Vzdoh

My BF had very traumatic experience and on an enneagram test he scored the lowest in the feeling center. Like his feeling center is super miniscule. How to help him to feel more? This should help as well with him being more intimate with himself and as a result, with me I think.

Yeah! I have a suspicion that this is indeed the case. Afraid to stay with himself without needing to do anything, just being. Yes. High responsibility job. Reports directly to a CEO of a multi billion dollar company and directly responsible for peoples lives on many factory building projects he runs across Asia. And let's put it this way, his company's track record in safety standards and number of people dying from work related accidents is not insignificant ???

???????????? Oh good! I am not the only one who thought oh shit! The dude does not feel anything and self justifies to himself that this is OK ???

I am struggling with SIBO for a few years now. Tried a lot of things. Natural antimicrobials didn't do a thing for me. Like I never took them ever! Tried low carb - only reduced symptoms. Tried KETO, also didn't work. Next up - did microbiom test and found out exactly which bacteria are overgrowing and researched penicillin group of antimicrobials against each strain. Decided to take all of them at once in conjunction with a 7 day fast. - I saw on a Russian fasting guru youtube video that 7 days fast with enema, magnesium sulphate and warm bag to your pancreas and special exercise for tummy called the frog - all in combo - destroys bad bacteria protective film. Hope can kill off the motherf***kers this time! ? After that clean diet with a lot of good quality pre pro biotics and symbiotics - products of good bacteria. Will report back if helps.

I am yellow ??? Hello!

That's not a particularly helpful or considerate comment, especially coming from a moderator. Very disappointed. ??? What do u mean about the real step beyond? Would be good to have clear language. Not some vague pronunciations. Cause its not helpful. I am not looking to him to be satisfied in all aspects of my life. This is an absurd generalisation. I take care of my needs on my own. But I do need to feel intimacy in a relationship, otherwise what's the meaning of a relationship? If he was not looking, he would have continued working hard and avoided any meaningful relationship with anyone. So he is trying hard based on all the effort he makes. If your comment is spitful and lacks insight and directed to mock instead of help, why make it? And how on earth you became a moderator with such attitude? ?

OK. Valid point. Does anything that I have expressed so far in this post about my needs that I am looking to get met in a relationship sound unhealthy to you? For the record, I am not actively fearful of a lack of intimacy in a relationship. I simply notice it if it happens and then decide if I am ok with it? How do I feel about it? How important that need for me on a scale from 1 to 10 and if it is 10/10 and intimacy does not improve after conversations and communication with the partner, I simply leave the relationship. I have an abundance mindset. There are guys who combine both EQ and IQ, it's just a matter of meeting them.

Why would I not want to have my needs met in a relationship? Why would I be in a relationship where my needs are not met on a continuous basis? Is it OK for u to be in such a relationship? Why do u stay in such a relationship when u feel deeply unfulfilled?

Yes. They have chapters in major countries but I recommend to do it either in your mother language or in the USA where the process was born more than 50 years ago. To understand what happens at the process u can buy a book called Hoffman Proccess on Amazon. Com Its not cheap. About 5K for 7 days residential retreat but if u ask me, it was the best investment of my life and I invest money professionally ???

Heh? R u joking or is it a serious statement?

I am thinking about suggesting seeing a therapist. I even know one who speaks German and specialises in addictions. But the question is if he can find time to do it. He is very bad at taking care of himself. Only maybe if I go to the sessions with him maybe? As for his passions, he is an engineer at heart and enjoys making things work and innovation/imorovement in technology to make things work better. So I actually tried talking to him about it and he felt quite motivated. But I think I need to keep reminding him about it as an option. He even started the process of creating his own company where he would be advising on technological innovation and consulting/selling new technology methods. Will encourage him more to look into this. ❤️

Deep connection to anyone is impossible without emotional intimacy. And a man who lacks that ability - ability to be emotionally intimate in a relationship - is not attractive to me at all. It's complete BS in my view that women are attracted to men who lack intimacy building skills. Women who are healthy psychologically, want intimacy with their partner. And if the guy lacks in that department, he will most likely be in a relationship with an unhealthy co dependent female. I believe that I am quite healthy and its been a long time since I chased emotionally unavailable men. Now I get immediately turned off by them and lose interest. A truly healthy man is the one who integrated feminine part into himself and emotionally available and able to be emotionally intimate with his woman. If it's not the case, I am out.

