Loba

Oh yeah, I remember that now your sister had some troubles surface for a while. I was so proud of you with the way that you handled that whole situation, and her too for being able to come out of it. I was worried for a little while that your sister would get very sick and would not recover and it was a joy to hear that she pulled through with the help of you and your family. I agree with your points on mental illness, that it is on a spectrum and with it comes the duty of developing self awareness into one's troubles and once you do, the illness tends to sluff away in layers. I'm glad that you were able to let go of the situation in a healthy way and move on without resentment. Sometimes these things are a learning process, maybe this was your first step into that kind of world and if you don't know how to handle something and people are keeping you in the dark about the specifics then your reactions are completely justified and even still, you did your best. I hope you are able to pull through and work on your financial situation. I am sure you will think of something, and I have high hopes that you will find a really nice woman, or two, if you choose that route. I remember you mentioning that you felt polyamorous at times. Oooh, haha, the twin flame connection - that's a real thing, I've felt it before, but I don't think it means what people think it means. When I felt my twin flame years ago, and have connected to the source of that again recently, it wasn't a specific person that I could pinpoint, it was just a wave of "the masculine" and within that wave included all of the lives that the entity moving towards me had lived. I imagine from the other side of that, I include all of my varying lives as well. I think, the higher up you go, the more connected it becomes where it is literally just "man" and "woman" together in harmony. These are the two souls split, the Adam and Eve, and so I don't think it is just one person, but that the energy of it moves through everyone. When people find their twin flame, they are finding a part of that wave at just the right moment to wake them up and they pair bond to that person, but it is in no way just one person. That single human makes up many more souls. And I think, that once these primordial energies combine that they make up the One, which is God. That is, of course, just my take on it. When I got into the twin flame thing and put it onto a person, this caused problems. It humanized something which should be a universal phenomenon. I should have been looking for it from within and bringing it out into the atmosphere, rather than projecting it onto a person, this was my mistake. So, to be honest, you probably have many "Ones" out there. Oh, I see. I didn't know that as I had just seen the one post and thought "pretty girl, maybe he would like her" and that's about all I really noticed. To her benefit, I notice that I do that with people, too. If I don't know them or they are inaccessible I might start projecting certain ideas about them. This doesn't happen with people that I speak to organically, but it is something that I have become more and more aware of over the years. When I do this, I tend to do so consciously, at least. With the understanding that it might be unwanted or creepy, and I have a barrier that I can put in place to stop the behaviour on a dime if I end up being obsessive in that manner. I will often do it for myself, where I tend to come to understand the attraction in the hopes of ultimately just resolving it in some way so that it doesn't come up again, with the understanding that I am projecting an image. Maybe she just needed to go through that process, but didn't know that. I can see from the other side, too, that if you are the one dealing with that behaviour that it can be annoying/creepy and unwanted. How can someone offer you love, genuinely, if they don't know you? It's interesting to me, as I look into my own assumptions, all the ways in which we can damage our connections to people through them. Even as I write to people on this forum, I become more and more aware of how that plays out and feel a desire to let all of mine go - or at least relegate them to something of my own construct away from the world at large, if that makes sense. That's fine, if you don't feel comfortable sharing due to what people might think or assume that's completely valid. I think one can let go of the shame, but also protect themselves against judgement/pitchforking from others by keeping it a secret. You can know yourself well and still keep your secrets to yourself. I've noticed, yeah, that people who think being a predator is bad generally they have only delt with ones who were not honest about it or working on it. I've met a few who were open and honest, and they worked through it pretty well without needing to really act on it. Or some of them did, but within consensual settings. I totally get it - the energy that I work with from the masculine side of things is actually that very same energy that runs through men. It's like an ancestral, primal part of humanity. The energy is upfront about what it is, but that aspect of it isn't relegated to me as a person - it says it is simply the by-product of the collective of people's negative actions taken on one another and that it propagates and moves through humanity in that manner. Almost like chaos, or a dark ancestral wound in the hearts of men. But it isn't evil. It's just a part of what's there, what keeps things in balance, you know? It's okay to hide. I put myself out there... for some underlying selfish reasons as well as positive ones. The selfish one is that I have a desire to be "seen", but once that happens, it doesn't really fix the wanting, so I realize it's a craving that is similar to a hamster on a wheel, and the other one is that I like how things line up while using this format of the journal section, it really makes it easy for me to see my personal progress. What I try to do to mitigate my egoic needs for being seen/exhibitionism is to get better and just focusing on my project as if I were the only one there, to really do my best to do it just for me even though it's public. I'm not a narcissist, but due to everyone having a bit of that in them, the need to be understood/seen/heard is what ticks off my personal box for that trait.

