Sugarcoat

Nothing I can do about the process of dissolving? The thing is, describing this cycle the last weeks, when my sense of self weakens my sense of autonomy goes down, so it’s like something in me drives me to physical resistance automatically to try to maintain and build me up. How crazy as it sounds. It’s a very twisted cycle. then some sense of self is produced from exercise like right now it’s like I am this very vague baseline resting on itself but I don’t know how long it will hold itself up , and then back again in the cycle. Like it’s a very odd thing. What I’m describing about these last weeks as twisted as it sounds is just my description but it’s like this loop of attempt at self maintenance . The choice to let or not let something pass requires a self with autonomy, as I said as it weakens its like I don’t have that autonomy do decide to do this or that because I’m barely there

I could write more but I’ve written so much but it doesn’t really apply to this in my experience

From the most genuine place I am talking about the self which there is not really a relationship to because you are yourself. The kind of suffering when it weakens is different than you fearing something outside yourself

This is not about health related it’s about self and self only,

I’m equally if not more in disbelief about this than you. It’s not me who is crazy or weird, this vessel I was born into is just something else. And it has been like that my entire life.

it has been a process since I was a child. when I was a child. My experience of myself was that I was very far back in my skull and the outside world seemed extremely distant. then it was like this dense mind took a hold of me then slowly but surely all these layers of my mind dissolved and with each release it was like I moved “forward” and it’s like the distance between you and outside world lessen leading up to maybe a few weeks ago when it was like I was almost completely headless,( still is in this moment but very vague sense of me) like there’s almost nobody looking out the eyes. And then it’s like this pulling like it’s trying to hold itself and pull itself back. And it doesn’t feel like a choice. Then the exercise thing started so its a result of a lifelong process of change in this vessel.

Ofc that is possible. What can I say more than what I’ve already said?

That’s probably the best analogy I’ve come up with so far about why it’s hellish to be in this process of dissolving Imagine that you are a fire - you are suffering because you are burning yourself. But you can’t make the choice to stop burning yourself , because you literally are the fire the self is kind of this “activity” and it’s trying to keep itself alive. When it starts to dissolve it will fight even harder than before to keep itself alive - and that is hellish. It’s like strings pulling in all your being - but you are those strings so it’s choiceless

it’s not the sinking that feels like hell. It’s this sort of activity of trying to desperately pull back from sinking that is hell . And it’s not experienced as a choice like I’m the one doing that activity , it’s happening automatically and I am living it. Im not talking about self as in mental identities like I’m smart, im pretty , im nice etc, im talking about the solid center, when that starts to dissolve it doesn’t feel like I’m fighting to keep it alive, it just happens automatically by itself but it feels like hell. Like if you were a fire - you’re not committing the action of burning yourself because you are the very itself fire so it’s not experienced as a choice like “I could surrender” but it’s still hell

The interpretation doesn’t affect what I’m going through and have been going through it doesn’t hurt to interpret and talk about it. No problem in all this conceptualizing As I said I’m just interacting as myself with reality before I sink back down

That is okay. I understand all the responses I get and what people mean but it is not what I mean. And that is okay because it doesn’t change my experience unfortunately

It’s not closeminded ness it’s that it doesn’t describe my experience. I’m not here to convince anyone or argue, I don’t mind who responds or doesn’t . it’s a bit more tragic than that I’m just enjoying this little sense of self I have now produced and interacting with others as it, while I can before it starts to weaken again. i believe Jim Newman is perhaps the only one who would understand what I’m talking about based on all the “teachers” I’ve heard (although he talks about non duality so not really, but the way he talks about the self has some similarity) Me insisting on it being more fundamental is because I am precisely talking about the sense of center self. Isn’t is the most fundamental thing? And how it can change, the suffering connected to that, and resistance. Those are all words, but the experience of it is very real in experience .

There is nothing that’s gonna build itself back by itself. It’s not like a trip that is temporary opening . It’s the result of years of accumulated change and shifting

The reason I can say with certainty that it could be seen neurologically is because it’s a constant thing it’s not like some temporary state or emotion. my sense of self feels very vague, and it’s like I am extremely “forward” in my skull , like everything I’m looking at is extremely close to me , almost headless and that is my current “baseline” as a child I had the opposite ; my sense of self was extremely far back in my skull like everything seemed extremely distant . That was my baseline ghats not some belief system, or negative thoughts, or passing emotion, or passing state. That’s a lived baseline , it can’t not have a neurological basis

Everything is fine except me : that’s what this is all about. The weakening of sense of self being suffering doesn’t mean it’s a problem for the brain, the brain is fine. there’s not really a point in getting a brain scan unless there is some chemical or thing that could be done to bring stability to this sense of self- and there doesn’t seem to be anything like that its deeper than this too for example a few weeks ago when my sense of self was at its absolute lowest : any concept barely has any reality to it whatsoever, people don’t have barely any reality whatsoever , so sitting down in a hospital wouldn’t even feel real at all so it doesn’t change anything so nothing in me is attracted to doing so.

