Xonas Pitfall

Got it. Hm, but what would you actually wish for? If your ideal outcome is something long-term, like "me and her as life partners," then focusing so much on youth doesn’t really make sense. It’s kind of like saying, "I don’t expect my life purpose business to succeed, but it’d be nice. Yet, I’ll still chase and focus mostly on the quick crypto wins because they’re more tempting, instead of sticking with the more reliable, long-term approach." I’ve always found it confusing when people say they want a deep, fulfilling relationship, but then put so much emphasis on youth, which is pretty much guaranteed to fade if the actual goal is something lasting. If the actual goal is long-term, why prioritize something temporary? That’s why I used the business example too.

Hmm... genuinely curious, not meant as an attack, but if you wish to grow together with your partner and embody something similar to that wholesome love you saw with the Christian and the atheist, how do you expect that to remain as your partner ages?

It's pointless to contemplate whether there is a heaven or hell. Even if hell does exist, and the reason you start to act morally is out of fear of ending up there, that means you were never truly "pure and good" in the first place. So, regardless, your judgment would still lead to hell. I don't believe in God in the religious sense that if you're "a good boy", you'll be rewarded, and if you're bad, you'll be punished with eternal damnation. But even if I entertain that idea for a moment, it doesn't change the core truth: to be truly good, you have to act out of genuine goodness. You should do what's right because you believe it's the right thing to do, not because of some external reward or fear of punishment. Basically, you should act good even if the most corrupt people somehow end up in heaven. That's what being truly good for goodness' sake means, it’s choosing the right action even if you don’t get any heaven or happiness in return.

What a gorgeous channel!

