Clarence

I agree that there are good things about it—the fact that I am different and sensitive to psychedelics. I'm also extremely attentive to details, beauty, and perfection. I'm very empathetic and always careful not to hurt other people. I'm very good at analyzing, introspecting, and feeling. But there are so many bad sides. I am constantly overwhelmed by outside stimulation. For example, I had to leave a job where they played the radio all day. It was driving me insane. Whenever I go out, I get exhausted by the noise, smells, lights, movements, weather conditions, and so on. It is very hard just to go grocery shopping. I just can't handle full-time jobs because I completely burn out or become depressed from the exhaustion. Simple daily tasks are a challenge too, and my mind is constantly active. It never stops. Meditation was so hard for me that just thinking about it now brings back hurtful memories. But this is really painful. In my life, it is so impactful. Negative emotions are very hard to handle, but so are positive ones. It exhausts my body and mind just to feel so much. I can’t focus on work or objectives because my emotions are so strong and dominant. As a result, very few things make sense to me, as my thinking is veiled by pain. I also have to sleep a lot just to compensate, yet I still feel sleepy during the day. High sensitivity is not as rewarding as you might think. Or only for individuals who've learned to manage it well, and even then, I think it's still very challenging. This world is not suited for highly sensitive people at all.

I've already been to ENT doctors and did all the testing. The scan revealed bilateral otospongiosis. It's in the early stage, but I read it can get worse. I still haven't met the doctor since the scan. There are surgeries for that, but it is much too soon—the doctors seemed to tell me in advance. Do you think it would be a good strategy to calm down from God-Realization memories? Just reading a blog post about the imaginary nature of reality brings me so much peace and clarity inside, but anyone I talk to about those things tells me it is an escape. And I hear the word "escape" as something bad. Of course, I don't have to listen to them (I'm becoming deaf to make sure I can't hear painful things anymore), but there is some real confusion within me… I want to do what's right so much that I make the mistake of not doing anything out of fear of doing something wrong. Of course, this way of living is all wrong, so I feel terrible, stupid and failing. Yes, I'm too defensive and dysfunctional. I'll try to shift that, though I have no idea how to accomplish it long term (I have spikes of energy and clarity, where I'm productive, at peace, focused, and confident, but that stops as abruptly as it started). I'm still in the process of adapting my treatment for Hashimoto's since my bloodwork worsened. I've been noticing some improvement in my mood already, which is nice. But I have so many facets to fix. @Leo Gura Thank you for your help in this thread. It really means a lot to me. In a sense, you're the only one who can understand certain facets of me, as no friend or therapist knows what I am talking about when I speak of God, psychedelics, Solipsism or Consciousness. I feel somewhat isolated and I can't get good, fully customized advice from anyone, even if I pay for it. I love that. I should print it out. Actually, I should print out all the passages I love the most so I can benefit from them longer. I like to hear this too. As they've taken refuge in my house, I feel responsible for them, despite the fact that they're making a mess, causing me sleepless nights and expensive repairs from from eating cables. High sensitivity is terrible