Oh, no problem! We are bound to make assumptions Yeah! That's what I am mulling over - how to craft this convo from the place of genuine care for him and with love and empathy, but yet be crystal clear on what my needs are in the relationship and how some parts are not working for me at the moment. Tricky business! :))) I think he is relatively aware cause he is quite mature and went through a lot relationship-wise. He told me about this absolutely traumatizing story of how at age 25 he got a girl pregnant and he didn't see anything long-term with her, but she nonetheless decided to keep the baby. And then how the entire drama of that unfolded - with her trying to manipulate him into committing to her - i.e. getting married - he never married her - but out of a high sense of responsibility he took care of her and the child and tried to make things work so that he can have access to his son as she took it out on him with basic child availability manipulation tactics. There is part of his fault most likely in this too as he avoids talking about difficult subjects that can upset other people, most likely if he was super upfront with her about his lack of intention to marry her ever and not seeing her as a life partner but letting her know that he will support the child regardless. Maybe she wouldn't be that triggered. His behavior probably confused the shit out of her I reckon - that partially explains abusive and aggressive behavior towards him in my mind. The struggle I am in is from one side it seems like he is aware, but at the same time, he continues doing what he knows is bad for him. So maybe it's like mind/logical level realization, but not heart/feelings deeper level realization. And I wonder how to support him with getting to that deeper feeling level of realizing what he does to himself? And if I can be helpful at this at all? He likes me a lot, so I can try to get him to spend time with me doing self-care stuff and sports which he enjoys, and try organizing this time for him on a consistent basis for him to realize after a while that he enjoys this time and would love to experience more of it. It's like if he drops work, there is gonna be avoid, right? And I want to slowly perhaps fill in the traditional weekend rest time with something meaningful, so he does not feel that void, but a positive switch instead. What do you think?

You are reading too much into the title. I do believe that all addicts are addicts because they are running from a deep fear of being vulnerable, authentic, void of the meaning of life, lack of intimacy in relationships etc. I did not mean that he does that on purpose. He is not a malicious type of guy. That's why I am not angry at him for this, I am just truly sad....He is unaware of what he is doing to himself. First step is to become more aware and realise WHY? he makes himself work so much? what needs he is meeting this way? I value him a lot, that's why this post. If I didn't I would simply have already moved on. I have plenty of options with guys. But I do not want to simply sit and wait when he figures this out on his own, because awareness can hit him in 5-10-15 years from now or never at all! And I would waste my life in an unfulfilling relationship, waiting for a miracle to happen. That's what majority of women do - they hope the guy will change. I outright go in with the assumption that he probably won't, unless he becomes more aware of whats going on and how it truly impacts him and his relationships. He was working quite hard as well when we met but he carved out time out of his "me" time to see me twice a week. Now it kinda shifted, especially after the situation with my mom's crisis and when I told him I loved him. Maybe he thinks that he won me over or something and can now go back to his previous routine of working non-stop and relationship will take care of itself since I love him anyways. Not sure really the thinking process behind this and why this changed. But I suspect - pure intuition - that he felt a bit too much intimacy and got scared of it. Hard to judge. Will need to talk to him about it.

At least twice a week, I don't think he can do more than that even if he tries. That's why I was thinking about cohabitation because then physical closeness would be no issue. My love languages are physical touch - 40% and acts of service - 30%. He does a lot of stuff for me, so meeting my need in acts of service department fully, but lacking in physical touch big time and this is my primary love language. That's why I feel unfulfilled and disconnected.

I was thinking in the same line of thought. But the trouble is I will then have to be in an unfulfilling relationship for the next 1-2 months, waiting patiently until one day in the future it becomes better. That's a miserable way to be in a relationship. I don't think it will change. At least I highly doubt it. He has been always working weekends and late nights. Just in the beginning of the relationship, he was carving out time for me twice a week, but that was mostly at the expense of his "me" time. That's why I felt really bad about it. So kinda doubt wait and see strategy is a good one.

You are funny! Read up materials on addictions. They are always a way to escape reality and deep connection and intimacy. That's why they are compulsive and very hard to stop. Every addict has a deep-rooted fear of being intimate and truly vulnerable in close relationships and addictions are how addicts escape that fear. Yeah, I know communication is the key. I will talk to him about it and how it makes me feel.

