Clarence

@enchanted Thank you…

I'm in a very difficult place right now. I live with my mother and my 93 years old grandmother. We are all struggling and suffering for our own reasons and living together is made very difficult. My grandmother needs constant care and attention, which means my mother and I don't have any freedom and we have to serve her for everything. This has been going on for three years. We're both out of energy and even out of patience with her, but there's not much we can do to help her to understand that. Her mind is not working well enough anymore. She forgets everything we tell her or she doesn't understand what we try to explain… as a result, she keeps getting on our nerves. My life has been on hold because of that, but I would feel terribly guilty to leave them. It would be terrible for my mother because I am a support for her (we're in this together), but for my grandmother also because any change is strongly affecting her mind for the worse. I'd like to leave the house, but I have a low income as I am not free to work because of the presence my grandmother needs and as my mental health is really bad. I think I would still be able to rent an appartment, but all of my money would go on food, rent and bills. And, I would still have to spend half of the week in my mother's house to look after my grandmother (so, full rent for half living). I'm really wondering if I'm right or wrong about feeling bad about abandonning them, and wondering how I could think about the situation differently. My psychiatrist just tell me to leave the house, but I don't feel it's so simple - at least it's not for me. And she doesn't really offer me new perspectives on my issues. I really struggle to find a way out. A better life for me would be to live alone, work on my health and my mental health, and then get to know my values, my life purpose, and to deepen my spiritual understanding - put simply, to have time and space to develop myself. But I'm completely stuck in this family life situation. I've been waiting for my grandmother to pass… but who knows how much longer she'll be with us. It also induces guilty feelings to think in this way. And likely when she'll die, I'll still feel like I need to stay for my mother as a support, as she'll be devastated and won't receive much support from other people. That makes me foresee that I could be waiting indifinitely if I'm not careful, and I know this is not what I want despite being out of touch with my life and my self right now. But still, the attachment is strong and I feel like leaving, even for half the week, is a terrible option for them and for me. It feels like all options are bad and my thinking is currently very blurry and confused. @Leo Gura I'd be interested to know your opinion on a situation like this.

@mmKay Okay. I will take your example as a first statement. - It is absolutely okay to be selfish. I do not owe anything to anyone. It is not my job to save others from suffering. - It is okay to not have all the answers yet, to be unsure about what my purpose is or of what it could be. - Where I am now and the suffering I face will not last forever. I will eventually find cures or solutions not to suffer forever. I will find what makes me happy and what will bring peace to my life. (And I will find these solutions and cures pretty soons… like in the coming months). - I will understand why it is that I feel like my brain is not super efficient in regulating hormones. I will get to know if I just make that up as an "excuse" or if there is an actual dysfunction. (It might come from my diet). - I can regain (or find a way to regain) strength, willpower and clarity of thinking. - It is okay to not be as good as Leo or others here in applying self-help material into my life. We all have different life conditions, brain chemistries and personalities, and we're not all as able to do the same things in the same amount of time. - It is okay to have priorities that are not self-serving and that completely reshape one's life. (I guess it is, it's quite in conflict with the first statement). - It is okay to take time for oneself in order to heal. And it is okay to ask for help. There is no necessity to feel guilt and shame for that. - It is okay to change in front of people, especially family. It is okay if my mood and character changes. It is okay if how I behave changes. And it is okay to change back into how I was if I fail. It is okay if they point out changes to me, even though I absolutely hate being seen. Maybe I could find other statements, but so far that's what I have. @k-ahmadzadeh We actually have caregivers who come every Monday so I have a free day. And I've asked a week ago to have a second free day during the week. I think this could help a lot for appointments and such. But I also want to move because there are many changes that are harder to do while staying home, like changing eating habits, adopting a more positive outlook on life, taking psychedelics, and so on. Also I live in the countryside… I'd like to move near a city to have more facilities. So that's true that more free time could help in the meantime, but there are also a lot of downsides to that (having a stranger coming in the house, worrying about how they will "care" for our 4 greyhounds while they're there, and so on). We did a great job creating a complicated life :). That's true though that it is much less expensive than moving out… Maybe I should find a solution in that for a few more months or until my grandmother passes…

