BojackHorseman

First, sorry in advance if this kind of topic doesn't belong here (in which case, just move it wherever), but since in another related thread a few years ago, Leo said "no more trans discussion in here, create a thread in politics", there I go) So yes, on this other topic, Leo said that he wasn't very fond of the "trans phenomenon". I've been asking myself the same things lately, as thoughts of "not being the gender I was born with" pop more and more into my mind. Is this a fad? Is this not a good thing for a human to want and change his gender? Are women what we generally see of them because of society, or is there some nature in this, and therefore would it be unfit for a man to try and become a woman, should he rather try to fix his psychology in another way? I am not young, not at all in fact (which doesn't mean I'm any more smarter than someone 20 year younger than me). So I'm not really being influenced by some sort of fad, community spirit, etc. Now I've been talking to anti trans persons, and smart and mature trans persons (on Discord, but still) regularly. For some reason the anti didn't seem as smarted and partial, but anyway. I can't figure out if changing your gender is a mistake or not. Obviously, the pros are simply that if you feel more at ease in the material world, in our current society, with looking and acting like what the opposite sex reflects, then it shouldn't be a bad thing. But what are the bad things about it, then? To be honest, I wish Leo would give his opinion on this because I'm very curious about it. But obviously, considering how reactive and pitchforky some communities can be, I would understand that, even with all the precautions taken to talk about it, it could be risky to have a public take around this. Which is sad because I think there are interesting extreme or more balanced positions to be had about this "phenomenon" (which some would argue isn't one, have always been existing sortof, but couldn't be made on display as easily for many reasons). I'm sure this community and its founder would have interesting ideas that we don't hear in both usual political extremes. Or even if they are the same, explained to make more sense as to why you'd go one direction rather than the other. And as always : sorry for my bad english, etc

This doesn't solve the whole problem to me, but you do make a solid point with your fish analogy here. Gonna sit later on and think about how many so-called masculine qualities I actually own instinctively on a daily basis compared to feminine ones.

> than apply that same philosophy into becoming a healthy male that you were born to be I don't think the "healthy" part absolutely needs to go with the "male" part. > Afterall you can't escape your masculine nature. We all have the masculine and the feminine inside. Might aswell own it. Embrace your feminine nature but not at the cost of suppressing and mutilating your masculine nature. Let them both shine. Then you'll be a complete human being. Sorry, I'm repeating myself form another post since I'm answering each of them as I read, but : yes, we do have masculine and feminine. Chosing to be a female or a male doesn't mean you want to let go of everything. There are hyper-feminine women, and some less, with more of masculine side (to simplify). All of it doesn't mean rejecting all of you. It just means, as an artists choses what to show in the frame, and how they chose it to the world, that you make choices in how you feel and display polarities.

You're only thinking in termes of function. But what if a woman doesn't want to have children? Is this also "not embracing the role nature has given them"? What about asexual people? Sorry, those are probably not great examples, maybe more of the first one, but I hope you get the idea

Ok, but we're talking here about how society fixes some rules and reacts to this phenomenon. Obviously, society will give extreme, sometimes too much, backlash to whatever community was persecuted in the past. I also think USA is as often more extreme on many things, glancing at it, I don't think there have been similar cases in Europe. But anyway, what I wanted to say first was that, the way society (and granted, some people in the trans community or around it) overreacts and put up abusive rules should not be an argument to say that the idea of transgenderism itself is dangerous. But yes, as I was saying in another post, children transitionning might work but to me, from where I stand right now, definitely seems like a bit of a dangerous idea. When discussing this subject, I'm talking "adults", in general.

