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About 2neurotic4u

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  1. Browsing YouTube, I came across the video: By the channel Psych2Go. Now, this really interested me because I've always wanted a way to pinpoint the details of emotions that are hard to describe. In the description there was this link to "The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows," which goes even further in depth to describe many many more emotions. https://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/ I think this could be useful in understanding/coming to terms with your feelings. I liked going through just to see if I had felt these emotions in the past; I had a bunch of "ohhh, that's a real thing, and not just me"-type moments. Hope this benefits someone!
  2. @JonasVE12 It's just very strange to me.. the notion that I can enjoy the present without regard for the future. It just feels weird, I guess. I think I just need to accept the fact that it's ok to sit back and enjoy life in the present moment, doing what I like to do. My brain keeps going "Ok, what then?" But maybe I don't need to know just yet.
  3. @JonasVE12 I don't know, but it sure wouldn't involve my current mindsets on life haha I'll definitely try this visualization. And I really like the idea that I see that I often push myself through pain for some future, possibly even imaginary outcome. And that outcome of flow and happiness would reside in.. the now. My realization here is that there really isn't any point in constantly sacrificing the now for the future. It's really shocking to realize that I'm just grinding away, not to reach goals, but to reach emotional states. If the goal is happiness, why not maximize the happiness, not the grind for it? And that I don't need to go through self-created sufferings to reach these states. My mind still has trouble grappling with a lot of these ideas, but I can feel I'm on the right path here. Thanks again!
  4. @SLuxy Thank you. What you're saying is true: telling a person with adhd to just 'power through' or giving simple advice can not be effective. It would be like giving someone an operating system handbook for Windows when they have a Mac. Doesn't really work all that well, even though you could argue "It's the same computer? Why aren't you trying hard enough?" etc.
  5. @TheSomeBody I read through your tutorial and the ideas presented are really interesting. Essentially, one would learn to produce their own emotions and stimulation through will, rather than relying on medication to produce those effects for them. At least that's what I got from it. This is an extremely fascinating/groundbreaking concept if it can be used consistently. Are you able to use this effectively yourself, or do you know of anyone who can? If so, I'd be really intrigued to hear about it. My question is about the alertness part of the exercise: Is this the same as meditation? I've noticed that when I stay alert in every, single moment, my willpower quickly diminishes and I lose focus very easily. How can I combat this?
  6. @28 cm unbuffed I'm familiar with that feeling of feeling like you've tried it all, yet still you just don't know what to do. I do really like @JonasVE12's idea of just going inwards for a few weeks, into the present instead of into the future. I'm still figuring it all out for myself though, so I don't have much to add. I just hope everyone struggling with this uncertainty can figure it out, because I know first-hand that it can be very difficult at times. Best of luck.
  7. @Space Thank you, I'll look into it. Let's just say that I do have metal amalgams, or some other sort of heavy metal poisoning. What would be the next step?
  8. @TheSomeBody Interesting, I've done a lot of research on how to help ADHD, from diet to exercise to medication. Yet, I struggle with finding a solution. How does one go about this?