Yes. There is definitely an underlying deep motivation behind working so hard. He is already quite successful and has quite a bit of savings to even stop working now and retire already. Yet, he is exhausting himself with work. I genuinely care about him and don't want him to be in this workaholism pattern for another 10+ years when he gets to 60 and realizes that he is all alone, his parents died and he has nobody in his life to share it with. I am very sad and upset about how he works himself into the ground. :(((( How do I support the house of cards? And why do you think I am not putting myself into his shoes? Why do you think I am doing exactly the same thing? In my life, I had a period where I prioritized work, not me and my life and simply enjoying being. I have changed significantly since then. And although I think financial freedom and success are important, for me its not the priority in life anymore. I lead a balanced lifestyle right now. I work, but I have flexible hours and dedicate a lot of time to exercise, meditation, self-actualization, social life, and overall growth. He always says he envies that I can go for a swim in the middle of the day or I spend my weekends engaging in sports and social activities because he chooses to work over the weekend. So I do not think I am projecting or supporting his house of cards in any way. I am actually sharing with him a lot on mindfulness, life balance, life purpose, and fulfillment. I love what I do - it's my 2nd career - a hobby turned into a full-time job and I am really passionate about what I do, but I do not overwork even that I probably could because I love capital markets/investments so much! Seeing me enjoying what I do and being really passionate about my life purpose, he even started considering leaving his current job that he hates and potentially opening his own business. So, in summary, I have been in his shoes, working on a job I hated and I left that job and completely recreated myself and moved into the industry that I am super passionate about and became successful in it. I think I am a good example for him that it is possible. The problem is he is not doing much to execute the plan. :(((

I was thinking about it. But I think it will come across as a manipulation. I am strongly against manipulating anyone to do anything.

I was quite emotionally numb about 7-8 years ago, it led to thoughts about suicide and other fun stuff. Don't let it slide! Do something about it! Therapy and counseling work to go through the reasons why you numb yourself. What protection mechanism is at play here? In my case, I numbed myself to feel less pain, but with total numbness, you can't feel joy either. A breakthrough I made with releasing my emotions fully was at Hoffman Process. Never was the same person again. Highly recommend it.

I don't feel lonely. I used to a long time ago, but these days, after 7-8 years of ongoing therapy, I feel completely content with being on my own. So it's not loneliness. At least I don't feel this way. It's a genuine desire for true intimacy and closeness in a relationship, because if these things are missing, then why stay in a relationship at all? He is very polite and considerate and many times he 100% prefers to avoid talking about stuff in a direct manner probably out of fear of hurting my feelings. He is German, so he can be as direct as me. But he is definitely more considerate. And this avoidance of talking about stuff even that it might hurt my feelings is what upsets me the most and actually creates a disconnect and breaks intimacy and openness at least for me. Maybe for him, it is totally fine. So basically whenever it is discomforting for him, either due to him thinking that honesty will hurt me or he is afraid to go deep into his own shit, he just prefers not to talk about it. And this is what kills the connection for me.

there is probably some truth to it. But I do not want to change him as a person. I like him the way he is. But I do want to change his working behavior from what I think is unhealthy to a more balanced situation. Working 7 days a week, not having enough time for yourself and your own self-care are indicators to me that this thing went from being focused on work/ busy with work to full-blown workaholism - and workaholism is an addiction similar to drugs and alcohol and sex addiction. It is viewed more positively by society, but this is an addiction non the less. As someone close to him, I see it for what it is and sit and do nothing, I don't know. If it was alcoholism in your partner and you noticed they are drinking more and more, wouldn't it bother you? But I do understand that until he realizes how harmful it is for him and what fear or needs he is trying to meet with overworking so much, I don't think I can do anything. So I am trying to use my example of living a balanced and happy life, so he sees it and wants the same perhaps? Difficult situation.

You want to assess and conclude that he does not love me? :))) I told him I loved him when he was super supportive in my mom's crisis to which he replied that I am a very special person to him and the way he said it sounded almost like L word, but not quite. He says little, he does things for me. And when it comes to men, I judge how they feel about me based on what they do, not what they say.

Haha! This is exactly what I am doing! Trying to face the reality and the actual situation and also look into how it all makes me feel, however uncomfortable. That's what this post is all about actually. And I don't think he actually knows/understands how I feel right now because we haven't seen each other and I don't like talking about feelings, not in physical presence with the person. So it's safe to assume that he has no idea that he is doing anything wrong most likely.