Inception

Post #1 This is the begging of a new phase and thread. For now no replies please.

I’m trying to understand an experience I had that I interpreted as a possible awakening or mystical opening, but unlike the peaceful or blissful awakening experiences I often hear about, mine eventually became extremely frightening. I had been studying spirituality, nonduality, and consciousness for around five years, so I had a substantial theoretical background before this happened. I was already familiar with ideas like ego death, surrender, the illusion of separation, and the possibility that consciousness is fundamental. Then I went through a period where reality started feeling radically different. Perception became extremely vivid and unusual. Ordinary things could look strange or almost unreal, and I experienced an intense sense of love and unity. I also became deeply focused on another person, whom I experienced as the Beloved or as somehow representing Reality itself. At one point, it felt as though I was getting extraordinarily close to something fundamental. The usual sense of separation seemed to be dissolving. But then fear became overwhelming. I began to feel almost like prey being hunted, as though something was coming after me. It felt almost like I was approaching a point where the self itself would disappear. Instead of surrendering, I retreated. In the metaphor I've been using since then, it felt like a moth approaching a flame: the moth is drawn toward the flame, but eventually realizes that getting too close may mean its own destruction, so it flies away. Why do some awakening experiences seem profoundly peaceful while others become terrifying?

If you could go back to before you discovered spirituality, would you still open that door? Or would you choose to remain ignorant (a little longer) and simply live?

Post #85: Spoiler alert A spoiler alert like this should be presented with every video about advanced spirituality. ⚠️ Advanced spiritual teaching — contains major existential spoilers. This material goes beyond ordinary self-improvement and challenges assumptions about self, reality, identity, and the continuation of ordinary life. If you are primarily trying to build and enjoy an ordinary human life, consider whether you actually want to explore these questions before proceeding.

Post #84: To my younger self Don't rush to transcend the person before you've had the chance to become one. You're 21. Your job right now isn't to figure out whether the self ultimately exists. Your job is to live. Build your body. Build your confidence. Learn how to love and be loved. Have relationships. Travel. Have sex. Make friends. Build a career. Make money. Create a home. Take risks. Fail. Become competent. Find out what you're capable of. Experience the world while you're young enough to explore it freely. You don't need to extinguish your desires. Understand them and live them. Let yourself want things. Let yourself enjoy the physical world without feeling guilty for being interested in it. If spirituality interests you, approach it gently. Use it to become wiser, healthier, more compassionate, and more capable of living—not to immediately dismantle the person you're trying to build. Be especially careful with teachings about ego-death, surrender, awakening, and transcendence. Those are not merely more advanced forms of self-improvement. They can question the entire foundation on which ordinary human life is built. You don't have to pursue them simply because you're intellectually fascinated by them. And remember: curiosity is not consent. You can be fascinated by consciousness without wanting to dissolve yourself. You can read philosophy without making liberation your life's mission. You can wonder what Reality is without deciding that the character must disappear. Give yourself decades. Maybe one day, after you've lived deeply and experienced the things you wanted to experience, you'll still feel called toward transcendence. If so, you'll approach it from a completely different place—not as someone wondering what life could have been, but as someone who has actually lived it. The physical is not an obstacle to the spiritual. It is the foundation from which you can freely decide whether you want to go further. At 21, don't hurry toward the Flame. Live as the moth.

Post #83: Warning “Before you go further, understand that spirituality is not necessarily just a way to improve your life. Some forms of nondual practice are aimed at radically questioning the sense of being a separate self. If pursued deeply, this can produce experiences in which your identity, your sense of reality, and the distinction between self and world feel profoundly unstable. These experiences can be beautiful and meaningful, but they can also be frightening, disorienting, or psychologically destabilizing. You do not need to pursue awakening simply because you are interested in spirituality. If your motivation is curiosity, self-improvement, meaning, or psychological wellbeing, you can pursue those goals without making radical ego-dissolution your objective. Do not assume that wanting to understand enlightenment means that you are willing to experience it. Ask yourself beforehand: ‘If discovering the truth seriously threatened my ordinary sense of who I am, would I actually want to continue?’ If the answer is uncertain, that's important information.” - ChatGPT

Thanks for the answers everyone.

I wasn’t able to surrender my ego and I want to know why. The reasons I’ve come up with is: Immaturity: If you aren’t mature enough to handle the Truth you won’t do it. Priorities: If you value survival and sanity over Truth you won’t go all the way. Attachment: If you’re too attached to the dream you won’t let it go. Fear: If you’re too afraid of the unknown (Truth) you won’t face it. Another question I have is why did it begin to happen if I wasn’t ready?

Thanks for the answers, especially @Carl-Richard . I’ve concluded that I wasn’t ready for spirituality and that I should’ve spent at least until 30 to begin spirituality.

Actualized.org present some of the most advanced esoteric knowledge openly in an exoteric manner. They might reach people who aren’t ready for them. Spirituality is ultimately about forfeiting the self (dying), which I don’t think most people are ready for, at least I wasn’t. Reaching the point of ego dissolution and then backtracking because I wasn’t ready has caused me a lot of suffering. I mean Leo even deleted the solipsism episode.

Post #82 The devil can only exist so long as God is asleep. It’s not in the devils interest that God awakens. But there’s nothing God wants more than to awaken. You’re playing a game against yourself.

Post #81: C'est la vie Reality has a brutal and unforgiving side.

Post #80 Reality has too much time on its hands.

True. It might be. Do you think you were ready for Leo’s teachings when you were first presented with them?

I thought about that. Maybe I wasn’t ready for spirituality at all… Perhaps spiritual teachings should come with a major warning and should only be taught to those who are ready for if. Maybe that’s a reason for them generally being esoteric.

I did and it ruined my life

Post #79 The Universe plays too much.

Post #78 If only I had the courage to go all the way… Intelligence won’t make up for a lack of courage. Be careful thinking that intelligence alone is sufficient. There’s consequences to being cowardly.

Post #77 Don’t try to be deep if you haven’t been shallow first.

Post #76 I was never a serious truth seeker. If you aren’t serious about truth, meaning you’re willing to give your life to know the truth, don’t get into spirituality.

Post #75 I took the blue pill* *Not in reference to the blue pill of dating.

Post #74 Here’s a big trap for you: getting into spirituality before you’re ready for it. I was to curious for my own good. If you like something don’t find out how it’s made. Actualized.org shouldn’t be exoteric imo.

Post #73 I’ll never forgive myself.

Post #72 What kind of cruel joke is this.

Post #71 I want to know who’s calling the shots.