’s a potential for Enlightenment work that I do… and usually even with these people it’s a long term slow relationship… many are not ready to dive deep and allow themselves the time to work on spiritual work… so I guess I’m always assuming that I’ll spend my time with them as much as I can while I’m around but I’ll need to continue moving on to find more people to network with and to add to my list of potential Enlightenment workers. So yes it came as a surprise that I was finding him more attractive once I was in his presence. He’s handsome, yes, but his magnetism has to be felt. And observing how he manages his attention with all the people involved in his hostel.. is remarkable… however yeah it seems like there so many attentive people… hehe… its’ not a bad thing but to me when I watch this.. it was tiring just vicariously living through him through observation and I’ve only been observing for what 8 to ten days now… it’s not much time and he does this for eight months out of the year… again I’m exhausted just imagining it… but he’s found his way of moving in this and he might be more on the extroverted side where he gets energy from all of these interactions… I’m not sure but I hope to find out. So… there’s hesitation in me right now because in my mind… he’s going to need time to process this breakup… She was important in his life and if she’s being removed there will need to be attention to understanding and processing where we are at without them in our lives. I mean I’ve been going through this myself just weeks ago I have cutoff the Australian man in my life… and I’m super surprised at how quickly I’m able to entertain romance… I know I want to share intimacy and vulnerability in a romantic relationship but I have been getting more grounded in my relationship with the Universe and we’ve been communicating that this present moment I’m only keeping myself back from trying to pursue someone who doesn’t reciprocate or have mutual feelings, limited communication, and literally half way across the world. So again.. was I clinging onto something I couldn’t have to keep myself in a forever land of buffering? The visions in ceremony are strong so that wasn’t wrong… but it’s always had messages for me to be patient and as my communication deepens with the Universe the more trust and confidence I have to make changes and it does seem like it’s not taking me long to make those changes…. In fact every time I make changes the more I appreciate that the Universe has always had my back and continues to show unconditional love for me. And I feel when I was tearing up earlier was just that… I’ve been wanting this opportunity and I’m grateful that this has been getting addressed in my experience. It allows me to see that I’ve been doing the work to understand I do deserve happiness in all ways… romance is not something I have to live without anymore. I’m a bit bewildered because it’s been noticeable of who I’m actually attracted in this manner.. I was debating if I was to start dating again that it would be persons that I’ve already been building a relationship with … not someone I spent a brief few days with six years ago. I guess with the people I was thinking about was just that… I was almost thinking that certain people I already knew which one would be a good pick… but that was all it was… me thinking I should do it and I should just think about who that someone is… and when I’m around these persons… my body didn’t show any signs of recognition of deeper feelings or a deeper connection… right now… even though I’ve been asking my body what’s wrong with it… but it’s been clearly acting in a behavior that is not regular and yes there seems to be a recognition of the potential for something far deeper then I’ve been willing to allow myself to experience. But again… he’s going through a break up… and so I don’t want him to think I could be a good rebound for him to get over his feelings. I told him I was attracted to him before I knew he was going through a separation… I’m not looking for a short term fun hookup… I didn’t know originally what I was looking for but it’s again becoming more and more obvious that a deep connection for the long term is what I’m looking for… and what I’ll be attracting into my life… and quite possibly is what’s happening right now. So… I’m also stepping softly right now because I’m not certain how he sees me right now. He’s only had a few days to gain any opinion of me as a person. I mean I can find myself being eager to get more time with him because I’d love to get to know him better, but again as a buffer I can use the hostel as an excuse to spend time with him. And I do like to help and most owners of any business that meets me usually would love me around to assist in their business professionally… and so that is keeping me in check as well… he asked if I have anything going on to where I don’t spend more time here at the hostel… and I told him that the biggest thing that is stopping me from sticking around for longer is that I am unable to bring my cat with me. I’ll leave him with my pops for up to five days or so… but not much longer than this… I’ve already been out and about a lot since we returned to Indiana and he’s been freaking out and seems to be laying on me almost the entire time we are together because he’s missing me and also afraid that I’ll be leaving him. So he said if he could find a solution for my cat… I’d consider helping out for the last month before they close down for the winter… and I said yes that’s the main thing that’s preventing me from staying longer. As much as I’d like to think he wants me around to get to know me, but a more realistic part of me is also thinking that he really wants me help remodel the manager’s house… and I enjoy doing this… but I’m not sure how I can get to know him in a deeper manner as a staff member persona… right… first of all there are not many opportunities to have privacy together… he’s who everyone wants attention from… if I’m there as a staff member will I just be working to only get a few moments a week to get some quality alone time with him? That’s what I really want is to actually date him… I feel like spending a day with him would be so much more satisfying then then twenty minutes here and there throughout a week. I don’t need his attention everyday… but I could definitely give him a day of full attention… hehe… I’m thinking of getting him out into the middle of nowhere where we cannot get a signal and we’re completely cut off from getting distracted. I wonder if he’d be interesting in trying that out with me. I have a feeling we wouldn’t be bored together… I’m thinking if wee go camping or something like that where we are present in the immediate space around us… we aren’t talking to the people on the phone.. but talking with the people who are there and sharing the experience with us.. they could be strangers but getting to know the strangers and getting to know each other… exploring the surroundings and also allowing time for us to do our own thing… I could see him enjoying reading a book… hmmm… he’s an artist… I don’t know carry some art supplies to allow him the opportunity for him to create. This is reminding me what I said to him when we had a conversation before he left. I was telling him how much I’d love to spoil him… I feel like he deserves this… caretaking for so many people… I want to take care of the caretakers… and I’d love to have the opportunity to spoil him… and I’m not sure if he’d be able to trust me enough to allow that to happen… I also don’t know him well so I wouldn’t even know how to spoil him… my first gut feeling is to remove distractions and clearing out his energies… so he can just be with his own energy and help him relax into getting spoiled…. So yes I tend to think of soaking in baths or hot springs and a lot of massaging… I love giving massages but I also realized while I”m doing this that not everyone is as receptive with massages as I’d hope. Maybe there’s an expectation of what a massage would be like.. and maybe that’s something I should ask but I just go with whatever I’m feeling at the moment. I do ask… but most just leave it up to me without direction… and honestly that’s how I am too. I haven’t had many massages in my life and so yeah i don’t have experience to give direction… i feel like it’s better to communicate while I’m in the middle of it… hehe… and I also try to enjoy myself regardless. He’s a photographer and he captures beauty which seems effortlessly and so finding a setting that inspires him to shoot as long as he’d like to… hmmm… bringin his hello out into the dessert.. hehe… there seems like there’s a lot of creativity he’s been developing and maybe he does find the time to do this already in season, but just in case they get set to the wayside… I’d highly encourage him to allow time for creative self-care. Hehe… removing distractions… I told him that I haven’t used a phone consistently for seven years now… it’s been very healing to not be as easily accessible to everyone… I’d at least would like to suggest to keep the phone at home at times… Enjoying moments where there aren’t bings and chimes of someone who wants your time, energy, and attention… allowing himself to give his time, energy,and attention to himself… hehe… so yeah… maybe as much as I’d like to do this with him… maybe he just needs to do this alone. He said he was taking a few days off.. but he’s still active in the hostel chat… so he didn’t completely remove himself away from work. I’m still trying to see what I can observe with his approach to work. It’s been interesting watching his relationship with his staff… it’s been evident that there’s mutual respect but I’ve also seen a bit of tension in one of the staff members… they’re respectful with one another but there’s friction… because of the frequency in chatting in the FB chat, the admittance of having a hard time to trust people… I wonder if he has challenges in control issues or micromanaging… which could be present slightly but I don’t think tha’s what’s going on at least the only thing that’s going on… so yes right I’m not interviewing anyone to get details of what’s going on… I just gather bits and pieces that I hear to put a picture together… i have far more opportunities to talk with the staff and I’m able to get more details.. so the person with a tendency to have friction has mentioned some puzzle pieces… he mentioned that there was a second manager he worked with but I don’t know if it was supposed to be originally a two manager situation for this season or not. I feel like there’s movement in this hostel and so flexibility has to be developed in this environment. This person also admitted that they don’t have experience in hospitality and social settings isn’t their forte and so grateful to have this opportunity but also sees how it’s worn on them. It sounds like he’s been giving great effort through the season… but I’m coming at the end of the season and I understand that a lot of energy has been used for managing people which can be challenging and I feel for them. But I’ve also noticed how detail oriented they are as well when it comes to direction… it seems like the directions have to have a step one to step two before going to step three… and it seems like there’s also a lot of asking for permission to have confidence to trust they can do what’s asked of them. Not that I see them as needy… but there are tendencies there and as much as I think they want to be independent their approach seems like they’re not there yet and there’s a struggle to want it one way but not able or comfortable enough to work in the desired way of the mind. Because the confidence is not there. So yes… Ican see why he’s so hands on… He’s so intuitive that’s extremely sexy to me.. there’s been so many times that I see how intuitive he is so I’m sure he has to be flexible with the staff that happens to be there at the time. He’s been saying how he’s wanting to hand over responsibilities to his staff, but I think because of the current staff structure he has to be more of the leader for them to be confident to make decisions for action. I love the conversation that I’ve been sharing with everyone there. I can see how I approach conversation changes whenI ’m dealing diverse individuals… which also will apply to diverse teams that most likely shifts throughout the season… ok I feel like I’m on a tangent again and want to reel it back but I’m also feeling quite tired as well… my eyes are barely open… hehe… I want to dive in deep but I also feel like I don’t actually have the energy to do this at this time. My mind is wandering as well… so yeah… I’m going to go ahead and stop for tonight and rest. I feel good with the processing I allowed myself to do today… alright… until next time… enjoy!

Wowzers… ok… so I had an amazing time at the event this weekend and there seems to be so much that’s running through my mind at this time. Hehe… I have some work to do but I felt like I should start writing before I dive back into it. So how do I begin? I guess I’ll start with the moment of bliss that I had during the event… not that the entire time was fabulous.. but there was a break through moment and I’ll start with that. So there’s some context that I’ll give to set things up. This hostel that I’ve been going to the events seems to have an energy that allows for a safe space which is pretty normal for a location, but what’s really special is the people who are here. I am noticing myself letting loose a bit more. I seem to enter a space and observe to see how far I can open up with the people I’m with. I understand there are different levels of consciousness we could say and so some environments are a bit more open compared to others. So I have been noticing myself feeling out this space. I guess a good example of this… is I went a few days earlier to help out and so technically I was a staff member at this time… and I was doing jobs and such like laying floor tiles and cleaning out the compost toilets.. so I was technically working as a staff member however… it didn’t really dawn on me until Saturday night… my awareness noticed a shift in me where… holy shit.. I am a team member for this hostel… hehe.. I’m trying to explain something that is subtle. But again during the event I was doing the duties asked from me… I was one of the note takers for the meetings, cooking and cleaning for our guests. But after we had a drum circle where I’ll get to in awhile which was my break through moment… but there were guests who needed assistance with their rooms and questions… and I started to see myself actually shifting into team mode without anyone asking me to do so. There actually were two staff members inside that I could’ve asked to help… but I just started to do it myself and most things I didn’t know how to do.. like looking at the computer system to check people in and see what rooms are available.. yes… I just hadn’t got to these types of positions yet because there’s normally staff who is there doing it… but I started to get into the nurturing mode.. and felt like these guests aren’t just the hostel’s guest, but they became my guest and I wanted to help them to the best of my ability… and I also noticed since I didn’t know too many details about the procedures and where all the rooms are and their names… so I felt like I was doing my best but I can definitely learn more to do better next time. But yes… I could see areas where I was still wanting to be an outside observer with this space. I feel like I was really trying to see who really am I working with… do their values align with my values? And so again… it felt like I started to notice and allow myself to get in deeper with this community. It’s really interesting also because I usually can express myself openly and honestly; however… I’ve been noticing moments where I still have hesitancy and this place will help me with this. Everyone seems to be very receptive without initial judgements and just a safe space… I don’t want to have to decipher if each space is ok to express openly and I can see me gaining more experience while I’m here. And I can see this becoming a part of who I am… and I understand that I’ve been working on this already and I’ve seen improvements.. I just notice the potential to expand in this area will definitely increase here. There is a shift of not playing small any longer. I can feel myself not wanting to play this game any longer. And I’m ready to embody this in a much deeper and consistent way. So… I’ve been playing instruments since I came to the hostel and I absolutely adore the fact there are available instruments to play with. We have head and heart morning meetings and part of this is saying our daily personal ambitions.. and on Saturday I said I wanted drumming to be my personal ambition. The communities that came to this event actually are very familiar with drum circles around the fire… and I was hoping to get one going that night. I started to seed this idea during our break where I needed my own space since it’s a very social event. But I grabbed a djembe went to a picnic table away from the group to just practice drum beats I’ve learned. I wish I could remember more of the rhythms but there seems to be three that stand out and the others I’d have to look up the recording to remember… but anyway… I wanted to seed the drum… Before dinner I was asking questions about events with drum circles and said it would be nice to get one started tonight… one participant said that her husband will be more then likely will want to participate. He had arrived later and I hadn’t had anytime to share any time with him. He actually cooked all the guests an Indian dinner which was delicious… I was talking with one of the staff members about possibly grabbing some instruments and bringing them to the fire circle… but I think we got shy and decided to not do it at that moment. It started to get late and many were already heading back to their space to rest… and then the husband came outside to the fire with a steel drum.. I was like Yesss, finally… he played in the background as people shared conversations.. and finally I approached him and asked if I could play along with him? He was very open to it and so I grabbed another steel drum and sat next to him. Now I have played this style of drum before, but still very new. So I asked if he could give me a few tips… and he said that I can just focus on the heart beat… always remember the heart beat. And so we had a steady slow heart beat and I was hitting the other tones to hear the sounds to compliment the bass heart beat… and he was playing easily next to me.. and I had to remember the heart beat… as I started to experiment more… hehe… I had to keep remember the heart beat… and for the most part I was doing well but missed the beat too..hehe… but then there was marijuana that was being passed around the circle. Normally it’s an automatic no for me since I passed out four times last time I tried and slept for six hours in the middle of the day because it just didn’t mix well with my chemistry… but there is a specific situation that I seem to find that I do enjoy participating. I said… ok… one… I am staying where I’m smoking… so if I need to sleep or pass out… then I can just walk to my bed and I can sleep.. so the setting was here. And the second requirement would be having an instrument in my hands. I don’t smoke marijuana anymore but from time to time I try to see if I can still do it because in the past I was an avid smoker and thought I wasn’t normal without it… but that was different substance then it is now… but when I’m playing instruments… my mind stops over thinking and it seems like I start to play music very naturally and as if I’ve been practicing with the instrument that’s in my hands at the time. I remember I found Shwag in Cusco and I found a guitar in my hands… which again I’ve had opportunities to play but nothing extensively… and normally playing rhythm on the guitar is challenging only when I’m not smoking shwag… when I smoked it… it seems like I’m just very comfortable and it comes very natural and I sound harmonious with the instrument… even though it’s not complex.. the simplicity I can find at these moments are quite blissful. Last time I was in Indiana I found myself drumming at a friend’s place and again I smoke with him… and by the way I want to let you know what smoke means to me… I take a hit… and mostly a half a hit…lol.. I don’t take much in because it doesn’t take much for me to feel it and also I’m not trying to numb out so yes a half a hit is what I enjoy if I can sleep and create music… but while together we had an amazing drums session together… I mean even his high school son ended up coming out of his room to join us on his drum kit… and it was so awesome! The only thing about this past occasion I had to drive back home and I remember getting lost and driving extremely under the influence and I hated it. But back to the story… I went ahead and took the half hit and it did just that… allowed me to surrender to the experience without doubt but filled with curiosity. So yes… I just started to get far more into the drumming… it seemed like I found a rhythm and then everyone started to sync around that… at first it was just the husband and I …. And then we had someone come in with a smaller djembe… and then more and more grabbed instruments and joined in… and it was wonderful… once people got the beat and was able to keep with it… I started to experiment and explore and it felt effortless to do this… and that heart beat was there in my mind but I didn’t have to keep it with the drum at all times… I could hear all of the space to play and then return back to it. I could feel everyone really getting into the same zone… I started to notice people dancing along to the music… I have played in drum circles before and it doesn’t seem that everyone’s on the same page. To me many times it seems like there are people who are tying to play with one another but then we’ll also get the ones that don’t hear the community drummers and they just start playing their own thing which isn’t as harmonious then trying to compliment everyone around them. That’s actually why I joined a drum troupe last time I was here… because I wanted to be harmonious with a team of drummers… and this was more structured where each song has around six different rhythms created to work together… and so it was easy to feel like you’re a part of the team… and it felt really good to be working together with everyone in the drum circle… but this night… this was the first time i was sitting with a group of drummers and players who I hadn’t met before this event… and everyone was trying to cooperate with one another… and not only was it harmonious… I mean it really could’ve been a song… it felt so good to be a part of this. I started to get excited and I felt everyone else was getting excited as well… and so we continued. The second round I was listening to the new beat that was being created… it didn’t start right away… but yeah you could feel everyone trying to find how they were going to be a part of the new song… and then all of a sudden… I started to hear the connecting music in my mind… I started to hummm… and I tried to play the music I was hearing with the drum but it wasn’t coming out the way I was hearing it.. and so I stopped drumming and started to sing the rhythm instead… it was absolutely fucking amazing… I didn’t have lyrics.. but just sounds of rhythms that seemed to bond the drum beats together… I hadn’t have that happen to me before… I mean when I’m in Aya ceremonies… I have had this experience where I just know how to sing… I feel Ike it comes out so naturally that I don’t notice any steps to get to that comfort level.. I guess there are times where I’m more exploring with my voice and so I do see playing with the sounds… but in these past situations… it was just my song… i guess I have tried to sync with my shamans Icaros as well but not as successful as it was this Saturday night… It was just different… I hadn’t experienced it before but it just came out of nowhere and I do want to thank for the safe space for me to participate in smoking which is rare thing… but this substance helps me to stop overthinking when playing music and I loved it… and a little after I was singing the rhythms… the husband’s wife said she has a chant that she could teach me…and I told her that I’m already in my zone.. if you want to join us, please feel free to do so… and shortly after… she started to sing with us… oh my god! We were making a song and it was so satisfying and blissful… I’m getting goosebumps just by thinking of it… She has a beautiful voice and I cannot wait to be able to get together again and see how this harmony develops. I was buzzing and continued to buzz until the next morning… however it was after the drum circle that I started to feel like I was a hostel family member. I noticed checking in with people before I went to bed… and when I woke I was checking on the ones I ran into to see how their experience is going. I took a soak in the tub and I was trying to do this quickly because I was trying to make our morning head and heart meeting. People wanted to visit with me and I wanted to enjoy a moment and finally I was afraid I was going to be late… and I was a few minutes late… we happened to have the meeting out on the roof this morning… I’m buzzing and filled with bliss and gratitude and curiosity to what the near future is going to bring… and I sit down and start to listen to what is being discussed… the founder was sharing and he seemed to be cumbersome… he’s going through a separation with his core partner… his nest partner… and I was like holy hell… what did I just walk into? There was a heaviness in his posture and voice… it seemed like he wasn’t prepared for this extent of exchanging their belongings back from one another… He was telling us that he planned on taking a week off once the hostel closes for the winter, but he’s going to take a few days off now so he can handle the exchange and emotional work that goes into situations like this and time to process this gravity on him. He finished with hope and positivity but it hadn’t reached his heart yet… it felt like his mind knows things will work out eventually but his heart hurts and wasn’t ready to get over it.. but feeling the need to express and digest and process and however long that will take… I’m not certain a few days will be enough time to go through this weight… I’m sure it will be lighter to some degree… but definitely not floating. A few other family members weren’t feeling the best either… and it made me think maybe I shouldn’t be so happy then… again.. maybe I should dim my light just in case it’s not easy to handle when feeling down. I decided I wasn’t going to not be grateful and express how much the drum circle did a breakthrough for me somehow… it was expressed in a more calm and collected manner instead of overflowing with excessive energy. The founder was able to get a little time to talk with us personally before he left and we had a good conversation… but yes… I’m just happy I was able to give him a comforting hug… he admitted that he’s a delayed processor… right now he cannot get out of the need to be the collected boss and director… he can wait to allow himself that time to process… and I understand this… I think I’m going to switch into my observations when it comes to my romantic feelings that have been bubbling up when I’m with him. I’ve been able to process quite a bit, but I feel like I’d like to see if there is something I’m missing as well because there’s just so much activity I’m processing and so many spotlights on growth that I’d like to focus in this area right now… because I know this is something I’ve been wanting to work on and I”m finally get that change to observe myself to see what messages I can gain to guide me. So… how do I start? Well… the last time I wrote I mentioned how much I was squirming… I mean that was