Cathal

hmm can you elaborate on the 'But this will be useless if you won't heal your wounds first because you will still continue to have fear/anger/emotional reactions out of those social interactions.'? i had thought to myself that by even, with the intense fear of vunreability and al that shit that if I can get into social interaction this is the way to heal the wounds, that perhaps if i keep doing it it won't be so intense or something, how to do it to yourself without going into more social interaction?

i think if you were approaching this with the right understanding you wouldn't be still trying to stop fear. you're still expecting it to dissapear, you are impatient because you think it should have left by now with all this work you've done, but you still haven't surrendered fully to it yet just keep surrendering to it, keep doing right action

@SLuxy yeah i have had realized a lot of shit, i think that's a good idea to do some work that involves people but not directly, or going to an artificial environment solely for the purpose of talking to people but like an activity with others, actually good idea did i mention i am living in a country where i don't speak the fucking language ? lol anyways, yeah, just going to slip into probably what is comfortable but not too comfortable, i guess my impatience is playing up here for change but yeah i think i can start small, probably stick to online groups till i can find some english speakers thanks guys

@Roy yeah i have been away from group social interactions for a long time, so basically i would say my default perception of people is highly based on that period of time in which i was bullied hard and being sidelined for years, my own family kind of rejecting me and so on so basically it's a very hypervigilant awareness that is really hard to calm down, i can never really enjoy or get into a group when i look like a schizo maniac so yeah, i can reframe other people in my mind it's just i wonder if going into a group with less awareness of judgments and more likely to project will it futher traumatize the ego? because essentially what i have been doing is working as much on myself as possible but i feel i'm closing in on a point i need to come back into the world and feel present with others but yeah, i'm a bit anxious about well if i just get rejected again will it be endless negativity all over again or what is it i need to do to calm down this messed up kid inside me

the feeling of powerlessness is terrifying, like physically. if we sit here and think about what that means most of us can't relate consciously because the feeling itself is very very traumatizing it usually gets suppressed at the very moment it surfaces, so i would just say you need to keep working on going back to the event until there's no 'charge' behind the trauma and process it more and more when you can get into those safe places with a therapist or whoever and also start reframing why it is you felt powerless and unable to deal with the situation yourself because i can see in your inability to accept what happened you are dealing with some shame that you couldn't handle this situation yourself because you froze up. i think this shame is the key to letting go. was this the first time something traumatic happened and you were completely powerless?

and when this feeling comes up when you meet a girl or whenever it does just realize this is nothing to do with the girl and it's not your fault, it's very important to see that because you may project onto someone eventually or put yourself down because you blame yourself for feeling it but if you see it for what it is it's not anyones fault, there is no one to blame. but you do have to learn how to accept forgive and let go of that weight you're carrying because you just did not understand, you were powerless in the way you were conditioned you only have to see you're responsible for carrying it right now and having the awareness not to identify with it when you meet girls as 'my pain, my suffering, my feeling, what is and why won't it go away' its just there. it is just there, so when it comes up let it come up and be there and see other people are just shining a light on it but it's nothing to do with the peson. it's just a trauma that hasn't been let go because it is extremely painful not to be loved when you need tobe loved as a children and when we grow up we completely forget how painful it was.

yeah this is just one of these conditioned things you have to work on man because the thing is you will always unconsciously seek to have this need met that your mother didn't provide you because sounds like she was raised this way. she thinks is normal and doesn't have the awareness to see it as it is and she tried her best with you but since she was conditioned to be like this you also, if you want to think about it like this and how thich naht hahn refers to it as 'you are carrying her pain inside of you' it's like a generational trauma you inherited, like the colour of eyes - this pain is like your mother, the pain she probably has to deal with for most of her life. but now you, the next person of your parents, need to workout your parents trash they pushed on you - if that makes sense, you are not really an individual identity like you think more so a big enmeshment of conditioning that creates this identity, you'll likely spend your life working on letting it go like most of us here are. so do yourself a favour and get a therapist because you'll spend the next several years of your life in deep fear that this girls you meet will abandon you over and over again so you an actually have a real relationship because these aren't relationships, you are seeking to fulfill a deep wound in yourself. it's a good time to look into the inner child stuff, i have been working on it for the past 3 years and i've had some seriously deep cathartic realeses and connections to that part of me, it's the real deal and there's a looot of material to look into. the therapist can act like a mirror for the inner child to express its pain. its way more effective in my experience to do this than by yourself, because you can definitely get to a point alone but it's really so much better to do it with a person anyways that's just my thoughts good luck with that stuff bro

