UpperMaster

Very hot. Many women. So for me not optional I guess.

I just realized one more thing. I can't even describe awareness without any phenomena. When describing something, you would use phenomena to describe it. Like shape color, even time, there's always something. But awareness without phenomena, is nothing, except itself. I am not sure how to continue from this realization though I'll be honest. I am not sure why or what proof can be given to suggest that this absence of phenomena is occurred during sleep.

I am sorry, I don't understand when you say that because I'm not even sure what sleep "is" for it to be imaginary. To me sleep is also phenomena. Sleep is what I call going to bed, then randomly teleporting to the future with no loss of continuity. (so I guess sleep is imaginary, idk if you view it the way I do tho) Yea see I researched a bit more, Rupert Spira was explaining how even time is an imagined dimension within the waking state. This actually makes sense, as then there's only the present, and it's everlasting. I am not sure if I am going in the right direction. Past could have never happened, I have memories of the past but that's about it, only the present moment is available to me. There is no proof beyond memories that time actually exists. So it makes sense that maybe time doesn't exist and its always the ever present and basically going to sleep means you get back to ever present consciousness without even aspects of time and space. idk if Im going right direction. Its not crystal clear yet.

Also what does it mean to be pure awareness, "during" sleep. What is time in all of this??

One thing about the previous guy is he has his bar set high. As in he actually does the, no junk food, sleep on time, cutting out social life. This almost gives me the "permission" to implement this discipline in my own life and be unapologetic about it.

I met a friend of mine that I haven't met in a while. Both have a self-improvement bias. He was already ahead of me in terms of life success and self development from the last time I saw him, but now it seems like he is way ahead. This could all be bullshit, I don't actually know how much he has improved his life and what results he's been getting (in a holistic sense). That said it was apparent to me that his demeanor has changed, its apparent to me that now women isn't an issue for him. He seemed happy about his life and direction. It was clear that he was already a much more attractive man than 90 percent of other guys his age. One of the few times I feel somewhat jealous. I want to feel proud of myself like he seems to be. I want to achieve results like he has. Now it seems like I've just been completely left behind. I don't think he's doing much if not any of the philosophy work. but still, women is a big part of life this age. It's seriously fucking me up now. I am still a fucking virgin. No hate to the guy. Wish him best always, very good dude and kind to me. Im just being honest about how I feel. I feel bad that I haven't gotten the results although I put so much intention and effort. No women is really invalidating my worth in my eyes. I want high class girl, but not good enough yet and it hurts.

What is your favorite character from a movie/TV-series? For me, it's Gus Fring from Breaking Bad. Not because he is an evil drug lord, but because his level of attention to detail is inspiring. I feel that attention to detail is lost in most of the work that the general population produces. I would be lying if I said I was good at it. Nonetheless, the trait of being highly detail oriented is something I plan to incorporate into my daily life. I encourage you to pick a task, and attend to it with the intention of completing it with the utmost respect to detail. I encourage you to be meticulous, strive for excellency. Leo is right, there is a sort of satisfaction that comes from excellent work, detailed work. I love how Gus walks with attention to detail, wears his clothes with attention to detail, blends in to society with such amazing attention to detail. I love how he executes his small everyday actions, and his grand plans with the same level of attention to detail. It's so satisfying for me. If such attention to detail could used towards our goals and truth seeking, how far could we go?

I know Leo is against luxury or whatever. But I'll be honest. I love luxury. I want luxury. I've seen how lower income individuals live. The hardships. The struggle that's imminent in every moment. Many places in the first world is a bubble. The richer you are the more you seem to be in a bubble. But god is living in that luxury bubble just amazing. I love luxury. I love being treated like royalty. I love the idea of going in first class. Great hotels. So much more opportunity. High fashion. Don't get me wrong, I also love the idea of renting a van and traveling that way. That's super cool too, Im just saying being rich and having luxury is just great. Luxury means when I turn my computer on to use it, it never crashes. it's seamless. It means that I have 4 screens, a comfortable desk. The experience is different, the experience is amazing. I feel like that is what Apple sells. Man I love apple products for that reason. Its just seamless, everything works. Android isn't as luxurious. I remember as a kid rooting my phone, finding ways to root my phone putting in a custom rom. I mean I jailbroke my apple swell, but there is less need to. I remember playing watchdogs 2 in some shitty laptop. I went to the settings and increased the pixels significantly, to the point where I was playing in a completely pixelated screen. I didn't care, I still played and had fun. Luxury means playing in the best specs. Maybe the pursuit of perfection is what gives satisfaction. idk. Im yapping but whatever that's what I have the journal for. People who are rich live is a different world. It's so much more green. Probably because their lifestyle stands on the low income laborers. I want to be rich. I want to be able to afford the super oversized coffee and 300 meal in a restaurant every single day. No worries. I can worry in luxury. Money would protect me low-key. or not. One of the last things my grandfather told me was that : Money is always a problem, if you don't have it, it's a problem. If you have it then your busy protecting it from people so its a problem.

