Sugarcoat

@An young being @Breakingthewall So nobody has understood the exercise thing I talk about . That’s why I say I wonder if anyone ever has gone through this that is an aspect of this absolute nightmare cycle I am stuck in which is beyond what i could ever imagine I would find myself in It sounds absolutely insane but it is very real. jim newmam says himself how the self is physical tension and something in me figured it out that pushing against resistance in physical exercise is the only way to produce selF so it’s this cycle, when my sense of self weakens and weakens, I lose my sense of autonomy and my mind drives me to physical exercise . It doesn’t feel like an active choice because I am barely there. Then I do it until it hurts and I stop, and little sense of self is produced, then it’s weak and starts to weaken again and the cycle continues. The only way out is tortureous exercise which my mind is trying to move me to to produce something stable, but ofc nobody would ever want to go that route. It is the greatest indescribable nightmare I could’ve ever imagined being in. I say over and over why surrender is not possible but I wish it was. As the sense of self weakens it doesn’t feel like I drive my actions so something deeper in me drives me . Something that is trying to bring me back to life the absolute horribleness of the process of dissolving is not something I have an relationship to and could surrender to- because I am the very dissolving in itself - I’m not doing the resistance I am the very resistance to dissolving. It’s almost impossible to explain but surrender would be like someone lets something happen. But when my self weakens and weakens there’s not much autonomy there to let anything happen . The sort of “holding onto itself” is happening automatically and I am that, one could say. It’s not like let’s say someone has a negative emotion they are experiencing and they let it be there and pass- there’s no relationship to it that I could let or not let happen. I wouldn’t be writing here if I was in the deepest void because my sense of anything is so vague there is no point I’m speaking from the most genuine place. Now I have a little sense of self but it is very very vague and I know deep down it’s not gonna last and when something else takes over I am in the cycle again and it is the last thing I would’ve ever wish in all of my life i I did not chose to be born into this body mind,

For basically all my life, accelerating very rapidly after my awakening this April has been this process of dissolving of mental layers , shifts, unraveling in my system etc. happening naturally and spontaneously mostly I’ve been working on different things in my life in these phases, so all this inner stuff happening, then social stuff in my past, financial, working on my fitness in my past, “self improvement” stuff. although the internal stuff has been dominating my experience - something very fundamental to how my body/mind works is that I’m basically like 100% “turned inward on myself” . Been like that all my life, so anything happening inside is what I’m mostly aware of and anything outside is just background noise, that’s why I might seem so unreachable because I do truly function from “inside out” .

1. Well the physical pain refers to pain from exercise . What I’m saying with all this is that when you push against resistance in physical exercise you literally produce sense of self. And the harder you go the more sense of self is produced. My body mind figured this out through direct experience. it wants me to go towards that resistance to build myself up. And that is extremely disturbing when the sense of self is absolute weakest , or just when it weakens in general it’s this very deep unease that can’t really be pin pointed as it permeates your entire being . It’s not physical it’s more your relationship to everything 2. well it’s more that when the sense of self is weak it doesn’t feel like I’m making choices more like I’m being driven to different things. So this workout thing I’m talking about something in me just decided The sense of self has a very intimate relationship with resistance. This workout thing is unfortunately very real in my experience. I wish it wasn’t like this. These past weeks have been horrible. In this very moment I am somewhat fine but I know it won’t last. Anything that is relaxing doesn’t help in my experience because the suffering I’m going through relates to something that is more fundamental than stress or mental activity

Well this body/brain I was born into is extremely unique yes, naturally mystic one could say. I’ve just been along for the ride the suffering from my experience isn’t really a fear of dissolution because you can’t imagine dissolution - it’s more that this very nagging activity of trying to maintain itself from dissolving , that is the suffering - like I am the very thing that is trying to maintain itself - not like I am doing it, but it’s being done automatically and I’m the experiencer of it if that makes sense. I wish it didn’t hurt. But I don’t feel there is any choice in that

From my experience, this is 100% from “inside out” . So when my sense of self was at its absolute weakest - other people reflect that in the sense that they barely feel real at all to me either. Barely in this moment too. So far the only thing having any affect whatsoever is physical resistance, however crazy it might seem grounding from what I understand is more coming back to the body . This is more a severe weakening of sense of self and its process and attempts to build itself up something like that although the words can’t really describe this as I said before - this is a result of years of shifting, untangling, opening , change in my body/brain/mind etc I am almost fully certain - that if a scientist would scan my brain - they would be able to see what I’m talking about - this extremely vague sense of self from all the change that has occurred inside. That is beyond psychology. It’s beyond emotions , particular thoughts, it’s so fundamental

