Clarence

Second Trip I plugged 18 mg this time. I became conscious again that I am God. This was another deep awakening, but I still don't know how to change myself or reduce my suffering.

5-MeO-DMT Trip Report This was my first trip with 5-MeO. I plugged 12 mg, freebase. After 4 minutes, I felt the effects kicking in. I didn't expect it to come so fast (I thought I had about 10 minutes). So, I plugged the syringe (on my bed), waited 2 minutes to remove it. As soon as it was out, the effects were starting. I quickly lifted my pants and lied down in bed. I watched the time on my chrono (4 minutes) and closed my eyes. As I was breathing, I became the entire universe breathing. I was becoming so Awake that it was painful. I was conscious in and out of my body (my body mixing with the ''body'' of the universe). After this Awakening, I became conscious that I created Leo to Awaken more. So my realization was that I am God creating Leo. And I, Clarence (both God and ego), is using Leo (both his Godhead and his persona) to Awaken deeper and/or in new ways than him, as him sharing his Awakenings is having an effect on my own Awakenings and understandings. -- It was awesome. I had been waiting to experiment with 5-MeO for so long. This was just a first trip and a starting dose. Though, it was stronger than I expected, but I was more than ready to let go. Still, I thank Leo for teaching to be so cautious. Now I'm super excited to do more. For one more detail, my trip lasted 10 minutes. At the 14 minute mark, I was coming back to myself. So I'm a bit curious to know if other people had powerful trips, but this duration, on 5-MeO-DMT plugged. I thought it was supposed to last for about 40 minutes.

5-MeO-DMT Trip Report In this Awakening, I became conscious of how I created Leo and the Entire Universe to Awaken even more deeply. I also became conscious that Leo invented me so that he could Awaken even more deeply. So I wanted to say ''Hi Leo''. I am you, I am God. And I love having this human experience forgetting that I am God so that I can keep playing in this illusion of being human. I am also ready to start having fun exploring alien consciousness alongside with you. I became conscious that Leo's next breakthrough could be even more powerful than mine, but that I didn't want it to go so fast because playing in this illusion was fun. His future breakthroughs and mine could be one level up to the Big Bang (I felt close to experiencing the Big Bang one more time). This was one level up to my past awakenings. I became One with both matter and Consciousness. I was hyper Conscious and I loved it (all of it, the experience I was having and the human experience I am having the rest of the time). At the same time, it is scary because I love this illusion and I don't want to break out of it completely. I want to keep playing with it. Now I think that going deeper but keeping playing are both possible in this human form and that is amazing. For the procedure this time, I plugged 17 mg. I think that I'm very sensitive to psychedelics, as Leo is as well, because I have few resistances. Maybe my mind/body/brain is well wired for it too. But most importantly, I am ready to let go of my ego and all my (and other's) ideas to allow for deep awakenings. But still, I love this game and don't want to go too fast. The come up was as fast as last time. In 3 to 4 minutes I was in full God Mode. And in 25-30 minutes, I was coming back to normal. I was more calm than last time in the comedown. Less ego involved. And I proceeded to write this report down. I'm curious to know if @Leo Gura has some input to add to my Awakening. These understandings brought me a lot of satisfaction and so I feel calm. But I would be curious to know what kind of resistances you still have (if you want to share), and if some would be similar to mine. Also, if you had similar Awakenings, what were the next steps you took and what happened? I'm just at the beginning of realizing the depth of your work with psychedelics. When I see what happens to me on 17 mg of 5-MeO-DMT, and knowing that you are very sensitive to them too, I can't fathom at all right now what it would be like to take 100 mg, but even half of it or even less. Still… I'm curious. So this might come to me too.

Thank you for your message, @Pudgey. I've actually just had insights on that in the trip I've just had. So your words are really nice to read. They feel very accurate and I could not have expressed it better. I posted a short version of my trip, but in a sense, this insight is the most important I brought back. So thank you for writing this. The plus is that this uniqueness applies to every aspects of one's life, not just to consciousness work, and that's something I need to remind myself a lot of, especially when some teachings don't work for me.