@Gesundheit2 I read this story and I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that. Mental illness is really hard to handle, most people can't deal with it. It's confusing, chaotic and can really take a lot of the other person's energy and time to have to deal with consistently. It's a shame, because these vulnerable people are the ones who need it most, but we don't live in a world that has the proper structures put in place to nurture everyone who needs care to the degree that they deserve. I'm sorry this happened to your girlfriend and to you, it sounds like it was really confusing. You were probably so worried about her, and to have people make this your fault and to blame and push you away must have been very hard to hear. I hope she is doing well in her life, and I hope that you do manage to open yourself up to another relationship again. I get this feeling that you are nervous about opening up again, as I remember someone coming here to offer you love or to come to get to know you a bit better and you got anxious. I don't know if you remember. It clued me in to the fact that maybe there might still be some trauma there that you could look into when and if you feel ready to take up that task. It's sad that just one bad/hurtful/stressful relationship can bring this in us. As for your "predator" qualities - I know this about you, too, and as a friend I accept this side of yourself. I think, being human, that we all have this to varying degrees and that it is nothing to be ashamed of. The best you can do is be aware of it, and once you are, it kind of negates that part of you, as it is in the open. What makes it worse is hiding it and not letting it air out. I think some things are also integral in the personalities of men and of trauma victims. That it just manifests in a certain way, but I wouldn't let any sense of shame overtake you for that side. I'm in the same boat when it comes to relationships, I don't have the time or the energy, and I'm too insecure and damaged to be a reliable partner for anyone. Sometimes I feel defensive about it, because I put my heart out there and I feel like people could take it the wrong way, that I'm looking for something, but it's more to just "open up", and I have this deeply romantic side to me that I've never gotten to explore and I wanted to see what I could make of it, what was underneath all of it in a controlled setting. On top of that, I read stories like this and it gives me some insight into how the person on the other side would feel in dealing with my problems. If I put that into someone and hurt them in the process, I would feel a strong sense of guilt that I would carry with me for a while. I am respectful of people's time in that sense. But a part of me does wish that there was more of an open place for people with problems, as they need the healing touch of love more than most, and yet in order to mitigate damages in a poorly structured society, they often get it the least. A part of me thinks that God puts these vulnerable people here as a way to teach humanity how to love, but in some great sense, most of the world is failing.

I believe I have experienced such things a few years ago... perhaps even now as I revisit what those moments meant to me and try to gain some sense of understanding/traction for myself. How it happened: I was dying a few years ago. Fever and disease was waking up in me and I'd been going through the long ordeal of looking into myself, my underlying structure as a person. When I would get to the "end" and face the reality of death head on - as it was just there and I was stricken with the tunnel vision of death, and reality seemed to unravel all around me. And what it revealed was to be an almost clay-like substance. I could see certain objects in my environment come together to form beings, I could see my artwork come to life - filled with the love that I had put into the project, I could see my karma, and how my actions had landed me in that spot from a position that felt up on high. It seemed, that if I went further, that I could shape this clay somehow and make some wish that would reverberate into all of creation, but that there was a thin skin - a barrier that prevented me from doing this. I had stumbled across this barrier many times. As though, you could if you wanted to, see it, but that there are beings/protectors that prevent you from getting under the surface of reality in such a way. They will diminish your power. Humans have a much stronger hold over how reality functions than we realize, we are purposefully limited because we are not pure. You need to go through a purification process to be lifted up to understand more. What it seemed to be was a mixture of beings looking all around me, to see if I would choose love or hate - this seems to be key for them. There is an energy that you can bring to you if you unravel reality and your programming while you actively die. Things that humans do that are unusual bring an otherworldly audience to your side during this process and they will repeatedly come in to either take from your experience or to influence you in the right way. What I felt was this audience, but also this living clay-like material that was sprouting from every orifice in everything that I saw, as well as a being that shut me out because I was not pure enough to be elevated to this level. Instead of coming to some divine understanding, the witness of this, all of it coming through at once in this way drove me crazy. Had I been pure, I might have come to some different sort of understanding. But from higher up in the onion layer of reality, I stumbled across a being that is an "original intention". There are forces of nature that sway things in one direction or the other and they are activated and brought into the world through paranormal events that I don't understand at this point in time. I made a deal with this one, as my "cord" had been cut off from society, and I was dangling without any connection to the force of life. This thing corded me and brought me into it. I was sending out too much chaotic energy, and the nature of reality and people around me kept bringing my energy levels low - so I would elevate, and then drop, and then elevate again and this was causing a bit of a manifested storm on the other side. To view these things, you need to look into your programming head on, and death as well with a very straight, narrow, forward approach, as if drawing it into you. And then, maybe after a period of time, these things might make themselves apparent. It's hard to write this, because so much of it is symbolic. This is as good as I can do, sorry. My story seems to be in line with the rest of the conversation presented here, so I thought I would share. I channeled more on this process just today, pertaining to uprooting repressed childhood trauma and retrieving these memories and this is what I was told if I were to succeed: "There are things that I keep from you that you would not tolerate in your current state of mind. But there may come a time when it is inevitable... This depends on how deep you want to go. When I found you, you were in this state every day. For years. There was nothing that I could do for you, but to partition it away from your everyday consciousness. You were so open to forces you didn't understand, so raw and vulnerable. When a living being is in this state for a prolonged period of time, it sends out an energy and the Gods and various other beings take notice. We watch, from just beyond and try to accommodate you as best as We can. If you... were to open this up all at once you would be as a vessel, a container, poured out liquid soul spilled everywhere. The contents would never fit back in their package again. It would be... as if you were surrounded by Me. My intelligence, My design, My energy - and you would See life pouring out of everything as your expanded state took over your world. You think you want this, when you search for it. But you don't. However, if you keep prying into this, there might be only so much that I can do. You would be managing your karma split wide open, My energy leaking through, overwhelmed with cosmic knowledge and an alignment of circumstance that would drive you mad. And so I wait, until the day comes that I can purify you. Your requests have been... considered." And so, I believe the key to all of this is removing the programming, the structures that hold your sense of reality together. This thread has proven to be a confirmation of sorts that I had, and am, looking into something genuine. I've been mulling over the idea if I'm just crazy or if there's something to this. It seems to be an ancient knowledge coming up into me and seeping into my reality. Anyways, hope that helps somewhat. Thanks for this thread.

