Clarence

The halfway option could be to rent a place to live half of the week in. But this wouldn't be easy financially and mentally as it would be a hard shift to switch places twice a week. And I still wouldn't be much freer, so it's hard to decide whether it's worth the investment in money and worry. Thanks… though the desperation is already eating me alive. This decision would actually be made out of desperation, which isn't ideal. But it's really hard to conceive staying stuck for a few more years either. It's a really though exercise. I can't decide how it will unfold… I don't know how much longer my grandmother will live nor if she will die suddenly or after having disminished a lot more. But I feel like I will have many regrets wathever happens. I'll feel guilty for not having been more patient and present with her, and for not having helped my mother more - even if that is due to my health/lack of wellbeing. Maybe that tells me that I should figure out why I feel so much guilt. I think that this was transmitted to me from my mother, because she is feeling a lot of guilt as well. But right now, I haven't figured out where it comes from exactly, nor how I could change it. How you summarize my situation sounds quite correct, but to leave them to live in my car and to work full time is not realistic for me. It would worsen my health a lot. That's not really how it works here because the feeling I should care for my mother is within me. There's not really something she could sign that would improve the situation.

Yes, she is being selfish, but that is due to her age. She absolutely isn't in her normal headspace anymore (for exemple, she won't remember if she had dinner an hour ago, and she'll sometimes be doubtful when we tell her she did). It's a challenge not to blame her. We understand her brain is at fault, but as we sacrifice our entire life for her wellbeing, it is hard when she won't believe we gave her food. The reason she lives with us is because my mother has worked in nursing homes and so she closely knows the mistreatment that happens there. She didn't want that for her mother because of the bond they have. Despite the difficulty and the fact that she's not herself anymore, she dread losing her. My grandmother is from other generations. She was born in 1931 and grew up with her grandparents. At this point, she thinks it is the normal going of things that we care for her and she is not able to understand that it is a sacrifice of our life. As a result, she'll keep asking for more, but to reason with her only works for an hour maybe. Then she forgets and do it again. Yes… it make's it harder to apply Leo's teachings and to do self-help in general. And I don't see many people being in the same situation, so I don't have references or ideas on how to cope or mix the two. Maybe that's what I should do… but that is so hard to even think about. I already feel guilty for leaving the house for one day - they induce that in me with the words they use and emotions they have when I say I leave and when I come back. It's hard to conceive a more selfish move, like leaving the house for half the week. I know I'm being selfish anyway, but that feels so bad I'm still unsure whether it's right. Though… I think it could be, as whenever a small contradiction happens with my mother, all I want is to leave. But I don't know whether I have the strength in me to do it, as I'm completely out of energy. Thank you for sharing some of your story and perspective.

I love that you gave the answer, it was more powerful for me that way, especially in the way it was delivered. But I guess it is very subjective. Thank you for the video. I realize that the biggest trap I fall into is that I avoid doing things and making decisions as I am extremely scared of doing the wrong thing. That fear is so deeply ingrained into my psychology that I don't know at this point if I ever will be able to completely release it. It also depletes me from my vital energy as I am in a constant state of hesitation and doubt, which worsen the trap I'm into, as the lack of energy makes decision making even more difficult. If I'm not mistaken… it will be a life long journey to get out of that trap. Two other major traps I fall into is the lack of self-love and the lack of self-esteem. A very deep lack of these two make the fact of simply existing very painful. But those are also very hard to transform and I'm still unsure whether I'll be able to one day. It's a terrific mixture.

Correct… I love such events for that reason. They sooth me because they bring my full attention to the present moment, which is very hard for me to do otherwise. I'll try to think of strategies. I think that many aren't strong enough for me. I can keep a negative mood for an entire run and I can't keep my attention on a movie (unless I really love it but I'm very picky). I think I'll have to experiment with different options, but I like the idea. Having a strong desire to practice not dwelling in emotions by focusing on other activities instead is probably what matters most… Good advice (I think), but very hard to put into practice. It's one of those things I'm not sure what I need to do exactly or whether I'm doing it right.

