RMQualtrough

That's what I meant actually, The Egg stuff seems off to me. Leo also seems off to me when he seems to imply "subjective Solipsism". I don't know how such an insight happens. It wasn't something he got from vaping 5-MeO-DMT, which is why he went down this rabbithole at the start ("Leo becomes infinity")... I don't think he ever recaptured that. And I never recaptured the single DMT acid trip that I reacted to similarly.......

That doesn't seem right...

It's called "being a crazy person". I'm already totally isolated. I'd gladly be all alone and just end this, then make a new fantasy living in the Bob's Burgers cartoon........ This world is boring me.

Isn't the "reconceptualization" too alien, dude. The idea of other lives etc doesn't even occur, because other lives means something different at that point. I begged my friend to answer "are you me?" as I was high on DMT. The existence or nonexistence of an internal experience on his end, for some reason, was entirely irrelevant to this question. I don't know why. That has always been the case on psychedelic breakthroughs, which have not matched your first 5-MeO-DMT trip, but serious enough to change my entire worldview. In those states, the thoughts about whether people were all essentially NPCs did not exist. It was entirely irrelevant.

Very small family. Dead. Grandpa left, he's 83. I'm not even 30 yet... Zero interest in a relationship. Don't like making friends. Even with fam I always had a lot of alone time... There's a chance I spend over half of my life literally completely isolated. I wonder what that will be like? Once I pass the midway mark, I wonder... Coz I mark my time by when my mom died, and that's now over half my life away... I plan to own a cat or two...

Finitude appearing within and consisting of the only unlimited existence there is....... What an oddity.

I copy paste this without edit. I had no idea prior to this what "nonduality" was, and had no religious inclination whatsoever. This is exactly as I recorded it and attempted to interpret it without the aid of ANY knowledge gleamed from researching nondual tradition. I found such tradition via searching "monism" after the fact. This was vaped n,n-DMT on the peak of 500ug of acid. --- BLAST OFF It was on my second inhale of DMT using my Mighty vape that it hit the fan. I closed my eyes and experienced a complete out of body trip to heaven with visuals... full color visuals, intricate and detailed. To walk through from the beginning, first of all imagine you are a Matryoshka doll (those Russian doll things). The innermost doll. Well what happened was, my human vessel which was this innermost doll was left down below and I was launched/sucked away from myself and upwards. And as I kept going up it was like outer shells of dolls were shattering as I broke into higher and higher realms of reality. Like going from the smallest doll in the set to the biggest all-encompassing doll. Rather than a tunnel of light going towards heaven, it was more like I was being sucked up from my human self into heaven - I was watching my lower-level-consciousness-selves as I was propelled higher and higher up. The visuals were very vivid and intense, but difficult to explain... It was like I had a collar around my vessel (whatever was being launched up into these planes of reality), and the patterning was on this collar, like perhaps yellow vibrant squares for example (but these weren't just random shapes on the back of my eyelids, these were like, fully lucid visions of an alternate dimension) - and I was being sucked upwards through the middle into higher realms of reality and I'd go up through these layers of visions higher and higher. Until I reached the ultimate reality. I reached heaven. It was not heaven in the sense that it felt blissful or anything. That's the thing, it didn't feel anything, it just WAS. But it was heaven in the sense of being the ultimate reality. When every layer is peeled off that's what's left. I was in heaven. I have visited heaven. I saw spacetime itself form shape: Outside the boundaries of what I was seeing was void - colorless nonexistence. I had wondered what possible layer deeper I could have possibly gone except by dying; but then I realized that dying would not do it - because non-existence does not exist, and it's not possible for anything that exists to NOT exist... "I" or "you" may """die""" (quote unquote) but we will never get to not exist, we will *ALWAYS* exist... I can see where people get ideas about reincarnation... A tree can sprout many leaves - we are the tree... We as in "you" or "I" might THINK we're the leaf, but that's just an illusion, a subsection of the whole which is the tree that we ACTUALLY are. We are all existence, anything that has existed cannot ever NOT exist because non-existence does not exist. WE are existence. WE are spacetime. WE are eternal. WE are all there ever was and all there ever will be; always "were" and always "will be". The alpha and omega. We are unstoppable because we are existence itself. WE are EVERYTHING. ... I also did speak to a divine being or something of that nature but my recollection of that is incredibly scant. I think between my visions through heaven I opened my eyes and spoke to the deity and asked what it wants me to do (I think?) and if it wants me to bring back the experience and tell other people, something along those lines. I don't remember the specifics but definitely something along those lines happened... I saw a large female deity's face across my ceiling briefly, I recall. But the "divine being" did not feel more powerful than me, us, you, WE... That was part of the thing - that everything was one and the same, everything in existence was one. Nothing exists but existence itself. Whatever this presence was, was simply a manifestation of a part of US that was helping facilitate my journey... I in fact felt like I had gone even further *beyond* the realm where this presence existed. Using the tree sprouting leaves analogy, perhaps these presences are like the branches. One step above us "leaves" but a step below the ultimate reality of the tree. I feel like I reached and reunited with the tree. I consider this to be a legitimate religious experience, along the lines of Buddhist/Monistic belief (I never had any religious belief prior to psychedelic use). This was not getting "high" this was literally a religious experience, a deeply earth-shattering spiritual/religious experience. --- Everything that I write since, and everything I have searched for and researched, is due to this trip. Which I now cannot recall experientially aside from perhaps a miniscule memory of visuals, which is also just a vague fascimile. I have never reached that state of being ever again, albeit other trips after were still "enlightening" when not just random alien rave scenes or panic attacks. I never came back from that trip... I've been trying to make sense of it since.