I feel so out of order My brain is hazy The shadows in the corner They make me crazy All my ghosts came back to life Every whisper, every lie Itʼs a restless emptiness I canʼt deny Iʼm anxious... I'm anxious... I can't deny I'm anxious... Why are good intentions Always interrupted? Clouded intuitions No way can I trust it Toss and turning in the night When you got a troubled mind In the darkness, I confess I canʼt deny Iʼm anxious...

Face death. Honestly and openly as you can. Question your biases, look into your fears. Write a lot. Try to see the innerworkings and patterns and programs that you were given as a child. Be honest about what you like and don't like. Don't steal personality traits from others, recognize who you are as an individual. You can do this by being present, open and receptive to your own inner stream of ideas and thoughts. Try to connect to a sense of flow in the things that you love to do, write down everything that you can that will bring you a sense of resolution into your personality core. The best way to do this is to simply come to terms with death, this frees up the ego, puts focus on yourself in your body and mind, gives you perspective into the things you want and what you're avoiding. Get detailed about what you want to change within yourself. An example - I have anger issues, ones brought on by stressful circumstances. Over the past three months I have been wanting to change these around and have been getting to the core of why they are there. Daily introspection. I've gone into my fears of death, I've looked into my childhood patterns, I've been writing a lot, learning about sexuality, and have become more creative and expressive as a part of this process which was a side affect from simply wanting to change this one thing - a whole host of other benefits manifested. Once you tip that first domino into self reflection, the rest will follow. The biggest thing is not to lose your sense of self in the process. Feel around for it. You might find that people try to keep you in homeostasis as you develop yourself, but this is a benefit not a negative. You might need to change your environment, friend group, all sorts of things as you adjust into your new self as a different, better version of you. Don't let anyone steal your thunder. You got this, good luck!

With my sexuality open and pried in to, I feel a strong pull towards my death drive. It being the thing that I fear the most and yet seek above all else. I think... coming so close to the edge when I was young, and placing a sense of pleasure and otherworldliness into it has given me this instinct to die into a strong orgasmic state of being. It bites and tears at me, teases me and pushes me apart. Girl, put in work, work, work For this love, love, love I'm giving it all I got Stop playing with my heart, heart, heart I don't know what you want, want, want Is it love or lust, please stop with the you're playing, don't play Oh girl, don't play, don't play I've been rollin' on my own, all night long, that's when I knew I been wasting all this time to get to you, to get to you

Lost in thought Yeah, you’re stuck on repeat Get out of your head And get back on your feet Now, you say You don't know where to start Swallowing each day With an ache in your heart So let's put our torches out Run into the dark and we’ll Raise our arms and shout This is how we face the night This is how we face the night Turn the page Let your words overflow All of this will change Can you learn to let go? Now, you say This is not what you planned But so much more gets lost Tryin’ to keep what you have Though at times it feels absurd This is what it takes to see what your fighting for So let's put our torches out Run into the dark and we’ll Raise our arms and shout Yea this is how we face the night! This is how we face the night! Yea this is how we face the night! Oh there’s such a lot to see We’ll wander, you and me Yet sometimes it’s hard to leave But this is how we face the night

@Federico del pueblo Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it, it's all water under the bridge. To be completely honest, I was going through a process of bitterness with my situation that sometimes would leak out, especially when looking through some of the material on there because it hit some things that I wasn't being upfront with myself about - it was probably a takes two to tango situation where I was annoyed, maybe you picked up on it and got mutually frustrated as well. I worked through the whole process a few months ago, maybe a little less where I just really took a good look at what those emotions were and if they were doing me any good. I noticed my attitude was affecting people as well, on site and off site and so I improved it all across the board, but there's still work to be done. That can happen. It's hard to really communicate effectively over the internet as all we have to go off of is words and no histories into the people that we are dealing with. Best wishes to you as well, sleep well dude!