For some background, I am autistic and I've been facing a lot of rejection since childhood because of my differences. I am now extremely sensitive to rejection - I will, for exemple, sense the slightest change in the facial expression of the person I talk to and adapt the way I act and talk to avoid being of annoyance to them. Thus I've learned how to mask (to some extent) my autism and how to adapt to the person I talk to to be liked and not rejected. I also hold myself to high standards and I don't want to say things that are wrong, stupid, useless, or expressed in ways that are not smart and wise. When I make a mistake of such kind, I feel intense remorse and shame, which reinforces the feeling that I have to overthink and go through all the potential "wrongs" of my thinking before expressing myself. As a consequence to all of that, I censor myself a lot. In real life, but also on the forum. I'd like to be more free, spontaneous, lighthearted, but it seems like I just can't. I'd like to be a more active member of the forum because we share interests I am passionate about, and because I want to be more social, but it feels like I never have something to say, something that will add real value to the conversation. It also feels wrong to me to express myself on topics that I don't fully master, and I don't fully master the topics. When I think I do have an opinion on something and that it is close to the truth, I wonder what the point to even try sharing what I think is; people will not care or reflect as much as I do, or I might be missing something important in my own reflexion and thus feel stupid later. I've been quite stuck in these thought loops for years. I'm stuck between wanting to learn to be more carefree and social at times, and in constantly questioning the usefulness and validity of my words - and of my own existence as a human being among others. One fault I have as an autistic person is that I am extremely rigid. It is harder for me than it is for the average person to change the way I think and do things. This significantly hinders my ability to grow and to heal. And it plays a big role in my inability to stop censoring myself on the forum. I'm not even sure if there is a solution for me as it would require to change core traits of character. And I'm not sure whether that is possible or not. But a lot of the time… I'd like to be able to.

I was not talking about truth per se, but about participating on the forum in general; about sharing an opinion on a topic, asking a question, answering a comment, etc. I also read - just now on Wikipedia - positive things about autism and MDMA. So I think it could be something to try and see how I respond (not especially in social settings). Was it the experience you've had if you've ever tried?

Why? I'm not very familiar with MDMA. P.S. I'm from the Ardennes and I don't speak Flemish, so I can't help I don't think that's how I am, but I have many triggers as I have over-sensitive senses and as I quite dislike stupidity. That makes me an agreeable judging person Even though I judge people in my head, I never express it and I feel guilty for having those thoughts. They come to me even though I don't want to be judgmental. So I'm both judmental and accepting of other's limitations at the same time, if that makes sense. Did you follow a particular process to desensitize yourself? Was it all done through thinking? And did you do that all by yourself? It's hard for me to picture what you did exactly that worked.

Yes, I'm conscious it is from my standard and that it is very arbitrary. I also think I have a lot of awareness of my thoughts and feelings, but I don't know how to control them. Maybe it's a matter of technique which I still have to find. When you say it's possible to control and regulate your emotional reaction, do you have something specific in mind on how to do it? Indeed, I can't make a model of what my thoughts, emotions and actions mean… I also had to learn to read people and I think I got quite good at it. Someone made me realize not long ago that neurotypical people were not as attuned to reading micro-expressions and body language as I am. It's like if I over-compensated with what I didn't have naturally. But it's quite annoying to be that observant. I think it holds me back, because I'm in my mind observing rather than reacting and living. I've tried in the past. I did notice relief on the moment, but the ruminations would come back shortly after, so I didn't keep a positive memory of journaling. But if I don't find other options, I will eventually give it a second chance. Thanks for your above explanations. Those are great suggestions. I think it would be good for me to find an activity like this, but one that suits my personality. I don't have much idea right now of what I could do instead of pick-up or improvisation, but there definitely must exist something. (I would stand out too badly in an improvisation class. I'm not ready for that. I couldn't even say a single word.)

Yes… you're right, I'm the one expecting that from me. I also find it easier to forgive others for their mistakes than it is to forgive myself for mine. I'm not really scared about pissing people of because I'm careful not to most of the time, but I'm scared to be attacked by someone despite my effort not to be attacked, because it really hurt my self-esteem. I know it's all in my mind, but somehow I can't break free from it. Right now we're having a sunny day which I've been waiting for months. Yet I can't feel joy, happiness or contentement, though I badly need it. I don't understand why my brain doesn't give me those positive feelings/neurotransmitters. It's tiring. Without that, my mind feels foggy and I'm not relaxed enough to get touched by others and still be calm and solid. I'm pretty judgmental myself… and I'm pissed off all the time. I think that plays a role in the judgment I also hold towards myself. What I can't allow to others, I can't allow to myself (for exemple, someone eating in a train drives me crazy; as a result, I won't eat in a train because I know how distressful that is - yet I will keep getting hurt by people eating in trains). There are so many things I need to work on to make my life liveable it's overwhelming.