  9. First off, thank you very much for your lengthy responses. I really appreciate it, and I've been thinking about how to respond. These first paragraphs really struck a chord in me. It's both liberating and terrifying to read because I feel that I could have written the same thing, except later on in my life. Almost as if a future self is warning me of going down the same path you did. Specifically, I relate to your idea of 'toxic shame,' taking it, and using it as your guidance. I very often find myself "wanting" to do things that I hate, not because I want to do those activities, but to instead get to a place where I can feel happy. If I'm not mistaken, that's a pretty strong embodiment of living with toxic shame. Similar to how you described it, the ideas of mastery can be incredibly alluring. For one, the idea of being able to be in the top 1%, 0.1%, or higher in your field is very exciting to think about. Regardless of what is driving you to get to that point, it's very easy to justify an unhealthy work ethic or path by telling yourself that, once you're there and once you have the skills, you're set. You get to reap the benefits of your labors, which can go from values like validation and acceptance to creativity and helping humanity. The second thing is that, it isn't something like a videogame addiction. For every one person that tells you that you don't want to get caught up in blind mastery, there are 100 people telling you to get off videogames. In fact, mastery, achieving flow states, and creating artisan works are seen almost unanimously by society to be a positive thing. That's important for me to say because I'm starting to feel that the ideas of mastery can actually have a negative impact on my life. When I'm not working on my goals, I feel guilty. There's always someone working more than I am toward something. When other opportunities spring up, it's hard to detach from my current goals, because I'm not enjoying much of the work I do to begin with. It's like spending x amount of time and labor for y goal. If I don't even enjoy the work, I'm sacrificing energy for a future ideal. Thus, just quitting would make my work a wasted sacrifice. Finally, not doing work toward a goal created a sense of stagnation, that I'm wasting time toward mastery that I won't get back. All of these factors combined make it easy (in terms of the decision, not the struggle of the work) to just want to work toward a single goal mindlessly, putting every future moment over the present. Like I've said earlier, I have trouble finding things I enjoy. For a while, I would tell myself that if I'm not going to feel happy anyway, I might as well be suffering for a future dream. That became kind of the essence of my entire LP strategy after I couldn't find work that I could enjoy doing. I really like what you're saying here, but I don't know if I completely get it yet. When you say "But of course you can't focus because it is not you...It's not authentic... It's all escape & conditioning." Do you mean to say that, there is something out there that I would enjoy and that I could focus on, if I just let myself be free and stop moralizing about what I should and should not do? I don't let go because inside, I fear many things: For example, I fear that my work ethic will tank. If I'm not there to push myself through the task, I fear that I will not do it at all. Like I said above, I fear losing progress that I worked hard to obtain. I fear letting go of ideals of who I could become.. the list goes on. That doesn't mean that it's justified to keep suppressing everything, though. I like this idea. That even if I lose a lot of structure to my life initially by letting go, I will eventually figure out what it is that I'm meant to do. I need to get rid of the toxic mindset that, when I stop and let go, someone else is getting ahead. It's not so good for my mental health to see everything like a big competition. That's a whole other topic though. I think this is what I really needed to hear, though. I need to focus on being present more than anything else. And yes, I do spend the majority of my time in my head. And the stuff about not being perfectionistic.. I gotta work on that too. I gleaned from all this I should probably focus on figuring out my internal first before putting all my energy into the external.
  10. @Space I don't, to my knowledge. I think I may have gotten a small cavity filled at a young age.. but it's so far back and I don't really remember. Pretty sure I would know if there was metal in there. I do think maybe doing some sort of detox could help, but I'm not too clear on how to proceed with that.
  11. @Rigel Overall, I eat pretty healthy. I've been avoiding gluten for a while now, and I eat protein + vegetables every day, with not a whole lot of carbs. I have three meals a day.