@InterruptReQuest because they are repressed, an action needs to occur and not thinking. you won't find any of that shit thinking about it because in this mode even thinking about your worst traumas it doesn't really work. don't try to dissect the feeling and make sense of it, it's much easier if you find routes of actions that can surface up emotions. really a good therapist is the easiest way to penetrating this feeling of numbness, psychedelics are the easiest way if you're going solo, not meeting the infinite buddha 5 dried grams but low doses and brutal honesty and compassion for yourself. they are tools to shed awareness on things you can learn to work on and eventually get to a point you may not need any drugs or therapy. what kind of breathwork? i would recommend trying a free class on https://breathworkonline.com/try-a-free-online-breathwork-session/ and seeing how it goes

Have you been abandoned before? What is the relationship like with your parents? Dig deep, after you ask that then explain also what your parents relationship with each other like? If nothing comes up, then parents with family. It's just beaming out to me, so it's best you try to write straight from heart when talking about your parents because I have been through this almost word for word.

try a strong determination sitting for like 1 hour 30 mins and don't resist anything, you'll see for yourself you just neglect the uncomfortable emotions, you'll get really impatient and frustrated which can be gateways into some of the walled of trash. there's a lot of reasons why you might go emotionally numb or what they call experiencing anhedonia, but in my experience even as I write this I've found it's just the reason the floodgates aren't opening is because you have heavy resistance to the underlying emotions you're currently deal with and since you can feel those underlying things they seem so distant and unreachable yet trust me they are reachable, they just need a kind of object/focus/method to surface them up for processing. could be a therapist, could be breathwork, could be as I said strong determination sitting, could be psychedelics, could be acupuncture or all sorts of shit who knows, explore them all. it's a bad rut to get into

@Thought Art To me this looks like a lot of shit is surfacing up. In time you'll look back and be glad you failed so all this shit surfaced up and thank yourself for developing the awareness to see it all as it really is. <3

yo man, it's totally your choice what you want to do, but do you think ending it will really set you free? this is it. life is it, you are going nowhere, this desperate need for relief and freedom will not be satisfied. right now you're in hell, you know heaven is possible. you will not go anywhere, you will not find that freedom and love by just ending it, you just need more help, more work, more ease, take it easy. go do drugs if it helps, do anything. there is no right or wrong here, do whatever helps you. seriously. but at the end of the day, you're just reading this. you've been creating all of this yourself, you're reading this in your mind. and so too all that trash is being imagined by YOU. You hold all of the weight to everything through your attachments but yes it can feel sometimes the weight is to much and we need to exit this life, you need to just ride this wave out and take it easy, reach out a little more. Do a little more self-care, a little more of everything slowly step by step. After taking some small steps the next is a good therapist, someone you really can trust and explore with safely, and start purging all that weight out of you. You want a big explosion of freedom because it's unbearable, but if you just be with it a little longer you'll see it slowly very slowly begins to relieve itself and you'll have more energy to love yourself and it keeps building up.. it's just slow. And we're impatient as fuck. But hey, it is your choice... I don't think it's wrong or right, it's just dumb, it's not going to give you what you want so why would you do it? it's just you have been neglecting the stuff you need to workout, you might have had a bad deal in this life but that is no excuse not to work on it. now your mind has become your enemy, it wants out. because you're not paying enought attention to it. that's all. take it easy man <3

wow man. i hope you really take it easy, like really easy. take care of yourself fully... i'm sure after the legal stuff has slowed down or went away, the thoughts will probably begin to lessen much more. i'm also dealing with some ptsd after some mania behaviour. flashbacks, waves of anxiety, rumination of changing, it's pretty intense. the best i can do is just dont resist any of it and just trust with time and not getting identified with all the shit in my head that it too will pass and slowly dissipate. don't expect anyday it will just go poof, you survived a fatal accident and your mind is making sure not go through that again, it sucks to be on the recieving end but it will pass <3 perhaps some learning about the techniques of somatic experiencing will help, just feeling always into the present, all the sights and sensations when you're getting a little dissociated from the present moment and being pulled back into the flashback of the accident, keep practicing and over time it will definitely add to the recovery off having to deal with flashbacks.

