Clarence

Thanks again to all of you ; @StarStruck, @Sugarcoat, @Bobby_2021, @Schizophonia, @Basman, @LastThursday, @Princess Arabia. I'll see if I can make some adjustments. I still wanted to ask, how do you feel or let go when you say something you later realize was not smart enough or was incorrect, or when somebody "hurts your feelings" and you really care about what they said? - I'm talking here on the forum especially. I know it's not right, but I think I identify my sense of self more with the outside than the the inside, so all of this really touches me. How I feel and think I am is very dependant to the outside world (how people treat me, how I think I am perceived by others, what happens to me, the emotional reactions I have, etc). As a result of that, I have no idea who I am from the inside. I can't even understand what "know who you are" means. For me it's very intangible and etheric/mental, and I can't put my finger on what that "me" as a human is. And I don't know how to developp a stronger sense of self. So if someone knows how a strong sense of self - a secure, independant, tangible sense of self - can be developped and what "who you are" as a human consciousness actually means, I'd be happy to hear. (Who I am as God consciousness is far easier for me to grasp, just to clarify it is the human self only I am refering to).

Thank you all for your answers. I feel relieved after reading your positive feedbacks. I went to bed anxious and woke up with my chest even more tight… but now I can breathe again (until I post this comment hahaha). It's really hard to change my self-talk and to talk myself into a way out of it. I read Leo commenting a few times about BPD. I don't have that condition, but I have AvPD which seems to be close to me in terms of intensity. And I'd say I have the intesity of emotions people with BPD have. I'm far more sensitive than average, and I have extreme emotional reaction whenever something unpleasant happens (if someone criticizes me at work or if someone ignores me, or whatever else). @Ninja_pig Thanks for your message. I actually have great friends which I am comfortable around, but it doesn't ease my overall discomfort. I think that you are right on the "focus on accepting yourself and loving yourself more". I think that's what it is, the main problem I have, I absolutely hate myself and I remind myself all the time that I'm an idiot (though realistically, I think I am more intelligent than many people). But I don't know how to change those deep feelings. It's like trying to love your absolute worse enemy. It's really really hard. Meditation and self-help worsened my feelings towards myself. I had to stop and distance myself from them both at some point because they were doing more harm than good. I regard journaling in a similar way, but maybe it would be something to try again. I'm still open to do more psychedelics for that, but so far, it hasn't been helpful, unfortunately. The last trip I had was a bad trip on this exact issue. I also like your two last sentences! @Sugarcoat The problem is that I cannot just tell myself "but that's ok". I do try, but the reality is that it's not ok, regrets or cringe moments, will send me into downward spirals of intense negative feelings I can't control. I try to use reason to calm myself down and to let go of my thoughts to ease my feelings, but it isn't efficient. I will suffer deeply for a few days, sometimes a few weeks, and just then my emotional reaction will start to pass. So forcing myself into sharing, knowing it will likely cause that, doesn't feel like a right move for me. At least, that's how I feel deep down, though it might sound like excuses and weaknesses. Somehow, I'm really harsh on myself already and "forcing myself", adding hardship on top of that, is intensifying my mental distress. @trenton Thanks for sharing. In the end, what did help you the most? Was it the reflections themselves that did end up transforming you, or was there something on top of them? I find what you say to be insightful, but I wonder if that is enough to transform deeply ingrained fears and patterns of thoughts. I don't think moralism is what drives me, but the overal idea can translate to what I do. @Bobby99 So… you feel good in heated arguments? That's so far from how I feel haha. You don't disappoint yourself or feel bad about yourself when you write something too fast and then realize it was not smart? @Princess Arabia You're right, we're often dissatisfied with what we are or what we do. I'm mostly dissatisfied with how I feel. Well, people don't even have to think something about me… I'll think badly about me for them x) So maybe I should not pay attention to what I think, but my mind just won't stop. I try to let go, but my will to let go is not as strong as the thinking and feeling patterns I've been reinforcing for years. I try, but my thinking and emotions are obsessive and strong. They nearly feel tangible, as if they were set in stone. Yes, you're right, that was me Leo inspires me, maybe a bit too much and I'm skiping steps. I want to reach hyper-mind more than anything while I can't even write two words on a forum without feeling threatened ^^ I'll go back to more serious tripping when my living conditions will have improved. I don't live on my own yet and I realized that tripping in between stressful moments wasn't good for me. Thanks though for your feedbacks! @Schizophonia It's good to know that you got improvement from changing your diet! It's definitely something I want to try once I'll move on my own. Did you follow a particilar method? I'm quite overwhelmed with the quantity of informations and possible diets. That's a good point too. I still have to figure out what kind of concrete stuff to do, but I can see how it could relieve symptoms! Which psychedelics helped you the most? And did you trip with a particular intention or state of mind? Belgium is not a French region… it's the country I am from Right between France, Germany and the Netherlands :).