> It's possible that you were just repressing the feminine energy inside. I certainly am when I need to be seen as a man, because it puts me into a safer position. Ie, crossing paths with someone that's threatening me in the street, for instance. But the rest of my life? Usually, I think I've actually had trouble hiding it. That's one of the reasons I came to this conclusion, looking at it retrospectively. There may have been various other reasons why I didn't "fit in", to put it simply, but there are also other pointers that, until that point where I tried to look more self assured in life (following content like RSD or whatnot, which I don't totally reject for what I needed at the time), I was the weak, weird guy, that was kind of forcing himself to get along with what most boys and later on men seem to feel very naturally as a pleasant attitude to have. > Own your masculine nature. Except, superficially or spiritually, I'm having trouble being on the masculine frequency. Not saying I'm 100% feeling feminine, but no one is 100% one or the other anyway. As for the qualities you're speaking about, yes, they could be added without appearing as a woman. But why not displaying, incarnating, what I feel like inside, if it gives me pleasure, and is not detrimental to anything else in my quality of life? (well, that's if society was an utopia, cause obviously, men who'd display that physically, except in certain hip parts of some countries, are probably not going to have the best of time if they don't chose their circle/the place they go to carefully)

@TalinnI don't have anything useful to say, but thanks for you point of view, very good to hear this side too, and as far I'm concerned, makes lots of sense. > For example, If some people want to wear colorful origami hats on their heads and insist we use the pronoun "fold/foldself" we should let them despite it being a slight inconvenience to us or society. And I'd add, why even are they an inconvenience if they do not slow down the way other people want to live? Because they're...non-conformists? (omg is this an Actualized.org video reference ?) > eat meat, eat vegan. These things are almost as much a part of identity as much as gender is. Small sideway from the main topic here, but : yes, for some it is. For myself and probably lots of others, it's just embracing a set of values (animals, blablabla) that I deeply believe in and have been since I was a child. And I was not implanted that by society, on the contrary. There weren't even anything in medias defending this, especially not in my country. Accepting veganism publicly is quite recent, from my point of view. Without making fights about who's right or demonizing, I'd argue that it's more of an identity thing from meat eaters than vegans, because it represents defending what they're been thaught is good and traditional. Whereas most vegans had to think, feel, and take a leap to change their diet for something that is still to this day viewed as many by potentially risky, just because they wanted to protect either the environment or animal lives. Nobody takes a vegan badge just because it's cool, in exchange for having to eat less tasty things (when cooked with average skills) and having less options in society (and also being more expensive in certain parts of the world, as I understand) > So to truly break out of group think and conformity, like LGBTQ people claim they are doing, would one not care about what clothes one wears and put on anything? I may not agree with some points in Leo's latest video on this, but breaking conformity is literally just... breaking conformity. Which is, what the vast, vast majority of people are doing. Therefore, being allowed to wear the clothes you want to, especially when there's no deep reason not to. Just because you like it. If you don't do this to fit the mold of a tribe, then it's just fashion. A passion like any other that brings pleasure. Materializing how you feel you want to appear, or just what YOU like seeing (fashion is also for us, or it would be the same as saying we're only doing art for the others, except we have to feel something exciting first too). Now, practically, there's a counterpoint to add. I don't know much about fashion, but as for my observations of myself and others, considering general aesthetics/graphic rules, not everything seems to fit everyone. Some dresses or skirts for instance, can fit men crossdressing, and some other just don't work, maybe because they're built for a different type of body, highlighting different parts, in the first place. Counter-counterpoint : I've lately stumbled upon non transitionned men that wear confidently female clothes I didn't think would work, with a feminine, self-assured attitude, and for those reason those matched. Which could be another indicator that a general "feminine" vibe is not to be excluded even if you're born a male.

