UpperMaster

I feel super numb. I have contacted a Ramana Maharshi teacher. I am learning about that now. Plan is to finish this math exam, then language exam, then cram Ramana mahrashi for two weeks to I can make the best use of my teacher. I want to spend two weeks getting a good foundation on the theory, so I can turn it into consistent practice and get value from it over time. In addition, I need to learn another language as I am going on an exchange program. And while doing all the things I just said, I need to also go to the gym. I am out of shape. I really want to find a girl now. Long overdue. I feel so empty, I feel like I should be doing these things. What's really fucked for me is that I have been on this path for so long. The path to self development. But it seems like I keep taking step forward and two steps backward. Ironically, I have problems with women, whereas most people that don't have such a bias towards self-development have girlfriends and seem to be reasonably fulfilled. Im just venting. To be fair, I've had to deal with other struggles along the way that other "normal" people didn't; have. But I guess they had struggles I probably don't have too. I'm not sure. I'll be honest I just want to keep writing. I don't want to stop. It's giving me some closure. I'm not particularly sad but not happy, like numb. I want to feel something, with depth. Maybe it's just the exam season talking. It's constantly exam season. I need to pass this exam, so I can climb out of this situation . I want a women in my life, that I really like and a women that really likes me. It's really bothering me now and I am embarrassed by the situation I am in. I just hope that this journal is beautiful in retrospect. If and when I become successful I can imagine reading these paragraphs and feeling pride. But we're not completely there yet. We've made progress but there's so much more to do. I hope I get it done in time.

I leveraged superstitious OCD to make me study mathematics. I've been studying very hard, 6 hours a day, very intensely for 25 days now. The tactic works. I'm exploiting it. I hope I make it. I haven't journaled here for a while. I want to organize all my thoughts. I want to write here. Just without pressure. Although I studied very hard there's a topic I didn't fully cover yet. I had to chose between just focusing on what I know vs studying this topic (probabilities). I decided to commit to the topic. I am still empty. I want that "winning in life" feeling. I don't have it yet. I know some people have it. I know some people never feel it. I want to have it. I ignore problems temporarily just to get through my studying. I have some hairloss. It started due to poor sleep in the past. No-one in my family went bald early. My hair is falling a bit more now. So much effort to preserve it I am honestly scared. Will it affect my results on women. Can I fix it? Maybe I should just focus more on sleeping better and lifestyle. But Ive tried so much. I forgot how much I tried. You try so much you forget. Im so sick and tired of being worried of these disturbances, like hairloss, like the fact that I am not fit...the fact that I have so much work to do in therapy, the fact that I don't know what I want to do, and most of all, I am so worried. Am I even going to make it. Is it all just a pipe dream. I want to be successful. So successful. So successful. I want to win in all fronts. Can I even have it all? Wait I gotta go eat

@SOUL ong ahahaha

@Leo Gura Is this guide still good in your opinion?

I am studying for my mathematics exam, but am doing so at a very slow rate. I'm honestly panicking, handling the pressure is tough. My friend invited me to volleyball today evening, I ended up shouting at me because he needed a justification for why I am not coming. The exam is in a month, so there seems to be a lot of time, but I know that this exam is difficult and I need to use the time effectively in order to pass. I hate the fact that my friends think I am overreacting when I tell them that I want to work instead of hang out with them. They say that I don't work that much anyway, they laugh that I procrastinate so much anyway, might swell go out and hang. I hate this because they're right. I do procrastinate at times, but I am trying really fucking hard to change, to work more effectively, to reach my potential. So yes I feel like they're spitting in my face when they insinuate that I am overreacting or not disciplined. I haven't had much sleep. After my argument with my friend for some reason I've been super stressed. It's like every time I take a break I am proving him right, and that stresses me so much I just end up procrastinating more.

Will being less conformist get you less laid?

What does falseness even mean? Someone elaborate pls

Are you using Truth Seeking as a way to avoid action? My intuition tells me this: It’s hard to pursue the truth about something when it directly affects your survival, because in those moments, you stop seeing things objectively and start making conclusions that help you cope or explain your choices. This is something I keep running into. When you’re in survival mode, pragmatism is useful, and even though pragmatism isn’t necessarily about discovering truth, it gets you through tough situations. In many areas of life such as building a business, dating, and learning new skills, I catch myself getting stuck trying to “figure out” the truth before acting. For example, with dating, instead of just going out and meeting people, I overthink the whole process, trying to deeply understand how it all works. That can easily become a trap: the more you analyze, the more you might absorb ideas or beliefs that only serve to justify inaction. I see this same pattern everywhere. At the end of the day, a healthy dose of pragmatism is necessary. Sometimes, what feels like a search for truth is actually a subtle way of avoiding action. Bonus example in my life: Sometimes, I look at another persons progress and I make it a "truth seeking exercise" to figure out whether or not he will be more successful than I am. This often just makes me feel bad and prevents me from focusing on my tasks fully. In occasion, trying to understand the reality of a situation before committing to an action is necessary. But 9 times out of 10, my intuition tells me that it becomes an excuse to not do action.

Leo talked about making a video like this at some point.