35 mg 5-MeO-MALT 02.19.24 I don't have a proper report to write down, but I will still share my experience and my ''mistakes''. I went into the trip at about 1h30 pm, hungry and thirsty (I don't eat nor drink the day I trip to avoid getting any nausea). The morning had been rough. I had had an appointment with my psychiatrist and then I had some shopping to do. So I was outside, thinking, walking, being surrounded by people and noise for four hours, and all of that on an empty stomach. Plus, the day before had been very long and challenging. When I sat on my bed, the syringe in my hand, I felt exhausted. I wanted to sleep, but having very few opportunities to trip and wanting to become more decisive - so to stop changing my mind all the time, I took the substance. I didn't feel scared, just tired, and it still felt like I had more to gain than to lose. But the trip went faster than me. I couldn't properly keep up and observe the experience. I had memories from the morning and previous day that were coming up, and I couldn't tell if they were past, present, real or imaginary. I didn't know if they had happened or if I was making them up, and I couldn't make the difference between the past and the present. There was a sense of confusion. It was not scary though and not surprising either because I am conscious that everything is imaginary. I enjoyed experiencing the imaginary nature of reality in this direct way, but I was unable to tell how much of this ''weirdness'' was caused by my tiredness or by the substance. The trip lasted about 2 hours, but it felt much shorter, like if I had missed parts of the trip (maybe not, but maybe I did). When I stood up to turn off the light, I noticed that I was not walking straight, and that my movements were not very coordinate, going too fast, and so they were more difficult to execute. As the trip was ending, I started contemplating, as I did in my last trip, but instead of being inspired, I entered a very dark place. My worries and negative thoughts became stronger and I could not get myself out of them (I'm not able to in my daily life either). I suffered a lot. I suffer a lot all the time, but with the remaining of the substance in my system, my suffering became far worse and my thoughts even darker. Though, time was running out and I had obligations. I had no choice but to suck it up and greet my mother as if nothing had happened (she doesn't know that I take psychedelics and she doesn't know that I suffer from MDD). It was really hard. I focused on my puppy who is full of joy to not let anyone know my emotional state. And I took some paracetamol as I started having a headache right away. I kept mentally suffering the entire evening. I just wanted to be in bed to sleep, as I was extremely tired, and didn't have the space (being surrounded by family) to process and feel my emotions. I had a terrible night with many different dreams. And the days after didn't go better. Lessons Coming out from this trip (and these few days), I learned the lesson that I can allow myself to be more patient and accept that my living conditions are not adapted right now for spiritual (and even psychological) work. I had a lot of frustration and guilt, feeling that I was not doing enough (that I could for example wake up very early to trip when every one was sleeping). But after this trip, my level of guilt regarding that got reduced. I think that I can wait to create a better life to do the work I want to do. I even think that waiting is necessary and not a bad thing. I also learned that I won't trip again when being that exhausted. I think that I lost a lot out of the trip because of the tiredness. I plan to do the same dose at some point in the future, in better conditions, to see how different the trip will be. Also, maybe 30 mg would have been enough, but I'm still at the very beginning of learning to know the substances, the quantities, and overall, the different kind of trips possible. So the other reason I can have lost part of the trip (or at least, have that feeling) is if the dose was too high. But I can't know for sure at this point what the real reason was, or if it was the mix of both.