@mmKay I think that the biggest beliefs I have are that: - I shouldn't feel bad. - I shouldn't have a victim-like mindset even in situations I can't fully control, because this mindset is completely wrong and despicable. - I should't feel like a victim of my mind. - My mind should work better (for exemple, send me hormones that make me feel good when I do something good, like finishing an important task, doing some work, doing some physical exercice). - I should want to have a life purpose. - I should be positive and add value to the word in some way and so I shouldn't have too much negative energy within me. - I should do more and be better. - I should more actively try to change myself, to more actively try to control my thinking and how I feel, and be able to change how I feel however how my life is. - I should be able to change much more quickly. I am waisting time while life is short. - People should not be cruel, mean or stupid, but I should be capable of accepting humanity as it is, so I am the one at fault here too. So my core beliefs are that everything that is wrong is me/within me, and external reality is just as it is/as it should be. Though, I wish I was born on another planet with more advanced beings, and so I wish I was myself one of those more advanced beings on that other planet. But that is a side note, because I know this can't be another way now and it is a bit easier to accept than the rest (or rather, I try to believe that I accept that more easily). As I know the only thing I can do about that here is to reach alien intelligences and stuffs like that, and I get excited about this too (but just slightly because my mind doesn't give me strong "excitment hormones" either). It doesn't make me feel worse to think about those things because I constantly am thinking about them… so they're more conscious than unconscious. But I really struggle about the accepting part. I sometimes really try to accept a situation, something that happened, or just that I am not perfect. But I can spend hours trying, and it still wouldn't work, as if I had extremely strong patterns in my mind that I can't break. It really feels solid, and the part of me that wants to change that or accept things is not strong enough or clever enough. I can't see what I do wrong nor why I can't succeed at that, at accepting and changing. Now, if everything I just wrote above was really untrue, meaning… I should feel bad, my mind should not send me feel good hormones, I shouldn't do more and I shouldn't be better, I shouldn't be able to change quickly, etc. I feel a slight relief, but it is so slight I barely notice it.

Hahaha good point. That's a pretty bad habit I have… I think it is the fact that I am not doing well mentally and that I can't find a way to improve how I feel. As a result, I'm not doing as much as I'd like to at home, and it is very challenging also to find the strength to leave half of the week. I feel ashamed and guilty for struggling so much and for not finding solutions - I feel like I'm at the opposite end of what Actualized.org is teaching. I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist, a neuropsychologist, and energetic healers, but all of this combined is not powerful enough - or I haven't been doing them for long enough or not properly enough. I feel some despair and worries for the future because nothing seems to help. Psychedelics I also tried despite the lack of time I have for myself, but as the conditions are bad, they tend to bring me bad trips. My psychiatrist talked to me about trying s-ketamine, but it wouldn't be possible to try the treatment as I would have to leave the house for two days, and I don't want to let my mother know why, so it's too complicated while I'm here. And I don't want to take other kind of medecines. So I feel guilty for failing all the time and for not doing things right, for not being positive and energetic enough for my family and for myself.

The halfway option could be to rent a place to live half of the week in. But this wouldn't be easy financially and mentally as it would be a hard shift to switch places twice a week. And I still wouldn't be much freer, so it's hard to decide whether it's worth the investment in money and worry. Thanks… though the desperation is already eating me alive. This decision would actually be made out of desperation, which isn't ideal. But it's really hard to conceive staying stuck for a few more years either. It's a really though exercise. I can't decide how it will unfold… I don't know how much longer my grandmother will live nor if she will die suddenly or after having disminished a lot more. But I feel like I will have many regrets wathever happens. I'll feel guilty for not having been more patient and present with her, and for not having helped my mother more - even if that is due to my health/lack of wellbeing. Maybe that tells me that I should figure out why I feel so much guilt. I think that this was transmitted to me from my mother, because she is feeling a lot of guilt as well. But right now, I haven't figured out where it comes from exactly, nor how I could change it. How you summarize my situation sounds quite correct, but to leave them to live in my car and to work full time is not realistic for me. It would worsen my health a lot. That's not really how it works here because the feeling I should care for my mother is within me. There's not really something she could sign that would improve the situation.