Hahahaha yes right It's hard for me to get that "fighter" mentality. I can't feel joy, desire, exctitement, etc. Pain and mental turmoil are bringing me down. I thought psychedelics could help switch and reverse that, but so far it hasn't work. I have some difficulty believing that anything will help at this point, especially pushing myself more, as I can't find and feel anything that is motivating enough to be worth fighting for. Though I still haven't completely given up - or I would be dead. I think major change could happen once I will move to my own place.

No no no no no @Schizophonia… Here you go, this one much better, with major cities and all I don't even know how you could find such a map :p. Do they teach you that at school in France?

Thanks @Davino. It would be interesting to try MDMA. Though I guess it wouldn't be as efficient for writing on a forum. But I'll try exposing myself some more and see if I notice some improvement with time… Interesting… but I'm even too autistic for martial arts. Such movements or screams don't compute in my brain. It's a bit like dancing - I absolutely can't connect music and body movements. It's quite an extreme disconnection I have.

Thanks again to all of you ; @StarStruck, @Sugarcoat, @Bobby_2021, @Schizophonia, @Basman, @LastThursday, @Princess Arabia. I'll see if I can make some adjustments. I still wanted to ask, how do you feel or let go when you say something you later realize was not smart enough or was incorrect, or when somebody "hurts your feelings" and you really care about what they said? - I'm talking here on the forum especially. I know it's not right, but I think I identify my sense of self more with the outside than the the inside, so all of this really touches me. How I feel and think I am is very dependant to the outside world (how people treat me, how I think I am perceived by others, what happens to me, the emotional reactions I have, etc). As a result of that, I have no idea who I am from the inside. I can't even understand what "know who you are" means. For me it's very intangible and etheric/mental, and I can't put my finger on what that "me" as a human is. And I don't know how to developp a stronger sense of self. So if someone knows how a strong sense of self - a secure, independant, tangible sense of self - can be developped and what "who you are" as a human consciousness actually means, I'd be happy to hear. (Who I am as God consciousness is far easier for me to grasp, just to clarify it is the human self only I am refering to).

Thank you all for your answers. I feel relieved after reading your positive feedbacks. I went to bed anxious and woke up with my chest even more tight… but now I can breathe again (until I post this comment hahaha). It's really hard to change my self-talk and to talk myself into a way out of it. I read Leo commenting a few times about BPD. I don't have that condition, but I have AvPD which seems to be close to me in terms of intensity. And I'd say I have the intesity of emotions people with BPD have. I'm far more sensitive than average, and I have extreme emotional reaction whenever something unpleasant happens (if someone criticizes me at work or if someone ignores me, or whatever else). @Ninja_pig Thanks for your message. I actually have great friends which I am comfortable around, but it doesn't ease my overall discomfort. I think that you are right on the "focus on accepting yourself and loving yourself more". I think that's what it is, the main problem I have, I absolutely hate myself and I remind myself all the time that I'm an idiot (though realistically, I think I am more intelligent than many people). But I don't know how to change those deep feelings. It's like trying to love your absolute worse enemy. It's really really hard. Meditation and self-help worsened my feelings towards myself. I had to stop and distance myself from them both at some point because they were doing more harm than good. I regard journaling in a similar way, but maybe it would be something to try again. I'm still open to do more psychedelics for that, but so far, it hasn't been helpful, unfortunately. The last trip I had was a bad trip on this exact issue. I also like your two last sentences! @Sugarcoat The problem is that I cannot just tell myself "but that's ok". I do try, but the reality is that it's not ok, regrets or cringe moments, will send me into downward spirals of intense negative feelings I can't control. I try to use reason to calm myself down and to let go of my thoughts to ease my feelings, but it isn't efficient. I will suffer deeply for a few days, sometimes a few weeks, and just then my emotional reaction will start to pass. So forcing myself into sharing, knowing it will likely cause that, doesn't feel like a right move for me. At least, that's how I feel deep down, though it might sound like excuses and weaknesses. Somehow, I'm really harsh on myself already and "forcing myself", adding hardship on top of that, is intensifying my mental distress. @trenton Thanks for sharing. In the end, what did help you the most? Was it the reflections themselves that did end up transforming you, or was there something on top of them? I find what you say to be insightful, but I wonder if that is enough to transform deeply ingrained fears and patterns of thoughts. I don't think moralism is what drives me, but the overal idea can translate to what I do. @Bobby99 So… you feel good in heated arguments? That's so far from how I feel haha. You don't disappoint yourself or feel bad about yourself when you write something too fast and then realize it was not smart? @Princess Arabia You're right, we're often dissatisfied with what we are or what we do. I'm mostly dissatisfied with how I feel. Well, people don't even have to think something about me… I'll think badly about me for them x) So maybe I should not pay attention to what I think, but my mind just won't stop. I try to let go, but my will to let go is not as strong as the thinking and feeling patterns I've been reinforcing for years. I try, but my thinking and emotions are obsessive and strong. They nearly feel tangible, as if they were set in stone. Yes, you're right, that was me Leo inspires me, maybe a bit too much and I'm skiping steps. I want to reach hyper-mind more than anything while I can't even write two words on a forum without feeling threatened ^^ I'll go back to more serious tripping when my living conditions will have improved. I don't live on my own yet and I realized that tripping in between stressful moments wasn't good for me. Thanks though for your feedbacks! @Schizophonia It's good to know that you got improvement from changing your diet! It's definitely something I want to try once I'll move on my own. Did you follow a particilar method? I'm quite overwhelmed with the quantity of informations and possible diets. That's a good point too. I still have to figure out what kind of concrete stuff to do, but I can see how it could relieve symptoms! Which psychedelics helped you the most? And did you trip with a particular intention or state of mind? Belgium is not a French region… it's the country I am from Right between France, Germany and the Netherlands :).

35 mg 5-MeO-MALT 02.19.24 I don't have a proper report to write down, but I will still share my experience and my ''mistakes''. I went into the trip at about 1h30 pm, hungry and thirsty (I don't eat nor drink the day I trip to avoid getting any nausea). The morning had been rough. I had had an appointment with my psychiatrist and then I had some shopping to do. So I was outside, thinking, walking, being surrounded by people and noise for four hours, and all of that on an empty stomach. Plus, the day before had been very long and challenging. When I sat on my bed, the syringe in my hand, I felt exhausted. I wanted to sleep, but having very few opportunities to trip and wanting to become more decisive - so to stop changing my mind all the time, I took the substance. I didn't feel scared, just tired, and it still felt like I had more to gain than to lose. But the trip went faster than me. I couldn't properly keep up and observe the experience. I had memories from the morning and previous day that were coming up, and I couldn't tell if they were past, present, real or imaginary. I didn't know if they had happened or if I was making them up, and I couldn't make the difference between the past and the present. There was a sense of confusion. It was not scary though and not surprising either because I am conscious that everything is imaginary. I enjoyed experiencing the imaginary nature of reality in this direct way, but I was unable to tell how much of this ''weirdness'' was caused by my tiredness or by the substance. The trip lasted about 2 hours, but it felt much shorter, like if I had missed parts of the trip (maybe not, but maybe I did). When I stood up to turn off the light, I noticed that I was not walking straight, and that my movements were not very coordinate, going too fast, and so they were more difficult to execute. As the trip was ending, I started contemplating, as I did in my last trip, but instead of being inspired, I entered a very dark place. My worries and negative thoughts became stronger and I could not get myself out of them (I'm not able to in my daily life either). I suffered a lot. I suffer a lot all the time, but with the remaining of the substance in my system, my suffering became far worse and my thoughts even darker. Though, time was running out and I had obligations. I had no choice but to suck it up and greet my mother as if nothing had happened (she doesn't know that I take psychedelics and she doesn't know that I suffer from MDD). It was really hard. I focused on my puppy who is full of joy to not let anyone know my emotional state. And I took some paracetamol as I started having a headache right away. I kept mentally suffering the entire evening. I just wanted to be in bed to sleep, as I was extremely tired, and didn't have the space (being surrounded by family) to process and feel my emotions. I had a terrible night with many different dreams. And the days after didn't go better. Lessons Coming out from this trip (and these few days), I learned the lesson that I can allow myself to be more patient and accept that my living conditions are not adapted right now for spiritual (and even psychological) work. I had a lot of frustration and guilt, feeling that I was not doing enough (that I could for example wake up very early to trip when every one was sleeping). But after this trip, my level of guilt regarding that got reduced. I think that I can wait to create a better life to do the work I want to do. I even think that waiting is necessary and not a bad thing. I also learned that I won't trip again when being that exhausted. I think that I lost a lot out of the trip because of the tiredness. I plan to do the same dose at some point in the future, in better conditions, to see how different the trip will be. Also, maybe 30 mg would have been enough, but I'm still at the very beginning of learning to know the substances, the quantities, and overall, the different kind of trips possible. So the other reason I can have lost part of the trip (or at least, have that feeling) is if the dose was too high. But I can't know for sure at this point what the real reason was, or if it was the mix of both.