> The upset person is still under the new identity and it starts to boil even more. Not if the upset person was upset because it was chained under a wrong identity by society's pressure? Therefore it wouldn't be adding another on top, rather freeing the first one. Revealing the actual one. That's how I see it, at least. But I can kind of see what you mean. It's just complicated to wrap my head around it in this way, I get it, but I don't feel it this way, for me it's more like I was telling about just before, which I think is a valid way of seeing it (the house metaphor is appealing, but we're not houses. The way humans are "built" and work is a totally different system and more complex) > The idea of trans is one thing arguing with itself that it isnt what it is. Ok but then what is it? A construction of what a male should be? This is all taught, right? I mean, not all. But lots. So what if you raise a boy as a girl? "What it is" is what it has been thaught. Then, it proves that you can decide what you want to be, as long as it can be achieved. At least for the "female" identity a our society views it. You could even be this as a male without changing your looks, I suppose? And if you change...then you are it? Do you have to agree with everything nature gave you? (obviously, I wouldn't say and go change anything, it also needs to not destroy your health, or if it does some damage to it, then the risk/reward for your psychological well-being compared to the physical changes must be way greater) And also when you say you erase your identity etc...let's not forget that unless one is very shallow, you identity's core value are not only to be a man of a woman, far from it. If you ask anyone, dumb or smart, what constitutes their core identity, they wouldn't say "I'm a man" or "I'm a woman". This is part of it, as it does i contain certains qualities and way of incarnating them, but also, they'd probably say "I'm conservative" "I think all living beings deserve the same respect" "I'm pro or anti this" etc Basically, gender is not your entire identity, and if for some it does take a high spot, it's not the norm, even in transgender circles, which, as cis women themselves put it, they'd rather other views about themselves than "You're a beautiful woman". > Its a very personal and complex issue that is being pushed by the government and politics as if its a game. It is. But I'm sure we here, do everything we can form our current level of spiritual evolution, to think as hard as possible outside those boxes (not saying dumb shit like we're better or whatnot. You get the idea). But most of society, yes. Very blindly caught in all this, one way or another. And I do agree on the children. That's a complex thing to think about, but also, clearly the only point I wouldn't agree about with the general extreme leftist opinions on this matter. I would instinctively even tend to say no, if I had children myself. But I'm not thinking deeper about this right now.

> It's bad in the sense that you can invent a fantasy of your identity. You can indeed invent a fantasy of your identitity. But at some point you have to chose according to what you feel (obviously, not just one day, but if this has been lasting for years, you could maybe safely assume that some gender characteristics you like incarnating might be a good thing to embrace). > You want to make sure that your identity is not a self-deception. It's probably hard to be certain of your identity, maybe even until quite later in life, as far as I know. I'm 40-something, but I'm sure you can have spiritual breakthrough at whatever age. I'm still changing, or at least, refining my views and attitude. I'm certainly not a model of mental stability, but I think that if people weren't chained by conformism, and their surrounding, they would/could evolve in a more malleable way more often. In fact, this is obvious, but we're not fixed. So when are you sure that you're self-decepting and you won't evolve later on to something different? You can't. If so, then the only thing you can do is act on what thought seems to be sticking for more than just a bit into your head, especially when it's itching to make a given change. Now, I'll admit, the risk and reward to change your gender is probably very high, for lots of reasons. Even if you don't use chirurgy and HRT and whatever, you'd still be ostracized by some, at risk of violence in some (even so called "civilized") countries, have trouble finding work, etc And this is the main difference with transforming something else in your identity. But is there even a way to feel how the people who really, for sure, have been, since childhood, or at least a very long time, felt bad in their own body because they weren't allowed to display what they feel strongly as their identity? What I could admit is that some trans people are in this case, and not letting them is just torture, but in some cases, there might be people who are confusing the need to change they sex with the need to change something else (which might as well be my case, and which is why I'm pondering so heavily on top of asking for other point of views. But I think this part of the forum is not for personal details, unless asked for) > There is a serious concern that trans people have an identity disorder in not accepting themselves as they are -- wanting and needing to be someone else. That's interesting. But why would there be any limit in changing your given nature ? We are already apes trying to be something supposedly more enlightened here. We mess with nature every day, we're not primal humans in any, I guess the question could also be merging with transhumanism in a way, but when is it bad to change, and I think what is, over everything, the most important : why can't you not change your body if your spirit feels at peace? (now obviously, case by case, and some detransition etc, I don't know the experience myself firsthand, but some people I talk to regularly online seem so happy to have done that. Obviously they can be tricking themselves too, plus it's online, but yeah) > nd then leftist politics and group-think can feed into that fantasy, making you feel like it's not a fantasy when it is I don't want to admit it to myself, because I feel kind of immune, but yes, this might be more insidious than it seems in some people's mind. Even if, I don't think many would make such a drastic, dangerous lifechange just because someone says it's ok. But all of this interesting now that I think about it. Besides medication, the biggest kind of change you can do to your body to feel in adequation with your mind might indeed be a gender change. Maybe it's untold, even in one's trans mind, but it could be viewed as one of the strongest possible fix your views on life. To take my example tho, I think it's useful that I talk about it despite what I've said earlier, but I've been depressed, anxious, etc for ages. Undiagnosed stuff, very possible ADHD and maybe bipolarity. So naturally I'm asking myself this too. Do I think of it as a fix for me life? Might the grass be greener on the other side? And in this case, maybe I'm a tiny bit more self-conscious and thinking than some people, but I don't think that's the case : I actually feel (and I think most trans persons do) on top of excitation, very scared to even display myself as a woman on public. I immediately feel like it's dangerous, in every way possible. So, on the contrary, I wouldn't see it as a fix to whatever I don't like about my life/myself. I'm very sorry for the messy writing and train of thought. I might be hitting the wrong things entirely. My brain's tend to go sideways and miss the big picture. You don't have to answer at all if you feel like there's not actual interesting point to be made anymore in the discussion. Thanks a lot for answering in any case. > What are you? On the matter we're discussing right now, I don't know. When it comes to just living according to what gives you a good vibe, I just feel excited everytime I picture myself as a woman, in many aspects. But obviously, who knows if I'm lying to myself, even if I'm thinking very hard.