a huge indicator of something new in my awareness that I’m not comfortable with because it just doesn’t happen… hehe… ok… so this has given me an understanding of the true attraction level I have for him. I don’t find myself talking with other people.. I might even be talking about my sexuality with others and I don’t squirm… it’s as if it’s quite normal to talk about my sexuality because its something that might seem like an intimate situation talking about it… but there isn’t a potential to have an experience to dig deeper into my relationship to sexuality. I can recall when I was on that date night… I told him about this and I remember I wasn’t squirming when I was with the date. I feel in my subconscious it knew I wasn’t wanting to build something deep with this encounter… it was more of like an experiment to see how I was going to behave instead of approaching it as if it was something I was going to be committing to depth. I already stated that it felt like it was a performance and it wasn’t a natural curiosity of not caring where it leads just pure exploration… I was in my head trying to figure out how I should be performing for this person. I also had another conversation with a participant at the event which led to talking about working on my sexual relationship and he had asked me if I wanted to join him in a sensual meditation together that night. I immediately asked him what that would involve? He attempted to explain and all of a sudden I interrupted him and said… wait… I don’t want to know? I’ve been saying recently that I don’t want expectations or a destination when it comes to learning about my sexuality… I would much prefer to go in without having to hear expectations. I apologized for interrupting but I’m trying to make changes and I just caught myself going in a repeated pattern. He looked at me and said this is not the first time you’ve corrected yourself in front of me… it’s so refreshing to actually witness you doing active work in the middle of a sentence. It’s really aspirational. We continued our conversation and we didn’t have a sensual meditation together. It was in the back of my mind as a possibility which I am curious to see where it would have led.. but I’m understanding that my body didn’t react in a manner of depthness that I’m looking for. It was only when I was with my potential romantic partner… when I was talking with him… that’s where I saw my body and mind squirming to try to be confident in the conversation which wasn’t as easy as it usually is when I’m talking to people. Again this doesn’t happen to me… and so it was quite obvious that this was different. Observing myself I was in a bit of shock of wondering why it’s so challenging for me to talk about topics that doesn’t seem to be challenging to talk about… why with him? It’s because we have an actual possibility to build depth with one another. This is out of my comfort zone… and it’s hard to explain because this is what I do with everyone I meet… but this vulnerableness that I’m trying to express is far deeper then the degrees I’ve already been able to develop… I’m excited but also hesitant… hehe… at least I thought I would be hesitant but I’ve been finding I cannot sugar coat or avoid or distract when I’m speaking with him. We started our conversation with Enlightenment work and found reassured of the measure of Spiritual work he’s been able to reach thus far… and in this situation it was more on the lines of professional work… this is what I do and I talk about and gaining more confidence in speaking this way with everyone regardless of whom I’m speaking with. This is what I do and I take it seriously and I understand that this is a way to allow people to understand who I am and what I’m all about. But then he asked me what am I working on right now? And then the hesitation came… and the overthinking came..and the squirming came… Integrity is what I’m becoming and I could see myself asking if I should just do a roundabout way of answering the question… because I was uncertain how far I would express myself… I didn’t expect to tell him that I’m attracted to him within the first few hours of arrival. I figured I needed more time to observe him to validate to myself that he is someone I’m attracted to and make more calculated steps to approach this with him. Again… if I wasn’t really interested in building a deeper relationship with him… I wouldn’t have had the hesitation and just express my relationship to sex is a huge lesson I’m working on right now. But there’s something about him that my soul is recognizing and so the squirming about was quite present. I see that I don’t want to have mundane conversations where growth is not happening… so I can say that I could’ve brought up areas that aren’t deep... just mention easy topics to talk about… but it was quite obvious that I couldn’t do this and no matter how much that my thought that this is an option… there was nothing in my mind except to talk about my sexuality… there was no room in my mind to come up with any other idea… because this is the profound lesson that is strongest in my reality at this time… and damn it… reality likes to push me into areas of uncomfortableness to communicate where I am and is confident that I can process and make the necessary changes to allow myself to stop getting in my own way. If I continue to delay and observe with him… is just getting in the way… let him know there’s an attraction that is present… I let him know far better through the squirming by not being able to look at him.. I was looking at the trees and talking to them.. I was a mess… which demonstrated more communication then I did with my words.. but yes I was able to get it out without grace present… hehe… and he could see me blushing the entire time… Honestly I think he really enjoyed me in this squirmish state… it was honest and raw… i think he appreciated to see how I approach conversations with him. I appreciate it too but didn’t think or guess this was how it was going to unfold. So… I guess he’s going to know that I’m attracted to him from the start… so there’s no way for me to be smooth after this display… hehe So… what else did I notice being around him? Well… I noticed that we don’t get times alone together which actually stopped me from be squirmish around him the whole time. In fact i could definitely see the potential of how well we can work together in a professional manner… I like trying to explain how I like to be the surgeon’s assistant when I’m working with bosses… anticipating their needs and getting it for them to be successful and efficient… I enjoy being the right hand man… so far work wise… I seem encouraged. But let’s explore this a little more… because there are definitely rules set in place that doesn’t seem so easy for me to be in alignment with right off the back… I know most of this will stem from me not being a part of this community for a period of time… I’ve got a lot of freedom from my day to day and so there’s adjustments to make to be able to work in his system. So what am I talking about? So… I didn’t demonstrate punctuality well during this event… which is funny because I feel like I’m fairly decent with this… but again this might be in part that I wasn’t knowing that I was allowing space to be separate from the hostel family… but I feel like I had to apologize three times for being late… and two of them was due to taking a soak in the tub. Soaking in a tub gives me so much benefits and I will continue to do this for my self-care, but scheduling it better so I have time to make it on time. I hardly use a watch. I don’t have a phone and I carry around my iPad but time doesn’t usually play a huge role in my life. The system uses FB chat where they are communicating often to one another… I mean all of the time to me it seems because I rarely have that much engagement in this style. Right when I’m working at a location of with someone… I’m there with them and I try to remove as many distractions as possible to be present with Reality. I enjoy being intentional and focused… I can give quality contribution in this manner and I understand that I won’t lose this quality… I just understand that I’m going to have to make adjustments to be in this system. I already told a fam member that it looks like I’m going to have to get a phone again with a chuckle… this seems like a more obvious way for me to get a phone because normally I lose my phones within six months of having one and so I stop trying to get one because I guess the Unvierse implies it’s not necessary and I guess I haven’t gained enough experience to balance my attention when having one. So now… I’ll be needing a phone… the last time I had one I saw benefits of convenience when I’m in search of convenience however I didn’t like how convenient I am to everyone wanting my attention. It’s nice to tell people that I don’t have a phone.. I don’t have to feel pressure of answering someone right away because they understand that I’m not fully accessible at times… I’ve been able to respond when I have the time and desire… I don’t know why I wouldn’t still be able to do this even when I have a phone… removing distractions is an effective and easy solution… but I also understand when you introduce that distraction back into our lives… we really see our relationship to that distraction and not have a delusion of what the relationship is by our thoughts. So sweet… I’ll see how my relationship to a phone is going to go and how well I balance my relationship to it. I’ve also been noticing how much energy goes into being a community member too… right…. It’s far more social then what i’ve been accustomed to lately. I was at the temple farm for eight months… but thankfully for my cat we we’re able to stay pretty much to ourselves. It was ashram time for me… so I knew I wanted equal if not more time to myself than with the community. I was transitioning to more community than alone time by the time I left… but again I see this is something I’ll need to be aware of. So… again their schedule is everyday with one day off… this seems daunting for me… spreading my energy out instead of having it focused and then allowing enough time to process and relax for a few days… I mean in the meeting founders understand the importance of intentional volunteers… few number of intentional volunteers can out preform a bus load of unintentional volunteers. The same applies in hours of work as well… When there’s an intentional worker… working on the same project as an unintentional worker… things get done quicker and with better quality… for me this applies however… without rest and processing time the quality starts to diminish. I understood this at the temple and was able to get the six hours for four days having three days off… and I was able to find progress for work but also myself personally. I mean having only one day off I don’t even know if I could process anything… I mean I have to be relaxed to process and it might take an entire day to get relaxed enough to process. Yesterday I wanted to do more revising and deciphering of the notes from the meeting but I ended up finalizing designs from the caving event and so I was drawing on the iPad all day and messing with editing videos… I mean I was communicating with people from the event.. but I didn’t do the notes which I thought I should be doing… and even today I think I should be doing it as well….but also intuitively I knew I have things I want to process and I was able to find relaxation yesterday… and so now it’s the day of processing… after i get this information purged and out of my mind… I’ll be better ready to get back to deciphering notes and sending them to the communities for feedback and revision. So they have a schedule in the morning to meet, usually an hour to break before working for two hours together… we’ll take maybe a three hour break before we reconvene on what chore we are doing for the evening, then a gratitude circle before dinner we eat together sometimes…. Definitely if there’s a guest onsite. So… I’ve been able to find moments to myself on these breaks and they help… but I also found that there’s so many opportunities to have conversations and there’s such sweet and interesting people that I just want to spend as much time with them as possible… but I feel like my mind is flooding over with information for me to process… and because I’m excited a part of me is like wanting to go on this crazy rollercoaster but another part is saying slow down and process… and so right at this moment… I have to process when I’m alone with many many hours needed and most likely days. I arrived back at my dads late Tuesday… and had to babysit my cousin’s two year old and people were asking me if I want to hangout with them… and I just said no… I’ve been in social mode a lot lately… Thursday will be my first day alone… and damn it… I need this time… in fact… with what I want to get done at this time… I want to spend the whole weekend alone too… I mean it sounds good to me… in my head right now it seems like I’m placing a timeline on getting the things I have on my plate done soon… which would be nice because I feel like there’s more I want to put my energy into… but as a note taker I have this pressure that people from the event are waiting to see the notes… hehe… I’ve sent out rough drafts to two properties to revise and I haven’t seen any changes in the rough draft yet… hehe… it doesn’t seem like they’re not in a state of urgency…hehe… so why am I? I think because I want to work with these people I want to show them my professionalism… but I’m not sure if I’m able to show my values through flaming away… hehe… I guess I just need to release this perceived deadline I have in my head… I know I’ll find moments of inspiration and get a shit ton done… but be patient to have it come into my Reality when I’m ready… I also want to create storytelling artwork for this intention convention event… I’m enjoying doing this but I also felt this pressure yesterday when I was making the caving designs… I started to add tasks so I wanted to get this off my plate…and I feel like normally if I was doing this for myself… I’d enjoy exploring more with different ideas. I felt like I wanted to make sure I got their attention through the honeymoon phase, right… most likely a month after the event the excitement weens and I thought they wuoldn’t care to have artwork from the event anymore… but this stops being enjoyable for me and I want to remove this pressure. I thought making artwork will be building skills I’m wanting to build but I also thought it could be a way to make a little side cash too… but yeah… this is why I don’t usually like to make art for profit… I start to think what do they want instead of what do I want… I’m thinking they want something right now for the honeymoon phase…and I’d just rather not have a time limit and explore ideas and whenever it comes out it’ll come out and I can share it at that time regardless if they want to buy it. Ok… good… I’m feeling much better and more relaxed… I’ll get it done but I don’t have to get it done now… and getting it done now won’t be as quality as I would like to present. that happened to me when. Was laying the floor down… I was absent minded that day… it was hard for me to focus… Honestly I felt there was a bit of tension going on with team members and it was hard for me to not feel the tension… it was effecting my attention… I was cutting and measuring and wasn’t getting the results I wanted and so did it again… by the time I was getting into the groove it was time to put things away and leave… so again I felt like I was pressuring myself to just get it done… and in the middle of picking up I was like.. no… I’m not going to leave this undone… I want to finish it and I’ll walk back when I’m done… of course everyone was like no we’ll wait… and I’m like please don’t… I’m not afraid of walking alone… working alone… in fact in carpentry situations it’s really nice to be able to do this… I know they were being nice… but what I really wanted was to be alone with my own energy and just slow down and refocus… but they continued to clean up and so I’m sitting there debating whether i should recut the flooring because I wasn’t satisfied with its quality but the table saw was put up and things put away… should I just submit a half-assed submission? Yeah… I don’t see how I can do much carpentry work or any detailed focused work done in two hours… maybe if I’m in the middle of a project that I’ve been involved with for a period of time… but to come into a space with new heys and not understanding the direction of where things are leading… two hours won’t be the desired time for me. If I have to… I will but I’d like to show how much quality goes up with working in time needed to create quality… and after the rustiness wears off the speed of time will increase. Ok… I think I have processed enough to be able to address the romantic partnership I am wanting to process through… So what did I notice are areas of uncomfortableness that I found myself in? I noticed how uncomfortable I was with touch and watching displays of affection come so easily to most who were present. lol… in my mind touch has been a main love language that I crave in the past but it seems celibacy has removed my desire to touch or more like my hesitancy and limited my touch being nonchalant. I’m a hugger and I’ve found that hugging is still something I can do easily but I remember a time where I’ve stopped myself from hugging people. But yeah touch has been a way for me to express myself and I felt myself being uncomfortable touching… and I guess it again wasn’t in general touching.. it was touching my romantic interest when I saw my hesitancy and foreignness. And I mentioned that I was uncomfortable watching displays of affection which also makes me curious as to why? The only thing that comes to mind at the moment is because I’ve lost the consistency of having touch as a part of my life that now it’s become odd? Again.. it seems like it really depends on my mindset whether I’m comfortable or not.. because I do not hesitate to touch or help someone and using touch to assist in the situation… not anything to think about because it becomes me and quite comfortable but what are the moments of touch that is standing out right now… it was the moment I was sitting on the couch… we were about to have our morning meeting Saturday morning before all the big meetings… we were waiting for one of the fam staff to finish up his breakfast to join us, but he was very engaged in the conversation and didn’t notice us waiting for him… but three of us were early and we were sitting on the couch… nothing odd there… my romantic interest came in and asked if there’s room for him to sit in between us as so the two girls moved over to give him space to join us on the couch. We were sitting like three ducks in a row and when he came in he wanted to be more in a lounging position… hehe.. so he was trying to get himself comfortable so he leaned on the girl who was next to me and so his posture was facing me and I felt myself wanting to relax and get comfortable but I felt a bit stiff and rigid. The girl and him have no reservations of touching one another affectionately and they seemed to have a bond where they were easily open to share affectionate… I’m not even sure what they were doing because of my stiffness I wasn’t even able to turn my head much because of my awkwardness…. Hehe… I glanced a bit and I think she was using her fingers to play with his hair and bit of a massage for him… and maybe she was only doing this with one hand because I saw his other hand was playing with her fingers in her other hand… and he placed his other hand on my knee and asked if I’m ok with him doing this… and I said yes, but then I started to watch how I was behaving in this moment. I didn’t really know what to do… hehe… I feel like I moved my hand out of the way and I eventually slowly placed my hand on top of his… it wasn’t in an affectionate way… it was as if I was a corpse that placed my hand on top of another and it was just laying there motionless… hehe… it’s funny because we haven’t really shared moments of affection before and my first opportunity was sitting on the couch the four of us and then there’s about twenty people sitting at the dining table eating their breakfast deep in conversations… so of course I’m glad that I’m getting the opportunity but again surprised by when and how it was unfolding… hehe… I’m a mess but I know I’m going to work through this but it’s funny to see things play out. We were chatting all of us together and we decided to go on with the meeting without the one at the table… he’s in the zone and I’m just trying to act like this is normal to be in this situation… but again I know through observation that this was an act of normalcy… .in reality I was in a moment of fear… not drastic degree or anything but I’m not sure what word to call it right now… it’s not fear but I was reluctant… I’m super happy we were all talking because it made me feel like this isn’t such a big deal and just fucking relax… and slowly I started to make some subtle movements with my fingers which he reciprocated back. I eventually had held his hand in between mine and was enjoying the slow movements of my fingers along his skin and my skin enjoying the touch not knowing where they’d be touch or how because it was a touch from someone other than myself. The sensation of my fingers sliding through his fingers again ever so slowly was very sensual to me however I was a bit distracted with all the moving parts and conversations that were surrounding the situation. I was sandwiched between two guys and I felt like I was holding myself back in a way because I thought and asked if I should be sharing this with both of them… but that was a fleeting thought because I didn’t want to do that.. I was enjoying but also wanting to get away at the same time…hehe… I was happy to get a chance, but this is not my ideal situation to exchange affection at this time. So I saw an opportunity to find the excuse to get up to help a guest in the kitchen and as I was getting up I was able to touch his calf and slide my fingers up his skin… ummm… I do want to touch all over him but with this setting and most likely because we haven’t had much quality time together… I’m not ready yet to openly explore this with him. Later I was thinking about how flexibly dexterous he was in between us… hehe.. I remembered how I enjoyed dancing and playing with couples where my hands and feet and body had all their own minds working together… I was chuckling how well he did splitting up the conversation in two manners… one was having a conversation with someone he’s built a relationship with and was at a state of comfortableness and affection… while his other conversation was with me… hehe.. first the stiff as a board silent treatment intro… to I’d like to try this… how does this work? To ok… yes I feel like there’s reciprocity and patience… to slow sensual sensations… which led to ok.. this is enough for now but I enjoyed my time and open for more. Yes… holy cow… I am open and ready to actually explore this… again… there’s a difference for me to prepare myself to be ready and then realizing when I’m actually ready… I’m literally starting to tear up right now… I cannot believe I’ve been able to get here… I’m ready to be open to a romantically intimate relationship. Holy shit… this is something I’ve wanted but I haven’t been allowing to experience. I had this expectation that if I was going to do this it was only going to be with a specific person from my visions… but there was not reciprocation… and I understand that I seem to in the past want to create buffer room to even attempt a romantic relationship… not at all times of my life, but yeah… buffer room seems to be the way I allow myself to even take steps forward. I think that’s the case with my romantically intimate interest too… I knew he was polyamorous and that he had a staple foundational partner established… and me hearing this I think I felt like this was the buffer space that I needed to be able to attempt… of course not the only reasons but I cannot explain but will attempt.. but once I started to tear up My body has gone stiff as a board… it’s like I’m holding my breath right now as if I’m searching through dark corners that I’m uncertain I want to reveal about myself. and I don’t know if I’m going to but I’m going to have to take a smoke break to relax at little because yes my body is acting strange… and even signs of being in a fear state… which again is obvious because this doesn’t happen anymore until right now and it’s happening… so I’m going to smoke real quick Alright… smoked, used the restroom, and helped my dad take some nets off his raspberry bushes… oh and took a look at the progress of his underground bunker/cellar… So it seems like I’m hitting a cord right now.. and earlier when I said it wasn’t fear it was reluctance. After being in my own space and witnessing my bodies reaction to this… it was a moment of fear and I’m going to continue but I think my pops wants me to go pick up a pizza… so I’m going to go ahead and allow myself some grace and time before I dive in again… so I’ll go ahead and post this and come back to it… until next time… enjoy