That's called misophonia (maybe look into it for answers). I have it too, so I understand the intensity of it.

Wouldn't it be better to find a longer lasting psychedelic who could produce something similar to that? Even if you can get it sometimes on 5-MeO, the duration is so short it doesn't sound great or practical to use this substance for that use. Reading your example, it made me think about the end of a trip I had on magic truffles. I could see the beauty of everything and the feeling was great. So maybe some other psychedelic could fit better (whether psilocybin or something else).

@OBEler It kind of defeats the whole purpose of 5-MeO-DMT. Maybe another psychedelic would be a better fit for what your are looking for (I don't know which though, nor do I understand the effects you are looking for).

@strangelooper Humans can act more selfish at times and more selfless at other times. I don't see a problem using them as opposites. Consciousness is still selflessness even if there are babies dying of hunger. Consciousness doesn't differentiate between what is perceived as "good" and "bad" by humans. They're are babies dying because humans are selfish - not because consciousness (selflessness) is. Also I'm not just a "projection of the consciousness". I am Consciounsess itself. One cannot just be a projection of consciousness. We are consciousness. And we are being selfish as humans because we get the choice to and choose to, not because "the source projects selfishness on us".

- Being greeted every morning and at random times during the day by my dogs. Hugging them. Watching them being playful together. I offered them toys today and that made them very joyful, which made me happy too. - My phone, car and laptop. I often think of how glad I am to have them. - Actualized.org. Mainly, for the help it provides to answer my existential questions. It is so comforting knowing that this website just exists. I'm also very grateful when I watch a video or do some research on the forum. Though, they don't necessary qualify as "little things". I guess the line is hard to draw and depends from which angle you look at it.

