spigot

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of emotions and are trying to find a rational understanding of these emotions. I personally find when emotions are overwhelming to the point that they are taking over and creating cognitive distortions (as in the case of spiralling into "shut down" mode and ultimately "kill myself"), it could be more helpful to address the present rather than trying to finding a generalizable answer (such as the root of all emotions). One set of techniques you could apply to better understand your own numbing behaviors, overwhelming feelings, and dangerous thoughts is CBT, which interjects between triggering events and the patterns of Behaviors, Thoughts, and Feelings to ultimately change them. Here is a pretty comprehensive resource, though a therapist trained in CBT would be better able to guide you. Toward the numbing, it sounds like you are conscious and want to make some changes, but perhaps stuck in unlocking motivation. Dr. K (HealthyGamerGG) has a lot of videos that dig into motivation, here is one: Hope this is somewhat helpful. Good luck, sending love and well wishes your way. ??

I've been loving learning about spiral dynamics as a way to frame my thinking around my work and career. This is all fairly new to me but it's been super useful as a way of thinking through my own transitions in life, and I was wondering if this community had some guidance in how stage Yellow fits in with modern society's version of work and career. Here's where I am for context: my upbringing was very Blue (traditional and religious), my college to early career at a tech startup swung heavily Orange (science, logic, individual achievements), and finally in the last 5 or so years - with tons of stage Green idealism and thinking there is a "right way" things should be (equitable, just, relief of suffering) - I've switched to the nonprofit sector. We've actually had a lot of success in terms of measurable impact for great causes, but personally, the early years starting our nonprofit were really rough. Learning about the systemic issues and history of our society from a Green lens was super challenging since I took on the suffering of others too personally, and I found my heart breaking all too frequently in this work. Being so tuned into each disaster or crisis as they arose really humbled me quickly. So I sought a new frame of thinking and through a ton of spiritual work, reading, and resources like Actualized.org, I've been able to zoom out further and have caught glimpses of stage Yellow. The knowing that everyone is on their own path has brought me a lot of inner peace, but my problem now is that my motivation toward work has been completely flipped. Previously, both Orange and Green lit a fire under me for work so I could grind through it all. Green had a lot of self-sacrifice for the sake of the mission, a lot of "servant leadership", but at the detriment to my own well-being. Now that I know that there is way, way more to life to enjoy, and that people/society is on its own course that I can only affect minimally, my motivation for work in this field has become weak. The nonprofit sector in the US is mostly Blue/Orange and falls into grueling fundraising cycles and limited resources. Given all of this, it makes me want to "step back" career-wise and find a more balanced job that doesn't feel like it's on fire all the time so that I can relax, possibly make more money before I have children, and overall enjoy the life around me more fully. But is this a regression into Orange thinking? Is it just that my mindset needs work, and there's a way to fully immerse and embody the grind for the sake of serving the collective journey to consciousness through Self-Love in Yellow/Turquoise? The work I do is probably one of the most direct ways of serving that cause at scale, so it almost feels like a shame to let it go. Leo described Yellow needing other people's help to get "the work" done or needing to fit into the limitations of a non-Yellow society. So how do the Yellows do it? What are your thoughts on finding motivation for work in stage Yellow or maybe even Turquoise in the backdrop of current state of work and careers? Also any resources, tangential bits of knowledge, quotes, Yellow role models in work would be helpful. Thank you!