Good morning… it’s still a dark sky out and the stars are out. I got up to use the restroom and I grabbed a. Smoke and when I was taking a break I saw a shooting star… it’s been awhile since I’ve noticed one. I was sleeping and it’s a bit cool out and so Ididn’t want to get out of the bed in the back of the van but I was thinking about the community app… so before I forget I wanted to record the few thoughts that I was thinking about. So this app that I”m thinking about is going to help each individual property however, I can see that it can be linked to a larger data base so the content from one property is recorders and seen in essence on all platforms. So as an example last night I was carving the pumpkin and of course I start to think about making it all fancy but it’s a tiny pumpkin and I was getting tired so I just made a face and the mouth had a part of the logo of the property here… but when she used the inside of the pumpkin she placed it in her vegetarian curry… and wanted to give it a twist and also more aligned with the season… it was delicious and we had a great conversation together. In fact last time I was here it was hard for me to find a connection with her… we spoke briefly and we did a little volunteer work at the manager’s house together alone and so there was some connection that started but it’s obvious this time that she’s more open to conversation even though she does admit she’s a woman of few words and doesn’t necessarily talk a lot about herself. Well she was able to share and it was nice to get more than three words out of her. But there are a few things that I can gather from our conversations which I’m thinking I’d like to find a way to apply to the app. So we were talking about not having the best time making resumes and that we are both better at in person conversation and that many times the resume doesn’t really focus on what our skills are many times its years of experience… but sometimes that doesn’t always look impressive in a resume style format… of course this was our opinion.. and many can probably do this for themselves in a resume format but this is something we found to be true with each other. And also when I was speaking to her about her exploration in cooking it was fun to hear her express herself how she’s not afraid to experiment with spices and feeling her way into the ingredients she ends up using for the dish. I feel this would be great information to be able to share with people in this app possibly. So we’re about to start this intention convention and intentional having conversations where we find snippets of who someone is would be great to record… I as the person that is giving say a recommendation have to find the words that would express my experience that I feel would be good for the collective to know about someone… and the someone who is receiving these comments also gets a better idea of what people find valuable in them. Now I know we don’t need validation but sometimes in our lives its nice to hear confirmations… and I”m guessing it would be a mix of what we can say are positive and negative comments but isn’t that helpful to know. Sometimes we’re so close to ourselves that people may perceive something that we’re blind to. And constructive criticism isn’t a bad thing… but it could possibly give an opportunity for feedback as well. Hmmm… in the van I was thinking about their gratitude circle. Each night they try their best to get together and give gratitude… yesterday was more on the unusual side because everyone was more of like on a restful osolitary state. But when the founder and I got back he was telling me again it’s going to be a slow and quiet night so most likely we won’t have a group gratitude circle or dinner together. But he said we can have our own little circle. Of course I’m grateful for many things but specifically after having the conversation I had… I was grateful that he was inquisitive enough to ask penetrating questions that allowed me to be more transparent of where I am and what I”m working with and how he has an intuitive nature of curiosity which I’m grateful for… and I also said I was grateful for myself for not being too shy and avoiding an opportunity to express myself even though I wasn’t comfortable in sharing at first. So I thought maybe thee could be an opportunity for people to give out gratitude points to people they meet in these communities. So yesterday because most of my engagement were with these two individuals I”d be able to give out two gratitude points to them and also get the chance to explain why I”m grateful to have shared this experience with them. Not only will we be able to see how the current community finds value in sharing their company for a period of time but maybe we can also have general categories that also can be linked to each individual where again maybe there are icons or just a list of qualities that are repetitive in interactions that can be seen on a persons profile without having to dig deep into their profile to find. I took a break because I’m sitting in the art room which is in sun room patio area enclosed in windows and it’s nice to see the change of darkness to the morning sunrise. there’s a fog surrounding the property and I can hear the birds chirping and it was a nice moment to share… but let’s continue on So in this app… again when I was thinking about specific properties I thought it could be a way to record volunteer hours. So I’m not certain what the required hours of work here at this property but for the ashram temple farm she required 24 hours of work for the week. Most of the time volunteers would work for four hours in the morning and have the afternoon off for themselves and they would work for six days with one day off. Before I moved onto property I wanted to figure out where I could help the founder of the temple with her schedule. It was winter when I arrived there and I had heard she would love more time in her art room and she’s an amazing painter who was taught classical Indian painting and her artwork is everywhere in the temple and they’re remarkable. I know how valuable art is in my life and how many benefits I get from having more time to dedicate to this part of me and so I wanted to allow her more time for this, but again it’s up to her what she does with this time. I also knew that the ashram aspect of the temple was calling to me as well and I wanted much more solitary time and so we agreed that I could put in longer hours in fewer days so I could get more days of rest away from everyone. And I needed that especially when I first arrived this is how i found out about the National Geographic’s grant and was able to apply. I was also very well rested and able to take on social and physical activities in a much more receptive manner. And when I found that I had more energy to share I would work a few hours on my days off too… because I enjoyed contributing… I did a lot of tours while I was there and this also fell under her responsibilities and as she saw I was more involved and had more energy it wasn’t a problem for her to ask me specific times to come on my days off to assist with these areas. I’ve also been looking into the requirements of hosting on workaway. They too had a similar structure of expectation for the host and it’s guests and possibly how the temple came to it’s arrangements for the time requirement. So… maybe that can be implemented into the structure of the app… some of us enjoy contributing in different ways.. and allowing us to record the hours of volunteer work would allow the founders or managers to see that they are in fact not taking advantage of the property’s hospitality but also I’m not sure recording hours really tells the value of their presence. I’m not sure if I’m going to be wording this properly but yeah when I was talking about the resume keeping a record of time to show some type of experience gained in areas… but it doesn’t relay the quality of work… but I do know you’re supposed to express rewards and such but I’ve worked in many diverse positions encountering many diverse people.. and the range is huge. I guess a way I can explain it is… say when I was a dance instructor… many people would ask my how long I had been dancing… first of all that was hard to answer because I had been dancing since I learned how to move…hehe… it was quite natural but I knew they were asking more specifically about ballroom dancing since that was what I was teaching. I would let them know and I really wondered what the amount of years would let them know? There were instructors who started the same time as I did… but the degree of competence in dance wasn’t evident by the amount of time we could say we shared. There was context of history that couldn’t be determined from these numbers and in fact many students wouldn’t believe that I hadn’t had many more years than what I expressed. Some had been dancing far longe that myself and they couldn’t understand why ther was a difference in ability level. The easiest answer I would explain is that the years didn’t disclose the hours of dedication. Students would range from dancing from three hours a week to 20 hours a week… but as a teacher we were putting in close to 40 if not 60 hours of dance a week because we absolutely immerse ourselves into it and deeply want to learn and better understand our passion of say dance in this example. So let’s use some extremes numbers here so someone could have a year worth of dance but only danced 3 hours a week of 52 weeks of the year so 150 hours of dedication compared to say someone who dedicated 40 hours in 52 weeks… 2080 hours in the same year. Technically they’ve only danced a year but there’s a drastic difference in the amount of intention that went into to learning this craft. In fact how many weeks did it take the second person to hit the 150 hours? Hehe… In one month they had already put in 160 hours… so in their mind they could technically say that the first person only put in a month of dedication in the year they’ve danced… right? Well… I’m trying to use that as an example with recording hours of experience… the degree of intentionality should have some type of measure as well. I’m not sure at this time what or how to do this but I’ve also noticed when I’m working a 40 hour work week at a location… my 40 hours don’t have the same results as someone else. And working with more attention and intention and desire can have the same results in a shorter amount of time than someone else. I know we understand this but again I”m trying to figure out how to record this in the app so again people and communities can gain a better understanding of who we are and if we are going to share time together that we have a better idea even though experience in sharing will reveal far more than the theory of who someone is before they arrive on property. There’s many factors in play here and how to collect data to give a bigger picture would be something I’d like to work on. I was just thinking of my childhood girl friend and her dealing with her disabilities at this time. She’s not confident in say walking right now. Because she’s in this state I could imagine that she feels like she wouldn’t be able t o contribute much to volunteering because of physical restraints… but I find so much value when sharing time with her and it doesn’t involve her being physically capable. A value of a person isn’t necessarily determined by the hours of work that’s being recorded. Ok food for thought to dive into deeper. I’m wanting to get ready for the day and possibly get in a little piano time before the day starts. We’re going to get a better idea of how the weekend is going to be structured. I think tomorrow we have dedicated workshops that is going to be more structured while other times it’s more sporadic and possibly perceived as chaotic. The founder is getting prepared to manage powerful personalities and energies and so allowing us to better know what he plans on doing will help us see where we can help out in areas. So yeah… I think that’s good for now… so… until next time… enjoy!

Okie dokie now… lol… so I’m here at the hostel and let’s just say I didn’t start off so smooth liked I”d hope, but it was good… but I’ll go ahead and start from before I got here… so what happened… I did all the packing of clothes and the van to head on out… it takes about three hours and I needed to stop by my aunt’s place to pick up a pineapple cookie recipe that my dad has been wanting.. it’s their mother’s recipe and he’s been talking about them forever and I reached out to get it since I’ve been in the baking mood. My childhood girlfriend wanted me to message here before I left to give me encouragement… hehe… and what did I say… let’s see. “I’ll be heading out soon… I’m really calm and collected and confident ❤️ I’ll get ahold of you when I get back. Tell (her daughter) and (daughter’s boyfriend) thanks again for the wigs and I hope everyone enjoys Halloween. Love you!” So yes that’s how I felt when I left and through the drive. I arrived and it was pretty quiet here with no active bodies I could see… so I wanted to walk around the property. Last time I was here I didn’t walk the labyrinth, check out the theater, or walk the arrow path… and so I took a few pictures and some video footage… I felt like I was thinking of ideas already for storytelling artwork and it was nice to get different angles that I didn’t capture from last time. The scenery is different as well… the ground is covered in all the wonderful colors of fall and it has been raining off and on today so was trying to capture the moisture and the changes of colors from the last time here. It started to rain when I was on the arrow path and when it started to pick up heavier… I decided to go back to the farmhouse and see where people are at. I had been thinking about playing the piano again.. I love they have an instrument area that’s open for anyone to use… so last time I was here when I was about to leave I started playing the piano. At first I saw the manager was on there practicing and I noticed he wasn’t reading music… he was using Youtube and it was something similar to like a game… what is it called… oh guitar hero… and I thought well that seems like fun. I wouldn’t have to try to remember sheet music which is always the case when I run into a piano that’s open to play. And also the night before I left a young man arrived who is an absolutely amazing pianist so it was easy to be inspired to go ahead and jump onto the keys and give it a try. So it was the sound of silence that I ended up playing it’s the easy version however it does use both hands which is what i wanted. In 24 hours I got pretty comfortable with it.. and so I wanted to see if I could remember any of the sequences since it’s been two weeks ago… it was rough the first go at it, but then I started picking up again. But I didn’t want to be here alone playing the piano if everyone was somewhere working and so I messaged the founder and asked if everyone’s working or is it relaxation time… he said it’s very slow at the moment but he’s at the manager’s house which is where the remodel is taking place… so I went over to help. He was the only one working.. and everything was fine… it was good to see him and there is a little storage area or possibly the once utility closet.. I’m not sure what exactly when on or what’s going on currently but I did some of the installation of the walls and now they are laying down flooring. So I didn’t do much because I was literally babbling most of the time and that’s where I’m leading to was what I had witnessed in myself which again wasn’t as smooth as I liked… but I was able to sweep up some of the dirt and dust and use cleaner to pick up the dust so the floor adhesive would hold better. And so… our conversation began… of course these should be simple questions and simple answers… but maybe because I was a bit uncertain how anything is going to play out I felt like I just jumped into the questions and they didn’t end up being simple at all… hehe… ok I can admit that I was a bit nervous? I also wanted him to get a better idea of who I am and so i didn’t want to answer the question how are you as… ohh… I’m good… you? So I was telling him that I”m excited about my life and find myself very passionate about it… seems like things are lining up for me to understand what I can be working on right now. He encouraged me to continue and go deeper if I would like but if it’s a secret than it’s not a problem… and transparency is the ongoing practice and so I led in that I had applied for a proposal with National Geographic’s for their storytelling grant. So I’m already learning how to be a better storytelling through writing in the Journal, and I create short videos, and now I’m working on storytelling through art because I would like to add art into my life more often than it has been and so it’s been fun learning how to use the digital art program I found I can use my finger instead of a stylus. So… he asked what’s the story that I’m trying to tell and I said well I have an interesting life and it’s my story and I primarily work with Enlightenment and hoping to find research into this. And so he replied with two points from his understanding… People who are drawn to this area of study begin to understand that they know nothing and that there’s is not an authority over their understanding. Which was brilliant in my opinion which makes me happy that he has this understanding. I said that I felt like I was the only one talking so it’s his turn… what’s going on in his world at the moment. He said he’s super happy with all the things… he said that there’s a million things that has equal priority in his life that he wants to do, but he only has time to do half a million… he needs to do some gardening but he hasn’t been good at it… so he plans to disappear for a week and not talk to anyone so he can get his thought aligned. With the season about to close.. of course that would be beneficial for him and highly recommend he should do just that… hehe. And so far… things are good… he asked what about Enlightenment have I experienced that would shock him. And I said that it will sound unusual and maybe a bit absurd but it’s something that cannot be explained unless we’ve gone through it to get an understanding… but I said that I have experienced not being human. He automatically said something to the sorts of… oh ok yeah. At this time the manager came out of the house and was saying hello and making sure we didn’t need to use the restroom any time soon because he’s going to take a bath… and we said that we’re both fine. And so I turned back to the founder and chuckled… what do you mean ok yeah… what does this mean to you? And he said that he’s never really identified as human but hasn’t identified as anything else either.. but these bodies are just temporary. He sees us returning back to where we came and that we would have a karmic cycle whatever that looks like… and my response was when it comes to something that I haven’t experienced then it’s just thoughts and I can think and imagine many thoughts and many scenarios… but I prefer to understand what I’ve been able to experience because that’s where I learn more of what we are. By the way there are moments of silence going on while we’re doing this… and again he’s mostly doing the work at this time I did grab the flooring so he can cut and install but after I cleaned and grabbed the boards… I wasn’t doing much help. But I was definitely engaged in the conversation fully. So I was trying to see what his definition of human was but he wasn’t sure what I was trying to ask. And so it wasn’t a good questions but what I can say when I say I have experienced human how I try to explain it is… the human comes with this body..and with this body we experience thought, emotions, using our senses with these bodies…and memories and context. In this experience all of this was gone.. during the experience I didn’t even realize any of this it wasn’t until the human condition came back to me that I realized all of that was missing… and he asked if this is something that happens multiple times while in Aya ceremonies and I said it’s only been the one. And then he said if Aya is the only thing that will get us to experience it and I said no… it’s said that the practice of Buddhism and Hinduism can also achieve these results but I’m pretty sure there are many ways to get there. It was such a profound experience that I’ve been spending the last three years observing myself to understand the transformation that has happened. I said that no one tells you what happens…and if they did I didn’t read any scripture to know.. but I forget his words but what’s the fun in that I think is what he said… and precisely… it wouldn’t be fun at all and I much rather learn through my experience to gain the benefits of depth that I’ve been understanding. So again… this is shamana mode and I’m very comfortable in this position and this is what I do with anyone willing to have conversation with me. It might not look exactly like this… but again… very good and loved how receptive he was but also understood a bit more of what he’s been learning as well… so what made me start to squirm? He asked a direct and simple answer… I could have had a direct and simple answer but again fluffing it off and being secretive isn’t how I roll these days. So he asked what am I currently learning now? And I admitted that I learn frequently lately while in the back of my mind I’m like holy shit… I know exactly what I”m learning but I was trying to figure out other areas that I’m learning about but it’s obvious my relationship to sexuality is what I”m working on right now. And as I’m saying this.. was like holy shit am I going to be confessing everything I’ve been thinking of right now… the first conversation we have together… and of course I cannot keep this inside of my head… I’m speaking this out loud to him… and he’s trying to make it a safe space and adding humor to get me to relax and I see this but I also am feeling how I’m responding in the moment. So I knew I was going to tell him most of what’s going on… but if there’s room for me to keep a little back specifically when it came to him… then I’ll attempt to do this… spoiler alert… I failed at keeping it to myself but it did take to the end of the conversation before I just let him know… and couldn’t believe how semi-resistant I was of getting to the point.. lol ok… I’m going to take a little break.. I already went out to take a smoke break and loved on one of the cats here.. and when I got back in a sweet young girl who is a staff member used the inside of the pumpkin and asked if I’m feel creative and if I would like to carve a pumpkin since it’s the last chance to do it… it’s Halloween today after all… so I’m going to go ahead and do that. So I’m going to go ahead and finish this for now and see if I get back on afterwards… until next time

Alright… good morning… so where am I going to start… well the first thing that’s sticking out in my mind is I heard from the reading yesterday was “what are you waiting for?” So… I was asking myself that as well… so I got a hold of the founder to see if I can come a day early for the weekend… I wanted to see if he’d need help setting up and also just be available to help during the event as well… so I could get a break down about the structure that’s being played out during the intentional convention. And he said he’d love that. It’s going to be Halloween and so I asked if I should wear a costume… hehe.. I don’t actually have anything really but he said there will be some type of fuckery going on but nothing has been planned out or discussed yet. When I was staying with my girl friend over the weekend I accidentally left my shampoo so I was going to pick it up from her on my way down and she also mentioned she might have a basic witch outfit and she’ll leave that out for me too and so I’ll swing by and grab that just in case. I did think I could possibly go as Bob Ross though because my childhood girl friend has a daughter who went to a party with her boyfriend and they were the “stepbrothers”… and they got those wigs with a fro… and I thought maybe that could be something else I could do. It’s been awhile since I’ve dressed up… when I was here in Indiana I made homemade costumes for my nieces and nephews it was a Moana theme… but we were also celebrating the passing of their great grandma who when I was younger she would make all our Halloween costumes through elementary school and to celebrate her memory we did this but also I found a wig of the hair cut she use to wear… so actually dressing up dressing up… been probably four to five years… and why not have a bit more fun right now… I know I’d like to add more play into my life because it’s something I value and I don’t find myself doing this as much as I’d like. I mean I have fun but I’m thinking goofy fun… I love to be goofy and I guess I don’t let that side of me show as much as I’d like. Just a side note… I guess my nieces and nephews aren’t going to be celebrating Halloween anymore… I guess this holiday is now considered a devilish holiday… geesh… but I’m not going to go into family life right now but it was interesting to hear… I’m glad we had our time last time I was here because all of us were enjoying doing this together. But anyway… I’m going to redirect… what am I waiting for? So during the weekend especially talking with my girl friend I started to click together that maybe I’ll go ahead and stay here in Indiana for a year. I was saying that I could see so much potential if I help out with the hostel for the next season around April to October… I can see benefits for knowing a time frame of how long I’ll be here. I feel like I’d be able to settle in and relax into my space knowing this. I spent eight months at the temple in Utah, but I didn’t know I was going to be there for that long and it felt like I was wondering if I was going to be leaving each month… and I think that assisted in me not giving my 100% as well… if I join this community here in Indiana and I know I’ll be here for the entire season… I’d be much more likely to give much more. I hear that he has two positions that he’s hiring for… one is the manager and the other is the executive director. I’m really not certain what the duties are involved, but I don’t think I’d be interested in either position… why? We’ll the executive director position is what I hear is going to be a minimum of a four to six years commitment and I’m not willing to commit to that timing so that’s an automatic no in my mind. But when it comes to the manager… I thought maybe this is something I can do and it’s only for a season which I know I’m ok with this timing… I feel like I could be good at this position, but really I had to look at what I think this position involves. In my head most of the time the manager is going to be managing people… specifically the volunteer staff or work trade visitors… of course when there are events there will be guests…and it’s a hostel so any guests that arrive. So… I love people and I do well with people… but I also know being around people constantly and managing energies would absolutely drain my energy. I don’t even know how the time schedule works out here… when I volunteered it seemed like there was one day off and then each day we’d wake up and have head and heart sharing together say at 9 am… we’d let everyone know where we are currently in our head and heart state. We would also put a personal goal we’d like to accomplish for the day that isn’t related to working on the property… examples people said they’d like to take a nap, or do yoga, or painting… reading… this type of thing… so each morning everyone would observe where they’re out at before starting the day together and become more aware of what self care wants to be done for the day… which I can see as beneficial. Also in this meeting they’d let us know the gist of what work activities need to be done for the day… usually seems that we all work together the fist half of the day and the second half of the day they’re more of a solo task and can be done at our own timing before dinner is served. After the gathering we’d have like an hour break to eat breakfast or really wake up and then we would go to the first half of work. So when I was there we were continuing the remodeling of the manager’s house… well I guess eventually this house will be the executive director’s house and there’s a thought to build a hut/cabin for the manager on property in the woods… it’s a fairly big space… I wouldn’t see why not both positions could share the space… but I understand having personal space as well. Any who… it was construction and cleaning jobs. I’m not sure how long this shift is… I don’t have a phone to carry around and monitor time… I have my iPad usually to see if there are any opportunities to make a video but yeah I rarely think to look at the time. But I’m thinking it was a max of three hours? I’m guessing 10-1pm again we’d have another break where we can get lunch… so the second half we have more daily duties to get done say… laundry, supper, turning compost in the garden and bathrooms… but then there might be tasks that came up that need to take care of such as solar light box was damaged and needs repaired… a brick on the well wall fell off and needs to be secured… so again it’s more free for the timing… some may do it right away while others wait and find the time later. The first day I helped I was a little surprised that I wasn’t going to go back to the construction house to finish my project I was working on the morning… I was able to go back the next day in the morning…but I’m pretty good at construction and it’s something I enjoy and they noticed and added going back to the house on the second day on the second half of the day so I did this and I was able to get quite a bit done having a full day over there. I was only there for two volunteer days and I’m guessing there’s people who visit that also would have a temporary time visiting. I wonder if there could be a master list of projects that need to be done… and if someone visits who has a specialty or interest in a specific area they could do these tasks as there main focus to help out with since they don’t have much time with them and it won’t be left for someone else to come and finish who might not know what to do. I dealt with volunteers at the temple as well and it was definitely tricky to organize and maybe that’ where I’ll look at right now. So what type of volunteers came to the temple? Let’s start with long term first… these are the devotees who want to stay for months to years… the longest devotee other than the