Yoremo

can´t sleep though. FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. My legs feel like there is an fucking ocean swirling around, it is so much circulation — has it always been this or am I just more aware of it? I think it is just my fucking training. So fucking annoying, it is fucking 11 pm!!!!!!!! I will get 7 hours if I were to fall asleep at this moment. *deep breath and now I am calm. Now I am going to take it easy, take a small walk in the house, go to the toilet whatever, and then just lie down in my bed and just lie there, I am going to try and not to sleep (have you forgotten this you little grabb). listening to some sooooothing music and the winds outside the house, calm down dude. I think this might be that I am charging at my emotions head on more that I usually do, or not, but it is good though. If it is that then I will gladly sleep a bit worse for a while to have the emotional intelligence later on adn the self knowledge that I feel that is coming out of just the shadow work and sedona method as I will call it from now on (maybe need to check if sedona method is what I am doing though) probably though, this is just that I did this workout late and then ate dinner after and then tried to sleep with my body still in action. I need to be able to calm myself down more. It is weird, I do my 30 minute meditation before I go to bed every night and I feel completely relaxed as I did today aswell, but still my body hasn´t calmed down for real after 30 min, it is still going. Probably saying more about my emotional state than my meditation "skills". I want to love everybody, feel love for the people I have looked at in disgust. I want to meet my emotions head on and say it is okay and accept them as they are and feel good about doing this. I want to experience life, go out and meet new people, go out in the world with friends, connect (I got tears from thinking about how connecting to people is something I am craving so much, connnection on a deeper level), to connect to nature and animals, to achieve higher and higher levels of mastery in some inspiring and driving craft of mine, to feel those feelings which I am dreaming of in my mind, taken from my imagination and from all the books and small glimpses of those emotions in my life. I feel as though I am heading in the right direction in life, but I can´t help but think about "what if I fuck up and just quit these awesome things I am finding out to do?". Maybe I will. But I don´t think so, not in the scale I have done in the past because I want to do something now, and I feel that the things I am learning about things like purpose, emotions and other stuff will make it impossible for me to fall back again. But I don´t have that complete knowledge to back myself up so I need to step up my game in learning. I am thinking about going in to town on the weekends and going to the library in town and just sitting there watching videos and reading books about this stuff so I can get something done so I don´t need to listen to my family being negative and self sabotaging. But maybe the library is closed - it was open from 10 am to 4 pm so I can get some gnarly good hours of learning, I could make that atleast one day and then also read or meditate on the bus there and home so it will be gnarly good (as the weekdays are). becuase that is what I am trying to do at home but can´t because I am always trying to find a safe and quiet place to be at, but the library is quite nice so I´ll go there (maybe I can meet someone there too, or meet up with someone in town while I am at it? would be a great fucking day). Maybe do some pickup tries on people (?). Or am I too much of a pussy still? probably and it is probably too hard for me to do something like that but if I see a good looking girl alone (so I don´t feel judged by other people) that might be a good way in to pickup. Actually I hope to get a girlfriend (just to try it out) soon, but also not because that would make me forced to work harder. But having a girlfriend would alleviate that stress of being a virgin and never having had a girlfriend. I have always wanted do have a girlfriend but i got the wrong picture of how to get in bed and make them my girlfriend, I always was afraid to physically escalate because of the whole metoo thing but now I realize that is just my ego finding some good excuces as to why I should keep being a loser — no more. I have been afraid to escalate it into something serious because I have been afraid to go to far and be to pushy and hurt the girl emotionally (so in that sense I have been a "nice guy") but I now know that I can escalate and if things "go wrong" I can just apologize and go on, on her if she just wasn´t ready or just leave her. I have also been afraid of others opinions because I have myself always looked at guys who approached girls and escalated as disgusting (because I don´t dare to myself) and I am afraid that others will view me as a player or a fuckboy which I really don´t want to be viewed as. But i guess as long as I am myself and having the foundation authentic and genuine in everything i do I will be alright even if I make mistakes. Because other than that I think I am a pretty naturally attractive and charismatic guy. But that has of course sometimes been a show in the past but it has been a show mostly when I have felt good and becaue of that not been myself (maybe I don´t feel so good all the time bro). But I want to build myself up with this emotional work among other things such as life purpose and health adn stuff so I can be the person I want to be and live the way I want to live, without having to "fake it till you make it" as I have done so much in the past. Fuck, I have written for 30 min. feeling tired af but can´t sleep, and I know tomorrow will be hell but I feel a lot bettter after writing a bit. I want to be (PLEASE BRO HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABEL FOR THIS AND REMEMBER THIS WHEN YOU ARE MORE SUCCESFUL) the guy that includes and is ME to everybody, the doorholder, the waiter, even people I know I will never meet again. If I can accomplish this then I am on my way of doing what I want with my character in that facet of life. Being that friendly person, but being me, not just being "nice" — noone likes a nice person except for the weak and insecure people. Me being a fully integrated (think I know wtf that means) human being being myself authentically genuinly and finding pleasure in just doing that and having nice interactions with people. I want to find the strength to forgive my parents and everybody else. I am finding strength through a lot of new things right now, but one new thing which I think will be GREAT is ice baths. I have a pond outside and I break the ice on that bitch and just lie down there with freezing water up to my neck, with my hands clenching against my thighs and breathing violently firstly, then....... calm. Feel fucking poetic writing "calm" down becaues it is such a nice feeling when you are in that. Thanks Wim Hof, you fucking inspiration. I love that guy. And my pond has nice plants in it aswell so I smell of them after and it smells like the finest perfume you will ever encounter. And the CONNECTION I feel is insane, it is a grounding practice and I feel grounded in the plants and birds and animals around me and I feel better afterward in every way. Have only done it 3 times and the good feelings don´t last so long now but since I have done this in the past I know it will get better, especially when I don´t get cold anymore and I LOVE that. I feel so fucking masculine (maybe this is toxic but wtf I don´t know) when I am going round in a fucking t-shirt being HOT in the midst of fucking winter when all the female guys can´t even stand it with 5 layers. Well that last part is just something else, I don´t even know what. But I feel fucking powerful atleast is what I am trying to say, fuck the cold (love the cold) and stay warm. HAHA to stay warm I have to stay cold I want to connect. I love people, I am a highly extrovert being conditioned to believe that socializing isn´t somehting that I can enjoy or even partake in, but I am longing for it. I am seeking for it. And I get it, in small doses in school. But I feel like a fucking beta right now and I don´t like that. But to be a real alpha later on and not a macho, toxic alpha as I was before I think I need to taste the low parts of the hierarchy aswell. Now I understand betas. I am them, I am me, I am everything? what the fuck do I knwo I am just copying bro. Ok, I don´t want to stop writing, but I think I have to go to sleep. Please just do that. You are better of trying to sleep in the dark for some time in darkness than wrting on this journal tbh. My body feels weird. My whole experience of life seems a bit moved and changed after shamanic breathing and meditation, and I do feel osme resistance to it, egoic response to development or just a response to something getting weird? I think they both said the same thing tbh. "not everything you feel is true" — sounds better in my language but but. It resonates because I have seen this so much. much rather 1% improvement every day than trying too much and giving up right away? this i learned from atomic habits, which is really good. I am so slow at learning and reading books though. I need to do something about it, right! the library at the weekends.... mumble mumble goodnight even though I feel a bit stuck

