k-ahmadzadeh

Greetings! It seems to me that being black pilled may reduce dating anxiety (including approach anxiety and fear of rejection). By the term black pill, I don't mean misogynistic ideology, but a theory that explains attraction through structural matters (physical health, certain thresholds of beauty, average level of intelligence, and social skills) rather than mind games. These elements are the main pillars of men's attractiveness. I don't say that only 8/10+ men can get girlfriends, but a slightly above-average level of healthiness (physical and psychological) is required. If this is the case, there is no need to fear having dating anxiety. If you go beyond a certain healthiness threshold, then you will be able to find a girlfriend, even if you show signs of anxiety to the girl or make 'mistakes' according to PUA theory. My argument is that if the girl is really into you, then you will manage to create emotional intimacy with her. If she is not, then you can continue your search for a partner. On the other hand, by reducing the attraction to mind and behavioural games, PUA staff increases performance anxiety and creates obsessions in men. I'd been trapped in this thinking before, but fortunately, I managed to completely unlearn PUA theory. Now, I aim to increase my physical attractiveness and other structural qualities. Given the fact that most successful men didn't read even one page about the theory of the attraction of women, we can argue that structural qualities or a general level of good health are enough. There is no need to become a pick-up artist if it is not suitable for your personality or damages your mental health. Additionally, I would say that dating fears and inferiority feelings partly come from the awareness that the girl with whom one interacts has more market value than one's. Therefore, the optimal strategy for an average-looking man would include maximising physical appearance and socialising more. After initial success, it will probably increase one's self-confidence, and ultimately, dating anxiety will disappear. After that, whether you are a bad boy or a nice guy, there is no big difference. You will gain success. I've seen women with 'bad boys' and with 'nice guys' as well. Every personality type will find its match in the dating market. Reaching slightly above average looks/health will benefit average men a lot. Of course, one will not attract every hot girls, but it will be possible to find cute girlfriend. So, I argue that there is no need to play mind games. 'Be your best self' and wait for what life will bestow you. I would be happy to see your opinions and criticisms. Bests

@LastThursday Yes, balancing is also a great way to frame the strategy. Thank you! I even started to see my daily conduct in this way, and it is helpful, I would say. Daily discipline and habits are also significant for not falling into paralysing depression. Every day, I try to commit to the discipline. I even say that personally, I am a very disciplined person, and if depression didn't exist, perhaps I would be able to sustain military-style discipline in my daily life. @universe Thank you for your comment. Honestly, I don't get the concept of 'self-love'. I respect myself, but loving is more than respect, so it involves admiration for oneself. But admiration doesn't arise from nothing; it comes from the recognition that one has a lot of good qualities. I would challenge this position with the question of "How can an ugly person love himself or herself?" (I don't consider myself ugly, but this is a radical way of challenging the validity/utility of the concept of self-love) @Carl-Richard Thank you for the very insightful comment. I agree with most of what you say. Perhaps I can summarise your point that 'not being afraid of the grief' or 'confidence' comes from having a lot of resources that give you power so that it would compensate for your loss or the negative consequence of an unsolvable problem. @flowboy This approach is interesting. I shall try to look at my issues with this framework. This makes sense in a way that if I can stay present and alert, I will be able to focus on my activities without getting trapped in negative thinking, including hopelessness. On the other hand, hopelessness is an intellectual prediction that, most of the time, has valid propositions. In this case, one is going to face a dark reality. For me, such a situation would decrease one's sense of meaning in life. These videos are great. I will happily watch them soon. Thank you for your kindness! @StarStruck Interesting approach that makes sense. @Salvijus You are right in a strategic sense. But if problems are overwhelming, it decreases one's sense of meaning in life and will to live. Then it gets harder to continue.

@Princess Arabia Thank you so much for your attention! I am sorry, but it seems that our understanding of reality is very different. I am materialist and don't believe in a God.

@LastThursday This is magnificent response. I can summarize your point of dealing with depression as the 'war' in which one strategically mobilizes all of his resources in order to achieve the best possible mental condition. I also liked the point that having a healthy psychological attitude is actually the solution or end goal. In fact, I am trying to use this holistic method, so it keeps me from falling into major depression. But the underlying sadness persists and I can't overcome from it. Sadness increases the feelings of hopelessness which in turn decrease the motivation to fulfil my tasks. When unsolvable or difficult problems persists, it becomes harder for me to stay motivated in achieving long term objectives. I mean it significantly decreases my capacity of patience. Additionally, the overall mental situation leads me towards to the nihilism so that it is harder for me to find aesthetical or philosophical principles as valuable things to which I can devote myself. Having ideology is empowering thing, but strangely, I've lost my values. Nevertheless, it seems that I should continue to force myself to battle with depression.

