Sugarcoat

Yea it is being allowed because it’s happening automatically , but its not really me allowing it because it’s not like I could ~not~ allow it . It’s just happening like this automatic mechanism, and I am intimately entangled with it. Almost like I am the resistance so intimate. It just is suffering in itself this “effort” of it trying to maintain itself and I’m sort of living that . Surrender sounds absolutely lovely, but for some reason it doesn’t play out like that when I start to dissolve what happens instead is that something in me figured that strenuous physical exercise creates this “robustness” in the brain I don’t know how it works exactly but then the sense of self can stabilize in this and it stops this painful “activity of having to maintain itself” . So it’s this very very twisted hellish cycle of being driven to exercise but then stopping when it gets to hard etc then sense of self starts to dissolve again. Basically the only way out is tortureous exercise to create a robust foundation for the self to rest on, or being in this cycle for infinity. Like in this moment I feel I could dissolve any time, and what happens then I can’t know it’s like something else takes over because I lose autonomy It sounds bat shit crazy. But it’s actually quite simple in theory it’s this cycle of self trying to maintain itself and build itself . And when I weaken it’s like something deeper in me drives my behavior so I can’t say in this moment “I won’t do that” because I won’t really be there to make a choice.

everything I say comes from inside me

. When I start to weaken the resistance is not this thing separate from me that I have a relationship to and can welcome or not, it is more intimate than that, my being is entangled with this resistance like I am the resistance in a way , it’s not like some sensation in the body one can relate to . It is being allowed because it is happening helplessly. It just is suffering in itself

I’ve explained it many times now

It sounds crazy but i just sense how this vague self sooner or later will start to weaken again and then it’s like something deeper in this vessel takes over . And it’s not a matter of letting or not letting because I’m barely there to do anything at all

Nothing I can do about the process of dissolving? The thing is, describing this cycle the last weeks, when my sense of self weakens my sense of autonomy goes down, so it’s like something in me drives me to physical resistance automatically to try to maintain and build me up. How crazy as it sounds. It’s a very twisted cycle. then some sense of self is produced from exercise like right now it’s like I am this very vague baseline resting on itself but I don’t know how long it will hold itself up , and then back again in the cycle. Like it’s a very odd thing. What I’m describing about these last weeks as twisted as it sounds is just my description but it’s like this loop of attempt at self maintenance . The choice to let or not let something pass requires a self with autonomy, as I said as it weakens its like I don’t have that autonomy do decide to do this or that because I’m barely there

I could write more but I’ve written so much but it doesn’t really apply to this in my experience

From the most genuine place I am talking about the self which there is not really a relationship to because you are yourself. The kind of suffering when it weakens is different than you fearing something outside yourself

This is not about health related it’s about self and self only,

I’m equally if not more in disbelief about this than you. It’s not me who is crazy or weird, this vessel I was born into is just something else. And it has been like that my entire life.

it has been a process since I was a child. when I was a child. My experience of myself was that I was very far back in my skull and the outside world seemed extremely distant. then it was like this dense mind took a hold of me then slowly but surely all these layers of my mind dissolved and with each release it was like I moved “forward” and it’s like the distance between you and outside world lessen leading up to maybe a few weeks ago when it was like I was almost completely headless,( still is in this moment but very vague sense of me) like there’s almost nobody looking out the eyes. And then it’s like this pulling like it’s trying to hold itself and pull itself back. And it doesn’t feel like a choice. Then the exercise thing started so its a result of a lifelong process of change in this vessel.

Ofc that is possible. What can I say more than what I’ve already said?

That’s probably the best analogy I’ve come up with so far about why it’s hellish to be in this process of dissolving Imagine that you are a fire - you are suffering because you are burning yourself. But you can’t make the choice to stop burning yourself , because you literally are the fire the self is kind of this “activity” and it’s trying to keep itself alive. When it starts to dissolve it will fight even harder than before to keep itself alive - and that is hellish. It’s like strings pulling in all your being - but you are those strings so it’s choiceless

it’s not the sinking that feels like hell. It’s this sort of activity of trying to desperately pull back from sinking that is hell . And it’s not experienced as a choice like I’m the one doing that activity , it’s happening automatically and I am living it. Im not talking about self as in mental identities like I’m smart, im pretty , im nice etc, im talking about the solid center, when that starts to dissolve it doesn’t feel like I’m fighting to keep it alive, it just happens automatically by itself but it feels like hell. Like if you were a fire - you’re not committing the action of burning yourself because you are the very itself fire so it’s not experienced as a choice like “I could surrender” but it’s still hell