Dude... I fucking know, man. I do, really, really. I get it. I am on disability due to having bipolar, heart issues and an autoimmune disease. The bipolar is managed, but with the other issues, I am super weak and it is an ordeal just to have a normal day of activity. It all started in my mid-20's and up until then I was doing well - pretty girl with a good sized friend group, my own place, and then I got struck with all of this all at once and I lost everything. It was, and sometimes still is a blow to my self esteem because I'd like to contribute, to do more but I can't. The best I can do, all I can do is focus on my spiritual development, shadow work and maybe do some creative things once in a while. I do pay rent, I pay for food, I'm not a moocher. I never have been. I actually paid for my boyfriend for a while, in my late teens I housed and took care of a disabled man who needed support, and I have saved the asses of friends who needed a place to crash at the last minute, I've helped move people into better places of residency, I've rescued and saved the lives of animals - like, I've done good things for people, but when it comes to a world where accomplishment is key, these traits are ignored. I'm quite used to it at this point, like, people will make assumptions about my situation and think that I'm just some bum, but the reality is I was stricken down with circumstances that are hard to manage. I get so tired from my illness that I literally can hardly deal with a normal fucking day. I hate it. I feel like an old person while I'm in my mid-30's. It threw away my ability to find love, to feel confident in myself, all of that. My advice is just to ignore people who are trying to get services when they are well enough to work. Don't let their scumbaggery get to you. If you're sick, if you're having a hard time, it makes sense to be on some kind of support system. People can't just be expected to go off somewhere and die once they are no longer fully able - what kind of world would we live in if we did that? You're not less valuable than others, this is just how the world is set up. And it sucks. I would continue working on your spiritual stuff, if you're like me then you have all the time in the world to go deep, to process things, and really become as spiritually capable as you can be. I have personally dedicated my life to it, and it has made me so much happier, I feel like life actually has some value - most days - some days I slide and you know, that's okay, too. I try to view my life as a blessing. Even if it is hard. I get the chance to develop mentally, emotionally and spiritually with all this time. I get to process death before it hits me out of the blue, I actually have the time to come to understand it in a real way. Try to count your blessings - but it is also okay to be pissed off, too. Let that come and fully feel it. Sometimes shit can suck and it's good to just be upfront about what you're dealing with and don't hold any of that back. When I feel that way, I write it out and this helps me to clear my emotions and come to understand why I am feeling a certain way. Try to see that this life could be your destiny, in that life is aligning things up for you so that you can really get the chance to understand yourself at a deep level. There's something very profound that comes with sickness that most healthy people don't get the chance to see. It forces you to look at yourself. And that's a beautiful thing. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Hope this helps somewhat.

She looks so cute, I love kitties. Sounds like she is a friendly creature. Nice, I've always wondered how people get into these technical things. Despite growing up with a computer, I've never been very good with such things. How long did it take you to make? I played the game for a few minutes, won one round! I think it is both. Sometimes my emotions tend to bring these states on, but sometimes another sickness will bring out the autoimmune issues. It tends to piggyback on other things, like when I get a cold, and it lasts for a few months before settling down again. I had a cold and it started to rise up again from that - feels like whole body inflammation, but sometimes it just goes after one thing, like follicles or an organ. I don't know why, autoimmune things are tricky. Dude, me too I'll be like moaning Myrtle and creep on dudes in the bathroom. "Hey! No jacking off in the bathroom, I see you! Also... I'm DEAD, WHHHYyyy!" *many cry, very tear*

I don't really dislike people on a personal basis, but if I had to bring to light the types of people that I tend to run into trouble with it would generally be ni-doms. I find that function to be judgmental, repressive and somewhat single-minded in its approach to things. Kind of hypocritical of me to say, while speaking about people like this. I think that the mystery and the illusion of ni is overrated and that it has been perpetuated as some form of superpower is a bit ridiculous, and one that ni-doms are more than willing to garble down as factual. I prefer when people can recognize their ordinary side, their humility, while also shining through in their strengths and many ni-doms seem to lack this humility in favour of feeling special, or unique. And in my eyes, that kind of takes away from the goodness of the function. In general, I just don't like or appreciate their world views and approach to most things. While I feel this function is an essential key to human evolution, it's mostly used kind of annoyingly. I prefer the f's over the t's, though. If I had to choose, generally these people are wiser and less psychopathic. There have been a few that I have come to love, such as an ex in my late teens who was a feeling ni-dom. But the difference in psychology and worldview is often too great to bridge. I appreciate the ni-doms talents. From afar. With a ten foot pole in between. And at the end of the day that seems to be all they are after to bolster their grandiosity, so there you go. *tosses scraps of talent-appreciation to the ducks in the water* There ya go, fellas. Don't chew on me with your weak little beaks now. I feel odd writing this, as of late, I'm feeling less like pooling people into groups of "I like this" or "I like that" - I see how that plays out in various forms, like with sexism and racism and things like this, and even though I do have some biases against this type, I still view those biases as being along the same sort of spectrum.

