Rainy Sparkle

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Posts posted by Rainy Sparkle

  1. Posted

    It’s been a weird day. Not unusual, but weird. My mind and emotions have been very reactive and unstable.

    I slept ok. It didn’t feel like enough, but it wasn’t the worst. I saw some kind of vivid dream, but don’t remember it anymore. Hit the snooze button couple of times. I didn’t feel like waking up at all. I felt dull and exhausted physically and mentally.

    When I finally got up, I headed out to practice my toxic addiction: smoking a cigarette. While smoking, I called to the ward, where I go for a lunch on weekdays. There had been norovirus last week (thank god I had a flu and didn’t go there), so I wanted to make sure it was already safe to go. The nurse who answered my call was having this joyful tone to her voice. I caught the emotion and so my morning experienced a turn to a totally new direction.

    I was in a little hurry, so I was able to meditate only 7 minutes before I had to leave to the bus stop. Damn, this day really has some flow to it, I thought in my mind.

    I was sitting in a dining table, trying to mind my own business with my lunch. It wasn’t too hard actually. Food tasted okay and I was hungry. It was until someone almost choked. That honestly threw me off. I don’t know why it had such strong effect on me, but I was tensed, anxious and in tears. Couldn’t finish my lunch.

    It washed away with a little time. I got home and watched some YouTube videos while chatting with a friend. Ate a little. Yes, it’s totally normal to eat only bolognese sauce, because taking also the pasta pot out of fridge and scoop some pasta to my plate was just too much effort, okay? I keep telling myself such things now and then. Whatever, so I eat at least something. Really want to figure out how much of my issues are actually because of my poor eating habits. Dealing with the weight increasing during the process needs mental work.

    Did the longer meditation with music. Started to watch Leo’s SD purple video. Didn’t go trough the whole video. Noticed that I seem to have a lot of purple values? All that magical stuff. I don’t know a lot about the system yet, so I think it’s better not to draw any conclusions yet. But interesting note regardless.

    My partner sent me a message that he’ll stay late at work. Felt disappointed.

    Currently I’m feeling relaxed and somehow still a bit stressed at the same time. What the weird combinations of emotions do I have, indeed? I hope I won’t stay up too late tonight. Sleep is good.

  6. Posted

    I have really contradicted feelings when I am thinking about regrets. Essentially, somewhere really deep some of my past actions really haunt me. I don't seem to be able to face them, accept them as a part of who I am, and what kind of person I wish to be.

    Some of them are minor things that I'm still ashamed of after many years. Like acting in a stupid way, saying something stupid or different arguments with different people.

    Some of them are related to not appreciating my own well-being or needs enough, not setting certain boundaries. Not being able to say 'no' in situations where I should really have done that. Wasting my whole life to a fight against mental health issues, because I haven't been strong enough. Not pursuing my dreams and my passions, because someone else said they're not realistic. Stuff like that.

    And some of them are things that are really hard to deal with. Things that make me feel that I'm a bad person. Surrendering to certain actions that have been hurtful to other people. I've broken their trust with such actions. I've been dishonest. I have lied and told half truths, because I've been too afraid to do otherwise. I can't really look myself eye to eye and admit these things to myself. I know I have done all those things, but thinking about them really hurts me. They break the image of an ideal person I want to be and those things are undoable. I can never be the innocent anymore. I'll carry these things within me. I'd consider them to be my biggest regrets.

    But, there's always 'but'. Some part of me really wishes that I had never done these things. Some part of me sees value in them. They tell an important story about me and are valuable material to do introspection, when I'm able to really face them without ending up uncontrollably crying in an deep emotional suffering, curling up to a self-pity and being only capable to think how horrible person I am, how I could have done these things to these people.

    There are good things in my life. Even though I sometimes feel like it, I don't hate myself and my life completely. If I could, would I undo those regrets, and put things I appreciate in my present life in danger to vanish due to that? Probably not.

    Sorry if I went overboard with my response. 