The interpretation doesn’t affect what I’m going through and have been going through it doesn’t hurt to interpret and talk about it. No problem in all this conceptualizing As I said I’m just interacting as myself with reality before I sink back down

That is okay. I understand all the responses I get and what people mean but it is not what I mean. And that is okay because it doesn’t change my experience unfortunately

It’s not closeminded ness it’s that it doesn’t describe my experience. I’m not here to convince anyone or argue, I don’t mind who responds or doesn’t . it’s a bit more tragic than that I’m just enjoying this little sense of self I have now produced and interacting with others as it, while I can before it starts to weaken again. i believe Jim Newman is perhaps the only one who would understand what I’m talking about based on all the “teachers” I’ve heard (although he talks about non duality so not really, but the way he talks about the self has some similarity) Me insisting on it being more fundamental is because I am precisely talking about the sense of center self. Isn’t is the most fundamental thing? And how it can change, the suffering connected to that, and resistance. Those are all words, but the experience of it is very real in experience .

There is nothing that’s gonna build itself back by itself. It’s not like a trip that is temporary opening . It’s the result of years of accumulated change and shifting

The reason I can say with certainty that it could be seen neurologically is because it’s a constant thing it’s not like some temporary state or emotion. my sense of self feels very vague, and it’s like I am extremely “forward” in my skull , like everything I’m looking at is extremely close to me , almost headless and that is my current “baseline” as a child I had the opposite ; my sense of self was extremely far back in my skull like everything seemed extremely distant . That was my baseline ghats not some belief system, or negative thoughts, or passing emotion, or passing state. That’s a lived baseline , it can’t not have a neurological basis

Everything is fine except me : that’s what this is all about. The weakening of sense of self being suffering doesn’t mean it’s a problem for the brain, the brain is fine. there’s not really a point in getting a brain scan unless there is some chemical or thing that could be done to bring stability to this sense of self- and there doesn’t seem to be anything like that its deeper than this too for example a few weeks ago when my sense of self was at its absolute lowest : any concept barely has any reality to it whatsoever, people don’t have barely any reality whatsoever , so sitting down in a hospital wouldn’t even feel real at all so it doesn’t change anything so nothing in me is attracted to doing so.

in this moment when talking about a few weeks ago when my sense of self was absolute weakest, im not suffering when thinking about it. The suffering isn’t connected to any thoughts about it. That time few weeks ago, and these past weeks, the suffering was not caused by mental interpretation. When the sense of self weakens, thoughts weaken simultaneously, they seem more hollow, as sense of self strengthens, everything in reality seems richer and more real . The sense of you existing, and the strengthening and weakening of that experience, is prior to interpretation, I’m describing the most fundamental thing: self, not mental mind self literally the “I am here” solidity center sense. When my sense of self weakens, what happens is that there is this sort of “activity of maintenance”. I’m not doing that. It is being done but it’s like I AM that activity in itself. And that is the suffering like strings pulling in all your being but you are the strings literally it’s all automatic . I don’t do resistance I am the resistance it’s more intimate than that, there’s not really a relationship to it. That’s why I say brain tries to preserve self because in my experience I’m in my head aware of what’s going on and simultaneously intimately entangled in it , thus a “victim” of it. and the thoughts about physical exercise happens automatically - my brain pointing me to that which would build me back up ofc the body is fine, it is always fine. it’s prior to any contemplation : the experience of thoughts changes as sense of self grows /weakness

I’ve written a lot already

Nothing

Suffering is still suffering, whether it’s actually real or not. I’m describing direct experience I’m talking about the most fundamental thing ever literally you, the experience that you exist and its relationship to resistance. All those things mentioned are extra on the side doesn’t touch the core of what I am describing

ofc the words are interpretation they don’t actually express the direct experience me doing this is just some way of interacting as myself because I know that this tiny sense of self will sink sooner or later maybe day or two I don’t know. It’s this cycle that’s been going on these last weeks I don’t expect anyone to reply, anyone is free to say what they want it doesn’t change anything. me writing this post was some desperation to interact as myself with others and express but everything I’ve written so far is 100% genuinely an attempt at describing . It sounds extremely crazy because it is extremely rare. But essentially what it boils down to is this center self and its attempts to maintain itself and its relationship to resistance. But the lived experience is indescribable the brain tries to preserve self automatically it’s not much choice at all in the matter. if I am breaking the rules feel free but I don’t think I am