Wrong post Thanks everyone for the answers tho. Thinking. Not answering cause I don't have anything good to say.

Humans are weird. I'm weird. We're all petty, fighting for visions that we'll never be able to reconcile in a neverending fight of hate and egotism. Everything's the same. There's variations but at past 40 now, I see how it's all the same, again and again, I have no idea how people keep having fun or feeling interested in this. I just don't feel at my place anymore, everything is so pointless it hurts. I don't have any children and I don't want them. I've tried forcing myself to think about it, but I instinctively don't like being with them that much (I don't hate them at all. I just don't really care. I feel like most people just have children to have a goal in life and feel like they can live again through them) I feel like a ghost. A ghost full of regrets of what I didn't accomplish when I was younger and still cared about life (I know people will say you can still do things etc, but it's not the same. The flame is almost all gone and someone my age can't some things either) This is the worst fucking feeling. I'm at a point where I'm thinking about everything to be "saved". I'm agnostic but thinking about religion so I can drown myself into something and maybe feel some kind of epiphany. I'm thinking about digging into extreme political views on the opposite of mine. I'm thinking about childish things like finding out anything that seems extreme in the occult. Like any of this would be a magic pill that could bring me back to life. I also fear this because I know this is how some desperate people do stupid things and turn from good people to people in hateful sects. Sorry for the rambling. It's just getting worse every year now, and I have this gut feeling I don't want to be controlled by medication (I've also read a lot of stories where half the time, it doesn't turn out well for various reasons) Edit : I also feel like despite the kind words people distribute to someone depressed, at some point, you can't be saved anymore. That sounds like an horrible truth no one wants to hear, but I feel like I'm getting there in a way. Something in my gut tells me "it's the end now. Stop trying. It's too late"

So I was watching a fascinating absurd movie, and I was wondering why I love movies that much, what they actually are. My usual preconception came out : movies are a way to connect with other humans. Humans use the cinematographic language to say something or just transmit a more abstract feeling. But then I felt it (instead of thinking it) : (most) movies are not a depiction of real feelings or situations. They seem more mystical to me. I can't explain why or why I'm thinking that. But movies are something different. What are they? Why am I so much connected to those? Sorry, these are weird and vagues considerations. I just had to put them out if my brain into words cause something seems to elude me in my live for movies and su can't understand what bothers me that much despite my love for cinema.