  12. Ever since childhood I've had ADHD. Continually acting out, I was constantly chastised by my parents for my impulsivity and inability to focus. At the time I simultaneously was known as "that weirdo kid" and "the smart kid." As I've learned that many ADHD kids face, I was repeatedly told how much potential I had (inferring that I’m wasting it). Throughout middle and high school I was able to tame my inner spirit of acting out, as I became aware how much I was screwing up my own life by never paying attention, so I was able to force myself to get it together. The main remnant of my ADHD (which, I'll note, I was never diagnosed with for a very long time) was lack of focus. It seems pretty straightforward. You can do concentration practice, and you can meditate. You can find your passion and do things that really excite you. One of these things is sure to tame your inner beast. It's just focus, right? Unfortunately, it was never so easy for me. I really don't like being the victim and relinquishing all hope over my life, so as a precursor to the rest of this, I haven't given up hope. I just need some input. Back to the story. Throughout taking some pretty difficult classes (for an undiagnosed ADHD kid), I found myself studying more than my peers for many assignments and taking school seriously. Doing work was so infuriating, and it still can be. Because even on medication now, I have trouble focusing. It only alleviates the issue. In school, no class would go by where I didn't look at the clock at least 5 times. If you're not familiar with the brain chemistry component of ADHD, people are not hyperactive and unfocused because there is a chemical that causes them to be distracted. Rather, it's a lack of dopamine, which leads to a lack of sustained focus and interest. I've heard theories that this is because back in hunter-gatherer societies, humans couldn't be focused on one thing for too long, otherwise they could be killed by a wild animal. Whatever the cause may be, it makes it so that you don't find an interest in so many things. I can’t “lose yourself" in many activities as many neurotypical people can. Simply "find your passion" is *not* enough to ignite me. I've taken Leo's life purpose course and read books on mastery + LP. I've done meditation and concentration practice, as well as breathing work. I still meditate on a daily basis. I've watched countless videos on YT for how to "find your passion," and I have probably more than 100 google docs journals writing in pure frustration and confusion, not to mention I've tried probably around 10 - 15 activities/hobbies in search of finding that *one* I really enjoyed. I can only imagine the ease with which a neurotypical person can "find their purpose" and just be done. I would do anything to wake up in the morning out of love of one's craft. I've had periods where I would be willing to trade an arm and a leg for a deep passion. I'm so jealous of people who can immerse themselves in activities. When I see someone who goes "I can work for 12+ hours at a time in full immersion because I love what I do." all I can think of is what hells I can put myself through to get there. It's excruciating. Most people probably know the general idea of the concepts presented in Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's "Flow" by now. This is where you become a master in your craft of choice, and get to points where you can just focus for extended periods of bliss. Although I find certain things can be enjoyable, I don’t really have a passion that can get focus/flow states, (sadly) with the exception of videogames: For me, the main thing I've really been able to achieve a flow state in is videogames. It's all I really want to do a lot of the time. Before I even had my personal computer, my parents told me I would try playing some rudimentary games on the ancient preschool computer/device. I don’t know what it is, but I just lose touch with my body, the world, and can lose myself for hours. This is what's known as "hyperfocus" in ADHDers. We can't control what we hyperfocus on. We just do. For me, it's videogames. I become immersed. Apart from that and some really beautiful shows I've seen, nothing can grasp and pull me in the same way. After a long day of confusion, I just want to load up my game and fight against other people. It’s just me and my mouse at that point, and it feels great, except for that nagging feeling in the back of my head that I’m wasting my life and that I’m being lazy again. As for some other things I (sort of) enjoy, there’s story building and creating fictional, intricate worlds, fine visual arts - specifically drawing people and detailed machinery. I always liked the line-making aspect of drawing over the creative aspects of it, though. The repetitive motion and the pursuit of perfection was nice. I’m not super creative. Ever since a young age, I was much more logically inclined (left brain) and I always gravitated toward more puzzle-type logical things. Everyone knew me as being really good at math and a fast thinker. I remember also getting really into deck-building games and I would pore over different combinations for cards for hours. Adding onto that, I also really liked strategy and I remember getting lost in my head with different strategies for the games I played. I liked the aspect of tinkering with arranging different parts into something unique with deckbuilding in particular. Putting things together like that was always fun. That might be the closest I got to enjoying something creative, but I don’t really know how to transfer something like that to an LP. Pure creativity without a purpose to make something of value/something useful (I intellectually know all of this is still subjective) like abstract art or art in general turned me off, and it still does. A reason