Hey, I'm new here and like Leo's content, so I thought I'd give this forum a shot. So basically I've been suffering from severe depression for the past 21 months, and one of the main causes is that I have impossible goals that I believe I need to achieve to be happy. Here are the goals:
Become a professional rock climber.
Become a popstar.
Become either a successful entrepreneur or a top world scientist.
I think I have to achieve all of the above goals simultaneously to be happy. What I think I would get from achieving those goals is positive attention from other people—being seen/noticed, being talked about, praise—and I would also win people over because they would think I'm really smart, really talented, really hard working, etc. The status and reputation I would garner from those goals would also help me get girls or feel like I'm even capable of getting girls. The reason I can't set my sights lower is because if I don't stand out enough, then I won't get enough attention, regard, or status to feel good about myself. If I achieved just one of the goals, I would only stand out in one respect and it wouldn't make up for all my inadequacies.
So to explain my insanity:
My parents fought a lot and my left when I was 9. I still saw my mom after that, but she was very distant and uninvolved, almost like an indifferent babysitter. My dad was negative, critical, authoritarian, and emotionally neglectful. He showed me no love and affection except for the fact that he would always insist that I go out or watch movies with him.
My friend group in middle school rejected me and I had trouble fitting in elsewhere. There were two girls that I was close to in middle school, but I was an idiot and totally ruined those relationships, to the point that one of the girls hated me. The significance of the two girls is that they were the only ones that ever fulfilled any of my emotional needs, so losing them hurt a lot. In high school I was a loner and painfully aware of how everyone else had friends and a social life.
I've never had a girlfriend or even been on a date.
I was the smartest kid in school, at least when it came to math, and that's what others knew me for. It became my entire identity really. I did well in a few big competitions in grade school, and as a result I got a lot of praise and attention from everyone: teachers, peers, relatives, parents, etc. Those were the few days in my life I felt any sort of appreciation or belonging or esteem. Later on in high school I did get some attention for being above average at sports.
Because I've been a loser/loner for so long and have had so many negative things said about me by other people, I have a very poor self-image and minimal self-acceptance.
On the surface my life is fine, I have friends, a high paying job, hobbies, savings, and a fit body, but I feel mediocre and undesirable and like I don't belong anywhere.
I've tried shrooms twice but haven't had any insights yet or any intense trips. I think I need to up my dose.