  7. Posted

    - Meditated with music

    - Was constantly ”scanning” bodily sensations and lapsing to thinking

    - Sensation of temperature changed from cold to warm to cold etc

    - Body felt remarkably heavy at times

    - Felt that weird sinking sensation, like I was sinking but inwards

    - Physical-like feeling like someone/something was pulling out “soul” from body but it was stuck

    - Feeling of inspiration

    - Vision about women drumming and dancing around the campfire in dark reddish forest. They were looking at me and inviting me to join with their fingers. Then the forest was in fire and the women were backing away into the flames laughing, still inviting me to come

    - Vision about me kissing myself. The other me didn’t have colored hair like I do, and she felt younger

    Total time meditated this year: 6h11min

  9. Posted

    Current time meditated this year (total) : 5h30min

    -          I have noticed that the days when I meditate are easier/lighter than the days I don’t. Those days still don’t feel great, and they still feel challenging to manage through. Normal stuff still needs a lot of effort. They are just lightly more effortless and less challenging.

    -          I am thankful for my relationship. I’m also thankful that it creates a safe place for me to be and heal instead of being seedbed for my toxicity to grow more. Of course, I am still relying on this situation to hold up my wellbeing. I still can’t stand on my own, but I feel safe to learn.

    -          I have constant and distracting desire to be aware how much time has passed when I’m meditating. I realized that this desire is actually present with almost everything I do.

    -          I have this feeling of someone seeing me all the time. Silently observing and judging everything I do, think, and feel. It’s never taking part; it just is there. It makes me feel awkward about myself even when I’m alone. The feeling has been there as long as I can remember.

    -          Some time ago I was watching clouds at the sky at night. The clouds formed an image that looked like lips. The cloud lips seemed to get bigger and bigger and getting closer to me. It might sound weird, but I got this feeling that it wanted to say/message something to me. The feeling got me scared so I went back inside, but I’m still wondering what that situation was trying to tell me.

  10. Posted

    I feel like there should be some kind of clear direction where I’m going with this journal or with this post but there’s not. I don’t even know what’s the best way to make a starting point. There’s so much going on within my mind and I feel like I lack the ability to filter out what’s important to focus on. Oftentimes it feels like I’m randomly jumping to a different pages of catalogue. Back and forth. Oh hey, it’s the same page again for the fifteenth time. I’m losing track. If it even ever was there.

    I’m nervous and anxious. Am I going to do this right? Is there right way to do this? Is it useful at all if I just bathe in my thoughts mindlessly without clear intention of why I’m doing it? Maybe I’ll find it out later. I don’t think that should be stopping me from starting to write down my thoughts and journey.

    Writing a public journal wasn’t a big deal for me when I was younger. I used to have a blog where I wrote about my thoughts, feelings, and mental health problems. I wrote about those things using beautiful, figurative words and language. Even today, I don’t feel like it was because I wanted to romanticize shit. I did that in my personal diary, too. Well, of course that might be a defensive thought and I was in fact doing exactly that. However, for now, I feel like it was my tool to deal with those things. Gate and a pathway to put my inner world into words.

    But then, some people relatively close to me found out about my blog. I don’t remember how I found out that they actually were guys I knew. They anonymously commented mean things to my writings. I tried not to care about it, but I felt bad. Their intention was to hurt me, and they thought it was fun. I’ve later heard that it started from a stupid idea and that those guys were bitter for me. Whatever the cause, I ended up stopping writing publicly at some point. I’m scared of it. I’m afraid of all the possible judgements I might get. That I’m stupid, making stuff up, seeking for attention and whatever. I’ve been accused of lying because I’m too open about stuff. I’m afraid of that I’m still going towards closing myself in even more. That doesn’t feel right to me. So maybe that's one of the reasons I'm doing this. 

    Sometimes I feel like people are toxic spikes. Why it seems so that people are so mean to each other and get mad about whatever reason someone else does or is. There’s massive amount of hate going on towards everyone and everything. That makes me feel all kind of things. It makes me insecure, defensive, mad, angry at myself (because I’m having negative thoughts towards other people), sad. I wish I could heal all these people. I feel like everyone has so much pain and wounds inside. And I feel like so many don’t even admit it to themselves. Why am I seeing suffering everywhere? Is it really there, or is it only my own toxic perception about the world and people? Am I only reflecting my own suffering?