That's called misophonia (maybe look into it for answers). I have it too, so I understand the intensity of it.

Wouldn't it be better to find a longer lasting psychedelic who could produce something similar to that? Even if you can get it sometimes on 5-MeO, the duration is so short it doesn't sound great or practical to use this substance for that use. Reading your example, it made me think about the end of a trip I had on magic truffles. I could see the beauty of everything and the feeling was great. So maybe some other psychedelic could fit better (whether psilocybin or something else).

@OBEler It kind of defeats the whole purpose of 5-MeO-DMT. Maybe another psychedelic would be a better fit for what your are looking for (I don't know which though, nor do I understand the effects you are looking for).

@strangelooper Humans can act more selfish at times and more selfless at other times. I don't see a problem using them as opposites. Consciousness is still selflessness even if there are babies dying of hunger. Consciousness doesn't differentiate between what is perceived as "good" and "bad" by humans. They're are babies dying because humans are selfish - not because consciousness (selflessness) is. Also I'm not just a "projection of the consciousness". I am Consciounsess itself. One cannot just be a projection of consciousness. We are consciousness. And we are being selfish as humans because we get the choice to and choose to, not because "the source projects selfishness on us".

- Being greeted every morning and at random times during the day by my dogs. Hugging them. Watching them being playful together. I offered them toys today and that made them very joyful, which made me happy too. - My phone, car and laptop. I often think of how glad I am to have them. - Actualized.org. Mainly, for the help it provides to answer my existential questions. It is so comforting knowing that this website just exists. I'm also very grateful when I watch a video or do some research on the forum. Though, they don't necessary qualify as "little things". I guess the line is hard to draw and depends from which angle you look at it.

5-MeO-DMT 30 mg This was the best trip I've had so far and one of the best experience of my life. Though, I don't know how I could put this into words. It is very challenging and quite annoying because I'd like to be able to depict my experiences better. I feel that I went deeper in this trip than in my past trips. I had told myself that I would this time remain sitted and keep my eyes open to better observe consciousness. As the trip was coming up, I became completely one with the room. I could see the ceiling as myself and the distinction between me and the room ceased to exist. As the trip went on, I basically could see consciousness with my mind's eye. I realized that I was the entire universe, and that consciousness was infinite. I felt like I could explore consciousness and go into new realms. I had the desire to close my eyes and get comfortable to just enjoy the moment of seeing consciousness so perfectly. With higher doses, I will be able to enter higher and more radical states of consciousness. I have such a calling to explore consciousnesses. The peak and the ''slowing down'' of the trip lasted longer this time too. So I could bask in this awakening longer. It felt so good. I spent the time following the peak reflecting on various things, and one thing I realized was that I could not completely cut myself out from other people's suffering and at large, the suffering of the world. I am hyper sensitive and the suffering of the world has been a challenge since I was a child. These last years, I have completely stopped caring (at least, I convinced myself of that, and that it had stopped affecting me). But it can't. I came to realize that no matter how hard I try, our consciousness is one, and so I cannot live as a separate individual, completely immune to the suffering of the world. As I am a part of it, I am also impacted by the suffering around. But also, I better understood my own suffering in relation to the people I live with (my mother and grandmother). We are having a really difficult time as my grandmother is at the end of her life - we are her caregivers, and we are all in a lot of suffering from this difficult life situation. This trip helped me better understand and accept my suffering in relation to their suffering. I also realized that I had become very egocentric (mainly as a defense mechanism, but still), in the sense that: I suffer so much, I choose not to care anymore about other people's suffering, and so I have become more self-centered. I've been spending the last few weeks catching up on the Actualized.org videos I haven't watch (quite many, as I had felt overwhelmed with feeling so far behind in struggling so much to actualize the more materialistic teachings). The video I was watching yesterday was Understanding The Exquisite Balance Of Life. At some point, Leo was saying that when you're being selfish, you're cutting yourself off from God, because God is Selflessness. I had a direct realization on that in this trip. It made complete sense while listening to him, but it was even more vivid in this higher state of consciousness. It made me want to become more selfless in a healthy way. I also had the insight that I am in charge, in myself, of more than I think of, and that I have the capacity to change myself more than I think I can. I often feel helpless and a victim of the complex working of my mind, which is not too well suited to live in this world (and so it creates a lot of suffering in my daily life). That insight was in relation to that. It gave me a taste, a feeling, that I can change more than I think. Coming out of this trip, I feel very peaceful. I started writing the report by the end of the trip to better remember it. I really wished I had my own place to live to have more opportunities to trip. But moving out will create other kinds of suffering for my mother and grandmother, and thus, it won't completely free myself from my suffering related to them. But at least, tripping more will help me see things I can't see now and change things I can't change now. And so maybe become better at helping them than I am now. I was able to trip these last two days because I was doing some castle sitting for a friend (pretty cool, huh).