5-MeO-DMT 30 mg This was the best trip I've had so far and one of the best experience of my life. Though, I don't know how I could put this into words. It is very challenging and quite annoying because I'd like to be able to depict my experiences better. I feel that I went deeper in this trip than in my past trips. I had told myself that I would this time remain sitted and keep my eyes open to better observe consciousness. As the trip was coming up, I became completely one with the room. I could see the ceiling as myself and the distinction between me and the room ceased to exist. As the trip went on, I basically could see consciousness with my mind's eye. I realized that I was the entire universe, and that consciousness was infinite. I felt like I could explore consciousness and go into new realms. I had the desire to close my eyes and get comfortable to just enjoy the moment of seeing consciousness so perfectly. With higher doses, I will be able to enter higher and more radical states of consciousness. I have such a calling to explore consciousnesses. The peak and the ''slowing down'' of the trip lasted longer this time too. So I could bask in this awakening longer. It felt so good. I spent the time following the peak reflecting on various things, and one thing I realized was that I could not completely cut myself out from other people's suffering and at large, the suffering of the world. I am hyper sensitive and the suffering of the world has been a challenge since I was a child. These last years, I have completely stopped caring (at least, I convinced myself of that, and that it had stopped affecting me). But it can't. I came to realize that no matter how hard I try, our consciousness is one, and so I cannot live as a separate individual, completely immune to the suffering of the world. As I am a part of it, I am also impacted by the suffering around. But also, I better understood my own suffering in relation to the people I live with (my mother and grandmother). We are having a really difficult time as my grandmother is at the end of her life - we are her caregivers, and we are all in a lot of suffering from this difficult life situation. This trip helped me better understand and accept my suffering in relation to their suffering. I also realized that I had become very egocentric (mainly as a defense mechanism, but still), in the sense that: I suffer so much, I choose not to care anymore about other people's suffering, and so I have become more self-centered. I've been spending the last few weeks catching up on the Actualized.org videos I haven't watch (quite many, as I had felt overwhelmed with feeling so far behind in struggling so much to actualize the more materialistic teachings). The video I was watching yesterday was Understanding The Exquisite Balance Of Life. At some point, Leo was saying that when you're being selfish, you're cutting yourself off from God, because God is Selflessness. I had a direct realization on that in this trip. It made complete sense while listening to him, but it was even more vivid in this higher state of consciousness. It made me want to become more selfless in a healthy way. I also had the insight that I am in charge, in myself, of more than I think of, and that I have the capacity to change myself more than I think I can. I often feel helpless and a victim of the complex working of my mind, which is not too well suited to live in this world (and so it creates a lot of suffering in my daily life). That insight was in relation to that. It gave me a taste, a feeling, that I can change more than I think. Coming out of this trip, I feel very peaceful. I started writing the report by the end of the trip to better remember it. I really wished I had my own place to live to have more opportunities to trip. But moving out will create other kinds of suffering for my mother and grandmother, and thus, it won't completely free myself from my suffering related to them. But at least, tripping more will help me see things I can't see now and change things I can't change now. And so maybe become better at helping them than I am now. I was able to trip these last two days because I was doing some castle sitting for a friend (pretty cool, huh).

5-MeO-DMT 25 mg 22.01.24 This was my fourth 5-MeO-DMT trip. I upped my dose from 20 to 25 mg. My intention was basically to deepen my understanding of Consciousness. My sense of reality started shifting 2 minutes after plugging. (I really wished I had more time to settle before feeling the effects.) The peak happened shortly after. I don't recall a come up. All I had time for was to accept the shift of consciousness as it took place, and then I was in a peak experience. I might repeat myself a lot, but so far my trips share a lot of similarities. I became conscious of being God and the Universe, that I created everything that I ever came into contact with (or simply thought or imagined) and that everything was possible in the field of consciousness. I spent a part of the trip breathing very deeply in my hand (it just happened before I noticed it), realizing that I was God. At time, I would also stop breathing. It felt equally good and profound. As the intensity of the trip was reducing, I tried to get insights on how to change the things that I don't like about myself, the things that make my life difficult (mainly, extreme overthinking and anxiety). But I didn't get any insight on that. The only insight I got back (but which I knew already), was that understanding consciousness is a need for me - not just a desire, but a fundamental need. I wonder how my trips will evolve on higher doses. I would really like to trip on 4-AcO-DMT when I get the chance, as so far my trips on magic truffles were more insightful on changes regarding my personality.

@OBEler Not always, but most of the time. I always place my head under the blankets anyway. My room is pretty cold - I'm pretty bad at decorating and I don't use a heater (the temperature is at 10° C - 50° F), so I just don't like being in there, it is very depressing. I feel better when I cut myself out of it. I think it allows me to delve deeper into consciousness as I don't get heavy thoughts from the cold and sight of the room. I don't have enough experience/memories from tripping with my eyes open with 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT to really be able to talk about it. I do have a vague idea of my consciousness expanding to include the entire room, but that is pretty much all I can say. It will require other trips to observe what is happening with my eyes open (and maybe moving out). I haven't considered this method. Maybe I'll try snorting once out of curiosity. But I didn't think about vaping, though I'd like to learn how to do it for DMT. This substance could be very convenient actually. But I still haven't done the research to find it and know how to vape it efficiently. 5-MeO-DMT is short lasting enough for the time I have, so it's better for me not to reduce the length of the trip. Do you use other methods than plugging?