so somehting I thought about recently: I have always felt very separated from people, but now today reading one person´s journal on here talking about his (I think it is a he) thoughts and they were so close to how I have thought in the past! and I also saw myself in a person on school today (through first seeing through my ego and bullshit explanation) and saw how he, just as I thought the same about a thing. It was this feeling that you are "leading" the group adn the discussions and being the mature one, I saw him in that as I have been there myself (nothing really bad about it, a bit egoic to think this way maybe but that is not th epoint in that example). I have concentrated on my breathing during the so "hard" workouts that I have complained about in my journal, but through my newfound knowleedge of accepting and feeling the pain and allowing it + breathing consciously (I notice I sometimes stop to breathe when it gets really tough and that is when I get the most burning sensation) so this really helps Feeling better and better. Doing what I am supposed to do and just missing out on some stuff everyday but less everyday (today my sleep as I am watching this I should be asleep but I so wanted to write this out first aswell as I was a bit upset in my stomach so I "wasted" some more time than I wanted before my long workout so here I am haha). Feeling good in school and wiht the mates, talking and will try and get a "in" to try and get out socializing. I thought I would try and ask people questions that I am comfortable to ask, like "what are you doing on the weekends?" to look like I am just asking not wanting anything (I am still too insecure about that but it is getting better) One profound insight (atleast for me) I had today is how to approach goals and dreams. So here it is: so in my training I was so excited for change and development but here I am 14 weeks later and just now I see a LITTLE development. In week 6-10 (sometuihgn ike that) I was so impatient with my results and I was resisting the lack of results (this is about accepting and this which I have been doing from leos "how to handle strong negative emotions" — sedona method I think it is called) so that I was feeling really bad about myself and I was GRINDING through the sessions adn it was really tough on me mentally and I was crying during and after some of those sessions really badly and felt completely hopeless. Now however I am independent of the result (more atleast) and I dont care. It was hard to make that cahnge but I did it through that I felt the initial mindset of being dependent of the outcome was making me feel bad and then during a test which I do every week to track progress my mentality was "either I am independent of the result or I am going to play a game of hoping that the development is really bad" so that I don´t take it so seriously. And now it feels good again!!! I have had 2 or 3 sessions now which didn´t feel like hell, yes they were hard but through the right mindset, the right breathing adn some other stuff like persevering in the putting tension in my feet I now feel a lot better about going to do the workout than before. And the thing that I felt is my meditation practice actually, because in th ebeginning of my meditaiton practice (8months ago or so) I was really dependent on the results. However I didn´t get any, and so I grew tired of waiting for the results of meditation and I just kept doing it because it feels kind of good when I do it. Now I haven´t even gotten that much benefits of meditation yet even though I have practiced it for 30 minutes a day (with maybe 40 days missed in these 8 months if I am going to be honest but that is a lot better than 8 months missed!!! going to get better now though and my habit tracker is really motivating me!!) but now it is just autopilot, and I don´t care so much about the results. I am going back to the practice though sometimes and trying to make it better but the most important thing I feel is just doing my best that I can do now. This insight is me feeling intrinsically motivated by the habit, not because I neccesarily like it but because I want the outcome and so I mainly focus on the process. I think this is wise but I have troubles defining it a bit right now as I just thought of this like 1 hour ago. good night champ

SHADOW WORK I am inviting you, the feeling of shame to discussion. 3 it is making me feel bad for trying new things it makes me feel weird and insecure about myself when I am doing something which I haven´t done in the past it makes me feel this way when I am trying hard to develop or accomplish something it makes me super aware of other people´s reactions to what I am doing, I am watching and. being hypersensitive and searching for signs of someone judging me it makes me stop doing or stop trying as hard and makes me try to achieve some kind of normal — decided by what people around me are doing it makes me think about if I am maybe doing something wrong and then makes me anxious that people will laugh at my stupidity it makes me try to change myself to some kind of normal and it won´t stop tugging at me until I don´t have that feeling anymore but then I am also not my authentic myself anymore it makes me afraid to start new things because I am afraid of it, both just the feeling and the consequenses the feeling is proposing to me (judgement) it makes me feel dirty for being, wrong for being when I am ambitious and trying things that I feel is beyond myself I feel it 2 what are you? I am what you think people will do to you, I am the idea of a catastrophic social disaster for you why are you bothering me? because you are weak and you care about people´s opinions in a fundamentally flawed way what would you want me to do instead then of what I am doing to get rid of you? you would have to stop imagining or guessing the emotions and thoughts of others. Listen to other people opinions, yes, but take them to heart? not always why is it that I am doing this very anxious guessing game? because you have been afraid to do something which other people don´t want. You have something inside of you which craves other people to like your idea and conform to you for you to feel good. You can´t just be yourself without having the confirmation and recognition from others where does this craving and need come from? it comes from valuing people´s opinions too much. You are putting value on random people´s opinions isn´t that normal? define normal fuck, well I guess "normal" isn´t always good. why do I value other opinions so much? because you don´t value or think that you have good opinions yourself. Your self esteem is low and you dismiss the products of your mind wow, have I always been this way? all of the time when you have lacked self respect But I have been afraid of being cocky or whatever because that was condemned well, cocky does not equal a person with high self esteem, a person with high self esteem knows his worth but frankly doesn´t care about other opinions on his worth how can I resolve this? you need to believe that you, too, can think for yourself and that you, too, have value so is this soemthing from my childhood when my parents always told me exactly what to do and my own ideas and thoughts were always dismissed as bad? yes, but don´t care so much about the cause, care more about the solution what is the solution? it is to know yourself, know your value and know that you can produce both great and bad thoughts and ideas. You have to value yourself more and your thoughts and ideas. You have to get more self respect and self esteem. 1 I am the worry about others and what they are going to think I am the creator of negative thoughts and disbelief and doubt through utilizing the power that other people´s opinions have on a human I create a sense of a thing not being good to do or not being worthy of your time I am what will make you shy away and not eb your authentic you and what is making you settle for less, especially when you know othe people are looking I am what will make you hesitate and miss chances and opportunities because you were in paralysis by analysis (pretty bad analysises you´ve got going on aswell) I make you succumb to what is deemed normal and to what you think will make other people think good and positive things about you. And these "good and positive things" are the things which you see in persons you like yourself I make you doubt yourself and make you self-sabotage because it feels wrong I am the one fogging your mind out of clarity and out of commitment, I am making you weak and indecisive I will make you stop and beg me to stop I will mkae you feel that you are looking out in on yourself and so that you feel that all eyes are on you, I will make you feel watcehd and observed. I will make you feel like you are the only one in the world and I will make you feel that everybody is watching you with disgust or with a condemned look I will make you care about other people´s opinions about you and what you are doing, and I am making the illusion that you are following the norms of society and the people around you while it actually is you following the norms that YOU THINK people and society are following

