Jordan

Day 8, March 9, 2016 I just finished my meditation. I had a big misunderstanding with my girlfriend and we are going to meet up for lunch tomorrow to talk about it. This is where my mind was the whole meditation. What basically happened is she asked me for a large sum of money over text to help pay off a debt of hers she needed to pay off by the end of the month and I didn't like how she asked this over text and not in person so I could better understand the situation and come to a solution that hopefully doesn't include me handing over a bunch of money. She took this as meaning I didn't trust that she would pay me back. When I look at how I feel I realized I literally feel like I would die of be an unforgivable person if I ran out of money and her asking for so much would put me at risk of this. It seems silly thinking about it logically but I still have that fear. I cried more than I ever have at one time during this meditation. I started to think how much pain she must have been in when she came to the conclusion that I didn't trust her even though she trusted me so much and she couldn't count on me like she thought. So I learned about my unhealthy belief that I will die or at least be an unforgivable person if I run out of money. This is probably is part of the reason I carry a lot of stress and negative judgments of myself and others and have emotional triggers when it comes to spending money. I am going to work on this and find a way to prove to myself that running out of money is something I can handle without being a bad person or it killing me and that maybe it is not necessarily a bad thing.

Day 7 March 8, 2016 I just finished my meditation for today. I was able to stay almost completely still for the whole hour. One of my eyes flickered open for a split second and I started to lean to the right once but then stopped myself. I didn't swallow or check my timer or crack my wrists like I have done previously. I discovered that the reason I couldn't help but move before was because I was feeling an emotion and I wanted to distract myself from it by moving and finding something else to put my attention on. Today I focused very intensely on how I was feeling and didn't move because I realized it was in my best interest not to distract my focus. Also maybe 6 times i felt like I was being jolted awake after starting to drift into thought. This might be because I didn't get as much sleep last night as I usually do.

Day 6, March 7, 2016 I meditated today after taking a shower and drinking some water. My mind was thinking about what reality really is and how far off memory is from actually observing it. I noticed that when I put my focus on my thoughts looking for what their content is and not accepting it as the truth my thoughts stop mid thought. After 40 min I got restless and looked at the timer. it took about 10 min to calm down again. I think my mind's ability to focus on being aware gets depleted and it is easier to get lost in thought which is why I get so restless at around the 40-45 min mark. It could also be because I know I should be pretty close to finishing. Some insights from my self inquiry yesterday were that my memories are really far off from reality but I still believe emotionally they are true especially when I am not aware I am lost in thought. When I realize that my thoughts are not the same they lose a lot of their emotional influence. For example I looked at my fridge, looking away while still having the memory of the fridge in my mind feeling I know exactly where it is in space and what it looks like then look at the fridge realizing there are many details of it that were not part of my memory of it. Also i traced back some of my insecurities such as fear of talking to strangers and not working hard when getting work done to a belief that I am not good enough. I believe that this belief is not benefiting me as much as it limits me so I will find ways to prove to myself that I really am good enough such as finding examples of how I am and reframing the examples I have supporting it.

I just finished my meditation for today. I left my phone on because I was expecting someone to come over and do some work for me and didn't want to just not respond to him for an hour. The first 25 min went well then i got some texts. I went back to meditating and the frequency of thoughts increased but it wasn't too bad. I came up with some insights. I heard Leo speak about controlling the interpretation of a situation to be able to control your emotions. When my butt started to hurt from sitting for a long time I remembered that suffering = pain * resistance. At first I tried to just accept the pain but it didn't do much. Then what I did was think about how low the pain is compared to some pain I have had before and in comparison it feels pretty good. That made me feel much better. I think this is why some people put a lot of importance on being grateful because interpretations of good and bad are just relative to what you are comparing something to. If I start to feel like I don't want to work today I will think to myself how much i enjoy working compared to being laughed at for being lazy. I will see if this helps my motivation.