I’ve been out in nature, I’m outside at work every day. The unease is not like the common type of stress and anxiety and is not affected by breathing. Environment doesn’t affect it either. The sense of self is so fundamental that depending on sort of how much it’s struggling or not is what determines how all of reality seems - so the outside doesn’t affect it, it’s from inside out, not outside in affect this seemingly cyclic reasoning is just me describing my experience . It’s neither helping nor not helping, talking about this doesn’t change this process. In this very moment I’m kinda fine, but I feel very vague, like I could slip in any moment . So I’m talking about it because I’m just interacting, a bit of desperation in it that “resistance” against “dissolving” is not from my experience something that I’m actively doing, it’s being done but I’m sort of experiencing it if that makes sense. So the horribleness of it feels completely choiceless that that is how it seems, like I have absolutely no choice in experiencing it negatively

In the same way that in my past when there would be releases of resistance it didn’t feel like I was the one doing it, it was happening spontaneously, not like “I let go” In the same way when my sense of self gets extremely weak i don’t experience it as I’m the one holding on or resisting, but it’s like choiceless. Like movement is movement it’s not doing the action of moving kind of.

So many night have been like that recently they all reflect what’s going on with uou

Music barely feels real it doesn’t touch anything because I barely feel real in the beginning of this i did this extremely light exercise movements that were so light it was meditative and I did it first 3 hours, next night 4 hours and then on like that until one night I did 15 hours . It did not produce desired effect basically what my mind has realized is that absolute torture is my only way, and it is the most horror that I cannot grasp it. My system is telling me to produce myself from scratch through torturing myself and that that is my only way

This is so deep that when my sense of self weakens my sense of others weaken too so it’s like I’ve told a few people I don’t feel good and it does absolutely nothing at all when they say nice things to me, it doesn’t change anything at all in the slightest. I’ve written on Reddit too. I get these thoughts all the time that is like desperately trying to escape maybe a thought about telling all my family and going to psych ward but it all barely feels real at all. like as I’m writing this my sense of you guys is extremely vague. the only thing that changes this is the physical resistance. No joke. And that is pure horror.

it’s not fear of loss of control.I fear physical pain. and no it’s not like something is trying to latch onto me, it’s more direct than that. Like I am the very thing trying to maintain itself and is barely holding itself up. I don’t know how I could explain this further I’ve written a lot i can just say that about a month ago, suddenly it was like I was almost completely headless and reality almost had no 3D to it. That’s not conceptual, because when my sense of self is weaker thoughts are also more “hollow” Then those thoughts every second every day morning to night started to go on about suffering from physical resistance. Like something in me knew, at first it seemed innocent I explored it a little and noticed oh if I do a little exercise suddenly there is some robustness in my head (center) that is produced as I push against the resistance that’s good. But it’s so weak and it falls apart quick, so I go again for more. And it’s still weak? How much is needed? And my mind starts to understand the resistance is seemingly infinite to phantom able levels it is the only way out. so the horror from directly experiencing yourself sort of sinking forward - that is choiceless how that is experienced - that is not me thinking it is bad, it is experienced directly as bad. The idea of not having sense of self doesnt seem bad to me, I don’t fear that, I can’t imagine that, the raw experience of sinking forward for some reason just is horrendous here, it’s not I am holding on- it’s more there is holding on and I am that holding on activity impossible to explain. and then the horror from your mind all day in and out pointing to suffering as your only way out so it’s hell in both ways. for some reason i still now have this extremely vague sense of self holding me up . It’s like I am resting as myself but it’s extremely weak foundation. And I know it will not last long i can just say what im right now is the last thing i would ever want.

As I said before now I feel somehow fine because I have some sense of self but I know it will slip soon I know it’s that cycle concepts and mind are no problem they just describe something beyond them. The raw experience is beyond that

It’s not at all like that but it’s fine because it doesn’t change my experience.

