Sugarcoat

I know it all sounds crazy. But I just happened to be born into a very unique body mind, not my choice.

The way it works for me is just something completely different

Thanks for your kindness I really wish it was like that. In the beginning when I didn’t yet understand what it was about I did this very very light exercise that was so light I could do it for over 10 hours straight. I did it several evenings in a row, and it didn’t do anything except very minimum short lasting effect afterwards. one plank until exhaustion did more than all of that, something in me has now understood that it is truly the intensity it is about, miserably enough. it’s the only way to produce a sense of self. I have no choice in this cycle, as I said when I slip down into the void it doesn’t feel like I am driving my steps and I’m driven towards the resistance, but then I stop when it gets too much because it hurts, then I’m stuck in this loop ..

Thanks , although I have no hope

All this time I thought that at the other side of all that resistance being dissolved I would connect to this best self but no it has to be created in this way I described it will not appear by itself…Jesus what has my existence arrived at I cannot phantom it there is no escaping this

I understand someone would think that which is fine to me, doesn’t affect what I’m going through at all. Everything I said is me trying to describe it to the tea. I wish I was not born into this body mind . In this moment I have this weak sense of self so I’m able to write this without being 100% gone but I know it will dissipate soon

Either I make myself out of this which I just cannot possibly phantom being possible or I dont know what the alternative could be.

Something in me came to the conclusion that I have to put myself through as much of resistance as I possibly can in physical exercise and that that is my ~only~ way to existence altogether. This is very very real. All my life I have been guided by my own mind in this process and it never lies. In the way you discovered those techniques my mind just understood immediately what I need to do and that is literal torture. I have no way out of this. In this very moment I have this extremely weak sense of self that is protecting me from slipping down into this void where something drives me towards the resistance and I fall into this inevitable absolutely miserable cycle. In the deepest void my head this one time would spasm from the unease. I will literally dream about exercise during the night this is no joke. I know I sound crazy but trust me I’m not. As I said I have had telepathy and various stuff ,awakening at 20 yo, . I’m extremely unique . This body mind that I was born into is so absolutely extreme it scares me to my core. It took me 20 years to burn through all these layers of mind and to open up my system, and now it’s telling me to absolutely torture myself to do the opposite as my only way to anything at all and I’m currently in my biggest possible imagingable nightmare

I have naturally over ate, distracted , bit the f out of my nails recently, but it doesn’t help because what I’m going through is so all encompassing that it encapsulates all those experiences and can’t be shook

Nothing from outside can help me in this.

it’s more direct than observation it’s literally me. No distance. directly experiencing it . Can’t describe really. As I’m sitting here I know this little tiny presence will slip again, and whatever will happen then I cannot know until. In that place I don’t have choice in that way. Sounds crazy , it is even crazier than it sounds

Here it works differently . Very differently. So as I said before, the weaker the self the less choice so something moves me to do something, trying to maintain itself, continuous cycle. Very odd I know. I don’t understand it myself. It doesn’t make sense . I cannot possibly phantom what I am in

So I am familiar with non dual stuff so basically nothing from the outside has any effect on what I’m going through because I function fully from the inside so nothing outside changes anything the reason I’m able to have this convo and not be absolutely gone now is because I have tiny little self from yesterday but I know it will sink soon and whatever happens then I cannot know until well it is neurological in the way that it’s like a permanent almost total wipeout but it’s not disorder in that way

Yea

So as I said before the sense of choice appears when the sense of self strengthens. All these workout things didn’t feel like I did them it’s more something else that drives me . In this very moment I feel fine but I know it will last short and I’ll slip down again and something else takes me over once again back in the cycle

surrender is not possible because when the sense of self weakens it doesn’t feel like I am the one driving my actions

That is exactly what I’m doing

I don’t understand either

The less sense of self I have the less it feels I am the one driving my actions and I’m being moved towards the resistance its a hopeless cycle

Reality doesn’t care it’s brutality has no limits

I function 100% from inside, so nothing from the outside has any effect on my state at all basically Relaxation is the opposite of what I need. I’m not stressed in any sort of tense way it’s beyond stress. There’s not really a point in me even writing this because it makes no difference

never done psychedelics nor pursued spirituality much it all came pretty natural except whatever this misery is

I could say that it’s like what I am is this thing that is trying to maintain itself. So it doesn’t feel like there is a choice in it like I am clinging and could let go. And it is pure misery in a way that is beyond an emotion or state and it’s not identity in the sense of different qualities about me like I am this I am that way, I have absolutely zero attachments to anything but my literal own self and that is choice less I didn’t mean all resistance, but rather that there seemed to be a block between me and reality, me and something deeper in myself. then that block dissolves, it seemed like you would get to something you would like on the other side but then it realizes that there is nothing there and seeks to maintain and grow itself. And it found pushing against resistance is the only way , I don’t even understand this back in high school already I would have these shifts where reality seemed closer. “ Resistance “Layers of mind dissolving , then after awakening every day, so layers of mind, energy released, neurological level too, it all added up to a point it was like and still is like ~almost~ no center looking out, and it is desperately trying to maintain itself. Kind of like you have strings attached to you pulling at every moment but you are those string an impossible to describe but it is straight up misery. also everything I say barely feels real to me at all like it is so extremely vague. no non dual experience here. That sounds like a total wipeout that’s not what I’m describing here. the exercise thing with the resistance is very very real I go could on for hours describing this but it would not encapsulate what I’m going through My experience of everything is directly related to my sense of self so music included gets vaguer so I stopped listening . No joy in anything it’s the lack of depth and 3D to reality , extremely close . Not at all lens i don’t experience emotions no there’s not really much robustness in me that could be moved by anything Nothing I or nobody says has any affect on it whatsoever

I don’t know what you’re talking about but this is not that. But nothing from outside has affect on it so doesn’t matter what you name it like I’m at work right now and can kind of feel myself sinking impossible to describe

It’s not fully non existent that’s not possible to experience it’s extremely vague existence it’s in a way impossible to describe like this post doesn’t encapsulate it directly because it’s about literally your sense of self, the most direct thing ever Thoughts are no problem it is something more fundamental then thoughts which decides how thoughts are experienced I know I’m not answering all you asked but simply it is not that. Derealization could pass, come and go this is not like that. Panic and anxiety too music has no effect. Nothing affects it from outside