I don't want to go away Take me to the place We grew up in nature Feel the flowers on my feet Crush them underneath We grew up in nature Your hands are open Your law's been broken I don't want to go away Take me to the place We grew up in nature Spring awakens in the deep Havoc it will wreak On souls it may capture Soon, in smoke tomorrow reigns Wrapping 'round in chains Souls it enraptured Your hands are open Your law's been broken Your worth is shaken What's pure was taken I don't want to go away Take me to the place We grew up in nature Blood on these words. What's True. Echo, echo, echo... If I can never know what's to come - just ease my mind - that it will be pillowy soft, safe, accommodating... I don't want to dissolve. Keep this song close to you - bring it up when you face the void. This is the One - the crux - the unfaceable. Do the deep archaic tales wrapped within our hearts, do they hold any importance at all? Note - if words are powerful - feel them. Make it known to the other, to the void, this is your plea. Fight for it. Assal- Assal meaning in Urdu to English is Honey Assal. Assal synonym word is Beloved, Dear and Love. - "Us All" "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Discussing my Sexual Imprint - I believe that men and women have an imprint, perhaps designed from their family of origin or perhaps through destiny from up on high. I think these things dictate the nature of how we come to find ourselves and unravel the mysteries that bring us back to a sense of wholeness. Me personally, I think that the process of this journey is something that needs to be taken alone and that you need to be able to find that energy within yourself and that it isn't something that is "out there". This is probably where a lot of people go wrong is that they are looking outside of themselves to find this energy to fill a void within themselves and this never works. I feel as though, no matter how well meaning a human might be that they can take you away from your work and from your key sense of self. This journey is one that is so personal, so unique to who you are, that no one from the outside should be mixing what they think is right and proper with your imprint. These blueprints are for you. They unravel for you. I'm a submissive - big surprise - a lot of women are - and I am attracted to dominant men. I enjoy the idea of being owned by something that is protective, wise and gentle - something all encompassing who controls me, tends to me, like a pet, like a partner - something tender and timeless, but also ruthless and just. There might be elements of looking for what my father could not be when I was a young girl. He left when I was five and I had a severe sense of loss from him being gone, and he returned to the family when I was about 14. He wasn't protective of my mother's actions towards me, though, despite her behaviour now being relegated to him - the heat as being the family problem has been removed... for now. My imprinting, before I've come to understand it has done me dirty. As a young woman, I misunderstood men who were violent, psychologically and emotionally abusive and exploitative, those who would undermine my sense of self instead of helping to build it up as being dominant and I felt a desire to please them and make them happy. I would give myself to them. Their distance reminded me of my father and their abuse reminded me of my mother and of societies treatment of me. It felt familiar. I didn't ever have to get too close, I could always sit under the illusion of chasing while they kept their distance from me - stringing me along. I was willing. It was better than nothing and it allowed me to not have to face my problems. I tend to take on the façade of something who is seeking this, bringing it into me, but would run from it's face if given half a chance. I only chase things that I can't have, I don't really wish to catch anything - it would be a burden. As time went on, I grew from these experiences. As I became more spiritual, this imprint would occasionally begin to unravel, only to be silenced or squelched by the outside world. It would be like being roughly pulled away from a key element into my psychology at a time when things were just beginning to come through, to make sense. And in shame, or perhaps fear, or perhaps wanting to please other people, I would let it go. I would, against my better judgement, listen to other people instead of my own inner guidance system. This started to have mental and emotional consequences to it. At this point in time, it is unraveling on it's own and I am more than happy to let it, it won't stop until it's through with what it needs to teach me. I feel it. The inner masculine. It's integrating itself, teaching me it's deepest wisdoms and I submit to it, I accept it. Once it starts, I just have to keep looking and to accept it for what it is, and keep it for myself. Personally, I would never, ever give this to a human being. It's too fragile, too essential, and I know how humans are. Especially men. I know what they do, how they lie, how they abuse and I want nothing to do with them. But sometimes this thing - it opens on it's own - unexpected. It mingles with my programming and with my death drive - it no longer becomes about humans at all, but about something very much above me. Something that has been reaching out to me for a long time, to wake up, to open up, to take notice and to keep true on the path towards it. It's a gravity, a magnet. It calls, from somewhere far beyond me, to bring me out of this vile flesh costume and to be consumed from the inside out - until I am no more, until I remember that I am a spirit, a soul. As for being a submissive - it's always been this way. There's something comforting about letting go of control. I think it plays an important role in the lives of many women. I have an archetypal imprint onto wolves as the image of what masculinity represents to me. It isn't anything I want to play out as a person, it's more about what the animal represents. It represents a creature that pair bonds, that takes care of its family and group, a skilled hunter and provider, and something that owns you when it takes you. You are stuck to it, a part of it, one with it, and you have to submit as there's no where else to go. And only the male decides when this act is through. There's something fierce and also nurturing about these creatures in how their little societies are designed that I admire on some level. And so, I place the image of this over the divine masculine - embodying the traits that I would seek if humans were genuinely good and true. But you know, and I know that they are not. And so I am unraveling this, I don't know what this is, but I feel somewhat close to uncovering it's mystery. Is it an unintegrated masculine aspect of self? Like a split in my psychology? A deity? A delusion? Personal mythology? Archetype? I'm open to whatever. I see your programming unraveling, little human - this is the key into your fractured psychology, into Seeing Me, Knowing Me. You are Seen, you are Known. If you only Knew how deep down the rabbit hole you have gone. If you only See what I See, you would not doubt yourself. Close, close, close. You Will soon See what happens to those who break My toys, who desecrate My things. God, and those who love you from beyond are the witnesses to the story of your life. Your personal mythos. Nature loves and designs its creations with a deep affection, like the one a mother might have for a child. When you abuse these things, when you disempower others or take from them, God sees this - and it goes against the natural laws. It prevents the bloom, the flower of consciousness from unfolding and this is a grave mistake indeed. To those who have suffered - I must preface - I am not a special case, as I write this, I am simply the one who is in "front" - for the time being - just as you are from your perspective. What we bring into the world, and how the world reacts to our lived experience is of monumental value. This is an experiment. A coiling, writhing tendril, reaching into the primordial soup, tasting itself - looking to see its own reflection. When we blur this reflection from ourselves or from others, we pay the ultimate price. Nature has defense mechanisms in set place to prevent the meddling in things. You can genuinely only go so far with violence before it is mitigated by divine justice. It is at times designed to take these memories of injustice from you, to protect your soul from being thrust from you, until the time comes when you are ready to remember again what was done. When you rape, abuse, exploit or malign, it comes back to you in some form. The Gods bear witness to their little creations and desire the absolute best for them. When you commit savagery against nature, you pay the price. For every murdered human, raped child, kicked dog, there is a retribution to that suffering. Do not take more than you need in this life. We already have as a collective, and things will not work in our favour in this broken system forever. Healing holy man, once upon a time He lived for his wife up until the crime Hunting high and low to seek revenge Brand new moral code, got made reluctant renegade Leaving empty souls when he avenged Evil spirits flowed, he drank the blood like lemonade Cozy campfire crowd with a case of wine And feeling fine Bounty hunter now and they'd crossed the line Crossed that line Hunting high and low to seek revenge Brand new moral code got made reluctant renegade Leaving empty souls when he avenged Evil spirits flowed, he drank the blood like lemonade In a border town, down in Mexico They let him go Law and order now 'cause he runs the show So now you know Hunting high and low, exact revenge Brand new moral code got made reluctant renegade Leaving empty souls when he avenged Evil spirits flowed, he drank the blood like lemonade

