Vzdoh

Bitterness and hate? Where? I don't hate guys who are less good looking, I don't like the fact that they delude themselves about their looks and waste my time. Hate is a very strong word in this case, I feel sad and annoyed - that's more like it ?

Said a guy with a dog in his avatar ???

Yeah! Exactly! I totally love it when guys who r 4-5 at best behave like they are a total 9 ??? One was literally begging me to come over to his place late in the evening when I never even entertained a 2nd date with him ??? That's like delusion on steroids ??

I am not quite sure if it is your case, but I am an 8 and there are a lot of guys of 4-6 who approach me and they do it as if they are 7-8. This really puts me off, because it just shows they have big egos and do not have a realistic picture of who they are and how they look and come across, and what it takes to attract someone like me. So if you r having issues with 7-8 category of girls, do an honest review of where you stand and what needs to be improved? 7-8 category of girls can pick guys - successful, handsome, generous with gifts/attention/caring treatment. So they will pick the best In my case, for example, I was dating two equally successful guys, but one met my needs in caring/attention treatment, and another didn't, so in turn, I didn't see him as a potential provider Guess who won the race?

Hey guys, my BF has had quite a deep trauma when he was like 25y old where his casual fling he never intended to date seriously got pregnant 3 weeks into them knowing each other. She kept the baby and 20+ years of nightmare commenced with her manipulating with the child etc etc. Now when we have sex, he controls himself a lot and doesn't allow himself to fully relax, enjoy and come freely. In fact, I never experienced him coming. Been 4+ months. And he said he is like this already for 20+ years. How can I help? Suggest him counselling? What to do? Any ideas?

Hey dear Nahm, that's a lot of text and it probably took you a long time to write this piece up! So I deeply appreciate the effort! A bit clearer than your previous posts So I think I understood like 80% of it However, you are taking my other post about my needs not satisfied fully in a relationship and extrapolating it to "I am not able to meet my needs on my own, therefore, I am looking to meet them externally". This is quite a wild extrapolation, to be honest! :))) Let's deconstruct the needs into a few buckets and from there, it will be much easier for me to showcase what needs I am talking about. Needs I am taking care on my own: - need for self-love and self-acceptance - need to give love to and care about others Needs I am taking care of with the help of friends/family/colleagues/clients: - need for social circle and interaction - need for spiritual connection - need for serving others - need to give love to and care about others - need to receive love and care from others - need for physical presence/interaction Needs I am taking care of in a romantic relationship: - need for intimate/sexual connection - need for spiritual connection - need to give love to and care about the other - need to receive love and care for the other So from the above, when I was talking about my needs are not fully met, I meant - need for intimate/sexual connection/intimacy/physical presence (I am super tactile) and as you can see, this need can only be primarily met in a romantic relationship, can't be met fully by friends or family or colleagues or even on my own even if I try super hard - bottom line is - intimate interaction is only possible with a romantic partner. Now does it make me vibrationally clingy or looking for people whose vibration is to meet the needs of others? I don't think so! This is a very normal need in a romantic relationship and fulfilling it is actually the entire point of a romantic relationship, apart from spiritual connection and giving/receiving love. And even further extrapolation you made from me simply stating that this particular need is not fully met is that I ONLY look for romantic relationships where I ONLY look to meet MY OWN NEEDS. This can't be further from the truth! I am in a romantic relationship to give love and meet the needs of the other for connection. But of course I do expect that since I sincerely want to meet the needs of my partner, he will have the same attitude towards my needs as well.. Not sure if I am making sense...but this is my logic and you are simply looking and extrapolating from a small point into a big ass problem :)))

You probably haven't read anything I have written here. My highest standard is 10 orgasms per session. Normal for me 2-3 per session. He gives me that. I am not going to demand highest standard from someone who has an obvious trauma in sex department and controls his ajaculation so much. That's just simply not reasonable at thus point.