5-MeO-DMT 25 mg 22.01.24 This was my fourth 5-MeO-DMT trip. I upped my dose from 20 to 25 mg. My intention was basically to deepen my understanding of Consciousness. My sense of reality started shifting 2 minutes after plugging. (I really wished I had more time to settle before feeling the effects.) The peak happened shortly after. I don't recall a come up. All I had time for was to accept the shift of consciousness as it took place, and then I was in a peak experience. I might repeat myself a lot, but so far my trips share a lot of similarities. I became conscious of being God and the Universe, that I created everything that I ever came into contact with (or simply thought or imagined) and that everything was possible in the field of consciousness. I spent a part of the trip breathing very deeply in my hand (it just happened before I noticed it), realizing that I was God. At time, I would also stop breathing. It felt equally good and profound. As the intensity of the trip was reducing, I tried to get insights on how to change the things that I don't like about myself, the things that make my life difficult (mainly, extreme overthinking and anxiety). But I didn't get any insight on that. The only insight I got back (but which I knew already), was that understanding consciousness is a need for me - not just a desire, but a fundamental need. I wonder how my trips will evolve on higher doses. I would really like to trip on 4-AcO-DMT when I get the chance, as so far my trips on magic truffles were more insightful on changes regarding my personality.

@OBEler Not always, but most of the time. I always place my head under the blankets anyway. My room is pretty cold - I'm pretty bad at decorating and I don't use a heater (the temperature is at 10° C - 50° F), so I just don't like being in there, it is very depressing. I feel better when I cut myself out of it. I think it allows me to delve deeper into consciousness as I don't get heavy thoughts from the cold and sight of the room. I don't have enough experience/memories from tripping with my eyes open with 5-MeO-DMT and 5-MeO-MALT to really be able to talk about it. I do have a vague idea of my consciousness expanding to include the entire room, but that is pretty much all I can say. It will require other trips to observe what is happening with my eyes open (and maybe moving out). I haven't considered this method. Maybe I'll try snorting once out of curiosity. But I didn't think about vaping, though I'd like to learn how to do it for DMT. This substance could be very convenient actually. But I still haven't done the research to find it and know how to vape it efficiently. 5-MeO-DMT is short lasting enough for the time I have, so it's better for me not to reduce the length of the trip. Do you use other methods than plugging?

