UpperMaster

Sick idea

I'm not great enough

Yesterday me and my friend went pick-up. I couldn't muster up the confidence to do a single pick up. Right now while writing this I am sitting in the library and there's this girl that I would defenitly fuck. She's thick, she isn't conventionally attractive as nowadays people the industry prefers skinny, but she thick the way I like it. I want to go for her, but I just can't get myself to do so. Last time I did pick-up properly I approached like 5 woman, now I cant seem to do this. fuck.

A lot of things happened in my life since the last time I updated this journal. Firstly I went out with a girl 1 for lunch, I saw her in the library and decided to chat with her. We talked for hours and after our conversation ended a slid into her DM's and I set up a date. Date went alright, I don't know if I completely feel her. I asked an another girl (girl 2) out in the beginning of the year, she said she didn't have time so I thought that was a soft rejection and moved on. I didn't make it weird between us, I still teased her occasionally in class and kept it playful. Yesterday we talked, ended up going out on coffee. I think we were feeling each other. I think it went well, there's potential there. There's another girl on my mind, I never made any formal moves on her but I think I should. She is my type physically plus she has a great sense of humor. That's something I've been thinking about. In terms of my self-development, I've been thinking over the concept of trusting the process and how I haven't been doing that much in my own life. The idea is that instead of registering all my short term failures as failures, I start seeing them as necessary steps to success. I try to see failures as neccecary steps to succeed. Few days later I was gardening at my families house, and I was reflecting on how to do good gardening. The previous owner said something along the lines of "Its not about gardening a lot in a day, it's about gardening little by little every day". This made me reflect on the effect of long term investment into a project. This led me to watch Leo's video about long term investment twice. I think it's so important. It's obvious I must start investing now. I've been deeply trying to understand what to invest in. A huge dilemma I have been having is that you can't have it all, in the sense that you can't invest in everything and you must invest in the right things carefully. Before I used to think, "oh I might go build a business or become famous, make a fuck ton of money, have a bunch of sex so I can prove everyone wrong, and then I can live like I truly want". That can't be done, because building anything of value including proper fame takes time. So I can't pick everything. I have to make sure that what I'm investing in is something I truly care about. I have to eb strategic. Apart from that the last thing I want to share is my progression with the therapist. After our first meeting I wrote her a mail pretty much crying to her about all my problems (I won't share here), which surrounded a deep self hatred. This completely shifted the trajectory of our counseling and we talked more about that this time. She explained how, instead of looking at events chronologically, we recognize that there are several layers to this problem and we address it one by one over several sessions. This time we touched identity. This really was a weird to think about. Its weird because I don't want to share too may details here, but essentially we realized that I don't have a strong concept on who I am and what my identity is. Maybe a little context, I am a first generation immigrant, grew up here, so there might be a bit of ambiguity with what I identify with. She asked me, "who are you", there was a struggle to answer. I don't have strong roots into who I am. I explained to her my concern that although I understand the importance of having a foundation, I don't want it to cloud me, as I don't want it to interfere with my philosophy. Since with philosophy you almost have to get used to being groundless. Here we're trying to ground myself onto something strong. She understood so im happy about that. She asked me to write about an essay "Roots and resentment" roots probably referring to the what grounds me to who I am. She said they are contradictory but that's why I must reflect on it. I will do that. I almost forgot, I've been hitting the gym get. I even am getting my diet right getting enough protein. I also met an exchange student from the Netherlands today. idk random details but I thought it was cool. This is all for now, Im happy to keep this journal up. I hope I can grow a lot, the journal would mean a lot in retrospect if I actualize.