Yes, she is being selfish, but that is due to her age. She absolutely isn't in her normal headspace anymore (for exemple, she won't remember if she had dinner an hour ago, and she'll sometimes be doubtful when we tell her she did). It's a challenge not to blame her. We understand her brain is at fault, but as we sacrifice our entire life for her wellbeing, it is hard when she won't believe we gave her food. The reason she lives with us is because my mother has worked in nursing homes and so she closely knows the mistreatment that happens there. She didn't want that for her mother because of the bond they have. Despite the difficulty and the fact that she's not herself anymore, she dread losing her. My grandmother is from other generations. She was born in 1931 and grew up with her grandparents. At this point, she thinks it is the normal going of things that we care for her and she is not able to understand that it is a sacrifice of our life. As a result, she'll keep asking for more, but to reason with her only works for an hour maybe. Then she forgets and do it again. Yes… it make's it harder to apply Leo's teachings and to do self-help in general. And I don't see many people being in the same situation, so I don't have references or ideas on how to cope or mix the two. Maybe that's what I should do… but that is so hard to even think about. I already feel guilty for leaving the house for one day - they induce that in me with the words they use and emotions they have when I say I leave and when I come back. It's hard to conceive a more selfish move, like leaving the house for half the week. I know I'm being selfish anyway, but that feels so bad I'm still unsure whether it's right. Though… I think it could be, as whenever a small contradiction happens with my mother, all I want is to leave. But I don't know whether I have the strength in me to do it, as I'm completely out of energy. Thank you for sharing some of your story and perspective.

I love that you gave the answer, it was more powerful for me that way, especially in the way it was delivered. But I guess it is very subjective. Thank you for the video. I realize that the biggest trap I fall into is that I avoid doing things and making decisions as I am extremely scared of doing the wrong thing. That fear is so deeply ingrained into my psychology that I don't know at this point if I ever will be able to completely release it. It also depletes me from my vital energy as I am in a constant state of hesitation and doubt, which worsen the trap I'm into, as the lack of energy makes decision making even more difficult. If I'm not mistaken… it will be a life long journey to get out of that trap. Two other major traps I fall into is the lack of self-love and the lack of self-esteem. A very deep lack of these two make the fact of simply existing very painful. But those are also very hard to transform and I'm still unsure whether I'll be able to one day. It's a terrific mixture.

Correct… I love such events for that reason. They sooth me because they bring my full attention to the present moment, which is very hard for me to do otherwise. I'll try to think of strategies. I think that many aren't strong enough for me. I can keep a negative mood for an entire run and I can't keep my attention on a movie (unless I really love it but I'm very picky). I think I'll have to experiment with different options, but I like the idea. Having a strong desire to practice not dwelling in emotions by focusing on other activities instead is probably what matters most… Good advice (I think), but very hard to put into practice. It's one of those things I'm not sure what I need to do exactly or whether I'm doing it right.

For some background, I am autistic and I've been facing a lot of rejection since childhood because of my differences. I am now extremely sensitive to rejection - I will, for exemple, sense the slightest change in the facial expression of the person I talk to and adapt the way I act and talk to avoid being of annoyance to them. Thus I've learned how to mask (to some extent) my autism and how to adapt to the person I talk to to be liked and not rejected. I also hold myself to high standards and I don't want to say things that are wrong, stupid, useless, or expressed in ways that are not smart and wise. When I make a mistake of such kind, I feel intense remorse and shame, which reinforces the feeling that I have to overthink and go through all the potential "wrongs" of my thinking before expressing myself. As a consequence to all of that, I censor myself a lot. In real life, but also on the forum. I'd like to be more free, spontaneous, lighthearted, but it seems like I just can't. I'd like to be a more active member of the forum because we share interests I am passionate about, and because I want to be more social, but it feels like I never have something to say, something that will add real value to the conversation. It also feels wrong to me to express myself on topics that I don't fully master, and I don't fully master the topics. When I think I do have an opinion on something and that it is close to the truth, I wonder what the point to even try sharing what I think is; people will not care or reflect as much as I do, or I might be missing something important in my own reflexion and thus feel stupid later. I've been quite stuck in these thought loops for years. I'm stuck between wanting to learn to be more carefree and social at times, and in constantly questioning the usefulness and validity of my words - and of my own existence as a human being among others. One fault I have as an autistic person is that I am extremely rigid. It is harder for me than it is for the average person to change the way I think and do things. This significantly hinders my ability to grow and to heal. And it plays a big role in my inability to stop censoring myself on the forum. I'm not even sure if there is a solution for me as it would require to change core traits of character. And I'm not sure whether that is possible or not. But a lot of the time… I'd like to be able to.

I was not talking about truth per se, but about participating on the forum in general; about sharing an opinion on a topic, asking a question, answering a comment, etc. I also read - just now on Wikipedia - positive things about autism and MDMA. So I think it could be something to try and see how I respond (not especially in social settings). Was it the experience you've had if you've ever tried?