@Brandon Nankivell probably make some kind of social media, honestly feel like i can contribute quite a bit. i just mmm i've spent hours thinking what do other people with mental problems need, how can i or what can i create to attract awareness. i'd like to make vids too, i'm just working on myself a lot. i want to be sure what i do worked for me and not just spreading shit because it makes sense

I just no matter what state i'm in really want to help people. Its just I am a pretty unstable person in terms of my life, I have a lot of unresolved things in my past that I work on but I'm kind of just in a situation where I do absolutely nothing anymore except make money to survive, I struggle a lot with trying to change this, like actually change it because the energy to do anything barely flickers. But I really want to change, I know it's possible to have a different life. I just have NO idea what I can given I have no resources or degrees, i'm a 24 y/o guy. I really don't give a shit what it is i'm doing as long as it's helping other people suffer less. Where do you think I could start? I know it's a little vague but i'm a bit clueless, I feel unsatisfied a lot with writing to people one on one and feel like I could help more people. Ty

The first time I started meditation I came across metta, it was forgiveness. I remember a warm stinging pain arising in my chest, it's still here. I felt unloved my whole life, still have a lot of grief about that shit. Working on it though, it's really really slow. Good luck opening your heart man, lots of closed off hearts around. This was the metta thing btw

@Marcel thanks, yeah i think i'm going to just take action regardless how i feel... it's a bit crippling but hey, just want to figure out what action i should take

i had an amazing experience with breathwork holotropic breathing 1 hour. they call it nuerodynamic because the original holotropic breathwork was designed to be 3 hours long. it can also be called shamanic breathing, the actual technique. of course just like psychedelics for example the setting is important, so being in a group or whatever can alter the experience in my opinion. infact being in a group setting doing this surfaced the abandonment of the pain of alienation from the community i was raised in. breathworkonline.com i think u can do a free class once

I think I really need to learn how to make a friend at this point, or someone that I can build any type of relationship, friendship, anything. I'm 24 now It's really hitting me during this spiritual work, that I need to at least bring these boundaries (such as not trusting, sceptisism, pain, abandonment) to surface and I really need the mirror to do this. It's extremely hard to do alone. My lack of compassion is really killing me at this point, my day to day is unbearable. Like I have never had one in my life, not really a friend. I had no one to lean back on/talk about during being in my abusive household growing up, getting bullied by 20+ people. Idk man, I have no idea how to deal with this shit. I have a therapist but it's like, not a friend. We surface stuff up but it's like maybe once a month it's not enough. I'm like a very emotional sensitive guy who has a lot of compassion, like an odd amount. I care about everything but I can't feel it anymore, it's like my soul was crushed by the world. How do I make friends? Where do I look for people? Every time I looked I never found anyone. Idk how to do it

Hey my first real suicide attempt was actually doing shrooms I had before a few times but it wasn't all the way like shrooms. I sat in a puddle of blood in utter bliss knowing it's all over truly and I had latched onto thoughts of my mother and me when I was a child. I really learned my lesson when I got up and realized I wasn't going to die, I just sat still for a long time. I calmed down and contemplated what the actual fuuuck happened. Basically man it's like understanding you can choose to surrender or to resist, that's all it is. I know it's sooo simple to say this but it's really just having the awareness that with certain waves of feeling (although in the present moment of being in that state it can feel unbearable) it's actually mostly the resistance causing your freakout because you're still clinging onto your model of reality. Just surrender yourself into whatever happens, make a vow. Practice laying down and meditate by surrendering to everything whatever it is you're feeling no matter how horrible, just sink into it. Like stick your face into it and be with it, you'll see you can become meditative like this and have a lot more confidence knowing you won't get caught up in the trip and make it hell for yourself. But I must say I have built a lot of confidence by the traditional stuff rather than the insanely high states of consciousness psychedelics can put you in, I have spent a looooooot of time reading watching and thinking, practicing the more traditional stuff from buddhism, yogic practices etc and the ratio of traditional layed out brick by brick stuff that's all out there right now to doing psychedelics imo should be like 10:1 So I think if you're doing fuck all inbetween your trips to resolve stuff you will constantly be in that terror of not trusting yourself to let go fully.