I’m talking about the self as in experience, then what absolute truth is I have no clue that is another thing. so this thing “you’re everything”, doesn’t affect experience I can say I could clearly tell it was permanent in the sense it’s not gonna build itself by itself. So it’s not like a trip where it’s this weakening of self then it comes back absolutely not. literally all my workouts have produced this tiny little center . the mental activity increases when the sense of self weakens - it’s like reverse relationship . And nothing outside changes it

I’m simply describing what I’ve been going through these last weeks. talking about it doesn’t really make any difference it’s just some desperation I’ve had plenty of shifts in my life, “increases in consciousness “ where there is release of tension and reality seems expanded and closer, every single time it was lovely yes. But then it got to a point where it’s like the complete reverse is going on. I say “ it “ because when sense of self is extremely weak it doesn’t feel like you’re doing things but ofc it’s something in me/my brain this is beyond a belief system. resistance is beyond mental. The mind will try to grasp at resistance so it can imagine pain, but that is not the actual pain. You are beyond mental. Self can have sort of mental identifications to it but the center is beyond mental (in experience)

the sense of self is beyond mental identifications- it’s a solid center one could say (in experience) Mental identifications can go away but that’s not the same as this center experience. One can have a sort of “distance” to a mental ego , but that is not the same as this center experiencer which is beyond mental and which there is no distance to if it’s absolutely real or not is one thing but that doesn’t change the direct experience which is what I’m describing here. Everything I’ve said so far is from the most genuine place . when my sense of self was at its absolute weakest - my mind was not imagining “the void” , my mind was imagining physical resistance almost every moment all day (sounds crazy but yes that’s how it works, because the mind imagines that which maintains you). To the point I’ll dream about it at night I don’t have fear of some imagined void- the experience of weakening of self is not something one imagines it’s directly experienced . When I say the void I’m not talking about total empty because that would mean absolute zero, it’s just a description of a weakening of sense of solid center theres not reaction to sense of self as the experience is that I am myself so no distance to the center when one feels like they are the center thoughts are not scary - thoughts are trying to grasp at something beyond themselves. - whatever that is can be scary or not a thought about pain isn’t scary because the thought is scary it’s the fear of the real thing that thought is pointing to. the unease in my entire being when my sense of self weakens - it’s not the body is not at ease it’s like I am this activity that is desperately trying to maintain itself and that is the unease in itself - and simultaneously unease about it being physical resistance that maintain me it doesn’t make sense at all what I’m saying which I understand it would have to be experienced directly to make sense

Whether sense of self is real or not is one thing. But this is the direct experience here what I’m talking about. It is the deepest possible hell I could’ve ever imagined

No words really capture the process one could say what I am is this activity trying to maintain itself. And as the sense of a solid center starts to dissolve and reality looses it’s 3d depth and seems closer and flatter than ever, this activity is desperately trying to keep itself alive and it feels like this absolutely disgusting strings tugging in all of my being, impossible to describe. and it discovered that by pushing against resistance in physical exercise it produces sense of self so it solidifies and this nagging activity can rest and I can rest as myself literally but then it’s an cycle seemingly impossible to break through Like these past weeks have been workout, stop when it gets to hard because it hurts, a little sense of self produced, it starts to weaken again, once again something takes over and drives me to another workout, push until it hurts to much , sense of self produced , over and over and over. Seemingly impossible cycle. Sounds absolutely insane but it is very real

I know I sound unreachable and it is because I truly am. My mind knows and it always knows…took weeks to figure it out what this is all about in this very moment as I said I have a little sense of self that is like this baseline I am resting on so I’m fine in this moment but I know it will slip down soon As I said with the surrender thing. As sense of self weakens I don’t experience myself as in control with choice. Like something in me understands what’s going on and it is driving my actions towards what I need, until it gets too painful and I stop , and the cycle continues this weekend I was in denial and didn’t exercise “why would I “ ,” maybe death isn’t so bad”, but then once again something takes over as sense of self weakens and sense of autonomy weakens and drives me back in the cycle Like this is so deep, nothing except strong resistance makes any difference to this, everything is like “the same” at a certain baseline of self. So me talking to you right now feels only as real to the degree that my sense of self is real, which is very vague but thank you anyways.

Tnx although I just can’t imagine it

I know it all sounds crazy. But I just happened to be born into a very unique body mind, not my choice.

The way it works for me is just something completely different

Thanks for your kindness I really wish it was like that. In the beginning when I didn’t yet understand what it was about I did this very very light exercise that was so light I could do it for over 10 hours straight. I did it several evenings in a row, and it didn’t do anything except very minimum short lasting effect afterwards. one plank until exhaustion did more than all of that, something in me has now understood that it is truly the intensity it is about, miserably enough. it’s the only way to produce a sense of self. I have no choice in this cycle, as I said when I slip down into the void it doesn’t feel like I am driving my steps and I’m driven towards the resistance, but then I stop when it gets too much because it hurts, then I’m stuck in this loop ..

Thanks , although I have no hope

All this time I thought that at the other side of all that resistance being dissolved I would connect to this best self but no it has to be created in this way I described it will not appear by itself…Jesus what has my existence arrived at I cannot phantom it there is no escaping this