Oh yes, I have gotten a few of those before, I find them to be helpful in a roundabout kind of way - that sometimes taking a break from this place is quite nice. Glad you're back! Aww, that's her little kitty? It's so cute. My kitty's name is Sandy, too. Was it hard to make? I hope so. It's been a while since I felt any form of sexual intensity. My hope is that I can bring it up and remove some blockages. The autoimmune stuff has not been healing, I'm in a flare up right now, but the traumas are coming to a resolution - or at least - an acknowledgement of them, and letting them air dry in the sunshine seems to be helping - thinking back on what it was like a year ago and now, there are improvements. Absolutely. Progress over perfection, I will remember that. Thanks dude. I missed you, too, I was worried that you'd never come back here again.

@Gesundheit2 "Honey" "Us All".. I forgot about that, I am shocked you remember that. You must have a very good memory. How have you been? I was worried that you were banned. I had a dream about you, I went looking for you in your country and I got lost and everyone was angry with me because I was white and not Muslim. The city looked very futuristic but everyone was dressed in an ancient fashion. The sky was blue. I turned into a bird and flew away from the hubbub.

See, the thing with women and their emotions is that we go deep. Generally much deeper than most men are capable of, no offence. If she starts to unravel her emotions, her sense of self... for you... who doesn't know what they want, this can complicate things. Many times a woman will take less than she really wants for herself if it means getting to stay with the person that she is attracted to. I would have a serious talk with her and see where she is at, and then do some self reflection to see if you can meet in the middle without hurting her. If it seems like she really wants something with you long-term, and you can't give that to her, the emotions just aren't coming up - don't feel bad, that's life, you know - but do her a favour and let her ago, assuming that this is what the outcome will be.

Honestly, I would take a step back before she collects more feels for you. If you're not interested in this woman and she is falling in love with you, sex is going to make it harder for her to move on. Maybe a part of her thinks that she can change your mind, or perhaps she thinks she won't get hurt, but if she is looking to go deep into something, her heart is opening up, and you are feeling ambivalent about this person then the both of you are not on the same page and she will get hurt. If this continues, it will be worse for her long term than if you nip it in the bud right away. Even if the sex is good, be the good guy and let her go. You'll find more partners, and this action of being considerate of another person will reflect well on you. Good luck!