5-MeO-DMT 20 mg Situation before the trip I don't feel like having a trip, at all. I am feeling terrible for various reasons. I have no desire for anything, I don't even care about understanding Consciousness these days, which is quite bad as it is the thing I care about the most. As I am feeling so bad, the thought of taking a psychedelic of this class is scary as it is radical and quick acting. I don't have a clear mind, so the changes in consciousness could be challenging and painful. And I will have to completely let go of my suffering, which is hard. What tells me to do it anyway is that : 1. I have an available day today and I never know when the next one will be. 2. In normal times, understanding consciousness is my passion and what I want to make my life about. 3. Past trips thought me that tripping was often what I needed most even when I didn't feel like it. 4. I'd like to suffer a bit less to better change my situation, and it could have a positive impact on that, as it did in the past. I decided to go with 5-MeO-DMT as it is short lasting and I just had about 2 hours available for the trip. Ideally, I would have taken psilocybin, but I neither had the time nor the substance. Right before the trip: I took a few more minutes to get myself ready to let go, to get into a neutral state of mind, to get ready to accept the shift in consciousness that was to come and to just let it happen. I had no particular intention for the trip, I just wanted to get more familiar with this substance and get a bit closer to access alien consciousness/intelligence. Trip report As it did last times, the trip started extremely quickly. After just two minutes, the come up started. A few moments later, I was in complete non-duality. I did wear my mindfold mask right after plugging to make the come up easier. As I was already in the dark (''in consciousness''), it was easier not to resist any changes of consciousness and to ''forget'' about myself and the physical reality. I quickly laid down as I didn't have the strength to remain sitted, and I completely let go of my mind and my body as my consciousness shifted to non-duality and infinity. I had a strong taste of infinity in this trip. I started breathing very deeply, exhaling through my mouth, the air blowing against my knees under the blankets. Feeling the warmth of the breath and hearing its sound in this non-dual state was a very deep experience. I started doing it before I realized it, and suddenly became conscious of this from a high-consciousness, non-dual, perspective. There was a feeling of ''being back home'' in this expanded state of consciousness, as the same happened in other trips. That is how I became conscious again of how I am God, Consciousness and Infinity, and how as such, I could explore Infinite Intelligences for eternity. This in itself was already a form of infinite intelligence. That is not a human day to day form of intelligence. And I felt satisfaction from it. What happened also at the same time was that my depression alleviated. But by the end of the trip I had to make a conscious effort not to fall back right into it by mistake (which was happening when I caught it). The peak of the trip lasted for about 30 minutes, but it quite pursued for 20 more minutes. At about that time, I stood up and went back to my day with a clearer state of mind. The entire trip was smoother than I expected. It was not painful in any way and I really, really, loved it. I wish I would have more opportunities to trip, but my current life situation doesn't allow it (I'm working towards changing it - it's taking way longer that I can handle).

As I was reading the Forum yesterday, I stumbled upon this post of Leo written in 2016 answering a comment: Just realize how accurate it is. Many of you think he is deluding himself and that only you have the Truth because you are enlightened or because you cherish enlightenment while Leo doesn't anymore. But why did he stop pursuing enlightenment at some point? Because he got lazy and uninterested and stumbled upon a lower form of consciousness which motivated him to give it up? Or because he stumbled upon a higher form of consciousness making him realize how far from the Truth enlightenment has always been and how unworthy of a pursuit it was for understanding and awakening to all of reality ? Why don't you seriously ponder that - and take the leap to verify that for yourself, doing whatever has to be done to get it. Why are you scared of psychedelics? And why are you scared of dropping your beliefs and to question again your entire experience and enlightenment for a while just to check? It really looks like a lot of you are scared of realizing that you are wrong. Obviously, you don't admit that reason to yourself, you are too convince of being right to even allow yourself to question anymore, to allow yourself to explore psychedelics because you consider them as impure and unworthy of what is… but how can you say that if you haven't done the work to properly use them. You have no way to know. You only have believes and inaccuracies. Is there at least one of you who is still OPENMINDED enough to seriously investigate that? That is my question, and I genuinely wonder. Is there at least one other person on this Forum doing that or willing to do that in a serious manner, especially one of those convinced to be right on Truth but disproving Leo? Do any of you still question yourself and willing to take the leap to use psychedelics? If you are not doing that or willing to do that, your goal has never been to reach a complete understanding of reality and you do not have the Truth. Which is fine, but you are missing something. Something big. And you are deluding yourself and others.

@OBEler It might be, but if it is, I seriously don't understand how it can be. (even though I do) @Breakingthewall I personally find him extremely clear. I don't know how clearer one could be on those topics. They're very tricky and I think he's doing a great job at formulating them and giving guidance to get to the same kind of understanding and realizations he got to. @Thought Art Well yes, I don't really talk about me, but in my opinion, that's not relevant to the topic. Beside, I got my answers, you may stop working so hard telling me how immature and neurotic you think I am.

I would now find meaning (in my own life) in sharing with people who understand the same things I understand. But I don't find such people where I live, and I don't find many more on the forum. The desire to find/create some meaning, or to do something like spending a nice day with someone, don't negate knowing how meaningless everything is.