founders, builders, owners the husband and wife was a lady who had lived there close to twelve years. That was not the norm but I feel most want to stay two to ten years possibly. I guess I’ll go ahead and address that if I was to assist in this property I would reduce the amount of time and give it a limit for a long term volunteer to stay probably up to two years… what I noticed with the 12 year volunteer and honestly the owners… they created a bubble inside the temple grounds and was a bit disconnected to the outside world. I don’t think two years is the only time allowed at the temple… but two years at a time… so say a devotee does devotional work for two years at this temple… we’d ask them to create space from this location… go get some more diverse experience for at least a year maybe before they can return. I don’t know all the details but yes I’d encourage this community to feel like they have time to share their gifts but also know that their projects are going to continue beyond their presence so encouraging other volunteers being involved so when your time is up the vision will continue. That was a huge noticeable issue that I saw at the temple was how the founders built their baby, the temple and grounds, and didn’t trust anyone to be able to take care of it as well as they did… and so they’ve been trying to find a manager for at least a decade and hasn’t had any success because they have so many rules and people don’t feel like they have any space to grow. The founders are now in their early 70s and wanting to rest after 40 dedicated years building this ashram temple… possessiveness and distrust was apparent… which also seems ironic to me since these are key areas of spiritual growth that should be addressed… we hear about nonattachment vs. possessiveness… and we’ve spoken about this in the past but possibly a simple way I can explain this in enlightenment terms which I’ll say human vs the universe… the human wants possessions while the universe wants nonattachment because it doesn’t have a lack mentality that they are the only ones to know what to do to take care of a project… it also knows that it will eventually go through changes and that’s growth as time goes by… so again it just allows space. And when it comes to trust vs. distrust… the human can distrust while the universe would trust because it understands that this reality is perfection… there’s nothing it needs to be scared of… everything is the Divine and so these seemingly untrustful people we may encounter actually is there to give lessons for us to learn which is a good thing… hehe… any way again…. Doing spiritual work and observing ourselves through this process things start to stick out when dealing with people… again I respect the owners but I also knew that they haven’t traversed through to the Enlightenment phase because much of their embodiment concerns were very human which isn’t Universal which is what happens with we traverse. I can possibly theorize why I think this is the case… well maybe I’ll go that they hadn’t set up system in their ashram structure that promoted them to stop and take time to develop themselves so they can continue to grow their teachings and again they would be able to see a different structure that could benefit them and the future stewards. Ok… I left to pick up supplies with my pops, but I’m back now… and when I was talking on the road I think I’ve got to narrow down a little more about what I know about this location… there is a few similarities from the ashram temple then this community. And I know I’ll have some feedback that will help from Utah, but I’d like to wrap my mind with the community I”d like to engage with. So I went to their website to take a look of what they publicize to the public. So… Lost River Hostel is the entity that I’m familiar with but it is also the under the umbrella of the Lost River Foundation … So right now I feel like I’m going to assume that I can help the founder and the creative of these since this is what I did for the founder at the ashram temple… there were two of them but mainly it was the wife who ran the show and knew what needed to be done and made sure things did get done. I was able to make it easier for her so she could find time to relax and be more energized and also allow herself to realize the importance of rest… now I couldn’t help myself and imagine the changes I would implement into the community but this is something I did not tell her because she wasn’t looking for suggestions. So I’m definitely in the unknown zone about this community but again I’m going to be assuming that I’ll help try to troubleshoot to help the founder here too. So… I’ve already seen a difference between the founders… the founder here in Indiana is all about growth and community… play, rest, creativity is something that comes naturally it seems… so this isn’t where I’ll need to assist. Where the temple founder only realized at 60 that she wanted to start giving away some of the responsibilities for the temple farm so she can find rest and this space will continue beyond her life in this body… I already see that Indiana founder is taking the steps to share his responsibilities and allow more time for him to focus on other areas of life. I believe next season will be the first time he’s going to be hiring an executive director. This position is to hopefully relieve duties he has to do… he wants to enjoy his community more… and I haven’t really discussed anything with him but I’m trying to brainstorm and I’ve got assumptions right now.. but clarity will increase when I actually have that time to share. But in my head I feel like he’s got a larger vision of community beyond the hostel. He has a foundation that is building but if he’s so hands on at the property… he has less energy for his creativity to flourish in broader areas… so of course this is his passion and his babies… so it’s not like he wants to remove himself completely… he just wants to find ways to continue to be passionate and creative in these areas. So how I assume when you’re constantly involved in a project or community… eventually we notice that we might have to get a break and remove ourselves from it so we can regroup and recharge… and that space away seems to have value when returning there’s a bit more of skip in our steps… so that’s what he’s wanting to find. I mean his hostel is designed for this… when he invites his staff, work traders, and guests to come… it’s to do just this… they’re taking a break from their routine to unwind and regroup and reconnect… well this space has become his routine and so even though it has amazing qualities to support these values… when it becomes a routine then the opposite applies. Creating space to be able to be energized while at the hostel… not being tied to it which unfortunately can get draining even though its a space you hold so dear. So I’m sure he’s got many ideas of how to do this… and I’m very interested to hear what he has already. In fact if he knows then I can just help implement them…but I think I might be able to brainstorm if he’s open to them. So I feel something I am going to be looking at would be how to have the hostel be self-sustaining…. Right? To the point where there doesn't need to be a permanent fixture to have it run and maintain smoothly. What are the areas the hostel offers? So there is the (1) staff… it looks like he has a rotating staff that stays at the hostel for three months at a time. The manager is part of the staff but is assumed to be there for the entire season which is eight months and so their involvement will be more inclusive and broad say compared to the staff that’s there for a third of a season. The new position of executive director again is part of the staff but increased responsibilities and more of a commitment for now years of building this community. The next group would be (2) hotel and event guests… they would be staying a night or two to enjoy themselves in the natural landscape in unique housing options… and opportunities for socializing and joining activities with amazing people who draw here. The last group would be (3) work trade people who can stay up to one week and volunteer in trade of room and board. So… where do these people sleep when they are here? I don’t know the exact numbers but I’m going to do an estimate. The manager and executive director will have their own space off property but close… I feel like this is a good idea and something I wanted to implement on the temple farm… the longer the commitment to stay the farther from the activities areas to feel like there can be a way to disconnect from “work” and feel like they can rest. The (1) staff has rooms that they share at the localized and primary farm house. This is where I do not know how many rooms are available here… I think there are six to seven rooms at the farm house. This is definitely centrally located… this is the space where everyone goes to eat together… the fire area, the art room, and where we gather to have meetings… this is where most things happen and where things are stored so ideally having them in this area helps secure safety of any items that are shared with the community. (2) the guests have options and again I don’t have all the exact numbers but I’ve got a round about idea of the numbers… there is two private nests and there seemed to be around six possibly at the nest village (eight), there’s a pop top tree house (nine), the tower… its a two story space that has what… possible three rooms on each floor? So we’re up to fifteen and then there is one room at the library so there’s about sixteen rental rooms. (3) work traders… I do not know where they stay… there’s a lot of space for camping so it that where they stay? I know during the event I went to and even the event I’m going to I opted for the camping option and stayed in my van… but on the map there looks to be large areas of camping available. So yeah maybe it depends on availability most likely… maybe they allow work traders to stay in rentals if they’re free? I’m not sure how the system goes… but I could see this as part of the program. I’m not sure if there are rooms available in the house for work traders or not… I was there six years ago and there were hardly any rooms to rent.. I can only remember the tower being built so… I stayed in the hobbit hole which I had to crawl into at the top of the stairs in the farm house… but I saw that the upstairs was designated to the staff only so I don’t believe this area would be open for work traders. So I remember hearing that more tree top rentals are wanting to be built and I think the manager’s hut is also wanting to be built. I’m not sure if there’s going to be more nests or not but I’m assuming so…. There’s around 30 acres and I know that they want to keep a lot of the land, but available housing opportunities I’m assuming is wanted. So that might be one area that might be missing and could be addressed is the (3) work traders housing… maybe it might be a good idea to offer housing maybe even closer to the camping area to have for the work traders… in my opinion this is a group that could really help build the property. They’re only allowed to come up to a week but if they’re there to work then that can help get things done around the hostel. Most of the people that are here are to relax and connect… but possibly we can attract a group that wants to get things done and that could definitely create a balance. I’m wondering if he has any groups that he’s tied to that draws in volunteers for work? At the temple farm she used Workaway International and WWOOFing to have a steady flow of volunteers who I believed had to have a six week commitment to come and work at the farm for free room and board. I absolutely love the people I met and of course I loved all the international travelers that came through to be able share with one another about their cultures and I’m keeping in communication with them so hopefully we’ll reconnect somewhere and possibly their home country. I’m not sure if this is something he would consider since he’s only wanting this group to stay for up to a week. I wonder if they came through these avenues if he’d allow them to stay up to say a month so they could get some good experience here in the US and actually be able to finish some projects while they are here. They expect to be working through these avenues and I always seems to talk to the international travelers to try locations that aren’t necessarily the huge cities… to me the magic can be found in rural areas and especially the beauty… not that I’m hating on big cities… this is just an opinion and just a brief one anyway… but this spot here in southern indiana is gorgeous… I mean I’m going to spend two weekends out of four down there because it’s breathtakingly beautiful especially in the fall. But this is something to talk to him about… I mean I’m always an advocate for Couchsurfers but I’m not sure they would be applicable in this scenario… I mean if I saw this as an opportunity I”d like to do it because I love to volunteer… it has opportunities for great conversations… and when traveling it’d be great to find a spot that will allow you to stay for a week before finding the next location… so yeah… If he’d consider looking at his work trad section maybe this could be adjusted. I mean… this would be the area I’d be most likely wanting to be a part of. I don’t want to commit four years… I don’t want to manage people… I don’t want to live in the farm house… but I do want to work and help establish a system to make the property grow and maintained but yeah currently I’d only be available to stay for a week. And what could I really accomplish in a week? not much… and to me it looks like there could be several projects that could be looked at to have better structure and have volunteers who would love to share their knowledge and talents. I mean an example would be their garden… I guess there wasn’t much interest in it so they didn’t have much to yield this season. I feel like adding wwoofing into the mix there would be opportunity to really get it going and have willing volunteers to make sure it is sustained. So yeah… what areas of focus will be allocated to each group? well…. (2) guests… there focus is to absolutely enjoy their experience so they can spread the word to the friends and family about how special this location is and keep the rentals booked. (1) the staff excluding the managers could focus on daily tasks that mostly involve maintain the property for exception guest experience. They are here to connect but also as the hostel is a business… having them focus on say making sure the rental rooms are top notch cleaned up… paths cleared… restrooms cleaned… bathtub and shower areas spotless and working optimally… trash, laundry.. these areas… and (3) work traders can focus on the behind the scenes of building structures and maintaining the farming and land? I heard of a few projects that might be in the works… remodeling the manager’s house, building more tree top rentals, there’s a cave under the property and at the entrance there’s a large boulder so they’re going to find people for dynamite and an excavator, there’s a billiard space going up in the woods, and I saw there was a theater somewhere… but when I was walking around I didn’t see it… I’ll have to take a look again, but possibly it isn’t completed either. And just in case he’d go for my idea of being a part of these groups to get more volunteers who are involved with the working background stuff then we might also add in building housing options for these people. Hmmm… maybe they wouldn’t be in the camping area…. I feel like they would need to be offered WiFi especially when it comes to international travelers because changing sims can be a little troublesome but being closer to possibly the central farm house might be a bit more reasonable so even if they have to walk for WiFi it would be relatively close for them. Anyway… I could see helping in this area… and possibly finding people who would like to come and specifically build next season… i know I love to build but I haven’t had too much of actually building any of my designs… and I’d love that opportunity. I’d be able to find people who could be more practical in execution. I loved being the master carpenter’s assistant… because they had the experience and I just was able to get it done for him while he could rest more as he’s aging. lol… so I originally thought I could help out with the events too… maybe that’s what the executive director is supposed to do… but in my gathering I believe the founder is the one who gets and organizes the events and the staff assists on getting them accomplished. Again…. Possibly something trainable so this is off the founder’s plate… but could open up his creativity to different event options… I mean I feel like there would be so many people who would be attracted to this space and I don’t know what events are held on the calendar but I’ve got many ideas that would be probably out of the norm and I’m also concerned that it might draw larger groups then the space can handle… but they host festivals where most would be camping… but yeah i can help in this area and I have things I’d love to teach if he’s interested… i feel like that was part of what I liked when I was first visiting… It seemed like the staff that was there also had a time where people taught talents they wanted to share… I remember doing a little bit of capoeira in the house…. That was a lot of fun! Maybe that’s something else that can be offered to the longer term volunteers… assigning them classes to share with the community… and allow the longer term work traders to share as well… there’s so many talented people with diverse interests… it might just spark a new interest in us… but also getting people to try different and new things is always going to assist in growth in all areas of life. lol… ok… so I’m going to go back into a little bit of the romantic or maybe more accurately possibly it’s the nurturing side of myself… I remember talking with the founder’s new partner that came to visit. I really enjoyed meeting her and I remember I thanked her for coming and she didn’t know why because she didn’t think she was doing anything… she thought she should be helping out more… and I said that your big help is just by being here and letting him feel like a man instead of the boss… this can be huge for his and his staff’s moral. Funny at the temple farm… the founder was a no touching person and I think I was the only one that got a hug from her… they threw a going away party which was super sweet but I had to ask, but she still said yes and allowed me to give her a hug… touching can be healing when appropriate. And I’d love to be available to do that for him… I don’t know… full body massage each week… oooh maybe a nuru massage… hehe… something to pamper him a bit… I mean… I’d love all of us to get pampered and possibly adding that as part of a thing we all do could be nice to have but yeah… anyway give him opportunities to feel like a man instead of the boss I’m sure could help out… and that’s even being able to take some responsibilities off his plate so he has time to get space away from the hostel to share with his lover’s would have a wonderful impact. And again… I don’t know the dynamics this was literally observing through what five days of being there…so I’m assuming these things and again… I should get a better idea soon I hope.. and I about forgot to mention that he might also enjoy helping me feel like a woman instead of a shaman as well… If he’s anything like me he enjoys touch, quality attention, and service… and maybe this would be something he’d consider and hopefully enjoy with me So I’m not sure what he thinks about having some automation going on but I know how much I thought having a temple farm app for the property would be extremely beneficial. And possibly it might be something that can be implemented here as well… I feel having an area where the work traders go so they can see the projection of what is the vision for the future and current projects that are being executed so they know what they can be doing as they stay… to the point of what equipment should be used and where to find them… I think I mentioned having a game type version so when they return equipment they can get points for returning it to the accurate place… like a bullseye… because no one at the temple farm cleaned up after themselves and then it was wasting time trying to find things. But inserting videos of how to do things.. and so yeah it doesn’t always have to be someone there watching and getting things for them… empowering them to figure things out on their own… and rate the tasks and some will need more than one person while other tasks could be a solo job. But this could also let people know who is coming from said groups to volunteer for work they can possibly reserve their spot especially if they’re coming from out of the country… it would be reassuring to guarantee a stay before they arrive. I meet it could definitely be a place to get to know the upcoming volunteers as well.. it can be a space where people can show the activities going on to past volunteers or current/ past guests… right there was a group page that went on FB for caving.. well I’m sure this could be included in the app for that type of involvement. I was already thinking of having a community board where people can leave their information but people can setup a profile and say someone happens to be looking to talk to an Ayahuasca shaman… they literally could find me in the data base and know how to get a hold of me… The people are amazing here and so I’d love to chat more and network… open it up to networking without having to always be the middle man… have it easily accessible. But if we have special classes each day that the staff wants to share with willing participants have a calendar and possibly a sign up so everyone knows how to prepare for them.. and when guests are there they have opportunities to be social, solitary, learning mode… whatever… it allows them more options and gets a better idea of the people who happen to be hosting them… I know I see all the time on the Lost River websites… it’s the people here that really makes this place magical… so giving opportunities for their lights to shine! I guess more opportunities… having this along with booking might get a few folks to book on specific days… or even get the locals involved to attend these unique classes that continuously revolve… Have people purchase monthly passes or something i don’t know but there’s a new space in the library that they want for concert areas but it could be a great space for classes… I’m not sure how they feel about hosting children classes… but again the opportunities are boundless and constantly changing… and if there’s talent again for people offsite in the local areas maybe offering rental space to host their classes could be something? Ok… I’m going into my brainstorming phase and I can just keep going but let’s try to arrange a bit more of the broader picture again… So what’s the broader picture I’m wanting to share with him? First of all he’s just attractive… he’s attracted my attention and I want to explore this. Again I originally thought about asking him to join my interests as well… that takes time to get to know him and feel where he’s at and if he’s open to it or not. So I’m still in my observation phase… I have a really strong feeling about him and I can observe him from online… and even go and visit for a few days at a time with possibly leaving in a short stent here in Indiana… or I can really get the chance to observe him by partnering up and see what we can discover in a year together… normally it takes time for people to get to know me and my potential as well… I mean I can make a great first impression but the depth starts to show through time. I know many of the devotees and the founders would’ve loved for me to stay and manage… but their requirements on me wasn’t things I was willing to change. So I figure it’s just not the time to take those steps yet… they need more time to see the larger vision I have by connecting the globe… hehe… which is already connected but in a more tangible way… but that takes time for me to discover as well… but many don’t understand what the effects of Enlightenment are and these are things that are hard to explain… but through observation through time… things start to stand out that seems quite different then using just our human mind… we tap into Universal… but actually once you’ve crossed over… you are in Universal mind most of the time… and increasing this awareness is learned quite quickly. People enjoy my company and they also seem to enjoy how they make them feel but they just assume I’m just a nice person with loving energy to share… but I think there’s more to it and it’s the authenticity and ease of life I live regardless if people might say the hardships the challenges… it just doesn’t affect in the same manner… and being in this state is not designated to a select few… it’s available for us all… I know I’m going around finding the few… hehe…but that’s because some are ready now… and so I’d like to focus majority of energy for these few… but doesn’t mean I don’t support everyone else… I just don’t have much of lack of time going on right now… when the time is ready…we’ll meet up.. and it feels like he’s ready, but I’m always hopeful and so spending time with me will give me a deeper understanding and he happens to have already established interested that I share and so I know I gain more opportunities to develop my skills further in a short amount of time. I seem to be quite a quick learner… and I’m looking forward to how different my world will be after a year in this partnership. But hopefully in that year he might better understand what I’m also trying to create. And possibly it would be up his alley as well… but he also might not have the desire to expand globally… and that’s what we can find out. So I feel like I’m going to be getting off here soon… but I’ll go back to my original questions… what am I waiting for? So I figured since the hostel only has one month left before it closes for the winter and that I’d just have to wait until the spring to assist… but really I could see I can start right away… I’m not sure what that looks like at this point but I feel like I can get a better idea once we chat. Ok that’s good for me… until next time… thank you