@Davino I do speak from direct experience. I think that the mistake I make is that I want to go as far as him in the domain of God-Realization. I want to reach a complete understanding of God and of Alien Infinity. He repeated on the forum that nobody understood these things better than him, that nobody even knew what it was, that he was the most Awake Being on this planet… things like that (I'm not using his exact words). I think that's fine because from my observations, it is true. But I still want to get to these levels of Awakenings. Maybe I focus on going as far as him too much. That's quite a goal I unintentionally set to myself, which is to make that sentence (''I'm the most''… God-Realized, Infinitely Conscious or whatever) not true anymore. So in my trips, I first Awaken normally, but I then I start wondering how far I went or am going - thus, next to Leo (still in his awakenings before alien consciousness, because I haven't reached that yet). That is why my trips get tainted the way they do. So that's not Leo per se I need to let go of, but the desire of making his statement, that there is only one person who has gone this far in understanding Consciousness, stop being correct. It might actually be very hard for me to fully let that go. It's kind of a dream I'm asked to give up on.

I would not worry too much about that. If it is an intuition you already have, it likely won't change things much. Once back to yourself, you'll mostly see her like you normally do - unless you do a conscious effort not to. And it can be fun to interact with others knowing that you're interacting with yourself. It's just a matter of perspective. The fear of realizing that you are God and that everyone is you must not be nice to live with either…

@OBEler Thank you for sharing. I don't really get though why you trip with these substances if you don't really want to fully surrender (have ego death and God-Realization). They're known to be best suited for that, so your approach is quite a mistery to me…

That's sweet. And your limits are understandable.

@Leo Gura Oh no, I didn't mean that. I know I don't have access to your mind and inner workings. That for me is pretty obvious, I don't even think about these things. Sometimes I vaguely wonder how your mind is working, like I also wonder how it would be like to be somebody else, but that's it. I know I don't have access to that and I don't build anything around it. Even in Awakenings I know that I don't have access to your mind. I also know that you're not talking to me directly and that I don't have a personal relationship with you. But that is so obvious. I thought my last message was already saying that I was conscious of that too. I'm well aware that I'm just some words on your screens… I have discernment on all these things.

@Leo Gura I've just looked up the definition of parasocial relationship. I thought I knew what it was, but I didn't. And I agree that that's something I'm guilty of, even though I've been aware of it. I know it is not something good, but somehow, it reassures me to know that there exists someone who loves things that I love too and who has reached very deep understandings of reality. I lack to see that around me and in a sense, I feel less alone knowing that you're there somewhere, even if I'm still alone and will always be. I still don't want to face that all the time, and I can't face the fact that I don't have anyone to talk to in my life about all this. Every time I've tried with people around me, it felt like a lost cause. They don't know what I'm talking about. I think I would not focus as much on you and on Actualized.org if this was more common worldwide and if I could talk about these things with people around me. The shift of fully disconnecting will require a lot of acceptation. And I think that deepening my understanding of reality itself will help, because that's the reason why you interest me so much in the first place. But I still love being guided, because it accelerates my growth process. It's actually very hard to distinguish between the fantasy and the real you. But this is something I find hard to do on anyone, including on myself. I feel like you can never fully know someone, and this obviously applies here. So I realize that I don't know you, but I still think I know parts of you. You've shared about yourself, directly or indirectly. You're not hiding completely who you are. What you write, what you share, the way you express yourself, all of that tells me something about you. All my interpretations might no be correct, but unless you are lying a lot, most of them are correct in my general way of reading people. Still, I realize that you don't share everything. For a matter of time, a matter of privacy, a matter of relevance… Maybe there are very deep parts of you (and/or not that deep parts of you) that you've never talked about or that you've never let us see. I'm conscious that I don't know. I'm also conscious that people change and that I can't ever know for certain what is past and what is present. But I still think that there is a continuum which I can see or sense. All of this knowing and not knowing come into the equation of my own perception of you. And I cannot not have a perception of you. I still try to keep it minimal and remind myself that I don't know. I still have projections because I like not feeling alone, but for the most part, I think I know what my projections are. And parasocial relationships are pretty tricky. But I'll save myself by saying that all relationships are tricky.