Yes indeed, but that would leave such a deep wound and trauma within me. Just lately, I released field mice from my house into the forest, but the next days, it started freezing. I felt—and still feel—so much pain, guilt and remorse from having done that. I didn't even think about giving them food as I released them in a new environnent. I keep worrying about what I've done, wondering if they've survived and in how much pain they've been in because of my actions. And I feel unable to let go of those thoughts, despite trying and knowing I can't do anything to change what happened. I trapped another mouse after that, but I released it right where I catched it, in my attic, as I couldn't deal with the pain again. They are "just" little mice, and still I get into so much suffering for them. I just bought fire alarms. They should send notifications to my phone in case there is smoke in the house. But I still worry about a notification delay (like losing wifi connection on my phone or in the house) or something like that. I'm constantly checking the home camera when I'm away to make sure everything is fine. I currently don't have enough money to invest in another kind of security system (and I doubt my mother would agree). The remote control door is also a great idea, I would place it if I were living on my own, but as I live in my mother's house, it would be a lot of trouble. She doesn't share my fear and it would backfire against me if I tried to force it (even if I paid). It already was quite uncomfortable last months for the fire alarms. We have the insurance, but I don't worry about the money really. I worry for the sentimental objects which can't be replaced. And everything is a sentimental object for me. I take so many pictures already, but still, it's is not the same as the objects themselves. And I also fear losing pictures despite my back ups (I fear doing it wrong, even though I likely am not). When my grandmother passed, it was so hard for me to give away her clothes and her belongings we had to get rid off. I would have kept everything if it was me, because I am so attached to her and the moments we spent together. Her material objects was all I had left of her. I have such a hard time letting go of memories, people, and objects. I don't know why I am like this. Acceptation is very very hard for me. I either feel pain or reject the pain I feel (such as avoiding to think about my grandmother as it is too painful). But then I create shadows and trauma. I become more tensed and bitter because of all the pain. I don't have the keys to handle feelings properly, and I feel emotions so much strongly than the average person. I fully agree that most of my fears are irrational and counter-productive, but I just can't stop feeding into them. I really don't know how to accept things. I am not able to force myself to, but I also can't just let go. There is such a battle happening within me whenever I try. It is more painful than the pain itself. I will one day make a list of all of my fears, to at least have a clear picture. There are catastrophic fears, but also near to insignificant ones, such as staining my clothes (especially when they are new), and I will overthink that every time I eat, get dressed, walk in the rain, brush my teeth, etc. The amount of mental energy I waist on all of my fears is phenomenal. I spend so much energy on them that I don't have any energy left to contemplate why I am so fearful and anxious in the first place. Most of my fears would be fixed with more money, but I am too fearful and anxious to even work, or think about working, at this time. What I am most worried about now, is that I've become fearful of taking psychedelics. I somewhat reduced the fear with contemplation, and I will still trip despite the fear, but it isn't so pleasant, as I get bad trips about half the time, if not more. Most of the time, during the comedown, when my 'self' slowly comes back to its baseline and all of my worries and emotions are enhanced. I happenned to experience my darkest thoughts at a level so intense I can't describe. In one of my last trips, at the very end of it, I fully experienced my mother's death as if it was happening in the coming two years. She had a dream recently telling her that she had two years left, and now I can't let go of that thought. She can't do so either. It might obviously not happen in that time frame, but it also might happen. And now I can't go on with my life not thinking about that possibility everyday (not rational, not productive, nothing I can do but to change my way of living as if it were to happen). I currently have to take a break from tripping because of ear problems. I suffered from a sudden hearing loss (about 30 dB in one hear), which I've struggled so much to accept (living in fear of not knowing the cause and whether or not it will come back, until recently—I learned that it won't come back and that it might get worse, and on both sides). In my last trip, I felt such intense pressure inside my ear and head that it turned into a horrible trip. I thought I had done something wrong which would cause the condition to get worse. I wasn't in the mood at all for the trip just starting anymore. And the anxiety after that remained as the psychedelic actually made my hearing worse for several weeks. The bright side is that I trust myself to be able to deal with the pain and discomfort of bad trips, but it also brings me down a bit more each time, as I can't even do properly the one thing I truly care about.

How do we do that? Can we confront any fear? One of my deepest fears (and I have so many) is to have my house catch on fire while I am gone—and so, to lose my four dogs in terrible fear and suffering, as well as all the objects I am attached to and hold dear (such as memories of loved ones, whether they've passed or not, and of my past). That makes me extremely anxious whenever nobody's in the house, which means I deeply fear going out in this scenario. I still do it, but in a constant state of anxiety. I don't feel at peace at all and don't enjoy my time outside, even if it is for something fun. But how to confront that fear? Does it mean to imagine losing everything in a fire again and again, and to suffer through it, again and again, until the fear reduces? Would this eventually help the fear subside, or that is not what you mean when you say "confront your fears"? The multiplicity of my fears sometimes affects my trips as well and makes them scary, but what is the process of turning a fearful, anxious and negative mind into a pure one? My "higher self" is very bright, but my ''lower self" is very scared and gloomy, and I tend to live much more in the latter—I even lost touch with what's best in me, as my fearful, anxious and critical side is constantly triggered. I am clueless about how to change, as all of this runs so deep in my psyche. It feels almost impossible to change such core traits of personality. I don't know where nor how to start.

