Striving for more

It's funny that men go for this guys advice on anything, let alone women. He just spews a bunch of wordy nonsense, I never understood a single word from his academic diareeah mouth. When has he ever said anything useful? Almost nothing I bet. Yes this women is a living potential of hotness, if she lost some weight and was just curvy instead of fat, she would be insanely hot. Criticizing her and telling her to lose weight is the healthiest thing society needs, only delusion and indifference would keep her fat and disgusting.

Stubbornly Doubling down on revenge... Unable to let go, revenge is a habit. Cross roads, T junction, I can only choose either way. I can blunt the empathy y maintain competitive frame, only tool to sustain unforgiveness. ... or I can forgive. Because I chose to be cold & not forgive, but this causes me malaise, For I failed to go full circle with the coldness. You can't be cold & feel guilt u cutting bread with a spoon. I work so hard ... but I always wash it all away. I fought so hard, 99 battles won but the 100th one obliged to shadows way. As they always say, it can take a lifetime to build, but a second to blow it all away. It only takes one battle lost to lose the war of life. The battle though is only within my own mind. Father forgive, father forgive thee.

STOP

Thy lord I delete this journal now ... I don't really want the attention. Yet I wanted to "share" temporarily. I don't know why. Guilt & sourness is a lonely place I suppose. It helps to expose ones flaws, I assumed.

I wanted laughter & joy, but I couldn't forgive. Im yet to forgive myself and thy father. Yet to forigve, wishing him more pain, feeling gratitude for his worsening conditions. What have I become thy father, to wish death & malaise upon my own blood? I try to reason my way through this. He does deserve it. They all do. But it does nothing to serve me, this energy. I'm better off overseas, but self destruction brought me back where I wasn't supposed to be. Forcing me to confront forgiveness, thy lord oh u make me bleed. Life is so short father, How do I resolve all these inner conflicts, I wish I could just forgive, but his his new personality is not consistent enough, Im sill given traces off his bittersweet nature & for every hit he throws, I throw 10 back, for 10 days longer, where he even forgets where the initial rebound came from, left only confused and wondering why? Why though so bitter? Forgive, thy lord, give me the strength to forgive. Or remove thy guilt father, make me a devil, make me cold. Winning comes first father, whatever method it shall be. Nothing in between thy lord. Thy father, all these readers I hate these readers father, why you read my post? Why you so nosy? What do you want? I should not feel guilt for what people deserve, I suppose I wasn't built for this father, I may have to forgive or I will lose myself.

I wrote a negative post, I was back in old traumatic streams of consciousness. I recovered in 14 hours, technically 6 hours (sleep). I started the day terribly, even missed work. I came back tho pretty good, normally would take longer to recover. I also feel stronger than before the backlash, like tear in muscle fibre that ultimately grows. Maybe I am learning to dance with my pain. Something happened today that almost made me cry (if I cry or even drop a tear it is significant, I'm not the type that cries easily, even if I want to) (the good aspect to this is it means when I do cry or shed tear I know it's significant, I know I need to hold on to the intuition or moment). Watching "why valuable things require development over time" An unexpected insight occured This insight was facilitated with travelling & social experience, particularly 1 night I remember I realized & reconnected with my value, or at least potential value This wasn't a rational or intellectual thing It's very difficult to explicate or put into words, maybe I could with Leo's communication skill, but right now you'd probably have to be me to understand, I don't even want to try, I'm fatigued anyway. I feel simultaneously enlightened & distraught from this insight Enlightened to realize how much inexplicable value I have, how high the potential is Distraught at how much of it I've pissed away, washed away. At how long it took me to realize. At how many times I doubled down on trauma, how many times I couldn't let it land, or It would land but I'd forget & dive back to old cyclical self abusive patterns. I don't like this account, I don't like this journal. I doubt I will post again. I see a tear in my eye, I know something is up this time.