I just wanted "I want to just watch some youtube, open that home page to see some stuff so you can get a dopamine hit" ———— fuckkkkk noooooooo! I. AM. SICK. AND. TIRED. OF. BEING. THE. BIGGEST. LOSER. so I won´t, goodnight My 9 year old sister just told me "you have to get a girlfriend, you are soon a grown up" and even though it´s just a stupid statement it´s real, I have never had a girlfriend and I am 17 and I need to grow the fuck up. Let´s go I will fucking demolish every fucking bit of doubt or fucked up beliefs or whatever and negative emotions about stuff, let us go

will stop doing the habit thing here, got a hold of a very simple habit tracking app that is free so I will just do that. The simplest one out there but it is great when building habits that I can see it. Did the shamanic breathing this morning and boy was it weird, I was super tired and I don´t know if I fell asleep some time during the breathing, but if I did I just continued breathing when I woke up LMAO. what the fuck, it was super weird, I was weirded out that it was over so fast and I got no tingling no nothing so probably I fell asleep. How the fuck can I even do that? must have been super tired. My sleep has been messed up since the holidays when I was up to 4 am and sleeping to 1 pm some days, and it fucked my circadian rithm up af. even now. Got not much done today, mostly ice baths and dabbling around, played some guitar. Want to continue the ice baths during the weekends and try and make a habit that "I play 5 min of guitar at least everyday" so I build a habit and then I can get some joy out of it. I am NOT getting stuff done though. I need to start planning my weeks the sunday before, so I will start that again. I didn´t do that during the holidays because I was asleep or something, but fuck it I will do it now tomorrow and continue doing it ahead and trying to plan things goood. And having time free for me being able to do whatever, yt or some more serious work but just that I have some time where I can do whatever and feel some freedom (although discipline does equal freedom too). Ice baths are niiiiiiice, why am I stopping doing stuff that makes me feel good? I think I feel shameful because my parents always look at me a certain way when I am doing something and I think I am traumatized by those fucks opinions. Have to resolve that shit, but ice baths make me feel on fire, they are productivity enhancers I feel (if I use them more wisely). But now I haven´t had much structure so I´ll do some basic structure for the week every sunday with free time and the schedule I aint going to follow religiously, cause then I don´t use my emotions to do what I want to do when I want to do something good, and I need to meet people and that means going of course and not doing "productive" stuff all the time. Although sometimes when I am supposed to be "productive" I am just watching youtube yooo this shit´s hard to keep up with. I lack clarity on stuff I need to do — so be clear then. I need to do everything more clear, atleast the outlines of my life and allow some spontanity to allow for life purpose, socializing and stuff to get in there aswell. But I can´t just be lazy and just do what I have done in the past because that doesn´t work, I´ve already tried. Want to get help but shit it is hard toget someone who can help me and I am doubting I need help from someone outside of me, maybe I have just not met the people that are good enough, but I´d rather bet that I am not being here for me enough. My mind is a mess with all these stupid thoughts and beliefs. These beliefs from the fucking midieval times. All of it is just stupid and I see it, but I can´t feel it and it is fucking me up. What the fuck do I do? some kind of emotional change needs to happen, and how do I change my emotions? I change the emotions through changing my beliefs right? but I also heard that emotions can just change through other ways aswell and I am confused af but that is me trying to get away from doing the work, that is how I have to see it right now. put your headphones on and just fucking do it. Whatever needs to be done, do it, it doesn´t matter how at this stage because I just need to get some action going and some responses from my actions so I can now what the fuck I should do. So leeeeeeeeet´s go you fuck! I am getting ready, my mind is getting good, the ice baths and the focus I have is what will make my mind just hang in there until I figure out what to do with my emotions. Let´s go my dude, I need to do this, I must do this, I want to do this. there is no other way and frankly I wouldn´t rather have it any other way, I don´t want it served to me because that ain´t good enough, I need to do it MYSELF. Fuck this shit, gotta get animalistic to turn into the machine I need to be right now. FUCK, goodnight big boy you need to sleep now. I will sleep more today so I won´t be as tired but I am promising myself that tomorrow I will be in bed by like 8:30 pm and I will sleep like a baby cuz of the work

I have started to do the sedona method a bit the past weeks and basically just allowing myself to feel the emotions and accepting them inside and relaxing my body and all of that, is that correct? I am struggling with my emotions, they get very negative because of beliefs I have about success, happiness, relationships etc. coming from my parents (I see it so clearly, especially because I have not met a lot of other people so my parents had the opporunity to influence me a lot). And I have always had a difficult time getting rid of these emotions and beliefs. For an example I tried to get rid of the negative emotions felt because I was afraid of getting judged by other people and I tried this by reciting affirmations and it worked, but the feelings came back as soon as I stopped the affirmations. So if you still think the things you mentioned would work, could you help me to explain a bit more about the revealing/releasing process?

@catcat69123had a bit difficulty understanding, so challenging myself and feeling and confronting my emotions that come up during these challenges?

well, that was my first time doing that and I think it felt pretty good for the first time. Cried maybe three times. I felt myself disconneting from my body and going unconscious when things were rough. felt a bit awkward at times but I feel the power it can have if done with a open mind and more consciousness than I had today. Shadow work is kind of therapy, right? felt like it. Need to do a lot of it I feel to feel into myself and see and understand what is happening. And some times I was surprised by the wisdom I do have in some of the answers I got out. But going to try and be more consciouss next time and check again if I did it correctly but doesn´t need to be so perfect I think. it was a bit hard at times to feel into myself, because it felt empty and this is some resistance I feel and if I just let myself go and let it flow it went good. Tomorrow morning is shamanic breathing. then meditation. Then probably playing the guitar or something (need to do something now which brings me joy so I will try and play the guitar) and then do some more of this and then watch a video from leo maybe or I can go over the notes I already have. Yes, I will go over the notes i have and contemplate them, I need to get rid of my victim mindset and a couple of other stuff and feel into myself. And I need to do my 1 hour workout aswell as eating and going out for a walk. Maybe I will sneak into the sauna tomorrow too. Much to do, but all should point to some goal. I am aimless, but now I decide not to be. My aim is to get aim and purpose so that could mean that instead of watching youtube which I usually do I meditate or think or get inspired by music or something and think. Maybe. I am aimless though. I am scared and afraid. But I am also strong. I need to find and channel my strength once more goodnight