Last message was just me crashing out. I'm so ambitious it hurts, I want to be great, I will be great, but that high standard hurts when your not close to it. It's been a month since I properly journaled. A lot has happened. Some I am excited to share here because it is a very important journey in my development. Firstly, I just want to say that I've passed all my exams for the second semester and am going to the second year which is great. I have one more mathematics exam to clear. If I clear the math exam I won't be carrying any subjects from year one to year two. Secondly, at my therapist session, I've uncovered and started to recognize the abusive parts of my relationship with my parents. I have great parents, they are good people, but some bad things they've done had incredible psychological impact on me. This was something that my subconconsious did not want to look at, but when I eventually did look at it, it was devastating. I can to the therapist complaining that I have an inferiority complex and a sense of very strong self-hatred. She suspected that the root cause was something else and we looked at my relationship with my parents. I won't elaborate too much, but to whoever reading, if you have inferiority complex, or emotional issues in your life, the root cause could be something or partially in denial about. Go to a therapist. There is no simple fix. Root causes can be incredibly complex. Processing through my trauma is something I have to do going forward. I've also looked at my own behavior towards my younger brother, some of which was abusive. I am making sure that mistakes I have done, or mistakes my parents have done to me isn't repeated with my younger brother or my children. I think the past two weeks have completely changed the way at which I will orient my life. A lot of my pain has been validated, and I am starting to love myself.

Fuck perfection.Fuck greatness.

awesome actually wanted that

Will the price increase?

Hey guys. I've had a complex developing for years. It surrounds general success and power. It started after a lengthy encounter with a narcissist, as he made me feel so powerless and insufficient, that I started romanticizing the idea of being "better than people". By nature, I genuinely enjoy seeing others succeed. But when someone’s success triggers feelings of inadequacy in me, especially if I feel looked down on, it hits extremely hard. It’s painful. The complex is growing stronger. The psychological ramifications for me are that I constantly feel horrible, disappointed with my self and afraid. I am incredibly motivated to better myself, but the direction towards which I orient my life seems to be less about what I want and more about preventing the feeling of powerlessness and insufficiency. Matter of fact, I want to be so much better than people that other people feel powerless and insufficient just like I did. I don’t want to live like this. I know this mindset is irrational and even toxic, but just knowing that doesn't stop the pain. When it hurts, the logic lowkey doesn’t matter I just want the pain to stop. It's becoming a big part of my life now. I will talk about it to my therapist soon. Do you guys have any advice on how to cure this? How should I phrase it with my therapist? I understand to some extent why elitists are so power hungry. I somewhat understand why they go through hell to get what they want.

Thank you for your response, this response I somewhat relate with. My session was very eye-opening, and wound opening. Basically my therapist wanted me to get into the root cause for my feeling of powerlessness. We uncovered my relationship with my mother. It was very abusive at times and I was somewhat in denial about it. Very intense session. I will update this thread with the aftermath, after my problems are resolved, or il start a new thread. Seems to me that we have to go very deep to solve problems like this. Root fixes take time and pain I guess. Fuck man.

Thanks for sharing the links. Therapist meeting tmr!

Yes. It is jealousy to an extent. The jealousy is what triggers trauma from the past. And then its really bad.

I appreciate the advice given. I'm not sure if applying your advice would work for me. As in idk if its that simple. The main thing I'm super scared about is coping. In the sense that I feel pain but am in denial about it. Maybe letting go technique can help.

Thank you. Yea I expect that alleviating these feelings are hard. Thanks for the book recommendation. I might do psychotherapy to help me with this A part of me doesn't even want to get rid of the complex, because that means it can potentially live out the fantasy of working and becoming better than others.

Okay, I understand

ahhh, so for you 1% is actually not a small percentage, because your looking at genetics from a wider perspective. Thats why you gave the chimpanzee example. 2% change in genetics could mean the difference between a human and a chimpanzee, and so even a little effort could (potentially) also mean the difference between a healthy individual and an unhealthy one. That said, small changes in genetics could mean big differences in health, temperament and bodily function, as seen with Tony Robbins. Thats your claim right?

From my understanding, genetics allows you to do anything. Thats like asking how important is a computer when it comes to coding. You can't code without a computer. I believe you made this clear in threads before and I agree with you. But then you said that health is 99% Genetics and 1% Effort. If you'd ask me, I wouldn't even separate the two, because Genetics is what allows you to put any effort. Without genetics, you can't put any effort. But you made that separation between genetics and effort in your statement. so I don't understand what 1% Effort even means here? I assumed that you were saying that 99% of your health depends on factors you can't control, and 1 % on factors you can control (in a practical sense, thats why I thought you were giving practical advice). From the experience and information I have now, and your teachings years ago, living a healthy lifestyle, having good sleep and diet can help you immensely in living a healthier life. That's why I questioned you judgment initially and asked you to provide context.

What does that mean? Is my intention wrong? I haven't gone through what you've gone through to understand and explore the reality of genetics. I also don't expect you to explain how you got to that conclusion in some random thread. But bro, a little context to why you think this way would be nice. How can I ever genuinely assess your observations on reality if you don't explain how you got there. I don't remember a blog or video on this topic, maybe you discussed it in another thread, I don't recall. Not trying to be a smart ass, I know you know that context is necceceary, I just don't understand what you want me do.

Okay, I just don't understand what the take away of this message is? What now I shouldn't prioritize health, like why even say that. Or is this just a truth statement? (oh even your ability to put in effort and fix health is genetic, so everything is genetic) bad lifestyle can hundred percent ruin your health also, you obviously know that because you preached it. I feel like I'm completely missing your message.

My insomnia has come back. So many years to get better just for it to come back. Fuck this. my hair will fall again. Do much I did to reverse it and it worked. but fuck now I’m cooked. I don’t want to go through it all again. maybe this time will be easier but I seriously feel like killing myself