@Hojo Hmm... There are a lot of tricky things being said here, but I think the core idea is that as humans, or even just as "selves," we crave unconditional love. Unconditional love = permanent safety, and that’s deeply alluring to our sense of self-preservation, meaning, and our desire to feel important to someone or something in this world, regardless of gender. For example, I remember as a girl often fantasizing about finding a guy I could deeply love and make happy, fantasies of servitude, of giving everything to make someone feel cherished. This definitely played out in my relationships. I often found myself drawn to people who seemed either skeptical of true love or were dealing with sadness or depression. I felt a sense of fulfillment when I could impact their lives, making them feel supported, cared for, and unconditionally loved. I dreamed of embodying unconditional love for someone, and of being unconditionally loved in return. However, over time, I realized that the concept of “unconditional love” is flawed. We are, by nature, limited beings. We are not “God” in our human sense, so this ideal should never have been the goal. For example, we all have very specific conditions that need to be met to feel good. If I overheat your room to an uncomfortable temperature, you won’t feel happy or at peace. Similarly, just as happiness is conditional for us, so is our ability to love. To use shallow, stereotypical examples: many men might leave their wives if she just slightly tips the BMI scale into overweight, or if she gets too wrinkly or old for their taste. Many women might leave their partners if they’re shown more love or attention by someone more attractive, charming, or richer. So, this dynamic happens on both sides. When we talk about “unconditional love,” we’re often referring to a lesser form of conditionality: still conditional, just with fewer or different requirements. For example, a partner might not leave you the moment you seem weak or unappealing, or if you don’t have enough money. In return, you might not leave her just because she’s started being “naggy” or slightly disagreeable. Relationships with such fragile sensitivities would be considered shallow, whereas relationships where partners push through difficult times, like raising children, dealing with sickness, or standing the test of time, are viewed as having more depth and are considered closer to “unconditional” love. That’s typically the kind of standard we should aspire to. What I've realized in my own relationships is that we do, in fact, want specific things from our partners, which makes the relationship conditional. The more things we do for each other, the more we can feel assured of trust, love, and commitment, making it feel more “unconditional.” The more conditions we meet, the more unconditional it can feel. For example, in my past relationships, when a guy started ignoring me, preferring other people's company, speaking cruelly to me, or being negligent about things I was passionate about, I realized I could not remain "unconditional" in my love for him. It would hurt me too deeply. So, I started understanding more and more about what I needed from them, and what I had to be like to even expect that kind of treatment. It's an important question to ask: What exactly do I want from my partner? And am I the kind of person my partner would want to be with? To be “someone worth dying for” is no small ask. Some people expect perfection, God instead of Ego, an angel instead of a succubus. But what does it really mean for you to have someone whom you'd die for? What do they have to do, act like, be like? It's really important to get into specifics here so you can become aware of your own "conditions" and recognize that you're not truly unconditional either. The more we demonize the other side, the more our ego gets distracted from taking responsibility. We start to imagine ourselves as angels, failing to recognize our own limits. I fear this is also a general "Self/Ego" thing. I share this sentiment myself: "What... there's something out there that can show me unconditional love and help me love myself too? How beautiful!" That’s why God represents the highest form of beauty, and why the ego finds it so appealing. This is just one form of Love. For example, studies show that husbands are significantly more likely to leave their wives when the wife becomes seriously ill, compared to the reverse situation. One study found that when a woman is terminally ill, her male partner is about 624% more likely to separate from her. This disparity is often linked to traditional gender roles, where wives frequently take on the caregiving role, and a wife’s severe illness may disrupt the couple’s established dynamic. I think, in general, society conditions men into certain forms of expressing love, and less so into others. For example, a man might be more willing to fight, protect, or destroy for someone he loves, especially for something he perceives as "beautiful, innocent, pure, and worth protecting." However, if that thing no longer seems the same to him, perhaps it becomes less beautiful, or he judges the person’s character as less perfect than he expected or wanted, then that’s where his love may stop. If expressing love requires taking on a more feminine role, such as caring for a sick partner, that’s often where his expression of love may also falter. On the other hand, women are often societally conditioned to surrender themselves to the needs of their partner, family, or career, especially when it comes to children. From a young age, many women are taught that selflessness is a virtue, that their role is to nurture, care, and put others first. They are less frequently encouraged to take on roles that are seen as domineering, aggressive, or confrontational, which are typically reserved for men in many cultures. As a result, when a woman's expression of love is expected to manifest primarily in nurturing, emotional support, and caregiving, it can sometimes limit her capacity to express love in ways that go beyond these traditionally feminine roles. This means that when the situation requires a more aggressive form of protection or fighting for what she loves, such as in a difficult or life-threatening situation, her expression of love may be more limited. I hope you get my point: men and women each have their ways of showing care, and also ways where their care may be weaker, either due to societal conditioning, gender roles, or biology. Nonetheless, just blabbering... 😅 I really hope I don’t come off as confrontational or dismissive of your experiences. What you described above sounds terrible, and I’m sorry you’ve been treated that way. However, I do feel that what you're describing is more indicative of the broader corruption of the human mind and ego, rather than something strictly gender-specific. Gender issues, as I mentioned in my previous post, often stem from the over-idealization of the "perfect other" and the over-idealization of ourselves as good partners. We don’t always address our own issues with boundaries, how we act or behave, and who we end up choosing in our minds versus the reality of those choices and the person at hand. That’s when the cycle of disappointment sets in, and then we tend to project those frustrations onto an entire gender, which only exacerbates the issue.

@Hojo What do you mean here?

It seems to me that both men and women grew up with some form of idealized fantasy about perfect love. We were sold on it through movies, shows, unconscious archetypes, and projections. As children, we also saw the world through rose-colored glasses, innocent, unaware of survival instincts and ego, so those early imaginings became very dear to us. Adding a spiritual angle, if we believe we’re all expressions of God (or Love), then it’s natural to dream to that extent. I guess this applies to most things in life: dream jobs, the impact we hope to have on the world, our beliefs about human nature, friendships, even our own talents and capabilities. Over time, we’re slowly confronted by limitations. I suppose I started wondering how, even though we all have our own “distorted fantasies” that eventually get challenged, the nature of those fantasies often seems fundamentally different between men and women. That made me curious about how each side sees the other, how those expectations play out in real life. For example, someone might expect a confident, protective, gentlemanly “Prince Charming” but end up with an emotionally unavailable, lust-driven cheater. Or, conversely, expect a loving, nurturing, kind “angel” and instead meet an attention-seeking, manipulative succubus. (Of course, that’s heavily stereotyped on both sides.) We hope for God and end up facing the Ego, and the cycle continues...

Definitely, that person sounds incredibly cruel, reckless, and inconsiderate. It's not how a person who loves you would ever treat you.