Good morning… alright things seem to be lining up and it’s getting me excited… which seems to be a regular thing for me… but I need to get some thoughts out and see if I can clarify my thoughts a bit more…so I thought it’s time to Journal again. But where to begin? Hmmm…. Well I’ve been having some amazing experiences since I’ve returned back to my home state of Indiana. Last time I wrote was after my cousin’s wedding and the following weekend I went to my buddy’s hostel for the inaugural caving invent. I had such a fun time. So I knew I was going to enjoy myself… I wanted to talk to the founder, my buddy whom I’ve been watching for the past six years. He’s been very impressive when seeing what he’s building in his community and his creativity… so he’s been standing out and his two events on caving and intentional communities were on my radar before arriving to Indiana. The last time I was there was six years ago but it was impressionable on my subconscious… I’m not sure if I said how I met him but to my memory we met through a mutual friend who is a shaman from Mexico who specializes in sound healing with his sound bowls. I feel like we were talking as we were there and as he was talking about his hostel we left our friend’s place to go visit his community that next day. Not only did I enjoy his property, but the community he was attracting was very impressive. So I knew I was excited to see whom I would meet at this event. Again another Mecca of amazing and creative minds draw here… and needless to say my expectations for conversations were far more than I could’ve imagined. But the caving experience itself was also far more than I could’ve imagined. Caving has been something I’ve been wanting to explore. I feel like this setting would be amazing for meditation and hopefully ceremony in the future. But I wanted to see how it went. I was oddly extremely comfortable in this space. I felt like a child playing in the subterranean world of the unknown… and I felt like I could do much much more of this. So the setup was to choose from beginner, intermediate, advanced, or meditative. Originally I thought my friend was leading the meditative trip so I signed up for this…. But also I thought I wanted to be more intentional on the first adventure before I would be more explorative on the second day. Of course it’s hard to not have a little expectation on what a meditative trip in the caving world would be… but I tried my best to just keep it open since meditation is subjective. There were only four guests that had chosen this style and I think it was assumed that the ones who chose this were beginners who were a bit hesitant or even scared to be inside caves. I guess in a way that makes sense, but of course that wasn’t the case for myself. I guess it’s easier to explain that when I go hiking… I don’t normally enjoy going with people whom just want to get to a destination and back. I’m much more wanting to enjoy and immerse myself into the environment and take my time to allow the environment to speak to me and feel my way through. So that’s how I wanted to approach the caving situation as well. I also brought my flute and drum with me… so I thought it would be nice to bring with me for the meditation. I had mentioned this to the group leader and it was interesting to see how seemingly uncomfortable she was to have me to my belongings with me. I could see it in her face but she didn’t address it right away. It wasn’t until we were at the location in the parking lot that she said she was thinking and asked her management about it… and it’s recommended to not bring it. They also recommended to not bring any phones or things to record because of safety and obviously they didn’t want anything to happen to our property. But the thing is… it is our property and I’d definitely take responsibility if any damages came to them without blaming them for my choices. I briefly asked her of what I had heard about the trips. I had heard our trip was going to be shorter than any other trip. And everyone car pooled so we were going to have to wait for the other groups to return before we would be able to leave. So I asked if I took full responsibility for my belongings… I wanted to have the opportunity to play my instruments in a meditative way once our trip was done and we have to wait for others to return. I told her that I don’t ’want to disturb anyone with my music, but there should be a way I can do this alone for myself. And she said that was up to me, but she doesn’t recommend it. It didn’t take much thought for me… I was taking it… I knew it was going to be extremely easy trek for the meditative trip and I was confident I wouldn’t have any issues with my iPad or my instruments…. So they came with me. To begin our trip we sat in a circle outside of the entry to the cave to relax and regain focus and connection. We were asked to explain why we had chosen the meditative trip instead of another. I was explaining a little bit of my background as an Enlightenment shaman, intentional spaces of exploration before trying to get to a destination, but also this was a weekend of caving so why not start with a meditative trip and then step it up a notch for the following day. I listened to the other three guests and one had stood out to me was a guy who was with his friend who emphasized that spirituality comes first in his life and that triggered me to want to find a chance to see what he means by this…. And it was easy to discuss because they were curious about my background… so we all had great conversations throughout our time inside and out of the cave, especially when we were waiting for the other groups for an hour. So we were walking to the entrance using the restroom before we entered… I heard a few times from different staff that some basic rules of caving is to not go number two inside and also try your best not to touch anything as much as possible so our oils don’t deconstruct that natural formations that’s been creating themselves for centuries. That all made complete sense… this was the first time I had a helmet and light to go exploring inside a cave. And I knew how important a helmet would be for me because I know I’d get pretty excited in there so bumping my head would definitely be expected… hehe Ok… a little unexpected interruption to the train of thought… I am trying to arrange this weekend with my friend and he and I had a great conversation that I’d like to write about real quick. But… I actually have to call my girl friend to discuss… so I’ll be right back. alright… I’m back… so where to go… so I saw a post from my friend who founded the hostel who is hosting his first intentional community event at his property. He mentioned that if anyone is interested in joining to contact him. It was late… so I waited til this morning to remind him that I’m very interested in attending, but I also was wanting to take a friend with me and also hoping to arrange a time for us to talk one on one for a possibility to partner up for his next season. So originally he was open for us to join and said that he would like to send some information for my friend to get more details of what a work trade program would be like for his community and asked for her email. So I got her email and sent it over to him. After awhile he ended up sending me another message to the roundabouts of he’s not sure how I’ll respond to his inquiry but how well do I know this friend of mine? Is it an enthusiastic yes I know them and would be able to be confident in their participation or am I kind of a crossing my fingers that it goes well. I was chuckling at this message… because it was very intentional and insightful… and pretty much something I’ve been working through as well. So I responded to him by saying that both applies… hehe… Yes I enthusiastically know and adore my friend I’ve known since sixth grade… she’s super sweet and inquisitive and would add value IF she’s comfortable… so I do have my fingers crossed as well because I wasn’t sure if this was the event to take her to meet my friend and visit the community. In fact I had given her an assignment to see if she was really ready to go to this event or not. I asked her if she could think about what intentional community means to her, and if she was wanting to be a part of one… what would her expectations be to be or how would she think it would be like. I didn’t really give her much more information than this to see how she interpreted the questions… in fact the first thing she said is she’s like to talk to me about it first… and I said I’d like for her to see where her thoughts go before we discuss. We plan on making cream puffs together this week and we’ll discuss it then… giving her a few days to think about it. And I told him about it… I too was uncertain that this event was going to be the correct time to bring her and since I’m so close to her and want to introduce her to experience the hostel and my friend its hard not to want to invite her to everything. I would have loved to have her go with me to the caving event there but she’s currently struggling with an ailment with her leg and has to where a brace when she walks long distance and recently got a cane which seems to be embarrassing for her. We’re trying to convince her mind that this doesn’t have to stop her from having a fulfilling life. She’s strong and she’s been able to overcome obstacles specifically her addiction to drugs that is very impressive. But since she has come to the other side… she hasn’t found how to be the new person she’s become. She’s trying to figure that out but doesn’t have much direction to find that out. So socially she’s getting challenged for years now. She continues to live in our small town from childhood and so there are the same people that have helped in her addiction and she’s removed most out of her life. But a few still linger around whom respect her changes… but also doesn’t want her to change to an extent that makes them comfortable. Needless to say… I’m trying to motivate her to meet new people. With her circumstances with her drug addiction it has put some challenges in her path that is now what she’s trying to overcome. At the time she was engaging in drugs this led her to having seizures. I was there when she had her first seizure and I remember how everyone reacted when it went down. We were at her current boyfriend’s house and he had roommates… and we were there having a good time partying… and we flipped on the lights to a room we were entering and all of a sudden she went collapsing down and shaking. I have a cousin who has seizures and the first thought was to call the hospital and make sure she’s not biting or trying to swallow her tongue. So yes I was asking everyone there to call 911 and get the ambulance there while I was trying to get a spoon to place into her mouth. And the response from the people there was they were too afraid of getting into any trouble because they’re partying with underage people and if the police comes they thought they would go to jail or get into trouble. I remember being so upset that no one was willing to call 911… I mean that was the time that we used home phones… I didn’t have a cell phone and all I know is that I need to get her help and I need to get it as soon as possible. It’s not my house and they don’t want the ambulance at their house. I said well I’m going to take her to the emergency room then. And there was only one other person who was there that was willing to help… and no it wasn’t her boyfriend. It was our classmate friend and he helped me pick her up, put her into the car, and got her into the emergency room to help. Fast forward… because her drug use continued and amplified I had to make a decision to not have as much contact in fact we went several years not talking. I believe I might’ve discussed this last year when I was starting this Journal… but I reached out a few years back and saw a difference. I told her that she’s not stoned or wasted right now.. and that’s when she told me she’s been sober from drugs for about two years now. And that’s when our relationship continued. To bring it back to the thoughts I was talking about… .because of her seizures they continued and got worse. When we were not in communication she was working somewhere where her seizures were often enough that the company she was working for recommended she goes onto disability. And without knowing the consequences or options… she went through with it. And I admit at this time… I would say she was definitely at a state that would be considered fully disabled to function a normal life at that time. But now that she’s off of her abdications…. Being on the fully disabled list doesn’t apply. With this on her record… she’s unable to work unless it’s getting paid under the table, she’s unable to drive, she’s unable to even have her own bank account… so even though she wants to move forward with her life…she doesn’t even know where to begin to get out of this hole. I continue to encourage her that there are options to find out there… and steps to take… but I’m not the one to take these steps… she’s going to want to do it for herself… and she’s at the point of wanting to but again the actions steps aren’t known and so it’s prolonging the progression… but of course this is the period of time that is getting her to be ready… there’s progression but it’s not obvious because it’s not manifesting physically but mentally it’s progressing forward… and again when I’m around I’m looking for opportunities to help her… in some way I can give her a bit more confidence and I’m not afraid of making steps or mistakes.. so I suggest things that might help her out in many avenues in her life. But we will focus on is this specific event. So I was telling my friend that she has situational confidence and this will be perceived as something that is going to be out of her comfort zone by going to a new place… meeting new people… nervous about being socially awkward…. Nervous she’s going to be a burden because she’s having issues with her leg… and the fact she’s not even aware of intentional communities… that I’m not sure that this would be the right time… but I told him that in the next few days I’ll get a better idea if she would be an asset or not. I also had to admit to him that I’m not sure of what her degree of neediness would be while we’re there. When we’re out of our comfort zone, we tend to be a bit more needy to the ones you know and trust… so I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be as fully engaged in conversation because I’ll be concerned of her comfort ability. If she gets there and relaxes and enjoys herself… she won’t be needy, but if that’s not the case… then neediness will be there and since I adore her… and introducing her to this new situation I’d feel responsible to help her through that. Just to mention… I did not say all of this to my friend… but in a shorter version… but definitely not as concise as one would normally… that’s not my communication at this time. But his response was a relief… in fact this entire conversation was very intuitive and I love that! he said that if it’s not an absolute yes at this time… why don’t we arrange a different time for us to visit together… is that good for me? And admittedly… it was a relief and thankful for his communication and curiosity to our situation… he said that this is a different event… most of what he hosts are fun and social but this Intention Convention is another animal… it’s more intense and professional and serious.. the group that’s going to be there are fun and social people… but when we find people who shares in the same passions… we can geek out on it… and we want participants to all want to geek out on it… he assumes it’s going to be a bit chaotic and if he removes any wildcard variables it would make much more sense… and honestly I’m grateful that my friend is letting me join too because I don’t own or manage an intentional community but I’m looking to connect a network of intentional communities globally. I’ve been able to gather information from my observations from the communities I’ve been involved with and I feel like I’d have insights to contribute to the conversation. Most recently at the ashram temple in Utah… they wanted me to manage their community but by doing this there were implications that I’d have to be something I am not and have a thumb on top of me not allowing the freedom and creativity that is the main asset I bring to situations. In fact one of the reasons I’d like to address here during this Journal entry.. but there’s other moving parts I’d like to address as well while I’m here today. I responded simply that we will arrange another time that we can come and visit together… I’ll be there and super excited… and that is quite an understatement… hehe… this is a huge part of my purpose and I’m looking forward to meeting other passionate people in intentional communities… I had confessed to my friend and his staff during a staff discussion where I briefly mentioned that some may see easily that I”m a community minded individual, but what they don’t see easily.. is that I’m a global communities minded… I didn’t get into much detail because of brevity but I hope to discuss with him when we get time to share with one another. Hehe… a little interruption… I was hanging out with another girl friend this weekend and she’s been curious about cyber security specifically with ICAC and I have two contacts that I met with connections to different types of cyber security and I reached out to one and waiting for the next one… but he’s monitoring voter fraud in Colorado elections… so yes he’s swamped… but I’m going to get to this weekend which was very insightful and fully of clarity especially after talking to this friend in particular… hehe… many moving parts in my head right now… and I’m trying to figure out how to write it all out in a not so chaotic manner… but I guess that’s not what’s going to happen right now… but I want to just say… the caving event went extremely well. I know I’m going to dive deeper into meditation and ceremony in caving situations… It was fun to go in a group setting but I also had the desire to find a way to go by myself… the way I approach space and my intention doesn’t have to be compromised when I’m solo. My friend who is the founder actually drew out a cave that he recommends going to if we want to go alone… it’s one of his meditation areas… and after going I can see why. He shared this with a few of us… one girl went the day before I did and she ended up in a field and a bit lost… so I was wondering how the directions would be for me too. But honestly she didn’t even take a picture of the map he drew out… she said she would remember it… and we chuckled knowing that wouldn’t help find the cave entrance… but the map worked well… I found myself taking notes and videos as I was following the map becuase I absolutely love map making.. and I can already see a map I can draw to make it easier for people to find. But sometimes that’s part of it… it’s not supposed to be that easy for everyone… it takes courage and effort to get the results.. but I had an amazing time going alone and exploring this area. I didn’t have much time… I spent a few hours but I was heading back home which is three hours away and I needed to stop at my cousin’s house too while I headed back home. She accidentally broke our grandmother’s pearl necklace and I fixed it for her and needed to drop it off. But there was a beautiful green pond that looked inviting but I didn’t take a dip at this time… but as i like orienteering it was fun to not know what I’m looking for and just follow the map. I thought it was fairly easy to follow… except there was something that I questioned… there were marking to cave entrances and I know he probably said things specifically to the one we enter but I couldn’t recall and when I looked at the map I was questioning whether the third entrance was it? Or did I have to go around and find another entrance on the other side? So the third entrance looked like what he described by going down at a 45 degree angle to enter and leads to the underground river…. Which is what it was… but again if I just looked at the map I questioned and so I took a look around to make sure I’m not missing another entry point… after looking for awhile I decided that the third entrance has to be it… and it was! I didn’t have a helmet with me this time… just a head lamp. I had to climb down rocks before I found the cavern dome where the beginning of the river was seen. I sat down and I could hear the rushing water in the distant tunnel ahead… it was calling to me… begging me to explore… I didn’t know at this time whether I was going to go or not… in fact I thought I was going to but I sat first… I especially enjoy lights out in a cave and so I wanted to do this here. When I first heard of a friend who enjoyed caving he described moments of sensory deprivation… I feel like I have a memory where he was wedged into a crack and it seemed liked he was suspended in space, but I also feel like if I was submerged into water with lights out could really get the feeling of sensory deprivation. I had mentioned this during our initial meditative introduction of why I chose this… sensory deprivation opportunities to see what can be observed or possibly awakened… excites me! I’ve had messages about ceremonies in caves… so this weekend was my next steps into exploring this. But I chose to lay in silence and pitch blackness on some rocks next to the river… I love it! In the silence except for the music coming from the running water what I could assume is rushing down the rocks dropping in elevation… I found that I decided this would not be the time to explore… I don’t have a helmet and I definitely will need a helmet… hehe… also I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get wet at this time either… this was like my last pair of clean clothes and I need to drive still so I was just going to spend time here in the cave at the entrance of the unknown… ok with it being the unknown until I return. So I was curious to see what I would see in the darkness. At few interesting things happened the days ahead when I was in the caves with the groups… the meditative group trip we went to a place to do our guided meditation… again it’s always interesting to experience everyone’s take on what they think meditation is and how to approach it. So our guide decided she was to guid us in a meditation… which seemed that there was a projection that we might have stresses in our life that we are trying to be ok with and at this time if we notice any troublesome thoughts to notice it but also be open to have it dissolve… which again is all well intentioned and helpful but specifically if we are all in this state… which I was not. I love meditation in silence for me to be able to observe myself internally I usually do not opt for guided meditation… for me that’s more like visualization practices at least the whole thing about a person talking the entire time and asking you questions and just talking…which again isn’t as helpful for me to get into a deep internal state of connection with the All that we find ourselves in…. But I witnessed my response to the talking… I saw that I wasn’t as irritable as I might’ve been in the past being opinionated that meditative practices in my experience is best in silence but this wasn’t my guided tour… this was hers and so I respect that and she did a great job… but I did attempt to mute her out… and connect to the surroundings and see what I could discover for myself. So I took off my helmet and everyone had their lights off and I laid on the dirt with direct contact with the earth. It was cool but I didn’t get cold… I was warned to take extra layers of clothes because once you stop in a cave most people get cold… I’m glad that I didn’t need this at the time… and I just relaxed into the moment and connected… it was funny to me that even though I was in complete darkness I decided to close my eyes still.. maybe it’s just a habit I’ve learned… but this is what I found myself doing and I allowed it and waited and watched… shortly after I started to see a very faint light almost as if it was a flashlight that was running out of batteries… this light seemed to cross the ceiling of the cave very very slowly and it continued to the point I started to think and question… did someone turn their flashlight on? And so I opened up my eyes and saw that no one had.. and so I went to closing my eyes and observing… It continued… this slow roaming dim light as if looking at the details of the rock texture of the ceiling. The details couldn’t be seen but that seemed to be what I was trying to do. I wasn’t able to continue doing this because the guided meditation was over and I think people were getting cold… but I remember the guide saying to take as much time to become aware of the present moment and to move slowly from our positions until we’re ready to turn on the lights and continue the trip. I definitely took my time… hehe… but also aware that I”m not alone and to respect the other parties involved… but again a longing to just be slower in my experience was desired… again hinting at wanting to be there alone without having to go with the crowd. On the second cave adventure which our guide classified as an intermediate to beginner trip there was another opportunity for lights out. I didn’t bring it up but of course I was excited about it. And it was funny this time because I assumed when it’s lights out that also meant to imply no talking… this wasn’t a meditative trip so there wasn’t going to be a guided meditation so I was hoping for silence in the darkness…and for a few brief moments there was no talking… again easy to here any water echoing off the cave walls and as if water is plunging on top of itself falling from rocks that are higher then the stream the water fell onto…and awwww…. It was very pleasant… but again I understand these moments I wait to be in but most will feel impatient or uncomfortable… so two people started talking… they started talking about the tales of cave monsters that people tell… again I observed my response to their conversation not really caring what they were talking about… just the fact theirs conversation going on in a brilliant moment to connect to our surroundings in a different manner… a deeper manner in my opinion… a respectful manner to the environment we find ourselves in. The inhabitants and the earth, rocks, water… whatever is normally in this space does not usually have humans there… and humans seem to appreciate their environments but to what degrees? It would’ve been nice to experience how this space is in it’s normal circumstances… because they were talking more people started talking after they told their monster story… and someone mentioned they could hear the bats… we found a single bat over the area we were in which was cool… but I was thinking to myself… darn it… I didn’t hear the bat with those few moments of silence before the talking came into play… I was thinking so much about how I wished they’d stop talking that I didn’t hear the bats… so at this moment I didn’t want to not say something… I apologized but I asked if there was anyway that we could stop talking and sit in silence with the lights out for at least a minute… I just want to be able to see what I can observe at this time and be with the environment. I didn’t want to be rude or bossy but it did feel that way just to ask if there could be a minute of silence with lights out…and I felt like some were like why do we have to sit in silence… but others thanked me for voicing my requests because they wanted to ask the same thing… these others were a newly wed couple who joined us who were not directly involved with the caving event from the hostel.. they were naturalists and I was absolutely thrilled to have them join our adventure and found myself relating more to them then the few individuals I came with from the hostel. I observed that they were wanting to explore the cave as I’d like to… take their time… looking at all the details… it was fascinating hearing them talk about all the rock and animal life we ran into. And as I am recording… because they took their time… I got the best footage recording them… and I was grateful to capture their footage. And I was able to thank them as well after the wife found me on facebook… they just got married the night before and this caving adventure was part of their honeymoon… which I was so delighted to here and again after experiencing this with them… so thankful to have met…and who knows if our paths will meet again in the future… I hope so. But in those maybe 90 seconds of silence in the darkness… I did focus enough to hear a little chitter that could be a bat… I heard the water again… and it allowed for a brief light show similar to the one I saw the first day in the meditative trip. I was enjoying myself and it seemed like everyone was waiting for me to be ready to say that it’s ok to talk again… hehe… as much as I could’ve sat there longer I said that I was thankful they allowed that time because I enjoyed there cooperation and appreciate it. We continued as we did afterwards… but so that night when I went to bed and as I watched the darkness behind my closed eye lids I found those lights returning to my vision. Instead of it being a small circle of lights that were dim slowly moving across the ceiling… it was a little different… it seemed like the light was far larger… I’m think eight times larger than in the