Why? I'm not very familiar with MDMA. P.S. I'm from the Ardennes and I don't speak Flemish, so I can't help I don't think that's how I am, but I have many triggers as I have over-sensitive senses and as I quite dislike stupidity. That makes me an agreeable judging person Even though I judge people in my head, I never express it and I feel guilty for having those thoughts. They come to me even though I don't want to be judgmental. So I'm both judmental and accepting of other's limitations at the same time, if that makes sense. Did you follow a particular process to desensitize yourself? Was it all done through thinking? And did you do that all by yourself? It's hard for me to picture what you did exactly that worked.

Yes, I'm conscious it is from my standard and that it is very arbitrary. I also think I have a lot of awareness of my thoughts and feelings, but I don't know how to control them. Maybe it's a matter of technique which I still have to find. When you say it's possible to control and regulate your emotional reaction, do you have something specific in mind on how to do it? Indeed, I can't make a model of what my thoughts, emotions and actions mean… I also had to learn to read people and I think I got quite good at it. Someone made me realize not long ago that neurotypical people were not as attuned to reading micro-expressions and body language as I am. It's like if I over-compensated with what I didn't have naturally. But it's quite annoying to be that observant. I think it holds me back, because I'm in my mind observing rather than reacting and living. I've tried in the past. I did notice relief on the moment, but the ruminations would come back shortly after, so I didn't keep a positive memory of journaling. But if I don't find other options, I will eventually give it a second chance. Thanks for your above explanations. Those are great suggestions. I think it would be good for me to find an activity like this, but one that suits my personality. I don't have much idea right now of what I could do instead of pick-up or improvisation, but there definitely must exist something. (I would stand out too badly in an improvisation class. I'm not ready for that. I couldn't even say a single word.)

Yes… you're right, I'm the one expecting that from me. I also find it easier to forgive others for their mistakes than it is to forgive myself for mine. I'm not really scared about pissing people of because I'm careful not to most of the time, but I'm scared to be attacked by someone despite my effort not to be attacked, because it really hurt my self-esteem. I know it's all in my mind, but somehow I can't break free from it. Right now we're having a sunny day which I've been waiting for months. Yet I can't feel joy, happiness or contentement, though I badly need it. I don't understand why my brain doesn't give me those positive feelings/neurotransmitters. It's tiring. Without that, my mind feels foggy and I'm not relaxed enough to get touched by others and still be calm and solid. I'm pretty judgmental myself… and I'm pissed off all the time. I think that plays a role in the judgment I also hold towards myself. What I can't allow to others, I can't allow to myself (for exemple, someone eating in a train drives me crazy; as a result, I won't eat in a train because I know how distressful that is - yet I will keep getting hurt by people eating in trains). There are so many things I need to work on to make my life liveable it's overwhelming.

Hahahaha yes right It's hard for me to get that "fighter" mentality. I can't feel joy, desire, exctitement, etc. Pain and mental turmoil are bringing me down. I thought psychedelics could help switch and reverse that, but so far it hasn't work. I have some difficulty believing that anything will help at this point, especially pushing myself more, as I can't find and feel anything that is motivating enough to be worth fighting for. Though I still haven't completely given up - or I would be dead. I think major change could happen once I will move to my own place.

No no no no no @Schizophonia… Here you go, this one much better, with major cities and all I don't even know how you could find such a map :p. Do they teach you that at school in France?

Thanks @Davino. It would be interesting to try MDMA. Though I guess it wouldn't be as efficient for writing on a forum. But I'll try exposing myself some more and see if I notice some improvement with time… Interesting… but I'm even too autistic for martial arts. Such movements or screams don't compute in my brain. It's a bit like dancing - I absolutely can't connect music and body movements. It's quite an extreme disconnection I have.

Thanks again to all of you ; @StarStruck, @Sugarcoat, @Bobby_2021, @Schizophonia, @Basman, @LastThursday, @Princess Arabia. I'll see if I can make some adjustments. I still wanted to ask, how do you feel or let go when you say something you later realize was not smart enough or was incorrect, or when somebody "hurts your feelings" and you really care about what they said? - I'm talking here on the forum especially. I know it's not right, but I think I identify my sense of self more with the outside than the the inside, so all of this really touches me. How I feel and think I am is very dependant to the outside world (how people treat me, how I think I am perceived by others, what happens to me, the emotional reactions I have, etc). As a result of that, I have no idea who I am from the inside. I can't even understand what "know who you are" means. For me it's very intangible and etheric/mental, and I can't put my finger on what that "me" as a human is. And I don't know how to developp a stronger sense of self. So if someone knows how a strong sense of self - a secure, independant, tangible sense of self - can be developped and what "who you are" as a human consciousness actually means, I'd be happy to hear. (Who I am as God consciousness is far easier for me to grasp, just to clarify it is the human self only I am refering to).