Some people say we're, on average, eating too much. How do you quantify what you actually need to be your best self? There are numbers, but some people even discuss those, and who says those number are right anyway ? (science probably hasn't got everything right at this point) Basically, how do you know how much you should eat? Just listening to your body? I find this a bit hard, there's probably some conditionning and habits in there.

So I'm looking into yoga, was interested in tantra or kriya, and some people online said you can't learn without a guru. First, is it true? Second, let's suppose I can't (I live in a very small city in Europe, yoga teachers are rare and would probably Mcdojo material). What then if I want to benefit of what yoga as to offer physically and spiritually, but can't do "real" yoga (supposing books are not enough and maybe even dangerous to practice solo, as some put it)? Is there any sort of valuable derivative that can be practiced solo? And if not from indian tradition, maybe any other similar types of works (even if it has to be fragmented, say, learning this yoga teaching from this tradition, this from another one...) that could be learn alone?

I started dating veeeery late (35) Then got married Now I regret a bit not having had more expérience with women, but even if I wanted now, I couldnt anyway I'm old, not very attractive or outgoing and had a terribly flat life. But I cant help but feel those feels. I love all women, am attractif to all of them. I Ish to have sex With a lot of different women, experience mant strange kinks (some that I did already), and, a bit more shameful, I regret that I will never be able to have sex With young women And this hurts me a lot, because since I was a virgin and alone up until 35, I actually never experienced being with a young woman. Am I just a dirty old pervert that shoumd shir up and has missed his life? I can't help but feel immense regret, that goes further than just sex. This seems stupid but is a huge burden to me and I'm not sure how to fix it.

Am finishing the video About the example of "being a mad man might be better than living a life stuck in cubicle" Sure, everything is relative But most of the time, for the sake of simplification, I'll take extreme cases, and I believe that what we qualify as "mad" is a person that cannot take care of him/her and is dangerous for them or others. Which lead us back to "is hurting others or dying bad?" Thing is, objectively, no, it's not. Being Hitler is objectively not bad, and I'm not even mad at that thought. But as a living species, we have to decide of a way of living. And if we do want to, well, live, with the least "useful" (as in, the one that makes us make progress) suffering, we can't decide to just die. And we can't decide to let useless suffering happen if we can help it. In the mad man exemple, not commenting on the methods and I think psychiatry does have its share of bad treatment and just numbing people out. But, if we accept that we want to be a living species, and therefore protect life, I think it's not of any use avoiding the idea that healing people (the best we can), protecting them in general, is an idea that could be considered bad. Those ideas about bias are very seductive (I actually do tend to think like that whenever I can), and absolutely true as a way of thinking, and can be VERY useful to understand the world better around us rather than being dogmatic, but at some point we gotta ACT. For our survival. And if we do not want to survive, fine. But for those who do (otherwise, what is the point of life honestly, if you don't use it?), yeah, I think taking decisions that will, on average, make humanity stronger, is good. Not talking about capitalism or tech or whatnot. Those can still be problems to discuss and balance and will leave plenty of ordeals to grow ourselves. But simple survival, and just not killing each others? I'm sure those could benefit anyone that puts his ego on the side, fighting for petty things (yes, even religions and territories) EDIT : the video is still great and useful tho. It is a great way of thinking. But sometimes, balancing things too much I think, may be almost as detrimental as being dogmatic. And I'm the first victim of that. People have always looked at me weird, frustrated, because I'm always trying to balance things out instead of just having a simple unilateral opinion