@OBEler So far, I don't find it hard to let go on 5-MeO-DMT. I could have let go more to go deeper and/or in different directions, but the experience I was having was already very new and profound, and I let myself have it. Next time I'll do the experience of keeping letting go to see how far I can do so and how different the trip will be. Maybe one thing I find hard on 5-MeO-DMT is that it hits so strongly so fast. I think I actually like that, but it is surprising at first. And also, as the difference between my body and Consciousness was collapsing, it physically hurt in my head. The level of pain was fluctuating, maybe like if it was the process of the body changing level of consciousness. It felt a bit like if my brain was not used to/initially made for so much consciousness. I don't know if that is a common experience on 5-MeO-DMT nor if it will just be this time for me, but I still feel like it hits hard on my body compared to other psychedelics and that is not so smooth. Funny you say that. I've actually ordered 5-MeO-MALT first, but the waiting time was so long that I ordered 5-MeO-DMT a few days after and it arrived much quicker. So I'll soon be trying it! I'm also very curious to know how it will be like. What about your experiences? You seem to be well familiar with them.

@OBEler Thank you. Well, most of the things I learned, I learned from Leo! He also teaches how to let go. However, on a more personal level, maybe I'm not too attached to me either. I'm still doing things to survive (I don't want my body to die, per se) and I take myself ''seriously'' (which means that when I get rejected, it hurts). But I've suffered so much and I still suffer so much, that I don't care to mentally die/let go of me. I want to understand why I am on this Earth, what I am, and what Reality is more than anything else. That is the only thing that still matters to me (at that level). So I want it so much that it becomes easy to let go. I also don't care about suffering more. I really don't care anymore (Leo also teaches that, even if I don't add much nuance here) So I'm not scared of having a bad trip either. I had one, which was experiencing my suffering x10, but it still ended up well. So I think that I can handle bad trips, that I can handle a lot of suffering, and that bad trips can be great too. (This thinking about bad trips might change later, I don't know). So these might be some of the things that come into play. It's a bit weird to me as well to get things quickly as a beginner (this was my 9th trip total). I don't feel super legitimate to speak about my experiences at this point, but I think that I can still do it because I've done a lot of contemplation work and I can't get things completely wrong. That's also interesting for me to have feedbacks because then I have things to check or recheck. And it's also a way to face my biggest fear when I'm sober. Being here is a challenge.

@Leo Gura Thank you. Next time I'll try to let go at the moment my awakening brings something about you. I'll see what happens. At the same time, it's true that I am you, like I am everybody else. The difference is that you said it directly to me/to all of us (''you are me'' or ''you are Leo'') many times, and as I'm learning from you, I have this echo back at me when I Awake - even though I'm not thinking about that when I take the psychedelic. It happens spontaneously. I guess you understand what I am saying. And I understand that it is something to let go of. I asked questions about what to do next. I'm actually starting to feel ready to trip again (won't be able to before a few days). I thought it would take longer because this one was mentally and physically hard (I had a headache for several hours after, something that is extremely rare for me - and during the trip, it felt hard on my head particularly). But I'm happy to notice that this feeling I had right after the trip of needing to wait longer has calmed down.

I agree with what you say, but I feel ready to start again. And as much as there is no reason to rush, there is no reason to wait. Part of the integration will actually be to do it again but a bit differently. I'm still overexcited, but I can't really help it. I think that I just have to burn through it. Have you also had short trips on particular doses of 5-MeO-DMT?

I was just thinking that one of the reasons my trip might have been short was because I was super excited prior to taking the psychedelic as well as right after the peak. I feel like my excitement can sober me quickly once I have a glimpse back to myself. So maybe this strong emotional state is another reason.

I'm killing myself already… so by definition, I am killing him as well

I think it kind of makes sense that he does. In my case, it's like if I was in a constant inner monologue between me and him as I'm constantly thinking about the things he shared and wonder what will be directly expercienced by me in trips. So he has become a part of me, in a sense, and this shapes my Awakenings. Thanks, I'll try to remove it quicker next time. I thought it could spill if I didn't wait a bit, but maybe not. That would be more convenient.