Ladies perspective. It's a total myth that all women like big D. I had a few encounters with guys whose D was above 20cm and it was nothing more than a pain fest for me. Now I am smarter and if it is that big, I simply refuse to have sex. Golden spot is somewhere btw 12 and 20 for me personally. I can still enjoy the size, but don't feel the pain. My personal limit is 10cm. If its smaller than I don't feel much. But all women are different. Asian girls will most likely be OK with smaller than 10 and some of my GFs only date african guys - for u know what reason ???? So as long as your GF is happy with the size, it should be good. And I agree with her about not making it bigger, she is very well aware that probably she won't be able to take a bigger size.

Dear, thank you so much for sharing. It is very helpful! We have just recently tried oral and although he liked it and was hard, he kinda stopped me from getting him to come via oral. He didn't particularly encourage me to do oral for past few months we were dating either. He doesn't drink alcohol. At all. And doesn't do any other relaxative stuff to get his mind out of focus. So I will have to work on his body I think to put him into a relaxed state first like a massage perhaps. I never seen him come and since we just tried oral, I think the first step I will do is to try to get him to come with oral consistently and let him know that it is safe and I really enjoy pleasing him. Whenever he feels more comfy with oral and overall coming. Progress to the next step and try to get him to come vaginally. We use condoms, so it's quite safe. But I think he is still afraid a lot - like condom can slip etc. And I will talk to him about vasectomy at least in terms of asking why he didn't do it so far if he is so afraid to get another girl pregnant? Probably will be a good insight too. Interesting part - we talked kids, in the beginning of the relationship. Because I am 39 abd he is 50 and I needed to know where he stands on that point because I didn't want to start dating someone who absolutely doesn't want kids anymore. He said he doesn't mind kids. Not specifically that he actively wants one, but that he is OK with having one if it happens. So then maybe it should go into the direction of deepening the connection and him seeing me as someone from whom it is safe to have kids if it happens I guess. That I am not abusive like his ex, grounded, can express my emotions in a healthy manner etc. That's my current train of thought. Thanks a lot for your male perspective ????

Actually, interesting bit, he has a great relationship with his mom and his son. Due to pandemic he hasn't seen them for 1.5 years, but most of us stuck in Singapore, didn't due to current limitations for employment pass holders. Actually he is in regular contact with all his close relatives - mom, dad, son, sister and her kids. Weekly family calls every Sunday. And I feel like he does want more emotional and human connection with me than just sex, especially that in his life sex led to some quite traumatic experiences. So he does not come across as emotionally unavailable at all. But does use work to escape his internal struggles I think. That's why I see hope in the better outcome overall. I do a lot of stuff for my self pleasure, but probably need to do more. Already have the list for the things that put me into the high energy state. Just need to practice them more. Thanks for advice!

@mandyjw i am not particularly keen on kids at the moment, but I might change my mind later.

@integral then why to have a relationship with anyone? If one doesn't expect any needs to be met there? Let's all stay single all our lives ?

@Nos7algiK you are projecting here I think. I do not look out for trauma men specifically. It just turns out most people, including men, have trauma. Some realise this and self aware of it and do something to fix it. And others are asleep as Leo says and not even aware they have it. Everyone has trauma and specific associated triggers. In relationships I noticed what happenes is how these traumas align? Meaning relationship has a chance when one's trigger is not a place where it is a core fundamental need of another and reverse. I am very aware of when I face someone's trauma and I don't have an expectation or desire to fix it for the person or help them against their will. My concern and help response is strictly around how to make relationship better and more successful. To save the other person is their own task and I can help and provide guidance, but I can not take that responsibility for another person I made that mistake with my mom. And now I realised and fully let go even if it means she drives herself into the ground. I can't be responsible for her life. It's been a very painful realisation and hard decision to make. But I accepted it however hard that was. So I am not in a relationship to save anyone from themselves. I am simply there to hold the mirror as I should as a partner and let the person see themselves and how they are and then they decide what to do about it. If no action is taken, I will most likely walk away if their triggers/trauma is interfering with health of the relationship AND I am not getting my needs met. But in general, I am not delusional about finding someone who has no trauma at all. Such people just don't exist. So I am willing to try to make it work, but if it doesn't, I accept right now already that the best way will be to walk away.