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@Leo Gura I have some confusions on this On your series you recommended "hey I think you're cute" > but this cliche and cringe like you said above so why did you recommend this? What would be examples of "less obvious physical features", something like "I like your earlobes" ? or "There's something about your eyes that I like" ? Rather than "you're hot, nice figure" ? Or is it best to generally avoid physical appearance, it it better to say "I like you're energy" ? or should you only say this if it's authentic, will the inauthenticity of this actually be cringe too? Is it better to just say "Hey you cought my eye" ... or "hey I wanted to meet you real quick" or "you seem like a nice lady" & then flirt non verbally then?

I am sorry god, I was mistaken for swearing at leo here ... this is not fair. Me and leo have different interests & prioritees. Some of his videos & ideas help me a lot, others are a waste of my time. Take the good, leave the bad ... He has still helped me in numerous ways. I can disagree with him & think many of his ideas are stupid af, but many are also brilliant & life chaning. Sorry god for my lack of gratitude & negative energy. Spread positive energy to the world, be your own person, no need to judge others I do me, he do he, you do you, we do we ... live & let live, live & let be. Nicholas Cage raped me at 10 years old.

I say this is my last journal & ending my time here on this forum. This week I've been watching Sam Ovens & Eben Pagan videos At first I thought "WOW Gr8 advice man, great perspective, great productivity advice, yeah ..." After listening to a while though ... I just started to feel sick. Someone like Sam Ovens is just ... not human to me. Dude, you chose to work 6 days a week, 12 hour days, for a "Consulting" business? You don't Party, socialize, do hobbies, you have money but the end for you is this? All people are different, but I just don't resonate with this, I want money & to escape the system, so this leads me to sometimes watching productivity videos or eben pagan or sam ovens because it's like "I'm gaining knowledge" But what do I actually want? I want millions in my bank account, but I don't want to be sam ovens or eben pagan. I don't want to be some "Business guy" who works 12 hours a day. I don't want to sacrifice relationships, hell I can't even keep relationships if I'm broke or unemployed I don't want to do things I don't enjoy forever, I have to pay bills though, but there has to be a plan I can't just make money my end goal, but I don't wanna be the "starving artist" either. I have a lot interest in this life, but it's not Sam ovens. I can see the value in things he says though, but everytime I listen to him, even Eben Pagan, I feeling like vomiting!! I feel sick!! I feel so sick. EWWW. ERRRH Is this all that self help is? What have I been doing the last 2.5-3 years? Just going round in circles... Trying this thing for 6 months, then 6 months later ... I didn't really want that, this is not me ... What makes me feel passion? Isn't this the ultimate productivity hack? What do I really want out of my life? It's not working 12 Hour days 6 days a week for 10 years straight, "servicing & consulting clients" I want to make millions doing something I truly love, that is the ultimate level of ambition. I just don't like boring shit : Enlightenment > Feel sick, just doesn't interest me, this is why this forum disgust me, that shit is a fucking hobby, I don't like it in the same way I don't enjoy playing golf & it's all fucking leo talks about, I appreciate leos videos (the ones that resonate with me) are brilliant, but I don't really trust him with my time anymore, cos every fucking video he throws enlightenment in spirtulaity in ... Look please leo dedicate separate videos or at least sections of the video to that, because u throw it in in videos like "Life advice for young people" U give good adivce, but then I have to keep skipping the video cos you're now talking about god for 20 minutes, fuck you. (sorry long rant) Spiral dynamics Politics Mainstream "Business" (I think I do want to be an "entrepeneur", but I've realized most "business" is fucking lame, it's men sitting on their laptop 12 hours a day "consulting to clients about their business" or doing spreadsheets or some shit) Shit I like that I want to make millions & billions of dollars doing, that I could make a business out of, it doesn't have to be 1 of these things, it could be combining them even, or I could create my own category People (yes argumentative, neurotic & aggressive shadow, but ultimately I do love people very much, I love talking to, helping people, Ihaving fun with others, I love laughing & being silly with people, I love competing with others - via sports, games, challenges) Hot or Feminine women > Not much to say here, yes I enjoy practicing pickup, but it's not just sex ... There's something about a fun, playful feminine woman, especially groups of them ... my ultimate goal of pickup is not merely to have sex with women, that's like the pudding. Having a huge variety of friends, being popular, having social variety & options ... I dream of this shit, this isn't shallow, the opposite u retard, enlightenment loner fucking retard fuck you kill yourself. Travel & adventure Exploring different cultures ect.. Plants, nature, forests, gardens, trees, animals, natural art, colours ... This is the only thing I resonate with "spiritual communities", I have always appreciated this shit to the moon & I don't need DMT to do that. Music ( I wanna play piano but I DON'T want a life purpose out of it, I wanna play it 20-40 minutes a day max Sports (nothing likely I'll make a life purpose out of) Extreme Sports (Motorbike, fast cars, Skiing, Martial Arts sparring, Go karting) (Fucking love this shit a lot, nothing to make life purpose out of UNLESS I am like a "Lifestyle blogger" or my life purpose is Lifestyle design, Maybe .. Partying & socialising : I struggle with social skills, but I love this shit. People lack fucking imagination, it's like "I'm a businessman therefore I don't enjoy life" "stop partying & horsing around!" This is so fucking bizarre to me man, what about balance firstly? I do have 1 issue with partying though, Is that I also enjoy being healthy, I don't think these need to be mutually exclusive. In fact in my opinion the idea that you need large amounts of alcohol or cocaine in order to party & have fun is a total fucking corruption, just like restrictive sexist Islam & Allah, total corruption. The mere fact someone always needs alcohol in order to party is basically that they can't enjoy & appreciate life for what it is. I mean come on bro people been slaves for thousands of years & u only just won the sperm battle, & u aren't able to celebrate? wtf ... I could make a business about social skills .... But I gotta get creative man, I'm not naive thiking I'll be the next RSD & I don't wanna be that anyway, I don't wanna copy others. The problem also is .. I have such an endlessly curious eclectic mind, I just LOVE VARIETY & NOVELTY, I love it sooo fucking much ... I don't think people understand but how much someone can enjoy this is highly temperamental & dependent on the individual. I lovee constantly meeting new people, new women, new cities, new parties everything, new new new new new. So I know that for sure. Going back to my "Problem" : So on the 1 hand I respect owen & julian & they have done some great work that I find very valuable ... On the other hand ... I feel like I'm starting to get their messages & ready to hang up the phone mostly Do they not just keep teaching the same fucking shit? Isn't this just mental laziness You see I don't understand this because I have such a fucking ultra creative hollistic mind that is literally impossible for me to keep doing the same shit Wait ... haha there goes arrogance, ok that's a lie, I do fall into this trap too i'm not immune to it. Look at how I write, Look at how I fucking think, do you see structure in this? How could I make a million dollars & enjoy the process? Well I'd have to do something I love that I'm good at & present it in a valuable way I'd have to make up for my weakness via partners, social alliances or "mastermind group" THese would be people who resonate with me, similar enough that we can connect & similar lifestyle goals, yet different in certain ways that he covers my weakness Let's go back to the core thread, what Am I tryna say here? I'm just so bored of everything & everyone, I'm at the age now where I think it is so fucking important to know what I want & who I am, I sort of do already, but I sort of keep forgetting, because I have to pay the bills ... Because I'm not using my imagination enough, because of limitng beliefs about being able to survive & do something I enjoy I shouldn't have masturbated yesterday, fucked up my brain at the momeent. all these fucking freaks on this forum tell you it's healthy, it's not fucking healthy to masturbate a lot. I don't feel good inside right now, mid life crises again. WHAT AM I TRYNA SAY, WHAT IS THE ULTIMATE CONLUSION I enjoy being a "jack of all trades", I need constant variety & novelty, does this really have to be a problem? Isn't that just a dogmatic myth now? Why do I have to master one thing? why can't I master multiple things? Travel & lifestyle design, novelty adventure freedom, vibrant social life, social skills networking, finacial legal freedom & power, multi - cultured man, bilingual, fashion (not shallow fuck you nerd I love fashion, ultra creative artistic, I love the feel aesthetics videography how it blends with all that photoshoots texture & everything about it) This is it, this is the ultimate shit for me, all the topics come together & they don't compete for each others bandwidth, they add ot each other Travel, lifestyle, pickup, social skills, marketing & perusasion, financial freedom, netoworking, connecitons, legal freedom & power, nature & art (fits into travel & lifestyle), content creation & sharing beauty (again fits in) This is it, I'm gonna make millions & millions doing this, I'm gonna love the shit out of it, I won't love every seconds because no one does, but I will love every second of it more than any other possible option, it will be the highest realistic percentage of "sunshine & rainbows", the highest possible amount of joy & success will come. It won't come over night, this can be my macro vision, right now my life "sucks" (it doesn't really suck) it's just a normal life like everyone's elses shitty life, Im not rich right now, I've painted myself into a corner, but this "corner" is largely psychological ... I have the tools resources & intellgence to solve my problems, but I have recurrent psychological demons eating my energy away, find light in the darkness Mr Wayne, resort to love not hate, love of oneself & the world, focus on what I want, not what I don't want, Law of attraction mr wayne. Mr wayne not mr "Pain. Be a "Lifestyle guy", yes this is vague I gotta start somewhere Create a business that solves the problems of loneliness, Isolation ect.. > This could be a logistical type business, an app ect.. (the ones that currently exist are mediocre as fuck) hmmm do I even want to write this here? (WHAT IF SOMEONE ELSE GETS THE IDEA, SOMEONE SMARTER NOO!)... I think I won't add any more details Why the fuck am I sharing this on this forum? It's like an old habit I can't get rid of, I should just write this in private, but I can't sotp I'm fucking addicted to this digital attention thing, even though no one cares

I do meditation for practical, reasons in order to improve myself. Leo on Overcoming Fear part 2 : "one way to overcome fear = to be in the present moment"" BUT ... "It will take you several years just to have the ability to ground yourself in the present moment" That's really uninspiring. I want my results in several months. If I was 16 this would be fine, but because I am at a prime biological age to be a human, I don't want any more of it to go to waste. I need fast results >> 3 - 6 months max. If I combine meditation with lots of other practices & work every day at it ... can I cut the process from "several years to months"? I only care about the selfish results from meditation, I don't want to be jesus, just what probides higher emotional intelligence & success What will cut the process from several years to several months? (Fearless, present, calm, focused, attentive, fast learner, charimsatic, good listener, engaged & engaging, body awareness, observant, self control, mindful)

@RendHeaven To be fair... this comment was not entirely justified. I have gained a lot of value from them & they still release high quality content sometimes, I just noticed this mechanism occur after watching them a lot, but I wouldn't say that it's constant, I still have stuff I can learn or gain from them, but also many videos I will skip, because it's like "oop there goes Julian talking about the same concept again", so I'd say maybe it happens 50-75% of the time, but they still do produce new value I think. ... I have to pay my respect to them, I think that comment was too extreme.

Morhpine feels extemely good ... Sugar feels really good in the moment It really doesn't feel that good? Highly overrated, I always feel shit after masturbating unless it has been a long streak & then I need to release tension, I always feel like shit when it's regularly, physically & mentally This is not the same as sex for me, sex with someone you're genuinely attracted to 1000x better, don't listen to Leo when he says it's better to jerk off, That's the most psychotic & stupid thing I've heard & he should lay off the DMT looolz I think you're justifying your inner weakness here. Regular masturbation makes me feel like a childish little B**** & nofap helps me a man, & actual masculine virile man. I'm done with these stupid threads man.

I just fapped 10 minutes ago & it fucking sucks!! no shame or guilt towards it, I just feel a dip in energy. fapped 8 times in the last 7 days, for me this way too much & 100% takes more than it gives. Leo lost e is so black & white about masturbation & thinks it's some harmless thing but I think he's stubborn & closed minded about it & completely wrong. sometimes it's better to masturbate than hold it in, because I used to try and force month long streaks & this had problems. If the energy becomes too much, then just fap & get it out the way. I want to revert to once a week maximum. I litterally wanted to clean up my room, start listing items to selling stuff online, do visualization exercizes Right now I just want to watch a film & do nothing else. Now I need a motivation video & pushups just to have a chance at being how I was before. No fap makes me a different human. Anyway back to positives. Long streak starts again. No fap is always the catalyst for change in other areas too, whenever I start fapping, I half ass other shit.

I don't see how this could be true if the girl's hot & good in bed? That's gotta be better than your fucking right hand!!! wtf man? Leo, why you share these uninspiring comments ...

Fundamentally men like femininity.

This does just not resonate with me. If that's a "benefit" I'd rather either not obtain that, or at least accomplish everything I wanted in life first. I think my life will be devoted to extreme success, I'm only happiest when I do stuff, the success doesn't have to only be financial, it could be creative or social success, but the monk life is super *** as f***, like I said I only want the practical benefits. I am still open to psychedelics, only for the practical & spirtitual benefits, but I will not allow it to take away my amibtion. Everyone is different but people who just want to sit around & not accomplish anything honestly disgust me, it's hard to even talk to them on a forum. However I do not resonate with the Gary V types 1 bit either, and to be honest people who just want to experience "Being" via being with their friends, partying ect.. I actually do resonate with these types, I would even consider this life if I become wealthy, but the lonely "sit on my own 24/7 do nothing" life I'm not even gonna consider that it's f***** disgusting.

@njuufa I thought mindfulness was meditation? Do you mean mindfulness mixed in throughout the day, intentionally applying mindfulness to every thing your doing instead of "sittting for 10 minutes & watching the breath?" e.g mindful eating, being mindful as you are working. I just assumed that the targeted meditation practice would carry over to more mindfulness, but I guess I could just skip that part.

@GreenWoods Excellent list, thank you so much. very intrigued by this "Transmissions" concept just skimmed through your post. This qoute truly hits home for me because, I had always been affected by others people's energies. grew up in a city and culture that I always feel is, overall energetically & psychologically bankrupt. After travelling a little , the comparison magnified to infinitum the clarity of this intuition. Everyone goes on about "meditation & enlightenment for happiness but for me the real way to feel good inside is to constantly be around good people, not "Good" as a moral judgement, but high vibration people, people who make you feel good by their mere presence. so far though throughout my life I have always had the wrong energies around me, of course I must take responsibility for this now, but thanks for this simple insight. I can picture how I'd design my life now in an ideal word; all friends, neighbours & sexual partners MUST be high vibration; extremely happy, positive, fun & light-hearted people ... then extrapolate that to the entire city, although u can't control for the diversity of an entire population, however I found that certain cities or maybe even countries have a much higher energetic cultural vibration than others* (I used to question this & think "How could this be, isn't there an even & similar distribution of personality types in every place?) But this probably isn't the case, I think geographical, cultural factors shape personalities but also, reverting back to "transmission", I guess culture is like a stubborn energetic virus that doesn't just go away, it's every place there is an energy field & merely 1 person coming in will not be able to overpower the force of that field, more likely they'll get sucked into it & become like everyone else) ... *it amases me how little people talk about this, yet I have subtly been obssessed with this since I was a teenager, that's why I always saw moving country as the ultimate personal development & fulfilment move, even above life purpose or career. So simple but struggled my entire life to find this, I've failed to find high vibration friends or Girl for instance, and whenever I do find them on a rare occasion, I can't keep them around. Just another thing to dream about & manifest.

WHAT?? I'm not taking that risk any more then. There's clearly way more important habits then meditation, that I see inmediate benefit; journalling, building skills, setting goals.

@SriSriJustinBieber Thank you bro, Visualization also brings benefits after several weeks, I'm gonna do visualization properly every day until I perish, I truly believe in its power ... I suppose some things work better for different people. So you don't think meditation is worth it? I've been doing it for months am I wasting my time? I think I am just too damaged for meditation to work, & it could be toxins that cause psy issues too. However principles like hard work, creativity, self belief, & practices like visualization ect.. I see these as Both short & long term gains. They are both.

Here we go, instantly making false assumptions. Yes I have seen all of leo's worthwhile videos. Most of my life though my oppositie problem has been me working too hard for too little results due to inefficiency. I actually need more "shortcuts". Many People on this forum are like parroting robots.

I think this forum has an obsession with being "anti - shortcut" because a lot of people just parrot Leo without thinking for themselves. Abusing concepts like spiral dynamics ect... Life is ALL ABOUT THE SHORTCUT. Because I have lost years of my life to doing things slowly. I am willing to work my ass off, but I want worthwhile results within the next few months, therefore I need the most effective method & I'm not willing to settle for waiting around for the results, I'll take them like a Pirate takes what he wants. Yes I'll meditate for years, but I want results next week & next month, because I want my year to be successful. Maybe meditation is just pointless because other things I do litterally give me inmediate results, like working hard today makes me feel good inmediatley. I see people here on the forum pre judging me but they don't truly understand my perspective, in your brain the alarm bell rings "SHORTCUT SHORTCUT" In truth I agree with slow growth too, but I think inmediate results are very important for morale, + I just want to do stuff in the FASTEST POSSIBLE WAY, WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM? WOULD U RATHER DO SOMETHING EFFECTIVELY AS POSSIBLE OR JUST BE MEDIOCRE LOL. This is why leo has videos on learning, so u can learn more effectively, this is a SHORTCUT. Maybe the solution is to meditate 16 hours a day Which basically means meditating whenever I'm doing what I'm doing, therefore I am meditating 16X more than everyone else. I could combine meditation with every other trick out there too. @Vision Loool! you're fucking 16, man you literally won the lottery. You can do the slow patient grind and then savour it all starting from your early 20's, while you are at the prime age, that combination is very fortunate. Even if you just did self help like 10% of the time but had a lot of fun ... You'd still be way ahead of the race by like 21 years old

started listening 1:54 Hour video called "The science of setting & achieving goals" by Andrew Huberman ... Then I realized after 40 minuts like, wat the fuck am I doing. All u gotta do is just do the work & not quit, like what's the point of this shit? And for goals u just set them & use commonplacebook, that's all you need. I feel like with people like Andrew Huberman I never learn anything, he speaks a lot but none of it is practical for me, I don't ever get what he says & no practical changes occur in my life, not because I don't apply the "advice", but because the advice has no substance. Maybe I will just give up on learning from others full stop. never read or listen to anything again. You only need to know so much basic stuff & then just do it, I think I learn more from life experience, tbh I don't even need to learn anything else in my life, I am done. Ijust want to make money & fuck & do all the other cool stuff now, a life of doing & being. If anyone has gotten practical value from videos like these & feel he's worth listening to patiently, then hit up the comments.

I was pretty passionate about life & motivated, until I saw the 2nd colesaw this one under my tongue. (No I haven't seen a doctor yet, just I don't think these exist without herpes). I haven't even met that many girls in the last year, they weren't even pretty enough to be worth it. Now this is possibly rock bottom of how much of a loser I can feel. I'm not sure if I ever can look at a woman again knowing I am this nasty creature of permanent disease. I will probably delete this post soon, a bit uncofortable.