Thanks, I think a bit of both would make sense. I wondered if there could have been other reasons, but I guess not likely. My trips on other psychedelics also felt quite short (about 2h for psilocybin and 4-5h for 1P-LSD), but I still had some mild affects after, so the short duration was not as obvious. 5-MeO-DMT was far more radical (immediate peak and immediate back to normal after the peak). It was really weird. Hope to last longer and go deeper next time.

Do you have any idea why it could be so short? I'll try again tomorrow with a bit more substance to see if the same happens.

Thank you I must say it's a really weird feeling after having been behind the screen for so long.

My initial post got locked, but I was asked to share about my backstory. I will do so here. I didn't think it was relevant, but apparently it is. Basically, I was born in Belgium in 1996 (French is my mother tongue and I don't like expressing myself in English so much). I grew up with my mother and my sister. My father died when I was young. I faced a lot of suffering and rejection already as a child because there was something different about me. Others kept reflecting to me my difference and I didn't do well socially. I developed at a very young age a very deep sense of not knowing what I was. What we were doing here, what was existence. Why there was something rather than nothing. After kindergarten, elementary school and high school, I signed up to study Philosophy at University. I thought these studies were the most likely to help me in my desire for understanding and for dealing with my suffering. I was wrong. It only got more confusing as I wasn't getting any answers. But it was better than doing nothing. I discovered Actualize.org at that time. I searched on the internet for ''How To Study''. And I watched my first video from Leo. I continued my studies for two years, I tried to improve my methods to become a better student and I tried to create a vision for myself. My struggles though, combined with my deepest desires, lead me to drop out of university to go live in a monastery. I realized that becoming a monk, working on my own Enlightenment and helping others get Enlightened was the most meaningful thing I could do with my life. I didn't care at all about money and success. All I wanted was understanding and doing something meaningful. It was a Buddhist Monastery of the Vietnamese tradition (Plum Village). I arrived there at 21 years old, wishing to take the vows to become a monastic for life. But the more I was getting in, the less it was making sense to me. I was not learning there all of the deep stuff Leo was sharing. We were not even really allowed to read books from other teachers nor trying to gain understanding from other places as an aspirant or a young monastic. I also talked to them about psychedelics and they made me feel that I wasn't in the right place. I suffered a lot because I thought I had found my life purpose. But after living there for nine months, I left. Coming back home, I dealt with a very long and deep episode of depression. I could not manifest any of the teachings I was learning from Actualized.org and I hated myself for keeping failing over and over. Slowly healing from this episode, I decided that the best I could do was to find a part-time job that was not too demanding and spend as much time as I could learning from Leo and other teachers. Though, I've spent more time on Leo's website than on any other. All that mattered to me was to understand what I was and what Reality was, and he was the one expressing it the most clearly. Depression and anxiety kept coming in the way, but I kept doing the best I could with what I had. I had my first psychedelic trip in August of last year. I had been waiting for that moment since I was at University. And, for the first time, I could finally have a direct experience of what Leo was teaching (I had my first Awakening - which was not a God-Realization). I had different types of Awakenings after that, but they were not adding anything new, anything that Leo or others hadn't already shared, and they were just my first baby steps into the field. I knew I still understood nothing. Now, yesterday's Awakening felt different. I felt that I was understanding something new, which was that I had a capacity to intuitively get Leo's teachings and to Awaken to the Realizations that I knew he had had rather quickly, a capacity that most people may not have. It felt like I had a gift, in a sense. From that, I just wanted to share that: ''I exist, I'm here''. I know that Leo knows that he is God. And I know that I am God. And Leo might not know how much another human being right now may know these two things (hence the statement ''I am the most Awaken thing that there is'' - it was on that realization, the realization that I am God awakening to the knowledge that there is at least one other God-Realized human on Earth and awakening directly to him, to his Godhead). My whole point was to share this. There is no other place on this planet where I can do so. Even my closest friends don't know what I am talking about and it pains me, because I'd like to share these things with someone who understands them too. However, and this might be the most important part of my backstory: I realize that Leo knows more and understands more than I do. He had so many trips and Awakenings and I had very few. He studied so many fields and understands so many aspects of Reality better than I do. I know that. The point was not to say that I believed I knew more than Leo. It's still not the case and I still have a lot to learn, to understand, and to directly Realize. But my Awakening felt like I was the first having this Awakening (both the first and the second one). It was beyond Sollipsism (I had an Awakening to Sollipsism prior to that). The first Awakening I shared on my post was more like Leo's Infinity Of Gods Awakening, but with a twist. The second was more of a deepening of the first one, the Realization that this was actually something new, something that nobody else may (could) have awoken to before. And I felt like I wanted to share that, for myself, because it felt right to do so, and for the world, if it could be of any use. In the end, what others think of this doesn't really matter to me. And I might also be deluding myself and figure this out later on (but it didn't seem like it, it felt like one of the possible facets of awakening). Finally, the numbers don't matter either. I am not focusing on that. I know that we are basically manifesting for ourselves the reality we believe in, so I try to keep a clear and open mind as much as I can. I want to go deeper than that and understand things at other, deeper, and new levels (put simply, exploring Consciousness more and more, and all aspects of Consciousness). But honestly, the synchronicity of the numbers is still funny to watch. The chances were quite low to happen in that way if we think about it. So this manifested to me as if I was witnessing Devine Intelligence, a devine design. It added something much more profound to my Awakening to see this from God's Mind. So I am not putting Leo on a pedestal, even if it seems like so in a sense and even if I am doing so in a sense. I'm rather learning from him because he is a very special human considering where most humans are at right now, and expanding my own consciousness doing what he teaches. I'm actually detaching myself more from him and from others than I ever did before. But obviously, I still have a lot to learn from him because he is sharing a life's worth of work in front of me and because he is accessing the deepest levels of awakening and understanding before I will. -- Sorry if I don't answer back to reactions straightaway. I still deal with a lot of social anxiety, which I am working on. I would never have written anything on this forum if I had never had these awakenings. I might answer to reactions at some point if there are any, but I just freeze if I don't have the time to ponder my thoughts before reacting.