@Thought Art You make many assumptions without knowing me. I certainly am more mature, careful, and contemplating way more more than you can think. @Jehovah increases I've been aware of the meaninglessness of life from a very early age and I have been living without meaning ever since. So I am well aware of how psychologically damaging that can be. The positive is that I have no meaning left to lose, so I can only get some from deconstructing my mind even more and having very deep awakenings. I just don't understand why there aren't more people like me, but that is my bias/problem.

Yes, I know psychedelics are not for everyone and that he nearly killed himself. Though, that is not the point of my message. I think you're the one who's not listening. I pretty much don't care about convincing you of anything. I just wonder if some people are interested in going much deeper. I personally don't see that being discussed a lot. What I see being discussed a lot is all the reasons why people won't or don't want to go deeper. I've grown out of that. It was a short passage. Right, though I can still wonder if someone else also wants to reach the deepest realizations and understandings one can have (in Leo's sense, not to argue with what is deep). The reason I was asking was mostly to check if I was right to feel one of the few if not the only one doing that. I must say it would have been even more exciting to hear the opposite from one of the person doubting or disregarding all of this the most. But if that never happens, that's okay. I don't care about fighting and arguing. Which explain why I'm not very active on the forum (which doesn't mean I don't read it). I agree with what you're saying, I've had awakenings and breakthroughs. They were so profound that they made me realize that they couldn't be achieved/haven't been achieved through simple practices like meditation. In my opinion, you can't know whether I am right or wrong because because you haven't properly used psychedelics to verify that. And at the same time, you can argue that I can't know either how your awakening is like because I haven't reached a similar kind of awakening … so I guess the discussion is endless. Though the chances are still higher that someone Absolutely awakened (let's say) get even deeper realizations through psychedelics, than it is for me to reach some Absolute/final enlightenment. But who cares in the end. No one is here, but Me, or You. Depends on the objective. If the objective is to reach a complete understanding of all of reality, it would be silly not to recommend them. Though it doesn't mean that they will act properly on everyone, especially on those who don't do the work, as Leo says, of deconstructing their mind. It certainly doesn't mean either that they can only bring positive things. Though I don't think anyone here believes that about them.

@Razard86 I am not so late. The same stuff are being discussed over and over again. And this message is basically for me, as I am wondering how many other people here really desire to reach the highest levels of understanding. I know that he is right in what he says because I am doing the work he's teaching. I speak from my direct experience with psychedelics. Leo's not merely the teachers, the psychedelics are. I've been reading from other teachers as well, but none of them come close to what he teaches. I've even lived in a buddhist monastery during my quest towards enlightenment when it was the deepest stuff I knew of. So I've looked into other places. I understand that others disagree because they had awakenings/enlightenment experiences/or are enlightened, and they qualify that experience as Absolute. What they've reached is so Absolute and final that psychedelics sound unnecessary and even delusory to use. Some say that they can't get you to the Truth, that only the practice without any substances can get you to it. On top of that, the states reached on psychedelics cannot be maintained and there always is something more profound to experience… and as that is the case, psychedelics can't Awaken anyone. On the main lines, that is how I understand the opposition. I don't negate that - that they can't make you low. I don't say that path will make anyone happy. Understanding reality is not the same thing as following a path to reach happiness. @ivankiss That is right, I don't follow him blindly either. The post is not about telling others to believe Leo or any other teacher, it is about questioning again if they have used psychedelics in a correct manner before demonizing them and telling that awakening can't be done through them. I do think that people can awaken (become enlightened) without them, but the degree of awakening and understanding is far from the one you can get with the use of psychedelics. That is just the point of my message, and the reason why I'm asking how many others want to reach the deepest realizations.

You're welcome. It's nice if it is interesting or useful for someone. And it certainly is for me as well. My best guess is that I am close to his realizations, but I also am very far. I likely could attain the deepest realizations he's had. But as he explained, some of the things he's done were so extreme that he nearly killed himself… For sure I haven't gone that far and I'm not sure whether I will or not. It will depend on the choices I'll make in the future to see how much closer I will get. I don't know yet how determined I am or will become. Though, I am extremely curious, but the decision to take really high doses won't happen after just a few trips.

5-MeO-MALT 24 mg I AM GOD I am fucking God. I couldn't help but repeat those words. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.… as I was breathing, the entire universe was breathing, and as I was exhaling, these words were exhaling out of my mouth. I AM GOD. I've become directly conscious of what GOD is, of what INFINITE means. And of what Infinite LOVE is. I am fucking God. I am Infinite. I am Love. The distinction between my body (matter) and Consciousness completely ceased to exist. 5-MeO-MALT is utterly radical at higher dosages. It is Pure Consciousness. I became directly Conscious in this Awakening of how CONSCIOUSNESS is all there is, of how it is Love, how it is Infinite, and how it is God. And how I fucking AM IT. All of it, the entire Reality. I became directly conscious of how this world and how the universe is all a dream and how it is all MIND. How it is all imaginary, and as a matter of fact, how there is no death and such things. It was really intense, to the point that I was wondering if I could take on more, take on any more substance, take on any more Consciousness. I was wondering if that wasn't already too much. This time, I had no sensation of waves during the trip like I did last time on MALT. It was a prolonged state of High Consciousness. It hit me strong and fast (like it did in my other trips). The overall trip was magnified. Realization With this trip came a very profound realization about myself: I UNDERSTAND what Leo is talking about. As of now, I might be the only other one who is AWAKE. Not to speak too quickly as my experience is still limited, I might be the one closest to AWAKE. I might be the only other one who understands this word ; what it means and refers to. I have read entire topics and discussion on the forum lately and I haven't read anyone who said something that made me think ''he gets it too''. I couldn't know for certain how I could see through the mistakes (and bullshit) of other members, while others could not. And how I could know that Leo was correct claiming to be the only one AWAKE on the planet while others could only believe him or refute him. I was genuinely wondering whether I was deluding myself. The answer is now clear to me that I am not and was not. That might be because I actually am less deluded than others because I actually question myself a lot more. I might have a stronger desire to understand, and I might be more open to explore radical levels of Consciousness than any other member. There is still room for improvement. Important: I do not claim that I get everything the same way Leo does, nor that I have become conscious of everything he has become conscious of. I'm certainly not at the same level than Leo. And as he says, I can't even know where he's at. So that is beside the point. The point is not to convince anyone either, it simply is to report my trip and the realizations I've just had. I will need many more trips to integrate this on a cellular level and to integrate that I too can trust myself and my Awakenings. In a sense, Leo's statement has been gaslighting me as a member of the forum and a human, even if it was and is still true to some extent. Though I think his statement is very valuable and necessary. So many members are failing to see the obvious. They've so strongly convinced themselves that they've figured it all out that they can't see past their own belief and experience (their ''enlightenment'') anymore. As of for me, it has helped a lot in a few different ways. It will still take many more trips to go deeper and reach even higher levels of Understanding, but I Know that my trips are leading me in the right direction. Side note: I'm a bit late posting this, my trip was on Monday.

There is one thing I wish I had internalised sooner, which is to not make my trips about you. I think it is a major trap I fell into. I am a bit ashamed of it now, but I guess it was a part of my learning process. The right move would have been to put aside the teachings, the reports, my intuitive understanding, and the mental images I have of you, to only connect to my desire of understanding, and to realize prior to tripping that my awakenings would be completely unique to me (although similar flavours could be experienced). I should have known to withdraw my desire to connect and interact with you. The second thing I have found a lot of value in was to actually share my awakenings. It was scary, but yours and other people's comments have shined a light on my mistake. So I was able put an end to it quickly rather than deepening my awakenings in an inadequate direction. So sharing trips and awakenings might be a valuable part of the work for people who are serious about getting pure understanding. Buying a good mindfold mask: I find complete darkness to be good and desired at certain times during my trips. It helps me dive deeper into Consciousness. I also find physical comfort to be crucial to completely let go. I like to start by sitting on my bed, my back and head resting against pillows and my legs under the blankets, and as the trip is coming up, lie down and curl myself up in my bed. This allows me to relax all of my muscles and not get distracted too much by my body. That's usually when I put the mindfold mask on, so I can completely let go of the outside world and go deep into the trip. When the effects noticeably decrease, I sit back up again and have something to eat - which is prepared beforehand. I do that because I'm usually very hungry by that time and it is distracting, and because eating grounds me and I need grounding when I get out of a trip. As I come back to my baseline, but am still in between, I reflect on what happened. I do my best to remember, to understand/integrate and to articulate the trip in my mind. Then I write a report. As I now plan to post a report of most (if not all) of my trips, this work of understanding and exploring consciousness has become far more serious for me than it was before. It is still early to know if this is a good approach, but right now it feels positive as it sharpens my attitude. Maybe other people could benefit from including a similar practice in their psychedelic journey.