going to try to do some shadow work and work on trauma or whatever. I am inviting my feeling of hopelessness in life, my up and downs with my emotional leverage (the downs being the hopelessness) 3 it is the feeling of being dragged down to the bottom of the ocean it is when everything looks grey and dark and unappealing it is making me feel separated from people and I want to be with them but I have brakes on it is making my mind hesitant to do anything to the smallest joke to the smallest task it is the insecurity to fail again, to promise myself that I will make it this time and then still fail it is what makes me cry all the time because it makes me feel completely out of control of my destiny and happiness it is what makes me stop with my momentum and forget momentarily about my goals and dreams it makes me unconfident and a other person than me that is afraid and insecure about some unknown thing encompassing everything in life it seems it is what makes me succumb to my feelings and overeat or binge watch youtube or being unconscious in any other way like treating people badly it wants me to stop it is hard to feel because I am so in it right now it is making me stuck in thought patterns and habits which doesn´t serve me 2 hi, why are you disturbing me and my life? I am feeling afraid to try new things and to fail what is so bad with failing? I can not deal with the weird insecurities and paranoia about what other people will think about me after my failures what will people think do you think? I feel that people are laughing at me, that they look at me in disgust Why are you feeling this? because people are mean to me and they don´t see me for who I am, they only see my faults why do you want to create this feeling? I am creating a boundary between you and mean, idiotic people who are only out to hurt you Have people been mean at you? yes, and there is NOWHERE to hide from that. The words and meaning behind it pierce through my soul and crush my every hope why are you so afraid of people? because they are mean Why are they mean? because they are egoistic and only care for themselves and try to push me down to get up in social status or getting up in something else are you sure they are out to hurt you? I don´t think so but no matter what it still hurts goddamn what would make you stop get hurt from other people? I can´t, I take in the meaning behind the words and then I feel like this but people aren´t saying anything to your face though, so why are you caring about their opinions? I feel scared of when a group thinks I am bad in some way, I am scared to be looked at in a bad way how can I get rid of you? you seem a bit stuck you would have to get to know people more, you have to realize the games in the social life. But then you are also gaming yourself but I am gaming myself either way right? so it is just up to choise really yes, you have got that right. But the choice to go to the other side is the hardest thing to do why are you making me stop with the things I am doing and the momentum I have gathered all the time? because I can not let you go far enough to allow yourself to fail How could failing not be so dramatic for you? failing is what you make of it. failing in a good way and failing in a bad way look identical on the outside. you have to be inside of you more and see the inside of you and realize it is the inside that matters in failing what would that inside be telling myself when I failed? it would not make me feel so stupid and bad and miserable you won´t give me the answer or what? HOW do I react to failure to not make you miserable? you must love yourself unconditionally, failure or no failure, it doesn´t matter. The love has to be there no matter circumstance why do I need to love myself unconditionally? I do not like the idea, it feels uncomfortable and bad for me because the only one who can give you love is you, no matter how much somebody outside of you loves you you atleast need to accept it. But the infinite source of love and empowerement comes from you, inside of you and makes you not feel me how can i love myself more? i don´t know, how would you love someone else? I would atleast be very accepting of what happens to the person and be a pillar and a support in whatever situation no matter what? yes, no matter what but would you love the person even though they did something stupid or dumb or disgusting or bad? yes, but that would of course take discipline but yes I would why? because I love them. what if I fail again miserably (in life as a whole)? well, according to experience you haven´t announced yourself as a failure yet right? so don´t look at it so extreme first of all. second of all, no matter the magnitude of "failure" you can still love yourself and not dismiss and disown yourself, nor failure nor success defines you what defines me? what you want to define you what defines me now? a try hard which gives up too easy and someone who doesn´t have strong enough goals and purposes. a quitter well, that is negative. so I can define myself as a winner and a happy person right now? yes, it takes effort but yes is it only love though? there has to be something else with you that makes you still persist, what is it other than a lack of self love that makes you stay? you are too disconnected from people. you have never talked to people about serious stuff, not many times atleast. And therefore you feel alone and vulnerable because you are surrounded by people whom you feel that you cannot relate to. You must live man! and have the full human experience! but how can I possibly make myself vulnerable to people again? I don´t dare to you´ll get used to it but for starters just get out with people. Now leave me alone, I won´t tell you more now. 1 I want people to love me. I am scared, I am lonely. I do not want to do stuff because I do not want to get humiliated. I am AFRAID! when I want support all I get is laughter and misunderstanding and piunshes in the face. I want people to care about me, I don´t feel welcome to people. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of the feeling of trying. I am sick and tired of all the pain worrying and humiliation coming from trying. I don´t want to try, I want to be comfortable and stay in the background. I don´t want to show my value to others because then they might dissapprove of me. I want to get back to the secure feeling of when I was a child. I want to go back home, back home to that innocent feeling of security and love. I am scared. I am scared of people´s opinions. I feel afraid that I will miss out on things when I commit, that I will miss these childhood feelings. That I will miss my parents living years, and miss life by going after things. I want to try things but at the same time I don´t dare to. I am scared not of abandonment, I am scared of being with people who hates me.

*wake up right away by 05:55 am + *Drink one liter + *sentence completions + *Brushing teeth + *skin lotion morning and night + *deoderant and perfume + *Drinking 1-2 liters in school - *I did either: Meditation or reading on the bus + (on the way home I just talked with a classmate the whole way but since my goal is to socialize more this is only good for me) *I did my evening routine of breathwork (5-13 min) and then meditation (30 min) - (was up to 1 am because of some unknown reason to watch youtube) *I did my workout + (half of it) *I listened to atleast 2 hours of affirmations - (no) *I put on my blue light blocking glasses 2 hours before bedtime - *I went to bed at 9 pm or earlier - 1 am so a pretty sucky day yesterady. Feeling quite demotivated to do anything but I am going to try more

*wake up right away by 05:55 am + *Drink one liter + *sentence completions + *Brushing teeth + *skin lotion morning and night + *deoderant and perfume + *Drinking 1-2 liters in school - *I did either: Meditation or reading on the bus + *I did my evening routine of breathwork (5-13 min) and then meditation (30 min) + *I did my workout + *I listened to atleast 2 hours of affirmations + *I put on my blue light blocking glasses 2 hours before bedtime - *I went to bed at 9 pm or earlier + Getting better and better. Haven´t drunk water in school since my water bottle is kind of disgusting so I have to get another one. Feel a bit dehydrated so would probbly help a ton to drink more water. The glasses has been quite hard because of the long workouts but I have had time for like an hour or so to have them on. Well other than that things are going good.