5-MeO-DMT 20 mg Situation before the trip I don't feel like having a trip, at all. I am feeling terrible for various reasons. I have no desire for anything, I don't even care about understanding Consciousness these days, which is quite bad as it is the thing I care about the most. As I am feeling so bad, the thought of taking a psychedelic of this class is scary as it is radical and quick acting. I don't have a clear mind, so the changes in consciousness could be challenging and painful. And I will have to completely let go of my suffering, which is hard. What tells me to do it anyway is that : 1. I have an available day today and I never know when the next one will be. 2. In normal times, understanding consciousness is my passion and what I want to make my life about. 3. Past trips thought me that tripping was often what I needed most even when I didn't feel like it. 4. I'd like to suffer a bit less to better change my situation, and it could have a positive impact on that, as it did in the past. I decided to go with 5-MeO-DMT as it is short lasting and I just had about 2 hours available for the trip. Ideally, I would have taken psilocybin, but I neither had the time nor the substance. Right before the trip: I took a few more minutes to get myself ready to let go, to get into a neutral state of mind, to get ready to accept the shift in consciousness that was to come and to just let it happen. I had no particular intention for the trip, I just wanted to get more familiar with this substance and get a bit closer to access alien consciousness/intelligence. Trip report As it did last times, the trip started extremely quickly. After just two minutes, the come up started. A few moments later, I was in complete non-duality. I did wear my mindfold mask right after plugging to make the come up easier. As I was already in the dark (''in consciousness''), it was easier not to resist any changes of consciousness and to ''forget'' about myself and the physical reality. I quickly laid down as I didn't have the strength to remain sitted, and I completely let go of my mind and my body as my consciousness shifted to non-duality and infinity. I had a strong taste of infinity in this trip. I started breathing very deeply, exhaling through my mouth, the air blowing against my knees under the blankets. Feeling the warmth of the breath and hearing its sound in this non-dual state was a very deep experience. I started doing it before I realized it, and suddenly became conscious of this from a high-consciousness, non-dual, perspective. There was a feeling of ''being back home'' in this expanded state of consciousness, as the same happened in other trips. That is how I became conscious again of how I am God, Consciousness and Infinity, and how as such, I could explore Infinite Intelligences for eternity. This in itself was already a form of infinite intelligence. That is not a human day to day form of intelligence. And I felt satisfaction from it. What happened also at the same time was that my depression alleviated. But by the end of the trip I had to make a conscious effort not to fall back right into it by mistake (which was happening when I caught it). The peak of the trip lasted for about 30 minutes, but it quite pursued for 20 more minutes. At about that time, I stood up and went back to my day with a clearer state of mind. The entire trip was smoother than I expected. It was not painful in any way and I really, really, loved it. I wish I would have more opportunities to trip, but my current life situation doesn't allow it (I'm working towards changing it - it's taking way longer that I can handle).

As I was reading the Forum yesterday, I stumbled upon this post of Leo written in 2016 answering a comment: Just realize how accurate it is. Many of you think he is deluding himself and that only you have the Truth because you are enlightened or because you cherish enlightenment while Leo doesn't anymore. But why did he stop pursuing enlightenment at some point? Because he got lazy and uninterested and stumbled upon a lower form of consciousness which motivated him to give it up? Or because he stumbled upon a higher form of consciousness making him realize how far from the Truth enlightenment has always been and how unworthy of a pursuit it was for understanding and awakening to all of reality ? Why don't you seriously ponder that - and take the leap to verify that for yourself, doing whatever has to be done to get it. Why are you scared of psychedelics? And why are you scared of dropping your beliefs and to question again your entire experience and enlightenment for a while just to check? It really looks like a lot of you are scared of realizing that you are wrong. Obviously, you don't admit that reason to yourself, you are too convince of being right to even allow yourself to question anymore, to allow yourself to explore psychedelics because you consider them as impure and unworthy of what is… but how can you say that if you haven't done the work to properly use them. You have no way to know. You only have believes and inaccuracies. Is there at least one of you who is still OPENMINDED enough to seriously investigate that? That is my question, and I genuinely wonder. Is there at least one other person on this Forum doing that or willing to do that in a serious manner, especially one of those convinced to be right on Truth but disproving Leo? Do any of you still question yourself and willing to take the leap to use psychedelics? If you are not doing that or willing to do that, your goal has never been to reach a complete understanding of reality and you do not have the Truth. Which is fine, but you are missing something. Something big. And you are deluding yourself and others.