Sucks though. Same problem for me.

I just meditated. And did visualization...after a 6 hour study session of course. The meditation that I do now is body awareness meditation. In one of Leo's videos..I forget the title, but it talked about how we store tension in our body unconsciously, and that directing awareness to a specific part of your body could rid it of unnecessary tension. Body and mind is connected. Holding tension in your body can mess with your mind, and trauma, mental trauma, can be stored as tension to your body. I am not sure how much all of this is true. But when I did the exercise shown in the video (I was asked to direct my awareness to different parts of my body) I realized that I was in fact storing so much tension. And what was so cool was that my tension evaporated as soon as I directed awareness to that part of my body. Body and mind are in fact connected, psychomsomatic or whatever you call it. Anyway so, because of that video and nice it made me feel I decided to change my meditation style from simply fociusing on my breath to body awareness, After every body awareness session I feel so different. What really slaps is if I do body awareness meditation and then right after go for a walk. It's so amazing. im so curious. I am at awe on what is going on in the world. Im at awe that reality exists, that everything is so complex but complements and works together, im at awe that I am human, that I live in a society, so big, so relatively advanced., Im at awe that I might have had ancestors who lived I such a different, radically different world. I am at awe at the possibility of history being so much different then what was thought to me. Im at awe at the birds. At the fact that ideology exists. Im at awe that there are so many different paradigms, that language exist. Im at awe at all the complexity. How is this nothing but amazing. This is crazy. Those walks were the best I have ever had (2 so far) Other than that. Today was slow. Again I don't want to keep sobbing or whatever but yea I felt negative at times. Now I feel positive I just meditated. I feel pretty good. I want to write all my thoughts down. Yesterday I had great sleep and I thing writing down my thoughts might help. So that when I am asleep I don't stay awake thinking.

I feel super numb. I have contacted a Ramana Maharshi teacher. I am learning about that now. Plan is to finish this math exam, then language exam, then cram Ramana mahrashi for two weeks to I can make the best use of my teacher. I want to spend two weeks getting a good foundation on the theory, so I can turn it into consistent practice and get value from it over time. In addition, I need to learn another language as I am going on an exchange program. And while doing all the things I just said, I need to also go to the gym. I am out of shape. I really want to find a girl now. Long overdue. I feel so empty, I feel like I should be doing these things. What's really fucked for me is that I have been on this path for so long. The path to self development. But it seems like I keep taking step forward and two steps backward. Ironically, I have problems with women, whereas most people that don't have such a bias towards self-development have girlfriends and seem to be reasonably fulfilled. Im just venting. To be fair, I've had to deal with other struggles along the way that other "normal" people didn't; have. But I guess they had struggles I probably don't have too. I'm not sure. I'll be honest I just want to keep writing. I don't want to stop. It's giving me some closure. I'm not particularly sad but not happy, like numb. I want to feel something, with depth. Maybe it's just the exam season talking. It's constantly exam season. I need to pass this exam, so I can climb out of this situation . I want a women in my life, that I really like and a women that really likes me. It's really bothering me now and I am embarrassed by the situation I am in. I just hope that this journal is beautiful in retrospect. If and when I become successful I can imagine reading these paragraphs and feeling pride. But we're not completely there yet. We've made progress but there's so much more to do. I hope I get it done in time.

I leveraged superstitious OCD to make me study mathematics. I've been studying very hard, 6 hours a day, very intensely for 25 days now. The tactic works. I'm exploiting it. I hope I make it. I haven't journaled here for a while. I want to organize all my thoughts. I want to write here. Just without pressure. Although I studied very hard there's a topic I didn't fully cover yet. I had to chose between just focusing on what I know vs studying this topic (probabilities). I decided to commit to the topic. I am still empty. I want that "winning in life" feeling. I don't have it yet. I know some people have it. I know some people never feel it. I want to have it. I ignore problems temporarily just to get through my studying. I have some hairloss. It started due to poor sleep in the past. No-one in my family went bald early. My hair is falling a bit more now. So much effort to preserve it I am honestly scared. Will it affect my results on women. Can I fix it? Maybe I should just focus more on sleeping better and lifestyle. But Ive tried so much. I forgot how much I tried. You try so much you forget. Im so sick and tired of being worried of these disturbances, like hairloss, like the fact that I am not fit...the fact that I have so much work to do in therapy, the fact that I don't know what I want to do, and most of all, I am so worried. Am I even going to make it. Is it all just a pipe dream. I want to be successful. So successful. So successful. I want to win in all fronts. Can I even have it all? Wait I gotta go eat

@SOUL ong ahahaha

@Leo Gura Is this guide still good in your opinion?