@Leo Gura Will you teach us (maybe in the course) how to properly trip for 12-24 hours in a row? Also, do you consider sharing with us details about your most dangerous experiences and other things you haven't yet talked about?

What I meant was between high/heavy doses and extremely high doses. For me, 25-30 mg is a heavy trip. I’ve never tripped above 35 mg and never got into such dangerous territory. So I would guess that those kinds of experiences could happen at even higher doses, such as 45-50+ mg (for me). But I could be wrong. It would be quite a leap to go that high. 35 mg of MALT was extremely intense for me. I couldn’t tell the difference between past, present, real, and imaginary at all anymore, but also, I didn't retain much from this trip as I think at was too high. My clearest and most profound trips and awakenings happened at 25-30 mg.

@Leo Gura Thanks for the clarification. That’s really intense. Does the deep tripping you’re talking about here refer to really high doses of psychedelics, such as 50+ mg of MALT or 5-MeO, or to something else? I’d like to know what you have in mind when you talk about serious tripping.

At higher doses, I also tend to experience what @LambdaDelta is describing as I dive deep into my mind. It also happens that I stop seeing the room I'm in. Once, during one of my first experiences, I fell off my bed and hit a wall. That "woke" me back up into the room. But that is very different from what we're talking about here. I think it happened because I had fallen asleep before the trip started, and halfway through, I moved my body without realizing it. Otherwise, I mostly stay still and don't get the desire to go out. One reason is that it is quite hard to walk around on psychedelics, but also because my focus is elsewhere. I observe my thoughts, my mind, and my consciousness very deeply. I also experienced the shift you're describing, which twists my mind in a similar way, but I stay under the blanket and observe it. I bask in how funny it is that everything that makes me "me," especially my own rigidity, collapses. So I observe, laugh internally, and ponder how to keep some of that at play when the trip is over. At this point, I just can't see how I could want to use a knife, my car, or anything dangerous while tripping. Maybe someday I'll find out how, but it's very hard to imagine, as it feels so foreign to what I've experienced so far and as I'm proceeding with caution with each trip, increasing the dosages bit by bit. Thanks a lot for the video! I'm glad I could listen to it again, it’s so deep and beautiful.

@Vynce There really was no way you could have refrained from doing those things?

@Leo Gura It is hard to understand as I haven't been close to doing something stupid yet. During all of my trips, the idea of leaving my bed doesn't even cross my mind. So I basically lack experience of being close to actual danger. If I remember correctly, you once talked about being able to trip with a gun on your lap to face the fear that you might kill yourself (to not do it and gain trust). This is very old memory, and I don't know which video it was in, so I can't listen to it again to know what you said exactly. But I remember something like that, if I'm not mistaken. I hope to learn more about your personal experiences someday in the course. Real stories from you are the most effective eye-openers. I’m always interested to learn in more details about what you’ve been through and experienced. Sometimes I don't exactly know how to proceed with my tripping, so looking up to you also gives me a foundation and trajectory, even though you are extremely advanced.

Did you used to do all that? It sounds excessive. I tend to trust myself enough not to re-dose, use my phone or handle dangerous objects.

Thanks

@Leo Gura What about pots and saucepans? Is it also important that they are all stainless steel, and preferably of good quality? I'm currently looking to replace them as well. I'm not sure about the quality or even the materials of the ones we use.