    I’m aware that my thought process goes a lot with how I “feel like”. I feel like I’m addicted to my feelings. There it is again. Lol. If I try to wear out my habit of looking everything via emotions, I feel like (Really now??) nothing makes sense to me anymore. I feel attacked when someone points that out. I’m defensive about my feelings, whatever they are. I admit that I’m identifying too much with my feelings, even when it’s not beneficial to me at all. But what else there is to identify myself with? Someone would probably say that you shouldn’t identify with anything. But why there is this intense craving and longing to be able to identify as being something or someone?

    I feel like a void. I feel like I’m an empty and infinite void. I feel like I am, but I don’t know who or what I am. There’s always been this lack of bright sense of identity. Even though I have this weird sense of self, and all these things I attach vaguely to it, it still feels similar to any other feeling at the end of the day. It feels like all there is in my reality is just an infinite loop of feelings and if those feelings are taken away, there’s nothing else left. Literally, not figuratively. Not even me, because that’s a feeling too.

  11. Posted

    Your Super Serious Title is: The Rainbow Goddess Empath

    Your Total Score: 59 out of 80
    Your Out of Control Healer Score: 4 out of 10
    Your Protection Tools Score: 20 out of 25
    How Much You Mirror Others Unconsciously Score: 12 out of 15
    Your Appreciation for Nature Score: 8 out of 10

    You scored pretty high on the overall results. It is highly likely that you are an empath.

    You can get by socially, although it sounds like your intuitive social skills could be better. You may want to look into getting energy work and healing done on your second chakra. Usually people that prefer to be around water have blocks in their second chakras. You love nature and unconsciously understand its healing effects -- which is a general, but strong indicator that you are an empath. Your appreciation for nature is lacking. You would benefit from meditating in the forest. But you seem fairly normal -- able to influence people at times.

    You need to learn how to recognize and differentiate other people's energy from yours. Learning psychic/empathic meditation tools will help. You scored fairly poor on the "Mirroring Others Unconsciously" portion of the quiz. It looks like you have a tendency to mirror other people and their energy. Your score indicates that you would benefit from learning to run energy, ground yourself, and protect your aura.

    You scored pretty low on the "Has Protection Tools" section of the quiz. This means that you need to learn how to protect your aura. You also might benefit from cord-removal and other energy work. And in terms of being a healer, you more or less are good at keeping other peoples troubles out of your life.

  12. Posted

    My score for primary psychopathy was 1.6, but surprisingly the secondary was 3.4 and that's higher than 83.97% of people who have taken the test. That makes me wonder. I'm curious which of my answers might have led to that score and why. I don't break rules to succeed but was it the question where I agreed taking care of myself as one of my priorities? Something else? I don't know. :D

    These scores themselves might not really give any insights, considering that it's just a random online test, but if the score is really calculated from answers, they could be good indicator to think and realize what kind of motivations there are behind actions. 

  13. Posted

     

    I have never experienced it like you described you did. However, I have experienced "shifts of reality" so to speak. Nothing really changes but still everything feels different, 'off' and strange. Sometimes I've had experiences where I feel like I'm being at the edge of two (or more) dimensions.

    I've also had short OBE, but I didn't "go" anywhere else but the observation of the situation was odd. There was three points of view at the same time; laying body, floating body and some invisible not bodily "third person" point of view. What I mean is that I felt like I was able to see the situation from all of those point of views at the same time.

    These reality shifts are somehow occasional for me and their intensity varies at times. The out of body experience was probably caused because I was having sleep paralysis (and not realizing it). I tried to move and shout as hard I could, but nothing happened. No movement, no sound. And suddenly I just detached from body. It didn't last long, it felt like a flash. I got so scared of it that I "fell back" to the body and was waken from the sleep paralysis. I'm not sure if that was dream or not, but at least it felt extremely real.

    I apologize, if this is far off the experiences you were seeking. Anyway, you said that you were trying to sleep when this happened to you. I'm not trying to say that your experience was dream, but I think there is a stage between being awake and being asleep and you might have been in that stage and therefore more responsive to such experience to occur?