I was never really able to get into writing/world creation was because no matter how many hard magic systems I built, nothing felt like it had inherent meaning (Again, subjective opinion). I liked making really intricate, detailed things through art, but never really the actual artistic part. There are a few artistic works I've seen that have just really struck me like lightning, but other than that, I haven't really been able to appreciate much art throughout my life. More so than creative, I also enjoyed any sort of competitive activity - I was fiercely competitive and it would engulf me. I liked the skill ladder for any pursuit that I could climb and improve against others. As for my skills, I’m very intuitive. When I was very good at math as a kid, it would be because I knew how all the cogs of the metaphorical machine worked, and I could just intuit the answer. I didn’t really think in words by saying (seven times four means I add seven.. one, two, three, four times), but instead my mind would just jump to the answer. I wouldn’t think in pictures, but I would just feel the way of doing the problem. I’ve pondered the idea of being like a hands-on-craftsman, or, more generally, I like the idea of going into a field where I can tinker and feel my way through things. As I grew up, though, I was taught to solve all problems in words via deductive reasoning, and given the complexity of many problems in school, I often made silly mistakes and, to this day, take longer than most to understand most concepts. Also, I can read people’s emotional states very well. Sometimes I find myself responding to people based on the “vibe” they’re giving off, rather than the words that are coming out of their mouth. I can be very socially attuned to how people react to certain things. I also really enjoy being able to give presentations/talks and teaching information. I remember teaching concepts would always light me up. I can’t really see myself being a teacher, or therapist though. It’s very frustrating because I feel like I have all these strands, yet asked “what do you really want?”, the strands don’t come together to form any cohesive piece. I’m incredibly mercurial, switching from one thing to the next. Nothing really sticks. As for my impact on the world, I care more about quality of impact on more individual scales, rather than widespread, thinned impact. Apart from this, I’m still searching, as I have been for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately for me, I can’t really "hyperfocus" on much of anything else besides games, including many of the activities I listed above. When I have to do something, I can do the activity, and often I do. I force myself, though. I’ve gotten good at doing chores, and unfortunately 95%+ of life feels like one to me. This had led to a lot of neuroses, such as constantly, constantly thinking about the future. I can stay in the present for short periods of time, but there’s little attraction to the present moment for me. I’m an excessive overthinker and I tend to live in my head and doubt myself a lot. I'm a big worrier and perfectionist too, although I'm working on not feeding these thoughts. One skill I’ve obtained from suffering with ADHD for so long is the ability to “just get through it”. Especially on medication, I can force myself through the day, but I rarely enjoy most of the activities. I “get through” this activity, then “get through” this work, and then I “get through” this other thing. It’s not purely a mindset thing, either. I just don’t enjoy so much of life. Always living for the future. The first approach to this problem : Reading a lot about the creative freedoms of mastery and the fulfillment that masters get from improving their craft, I’ve always wanted to master a skill. I read “So Good They Can’t Ignore You” by Cal Newport and "Mastery" by Robert Greene, and I’m starting to think that maybe I need to force and grind my way to mastery. My dad always commented that “You only seem to really like the things that you’re good at.” Perhaps when I’ve reached the top of skill mountain, I can see things from a different vantage point and do what I really enjoy. With implementing strong habits and having friends keeping me accountable, I could pick a domain I’m willing to put in the time for, and grind out the skills necessary. I’m super competitive, so that could help in this quest for developing skill. I know this doesn’t seem too healthy, putting grind over passion, and putting competition over creativity. At this point though, it’s the best strategy I can think of for myself. I have a habit of switching my focuses right away (because again, I find so little things interesting), so perhaps if I could just stay stuck like glue to one skill and put in 2k-5k-10k hours, I’ll be able to enjoy life more. If I make a plan and force myself to stick to it, maybe I would begin to enjoy it along the way. I don’t think keeping the habit or laziness would be the issue if I really decided to go down this road, it’s more so whether I would genuinely want to make this time commitment. The second approach I could take is to just keep looking. To find something that really gets me on fire, that one thing I can laser-focus on and I can keep coming back to by being pulled, rather than pushing myself. (everything right now is me pushing myself). This would be nice. It feels like I’ve exhausted so many options, though. TL DR Is it a pitfall to make a synthetic LP through just getting skilled at one thing until I can appreciate that thing at a deeper level and attain deeper levels of focus? Or should I keep searching for something that really draws me in? I have bad ADHD and cannot find enjoyment in many activities the “normal” way. Thank you for sticking with me through the long read. I’d be grateful for any advice.