When you are a leaf on a tree, you might wonder "why am I just this finite leaf, everyone says I'm a tree!" It's a strong perspective shift that allows you to recognize you are the tree. Nothing is the only thing without boundary anywhere. All things are finite as all things have boundaries. Even infinite sets are bounded. Nothing ought to be there in the background.

It's a problem... I don't think our digestive systems evolved correctly. Animals are nowhere near as bad with digestive issues. P.S. Horses have self-cleaning asses. You have now learned another useless fact.

They don't work. I quit meds because I thought psychedelics cured me. I became unwell again after about 6 months, so now back on medicine... There is a visceral type of fear reaction, which people probably find hard to imagine, where seeing a person for someone with SAD is like an arachnophobe seeing a spider. But socializing is forced in life, spiders aren't in your face 24/7. OP mentioned SSRIs. I found Zoloft to be useful specifically. Not the others.

Turn up at random weddings and object. Do vodka shots into your eyes. Go to the hospital due to the vodka in your eyes. Shoot people in the ass with a paintball gun from your car. Perfect a foreign accent. Build a relationship with a woman using only that foreign accent, and a totally fake backstory of your life. Randomly start using your real voice. Claim you were possessed by demons. Sit on the very outskirts of your restraining order. Walk the streets at night dressed in Victorian suits. Collect cats. Purposefully gain a reputation as the local lunatic. --- No realistic option is enjoyable. It's all garbage. Donate to a charity you care about and stare at the walls all day.

175C I believe. The thing about 2020 is that lockdown made people introspect more...

@Kksd74628 I don't think Leo tells people to use drugs just for the fun of it, if he could just speak a few words and people are gonna "awaken" I think he'd do that instead. I've never replicated anything near the shift in perception from the drug trip which is the cause of me even being here. And I used strong psychedelics a lot... I have some foundation to reflect on, I recorded most all of my own experiences. I don't think you can hear words and be shifted like that or even know what that shift is like. I don't myself really recall that shift now. I had to stop using psychedelics after developing legit actual PTSD from them, so I'm now far removed from the direct experience. Some elements stick, and can't really be denied or forgotten. It's important to have that, so you can relate your own experience to what a book or guru says, and know if it is legit or bullshit... The main benefit of videos and books is that they can help you to better understand in rational human language what you yourself experienced.

