Esilda

@mandyjw Love your channel darl thank you for sharing your work!

@Seed Second that , hope you're doing okay . When I'm feeling lonely I just call up a girlfriend and blabber. When I'm feeling lonely and I don't want talk to anyone I just read a fictional book and wander off into my imagination. I get really into it .

Everyone is just listening to everyone else's opinion on the subject anyway and no one really knows outside those that are really in the know? So this is...

@Epikur Wow, thank you for sharing this!

@roopepa Coach

@Revolutionary Think do you see a therapist to teach you social strategies? Wishing you well .

@modmyth Brainwashed by the Musk marketing stunt!

Not far from home now . Entry coming up tonight!

Ugh, work. Procrastination. @RickyFitts Writing later tonight.

@RickyFitts

your head is a mess girl!!!! start scheduling some writing sessions, from now I will reserve 40 minutes to an hour just totally focused on my writing each day, Ideally I will share something every couple of days. Up in the air!!!!

Letting this journal go now everyone . I'm ready to take the next step to a different place plus all my other queries are being answered outside of this journal now anyway .

@RickyFitts =============================== To myself, Fear, fear, fear go away. Insecurity, insecurity, insecurity go away. I know I still have to learn from you. I know this calling that is coming from the deepest part of my being has made this path uniquely suited to my greatest struggles in life. So... No matter what inner struggles, doubts, dissonances, fears or whatever kind of potential that springs up.... Realise... its a part of the journey. It's a part o the journey. This is meant to happen. It's just like a scary part of a video game. That's all it is. I just need to stay calm, love myself and move towards my spiritual growth. Ease the pressure.

For everything that has happened I will let the deepest of forgiveness and acceptance wash over me and surrender myself towards my highest calling on this path.

I really hope I'm not being irresponsible here, to me the most responsible thing just seems to be to follow my deepest spiritual guidance, I mean, hello sister (talking to myself) this shouldn't be the hardest thing to unpack right? Our paths are aligned. So its perfectly in tune anyway. I just have enormous fear. But I really and truly have nothing to lose by just calmly pacing myself.

I told myself that I would follow this all the way to the end to discover the real meaning, no matter what happened. 'No matter what happened'. I have to be braver than my trauma and sensitivities that hold me back. Not to stretch beyond my means but to listen and follow what life is truly trying to tell me in the subtlest way. I have to fill my doubts with love and understanding, realise that they just come from my memories and life's experiences. I'm putting my name on the dotted line, this is the contract I am signing with the universe in this moment and I am not looking back from here. I will embrace and learn from what comes.

To myself, This unmistakable feeling, it washes all over my body. Even though there's so much I can't communicate right now about this, all of these walls will come down eventually I know it. Everything will appear as it is meant to. I just have to feel into my soul continuously and listen to life. Life would not mislead me in this way. As I'm not dreaming anything up here, its pure feeling, its pure love and it washes all over me. There may be trauma but I know in my heart, deep within my heart that it will all whither away for the better. This love is. Totally undeniable. So I will surrender to the truth that it will slowly reveal to me. I will not allow myself to be in denial about it any longer nor will I allow myself to take myself away from the deeper growth that life is wishing for me to undergo at this time in my life and deep within my spirit.

@Marcel That was really brave of you to share that with me, thank you . I will write back to you on this one .

To myself, Why do I play these games with myself? Why do I destroy things that could have been so good? Life is clearly teaching me right now to go inwards and grow so that I can be ready for my true love (thank you sister). My love is... so so deep. I cannot lie to myself about it anymore. I've said this a thousand times before to myself but it must end, I must get through enough of my trauma that we can align properly with each other. I was ignoring these signals within myself because of my trauma but I have to surrender to this higher calling. I have to trust in something greater than myself. I can't describe darkness, I can only feel it. I have to listen and just stop talking about my problems all the time. Listen to the deeper realms of life in calmness and move as much as I can peacefully towards this higher calling. This energy doesn't just appear out of no where, its unmistakable, its never happened in my life. So I won't pretend it happens more than once in a lifetime. This is the secret I must remind myself, to not take it for granted. I must act like this could only happen once in my life until I've really discovered what is real about all of this.

@Marcel Take your time .

To myself. He doesn't know you within, he never even tried. Find a guy that wants to see the real you. Your father nor your mother were role models for finding love even if they're still together. What guy wants to learn through life truly with me.

@Marcel Share your experiences here?

I shouldn't be so judgemental I know I'm just triggered by them, after-all I know I probably come off as at least a little strange to at least some people, its really just the energy you know. The energy has been really strange for me and the person keeps bringing a lot of different things up for me.

Okay, so we've just had a new person move onto our floor and they're super, super strango and I'm writing about them now because for whatever reason I feel triggered by them a little, I feel some of my more... unpleasant memories come to the surface more whenever I see them around. I won't say whether they're male or female as I don't want anything I say to trigger anyone else, but yeah I've just never really had that with people before I wonder what its like for others. I was blow drying my hair for example after I was washing up and I even felt their presence as they were leaving even though I didn't hear anything through the sound. I just got this odd feeling there was this presence, so I wandered quickly to my front door and I just see them leaving it was so surreal. Anywho, this is me just trying to understand how our minds can bring back or trigger memories from associations and even just feeling, its all new territory for me as well because I've just never felt into myself like I'm now learning to do I've spent a lot of my time just dissociating and feeling fragmented.

To myself, Every nail I polish makes my heart quiver. I move into my femininity much more than I see infinity. In my heart though, nature shows me my spirit. Through all of my trauma, all of those ghosts. Mother Nature blesses me with her love. Where all those ghosts, are torn apart. Where I now get to feel and be a full woman. With every colour I choose, sprinkles love of every part of me. Never missing a side, with every brush stroke I slowly see what's truly me. When the polish has set, I now feel complete. (inspired by my girlfriend here again )