Dear forum members, I would like to get your opinions regarding the healthy response to unsolvable personal problems that significantly decrease your capability to achieve your main life goals. What is the method of a psychologically healthy response? It seems to me that ultimately, we don't have significant power over most of the things in our lives. I think everything happens 'to us' as opposed to the assumption that we are the ultimate creators of our lives. We can think about unsolvable health problems, the deaths of loved ones, not having access to opportunities to make things better, and so on. In this case, my question can be articulated in this way: 'How can we stay calm and confident and not fall into depression when facing the problems that ruin our lives'. In my opinion, I don't believe that there is a solution to this. But maybe you have different outlooks. I have been depressed for years and started taking antidepressants one month ago. But I recently experienced a strict side effect, so it seems that I will not be able to continue to take medication, which started to work in a mild degree. So, I feel helpless in the face of my inability to overcome the psychological problems. Therefore, I am curious: what would be a healthy psychological attitude to such unsolvable problems? I don't seek motivation or encouragement, but I would like to get a intellectually well-developed argument as an answer to my question. Thank you for your attention!

Thank you for your attention, sir! If you ask me, I wouldn't separate the physical appearance of a person from its whole identity. If I love a lady, it is partly due to her appearance. I think that most relationships work this way. Of course, quality relationships can't be built without compatibility in their personalities. But, in my opinion, the threshold through which the dating phase ends and a quality relationship starts can't be passed without meeting the necessary criteria like money, looks, and so on. I haven't ever seen a weird-looking, low-status guy in a relationship with a type of girl that I would find attractive. Maybe there are, but I've always seen the opposite. In every social media post, movie, advertisement, and epic story, as well as in social norms, it is subtly bombarded that the only way to a girl's heart is either to be handsome or rich. I'm not complaining about that; I'm just describing the picture. It is how nature works.

It makes sense! Maybe, I should try to achieve the limits of my genetic potential. Good point.

Great! These are very practical tips. Thanks a lot!

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4018661/ It seems that our biology predetermine our level of confidence, so there are little things we can do.

Not necessarily; I know that the dynamics of friendship are different. But for the dating, of course the man needs to be in the high level in looks or money. In fact, I wanted to emphasise the importance of power in human relations in a theoretical sense. There are a lot of unjustified advices like visualisation in the network, but they are actually nonsense; if the person wants to be confident, he needs to be at the forefront of the food chain. We don't live in a spiritual world. Strongly agree. Surrendering to your destiny gives relief. I've accepted my fate and don't act fake. Although it decreases suffering, it doesn't solve confidence problems. I am afraid that I don't have anything that a girl would miss There are plenty of men who supply good looks and money in market.

Hi guys! I would like to kindly get your opinions regarding the methods of gaining confidence. According to what I understand, confidence is the sensation that results from believing that you have the resources to handle a situation. In this regard, we can derive this formula: if you want to achieve X that requires the resource A, then you will only have confidence if there is A at your disposal. Personally, I've had no luck with the gym, dating, or socialising. I'm 25 years old, have few friends, and have never been in a relationship before. I don't have anything above average (money, looks, sense of humour, creativity) except my IQ. So, with reference to the formula mentioned above, it seems impossible for me to feel confident because I don't have valuable things at my disposal. Actually, I want to alter something; I don't want to accept the way things are. I want to work, but honestly, I can't find any rationally tangible method to improve myself. It seems like I want to defeat an attacking tiger with a thin stick. Therefore, this picture tells me that I am destined to be a fragile organism that will soon be wiped out by evolution. I want to see a strong and justified hope, but I can't find it. Please don't give me false hope. If you have any tangible methods, then please write Kind regards

I've reviewed some of his videos and articles. As far as I understand, his advices can only be useful for ones who are rich and high status. If I would have those qualities, I wouldn't need any coaches' advice

It seems like you're implying that a positive or confident personality can contribute to success in dating. I would partially agree with this notion. However, the question remains: How can someone develop a good personality without those elements of power (looks, money, status)? It's nearly impossible! One needs a foundation to rely upon, which in turn provides a sense of confidence and competence. This creates a LOOP, and I'm not aware of any way to break it.

Strongly agree! I think that the pressure for self-development of modern society comes from the soft power projection of United States of which unique history has generated modern capitalist spirit. In contrast to this, we may notice that Far Eastern religious traditions suggest more humble and reasonable way of living principles for people who are weak in terms of 'power': surrendering and accepting.

@Princess Arabia Dear, thank you for your care! But, you know, I can't compel myself to believe in idealistic and spiritual stuff. I have very materialistic and atheistic type of personality. Additionally, the forces that propel life are physical phenomena, not the mind and thoughts. I believe this is evident, at least, in the context of the macro-reality in which we live. Materialistic paradigm has far more explanatory power than idealistic/religious one. Kind regards