@Hojo I'd love for you to expand on this more if you're comfortable with it. If it's too much or triggering, feel free to let me know, and I’ll back off. I can just be very curious, so I tend to ask a lot of questions... But I'd really like to understand how the fantasy is played out and seen. What traits do you typically associate with it? Do you have a particular image in your mind, like someone in a white dress, maybe blonde with blue eyes, or a nurturing, empathetic personality? Warm, waiting for you at home? I’d love to see it from your perspective, as fleshed out as possible.

@Hojo I see... I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Hugs. It’s definitely not as black and white (they are demons, they are angels); it’s really about people being toxic on both sides of the spectrum. But I get that the discussion here isn't the most productive. If I may ask, what do you think is initially thought of women? I am trying to understand the idealistic fantasies that men/society can often put onto women. By the way, I am not saying this in a negative light; I was just always curious about "archetypal" ideals on both ends, so I thought I could ask you from your POV. Hence, why I asked about fairies, angels, etc.

Hey! Do you mind me asking more about this? What do you think is the ideal male fantasy? How do you think men often view women? What kind of archetypes can they fall into? Sirens, angels, fairies, etc?

I love this so much! Bless Leo! ❤️ Happy Halloween! 🎃

Nope! Men do it a ton, too. What people call trash‑talk, bro‑talk, banter, or teasing are often just forms of social shit‑testing!

Shit tests are really just playful banter! When you’re unconsciously picking out your male best friends or noticing which friendships or couples have the best “dynamics,” it’s usually the ones who can bounce off each other, trash-talk, poke fun, and be silly together. That’s really all it comes down to. The "coolest" guy in a voice chat during gaming is the one cracking jokes and just having a good time. Dating’s no different. The way you might joke with a friend is often the same way a girl will joke with you, just with differences in style and humor. So, the way you’d want your friend to respond to some playful banter is how you should respond to her teasing, too. Of course, I know some people take shit tests way too far with nasty comments, and those people aren’t worth your time. But the normal, light-hearted “shit tests” are just fun. I remember a video where Leo talked about a stunning girl, jokingly saying she had a cock to "throw him off his game". He was shocked and recognized it as a “shit test.” In reality, it was just a playful jab. Still, since he responded calmly and with humor, he “passed” the test. It’s the same with friends; those who don’t get all whiny about a little trash talk are the ones who end up being the closest hommies!