Am currently watching the video. I really tend to place myself as post-modernist from what I understand, I often really annoy most people with always balancing things and trying to be empathetic to even horrible persons, but I think that being able to think in a fragmented way and seeing many perspectives does not mean some things can't be as we say they are right now on some level It doesn't have to be everything or nothing/extreme in all regards A few thoughts I had while listening : 1) "if you put an elephant in a vaccum you cannot tell if it's big or small" But nothing exists in a vaccum. We don't. Also, this is a data about size, that is not relative. So the comparison to more complex problems, even as a simplificaction, seems wrong 2) Basically we're saying, and I agree, that no country is right. Depends on the perspective. That there is no one truth. But there is. The one truth should be avoiding extinction of living organisms and planets. Avoiding suffering. Therefore, you could objectively say that the best way to do this, is to take simple decisions as sharing ressources, avoiding violence, etc (of course, having an authority strong and connected enough to enforce that, as humans are right now, seems impossible) You can admit that there are many truth. This is actually undeniable. But over those, the bigger truth is that we should get to this general well-being of the livings. 3) Some things, like some aspects of science, have to be true. It doesn't mean that you can't have a lot of fun questionning many many other aspects of life. But questionning that the Earth is round when we have visual proof of it (and therefore not just biased humans point of views) is a waste of time. Go question ghosts, ki, whatever you want after that, but the world we see with our human bodies is this one. (there might be a million more layers to it, but this one layer here, I think we kind of nailed it on some basic aspects) 4) "There are many facts that you will overlook"/being selective about science. Probably. But then, what? Is there even a few valuable exemples to this, where people could actually say "damn, we should really study this, why didn't we think about it earlier ?" 5) you can interpret text differently and that's all that matters in the end. But you cannot deny the intent of the one who wrote it. If they're saying homosexuals should be punished, no matter where this comes from, then they mean it. The "them" that they are at this moment, which is all that matters to describe them as a person when they wanted to communicate something, undeniably wanted to mean this. So why try and say you could interpret that they're actually all for lgtbt or whatnot? There's plenty of space in your head and the world to find the worldview you resonate with about a given problem. No need to try and force other's views about it. I didn't finish the video yet (funny how this advocates against me considering the "we see everything selectively" point of view), so I might be surprised, but I think those aspects of it probably won't suddenly be changed as the video continues. So there's that already. tl;dr is probably : Lots of things have to be put into perspective, but not everything has to. (sorry if this was hard to read, english is not my first language) Not just here to say "Wrong !" by the way, I actually love the video so far, makes me think, I didn't even knew/think about those terms so far

First, sorry for stupid title. I am, by no means, ever going to mock anyone for ANY belief system. But I am personnally in such a dark time that I am considering trying to fit my life into some sort of religious system But as I was contemplating the most discussed ones, I was wondering. What is this? It's just humans writing stories, right? There was never any sign of god. Only confused people, or liars, or whatever made them believe their God told them to write about them. So what point is there in following a religion? I'm starting to think, as I dislike it, trust me, that all of this, if it's not always bad because it cas still be a tool for people to develop, is just a waste of time, compared to using actual science/psychology, etc (and trust me I'm NOT a science guy. I'm utterly stupid and ignorant). For me religion, as it's basically thoughts and stories written by humans, are by no means anymore important or useful than any book or story of any type. I feel like people are taking them so seriously, probably partly because of how old they are, and how blurred and exotic they seem to us. Basically they came first so they're better than whatever system of teachings and development that happened after them. But why? Everything else has, broadly said, evolved ever since it was created (at least in terms of potential, not the use that is made of it, cause of course we have smartphones but clearly the way we use it is not always a step up from earlier technologies). So why is religion this set in stone, sacred thing? Even if we started considering it was real, there is no way to check, right? Who said the persons that wrote the bible were not liars, manipulators, or mentally ill?