in this moment when talking about a few weeks ago when my sense of self was absolute weakest, im not suffering when thinking about it. The suffering isn’t connected to any thoughts about it. That time few weeks ago, and these past weeks, the suffering was not caused by mental interpretation. When the sense of self weakens, thoughts weaken simultaneously, they seem more hollow, as sense of self strengthens, everything in reality seems richer and more real . The sense of you existing, and the strengthening and weakening of that experience, is prior to interpretation, I’m describing the most fundamental thing: self, not mental mind self literally the “I am here” solidity center sense. When my sense of self weakens, what happens is that there is this sort of “activity of maintenance”. I’m not doing that. It is being done but it’s like I AM that activity in itself. And that is the suffering like strings pulling in all your being but you are the strings literally it’s all automatic . I don’t do resistance I am the resistance it’s more intimate than that, there’s not really a relationship to it. That’s why I say brain tries to preserve self because in my experience I’m in my head aware of what’s going on and simultaneously intimately entangled in it , thus a “victim” of it. and the thoughts about physical exercise happens automatically - my brain pointing me to that which would build me back up ofc the body is fine, it is always fine. it’s prior to any contemplation : the experience of thoughts changes as sense of self grows /weakness

I’ve written a lot already

Nothing

Suffering is still suffering, whether it’s actually real or not. I’m describing direct experience I’m talking about the most fundamental thing ever literally you, the experience that you exist and its relationship to resistance. All those things mentioned are extra on the side doesn’t touch the core of what I am describing

ofc the words are interpretation they don’t actually express the direct experience me doing this is just some way of interacting as myself because I know that this tiny sense of self will sink sooner or later maybe day or two I don’t know. It’s this cycle that’s been going on these last weeks I don’t expect anyone to reply, anyone is free to say what they want it doesn’t change anything. me writing this post was some desperation to interact as myself with others and express but everything I’ve written so far is 100% genuinely an attempt at describing . It sounds extremely crazy because it is extremely rare. But essentially what it boils down to is this center self and its attempts to maintain itself and its relationship to resistance. But the lived experience is indescribable the brain tries to preserve self automatically it’s not much choice at all in the matter. if I am breaking the rules feel free but I don’t think I am

I am in such a deep hell my mind cannot grasp it. its like I barely exist and the way to existence is an incomprehensible amount of physical resistance - basically torture and in the other direction we have dissolving - the more you dissolve the stronger this horrendous ~automatic~ activity of trying to maintain itself gets- and the less autonomy you have so something deeper in your brain drives you to try to preserve you. so its this cycle. Hell in both directions i cannot possibly phantom this. This tiny little self I have now; I know that it will sink , and what happens then is not up to me because I’m barely there at all

It was the end of mind identification. but mind identification isn’t all there is to self when I say self I’m referring to the more fundamental solid center. Self doesn’t come by itself physical exercise isn’t about grounding it’s about production of sense of self

You have a point there but what happens inevitably is that cycle I talked about on being driven to physical resistance to try to maintain myself. It’s kind of like automatic reflex. Could I just stay and not do it? There is barely self there to do that

This is deeply neurological . It’s beyond psychological. I am almost 100% certain what I’m talking about can be seen on a brain scan It’s more fundamental than thinking the weaker the sense of self the more hollow thoughts seem and vice versa. the sense of solid center “I am here” is more fundamental then any sort of mind identification it’s the most fundamental thing to your reality my experience is of being extremely extremely vague and “forward” in the skull like almost no distance to what I’m looking at. everything seeming barely real and flat. And the only thing having an affect on this is physical resistance. Because when you push against resistance in exercise sense of self is produced and as a consequence it gives rise to all of reality- literally the 3D ness of reality increases when sense of self increases. That’s basically how it functions this process. And the stronger resistance the more sense of self and all of reality as a consequence . This was a horrendous discovery that my brain discovered through direct experience the brain does everything it can to preserve the sense of self and I am the sort of a victim of that process. I cannot stop this attempt at maintenance. i have noticed this pattern, the weaker my sense of self gets, the more thoughts about torturous physical exercise. Imagine you are walking around almost completely headless and flashing before your eyes every single second is visualization of extreme physical exercise , you even dream about it at night sometimes basically the brain showing you what you need to maintain and build yourself up. Is there a choice to not do like these thoughts? The sense of self is so weak that it’s like something deeper in me that is trying to preserve me drives me towards the exercise so no. I know it sounds crazy but the problem is that when the exercise gets hard that’s when the choice comes in and ofc I stop because it’s painful. but then the consequence is that the sense of self produced is so weak it will dissolve again and this cycle continues You can’t relax into the void because I am the very activity that’s trying to maintain itself there’s not autonomy there to let or not let it happen it’s being done

The brain is doing all it can to preserve the sense of self so yea when sense of self weakens more and more it feels automatic everything I do until the exercising gets hard and I stop because of pain. If I’m at home about to exercise and maybe I wait a little it’s like reality is just completely flat there is almost nothing anywhere. And I’m almost completely headless so I’m driven by something deeper in me that knows there is more to reality than this- and that comes to life through physical resistance. So it’s like there is nowhere else to go in reality than towards the resistance. The void is “non negotiable “, “I” can only stand so much of it. I remember when my sense of self was at its weakest it is so disgusting I was twisting and turning at night. the self as in the solid center has an intimate relationship with physical resistance . It’s hard to explain but it’s like you feel you’re extremely “forward” in your skull and there’s like zero distance between you and what you’re looking at and there’s this constant “pulling” action in all of your being like it’s trying to pull itself back and that is horrendous to be that experience, but you’re not doing it: