Hulia

I am not really good in monologues, always prefered dialogues dialogues are fine ...and fun

Not for me! I really went into that shop selling books about magic shrooms, looked very deep in the eyes of a shop-assistant, but maybe it was too dark in the shop and that damn mask all over my face. - You mean books? - he asked - No, shrooms - Oh no, no! Not legal - Do you know maybe, where I can get them? - Oh no, no! We don´t support distribution of illegal shrooms No idea, where to get this stuff. It´s already my second "Oh no, no!" Don´t know whom to ask else

Yes, it´s exactly what I would say if I could articulate my thoughts as good as Leo. This is the beauty of Leo´s videos.

Good video, no doubt! But not for me. Sinse I have NO strategic blunders and NO strategic mistakes. Only 2 blunders to be precise: 1. I use credit card. I like it and find it very convenient. Why is it bad? Aaah, I understand, with credit card Leo means really credits, right? No, no, I don´t buy anything for credit. I pay via credit card with my own money. So! Only one blunder: 3 directors over me! If you take the managers over these 3 directors, and they are two, 5 bosses over me! 2. I work for a boss/ corporation (even for 3 bosses hehe to be precise). Sinse I have no life purpose but still need money to live and free time for personal development (self-employment doesn´t leave much time and space in your mind for anything else). Besides we cannot be all our own bosses The work is done in teams I am so perfect, that nobody can fall in love with me. The same with Leo. We always fall in love with some small weaknesses, defects, inperfection (not too big though, but still we need them to be hooked like some bumps on the even rock)

Originally it was "Je suis en Berlinois" or "Ich bin ein Berliner". Kennedy said it during his visit in Berlin, when soviets started to build a wall.

I am listening the whole day some random music. My friend´s daughter wrote and sang her 1st song. AND IT IS GOOD! It is REALLY good! Text, music, voice. It is so good that my daughter woke me in the middle of the night because she needed to share with somebody what she just heard. THe song´s name is "Sorry, Paris". Zero would join into the singing if he could. And that beautiful christall clear voice. I am overwhelmed.

OK.. let´s try from the other side. Why do you want to end it?

Why did you manifest Covid-19? To have a breake?

@Gianna THank you, but I won´t read this book. I don´t think, I´ll learn something new. It is as it is. We all have to live with our traumas - small and big. A kindergarden was a hell for me, I had 0 friends, I was just sitting on the floor, looking at the watch and waiting till my parents come to pick me up. At school it has become better anyway. My mom has to cope with worse traumas. She was the oldest child with both parents working and constant lack of money and everything. With a sister needing special treatment because of her heart desease and a brother almost never at home, avoiding unhealthy familiy situation with the gangs on the street. Divorce of her parents when she was 4. A stepfather, who sexually harassed her, not in a violent way but still annoying. My grandma never loved him, she married him, because she had nowhere to live with a small daughter and he´s just built a house. Nobody ever took care of my mom´s emotions or each other´s emotions (except of my deseased aunt). So mom just wanted to raise a child who would take care, but instead.. a mess as always. My aunt is not happy about her upbringing neither . It was a hell for her when she entered a real life. Grandma divorced her father, married another one and moved away. So did my mother. She has been left alone with a small child, a drug-addicted brother and a husband who turned out to be an alcoholic. She was even in a kind of psychological treatment not because of psychological issues (there wasn´t such a thing at that time) but because of physical outcome of psychological issues like paralysis of different body parts.