Yooooo! so I can probably not do this shit, how can I be social and stuff if I can not even sit on a bus without being terifired of my ass? My social anxiety has never been so high, but fuck this I am going to take 100 % responsibility, but I will not do it directly I need to do it indirectly I think aswell as makin myself more accustomed to being social. Both at the same time. I need to work on myself and like myself, that is the bottleneck, not that I am scared of people etc. it is that I do not like or respect myself. How do I start this? I do that through doing the work and being disciplined for starters. But then I need something to change my beliefs and perspectives and conditioning from my childhood and up until now. But these last things (which I deem to be very important) I know that I have to do that but I just don´t know how. HOOOOOOW? I need answers. Like is it meditation? is it shadow work? is it affirmations? is it therapy? (but I am a broke fuck so I can´t do that). Is it visualization? is it some combination? I have no fucking clue, the only thing I know is I do have a very good intellectual understanding of this which btw I am kind of embarassed about because I am not embodying because I have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!! IS IT CONTEMPLATION? what the fuck, what the fuck is it? I need to fucking find something. I am sick of my mind being so incapable of change, and I don´t want to change my mind through trying to change my outside world, fuck that. To a extent I will but I need to change my mind from the inside out through some sort of practice or something. Is it self-inquiry? isn´t that some spiritual practice only? I have no fucking idea and I feel myself spiraling a bit. But I need to research I guess and ask around to get the answers to then be able to do the work. I am sick of wondering what to do, I will just find the answers now by either asking on this forum, asking someone in irl or just searching the whole ocean of internet or something. I need this though, this is what I need, if I can just know what I need to do I will do it!!! I have no problems doing the disciplined work 99 % of the times it is just that I don´t know what to do.

*wake up right away by 05:55 am + *Drink one liter + *sentence completions + *Brushing teeth + *skin lotion morning and night + *deoderant and perfume + *Drinking 1-2 liters in school - *I did either: Meditation or reading on the bus + (did listen to music for like 15 minutes on the way home though but did like 30 min meditation) *I did my evening routine of breathwork (5-13 min) and then meditation (30 min) + *I did my workout - (it was not a "must do" workout" and my momentum had gone shit so I just went to bed *I listened to atleast 2 hours of affirmations - (did around 1.5 hours though *I put on my blue light blocking glasses 2 hours before bedtime - *I went to bed at 9 pm or earlier + Had a rough day yesterday, had a big break in school for 5 hours and only worked for 1 hour, watched youtube for 3.5 hours and ate for 0.5 hours. So just a shitty day and a shitty mindset when the break came along and I just did what felt easy and I didn´t have the strength to stop. Well well, I am not mad or anything on myself, just a start up day so to speak so today (when I am writing this) I will just make sure to use all of my time so I can achieve inner gains so to speak. Mostly it is just routines this so I am not surprised.

10 jan 2022 *wake up right away by 05:55 am + *Drink one liter + *sentence completions + *Brushing teeth + *skin lotion morning and night + *deoderant and perfume + *Drinking 1-2 liters in school - *I did either: Meditation or reading on the bus + *I did my evening routine of breathwork (5-13 min) and then meditation (30 min) + *I did my workout + *I listened to atleast 2 hours of affirmations - *I put on my blue light blocking glasses 2 hours before bedtime - *I went to bed at 9 pm or earlier - so I wont do the green * because it fucking resets everytime. So not the best today, forgot my headphones at home and had some other difficulties, BUT felt good to get into a decent routine and I am DISCIPLINED in school so I can just fuck of from school and not care about it. Starting to try and socialize every moment I get the chance. The glasses I couldn´t because I worked out later, so couldn´t do it really.

Whenever I do this I get cravings after for food and stuff to make me feel more "normal" again. Is this a ego reaction to the breathing?

So I am going to be a pain in the ass for myself and force myself to track my habits (every fucking one of these on the list) for up to 2 weeks depending on how easy it is. So I´ll just predo a list which I will just write * if I did it and * if I didn´t. But there is not going to be any fucking around, I am just going to do it, so anyways here is the list I will be using: *wake up right away by 05:55 am *Drink one liter *sentence completions *Brushing teeth *skin lotion morning and night *deoderant and perfume *Drinking 1-2 liters in school *I did either: Meditation or reading on the bus *I did my evening routine of breathwork (5-13 min) and then meditation (30 min) *I did my workout *I listened to atleast 2 hours of affirmations *I put on my blue light blocking glasses 2 hours before bedtime *I went to bed at 9 pm or earlier So that is it for the first 1-2 weeks. Of course going to try and do other stuff in the background but this is my main focus. I will journal this out either right before bed or the next day sometime. Main thing is that I am doing it edit:I think I will do the breathwork whenever I have time and that id probably in the morning or just before my workout. Will just check so I did it no worries when really

I have been a bit hesitant mentally to this change in my life. But I don´t care. The reason to why I have been hesitant is because I have doubted that I am doing this in the "correct" way. And I now realize that 1: it doesn´t really matter if I do it wrong or not, the most important is that I start now on monday. 2: I probably have found the correct ways btw. But I am a bit hesitant because (and I caught myself having these thoughts now) I have seen a lot on spiral dynamics on this forum and people talking about it and the blue and orange (I think) apparently isn´t so good, I haven´t looked into these myself. But also I need to go through the spiral dynamics for it to work because my thinking has been "I need to do the habits and techniques and thought patterns as the higher stages". And it has been this "right" and "wrong" conversation in my head. But now I feel that I need to start and then during the year I am going to try and learn as much as possible and I will just take it from there. But I do need the foundation no matter what, so therefore I am going to just build really good habits, and besides this I will learn psychology and I will be able to improve gradually over time. For this I have taken notes on "atomic habits" and I really think that is the only book on habits that you need to know — everything is in there. And that coupled with mainly affirmations (have books and notes on this too) I will have a good foundation of changing myself. the thing I need to keep in mind though is that it is the internal growth I am after first and foremost. I need some more tools to (and information and resources about this in turn like books and videos) about how to change my beliefs, how to further change my self image (think it can be even easier to accomplish maybe — who knows?) and my conditioning which is tightly tied to my beliefs. So I am taking this more "old school" approach to build the foundations of my life so that I can build from that. Even though these habits are not tied to a life purpose that doesn´t mean that I can´t do them in the meantime (if it is the case that my life purpose later on is not aligned with my habits as I discover it then I will just change the habits). Because otherwise I am just kidding myself if I " oh I need a life purpose and everything cleared out and that everything makes perfect sense in my head bla bla excuses bla bla excuses" — really many excuses atm but I am noticing them and calling myself out. So this year: 1: build habits (will take a week or two because I had these and have these kind of down already but just fucked up a bit on the holiday but that´s fine) 2: Learn about internal change 3: take action on internal change 4: socializing and 2,3 and 4 I am going to have to take action on as I go during the year incrementally because I won´t devote "one month to learning and etc." because I have some time everyday which is perfect for reading, some perfect for concrete inner work and then I will just have to get the thumb from my ass and start to talk at school 1:st thing and then trying to get to socialize. Just noticed another excuse or dumb belief or dumb assumption: that I need to go to parties to hang out with people. Which is what I have had in mind but that is probably not the first step, heck I don´t even know if they host any parties in this little shit place. But I can just hang out with people like one or 2 or 3 at a time and just do the normal socializing with friends stuff, which is probably a bit boring but on the SUMMER it will be fucking lit, that is when the parties are starting and people are coming here and then I have to be ready for it. So just training now for it. And the purpose of socializing is mainly for me to feel better (I can´t just be around my toxic parents all the time) but also for me to be able to be confident and all the other attributes which comes through conscious choice of socialization and constant pushing outside my comfort zone. I really feel this journal is doing something for me, but it is just one bad thing about it and that is that I miss some stuff which I have written in the past and it is a pain in the ass going through it as it is now because of the sheer amount of text. But this is clearing up my mind and making things clearer (thankful)