@Breakingthewall There is much more to understand and to become conscious of in life. For me, the Beauty is in getting new and more understandings. Maybe you could contemplate why you don't want to try to understand even more. You could also try to have an Awakening to God. Your vision would likely change. Six years ago when I went to the monastery, I pretty much wanted what you explain. I wanted to live from that place, to silence the mind and to be one with reality. I thought I would be free and happy if I accomplished that and that it was one of the highest desires. But with time I realized that to actualize that in everyday life was much trickier than it seemed. And so I was neither free, nor happy, nor satisfied. I came to the conclusion that I needed to have Awakenings and God-Realizations to really know what it was and what my priorities would become. I could not have continued on a path which was leading me nowhere. The interesting thing is that I'm becoming more free now that I'm having these Realizations. So this was the right decision for me, and so I believe that you could benefit from that too.

@Breakingthewall Basically, what you are saying is that your ego wants to be free more than it wants to understand because it thinks that understanding all of Reality won't bring freedom and because it thinks that to understand the Infinite is impossible. But the desire to be free also comes from the ego. Personally, I actually find the desire to understand for the sake of understanding less egotistical than the desire for freedom. I'd love to be free and not suffer, but the path you are describing doesn't seem realistic to me. Are you living from that place of freedom, and how did you attain it? Also, have you had God-Realizations?

@Breakingthewall Thank you. I understand what you are saying, but why would you want total openness to the now more than Absolute Understanding? Understanding is more fundamental to me than dropping the Self, structure and mind. I'm not even sure to what extent one could drop the Self (it is not the ego, unless you mean it that way). Why would you want to be left with nothing? Total openness and no mind are also relative realizations. Awakenings are actually more Absolute than that, despite the fact that you can always go deeper. I find that to Awaken, to understand all of Reality, and so to understand Yourself, to be much more meaningful.