@Preety_India Haha.. And the other colleague, whose office is near readbeard´s office told me, he comes back to his office, puts off his mask, and throws it vehemently against the desk. A mask! :)))

I have now 3 directors over me. 1. My old boss. With whom we still have a lot of common topics and can cooperate very good. Our weak and strong points match to each other. And I like him as a person. I think he likes me too and thinks that I am smart. He asks me often for advises. I like it. I am afraid, he might change to fit better into a new environment in our company, which has become more hierarchial (only directors around) and more aggressive. He has a weak nature, he would adjust if necessary. 2. My new boss. Redbeard. He is oficially my superior. But we are mostly working on different topcis. He is rather a boss over the acounting. And this is not the direction I want to go to. Though they have changed the name of my position in the contract, so that it´s sounds more like acounting. I would prefer to be an analyst. I like to work with big data volumes, rather than with the particular postings. I am more a helicopter-view-person. I am not compatible with a redbeard and his field of activity. 3. New crazy woman. She is supposed to do what I have done before. Exactly that what I like to do. Normally she should be my boss. Not that I need her, but she has been put into position. I need to stick with her. Her wishes are the priority for me. I don´t like her but I want her to want to work with me, because I like the tasks she has been charged with. Otherwise if I exaggerate in my eagerness, she might get afraid of me - see a kind of competitor in me trying to outsmart her. Let´s see if it goes well - this situation with 3 directors. Formely I could take the decisions for myself and implement them. Just ask my only boss No. 1, he always agreed and mostly didn´t even have time to properly to listen to my arguments, so that I even stopped to ask him at some point. And now I need to ask all 3 directors. About the stuff in which they are not even deeply in. And the crazy woman No.3 didn´t sound very cooperative, as far as I can judge from our conversations. I don´t think, she will let me participate an any kind of decision-making, only implementing of what she decided for herself. She seems to be this type of boss, who is always surrounded by idiots.

But the main message I have to bring to my aunt: "SWITH OFF THE FUCKING TV" "Oh I don´t watch it, I have it just for the background not to feel alone and not to think all that depressing thoughts" Say what you want, but what is the point of a big and beautiful heart if your nature is weak and surrending... A lot of damage

I felt good in the presence of my mother - safe and secure. Because she knew everything about everything and even more, she was never wrong and always right (her own words). Besides she always stressed that she would do anything for me, because she loved me more than antybody else. But I didn´t feel (feel) a kind of warmth or tenderness like I perceived it from my aunt for exampe (oh my god, I should tell it to her! but she never let me talk bombarding me with her silly advices how to be anything in this life but not her) If my mother loved me so much, why she never bothered how I felt? It was always her, her, her. Hurt and mistreteated. Punishing me by ignoring and not talking. And then telling how bad she felt. And me?

@Gianna My mother is a capricorn - a stubborn manipulative devil. Never await love from capricorns, they´ll find thousand reasons and long and boring explanations. They´ll create volumes of concepts and theories. I remember, when I was 16 or something, she told me to wash my hair, but I didn´t. I didn´t feel like wanting to wash my hair. We girls are peculiar about our hair, sometimes we want to wash it eagerly and sometimes not. Next day she was like a mourning shadow, all pale and sighing and not talking. An then: "Don´t you even want to know why I am feeling that bad? YOU did it to me. I was crying the whole night, because for the 1st time you simply told "no" to me" How sick is it? As a child I had to appologize every single day for something. Though she says, I was stubborn and rearly did the appologizing. I don´t remember exactly. But yes I remember her coming into my room: "Is it so difficult to say "sorry"? But I am you mother, I will endure anything from you... (sad smile of a saint)... any injustice and hurting - anything, because I love you much more than you will ever do" I think it was misunderstanding. She was waiting for appologies and me.. I thought, she delibarately avoided me and didn´t speak to me, because she didn´t like me, since I was constantly making her feel bad.

I am fucking brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!!!! And awesome! I have found a solution of the problem, on which all the directors are breaking their heads since half a year (apart of a terrible woman who doesn´t even understand, there is a problem), since our ididotic management has come with new ideas. The solution is simple, clean and beautiful! No one of 50+ accountants needs to do some strange acrobatics to meet the strange needs of our management! At these moments I love to be a wage-slave, as long as I am allowed to work with numbers and programms and not with silly papers and laws like contracts, invoices, taxes, laws... I feel incredibly smart like no one else. All the energy from my chest into head and I feel as mighty as a fucking god. Haha, redbeard comes every day to my office and looks at me with his begging eyes like a dog, doesn´t say anything, sighs and goes out. And now I have the solution for him and all the other directors. They can sleep quietly again, the wage-slaves :))))))

This woman is terrrible. Even worse than readbeard. She is a kind of persons who like to keep everyone busy around her. Just for the sake of it. No matter, if it makes sense or not. At the end everyone is frustrated, nothing fits, and new round can begin. Adjustment of adjustment of adjustment... Frustration, hate, dispair.