It is. No question. And it should be freeing. It sometimes is and was up until a certain point. But now it's driving me crazyer everyday. I could try and change my lifestyle. I could divorce, meet new people, find a new activity, but I don't care. What would it change? Humans interactions are always the same. I feel like I've reach the end of my interest for life. But I don't even want to kill myself. So I'm just stuck in this body with no purpose and I don't think I even want one anymore. It feels so bad that I kind of want to try anything to stop feeling like that, but I don't know what to do. I'm going to see a psychiatrist for the first time in life very soon but I doubt he can teach me anything about myself, and I don't want meds cause I have terrible medical anxiety and just thinking back about everything that can happen when taking meds for depression/anxiety/adhd/autism or whatever it is I have, is borderline starting up panic attack in me. Also so many people saying they felt like zombies, they're better off without meds etc. Plus if I get meds as a patch over my wound it doesn't fix the wound. Something must be wrong in my life but I can't figure out what. Or maybe not. Maybe my brain isn't working correctly. Not sure how anyone can help. I'm just desperate (again, but worse every time)

I'm just going to snap here cause nothing makes sense a anymore and I can't fight my thoughts and feelings. Ban me if you need to. I don't know what to do anymore. Fuck words. Fuck humans. What are they so proud of themselves ? Words are nothing. Thoughts are nothing. What a joke. All wrong. Something's not right. I've reached an end. Human activities and thinking are not satisfying anymore. My whole soul is itching, there's nothing else to do. I'm speaking like I've seen it all but it's not even that. I didn't. I'm probably the person that have seen and done the less things on this forum. Yet I say all this. But it's true. I feel it, the world is dissolving around me, I don't even know how to explain all of this. I don't matter. I'm sorry. Angry vent. But it has to get somewhere even if it's useless. If you can still feel things and like things, please cherish this. Every second. It seems like I can't anymore and it's the absolute worse feeling. Goodbye. Maybe. Probably. (No worries, no suicide. I'm too weak for that)

Don't put anything on a pedastle.

Thing I've always had like 4-5 things I'm passionate about up to the point I'd want to make it my whole life, but now that's gone...I have never had the qualities to direct a business. I'm too air-headed for that. I don't seem to have the patience or strength for art anymore (that is, beside a bit of playing here and there but never finishing things). My hobbies I still do, but they seem to tire me more quickly than before, I jump from one to the other but never find the practice of those as nice to do as the idea I have in my head or the memories I had from my past.

I have been recommanded medication (sertraline), but due to huge medical anxiety, makes me afraid, knowing there are frequent secondary effects. And, further than that, some people do seem to regret taking them (or other mediction for depression, anxiety or whatnot), cause they didn't felt like themselves in a way to put it simply. Plus hard to get off those I belive? But also, I fell like 1) it's me giving up and being lazy on solving my life And 2) putting a band aid on a broken bone and not actually fix the problems. Kind of like numbing myself to make me believe my life is ok, when there's still (probably) something deeper I need to understand about why my life makes me that unhappy (I am probably hiding something from myself or not realizing my lifestyle is totally wrong for me or something) Sorry, I know the usual answer for depression is "take your medication", so I probably sound very annoying and stubborn (which I am)

My need for success is dead (I gained a bit of fame this past month on social media and it doesn't even feel good so what was it that I wanted this whole time when thinking about this? Also I don't even feel like doing art, I never had anything to say, my brain doesn't work). My need for love too. I barely even want anything. Nothing, even my former passions, feels good for more than 30 mn anymore (and even then I'm still kind of detached) What the hell do I do now? I was wondering if screens weren't playing a role in all of this. I'm basically spending my life on those. But then if I give it up even entirely, what then, read books? Isn't this also just another for of escapism, or being with myself only? Maybe then I become smarter? For what? I don't care about humans anymore. This feels terrible. No desire is the worst. I don't even want to numb myself anymore. I want to be stupid and insensitive.

Bad in a way, I rarely wake up refreshed, and when it happens, my batteries run out quickly, been like that my whole life Doc made me do some test, last one left is for sleep apnea, appointment in...one year I know, but lately it's getting worse and I feel like I have no desire for literally anything