Okay, so just caught myself scrolling around on the forum. I haev done this quite a lot now and not all in vain, but now I feel that I am just wasting time. So fuck this shit behaviour — I will only go to other threads than my own if I feel that I need something. Otherwise I ain´t in it. I am sick of wasting time on a fucking Self development forum, it is not supposed to be a harbor for scrolling around when you feel bad and so I won´t

I think that the feelings I feel in the shamanic breathing is entirely possible to feel throughout the day, all day. How do I achieve it though? I thought that this is just about smashing my beliefs through affirmations, proving my positive self-image and through some kind of contemplation practice and meditation (contemplation I think works but I don´t do it, and meditation I do but it hasn´t worked in this way yet.) And through some self-esteem too of course

Note to self to how I can do the HFT workouts a lot better and with much more tension and concentration (derived from today´s session where I realized these things): * even though I have a feeling that I can´t hold tension (remember also that everything you feel ain´t true) I HAVE to visualize the grape. I have not visualized the grape before, but when I do (easier with a mirror aswell) then I can hold a lot more consistent and intense tension in my feet. *To breathe calmly, or atleast doing a so called "yoga breathing" type of breathing of heavy, but controlled and conscious breathing. This yoga breathing makes it a lot easier to focus and the tension automatically goes up no matter how focused you may have been before getting control of the breathing. *when I can visualize the grape, I need to put a LOT more tension in. Because sometimes I visualize it and I feel it but then I am not putting 100 % tension so then I do not do it as good as possible.

So today I did 40 min shamanic breathing in the morning and then 30 more minutes in the evening. No transcendental state or clear cut insight. But I did derive on insight that is not that clear in my head but I just realized it now. When I did the breathing I felt how I could do and feel to make my life a better life and living it to the fullest, and now I realized that it is not fundamentally the things that I am doing that are going to make me feel a certain way, it is rather that I decide how to feel (like my life is the best in every moment basically) and then take inspired action on what I feel I want. Because the thing is that when I do these breathing sessions (I must do these every weekend atleast once and twice or thrice if I feel it) I feel a lot of hope and I feel the emotional leverage I need to be able to do something in my life. But then when the breathing is done and a couple of hours later I am back to normal. But I can CHOOSE to feel that way about what I do, and make that feeling as a leader of my life to point me to where I should do stuff. And this is CHOOSING to feel inspired, CHOOSING to feel happy, CHOOSING to do what I want — and I have this freedom all the time through using my mind consciously in this direction and then I am going to do things which are the right ones for me. The right actions usually come from the "right" emotions I feel, and that I can create. And one other thing, I have self image problems but I decide now to just follow this simple process to make it simple for me to change how I view myself: 1: decide who I want to be. 2: prove it to myself through doing/being that way enough times. I feel like the meditation, the breathing and all of this is crucial for me to be able to have the insight into HOW I can feel, and so making it so much clearer where I want to go. I am going to prove myself another self image through repeating affirmations, and when a situation arises making myself conscious of what I am going to do as the "new me" so to speak. So I will have these situations engrained in my head as cues so I can then have the self talk reqiured to change. You know what? I just thought to myself "I need to find other ways of doing this, other ways of changing my self-image" And do you know what? FUCK that, I am sick of having to know everything all the fucking time, don´t get me wrong I will learn more about this shit but just starting is where I am starting (duh) so that is what I am going to do. Feeling really weird by the breathing and the meditation, feeling like reality is changing and I guess it is the ego talking when I feel a bit naseous about it — basically it is changing and that is a bit hard. This is because I did a lot of meditation yesterday and today aswell as the breathing.

so it is soon 1 am, been trying to sleep for 1 hour now. I have these pictures in my mind of catastrophical and bad situations, of much disturbance and fear. I started to visualize myself fighting with people, I saw myself falling of a cliff. All of these and then I get conscious of my train of thought and just go "bro wtf" and get adrenaline rush (maybe not so weird when I have these disturbing pictures and hard pictures in my mind). Wonder what they are. Like why do I have them? is it my anxiety which had built up? It has built up ever since I stopped having a sense of purpose really and everything going worse and worse in my life, I still had them before but not as bad. The thing is that I meditate every night before I go to bed, but still I get these from time to time. Not a huge problem for me since it is not that regular but definetely sign of something being of mentally with me. And the more motivation for me to do something about it. Going to do like 40 min shamanic breathing tomorrow, want to achieve some kind of emotional leverage and I have never had a real "realization" of some sort. Usually I just do 30 min but will try 40 min and will start to make it a habit atleast once every week. Don´t know what to expect. In the past I have mainly just gotten this feeling of "it is okay, everything is going to be alright". Well my hoping is that I get some transcendental state which will smash some of my dumb perspectives on life, but that is most likely not going to happen and then it is okay because I always feel really good doing the breathing after even though it is quite tough. I go unconscious sometimes during the shamanic breathing and sometimes I just start to hold my breath because I think that I am doing wim hof method, kind of nuts because it is like I am falling asleep multiple times during the process and then in the end it usually just feels good with weird bodily sensations and some feeling of hope. Always that god damn hope, that is saying something. And I want to get some kind of experience through the breathing because I can´t get a hold of psychedelics (which probably is good though). These are just my thoughts right now in a very limited mindset though and I know there is other things out there that I just can´t seem to get to emotionally. And this breathing is something I never really want to do beforehand, but after I am always like "why tf would I not want this?" probably some ego shit doing that to hold me from the truth or whatever. What the fuck do I know, I barely even know the concept of ego.