caves… it still moved very slowly as if looking at all the details that were hard to see but it also seemed like it wasn’t scanning over the ceiling anymore… it was as if I was walking or most likely crawling it seemed to go over a hump of clay into a hole of darkness and the light got swallowed up in the darkness and the dim light disappeared. All of this is interesting to me and I look forward to see what happens when I’m alone and have the freedom to literally sit in the darkness and semi-silence for as long as I want. So I was sitting at the entrance of the river in the darkness wondering if I was going to see any lights this time… At this time… there was nothing… and I just continued to lie in peace for awhile. Eventually the thought of playing my instruments in this space came to me…and so I turned on my head lamp to get my flute and drum out to play. I grabbed my flute first… I played the sequence that I seem to be finding myself playing when I grab the flute… it varies each time but it’s very similar to what I play… this instrument is still new to me but I loved it bellowing into the dome… there are times where it gets hard to play the flute because of moisture… mostly from what I assume is my spit… but I also think in this case because of the dampness of the cave as well which wasn’t as helpful for flute play. But I played it until it didn’t want to play anymore… and so I moved to my drum. I remember a few rhythms from last summer being a part of the drum troupe… and so I find myself practicing and tying to remember these patterns and so I usually start off slow and then pick up the pace as I relax into the rhythm… I decided that I’ll go ahead and record some of the music I’m playing and placed the light and camera onto the ceiling and continued playing. Drumming is so satisfying… again taking steps to be more confident in my play… After time passed I placed the drum and flute back into my bag and pulled out my pipe… ground my experience with tobacco and how much pleasure I get when I’m conscious with my smoking… I decided to go into pitch blackness again for awhile… this time I didn’t close my eyes… I kept them open and watched and waited to see if I could see anything… this time I did.. but it wasn’t like my times before… there was very subtle moments that I started to see… let’s say everything was black well the color was a dark grayish i guess… it didn’t stand out… but there seemed to be movement similar to what I would see actually if I have my eyes closed. I guess I could try to describe seeing the reflection off the water onto plants and rocks that capture the lights reflection? I understand but not certain the words to describe it now, but again… i was enjoying this movement aware that this wasn’t behind my eye lids but with my eyes open observing the space. All of a sudden in the corner of my eye there was a glow that started to become in my awareness… I looked at it and it looked as if there was something glowing underneath something… so it wasn’t all over and super bright.. but definitely stood out… I looked away to see if I would still see it when I looked back and it was still glowing and this time there was no movement… it was one specific spot that was glowing… after a few moments I noticed another area where I saw glowing but it was a bit different and after observing and thinking about the layout of the room… these were lights of daylight reflecting off the rocks near the entrance. I wasn’t far from the entrance but there’s a descension and a turn to the left so at first I didn’t notice that there was any daylight anywhere… at first it was black… the glowing I was first describing wasn’t anywhere near the other lights… the glow wasn’t far from me which couldn’t have been daylight… I didn’t know what it meant but I thought… I’m going to see where this spot is… and so I looked at the glow and turned on my head lamp to see where it was… it seemed to be a single rock in the water… I located it and I made my way there and placed my left hand on it… I turned the lights off again and observed the environment to see what would happen… and after a few minutes of acclamation the space was no longer black… it was light gray and similar movements that I saw as if reflections off the water but the brightness was increasing in size and took over my entire vision… it was a bit overwhelming and unusual that I didn’t see any blackness right now… but it also didn’t look like a cave anymore… I closed my eyes to breathe in slowly and opened them again… and it seemed like it was the same thing going on… and so I decided to turn on my lights. It was crazy to think that being in this space for this amount of time that I didn’t even see the darkness anymore, but I also didn’t see any details of the space either… so I didn’t know where the water or rocks were. But my vision is different even when I’m in Aya ceremonies.. and so I was curious to see what my vision would be like in a cave… again all of this helps excite me for integration steps to help assist my performance with Ayahuasca. I felt amazing when I climbed out of the cave back into the light of the sun and surrounded by the woods… almost a bit dizzy once I started to retrace my steps back to the pond. I looked at the time knowing that I probably didn’t have time to go to the second cave he put on the map… but I thought I’d walk around the area to see if I could spot the area he had mapped out… but I think there might be a little flaw in the hand drawn map… but I enjoyed taking my time leaving the space… I saw about three blue jays flying around from one tree to the other going back and forth… and once I got back to the van to head out… I knew caving is something I’d like to attract more of in my future… but specifically intentional caving Ok.. I think that might be where I’ll switch away from the caving and head into the next focal I wanted to share today… the unexpected chicken game at the hostel… hehe… so I’ve already been talking about preparing myself to having more possible romantic or sexual encounters for the past six months… it’s been apparent that I’m trying to get myself ready for opportunities to explore this. This is an area I need to work on and I guess this is a time that I can be more deliberate on my practice to explore my relationship to sexuality. When I was in Colorado and I was trying to create the event with sexual adult play… I found out that the community I was in wasn’t quite ready for this event and also I didn’t have the time either. I realized when it comes to large gatherings of sexuality it doesn’t make me uncomfortable… but thinking about being completely vulnerable and sexually intimate and expressive is the area I am out of my comfort zone… which again is the area I need to work on and so I wait to see how it will introduce itself to me. I’ve been talking to friends and I’ve kind of found a way to explain it a little… I started getting messages that sexuality was going to be addressed in my reality and so I know I’ve kept that door closed for years now, but for six months I’ve cracked the door open… but I was going to kick it wide open when it came to the sexual entertainment party I was going to host… but I wasn’t able to kick the door open… and so it was still cracked waiting to see how things play out… when I finally spoke and verified with the Australian that we are not mutually wanting the same things that door I had closed wasn’t going to be closed any longer… I know I’m feeling I’m looking for affection and intimacy again… but how was reality going to introduce this back into my Reality and how was going to handle it? lol… well I guess it introduced it back with a little game of Chicken. So… the founder is absolutely brilliant man who is very creative and comfortable in his sexuality. This board game is something he offers to guests that he thinks will be open and curious to play and there were ten of us in this group which were down to see what it was about. Let’s explain the rules which again I think is interpretive depending who is leading the group to how it’s played. So the guy leading explains… there are eight levels with it’s own designation of cards… it starts out at level one which has a single chicken on it and moves up to level eight which is called extreme I believe. And so as we choose the cards, we can choose to stay in the lower range which could just be answering questions as what’s your favorite color or to give a simple kiss a peck on the cheek or the mouth… more of the tame activities while if we continue to go higher the cards start to ask for more daring encounters with the participants involved which I hear can get pretty damn extreme.. hehe. Well…. The group dynamic determines who wild it gets and how quickly the wildness will come… but in reality it can stay pretty tame if the group wants it… and so I found it interesting to be there with this particular group… I had a fun time. But anyway… another part of the rules is that we try to get an equal amount of genders to play… we had six girls and four boys… but one boy and one girl was nonbinary… and what I’m trying to say is that it was pretty even. One of the die had curved corners for the females and the sharp corners for the males. There can be up to twelve players and everyone gets designated a number. I was number two on the curved die. So.. when we play if the person who is choosing the card gets an activity card not a question card then they role the dies to see who the choices are to participants of said activity. So again this group leader said that consent is of utmost importance and so if you who chooses the card doesn’t want to do the activity or answer the question then you can choose to drink alcoholic or not or choose two cards from lower levels. If you are chosen as the participant for activity, you can too decide to say no and use your words to express this in a nonjudgemental manner… everyone should be expressing if it’s a mutual exchange of experience. So… I won’t go into details of what all was being done.. but I want to focus on was my thoughts and observations of myself while I was playing this game… and I might go into some personal ones that the game asked from me. So first of all… most should know by now if following any of my Journal… I’ve been practicing celibacy for seven years now and the last time I kissed someone was about four years ago. At that time there was still a bit of the pandemic I was dealing with and my stepdad had passed and I wanted to get a ticket to Hawaii to attend his funeral. I didn’t have much time or options when it came to work… so I decided to become an exotic dancer for a few months. All my life people have asked if I was an exotic dancer… hehe… and now I can say yes for a few months I was. But I ended up kissing a girl for the first time while I was in the club. I hadn’t had any sexual encounters directly with females before this… the only thing was my girl friend back in middle/ high school days would make out with our partners in the same room together. But I didn’t even notice them since I was in my own world at the time… but once we played with her boyfriend which was just running our hands and fingers along his body… nothing too crazy I’d say… but that’s not what I”m going to go on a tangent about right now… hehe… but I first got to experience a girl in a sexual manner was a man asked me to dance with friend who was a girl. She was attracted to women and she found me attractive and would like a lap dance. I said that would be fun and so i did… while I was dancing he interrupted and said that he’d like to watch me dance with her and his girlfriend at the same time… and so I went with it… and goodness… it was fun! Women are so soft and ooey gooey… hehe I remember thinking I can understand why men enjoy snuggling up on us. Girls also seem to be more expressive of their enjoyment then I found men to be which added to the excitement. And so eventually working here I started to get the opportunities to work with couples… I didn’t know how well I’d enjoy working with couples in fact that was far more fun for me personally then just men I think.. I guess it depends on each situation.. but it was new and I liked it. Well… I’m just as honest as an exotic dancer as I am anywhere so the first couple I danced with in privacy I admitted that I had never kissed a girl before. They were surprised because I seemed quite confident and good at pleasure the girl but the girl asked me if she could be my first… and I was enjoying myself with them and so I did… I ended up kissing one more girl while I was a dancer but yes… that has been four years ago… and I finally got an opportunity to possibly kiss again in this game… hehe… so what did I observe in myself during the game. First of all, I felt very comfortable… when it comes to games and groups… I see it all as entertainment and I’m confident in being a good performer. So I was looking forward to entertain and please. What I also found out is that it took more than half of the game to go by without my number being rolled… hehe… I found that I was kind of a little disappointed that I wasn’t an option for anyone to play with me directly… hehe… people were choosing me to participate with others… but curved number two wasn’t showing itself and I thought that I’m too willing and this game is tame… so just relax and enjoy it… which I was able to…but when someone finally rolled my number I had to let everyone know that I had been waiting there patiently enjoying myself watching but we’re about over and I finally get a chance to be a choice to choose from… lol… so of course the person who rolled said well would you like to participate in the activity, then… and I said of course… and so I got to make out for the first time in a long time and for me it was fun because I felt like this game was more performance than anything else. Another interesting point I’d like to share for myself in this game is that I got the questions… who are you most attractive to who is playing the game with you right now? And I had to laugh because I did have to answer the favorite color card too… and I said remember how I answered that questions… I said probably shades of green… hehe… I should’ve said rainbow… so yeah picking out favorites is not my thing… so everyone agreed that I could pick my top two instead of one. So again I couldn’t just answer because looking around I didn’t know who to choose at first… so I was delaying my decision and was confessing that I find almost everyone attractive… and I know I’ve disclosed this information before… but its true attraction for me isn’t just physical… everyone I meet I seem to find an attractiveness for in one way or more… so I was telling everyone this and I was specifically looking at everyone’s eyes… so I was saying that I find them all attractive and it’s true but to be able to pick the top two of this group I thought… to be honest I have spoken to two of you more then the others in the group and so right now I find you guys more attractive… I said and touched one girl that we have been having great conversation to and from the caves… and then I said and touched the one guy who shared the meditative trip with me and with an hour of waiting on the groups to return we were really able to dive much deeper in our spirituality which is attractive. I believe because of this one card… it led to an engagement this past weekend which I’ll be discussing I guess next… hehe… so after this game I was buzzing a bit… and curious to see how different my life is going to be by having this door cracked open a bit. And I started to definitely see a difference in myself and my thoughts. They’ll come out but I’m going through the steps of how I understood them more than I did just two weeks ago at this event. So how does this unfold? Well… I stayed after a few days from the weekend event to volunteer… I love community and helping out and I have time to see how things run on the daily… I’m curious. I’ve been watching my friend the founder for six years now through social media and he’s been standing out in my attention and I’ve been impressed again already wanting to attend his two events of caving and intentional communities. But I also was offline when I was there. So as I was exchanging my information I’d mention that I wanted to be offline while I was there so I can immerse myself fully and to just get a break from online activity. I believe it was late Monday that I finally got connected and I was getting several messages. When I got back home I felt like I had much more time to give my full attention and that’s when the guy I chose as one of the most attractive during the game asked if we can meet up. We thought the following weekend but I told him that I’d like to stay home for a weekend because I’ve only been back two weeks and I’d just like to adjust a bit more and honestly wanted to spend time with my cat who is freaking out right now because I’ve been gone so many days since we arrived back to Indiana… he’s doing fine, but he’s also not leaving my side when I’m back at my dad’s place where we are staying at the moment. I also told him if I go to Indy area that I’d like to spend a few days there and so I want to make plans with friends… this will give me a week to do this and he was fine with it. So I was able to reach a few friends that I wanted to see first and spend time with… and so we decided that Friday night will be our night to hang… when we were deciding what to do I didn’t originally think of this as a date… but as it continued… I was like is this a date? I guess this could be considered a date… hehe… I just haven’t thought about hanging out with people as an opportunity for something sexual or romantic to be involved in such a long time… when I started to question if this was a date that’s when my mind became weird… hehe… I was like holy shit… I’m awkward as hell when I think of being romantic or sexual with someone… and I’m telling you this is something new to me… before my shamanism journey I felt like I was confident in this area of my life… I’m realizing that all of those memories and moments in the past I was just really good at performing or acting… even so much so that I didn’t even know I was performing for myself. I wasn’t really ever ready to give myself fully to a relationship even though I thought I was… I’m sure more insights will come out.. but anyway how did our conversation go setting up this ”date”. He sent over some ideas to do together and mostly involving haunted houses… and so I told him that it sounded like fun but really I just want to talk to him and get to know him better… in my mind at first I’m still thinking he might be someone I’d like to invite to join in Ayahuasca ceremonies… hehe… I told him let me look around and see if there’s anything that doesn’t involve so much money that we can enjoy together… I haven’t looked for a gig since I’ve been back and so money is tight right now… and as I was looking… which it wasn’t as successful in the option I was seeing since everything I wanted to do also costed money and not much difference than the haunted house… and while I was searching he said it would not be a problem for him to pay for it… in fact to not worry about cost… he just wanted to have time to share and get to know me better as well… and so I said if it’s ok with him then it’ll be ok with me too. He said that with his kids and his parents spending the weekend at his place… we can meet at his place but after the haunted house we could go to one of his friend’s house or go to a hotel or find something to do to talk. I told him I’m open and all of the above would work for me. If nothing else I’ll be taking blankets and pillows with me and I’ll sleep in the van if I have to. He laughed and said there’s no way I’m going to be sleeping in the van, but a girl does what she has to… and it would be great to not sleep in the van, but if I have to I will and it wouldn’t bother me… there’s ton of space in there… hehe. So we said let’s get a hotel… he found a bed and breakfast which looked gorgeous and one of the pictures showed a large jacuzzi tub and of course I had to mention how a bath would be awesome. He called to book it and I guess they had a two night minimum… I told him I could look for spots on Airbnb… maybe there’s options there… which I wasn’t successful at finding but as I was looking he said he found a hotel that had a whirlpool tub in the space… and if he should book it… I told him that we don’t have to have a tub… but I love soaking in them and I figured we could maybe have some fun enjoying it together… there I go this is when I was like is this a date? But he immediately said… yessss booking it now… lol… unfortunately there wasn’t a tub in the room… the people he was talking to wasn’t actually onsite and there was a pool and hot tub but none in a room… so I was hoping to have some fun with him in the tub… I was going to pick up some oils and see if he’d like a nuru massage… oiling each other up and using all of my body to massage his without focusing on using my hands… I love to slip and slide… this would probably be the closest thing to a fetish that I might have even though I haven't actually had many sexually experiences with this involved. But afterwards I was going to get some bath salts and suds with some candles and we could bathe each other while we soaked. I guess bath time and shower time has been the closest things I’ve done a bit to my slippery fantasizes… I’ve done nuru twice but again for professional activities not personal pleasure. I was running late to meet him and so I didn’t stop and get the supplies I went straight to the hotel and only being five minutes late I found him talking to the front desk asking if there’s a room that has a tub in it.. but they didn’t have such things at this location. So I found out I didn’t need to go buy these items anyway… and again it wasn’t necessary to enjoy ourselves. In my mind it was going to be an easier way for me to relax and enjoy myself in sexual play… as if I needed something to help me into this zone. We had fun at the haunted house and we went to visit his friend which I had a good time… I guess I was bringing up conversations that he didn’t know about his buddy… we had top notch conversations about spirituality and he doesn’t find anyone to talk this way with. He’s a philosophical theologian. And throughly enjoyed our talks in fact I told him I’m glad I wasn’t the driver because I would have pulled over to talk than to try to drive… hehe… he missed a few exits too while we were talking because it was noticeable we enjoyed our conversations. Also I noted his friend is pretty cool… he designs apps and is into psychedelics both recreationally and spiritually… these things I noticed because maybe I can see how intentional he’d like psychedelics to be… but no rush… I’ll see if it comes up in the future. But then we returned to the hotel… and it was a lovely room with a king sized bed which also came with a king sized television… lol… he was watching the goonies when I arrived back from the bathroom. I didn’t care what we were watching… I was to much engaged with talking more if he was up to it. I had things I had to talk to him about especially if we were going to go where we anticipated it to be leading to… I told him how seriously I’ve taken my spiritual practice specifically when it came to my sexuality… celibacy has given me so much insight but that game we played might have given him the wrong impression… one on one I feel like I’m going to be more scared and awkward… and that I didn’t know where my boundaries are at this time. Admittedly I didn’t tell him that I figured I wasn’t going to have sexual intercourse with him… I think I was challenging myself and seeing how I was going to respond in this situation… if I was going to cave in or not…but I just wanted to see how it went and again respond in the moment. So I don’t think I’m going to go into all the details of what we did… in fact I haven’t gotten his consent to discuss much details on what we talked about and activities we mutually shared together… so I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible but enough information to get my thoughts out. First of all… I wasn’t as scared or awkward in this position… just like it was a surprise for the guy I made out with during the game that he was the first person I’ve kissed in years… he probably wouldn’t have known I hadn’t been in this situation for closer to six years when I attempted a sexual encounter with a friend I met in the Florida airport and met up with wile traveling in Peru and met up again in Colorado… but I think I went through those details before and not relevant for this conversation… well.. actually it is relevant because I remember how crazy I did feel in those moments… I was so new to practicing celibacy and it was a huge internal battle of wanting to and not wanting to… that battle was intense and I felt a bit crazy while I was in it.. but that wasn’t the case this time… I wasn’t battling much… I did notice how responsive my body was to this encounter… like holy shit girl finally… you know you enjoy this… but I did have thoughts going on asking are you actually wanting to have sex with him? If you’re not going to have sex with him… how are you going to tell him? Are you going to voice your thoughts? And so I found myself telling him that I’m down for pretty much anything but I am not ready to actually have intercourse with penetration by his member into me… lol… I probably chose the wrong time to state my boundaries but I know for next time when I find myself in this situation again. He definitely wanted to penetrate and I was allowing his fingers to and he loved how wet and tight I was… I started chuckling and was like yeah… I’m not lying to you…. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this position. But I wasn’t going to let him go unsatisfied… I do love to please… and so I think I might have introduced to him a new position for going down on him that seemed to give him enjoyment. Again the next morning I was buzzing… my body was tingling and it almost felt like I had sex the night before… I can see how much my body and mind enjoy being in this unknown territory… but once we parted I was better able to contemplate what all went down and what all I observed in myself. I didn’t realize all of this until I was talking to my girl friend I went to visit on Saturday night. But there’s a few encounters before this so I’ll continue and express insights while talking with her. So I was meeting with my friend whom I also visit when I’m back in Indiana… we actually met each other in the salsa dancing scene… and he met me when I was in my polyamorous phase and there was a short stent of sexual encounters we shared… but this has been nine years ago now… very close to it at least… but our relationship has gotten stronger and more depth because of course I’ve become more spiritual and intentional and so this deepens our bonds. But right…. Going to meetup with him… i didn’t see this as a date… this is my friend and I care for him deeply but I haven’t been looking at him in this manner for years now… but of course we are catching up… talking about what’s has happened this past year when I went to Utah and what insights and direction I’ve been able to find there… so I went into that but of course I told the most confusing thing going on in my life is my relationship to sex. So again… I haven’t gotten permission or consent so I’ll try to keep it mostly to my thoughts as much as possible. Let’s just say I’ve been blunt and open to all the things that go on in my thoughts as I was leading up to the date the night before. I got to the point where I thought I was going to be awkward and scared… and how I don’t feel like I’m good at one to one engagements anymore but when it comes to sexual entertainment in groups that I’m fine… we both laughed because we both remember our past sexual encounters and said I know it might sound crazy but that’s how I feel now… he was laughing and said he can’t believe what I’m saying because there’s no way he’d believe I wasn’t confident in this area. He had a blast… I told him about the game I found myself in at the hostel which really got him going. He found a walking trail alongside a community with beautiful neon colored fall trees… loved it! We sat on the bench as we were heading out and he said… tell me more about you kissing girls… lol… I laughed and said well… I haven’t kissed many girls… told him how I started and some details about the game but I told him that kissing a girl does seem to have differences to the men I’ve kissed. I mean there’s nuances but in general there seems to be a difference. And so he wanted to know. I said that when I’m kissing a guy… there seems to be an expectation that this kiss is leading to a destination… and honestly maybe that’s a projection I have on myself but that’s how I explained it… and when I kiss a girl that expectation of a destination isn’t there…. It’s as if we’re ok if the destination is just to being kissing and enjoying the kiss we’re sharing in the moment. This subtlety makes a difference. And honestly I don’t really know if this is a gender thing… I’m sure to guarantee that it’s an individual thing… but I was talking with my buddy and was just having a conversation casually and not thinking about being political correct or something. I just was expressing my opinion at the time. I told him that I’d like to be a master of foreplay… where the destination isn’t the point… almost similar to the idea I get from people who I know who talk about the kink scene… to have mutual pleasure in as many ways other than intercourse… intercourse isn’t there intention going into a sexual sharing. He laughed at me and said that he’s definitely down to be a partner if I’m looking for one. We have a history and he enjoys foreplay as well. I looked at him and asked how his girlfriend would feel about this? Is she open to this? Are these things you’ve talked to her about? And he said that he’s brought things up like this to her before… he implied that she doesn’t seem to be interested in sharing sexual experiences with girls but might consider sexual experiences with other partners… he didn’t go into much detail and I figured we’d be talking more and so maybe I’ll get more out of him the more we talk. And so I said that I don’t want anything I do to be a secret or hidden. I respect you but I also respect your girlfriend… I’m not going to be doing anything behind her back. He said he’d love to watch me and his girl together… he said that he doesn’t know of any guy who doesn’t fantasize about this. I told him that I’m not really sexually attracted to women. I tried to explain that I find women beautiful and attractive yes… but when it comes to sex… kissing on their lips and maybe neck and shoulders… massaging and running my fingers on their skin… this seems fine with me yet not something I’m going to go seek out… but if I find myself in this situation I can engage with it and enjoy myself… but I don’t actually want to get dirty with women… I want to get dirty with guys…hehe… I don’t see myself wanting to go down on a girl or sucking on her nipples… or fingering a girl… I mean things can change but that doesn’t seem to be where I’m at and again I don’t have an interest in going to find that experience. We were able to get away from this topic and go more in depth in spiritual matters which I’m usually pretty at steering towards… but he said that he’d like to see if he can set something up with his girl or someone else when he left… oh my goodness… I’m literally kicking the door open and seeing what the hell I’l respond too… but is that really what I want? Oh…. At the beginning of the weekend I didn’t plan on meeting another gentleman I met at the caving event. He messaged me right before I was leaving on my date Friday. He said that he had work in Ohio and he was driving through Indy to get back home. Would I be available to hangout this weekend. I told him that I was planning on being in Indy this weekend but I have made plans so I’d be available Sunday… we jumped back and forth of possibly doing a group activity on Saturday night but we finalized eating lunch Sunday before he headed out and I needed to be at a drum cicle. So yeah I just wanted to add to the dynamics of holy shit… I met this man at the hostel… and we had some deep conversations as well the first night there… at the end he was asking if I wanted to join him in his rental spot because it was going to be a cold night. I told him that I want to sleep alone tonight… but let’s see how tomorrow night goes… and that’s when we played chicken and he wasn’t a participant and I don’t think we finished until 4am… so it didn’t work out.. but I thought there was a possible attraction there… and I was like wow… when I had this door closed to my sexuality… it seemed like I was so easy to keep my boundaries and state clearly where I’m at. And now that I’ve cracked the door open… I wonder if I”m literally sending out vibes like I’m single and ready to mingle or something… because I feel like I’m not really doing that but something is going on… and since I’m ready to face this challenge in my life I want to observe myself in these situations… but also these are fascinating people and i know I’ll enjoy my time with them. So why wouldn’t I want to meet up with them. But we’ll get to our encounter after I move to my girl friend I went to see after I left my salsa friend. She lives with three dogs… two boxer terriers and a little chihuahua…. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen them and oh how excited we all were to be together… hehe… the big boys don’t know how big they are and want to be lap dogs… hehe… but I love them so much and they’re like the cherry on top when I go to visit my girl friend. Now… once again I haven’t gotten her consent to talk about all the things we were discussing but when we talk to one another… it’s absolutely phenomenal of what we can release and process together. Since we are still in the sexual sides of things I’ll probably continue this string of thought… but we were able to engage in far more and specifically a particular gentleman and intentional communities… but those will be in the next chapter to today’s entry… lol… I knew I needed to express myself in this Journal today…. I just didn’t know how long it was going to take…hehe… it’s good for me though… and honestly most of this had been worked out after speaking with her… but they’re still lingering and so I wanted to purge it out… so what was I able to express to her that I was only thinking about and hadn’t had the contemplation time to digest until I was with her? Back to the date night… so it seemed like I wasn’t as scared or awkward in this encounter… but definitely expressing where my boundaries are at this time before we start is definitely the most appropriate time instead of in the middle of the engagement… but I found out that I was able to do this but to be respectful and intentional with my partner… being able to make informed decisions without unknown expectations would be appreciated for everyone. I’d like to know where the boundaries are for my partner too if any. I also found out that it was a bit too fast and too casual for me. I admitted that I felt like it was still a performance in a way… while I was kissing him I was thinking a lot of what I should do next? Where should I touch him? How far will this go and how far do I want compared to how far he wants? So to please I wanted to do the things that I think are pleasurable for him… how I can describe it is as if I am performing sexually… I really don’t know if I can remember not performing during sexual activities. When I’ve been engaged in meditative intentional sex without expectations and truly engaged in unknown possibilities and with no time restriction or no destination. I know I’ve spoken many times about not having an easy time having orgasms… and I know it was very mental block.. but I placed an expectation and destination on myself and partners too… I expected it was going to be hard for me to orgasm and my destination is to fucking have an orgasm… hehe… and when it came to my expectation and destination for my partner… I expect that I’m going to do my best to please my partner and the destination is for them to have an orgasm. How many destinations have I placed on myself when it comes to having sex? Sexual intercourse, mutual orgasm, intuitive pleaser and expressive communicator. I can see this could be accomplished but if I remove this destination idea maybe some of these things might start to naturally occur? How do I not be a performer? I was talking to my girl friend about this… I think the first thing that I notice to not be a performer that was obvious when I was playing the game or on my date… is the depth of getting to know the people involved. I hadn’t known them long I don’t know much about their history or their purpose or dreams for the future… and it wasn’t like a natural sexual attraction I’d say. I wasn’t really looking at my haunted house buddy as a sexual partner until we started to take things to a sexual play date… and I wasn’t going to engage in sexual play date with any of the participants of the game before they asked if I wanted to join in on the adventure. So I would say that yeah it wasn’t a natural sexual attraction. And specifically even though I find the haunted house buddy to be physically attractive… I found myself not really responding naturally while we were making out because… I don’t know him… i wanted to perform and make sure it was a fun time for him… but honestly it’s not how I want to continue my sexual exploration. I told my salsa buddy the next morning as well that i”m not interested in having a three way engagement with me and another girl… it would be so much pressure and expectation… if the three of us are alone in a space and we are to start something… I feel like what I’d like to do with the girl wouldn’t be all the satisfying for all the parties and I’d feel like I’d have to go to places I didn’t want to go. I also told him that I’m not ready to reignite a sexual relationship with him either. Talking with my girl friend… I did realize and admit to her and specifically to myself that there is a partner that I’m attracted to. I started to express how I self sabotage in the past when I liked someone starting all the way back in high school… I had tendencies to like someone but I’d try to get my girl friend to date them instead… because they’re both amazing and I want them to be happy… I just didn’t think I’d deserve that happiness. Now this varies in degrees and I’ve been happy with partners and was attracted to my partners… but I do remember occasions where I would do this. I remember when I started to want to have sex I was dating a guy whom I really liked who already had sex before and I was a virgin… I broke up with him because I didn’t think it was fair for him to be dating someone who wasn’t experienced… I had a one night stand with a friend for my first time… and I dated someone my senior year where we were rabbits… it wasn’t until my freshman year in college did I reach back out to the guy I broke up with because I felt like I could give him a good time now that I have some sexual experience. I mean we stayed together for 13 years… but even then I didn’t have a clue what I was doing… and in a way I still don’t… it feels like I’m starting over as a virgin… but in a way… my muscle memory in my body is still there… it knows what its doing… but I’ve noticed how I was trying to self sabotage myself in just these past few weeks. I noticed it but I hadn’t really admitted to myself that I wanted to pursue a potential romantic relationship with him though either to myself. I guess it wasn’t really apparent until I saw him and was observing how he was engaging with people and when he expressed himself so openly and clearly. I mean… this is where I saw my conditioning of toxicity from my past become aware to me. So… I’ve been observing him and he’s been attracting my attention… he’s gotten many similar attributes that I share but of course the difference intrigue me. He’s extremely creative… I’ve enjoyed looking at his photography and his paintings and his digital art… he possibly produced, shot, and scored an indie film… I haven’t asked the details but I wouldn’t be surprised. What I’ve seen him be able to build within the last six years has been awesome… what can be obvious on social media is how many structures that have been built but also able to see how the structure of his staff’s interactions and daily implementations shows just how much he cares for his community. And just his commitment to building communities of course rings all the right bells because I find myself loving this passion as well. He’s openly polyamorous which also makes me attracted to him at this time too. I don’t think I’m going to be labeling myself at this time… but having experience in polyamory and monogamy and celibacy… I find them all to be valuable… for me at different times in my life. It looks as if he has had a steady partner that is his foundation. I don’t much about her or their relationship but I don’t know much about him either… just what I can gather and interpret. But I’m definitely interested in getting to know him more. When I originally saw these qualities in him… I was yes… he’s someone I want to get to know more and partner up with… I want to ask him more about his spirituality and how open he is for spiritual practices because I want to invite him to join the team of Aya ceremonies to Enlightenment expeditions, to linking communities, and possibly the nonprofit… I mean absolute checks all the boxes… and so confident I go into his environment and have all the intention to find time to speak with him about these things… lol… but when I get there I see just how much attention he’s trying to share with everyone. Everyone is attracted to him and wants his guidance. He’s good at what he does… I figured I’d get time to spend with him after the event and so I didn’t really engage with him much directly. But again I’m always in observation mode and he’s hard not to notice. I found myself a bit shy I would say… I know no one would think that this would describe me… but for me.. I know when I tend to get shy because it stands out to me as well… I seemed to be shy around him. But before I left I was trying to figure out when to return… I knew I wanted to come back and I thought as soon as possible so his next event was an art event. So I asked more about the art event… I was thinking multiple art mediums… music, dance, painting, sewing, sculpture… to call it an art event… but I found it was a single mural painter who was teaching… for the price she wanted I didn’t think I’d like to participate… but the intentional convention was already in my radar so I can wait a few weeks and go back then. So what has seemed to change from then to now? Well… first of all when I was watching him through social media I was watching him with my door closed phase. I saw him as someone I have to talk with because he’d be perfect for future partnerships… and so I was confident to go and chat… then it moved to holy cow… my door is not closed anymore… it’s been creaked open to get me ready to address changes I”m going to be working on… hehe… it’s already been kicked open to see how I responded… but now I find my door is half way at this moment. I want to not kick the door open but intentionally push the door open slowly most likely but feeling my way on the pace not predicting it. This is what I was able to admit to myself when I speaking with my girl friend. My confidence was strong when I thought of him with my door closed… and now that the door is opening my confidence started to waiver… I mean once I started to actually experience that I am available for romantic/sexual intimacy into my life it’s like i don’t know what to do right now…. lol… I know I’ll figure it out quickly I’ve already done a ton in just one weekend to gain clarity… but I didn’t realize how I was questioning my confidence… I was assuming that I was going to be my past self with my past memories… and since I’ve gone this long shouldn’t I be scared? Shouldn’t I be awkward? But after this weekend… this is not the case… I saw tendencies of thinking of different dear girl friends of mine who would find him amazing and thinking of possibly getting them down there to meet him to see if they could have a spark together… at the time I also wasn’t sure how long I was going to be staying in Indiana too… I spoke with my girl friend earlier before I arrived to Indiana about how I want to have a romantic relationship…and she was asking if I’m ready to change my traveling decisions? I told her at the time that I’d need to attract someone who understands passion and purpose. I’m not just traveling to be traveling… there’s strategy even though it’s not a specific planned out strategy… but there’s a bigger purpose to my travels. And I’ll find someone who would understand this and would not want to keep me put for selfish reasons… I don’t see how I could attract anyone who would want that for me… I love myself too much to want to settle for less than I deserve… and I deserve to follow my spiritual path… but as I was talking to her I did start clicking into place that… well.. I have a ticket in to Indiana but I don’t have a ticket out… everyone wants and expects me to tell them my exact plan how long I’m staying where I’m going… details and details… I try to explain this is not the way I’ve been taught through my spiritual understanding. I listen for intuitive conversations and nudges to direct my choices. I do have a vision but the details aren’t given and I love spontaneity so I honestly don’t want all of that information most of the time. We discussed how my brother in Hawaii wants to buy my ticket back to help him build willpower for his obesity but it’s something I don’t want to do at this time because he’s not ready to make the changes and steps yet… in a physical manner… I can see the steps playing out in his mental body… but his physical body is not ready and he thinks I can go there and be a militant guru for him but that doesn’t sound like anything I’d like to do really. And he still lives with my mom and there’s not an ounce of me that wants to live with her again. I’ll go and visit and enjoy myself but I don’t want to obligated to live with her because I’m short on financial resources at this time. Hawaii is definitely in my future but it’s not only to share time with family… but I’ve got my own explorations to discover there… I want to go to the outer islands and volunteer and see whom I find and what communities I’ll find… I’d like to go on my own terms… and as much as I don’t want to spend another winter in my dad’s house… I don’t want to go to Hawaii right now. With the ideas I’ve been thinking… I. Can make some money here in Indiana for a year and when I return to Hawaii I can do just that… visit with family and spend time and share love… but then continue on my purpose and explorations… before I go to Japan…etc. until Nepal. But anyway… she said about not traveling… I told her I’m willing to spend time to see if a relationship can grow, but I’m not going to stay in one spot forever… at least not right now. I agree that time spent together to get to know one another and building a relationship and a bond needs time… I can give a year to this but I’ve got a calling. And I don’t want to just stay for a romantic relationship either. There are too many opportunities for me to develop skills that I want to build to better prepare me for my future endeavors that would be easily found here too. The first thing is to find time…some one on one time with him and see where he’s at and if there can be an agreement. Regardless if it’s not a romantic relationship… I’m completely down for a professional relationship and we’ll both get value from that as well. I found myself at the temple in Utah and I didn’t know where I was going to fit in but it became apparent to me that I was there to help the leader of the temple… to give her confidence in someone she can trust to help run the temple to give her rest. I feel like she saw the value of rest and how much it’s just as important as progression and actions. I found ways to help which wasn’t part of her agenda she usually has for volunteers… she’s so close to the situation that having a outsider who is intelligent and aware and creative come in and see the gaps that aren’t noticed but extremely effective was appreciated by the time I left. I will continue to observe them… but I know I’ll be returning as well to check the status and help when I’m there in the areas needed. I didn’t give her my 100%… i was using the space as an ashram so I gave 50 to her and 50 to myself. She wanted me to be different to who I am… I became an exception for her… I didn’t come to her in the normal terms she’s used to… I came out of no where… she didn’t allow pets but she made an exception… she didn’t allow smoking, but we made agreements… I showed her my potential before we spoke about me moving in…and because what she saw… she was willing to take the chance to make me an exceptions… and she doesn’t regret a thing and got so much more than she expected. Next time… I’d love to give her my 100… I’m taking the steps to better understand to sustain my energies the more I know myself the better I can help the ones I’m engaged with when I see the tendencies I found myself doing. I’m going to go much deeper into the intentional communities to prepare myself for the weekend… but man… I’ve been on here a long time and I’ve been able to express quite a bit and I feel satisfied leaving it here for now. I hope to continue tomorrow… I’ll be helping my dad pick up supplies for his cellar/shelter… I’ll be making cream puffs with my girl friend on Wednesday… I’m thinking that I might ask if there’s a Halloween party maybe going on at the hostel for Thursday… maybe I’ll go a day early? We’ll see… I don’t have any outfit or anything but maybe that’s not really necessary. Ok.. until next time… thank you

So as I was typing last night in this Journal the entry went ahead and submitted itself but I wasn’t quite done but it was getting late so I just went with it without editing… but I’m going to go ahead and continue my line of thoughts at this time. Let’s see… let’s go ahead and address National Geographic proposal for a little bit. I’m glad that I took the time and energy to apply and to try to break down the equipment list… it has gotten me to think about areas that I hadn’t before and open my mind to opportunities that are out there that I had not thought to approach. I admit that my proposal wasn’t as thought out or as clear as a submission would have been preferred.. but that’s the thing I continued to gain clarity as I continued the exploration of what would be involved in this style of endeavor. I really cannot remember how much I have spoken about the proposal but again I’ve been going back and forth as to what to share and what not to share and I”m still thinking about it so I’ll go ahead and share again if I kept it back these past six months. It was a storytelling grant… they have few different categories and as much as I’d like to have applied to the research proposal… my style of research isn’t something that has been really refined. I am trying to propose an Enlightenment research that isn’t clinical. As I’m writing this I feel like I might have mentioned this but we’ll repeat if we have to. But I had been looking into what kind of research has been done in this area, and there isn’t much to find. There was one paper which kind of narrowed down my thoughts about enlightenment research… that there really isn’t any existing research on to why ones pursue Enlightenment… primarily only focused on a small group of Buddhist monks as to where they would collect their data. In doing so they found it challenging because most of their information was based off of reports of personal stories about their experiences to enlightening and some to Enlightenment… and then the peers with their own experiences would determine whether the personal stories were valid proof or not to actually having these degrees or not. Which I can see how the scientific mind doesn’t know exactly how to quantify the results. This paper was saying they would like to continue to find a system to research this subject but understands that the personal stories will have to be an integral part of it. So… this is what I’d like to explore. It’s part experiment and part research but mostly opening up a way to view Enlightenment in a manner that isn’t idealized. I definitely had an idealistic view of what Enlightenment was and now I see it far more mysterious than before.. however, it’s far more normalized as well now… lol. I’m getting more comfortable and more grounded and getting the hang of it. There is far more that I don’t understand than what I am understanding while life is playing out but I’m also gaining much more clarity and understanding after contemplating groupings of time. All I know is that the current state of consciousness is only capable of understanding certain degrees of understanding… but when we’re on the consistent path of deepening the understanding than our capacity is stretched and open to continue the path with increased awareness so it doesn’t take as long to make adjustments. So there is so much that my current state of consciousness that is curious to explore. I have an understanding that what I think is possible may not be the same as what reality will unfold… however, I just want to continue on the path and continue to increase my awareness and see how this all progresses. So again here comes some more crazy but again I don’t really give any fucks to what people judge about this… possibly we’re not making bold moves because we care too much of what others think and so I’m looking to just be as trusting that regardless I’m going to be gaining from my experiences and will be able to admit when I was in states of delusion but just because there is a capacity to be delusional won’t stop me from exploring what my mind has to go through and process. So I have a deep calling and draw to travel and it seems like there are certain areas I’ll be going. Along the way I’ve been getting the visions of people I’ll be meeting. Obviously I’ll be meeting people but these are specific people and for some reason I feel like these ones are ones who have been able to transition over to Enlightenment. When I saw them it wasn’t apparent at first but eventually it seemed like they were acknowledging that they have recognized me as well. So I’m curious if this is accurate or a delusion, but again how would i know unless I continue the path and see where it leads. I know I had written the details of what I had seen in these visions… there were I cannot remember the exact numbers but around 10 beings that I had seen… we would label them as women and men of all ages… I think the youngest would be around the age of five and the oldest could have been in there late sixties to seventies… the color of their skin varied and the situations that I saw them were diverse as well. Because of this… I feel like I’ll be attracting them as they will be attracting me too. I don’t know if I’ll start to recognize the meetings before they happen… I have a feeling it won’t be until I see them in the setting of my visions to have it click like… holy shit.. this is the deja vu moment that I saw before it happened. And who knows maybe none of them will be experienced but again I know that not doing anything isn’t going to stop this force pulling me to explore. And it quite possibly be that my state of consciousness just wants to explore and the desire to find these people are just what I need to get out and enjoy the greater part of this world we can have an opportunity to explore. And I already know