Thank you all for your answers. I feel relieved after reading your positive feedbacks. I went to bed anxious and woke up with my chest even more tight… but now I can breathe again (until I post this comment hahaha). It's really hard to change my self-talk and to talk myself into a way out of it. I read Leo commenting a few times about BPD. I don't have that condition, but I have AvPD which seems to be close to me in terms of intensity. And I'd say I have the intesity of emotions people with BPD have. I'm far more sensitive than average, and I have extreme emotional reaction whenever something unpleasant happens (if someone criticizes me at work or if someone ignores me, or whatever else). @Ninja_pig Thanks for your message. I actually have great friends which I am comfortable around, but it doesn't ease my overall discomfort. I think that you are right on the "focus on accepting yourself and loving yourself more". I think that's what it is, the main problem I have, I absolutely hate myself and I remind myself all the time that I'm an idiot (though realistically, I think I am more intelligent than many people). But I don't know how to change those deep feelings. It's like trying to love your absolute worse enemy. It's really really hard. Meditation and self-help worsened my feelings towards myself. I had to stop and distance myself from them both at some point because they were doing more harm than good. I regard journaling in a similar way, but maybe it would be something to try again. I'm still open to do more psychedelics for that, but so far, it hasn't been helpful, unfortunately. The last trip I had was a bad trip on this exact issue. I also like your two last sentences! @Sugarcoat The problem is that I cannot just tell myself "but that's ok". I do try, but the reality is that it's not ok, regrets or cringe moments, will send me into downward spirals of intense negative feelings I can't control. I try to use reason to calm myself down and to let go of my thoughts to ease my feelings, but it isn't efficient. I will suffer deeply for a few days, sometimes a few weeks, and just then my emotional reaction will start to pass. So forcing myself into sharing, knowing it will likely cause that, doesn't feel like a right move for me. At least, that's how I feel deep down, though it might sound like excuses and weaknesses. Somehow, I'm really harsh on myself already and "forcing myself", adding hardship on top of that, is intensifying my mental distress. @trenton Thanks for sharing. In the end, what did help you the most? Was it the reflections themselves that did end up transforming you, or was there something on top of them? I find what you say to be insightful, but I wonder if that is enough to transform deeply ingrained fears and patterns of thoughts. I don't think moralism is what drives me, but the overal idea can translate to what I do. @Bobby99 So… you feel good in heated arguments? That's so far from how I feel haha. You don't disappoint yourself or feel bad about yourself when you write something too fast and then realize it was not smart? @Princess Arabia You're right, we're often dissatisfied with what we are or what we do. I'm mostly dissatisfied with how I feel. Well, people don't even have to think something about me… I'll think badly about me for them x) So maybe I should not pay attention to what I think, but my mind just won't stop. I try to let go, but my will to let go is not as strong as the thinking and feeling patterns I've been reinforcing for years. I try, but my thinking and emotions are obsessive and strong. They nearly feel tangible, as if they were set in stone. Yes, you're right, that was me Leo inspires me, maybe a bit too much and I'm skiping steps. I want to reach hyper-mind more than anything while I can't even write two words on a forum without feeling threatened ^^ I'll go back to more serious tripping when my living conditions will have improved. I don't live on my own yet and I realized that tripping in between stressful moments wasn't good for me. Thanks though for your feedbacks! @Schizophonia It's good to know that you got improvement from changing your diet! It's definitely something I want to try once I'll move on my own. Did you follow a particilar method? I'm quite overwhelmed with the quantity of informations and possible diets. That's a good point too. I still have to figure out what kind of concrete stuff to do, but I can see how it could relieve symptoms! Which psychedelics helped you the most? And did you trip with a particular intention or state of mind? Belgium is not a French region… it's the country I am from Right between France, Germany and the Netherlands :).