I am a victim in my health and physical wellbeing. Justifications: * because my parents do not cook me the best food, and I can not eat the best food all the time because my parnents and my school has shit food *because I can not sleep good at all because my parents and everybody in my house are so loud and they are making me anxious by making sounds so I can´t sleep, and they turn the lights on and change the dishwasher when I am about to sleep *I have bad genetics and my body is weak *I didn´t move so much as a child and therefore I lack the foundations of athletisism *I am very stressed and anxious and this is fucking up my recovery *I recover very badly *my joints and tendons are very weak. they just get injured or pain in them very easily * I think I might have some disease where my tendons and ligaments are just very weak *There are not anyone who knew how to help me when I was younger and now everything is much worse *I fucked up my body with too much training in general and strength training and rehab in particular *I do not get enough nutrients and therefore I can not recover good *because I can not do this on my own *because of all the bad advice I got from the internet Well, those are my justifications. This problem seems as an external problem as it seems like my parents are not providing me enough, and that I did not have the optimal outset from the beginning. It seems as this is a problem of the physiotherapists fucking up my body and the advice I got from the internet. It seems as this is a problem of the past, of me training too much, of me not taking care of my emotional problems. Of people not helping me enough when I was a child, or that I can not sleep very good now, or that I do not eat the best diet right now. Or that I might have some disease which makes my tendons and joints very tender and weak. While all of this seems very logical to me right now, there is a other explanation, a much more empowering one which allows me to resolve this issue of mine. This is actually an internal problem projected outward into my reality and staying a internal problem because I have been shortsighted enough to think that it exists in the external world. It is an internal problem of me not facing my emotions, that I do not take action on understanding my emotions and why I am so irritated and mad at my parents for example, that I failed to recognize which information is correct and which is not through not being conscious and deliberate and intent and focused enough in my search for answers, that I do not take care of my nutrition the best that I can and I do not do any action on it for myself but I am only expecting my parents to make it happen — leading to conflicts at home leading to even more anxiety, that I have a worrying mind thinking about the absolute worst situation all the time (me having a disease fucking me up), that I have not build my mind to the point that I do not care about these trivial challenges more than that I just find the solution and go on with my life, that I am not conscious enough in my training because it hurts too much for me to take it consciously and this makes me not do the training as good as I can possibly do and this is a weakness of mind. So I have a lot of areas of internal problems which makes the external problems appear, and it will not resolve with me trying to solve these problems focusing on the surface level external problems, which are just a product of my internal problems. "How do I create the obstacle?" — through not working enough on my mind and understanding this enough. Through not taking responsibility and just wilting in the accusations and blame I put on others. It is because I won´t go to work for real that the problem remains. I feel entitled to getting the solution handed to me without me doing hard work. I do not want to do the hard work and I hate to do something which doesn´t directly result in a result and I hate going to dead ends. "what am I avoiding through creating this obstacle?" — I am avoiding the hard work and the pain which is needed to resolve it. I am avoiding confronting my emotions and my own "lack" as a human being and just blaming. I am avoiding the hard work and pain of developing myself. I do not want to experience pain, I just want to feel good. I am sick of pain and therefore I do not want it. I am avoiding taking action, on improving and persisting through this. I am avoiding mistakes and the emotional toll that would bring. I am avoiding my life because I dare not look at it. "what must I believe to be a victim?" — That I do not have any control or say in this problem. That I am the victim of my parents and my environment, and that no matter what I do I don´t have any say in how my life turns out. I must believe that the most paramount in this is the things which I can not control, my parents, my genes, my past, my environment. But I can control these, not through direct control of them but indirectly I can through building and developing my mind and calming the fuck down in many ways. And through taking action. What can I do differently? — well, go in to this with the mindset "I have to fix this". And being quite harsh with myself with that, not allowing any fairy tale of someone helping me out draging me away from doing what I have to do. I know what I need to do, it is just that it is hard to start because I do not want it, but still I want it. So it is really your decision — do you want to be physically healthy or not? do you want to be one of those poor old fucks not being able to move for the last 10 years of their lives? I can decide to not take responsibility for this. And I am telling you, I really feel that I do not want to even after going through all of this. I DO NOT WANT TO. And I do not want to not because I do not want the result, it is because I do not want the process. Can I even change so that I want to have the process of it? Seems kind of sadistic if anyone would like what I am having to do to get out of this. Maybe I do not even need to want the process for the process to work? But then I am doing hell of a lot of stuff that I do not want. But maybe the self respect and the self esteem I get from that outweighs the lack of liking of the process. And maybe the results is outweighing the lack of liking for the process? Or maybe I recognize that I want the result for no. 1 and I want to like the process no. 2. So why the fuck can´t I atleast pretend and use my mind to make it seem like I am liking it? Especially the actual training I do now is NOT something I want to do, it is fucking the hardest thing I have ever done, it requires me to give it my all every second for looong periods of time. Worse than anything I have ever done training-wise. But I remember having some trouble with this before, what I did to fuck this steak around then was that I swallowed my entitlement and allowed myself to change my mind to liking the thing that was really hard. Because being 100 % honest, it is not like I do not like it it´s just that it is so damn hard that it is hard, but I don´t dislike it actually. And so I can focus on the liking and not on the pain which is definetely there. With everything else though, how tf do I actually make a change to how I have done in the past? Well I must realize that I am the only one going to change what I need to change to make myself strong and healthy. I must be very conscious that this is the truth, and make this into a part of my self-image kind of. I do not blame others nor do I expect anyone to take responsibility for the changes I want. I think I am still mom and dad´s little boy and I think that they will just fix everything for me, which they won´t btw. Because they can´t. This is a maturation process to realize this and start to take accountability for your own life as everyone else does for their own. Not that I should not ask for help or anything —that´s good. But just so I don´t get stuck and don´t do anything because things feel like they will sort themselves out for themselves. It it hard though because I have always been so dependent on my parents because they wanted that, but now I need to take responsibility on my own while still living at home which is kind of trippy. What I can do is to change and improve my mentality so that I can actually do something about these things more concretely. But it needs to come from the inside out. That I understand my emotions for 1:st and get some emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. And that I do some conscious shifts of how I feel about my training. But I need to get rid of my stress and anxiety I think. Those are probably fucking up my recovery actually like not other. So actually I am going to look at some of Leo´s videos of stress because I saw he had some and maybe start to incorporate some technique or whatever to lower my anxiety and stress. {this is not done, this is a work in process so don´t stop here, continue with this in mind until I am empowered enough to solve everything}

Hey, so where I grew up the girls and the boys were completely separated (decided by ourselves), and because I didn´t really think that I could be with girls (my parents made me feel very weird about being with girls and I accepted it, I was a child) and so I wasn´t. So here comes the fucked up part (maybe not as much as I think but whatever)— I can´t really have a good conversation with a girl (nor nonsexual or sexual) without it feeling really weird, it just feels wrong. I feel so separated from girls in a way. Maybe I just need to socialize more with girls but I feel this very weird feeling of non-presence with girls. And this is not insecurity, I think. I just feel really odd with women, I can´t be present and enjoy their company as I can with a guy. I think this is definetely because the lack of socializing with girls in my childhood. Maybe this is just that I need to be more with women but I would really appreciate your opinions on it.