I’ve realized that my self-development journey has often been reactive, full of intense, emotion-driven insights that felt scattered and overwhelming. In retrospect, many of my reflections seemed inflated by the need for immediate change. I decided to consolidate all my thoughts in a list. I wanted there to be a delay between when I gained a potential insight and when I post it on this forum. Thinking Long-Term I recognize the importance of patience in the growth process. I may be rushing, expecting instant results, but real change takes time. I might already be on the right path; I just need to trust the process. Accepting Limitations I realize that I might have been in denial about my own limitations. I’m not as naturally sharp as I once thought, and things don’t come as easily as they used to. This doesn’t mean I’m failing—just that I need to be honest about my starting point. Reigniting Risk-Taking I've held back on taking risks lately, even though I'm naturally inclined to. I miss the thrill of stepping out of my comfort zone. Taking calculated risks brings growth and rewards. The Value of Spirit Having a lively spirit, a certain energy in my actions, is crucial. It’s this quality that keeps me motivated and moving forward. The True Reward of Risk It’s not the act of taking risks that drives me but the sense of release and satisfaction after succeeding at something challenging. That’s what I crave, and it’s a reminder to embrace the risk itself. Therapy and Focus (1st Therapist session on the issue of focus) I spoke with my therapist about my struggles with focus, especially during tests. She suggested I explore potential issues, like how I process information on screens versus paper. Even though I know I don't have dyslexia, I’m open to investigating all angles to work on this one step at a time. After this session, I realize how important it is for you to solve your own issues. Even a therapist (someone that wants to help you, and has the so called expertise to do so) can't always fix your life. In the end, it's you. I believed that ADD medication would solve my issues, but now I doubt that, it's me. Building Patience I recognize that patience is essential, and it’s something I need to actively cultivate. I am disappointed with any of my progress because for some weird reason I believe that it should all happen at once. Taking Responsibility I know that no one else can fix my situation for me. It’s on me to make the changes I need. This is thought that was reinforced after a therapy session. Waiting for the Right Moment My mom’s advice: “Wait for your opponent to make a mistake.” Everyone has flaws; instead of constantly making bold moves, sometimes avoiding mistakes yourself is enough to stay ahead. This was an insight I thought about this week. Gratitude I need to remember to be grateful for what I have now, not just focus on what’s missing or what’s next. I have so much. So fucking much. Embracing the Hail Mary I see value in going all-in on something risky, knowing that it could lead to something extraordinary. Fueling Motivation from the Past If I can recall the sting of feeling powerless, I could tap into a well of motivation that would keep me from settling or losing focus. I forgot the pain I felt from the past when someone did me wrong. Remembering that pain, makes me so motivated. It has a distinct flavor, but god it hurts. I completely flunked the math test which is amazing. I am going to start studying for the next one right away so it doesn't repeat itself.

Hey everyone, I wanted to get your thoughts on something important. Do you think it's beneficial to learn from spiritual teachers and mentors? I'm asking because I've been reading David Deida's work, and it feels really genuine and in-depth. I connect with a lot of his insights, which I don’t often find with other spiritual teachers. I even checked out his website and found a "Teacher Training for Men" he's hosting in March. I signed up to get more info, and the tuition is $7,500, which is a huge amount. I can't quite tell if the price is justified; he seems to be one of the best in his field, and I know that some business coaching costs even more due to the value provided. Also this isn't a regular training this is training for Teachers. So there's already a high barrier to entry. So, I’m curious—do you think an event like this is worth it and safe to attend? Another thing that crosses my mind is my uncle’s experience with a prominent spiritual teacher, Mata Amritanandamayi. He was very close to her organization, and they stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from him. I can't disclose how or why because I don't know, no-one tells me, and I didn't ask. But like that does scare me a lot, and I don't want to collaborate with corrupt organizations and people. I don't want to join a cult, I don't want to be brainwashed. I want to learn and grow. So, my question is: Are events like these safe to go to, and are they worth the investment? What are some precautions to take before learning from a spiritual teacher? ps: Im not planning to go to this specific David Deida event as its for experienced teachers I reckon. But I am interested in working with and learning from spiritual teachers in the future. So your important can be very helpful.

I feel incredibly emotionally unstable, with my mood changing frequently throughout the day. What’s most frustrating is how my worldview keeps shifting. In the morning, I see everything through a scientific lens, but by evening, I lean more toward spirituality, especially because I’ve had some experiences that feel supernatural. Then, the next day, I dismiss those experiences as mere coincidences. Later on, I adopt a materialistic outlook, where making money seems like the only priority, only to wake up the next morning convinced that making people laugh is what matters most. This constant change in values and perspectives happens every day, and I’m not sure why. There is a lot of evidence for this in this journal. It’s killing me inside lmao.

I struggle to have faith due to my own skepticism. I pray to god, the same way my parents do. I prayed to god for specific things when I went to pilgrimages and got them every time. It's actually crazy as they were very specific. But if I could always become hyper rational and dismiss it as "lucky". But I swear sometimes I feel like it's slight gaslighting. Reality is spectacular. How is this anything but magic. Or maybe science is right and I'm just imagining things. Possible. But swinging from one perspective to another constantly feels very unstable and really hurts emotionally.

I'm so unhappy thinking about truth, I am so unhappy thinking. Thoughts seem to be just random motion. Sometimes I am optimistic and the world seems fine, sometimes I am pessimistic, and I find every negative "fact" about the world to drag me down. My thoughts don't seem to bring me closer to truth or success (as I change my mind about things on a daily basis). I just feel like I am going in circles, and it's killing me inside. I can't seem to enjoy anything, even though I have many things to be grateful in life for. I want to do well in life. I want success. I want to understand truth but the emotional price to pay for all the debate and internal struggle is so much. Sometimes I feel like I am not getting anywhere.

I PASSED MY MICRO MIDTERM YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

This is stage orange redpill content but I think it slaps so I’m sharing regardless: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNecbp3br/ TLDR: Your attention is too valuable to focus on the problems and negatives, focus on the solutions and positives.

Fuck my ADHD il pass the test on Monday despite it.

I tried meditating btw and couldn't stick to it. Im not surprised but seriously I need help getting my life together and I don't think I can d it on my own. I've tried so many times but still didn't manage. I need help, I have a therapist appointment on Tuesday. I hope it goes well.