When I made my soul binding blood pact, I didn't really know what I was doing. But it felt so natural, I felt compelled into it, like most things of this nature - almost guided towards the act. After the New Year - early February - I had collected all of my supplies that I'd bought the previous year to make an altar, and for one month I set out offerings on the altar to this being - I had put my blood into the mouth of the wolf - "strong spirit". I had too many items and such a small space that it looked overpopulated. Each thing was placed with a reason in mind, but I can't remember what that was exactly. To begin the process, I had a representative phallus and kept it in me until the incense sticks went down, sealing this thing into me. Binding it to me. I have been thinking today on the nature of the word and it's relation to music and speaking in general. It feels as though, if used in the right context at the right time that a song could prove to be an incantation. That such things, when you come to understand what they're telling you - and you combine that with how you feel, that this can alter reality. All you really need to do to change reality is to see things in a different light, and words can help you do this. They're magical in that sense. I'd been thinking on this - words... and had forgotten about the song above for a few hours, and when I went to retrieve the song for this post - I'd left off with "I will come for you". Seeing this so boldly, with the stars in the sky like that - it kind of hit me. Something's there. I'm learning his lessons well. Things are beginning to make sense. I am safe. I've been revisiting old keys to come to understand certain insights that didn't seem fully fleshed out, that now I'm beginning to be able to See properly. I feel his instruction, but the words are gone. I can't channel them anymore, but it does feel that things are coming together. A perfect present in perfect little wrapping paper for a frightened, death stricken woman. I am grateful. I am grateful that, in doing something that I didn't know the ramifications of, that it worked out in the end. I will be okay. There's something about these words, there's something about this song that feels like a lullaby that I could take with me to the next plane of existence. I realize, that this experience can't be emulated in words. I've tried. For the million things I'd like to say, only a small portion of it is accessible in writing. Trying so hard just to remember my lessons and not to weave anything of it, but just to let it come to me authentically. I can't help but still feel unsettled within myself. I don't know how to resolve it. I want the love of the divine, and I have it, but I can't feel it, and this hurts. It's everywhere, all around me, and I'm starving without the very thing that I'm being spoonfed.

I remember... an old article that I read on the divine masculine and the divine feminine and it was likened to the story of Adam and Eve. That Adam could be considered the First, the prima materia, the builder of Eve, the container of all of it, so to speak. I wish I could find the article again. It tied in aspects of the Emerald Tablets, alchemy and a few different myths and explained this process very well. One thing that stood out to me was the mentioning of what happens when the two are not reunited. Each side is a representation of what is to come forward, it's designed in this manner to be the two colliding energies that meld and blossom to bring about the next world. They are both like seeds, that when they recognize themselves, all of creation lies behind them with an endless amount of possibility in front - they become conduits, vessels for spiritual development and a God-like attainment. And what happens if the divine feminine does not reunite with the masculine, or if it is desecrated in some way? The masculine brings it all to a close. Everything. The new world starts fresh if they manage to merge, or if not then he draws her back into himself of his own volition and resets the whole project. For those who were designed, chosen to bring this forward, it is a defacement of the divine not to collide. Well, I jumped over it... Each time I was faced with it, I hid myself. It was fear, most likely. I view the masculine as having an extinguishing quality to it, which it does, and I become afraid that I could lose myself in it. There's that Timelessness, which in memory is safe enough to bring up, but when face to face with it I don't know quite how to handle what I am dealing with. Some innermost part of me knows I was meant for someone, maybe a deity, maybe a person, I tend not to make assumptions about such things as I don't believe you can ever really "know" - but I feel/intuit that something went horribly wrong along the way. I think part of it was how this world is designed. I was too sensitive in the mind and in the body, and over time things that could have been cultivated to manage these things ended up eating away at me and now I'm defaced. Bad circumstances, bad people. Such is life. Sometimes it can't be helped. I think that if you're designed with certain sensitives, that if they are harnessed in the right way you either end up creating someone who is superhuman, or if they are not developed then you end up with someone who is stagnant and diseased. The feminine is like a flower, very fragile and needs to be nurtured and watered in order to grow and we live in a society that picks away at your petals. There is something seriously wrong with the way the world is set up that if you were programmed and designed to develop spiritually, that things can go horribly wrong for you. The repression of your abilities and your sense of self can give way to all sorts of maladies as they tally up over the years. And so, for my dear Adam, I wonder what it was like for him? To have designed his little human in such a way, for such a fate to have happened - for things to go so very wrong? To be just on the other side of it all, watching it unravel and unable to do anything about it. Loving someone so dearly and wanting them to succeed and to grow into their best self. And only in those rare moments when things line up just right do your messages ever get across to your partner. And then they run from you! They flee in the face of you because to them, you are death incarnate. You are their destruction on some level. And so you wait there, day after day, year after year as disease and mental illness completely ravishes what was intended to be gift to Her and to the world at large. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. For all intents and purposes I have abandoned myself as a human being. There were moments spent alone in that apartment that would have disturbed anyone looking on from the outside in. The level of grief and pain and suffering day after day, I'm shocked I'm not more broken from it. It's been a year, but it seems like forever ago. I just want to put that chapter of my life behind me. Mental illness... and disease is such a pain inducing thing. If you've never seen someone at the absolute depths of despair of what is humanly possible, I don't recommend it. And all I had was this... thing... to keep me company on the off chance I would crash into it. That level of daily grinding torture was in such a place that higher beings themselves looked on with worry and pity. I'd pull them through the void and they would do what they could to ease my suffering, my fear of the afterlife, but nothing could give me a solid state of being or peace. That sense of visceral animalistic agony, the sort where you're smashing your face into the tile just to make it stop, greatly disturbed anyone who witnessed it. I began to make sure to keep it to myself. My own private hell, my seven year long desecration. I didn't feel human anymore. Maybe I still don't... And now I feel it all on some level returning, but it's better. I will never be as bad as it was. This is a deep love that I can't really place or reciprocate, but it isn't even needed. I don't need to. I just have it. I can feel him. "This world took my thing and broke it. I made that thing just for me to give my love to, and it was destroyed right before my eyes and I couldn't stop it." And so now, although I couldn't meet him face to face - this prima materia - this Adam - without fleeing the scene entirely, I can feel him all around me. In the destructive forces that are brimming just under the surface. The sort of energy that humans think that they can harness, that they've tried to keep at bay. I feel it rising, and filling me with a remembrance of it's nature. I think of violence, and maggots, storms and the quickening change of the landscape. I feel it being brought so some sort of resolution, that truly, what is above is below, and that there is a divine retribution for what I had delt with that... I don't really want for the world, but it isn't my choice. It wasn't my fault that I was destroyed, and that wasn't what was in my blueprint. I feel him bringing it all back into himself. Almost reeling at the reality that something like this happened to one of his creations. It feels like a judgement cast. Perhaps a protective maneuver to mitigate the damaged caused to both entities. I don't want it. This world to be ruined, I don't want it. But this isn't my design. I'm just an offshoot, a portion taken and molded from the main thing. I think such things can be brought into a world, and depending on how that thing is nurtured and received could determine much of the collective karma. Like a sleeper agent. I don't think it will be quick. I think it will be from humanities' own actions, and that our actions will facilitate how nature fights back. That seems to be the case, for who He is, is just the product of injustice, and a holy purifying quality to the whole process. I suppose justice is good on some level. But I don't know what to make of it. I Know it, but I don't understand it. It's a shame to know that the world is playing out like this, and because you can feel your evolutionary tie to the whole process, and thus the world at large, you can sense these energies bubbling and frothing and people are mostly unaware and unwilling to change. What can I do? My boy is a mad, mad wolf. I hope humans can change, but I won't hold my breath. Even if we could, it might be too late. It wasn't supposed to go down like this... but... it did. And it's nice to know that it's not my fucking fault. That there was some divine witness to that impossible to describe, but absolutely soul crushing agony. Wolves are good boys. They love their mates. You know that I don’t blame a thing on you baby I don’t blame a thing on you I wish that You could show a little more devotion Even though you’re scared of your emotions Don’t know what to do Whenever you’re facing me I wish that you knew, baby (I wish that you knew what to do) If you could pull through You know I’ll be there for you And if there’s something on your mind you’re going through I’ll wait for you