This in particular annoys me. "Oh Leo I watched you talk about God and I awoke to the fact I'm absolute Love and Truth!" I've always been annoyed by blind following... I don't see why people like that don't just pick up a copy of the Bible. You'd get community with church at least... Maybe get to attend some of their fates and raffles... Maybe get to eat some of the cakes the olds make and win yourself a bottle of cheap wine...

I'm 29 and have AvPD since around 15. The only thing that really helps is medicine. I'm on Zoloft, I was on 200mg. I'm taking 150mg rn. I can't really find the "perfect dose", it's tricky to tell the difference and you try to take the least you need. But yeah... It allows me to be a lot more functional even if I don't ENJOY the interactions or social contact. It prevents hyperventilating and panic etc. Sometimes when I get really buff and lean I'm a bit more confident also. But usually that coincides with being on steroids, and they affect mood somewhat, so could just be that in addition. You're not going to get good advice from anyone who has not had real, medically diagnosed tier anxiety disorders.

I can summon really psychedelic imagery thanks to having used so much. I can't usually make it very clear as such, but it's kinda neat. Still bores me lmao...

Check this shit out homie. You created this scene just by observing it... Good promenade for thinking n stuff...

Boredom posting, sitting in a cafè. I look around me right now. Leo has a fetish for coffee tables but here's the closest I can find. If you're a materialist reading this, that is fine too. You see that the table is made of wood... And deeper, atoms, you get the idea. But the actual image as you know is a visual phenomenon. So in your material view, light bounces into my eyes from the atoms and such. But it is from there that this image, the representation, is created. That is what we are looking at obviously. Your mind is always creating stuff... You can't actually stop it from creating, since experience is all you can know and experience is always subjective, which involves creation of some representation of an "object"... If there are no objects, you do not experience anything at all. When you do not experience anything at all, there is not even black... Well that's it for now. I suppose I will walk back along the promenade to my car. Go home and, hm... Gordon Ramsay on YouTube perhaps? Yeah... And aircon. That'll be nice.

NOWHERE NOWHERE NOWHERE NOWHERE And I don't mean the town Courage the Cowardly Dog lives in. Pretty neat huh? And easy to prove to your scientific buddies, which will give them a bit of a fright.

Maybe this is why people got into meditation all those years ago, there's fuck all else to do with a day. Imagine being able to literally just sit for like 8 hours. Refreshing forums is pain....... Maybe I'll read Animal Farm.

Yeah, it's clearly psychotic behavior. Lmao...

@Breakingthewall Yup that's correct, I've had Avoidant PD since I was 14. I'm 29 now. Medication allows me to function in social situations just fine. It's a big thing for me to be able to function well, since I used to have panic attacks and hyperventilate just walking into a building with a reception desk. Now ofc I can go shopping, order food/drink, ask staff for help finding stuff... But I never actually "enjoy" socializing for too long. I can feel good about brief interactions, but knowing someone is very stressful. I've tried having friends, I honestly don't enjoy it for the most part. I feel under a lot of pressure. I'm thinking of getting a cat for sure... But right now as said, I have my grandad, so I have one person who's there and I can see etc.

Good point yeah, that does cause "FOMO". I do think everyone needs at least ONE companion though. At least ONE relative or friend. I've never had literally NOBODY, so I'm nervous how it will be.

It is conflicted... I don't like relationships or friendships much, but TOTAL isolation is perhaps different, and especially when it extends out over half of your lifetime. I'm just not really sure how I'll handle it. My grandpa is still alive rn, and I spend most of my time alone but I know he's THERE so it's different, and I love my grandad. I don't really have any thoughts either way. I just worry I might handle it badly.

At one time, "WE ARE UNSTOPPABLE BECAUSE WE ARE EXISTENCE ITSELF." but that trip was in 2020, can't tap in anymore. That was awesome though... I am no more important than a single grain of sand, yet no less important than the entire f'in galaxy. I am existence itself. WE are the alpha and omega. WE are unstoppable. WE are existence itself.