to forgive people that abused me, and myself for allowing it to shape me the way it did. to work on surfacing and letting go of holding onto that hate, the struggle is the resistance to forgiveness. there so much stuff there that i've been ignoring my whole life, now that i know i can't run from it i just sit with it.. unbearable but we press on, all of us, we know what we really want in this life

@mandyjw "Sometimes if we're too fixated on the lack of the close deeper relationship we miss the beauty in casual interactions, and it's always from these that deeper connections form." yeah this is very much true, i find it so hard to appreciate casual things you know? i have lacked connection, i really never knew it or experienced it my whole life but i feel the lack as if something was never right, it's definitely just the way my parents raised me and the fucked up family i was in, so i always as i see it now was very unconsciously driven to find deep connection but i never did. so i think actually i probs just dismissed most connections that were inbetween nothing and everything, or casual stuff. still, the longing is actually a part of disconnecting from my self really. do you think a person must work on themselves to a point? i don't know i hesitate to say i feel this isn't so normal, to have this much pressure. even the thought of just hanging out with strangers makes me tremor like what the fuk, it cripples me. the anxiety is just like holy shit, the amount of things i need to let go of being bullied so much. i think perhaps i need to work on myself more ( and that bullying stuff) but i can't figure out if that's a copout or the truth of it

@asifarahim it's like.. hmm, the loneliness i cannot consciously feel it's more like.. the behaviors developed now, that i isolated myself when in social situations i tend to tremor a lot, shake a lot, sweat stuff like that then reaaaally puts me off from putting myself out their. but i just KNOW i have to just do this, some way somehow it's like my body just goes into freeze expecting to be abused so it's really like fucking hell quite the resistance to what i'm trying to do man, i can't change it. it's really autonomous i can meet girls and be comfortable but it's usually using dating apps and shit, it's much much harder for me to meet strangers that are meeting for the sake of just hanging out, that thought cripples me i'm actually terrified of meeting such people because i feel like after so many years of wearing a mask (and the as i said physiological consquences of that) whenever i showed my true side i would condemned cause it's a bit eccentric you know? especially in the town i grew up holy fuk. thanks, yeah. well i'm pretty determined to open up to someone but i guess i still have a lot of work to do with the fear of not being understood, i wonder will it further add to the trauma. maybe some more work on myself as a whole will help pull the weight of off making friends and physically going to places with them instead of the comfort of the internet

@Goldzilla how to ditch the old when it feels like no matter what you do it doesn't stop clinging, attachment? that's how i describe my dark night, it just wont fuck off the attachment is so intense i feel like it will take a long ttime to heal.. a long shoot me with ak47

hey tim, actually the first time i did mushrooms i also tried to kill myself, i had absolutely no fucking idea what spirituality meant what psychedelics were and basically the first wave of terror i got totally lost in trains of thought and fully immersed in suicidal fantasy and still have big marks on my wrist and neck because i also feel like i haven't been here in years. for me, it's dissociation basically. i also was prescribed ssris, snris, mood stabalizers, anti-psychotics, i went manic, i went numb to unbearable points wondering why the fuck is existing this painful? a total inability to experience connecting to anything, it can be the most cruel feeling on the planet. for me it was a lot of neglecting myself being raised the way i was and right now trying to let go of all the attachments i developed of the years. so including visiting professionals and institutes perhaps you could find yourself a real healer, someone who has been through a lot of suffering and found themselves giving back with sincerity. letting yourself trust them, building a relationship and opening up to your armoured traumas that need work. parenting yourself so to say, building a healthy ego so you can transcend it, that's what i believe from my experience, the sick voice in our head cannot be fixed through sitting still for several weeks even with great understanding, it needs proper healing. because that's just the world we're born into, we need deep real healing to cope with how backwards we went. you're not broken and i don't think anti-depressants will really fix the doing the work on the boundaries of your mind. microdosing psychedelics will dissolve the boundaries and give you a little freedom for a while, but i hope you don't neglect the amount of work you need to realize you must do on yourself and the time involved, i'm still having trouble accepting just how much work needs to be done. you really cannot step one baby step in front of yourself, you just break and return to baseline. baseline is your start and end, it all happens right now. sorry i don't have microdosing advice but good luck.