I am studying for my mathematics exam, but am doing so at a very slow rate. I'm honestly panicking, handling the pressure is tough. My friend invited me to volleyball today evening, I ended up shouting at me because he needed a justification for why I am not coming. The exam is in a month, so there seems to be a lot of time, but I know that this exam is difficult and I need to use the time effectively in order to pass. I hate the fact that my friends think I am overreacting when I tell them that I want to work instead of hang out with them. They say that I don't work that much anyway, they laugh that I procrastinate so much anyway, might swell go out and hang. I hate this because they're right. I do procrastinate at times, but I am trying really fucking hard to change, to work more effectively, to reach my potential. So yes I feel like they're spitting in my face when they insinuate that I am overreacting or not disciplined. I haven't had much sleep. After my argument with my friend for some reason I've been super stressed. It's like every time I take a break I am proving him right, and that stresses me so much I just end up procrastinating more.

Will being less conformist get you less laid?

What does falseness even mean? Someone elaborate pls

Are you using Truth Seeking as a way to avoid action? My intuition tells me this: It’s hard to pursue the truth about something when it directly affects your survival, because in those moments, you stop seeing things objectively and start making conclusions that help you cope or explain your choices. This is something I keep running into. When you’re in survival mode, pragmatism is useful, and even though pragmatism isn’t necessarily about discovering truth, it gets you through tough situations. In many areas of life such as building a business, dating, and learning new skills, I catch myself getting stuck trying to “figure out” the truth before acting. For example, with dating, instead of just going out and meeting people, I overthink the whole process, trying to deeply understand how it all works. That can easily become a trap: the more you analyze, the more you might absorb ideas or beliefs that only serve to justify inaction. I see this same pattern everywhere. At the end of the day, a healthy dose of pragmatism is necessary. Sometimes, what feels like a search for truth is actually a subtle way of avoiding action. Bonus example in my life: Sometimes, I look at another persons progress and I make it a "truth seeking exercise" to figure out whether or not he will be more successful than I am. This often just makes me feel bad and prevents me from focusing on my tasks fully. In occasion, trying to understand the reality of a situation before committing to an action is necessary. But 9 times out of 10, my intuition tells me that it becomes an excuse to not do action.

Leo talked about making a video like this at some point.

Last message was just me crashing out. I'm so ambitious it hurts, I want to be great, I will be great, but that high standard hurts when your not close to it. It's been a month since I properly journaled. A lot has happened. Some I am excited to share here because it is a very important journey in my development. Firstly, I just want to say that I've passed all my exams for the second semester and am going to the second year which is great. I have one more mathematics exam to clear. If I clear the math exam I won't be carrying any subjects from year one to year two. Secondly, at my therapist session, I've uncovered and started to recognize the abusive parts of my relationship with my parents. I have great parents, they are good people, but some bad things they've done had incredible psychological impact on me. This was something that my subconconsious did not want to look at, but when I eventually did look at it, it was devastating. I can to the therapist complaining that I have an inferiority complex and a sense of very strong self-hatred. She suspected that the root cause was something else and we looked at my relationship with my parents. I won't elaborate too much, but to whoever reading, if you have inferiority complex, or emotional issues in your life, the root cause could be something or partially in denial about. Go to a therapist. There is no simple fix. Root causes can be incredibly complex. Processing through my trauma is something I have to do going forward. I've also looked at my own behavior towards my younger brother, some of which was abusive. I am making sure that mistakes I have done, or mistakes my parents have done to me isn't repeated with my younger brother or my children. I think the past two weeks have completely changed the way at which I will orient my life. A lot of my pain has been validated, and I am starting to love myself.

Fuck perfection.Fuck greatness.

awesome actually wanted that

Will the price increase?

Hey guys. I've had a complex developing for years. It surrounds general success and power. It started after a lengthy encounter with a narcissist, as he made me feel so powerless and insufficient, that I started romanticizing the idea of being "better than people". By nature, I genuinely enjoy seeing others succeed. But when someone’s success triggers feelings of inadequacy in me, especially if I feel looked down on, it hits extremely hard. It’s painful. The complex is growing stronger. The psychological ramifications for me are that I constantly feel horrible, disappointed with my self and afraid. I am incredibly motivated to better myself, but the direction towards which I orient my life seems to be less about what I want and more about preventing the feeling of powerlessness and insufficiency. Matter of fact, I want to be so much better than people that other people feel powerless and insufficient just like I did. I don’t want to live like this. I know this mindset is irrational and even toxic, but just knowing that doesn't stop the pain. When it hurts, the logic lowkey doesn’t matter I just want the pain to stop. It's becoming a big part of my life now. I will talk about it to my therapist soon. Do you guys have any advice on how to cure this? How should I phrase it with my therapist? I understand to some extent why elitists are so power hungry. I somewhat understand why they go through hell to get what they want.

Thank you for your response, this response I somewhat relate with. My session was very eye-opening, and wound opening. Basically my therapist wanted me to get into the root cause for my feeling of powerlessness. We uncovered my relationship with my mother. It was very abusive at times and I was somewhat in denial about it. Very intense session. I will update this thread with the aftermath, after my problems are resolved, or il start a new thread. Seems to me that we have to go very deep to solve problems like this. Root fixes take time and pain I guess. Fuck man.