@ZenSwift Thank you!

I Am A Character Of God's Dream Last week, I experimented for the first time with 5-MeO-DMT. Today I had my first trip on 5-MeO-MALT. I plugged the same amount I did last time for my first trip (12 mg according to my scale), to test the substance and my reaction to it. It was the HCL version. Overall, the experience was more gentle than my trip(s) on 5-MeO-DMT. I started feeling the effects 3 minutes after plugging and it took one to three more minutes for my consciousness to really expand. It lasted longer (1h30 + 30-60 minutes of after effects). And it was less hard on my body. I just had a weird tingling sensation in my upper teeth. It also came a bit in waves, but they were much softer than the ones I had in my trips with psilocybin. I went into the trip with the intention of getting insights on how to reduce my suffering on top of exploring consciousness (both are very linked for me). I so directed my trip into that and I had a good mix of both. For the quantity I took, it was a good trip, but it felt like I was a few steps away from having a really profound experience. Though, it was still a breakthrough and my report won't make it justice as I'm writing it a few hours later. Anyway, I became conscious that I was a character in a dream dreamed by God. So my personal self (from my body to mind), was part of a dream (a character within a dream), and the dream extended to all of this life (the planet, the universe, other humans, everything we know in this life/dimension) to create support and sense for this dreamed character to even exist (to be ''independent'' and have consciousness of it's own). All of this was new in the way I was becoming conscious of it. This awakening made me realize why it was so hard to change certain things about my personal self and why I couldn't, for example, become somebody else or experiment someone else's dream within this dream we are in. Because I am a figment of a dream, I have limitations. I am not the one deciding of everything, and so I can't easily change things on this plane, not even aspects of my own self. I was awakening but I was still in another dream… I didn't become the second dreamer from this story. I still knew all of this was God and I had ego death, but the dose wasn't high enough to awaken from that ''higher'' dream too. It was still interesting because I had insights, a lot of clarity and I could investigate: ask myself personal questions and get form of answers (which I didn't go into in this report). I had the desire to up the dose on the same day, but I didn't have enough time. So I left my room, had something to eat and walked my dogs. I hope to be able to do a higher dose in a few days. One of the personal insights I got was that I needed to trip more. I was very hesitant to do it today as I hadn't been feeling well, but it actually was the thing I needed most.

@OBEler That's really sweet, thank you. I will at least do my best to do the work and have these 300 breakthroughs Yes, you will get there. You seem smart. I think that when you'll feel ready, you'll make it happen. In the meantime, keep (or start) asking yourself why being human is so weird. It really is weird when you deeply think about it @Girzo Haha I get the vibe. It feels like an excess of energy or consciousness for the body. But I don't know how exactly it happens at a materialistic level either. However, I was not in an ecstatic dance, rather I was all curled up in my bed under the blankets, too conscious to even do anything else (:

No, it is not shocking for me. What is shocking for me is having a body. I've never felt human. Now I understand why I've never felt human… I've never been human. So it is a relief. Every God-Realization is a relief. Well, the first time was also… a relief. I could finally talk and think from direct experience. I had the intuition that Leo was correct, but that wasn't enough for me as an intuition was still a form of belief. So I felt a bit guilty about being confident about him being right prior to having the experience for myself. Plus, I just wanted to know what it was like. So having the experience for the first time was amazing. I still need to have many more trips and to explore at higher doses, but I'm not scared. That's the only thing I'm excited for. It's less painful to be God than to be me…