Hi everyone,
I'm hoping to find some advice for something that happened a few months back which took over me completely and unexpectedly and i've not been able to go back to being fully myself since.
I'm 35 and have never had a panic attack before.. ever. Nothing even mildly related like shortness of breath etc.
About 4 months ago, i was laying on my bed in pitch black and for the first time was randomly exploring with existential questions like "what am i" or "what is life about" even more bizarre things like "why am i human, and not a dog" "What has caused me to be here, in this body, on this particular planet" some deep questions which up until now, I've never once turned inwards and asked myself.
It's hard to convey in words but when i was asking these questions to my mind, my mind was responding with my own conditioning and i wasn't getting anywhere, but once i settled in further and posed the questions without the mind but more with a sense of curiousness through feeling - it triggered the worst episode of my life in the form of a huge feeling of death washing over me.. It was so turbluent, unexpected and strong that i completely froze up and my body became stiff like a board. The actual panic attack itself only last around 3-5 seconds but it was enough to shake me up quite badly. The very thing that became the trigger was not knowing who.. at my core.. who or what i am.
I couldn't sleep properly for the next 10 days due to a persistent vibration in my head preventing me from being able to sleep. I had to take time off work, as i found it hard to speak on the phone.. my voice was racked with fear when i was speaking with friends even though the ordeal had passed... it was like my mind was still stuck in the past.
After about 10 days, some of the buzzing in my mind subsided, and i was able to get 6 hours sleep and eventually sleep as normal maybe a week after that.
Once i started feeling better, i came to understand, or think, it is only in my mind and it can't kill you and decided to do the same again (stupid i know).. well the same happened again.. however, this time, i was more prepared and managed to close it off before it completely took over.
I've not gone there since, but since it's happened.. it has left this huge fog like weight in my mind and i get tired easily.. i have to nap through the day and i'm finding it harder to get out of my bed.. like it's a real struggle.
I have since been doing vipassana meditation, and again, when i go deeper into it and and relax... around the 1hr mark it tries to surge up again and it's very difficult to simply "be the watcher" when something like this is so strong and grips your mind immediately. It's not like watching thoughts of the past or future or sitting in discomfort this wants to take over me completely.
I'm hoping some of you might be able to give me some practical tools/methods to help me try and work through this slowly. I'm sleeping a bit better now, but have lost enthusiasm for many things, can't concentrate as i used to and it has increased my anxiety ten fold.
Thanks,
Brad