getting myself out of my comfort zone exploring is going to do a wealth of growth opportunities so there’s nothing that will be lost by going forward any way. But I am thinking about integration before I return to ceremonies. I know that I have been finding my Icaros when I’m in ceremony. And normally I seem to make progress inside ceremonies with it, but I also have an inkling that if I continue to build confidence in musicality would only amplify my growth into developing my Icaros inside of ceremony. I’ve known that I’ve been wanting to develop this but it seemed like it just wasn’t falling into place as easily as I’d like.. but I feel more confident to just jump into situations and put my voice out there. I can do better, and I know I will continue to get better at this… but this is what I’d like to include in my travels. First adding more singing onto the to do lists as I travel. And with good reason I want to pick up more instruments and start to accompany musicians. I’d love to find places where I can build instruments as well… so of course I assume this would be more indigenous instruments that are being handmade.. but I’m definitely open for any opportunity. There are so many instruments that I don’t even know exist and I’m excited to see what I can find. And certainly this isn’t on a timeline so even if more of this starts to get included will be satisfying… but again this gives a little more direction when going into a new country or area to look for these types of opportunities. I love different types of artwork as well… even when it comes to fashion, crafts, construction, cooking, dancing… there is a plethora of creative activities to draw my attention again to help steer direction of focus and attention. And Natural settings and wildlife would be another draw as well… I’m not certain there isn’t a terrain I wouldn’t be down to explore… or opportunities to volunteer caring for animals… especially for temporary periods of time. And opening myself up to far more social opportunities that I haven’t been doing so much these past few years… but traveling in unknown places… opening up to locals will bring me to people and places that would be a bit more challenging to find by myself. I just have to remember how much privacy or solo time is required for my wellbeing too. So there is a specific destination that came out in a dream of mine that I cannot forget. Nepal… When I get to Nepal I’d like to be open to spend as much time as I can with my visa. I’ve looked into the reciprocal visitors visa which can allow up to six months each year for the next five years which might be the option I’ll opt for. This again is not definite that this is the exact location to be honest… in my dream it was what I said but then I did ask if that’s correct and there was not a definite answer. But I have a feeling it’s around this area so possibly Tibet, Bhutan, India… around the Himalayas I think now… but again I’d like to go and explore and see. So I started to get visions of land and when I first got this style of vision… it showed me pieces of the land that I had my dieta for three months. I had been there and walked around and paid enough attention that when I got a vision in my ceremony that it wasn’t just a bunch of trees that looked just like one another… it stood out to me and knew exactly where that tree cluster was… the exact area it was on the property… so again because I got a taste of that and the name Nepal… I’d like to include this in my integration process before I return to the jungle… I’d like to explore the area just in case if I continue to get messages about this land that I’ll have data to have ceremony communicate to me specifically. Ha, normally I’d just be returning to Aya ceremonies before Awakening… but since this happened messages changed the way it communicated and because it knows how much I take integration seriously… is that there is no desire for me to return without this data. Yes I’ll get more information and wisdom, but I feel like I’d cut myself short of the potential of what I’d receive by being better prepared and patient. And I didn’t address why I’m trying to build skills as a shaman for ceremony. Many might not understand that each shaman or person has their own skills and focus. I’ve worked with a few shamans and they all were different but I now have a better understanding that my focus is Awakening and how to build after the Awakening. Some may focus on say healing and I guess it can be perceived this way but I haven’t had to do much healing for my own body so I don’t see how I can help any who has these desires. But I can say… my shaman I was working with helped me get to the point of Awakening during ceremony. Now it wasn’t successful because I misinterpreted and didn’t understand what was happening… but it was still very apparent he was able to get me there. And I have a feeling that if he can do this… and I was able to figure out how to get myself there in around four ceremonies later… I might just have a skill to be able to do this with others who are wanting to consciously create their experience to this too. So again by witnessing how I work inside ceremony these are areas I can work on outside of ceremony as well. And I’ve already have a list of guests that I’d like to invite to ceremonies when I return to the jungle. I feel like I haven’t even began with this list either… as I continue on this path… more will be added. And I also understand that even though I have this long list only a fraction will actually make it there and be present to share ceremony which will be a significant step to feel more of where people are at. So getting them to ceremony will only be a step… observing their energies during ceremonies will be another step. I at this time feel like I’m going to be creating these spiritual walkabouts or vision quests to focus on Enlightenment. I have a feeling this won’t be taking place only in the jungle but taking Aya to the mountains as well. Again all of this is through exploring the messages I’ve received and it could definitely change as it goes along but again it doesn’t matter what Reality might show… I have to go with what I’m drawn to at this time to get me going into the direction to increase my awareness. Because I have a feeling there is going to be spiritual expeditions this also leads me to explore land, animals, and skills that I feel would help assist in future expeditions. Just as an example I have been having visions of horses and I’m still not certain what it really means but I seem to be running into a line of thinking that I’d like to take animals such as horses with us in the expeditions. During the expeditions I can see us staying out there for months at a time and so there will be base camp setups as we travel and we can stay at locations for possibly weeks before receiving messages to go to the next location. And so I had some time with llama packers and I loved the fact that they are pretty self sufficient. We wouldn’t have to carry extra food for them… they are capable of finding their own food in the mountains. And when I hear about the horses around the States… all I hear is how expensive it is to feed these horses… do I really want to have to pack so much food for them? I will if that’s what needs to be done, but I have a feeling there are horses that are just as self sufficient as the llamas. That’s why I’m wanting to go to Mongolia. In my mind and to some research and talking to people who have already visited… there’s still a bit of nomadic blood there and they travel with generations of family members, sheep, yaks, and horses… along with their belongings. Logically I feel this would be a great location to go and visit and see how this works for them. I have a feeling these horses don’t need to have loads and loads of food that needs to be taken from one location to the next… they find their food and that food can sustain them. Also when it comes to llamas to horses… horses have the capabilities to hold humans while llamas would only be for supplies. I love animals and I’d love to learn more about them and at this time including them as part of the expeditions would be ideal. And yes I’ve been seeing different healers using horses to assist in the healing and so of course this draws my attention as well. I ran into a woman and her husband who heard about shamans in Mongolia used horses to heal a young boy of autism in around five to six weeks… it was quite remarkable but believable… but I’d like to see what the capacities for myself. When it comes to them being able to break down their homes and transport it to the next location I’d like to see their construction as well. So needless to say… there was a lot of moving parts to my proposal…. Because I know that what I’m seeing will come into fruition in the future starts now. It’s not a check list one by one… I’m working on all of it at the same time. And so I know i”ve already been starting to discuss these global communities bridges opening up borders with a possible nonprofit organization… this also is something that is in the back of my mind… and the more locations I can go… the sooner I can start to build relationships and add to the list of potential communities that can open doors for people to come and share their skills and themselves to benefit communities. When it came to this specific proposal, they said I wouldn’t be able to submit the same proposal again. And so this puts a better perspective of how far I’ll have to progress on this path before I can reapply. And I also have a better idea of what I’d like to get better at and gain more experience in before I submit again. I keep saying that the real proposal that I’d like to have assistance from National Geographic is during the spiritual expeditions. This was not part of the proposal that I submitted so this would be a key spot to get myself better prepared and gain more experience to demonstrate competence before that time arises. I also hope to already get support from different avenues to where there partnership would be an added bonus but it wouldn’t make or break anything… just like now… hehe… but in a different degree. Alright.. I’ve been able to give a bit more clarity without going overboard I feel… and currently I’ve been in Indiana for a week now… I’ve gotten a hold of a gentleman whom I’ve been watching for the past five years… I’ve been impressed as to how he’s been building his community and his interests he shares with us through FB. He’s going to be at his community this weekend leading meditative caving trips which I’m going to go check out. I feel like I mentioned that I had a snippet of a vision in ceremony where having ceremony inside a cave will be extremely powerful. I’ve also had friends who enjoy spelunking and how there is an experience of sensory deprivation which intrigues me. Activities like this would be included in the spiritual expeditions and yes most likely adding elements of Aya ceremonies to see how this effects our group… hopefully in a powerful and beneficial manner but finding ones who are willing to give it a go instead of allowing the mind to talk us out of it. But I don’t know how long I’ll be in Indiana… my brother in Hawaii and I have already been talking. He is currently in the hospital because of shooting pains in his heart and last year he admitted himself for the first time but not a whole lot of change has happened other then they have moved to a single floor location. His habits haven’t changed for him to help his obesity. He said he’s over 600 pounds right now and he didn’t imagine that he’d let it go this far, but now that he has… he sees how much he manipulates mom and sis to get what his “fat guy” inside wants. He’s asking if I come to visit and want to help that I can’t allow him to guilt me… I told him that if he’s not really ready to change; it doesn’t matter what I do to help… it won’t be sustainable… he said he wants to try. There’s a lot of baggage that comes with me returning to Hawaii and we have been talking about it for the past two days. I agreed that I’ll be coming but I’m not certain when it will be or how long I’ll be staying with them. But again I feel like I’ve been getting better a purifying my energy and residual holdups… and I feel there is a lot to work on with my mom and so i’m wanting to go and address this… not really knowing how these understandings will reveal itself. But for now… there are people here in Indiana that I’d like to go visit and see where they’re at and see how open they are to meeting back again in Peru for ceremony. It might not even get that far in conversation based upon what is being observed… but there are a few I’ve been watching and thinking about so I’d like to spend time with them while I’m here. Oh goodness… my buddy Elvis is always in the back of my mind as well. When I thought I’d have a timeline with National Geographic… I was willing to keep him behind with say my dad while I traveled… but now that I have freedom to spend as much time as I’d like then that gets me to look at my buddy again. Could I just take him with me? If we’ll be staying at locations saying an average of three months at a time… I don’t want to leave him behind for years… months felt doable, but years… I’m not certain I’m willing to do that to him or myself. He’s been here a week and I feel like he’s been trying to find a way to get outside… he really loved his freedom in Colorado… we’ve got neighborhood cats that run this block and I saw how they treated him last time… and so I’m hesitant to give it a go again… but we’ll see how it plays out. Cats aren’t allowed at my buddies retreat center for the caving… so Elvis and my pops will be alone together for a few days… and I’d like to hear how that goes. We were gone for three nights for the wedding and he was crying for awhile when I returned because he was so lonely… it does break my heart to have him feel like I abandoned him or something. I know this is another attachment that I’m working with… but he’s still a fur baby of mine and so I’m not sure what the best way to proceed will be. I’m staying open… or trying to at least.. hehe.. ok… this seems like a good amount of processing for tonight…. Until next time…

Alright… so wow… there’s been some clarity in this past week or so that has been deepening my Bhakti yoga understanding… in the manner of my personal interpretation I had listened to some of the scripture in the Gita at the Krishna temple that I heard and had an understanding but now I see myself going through this process personally… there were moments where it was implying that service might require to remove the attachments from family, friends, teachers, any who are not on the current trajectory at this time. I see where I’m removing cords of attachment and feeling more free and weightless as I continue this purification process. Again there are many things that I’ve been working on but there seems to be loose ends that still remain and I gain more awareness that these do not need to be there any more. And even though I see these degrees as of now doesn’t mean that there will be more to be aware of but Reality has patience to allow the time and space for realizations. I’ve already been noticing that I feel like I”m saying my goodbyes to a certain degree to people and communities. I’m not saying that this will be finales forever but I’m also not saying that this isn’t the finale either… but in a state of trusting whatever comes is the way and not having extreme emotional attachments to it. It’s been challenging for me to determine what I should say aloud in this Journal and what I should keep to myself and write in my personal journal… and I know that I’ll continue to discern but I feel like I’m going to spill out a bit right now because its really helpful to be able to express my craziness without shame… I really don’t care right now what anyone thinks or feels about my interpretations… all I know is how helpful it is for me to go through the process of purging… and I feel this is a great way for me to do this. So…. What’s happened in the last week that seems to strengthen my trust in Union to the Divine? Well the first would be me reaching out to that certain Ozzie mate… I took the brave step to open up my craziness to him and said how I wished we could see one another in person. The craziness goes even deeper because I said I could imagine asking him to join me at my cousin’s wedding to get a chance to have new beginnings with the electrified energy of new love… I didn’t really invite him but I told him how I would fantasize of the different ways we’d be able to meet again. There was a lot that I expressed and this isn’t the first time but within seven years of knowing each other… I think this might have been the third or fourth time clearly stating my desire to have the chance to get to know him deeper. Honestly he’s been wonderful at expressing himself truthfully at his state and he was able to do so this time again… and currently he has no desire to build a romantic relationship with me at this time. He still thinks my confessions of Awakening is something that is insane and still whole heartedly recommends I go to a therapist to talk about it. Haha… I understand his concern… most would assume my possible insanity as well… but I don’t have that doubt within me… not that I hadn’t in the past… but not to degrees that I thought I should see a therapist… just to degrees to wonder how in the hell I didn’t realize what I’ve been realizing as I deepen my spirituality and how so many of us are not digging as deep to find this truth out for ourselves. I”m getting over that too… There’s good reason why most aren’t this way… there’s a “physical” reality that has to be embedded in our psyche to have existence and experiences… which for some reason ultimately the perfection of reality to have us be for now. Anyway I told him that if we’re still not on the same page then I’ll have to do what I need to do that will be necessary for my growth and move on. So after his reply I told him I understand and thanked him. And I unfollowed him so I don’t continue to monitor his posts and stories. After I returned from the weekend wedding… I noticed he stopped following me as well… so we’ve finally cut this style of cord… and again it doesn’t make me sad… I feel more liberated. Just like I mentioned before it’s not that I’m saying goodbye to him forever, but I’m also not saying that this might be the finale… it doesn’t matter right now… I just want to move forward with my journey without this attachment and I keep wanting to include him and more in and its been obvious for awhile that many are not on the same page. It’s kind of funny, because I had a vision that he wasn’t even going to be a part of my journey until I reached Nepal area… not that he was going to be on the way towards Nepal… but that was the funny part that I was ok with this… I thought.. but then I started to hope that it was sooner and so I started to try to make that happen.. .haha… and what I really needed to find out that I’m ready to stop making moves thinking he is right around the corner. Again… he may or may not, but honestly right now I’m ok with whatever happens. This doesn’t mean that I stopped having feelings for him, I can just feel like the attachment of having him now and a part of my journey is not necessary. And regardless of what happens… I want to enjoy it to the fullest and look forward to how things play out without having to expend energy of what would be appropriate to his liking. I also mentioned to him that if our crosses path in the future… my attention won’t be so easily given. And that’s exactly how I feel right now. I don’t want to continue to have a seed of desperation to have particular people in my life. This leads me to two of my siblings…. My brother and sister have been also on the same boat of trying to win over my acceptance to be who I am and to love me for that for itself sake. We all attended this weekend wedding for our cousin and as much as I would have liked to spend time with them… it was obvious that my presence with them was not desired so I kept my distance and did this to make sure that everyone continued to enjoy themselves. It’s a bit comical to observe how our family behaves… haha… from different generations and degrees there is separation going on. My aunt and uncle were talking about some trivial family drama and asked my opinion and I said that I just am not that bored to fuel drama. I’m not here all the time and I just want to enjoy the time I spend with the people I”m around. I don’t really wish to talk about people who aren’t around to engage in the conversation. And I don’t know details of the story so my opinion won’t be accurate anyway. As much as I love my family… I can see again that most are not on the same page. But many aren’t as influential as the acceptance of my sister and especially my brother. But then again… it was more apparent in my awareness that I”m tired and have no desire to have a hint of desperation for affection or acceptance or attention for who doesn’t want to offer it to me freely. And I find there are many that are… and I’d like to reciprocate that energy. Oh! I did hear back from National Geographic… I received an email to say unfortunately they did not want to back up the proposal that I submitted. And as much as it would be great to work with them… I also know that there was a part of me that wanted it to just get a step toward respect from my family. And why am I still wanting that from them? Well… I did want this but right now in my state… I’m just over it… hehe… it can be quite exhausting and how much energy do I have to give to these walls…

Oh my goodness… who am I kidding… hehe… I’m absolutely smitten with the Australian… I guess I still had residual curiosities about being open to be sexual intimate with others, but it’s even more obvious that it really doesn’t interest me anymore. I’ve been more aware that the memories of who I was… isn't who I am now. Regardless of how time works with my romantic relationship… I’m going to trust it’s exactly what is necessary to be in complete bliss in our union. It’s going to be worth the wait, and I’m patient now… I continue to accept and understand myself more to who I am now. I started to work on my visions after I stopped working construction. I found myself drawn to drawing out visions now. I was drawing with a pad and pencil going through equipment I’d like to have to continue what I’d like to share and express in this journey that is drawing me. But as I was doing this I started to ask if there is a program on my iPad that I could draw using my finger instead of a stylus… hehe I’m not sure why I didn’t look at this before, but yes indeed there are and I’ve gotten swept away drawing on the pad now. It came about because in this documentary I’d like to create I was looking at even the clothes I’d like to wear that represents how I integrate and gain more insights… one way is drawing… I had works of art that I thought I’d just place on Tshirts to wear… as I was placing them onto the program… I started to realize I can continue to extend the visions further or with more clarity. The first design my buddy wanted a shirt as well… so yesterday we spoke to a local who can print it for us. We ordered some shirts… it will be arriving the day I fly out to Indiana, but he’ll get it printed and mail out my shirt to me. I’m working on a second design now and possibly if I get this done before he heads out to Mexico… I’ll go ahead and get this printed out too from the same guy here. I shared a Bufo ceremony with my buddy and it was quite beautiful… he realized just how strong our friendship is… I’m a true friend and it’s was very satisfying him release his emotions and tensions during ceremony. It was again showing me how my normal state seems to be the case even when I’m in the Bufo state. I’ve shared several ceremonies with him so I decided to go first instead of last to see if I can demonstrate how to smoke it better than just describing. I saw that it was easy for me to still assist in him lighting his dose for him and again it was very beautiful. I love him so much and so excited for him as he realizes that he’s wanting to make changes and explore who he is now. We talked about how I wish I could tell him what he needs to do, but that’s his responsibility… and he’s finally realizing he’s more confident into figuring it out for himself. He’s already a confident man… he’s had three successful businesses since he was in his late twenties… and he knows he can figure it out but admits he’s not been as motivated to make changes and that’s just fine… keep at his own pace. He’s also on the verge of selling his home here in this little mountain town… this winter will determine whether he’ll keep his condo on the shores of Mexico… he feels like many opportunities are beckoning him… and he’s aware that his anxiety levels are minimum. I know we’ll be working together in future projects. Maybe he’ll be a part of our “Houston” control center for the awakening spiritual expeditions… maybe who knows for now. The first thing is to get him ready to join us in Aya ceremonies… since he’s back to drinking, he’s back on his blood pressure medicine which doesn’t mix with ceremony. So he went two years without the medication went he stopped drinking… he can figure out how to do it again… if he truly wants to. But if not, I still love him and figure we’ll still find ways to share time together. last weekend we were celebrating Constitution week in our little village. A girl friend of mine asked to help her take pictures of the parade. She gave me her backup camera, a Cannon 60d… and I’m not use to using this type of equipment. I tried practicing at my buddies 71st birthday party as he was singing in a bar, but wow did I suck at adjusting the settings… and the automatic wasn’t that good either hehe… but the parade was in sunny light and I just told her automatic is where I’ll go and hope for the best. Having that camera around my neck did something to me… I started looking at the surrounding area much differently… framing shots to be more creative and harmonious composition wise. It felt like I could be a bit more confident in stepping into locations to “get the shot” that I don’t usually do recording with my iPad… it felt like people posed more for the shot too… not that I really liked posed shots… but with this camera many more we’re open to getting their picture taken. I loved it and it’s funny because I didn’t have it on my equipment list for my upcoming project… but it does have me questioning whether I should add one or not. I’m not good at it now, but I know I will get better with practice. We’ll see how it goes… it’s beautiful right now with the leaves changing colors…. The air has a brisk chill in the morning, but the sun still comes through with its warmth in the morning. My little Elvis is in heaven, but he’s not aware that we’ll be moving along to our next destination. He’s unlikely to be able to go outside since there are neighborhood cats that have already marked my dads house as their territory. But it’s been extremely obvious how much happiness he’s living right now as he has his freedom to roam. He’s such a good cat… comes back when it gets dark… asking to get back out in the mornings when the sun starts to lighten up our little space. I hope to find him a space he’ll continue to enjoy his freedom… we’ll see how it goes. There’s an ideal spot for him, but I’m uncertain it’s timing is now or not… so I’m keeping alternative options open of course. Four days left up here in the mountains… and then back to farmlands of Indiana. The first weekend will be my cousins wedding in the state park… and thinking about going to a meditative cave exploration the second weekend but it’s not set in stone… looking forward to spending time with family again. It’s rocky, but I’m still looking forward to it… going in hopeful. i’ll attach the front photos of my shirt designs I’m working on 😊