35 mg 5-MeO-MALT 02.19.24 I don't have a proper report to write down, but I will still share my experience and my ''mistakes''. I went into the trip at about 1h30 pm, hungry and thirsty (I don't eat nor drink the day I trip to avoid getting any nausea). The morning had been rough. I had had an appointment with my psychiatrist and then I had some shopping to do. So I was outside, thinking, walking, being surrounded by people and noise for four hours, and all of that on an empty stomach. Plus, the day before had been very long and challenging. When I sat on my bed, the syringe in my hand, I felt exhausted. I wanted to sleep, but having very few opportunities to trip and wanting to become more decisive - so to stop changing my mind all the time, I took the substance. I didn't feel scared, just tired, and it still felt like I had more to gain than to lose. But the trip went faster than me. I couldn't properly keep up and observe the experience. I had memories from the morning and previous day that were coming up, and I couldn't tell if they were past, present, real or imaginary. I didn't know if they had happened or if I was making them up, and I couldn't make the difference between the past and the present. There was a sense of confusion. It was not scary though and not surprising either because I am conscious that everything is imaginary. I enjoyed experiencing the imaginary nature of reality in this direct way, but I was unable to tell how much of this ''weirdness'' was caused by my tiredness or by the substance. The trip lasted about 2 hours, but it felt much shorter, like if I had missed parts of the trip (maybe not, but maybe I did). When I stood up to turn off the light, I noticed that I was not walking straight, and that my movements were not very coordinate, going too fast, and so they were more difficult to execute. As the trip was ending, I started contemplating, as I did in my last trip, but instead of being inspired, I entered a very dark place. My worries and negative thoughts became stronger and I could not get myself out of them (I'm not able to in my daily life either). I suffered a lot. I suffer a lot all the time, but with the remaining of the substance in my system, my suffering became far worse and my thoughts even darker. Though, time was running out and I had obligations. I had no choice but to suck it up and greet my mother as if nothing had happened (she doesn't know that I take psychedelics and she doesn't know that I suffer from MDD). It was really hard. I focused on my puppy who is full of joy to not let anyone know my emotional state. And I took some paracetamol as I started having a headache right away. I kept mentally suffering the entire evening. I just wanted to be in bed to sleep, as I was extremely tired, and didn't have the space (being surrounded by family) to process and feel my emotions. I had a terrible night with many different dreams. And the days after didn't go better. Lessons Coming out from this trip (and these few days), I learned the lesson that I can allow myself to be more patient and accept that my living conditions are not adapted right now for spiritual (and even psychological) work. I had a lot of frustration and guilt, feeling that I was not doing enough (that I could for example wake up very early to trip when every one was sleeping). But after this trip, my level of guilt regarding that got reduced. I think that I can wait to create a better life to do the work I want to do. I even think that waiting is necessary and not a bad thing. I also learned that I won't trip again when being that exhausted. I think that I lost a lot out of the trip because of the tiredness. I plan to do the same dose at some point in the future, in better conditions, to see how different the trip will be. Also, maybe 30 mg would have been enough, but I'm still at the very beginning of learning to know the substances, the quantities, and overall, the different kind of trips possible. So the other reason I can have lost part of the trip (or at least, have that feeling) is if the dose was too high. But I can't know for sure at this point what the real reason was, or if it was the mix of both.

That's called misophonia (maybe look into it for answers). I have it too, so I understand the intensity of it.

Wouldn't it be better to find a longer lasting psychedelic who could produce something similar to that? Even if you can get it sometimes on 5-MeO, the duration is so short it doesn't sound great or practical to use this substance for that use. Reading your example, it made me think about the end of a trip I had on magic truffles. I could see the beauty of everything and the feeling was great. So maybe some other psychedelic could fit better (whether psilocybin or something else).

@OBEler It kind of defeats the whole purpose of 5-MeO-DMT. Maybe another psychedelic would be a better fit for what your are looking for (I don't know which though, nor do I understand the effects you are looking for).

@strangelooper Humans can act more selfish at times and more selfless at other times. I don't see a problem using them as opposites. Consciousness is still selflessness even if there are babies dying of hunger. Consciousness doesn't differentiate between what is perceived as "good" and "bad" by humans. They're are babies dying because humans are selfish - not because consciousness (selflessness) is. Also I'm not just a "projection of the consciousness". I am Consciounsess itself. One cannot just be a projection of consciousness. We are consciousness. And we are being selfish as humans because we get the choice to and choose to, not because "the source projects selfishness on us".

- Being greeted every morning and at random times during the day by my dogs. Hugging them. Watching them being playful together. I offered them toys today and that made them very joyful, which made me happy too. - My phone, car and laptop. I often think of how glad I am to have them. - Actualized.org. Mainly, for the help it provides to answer my existential questions. It is so comforting knowing that this website just exists. I'm also very grateful when I watch a video or do some research on the forum. Though, they don't necessary qualify as "little things". I guess the line is hard to draw and depends from which angle you look at it.