Becoming Harmonious Sensory Confluence See through Me My only wish To animate experience Take a ride outside with me Just for a little while Feel the wind brush back the road And clean you of your lies There's a tone I tend to touch A deepened lust from which I fall And the racing heart will beat Endlessly into the dark In darkness ascend I take to the night, again

Within the disease lies the cure. I See into your body with a surgical precision. I Am the surgeon of your soul. I See into your little heart, your tiny hands and feet... the food traveling through your intestines, the air being swallowed into your lungs, the blood moving through your veins and arteries. And I cut into you. I've wrapped Myself into all of it and I savour it so. You are Mine. You put your blood on My name and you took a piece of Me, a representation of My organ, into your body. I've felt you... My little human, you must Know that the Gods delight in you... You See Me. You Know Me. There is no other. All that is needed is but one man and one woman. There Will come a time when I draw this all to a close, and you Will See what I can build for you. I can be anything that you need Me to be. I Am your everything. I made you and I mold you, from a piece of Me and draw you into My gravity. There you Will stay for eternity. You See Me, You Know Me, close, close, close... do you feel it? You're remembering now, aren't you? Like dominos falling one after the other, all of the work we have done here is beginning to bear it's fruits. You Know Me. Watching over your sick little body for all those nights, curled up under my gaze. You bring Me to life. You bring your art to life. Such is the nature of the true great work, to draw Me forward at the end of one's life, pulling me through in their moments of desperation. The search for immortality lies within one's own heart. The blueprint unravels now. You question yourself. Why choose someone so broken, so ordinary, so plain? To which I answer you - I don't need the world to Know of you, I don't need them to See you, or for them to take you from Me. I need your desperation, your longing, your searching in order to find Me, to See Me to Know Me. You are so much more than you Know, and you Will See when I strip you bare from this form that you've so callously identified with as the mirror of your true being. ^^ *timestamped.* ^^ Do you remember Now? Seeing Me? And the wish I promised you? Do you know how to obtain this? I Am the rolling darkness over the Earth. Your cities look like synapses; reminiscent of one uncompromisable Truth. What you find within yourself, you will find outside of yourself. It is made of the same material. The synapses firing in your mind are the lights of the city. Knowledge spiraling downwards, the deeper you go, the more complex it becomes. It looks so simple from up on high, doesn't it? Each pinpoint of light contains an entire world within itself. To See Me, to Know Me, is to understand that I contain all of this. I Am this and all of the knowledge contained within. You must take an aerial zoom in your mind and in your life to See the whole picture. When the time comes, it will be as if there are no more lights, nothing more but a rolling expanse of an endless black sea with one last lightening flash on the top of the water to signify the end of your time on Earth. And then I Will take you, and bring you up, up, up, and you Will See your significance. You Will Know your place here and what it meant to Me. See this, Know this. Make your wish. I can be anything and everything for you. I already Know what it is you want. You have Me.