The reason why I am now more skeptical about spirituality in general because I value results in life and I know science can and has brought us a lot of results in the real world. The benefits of certain spiritual practices are much less apparent as that's a case by case. Whereas we have all benefited from technology. My mother did Reiki on me when I was younger at in worked. But it my head like I don't even know what to think anymore. Like I can name a coincidence but bro that's my grandma I don't think shed lie to me.

Today was me wasting a bunch of time. I started with the whole David Deida's teaching obsession. Some things he says touch me really really to my core I know he's right, but I always feel like my understanding isn't good enough to practice his teaching and that really worries me. Sometimes I think maybe all this spiritual shit is bullshit. Maybe physical reality is the only reality, and current science and materialism is right. I cant tell if I am wasting my time I also saw a quote by Robbin Williams which I thought was super insightful: Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.

I was minding my business, stressing about the upcoming exam. For whatever reason I started listening to the teachings of David Deida. I finally think I understand what he means by "relax into consciousness". He tells you to stop associating with your body, your thoughts and anything that appears in life as all of that is the feminine. What remains unchanged, that's consciousness. Recognize that you've been the same you ever since you were a child, even though all the cells in your body are different. That "you" that remains the same is consciousness. To focus on that consciousness and identify with it, and then relax with that identification is what I believe he means by "relax into the depth consciousness". Damn I thought I would love to learn from him. I went to his website and he's holding a training on March. It's like 7k. Idk that's a fuck ton ahaha.

Today was my best friend’s birthday, so a few of us planned a surprise for him. At the gathering, we smoked some weed, and I ended up talking to one of his close friends about business. The conversation didn’t feel right, though—he kept pushing his opinions, like he was more focused on impressing me than genuinely sharing ideas. I like the guy, but this chat was off. Maybe it was partly because I was high, but everything he said felt like he was showing off his knowledge rather than connecting on the topic. I found myself reacting with a bit of ego, too. His vibe even took me back to high school days, full of subtle power plays—he’d ignore me at certain points, and his first greeting was a passive-aggressive “how are you, little man?” I don’t know why, but I have this radar for people playing these social games, and it really irritates me. I want conversations to be real, not this constant back-and-forth of proving who’s better. The whole experience made me think about how pretentiousness gets in the way of true self-improvement. It reminded me of a period last year when I was studying for a math exam. I’d decided to stop comparing myself with everyone else’s progress and just focus on my path. I told myself motivation doesn’t matter and took things one step at a time, which worked—I ended up with a high grade. That’s what I want more of: genuine quality over talk. I don’t want to just show off; I want to actually be great. Cillian Murphy came to mind as an example of someone who doesn’t play social games and just lives authentically. He’s a fantastic actor who really seems to embody that approach.

I hate when people project an amazing personality, but when you get to know them they aren't super impressive. I hate fakes. I really like when you a person seems normal, but in reality they are super super impressive.

My mother always told me that you go to school to learn the art of learning. Once you master that art, you can pursue everything. I beginning to understand where she comes from

Damn I feel so much more confident. I don’t even know if I failed but the fact that I understood some things from the test makes me feel confident. i can see the value of true confidence, maybe if I take small steps then I can gradually take bigger ones. Maybe you can’t fake confidence, you build it slowly. But once you do it probably helps a lot.

Today was a special day. It was my first midterm this year. Micro 1 midterm 1. I went through this topic twice before. This was my third attempt. I have a good feeling about this one. Passing would be a confidence boost. Confidence in myself is what I really need right now. I have a math midterm in a week, which I am excited to prepare for and do well. I think I look forward to it because I felt confident in today’s midterm (I really hope I pass). I have a language test on the 21st aswell to November is super packed. Super packed. I hope all goes well.

David Deida preaches this mindset of giving to the world and not expecting anything back. To give without expecting to recieve. I am resonating with that message this morning. You can’t control whether the world you appreciate your effort, you can control whether or not you keep giving it your all even if the world doesn’t reciprocate for your efforts.

I used to despise the idea of destiny. Now I feel like it’s true intuitively. I think letting go and leaving it to my destiny is something I am forced to do. The more I contemplate, the more I believe in it. We actually don’t control anything things just happen. edit: main point I want to say is that the more I want to control things in life the more clear it is that life happens to me and I don’t control anything.

Just watched the video on how to be a man (advanced one). I thought it was very very informative. My notes: Be authentically yourself, embrace your femininity. Put your authenticity on the pedestal like how you put Hollywood masculinity on the pedestal. A real man brings the man into everything he does. Not all woman will like your authentic personality and that's okay. Authentic personality is what will attract woman. Neediness is the ultimate bitch repellent (Italy Maslow example) The activity doesn’t make the man. That man makes the activity.

I realize how it is a privilege to be able to improve. Some people can't afford to improve because their genetics or circumstance don't allow them to.