Just watched and took notes on Leo´s video on victim mindset. So what I take from it is that no matter who the blame is (it doesn´t matter really, it can be on anybody but don´t put unneccesary blame on yourself) it is my responsibility to do something about it. Because it is me who is affected no matter who did it. This is really talking about the situations you had when you were a little kid when "someone did something to me!", and they feel that the world/that person owes them something. They don´t, and in this way the world can be perceived as quite harsh, but it goes all way and that is how life is and it is not very harsh if you take 100 % responsibility for your own life. The thing is that I have to OWN my life, because it is mine and noone cares enough to do the work for me (would have been a fucked up reality if that was how things worked tbh). And I want to have a good life, so I have that covered. How do I make that good life? Well, I create it. So if I really want to have a good life then I will take the neccesary action needed to make it happen, and that is always more than I think. So what I got from it was that I should stop the blaming,excuses and all of this and just bite the bullet and realize that no matter how much people may love me I am the one responsible for my life quality. And it is not like I HAVE to do this, I GET to do this, if I want. Because it is me who wanted this from the beginning, no? I am very insecure about doing this life change, but through the video "how to deal with strong negative emotions" I feel empowered enough to face this emotion along with all the other ones. I feel scared that I will not succeed, and for what feelings that might bring me. I am scared of letting myself go completely and committing to this process. It really feels like taking a jump out of a plane. I don´t know why I fear to commit though. I don´t want to commit. I am thinking about my past failures and I don´t want to keep on stacking up failures after failures. And I feel lonely and scared to take the step from what I feel is secure and comfortable. I want to watch youtube in some bizarre sense, I want to just dabble and fuck around and not do anything. I want to stay shy and insecure. I do not want to get out of my comfort zone even though I know that I will benefit from it a lot. The pain of these things have to outweigh the positive of those things, and the things outside of my comfort zone has to appear more appealing. But maybe they don´t have to be. Or maybe they do, but no matter what I have to take some action. Right now my thought is that for me to follow this path in the long run I have to want it and that entails that I have to change how I think and feel about things, which is my main focus now — to learn about emotions, thoughts, self image and everything to let go of what is holding me back. Some things I yet do not know how to resolve, but I have found the area of most paramount importance to focus on. And so I will this year. And change the feelings I have. I feel scared to write out goals again and try and accomplish them, because I always seem to make them dissapear of my memory and then to be struck with a hard feeling of hopelessness and dissapointment. I think the thing is I need to develop courage enough to keep myself conscious, because I think I unconsciously switch of when I feel that I don´t want to continue. But if I am conscious of the fact that I switch of my awareness when it gets tough, hopeless and unclear and what not, then I can face my emotions and through that route continue after I have faced them. This is a thing of courage to keep looking even when I don´t want to. This is what Leo talked about in "one simple rule for acing life" — the rule is to take the emotionally difficult choice everytime. And if I start to implement it from the beginning maybe I can take better decisions further down the year. I feel scared to start to socialize and hanging out with people with no other intent than to just hang out. I am scared of them thinking I am not good enough or "finding out" that I am not good enough. I am scared to not be good enough. Why? Because I don´t feel good enough as I am. I always feel the need to do or bring something other than me to bring value, like some accomplishment or whatever. And while yes, I do need to bring value to social situations for them to work out, but it is not constructive to be scared to not bring value. I am scared of humiliation and that people will put me down. I feel insecure. why? because I don´t feel that I am enough to other people and I feel that other people are always better than me, why?, because I do not respect myself and I also value other people a lot, why? because I am not conscious of my decisions and I choose to do things which is not aligned with what I feel that I should and want to do and I ignore this, why? because being conscious of my decisions requires me to do what is hard and uncomfortable and I have to look myself in my eyes and that is really uncomfortable because it is very hard for me to align myself with what I want to do, and even if I do I don´t do it because it is hard for me to do something which doesn´t feel comfortable. Why is it so hard to be conscious of what you do? Because right now I have a lot of things I know that I do that I don´t want to look into because they are not aligned with myself, and looking into this and fixing this requires a lot of effort and I just put it of to the future and I know I just fuck it up again. Why don´t you want to put in a lot of effort to fix these things? Because my experience tells me that it is for nothing, that it will not benefit me because I just fuck it all up again and go unconscious and stop doing what is right. Why have you gone unconscious in the past? because I have felt good and felt that it is enough and that I "need to rest" or something, and I do and I don´t stop. I get satisfiyed and I feel good about myself and for some reason I stop. Why do you stop then? Because when I feel good like that I have accomplished the goal inside my head that I had, which was to feel that way and then I just let myself go and let the momentum stop. But you usually have big goals but you just want the emotions? Well, I usually do have big goals which I haven´t achieved by the time I stop, but I just feel so good and then I backslide and just get complacent. I don´t feel that I have to do anything more, I feel that I have reached the limit.Well have you reached the limit? I don´t know, but I always think I have. How can I see for myself if there is a higher limit? through learning about emotions and how they work and maybe realize that there are higher limits, but I honestly don´t know if there are higher limits of happiness. How can you no matter if you have reached the limit or not still continue the growth and momentum in a developing direction? First thing is having a life purpose, a purpose which I actually feel very intrigued and inspired and driven by. Second thing is setting goals of random things I want to do and accomplish that has not much to do with my life purpose but just with what I want, something I want to learn, something in my psyche I want to have better etc. Okay so I feel that I have discovered some areas of opportunity to seize advantage over. But what can I do to make myself start the process now of developing myself? first thing first is just to develop a routine, strict wake up and bed time and habits throughout the day. Then facing my emotions head on and feeling into them completely whenever I feel them throughout the day and sitting down whenever I feel them and do the process of really accepting and allowing myself to feel them. Then I feel that I have to do something similar to what I do now where I tackle a problem and then just follow that problem down to the core, foundational problem through journaling, so I can have more clarity. Then contemplating a lot of mindset changes and trying to make them my own, and finding out how they can be true and then proving it. I think this is a good start, then later on I will start to socialize for real, right now I will just set the intention and trying to figure out how tf people hang out. And the meditation and all the other things will just push me forward and provide me with the momentum to achieve things later on. But this is not a year of external achievement at all, it is mainly just learning about myself.