People here tend to do a lot of distinctions and classifications. The difference between extroverts and introverts is not meanigful at all. The only problem with introverts is that they often don´t feel comfortable about their introvertism. But it will change. I feel that the socital acceptance of introverts has increased singnificantly. There are many reaons for this.

I don´t, I really don´t. Only assumptions, but no way to validate them. No use of such assumptions. Sometimes I think, I shouldn´t have been that proud and just ask them. Hey guys, what is wrong? And of course I wouldn´t accept a shit like "wasn´t meant to be" Well it were not classical relationships like promising each other eternal love and live together. But some of them still were pretty long. Damn long. Longer than the half of classical relatioships.

Then what is the difference between enmeshment and non-enmeshment?

I don´t hate my exes. I also didn´t create any story about them and I don´t know why it ended, no idea - cannot look at their minds. Apart of the case when it was me who ended the relationship, then I know of course.

I am terribly sorry, I should have confused you with someone else. At first I confused you with Vzdoh, because she is also blond. But then I noticed, you are different. Vzdoh is the one who dates only rich guys. And Gianna is deep, wise and spiritual person. So I started to confuse you with another woman, who had a BF, but was SO spiritual, that she let him date other women during they still were in a relationship. But it was someone else. Now I am remembering, she wasn´t blond. The thing is, I often forget to read the name when I read a post. But I look at profile puctures. I don´t understand

I was in a room with a man and a child. We were fooling around with a child. We were taking the clothes out of a wardrobe and putting them back. We were fooling around the old leather briefcase. We looked for it among the clothes and took it out of wardrobe and I told loud and solemn: “A briefcase!”. A child laughed. Then we put everything into the wardrobe again an the play continued. I extracted the suitcase from the wardrobe among the clothes and exclaimed “A briefcase!” – Child laughing. After that I went with a man and a briefcase to an appointment. It was on the 11th stock of an apartment house. It was the last stock. Abandoned. Nobody was there. Our appointment didn´t come. I don´t know exactly what it was. But it was a kind of camera crew, which wanted to take some pictures or movies of us. “Definitely it would be no decent pictures, if they let us come to a place like this” – somebody of us told, me or him. I was standing near the lift and he was walking around. He looked out of the window into the next room. “The rats”, - he pulled a face. Among the rubbish on the floor of the room we were in, I saw a flower growing out of the floor – a tulip.

@RickyFitts But the worst thing you can imagine is a relationship between someone who is traumatized by enmeshment and someone who is traumatized by separation. There should be a checkpoint for traumas before starting a realtionship, only compatible traumas should be allowed. I guess, I spoiled Gianna´s thread completely. But what to do? I like the journal section more than any other on this forum. It´s less theoretical and more honest. For example this part with the "spiritual work". I already suspected that there should be a reason, why for someone it is acceptable (to live in an open relationship) and for someone not. And it has nothing to do with spirituality. Though I consider Gianna for a spiritual person, but it´s not that.

There was another thread of Gianna some time ago, where she wrote that she is in an open relationship. Her BF has dates and sex with other women, and is transparent about it. And she is ok with it. Probably this is the type of relationship which could work, if one of them is traumatized by enmeshment and the other one just wants to experiment without losing the basis but also not holding on it too much.

Maybe... I am just thinking that somebody who is traumatized by enmeshment shouldn´t be in a relationship except of a pure sex-relationship. But is should be clear from the very beginning for both of them, that it is a relationship for satisfying of physical needs and both of them should be ok with it.