In case it helps anyone, after doing a lot of research on stainless steel pans, I decided to buy this model : Demeyere Industry 5. I still need to try it out as it arrived yesterday. But from my research, it is of very good quality. @Leo Gura I'd be interested to know which models you use or like?

@Leo Gura Thanks. I'm not familiar with this method, but I'll look into it if I can't get one from my doctor.

Thanks. Though there isn't much cure at this point, except maybe Naltrexone which might be one of the best treatments, as you are reporting. What kind of doctor can prescribe this medication for Hashimoto's? I guess my family doctor won't know about it. Is it about convincing any doctor to give a prescription?

Do you also enjoy going out with a close friend from time to time? I have a few close friends, but there is one I feel especially close to. We don’t talk or see each other very often, but I find the moments we spend together very meaningful. I wonder if this kind of connection is also important to you as well.

It’s already destroying my life. I’m fighting back not to kill myself. I’m seeing a psychiatrist, a neuropsychologist, and alternative healers, but nothing works. Sometimes I experience a few days of reduced symptoms after a session, but it never lasts longer than that. It’s hard to believe that it could be caused by an autoimmune disorder because I’ve grown to see all these symptoms as part of "me" — as me failing to change my state of mind and get into a good mood. That’s why I was hoping to work on it with the upcoming course on reprogramming the subconscious mind, thinking it was the only cause. It’s hard to accept that it could come from Hashimoto’s, because that would mean that my difficulties aren’t all directly caused by me failing, as I've come to believe, but also by a physical condition. It feels wrong to place the cause, or part of the cause, outside of my mind, as if I’m not taking full responsibility for it. But it would be a relief to know that this is the case, as such a cause would reduce the guilt I live with. Even if curing the condition isn’t simple, accepting that it plays an important role would improve my self-image and ease the despair I’m in.

Not that I know of, at least for the physical symptoms. But for the mental ones, it’s more complex, as I am an extremely anxious person. So I don’t know if anxiety is the cause of all the other symptoms, or if anxiety is itself heightened and a symptom of Hashimoto's. I can't remember how things were before I learned I had the disease, but somehow, it feels like it's getting worse as time goes on. Good to know. When I read the book, it sounded promising to apply what they said to reduce inflammation and improve overall well-being, but I didn’t do it because it was impossible for me to put it into practice at the time. I'll keep in mind that my results could be different.

Thank you. I'd be interested in giving it a try, especially if it can help reduce symptoms such as chronic fatigue, cold intolerance, mood swings, depressive episodes, etc. However, I've been living with these symptoms and with Hashimoto's for so many years that I don't know if they come from it. I read the book The Immune System Recovery Plan a while ago. If you've tried following the plan, did you notice any improvement?

Instead or on top of Levothyroxine? My prescription of Levothyroxne is currently increasing (from 75 mcg to 100 mcg, and now to 125 mcg) because my T.S.H. is still a bit high (4.22 mU/L). I'll be waiting for your blog post. I wonder if the levothyroxine treatment could be sufficient if the numbers eventually go down, or if Naltrexone would be a better option.

It has just been 4 days. In 5, 10 or 20 years, you might think differently. It will make your life more complicated in many ways, especially in social settings and when eating out. For a few years, you might be okay with it, but the constraint can increase over time and become a nightmare. Aside from that, veganism isn't great for your health. But then again, you won't notice it before a few years have passed. Veganism is radical. You know it is. After how long and in which setting did you fail to maintain the vegan diet in the past?

@Something Funny My argument would be to stay omnivore but eat small but high quality animal products when you need to. This would be sustainable long term. Veganism is too radical, not necessarily the best for one's health, and likely to cause suffering to your mental health and wellbeing. If you've fallen back a few times already, it is a sign that something isn't right. It would be good to get clearer on what you can do and feel able to do, rather than following strict rules you are not fully aligned with. Veganism and vegan minds are usually very strict, too strict to be sound.

I'm not a gamer at all, but I'll definitely want to play

@Davino Thank you for you responses. Looking forward to reading new trip reports whenever you feel like sharing