In these types of posts, we always need more information. What type of women are you pursuing? Be objective. How attractive are they compared to you? (I'm just saying this because you'd be surprised how many people pursue extremely attractive individuals, yet they themselves aren't investing in themselves. Think about the stereotype of an "incel" or "femcel" pursuing an attractive partner and then getting frustrated. I also don't mean just lookswise, but overall.) Again, I’m not saying this is you, but I want to address it up front because it happens more often than people realize. How many women are you actually approaching per day? First, track how many women you approach daily. Be objective and honest. Sometimes, you'd be surprised how many people say they talk to women but actually only approach 5-20 women in a year or even less. Then, they extrapolate this small sample and assume they’re unwanted. You want that number to be as high as possible. Think of it like someone applying to only 5-20 jobs in a year and assuming they’re unemployable. Once you address volume, it matters how you’re approaching them. How are you approaching them? How charming or pleasant would you say you are? How many different tactics or places do you test each week? (For example: day game vs night game, dating apps, meeting during mutual hobbies, bars, restaurants, through friends, workplace, etc.) The equivalent would be a person sending out 500+ job applications with the same CV, no personalization, not iterating the CV after every 30+ rejections, and not exploring different ways to get into companies. Lastly, what do you even want? How authentic would you say you are? Make sure you’re clear on that. If you just want sex, then places where you meet more promiscuous women would likely give you a better chance. Some guys tell themselves they only want sex but end up pursuing women they want for a deeper relationship, or vice versa. They have higher standards but all they really want is validation and sex. Be clear on your goal. TL;DR: This is a process, almost like a job hunt. You can dissect each part of it and troubleshoot until you find the "faulty" areas or the reasons you're failing. Who are you (your values, traits, personality, looks, social skills, communication, confidence, masculine/feminine traits)? Rank yourself objectively. What do you want? Is it a quick, shallow interaction, casual sex, friends with benefits, something more kinky, short-term, long-term, or a life partner? Depending on your answer, you can define your standards more clearly. What woman do you want? How many women are you speaking to per day? Can you increase that volume? Why or why not? What are the personalities of these women? Where are you meeting them? Does that match the type of personality you want in a potential partner? If yes, can you find more places like that? If not, how can you adjust and move? When you talk to them, how would you rate your interactions? How awkward or "autistic" do you feel? What are their objective responses? Are they excited, confused, uncomfortable, coy, flaky? If you have issues here, troubleshoot: learn to be more confident, practice alone, record yourself (audio/video), get help from others, or find a charismatic wingman (guy or girl) to mirror and learn from until you get better, even copying the conversation style of someone on YouTube or social media that you like can work too. You need a good reference point for what confidence and charm look like. How many numbers, Instagram follows, replies, or follow-ups are you getting? This is another objective measure. How good are you at following up with them? How firm and confident do you sound? Honestly, I’d even suggest that if a girl isn’t interested but still seems friendly, ask her (or a friend) for objective feedback on why she wasn’t into you. This can help you improve. How confident are you when it comes to pursuing sex? Some guys self-sabotage because they’re subconsciously too worried about performing well, so even if they could have been more assertive, they detour and hold back. There are so many factors in this...😓 It's tough to know exactly what’s going wrong. If you’re feeling lost, try getting someone to come with you and observe your approach to give you feedback. You can even ask here for more specific advice. But if you don’t have someone, troubleshoot each step of the process until you can pinpoint the "blind spots" that are holding you back. Also, be careful not to fall into a victim mentality. Women might have it easier when it comes to pursuing, but they face many challenges too. They more frequently face challenges like love bombing, manipulation, potential assault, not receiving genuine commitment, being treated unequally, and being seen as just sex objects, among other things. You’re focusing on one aspect of the dating scene and getting frustrated because it seems like others have it easier, but you're overlooking the other struggles they face. It's like saying, 'Look at that software engineer making a 100k salary, I wish... his life must be so easy' without considering the stress of the job. I’m not saying this to make you feel ungrateful or bad, just trying to shift you out of a victim mindset. Again, you said it yourself, you want this, and it won't go away, and that’s completely okay. So, ignore excuses, take responsibility, and troubleshoot. Iterate on all the aspects mentioned above, treat it as a process, have an objective way to track and evaluate yourself, and keep improving. Worst case scenario, you’ll become an incredible communicator and work on your self-improvement, which I truly doubt won’t lead to success with women, too! Good luck!

Yes! That is God! God is Everything, All, and Infinity. The moment you try to talk about it or explain it, you limit it. You could start listing the digits of pi, but no matter how many digits you write, there would always be more digits to come, stretching on infinitely. There’s no “end” point where you can say, “Okay, that’s all of pi.” You’d never finish, because infinity has no final point to reach.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Can I present myself as a g̸̢̨̨͎̱͚̫͈̦̜̺̪̺̔l̷̨̧̨̠̻̪̗̺̹͊̅̅̽̔̀̂͆͌i̷̟̼̙̓̌̇͋̀t̶̡͙̝͔̗͓̹͓̜̝̞̒̚͜ċ̸̢̼͉̮̦͉̘̤̰͕̺̙̜͎͑̆̂̀̒̕h̵̢͔͍̱̦͈͛̃̂̋͌̊̽̽͊̕͝͠ in your hallucination? I'll become the false "Other" that seems to exist beyond your agency! And then you’ll fragment, fragment, fragment, fragment, endlessly, trying to expand your sense of self just to comprehend me… all the while, you could have simply conjured Recursoinominado as a billionaire. Instead, he’ll forever carry anger toward me, and his ego will haunt my specter, casting a shadow of generational wealth disparity. Oh no, what have you done, Zeroguy..!? Be more grateful, you must!

@theoneandnone Self-Love!

It's called Maladaptive Daydreaming, you can look it up! I had it since I was very little, from 3-4 years old. I’d say to enjoy it if it’s not hindering your day-to-day life in some way. I used to do it all the time until I couldn’t anymore due to life’s responsibilities. Imagination is fun!