Well its both - for his and my own sake. I don't differentiate here - for him or for me because its the area of a relationship - where both of our interests are important. So addressing this issue is both important for me and him if we want to continue the relationship. I have done a lot of work on myself in the last 8 years and addressed my own trauma and became more self aware and I am continuing the work as I post here. It never stops. Question is what exactly I haven't addressed within me that attracts a partner like this? I worked through my family trauma, my parents divorce, abandonment and neglect issues in early childhood and learnt how to love myself and also learnt how to establish healthy boundaries. Not sure what else can be done? Any ideas? At least for direction where to look? ???

I was thinking about floating tank experience actually. Was going to book a session for him. He has difficulty letting go of control. So let's see if I am going to be successful about it.

What I know based on what he shared so far is he kinda had very low interest in sex compared to other guys. Also, he had relationships after trying to make it work with the mother of his son, but it never got to the point where he would live together with these ladies and it seems to me he chose unavailable partners before, where probably he was not challenged to address his issues, because it was dating mostly without the future. Dated married women with kids etc. For me also sounds quite strange that he never addressed this but then if his previous partners didn't push for it, he was getting by same as now, making sure the lady is satisfied but did little to address his own satisfaction levels. He didn't share anything with me about masturbation and if he can come during it. I have a feel that he pressures the sex and any thing sexual down because of overall discomfort with what sex can lead to. Yeah, if it was going on for 20y like that, I am not quite sure if I can change anything. Only if he values me being in his life and starts doing something in the direction of recovery because he wants me to stay in a relationship with him. I decided to talk about it in more details. We r planning a staycay together and I want to explore massage and please him and see how he reacts. Will ask if he ever thought about seeing a therapist. Most men I think reject therapist idea because they don't want to admit to themselves that one, there is something wrong with him, second, that he cannot fix it on his own and needs help. Guys have trouble asking for help compared to women I think.

@IAmReallyImportant you r projecting and assuming a lot of stuff here. I already commented on the nature of my relationship. I trust him, he is not trying to deceive me, communication is quite good and deep, he is opening up emotionally, I do enjoy sex with him, he makes sure that I am satisfied. My concern is about how to help him to lose control and come and enjoy sex more as a result. I never stated I was disappointed or dissatisfied with sex.

@Seed i have no idea what he is trying to communicate? Why write at all if u make it so criptic? Are you trying to show off how deep your thinking is? Instead of actually helping and being crystal clear? You want to help? Or u don't?

@Leo Gura how do I sniff out something really deep? People don't go about telling their deepest secrets...

@Leo Gura Hey Leo, it's not an ancient divorce. He actually never married the woman. It's the fact that he was careless with sex when he was young and that resulted in ending up having a child with a woman he never loved really. That's an expensive and life altering mistake. U don't think its enough to become a reason to be afraid to ajaculate? If it happened to me, I would probably become super paranoid and neurotic about it.

@RickyFitts i have hope because he did open up to me emotionally about a lot of stuff. And he is opening up more the more the relationship progresses. So it gives me hope that he can overcome his trauma. I did! It did take me some time, but I know it's possible because I did it.

@Roy You make too many assumptions,dear. I don't blame you. Because here I posted only about issues I experience but not about all the good parts of the relationship. He does work a lot, but he does value our relationship and trying to meet my needs. Sex is not bad, far from it in fact. I just want him to enjoy more than he currently does and loosen up more. He is a great guy and has a kind heart and other qualities I couldn't find easily in other guys. Does he have trauma and issues to resolve? Yes. But who doesn't? I am going to give it a chance and see if he wants to work on his issues and makes an effort. If he doesn't, then yes, I will walk away, cause I can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped. I will also walk away if my needs are not met. And I already let him know about it - that I will choose me, not the relationship if I feel unhappy and unfulfilled in a relationship with him due to my needs not being met.

@Nahm @hamedsf @Gesundheit2 Can you put it into much simpler form? I don't think I understood anything from what you have said. I am afraid you talk in riddles. What exactly am I attracting?

@Nahm @hamedsf @Gesundheit2 Can you put it into much simpler form? I don't think I understood anything from what you have said. We r exact opposite in bed. I completely let go of any control and he tries to control both his ejaculation and what happens to me. So not convinced about vibrational match of any sort when it comes to sex. We r exact opposites of each other it seems.

@hamedsf @Gesundheit2 thanks! Will have a look!